Stephen Presents: Tim Meadows (Extended)

Hey everybody, I'm Stephen Colbert. I'm here with Becca, my producer. Stephen. Hi, Stephen. Thanks for coming here. It's a pleasure. I live here. This is The Late Show Pod Show, where me and Stephen come on the pod whenever we have a week off from the show, and we give you some exclusive behind-the-scenes stories. You're not going to get this anywhere else. Some chatter, some recipes. You know, we chat all over the place in this pod. So welcome and sit back and enjoy. And why are we off this week, this February week? We're all celebrating Valentine's Day. Yes, we need a whole week of Valentine's, lots of chocolates, you know, but also the Olympics are on. The Olympics are on, yeah. I'm not trying to promote another channel or whatever. NBC. Go watch NBC. The Olympics are awesome. I'm a huge Olympic fan. Love it. It's both invigorating and somehow childlike. Yes, exactly. Just to sit there, all my memories of like, I'm old enough to remember Olga Corbett. I don't know who she is. 1972 Munich Games. Okay. Curler? What was she doing? Oh, she got the, I think she got the, she was a Soviet darling. I forgot what country she was from. Nadi Komaneci was Romania. I forgot where Olga Corbett was. She might have been from Russia proper instead of one of the satellite states. And she did like the death spiral or whatever. She did something that literally was done once. She won the gold medal and they said no one can ever do that again because it was so dangerous. Yeah. Oh, sick. So cool. Yeah. And you have an amazing story about the Winter Olympics that you told in the meanwhile recently that I want you to say again. What was it? Well, what sport have you participated in that is featured in the Winter Olympics? Oh, speed skating. What? The luge. Oh, the luge. Did you speed skate? Well, yeah. I mean. Oh, cool. Well, the reason I was. Oh, you got some great shows to go watch. The reason why I rode on the luge, bobsled actually. Oh, bobsled. Bobsled, not luge. In 2010, we found out that the American team had lost all their funding because I think they had been sponsored by a bank that had gone ash can during the banking crisis. I think it might have even been a Dutch bank, but like a branch in America or something because the Dutch, the Holland people, they love speed skating. I forgot what it was, but they lost all their funding. And so we called up the whoever the head of the U.S. speed skating was. And we said, how much money does it take to sponsor? Like, what are you short? And they said, three hundred thousand dollars. And we said. Oh, we got you covered. And they said, what? And I said, yeah, yeah, yeah. We've raised money for schools. We've raised money for all kinds of charities. we'll cover you. And all we want is for it to be we want my name on your uniforms. Oh my God. And we want my face on your thighs. So we literally printed my face on their thighs and the C on their heads. And it would say Stephen Colbert or the Colbert Report on the other thigh. And their warm-up jackets and everything. And we raised extra money and got stuff like that and had banners printed up for their meets. and everything up to the Olympics can be sponsored. Wow. The Olympics can. Yeah. Because those are official sponsors. But all the trials and everything, and they were there at everything in skating. You know, Palo Ono, like, or, you know, I don't even know. I don't know. He might have been gone to that point. But, like, those people. Yeah. With, like, I mean, like, people with, like, 34-inch thighs with my face on them. Oh, my God. And then to celebrate, then we took the show to the Olympics. Cool. We went to the Vancouver Olympics in 2010. Oh, man. And one of the things that we did is we went, I participated in Olympic sports. I learned to speed skate, which is very difficult. Yeah. But I learned to speed skate. Yeah. With the clack, clack, clack, clack, speed skates. They actually, they have hinges and everything on them. Oh, cool. And I learned, and I went, I did the bobsled and with the American team. And Holcomb is who I remember. He was the driver of the, he's no longer with us, unfortunately, But he was the driver of the bobsled. And a small guy with just arms like briskets. Because what they do is that there's just chains that are attached to the runners of the bobsled. And he pulls one chain or the other to just minutely change the shape of the runner so it can steer around corners and stuff like that. And I went up to Lake Placid for the World Championships. And they had just won that day. They had won the World Championship. I mean, the World Championship is like NASCAR or Formula One. You're gaining points as the season goes on. But they had won that championship race that day. And they said, we'll take you down. So I got like, you know, my own speed skating outfit, a red speed skating outfit. And I believe in the piece they described me as I looked like your mom's friend, Joanne, in my speed skating outfit. And these guys were just giant mounds of muscle. They were all like, there were guys who were like linemen for like University of Texas or Oklahoma Sooners or something like that. Big boys who had, who can push, push, push fast. And people, they spent their entire childhood just pushing sleds and, you know, the tackling sleds. And then they lost all their weight. Like, oh, there was no fat on them. At one point, my producer, she was in the room when one of these guys took their shirts off. and I was getting changed, and this guy was getting changed, and he took his shirt off. And I knew that he had taken his shirt off. I wasn't looking at him, but I knew that he had taken his shirt off because I heard this. And I looked at her, and she turned beet red and had to walk out of the room. And she goes, his body was like a stealth jet. Like there were no round edge. Everything was a sharp turn everywhere on his body. It was pretty incredible. Oh, my God. But when we went down the hill when we put down the hill we going to take it three of the way up We not going to take it from the top because you won be able to handle it I like okay whatever And then we had a good time that day interviewed them a bunch We had, you know, I f***ed around with them a bunch. And then they said, now we're going to take it from the top. So they took me from the top, and they had me basically just get in rather than push. Okay. And then they jumped in around me. And we pushed, you know, they said, the first turn is going to be super fun and the second turn is going to be even more fun and then you're going to hit the third turn and you're going to say, this is a mistake. Well, there are nine more turns after that and we go faster and faster. Oh my God. So I don't know what to tell you other than just hang on. Keep your head down. Don't lift your head up because you'll hit the ice over your head because the ice overhangs and don't let your arm or anything touch it because the suit you're wearing, that's the lycra or whatever it is spandex it will melt because it hits the ice we're doing like 95 miles an hour it'll melt and it'll melt onto your skin so you actually have to wear a jerkin underneath your outfit that is like a vest like a short armed vest like a little jerkin made of Kevlar but it's very roughly thickly woven like chain mail so it keeps the cloth that's on your body the polyester or spandex whatever, it keeps it away from your skin. So if it does melt, it doesn't melt into your skin. And so, and they said, oh, by the way, if we flip over, don't do anything. We'll take care of you. Just if we flip over, you just stay in the thing. We'll turn it over. We'll get you out. All that kind of stuff. And I said, how often does that happen? I said, the Russian team just flipped over. And, and I said, okay. And then we had cameras all over this thing to capture it. And we ended with one camera less because my head whipped around so much that it knocked off one of the cameras in my head and we don't even know what happened to it. I don't think we ever retrieved it. So we missed one of the angles on it. And then, anyway, we did it. It was a huge mistake. I'm still waiting for it to see. And I had flown with the Thunderbirds, man. I pulled like 9 G's with the Thunderbirds. This seemed like more of a mistake than the Thunderbirds had been. I don't like the memory of it very much. But I got home that night and I took off my shirt. And Evie did not gasp. for the reasons I would hope. But I took off my shirt, and she goes, what happened to your back? I said, what do you mean? And on my shoulder, there was a brand on my shoulder, and the brand was the pattern of the weave of the Kevlar jerkin that I'd been wearing because as we went up on one of the high, I wasn't low enough in the bobsled, and we went up on one of the high turns, evidently my shoulder did rub against the ice. And for just the period of time that it rubbed against the ice, It heated up the Kevlar fast enough that it branded that pattern onto my shoulder. Isn't that fascinating? That's crazy. Do you remember that feeling? Do you remember feeling a burning sensation or was the feeling just out the door? No, the feeling was I'm going to die. Yeah. The feeling was I'm going to die. The feeling for the Thunderbirds, like when I flew with the Thunderbirds, that wasn't I'm going to die. That was, God, I cannot wait for this to be over. I don't know how many more of these turns I can take before I'm going to throw up. And also terrifying. But Bob said I will die. And the way I will die is my neck will snap off. Oh, my God. Like you take a piece of plastic and you bend it back and forth enough times to just – that's what my neck was doing. Yeah, yeah. So anyway, I'm not a muscle-bound individual. And then I also – then I did the skeleton. I did what – You did the skeleton? The skeleton is the luge but face down with your face is like – Three inches from the ice. Face forward. Face forward with a super dumb helmet. Oh, my God. Yeah. How did you do that? That's by yourself, right? I did it by yourself, yeah. Basically, you have to run and jump onto it, and I couldn't do that. First of all, the skeleton's really heavy. Oh, really? That thing's not light. Okay. It's heavy. And you're running, and you throw it in front of you, and you land on it, and you go. Okay. But I couldn't do that. So I just sat there, and somebody put their foot in the middle of my butt and pushed. Okay, nice. And then I went down all the way with a footprint on my butt. Nice. Which was really nice. So that's the story. Wow. Okay, wow. So bobsled, would you do it? No, never do it again. I would never do it again. I do not recommend it. Do you watch it? Do you watch it? Oh, yeah, because now I know. Oh, 100%. Oh, my God. Now I know. Because we hit that third turn, you're like, this is huge. Oh, my God. This is only going to get worse? Yeah. Terrifying. Nine more turns after that, too. Yes. Oh, my God. Oh, wow. Okay, well, that winter sports, it's no joking matter. No. Do you like roller coasters? Like what? No. Why do you sign up for these things, Stephen? Because there was a camera pointed at me. And it was funny. That was it. Why did I jump off a bridge in New Zealand to bungee jump when I was down there? Why? Because there was a camera pointed at me. Did you work here then? I did. Yeah. I remember the bungee jump footage. Oh, boy. I couldn't do that. But it's cool to step away from it and say, I did it. Not that cool. to say that. All right, well, today on the podcast we have a friend of the show, a friend of yours, coming on. It's not the same vehicle as a bobsled, but he's got a show called DMV, and he came on the show in October and talked a lot about how much he loves you. This is Tim Meadows. Oh, I love Tim Meadows. Tim is one of my favorite people in this industry we call the biz. and not even out of the biz. He's one of my favorite people. He's just a lovely fellow. I've known him since I was a tadpole back in Chicago and just a kind, thoughtful, super funny guy. Love this extended interview where you go through the business, you promote what you need to promote, and then two friends hang out at the end. That's what we love to hear. So is this extended? This is extended. It's been on the YouTubes. It's an approved extended show. No, it hasn't. This is exclusive. This is an exclusive. This is an exclusive cut here on the Late Show Pod Show only for our listeners Please enjoy Tim Meadows on The Late Show My next guest is an actor and comedian you know from Saturday Night Live, Mean Girls, and Peacemaker. He now stars in DMV on CBS. Well, I've decided I am going to make a move on Noah. What's a good icebreaker? Tell him to put one in his mouth. Stop. What's a good icebreaker, Greg? Why don't you ask him if he wants to adopt that dog you're fostering? Oh my god, that is a good idea. I mean, because if he's not a dog person, I mean, that is a deal breaker anyway. Mm, not sure you're in a position to start imposing deal breakers. What does that mean? Well, when was the last time you went on a second date? January of 23. You have no idea how hard it is to be a single woman in her 30s, okay? Is it any harder than being a black man in his 60s? I don't know. Is it? Nope. Nope. I'm so sorry. Please welcome back to The Late Show, Tim Meadows. Hi. Hey. Thank you. Thank you. Hello. Thank you. Hi, everyone. Nice to see you again. Likewise. Last time I saw you was at SNL's 50th celebration. Yeah, yeah. That thing, yeah. Did you have a good time, or was that just like going back to work for you? It was, I was having, I had a good time, actually. Did you sit with somebody fun? I sat between Leib Schreiber and Al Franken. That was enjoyable. I can beat you. I can top that. You can beat that? Yeah, I can. Let's play celebrity poker. Well, I said behind Cher. Okay, you already won. Sorry. You already won. Yeah. That's your face card. Yes. And I'm going to close with, no, I said next to, or seat away from David Byrne, from the Talking Heads. So that's why this, that's why they gave me this? Yeah, yeah. So that's from that night then. Okay, there you go. I'm a huge fan, man. Me too. And unbelievable. I love them so much. And I was so, like, I don't get too nervous around, you know, celebrities. Because I am one. I know. I heard. Yeah. I heard. I read. I read in the paper that you're a celebrity. But, no, he was at the SNL. And I saw him at the musical show the night before. And I was telling everybody I'm, like, a big fan, you know. And then I was sitting in the chair, and I was being told that he's right behind you. Byrne is right behind you. And I was like, oh, wow, this is great. And then it was like, now he's sitting next to you. He's coming over to sit next to you. Yes. And I turned around, and David Byrne was right there. And I was just like, hey, man, hi. And I introduced myself. I told him what a big fan I was. And then I didn't bother him anymore because I didn't want to ruin anything. I don't want him leaving the show going, boy, Tim Meadows was an ass. You know? It happened too many times. Yeah, because a lot of people think I am. Yeah, I know that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They go, he's famous and he's an ass. Right. But it was really fun meeting him because that movie, Stop Making Sense, made me get into comedy. Seriously. It made me. Why did it stop? I mean, it's a great, it's the greatest concert film of all time. But why comedy? Because what happened, I just thought at one point those guys had to make a decision of either becoming artists or becoming musicians, you know? Oh, because they were at design school together. Yes. And so I kind of, I fixated on that, the idea that they had to make a choice one day. And I was in college at the time, and I was like going, okay, well, I'm going to make a choice. Either I'm going to stay in college, or I'm going to go do improv in Chicago, and I'm going to give myself five years to do it. And it was the night, the last night that I saw Stop Making Sense. And I said, this is it. I'm going to do it. And I did. Stop making sense. Well, I'm making sense now. But let me... This is how much of a fan I am of Talking Heads. 77. And I did not know we were going to talk about it until, like, earlier when they were like, oh, yeah, remember you talked about David Byrne? I was like, yeah, I wore a T-shirt because I didn't pack well. Are you always wearing that T-shirt in case, like Superman, someone needs you to be a fan? You go into a phone booth and go, I'm ready to do life during wartime. Does anybody need a Talking Heads fan? Rip. Yeah, but I love Talking Heads. I love David Byrne, yeah. Yeah. I love you. You win. I love you, too. Thanks, buddy. Okay, last night, the show premiered. It's premiere week here on the CBS Television Network. Right. I was really glad to see your show was so funny. Last night, DMV premiered. Mm-hmm. And we got a little taste in the clip, as I was saying before. Who are you? What do you play? My name is Greg on the show. Yeah. And I play a very disgruntled DMV employee who used to be a teacher. But now he works at the DMV. Yeah, teachers. Yeah. Let's hear it for them. Or they might be applauding for used to. They're like, good thing he's not. But this guy was, yeah, he was a very unhappy teacher. and now he's a very unhappy DMV employee. Sure, you take it with you wherever you go. He's in an unhappy marriage. It's a fun character to play. That sounds like, I mean, it sounds like, you know, there's not a lot of people clicking their heels, you know, at the DMV. No, no. So when's the last time, did you go to DMV? Did you do any, like, ride-along there? You don't like research? Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. You're an actor. Yeah, I am an actor. I'm famous and I'm rich. But listen. The most important thing is I did do, I went to the DMV in Detroit, Michigan, where I live now. Yeah, I got a good one there. Yeah, Detroit, right. Yep. Keep it down. Anyways. Turned into Don Rickles all of a sudden. Okay. And what, just because you just had to change everything out because you were in a new state? Yes. Yep. And so I had a brand, I had a car that I had to change over, exactly. But I went into the DMV, and the guy who was a security guard said, hey man I used to date your girlfriend from high school And I was like no Like before you dated her or after He dated her No she cheated on him She cheated on me with him in college. And this is how you found out? Yes. At the DMV in Detroit. So that helped with the whole disgruntled part of the character. Yes, and unhappily married also. but no I was it's a true story how did he prove it he proved because he said I remember when you called her one time she went to Michigan State I'm giving away a lot here she went to Michigan State and I called her one time she clapped yeah alright but I called her one time and I heard a guy's voice on the phone and I was like who is that and she was like it's nobody it's just a friend and he was the dude He remembered the phone call Wow, and you remembered the phone call too Yes Wow Yeah, and now he's a security guard at the DMV in Detroit I'm here I'm here Yeah Thank you You got the busy fella, you got the CBS show You got the Peacemaker with John Cena over on the HBO Max. Or is it just HBO or just Max? I don't know anymore. All right. The T-shirt they sent me said HBO Max. But you've stolen everybody's heart with this. Let me just real quick. Everybody loves This Is You and Wheezy. Tell everybody about Wheezy. Yeah, this is Wheezy. She was named after Louise Jefferson from the Jeffersons. Yes. CBS. You know what? Yeah. What? Great callback. Thank you. Improv. I found this cat. My sister, she was hiding out in a carpet, rolled up carpet on my sister's porch in Detroit. I'm going to stop you just a second. Is this a good story? No, not really. Thanks so much for stopping by. Go ahead. Go ahead, because they're telling me to rap over there. What? There's another rap slide over there. And I'm like, I got to make sure, is this worth going long with the story? Well, where would you cut this interview? What? Before you air it, where were you cut? Were you cut after the David Byrne applause? I just want to know how this is going to... No, everything up until now would be in. But then I realized I just started the cat story. And it's going along. And I looked up, and it said rap. And I went, s***. If this is a good story, then that creates a headache for my editor and the producer over there. Right. But if it's not a good story, we're good enough friends that I can just cut you off. and we could do the story again if you ever come back because the show is over soon. Or I could come on your show. You know, you'd be a great host of this show. No, no. Shouldn't he get the late show? Do you want to do the rest of the year? Starting tomorrow? Yes. I'm busy. I got my own s*** going on. Oh, that's right. You got the DMV. I forgot famous Rich David Byrne. Wait, is this over? What? What's happening? No, we're still rolling right now. I could have did the cat story. Oh. So where'd you get Wheezy? She was in a rolled-up carpet in Detroit on my sister's porch, and I found her, and I took her to the vet, and I got her all fixed up, and named her after Louise Jefferson from the Jeffersons because she was moving from a rolled-up carpet to a very nice house in Detroit. Wow. Yeah. You know Jefferson's? Jefferson's. Jefferson's, CBS. CBS. That was on CBS. See that callback I did right there? That's pretty good, man. So you've become famous. Everybody loves you as Kitty Daddy. Yes, this cat tripled my Instagram following. Seriously, nobody cared about Tim Meadows on Instagram. And then suddenly I get a little kitten and everybody is just like insane. It got like over 2 million views over one point. I don't get that ever. You know what I mean? Peacemaker doesn't get those kind of numbers. Right. Are you in a relationship right now? Why? Because it seems like it's catnip for the ladies to see a guy who has a cat. I'm just saying. The ladies like Tim Meadows, okay? You know that. Ladies, man, we know this. I'm very happy. But sometimes we also know they step out on Tim Meadows. So we also know this. Hey. It's true. Your story, not mine, man. That's true. Your story, not mine. It ain't the first and it ain't the last. That's right. Tim, please keep the shirt on. Now, so great to see you, man. I love you, man. I love you, too. And people don't know, but Steve, I mean, you've done so much for me over the years. This dude is just, you're amazing. You've always. You've done it all for me. No, dude. I'm going to play. I was divorced and not working, and he brought me off his other show and continued to make me work. And I cannot thank you enough, dude. I love you. I love you, brother. Always. You can watch DMV Mondays at 8.30 p.m. on CBS. Mr. Tim Meadows, everybody. Thank you for listening to The Late Show Pod Show with Stephen Colbert. Just one more thing. If you want to see more of me, come to the Late Show YouTube channel for more clips and exclusives. late night political gay live comedy podcast every Saturday.