Sona Movsesian 7.0

You take him home when you go home? I do. When he's chill? I think he's everywhere. Aw. What the fuck are you? Is he scared of a lot of stuff? No, he's not. He is scared of very little. Near the top of the list is garbage trucks and then garbage cans. Oh. What about you? What am I scared of? Or what's my dog scared of? What are you scared of? me honestly like lately i've had a phobia of like closed spaces i don't know what's gotten what's happened like oh is this okay yeah oh it seems like microphones look up oh we're recording yes i know we're recording i forget that you record before you actually say we're recording i was having a human moment with you but that's okay Scoop do Blubbity blue Scoop dee Oh yeah Four Three Two Is that Is that where you're going to sit? Totally cool Well I don't want to move because Alvin's on me We don't have a camera operator on you just on me. I don't know what my hair looks like. You want me to cut it? My hair again? Yeah. Have you been practicing? Rick, you just need to go for it. I'm telling you it's okay. Beautiful. Now, what do I do with this? How am I going to get this off when it's wet? Oh, my God. What have I done? Beautiful. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It's so much. It's beautiful. Oh, beautiful. I'm going to cry. Are you doing my hair? Oh, my God. Yes. Yes. Yes. Last time, look, you didn't do a terrible job last time. It was like one, but one side was here and one side was like down here. It was very asymmetrical. No, we didn't. We had so much time. You know what I would love is a little more layers around my face. I think this is like long. I think these are long. That's long. That could be chopped up. You can cut it right now. but I don't want hair on your couch last time we did it we were already set up with you on the balcony so it made it a lot easier for me I don't think I want to cut your hair again that was during COVID yeah this is I want to look because outside I said I don't remember if this was your 6th or 7th and you got a little I should have done my research I don't know. I mean, I work on a podcast and we have research for the guests come on. Well, I knew how many times you've been here. I just didn't know how many times it was in January. Weren't they all in January? That's what I'm saying. If they were all in January, this is the 7th. Oh, I see what you're doing. The first one might be, I don't even see. And this is so not necessary. The first one was in June. Oh, okay. That was a long time ago. It was. Right? June of 2020. 2020. Okay. June of 2020. Wow. I was 23. I was almost 24. Really? I got some good news for you, my friend. Really good news. Started working out again about six weeks ago. Really? Yeah. It's pretty timely that we got this new sponsor, too. Could you bring to the first thing? Right now, Momentos or Mementos? Mementos. Mementos is how Vinny Chase got his career started. Mentos better with Mentos fresher Is offering our listeners up to 35% Off your first order with promo code T-Y-S-O Head to LiveMomentos.com And use the promo code T-Y-S-O For 35% off your first order That's LiveMomentos.com Promo code T-Y-S-O Ricky's on the loose And I have five cities currently announced And I have another five coming soon Go to PunchUp.Live Slash Rick Glassman To find out when I'm coming to San Francisco Denver Houston Cleveland Dallas Portland, Soundlight City, Austin, Indianapolis, St. Louis. And also sign up for my email list so you can find out when I'm coming near your city. And I don't mean that when I'm going to be visiting. I mean that having an orgasm in the room right before the show. Tell me the truth. How many times do you masturbate? If you do a weekend of five shows, do you even do that anymore or are you too successful? No, I'll do fives. If you do five, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Tell me the truth. 26. Do you masturbate before a show? After, before and right after. And if you want to find out when I'm coming, to your city, remember? You get it. No, you weren't. Yeah. You were? I've known you. No, you weren't, Rick. No, you weren't. Come on. No, you were. I've known you. I can't tell if you're fucking with me. You know why? No, don't do that. I'm doing the math in my head. I met you when I was 18. That is not true. That's not true. Don't. That's not true, Rick. no it's not what are you talking about you went to college and like that's not this isn't real no one can make this face i didn't even look at the date i was distracted by your face i'm distracted by your face but i don't tell you that all the time no we've you know we've known each other we don't need to get into this brent worked on our show yes it's been 17 years since i worked on that you were not 23 It's been 17 years since you worked on that show. Yeah, it has. No, it hasn't. You're telling me the last time you worked at Warner Brothers was 17 years ago? No. When I first started working for Conan. He's older than me. What are you talking about? Put up a side-by-side of Brent and me right now and tell me Brent doesn't look 15 years older than me. Oh, my God. You're really... Give me your license. Also, what is that picture? That's not allowed. It is for me. No, it's not. It's a great picture of me. And I'll tell you something. I'm shocked. That's my real ID picture. It's not. It absolutely is. It's not okay. There's so many things wrong with it. I know. Who was at the DMV? When I met them, I was playing a bit of a role. So they thought my face looked a certain way because I wanted to get that picture. You did not. No, I sneezed and they wouldn't let me do it again. That's not true. I can't believe this because I need to believe the DMV is as... Sona, that is a real idea of mine. It's very funny, and I wanted a funny picture. I'm shocked that they let me do it because when I check into hotels and stuff, I have an icebreaker where I say, hey, do me a favor. Please don't laugh at my ID, and they think that I'm nervous about it. And then when they take it, some of them laugh, some of them try not to laugh. And then I say, is there any way I can have an upgrade? And does it work? 60% of the time, it works. 60% of the time it works every time that doesn't make sense I uh I can't when you go to bars or when you get carded in an official setting and people see that they're not like obviously this is fake I'm glad I looked I wasn't even recording that's okay wait the red light was on are you recording now Yeah, that was recording. So when I go to an official setting. Yeah. You need your passport. No, I use my ID. At the airport, I use my passport now, though, because when you have to take the picture of your ID so it matches up, it doesn't match up to that picture sometimes. I have to make that face. and there's been a fair amount of times where they had to bring somebody over and holds up the line and I'm just like, this is, I can't do this. Can you make that face now if I say make that face? Yes, John Michael, blur it though. I don't know if I can, but this is how I would try. Is that what it, it looked more like a... I don't know. It's just, what I do know is that I'm taking pictures and it's holding up the line and the people don't know the context and they just see me taking a picture like this. And they're like, come on, dude, just make a fucking regular face. And I'm like, no, no, no, I'm trying to match this picture on the ID. Did I ever tell you about my first license picture that was so bad that when I would go to, like, bars and stuff, the bouncers would cringe when they looked at it? Do you still have it? No. So bad, like, you looked ugly in it? I looked horrific. It was right either before or after I took the SATs, and I had like, you know, I had braces and so my mouth was like kind of open and it was shiny. It's like partly open and it's shiny because there's just like a hint of braces. And then my hair is in this like really disheveled bun and there's like a big curl sticking out of it. But it's also my angle because I'm like kind of like tired. So, you know, I'm just kind of like. I want to throw up a picture that I'm pretty sure is probably close to it. find some type of picture. I'm sure there's something where Tina Fey was showing what she looked like when she was a kid and they swiped to an ID of her looking like that. I can try to find it for you. I have a picture of it, but I don't have the actual ID. Yeah, picture. I want to put it up. Alright, I'm going to give you a picture. I'll find it. I'll look for it. Oh, okay. Let's get it. Hi. How are you? Almost 30, but good. Okay. I see you once a year now. Yeah. Well, you see me once a year now. I see you a little bit more than that. Oh. Because you watch the podcast. Yeah. It's not like you're outside looking. Well, I watch the podcast. I watch the podcast. Oh, that's nice. I watch yours, too. So I see you more often, too, than once a year. Yeah. Well, sometimes, you know what we should do when you're on the podcast? away from the microphone. You should have a sandwich or something to eat and I should do the same. And then we could watch at the same time. It's like we're having a meal together. It's like looking at the moon. In like, you know, like Rom-Ko. Yeah. It's not in my mouth. You learned from his daddy. Oh, Alvin, you want to make out? Let's make out. I'm cool with it. Do you want to smell him and smell good? He smells? Yeah. you don't notice he smells like a dog good or bad great he smells like a clean dog yeah that's it yeah he smells so great i love the smell of a of a cute little clean dog oh i thought like you had put something on him that made him smell nicer no i just smell you made me just smell a dog that's what you did you just smell the dog okay do you want me to put on the lights are there enough what do you mean i don't know if you like these because it seems like the only kind of lights you like is gas lighting oh you made me smell the dog alvin you're so cute i think you smell so good alvin you smell like good like a dog like a clean dog who has bats you're so before we got started and of course we could take all of this out yeah but it sounded like um when i was upstairs brushing my teeth that you and McCone were discussing Conan a little bit and all the bits. I was saying, and. Or were you talking about me? I was talking about you. Oh, I'm flattered. I was saying, because he was talking about how he works with a lot of comedians, like a lot of standups. And I said, aren't they exhausting? And he said, you know, he likes being around them. And I said, I like being around him too, but sometimes it's a lot. And then I talked about when we would all hang out, like you and Brent and me. I was so much older than me, but go on. When we all would hang out because we're peers. When I was allowed to get into the places. We're peers. Because we're around. I mean, I'm older than you, but we're around the same age. But you guys were exhausting to be around, and I loved it. But there was a point where I was like, I have to go home. This is a lot. But I didn't mean it in a mean way because, obviously, I loved hanging out with you guys. Sure. But sometimes it's just like a nonstop bit parade. Sometimes when I'm with people. It's going on a little too long. Yeah, when I'm with people that I can't keep up with. Not anymore. Now I try to learn from them, but I used to feel like, oh, I got to get out of here. So I know what you mean. Oh, you think I couldn't keep up with you? I don't know. Could you? No, I guess I was just trying to be a human and hang out with my friends, and you guys were like, who's the two clubs? I was 18 years old, and you were sneaking into strip clubs. You were not 18 years old, Rick. You were sneaking me into strip clubs. Nope. you were forcing girls to touch me and I said I don't want that because at the time I thought I was gay you first of all you can you can go into a strip club when you're 18 it's not like I you forced me into it not legally legally they had to check my ID but I'm saying I didn't want to go oh you didn't want to go did we ever go to a strip club no we didn't you don't remember anything I remember every time I've gone to a strip club do you remember when we went and all of the only the good looking strippers they were like I really want to give that kid a dance they were talking about me and I'm like please no I'm not interested in women at least not yet yeah I understand at least not yet you mean you were like discovering your sexuality oh I just grew up loving Sylvester Stallone Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jean-Claude Van Damme and yes I call him Jean-Claude Jean-Claude did you ever did you ever really like you never questioned it I still question it. You do? Yeah. I question it and I get my answer. Have you ever dabbled? No. I have watched. I have once. In real life? No. If this were a clip, I see a lot of comedians that instead of using the word porn for the subtitle, they use a corn on the cob emoji. Grow up, dude. What's wrong with porn? I think they think that TikTok is going to call them out. Oh, okay. So I have noticed that when I watch Korn. But the subtitle says Korn. You can say Korn. I am saying Korn, but the subtitle will just put up a Korn on the Cob. Okay. But they don't talk about like nudity, Korn. Yeah, Korn. Korn, yes. Korn. Remember in shows in the 90s, they're like, Korn, that's what I said. What? Say Pa, Pa. Say Orn. Orn. Put it together. Korn. What? You know, that was like, you know, that paid that pay people's mortgage. You know, my favorites were always the cuts for like, I am never going to go to that restaurant. And then it's like, yeah, I guess I'll just have the crayons. So you watched it when I've watched when I've watched corn with I've looked at corn with just two women. Right. And sometimes I'm into it. And sometimes I'm like, I don't know. I don't know. I think I want to see a guy in there. So then I'm like, oh, I only, that's when I was, that's when I first at least that I could remember. I'm like, do I just like guys' eggplants? Yeah. Can I say that? Do I like guys' eggplants? So I have like, let me look. And I looked at corn with eggplants only. Yeah. And this is going to sound maybe mean, but I just want to say this is just an honest reaction. It made me want to vomit. Oh. It made me want to vomit. Now, maybe that's because there's something inside of me that I can't face. Maybe. Maybe. But something about, like, I look at eggplants and I think, like, yeah, that's a fucking nice-ass eggplant, you know? But then when I see guys making out and like doing stuff to each other, I'm like, I just, you know, I feel like I want corn now, but not on the cob. Let me just let me get some sweet corn in a can. Just like mommy used to make. Nana. Elote. Elote. Is that pronounced right? Elote. That's Hebrew for a lot. Elote. How much corn do you want? Elote. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is elote? it's the one where it's it's like mexican street corn where they take it off the cob and they put oh but they put cotilla and stuff yeah yeah yeah oh i can't that's that's jism i'm not interested in the potilla i don't even i don't eat any kind of cheese oh my god so have i questioned yes because i also like look at guys sometimes like i mean i was obsessed with sorts i mean everyone was i think but like you thought he was very handsome i wasn't sexually attracted to him like there was no sexual thoughts but i was attracted like i am i see muscles yeah and i'm a literate like a magnet is attracted i'm whoa i'm looking they're so cool yeah i'm very attracted to them do you want to touch them do you want to like rub them i know okay no i don't want to touch them i've never been with a super buff guy well i mean but i always wonder what things were different and you and i were in different positions in our life i would let you see what it looked like with my shirt off okay i mean when i said super buff i'm not saying you're not in shape i'm not i'll say it yes you are you always look good i'm saying like when we first met i was pretty buff like a mr universe kind of guy you didn't know because you didn't see my shirt off we'll throw up some pictures yo yo okay you were that buff i mean i want to show you i was i had my body was awesome it's perfect i i think i've seen you or your body i remember no no you're saying it was buffer than what I remember seeing. Speaking of buffer and being turned on. Woo! It's getting my asshole. oh give that picture of kristin bell my fucking nose kills dude uh yeah yeah i was uh awesome looking i looked like if i had a t-shirt on you'd be like oh he's just a fucking loser piece of shit fucking nothing yeah and then when i took my shirt off it would be like oh he's got some muscles that fucking loser piece of shit okay okay cool yeah Alright, I get it. Do you have any pictures we can put side by side of you with your shirt off and me with my shirt off? Like in a bathing suit? Or just like free boob in it? Like boobs out. Is that that movie with Daniel Craig? What? Is that... Boobs out? Boobs out! It's like a franchise now, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's boobs out. Yeah. Yeah, it's boobs out. You want boobs out? I don't have... I mean, I did. Wait. But I've deleted most of them, I think. I used to send pictures to guys. I remember. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've talked about it. Okay. You know what? No. I think that I don't have them. I've never been in shape. I've never been a fit person. That's not true. All women are in shape. Well, you're saying it with a wink right in front of me. I mean, I don't know what you want me to... Absolutely. They're all in shape. I didn't wink with this eye. How did you see that? You could see when I wink with this eye? Yes, I can see it. Wait, what do you mean? Can you see a reflection off that? Why are you winking? I'm curious if you could see a reflection off that. Okay. Don't do that. That's not a blanketed statement. I really think you have huge sense. What? Your blanket fell off. And wait, you said it's not a blanketed statement. You're good. You must not be a fan of the podcast. What do you like, think? We're about to rap. Rap? R.A.P. R.A.P. Like, it seemed like you were going to rap. Oh, no. I have to clear my throat a lot. I'm just a throat clearer. Yeah. I do that. Is that because of your race? Like, because I'm white? You're Armenian. Yeah, but that's not a race. I think technically I'm white. We're from the Caucasus. so I'm sorry I heard the what was the first part cock what's that over there alright but you know what also let's be serious because you also can you be serious you really don't know if I could be serious you're really asking me that you know what last time do you remember how intense last are you good yeah it was a year ago the title of that one Oh, I know. I thought about you. I checked in with you a few times afterwards. Yeah, you had a rough one a couple days after that. Didn't I? The day that it got, it was released, I think, is when. It set the internet on fire. Oh. You really, so here's the thing. This is a podcast. This isn't dinner. Uh-huh. You know? But you and I always make plans afterwards to have a meal and catch up. And then for whatever reason, it never pans out. Okay. For whatever reason, we'll leave it at that. It's not always me. We'll leave it at for whatever reason. It's sometimes you. I say no, and I don't think of another time. I think that we've tried multiple times. I agree. And it's, I want to have a meal with you, but it doesn't. Let's go get a meal now and then come back and finish this. I'm in. Let's do it. Do you like chocolate? Sure, I love chocolate. Do you like Hershey? Yes. Do you want to have a meal of Hirsch? Open the balcony, and Neil Hirsch is on the balcony. I had the chances of that happening. I mean... What a great setup. Yeah. Is it a great setup? Well, if a meal of Hirsch is on the balcony... A meal, you said a meal of Hirsch? Yeah. Okay. So I'm thinking, if a meal of Hirsch is here, I'm like, let's surprise Sona. She's a huge fan. I would be like, I got to think of a way of setting that up. Would you like a meal of Hirsch? Yeah. But the meal of Hirsch is the part where... Meal of Hirsch. Meal Hirsch. But you say a meal of Hirsch. A meal of Hirsch. Emile Hirsch, the of is small, like the C in the cone. But it's also just like not something people say. Listen, man, poetic license. Emile Hirsch is on my balcony. How else do you set that up? But what I'm saying is... You want to see the girl next door? Is there a girl next door? Emile Hirsch was in the movie A Girl Next Door. Right. Oh, my God, he was. Yeah. But is there a girl next door? Probably. You don't know your neighbors? I know some of them. I know some women. You don't know all... It's a nice complex. So sometimes when I say girl instead of woman, there are women on the Internet, and I'm stereotyping this, but I'm pretty sure they're all very ugly. I mean this. I mean that like a mean way. Ugly women, when they hear a man refer to another woman as a girl, they get upset. Oh, really? Really? You don't say boy. I say guy, guys and girls. What are you saying? Yeah, I know. It's the same people that are upset that I hooked up with a 17-year-old when I was a senior in high school. Okay. Is that illegal? No, right? Oh, she was 17? I was 17. I'm a day older than her. Okay. This was almost 12 years ago. All right. We were about to turn 18. i've been with a fair amount of women that were within days of my birthday is that true yeah and that's not because there's so many women wait is this a serious thing um that's weird when's your birthday uh so you date a lot of people who were born around your birthday i uh two like similar I have two girlfriends. One was a day after me and one was two days before me. That's interesting. And I have a fair amount of friends that are within a week. Interesting. Mr. Burns. Does he do that? No, he doesn't. Interesting. I mean, that's a horrible impression. But yes. This is my Mr. Burns. Interesting. Interesting. Mothers. Interesting. That's like when the actor can't show up, so one of the writers takes their place at the table read. And everyone's like, the joke didn't work, but don't cut it yet. We don't know. Interesting Smithers. The Smithers isn't bad. The interesting is. Does he even say interesting? Excellent. Yeah. He doesn't say interesting. He says excellent. Excellent. Excellent. Oh, yeah. He does say interesting. You thought he said interesting. I still can picture it. He doesn't say interesting. He has to say interesting, too, because I can picture... I've never heard him say interesting. Excellent Smithers. Excellent Smithers. It's definitely his catchphrase. I feel... Yes, I'm wrong. However, I am able to wrongly or maybe interesting. Wonderful, Smithers. Who am I picturing interesting? Fantastic, Smithers. That's wonderful news, Mr. Smithers. Yeah, excellent. So your house caught on fire. it did it caught on fire it stayed on fire and then it all just burned down yeah so that happened that happened really uh around the time that my last episode was released and so you were texting me and i was like i can't i can't think right now because i think my my house is gone and it was i remember i left to go to san diego the fires had started but it hadn't become what it became and that night it got bad and then there were fires in this area and I have since moved more of my collectibles into a safety deposit box I had like comics and magic cards and stuff but I remember like someone used to go to my house and get my magic cards and I had a hard time finding people being willing to do it and I thought that was interesting how there were some friends that I had that I'm like oh that's something you couldn't help me with huh who did no one well it wasn't necessary there was uh an almost and i had somebody that was maybe going to and i got them okay that's nice and then that person left and didn't tell me they were leaving and left with my key and nobody else could get my key and i was like i understand everyone's going through it but i was just like i remember like i saw a thing that there was a new fire that popped up very close to here which turned out to be arson by the way not the thing yeah and then I was as I was going on stage I was like oh no oh my god how do you focus well out of respect to not wanting to damage San Diego I made sure my set was not fire that night and I just what's the matter sometimes sometimes I get angry because your house caught on fire yeah and you don't have the stuff to make guacamole anymore my mortar and pestle yeah i googled it but you can make you can make guacamole without it do you have one no when i read your article i didn't know you read my article yeah oh that's why you brought it up thank you that's very sweet uh you saw i randomly that's like i don't know i kind of forgot i mentioned that in the article so yeah fair to say then maybe you forgot when you forced me to go to a strip club it's possible it's possible we went to a strip club it is very possible but i just i i kind of feel like i remember every time i've gone to a strip club i know every time i've gone is that true no it's not at all really never liked it do you like full titty and bush or do you like up only titty or do you like only titty oh only only only titty let me get the third huh oh well the third was the first the first you said you want tits and bush tits and bush then the second would be just tits and it seems like the third would be no tits but just bush which would be insane welcome to bushes no tits but we got bushes but bushes come just for the bush and it's all bush yeah but it's just it's just people who are who We're just big fans of George W. Oh, yeah, yeah. They're in there, and they're like, where are the bushes? Yeah. And they're not there that night. Yeah, and everyone, yeah. Sometimes Laura comes. Yeah, well, even if Laura doesn't, everyone else is. They're all coming. Interesting, Smithers. So strip clubs, this isn't a judgment on the strippers themselves. It's the environment that I find to be a bit dirty. Yeah. The people. Also, I don't find... When I was a kid, you look at strippers, you think of the movie Showgirls, and they're all beautiful. There's ugly people in every business. Sure. Including the stripping one. And like... Oh, okay. And then... I'm just looking at the bush. Not the face with the bush. No, the ones I went to were no bush. No bush? Yeah. Okay. And then there's like... That's a hell hazard, isn't it? There's like the Jumbos and Cheetahs places where it's like... But I hear those are nice. They don't show anything. I think Cheetahs. Maybe Cheetahs does. But Jumbos doesn't. Jumbos is like... They have stuff covering their nipples? Yeah. Good. You don't like nipples? I do like nipples, but I want to get to know you first. Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Schwarzenegger. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's my Schwarzenegger. Yeah. It's good. That's it. When I was a kid, I thought, like a kid, like, I'm making this number up at 10. Uh-huh. Before, like, things were too, like, before puberty, I remember, like, thinking, I had an idea of what women look like naked and nipples i thought were gross and weird uh-huh and then i had a dream where i saw a camp counselor of mine who's a woman in the dream naked and she was naked with no nipple and i was thinking it's missing something and i woke up and from that moment i'm like i'm i'm i'm in the nipples i'm also okay if you don't have one i understand like there's sometimes you have to get your nipple removed sure and it's not like but i'm just saying like i used to think nipples get them all removed it's not a deal breaker for you wait let's go back to this camp counselor? Liz Lemon again. Okay. You had a crush on this counselor? No. I mean, not consciously, but I dreamed about her naked when she had no nipples. When I woke up, I'm like... Did she have a vagina? I just saw her boobs. Oh, and they were nipple-less boobs? Yeah, it was just like... Like they were big? Were they like, boom, boom, boom? I don't remember what they sounded like. But I do remember... I remember that it looked like if you were to post a nude photo of you and you didn't want Instagram to take it down, you would Photoshop off your nipple and make it just look like a big round boob. Just a smooth round boob. That's round. Okay. Alright, maybe she didn't have nipples. None of my business. Okay. Women's bodies are not my business. Okay. Although, I'm thinking of starting a new business. Yay! What's the woman's body business? No, just doing more Patreon stuff. Oh, like an actual business. Yeah, where we show tons of boobs. Yeah, boobs, bro! Yeah, fuck yeah! Boobs! Just be serious for a second. We're talking about your house. God. Oh, man. Being serious is necessary a lot of the time. Yeah. Not as much as people think. The reason I want to come here and catch up with you is because this is the only time we catch up. That's what I was trying to say earlier when we try to make a plan for a meal and we don't actually go for a meal. it's that I think we always think that'll be when you and I actually like sit down seriously and have a conversation but then this is really it well there's only so much personal stuff the most personal by a long shot I've ever been on podcast was the last time you were here yeah that was raw and I wasn't sure if I wanted to post it and I did but like stuff is i i don't want to i mean i know some podcasters do this but i don't want to reveal everything about me and talk about personal stuff i get it all the time okay i'm here you know what i mean and and so like i want to be serious i am serious a lot on this but like i want to be silly this is recess yeah and everything else is school and math is important and social studies is important this is like what i look forward to you know you you fart in recess people like rick Girls, you're the man. You're the man? People have told you you're the man after you farted at Reese's? Wait, Reese's? Hey, you know what? I'll let it slide. Would you do the same? No. I would have made fun of you. Wait, really? Oh, it's going to be John Michael. It's fun to laugh, isn't it? I love laughing. It's my favorite thing to do in the whole world. I love it. I'm just saying, I get, this is fun. I always have fun coming here, but I also leave wanting to know more about what's going on with you. So just to be fair, you come here to do a podcast that we're recording to send to other people, and even you, the guest, leaves wanting more. Yes. You must be doing something right. That's the award. I'm sorry, I didn't hear you. No way, those come off? No, it's broke. Oh. This episode is sponsored by Momentos. Now, Andrew, I was telling you early in the episode that I recently started working out. Yeah, you did. Six months ago. Six weeks. Same to me. How so? I don't understand calendars that well. It's about four times less. Ah, got it. Okay. Jokes aside, I'm working out with a friend of mine who happens to be a fitness trainer as well. What's her name? That's none of your business, but she is doing the same weights as I am. Wow. And I was wanting to get into creatine because I heard you're supposed to do five milligrams of creatine. Everybody. You're supposed to do at least that. And I said, this brand started sponsoring me. Do you know anything about them? Because I hadn't, at the time, looked into the formulations. And she said, she knows this brand. She likes this brand. She's taking this brand. And I'm like, well, listen, if that's going to be endorsed by a woman who's doing the same weights as me, then, hey, I'm interested. Now, full disclosure, I have not tried it yet. They're sending it to me now. But I am going to start taking their protein and their creatines. And we'll see just exactly how sexy daddy looks next time we do one of these ads. Well, I can tell you Punxsutawney Phil is going to get six more weeks of winter. Punks of Tony Phil from Groundhog's Day. Six more weeks of winter. February 1st. Funny. Thank you. February 1st, February 2nd. Yeah, same thing. And I February 2nd that notion because in a space where trust is rare, Mementos is redefining what trust looks like. This is what I was talking to you about. Well, best thing is right now, Mementos is offering our listeners up to 35% of their first order with the promo code TYSO. Well, here's the thing. They got proteins. They got creatines. They got omega-3s, fish oils. All this stuff, by the way. We're having fun. I'm taking the fish oils. I'm going to start taking the creatines. I take the proteins. I don't know if I'm getting enough. Doesn't look like it. They say one gram of protein per pound of body weight. I'm 345 pounds. Excuse me. If you take my cock off my body, I'm about 100 pounds. I'm just cocking huge. Head to livemomentos.com and use promo code TICEO for up to 35% off your first order. That's L-I-V-E-M-O-M-E-N-T-O-U-S.com, promo code TICEO. Now listen, even if you don't know if you want to take creatine or something, take it anyway. It helps me out, and I hear this stuff is fucking rad. Three, two, one. Gomethodology.com. Food delivery service. F***ing fantastic. Everything is cooked. Everything is ready to eat. I will be honest with you. The food is so good, a lot of times I don't even heat it up. I eat it out of the jar. Sometimes I don't put it in a bowl. I'll eat it out of the jar. Now, I live in Los Angeles, and when you're in Los Angeles, you could order anything you want from the menu. The menu is fantastic, and it changes every week. However, that isn't the case in all the states. They are available in all 48 states. What are those called? It's available in all of the states except for the two that are in the boxes. It can either be a subscription or a one-time purchase. The menu changes weekly. 30 to 50 grams of protein per meal, 25 plus grams of fiber daily, free of dairy, gluten, and refined sugar. I'm telling you, the food is top-notch. Oh, also, for my Back to the Future fans, Go Methodology is bringing back their under-the-sea menu. February 9th meals include French rolled organic egg omelet, creamy wild lobster pasta, and yuzu citrus wild steelhead trout. Go methodology. G-O-M-E-T-H-O-D-O-L-O-G-Y dot com slash Taiso. You might also have to use promo code Taiso. You get 10% off. I'm not just advertising it. I'm advertising it because I am a consumer, and I'm like, hey, hey, if I talk about this on the podcast, can we do some trade? Because I fucking love this stuff. Check it out. It's fantastic. Hey, what's up, everybody? My name is Asana Ahmad. I'm a young comic out here. Young? Am I that young? Do I look young? Either way, I'm an up-and-coming comic out in Austin, Texas. And I am putting out a new comedy special called Too Soon on YouTube. And Rick was kind enough to let me plug it on here. So I appreciate you guys taking out the time to check me out. Enjoy the rest of the show. What is that? Signal. This one is the listener's choice for most innovative video podcasts. Ah. There's the judge's choice. there's best editing all the same year? it was all this year that's so cool and then do you go and accept it and give a speech? it was in Brooklyn I didn't have the time I was too busy I was working at a soup kitchen trying to figure out a really good soup that I could sell over price interesting interesting interesting So yeah, I read your article. Well, thank you for reading it. And I wanted to bring it up on here. And I read it because you posted a link. Yeah. Now when I look it up, it's on LA Times. It's the only way I could find it. Yeah. And it makes you subscribe. Yeah, I know. How did I read it the first time? I think you get like a free pass, maybe. And then you have to subscribe if you want to read it again. It's called paywall. Yeah. Yeah. But I don't know. I mean, you read it the first, you wanted to read it again? You thought you missed it, Josh? Yeah, I wanted to read it on here. It's like really, really well written. Like I was, also maybe because I know you, but like I got pretty emotional reading it. I also learned that a mortar and pestle is something that, you know, for somebody to talk about them losing stuff and their home and to have the common person empathize with them. But the thing that they're complaining about losing is the thing that only people who have a lot of stuff have. A mortar and a pestle. Yeah. Unless you're making guacamole or mojitos for hundreds of guests in black time. If you were a Hispanic person, you would probably have one. I'm not. I'm not saying I am. I grew up. One of my best friends is from Mexico. Her mom had like four of them. She had, maybe not four. She had one good one. She didn't have more than one. I don't know. I think I really wanted to make it seem as though she had a lot. You're feeling defensive. I know, because I got very... You made me feel like a snob. Just to make me real quick. I made you feel? Yeah. So I'm responsible for your feelings? Yes. Understood. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you made me feel like a snob. I had a little mortar and pestle. There's a recipe you're going to come across one day, and it's going to say, put it in a mortar and a pestle. Oh, I know. I just can't afford one. And then you... Oh, how much do you think they cost? I have a question. Do you think I can make you feel like you're seven feet tall? like literally yes really you think i could convince you that you're seven feet tall no right because you know you're not right so how can i make you feel like a snob maybe because i am a snob i don't know oh okay well i'm saying that a mortar and a pestle is a cool thing to have in your and it's my point is it's one of those things you buy and then it's just in your kitchen and you maybe use it a couple times a year like a vitamix if you're not making lots of soup, which I soon will be. Do you make soup? I used to make a lot of soup. A lot of soup. I've made soup a couple of times on a Vitamix. It's cool because you could put in raw ingredients and the cooked ones, potatoes, stuff like that. Yeah. But you could put in the stuff that's not cooked, just room temperature. And the centrifugal force spins it so quickly that it actually heats the soup up Interesting Excellent Excellent Excellent Smithers It also interesting that you use the actual brand name Do you want them to send you one? I have one. Instead of saying a blender, you said a Vitamix. A blender doesn't do that. Oh, Vitamix does. Yeah. Then you, are you going to look at the camera and be like, Vitamix? Yeah, Vitamix. You want it? We got it. Go to Vitamix.com. it is good though i get it so i i go online today and i go to uh the la times because i had it i had it um i'm like is there another place to find it and it comes up for a second and then it shows you have to subscribe yeah it comes up i took a screen grab and then i tried to do it again i wasn't able to but i just got the beginning okay but do you have it could we read it on here um do i do i have it yeah i have it i have it because i wrote it well i think that um an editor helped me out with it this uh this journalist over at the la times named matthew kitchen shout out to matthew kitchen and he uh he edited it for me and he uh sent it to me did you say that you lost your like carrot peeler and he goes same order and pesto no that was all you yeah have you gotten a new one No. I know what I'm getting me for Hanukkah. Hanukkah's in 12 months. I won't need it for a while. Yeah. I don't have access anymore to the actual article. Is it through an email? Yeah, it's a Google Drive. Because I have to go. Let me see if I can do it. You sound like Smithers. He's getting fucked in the ass. You remember that Smithers, there was an episode where they really leaned into his homosexuality? Well, they say he came out. Yeah, that's great. That's how I learned about gay people when I was a kid. That's how you learned? I thought gay just meant you work for an evil boss. You want me to read it instead of you? You want me to read the article that I wrote about my house burning down? It's going to get really sad. Yeah. Wait, you're not going to really read this in front of me. Are you going to read this in front of me right now? Or you read it. I don't want to read it. I could read it. I feel self-conscious about you. Do you want Macona to read it while you and I just go like this? So to kind of like even it out? Maybe. Because I also, this is very personal. I want people, it is, it's really powerful. Yeah. Okay. Okay, I could do this. I could do this. But do you want it? I thought you wanted to like joke around. Right? You want to read this? It's sad. You know, the Take Your Shoes Off podcast, it's, I don't even refer to it as a comedy podcast. Yes, we won the silver award for comedy, but I don't refer to You have so many of these. Is this one broken too? No. And it doesn't matter if it breaks. I don't do this for awards. I do this so the people at home who are masturbating is something to come to. You want them to masturbate while they listen to you? No, but that's what they do. But isn't that, wouldn't that be flattering? I wonder if we won any of these. You guys probably won stuff for like the Golden Globes. Were you nominated? No. You're upset by that? They don't nominate people based on how good it is. They nominate people by how big the audience is and what fits the narrative. Yeah, but we have a big audience. Not that big. I need it to be big. This is all I got. Is it? Yeah. You want this? Well, let me see. Signal words. Seriously, you're broken. They're showing me another one. Do you want this? Do I want the broken one? You don't even know it's broken. Give me the real one. You have a lot of them. Was that a bronze? There's gold, silver, and bronze? Yeah. Who are the other people who are nominated? Like, no, Robbins or something. Why didn't you go? It was in Brooklyn, and I was busy making my art. Listen, I don't make stuff for judges and critique. My art. Wait, Brooklyn's fun, though. I know. I was there recently. Did you tour all year last year? Yeah, and I started up again. It's funny that you bring that up because I'm actually going to be in Pittsburgh the end of January, then San Francisco February 7th. Pittsburgh. And then I'm going to be in Denver end of February. And then in March I'm going to be in – I don't remember my dates. Do you get super cold now? Are you weak? Not weak. What's the word I'm looking for? Because you grew up in cold weather. And then when you're here, you're like, oh, my God, it's 73 degrees and sunny. This is so nice. But then when you go to cold weather, you're like, I'm so cold. I don't like it. I'm so cold. Did we win any of these? Yeah. I'm weak. I am. I used to be upset by my weakness until I realized that by understanding my weakness, it was the only opportunity I had to choose to grow. And if we had no shame, if we didn't have threats, we would never evolve. I mean, so evil, that laugh. wait we've won something is it insulting that I didn't know like am I insulting the Signal Awards people? Paul Rudd didn't even know that he was nominated for an Emmy that's a good looking trophy looks like a hood ornament almost yeah it does right? Paul was actually nominated for two Emmys Only Murders in the Building and what else? best narrator for something with an octopus. Oh God, that's right. Who won that one, do you know? I don't know. You're the man. It's not that I'm trying to be the man. I think it's that I forget everything. Paul Rudd doesn't know that he's nominated, doesn't remember any of those things, cleans his own toilet. It doesn't sound real. It sounds like I'm trying to be cool. When you put it like this, it sounds like, why wouldn't I remember that I... who won the Emmy. I don't. But I really don't. I can't look through this right now. Well, maybe instead of looking up your awards, why don't you just look up what you lost? You didn't just lose your Golden Globe nomination. You lost your mortar and pestle. Pestle. Wait, did you get one after you read about it? No. You really Googled it? You're like, what's a mortar and a pestle? I also Googled the, I knew it was something from Disneyland, but I forgot the ride. The poster. Autopia. Yeah. I miss that thing there's a lot of things I miss but now I'm like you know I had those that was fun that I had them when I had them and then they just they're gone and you just start all over again with new stuff that gets sad you wanted to read the article I know I brought it down but you wanted to read the article where I talk about my house burning down I am noticing something that I either never noticed or forgot I'm asking a real question And I'll ask, not you now, but when you were a child, maybe. Yeah. And maybe now. Do you feel that you are a bit of a defensive girl? Yeah, I am. I think I'm defensive. I think that when I'm around people and I can't fully read them, because I can't read you that well sometimes. Seems like you can't even read your own article. Maybe it's an issue of you needing to learn how to grow. Is that funny, McCone? And have a little shame. Is that funny to you? I liked it. Okay, I'm glad you liked it. I'm glad you liked it. defensive when I don't know where I stand and I get very uncomfortable. May I offer some solicited perspective? Yeah. Not knowing where you stand based on reading somebody else could be confusing because you're looking for information that you don't maybe have access to at the moment. Like in algebra, you're missing the variables. But if you know where you stand not in relation to other people, but with your own values and your own wants, then it doesn't really matter where other people are standing because you have your footing. And that's why I said if you're seven feet tall, you're not going to believe it because you know where you stand there. Yeah. But when I talk about you being, having no nipples or whatever it was. I have nipples. Prove it. Don't do it. It's not worth it. Okay. People are going to say Glassman's the man and Sona's a slut. It's a double standard. I know. Isn't that gross? That's true. That is gross. I actually for a second too was just going to like go collar down. I think you did this once on a podcast. And I don't, I, you think you animated it? You're not sure if you animated it or if I actually showed my tits? I didn't show my tits. I'm not a boo-boo, I'm not a boo-boo shower. Sure. I don't boo-boo flash. Sure. Like in public. I'm not like in New Orleans being like, woo, give me them beads. Not that I'm criticizing. Do you only know about that because of the Girls Gone Wild VHS that people that are way older than me knew about when they were growing up. I thought that was just life. Like you go to New Orleans for Mardi Gras and you have to show your boobies to get beads. Like I just thought that was... Is that not right? Is that the prequel to that new Timothee Chalamet movie? Marty Supreme? Yeah. Titties at Mardi Gras? Mardi Gras. Oh. You love yourself. When you do something like that you are so happy look at your face i'm trying not to smile look at your face i'm trying not to love you right now you love you god mardi gras is the prequel to marty supreme okay yeah and it's it's actually faith hill's husband wrote it the first one it was based off of him what's his name what's faith hill's husband's name uh the um i was gonna say gavin degras but that's not right faith hill's husband's name tim mcgraw that's right yeah that's funny i knew it was tim mcgraw i was just trying to slow play did you that did you really know oh because you made the jokes you knew his name was tim mcgraw Wait, and he's the prequel to Mardi Gras? So Tim McGraw, Mardi Gras, Mardi Gras. No, Tim McGraw wrote Mardi Gras. Tim McGraw wrote Mardi Gras. Which is the prequel to Mardi Gras. Right. Do I have to spell it out for you? Do you want me to grow it on a board or something? I thought Tim McGraw was the prequel to Mardi Gras, which is the prequel to Mardi Gras. Tim McGraw wrote the prequel to Mardi Gras. Which is Mardi Gras. Right. Okay. And it's about him? His name is Mardi Gras? And the guy is Mardi Gras? Is it like... Is it his cousin? It's complicated. Which is a Nancy Meyers film that was inspired by Marty McGraw. Marty McGraw? I don't know. We'll put it in a complicated poster. Make sure I'm right with it. Marty McGraw. So is it Marty McGraw and then Marty Supreme and then Marty Graw? Marty McGraw. It's complicated. Yes. was inspired by Marty McGraw, which is Tim McGraw's character that he wrote, which was the inspiration to It's Complicated, which ultimately became the prequel to the new movie, which is actually not a remake as much as it is a reimagining of Marty Supreme. Got it. Okay, now we're good. Now we're good. I get it. Doesn't look like you're drinking that as much as you're playing it like an instrument. Go like this, like you're Mr. Burns. Gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp. Could you tell I said interesting? No, it just sounded like you were getting drilled, to be honest with you. Cut back to it. Oh, my God. Interesting, Smithers. Could you not find it? I really, it's a great article. I did find it. I found it. It's on my phone right now. Would you like to read it? Would you like me to read it? I don't know how I feel about you reading it right now. Because it's so... Okay, fine. I have to just say... I have to say this is part of my life. This is what I did. I put it out there. It's a thing. And I'm proud of it. I'm proud of it. You want me to read it? I don't want to read it. There's going to be some words like pestle I don't know how to pronounce. That's okay. You do your best. All That Was Lost in the Fires by Sonamu Sassian and another editor by the name of... Matthew Kitchen. Matthew Kitchen, right. Which is actually named after one of the bigger rooms that you lost. Yeah. Which is? So it's not a person? W-H-I-C-H. Not W-I-T-C-H. W-I-T-C-H. W-H-I-C-H. W-H-I-C-H. You lost a kitchen. Which I lost a kitchen. So he's named after that room. He didn't exist before the fire. Whoa. That's deep. Because you didn't know him before. So in your mind, he didn't even exist. Maybe he didn't. Maybe he heard about all the rooms that were lost, and he's like, this is my name now. Yeah. Is that why you decided to talk about the Morton and Pestle? Because it was in the kitchen? Yeah. That's exactly it. So last year, for those of you that didn't know, there were some pretty big fires in the Southern California, Los Angeles area. Yes. Two main ones. Right. One of which that wasn't spoken about as much. It wasn't? Which one do you think was talked about more? Well, I think there were more known people who lost their homes in the Palisades fire. But then, you know, the people talked about Altadena. What's sad is I think now Altadena and Pacific Palisades are like known as places where tragedy struck. That's kind of like when I tell people what college I went to. They go four dead in Ohio. Kent State? Yeah. Did you really go to Kent State? Yeah. You did? Do they have like a statue there? There's a parking lot where, it's now a parking lot where the students fell. And there is a monument where they are. And I remember there was a kid at school that complained that it took up some of the parking spots. That seems... But what they don't realize is they probably took that into consideration and made the parking lot a little bit wider. Right. To add more spots. Yeah. yeah it's all about the parking it's not about them it's all about them when you're in college you're younger and you don't understand how much your ego is controlling you as opposed to getting in your way and you try and minimize it and as you get older I mean you've been out of college probably 12 years longer than I have but I still remember what it was like 12 years longer How old are you? 43. So 14 years. Oh, right. Oh, yeah, because you're 30. Almost. You're almost 30. Yeah. Sorry. Yeah, that's right. I met you when you were... Well, I'm excited to turn 30. Yeah. Really? It's going to be a new chapter? I met you when you were 13 years old. Really? Yeah. That's... I met you when you were an actual child. Crazy. I thought we met 11 years ago. No, no. You were a kid. man is that why you like to bust my balls i feel like a little brother to you or something yeah you're like this little guy that kept hanging out with us and stuff and going to like bars and clubs with us and stuff when you were 13 and we were like little ricky over here look at little ricky over here he's so cute ricky go get us a drink he'd be like okay everybody your voice hadn't changed to disassociate from the stress of the holidays no we can't do this that's gonna to take six minutes long. It's going to take a huge chunk out of this podcast. Do you guys want to hear about this? No. No. Have you ever seen articles that it tells you how long it'll take you to read? Well, because there's the audio version and that takes six minutes because my friend called and said, I listened to the audio version. No. Maybe it's AI. Huh? Who'd you get to do it? Do you think I got Henry Kissinger to read? Didn't he die? he died I don't know he died Neil Hirsch then to read you know what I have a question for you I don't know if it will answer his phone but I have an idea can you give me one second I was going to see if Arnold Schwarzenegger would read it but he does answer my phone sometimes alright so we'll go serious I could do this as an actor can you? Yeah. You know, if you weren't so open in a good way to being able to be fluid through sincerity and bits, it would be not as enjoyable for me to do that. But because when I do this, you do it with me, and I feel like I've connected with you so much with that kind of stuff. Yeah. I feel like I'm playing with you, not at you. Okay. You know what I mean? Yeah, you're right. But yeah, of course I could be serious. I mean, my intention for wanting to read this is serious. Okay. Okay. Yeah, I want to hear you read it. and see how it goes. Okay. I'm not a great out loud reader, but I'm also no longer embarrassed to do it because I've accepted this about myself. What do you mean? Like when people would call on you in class, you get very nervous? When it was paragraph to paragraph, I would count how many paragraphs away so I could go to this, so I could read it, so I could see if there's any big words. I had time to sound them out. And then when it got to me, I had no idea. I wasn't listening to anything else. I was trying to figure out how to say inconceivable. We were reading the Princess Bride script. Not the book. The script? It was college. I went to theater. I did theater. Yeah, yeah. Of course. Theater and marketing, which is I just call it now being a comedian. Hey. Hey. The other day, in an effort to disassociate from the stress of the holidays. Now, I just want to acknowledge that I'm going to be smiling now because I'm not supposed to. Why? You're an actor. Don't smile. But right now, I'm not acting. I'm not playing a role. Then I wouldn't be sincere. Okay, then why are you smiling? Because I'm being sincere. You can't be sincere without smiling? Have you ever been in situations where you're supposed to be something so it makes it harder? You know, like, you know, at a funeral people talk about how they laugh sometimes or something. Yeah. I'm just saying there's context to this situation, which is, all right, be serious. So I feel like I'm playing something and I don't want to have to play something. So just being aware of that instead of being it. Just read it. Just read it. The other day. No. The other day, in an effort to disassociate from the stress of the holidays, I was making brownies for my kids, and I went to grab my hand mixer. I bought this cheap, reliable one back when I was still living in my bachelorette pad in Los Feliz about 10 years ago. I realized very quickly that I no longer had that trusty mixer. Okay, I'm in it now. I'm in it now. Are you really? Yeah. Yeah. It's the same realization that I had when I bought a new pair of loafers and needed a shoehorn. And when I needed a serving tray to bring chips and salsa out to our new patio. And when a recipe for chimichurri sauce called for a mortar and pestle. Googling it. Oh, back. I once had all these little items in my life. The things you buy once and use occasionally, but that somehow make your life much easier. I had amassed them over the 20 years I lived with roommates, and then on my own, and then with my husband, and now with my family. But on the night of January 7, 2025, we left our house behind with all these items still in it, along with countless irreplaceable objects, thinking we would return. That next morning, however, like many of our friends and neighbors in Altadena, we lost our home to the Eaton Fire. We also lost the mixer and the shoehorn, those serving trays, and my mortar and pestle. Oh, Rick. I remember thinking writing-wise, I love that you repeated the things you said instead of gave other examples. So now what? When you have to start from scratch, there are so many new questions. When you replace your wardrobe, do you change your dress? Who is Sona 2.0? Does she splurge on designer clothing? and should I start shopping now for the house we're planning on rebuilding? And speaking of building a house, how exactly do you do that? How does insurance work? Do I have to save every receipt? Good writing. Oh, thank you, Rick. Because, like, what do you do? It's overwhelming. Yeah, I'm sure. You get insurance and you're like, okay, I'll never need it. Hopefully, yeah. Hopefully. And then you do. It's exhausting, and for the first few weeks, I would walk around clothing stores in a daze, completely overwhelmed. My friend Erica had to come help me shop and held my hand as I tried to navigate the arduous process of replacing a wardrobe. I would try on jeans, and while I lost focus on the task at hand by remembering how we lost the ceramic imprints of my boy's infant hands and feet, I would hear Erica's voice gently break my painful trance with a reassuring, They look good. and more importantly she was the one who found out so many stores were offering discounts to people who were impacted by the fires but how do you bring that up organically do you have did you find everything okay the cashier would ask yes i did thanks i would reply silence then after too long i would just blurt out do you offer discounts for fire victims the answer is often yes but sometimes no answers always were delivered with a slight head tilt the one you do when you feel bad for someone as if changing the perspective of how you look at them will make them feel less sad that's such a that's such a great that's great oh thanks i mean you know what i mean like yeah like people go as if like you know what let me do you a favor okay yeah it's a lot of this yeah the idea of people feeling like they need to say something for the other person as opposed to just saying whatever they want it's yeah and it's also, it's involuntary a lot of times. It's just sort of like, oh, it's something your body just does to people. We saw a lot of head tilts, that's all, last year. Rick, I love how in touch with your feelings you are. I worked for Conan O'Brien for about 17 years. Since, no, never mind. Were you going to do another? Because you're almost 30. I'm like, I had this, the next line is the first 12 and i was gonna i was gonna call him like no no i've worked for conan o'brien for about 17 years the first 12 is his assistant and the last seven is the co-host of his podcast conan o'brien needs a friend good plug with some overlap in there i had this leather jacket i used to wear so often that the lining was falling apart and the material at the elbows had worn thin but it fit me like a glove it was one of the many things in conan's arsenal that he'd make fun of joking that it was my only jacket since I wore it so often and that I looked like Dr. Zayas from Planet of the Apes. Went to Google, not because I didn't know who Dr. Zayas was, but because there's an episode of The Simpsons where there's a musical. Dr. Zayas, Dr. Zayas. Can I play the piano anymore? Well, of course you could. Well, I couldn't before. And I thought, does Conan know Dr. Zayas because he grew up in that time and he has that memory? Right. Or did he write on The Simpsons during that time? And it turns out he did not write on The Simpsons during that time. Oh, you actually researched it. Okay. Yeah. Oh, so he just knows Dr. Zayas? That was my question. How does he know Dr. Zayas? Is it because of The Simpsons? Because that's how I know the name. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it's funny that you said that because Tack knows that song, and so he plays it for the boys sometimes. I didn't know that. I feel like, I don't know, I feel like a lot of people who know The Simpsons know that song. I think that show is interesting. Interesting, Smithers. When Conan found out that I'd lost that jacket in the fire, he insisted on buying me a replacement. I remember sending him a photo of me in the store wearing the new jacket, beaming like I had resurrected something from the dead. Conan, who was dangerously close to losing his own home in the Palisades fire, replied that seeing in and again made him happy. He then immediately made another joke about how I looked like one of the Janet Jackson's backup dancers. Thought about Googling, I believed what it would look like. It was a tiny step towards some kind of normalcy. Normalcy. normalcy even if the lining of the jacket was intact and the elbows felt stiff great healthcare you should answer it I just got new insurance bars and tone what were we just talking about beforehand I was hearing you talk about how good my writing yes Right before the bars are in tone, I was talking about how good your writing was. Yeah. And I think your writing is great. Oh, thanks, Rick. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, it might look like the same to you guys on the outside, but on the inside, it doesn't feel the same. Literally, on the inside of this jacket and inside of you, it's great. Poetic license, like O'Neill of Hirsch. there are things i will never be able to replace like my personalized sign photos from kobe bryant is that when he came on the show yeah or the paintings i bought in cuba when i traveled there to shoot one of conan's specials or the vintage disneyland auto auto auto pia utopia i mean that's spelled with auto. It's like utopia spelled with auto. Right. Because of cars. Autopia. The Autopia. Autopia. Isn't Autopia when you go slam, zoink, zoink. That's an onomatopoeia. Onomatopoeia. But in a perfect world. Onomatopoeia. But in a perfect world it would just be Autopia. Ding, zink, zoink, zoink. You ran out on the third one with saying zoink twice and then you still went for trying to talk underwater. Or the vintage Disneyland Autopia poster I bought from a strange man in Long Beach who was reading this and being like, what the fuck? What the fuck? Or the bee pin my grandma always wore. Or my wedding dress. Or my kids' first Halloween costumes. Or the large bin filled with my childhood memories. It's been a year since the fire and my life continues as it had before. My kids go to the same school in Pasadena that they went to before the fires. My husband and I still go to the same jobs. We see our same friends. We celebrate birthdays and travel. We take our dog on long walks around the neighborhood. We eat dinner as a family. Bragging, you know? Yeah, we eat dinner as a family. No, all of that stuff is just like... That's bragging? I'm joking. But the point of that is I'm still doing all of these same things from before that is this blessed life. Yes. With some new context and some bones missing. Yes. But it's great awareness. Like you have this beautiful stuff and you're missing this big part of who you were and where you came from. Yeah. I mean, yeah. When you're done, I'll explain. Okay. But we have an empty lot. We still pay a mortgage on. We meet often with an architect to hash out the layout of our new home. We get bids from contractors. We talk to our insurance adjuster regularly. We think about money a lot more. I still cry sometimes. The only smart thing I did on the evening of January 7 was take a video of all the contents of my home. You did that in case? I remember wondering. I did that because everyone said you should just do that. It's just something you should have, where you go room to room and you take a video of your house. I remember going through every room with my kids, often in the background, unknowingly taking a video that would become a time capsule of our life before the fire. A year later, we're still rebuilding that life, replacing the items we lost with new versions of some better and some not. The discounts in the stores have ended, and the national attention of our tragedy is largely gone. But those of us who went through all that loss are still going through it, like when we're baking brownies and realized the hand mixer we had for years burned in a terrible fire. It really gets me, man. This is really well written. It's a really great way of, like, empathizing not with something that people can't, the loss is something that they probably can't imagine. Right. But something that they probably can, missing this thing or missing that thing, and then understanding it's not just that thing, it's everything. But as I tell my kids who always think about the old house, home is where we're all together, even if it's still a work in progress. And then here's a picture. I will draw the person you'll marry, try now. Of, you know, some advertisement or something. People read this and they go, let me see who I'm going to marry. What are you doing? It doesn't know that this is about loss and family. Is that really the ad? Oh my God. You should try it. Yeah. What if I try it and it's a completely different person than Tack and I just made a huge mistake? You would trust this thing more than you? I mean... I used to do that with Netflix. Back when Netflix would tell you how many stars it thinks. I'll marry that guy. How many stars it thinks? Sometimes you would rate how much you, Netflix now just like or extra like or don't like. Yes, yeah. It needs to be five stars. And I would always write stuff so it would help the algorithm say stuff for me. And sometimes there was something I watched and I thought it was alright. I was about to give it three stars and Netflix said I would like it four stars and I really thought maybe I did like it more. wait really like i trusted i don't even remember that era of netflix also you really do rate whether or not you liked something do you do that for like are you a yelper no no do you you give your opinion you like to share your algorithm to offer me stuff so it knows what i like are you on letterboxd uh is it past tense yes is that what it is well it's not even ed though is it past 10 xd xd i'm not xd i'm not but people love it should i do it should you do it i'm not on it are you on it he's a he's a cinephile are you really what's your what's your uh what's your go-to oh my theater's the vista oh yes you know what's funny it's not funny this is not funny but i went to go see one battle after another at the vista because it's in film and then they kept trying to show it in film and it kept, there was no audio. And then, this was at 10 in the morning and it was a sold out show. And then they tried it again and still no audio. And then they go up and they're like, listen, the film isn't working. So we have to show a digital version of it. And half the audience got up and walked out of the theater. Why not play the film version and then just play the digital version audio? Do you work in a movie theater? Not anymore. Is that something you can even do? I used to do that constantly. You can, but then why didn't they do that? I don't know. I don't think. I mean, I'm surprised they even, they don't have digital projectors there. They had to bring in special projectors for the VistaVision. There's only like four theaters in the world that would play there. I know they had this whole spiel in the beginning. I saw it twice there on VistaVision. You did? Oh my God. Did you go there before Tarantino bought it? I moved here in 2021. Oh, you're fresh. How do you like it? Well, it's five years now. Yeah. You're not really that fresh anymore. You like it? I love it. Where'd you move from? Minnesota. Minnesota. Oh, a lot's going on in Minnesota right now. You stay in Minnesota. How do you say Minnesota? Minnesota. Oh, that's cute. Do your parents talk like that? Oh, yeah. They do? Do you play hockey? I just did over break. Do you like the Mighty Ducks? I mean, yeah. Yeah, because it's like... It's Minnesota. Yeah, it was representation. Yeah. Yeah. Do you play hockey? Not anymore. Did you ever play? I just run rollerblades. Oh, that's not real. But I used to play it. I used to really play roller hockey. Did you check people? No. But you're so competitive. You didn't get aggressive when you played hockey? You think you're more competitive than me? I know I am. I'm a national speech champion, bitch. Oh, I heard. You think you're more competitive? That's how you came on this podcast, you told me. I know. Because it's, you know what? Do you think more people are afraid? Do you think more people have a phobia of public speaking or basketball? Who do more people have a fear of? What do they have more of a fear of? I have a question. Basketball or public speaking? If you were to go to your car late at night and there was somebody who was going to beat you up, would you rather be a public speaker or a basketball player? Gotcha. What makes you think public people who do public speaking are weak? I used to be a public speaker. Really? Yeah. Were you a champion? How do you think I pay my bills? That, I don't get it. Yeah, because you're a public speaker, not a basketball player. Let me lay it up for you. I'm a stand-up comedian. That's different. Yeah, it's entertaining. That's different. There's a reason you don't do public speaking anymore. You go up there and you're just sort of like, you don't even need a mic. I never even had a mic. Mics are for bitches. Is that why you hate them so much? Like, oh. Is this okay? Yeah. Oh, it seems like you're going to do it. Look over. Got you again. Okay. You know what? I think, you know what I think? I think basketball is for pussies. Yeah? No, you know what? I don't want to say that. I like basketball. I just want to reread. I don't want everyone to play. The first thing you lost was your personalized signed Kobe Bryant autograph. I know. I got one for my brother, too, so at least my brother has it. And I could just pretend it's a Sona, not Danny. Did you say here I got you this? It was signed by a pussy? Yeah, I did. I was like, hey, Danny, you're pussies. Oh, my God. No, I can't even make that joke. Yeah. Look. Some public speaker. All I'm going to say is this. I guess stand-up is harder than you thought. All I'm going to say is this. Anyone can pick up a ball and throw it into a hoop. No, they can't. Not everybody can go up in front of an audience naked. Yes, they can. Like you have nothing. You don't have a mic. You don't have, like, a warm-up person. You don't have a host being like, here's Rick Glassman. You don't have any of that. You go up there in a suit, in a suit, and you do. You're like Jerry Seinfeld without an opener. Exactly. Do you think he's going to be as funny without an opener? That's hard. That's hard. Dr. Carmichael doesn't use an opener. And a lot of times when I used to compete, it was a judge and like four other competitors. And that's it. That's all that was in there. Oh. These were some gold judges winners. Where are your gold trophies? They burned. Sorry. They did. My speech trophies burned. But I did a photo shoot with them during COVID. It's not the same. I don't want someone to think I have some broken ass fucking trophy. I think that that's so great. And congratulations. None of mine were broke. That's all. I'm so proud of you. That's really an exciting thing. You have so many. And that's really impressive. Are you excited for summer to hit Minnesota? Because I can't wait for that ice to get the fuck out of there. Yeah. Fuck that ice. That ice, bitch. Seriously. Wait, what? I know. That didn't work. That didn't work. Just fucking melt that bitch. What the fuck are you talking about? Fucking melt that bitch. Whose voice? What are you doing? Aren't you a public speaker? I don't know where I went. I was trying to do what you were doing and it didn't work. Hey, I guess it's not that easy to speak to the public. I was going to say basketball. Basketball is easy. You think there's more people that could hit a three-pointer? Nervous, by the way, because if you were to go in front of a large group of people and shoot a basketball in front of a whole bunch of people, you would be nervous. You could still do it, but you'd be nervous. You think more people nervous could go up there and hit a three-pointer than could go up on stage and say, do you like my suit? Here's what I think. I think you can just play basketball by yourself, right? And you can go speak by yourself. Look at all the fucking crazies telling you that you need to accept Jesus Christ. That's not public speaking, Rick. Rick is, it's speaking in front of people. That shit is terrifying. That's what crazy people do. Crazy people go around and they say, if you don't believe in Christ or whatever they believe their God is, then you're going to go to hell. You don't think crazy people play basketball? I know basketball, but people that have crazy handles. Oh, yeah. And that's hard to accomplish. Is it hard to accomplish? What handle? What do you mean? I'll do some public speaking, and then you do some dope crossovers. Let me see them. Dude, don't fucking, I don't have space for it. I need space for my B-ball. You don't think I ball? I can't even, look at you, scared Alvin. I scared Alvin, that's why he came over to me. You don't think I ball? I'm convincing, I ball. Bitch, I ball? At a certain point, you might not be able to, but with enough evolution, you might. okay all i'm saying is statistically speaking public speaking is one of the biggest phobias jerry steinfeld has a joke about it where he says public speaking is a number one fear number two is death so people would rather be in the casket than giving the eulogy that was said by a public speaker i mean first of all first of all my professor said that to me like 20 years ago so he clearly stole that from her. Oh, you're a professor stole that from him because he said it 21 years ago. Oh, really? Wait a minute. Now that I think about it, I forgot I was in college 25 years ago. I don't even know what you're going to say, but I just remembered. I made a mistake. I'm so sorry. Jerry Seinfeld said it 26 years ago. I just remembered. I'm actually 50. So how much older than you? And he said it 30 years ago. Oh, well, then he stole it. Yeah. You're 50 and Jerry Seinfeld's a thief. And you forced me to go to a strip club when I was You know what? My professor actually said that to us. She's like, more people are afraid of death than they are public speaking. You said it wrong, according to what you think she said. That's what she said. I replied that. Because I would say that to people. Because, you know, I love to brag that I'm a national speech champion. Will you come here and look at how he's sitting? I know. He was sitting like that here with his ass, like, up. Like, he wants you to rub his ass. Don't get in line. Hey. Hey. is he shaking? He was a little bit. He was upset. He thought you had a different energy, but it's okay. She gets defensive. I do. I get fired up about certain things. But my point is, that's what I was told very early on, like first day of public speaking, a speech class. And I looked it up. It's not true. What's not true? A, death I don't think is the number one fear people have. I think it's heights. Second. But heights is because of death. it's an evolutionary fear that to stay away from heights so you don't fall but there's people who are afraid of death who are not afraid of heights but it all comes from that being afraid of spiders and snakes is because they're poisonous and they can harm you yeah but when you have a phobia of something you're specifically afraid of those things because they're not necessarily rational but if you break down on how to beat them you realize I'll be okay if you realize that's what immersion therapy is you're going to be okay. You're going to be okay. How do you do immersion therapy with death? Well, that's what adrenaline junkies are. You face death? Yeah. Skydive. You think all those people have a phobia of death and they're just doing immersion therapy? It's not necessarily a conscious decision, but I think when people are chasing that. I think it's just adrenaline. I'm making all of this up. I have no points of view. Okay. You know what? Because I thought you were serious and I was like, I don't know. You know, I'm public speaking. It's not that hard. I'm making an argument. Oh, yeah. But it's all bullshit. It's bad. It was all bad. Really? Maybe if you actually... It's funny that you say that because a lot of people would say it's actually quite innovative. In fact, the judges and the listeners. Oh. Gold? Both of them? Who are you up against? Mel Robbins. Were you really? Mel Robbins is everywhere now. And you know what? If she wants it to be, a letter. Yeah. That's good for her. Letter. Letter. Let them. I heard that's her book, but I haven't read it. That's why I said letter. I need to read more books. Do you read books? I've read three books ever. Two of them were Goosebumps, and one of them was this. Aww, that's nice. Sorry, I thought that was the Arnold book. Isn't it hard to read a book when there's shows you want to watch? Yeah, that's why I listen to them. Oh, do you listen to a lot of books? No, I've never read a book. I've listened to three. Two Goosebumps and that. Wait, Goosebumps when you were a kid, like when I first met you and stuff? Yes. Okay. About 12 years ago. I remember Goosebumps. Yeah. You know, I used to read a lot of Christopher Pike books. He was like a, he wrote horror books for kids, not for kids, for young adults. They were YA. But they, I'm pretty sure his name was Christopher Pike. But he, every once in a while, he'd have like someone making out or someone kissing. And I'd be like, oh my God. You like that stuff. So hot. I love that stuff. I like the hockey show. I love it. He did, right? I love it. Because of the making out? No. I mean, it got me because of the making out, but then it hooked me in because of the emotion. But it also made me really interested in like. Hockey. Harlequin romance novels like sex stuff I in the hornier of my life where I want the things that I watch to just have a lot of sex in them Yeah do you watch my podcast Is there a lot of sex in your podcast? There's a fair amount of it and there's a lot of sexy. Yeah. Really. Yeah, but it's like goofy. Congratulations. It's a boy. What is? Oh, wait, wait, wait. Please, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul. Please don't. Please, please, please, please, please. Paul, please. Just stand up. Just stand. Oh, this is a fucking weird position, man. And I think... Okay, all right. Here, hold on. Hold on. Okay. Okay. Oh, well, no. Your nose is bleeding. You want to look in the mirror. I'm going to hit this for you, too. It looks pretty bad, man. You're the best of both worlds. I love the sex where it's like, we can't do this. We can't do this. I love that stuff. What other sex can't you do? that you like to watch or read? I don't read. That's the problem. I don't read. I mean, it's always like, I'm a sucker for like the bad boy with the new girl and she's like very inexperienced. Yeah, that's like me in college. You were the girl? I was with a lot of bad girls and I was like, what are we doing? Wait, were you really? Were you drawn to her? They were tattooed and they were like, suck your fucking cock and you're going to love it. They'd be like, I don't know. Oh my God. Oh, no. That sounds like they assaulted you. I mean, this was like, you know, 2015, and Vine had just come out recently. Which one? Vine. Oh, right, the app. In 2015? You say Vine came out 10 years ago? No, recently. That was around the Vine era. Oh, yeah. And around when Instagram started doing videos. Yeah. It would take a few years, yeah. Oh, you're back? I know. Yeah, when did Vine become popular? Maybe 2013? I think was it? Why do I feel like it was like 2005? I don't know you're 50 I'm sure everything is confusing to you probably like 2014 2015 early in high school you don't remember things very well I don't it can't be that late Vine came out in like 2010 I can't speak to when Vine came out I can't speak to when it became popular and people were using it were you a Viner? Yeah. You vined it up? I vined. It launched in 2013. Okay. I hate when I'm proven wrong. When you're right, you can't even say it. Christopher Pike was right. Christopher Pike. Hey. I wonder if he's still around. Did he die? Did he die? You know, you just did two Arthur Fonzarelli things. You couldn't say wrong, and you went, hey. Hey. I do hey a lot. I've been saying baby a lot more, too. Like, yeah, baby. Like that. Where do you think you're, who do you think, what guy do you think you stole that from? I don't know. Who did that? Who did that? Hey, baby. Seinfeld. He did everything first. What are you talking about? Seinfeld didn't originate everything. I was just doing what Seinfeld does and I was making a joke. I've never heard him say, Biddy. Who did that? Where did I get that from? I do know that in your article you did take something from Jim Carrey. Which one? The one from In Living Color. Oh, that's Jim Carrey. Yeah. What did I take from him? What was in the article? Swipe to it. I'll let you know after the fact and we'll find it. I don't know. She said like smoking or something. That part. I said, all righty then a lot. And I said, do not go in there. And then I talked out of my ass. Yeah. Yeah. I love your dog. From Ace Ventura too. It's dark and hot. The ass talking? Right. Is that what it's called? The ass talking was from the first one. That's talking. It was from the first one and the second one. I believe you that it was in the first one. I'm picturing him in When Nature Calls doing it. Yeah. But I believe you did in the first one, but I can't picture it. My son's done that a couple times. Talked out of his butt. Has he seen? He hasn't. That's pure organic. Brilliant. Do you think he saw it from somebody who had seen it? You know what I mean? No, I think he saw that his butt had a crack. And so he was like, it's like a mouth and I could talk from it. It's probably how James thought about it. James. Sorry, I'm more... Did you watch The Living Color? Yeah. I did, too. I mean, after the fact. It was way before my time. Right, right, right. You're so young. But yes, I remember you'd go like, And people were like, You know? That was such a good impression. This was the same from the first movie. Holy testicle Tuesday. It's still funny, you know. It is. It still holds up. So does Dumb and Dumber. Yes. Jim Carrey holds up. Jim Carrey holds up. What's the movie you quote the most? Drumline. Really? Drumline? Which part? Oh, I thought you were serious. I don't know. Come on, Drumline. I did used to watch it a lot. Drumline, I remember people were like, why is this movie so popular? Do you remember? I don't remember people feeling it, but I did used to watch it a lot and loved it. It came out in theaters, and it made a killing. It made a killing, and people were like, well, why? Like, they couldn't understand why the movie did so well. I don't remember that. I don't remember how people received it. I just know I watched it a ton. I don't know why I remember that. people were like what is it about this movie that's so because it was like word of mouth that's ludicrous ludicrous ludicrous or ludicrous like that's silly ludicrous like put up a picture how would you describe him an actor or a musician if I had to pick like a word I would say a rapper entertainer could work. He is an actor because he acts in things. If I were to have seen him as an actor and nothing else, I wouldn't think that he was, he wouldn't have as much of an impact on me. Right. Because him as a lyricist and as a performer and as a rapper is, I think he's incredible. When he came out in Usher's halftime show, were you so excited? I don't remember halftime shows. Okay, I was. I don't know why. When was this? When I saw him specifically, I was like, what is it about Ludacris that makes me so happy? He's funny and good. Like, his rhymes are good. His beats are good. His punchlines are good. He's funny. He has voices. He's got a cool vibe to him. Yeah, did you like him? Do you like him? I love Luda. Yeah. Luda. Did they... Are you from Minneapolis or Duluth? oh my brother goes to school in Duluth but I'm from a smaller town about 40 minutes northwest of the Twin Cities on the Mississippi oh okay those are the only two cities I like know off the top of my head me up with St. Paul oh I know St. Paul I know St. Paul yeah but you know what the Mighty Ducks did a lot for you guys yeah because that's the only way I know Duluth Edina they're cake eaters yes yes great movies yeah really great movies yeah did you like the Mighty Ducks? Yeah. Is that your era? It's before my time, but if I were to grow up in that time, absolutely. What did you grow up with? Like, what were your... Are you a Barney kid? Are you a Barney kid? Miley Cyrus. Hannah Montana? That was kind of my generation. Maybe like The Suite Life of Zack and Cody. Spongebob. But if I were to have grown up in the era of like Rugrats and Ah, Real Monsters and Hey Arnold and Are You Afraid of the Dark and Family Matters and Fresh Prince and Boy Meets World then I would be like hey they sent a bad generation to start watching some stuff. Yeah it is. That's cool. What about you? I was a Mr. Rogers kid and a Sesame Street kid. That's why you grew up to be so scholarly. And Reading Rainbow. Yeah. Reading Rainbow was my thing. Let's take a look. It's in a book. Reading Rainbow. I can't Sorry too high. I'm tone deaf a little bit are you allowed to say that? don't you have to say tone impaired? I'm tone impaired I'm tone impaired because I'm not tone deaf because I know it but I don't like if you ask me to sing I know my vibe sometimes throws Alvin off because I switch from like a chill vibe to like a vibe like you know it gets intense Is that difficult as a public speaker to have your audience lose you so often? Lose me so often? Yeah, like, I don't know what her vibe is. I want to leave. I want to stay. I can't quite get comfortable. Is it something about me or is it something about Alvin? I'm asking you because I feel that way with you. I think. Alvin and I both feel that way about you. The variable here is Alvin. I think maybe he's not the best audience. Oh, that's funny that you say that. Look who's looking at you. You don't think he's a good audience? I don't know. Alvin's. Oh. I like it when he rests his little head on my lap he's a little bit too much I like to acknowledge for sometimes I'm not sure if the sound mix is going to pick it up but there is some stuff outside Sona actually hired some people to cut down trees I was worried it's a fire hazard cutting down trees oh the trees themselves is that true you know my friend's tree saved her neighbor's house her house is gone but the neighbor's house totally fine. The tree stopped The tree was like a canopy. It blocked all the embers from going to the house. If you have to, we could just stop. You have to go to the bathroom. I'm confused. Did you just say can I pee? So how's everything going now? After my house burned down. We're good. Here's the thing. Oh, this is what I was going to say time and perspective yes it sucks that my house burned down but we're fine sadly some other people aren't but it could have been worse and it's very hard to complain about that stuff when a lot is going on hard because you feel it's hard for people to receive it or hard for you to even say it hard for me to even say it's hard for me to complain too much because you know, we're fine. Like, life goes on. We're just rebuilding. You know, we lost a few things that we loved. Not a few things, a lot. Everything. We lost everything. But it was still, you know, there's a way to get out of it. But there's a lot of people who go through things and are changed forever and it's terrible always and, you know. So it's, I'm trying to say there's war. There's war? There's war. You're saying there's worse things. There's worse things than one of those things is war. Is that kind of discredit? I'm complaining about my mortar and pestle. Yeah. And then there's war. But are people only allowed to feel sad and grieve and complain about things that match up with the worst? I mean, that's kind of an odd sense of competition. It is. I mean, no, I know, but it's also perspective. As in, there's things that can happen to us that's way, way, way, way worse. What you're saying is a good thing. You're saying as a way to have perspective and to deal with it is to have gratitude of what you still do have. I still grieve that life. I'm sad that house is gone. I'm sad the things in that house are gone. But I can't for like the next, I don't, you know, forever just dwell on it too much. Yeah. You know, you got to move on. you but if it's in you to not be able to express it to people because there's war i think is uh isn't really fair yeah yourself what i'm trying to say is the perspective helps a lot so you're so now you're like you don't give a shit anymore i don't give you burn it all burn my my new house down no gear get a fucking needs it no don't i was gonna say this is the cool public like this is the public speaker who fucking needs it can you stop hitting my dog who fucking needs it who He's staying here. He likes it. Because he thinks that you're, you know, it's, what's it called? Munchausen syndrome? You think that in the last, like, however long I've been here? It's not Munchausen syndrome. Munchausen. You think your kid is sick and you can get pills. But Eminem's mom. That's how I know the term. Really? I was going to say the one who killed, whose boyfriend killed her mom. Who was her? Who was her? Do you guys remember? A few years ago, she got out of prison? them joey king played her in a yeah i remember yeah yeah in a thing um so we were walking around and uh you met somebody outside that i know and that person texted me hey man this is weird but i'm weird so whatever and i will never ask this of you for anyone else but please tell sonia that that getting to meet her today was literally the highlight of my week things have been an absolute a shit show for me as of late and that small interaction was something that really just made my life a little bit better thanks okay i won't bug you anymore cheers locked that's really nice why am i getting emotional that's so nice yeah that really makes me feel happy that he felt that way yeah me too that was really sweet also that's very sweet going through some stuff with his home and i don't know i don't think that's the reason but this conversation and you did and here you're somebody that he's a fan of and likes. That's so nice. Maybe that's where the emotion is. Because for me, when I read it, I was feeling like, oh. That's really sweet. That made my week. Do you think that we should maybe send him, like, do you have any of those from a long time ago, pictures of you naked? You want me to send him a picture? I don't like to. I don't think you should. But would you? I can go into the bathroom. So you do have to pee? No, to take pictures of my boobs. And then send it to you, and then you can send it to him. I don't want that in my phone because I don't want big tits to even show up in my algorithm. You think my tits are big? I think your tits are huge. They're huge. And I've gained so much weight in the last year. Which I think is wonderful. I think women should do that. You think all women should gain a lot of weight? I think all women should be able to gain weight, yes. So I developed really early on, too, in, like, fourth grade. I wasn't even born. And you... I was maybe just being born. You're 50, right? Yeah. So fourth grade is 10? 10? Right, yeah, I wasn't even born yet. Yeah, I got boobs really early. You got boobs 40 years ago. Boobs later in life, they're fun. Boobs early on, they make you a freak. Now, I know there's war going on, but this is something that Sydney Sweeney has complained about. Oh, yeah. I'm for her complaining about, for people complaining. I love complaining. Does she really complain about her boobies? I just remember there was an interview where she talked about, you could frame it as a complaint because you read a headline, but this is just somebody asking questions and she's answering, I'm sure. But when she was younger, she was insecure about them and it was an issue. Probably what you're going to complain about, about your huge knockers when you were young. And then as she got older, it became a bit of a power symbol and helped allow her to get the white lotus, which is what I refer to my penis as. And a black lotus, I refer to as being able to add three mana of any color to your mana pool. Right. But, yeah, so boobs when you're older gets you, you know, in movies with Glenn Powell. And when you're younger, you go ahead and take it. It makes you awkward. It makes you uncomfortable. Because everybody else is just like a normal kid, and you're walking around with these hummina humminas on your chest. They're an onomatopoeia. Hummina. That's what they make. That's the sound they make when you're younger. You walk around, they go hummina, hummina, hummina, hummina. Which in harmony, because all the guys are also probably saying that. Yeah. And you don't want to wear like a, oh, like the boys, like the, like the 10 year old boys are going home in a home in a. Yeah. Do boys not like boobs at that age? I don't know. I think they're a little like, what the fuck is that? Maybe that's why it was awkward. Yeah. Maybe you don't want boobs until boys or girls like them. You don't want anything about you to stick out. Yeah. Well, you know, that's, that's tough for a public speaker. Like, when did you get tall? You must have, like, if you got tall too early, you would have felt like a freak. I said this on the podcast before, but I remember I got tall in some summer. Let's call it 12 or 13. At least taller. I kept growing some. But I remember my hands got really big before the rest of me. Oh. And my arms were skinny. Yeah. My forearms even were skinnier. And it looked like a stick with a big Mickey Mouse glove on it. And I remember waving to somebody at camp and just seeing my hand on a stick and being like, oh. and I got embarrassed about that. That's probably why I'm a comedian. Maybe. That's your origin story. That's your origin story. They all have one. It's the stick arms. So tell me about your boobs when you were a little girl. They were big. Nice. I went to the doctor because my mom was like why are they here so early? Your mom has big boobs, right? I feel awkward talking about it. What are you doing with your dad? I'm Armenian. A lot of Armenian women are full-figured women. Same with the Jews. Armenian, I mean, Jewish women. Jewish women are known for having huge knockers, and they don't like getting blowjobs in the early 2000s. Oh. Phillips. Jewish women and Armenian women have a lot in common. Oh, yeah. In terms of how we are. Yes. Like, you know. Yeah, these bitches can't stop talking. Hey, that's why I feel like I'm a Jewish woman. You, yeah. Well, you're a Jewish man. I don't like to, it doesn't matter. You don't think you, what do you mean? Jewish man, Jewish woman, what's the difference? What's this? Everyone hates us. Yeah, but you're not full-figured. Well, you didn't see me when I was younger and in great shape. Yeah, you had your stick arms. That was a point I was talking. Go do stand-up with your stick arms, nerd. Oh. did people look at you and laugh and point and stuff people didn't look at me were you a bully no okay no i was the kid that i grew up thinking that my because my mom would even tell me how good of a kid i was because i was always like really nice with the weird kids and like would play with them and not until i grew up that i realized i was one i didn't know I remember I went to this... You thought you were like a cool guy and you were like, hey, I'll hang out with you. I used to go to... I used to go to... Blur the name first and last. And he would make s'mores, but he didn't ever do campfires. So he would make them in his microwave. No. And I was like, sure, let's microwave some chocolate and marshmallows. Fucking nerd. Meanwhile, I had no friends. Was it Hershey's? I have a surprise for you. Yeah. Neil Hershey's. Which, by the way, if he was there and I slow played it and then did it, come on. Yeah. If he was waiting out there this whole time and then you were waiting for me to do that, you should never microwave s'mores. Like, that's upsetting. This is a stance you've had for a long time. I'm a very big s'mores person. And I think that to do anything outside of the norm is just, it's gross. It's fucking gross. To do anything outside of the norm is fucking gross? Yeah. Are you okay with homosexuality? are we making s'mores the heterosexual way? Because if you're making s'mores the gay way, that's... Huh? By the norm, I assume you mean what's more typical. Statistically, it's more so done this way. Who makes s'mores in a microwave? Bleep it. Yeah, but then you put it in there and all of it melts everywhere. That's like saying I can't eat edibles because it gets me too high. Change the dosage. change the dosage microwave it for maybe 10 seconds that's not enough, try 15 how do you even char the marshmallow? marshmallows aren't charged, we're the nerd kids so you just ate a fully white, somewhat melted marshmallow do you know about fluff? I didn't grow up with fluff really? then how did you learn how to be a public speaker? because I saw a lot of filler words in there like mortar and pestle yeah, just pick one We get it. You're rich. Now I have to deal with the planners and building a new house and dealing with the inspectors. How many houses should we build? I'm still paying the mortgage on this lot. Yeah. Man, Conan really, really is paying you well. I've changed. Oh, my God. I've changed. It is amazing how quickly I can change when you dangle something nice in front of me. Did I ever tell you this? Because, you know, we went on tour, on a national tour in 2010, and it was sponsored. And I'm not saying anything. I mean, we would travel around in a private plane. And I had never flown a class above economy. And all of a sudden I went from economy. So you flew private before first class commercial? Yeah, to private. You fly a private one. Sebastian. And you're like, okay, I get this. Like, this is how I always want to travel. Are you okay flying first class commercial? Well, here's the thing. So we flew that way for two months because American Express was sponsoring it. So we have this plane. And then the last stop, the plane was going to take Conan home and drop him off at home. And then they were like, well, we'll get you a first class seat on an airplane and you can fly back to L.A. You mean take him back to L.A.? No, take him back. He has a place on the East Coast. Got it. So he went back to the East Coast. The Hamptons? I'm not going to tell you. What? I'm not going to tell you. I'm not going to tell you. Cool. Have you ever been to the Hamptons home? he doesn't have a house in the Hamptons. You just told me. That's good. That was good. Anyway, so I get on this flight, and it's first class. Mind you, two months earlier, never flown above economy. And I get on that flight. Is it first class with a pod, or is it first class where it's just two seats? It's just like a nice first class. There's no pod. I think this is actually pre-pod. Yeah, you can use the other card. I think, yeah, this might be pre-pod, because pods are like relatively new. um i like mark maron is one of the first and rogan go ahead yeah that other card is fine uh either of them the the black one i think is a higher uh is is a is faster i'm talking about sd cards and people sds yeah yeah sds nuts so anyway i get on this commercial flight on first class and I'm like this is fucking disgusting I was like grabbing my luggage like they made me get on some sort of peasant flight and I was like why are there so many people relatable why doesn't my chair swivel where's my catering and then I realized there's a lot of things that I got to do with Conan that I can't normally do but because I'm changed do a bonfire if you're afraid of fire and you're just bleep it. Yeah, so wait, he did that because he was scared of fire? No, I don't know. I think he just likes s'mores and... Hey, Kevin, s'mores, yeah, let's light a bonfire. I mean, at this point, really, just do it on the stove. But if you have a gas stove, yeah, you could just use the fire on the gas stove. I don't know. They microwave s'mores. People use microwaves too much. I almost never use them for years, decades. I don't know. However long I've been out here, I've had microwaves in every place. I would never use it. The only time I would sometimes use it is when I had desserts. And still I would do the toaster oven usually. Yeah. But like if I wanted – if I didn't want to have to deal with that and I have a churro that I want to heat up, I would use a microwave. Cut to this past summer where my dad and I watched Beat Bobby Flay all the time. We love Beat Bobby Flay. I don't – oh, Beat Bobby Flay. Yeah. You said it weird. Beat Bobby Flay. Okay. And now he has another show called Bobby Flay Triple Threat. And in that, Michael Vitaggio is one of the chefs that are always there. And he loves the microwave. He just uses the microwave all the time. And since then, I'm not using it a lot, but since then, like, when I make tea, I will boil water. Not in the microwave. Still, I don't usually. Oh, okay. But the other day, I was in Arizona doing shows. And if you want to find out what I'm performing in your city, go to punchup.life. I'm on tour now. We'll put up a poster. We'll keep it there for about a minute. I, uh, my throat was hurting one night and I just, is that, oh, that's me. Yeah. I just microwaved water and I was fine with it. You want to take it? Bars and tone. Oh, no. You can do bars and tone. We have three left. It's okay. It's my mom. Oh, I thought it was somebody important. Somebody with small tits. That's right. Big tits are important. Oh, right. You were telling me when you were a little girl, your mom took you to the doctor because your tits were huge. Yeah. It's the opening to a clip. Make it good. That's the whole story. Oh, short clip. Yeah. No, but when you take a 10-year-old to the doctor because something's happening with their body. Yeah. And they're like, the doctor looks at them and they're like, this is normal. You don't feel normal because you had to go to the doctor for them to tell you that it was normal. Do you know what I mean? I understand that If I didn't go to the doctor I would have felt more comfortable about them Right Also walking through recess one day This fucking cunt That was in my class Not even going to say her name and I remember it Is it the girl with small boobs? She had like normal 10 year old boobs I don't even want to picture that Normal 10 year old girl boobs Stop get it out of my head Just close your eyes and think of a 10 year old kid I can't And think of their chest and she yelled at me across like the recess Sona you need a bra and it was the worst thing that ever happened did you need a bra? yes so it would have been better if she pulled you aside they were floppy yeah but also at that age what are you going to do you can go to Victoria's Secret you're going to get like a late underwire bra at that point it was still a secret right how do you find out that you need a bra and then get one because it gets to a point where you are a little floppy and an adult has to be like, we have to take you to get a training bra. Do you remember when you got your first bra? I never thought of it. Maybe if I really think about it, I can remember it. Did you lose it in the fire? You think I did? Did you lose your first bra? Because technically women burning bras is a sign of not adhering to the patriarchy. Right. I go to the boring secrets sometimes and just light it on fire. They voluntarily burn their bras. everything all the bras that I burned was not voluntary but maybe that's the message right if you don't burn bras we will yeah yeah no the world is saying that's it down with the patriarchy let's burn all the bras in this town in the town of Altadena for thousands of houses that's the That's how Thanos would do it. Thanos? Yeah, like he wants to, he thinks the universe is too overpopulated. McCom. I think it's Thanos. It's Thanos. Oh, maybe if you watch the movies, but in the books it's Thanos. You heard it pronounced Thanos in the movies? In my head when I would read the books. Yeah, but when you watched the movies, weren't you like, oh, it's Thanos. Oh, they're just saying it different now because of like whitewashing it. I figured. Oh, you think they're whitewashing Thanos? You think the correct way to pronounce it... The original Iron Man was black. So was the original Captain America. They corrected one of them. I heard this. I heard... I knew that's exactly how I would do it. You can say anything about comic books and I'll be like, oh. Yeah. And Hulk was originally white and then they made him green. And now there's these billboards or these banners, these Bruce banners all over the place and they're making him green. Yeah. Rick. Yeah. What's up? Did you read a lot of comic books? Have you ever been to Comic-Con? Once, but as a I was in San Diego with Moshe Kasher and Brent Weinbach. They were performing at the, Brent I think was featuring for Moshe headlining at the San Diego Comedy Store and I went to host years ago. How fun! And they wanted to go to Comic-Con and we went I never heard of Game of Thrones. I don't even know if Game of Thrones was out yet as a television show. but what's his name J.K. Rawlings or R.L. Stine or something George R.R. Martin yeah they always have Tolkien there's like always a couple of letters yeah they do they have letters yeah they do a lot of J.K. Martin Abrams what is it George R.R. Martin George is Martin now but he was there and I remember Moshe wanted to have his book signed by him years later I discovered the show and I've since watched it four and a half times no oh yeah how do you go through the red wedding four and a half times how many times have you watched the show once it's it hits you can i ask you a question sona so you know people really shit on the ending of that show i already i feel like i already know your perspective i get so mad that they shit on it when people shit on a show because of how they stick the landing or don't stick the landing in their opinion. And I'm like, do we forget what the show did to us as a country? For us. For, no, but like to us. Like I felt violated multiple times. Oh, so that's a good thing. Yeah. Well, I mean, in terms of like, this isn't the, these aren't the rules. This isn't how it's done. Yeah. And it did that. Yes. Yes. Punch up that life. That's right. Class. When I'm on tour now, you will like the show. And if you don't, I will give you your money back. If the club won't, I will. Do people come up to you? Has anybody come up to you and been like, give me my money back? Not that I know of, but they may have asked the clubs, but I don't think so because shows have been pretty good, but maybe. Yeah. I don't think the club would do it. Yeah. So I get really pissed off at public, at the discourse around certain shows because people don't like the end. Yeah. I feel the same. It really pisses me off. I've rewatched numerous times. and let me tell you, yes, it is I have some I have critiques. We have notes? Whatever. You have to wrap it up. They wrapped it up. The show is amazing. Do we forget about the journey? Or do we only think about the destination? I can't. Well, let me tell you when you re-watch it, because when you first watch you're like, what's going on? And then you kind of figure it out as you go. And then when you re-watch and you realize how many seeds were planted in the pilot and then as you keep going on you understand everything already yeah and it's just masterful it's a brilliant re-watch i am not good with nuance the first time and then when i re-watch things i'm like oh my god i know but i uh i just don't i don't know if i could emotionally put myself through that again okay maybe when my boys are older i'll be like guys there was this show that came out before you were born, I will watch it with you. And then it might be fun to watch it through the eyes of someone who's never seen anything before and it's not spoiled for them. But I don't know. I mean, I watched Star Wars with them recently and I was like, yeah, I get it. This movie, you know what? Unpopular opinion. Star Wars is pretty good. It's funny that you say unpopular opinion because you think you're being ironic, but there art is a big world of people out there who goes fuck star wars i think there's a big world of people out there who say fuck anything that's popular though yeah but why are you that guy am i the guy that says fuck things that are popular no i make my own decisions okay okay because like i there's things i've liked growing up that were like very popular that people would like you know can judge you on like i loved new kids on the block you loved new kids on the block sure um but like you know there's like people who are like it's lame you're lame you're lame dude i like something why is that lame thank you why do we do that to people i also think it's so hard to make stuff that even if stuff i don't think is good i'm not out there saying that that's the same with me conan makes fun of me for that because i like a lot of stuff because i'm like god you guys got a crew you got cameras there's a difference between thinking something is brilliant art versus your ability to be entertained by it. Yes! Yes! Thank you. You're welcome. That's exactly how I look at it. I thought I thought about this. My book? Yeah, I thought it was brilliant art. Saved it. You did. That was good. Yeah. I can't believe you've watched that show four and a half times. What other shows have you watched multiple times? Sopranos. Yeah. That I would watch again. Arrested Development. Oh, yeah. Sopranos is great. I've watched The Office. The Office. 30 Rock. Same. But like beginning to end? The Office, I have watched all the way through. I may have seen the last couple of seasons numerous, more than once. But I usually stop after Steve leaves on The Office. Yeah. Did you watch it when it was on? No. I didn't know about it until after the fact. Oh, wow. I made a web series called The Sixth Lead. I don't know if you remember it was when and I loved it and people said this is very much like The Office and I had not even watched The Office yet and then I'm like I keep hearing about this I should watch it um what else were you say some stuff that you rewatched too what did I rewatch so I when I met Tech yeah I was in a deep rewatch of Cheers I watched it when it was on I watched it when it was I'm sorry I'm 50 but also Wasn't it the 80s? It was the 80s. It premiered, I think, in 82, which is the year I was born, I think. And then... The future was all from the 90s and early 2000s, and the Frasier ran like one or two seasons longer than Cheers, and it follows it. Yes. So I'm pretty sure it was on from like 82 to like maybe 90. September 30th, 1982. Look at me. Check me out. So that was right before I was born. I was born in October. And so I remember my parents would watch it every week. And so when I was old enough to like understand it, I did not even understand it, but I started watching it. And then I rewatched it when I had first met Tack like about 10 years ago. I was rewatching it and he was also rewatching this like Cheers the same time I was. Isn't that crazy? That you both were watching the same show together? No, we were both re-watching the same show when we had met each other. Oh, I think you met. Isn't that nuts? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's crazy of all the shows to re-watch. You re-watched Cheers? I was re- I was watching Scrubs while Brent came into my room to say, hey, I have a meeting with Bill Lawrence, the creator of Scrubs today. Get out. Ultimately, I was- and then he came to an improv show that Brent and I were on. That's how I met Bill. Oh, my God. I got my first job. That's so cool. And I was re-watching his show. So he was like, I'm the creator of Scrubs. like Bill Lawrence. And I don't, I didn't, at the time I had not been working and acting. So I didn't know like show runners and creators and stuff that much, but I knew that name because I kept seeing it up on the x-ray. Yeah. So I rewatched Cheers, rewatched The Office, rewatched Parks and Rec. TAC. Parks and Rec rewatch. Yeah. TAC really wanted to rewatch the King of the Hill. It's a great show. So we watched, rewatched King of the Hill. And when I rewatch, I mean like I had seen a few episodes when it aired, but then I did a proper like, Beginning to end. Yeah. I love movies. I don't like re-watching. I like watching new stuff. I love re-watching. You do? Yeah, love. I do it constantly. I re-watch movies all the time. But what about new stuff? Don't you want to see new stuff? I watch new stuff, too. I just watch stuff. Yeah. I just, where you're sitting, either no blanket if it's my inside clothes or blanket if I just didn't want to change yet. Jerking it. Is it right there? Yeah. What do you mean? Dick out. Yeah. No. What are you talking about? You dick out. When? When I'm watching stuff? Yeah. When you're home alone, you're just like dick out. No, I just like just eating with my dick out. Isn't that what guys do? Don't they just sit around with their dicks out? No. No, I mean a lot of times I have to take my pants off if my pants are to get too tight. Uh-huh. Like even these sometimes get too tight. They get so tight. Around my big hog. My big hog. The big hog? Paul Rod. Huge dick. Yeah. And we're out of that. Automatopoea. Yeah, that's a fish who is reading Batman comics to his friends. Can you do voices? No. You've never tried? I've tried. I bet you could. Stinging and doing voices is a skill set of mine and I want to be able to. I've heard you sing. I think you have a nice voice. Thank you. And I could go like this. But like, I'm not somebody. Go like this. If I'm not somebody who's like. Can you do accents? No. I mean, I could do an Irish a little bit like that. That's really good. That's really good. Or I could do a Scottish. Might be a little bit dark. That's great. I could do an English. Or I could do English. Talk a little bit like that. You talk like that. Like Michael Caine. Talk like Michael Caine. You could talk like Michael Caine. That's like that. What's that show? The Trip? I don't know that show you know what I'm talking about? The Trip where there's a scene where they both do their Michael Caine impressions and one of them doesn't Michael Caine when he was younger and one when he was older is it called The Trip? no it's not The Trip what's the show where the guys do Michael Caine impressions? The Trip hey! oh my god they knew that? Siri knew that? I asked Google. Steve Coogan and some other guy who I don't remember his name. I don't know if I knew his name. I didn't know who he was. You should look it up because you're going to hurt his feelings. Rob Brydon. And they go, I'm Michael Caine. I'm Michael Caine. Do you Michael Caine? I say Michael Caine used to talk like this in the 1960s, but that has changed. And I say that over the years, Michael's voice has trapped several. Let me finish and all of the cigars and the brandy dinner. I've not fucking finished in the back of the voice and the voice now. I've still not finished the voice. Because you're panicking. Because you look like you're about to bloody talk. Let me finish. Right, so. Michael Caine's voice now in the Batman movies and in Harry Brown. Michael Caine speaks to his nose about that. He gets very very specific. It's very like that. When it gets loudly, it gets very loud indeed. It gets very specific. It's not quite nasal enough the way you're doing it. You're not doing it the way he speaks. And you don't do the broken voice. But it gets very emotional. But it gets very emotional indeed. She was only 16 years old. She was only 16. You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off. That's Michael Caine. That is so good. Yeah. That's such a good Michael Caine. Oh, my God. That's the best Michael Caine I've ever heard. You know, my assistant, Duncan, is a huge fan of Steve Coogan. And I like Steve Coogan and I've seen Steve Coogan and things, but I'm not educated in the world of Steve Coogan properly. Oh. And I believe he's – I'm missing out. Are you very familiar? I've seen some Alan Partridge. Yeah, I've seen some Alan Partridge. I want to watch more. There's that Jesus movie he did where he's like a high school drama teacher. I don't know it. And he's a high school drama teacher. And he, I watched it 400 years ago, but he's, I think he's a high school drama teacher and he is, is like doing a sequel to something. Dana Mars is the 2008 comedy film. Hamlet too. Oh, he wanted to direct a sequel for Hamlet. And, you know, check it out it's funny it is so funny it's so funny and i think in one part he plays jesus but like he wrote this whole like it's kind of a musical for this high school called hamlet too and if you remember hamlet everyone dead spoiler alert spoiler alert what about gildenstern and rosencrantz what about it Rosencrantz and Guildenstern I sorry that I am closer with Guildenstern you know I'm closer with Guildenstern I'm closer than Guildenstern so I said it first is that right though Rosencrantz and Guildenstern or is it Guildenstern and Rosencrantz they say Rosencrantz and Guildenstern but I'm just saying what does it matter? Rick and Sonos are still alive. Oh, because they're still alive. I don't remember. I just remember all the main people were dead. And so what are you going to do? Who is in the sequel? Who is in the sequel? Maybe Rosencrantz and Guildenstern? Yeah, but there's an actual way. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. You're just asking about them? Yeah, but they're still around. Like now? Yeah, they're still around. They have a show called Footloose. Have you ever seen Vampire in Brooklyn? No. Have you? Eddie Murphy plays a vampire in Brooklyn. Oh. And he's doing Brooklyn shit. What's Brooklyn shit? You know, like... Getting coffee. Yeah. Painting. Yes. Well, painting with spray paint. Going to a farmer's market. Dancing on cardboard boxes. Paying a lot for real estate. Well, now... Yeah. because of people like you know what did i do you have a lot over here you're working with contractors over here you're trying to get your houses over here you're just a you're only flying private even first class too you're clutching your pearls gross gross are you okay with first class now that you haven't flown private in a bit yeah and i still like if i'm lucky business class as opposed to? As opposed to economy. Domestically, business class and first class are like the same. They are. Price-wise, they're not. And especially when you fly with four people because if I fly with my husband and my kids. You, your husband, and your two tits. Yeah. You sit in the middle and just put your tits on the nose. Just plop them on. You're on your knees facing the back of the chair. Yeah. Yeah, when I do, it gets really expensive. I don't, you know, I'm not like swimming in it. Not swimming in it. But when I fly by myself, if I go somewhere, then I splurge. How do we get you to swim in it? Do you ever think about how can I start swimming in it? What can I do more? I think if I'm more ambitious. What would that look like? It would be like me being more ambitious. I'm saying, but in practice, what steps would you take into one goal? Probably writing more books. Did you make good money from your books? Maybe doing podcasts of my own. Maybe doing speaking engagements. Do you think that maybe it would be dangerous for you to do speaking engagements with how competitive you get? No, I've done speaking engagements. Say again? I'm not speaking engagements. Oh, it's hard to hear you. Maybe you should start projecting. Oh. Racist. She was racist. Don't say yeah. Fuck you. Say I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry? Yes. Are you talking about you or me? Me. Me. So? I am so sorry. Thank you. You can't do it. You're not going to get me to do it. Okay. What were you trying to get me to say? That you're so sorry. Not, not. But how were you trying to get me to say it? Well. Me? You? What was the first word? We. Who's you? Me. So sorry. No. Are you done? I'm not going to do it. It's not going to be seamless. It doesn't have to be. It's not going to be seamless. You playing with your boobs. I play with them sometimes. before shower I go do you remember when you decided you were happy with your booze or was it never I think after high school maybe even after college because in high school too I wore a shirt that said Boston and this one kid in school used to always make the same joke and he'd be like you stretched it out so it says Boston, Massachusetts and I was like okay I would have said nice shirt it looks like it's making me Boston making you bust like you're getting because of like the ghost buster song oh it makes you want to ghost bust busting makes me feel good um what do we talk about okay yeah and then there was a point where I was like ah you need a date if you got boobs Would you say having boobs for a girl is like being tall for a guy? Yes. Or would you say having boobs on a girl is like being funny for a guy? Although, hey, I have, you know what? I think it's changed a lot. Oh, boobs are not as important anymore. Now it's all about the butts, and I don't have a great butt. I've been trying to tell you. If I was trying to date now, I think he would be like, put your boobs away. No one cares. You don't really need much of a personality if you get some boobies. You know what I mean? Maybe as a teenager or as a young adult, but nowadays I can't get hard if you don't have a good personality and great tits or a great ass. What if it's just a really great personality and a good person? How's her face? It's okay. I'll be friends with her. You know what? Really good looking people tend to have a lot of insecurity. Where are you getting it? I'm saying, do you want to date someone who's more like confident with herself? Absolutely. there's a sweet spot. I want to make sure that I'm still physically attracted to them and they were probably not attractive until at least when they graduated high school. Oh, you don't want someone who's always been pretty. Listen, I mean, this is a blanket of statement. You've grown into it. The truth is, I want somebody who's kind and funny and interesting and challenges me and who's hot as fuck. That's what I was going to say. A lot of your exes have been like gorgeous. Okay. And not all of them but some of them are also very funny very smart yeah and it didn't work out for some other reasons uh-huh okay i just wasn't sure if you wanted like a model or if you're cool with just someone who's like pretty when i say i don't want a model that feels judgmental because that's saying i don't want somebody based on their profession when it's a blanketed statement to say that somebody who's an actress or a singer or performer or a model is inherently not worthy of being loved by me. I'm saying they have looks like a model. I'm saying that I am physically attracted to who I'm physically attracted to. Some of them are, like a lot of models that are conventionally beautiful, I'm sure I'm attracted to a fair amount of them. I'm also very attracted to character looking people. I'm very attracted to people that are quirky looking. And I'm so glad too because those people are often times interesting. You know, big eyes, gap in the teeth, you know, something weird. That's cute. And there's not much in the middle. Hot or alien. It's kind of like dogs that are beautiful dogs. You're like, look at this dog. This is going to win a show. And then you have the dogs that are missing teeth and their tongue sticking out and they have a missing leg. I'll fuck either of those dogs. As long as they're sweet and they're lovingly. Unfortunately, a lot of those dogs that win the awards have been bred into just like assholes. yeah they're dicks they're poodles those poodles walking around like they fucking own you can tell some poodles are dicks I have a poodle mixed with what we did a DNA test have you done a DNA test on Alvin his mother is a chihuahua and his father is Jewish we actually found out aww that's sweet I only have so many jokes that like, here's one of my jokes. You know, like, I have a joke. You have you? Okay. I mean, when I meet somebody on the street and say, what is your dog? I say that. Yeah, and they're like, this guy, do they laugh or are some people like, okay. If this were something I were doing on stage, I would either be like, drop it or fix it. Yeah. But I'm not doing it on stage. I'm not a public speaker like you. I know. Not everyone can be. Yeah. Big phobia. It's a really big phobia. I feel that if I'm nervous to say something that I feel is worth saying, then I'm not judging those nerves. My stomach is growling. Do you have a snack? Yeah. I'm serious. Do you have something I could just eat real quick? Do you want a beef stick? I don't want it to get caught in the mic. Do you want a beef stick? I'll take a beef stick. Okay. Hey, Paul. Bustin makes me feel good. This is like a beef stick that I feel like people I grew up with look like. aww do people age differently what do you mean that people let you just like I see this and I go oh this is probably what some people's dick looks like this I just try and think of dicks as much as I can I get it just to make sure that I'm not gay I'm constantly thinking about dicks constantly thinking about it I wonder what a guy's dick looks like I wonder what that guy's dick tastes like It probably tastes gross. I would hate to suck that guy's dick. I keep thinking, just to make sure. I'm just picturing. Yeah, I'd hate that. Because I just want women. Have you ever pictured a dick and thought, that would taste delicious? No, they all taste gay. Gross. And we're back. I was going to say, if you guys wanted to get food after this, but I forgot I have a Zoom meeting in 40 minutes. Oh, okay. I would have eaten I know I'm saying it would be fun I'm wanting to go to restaurants more I'm actually making an active decision to do it you made it you made it seem like after COVID you were a homebody more I made it seem were you why do I remember that I didn't leave the house for a year and a half and then every time I did I would come home and change my clothes and wash my glasses I was a mess. But yeah, I still don't. I don't. I either cook or I get food delivered here. I stay here. I sit on that couch with my dick in my pants. Tight pants if I'm hard. Watching Game of Thrones or Sopranos. Yeah. And then going to my computer over there and being like, what if we do this? And then working on the podcast a little bit. And then I'm just getting older and I have a dog now and no family. But I'm not complaining. It sounded like you were complaining. Have they been gardening for four hours? They're cutting down trees, really. Are they really cutting down trees? Yeah. Why? Why would you cut down a lot of... They do it once a year, I think. Like trim branches. Oh, trim branches. They're not cutting trees down. No. They're not leaving stumps everywhere. It's not like the Lorax. You're giving riddles. Oh. I've never seen the movies with the Lorax, but I thought riddles stump people. that was what I was doing. Yours was better. Riddles stump people? Yeah. Are you stumped by riddles? That's a long journey. Yeah. Because you were talking about stumps and then you brought up riddles. That's a long journey. Yeah. Yours was better. I said that already. Yeah. Okay. But a lot of people don't know about the Lorax. Yeah. Do you know any riddles that you think I might not be able to figure out? I'm good at riddles. I just know the... Are you making fun of it? I am because I'm not going to say it right oh because the mom's the doctor the longer I burn the shorter I get oh sounds like something about a candle it's a candle but it's the burn part gives it away I didn't say it right something about the longer I exist the shorter I become the longer I exist or the longer I'm being used the longer I'm being used the candle doesn't become shorter if it's not being used yeah but it's not like that's too wordy what could you put in a barrel that makes it lighter what could you put in a barrel that makes it lighter what can you put in a barrel that makes it lighter leave your comments before the answer comes out you think people are doing that I don't think people want to look stupid and I think a lot of people I think a lot of people are waiting I'm not scared about looking I don't know the answer, but I want to think about it more because once I hear what the answer is, I'm going to be really upset at myself for not knowing it. Well, think about it. What? Talk about your process. What do you put in a barrel that makes it lighter? Lighter. It's not a play on words like that. We need to play on the word barrel. It's an actual barrel. You put it in a barrel and it does actually make it lighter. Lighter as in weighs less. Ways less. Yes. What do you put in a barrel to make it lighter? What do you put in a barrel? So do you change the word? You've changed the word barrel somehow. You put the word bearer. No, an actual barrel. An actual physical barrel. You could have a barrel. In a barrel. What do you put in a barrel? Yeah, hit that in a little louder and you might get it. What do you put in a barrel? Warmer. What do you put in a barrel? Colder. What do you put in a barrel? What do you put in a barrel? You okay? What do you put in a barrel to make it lighter? Lighter. L-I-G-H-T-E-R. Lighter. We actually have a barrel, right? You have a barrel. And there's something you could put in it, and it would actually make it weigh less. I'm not like doing... Helium. I mean... Because it's lighter than air. Yeah, but it would... But there would still be air in it. So maybe if you could seal it and vacuum it out and put helium in, maybe. But we're just talking about the weight of the barrel itself. Not the... Lighter. Lighter. Lighter. In the barrels. Mr. Burns. In the barrels. In the barrels. In the barrels. I'm doing it. I'm doing a great Mr. Burns. I give up. I don't know. A hole. That's good. A hole. A hole. And then you fuck it. You've always been like this since you became this hornier version of you. What's it called? A heated rivalry show came out. That's all I think about. Fucking things. With a dick I don't have. Well, not with that attitude. But if you want one, I'm sure you could just make a post. Make a post? Yeah, some people might send you a dick. Like a dildo? Yeah, they have a thing that you could do where you could buy it, and it's a mold, and you put your erect penis in it, and it makes a mold of your penis to turn it into a dildo, and you could add a vibrating function to it. Interesting. Excellent. Excellent, Smithers. Give me a little dildo, Smithers. I remember I bought it once, years ago, and I was going to make a vibrating mold of my cock. Sorry. To give to a girlfriend that I was dating once. And I'm like, it's like, there's just instructions. Yeah. Yeah. And I, nothing on you. How long do you have to stay hard? I don't think she probably wanted it. Oh, okay. Okay. I mean, I'm not saying she didn't want the real thing. I'm just saying I don't know if she wanted like a mold of it. I bought something online from this, like there's a sex toy. And like when I was there, when I was checking out, I was like, are you sure you don't want this vibrating mold of your cock? I'm like, I'm not sure I don't. I got it. You never did it? No. You got to do it. Much like your porter and vestal, I don't know where it is anymore. Porter and vestal. Rosencrantz and Gildenstern, Gildenstern, Rosencrantz. Whatever gets you hard at night. Oh, Rick. Anything you want to plug? With a vibrating gildo of my penis, I mean. yeah I want I'm writing my second book now The World's Worst Mom but that doesn't come out until later this year it's great you have The World's Worst unlocked now you should have a third one say The World's Worst Writer yeah don't proofread it it may be really bad really don't get an editor for that one that's really funny I need an editor The World's Worst Edited Book well that would be The World's non-edited book is what you're saying. No, because you're editing it, but you're not a good editor. Oh, I'm editing it. Yeah, no, it won't be good. But then, like, why do people want to read a bad book? Well, you know, it's like that play where, like, things go bad. Or, like, that restaurant that you go to where they're like, what the fuck do you want, you miserable cunt? Yeah, I would be so good at that job. I want to do that. In fact, I, I mean, if somebody works at one of those restaurants and could get me a job there, we're at least straight to callback. I don't know how jobs work. What were your jobs before you were stand-up? Did you work? My first job was working at Best Buy. Nope, my first job was working at McDonald's. I was a Burger King girl. I could tell. You look like you still eat a lot of it. Then I worked at Best Buy. Not even offended because I'm thinking about the chicken sandwich right now. The chicken sandwich, the oval one? Or the tender crisp chicken sandwich. No, no, the oval one. The OG? Ugh. Do you remember there was a time they used to cut it in half and then they stopped cutting it in half? Yes, I do remember that. And I'm glad they stopped because it's perfection. Oh, I always then would cut it. I liked that they cut it. No, I liked a big honker of a sandwich. When was the last time you had Burger King? Oh, it's been a while. Probably like a year. Oh, so you still, do you eat fast food? I don't eat it as much. but every once in a while what do you think is like I don't eat fast food for years with the exception of when I'm stoned I'll get Taco Bell but no meat just the bean burritos why no meat? it grosses me out are you a vegetarian or you don't like that meat? the latter I'm judging the meat and then I'll eat Chick-fil-A and In-N-Out Burger for whatever reason well In-N-Out Burger I get that's different because it doesn't feel like fast food. That's what I'm saying. So you worked at McDonald's. I worked at Burger King. You know. Podcast idea. We're not. Look, they're not taking a raw piece of meat and putting it on a grill and flipping it. At least they weren't at Burger King. I thought McDonald's was frozen, but I didn't think it was cooked. If I signed an NDA, it's. Lost in the fire. You're saying whatever you want. What I'm saying is they would take it, They would put it in a high-powered microwave when I worked there, heat up the meat, and then assemble the sandwich. High-powered microwave for burgers? Yeah. It's not like there was a flame there. And if you notice... Flame grill. I thought Burger King... It probably was originally, but the one that I worked in, they heated it up. It was already cooked that they heated it up. Oh, my God. I might get sued by Burger King. What NDA do you think you had to sign about not being allowed to talk about the food? That would be crazy. Well, if you notice, so here's what I learned. If you notice, when you walk into an In-N-Out, the kitchen's open. You see them make the burgers. Like a Chipotle. But a lot. Which also doesn't feel like fast food in the same way. Yeah, but if you look at like a McDonald's or a Burger King, they strategically hide how they make your food. They show you the fries. Like, you can see the fries. picture behind them you could see behind them is a wall where they put the finished food and then behind that is where they make the food I'm picturing the McDonald's that I worked at you can see the kitchen it's not an open concept kitchen go to a new McDonald's go to McDonald's they hide it because it's not made when you go to In-N-Out you see them make it, you see them cut the potatoes you see them do Like, that's, like, it's fresher. But McDonald's and Burger King, look, I love it. It's delicious. But you can't make food that quickly. You can't make food that quickly. There's something about that I miss of going through a drive-thru and getting that bag and having a sandwich in the thing or the wrappers. Yeah. The Quarter Pounder tastes pretty fresh. The Quarter Pounder does? Yeah. Yeah, but you're young. You're not as close to 30 as I am. so you could eat that stuff. So you've made a conscious decision not to eat that stuff anymore. I haven't eaten it in so long. Because of Super Size Me? No. Okay. You just one day were like, I'm not going to eat that. When I started, years ago, I saw that thing where you saw how the chicken nuggets were made, you know, that pink stuff. I know. It's rough. Yeah. That's what Alvin says. I think they changed it where now it's real meat. yeah it's not as good I don't know the fake stuff tastes better I don't necessarily subscribe to that oh okay it just kind of does yeah you get it yeah McComb gets it maybe at McDonald's then but you get a hand breaded chicken breast chicken fingers from some place that's not that's going to be so much better than I agree but when you were talking about a McNugget you want the pink stuff There was too much space between a nugget and it sounded derogatory. Oh, that's how your brain works. McNugget. That's how your brain. When you get a McNugget, that's how your brain works. Me so sorry. That's how your brain works. That's not how I work. You get some nuts. So yours doesn't work that way, meaning you don't see that kind of stuff. That's called lacking empathy. Yeah. For McNuggets. for McNuggets. Not good. McNuggets? Which part is the problem? The Mick? Mick is an Irish slur. Yeah. That part's bad. Not the nugget part. What part were you having a problem? With a T? Yeah. Okay. Careful though. Hard T. You don't want to say just careful. Yeah. Okay. McNugget. Fine. I miss the pink stuff sometimes I miss how it's like gross pink you should check how bush is a lot of pink stuff in there it's not a bush underneath the bush vaginas are often pink kind of like a tongue do you know that vaginas and tongues are the second thing made in uterus. Is that true? It's the heart. But not the penis? Well, the penis and the vagina are the same thing. The balls and the ovaries are the same thing until it becomes balls or ovaries. That's why there's two and it looks like this. Sounds tasty, doesn't it? Yeah. It's shocking how little I knew about how babies were made. Even while you were making them. This goes to show you, you can make a baby without knowing how to do it. I was going to say, there's so many parts. There's so many things that happen, like the fallopian tubes, the ovaries, your uterine lining when you shed it. Your period. Exactly. Yes. Your progesterone goes up. Yeah. I just was always... I think I just zoned out a lot during that class and I was like, I know I got the parts. I don't know what the parts do until I needed the parts and then they weren't working properly. Oh, you had problems? Yeah. I had to get fertility treatments to have my babies. Did you have cysts on your body? your body? I don't have cysts. I did have some fibroids, but they weren't big enough to remove. Also my age. I was 37 when I got pregnant. Were you trying to have twins? No. You mean why I had twins? If you implant two embryos, it increases your chance of having one. But you went two for two. But I went two for two, baby. Two for the price of one. Bogo. What were your fertility the issues and how were they solved just by uh i think it was i was uh old and also the law apparently and this is something one doctor told me so i don't know how accurate this is the longer you go it's it gets harder to have a the longer you go meaning the longer you try naturally what what was your question the longer you try naturally so like you know as you get older. As in, like, okay, so we've been, you know, you're trying naturally for like a year. What does trying naturally mean? Just having sex? Yeah. So the longer you have sex, the harder it is. So you're just talking about aging. Well, yeah, I guess it is aging, but like that year... You're saying a 38-year-old that's never had sex has a better chance of getting pregnant than a 38-year-old who just whores it up like you? Your words. It was. It's my words? I said I whored it up? I was married at 38. Swipe back. when she said I said I hoarded up just take the I hoarded up and then put say you know two hours earlier it's amazing how you can hear how you hear it how you're going to manipulate it the video evidence you're going to manipulate it to serve your own narrative I hoarded up I'm helping you the same way your body helped you when you didn't understand how it was making a baby I know trust me it did kick in when I needed it to because I had a pretty smooth pregnancy. It was uncomfortable. I don't want to do it again. So Tech came in a cup. The doctors took out eggs from you after giving you some injections. Yeah. Then they put the cum in those eggs. Certain amount of them became embryos. They got how many? I have, I got three good, because they also test the embryos. So I got three good ones. Like you could see this one We'll play the piano. This one's going to be a basketball player. Well, they're like, nothing's really genetically wrong with these three. And they put two in there. So you still have one frozen somewhere? I have one frozen. And I have one that's kind of janky. Have you thought about selling both of them but not saying which one is which? I would not sell them. I would donate them. And I think I'm actually going to donate them. I'm not going to eat them. But will you sell them? Did you say don't eat them? Donate. Donate. Donate. Give. Give for free. your pronunciation for a public speaker oh is it my pronunciation anything you want to plug I'm good when did your book come out? World's Worst Mom in the fall hopefully if I finish it if I do it I have to edit it I've edited it, I send it in I got new edits do you think you're reading New York Times bestseller because of who you are, the audience you have and then the fact that I'll plug it I think I was a New York Times bestseller with that book because Conan wrote the foreword for it. Do you want me to write the foreword for this one? Would you like me to write it? What is your foreword going to be for the world's worst mom? Well, I would probably look at this and I would like, because this worked so well, I would try and do something like this. It has long been accepted that what separates Homo sapiens from the rest of Earth's myriad creatures is our unending quest for perfection. Myriad. I'm so sorry. Thanos, Thanos, we're all guilty. I know, and you know what? I'm adding into your anxiety about reading out loud, and I'm sorry. Our constant need to improve our conditions, like being a mother, from cave to hut to pyramid to castle. I mean, this is boring. Conan's boring. He's just trying. I'm going to clip that, show it to him. Yeah, and then tell him to come on here. Okay. Yeah. I really want to go get a meal. I would love to go to Taco Bell. Oh, that sounds so good. Sometimes I, go ahead. I was going to say one time I was at a friend's engagement party and everybody had left and they're like, let's get Taco Bell. And then someone was like, okay, I'll go to Taco Bell and we'll get 50 tacos. And so we go to the drive-thru and we're like, can we have 50 tacos? Thinking they'd be like, oh my God, or oh, that's a lot. They're like, yeah, sure. No problem. Didn't even phase them. It was ready in minutes. So many people order 50 tacos from Taco Bell. They don't even, they're like, we have the infrastructure for that. Do you think you're our first one today? How many people wanted 50 tacos? Like eight of us. Wow. Yeah, we. Was that 12? Yeah, we were a little high and drunk. The person who drove was sober, but the rest of us were. 12, what am I talking about? 50 tacos if there were like 8 or 9 yeah that's reasonable yeah how many tacos do you normally eat well it depends on the tacos but I remember I used to go to Chipotle back when I was really young because an order of tacos was not 3 as it is today it was 4 and I would get 2 orders of Barbacoa tacos before a basketball game so I would eat 8 tacos Oh, you like soft tacos, not the crunchy. I've gotten into soft tacos recently. I used to be exclusively crunchy. The reason I've learned to like soft tacos, and I'll eat a corn tortilla, but I like a flour tortilla. Oh, a flour tortilla. Soft flour tortilla. When it goes flour, though, don't we go into burrito territory? Chipotles are for their flour. Oh, I thought the little ones were corn. They're flour. Interesting. I don't know enough about tortillas. Yeah. Would you say? Excellent. Excellent. It is. And when you fry, most tortillas that are fried are corn, at least traditionally in America, which is such an American thing. We've appropriated the Mexicans and the Chinese with their foods, and now we think we know what Mexican and Chinese food is, but not until you actually go to Mexico City or to Bangkok. Bangkok's not in China. That's Thailand. I'm saying if you're horny, one of the things you really like to do. and you like to bang cock in Shanghai bang cock but a fried flour tortilla I think is like what a chalupa is right? isn't chalupa shell fried flour? I don't know but I did know that Ludacris once said I bang cock in Bangkok hey he's the man that's why he is who he is do you know he has different women all over the country all of which in their phone numbers they have different area codes and he knows the hoes by those area codes. He wrote a song about it. It goes, I got hose. I got hose. I got hose. Area codes. Area codes. Yeah. 509-606-305. Are you remember? He's the abominable hoe man. Glenn Trott, International Dolman, Daffa Dick. Something post man. Good memory. your horoscopes and eat your hors d'oeuvres and on 10-1 these hoses self-serve 757 301 509 604 tell me some more from that I don't remember any of that I'm the international dope man are you um are you amazed by the food here are you like look at all this food from all these different places I mean I also live in Chicago oh okay I mean I don't want to judge this small town in Minnesota but I'm guessing it's you can't get good sushi there no I mean I guess that is fun like my parents and family doesn't really it's fun to show them different food do they hate it do they come in there like oh okay well my brothers are a little more stubborn but I miss like cheese and dairy and stuff yeah there's like cheese curds or like a juicy Lucy oh okay so you go home and you're like gotta go like Bumble or anything laughing laughing Sorry, you were going to say something? No, I was going to say when you go home, you go straight for the cheese curds and the juicy Lucy. Yeah, or just like when we're out at a bar, you just get this shittier bit bar food. Oh, yeah. Yeah. When you go home, what do you do? Where's the first place you go to eat? Or where's the first place you go that's like I'm home? There's two places that I eat all the time when I'm home. Davis Bakery. Great food. Great pastries. Sandwiches. Great rye bread. And then the Chinese restaurant I like called Houwa. Where they have the best vegetable egg rolls I've ever had. The problem with a vegetable egg roll is in most places they're not egg rolls. They're spring rolls. Egg rolls are the thicker, the more crust. There's a certain type of crust on an egg roll. It's crunchy. The spring roll is in the rice paper, isn't it? And the egg roll is in, I don't know what the difference is, but egg roll crust is thicker. But when you get egg rolls, they're not vegetable. Egg rolls are like shrimp or chicken or pork or all the above. But I don't want those. I want vegetable ones. And you can pretty much only find spring rolls. This place has a vegetable egg roll that is an egg roll, but with just veggies in it. And I'll go, last time I was there, I go, I get five at a time. They're full size egg rolls. And I just get those to have for the night with whatever other meal I'm going to have. And I just keep the oven on and I keep a few in there. And I'll just, whatever I'm going to eat, I'll take an egg roll or two with it. That's nice. Yeah. Wow, I like that. It's always fascinating to me. Because I'm here. I know. So it's like, I'm going to go to my mom now. I found a restaurant that I love after your wedding. I just, Armenian food is just Mediterranean food. I'm not coming to realize. It is, yeah. I don't quite understand the nuance of the difference. There's some cuisine that is specific to Armenians. But if you go to like an Armenian restaurant, it's Middle Eastern food. It's like maybe a difference in how the kebabs are seasoned or certain things are prepared. But yeah. I remember the food at your wedding was incredible. And I'm like, this must be what Armenian food is. So I looked online to find an Armenian restaurant and I found one that's called Manti Cafe. Yes! It's one of my favorite restaurants. I love that place. I don't even know if it's Armenian. It is. The owners are Armenian. But when I looked online, that came up, but it doesn't say Armenian. Do you eat Manta? Manti? Do you eat it? I don't get that there. It's little dumplings. Yeah, I don't get that there, no. Oh, it's so good. You should try it. I would love that tonight. You should try it. It's really good with, like, yogurt, this, like, garlic yogurt and, like, this tomato sauce. Oh, my mom makes it at home, which is good. Yeah, that's a big Armenian dish then, huh? Yeah, it is. Manti? Yeah, that's good. That's a great place, too. Yeah, I found it right after your wedding. The food at your wedding was the best food of a wedding I've been to. Hey! Oh, that means a lot. That hummus was good. Well, Armenian weddings, when you sit down, a lot of the traditional ones, there's like already 15 appetizers just in front of you. I remember there was some, and there was people that we finished ours, and the other table didn't. And we're like, no, I need it. I'm like, I'll take care of it. I went over and I asked, and they let me have some. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and then there's the alcohols on the table. the whole point is that you get fed and drunk on your table and then you just get up well you have to because the wedding was longer than this podcast so like we went there in the morning and now it's dinner time by the time we got to the reception my day started at like I think hair and makeup started around 10 in the morning and I you know then like there was a whole thing at my brother's house at noon I mean it's getting closer here right it's almost going to come There were people at my brother's house at noon, like a whole pre-wedding thing, where his tax family came to get me from my family. And that's the whole symbolism behind it. And they bring gifts and stuff. And then they had to pay my brother all this money so he would allow me to leave the house to go get married. Can you believe it? That's tradition, so I understand. But where that came from is pretty wild. It's crazy. And then I didn't want to do it. But like I was outnumbered. I was like, I don't want someone to buy me. How much were you worth? I don't even know. My brother just pocketed. I think he gave it to somebody. But like, I'm a woman. I don't know how much money. Right. And then we went from there to the ceremony. And the ceremony is long. And then the actual reception was right next door. And so it was just the longest day. There were 550 people there. It was a big wedding. I'm so happy that I saw you. and it was just like so nice like I got to see certain people and I remember them being there I don't remember I remember Conan was dancing funny I don't remember what it was but I just remember thinking like this is wild yeah this whole night was just crazy it was like there were because also Tack and I have a lot of non-Armenian friends and for a lot of them it was the first Armenian wedding they went to Roman Catholic isn't that like an Armenian that's like the two really long ones well ours was like I think ours was just an apostolic ceremony But yeah, Catholic ones are supposed to be long. And you kneel. You used to kneel at some part. You stand. Are you Catholic? I'm very Catholic. Yeah, you kneel a lot. You stand a lot. I was the best man. Well, they call it a best maid at my friend's wedding, who's a guy. And so he had a Catholic ceremony, and it took forever. I have an idea that for my wedding, if my bride-to-be not only is okay with it, but likes this idea, that wear whatever you want. I want to wear a suit on the top but shorts on the bottom. Okay. And let's have everyone just wear comfortable stuff. We won't make it too long. At the beach? No. Do you feel like you have to have a Jewish ceremony? I want to. It's not a must. Okay. But I do want to. Yeah. Like a chuppah. Is that what that's called? It is called a chuppah. Yes. And then you do a thing. You step on the glass. Which I heard isn't really a glass because it's so hard to break it. So they cheat it with something else that breaks easier. Oh, we use maybe for the week or for people that don't want to break glass or for other logistical reasons. Oh, yeah. But some glasses are harder to break. Yeah. Oh, that's fine. Can I be can I come? Is it weird that I'm inviting myself to your wedding? No. You want to get married? Yeah. I'd like to find the person first, but I would love to do that. Yes. And if you don't believe me, why don't you check out Sona 6.0 from last year where I'm crying about it the entire time. I know. That's different. You were going through a breakup. That was just a very raw time for you. Yeah. I wish I like, I don't know. What? I don't know. I feel like I, I think because we were recording, I didn't get to ask more questions. We talked more afterwards. But, you know, I was worried about you, but you were going through it. You just needed time. Yeah, I would have loved to have had that conversation with you, not on a podcast as well. Yeah. You know, like I was needing that conversation and you're very maternal and supportive and empathetic and over perspective and knows me enough to where like you could be like, well, Rick, that's not fair about that. That's not true. Like about myself and things and like. It's a lot going through a breakup and then you look back on it. a year later and you're like wow that was rough but you you feel so much like you're way better now than you were i knew i would be isn't that crazy but you know going through a breakup just fucking sucks i'm so sorry you've been trying to wrap this up no i don't want to i want to keep talking and then i want to get food but i do have a i have a meeting in seven minutes yeah and i got to break this stuff down so uh shona uh is the world's worst mom i love you um uh oh you're also making a book about that, right? It should be out in the fall if she could get to it. Yeah. If her kids stop crying and give her the space. Yeah. And Conan needs a friend. Sonamofsessian.com slash boobs to find pictures. Yeah. M-O-V-S-E-S-I-A-N. And I think those are the big things. Yeah. And you get a Polaroid. Oh, right. Theme music. where do I want where do you put your Polaroid's name they are the thumbnails of the audio only no but where do you keep them I have I want to I want to do a book maybe like on the 500th episode or the 400th episode or whatever I don't know and each page is an episode like a copy table book and it has a Polaroid and maybe some quotes from the episode or something but I mean come on I'm not gonna it's so much work you should you should do it as you go along yeah I'll ask my assistant Duncan to help me with that his name's Duncan yeah he's been helping me out with a fair amount of podcasts Scoop do blabberdy blue Scoop do oh yeah