EP 70: From Rock Bottom to 1 Year Sober | Austin O’Bryan

Disclaimer. At two addicts in the moron, we discuss personal stories of addiction with the intention of being educational, relatable, and inspirational. The views and experiences shared are those of individuals involved are not meant to glorify or condone any illegal or harmful behavior. This content is for educational purposes only and is not intended as professional advice. If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, we strongly encourage you seek help from a qualified professional or support service. Episode 70 of two addicts in the moron. We are back, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome back. And we got a very special guest in the house today. Came here from straight from the gym. You can pretty much tell that he's did such good shape. I'm insanely jealous of this man. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Austin O'Brien, everybody. Hey, thanks for coming, brother. Welcome, man. I appreciate y'all having me on. It's an honor for sure. No, dude, honors are as man. Thank you for stopping by and we're just going to chop it up and hear a little bit. And they hear you got a pretty cool, not cool, but I hear you got a pretty intense story. So I'm excited to dig in. So forgive my ignorant questions because you figured out here just about five minutes ago that I'm not an addict. Yeah, I mean, hey, it's all about perspective, right? Yeah, yeah, we have to explain that a lot. I feel like everybody's like, wait, you're not an addict and I'm like, no, I just the moron, right? Like the moron. And then they're like, oh, okay, it makes sense. So they tied all in together. But glad we could shed some light even on you for that. Appreciate you stopping by. So brother, tell us, well, let's start with this. How long have you been sober? So this go around actually on the 11th of next month, it'll be one year. Hey, let's go. It's a big deal. It's a big deal. So multiple go rounds, huh? I am of the slow variety, learning disabilities in the program, for sure. Yeah, well, look, dude, that's a common tale. I think a lot of people have that similar story. So glad you're here now, though. And that's huge. One year, you got any plans for the celebration on a one year. What do you do? So actually this coming out weekend, the 25th is my birthday. So I'm going to go see my son. And then, you know, I got a spontaneous trip going out of town with my partner. And don't know where I'm going until I show up to the airport. Nice. So that's a solid partner, dude. It is. Yeah, man. It's just, it's crazy and baffling that like when you fully surrender and like actually start doing this thing, work in the program, the things that come. And so I mean, I'm just truly grateful for it. Nice. Yeah, there's little miracles that you first hear about that they talk about, you know, the miracles that come with doing the steps and going through the program. And then like in the beginning, it's like, that's all bullshit. Right. That's that. But then when they ever you start seeing them happen, it's like, oh, this is the promises that the book talks about that I would actually see come to fruition. Yeah, it's awesome. What do you do whenever you celebrate your 30 days, 60 days, 90 days? Because something we always talk about is like a lot of people. I've heard a lot of people say, what's just 30 days or just 60 days? And always my biggest thing that always say is celebrate every one of those victories. Because that's a big fucking deal. Like 30 days when I was using, I didn't think that was even possible. Like there is no way I can get about five or six days. But once that depression starts kicking in from being off a mess. And once those cravings and all those memories and all those things start coming to my head. And then that little devil starts selling me. I know how to fix this. Like man, I'll go use quick. So I always tell everybody, make sure you celebrate those victories, even if it's for that night, go celebrate it celebrating a big day. They are in a big way. And then the next day it's onto the next one, onto the next one. So what do you do when you hit your milestones? Man, I mean, that is actually a great question. Like I'm sitting here thinking because if I sit there and get ahead of myself, then that plays a disservice there. That ego comes, you know, for sure. I got this. But I mean, it's a little like mix of like that pink cloud as well. Yeah. Like I'm separated from the drug, feeling good. Yeah. Get ahead of myself. And then you know that thought process, man, I'm good. Yeah. I'm cured. But answer your question like, you know, celebrate it with people around me that are doing the deal. Yeah. You know, that's what I got to do. And then thing is the time doesn't matter. It really doesn't at the end of the day. It's quality of a quantity in my eyes. Yeah. So like I had three years sober before this. And I burned it all to the ground in a matter of month. Yeah. Click. Yeah. And like what I've done in these last 11 months, like I packed more into it than I did that three years. Yeah. So I don't know if that answered your question. But around yourself around other people. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's one of the best ways to do it when I go get my chips. It's let's go out to eat or let's go play pickleball or let's go do something fun that we don't have to get messed up on. And we can just enjoy it. You know, what? And me being like an outside looking in guy to a lot of these people. I always tell them I'm like, man, if you've got to celebrate every day, like because every day is another day that you put in the books. Yeah. Yeah. So you do whatever you have to do to keep it focused. You've got to break it down by the half a day or a day or an hour. Yeah. By all means, man, take advantage and honor yourself with a small little victory and a little bit of a treat for yourself. Because straight up, man, you guys have earned it. I mean, you have earned it in some of the biggest ways that I've ever heard my live man. So that's really cool. I'm glad to hear you say that. Now, what was the D. O. C. Anything that makes me feel different or not feel anything. Okay. My disease is strictly man of more. Yeah. I want more of whatever feeds my ego makes me feel good. Okay. Yeah, man. That's common tale too. I mean, he, I think you have one of the more unique ones where it was just meth was just it, right? No thirst or hunger for anything else, but that you get a lot of people that that come in here and say that. There's a lot of people that are going to get it. And then you're going to say that they're like, dude, what you got like in the great words of Steven came here say, he's like, what you got man? Like I'll do it. Funny when people would use to say you want some coke. Yeah. Absolutely. That's terrible. Yeah. I will speak on like what, you know, finally made me feel normal. No, it's pain pills. Yeah. I'm from the Houston area. So that. That epidemic, the early 2000 and then 2010s affected a lot of my friends. Yeah. Because the doctor is shopping and everything. It was just so affluent. And yeah, that's definitely like, oh, this is how it feels to be normal. My, you know, feel really good. Yeah. Yeah. That's something that. I mean, it doesn't get talked about near enough, but that epidemic and the doctor hopping and the pill mills all of that, just how accessible all that all these dangerous things. Just how many, how many addictions were birthed out of out of that is nuts. So big farming in general. But yeah, I know it's talking about. I have a like so going in more death about it with my childhood, like, you know, the riddle in epidemic. For sure. I was put on ADD meds at first grade. Yeah. And so like that whole thing. And I thinking about like on the drive over here, like how I could put it, but like, I was on that all the way up consistently until I was 18. Yeah. And I lost it. Like, I lost out on a lot of life lessons emotionally. Because I was numb. Yeah. Yeah. So then whenever I sat there and like finally found pain pills when I got off ADD meds, then those feelings hit me when I went to treatment for the first time. And I didn't know what I was feeling. Right. At all. Yeah. And that's where I'm getting like on the slow variety. Right. It's been bouncing in and out for 14 years. Yeah. I mean, that makes a lot of sense. Because I believe I have ADD. I think I always had it. My mother, who is one of the smartest people that I know, like, is a brilliant person, did not get a silly, you know, class clown kid like me. She just it was she was taking me to like, you know, all these different places. Well, they got thrown out at her from what I understand to maybe he needs some medication to and she was like, that's not happening. Like, this is up to you teachers or whoever educators to get him honed in and get him to figure it out. Right. But it probably was one of the bigger gifts that ever got was like, my mom just being like, nah, he's he just got to figure this shit out. Right. Like, and I've got to figure this out with everybody around. So that makes a lot of sense. How he talks about it all the time. How his growth. Stunted when he got really bad into addiction, right. But when you're in first grade and you're just becoming a zombie in school for till 18. Your emotional growth was severely stunted at a very early age. So when it came time for you to start feeling things. It was probably like, what? What's happening right now that makes a huge amount of sense. So that was actually bridging into my next question for you was like, how do you feel like it started. But I think we just kind of got our our answer there. So talk about how that progressed after the the riddle in. So a group of me and my friends after football games, you know, growing up and Katie Texans football is real big. Yeah. You know, like sitting there playing a game and then going to party after that was that was the thing to do. Yeah. And so I started drinking. I was I was a guy with the fake ID. Yeah. Like sort of growing this beard when I was like 15. Yeah, I do not have to go down the principal's office and shave with a single blade. But one times, but we would drink, man. Like and football was always a big part of my life. I started playing when I was in second grade full contact and then also baseball. But what changed was I quit caring about the football more about the party after. Yeah. And so what I what I realized later on when I went to college because I started drinking got off the ADD meds, but I hated the drinking. Yeah. And I was like, I know what what it was that drinking actually calm the like come down from the ADD meds and the body tension. And so it relieved that. So I started noticing that and then I ventured off into marijuana. And then the pain pills came in because I didn't want anybody know that I was under the influence because I was always I would go to class. I was able to do that. I wanted to be functional. Right. I call it being high undercover. Right. So the marijuana you would smell like it. Yeah. Yeah. So you get pulled over. Yeah. You know, you're at higher risk physical repercussion. Yeah. Getting busted probable cause. Yeah. So I mean, um, the mental shift I saw it in high school. You know, like I went from liking like not liking the ADD meds. So sitting there jamming Metallica on the way to school my car and getting a pump from it. Right. Nice. Yeah. That's wild that you say that. So, um, do you ever, when did it take you? Is that something that you learned when you were sober? Like you look back at those moments in high school where because you're not picking up on that then. Right. You're just like, oh, this is just normal. I mean, I'm not sure if you're going to be ritualistic lifestyle. But, um, God, that's got to be a wild like those gotta be wild epiphanies. To like come to where you're looking at it now from this completely different wins back then. And you're like, of course, of course, there's all how moments that you didn't realize then. Right. I know the first time looking back now, the first time that I realized like I had an addiction. And it was because I was going through withdrawals from not doing meth for a few days. And I thought I had flew. And I was like, man, I'm fucking real sick. And my buddy was like, you just need to smoke some more. And it will go away. You're going through withdrawals. And when he said that I didn't think twice about only shit. I'm, I got an addiction. I just thought I needed some medicine. And I smoked and I felt better. And I was like, oh, then I just won't, I don't. I don't ever want to feel like that. So I'm just never stopped smoking. Right. But looking back now, I remember that specific day and who was there. And I'm like, that's the day that I realized that now looking back, I realized, then I had a problem. But I didn't know it then I just thought I had a headache and I needed to take some aspirin. Yeah. Yeah. You know. And it's funny. You say that because if nobody would have told me I was in withdrawals, mentally, I wouldn't be sitting there harping on that. Yeah. I would just think it's another damn sick. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So sports pretty big deal for you. Did you play in college or no. Priorities changed. Yeah. So the work ethic there. Yeah. And I play in the, the disease man like you want that immediate gratification. So I feel like a lot of us stem from like not wanting to put in the long term work, the hard work. We want a fast, quick solution. So path of least resistance, right? Absolutely. Yeah. That's kind of what the drug always is. It's that conduit, right? That conduit of the path of least resistance to change the way that you're feeling him. It's pretty fucked up. It's pretty fucked up. Like even me, I never had a drug issue or anything like that. But I, I can do that now. I can look at moments that might have affected the way that I act inappropriately or otherwise to this like one moment when I was like bullied in school or like ousted by a friend group or you know something that made me feel really bad. And it was like, okay, now I just need to adapt what it is that I'm feeling to the And that can come in the way of humor that could come in the way of like inappropriate humor. Right. You know the shocking things that you say that will get people to like you or or gravitate towards you. So I, and I'll never get what it is to to run to the drug. I won't pretend to, but I do get those feelings. Right? They suck. They suck real fucking bad. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So bridging into a point where you knew that there was a problem. How old were you when you figured out like, oh shit, I actually have a real problem here. I knew it was a real problem. So I'll go home visit my family in Katie because I want to school in San Antonio to community college. And you know, I go home and then, you know, got to get back to San Antonio because running low. And, you know, like I flipped my truck on I 10 going about 70 over corrected and you know that the crazy thing is like so I wasn't under the influence or anything. I was upside down. And then I kicked my way out the window. There was a dumb bill in my car. Holy shit. A pin at that speed could kill me if it would have hit me in the head. Yeah. But all I could think was what can I say to have the ambulance sit there and give me pain medication to get out of witch rolls? Whoa. Yeah. Very, very like I was like, whoa, man, like this is like I'm out of my mind. Like this is crazy. Yeah. And it was right there in that moment. Yeah. It was a big wake up call. Yeah. And how old were you at that point? It was about 21, 22 years old. Okay. And so going into how did that bridge you into, um, maybe did that was at a bridge and they trying to get yourself right at that point. Or was it just like I'm going to keep riding the train all that all a moment only last for a little while. All right. And then you know, I got to go get right, right? Right. So now I still had some things to burn down before getting there. Okay. So what really happened was getting that big insurance check for my truck. And that sped up the process a little bit to get me into treatment for the first time. Okay. When did you go to treatment for the first time? So when I was 22 years old, um, 2011. Okay. And did you go willingly or did someone make you go? No, it was a dictated low. Yeah. That's what I call it. Yeah. Dictated low. Yeah. All right. So talk about that experience the first time. And I, um, so my place got broken into in San Antonio. Because of some things that I was doing. And then, um, I ended up leaving it with some retumb anyways and went back the Katie and, um, you know, like I always had a thing that I would not try a harder opiate than bike it in. Yeah. And, um, I had an uncle that actually passed away from heroin and HIV. Wow. So like it was a very, uh, big thing. Like it was a big thing that was that bothered my family. So I always said, you know, I'm not going to do that. I'll never do that. You know that like that's the typical thing that I'll never cross that line. Yeah. And I don't need to go into more detail about that. But you know what I'm talking about. Yeah. For sure. Yeah. We talk about it all the time. Yeah. That goal post moving. Yeah. Right. There's a hundred things I won't do. When you go into it and then a couple of years down the road, there's 50 things that I won't do to get high. And then when you start getting to that low, okay, there's like three things that I won't do. You know, I, I've heard it a lot of you know, I've heard it with him. You know, so we know exactly what you're there's probably three things I wouldn't do at the end of my drug addiction. And if I would have stayed in it for another year of suffering, probably wasn't anything that I wouldn't done. Yeah. Right. You know, just to make myself feel better, make myself not sick. Yeah. So I get that 100%. I got to get to that bridge due into a treatment for the first time. Some loved ones on me. Just. You know to a normal person when you're falling asleep while sitting up. Yeah. That's not normal. Right. So I ended up going to treatment my first time out in Houston at a place called Memorial Harmon the park. And did that, you know, graduated top 10% of my class. Yeah. That's like where my ego would go with it. Like I'm killing it in treatment. Yeah. I'm killing it, bro. Yeah. I can then want to. So. So. So. And I did that. So true. Go ahead. I graduated 2.91 and 2.91 out of 2.91 in high school. But I graduated top 10 in fucking recovery, baby. Rehab. I fucking number five. You know, you. You got those guys that are like going around and treatment, like getting everybody going like, you know, like home people accountable and like. I was still doing some shady stuff on the side. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. I mean, like promote it, but like not attracting it by your actions. Yeah. Oh yeah. And the people we meet there, dude, like, oh, man, I used to be like, oh, dude, I'm not that guy. Yeah. Like, now I am that guy. Yeah. But a lot worse. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We got to find humor in this stuff, man. Like we're going to keep it lighter. It will eat our lunch, man. I feel like. But like, yeah, dude, in treatment, like sitting there, home people accountable, you know, and then like. We all have rackets. And what I found out later on, and I'll talk about that in some of my more treatment stents. Yeah. But like you always got that guy that cooks or the girl that cooks or the funny one you spoke on. But like all that is is the mask what you're dealing with while you're in treatment for sure. Yeah. So, um, yeah, mine came in the form of harsh, aggressive accountability. Because those ADD meds and then I'm a middle child of a three boy family. So like that compassion and empathy part wasn't really like there. Yeah. And then you throw like competitive sports in there too. So. And then ADD meds like losing out on like learning that. Yeah. So, um, yeah, that was me in treatment, man. And then, you know, go to sober living and then I ended up having an opportunity to go to a program to get a diploma in personal training and fitness. Um, which launched my fitness career. And so, um, did that man and yeah, did that thought comes back. Man, you might have, you know, you might have just been low link college, you know, you might. This happened that happened, you know, you cheated on in high school like, you know, maybe that was the reason why I was doing that, which is all the lies of the disease. Right. I don't need to go to meetings anymore. Yeah. Making good money, having a lot of success. And then for you know, it may end you're off to the races again. Yeah. Watch it slip away. Yep. That he go, dude. Ego's a motherfucker, right? Yeah. Like it's a, it's a terror. Um, and I always, I always say there's a fine line between pride and ego. And it's very good to be proud, right? It's very good to be prideful. But being ego-tistical is not so good, right? And that line can get pretty blurry, you know, and especially for guys like yourselves who have to go back to do the work all the time. That's, um, it's, you guys are some of the best at separating that, you know, when you get into recovery, when you're really attacking it, making that blind, that line less blurry for yourself. This is, is a, is a big deal. Because of the fact of the matter is we're dudes. We just said it. We're all competitive guys. We want to win. Right. So the ego is never going to go away. It's just learning how to recognize and check it when it is, you know, and having the balls to do it. Yeah. Yeah. Cause that's hard. That's really, really hard. My ego is always a facade. Is that the right word? Yeah. Yeah. My, my ego is to cover all the fucking insecurities that I have. Cause I have a lot of, yeah. So my ego is like people that meet me probably think many is the most confident person that I've ever met. But I'm fucking really not. It's just I act as if. I'm my ego and I have to keep, I have to keep that, I have to keep it in control for sure. Otherwise, I will think that I'm too good and I know everything. And I figured this thing out when really haven't figured anything out. I'm just figured it, I'm literally just figuring out life at 45 years old. Like for real. You know, it's like what you said, whenever you started with Adderall in first grade, you went through all your childhood without learning certain things. I always say that my learning stopped at 32 and it didn't start. I didn't start learning again until I was 42. Like that whole time when I was using drugs, I had to go back to when I was 32 and start learning shit again. Yeah. Cause I didn't learn anything in during that time, except how to get high and like the emotions and things that I should be able to deal with in certain ways. I didn't know how to deal with them. So I had to go back and learn like people losing people. I had to learn how to deal with that without getting high at someone's funeral. You know, so yeah, I get that. But yeah, my ego is just a big front, huge front. That's all that is. It's a fear driven man. It's just it protects. Yeah. So I like that man. Like 100%. And if I look back in first grade, the type of trouble I was getting in, my favorite outfit was cowboy boots and sweatpants. And I loved kicking kids down the slide. All right. Because it's that fear driven like want to be on top. Yeah. You know, in the competitive edge and like on top dog. Yeah. I'm going to get you before you get me. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. So you graduate at the top of the class and a rehab stint that didn't work. So all all I don't like using it didn't work. Yeah. Cause all the stints I had added up the things, you know, it's it's a long it's a long game. Right. You learned a little bit here, a little bit there, a little bit there. Chippin, chippin at long term sobriety. Yeah. That's a good way of looking at it. Yeah. So you get out how long did it take you after your first stint rehab to get back on on the train as it were. So actually I had a year sober. Not not long at all. I ended up going back to the same place. And then I did that another time too. So I did their impatient. PHP and IOP all three times. And then I ended up going to place called the Hossi and I use that to my advantage for like my loved ones in my life. Like what's insanity doing the same thing over and over again. Same treatments. Yeah. Cause I wanted to go to La Cienda. Right. And then I wanted to go to you a long term minstri meant to. So that manipulation side man like we're we're some of the smartest people. Because those character defects that we had that their survival skills actually suit us while we're in our addiction. And then they come out when we get sober, but you can utilize them for good if you have good intentions. I always say it you guys are some of the most resourceful people outside of using. You just figure out now a way to make it for good and not evil. Right. Like grinding and the stories that you hear for people like trying to beat a drug test or you know all the I mean the tangled web that just gets weaved. You know, and then you figure all that out and be like what you never lose that you're never going to lose the resourcefulness that you had while you were on drugs. That grind or that hustle that grind that hustle the making something out of nothing. You know, and it blows me away. Like it seriously blows me away for a lot of a lot of you guys like I'll sit back and watch it some of the things that recovered addicts create. And I'm just like you're fucking them you're amazing like you're amazing. You just figured out a way to channel it in a much healthier and better way, you know legal way. Legal way. Yep. So you said three stints total. Oh no, that was just the beginning. So how many fuck out of here. So how many stints let's do that. So after LaHosienda. I went to a program all men's treatment up in a carbonyl Colorado. Okay. For nine months. And I just want to make it very clear right now. I graduated all my programs. Yeah. You know, top 10%. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. At a boy. Wrong with everybody. Don't they see that my family and everything. It's like these are the things you should have been doing a long time ago. Yeah. So I didn't see any man, but no, Carpondil Colorado nine months. Great program. Can't say enough about that. It was about having fun and recovery. Yeah. Like learning how to do that. So did that. And up burning it down up there. I was up there and the Rory Fork Valley for about four years. And then, uh, yeah, man. Got a phone call one day. After a weekend. Let's just say a weekend. Resort stay somewhere. And, uh, parent, my parents ended up giving me a hotel. All right. I was like, like right after I was like, oh, they're finally understanding, you know. So I go in. I go to the hotel and I get a phone call from my life coach. It's like, hey, you either go to this two year program out in Kaufman, Texas. Or you hit the road. And I was pissed. And I, you know, the immediate like, no, I'm not doing that. Hang up the phone. And then, um, about two hours later, accepted it. And left Colorado the next morning and went straight into treatment in Kaufman, Texas, a place called Burning Tree Ranch to your program. And, um, which I was, you know, dealing with your favorite substance at the time for, yeah, for a while. And that was a very dark place. I'm sure you can relate to some of the people you end up running around with. It's not, um, it's not a good scene. And there is some trauma based stuff that was dealt with with that. And like, it's a very, uh, get you before you get me kind of thing. Yeah. 100%. And so, um, didn't do a detox this time when straight into, you know, a high accountability place. Okay. And it's when you came off of that, did you? How was your, because everybody's different on their withdrawals that they have from that? Yeah. Like, mine was very depressing. I was like, not suicidal. But I could, I never understood suicide, people committing suicide. But the depression that I would go through coming off a meth for like the first two weeks, I remember I used to say, man, if people really deal with this on an everyday basis and they feel like this all the time, and they can't escape it, I still don't get it, but I get it. You know what I'm saying? Like, fucking, I can't do this anymore. I would go through really depressing. Like, I remember my first week in rehab. I went there 13 days sober, I think. So I was just now coming out of it. But the first day there, we watched fucking, um, Transformers. And you know, when, when Bumblebee gets beat up, I've seen Transformers a thousand times. I know he's not going to die. And I'm just, just fucking crying because Bumblebee just got his ass whipped and no one helped him. Look, I was crying right now. So, but that's the depression. I wouldn't, like, I could get a week sober. But man, once that depression start kicking in, I was like, I can't fucking handle that. I can only sleep for so long. I can only fucking, and then if, if I'm trying to sleep through it, then I'm trying to take Xanax to be able to go back to sleep. So then really, I'm substitute one thing for something I fucking hate, which is pills. And then, you know, people say, go take credit, I'm, we'll help. Well, Cratom did help. But then now I'm addicted to Cratom. I fucking don't want to get off of Cratom. So when you came off of that, what kind of withdrawal what was your withdrawal experience? So with that, um, I tried countless times to get off that. Yeah. Whether it was intentionally unintentionally honest and Colorado. The worst. I wouldn't say it's so physical, like opiates. It's more mental. Mental, right? 100%. Yeah. Yeah, I didn't have aches and pains. I had a little bit of that. Did you? I had no joints. Maybe I did a little bit on joints. You know what? I did because I went to the doctor because I was star. I was like, man, I'm fucking me. He's hurting, back's hurting, next hurting, I'm not bad, but a little bit. And I was thinking, I wonder if it had always been hurting, but I was using so much drugs that I didn't realize it. But mine was definitely mental, yeah. Fucking, I was a mental case for a minute. Psychosis, man. Yeah. And like before I even got to that point, it's just like you know that feeling when you want to go to sleep, but it's not allowing. It like stops like being pleasurable, man. Like to where it's the disease, like why am I doing this? Like it's not even... It's not even working any more. I'm only going to psychosis, but I still can't control not doing it. Yeah. Hoping that it'll be different. I would wake up in the middle of the night and go smoke a meth pipe to go back to bed. That like most people do meth to stay awake. I was doing it to be able to fall back asleep because it didn't work anymore, right? But I was so used to always hitting, always hitting a pipe. Always hitting something, always hitting something. So when I would wake up, I'd go... And then I'd go back to sleep. And literally that's... It just didn't even make any sense anymore. But my mind was so programmed to every time I take a break it work, I gotta go smoke. Every time I wake up, I've gotta do... I've gotta... I can't even go without it. Like you mentioned when you went to your family's house and you were trying to get back to San Antonio because you were running low, I didn't go to family's house because I wasn't gonna run out over there but I'm fucked. Now I gotta do a four hour trip back. So yeah, that mind was definitely... I would say 95% mental and the rest was a little physical. Yeah, yeah. But that one's a hard one to... I've never been addicted to other stuff. I know like when people come off opiates, I've seen people in rehab that... I felt terrible for them because they're fucking body-acad. I mean, they were like rolling toss and turning, crying, not being able to sleep. I was able to go to sleep, but my mental when I was awake was like just thinking about all the things that I did and all the bridges I burned. And now when I start getting sober, I wanna leave rehab to go fix those problems because now I'm a little bit more clear-headed. Yeah. But you can't, you gotta sit in it and just fucking just let it get you. Just let it get you and learn some shit from it. Yeah, the shame-based anxiety is real. Yeah. And then it also turns into what I call shabanger, shame anger. Oh, okay. Shabanger, I like that. Shame anger. Yeah. So when I got into burning tree, high accountability, not a lot of take-naps. You know, you're doing your moan lawn with the push lawn mower and it's on a cattle ranch. And man, like we'd have confrontations and it's progress space. So they don't let you know when you're going to be moving on to the next phase. Yeah. So when I went in there, I was in a psychosis that lasted for months. And I was dealing with, and it's funny that you bring up that sitting there watching a movie. I'm trying to remember what movie it was, but it's with Shilobuff, where he's a moonshiner. Yeah. Lawless. Lawless. So you know the scene when the guy comes to the bar and then tries to do something on the bartender, and then they ended up later on driving up and mining them. Yeah. Yeah. So dude, I was like, I can't take this. That's an intense movie, man. I can't take this. And there were some things that transpired in and called a rotto. For some reason, my car keys kept coming up missing. And I'd always have to track it down. And you know, with that substance, man, like it's always watching over your back. Yeah. So I actually was robbed at gunpoint in my house like they came in and did that. And I was so far gone in my disease that I was like pull the trigger. And they just, they didn't. But and then grabbed my car keys and ran out. But yeah, the trauma behind it and that shame-based anxiety and the thing is my character, DeFat, came out like while it was in treatment and it was anger or base. But here's the kicker. They gave me a teddy bear. All right. The therapeutic intervention. And I had to carry that teddy bear around everywhere. Oh, dude. And I couldn't go to cook crew, couldn't leave it unattended. Like I would have to find a babysitter. For your teddy bear. And I couldn't even name it. They they named it Bartholomew. All right. So what I what I learned, I had it for like three months and did I did it perfect, man, you know, I'm top 10%. Yeah. He reiterating that. Yeah. And they had me on my chore, man, like they had me ironing tablecloths. So tough guy doesn't do that, right? Right. Yeah. Tough guys don't carry teddy bears. Yeah, iron tablecloths. For sure. What I learned from that though, man, was I'm not angry. I'm actually sad. Yeah. And that I use that anger to mask what I'm really filling goes back to that fear base. Yep. And as a man, we're taught that we don't show that side, right? Sure. And so it's more empowering and more comfortable to sit and anger than that is to actually sit in something I'm not, you know, used to feeling. Yeah. And getting in tune with my emotions and learning that. So I was put on some medication that helped me throughout the process. And yeah, it was a burning tree ranch is a love, hate relationship. Yeah. We would have shut down to where like guys had to go change into dress, attire, shave everything, like shave your beard, tuck everything in. And then we had an arch. Like so chairs would be like that. And the hustle would always be to get the corner seat because they all had to be touching. So you can spread your legs more. But we would sit there for majority of the day. And therapists showing true love, the accountability would call people out to go up to the front and literally call you out on what you're doing. And they don't let you know how long that's going to go for that's every day. I think the longest one I was in was like eight days. That's great. Wow. So and then like no talking for the first 48 hours, even in the dorms, like a lot of reflection, ended up staying in there for impatient for about 14 months. And it taught me patience. Like it taught me like, you know, I've got to work for things. Like it taught me a lot of great lessons other than the side of the disease. And then went to the sober living, which was the last phase. And then that's how Dallas and Richardson. And yeah, graduated that program. But got a job was only able to make $15 or less. They don't let you make more than that when you're living there. They don't want you to get things back real fast. But I worked as a walking partner, which is essentially an assistant for PT0T at a hospital on Dallas. Did that two years, like during COVID. So I worked on all levels and trauma, all of it, like brain and herasums, people and comas. And like we would have to get people up and move them around over doses. Yeah. And like seeing that was eye opening, but it was a very giving job. Like it was very, like I enjoyed it. Rewarding. Yeah, very, very rewarding. And it was another set of tools to put into what I do career wise now fitness. And so that's still like seeing those people in that shape from drug overdoses who's still not enough to keep me from picking up again. Was it that that's not going to be me type shit? Yeah. Yeah, that would never be me. I worked with a, I remember when I re-took control of my life. I was working with the patient. And he had a bad case of COVID and after effects. And he didn't have long. But he told me you seemed like a pacifist. And if you would tell any by that new me in the past, they'd be like, do that. What? That is not Austin. Yeah. And then that pride. You know, like that's not acceptable. Like that people see me that way. But that's a psychic change. That's a change that I should look at that as a good thing. Yeah. Right. And so I got very upset about that and bitter. And then that's when I picked up, which started with the freedom, you know, it's holistic, man. Yeah, yeah. So holistic. And then, yeah. So after the race. So I want to ask you a question because it seemed like you went from one treatment that was fun-based into something that was far less like one right after the other. So I've heard tales of intense spots and I've heard tales like yours, the worst boys. Real chill. Real fun-based, you know, teach you how to operate and have fun without using style, like what you describe. Which one do you feel like is more beneficial or better or did you, or maybe even this, do you feel like you did it in the wrong order of each other? Or does that feel like there's like, there's kind of like, there's like levels? You know what I mean? I think that both are important, but in the pantheon of getting, which one would you say, because I think I know the answer to that you're pulling great stuff from both. Yeah, for sure. But do you think it should have been done in reverse? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So like, I've had this thought before. Yeah. Okay. And they were one entity, and then straight up, like, do the high accountability, then you graduate, go up to Colorado and have fun. Right. Yeah. But I mean, so the program I went to in Kaufman and then Jay Walker lodge up in Colorado. Like it was known that if you didn't make it there, you're going to Burning Tree. Okay. So yeah. I don't know. Like, yeah, no. I, yeah, I kind of feel like they would be reversed, but that wasn't my bad. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, just kind of look, just kind of hearing it. It feels like it should be the intense stuff first. You get those tools, then you go to the fun place in a perfect world. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. Yeah. For sure. Like I had it my way, but now, it's also knowing your audience. You know, like I had a buddy that literally could not talk when he got to Jay Walker, and he was 18 years old, and he literally told me one day he's going to be a lawyer. And I was like, all right. Like, and he was one of my closest friends. We didn't talk for 10 years, because I was still doing my thing. It ended up like on this last, this last time, like when I relapsed, got in touch with him. He reached out to me and literally told me he's living in Miami and he's a lawyer. I know. He's got 10 years overdue. Oh, man. Over 10 years. Good for him. Yeah. It's really like, do the thing, like, cannot pre-judge at all. People are at their own pace. And what works for me, why not work for the other O'Brien over there. Yeah. For sure. Right. Everybody's definitely different. I know that if I would have went to rehab earlier in my addiction, it, I would have been to multiple rehabs, because I just wasn't ready. You know, I was, when I went to the rehab that I went to, I was at a point where I was ready. I was, I was ready to change, do whatever I had to do and figure this thing out. But if you would have tried to send me to rehab on year three or year six, I would have been kicking and screaming. And I would have went with the intent that I'm not an addict. I don't have any fucking problem. And when I get out of here, the first thing I'm going to do is get high. I guarantee they, my company sent me to a outpatient rehab. And that's exactly what I did. I was a great student and in the rehab. And that lasted. I didn't even stay sober during the, during the month that I went to that. I found a way to, you know, to, to blow to his test. And then of course, I don't know how that shit got my system. I wasn't having been using that whole lie shit. And like really thinking they believe me, like they've heard this a thousand fucking times. But yeah, I think definitely depends on where you're at in your addiction. That's a huge thing. And then, you know, if you're at that point to where you've already hit your rock bottom, or if, you know, I have a friend that always says, you can't, you can't steal someone's rock bottom from them. You know, you can't take, you can't steal someone from their journey. You got to let them go on their journey. And even though you're trying to pull them back, like don't, don't, don't, you got to let them go. And maybe they, my spawns really says, maybe you haven't had your ass kicked enough. Yeah. And you need to go get your ass kicked some more. That's what my spawns are always says. Playing God a little bit. Yeah. Rob people have their experience. Yeah. Don't rob them from their experience or the journey. That's it. That's a life lesson for anything. Yeah. You know, like let them, let them do it on, you know. Yeah. And it sucks when you love the person too. Because it's like, fuck. You know, I went through it with, with my nephew. You know, I have, I feel like I have a blueprint. It might not work for everybody, but there's some do's and don'ts in there that there's definitely a lot of don'ts in there. And I feel like I'm trying to pass this on to you and you're not going about it. So then I'm trying to play God and be like, well, the fuck aren't you doing? You know, this and that where I just had to let him go and let him go experience, get his own experience and go his own journey. You know, and that's hard to do. And then you hit with the ego part too. Like why I'm not, why I'm not be able, like why can't I save them? Yeah. Yeah. What did I do wrong? Yeah. For sure. So what made it stick? Last time, this time, what, what ended up being the thing that, as you put it earlier, to truly surrender. And that's a real big touchy subject. OK. I have a lot of fear behind that. But, you know, a lot that transpired from my previous relationship. And then also I have a three year old boy, who's an amazing boy in the world. Yeah. Couldn't have asked for, you know, a better son. I wanted, was a healthy child. Yeah. Surpasses that. Yeah. So, you know, like, it got dark. Yeah. I'll put it that way real fast. And, you know, everybody that was in my life literally didn't rob me of my experience. Didn't not, didn't I run you? Yeah. They let you do it. And I was in victim mentality. And I had a lot to lose. And what I did, I had a done for some day years. What comes to, but I had like five things transpired in a matter of a month. And more than that. And um, my house ended up getting flooded. And then other things too. But what I look at now, like I'm truly grateful for it that no one came and saved me. Yeah. Because I had to do it on my own. I had a final place to go for detox treatment. And I did that all my own skin in the game. And I left everything on my belongings and took a loop around here to Austin and actually went to a renewal lodge out out here in Austin. So did that. And then that high accountability, I thought I was going into, but just things started aligning like a guy that actually I met through J Walker, John Bruno, who was mindfulness and recovery. He wrote a book on it. And it was part of the curriculum. And that first week, I was there. He was at a renewal lodge. Okay. And I was like, what is going on, dude? So I talked with him a little bit. And I found out some news about my life coach that I never got to make amends to that like called me. And I didn't thank him for any of that. Like he's no longer with us. Oh, man, sorry about that. But there was a lot of meditation, a lot of inner child stuff. There was still that accountability, but it wasn't so strict. And like I had already had that. And that empathy, compassion, like that's what I was needing. Like because I had just lost everything. Yeah. And so man, like I went in there full fledged and I just let it all out. And I care what other people thought. But like just straight up let it out, man. And then I ended up going to a super house and got a lot of great things out of it. And I got on with a great company too. But the big changes, yeah, meat makers make it till they don't. You got to actually like dive in and like get a service position and get involved in the community. Do things like this. Yeah. And it can't just be like, like when I get sober, like I try to do everything perfect. And then like that time comes and it's not perfect. I'm just like, fuck it. You know, like throw my hands up because I'm a perfectionist that never lived up to any perfection in my life. Right. That's a foot. I mean, I feel like that's a pretty common tale. Yeah. For a lot of people, you know, if you're, I guess it's a mindset shit or a mind, yeah, mindset shift where it's like, I'm pissed because I'm not perfect. But then there'll be something like you just went through, right? And now it's like, I can never, I can always strive to be it. But I'll probably never get there. And let go of that rain a little bit, right? Give yourself a little bit of a fucking break. I think that's, it sounds so simple, but it's not, it's not at all, man. Yeah, you involve that shame aspect of it too. That puts up a higher standard on yourself. Like I really got to get it right. And I use this analogy with a lot of people, all right. And it's goofy. Yeah. But you know Chinese handcuffs. Yeah. You know, you stick your finger in there. Yeah. Yeah. The harder you try to pull your fingers out, yeah, the harder it gets. But if you just relax and do the right thing and move towards the right direction, fingers come right out. And that's literally life right there. Yeah. I went to church this morning. They were talking about shame. The service today was really good. They was talking about like, when you see a dog take a shit, he's a shit. I wish he would. Yeah, I wish he would. But he's he's hilarious. They said, when you see a dog take a shit, the dog walks off a few feet and then he scoops his feet, try to cover it up. He said the shame that we have, like we're not dogs, we don't need to cover it up. Right. Like, like own it. Yeah. Yeah. And I feel like that's one thing that that. Not that you're supposed to do in sobriety, but I feel like for me, the biggest thing, like all the shit that I went through. I'm not shameful of it anymore. I'll happily talk about it because that's part of my recovery, right? And I want other people to hear like, I've taken a shit on the ground too. Yeah. And I try to cover it up too, but here I am being vulnerable. And I'll mention it and I'll talk about it that way someone else that's watching this can hear it and say, oh, stew took a shit on the ground too. And he tried to cover it up. So I think that that's how you, one way that I deal with my shame is there's a lot of shameful things that I did in my addiction. But I'm not ashamed about them even more because I know that I wouldn't do them now, right? Like, and there's, there's things that I put my daughter through that I would never do now, but I'll happily talk about it, not because I'm happy or proud of it, but it's so I can let that shame go. Yeah. And it's a little bit of exposure therapy right there. Yeah. And like, I am truly grateful for, and the normal person, like, I'm grateful for my struggles. Yeah. So I can't, I have a choice. I can sit and victim mode and woe as me. Or I can actually build from it. Like Tom Brady has an awesome, short online, the greatest ever. Well, I mean, I don't, I don't worship them. I don't like, I go off of like actions, you know, how he didn't get, you know, he was like, don't get me going on stats or, or, or, or 199 pick. Yeah. There we go. And he's one of the best quarterbacks ever player, right? The greatest, yes. Yeah. All right. So you admit it. I mean. All day, he'll say, so you see a lot of first picks get drafted and then they fall out, right? Right. Because that ego gets huge and they got it. Yeah. But with Tom Brady, he had something to prove. So with me, like, using all that stuff can benefit and like help somebody else. Yeah. And then just let if, if I can't talk about this stuff, that shame's going to be there no matter what. And then also people can't relate. 100%. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, chip on a shoulder is, is important. Having a chip on a shoulder, right? Where odds were inevitably stacked up against you. Because it was at some point, not for everyone, not for the guy who gets drafted first overall. He's probably been that dude since he was in middle school, right? Like you probably identified that guy at 10 years old. That was like holy shit. That's the future number one pick and five star guy at UT or, you know, wherever. But then there's a guy like that Brock Pertie, another great example. Was one pick away from not being drafted at f***ing all. And, you know, told that you weren't good at it. You're not big enough. You're not strong enough. You're not fast enough. You're not any of those things, which they needed that to f***ing fuel them to become as good or as great as they have become. Yeah. And when an addict accepts and, and let's go and they decide to attack this sober thing, you had the biggest f***ing chip on your shoulder for 10 years. How many ever years, all these years, that chip has just been there. Yeah. And you're giving up on you, people telling it, just thinking that you can't do it. And then you do. And it has nothing to do with any of that shit anymore. Yeah. Now it has everything to do with showing how bad ass you are going to be moving forward. Yeah. We had, when Autumn came on a few episodes ago, she talked about like, comparing yourself to other people. That's one of my biggest flaws. Because for those 10 years, I didn't go up in life. I felt like I went down, way down. And I compare myself to other people that are my same age are that may have had the same opportunities that I had, but they went left and I went right. And now there's so much further in life than where I want to be. Where I am and I want to be there. And she said that it's important for addicts not to compare yourself to other people because you're a success by overcoming addiction period. Doesn't matter if you have all the money and all this or all this, you've literally overcame something that most people die from. And if that person would have went your route, they wouldn't be where they are anyways. So be, be proud of the success that you are just an overcoming addiction period. And that, that's something I learned from somebody that came on this podcast because that was something I used to beat myself up over. As man, I should be there and I'm not there because I made a bunch of bad decisions. And I didn't realize that overcoming an addiction, my addiction was a success on itself. Like there's nothing that probably will be put in front of me ever again. Aside from like losing someone or losing my daughter, that I can't overcome because I overcame the hardest obstacle that I've ever had. So that's something I took from her. Yeah. So that thoughts of that as an old man. So what is success? You know, if you if you talk to the majority of people who are addicts and alcoholics, or just spiritual people, like success is rated by material things. Sure. You know, but are you truly happy when you get those material things? Because they can be gone like that. And like, you know, if somebody, you have that person that gets everything, you know, they get everything they want, like in high school, then they get to the college that they want and they marry the woman they've always wanted to have the white picket fence, the career, everything. And then one day something goes south. Those enabling things made them from having to take a look inside and do some internal work, some inner work. So they don't know how to handle that. Yeah. At all. When we get sober, then we actually is very freeing when you can actually genuinely sit there and say, yeah, I'm an alcoholic. I've exhausted all my options, whether that's like different substances, any cure for this issue. And gratefully, I made it to this point alive. And they always say when you know, you know, yeah, that's what's different here. Yeah. And like it's very freeing, but we are some of the best people. Like I was reading it to my girlfriend earlier, what four step inventory is. And I have like these sheets. And I was just sitting there, I was like, dude, everybody could benefit from this. I say it all. Yeah. Like everybody, if you actually, if you actually want to do better in your career, you do more self improvement. Yeah. If you sit there and grip down and try to like control that work and stuff, you're trying to direct it. And you can't like, yeah. So it's all a matter of like, what's your viewpoint on success? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And nine times out of 10, it really has nothing to do with the material. I mean, just doesn't. I mean, I got to ask this question one time. Some people sit there and they'll ask me a question. What do you think is the difference between a guy that's got it all together? Like how spigot fans like you just described or dude, that's under a bridge holding a sign. And I say, I don't think it's a lot at all. I think that is frail. I don't think that that guy under the bridge is that far away from that. And I don't think that guy over there is that far away from that. So it took us doing this. For me to kind of start thinking about that in a much more grand scale. What do I have around me that makes me happy? That's a thing. Or that, what is it? And it's not, I mean, very little of it is tied up into my Nintendo switch that I just bought. Or you know what I'm saying? Like that, all that's doing is giving me a little dopamine hit at night. But I'm going to put that shit down. And then I got to wake up in the morning and I have to, I got a 16 year old son, 23 year old daughter. Friends around me, girlfriend, stepkids, like those are, that's the happiness bubble. The rest of it just can't identify with making that shit. Yeah. Part of your every day going. So tell me how father changed you. Being becoming a father. Okay. Tell me how that at. So I have always been a very self centered person without even like realizing it. So when my son came out, man, like, and like you hold him for the first time, it is like an experience that you cannot share with him by like people would tell me this and I'd be like, oh, yeah, okay, whatever. Cool. Yeah. But no, it's like, man, it's, it's crazy. And you just stop thinking about yourself. So as, and it's weird. Yeah. That's a weird visceral feeling. It's so weird like to have that taken away from you. It's that you get heavier and lighter at the same time. You just described it kind of perfectly to me. It's like, there's no fucking words for that, man. There's zero words that you can tell someone how to prepare for a child to come into your life. There's no words for it. Yeah, man. And like, like, you're, like my go to is pretty much fear of living when I'm in my addiction. And then when I'm, I'm so versed, fear dying and like with my son, like it's, it's not about me, man. Like that's rampage jacks and like has a short worth like him and his son are, are a fighting. Mm hmm. Literally one of the comments says rampage basically created his best friend. Yeah. Like molded them into it. It's like the bond me and my son have. Yeah. And it's been like really hard not having no man. And a lot of things like I push down but subconsciously it's back there. You know, so yeah, now it changes to you for sure. Anybody if you, but if you have a big heart to. Yeah. Something I'll share with you is you just mentioned not having is when I went to rehab, I couldn't see my daughter for that month. And then when I got out the deal that I made with her mother was I wouldn't keep my daughter overnight. I would keep her on the days that I have her instead of having her overnight. I could keep her for two hours until I was able to pass a hair follicle test, which normally takes 90 days. Right. So I was, I went into that thinking while I'm already like 45 days sober, that's not going to be so bad. So the first hair follicle test that I took, I had no doubt that I was going to pass it. It was not, it wasn't even a thought. And it came back I failed. So it was like at 96 days, something like that. So she gave me a pass on that one. She said, well, look, take another one in a month. Maybe it just took longer. But I took another one a month later, like 120 something days. And I not only failed for meth, I failed for infetamine and cocaine. So the second test came back worse than the first one and the meth that came back was higher than the first test, which made no sense. The lady tried to tell me like, well, some hair strands hold different than others. But I don't want to remember the last time I took infetamine or cocaine unless it was makes, but why didn't it come out in the first one? And I remember I was telling him, I was like, man, this makes me just want to say, fuck it. Right? I'm doing everything right. And I'm at the point where I'm not doing shit wrong, but it looks like I am, especially from the outside looking at all the damage that I caused to her. She's probably thinking this motherfucker is still using for sure. So he helped me with that by saying, look, that's kind of the damage that you cause and you got to sit in it, right? Just keep doing the right thing and all the things will come true. And then I took one on month five. Still fucking failed it again. And the deal I made with her was instead of taking my daughter from me, let me do a piss test every week just so you know that I'm not doing shit. So I was doing a P test every single week and doing a hair follicle on the fifth month. And then my daughter, I talked to my daughter right before six months. She had told me, she said, dad, I had a dream that July 1st, right? July 1st, which would be six months exactly from when I got sober. July 1st, I was going to be able to stay with you. We were going to stay overnight. And I was like, Quikailin, it's a great dream, baby, but you know, if it doesn't, don't be disappointed if it doesn't happen, right? And I took my last drug test like July, June 26th, 27th. Normally takes like a week or two for it to come back. And I went to a different place to take it because I felt like the other place was all tainted because I don't know how they were coming back bad. And I asked the lady, if y'all could speed it up, I'd really be grateful. She said, well, there's no promises, but we'll try. And I got that test back July 1st and it was fucking all past. And I got to get my daughter's mom called me and she's like, hey, you're testing back. It's all clean. Do you want Quikailin tonight? And I said, fuck yeah, dude. So I went through all that and it was so hard to just stay, keep the course, keep the course, keep the course. And I'm not saying that's not what you're doing, but just know it at the end, everything that we're supposed to have, God's going to get back to us. And that was the best, but probably one of the greatest days of my life being able to get my daughter again. And it made it all so worth it. Like I wouldn't change any of it. And I wouldn't change those failed tests either because I grew and I learned something from each one of them. And that was one of the things that helped us podcast to get together because I was like, well, we can probably do something now. Yeah, we got to pour our energy into something different. That's kind of, when he was on meth, that's when I met him. And he was like, dude, me and you got to do podcasts. We're hilarious. We're funny. I agree with you. I love you to death, but we're not doing a project with you, need deep in a meth addiction. I would say that very silently, right? I'm just like, I'm not going to attack a project with you doing the Dick and fart jokes. Yeah, just like talking about God knows what, like we got to have some subs in the wrong intentions. Yeah, what we're talking about. So he got sober. I had the immediate thought and he so did he. He was like, I want to do a podcast about recovery. Now this is like a week out of there, like where he had the idea. I had the same quiet idea. He got it, yeah, I was like, I'm fucking right. Yeah, and I was like, so I was like, okay. Well, I mean, I just kept kind of putting it off. And really I wanted to see him go through something hard in sobriety. That was my benchmark for kind of like this and going like, okay, dude, let's go do it. And it was that day where I actually witnessed him go through that hard-ass thing. And then it was like the wall start getting built. And so I have no doubt, man, that you and your son will be around each other often soon. And just keep putting one foot in front of the other brother. Yeah. And it's all come together. You've overcome a lot. This too shall pass. And it's a what I told him and I'll tell you the same thing, but think about it as a toll. It's the toll that you have to pay. And it sucks to pay a toll. But it's one that was caused by the series of events that have led you to the point where you are. Right. And right, wrong or indifferent. You're here. And just got to pay the toll. So it sounds like you've you hit the other end of this thing. You got a pretty intense story, man. I mean, almost as intense as your rehab stance where the actual drugs themselves, it sounds like, you know, so I'll tell you this, man, you're always welcome here. You can come here anytime. Door is always open to you. If you need us for absolutely anything, we're here. And couldn't thank you enough for coming on and sharing what you've shared today. Appreciate you guys having me on for sure. Yeah, dude, for sure. Did you keep the teddy bear? I have to ask that. No, man, actually like burned it. No, funny thing is in a way that the guy that mean him, like, you know, you have that rival, yeah, well, he ended up getting it out for me. Oh, okay. They passed it on. It was a hand me down. Yeah, so I mean, yeah, that's good. But I still, I took care of that to you. The best till this day that I know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, look, brother, you got a teddy bear right now in the form of a three year old boy. Yeah. Yeah. Go get it. You know, right all, man. Yeah. So, I think we got another one in the books here. How do people find you? Yeah, dude. Social media. Social media. Yeah, Instagram, aob, fitness coaching at gmail.com. Okay. And so fitness coaching, let's talk about that, dude. That's important. I want people to reach out to you if we can. We'll put your stuff up there. And they, I mean, can they just direct message you or do they go to a spot or DM me? I'm always open to helping people with it. And then, you know, like anybody doing with, you know, loved one or themselves with addiction alcoholism, whatever that might look like. I can't help all direct in the right direction. You know, for sure. Well, it sounds like you can talk about that while working out. Yep. That could be a toofer. Yeah. You never know. A little therapy session. Yeah, a little crazy therapy session. Essentially, that already happens. Yeah. Yeah. You're listening here when you're a trainer. Yeah. You know, you hear, you hear everything. Yeah. So it is a form of therapy. For sure. You go to the gym, start lifting weights, and then after a while, the weight start lifting you. Yeah. There you go. That's one of the biggest things when I got sober. I was like, all right. Once I found myself again, like I don't even know what I like to do anymore, you know, like I had always played sports, but I hadn't played sports in 10 years. I'd always went to the gym and I hadn't worked out. So I had to start figuring out myself again. And the gym is one of the best vices in my opinion that anybody can put in life in general. But especially if you went through addiction and your in recovery, like on my worst days, I tell destiny, like I'm going to the gym. I'm going to go to the gym. This would be the second time today, but I need to go and get some shit out of my mind and off my chest. So one of the best therapies that I have for myself. Yeah. It's man and then like pickleball too. Yeah. Like that's one thing I've had to tone down, man. Like when you came and played, I was like, shit, this guy is fucking good. Yeah. Tell me that dude. Don't tell me that. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, you suck at pickleball. There we go. Yeah. He was, he played against me what two weeks ago. Yeah, about two, three weeks ago. We went to Harron. We went to a meeting and then afterwards we did pickleball. Yeah. About 20, 30 people show up and he was on, he was playing against me. I was like, fuck, he's good. I was trying to hit it to your partner. I wasn't trying to hit it to you. It's always a thing. Your partner was decent too though. Rightly, rightly good. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, it was fun, man. Like that, that is the stuff. It's not the meeting. It's the meeting. It's the meeting before and after the fellowship. 100%. Because if it's not fun, man, we're not want to do it. Yeah. I think that's where a lot of people mess up too is they skipped that fellowship part. I know the first time I got sober, I was like, I'm going to go to all these meetings. I'm going to, I'm going to fucking give some amazing shares in these meetings. But then I was leaving though. I didn't, I didn't introduce myself or find out one person's name in 60 days. Not one time. I didn't get one phone number. I didn't do anything. And on my 60th day, I was relapsed and then that relapsed cost me four more years. And I'm a huge believer that the fellowship is you have to go in and introduce yourself because I'm very judgmental too, especially when I see a guy that's in good shape. My first instinct is I will beat the shit out of that guy. I don't care. I don't care if he's in better shape than me. So one of my buddies told me he said, when you go into meetings and you start being judgmental, go introduce yourself to those people and you'll find that you are a piece of shit. They're not. And it never fails. I go introduce myself and it's like the fucking nicest person I've talked to all day. And I go back to my chair like, damn, I'm a piece of shit. So that's very humbling for me. So I always say go to meetings, introduce yourself, get phone numbers, give people your phone number. You just never fucking know. And that's one thing that I will stop everything that I'm doing. If somebody calls on my phone and it has AA or HA or anything behind their first name, I destiny knows I've got to take this call. Man or woman doesn't matter. I'm taking this phone call. If I'm busy with my daughter, I will answer and say, hey, is everything okay? Are you in a good place? I'm with my daughter and I'll call you back in 10 minutes. Are if I need to drop what I'm doing for that, if it's an emergency that I can do that to you? I think that's huge, that little circle that you put around you. And then the fellowships just fun. It just shows you that we can go have fun playing pickleball and we don't have to be high to do it. Right. We don't have to be drunk or high to go do it. Some of the funnest shit that I played volleyball last night for three hours, I didn't drink anything. That was fun. That was funnest shit, you know? It's just those things that you got to figure out. You got to fill those voids with something that's going to fulfill you. Ooh, that sounded good. Yeah, smooth man. Yeah, I know. One thing I'll say, the funny thing, you know, you got the old timers in the room. You know, and you got people that are judging other people, and then you're judging them for judging other people. Oh, for sure. Figure that out. 100%, oh yeah. Yeah. But no, you touched the, yeah, that was good man, talking about, yeah, I'm that asshole that's not going up to you. Yeah, yeah, all right, I'll work on that man. Yeah, there you go. A good deal, we're going to have you sign our wall. Yeah, I'm going to start some pictures. We'll get this one in the books, man, but we were honored to have you on, and we'd love to see you come back anytime, anytime you want. Cool, all right? Awesome. I appreciate it, guys. Yes, sir. Thank you, brother. Yep. We're out. Peace out. Love you, Seth and Joe.