Richard Diamond, Private Detective: The Singing Critic 11/05/1949

Welcome to Choice Classic Radio, where we bring to you the greatest old-time radio shows. Like us on Facebook, subscribe to us on YouTube, and thank you for donating at choiceclassicradio.com. Here's Dick Powell as Richard Diamond, private detective. Rick! Well, hi, baby. Why? What in the world are you so happy about? Why aren't you at the office? Now, don't confuse me, dear. One question at a time. Come on in the study, and I'll tell you all about it. Oh, now, stop being so mysterious. You'll never come over here at this time of the day. Read some of these. What are they? Letters. Read them. All of them? Well, there must be at least a half a hundred. Well, close. Fifty-three. And those are only about one-tenth of the pile that's in my office. Oh, Rick, are these? Yeah, the lovely, dear, sweet tenants in that gorgeous building right next to this one. They like your singing. Read a couple. Me, me, me. Ho, ho, ho. De-de-de-de-de-de-de-de. Dear Mr. Diamond. La, la, la, la. Rick. Go on, go on, go on. Well, stop sounding like a whole quartet. All right. Dear Mr. Diamond, I live in the building across the way from Miss Asher's apartment. Right over there. At least once a week, I sit in my living room and listen to the sounds of your melodious voice. Last week, however, I waited for seven straight days, but without result. You did not sing. Please, Mr. Diamond, for the sake of my family, continue to sing at least once a week. I'm beginning to nag my husband, and yesterday I took the rubber bone away from my French poodle. Every party shall be a ghost. You see, it's getting to be a real problem with me, and if you want to save me the $25 a day, I would have to pay my psychiatrist, sing... Lotto! Yours expectantly, Mrs. Louise Cartwright. Rick, are they all like this? Well, certainly not. Some of them are really desperate. Now, here's the one I saved out. Read this one if you really want to get a charge. Oh, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. My dearest, Mr. Donald. Go on, go on, go on, go on. I have been listening to your beautiful singing. What? What do you mean, what? Uh, what you just read. I've been listening. No, no, no, the last part. Your beautiful singing? Yes, I'm in a chanted evening. Oh, you show off. Go on, finish it now, finish it. Well, she's been listening to your beautiful singing. Oh, yes. Um, and many times I've seen you going into Miss Asher's apartment, and I think you are as beautiful as your voice. Oh. Well. Now, you said that. Turn off the steam and read the last part. I wouldn't miss it. Last week, I waited and waited, but you didn't sing. Every party shall be exalted. I know you were in Miss Asher's apartment, and you certainly had the chance. If Miss Asher is the one that won't let you sing, come over to my apartment. I have a piano, and I just love it. 977 Park, apartment 303. Hmm. Signed, your most ardent fan, Ellen. Rick, what are you doing? Open your window. Put your things a little stuffy in here. The air conditioning's on. Rick, now stay away from that piano. No, I knew it, I knew it. Ellen's right. You really don't want me to sing. At 11 o'clock in the morning? No. I want you to sing tonight when it's more romantic. Oh, shame on you. Me? Yes, you. You want to deprive those poor, discouraged people of a little honest, simple pleasure? You want that woman to take her dog's bone away again? You idiot. Oh, no telling what'll happen. Those people might not leave their apartments for days. It'll get to be like a prison camp. Think of it. No food. They won't leave the building even to go out and get an orange or a lime or something. And you know what? What? Scurvy. They'll be dying like flies. Well, go on. What's the matter? Dying like flies. I wonder who thought up that bright little assembly. I've got a big green fly in my office. It's a toughie. He carries a man sweater. Oh! Well, you think it's funny, do you? Think what'll happen if those poor people stay in that building, withering up with scurvy, you fiend. I, I know it. Yes. It's just that, well, I don't want to share your tonsils with anyone. I'm selfish. You're more than that. You're antisocial. All right. All right. You mean? Yes. Sing. Stop, fellow. A hundred and one pounds of fun. That's my little honey bun. Rick. Yes? Did you hear something? Oh, I think so. Try it again. All right. A hundred and one pounds of fun. That's... Rick. Oh, yes. I heard it. It's that grouch. Rick. Yes. There's an enemy in the camp. What do we do? We can't just let those people die over there. Sink him. You mean? Yes. Sink. It's your duty. You're right. It's no longer a matter of personal pride. I must defeat the grouch at all costs. For those thousands starving tenants. Thousands? Big rooms. Stand back Good luck Thank you You are my sunshine You are my sunshine You are my sunshine You are my sunshine You are my sunshine You are my sunshine You are my sunshine He's nearly down You are my sunshine You are my sunshine You are my sunshine You are my sunshine You are my sunshine Rick? Victor? Decidedly Bull Run was never like this All right. Now sing Honey Bun and save those poor people. A hundred and one pounds of fun. That's my little Honey Bun. Honey Bun. Bun. Rick. Good grief. Bun. Rick what happened I don know I can talk all right but the minute I go up something happened I hope you didn hurt it La la la la la la la la la Oh Rick Oh, now, isn't that ridiculous? I can't help laughing, but it isn't really funny. Come on, let's go get you some warm milk or something. Mimi, la, don't I'm off, moat. Now, stop that. Give it a rest. Oh, if that grouch only knew, I may never bother him again. Well, he's the only one that doesn't like it. Poor guy. Poor guy, now, that's a silly thing to say. Well, honey, he doesn't like it. Let's face it. He'll probably get so desperate he'll have to move. Okay, let him. I wonder what he's doing right now. I'll bet he's planning something fiendish. You think he's going to start shooting burning arrows? I wouldn't put it past him. Now, let's take care of that throat. Well, sometimes silly things like that happen. I come on like a big baritone and lose my voice. Helen has to feed me hot lemon juice and honey for about three hours. and the grouch across the way in the next apartment starts thinking up the ten best ways to eliminate Diamond. Think I'm kidding? Well, let me tell you. I didn't know it then, but that fast course of You Are My Sunshine with my own lyrics started more trouble than a hopped-up mouse in a herd of elephants. While Helen fed me the tonsil cure, old grouch head was dreaming of a cure. What am I going to do? I work in the daytime, try to sleep at night. He sings at night. I switched to the night shift. He sings in the daytime. Oh, I'll fix him. I'll fix that diamond. Yeah, phone book. Phone book. Detectives. Private detective. Ah, look at that. Richard Diamond, private detective. Full page ad. Wouldn't you know it? Yeah, look at that slogan. Whoever you are, whatever you do, if you're too dead to walk, we'll come to you. Ugh. Must be other detectives in here. Ah, here's one. Pat Kosak. You are my son, Shrine, eh? Little diamonds that'll fix you. I'll fix you good. Yeah? Is this Pat Kosak? Yeah, for employment. Haven't I heard of you before? I doubt it. Probably that Shamus in Frisco. He's always stealing my stuff. Well, my name is Ernest Lumpkin. Happy Halloween, Mr. Pumpkin. No, no, no. Lumpkin. Lumpkin. Okay, okay. What can I do for you? Well, I've got a problem. It concerns another person in your line of work. You mean another shamus? Yes. He sings. You mean Diamond? Oh, is he a friend of yours? A competitor isn't a friend. Diamond gets more clients than anyone in the business, so he isn't even a competitor. He's a capitalist. He can advertise. People go to him instead of me. I hate him. Oh, Mr. Koslack. Hey, you're not alone. The name's Cossack, Mr. Dumpkin. Uh, Lumpkin. Lumpkin, Dumpkin. You want to hire me? But you don't even know what I want you to do. Can you pay me 50 bucks a day? If you can do the job in one day. For 50 bucks, I'll steal a Chrysler building. Bring it over to you on a motor scooter. What's your address? 977 Park Avenue. And hurry! How does your throat feel now? Oh, scalded. I'll be eating Zymol trochies for a week. Oh, now, it wasn't that hot. Wasn't it? Honey, that lime water was so hot, Alibaba could have boiled his 40 thieves in it. Your speaking voice is all right. Every... Oh, I think I've swallowed the bear rug. Where are you going? Well, I can't sing, and I'm going to see you tonight anyway, so I think I'll drop down to the 5th precinct and drive Sergeant Otis out of his mind. Oh, Rick, that poor man. He called up last week when Lieutenant Levinson was looking for you, and he sounded like he was dying, and you were responsible. Honey, when Otis dies, everybody will be running around in spaceships. He got through the Stone Age all right, didn't he? Bye. I left Helen and headed for the 5th Precinct Police Station. It was one of those good afternoons. The sun was leaning on 3 o'clock, and now and then a cool breeze would sail through my sinus and pump my lungs full of that easy, good-to-be-walking-around feeling. I had just about everything. Good job, good girl, and a 4-0 report from my insurance company. When I reached the station, I hopped up the steps and bounced into the squad room. Sergeant Otis was sitting over in the corner making out the weekly report for the commissioner. Hello, Otis. Oh, what do you want, Shamas? Well, really nothing. I just came by to see if I could borrow one of your shoes. I'm going sailing. Oh, that's very funny. You know, someday, Gumshoe, you're going to run out of gags. Then what are you going to do? Well, I could set you on fire. That's sure to be a good chuckle. Oh, yeah. Lieutenant in? Yeah. Otis, you want to know how to catch a crook? How, white guy? Eat a lot of spaghetti. Oh? How can I catch a crook that way? Just open that big mouth and say, oh, yeah. You'll lasso him. Hello, Lieutenant Levinson. Lieutenant Levinson? Well, how do you do, Mr. Diamond? Now, what's with the formal routine? Oh, I can't help it. Every time I leave Otis, I feel like I've just stepped out of a gorilla cage. Oh, why don't you leave that poor guy alone, Rick? He's used to it. If I started treating him like a human being, he'd get so confused he'd probably cut off his tail. Think what would happen to Walt when he wanted to go to sleep at night. No more hanging upside down. Oh, brother. What's on your mind? Oh, I just thought I'd stop by and chew the fat. Well, go ahead. I already did. Chew the whole pound right off Otis. Walt, are you sure he's a mammal? Now, you listen to me. Otis is a nice fella. For a hammerhead. He can't help it, so stop tearing him down and tell me what you really want. Walt, I'm surprised at you. I just wanted to stop by and say hello. Hello. Where's the body? Now, look, there's no body, just a nice chat, that's all. Okay, but I warn you, I won't stand for any routines. And if you're mixed up in something and I have to find out the hard way, so help me, I'll put you away so far that I'll have to pipe air into you. Walt, you do? Do what? Love me. Oh. Would you like to wear my Sig Alf pin? Right, but Pete's sake, what's the matter with you? You've been growing puppies in your office? Wait a minute. Yeah, what is it, Otis? Miss Asher on the phone for Diamond. Okay. Phone for you, Rick. Alan. Oh, thanks. Fifth Precinct. Remember our motto, a corpse in the morgue is worth two in your basement. Oh, no. It's true, Walt. It's true. Oh, I bet Walt just jumped out of the window. No, honey, there's a cash system around here. When Walt feels like jumping out of a window, he throws Otis out first to see if it hurts. Hiya, baby. Hi. Rick, a Mr. Jones called. He said it was very important that he see you at once. He said it was a matter of life and death. Jones? First name John? Well, he didn't say. He just gave me an address and asked you to come over immediately. 137 River Street. He called me at your apartment? Uh-huh. Hey, I never saw that. How'd he get the numbers? No telling. Well, I'll go on over. Maybe he'll turn out to be a good client. Call you later, baby. How's your throat? Oh la done I open Goodbye Rick Hey you really sound terrible Yeah I see you later Walt Huh Oh well thanks for the brilliant conversation Sporty Walt just because I didn have a corpse hidden out someplace you get mad All right, see if I care. Oh, now, wait a minute. No, no, I understand. Well, you can just get someone else to play jacks with. I'll send you Sam Spade. Now, Rick! Otis. Yeah, Lieutenant. Why haven't you got that report in here? I've been eating spaghetti. Spaghetti? Yeah, and that diamond's a liar. I can't lasso nothing. Maybe you have to be a cowboy. Thanks, Gabby. Keep the change. 137 River Street, the address Helen had given me over the phone, was an old deserted warehouse. Now, I want to stop right here and say I admit it was pretty stupid to wander into an empty warehouse like that, but I figured that this Jones guy must be in some kind of trouble to leave a message like that with Helen. The place was as empty as a fairground in the weather. I put my hand on my 38 and kept moving toward the back of the building. Then I saw a door. The sign on it said, John Jones. Enter. And wouldn't you know it, I did. Hey! What's going on? Where am I? Get me out of here! Come on, Mr. Lumpkin. Let's get out of here. Get me out of here! But I don't understand. He's liable to stay in there forever. I don't want him to stop singing like that. Somebody will come along. I promise you that. I just want him to stay in there for half an hour. That's all. Now, wait a minute. I want to know just what this is all about. You want him to lose his voice, don't you? Oh, I love it. Well, when he went through that door, he started losing it. How? Well, what's behind that door? An ice box. Come on, Mr. Grumkin. Well, that's exactly where I was. In an ice box. Not a very big one, but a very cold one. The kind the company might have to store fresh meat and drinks. I tried breaking down the door, but it was a foot thick. I struck a match and looked around. Lots of ice, no way out. So I turned up my collar and sat on the way. I don't know how long I sat there, but I guessed it to be about 20 minutes. I could tell because my feet had frozen up about 20 minutes worth. Then I heard that lovely sound. Rick. Rick, you in there? Yeah, yeah. Hand me an ice pick. I want to get my feet ungrossed. How on the devil did this happen? Well, I think one of the frozen food companies got a new idea. What's the matter, Diamond? Forget your sleigh. Shut up, Alderson. You think you can walk, Rick? Yeah, sure, but I might squeak a little. Ooh, got a Bunsen burner handy. Otis. Okay. How did you find me? We got a call. From a guy named Jones? Yeah. Said he was in danger and that you were coming down to meet him at the warehouse. Said he saw two guys lock you in this icebox. Oh, dandy. Did he say where he was? Yeah. Here's the address. Thanks. Hey, where do you think you're going? I feel better now. I'm going over to find Jones. Well, you might get in trouble. If I can find the two guys who locked me up, you can bet on it. I'm going to send Otis along with you. Otis? I thought you wanted me to keep out of trouble. Oh, now, wait a minute. I can keep you out of trouble, Diamond. Oh, Otis, you couldn't find an elephant in an elevator. But come on and bring your head with you. This is the address where that Jones guy said he'd meet you. Ah, I'm Mandelbaum, Swedish massage. Hmm, this guy really picks up some great places to hide out. Come on, Otis. Feet first or the rest of you will never get out of the car. Hey, hey, Diamond. You think while you're talking with this guy Jones, I might get me a rub down? Otis, to rub that stomach of yours, it would take a gallon of baby oil and an octopus to get anywhere. Hey, smells kind of good, don't it? Like a pine tree, maybe. Otis, how would you remember? The last time you smelled a pine tree was when you used to run with a pack. Now listen here, Diamond. You gotta lay off. I don't go around here. What can I do for you? Holy cow. Get the biceps. Oh, I'm looking for a guy named Jones. Yeah? Who wants him? The name's Diamond. Oh. Well, Mr. Jones is expecting you. I think he's back in the steam. Which way is it? Straight back. I'd show you this when I gotta give a guy a rub. Come on, Otis. You must be at the end of the hall. That's a pretty bright observation. seeing as how there's only one door and it's at the end of a hall. Yeah, yeah, that's the steam room. How do you know? By this little window in the door. What do you see? Steam. Then by golly, it must be the steam room. Hey, I can't see nothing. Uh, Mr. Jones? Hey, ain't that some guy lying over there on the bench? Looks like it. Mr. Jones? He don't answer. No. Hold it. Look, I'm going over there. Keep the door open. I don't want anyone to lock me in this place. Oh, okay. Mr. Jones, I... Well... Hey, Otis. It's just a bunch of towels rolled up to look like somebody. Hey! Otis, what's the matter? Diamond. Yeah, yeah, where are you? Right over here. Well, what are you doing there? I told you to stay by the door and keep it open. Well, I did stay by the door until I got pushed. Pushed? Oh, no. You know something? What? I think we're locked in. Oh, shut up, Otis. Ah, but I don't feel so good. What are we gonna do? Oh, why don't you be happy? It's the only chance you'll ever get to sort off some of that blubber. Yeah, you're one I should look like, one of them atrocity pictures. Otis, you could lose 300 pounds and still weigh in with King Kong. Yeah, there's no time to get nasty. Well, relax. Read a magazine or something. What do you mean? This is what I said. Read a magazine. Isn't that one right over there? Yeah. Oh, for Pete's sake. How can I read this thing, Shamus? The pages is all stuck together. You couldn't read the first line of an eye chart anyway. Just look at the pictures and shut up. Okay. Hey! What's the matter? This magazine. Take a look at this. What is it? It's one of them movie magazines. Movie stars parade. So what? Well, get a load of these pictures. Ain't that you? Let me see. Well, how about that? Some guy acting like Richard Diamond, private detective. Well, it looks like you. Ah, no, it's that Powell guy, that actor. Carry it up. Oh, no, no, it's a good magazine. Give me that. Oh hey what you do that for If it hadn been for that juvenile I could have been in pictures myself Now try kicking in that little window again Ah it no use That glass must be bulletproof Oh swell First an icebox and now a steam bath. I'm going to start thinking I'm in California. Well, don't just sit there sweating. Do something. My uniform's shrinking. Well, maybe now it'll match your head. I just can't figure this. If someone wants to get rid of me, why did they do it the old-fashioned way? Oh, don't say that. How long do you think we've been in here? I don't know. Hey, Diamond. Yeah? My socks just disappeared. Well, go kick on the door again. It's your turn. I don't think I can make it. We've been in here for days. Hey, look at your watch. It's all steamed up. I can't tell. You think there'll be anything left? Just your shoes, Otis. It'll take a blast furnace to get rid of those. Wait a minute. What's the matter? I thought I heard somebody outside. Yeah? Help! Help! Shut up. Hey. Hey, what's going on in here? Who closed the bowl on the door? We're safe. Would you mind helping us out, old man? We seem to be a little limp. Hey, where's Mr. Jones? Hey, what are you doing in here with your clothes on? Trying to get them steam clean. Oh, fresh air. Now, would you two guys mind telling me what this is all about? Maybe you better tell us, Buster. I don't know what you mean. Who locked the door on us? How do I know? I give a guy a rub. When I come back, I find the door bolted. Hey, where's Mr. Jones? You sure he was in the steam room? Sure. He comes in and says he wants a steam. You should show up. I should send you back. I told him I was going to give a rub to stay in long as he liked. Did he ask you how long the rub would be? Yeah. Matter of fact, he did. I said it'd be about half hour. I don't get it. I don't get it. He wanted me in that steam room for just a half an hour. He wanted me in that ice box for about the same time. What's with this? Diamond, look at this uniform. Oh, I think it's lovely, Otis. You should always wear knickers. Rick, this is stupid. Didn't the guy at the steam room tell you what this Jones guy looked like? Well, from the description, could have been anyone. Look, I'm just as mixed up as you are. Well, we'll keep after it. Just don't worry, that's all. Hey, Diamond, Miss Asher just called and I told her what's been happening. You mean you know? No, but I told her anyway. She said you should come right over because she had dinner for you. She wanted to take care of you. Isn't he a lovely wolf? Think what that head is going to look like in a bottle. Oh. Now you got him sore. It's going to be horrible around here. Well, isn't it always? Now I'm going on over to Helen's. Keep after that Jones guy and let me know if you'll run across anything. How are you, Mr. Clumpkin? Clumpkin. Okay, how are you? Come in, come in. Well? Diamond and a friend. You think it did the trick? Look, when Pat... Yeah, Cossack. Yeah, Cossack. Well, when I do anything, the results are guaranteed. I just tailed Diamond from the station. He went into his girlfriend's apartment across the way. Oh, goody. Let's see what happens tonight. I'm staying home from work just to hear him not sing. Yeah. About my 50 bucks. Oh, look, he's never in that apartment more than 10 minutes before he starts singing. If he goes over 15, you get your 50. Come on. What are we going to do? Raise the window. I don't want to miss the lovely silence when he opens that big bazoo. Okay, that looks funny. I'm sorry, Rick, but your clothes are so much. Did you see Otis? I'm sorry. Well, you should be. I don't know what I've been through. Oh, yes, I do, and Mommy's going to make it better. Here's a nice drink. I don't want a nice drink. Oh, it's strong enough. Well, put it in the dirty glass. You just drink it. Okay. Oh, wow, my throat. Ah! You hear something? No, why? Nothing. Your throat's still pretty bad. Don't know. Me, me, me, me, oh. Hey, it's pretty good. That sounds great. Oh, no! Now, I heard something then. Yeah, so did I. It's a grouch again. Give it to him. Oh, you bet. I feel mean. A hundred and one pounds of fun That's my little honey bun Get a load of honey bun tonight I'm speaking of my sweetie pie Only sixty inches high Every inch is packed with dynamite Her hair is blonde and curly Her curls are hurly-burly Her lips are pips I call her hips Whirly and whirly She's my baby I'm her pap I'm her booby She's my trap I am caught and I don't want to run Cause I'm having so much fun With honey bun Hey, what's going on over there? Your post-rack. Okay, but don't hit me again. If you keep the 50 bucks. Said he wouldn't sing again, huh? Said he fixed it. Well, I'll fix you. No, not that. Put down that chair. Oh, get out of here. That boat, you're singing better than ever. Okay, okay, only don't hit me again. Yes, Rick? You know, that icebox and that steam bath were the best things in the world for my throat. Yes. After you lost your voice this morning, I didn't think anything was going to help. But that icebox and that steam bath really did. Diamond! Oh, hello, Mr. Lumpkin. Did I hear you say you lost your voice this morning? That's right, Mr. Lumpkin. Then didn't think I was going to get it back either. Good night, Mr. Diamond! Oh! You have just heard Richard Diamond, Private Detective, starring Dick Powell. Helen was played by Virginia Gregg, Lieutenant Levinson by Ed Begley. Also in our cast were Wilms Herbert, Jack Crucian, and Stephen Dunn. Music was under the direction of Frank Worth. Richard Diamond is written and directed by Blake Edwards. Richard Diamond, starring Dick Powell, was previously released over the National Broadcasting Company for listeners in the United States and has been re-released to you men and women overseas by the United States Armed Forces Radio Service, the voice of information and education.