The First Shift

Oh shit, what do we do? You need to arm yourself. I've already got two arms. No, I mean a weapon, idiot. Oh, right, right. Oh my gosh. Fuck. Oh, there's a broom. Okay. A broom? Oh shit, it's getting closer. Quiet. I'm quiet. Oh my god. Oh my god. Stay down. Honey, get back. Stay down. I'm back. Let this idiot take it. All right. Hey. Oh god. Shit. It's evil. I can sense it. I'm freaking out. Shh, be quiet. It's almost here. Oh, shit. All right. Get ready, guys. Which one of you has the nervous tooth? Sorry. Smells like cheese. Whack it! Whack it! Whack it off! Whack it off! Don't stop. He's whacking it off. Whack him off. Wait, wait, wait. Give me the broom. Oh, honey. Oh, fuck. What the fuck are you? Wait, wait, wait, wait. Ralph? Stop. What? Stop. Fuck me on a tooth. I know him. No, Cap! Who am I having? Oh, this is not Rock Hard Dick. Oh, shit. Ralph, would you get up and stop playing around? Oh, go and fu- Breaking news out of Derland County today, as two local men were supposed to be starting a brand new chapter of their life, and, uh... Hello? Hello, is someone there? Hello. Oh, what the hell is going on? Something's going on the night I don't know if I'm gonna be alright Something's going on the night I don't know if I'm gonna be alright Will you still be up on the way you do tonight? I'm gonna lay Something's gotta give I don't know if I'm gonna make it out I just wanna make it out any NFL quarterback? No, no, no, no, no, no relation. Sorry, look, I just, I was putting two and two together, came up with 19. Well, okay, I understand. What is going on? Well, what's going on is that we are no relation to anyone who may have any unsavory allegations against them, okay? That's very important. No, I mean what's going on right now. Right, so we received a call from this numbnuts. Hey, okay, Bussin. And he said that your house was possibly infested with some kind of a demonic presence. Okay, FR, FR. Me and my wife, Lorene here. Hi, baby. Hi, baby. We are experts in the field. So you're going to get rid of the presents? No, actually, we were just about to leave. Well, we hadn't landed on that yet. Yes, we have. S-Y-F-M, dude. What's that mean? Shut your fucking mouth. It means shut your fucking mouth. Ralph, stop. What, dude? These people are here trying to help us. Well, then we were leaving. Yeah, they just said they're having. We haven't agreed on that yet, okay? Well, I don't know about that. Look, there's something we thought you were some evil spirit. What the hell, dude? Lorene here is a medium. Really? She looks more like an XL. Excuse me? That's what I say. Whoa, you guys are assholes. Hey. She can talk to spirits and enter like a different ethereal plane or something. Oh, that's dope. I don't know. And she said that there is a presence here. Really? There is a presence, but too bad. We're getting the fuck out of here. Well, hold on. We're getting the fuck up out of this bitch, okay? Look. Oh, my God. Look, I thought you wanted $50. Oh, shit. I forgot about that. You're giving me $50? Yeah. Look. Damn it. That's almost $400. We didn't bring all of our tools. We didn't bring the necessary tools to help you. We didn't think it was going to be this bad. Well, can't you just go home and get them? No. Yeah. Well, here's the problem. We don't want to leave. We just want to stay inside. Exactly. Yeah. Be comfortable. I suppose we could just go to them off of, like, Amazon or Instacart or something. Well, you're going to have to pay 30% or more in fees. Yeah, I get that, but I don't really care. No one cares, dude. What do we need? A lot of stuff. Well, we're going to need cameras. We're going to need, you know, all kinds of equipment. Well, I have a cam... What? What was that? It was what? Hey, honey. Yep. Ralph? Ralph? You wouldn't happen to be across the basement right now crawling on the floor. Oh, shit! Oh, no, no, no! Ah! Oh, fuck this! Oh, shit! So as the four of us were standing in the basement arguing on whether Ned and Lorene were going to leave or not, and what supplies we'd need, from the corner of the room in the basement, pitch black corner, this little ghost woman or something, I don't know started crawling out from the void she was strange looking it's like half her face was ripped off but it wasn't a skull it was like it was metal or something and her eyes were glowing a bright red a bright crimson red staring at us, but not staring at us at all. It's like she was staring through us. We all ran upstairs and slammed the basement door and started coming up with a plan. Oh, my God. Okay, okay, okay. That was, that was, um, that was something. Yes, it was. I ain't never seen nothing like that before. Holy cow. Like what? I don't know. Did you see those eyes? Yeah, I saw them. They were glowing. Oh, my God. Okay, well. Shit. Fuck. Damn. I won't be $50. $50. We're not going to be able to do anything tonight if we don't have our supplies. We've got to order them from an online service and have them delivered. Because we don't want to leave. This is an emergency. I understand that, but it's more of an emergency that we don't leave the house. Really? Why? Because I don't want to. So what I'm going to suggest is we sleep in shifts. In shifts? Yeah, so Brandon, why don't you stay up with me? Ralph, Lorene, you guys go get some sleep, okay? Are you suggesting I sleep with your wife? No, because I will. You were the worst, dude. No way in hell. One gets the couch, one gets the lazy boy or something. We don't have a lazy boy. Who the hell doesn't have a lazy boy? Us? Yeah, we don't. We got one of them lift chairs. Oh. That's so nice. You don't even have to get up. I wanted one of those. Raises you until you're standing already. Yeah. Anyway. Okay. You guys go to get some rest, and we're going to keep watch, okay? All right. Come on, baby doll. Let's go get some Zs. Don't call me baby doll, you fat old prick. So I'm not sure if I liked the idea of staying up to stand guard. But we did need sleep and this was the best way to get it We were going to do three shifts So Ned and I stayed up to take the first shift while Ralph and Lorene went to bed I really hope nothing else happens. While Ralph and Lorene went to the front room to fall asleep, Ned and I walked around the house setting up what he called traps. They weren't really traps, though. I mean, they were just like little wires and doorways connected to cameras and bells so that if anything moved or there was someone in the house, we'd hear them. I don't like where this is going. But once we were done doing that, we returned to the kitchen where I poured a couple glasses of whiskey and we sat down and began talking. All right, long night ahead of us, huh? You said it. You said it. You want a glass of whiskey or something? Absolutely. I'm going to go sit down. Yeah, sure. Just have a seat over there. I intend to. Thank you. You want ice? Uh, sure. Just one cube. You got it. All right. Now, now. What? Now the freezer's full of kid cuisine. I gotta lift them. Oh, you got a hamburger pizza? Yeah. Got it. You should crack a few of them open. Okay. So, so you said that... Huh? What's the point of the bells? Basically, if there's movement in the house or anything moves past it, it's going to trip that wire and the bells will sound or we're going to get pictures as evidence. Evidence? If we get enough evidence, we can send it off and possibly get an exorcism in here. You don't do those yourself? No, I'm not qualified to do it. I've sat in on several, but... Okay. So what should I expect? What you should expect or what you should hope for is that it doesn't come to that. Yeah. If it does, there's no real outline or anything I can tell you to explain what to expect, you know? Yeah. It's crazy shit. Here you go. Basically. Thank you. Yep. Man. Woo! That burns the nostrils going down. Singes my butt hair. Yeah. All right, so, I mean, have you ever seen anything like this before? No. I mean, what do you think any of this is? What I can tell you is this is not... Not what? This is not typical of a demonic infestation that I've experienced before. Not saying that it is or isn't that, but... Yeah, I understand. I can't put anything to this because I simply don't know. We're just going to have to wait for more evidence and all that kind of stuff. I completely get it. Do you? Let's try not to think about it or talk about it anymore. How did you and Lorene meet? You seemed like kind of a lifetime high school sweethearts. No, no, no, no. No? No, no, no. See, we actually met January 6, 2021. Oh, God. Oh, God. I know what you're thinking. No, we didn't meet there. It just happens to be a coincidence. Okay. I didn't want to hear about it. No, see, I was a bad boy coming up, and she was just a really good Christian girl with a lot of morals and values. Okay. Actually, she's my second wife. We met at a key party. A what? Key party. A key party? Yes, a key party. I don't know my time, so I can say that. I get that, but I don't know what it is. It's when you go to a party with a whole bunch of married couples. Okay. And you put all your keys in, like, a bowl. Okay. And then you kind of draw from it, and whoever's key you draw out of there, that's whose wife you go home with. Oh, my God. Really? Yeah, so I got, I picked Lorene's key out of there. Oh, I don't care anymore. And we went home, and she went down on me. And let me tell you about this. I don't care anymore. What the hell? The hell? Uh-oh, something's here. Uh-oh, don't move. Stand still. I'm not moving. Sounds angry. Sounds like Ralph. Oh, my God, it is. What the hell's he doing? I think he's sleepwalking. I don't know. What? He's talking about kid cuisine. Does he do this all the time? He's done it once, at least. Where's he going? Probably to the wall. Or a closet door. Why is he banging his head against the wall? I don't know. This isn't the first time here. Let's jolt him awake. Come on. Oh, my God. Come on. Let's jolt him awake together. No, no, no, no. Don't do that. It's very bad to jolt him awake. Dr. Pork said it was good. Put your hand in front of his head. Fine. And slowly guide him back to the bed. I don't know. All right. Don't interrupt his sleep. It's dangerous. Okay. Very, very dangerous. Ralph, stop. Okay, gotcha. There you go. All right, now slowly turn around. Come on. Get away from the wall. Let's go back to bed. There you go. There you go. Okay. Kid cuisine collector's item. Yum. Yep. Yep. Kid cuisines are collector's items, buddy. All right. Let's go back to bed. Oh, my God. Sprinkles on the brownie. Baby, life messes yourself. Right in your drawers, dude. Violet's still outside. Stop crying and come in and make some dick right in the drawers. Back in the bed, bud. Bed. Yum. Come on, get in there. There you go. The night just keeps getting more and more strange. Ralph is sleepwalking again. Ned Watson just wants a hamburger pizza kid cuisine. You think they will be collector's items? Should I not let them have it? Should I frame it? Something to think about later on For now Let's get back to our first watch Oh don't Don't do that Oh my god Don't do that to me Yeah Man it's getting It's getting late I don't know how much longer I can stay up I know We don't have much longer to go here I know But still We'll wake them up here In about a half hour And you know We'll get our sleep then Yeah So you do a Huh Podcaster Oh yeah It's like solving crimes And mysteries Whoa whoa whoa I never said I was interested In what it was about Oh Curious Okay That you did one at all I don't mean Why is it weird that I do one or Well no it's just that You know literally Everybody does one of those now Well Like it's so easy Just to put it out there Yeah it's not easy You know I mean A lot of work goes into it I'm solving mysteries Around town and stuff Okay yeah I mean you know I get it I get it You know Lorene listens to some podcasts. She listens to That American Stuff with Ira's ass or whatever. Wait, what? Look, I'm going to go hit the head and when I come back, we'll think about waking them up, okay? Okay. Okay. All right. Actually, which way is the bathroom? Down the hall to the left. Okay. Thank you. Got it. Yeah. Got it. Okay. Okay, got it. Where the hell's the bathroom? I just told you. What a weirdo. Oh, boy. Oh, shit. What the hell is this? Hello? Hey, Brandon, it's Ned. Ned Watson. What, are you having problems in there or something? What? In the bathroom. Look, I don't know what the heck you're on about, but... What? I'm sorry to say me and Lorene, we're not going to be able to make it tonight. Wait, what? Yeah, all power's out at our house, the car won't start, all the electrical work's just fried. Yeah, but... It almost like as if something didn want us to leave You know But look yeah I mean we can come by first thing in the morning if you like Wait What What? I'm confused. We can't make it. Our car won't start. The power's out at our house. Wait. We can't leave. Yeah, but you guys are here right now. No, last time I checked, I'm pretty sure I'm not. I'm pretty sure you are. Look, man, are you doing spank or something? I wish. It's okay if you are. I'm not a narc. I'm not. That was a good piss. Who you got on the phone? Hey, who's on the phone? Um, it's, it's, um. Who? It's, uh. Tell him it's your mother. It's my mother. Oh, your mother, huh? What'd she want? Oh, she, um. You got a thing going on. Huh? She what? Say these words. Can you say this exact word? Okay. Say yes. Yes. Yes, Mother. Say, yes, Mother, I will be over to powder your asshole in the morning. Yes, Mother, I'll be over to powder your asshole in the morning. What? Did he buy it? What's going on? Not really. What the hell? Mom, you know? No, I don't know. I don't have a mother. Never did. Yeah, Mom. What? Yeah, Mom. Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you? I'm not saying that shit. Is everything okay? Yes, Mom. I know. I'm so confused. So that he believes that you're talking to his mother. You've got to buy yourself some time so that I can get over there. Uh-huh. This seems worse than I thought. Yeah, yeah. No, Mom, I can't really figure out how to work your TiVo from here. What the hell's going on? Hold on. No, don't. Mom, you know. No, I don't know. Hold it together, don't man. Okay, okay. Look, I'm just going to leave you to it, okay? I'm going to step in the other room. I'm going to wake him up, okay? Okay, sure. Yeah, just get out of here. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Talk to me. Oh, my God. I'm tired. I'm trying. Is everything okay? Are you guys... Oh, my God. I don't fucking know. What do I do? Oh, boy. Fuck. I gotta find my snowshoes. I gotta get over there. Oh, my God. What do I do in the meantime? Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Okay, if they're already hanging on forms and mimicking people, it's further than I thought. Okay, this is bad. Yeah. You think? Shit. Do you have any crucifixes? Crucif... No, I don't. All right. Do you have a copy of the Bible? No, I don't have the Bible. Who doesn't have a copy of the Bible in their house? I don't know. I never thought I'd need one. Oh my gosh. Oh my fuck. Oh my fuck. Oh my fuck. Alright, calm down. Calm down. Just get out your St. John's wort. What? And we're gonna place it over a door or a window. Oh yeah, let me just tap into my supply of St. John's wort. I don't keep that on hand. Fine. Do you have a Hansa? A Hansa? Or the Eye of Horus? No. I don't have a Bible. Why would I have a Hansa or the Eye of Horus? Alright, here we go. Go to the fucking cabinet. Okay. Get a fucking thing of table salt and create a salt line. A salt line? A salt line that creates a physical barrier that they cannot cross. Okay? And I'll come over and bless some water. You'll have some holy water. It's gonna work out, okay? Oh, all right, fine, all right. Get here as quick as you can. Bye. So while doing some kind of a night watch with Ned Watson, I received a phone call from Ned Watson claiming that he couldn't make it over because the electrics in his car and his house were on the fritz and he couldn't leave. So if Ned and Lorene Watson aren't in my house, then who is? I sat in the kitchen thinking and processing this whole thing, trying to collect myself, trying to figure out a plan. Oh, jeez. Oh, jeez. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. The fuck? If he just called, he's here. What the fuck? What the fuck is going on? Dude, that sleep was whack as fuck, dude. Oh, my God. Thank God, Ralph. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What? So, so, Ned and Lorene are not... Did you just say whack as fuck? Yeah, it did, because it was. Nobody, look. What? We got bigger problems right now, okay? Okay. Ned and Lorene are not Ned and Lorene. They're, what? I mean, they're not them. Is this going to be one of those things where it's like his last name and like you keep saying it? No, this is not a who's on first situation. Okay. I was in here with Ned. Okay. He got up and went to the bathroom. My phone rings and it was Ned. What, he had problems on the john? That's what I thought, but no. He said, sorry, he couldn't make it. His car was broken down. Whoa, wait. I don't fucking know. What the fuck are you trying to say? I don't know. I say we go confront them. About what? How are you not getting... You're not making sense, dude. I was here with Ned Watson. Yes. He went to the bathroom. Yes. Okay? While he's in the bathroom, my phone rings. It's Ned Watson. Okay. And he's like, hey, sorry, I can't come over. My car won't start. The power's out. Blah, blah, blah. All right, makes total sense. Well, I'm on the phone with Ned Watson, who should walk back into the kitchen from the bathroom, but Ned Watson. Yes, got it. So there's two of them. Yeah. Right? Yes. So the one on the phone tells me that he's not coming over. Okay. Sorry. And then the one in here is asking me who it is. Like, I'm pretending it's my mom. Okay. It's crazy shit. So there's two of them, yep. He thinks that the demons are in the house and they're mimicking people. Dude, none of that made any sense to me. I'm more lost now. Yeah. All right, let me explain this to you like you're five. Please, dude. The two people in the house with us right now, Ned and Lorene Watson. Yes, I follow you, yep. Are demons pretending to be Ned and Lorene Watson. Okay, like a mimic. Now, does that make sense? No, dude, you're going to need to explain it like I'm three. Oh, my God. What? Fine. Ned and Lorene are meanies. Oh, my God, are you saying that the Ned and Lorene Watson that are in the house right now are demons mimicking Ned and Lorene Watson so that they can get into the house and trick us? Oh shit, dude What? You okay? I just I don't You don't what? You sometimes Spit it out, dude Alright, fuck it What? Let's go confront them Oh, I don't know about that Oh, you're just gonna go Get up I don't like this Neither do I Ned Hey, Ned Why isn't he responding, dude? That's weird. Yeah. Ned? Lorene? Dude, quit creaking the floor. You guys in here? Hello? Cut it out. I'm trying. The floors are squeaky, dude. Shut up. I'm gonna give our position away. Ned? Lorene? Lorene? Oh, shit, man. I don't like this. Yeah, me neither, dude. Go check that room over there Roger that dude Ned Lorene, you in here? You guys sleeping? Ned, you in the toilet? Fuck. He's not in the john, dude. What? Why would you look in the john? Hello? Oh, boy. Where the fuck did that go? Ned? Lorene? Shit, dude, I got the nervous tits. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. Starting to hurt. What are you doing in there? I'm blowing it up, dude. Fucking hurting. Oh, shit. Oh, shit, dude. Fuck. Oh, hell. Ralph, did your power go out? Yeah, dude, I can't see shit. Me neither. Where are you? I'm right here. Where are you? I'm under there. What? I said I'm under there, dude. Underwear? Ha, you said underwear, dumbass. Oh, go fuck yourself. There you are. Hey, dude. Oh, shit. What do we do? Let's try to make it back to the kitchen. Come on. All right, dude. Come on. Right this way, I think. I'm right behind you. Ow! Fuck, dude. Dude, watch where you're going. Ow! Fuck, stop. Shh. How many chairs? Why do we have chairs in this house? Why do we have chairs? I'm tired of chairs, dude. Why do we? Did you? Why do we? Because to sit down, that's why we have chairs. Well, let's get less chairs, dude. What? Ow. All right. Come on. Right this way. I think maybe we can find a windy or something. We can open it and let the natural light in. Maybe see a little bit. Okay, all right. All right. Whoa, hold up, dude. What? Hold up. What? You hear that? Hear what? No, I didn't hear anything. There's something in the basement. Like what? Let's go see what it is. I'd rather not. So Ralph claims that he heard something coming from the basement. Here we go again with this fucking basement, man. I wasn't going down this time, but I decided to entertain him. So we walked over to the door leading to the basement steps. We slowly opened it and stared into the void and began calling out. Hello? Hey! Ned? Lorene, is that you down there? Anyone there? Juniper? Juniper? Hello? Hey, yo! What the hell are you, Omar? What, dude? Knock it off. Well, I'm not doing nothing. Dude, I think you're going to Lulu, man, because there's nothing down there. I'm not going to Lulu, dumbass. I heard something. Maybe you're fucking... What? Eating too much Baby Alive food or something. I'm not going to eat it, dude. It's a fucking collector's item. It's not a collector's item. It is a collector's item, dude. It's a collector's item along with all my Beanie Babies. What beanies do you have that are so valuable? Which ones don't I have? I have seaweed. I have honks. I have rainbow. I have Peace the Bear. That's one of the best ones you can have, dude. Yeah, I know. I got the Princess Diana bear. You know how much the Princess Diana bear's going for on eBay, dude? No, I don't. Dude, take a stab at it, dude. I don't want to. Just that it's going for a million dollars on eBay. Yeah, but you removed all the tags. Yeah, dude, but yeah, because people don't want the tag on there. Yes, they do. If you carefully remove the tag, it makes it more valuable. No, it does not. It makes them completely valueless. It so does not, dude. Fuck you. You're an idiot. Hello? Hello? Hey, Ralph. Oh, shit. Anita? Help a sister out. Oh, my God. When did you get here? What are you doing in the basement? Oh, my God. Fucking Anita. Oh, my God. Next time. All the mystery is Durland County. Well, I've been racking my brain For several weeks yet Just wondering if you'll stick around I really need a friend Not someone to pretend And have my heart smashed upon the ground I'm singing in the sea With this negativity Will you throw a rat before I drown? Will you throw a rat before I drown? Will you still be here When the darkness clears When everything feels so unsure Will you still be around? Drown out all the sound That rattles me from my head to the floor Give me some peace Come and take me to sleep Quiet down, voices screaming out I know that you know I don't want to be alone The silence, it grows so loud Save me tonight, nothing is feeling right I feel I'm lost inside an angry crowd Holding me down Will you still be here When the darkness clears When every day will feel so unsure Will you still be around To drown out all the sound that rattles me from my head to the floor Sing me a song, even though I know I've done me wrong The picture is becoming clear Hold me while I sleep, play the memory on repeat Tell me just one thing dear Will you still be here When the darkness clears When everything feels so unsure Will you still be around And drown out all the sound That rattles me from my head to the floor Mysteries of Durland County, blah, blah, fucking blah, I don't care. Have a good day, we'll see you next time.