The Adventure Zone: Abnimals Ep. 26: Radical Rescue!

In spite of what you have heard, we're at the height of our powers We're top of tallest towers, we're spinning We'll never stop, we'll smile Take my hand if you trust, and we will do what we must Until it's turning out just like a plane And if I don't wish I'm wrong It is long, but our mojo is strong And unless I'm wrong, and I'm not We're at the height of our power The End The End The End The End The End The End Newton, loveless the more you're surrounded Uh, mostly Surrounded by bad guys You've knocked a few out, Tora had a bit the head off of one really A couple are knocked out One's still getting his pants buckled back on What do you do? What kind of weaponry are these robots working with? What kind of like anti-personnel sort of features do they have? Can I, can I, I mean I, I, it is a butchers that I would be taking Just to kind of get a feel for her Yeah, give me a butchers roll Um, let me see You know what, let's just do this Mondo move Let's do reduce reuse recycle I would like to make a weapon out of this robot's head that I've just torn off And maybe any other kind of materials to construct a, construct a machine, construct a weapon Which is a 68 roll Yeah, give me a 68 roll to determine Well, there's only two successes in there but they are the same numbers So that is a cow bonga That is a cow bonga my dude So two sevens, what do you want to make out of it? So you have, let's say that it has the capabilities Programmed into it for like a taser Yeah And potentially let's say built in pepper spray but breath Yeah, um, I mean a taser definitely sounds better to me So I'm gonna just, you know, work in the, in the gully works this thing a little bit And then, uh, let me see, I have one robot on me and then there's two kind of untouched on the other flank there, right? Yeah, and if you want to incorporate this robot head into your hook and chain Oh, that's kind of cool Um, yeah, you know what, I'll do that I'll put it on the end of my hook and chain turn it into sort of a flail�������� Seven. That's okay, this is I think also unprecedented. It's five successes. I do have a 777 in there. Oh yeah, we're gonna call this a mega cow bunka. Your flail and chain with the built-in taser just tears these three dudes in half. These three robot dudes. Yeah, three robots who do not have souls. So it's totally cool. I grabbed the head. Sometimes on the adventures, some robots do have souls though. And it's like so confusing. It's like, it's really is arc by arc. This is why we can't have a multiverse guy. Yeah, no, we're chewing. Because it would be, this is what we need. A multiverse tas that is just a war of rescindience. So we align the universes. So robots with souls versus robots without souls? Well, universes in which robots are decided to have souls versus universes of tas where they are not. And it's just an, like it's a multiverse battle. I consider taking the severed robot head off of the end of the chain, but I'm gonna look over at Newton and Lamar. And I'm like, do you guys think that this is, could be like part of my brand? Or is it too like metal? It's a little. It's a little. It's a little. It's a little. I'm realizing how much Axelisle kind of sounds like a Ninja Turtle. Like if Jeff Daniels was a Ninja Turtle. That was sort of true. Now what's a Ninja Turtle? What? What is a Ninja Turtle? Yeah, these are Greenback Guardians. If I could, in ancient, fuel Japan. All right. Sorry, Jeff, which part of the concept do I lose you? Because if it's not that, it's turtles. Well, like I can picture a Ninja and I can picture a turtle. But ninjas are usually moved very quickly, like the wind and turtles are notoriously slow. So I guess I'm confused by the meshing of the two concepts. I understand why it is. That's why it's so edgy. I know. I sheepishly, I'm gonna tuck the robot head into my like knapsack. It is, I don't think I can swing around a sever head. That's just too, that's just not my aesthetic. It's a little mid 90s. Lamar, two of the guards are gonna take swings at you. So one of those hits can't be defended. There's an eight, but the other two hits are reduced because of your damage reduction. Okay. And the second one takes a swing at you. There would be two hits, but your damage reduction stops those. And it is your turn now with these two haters to... It's two damage, right? Just one, just one that can be blocked. Okay. So how many guards do I have now? You've got two, one to your north, one to the west. Okay. It says on Lamar's character sheet that he's real good at flipping. Real good. And I notice here that you've written real in like capital letters, right? Yeah. So what I'm gonna do now, what Lamar's gonna do is he's gonna flip away from the two guards. He's gonna like flip between them onto the desk. And the flip that he does is going to be so graceful that it reminds the guards of a sort of like universal nature of aesthetic beauty that we can all connect to. And it's sort of like the pursuit of that beauty and the recognition of that beauty. It sort of takes their motivations and holds them up for how sort of like hollow and cheap they are. Because in the face of like that sort of eternal, aesthetic beauty. Now what I love about the way that sometimes dice tell a story, that is definitely what Lamar has in his head as he coils his muscles and bends his knees to execute this flip. And now I would like you to roll the 68 that he has in flipping to see how it actually turns out. It's a success. It's not as thunderous of a success as I would have liked for the goal, I will say, Trav. For the goal, I would have loved to see two of the same numbers instead of an eight and a five and many, many failures. Yes, so he is able to gracefully flip upon the desk getting past the two guards. And they do take a moment to be like, wow, he's real good at flipping. But then they continue on with their plans. They do, Justin, I'll give you this for a brief second. So even with a complete success, in the goal of impressing them so much with my flip that they stop fighting, even with a complete success, I'm given no more than passing notes. Here's what I will give you for complete success. You do it so gracefully and easily that it confuses them as to where you have just gone. They've lost track of you for a moment. So now they are still facing the wrong way, facing where you were. And they are now going to be stunned for the next round and not able to take it. Hey guys, I just realized something, dudes. What's that? I now have concrete proof that pacifism doesn't work. I did that with perfect success and I didn't achieve my goals. Guys, pacifism doesn't work. I mean, I don't wanna sort of... We have concrete proof, dudes. We can both agree that I successfully flipped. Really great, right? No, you did. Well, I did a successful flip as good as I possibly could have. Now, hold on. And I didn't achieve my goals. Now, Jesta, it was not as good as you possibly could have. It was a success, Travis. It was a success. I successfully impressed them with my flip. But you can get a 70% on a test and still pass, my dude. Hey, listen, Travis, you can have your win, but I'm shifting your narrative. Okay, right? No, I love it. But you win, but pacifism in this world doesn't work. You've communicated that to me, okay? Thank you for clarifying in this world, Justin. I really appreciate your clarification that this is not a reflection of pacifism in our world, but in the world of Adam. Well, because robots may or may not have souls in our world, people. I'm not gonna make that decision. Newton, you are at... Who's left? Among the bad guys. You have a guard to your north and one little way away from you who has just finished buckling up his pants. It was such a successful pantsing. He has really taken his sweet time getting those slides. It was a good pantsing. Somehow in the pantsing, his pants ended up backwards. It's a molecular pants. Yeah, yeah, and then you have two behind the desk. You have the two that were just surprised by the graceful flipping of Lamar. You have two knockdown robots to the north of Loveless. Okay, I am going to combine, I don't know if you've ever done this, I'm going to combine a skill to pay the bills and a Mondo move. I mean, the reason no one's ever done this is because it's explicitly not the rules of the game. Well, I don't see it in front of me. Just hear me out, hear me out. Dad's inability to see the rules does not constitute the non-existence of a rule. Is it? Dad is doing sort of like Schrodinger's rule. Also a little bit like a little kid covering their eyes and now you can't see them kind of thing. Which works. I want to, whoa. It does, whoa. I'm going to do everything as a playground where if something could be slid on, swung from, climbed up or otherwise played upon, this guy could do it. I'm going to slide across the desk and kind of leap up and come down on the two stunned guys. Okay. And I'm going to yell out a distracting catch phrase. Okay. While attacking, to potentially stun them. So before you give me the catch phrase, I'm going to have you roll that everything is a playground check. Whether you succeed or not, you will still have to say the catch phrase. I know, I know. Okay. All right, so. Give me the 48 everything's a playground roll. And we don't have time to shine dice, right? No, these guys do not need them. Okay. I have three sevens. Unbelievable. I mean, like absolutely, I would question roll 20 at this point, right? Like, yeah. No, I know, insane. It's crumbling. Because I got a good roll. I'm screen- No, dad, it's not that. Two triple sevens in the same screen shouldn't happen, man. That's the magic of animals, my friend. All right. Dad. Yes. It's like your feet are the 90s hit sensation soaps. Where your shoes are allowing you to grind on the edge of the desk. Moving with perfect accuracy. And it's that kind of like, we keep doing a close up shot on you. And even though the desk is only like, you know, the 10 feet in circumference, you seem to be grinding on it for a good long time, giving you plenty of time to execute the perfect catchphrase. One way or another, you are gonna land on these guys. Yep. And do some damage to them. But now hit me with that classic catchphrase that's gonna seal the deal. Slides the last second. He bump, he kind of bumps with his feet, goes up in the air, comes down on him, shell first, and says, I'm gonna introduce you to Newton's law of gravity. That's so good, dad. Give me a 5D8 roll for that distracting catchphrase. Here we go. I predict five, seven. And I got a six, an eight, and a five. Yeah, man, with three successes, you come down on them hard, shell first. They were already stunned partially by the low marks flip, and then even more so by your amazing grinding. And then you land on them and they just go flying. The concussive force combined with the amazing catchphrase is not only going to stun them for a turn, but leave them incapacitated. They are now out of the fight, effectively reducing the threat quite a bit. And then the elevator doors open, and some high-tier security guards enter. You see four half-man, half-rinoceros security guards and some pretty beefy combat gear enter into the room via the elevator. And we are going to jump back to Lyle and Roger and Navy. Did you guys see my closure with my dad? Did you guys see that? Big moment, I thought. Yeah, man. You didn't see it. You guys weren't even in there. No, no, no, no. I was really thinking about the fighting, man, for sure. We've felt it. We've felt it in our hearts. And you finally rose up and became a man. See all. See all. It's just, yeah. Okay, well, okay, that's good enough. Yeah, I mean, I guess it was a personal moment. I remember I could hear everything because, you know, we had our comms on and I, you know, I speak fluent. Or, or, or, or. Yeah, no, I mean, yeah. Yeah, or, or, or, or. You speak to me. As you. I speak Tim Allen. Yeah, yes. Do you regret speaking Tim Allen just in general? I doubt there's things in there that human beings were meant to understand. You know, I think in the Santa Claus phase, maybe be all right. Cause that's a little bit early. Yeah. Okay. As you make your way to the great leading to the next four, you can hear voices and like a sense of like disinfectant and like a very industrial kind of sense. If you want to get into the next four, you can hear the sound of the car. I mean, I think it's a very industrial kind of sense. If you want to give me a butcher's role as I am now considering them to be, anybody can take a peek out through the gate and see what you can see. Oh guys, that was such an idea. I mean, that to be a rhyming couplet because I love it. I didn't mean to be, but I really enjoyed it. Two successes of five and a seven. Yeah. With two successes, your bug eyes poke up through the great there. And you can see only two of them are currently occupied. One contains a fairly rough looking, a former RFC agent. Gosh, with darn it. The other contains a chlorophyllis that you haven't seen in some time. Geez. Looking none of the other ones. I mean, I'm not sure if you can see it. I mean, I'm not sure if you can see it. I mean, I'm not sure if you can see it. I mean, I'm not sure if you can see it. I mean, I'm not sure if you can see it. I mean, in some time looking none of the worse for where there are two guards kind of scratching their head and looking at chlorophyllis and quite a bit of confusion. They're backs to you. What do you do? Roger is going to try to sneak. Is the room to sneak behind the container that's holding? Gosh, not not to keep it. Yeah, gosh. No, I mean, not really. The whole thing sells is kind of hard to see the map, but I like all side by side set into the walls. All right, guys, quick huddle, right? We got to leave chlorophyllis locked up. Right. We can all agree. No, no. I feel definitely though, like, hey, hey, we can't really talk to her, right? We'll blow our cover. Well, I feel a sort of moral obligation to sort of give those RCF guys a heads up. I know that they're sort of our enemy right now, but she'll kill them. And it's not even like fun like being there. Not like a fun sort of key. Honestly, I don't think I don't think the kids have to listen to whatever chlorophyllis would do. She's like she is following the rules of like another dimension. And that's got to do something for gosh, though, right? Yeah, we do at least doing that. OK, Roger's going to rush right at the two guards. All right. All right. No, wait, hold on. Hold on. I got to understand. So OK, so we're like talking and we're like, all right, we got to go with the plan and we just watched Roger go. Like, what's out? Is that what? OK, perfect. That's what I understand. Make sure I understood. He's going to use Scourge of the China shop in close quarters, whirling like a dervish, wrecks everything. OK, sick. Give me a 5D arrow. Except where chlorophyllis is. Yeah, she's sealed in the containment unit. Like you would have to actively work to open that up. Give me a 5D arrow, Clint. Oh, my God. How many practice makes perfect points do I get for a one or two, a one, a two and a five? Still just the one point. You are able to make it over to them without being noticed. But you basically impact one of them, knocking him to the side and the other one turns on you. Is he attacking? Yes. But if there's something quick you want to do, you have a six. Yes, there is. There is. Not you. You did your thing. I just have something to say. Oh, excuse me. All right. That's good. It's a six. Like it was an accident. Yeah, that's good, man. That's two hits, one of which is an eight, which cannot be blocked. So you're going to take a point of damage. And the other one got knocked back. So he's stunned for a second. What about the other two of you? Are the other cells in this room, are they all shut and locked? Does it appear? Give me a bug-eyed roll to check that out. A bug-eyed roll coming right up. One success. They are all shut, but it's unclear to you whether the locks are engaged or not. All right. I'm going to pop out of the hole and try to restrain the other guard, the one that just attacked, just sort of wrap my big seal arms around him so that we can have a conversation. Okay. Give me a bug-eyed roll. Okay. Yeah, I don't really have a ton to help out. No, that's three failures. Two, three, two. Uh-oh. Yeah, you attempt to restrain him, but he turns quickly doing some tricky maneuvers there and restrains you. Oh, God, I hate when they do that. Oh, I just watched him flip on the map trap. That was messed up, man. So unnecessary. That's to show you that he's like, what? Ha, what? And he's got you now. Oh, man, it's a shame that there's only two of us who tried to get in here. It's a shame that we're just a pair and we got no one else to help. Uh, I am going to try to stealthfully free goshwood darn it. Hmm. Okay. I'm trying. They're very much occupied. I'm looking for the big green release button on his cell. I'm going to try to let him out. Okay, I'm going to give you extreme exfiltration roll because this environment is in danger. Yeah, no kidding. From me. So that's 5D8. I will say it sort of puts it in stark contrast how down on the first floor we are absolutely obliterating a room full of dudes as the green back guardians and oh man. Man. Yeah, so that's one. That's a triple three. Triple three. Triple three and a seven. A seven and a triple three. Good. And a four. Good job. So with a mixed success, you are able to hit the green button on the exterior of the containment unit to pop open the doors. But in doing so, you are grabbed by the other guard. So now, while you are being held, he's going to attempt to choke you out. Oh boy. Okay. Oh, if you win in, I have a Mondo move, blubber shield when in reach of a teammate who's received damage from an enemy, Navy seal can place his big body in harm's way, taking the damage off instead. So I'm just going to slide my own throat into where he, I'll just sort of clamber below Axlile and pop upwards and put my own throat in where the choking was going to happen. Okay, great. Because that's four damage. You have a damage reduction of one thanks to your body armor. So you only take three points of damage. Oh, oh, oh. Can I just say? Your neck is huge and it's impressive how you're managing to really get all the way around it. Thanks. I do yoga. Hey man, I know you've always been self conscious about your incredible fat neck and I just want to say this time, your big fat neck saved my life. Yeah, Roger, a little help. You got it. Roger uses his prehensile power and uses his tail to bind the one attacking. Okay, great. Yeah, give me, give me that role. That's 3D8. 3D8. Now I'm getting to figure this game out. Mix success in eight and a three. With the mix success, you're able to pull him away, but he is not restrained. So maybe you can breathe once more. Great. And gosh, gosh, steps out of the holding cell and it's going to attempt to clock the guard to the west. I didn't know which way that was going to swing. Oh, that is absolutely exactly what I expected from gosh. Yeah, a huge, huge flopper. Yeah, that's three failures. He's going to absolutely whiff. You can see that he is quite the worse for where maybe just a little bit sleep deprived. He whiffs and kind of falls past the guard. These two rank and file security guards are absolutely taking us apart. Upstairs, our elders are laying waste to the stars. And we're down here like trying to punch the janitor in his stomach and he keeps backflipping over us. You hear chlorophyllus say through the bars, can you need some help? Absolutely not. I could have helped you. Absolutely not. Okay, it just looks like you guys are having a really rough time. Everyone, just look away. And I'm going to try and just like push the guard that is on me backwards like into the gate, into the door to chlorophyllus' cell. I'm not going to let chlorophyllus out, but I figured. But you're taking a, but you know where a failure is going to go, Griff. I give you whiff. No, for sure. Yeah, give me a bulky boy to push that guard back. Or you can do hydropobulsion if you want to like blast him that way. Oh yeah, of course. Yeah, I'll just like point the nozzles forwards and open around. Yeah, do you hear the trapeze just late? I cannot believe. Go ahead. I am not. I refuse to let fear guide me in my actions. That's a cowabunga. Hot she mod, she griff. Yeah, with a cowabunga. She blasts backwards into the iron bar door of this containment unit and immediately chlorophyllus is on him and you see from her fingers like all of these vines come out and wrap him against the door and kind of lift him off his feet. I'm really sorry. You were really tough and we couldn't beat you. Honorable warrior. And even though these vines have like completely bound him, you can still hear him like muffled from within as she starts to like decorate him with little flowers and everything growing. So it looks like he has a smiley face on as he's like very clearly upset inside these vines and you get the distinct impression they're getting tighter. Phyllis. Phyllis. I just want to make sure I'm holding him. No, you've got him. Is the trachea an important part of the restraining sort of apparatus? Phyllis. Just one. Phyllis, listen. Yeah. The kids are listening. Oh. So I should like make it fun. Quick and painless. And consume. You've got to consume the body fertilizer style or don't do anything. Oh, of course. Yeah, like you've got to use the whole thing, man. Don't let it even go to waste. How's the other security guard looking now then? He's freaked out. Yeah. Can't imagine why. And starting to back away. I can't imagine how he thought his day would go. Yeah. We can't let him get out of here. Guys, he's creeping. Someone do something. I will. Okay. I throw hatchet man, but first I disconnect the blade and throw hatchet man at his legs. Just a stick. Wow. Really reductive Griffin. I think I was pretty clear about what was happening there. I disconnected hatchet man's hatchet attachment. Right. It's a cutting attachment and because if I miss, I don't want this to be a big deal. Okay. That's all. Is there any chance that the stick or handle of the hatchet is red? Just ask. Yeah. I mean, it is. It is obviously. Yes. Okay. Okay. So I'll throw the hatchet handle attachment at the legs of this guard to try to stop them. Okay. Give me a 48 roll. Come on, juice. Wow. Wow. Yeah. That's four failures without the. But that's why, but like guys, can we just say that is a two, a three, a three, a two. It's a huge failure, but. It's a very simple. That man's going to keep his feet. Yeah. That man's keeping his feet today and I'm still a hero because of that. And it's two pair. Without the hatchet attachment, the balance of the throw is way off. It goes flying wide and knocks open the door to the containment area, making it easier for him to escape. Gosh, what? Or redeem yourself, man. This is your chance. I've always believed in you, gosh, what, despite how many times I've vocally said that you can't do anything right. Your, your belief sustains me. And he's going to charge at the guard and attempt to tackle him. Gosh, yeah. Yeah. He got cowabunga two sixes and a seven. Gosh, what you did it. He tackles the guard and almost like roping a calf, right? And one smooth move has like his hands bound and his zip tie behind his back has his like baton and a radio removed and stands up and goes, time. What do you mean? How long were you guys timing? No, man, you didn't say we should. Oh, four point seven. Four point seven. A new record. Oh, and he sits down. Just took it out of you. Yeah. Okay. One act. I have not slept in like 36 hours, guys. You haven't contributed in 36 episodes. So happy that you finally did something. Huh? Okay, cool. Man, do you want me to cut him loose? No, no, no. Can I tuck him into the cell that gosh was you absolutely can. And, cool, fellows, don't look back. Yeah, the muffling is getting. Yeah, it's muffler. His upset sounds in vernacular. It's gnarly. I'm going to walk over and try to get him out. Oh, I don't want I don't I can't have this on my conscience. I think that if we can have a lot of fun here, but I think leaving someone to be killed is not it's simply not animals stuff. So don't leave people around to be choked by plant ladies kids. And now you know. Make not making it sometimes making a choice in and of itself. Might I suggest Griffin. Yeah. Blasting her with the splash splash. Yeah, I was thinking I say. Phyllis, I know you're probably struggling without water and sunlight and nutrients. Yeah, I know that that probably give you some nutrients. What if I give you some water instead? Will you let him go? Yeah. OK, yeah. Deal. OK, you wouldn't have to have like a sun lamp or anything. Would you? Sun lamp. Let me check my inventory. My inventory is completely empty. Oh, geez, I have nothing Phyllis. But I can try to blast a hole in the wall for like sunlight to come in through. Oh, that would be amazing. Or oh wait, there's just a window here. I open the window. Wish we'd seen that before. Yeah. OK, yeah, window plus water, I think we'll do it. OK. Yeah, I water. I water chlorophyllis and I would like to put the the garden the other the cell with the guy that. Yeah, the vines release from the garden. That's the things I've seen. Yeah. Please lock me away from her. Yes, you'll be in here Phyllis. We will definitely send someone for you. And I hope you get the help you need. That's it. That's it. That was the end of it. That's it. That's it. Message. That's the whole message. OK. Well, you can see the. I actually goes over and checks the lock where we're done. Yeah, she's secured in there. OK, good. I just want to double. OK, good. All right. You see a another great you assume leading to the next level over in the southeast corner. And gosh, it says I. I don't know that I have that I'll be much help if I go with you, but I can. I share those. There's something I share those same concerns. Gosh. OK, how do you know I on chlorophyllus? I have this like pit in my stomach feeling that chlorophyllus is going to be our our drivel like next season. So if you could just keep an eye on that and make sure that she doesn't escape because that she scares the crap out of me. Yeah. And like if she has someone to blame at this point, I'm pretty sure that is fully shifted to us. Yeah, and then you should team up with something out on me. I promise I'll keep her in herself. Oh, you're going to beef it, but that's fine. We have both other fish to fry. Let's go. And you make your way through the grape. Guys, I got a mattress from Lisa, the luxury hybrid, and it is changing my life. First, I'm going to say first of all, it lays flat like this. Yeah. A lot of beds that I have had in the past are at a 45 degree angle or worse Dracula style 180. Yeah. So the Lisa mattress is flat, which we love. The next that is a hundred and eight. I do just want to say that the flat is a hundred and eight. It's way longer than my body. OK. So I have a lot of beds in my head and feet dangle off of them like a child like Will Ferrell in the film Elf. Yeah. Elf beds. This is not like that. This bed is bigger than my body, which is incredible. But it's thin like a tissue. No, no, it's comfortable like a million. Whoa. Sorry. It says here, don't compare it to a million. No, it's got airy. It's got aerated foam channels and an ultra breathable dual spring system. It's like sitting in between the balance of foam and spring. It's like living in the in the middle in the space. It's the perfect balance that in the shadow lands. And yeah, it can keep you cool. They got a chill hybrid too. If you want to go a little bit cooler like me, it's cooling, luxury quilt top. If you want. Yeah, exactly. I'm a chill hybrid. Yeah. Half Travis, half electric. Go to Lisa.com for 20% off mattresses plus get an extra $50 off with promo code adventure exclusive for our listeners. 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Are you J K Simmons? And it tests you and if it's not, then it'll be like get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here. This is for J K only it says. Wow. So for a limited time, Tempo is offering my listeners 60% off your first box. Go to tempomeals.com slash adventure. That's tempomeals.com slash adventure for 60% off your first box. TempoMeals.com slash adventure rules and restrictions may apply. Hey, a couple quick announcements too before we get back to the episode. We've got a bunch of cool stuff over at macroemerge.com. If you haven't checked it out, you need to go through that. 10% of all merch proceeds this month will be donated to Border Angels. Macroemerge.com, check that out. Also Griffin's book, The Stowaway is out now to choose your own adventure adventure. Go to bit.ly slash griffinstowaway and get all the information there or find it at a local bookstore. Thank you, Travis. You're welcome, Griffin. And Justin's great too. He does cool things. Whatever. All right. Back to the show. Hey, what's up, everybody? My name is Mark Gagliardi and I host We Got This with Mark and Hal on the Maximum Fund Network. Would you like to introduce yourself as well? My name is Jesse and I am from Minneapolis, Minnesota. Hi, Jesse from Minneapolis, Minnesota. Jesse, you are our Maximum Fund member of the month. I'm so delighted to hear that I'm the member of the month. Thank you. Is there a first episode that you remember? The pretzel shape episode. Yeah. That's pretty classic. Both of us just killed off each other's answers and went with pretzel rod, which is clearly not the best. No, that is a terrible pretzel. As our member of the month, you have a parking spot at Maximum Fund headquarters as well as a $25 gift card to the Maximum Fund store. We say it at the end of the episode. We wouldn't do it without you and we couldn't do it without you. So thank you for that. You're welcome. Become a Max Fund member now at Maximumfund.org slash join. Hello. Hello, I'm calling on behalf of the Beef and Dairy Network podcast. No, I'm sorry. No sales calls. Goodbye. It's a multi-award winning podcast featuring guests such as Ted Danson, Nick Offerman, Josie Long. I don't know what a Josie Long is and anyway, I'm about to take my mother into town to see Phantom of the Opera at last. You are wasting my time and even worse, my mother's time. She only has so much time left. She's 98 years old. She's only expected to live for another 20 or 30 years. Mother get your shoes on. Yes, the orthopedic ones. I don't want to have to carry you home again, do I? Right. Well, if you were looking for a podcast... Mother, you're not wearing that, are you? It's very revealing, mother. This is a musical theater, not a Parisian bordello. Simply go to Maximumfund.org. I'm reaching for my Samsung Galaxy 4 as we speak. Mother! Mother, not that hat! Let's jump back down to the RCF lobby. The big Rhino men. Charge at the closest one. That's gonna be you, Loveless. Um, that sucks. Yeah, attempting to plow right into you. Alright, so... That's good. Honestly, it's been getting complicated controlling two characters, so... Yeah. I mean, this may be it, gang. Let's see. Oh, wow. Okay, so the first one, it's four hits. What's your damage reduction? Two. That's Loveless. Okay, yeah, so you're gonna take two damage on that one. Okay. And then the second one is five hits. And I block two? And you block two, so that's three damage on that one. Loveless goes down. I'm at zero hit points. Wait, wait, wait. Human tortoise shield is an ability that I have. One of my Manda moves that I would love to deploy right now. Go for it. I mean, I'd love that too. If I'm within ten feet of an ally when they're attacked, he can attempt to place himself between them and the attacker, taking the attack on himself. The symmetry of this moment I really like. It's a beautiful moment. It's beautiful. Okay, yeah, give me sixty-eight. Oh my god, I've never seen so many green dice before. Good lord. Wow! Yeah, man. That, including a Kalabanga, you got a seven, a five, an eight, a six, and a six. Jeez. Like the flipping wind, you are able to jump between the second attacker and Loveless. And your damage reduction is four, so you take one hit, but mostly from the concussive impact on your shield. Guys? And in fact, with that Kalabanga, I'm going to say that two of the damage is reflected back at the Rhino, who kind of takes that impact on himself upon, like, bouncing off the shield. Excellent. Where do I end up? Guys, I was wrong. Pasephism does work. Where do I end up? Well, it's a mixed, it's a mixed bag, actually, is where I'm at right now. Sometimes you got to be a pacifist, and sometimes you don't. You are bounced back into the area of the kind of semicircular desk here with a line between you. Okay, with these two non-Rhinogards. Correct. Who are out, right? Are they knocked out? No, those two are still in. No, they're not. I get knocked back, like, sort of into those two, and I look at one, and I say, hey, hold this for me. And I hand him, from my chemistry belt, a little ticking bomb, and I'm going to duck out of the way as it goes off, and splats out a bunch of sticky glue foam. Yes! Okay, give me a 5d8 roll. Three successes, 8, 5, and a 7. Yeah, with three successes, you are able to pull this off with a plomb. The two of them are stuck to the ground with a sticky glue foam, and it lands upon their feet, pinning them to the ground. Okay, great. I'm going to look at, I'm going to look at Lamar and be like, you got this, right? Like all the rhinos? You're good, right? Yeah, I'll just let him keep hitting me, man. Okay, great. No, wait, that's the other one. Hold on. Yeah, I'll just let him keep hitting me. Okay, great. I'm going to use shell cover, can pull limbs and head into shell to try to avoid attacks and other threats. Loveless being sort of the brainiest of the Greenback Guardians, I think, kill him once, shame on you. So I'm going to take a defensive position here if that's okay. Okay, so we're going to hold on that and say that you've done that, and then you'll roll the 3d8 when the damage is done. Yeah, I got you. Let's see what you can deflect. Newton, you stand from having used your concussive shell force to knock out some dudes. You can see these four rhino guards to the north, two of them directly on the mar. The other two kind of spread out more behind them. And it's your turn. What do you do? Are the two robot guards still in play? They are, they're knocked down, they're kind of struggling, like appropriately, turtles on their backs. Okay, Newton's going to use break dancing to use his shell, an extremely thick skull. He's real good at smashing stuff up and just crash right into the two rhinos. Okay. Which two rhinos? The ones that are attacking Lamar? Yes. Okay. Okay, that's the 68 roll. Yes, it is. Gosh, I got to have some good break dancing music. No, you can't have a second character that requires music to do something. Well, you wrote the description, pal. Yeah, no, I actually just texted Matt Mercer and he said you're not allowed to do that. Four successes. Two sixes and eight and a five. Yeah, with the cowbung you slam into the two on Lamar, like spinning the whole way, you pop up in your head, you're doing some amazing break dancing moves that any break in fan would be proud of. With that success, you knock them both away, giving you and Lamar some room to maneuver. Let's jump back up to the other boys. You find yourself in a fancy executive washroom. Now we are talking. There's a little like tray of mints and mouthwash on the sinks. You see like warm towel dispensers. There's a shower. There's a couple different urinals and toilets, including toilets specially designed to accommodate any animal with all 16 attachments. Gross. I mean, Roger grabs a handful of the mints and puts him in his pocket. I need to stop giving that a chance to just scrounge. You got to remember, Trev, you're playing like a role playing game and dad's playing an adventure game. You know what I mean? Like you're you're in the story. Dad's just like picking up whatever forks and cups he can get his hands on. He might combine those mints with a pulley and a rubber chicken and then use that to disarm a nuclear bomb. I know, Justin. Yeah, he knows. LucasArts presents. But the question is why? He's McWiver. Is there a shower in here? There is. OK, we've been crawling through vents for a while. I'd say I'm going to just freshen up real quick because like, I don't know, if this is going to be like a big standoff, like big hero moment and make the news like I want to be my best. So I'd like to hop in the hop in the shower real quick. And I guess I can just kind of use the splash pack and just like open her up for like four seconds to just like really, really detail myself. Anybody else want to use the bathroom or powder the nose or take a shower or anything? I have a bad brush. I have a bad history in restrooms so far in this game. And I don't know. I'm so glad you said in this game. Release. Yeah, I'm not ready to release. Hey guys, I just need a second to moisten up. And I'm just going to moisten up. Yeah. My skin has to stay pretty moist. Do you want to conserve water by hopping in the shower with Navy or wait your turn? No, I'd rather be in the sinks. I'd rather use the sinks. OK, two sinks at the same time to moisten up. Well, then when I'm moistened up, I usually prefer two sinks at once for moistening. OK, then Roger's going to take a sneak peek outside. I'm just going to look through. I'm glad you didn't take a sneak peek at me moistening up. Now, I had to add on to the rest of that sentence to save my mind. Thank you. Just to kind of sunshine. I'm going to do the butcher block and like you said. It's not right there. Butcher paper or butcher? Yeah, just a butcher. Where does the butcher? OK, I'm going to do a butcher just to see what the scene is outside. OK, I don't see any skills that would help you with this. So just a 2D8 roll. 2D8 roll. One and a one. How are we looking out there, Rog? I don't see a problem. You can't get the door open. You're like pulling on it and it's a push door. And by the time you figure it out, the other two are done with their freshening up. I would say two ones. I ought to get two practice makes perfect. No, just the one. All right. Do we get anything for freshening up? You feel good about yourself. OK, great. Cool. It might come into play later. We'll see. OK. All right. All right. Are we on the top floor? Can we tell? Is there another? OK. Thank you, then, Floor. Gang, I just want you two to know that being a part of this team has really helped me figure a lot of stuff out. And I know that we're about to go into a pretty messy situation that is, if I'm being completely honest, definitely above our pay grade. But I wouldn't want to do that kind of heroic final mission with any two other animals. You guys are good eggs. And I'm ready to face the unknown with y'all. Lyle probably was an egg at some point. Isn't that the way it works with Lyle? Well, yeah. Wait. Do axolotls come out of eggs? I mean, they do in Minecraft. I don't remember, because I was like a baby, you know? Yeah. I don't remember. Do you remember the moment of your birth, Roger? Because that's fascinating, if so. Actually, I do. My mother was a herford. And, you know, all the herfords gathered. No, I don't remember any of it. OK. So not superdraman to the moment. Let's do our best out there, guys. It's all we can do, right? You have become a natural leader, my friend. Oh. And do you make your way out? I mean, can I? Hey, listen, I do not want to be the type of guy that, like, you feel like I have to check your work, but do you mind if I have a quick butchers outside, just to, like, sort of confirm your own butchers? Just to double down on it? Well, I was kind of piling up the failure points, but take your shot. Yeah, I would love to look through this door before we go through it. Yeah, go for it. Cowbunga 7-7. Yeah, with a cowbunga, you can see the whole office. It's going to move us over there so you can see what we're looking at. So here you can see an executive, very fancy office, the main section of which is quite large. Opposite which, you see a room separated off by three glass doors that are all currently closed. Inside, you see Carver strapped to a hospital bed with lots of machinery, scanning him, an IV that is connected into his forearm, but you also see what has a similarity to almost like a dialysis or like something that someone would use for like plasma collection, kind of pumping in and out. There's some monitor set up in there, a couple of different tables with different, you know, equipment and stuff on it. Otherwise, the office is unoccupied, but you can also see behind the desk, taking up almost the entire wall to the north and aquarium. So your kind of general geography of the building would let you know that this area is about a third of the top floor and then the aquarium behind it takes up the other two thirds of the top floor with a giant glass partition separating the office from this huge saltwater aquarium teaming with life. Above us or behind? I'm above the office or behind the office, you said. Yeah, the north wall of the office. Okay, yeah. So do we see any other people in here? No, otherwise unoccupied. All right, this is our chance. Let's get him, free him, regroup with the other guardians and get the heck out of here. Roger, we'll follow your lead, man. Very well. Roger is going to, just before going through the door, we already know he sucks at what you're blocking. I mean, we know exactly what's in that. Yeah, he got a cowabunga. What's in that room is what I told you. Okay, Roger makes his way over to the cell and examines how the door is locked, checks the mechanism. Yeah, so without having to roll, I mean, you can see it clearly that there's like a key card swipe and a number panel next to it that it seems to be secured with some kind of like code or, you know, a key card would get you in there as well. Would the helicar hack work to get past all that? You could try. I will try the helicar hack. Pull out the pocket watch with a little cow face on it, connect to the device, and I am going to use two time to shine dice. Wow. Excellent, that's a 5 to 8 roll to open this door. Guys, I'm really tense about this. I'm very nervous. Yeah, can I, as this is going down, can I take up sort of a overwatch position like here by the door just in case anyone does to kind of try to come in to... Now that I see that we've sort of got the all clear, I would like to sort of like be in position in case anyone else tries to come in through the south entrance here. Yeah, go for it. Okay. Okay. Juse, do you want to position yourself somewhere? I'm in front of the aquarium blending in perfectly with the aquarium. Wow, that is a heck of a roll, Mac. Yeah, 7, 8, 5, 7. Yeah, with that four successes including a cow bonga, you are able to hack in deftly into the security system here and the doors slide open. The light remains green, and this kind of medical area is now open to you. While I'm plugged in, while Roger is plugged in, is there any way that he can use this computer interface to check on all the things that are plugged in to... I think since you've got a cow bonga, if you want to roll again, you can, but the security system is not inherently connected to the medical system, so it's only going to be 3D8 to check. Okay. Wow. Two sixes. Yeah. So with another cow bonga, you are able to tap into this medical system as well, going through a complicated system of wires and diodes and whatnot. God, Travis, your hacking lingo is like really silly. Yeah, man, you go through all the vacuum tubes, all the neon pipes. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And it's like in Bioshock where you have to connect the tubes together to make the thing flow through. Yeah, you hack it real good. And you get a full readout that they're at like 95% of dissecting whatever this combination of radiation and chemicals in Carver's DNA is that they are preparing the final test, but you are also, you get a readout detailing the latest test and that combined with just now that the doors are open, you can see a glowing green burrito sitting on a table to the north of Carver in this clinical room labeled Test Version 52 and a note in the medical record showing that they're getting close with this, but this only provides a beef up for an hour. Is that a burrito in there? Oh, sorry. No, can you get Carver out of there, Roger? We're like in defensive positions. Yes, I think I can. Let me disconnect him and then I'll just wheel him out on the bed. What kind of condition is he in? Is he out of it? Not great, but it seems to be, and you found this out through hacking the medical records there, that IV that he's hooked up to is a combination of saline and a drug that is keeping him sedated. I'm going to disconnect him and just wheel him back out into the main part of the office. You pull the sensors and IV from him and somewhere in the building, not too far away, you can hear some alarms start to beep. Okay, that's the... Should we grab that magic burrito also? Because it looks pretty crazy. I'm surprised I haven't grabbed it already. Yeah, I was going to say, I just assumed you would grab the magic burrito, what with your proclivity for grabbing stuff. Actually, I'm going to take the burrito and throw it. Can I throw it to Axel Isle because my hands are going to be pretty full moving to bed. Baby, if there's one thing I could do, it's catch a burrito. Okay. Do I have to do a move for that, Traver? Can I just toss it? I'm going to say, as funny as it would be for you to fail and smack him in the face with a glowing green irradiated magic burrito, I'm going to say that you are able to toss it with little effort. Okay. And we are able to wheel, Carver into here and you hear footsteps coming from down the hallway. Sorry, do I have the burrito now? Yeah. You have the burrito now. Okay. Do I have to roll first roll? No. It's not does balance. I know that this burrito looks almost identical to the burrito from the Greenback Guardian's origin story. Exactly what they are trying to recreate here. And the door slides open to the office, revealing the walrus. And it is none other than billionaire philanthropist, Walter Russell. What? What? What a turnaround. Wait. From before? Well, Walter Russell. Why didn't I put it together earlier? Friends, I beg of you, don't spoil this twist for your fellow Taz Abnerbals fans. Please do not reveal this secret. I'm going to show you a new version of the game. I'm going to show you a new version of the game. I'm going to show you a new version of the game. I'm going to show you a new version of the game. I'm going to show you a new version of the game. 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