Scheduled Sex: Hot or Not? | Szn. 4 Ep. 15

Hi, it's Dr. Jen Kennedy. I'm a sexologist and couples therapist. The Pleasure Project is about sex and relationships. That includes desire, dysfunction, dissatisfaction, exploration, toys and trends. Sometimes I'll enlist other experts. Sometimes it'll just be me. We'll increase your insight and enhance your pleasure. So tune in. One of the most common suggestions therapists make to couples who are struggling with intimacy is something that many people initially hate, scheduled sex. The reaction is usually pretty predictable. Isn't that the least sexy idea imaginable? If we have to schedule sex, doesn't that mean that the passion is gone? But here's the reality. In long-term relationships, intimacy often gets pushed aside. By work, kids, stress and exhaustion. Scheduling connection can actually protect the relationship by signaling something important. We matter enough to make space for this. It can also reduce conflict, especially for couples where one partner wants sex more than the other one does. Instead of negotiation or disappointment, there's a shared structure and it supports something we don't talk about enough, responsive desire. Many people don't feel spontaneous desire out of nowhere. They start to feel desire after connection and arousal begin. So today we're talking about scheduled sex. Why it can work, the traps to avoid and how to do it in a way that still feels intimate and alive. So tune in. Welcome back. So today's topic is scheduled sex. This actually comes up pretty frequently with my couples. Specifically, is sexy or is it soulless? Because if sex is on the calendar, does that kill the romance? I'm not talking about the new couple, the ones that have been together for six months, three months, they're not scheduling it. They're just having it spontaneously. I'm talking about the people that have been together 10 years, 20 years. They're just trying to get it done. The people that have kids, the people that have lots of competing things going on, it's hard to have sex and have it keep going. And there's lots of reasons for that. I'm sure you understand if you're in this camp, because long-term couples rarely have spontaneous desire in the same way that they did when they were first together. And so I wanted to address this topic because I think it's affecting lots of couples and the busy lives kind of crowd out the intimacy. And so I think some people, like, they have the idea, but they feel some shame about it. And I want to just sort of circle back and unpack it with you today. So desire shifts across the lifespan. Like, that is normal. Kids, career hormones, stress, all kinds of things will impact that desire that used to come so easily. So scheduling, which some of us do more naturally. I am a scheduler. I love my calendar. I have everything mapped out for weeks and months. So scheduling one more thing like sex seems like a really good idea to me. Like, it just makes sense, feels easy. But for other people, they're like, no, that's not supposed to happen. It's supposed to be the spontaneous thing. Yeah, sometimes it is. And sometimes that feels very easy too. And sometimes weeks will go by, and it won't even occur to you. So scheduling has been this idea that has arisen and it comes up in the room and people start to feel mixed things about it. And so let's talk about it. So we schedule workouts. We schedule work meetings, certainly vacations, therapy sessions. But somehow we expect sex to just sort of run on its own, right? It's magic. It just sort of happens. You should have free zones and it should just appear to you as something that you want. And yet you've got all these competing things happening. So I just sort of want to compare it to these other things in your life that are quite practical. And yet you recognize that even though you want all these things, you do schedule them. So the cultural narrative is sometimes that like, if it's real, like if the desire is real, that it should just happen. And I want to push back on that a bit, because there's plenty of things like exercise or like friendship that are real that you do very much enjoy and you schedule. You drop them into your calendar. You know that you want them and you know that when you participate in them, you feel better. You enjoy them. And so you schedule them. So I'm going to put sex in that category too. So I think it definitely does help because sort of that Hollywood narrative that like the spontaneity just erupts and the wanting that just happens in early relationships will continue. It's really hard to access that once the everyday life stuff starts to creep in. And so scheduling sometimes can be really super helpful. A couple things happen, which I'm going to get into. One of the things I think that also is prohibitive and this sometimes gets brought up when I talk to my couples about it is the fear of obligation. Like if it's on the calendar that you're going to have to do it. What I will say is that first of all, when you schedule it, what does that even mean? What is sex? Like you can define sex however you want. It doesn't mean that you have to have like penetrative sex, right? You could have intimacy. I like to have it be a really broad definition of more like that the expectation is that you're going to have some sort of intimate time together. It might be a date. It might be some sort of, you know, like there might be some expectation of like touch or not, but like that there's some sort of clearing where there will be a shift in terms of the quality of time that you're spending together. So the obligation kind of lowers if you also have signed up for something that feels like it's going to be nurturing or like you're looking forward to it versus if it has to be this one thing and you've cornered yourself, then yeah, you might feel some dread going into it. The other piece of course, if you really don't want to, if you don't feel well, if you have had a horrible day, then there has to be some ability to say, you know what, I've changed my mind. I don't want this. That can't happen all the time or it defeats the whole purpose, but if there is generally a follow through, if you're the kind of person that follows through on what you have signed up for, it does work out well. But the fear of obligation I know for specifically avoidant people can feel like, I don't want to agree to this because if I agree to it, then I have to do it. Know yourself, understand what signing up for something typically does for you. I know that for me, when I sign up for something, I typically do follow through and it helps me just sort of orient myself toward the likelihood that it will happen. The other piece with that obligation is the anxiety about the pressure of performance. So hopefully this thing that you've signed up for actually just helps you with some preparation and doesn't cause you to be stricken with anxiety. It's more of like an orienting your mind towards this thing that is happening rather than having you have a wash of anxiety that you have to perform. Because in this partnership, this isn't a performance. This is a relational thing that's coming together for the two of you. If you can kind of frame it that way, then it doesn't feel so obligatory. It feels more like we've carved out this time to be together. And then it just feels like we've protected this time, kind of like we got a sitter on the calendar. So then we have a date coming and we know that we don't have to worry about the kids during this time. We get to have this time together, sort of like that mentality. So it tends to go better because you've protected that time and you know that you've earmarked it for time together. And that intimacy is more likely to occur, which feels for most people like a positive experience. So if you have to plan it, you must not really desire me as another thing that comes up for some couples that the planning somehow takes away the desire element. And I would actually turn that on its head and say, because you've planned this because you've earmarked this time because you've protected this time, you do actually care about me. You know, you plan dates for years and years and years you plan dates. Dates indicate that you have planned time with me, that you have intention of spending time together. So scheduling is not a bad thing. It shows caring, it shows intention, it shows that yeah, you have thought ahead. So realistically, as we are scheduled busy humans, planning is necessary. So I think that's really a function of we know what we want and desire also happens when we have structured our lives in a way where we have access and enough room to actually carry through with the things that we want and spend time with the people that we want to. So you can kind of also differentiate desire as a feeling and desire as a choice. So it's not necessarily just like you can flip a switch. I mean, some people can. Some people can have an image flash or have a memory flash and desire happens. But desire also happens from most people, especially women, when there are circumstances. And that might mean that stress is low, situations have cleared their calendar, there is a sitter, there is a couple of hours where there isn't responsibility, there is some anticipation about what's going to occur. Right? Like there's foreplay, things are happening to allow your brain to shift into this more curious, playful, desirous space. And that's what scheduling does for you. So I think it's a good thing. So desire as a feeling and desire as a choice, something that you have cultivated to allow you to move into this space. So looking at kind of how it creates anticipation, because I think so much of sex in general is about anticipation. It's not about the actual act because the act of an orgasm is over pretty quickly. Typically, I mean, it's a muscle spasm when you get right down to it that lasts at best a few minutes, but it's the anticipation, it's the lead up. It's like the journey is the anticipation. The destination is the orgasm, if you're lucky. So it's all the lead up, it's the flirtation, it's the dance, it's the body waking up, it's the blood flow. So it's the anticipation that is really erotic for most people. And so when you put the schedule on the calendar, it starts that into motion, I would argue. So I really like the scheduling idea. Now some people don't want that, that's okay. Maybe they can be pleasantly surprised. But for the schedulers or the people that are willing to entertain it, I think it's quite helpful. Also, once it's on the calendar, just like it puts something into motion I've found with like there's sometimes some flirtation. Maybe if you know that it's on the calendar, like it's date day, you might wear something different, you might eat something, you might eat differently knowing that like you've got this this date coming. There's little things that might happen. You might moisturize differently, you might make sure that you have enough, I don't know, just all of it enough sleep, I was thinking specifically, but there's all these things that go into motion if you know that you're likely to have a intimate experience. I feel like there's this psychological runway that happens and you used to do it when you were dating or when you were newly dating somebody, you're like, okay, this might happen, there might be a hookup that's going to occur. So I'm going to do a bunch of things that prepare me to have this intimate moment with somebody. Well, we do this less in longer term relationships, but I do feel like if it's scheduled, you might be doing that. And I don't know if it's shaving, I don't know if it's flossing, I don't know if it's lingerie, I don't know if it's music candles, I don't know, reservations, like there's just different things that might happen psychologically to have the interaction go well, I would hope so. So I think it changes things in the relationship and the way things go. Also, I will say that when you put a scheduled event like this on the calendar, I think it signals that we as a couple matter. I think it shows prioritization over kind of all the logistics that you have running through your life because most couples that I see are pretty high functioning, they have a lot going on, they're busy, they're busy, they're exhausted, they've got a lot going on. And so saying, hey, we're going to claim this time, we're going to claim this time together, we matter. So it protects the relationship in that way. It also reduces the conflict of who has to initiate because sometimes there's a little bit of a tug of war of like, this person always initiates, and that's a responsibility they carry. This person also has to decide whether they want to say yes or no in that dynamic. It sort of neutralizes that if one person is initiating, or one person is deciding if they want to say yes or no, if it's just on the calendar, then it's just sort of there. So it takes that dynamic out, it kind of neutralizes, which I think is really helpful for the desire discrepancy couple, where there's high and low desire or tends to be, we fall into those roles. It also moves it out of that like constant negotiation structure, where you're like, oh, should I say something, should I make a move, should I introduce this idea? Rather, it's just there. And then we're going to explore this, we're going to see what happens, both if you are coming in, it's like you're coming to the meeting with an agenda that's already been decided upon. It's not a surprise for anybody. So then it's about how do we show up for this, and how do we together have this exchange that will hopefully be pleasant for both of us. So I think another thing to consider in the scheduling is that it supports the responsive desire. Many people don't feel spontaneous desire. Many women especially have a harder time with responsive desire. And so I'm sorry, with spontaneous desire, meaning they just have it. And so if it's on the calendar, they know it's coming. It's not a surprise. They've sort of like oriented their mind toward it. And so they know it's there and it doesn't feel like a surprise. And it's like the runway is long enough that they have prepared themselves to go into it. They feel the desire after arousal begins, but their arousal has had all this notice. So it's really helpful to them. The high desire partner feels less rejection because they don't have to say, hey, what do you think about this? That part of it's already been taken out of the equation feels really helpful. The low desire feels less ambushed, right, because they're not getting approached and having to decide. So it's really helpful in both of those scenarios. So we're going to take a quick break, and then we're going to talk about traps to avoid a quick pause here to share something that I've been working on that I think you will really appreciate, especially if you've ever felt confused or disconnected from your sexual desire. It's a self paced course that I created for women who want a better understanding of their sexual desire, especially if it's felt confusing, inconsistent or hard to access. A lot of us are taught that desires should just be there, effortless, spontaneous, always on, but that is not the reality for most people. And when it's not, it can leave you feeling frustrated or like something is wrong with you. If you've ever felt turned on one day and completely disconnected the next, or if you've struggled to say what you really want sexually, if you're both excited by the idea of vibrant sex and hesitant about what that even looks like, this course is for you. Desire is complex. It lives in your brain just as much as your body. And in this course, I guide you through the understanding of your unique relationship to it without pressure, shame or performance. You'll get short videos and guided worksheets to help you map out your personal erotic template, identify what turns you on and off and what shuts you down, understand the blocks might be getting in your way, reconnect with your body, and you'll explore your sexual self with more confidence and curiosity. You can go at your own pace. You don't need to want more sex. You just need to want to know yourself better. So if this resonates, then head on over to pleasureproject.us and learn more and enroll in the course. Now back to the episode. Okay, so let's talk about some traps that can happen. Trap number one is performance deadline. So it's a window of time. It's not a contract, meaning that it has to be this exact time. Ideally, you set aside time, but it doesn't necessarily have to come at this particular time. Sometimes, there has to be some fluidity, some flexibility. Life happens and we don't always feel like showing up for what we had planned. Sometimes meetings get moved, sometimes workouts don't happen, sometimes friends cancel, sometimes partners cancel too. So have some flexibility. Of course, sometimes there's going to be a rain check. Ideally, we do stick to what we promised, but have some flexibility for things to look different than you had planned. And sometimes things will move and that can be okay, right? That there has to be a little bit of flexibility. Trap number two is the rigidity of the act. So sometimes people get really fixed on what they thought was going to happen in terms of the type of intimacy that was going to occur. And I say, let's really broaden the definition of sex. Because I find that if intercourse was the only expectation, then boy, you are likely setting yourself up for disappointment because I feel like that just can't happen every time. And maybe it doesn't happen most times. If the goal is broader in terms of intimacy, and that can look like nakedness, that can look like watching something together, or just exploring in various ways, being flirtatious, maybe only one of you gets off. I don't know. There's just a lot of different ways that intimacy can be built. And if there is more flexibility, there is a much greater likelihood that it's going to go well. So less rigidity, actually no rigidity would be ideal. The trap is the rigidity. So don't do that. The next one would be no emotional warm-up. So foreplay matters. And emotional foreplay is part of this just because it's on the calendar. It's not like a dental appointment where you're dropping back and then they're suddenly working on you. There is still warm-up. And it's going to be important for you to sometimes step out of your lives and step into this erotic space. And I like to sometimes use, I have a couple's check-in that I use called Thanos. But there's also other ways, like develop a ritual that you have with your partner for shifting away from your busy lives and interior, maybe interior erotic lives. Like how can you do that so that it feels good and so that you're starting to see each other again with clear eyes? Like how does that happen? Lastly, the trap of if there's other things going on, if there's unresolved trail or resentment or some sort of pain, you can't just wipe that away and pretend it didn't happen. Like that might need to get resolved first or addressed first. It's not like you're on a pass and you get to scoot all that away and then go back in and have unbridled intimacy. That might be your intimacy is taking some contained time to talk about the hard things. That would be okay too. I think that would be amazing. So recognize that maybe this is the time when you have the bigger conversations, but intimacy being the chief goal. So I like that scheduling used too. So some logistical stuff to look at this scheduling for intimacy and or sex is how often do you want to do it? I think weekly would be great. I think that's really frequent for a lot of couples who are busy. So maybe every other week, maybe that's more doable. So agree together, kind of what seems feasible and then try to stick to that and maybe try it out for a couple months and see what pacing feels doable so that you can actually name it. Also come up with what are we calling this and what are the expectations? Is this a pleasure date? Is this an intimacy building? Like what are the goals and expectations? Because if one of you is expecting a certain kind of sex, one of you is thinking we're just spending nice time together. If one of you makes sure that the parameters and expectations are known so that one person isn't feeling disappointed and resentful from the outset and then maybe do a debrief or check-in somewhere along the way so that everybody's on the same page. Make it intentional and not necessarily clinical. Of course I go to the clinical because that's who I am, but make it intentional is more important than superclinical. And you can always talk about this in couples therapy if that would be helpful to like initially set it up. I think having this be something that you do collectively can be really fun and most of the time couples are really interested and stoked on setting it up. Create, the next step I would say is create like a pre-ritual. Have maybe some sort of text during the day like is this happening? Just to kind of check in. What happens before? Are you having a meal? Are you having a shower? Are you like what is your transition into this space? Everybody's going to be different. Like what does your scheduled time look like and how do you transition versus a light switch? Because I think there's lots of cues that you're giving yourself psychologically that we're shifting into this space. And then how do you also accept the space? And lastly, I do think a debrief is helpful. So what felt good? What would you like in the future? And kind of what worked for you is a nice question. Not like rate your lover, but do it from a place more of like help me understand you better. Because a lot of lovers, a lot of partners have never asked that question from a strength-based place, not from an anxious place. But what would you like as we're creating this ritual? Not like rate me as a lover, but let's talk about how we make this better for both of us. So let's see anything you want more of next time or how can we fine tune this so that it goes better? It's a really, it's a strength-based question and it's an interesting question that I think helps both people feel like, okay, like how can we do this in a way that we'd want? It's like if you went on a trip with your friends and you asked that question at the end and everybody had input and you synthesized it so that the next trip was better still, right? That would be a good thing to do. So I think just asking those kinds of questions. So I'm so curious if you employ this whole idea of scheduled sex, how does it go for you? Do both partners want scheduled sex or does one person say, no way, I want the spontaneous side of things? In which case, you know, do they go along with it or are they surprised by it? So yeah, I just would love the feedback. Any comments would be super helpful in terms of your experience or your input and if you've enjoyed this, yeah, let me know. I'd love any sort of feedback or input. So thanks so much. And if you have other topics, then please let me know. I'm always open to hearing ideas or suggestions. Hey, it's Dr. Jen. Thanks for tuning in. If something in today's episode resonated with you, please take a moment to leave us a review and drop a comment. We'd love your feedback. It really helps support the podcast and keeps this content coming your way. If you're looking to dive deeper into pleasure, connection and self-discovery, check out my Pleasure Circle course where we explore these topics in a fun, guided way. I also write a weekly newsletter with articles, insights and inspiration to help you live a more connect, pleasure-filled life. And if you want to connect with me directly, you can message me on Instagram at Dr. Jen Kennedy or email me at drjenkennedy at gmail.com. I'd love to hear from you.