#757 - JEREMY (ADAM RAY) + MATT RIFE

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHenchcliffe.com for everything the golden pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Grand Man Company Live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas. For a brand new episode of Kill Tony, get it for Tony Hitchcock! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yippee! Thanks for Brian Randolph. We love that. And that is the best damn band in all of the land, everybody. You made it. You're here. You're at the number one live podcast in the world, brought to you by Blue Chew Talk, Space, and Shopify. We got a little hoot nanny in store for you. How are you guys feeling tonight? Good? Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. We live in Austin, Texas, but we are jumping in a tour bus, ladies and gentlemen, and we are taking the actual Kill Tony show to Houston, Texas, February 28th, and Dallas, March 28th. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com for tickets right now. Come see an actual Kill Tony show in the great state of Texas. One in Houston, February 28th. One in Grand Prairie, March 28th. TonyHinchcliffe.com. Get tickets now. Who's ready to start tonight's show, huh? Guys, every single week, I book one or two of the world's funniest human beings. One of the biggest comedians on planet Earth is with us tonight. One of my favorite humans. A guy who I can say I've literally basically watched grow up over the past decade and a half. And now he is a phenom. One of the biggest in the world. One of the best in the world. One of my favorites. Make some fucking noise for the one and only Matt Wright. Oh, yeah, baby. Boom. The man. The bitch. The legend. It's with us. Matt motherfucking Wright. On a Monday evening in Austin, Texas. Oh, yeah. Matt does arenas. He's doing Jacksonville, Louisville, all over. MattRaisofficial.com. How's it going, buddy? Good, man. Happy to be back in Austin. So good to see you. 48 hours. Thanks for having me. You're such a relief on my eyes. I'm used to looking at Red Band, and I get to look at you are just a specimen. Charming, good-looking. I mean, absolutely incredible. I'm in heaven here tonight. It's hospitality. I love this. You're damn right. Always. We've had so much fun in the past. You know how the show works, Matt. I have a bucket with about 300 comedians' names in it. It's absolutely incredible. I'm going to let this woman whose mother got kidnapped a couple weeks ago pick the first name out of the bucket. Good for you. A little special treat. You're getting away from all the stress, having a night out of laughter. Good luck with all that, by the way. If your name gets pulled out of the bucket, you know how it works. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted. That means their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. And you have to wrap it up then or else you bring up the angry West Hollywood bear, which just loudly interrupts their set. And then I conduct an interview. Anything can happen. The entire thing is improvised. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Well, we have a special treat for you guys. Normally, this guy would close the show. But tonight, he is opening the show. He is the record holder for all-time appearances on this show, all-time interviews. What a way to get things started. Some people call him the vanilla gorilla, the Memphis strangler, the big red machine. This is indeed the one and only William Montgomery. Give Epstein credit where credit is due. The guy had zero spam in his inbox. Meanwhile, StubHub emails me every hour asking, want to go to 17 concerts this weekend? I don't even get Viagra spam anymore. They're probably like, no, dog, this dude helpless. Don't even waste a digital stamp. Okay. Quick housekeeping note, probably not the best timing, but when I was in Tucson recently, somebody stole my Razor scooter. So, you know, any help from the local authorities would be greatly appreciated. Okay, that was that one. Let's keep moving. So the mother of a morning show host goes missing and all y'all freak out. Where were y'all when the old Blippi went missing? Oh, look, new Blippi. No explanation. No outrage. They replaced the Blue's Clues host and we stormed the Capitol. Okay, that's my time. Thank you. Exactly one minute of... I can only describe as pure insanity. Yeah, let's open the Blippi stuff. I finally got some stuff. I've been watching a whole bunch of Blippi recently, Tony. It's a children's show, and there's some new guy that is not the original Blippi anymore, but nobody's talking about it. What is Blippi? Blippi is a character in a children's television show. There's some new guy parading around as Blippi, but it's not the same Blippi, and it just pisses me off. It's like the woman on the fucking Today Show, her fucking mom's gone, and everybody's uproar with everybody. And Blippi, are you looking at who Blippi is? Yeah, we're trying to look up new Blippi. We're trying to follow this conspiracy of yours. Make some noise if you heard of Blippi before William talking about it. Oh, wow. Look at that. Matt looks like me and you are too busy. If you don't have kids, you know what that is. You're a fucking freak. That is true. That's great. Why are you watching this? I don't know. It makes me smile. It makes me laugh. I love it. It's better than Toddlers in Tiaras. I've been watching that a bunch recently. Seriously, no, but in a sweet way, because I think if I ever have kids, I want them to do that, I think. So that's why I've been watching it. You have to keep them calling the police, dude. See, that's sad. That's what my parents say as well. Seriously, it's sad. That's why I'm watching Blippi. It's a fantasy of mine. How many episodes of Blippi do you think you've watched, William? Fuck, 30 or 40 the past week. What is it about doing the row machine and then watching Blippi in the afternoon? Did you say this week? This week. Oh, my God. 40 episodes. Yeah, it's been real weird, Tony. Give us an example of some of the things that happened in an episode of Blippi. Well, there was one where all the kids are on the playground and Blippi shows up. It was the new Blippi, and he starts kind of messing with some of the kids in a weird kind of way. He's touching some of them in their butt area. Seriously, the new guy is this freak kind of person, Tony. Is it Michael Jordan? Because he's black? No, no, no. You didn't see the video from last night? Oh, yeah. No, I saw it, yeah. Oh, he's diddling, dude. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. But I guess if you're Michael Jordan, you're allowed to. It's okay. I think he gets one. Yeah. There is more than one actor who has portrayed Blippi. While creator Stephen John originated the role in 2014, actor Clayton Grimm took over the role for live tours and later appeared in videos, followed by Ben Mayer in other separate productions. The change was made to expand... Yeah, see, nobody's even talking about Ben Mayer, Tony. That's a third person you're talking about. I didn't even know about Ben. There are three Blippis. This is absolutely incredible. Red Band is shocked. It's very popular with many autistic children and adults. Wow. Red Band, how would you describe yourself? How would you say yourself? But I do love it. I recently watched your, what is it, 12 hours of just cartoon noises and static noises. I watched that. That was a great new video of yours, Red Band. And fucking 12 hours of cartoon noises. That was genius. And you can do it when you're sleeping. Yeah, I was awake when I watched it, and it was really good. But it was 12 hours of that, Red Band. That's nuts. That's nuts, Red Band. Red Band specializes in making videos that help you fall asleep. The black screen with muffled cartoon sounds. You can also use any of the podcasts that he does. Or any of his stand-up comes on in the background. The dolphin's having sex. We get it. You always say that joke, dumbass. No, I'm kidding. It is a funny joke. People having sex with dolphins or whatever. It is a funny joke. So let's talk about it. We went Epstein, Spam, StubHub. What was the joke in between the Epstein? I love the Epstein emails. Being in Tucson, just quick housekeeping announcement, I need my Razor scooter back because I was in Tucson when I was there. It was honestly a couple of months ago. I left my Razor scooter. I had it locked up on a telephone pole outside of the comedy club. And when I went back out there, it was gone. And nobody's helping me. You take your own personal Razor scooter on the road with you? I've been doing it recently. I get really fast in the airports. I was flying in Chicago recently, Tony. So you use that as your carry-on? Yes, I have it in my backpack. A Razor scooter can go down and it goes out of your backpack. But I can't bring toenail clippers. You can have an entire fucking scooter in your carry-on. What do you mean you can't bring toenail clippers? It's a weapon. No, you can't bring, like, small, sharp objects. You're bringing an entire blunt object on an airplane. That is true. Razor scooter, but that is a weapon. Especially with the guy walking through with a face like that. Like, oh, we can trust this guy. Nothing suspicious about him having a razor scooter. Yeah, you can have a razor scooter, but not an actual razor. Interesting. Yeah, that's the time we live in. What else do you sneak through, TSA? Give us an example of what you do. I don't think I need to be talking about what I'm sneaking through TSA. Give us an example. Name some things that are in your carry-on bag. What else is in that bag? How many of you want to know what's in William's backpack? Ooh. The world wants to know. Yeah, Tony. I mean, a lot of the time I got a couple boxers in there, Tony. What else? Wait, what was that? Boxers. Like boxers or boxer breeds. Oh, yeah. Can you back up Havistone? Sorry. Please. Thank you. Thank you. I have a bunch of cords in there, Tony, for different charging stuff. Yeah, that one wasn't as long. Yeah, not that exciting. Okay, what else do you got in there, William? A whole bunch of marijuana, Tony! Whoa! I'm kidding. I never travel with that. Really. You can. It's okay. They don't care about that. What else? Always my notebook, Tony! I got to look into my jokes on the set, so I got to... Right. Come on, give us something that's a little off the beaten path. Do you have anything in that area in the front where it's like a bunch of little things kind of clanking around in there? Oh, he's thinking hard. This is going to be good. And he only look at him thinking. This is what people that watch Blippi do with the microphone against their face. It makes them feel comfortable. Like a fire truck. A lot of Blippi fans. Oh, my gosh. No, Tony. You know what I have been bringing? I got this really nice little Winnie the Pooh squishmallow, a real small one, and I sleep with that at night, and I've been bringing that with me. God, healthy, Tony! I'm starting to sweat up here. It's good. It's good for you to sweat sometimes. It's good for you. You've been rowing? Yeah, I'm up to. 210,000 meters since the beginning of February. We're talking over 100, what, 120 miles or something? I'm obsessively doing it now, so it's good. I feel good. I'm watching the kids' shows. I'm doing fucking rowing. Things are getting better. There's no better time for a successful person to be watching children's shows than right now. Nothing suspicious about it whatsoever. If anyone out in Tucson sees a Razor scooter... With the green wheels. Green wheels. Yep. There you go. If anybody has it. I made Matt laugh on that. Return it. Because it's so specific. The green wheels on there. It is shockingly specific. William, what a great way to start the show. Thanks so much for having me, Tony. We love you. The legend. The Hall of Famer. Going up first. Thank you, William. What a way to get tonight's show. So you guys having fun already, huh? That's right. So now we slide over to our first bucket pool of the night. This is where things get interesting. This is where we meet people. This is the biggest moment of their lives, without a doubt. So make some noise for your first bucket poll. Monique Jones, everybody. Here we go. What are you doing? I'm aware that when you heard Monique Jones coming to the stage, this is not what you expected. I look like the lady who called the cops on Monique Jones. Dude, your Cabbage Patch Kid grew up, right? makes it easy to look me up. It's Monique Jones, and I'm the white one. I first became aware of the racial profiling of my name in high school from North Carolina. Anybody? From the South? Hell yeah, Grits. Baby, what's up? How you doing? I went to meet my boyfriend's parents at his house, and his mom answered the door. I said, hey, I'm Monique Jones. And she said, really? God, look at you. look at you we were just talking about you over prayer it's so nice of them to pray for me before they even met me so nice get out the good napkin she's a keeper okay fucking racist hey hi monique welcome thank you good stuff you've been on this show before correct i have How long ago was that? It was a minute. 2018. 2018. That is indeed a minute. That was Dom Irera was on the show. Dom Irera. Yeah. Okay. Awesome. It was awesome. In the main room of the comedy store. Yep. Welcome. It was the main room. Welcome. It was live, I believe, back then. 303. 2018? Wow. Look at that. Amazing. Here we are. Here we are. It's fucking packed in here. We used to be able to sit there. Okay. Enough about 2018. We're in 2026 now, you batty bitch. Welcome to the present. Here we are. So tell us, Monique. Update us with your life. What's changed in the past eight years? I'm still sober. I had just gotten sober in 2017. Thanks. Yeah, yeah. I beat breast cancer. Whoa. Amazing. I got a pop. This is all absolutely incredible because it looks like you have tits and you sound drunk. So this is amazing. Do I sound? Am I not? No, I'm kidding, Monique. Keep going. What else? Fucked up. I moved out here a couple years ago right after the surgery. Anyway, so now I'm... They took one of your boobs? They just took a lumpectomy. Oh, okay. But then they took my hormones because they put you on those hormone pills that block your hormones. I was a shell of myself until now. Until now, you guys are like, fuck, this is a comedy show. Okay. Anyway. Anyway, I say you're you were a shell of yourself. What exactly do you mean? Imagine like zero hormones, non-detectable. And they give you drugs to block them because it was estrogen receptor positive, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, like you can't get it. You don't want to get out of bed. You want to fucking I mean, just and then one day you're like, OK, then I do some comedy. And then I was anyway, it was just, you know, how did you get out of it? What I started taking hormones again, pretty ungrateful. So some people pay good money for hormone blockers these days. Yeah, no doubt about it. A lot of lumpectomies going on. Where do you live now, Monique? I don't recommend it. I'm here. You live in Austin, Texas. How long ago did you move here? I moved here end of 2023. Okay. Yeah. Have you been signing up for the show since then? I have. Take a little break. It's been intermittent. I wasn't right out of it. I mean, I actually got here. I did some showcasing for Adam. I just, my body was not ready. That was a year and a half ago. You bombed in front of Adam the booker, and you're blaming your hormones on that. Yes. Fuck yes, dude. I was like, but he called me back twice. Okay. Yeah, yeah. So I've gotten a little bit of. Look at that. Sounds like you had one of the breasts out of the night. All right. There's no getting that one back. That lump is gone. What are we doing? So, Monique, tell us about what you've been doing for fun. Give us something exciting about your life other than your lack of hormones and whatnot. I was, like, thinking, like, what do I say? What am I going to talk about? I went to acting school with, sorry, now I'm going to forget, Paul Rudd and Adam Scott. So I thought that would be interesting to talk about. What year was that? That was, like, 94 I graduated. They graduated in 93 and 91. I was born in 95. I know, dude. Oh, my God. You're killing it. You could be my fucking kid, dude. Wow. That's wild to think about. That is insane. No, my mom's got huge tits. Huge. Huge tits, dude. Cancer-free tits. I guess the funny skip-a-generation with this family over here. Oh, no, Monique, you're right. If my name was Monique, I'd have a great first joke, too. You gave me, on that show, I look like the lady who will call the cops on Monique Jones. You're exactly right. So, technically, I wrote your one good joke for you. There you go. Eight years ago, and it's still working. I thought I'd do it for you. Hell, yeah. Monique, any other crazy fun fact about your life that we'd find interesting? My first roommate in that school, the American Academy, was Tim Conway's stepdaughter. It's pretty cool. Tim Conway? Uh-huh. Sure. The old reference. And stepdaughter. Yeah. It's like a direct relative. It's a Kill Tony crowd. Monique's a rough interview. I'm like, what's interesting about you? She's like, I once Uber drove for Blippi number three. I'm a massage therapist. Oh. Oh. Okay. Now Red Band's going to invite you to the secret show on Thursday. Congratulations. Yeah. Got something out of this. I watched Oliver Stone for two years. Whoa, really? Yeah. Wow. Oliver Stone is the director. Yeah. Right? Mm-hmm. In Los Angeles. Monique, over here. I don't know why you keep fucking looking over there. How bad of an actor can you be to massage a famous director and still not get work? That's a great point. I don't know that for sure. I don't know that for sure. That is a great point. You're talking about Oliver Stone, the director? Yeah, yeah. What did he direct? I was not trying to get acting work from Oliver Stone. I was trying to just stay a massage therapist. Mistake number one. You're exactly fucking right. I would have jerked him off so fast, dude. I wasn't trying to get that kind of work, though. But no, I should have fucking, yeah. I didn't. What did he direct? Red Band said JFK. Natural Born Killers, I do believe. There's some good ones. It's a little, it's a little. Yeah, JFK's a good one. But here did that come out. He's still directing. He's like one of the most famous directors. I mean, he was smart. If you watch this, I will jerk you off. Yeah. He was smart enough to be one of the few directors in Hollywood that would let something like this give a massage instead of children or whatever they were doing. Oliver Stone. Red Band's typing in Oliver Jones. and now he's officially typed in Oliver Stones, plural everybody. You're looking... There you go. There you go. Thanks, Red Bam. The Doors was a good one. He contributed to Scarface but I don't think he directed it. But it says Scarface they're giving him credit for it but that was directed by... What's his fucking name? Alma. That's right. Okie dokie. Well, uh, Monique, fun times. Here's a medium-sized joke book from Bones Eye. Boom. There you go. Hey, caught it right against the quarter tip. There goes Monique, everybody. This is Kill Tony. It has begun. All right. To the bucket we go. Oh, my goodness. Wow. Two blonde bombshells at once. I can't handle this. I thought it was William again for a second. It scared the shit out of me. Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by Shopify. You know, when we started this little tiny podcast, it seemed like we had to figure it all out on our own. Who's going to go up, set up filming, schedule, logos. It was super overwhelming. And every day seemed to introduce a new decision that needed an answer. When you're starting off with something new, it seems like your to-do list keeps growing every day with new tasks. And that list can easily begin to overrun your life. Finding the right tool that not only helps you out but simplifies everything can be such a game changer. For millions of businesses, that tool is Shopify. 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That's Shopify.com slash Kill Tony. Hey, Shopify.com slash Kill Tony. What's Shopify? Hey, hey, hey. Well, this seems too good to be true, everybody, because we've seen this guy before. This must be different than the name because this guy's a legend on this show. This is who I think it is. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Jeremy? Oh, my God. Oh my God, it is him. What's up, Tommy Mothership? Make some motherfucking noise. If you have HIV. Gotcha. So, what's up, my name's Jeremy. A little bit about me. Recently tried to get a job at Burger King, but the closest one to me was within 500 feet of a school so I guess I can't have it my way. And that's what's up. Been doing a lot of Legos recently. Give it up. Yeah, they show you on the box where it's supposed to be when you finish it but a friend of mine told me you can turn anything into titties. Thanks, Red Band. I'm single. Tobey Maguire's not single. Tobey Maguire's 50 years old. He's saying a 20-year-old. When asked to comment on the situation, Batman said, So I guess Spider-Man isn't a gay guy. Hi. My dream girl is Erica Kirk. Oh, yeah. I'm thinking about shooting my shot. She's fucking, she's fucking, she's hot. Man, she fucking got over him quick. She was like, she was sad for two days, and then she was like, it's all good. And then she was like, who wants to merge? My mom took my Pokemon cards when I was seven. I still haven't forgiven that bitch. And that's what's up. My mom's boyfriend, Jerry, fuck him. I hope he dies in his sleep. he's always calling me a virgin I'm like that's not what your fleshlight said last night no but I can't wait to have sex I can't wait to do intercourse I already know what flavor I want super duper black but not like Halle Berry or Queen Lucifer I want that fucking girl on TikTok who says Dr. Pepper baby it's good and nice that's what's up I'm gonna fuck her so good she's gonna be like Jeremy's got a sweet dick But he comes too fast Alright, fuck, that sucks I got a few others But I was nervous if I could do these real quick I used to ride scooters in Austin But then I got hurt When a bunch of kids pointed at my helmet And called me a pussy Now I take the bus Rosa Parks refused to sit in the back of the bus Which is crazy because that's the best place to match him. Okay. You guys see Bill Gates got an STD on FDN Island? He should have downloaded some antivirus software. That's what's up. You guys see that Michael Jordan video? Oh, Matt Wright was talking about Michael Jordan video. Dude, he got fucking, he was at Daytona 500 fucking just going like fucking. He was like, I know Scottie Pippen, just a little kid. It's so fucking weird. What's with all these Michaels touching fucking butts? Michael Phelps is sitting at home like, I'm going to just stay in the pool. I've been watching the Olympics. Don't let the media lie to you. The Jamaican Bob team fucking is dog shit. They be Jamaican a bunch of mistakes out there. Shit. Nicki Minaj is a Trumper. It's all good. All politics aside, I still bang her. That ass is a bipartisan issue. And that's what's up. keep it going for Red Band more like Bread Pan you fat bitch I'm sorry, I'm sorry, fuck, I'm sorry I love you Red Band, fuck, I'm sorry shit, what else, Roger Parks Sophie McGuire keep it going for William Montgomery that's one of my favorite comics of all time William Montgomery William Montgomery looks like Kathy Griffin fucked Peter Griffin and gave birth to Blake Griffin And that's what's up. That's my time. Thank you so much, everybody. Wow. The great Jeremy, ladies and gentlemen. Oh. Whoa. Jeremy is back. My heart is fucking pounding. Wow. We have watched Jeremy make his comedy debut on this show. We've seen him. Super fucking nervous. He's been on panel once before, and now he's back. You signed up tonight, Jeremy. What brings you to Austin, Texas? So I live in San Antonio. And quick drive down. Mom's boyfriend, Jerry, had some work to do. I was like, he's talking to me. So I got in the car. And I said, fucking go sign up for Kill Tony. And I did not expect to be called, to be honest with you. This is fucking. What did you pull out of your fanny pack? Oh, I recently got into these astronaut ice cream bars. What? They're high in protein just in case Gail King and Katy Perry are like, Yo, Jeremy, you want to go to space tonight? I'll be like, fuck yeah, I got some fucking trees. That's a real space bar? Space ice cream bar. Oh, it looks very... Matt Rife, I know you don't fucking eat shit like this, but you want some? Yeah. Is it real? No, it's fucking not. Oh, fuck, you are funny, dude. Tell me this doesn't feel fucking fake, dude. No way, these are real. They're everywhere. They're six bucks, dude. It's got to be real. Jeremy, you take a bite before you kill Matt, the great Matt Rice. Cheers? Cheers, baby. Wow. See your diary out. Just cheers ice cream sandwiches with Matt fucking Rice. That fucking sucks. You want that? You don't have to eat that. What is that? 80% fentanyl. Oh, yeah. That's wild. Jeremy, what else you got in that? You guys want to see what Jeremy has in his fanny pack? I'm so glad you asked. It's not that bad. Really? For real? It was not that bad. Oh, shit. Dude, NASA's so pumped right now. NASA. NASA. I heard you. Oh, all right. So I got a tiny box of city critters. What, like mini animals in case you're bored? You got like raccoons in here and shit. Wow. What exactly do those do? Oh, my goodness. Dude, I've been to like three parties. and every time I'm sitting around a party I'm always like, this fucking place, this fucking vibe sucks. Everyone's fucking and I'm just sitting there, playing my Sega Game Gear, you know, listening to some Sugar Ray and then I'll just, there'll be some fucking girl next to me and she's like, so what do you do for work? And I'll be like, fucking I'm a shit guy, you know? And she's like, oh shit and her boobs are like So what else? Oh, too small How many times have you been sitting around just being like, I'm so fucking bored, and they just go, Not bored anymore. That's amazing. You have so many fun things. Oh I got this at Bucky It like a Magic 8 ball You press it it says yes try again maybe So go ahead you want to ask me a question Yeah. How was your day today? Is it going well? Okay. Fucking. How could that even be on there? No. Fucking thanks for setting me up for that. So that's fun for parties and shit. Can I? Dr. Pepper Tic Tacs. Oh. I didn't know. Tell me that girl. I didn't know they made those. Well, you got to get on Google, Tony. You got pretty much everything. Dr. Pepper Tic Tacs? Yep. They're good and nice. Cinnamon toothpicks. Big toothpick guy in 2026. Oh, okay. Wow. Jeremy. this is absolutely incredible little fucking oh bag in case you got like you won't be a good you know you pick up some shit or something Austin you know Austin I was a game I always play when I go outside on 6-ray I go is that real is that real shit or fucking is that calm you know so then you grab it and what then what do you do how do you find how do you find out if it is real shit or not I don't want to answer that i pick it up try to clean the streets and then i got advil just in case uh i get a lot of heartburn headaches migraines you take advil for heartburn yeah and i get uh it's not i don't say they're the boners are you ever see those commercials where it's like if your erection lasts more than four hours you're fucking you know you're probably black you know but uh but there my i last doctor i went to he was like jeremy you got started taking advil for your heart your cholesterol and like i get random boners and stuff and like i'm only 38 so i'm like fucking that's what's up but i don't want to be you know it's just i don't know i probably take too many pills but wow matt right if you take pills you take supplements and stuff right dick pills or supplements like vitamins and stuff no not really all natural huh all natural so what's up i'll pop to him or two though uh who hims oh hims who's that uh you never taken the pronoun pills no oh They're so good. You guys ever take a HIMSS pill? Okay. Oh, yeah. Ooh. Okay. I'm going to cry about it. Pretty funny, you guys. Pretty funny to not act like you know what that is. Pretty funny. Better than HIMSS is Blue Chew, if you guys really want to. Blue Chew. It happens to be tonight's sponsor. No. Blue Chew Talk. I brought it up. Shopify. So if you're wondering what he said before when that beep happened, it was the N-word, everybody. Matt said the N-word. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. You have to say I'm kidding now or like a conspiracy theory will start. Anyway, Jeremy, I got to tell you, you are so interesting. And even though I have one of the biggest comedians in the world right now here, I think, you know, I've always loved you, Jeremy. I've always considered you part of the family. I don't know what it is. You remind me of somebody that I maybe have an unbelievable working relationship with. And would you guys think we should have Jeremy join on panel for the rest of the episode? Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Come on, Jeremy. Get over here. Wow. Come on, Jeremy. Joining for the rest of the show, Jeremy, everybody. Wow. Wow. You got fucking shit. Oh, oh. Oh, Red Bear's good. Oh, he's pretty bad. Sorry, D. Red man figured out the one stupid thing he could have done with that snake. Oh, don't do it with the blind guy. It was super funny. Luckily, D's laughing. What's up, D? Not much. She still looking at me? No. Well, Jeremy, we're going to get back to this bucket. We had Monique Jones on earlier. William Montgomery. Seems like you're all caught up. Don't touch me. What a great panel. I mean. Walking Matt Rife, dude. This is incredible. When I met you, I looked like this. So long I've known you. So you're saying it gets better? Yeah. Yes. All right. That's what's up. 10, 15 years, you could look exactly like that, Jeremy. Or Redman. I'll take either. I'll take either. We're going to get another bucket pull up here. How about one more time for Jeremy, everybody? Your next bucket pull has to follow that. Not easy to do. We're going to meet them all together. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Anthony Fink, everybody. One minute uninterrupted for Anthony Fink. Thank you. Thank you. What's up, Austin? I'm not a really smart guy. I've had two disengagements in my life. My last ex, she broke up with me because she had a yeast infection. And, yeah, she really loved this joke for two reasons. One, because I kept bringing up the fact that she had a yeast infection. The second reason was because while she was going through it, I kept chasing around the house asking her what kind of bread she was making. Like, is it sourdough? Then she'd get mad and be like, well, you're definitely being a bit of a sourpuss. Sorry, guys. I know you're tired of these bread jokes. Much like her, she got over them pretty fast. Just a real gluten for punishment. Like I said, I'm not really a smart guy. I usually think Lance and Neil Armstrong were the same guy until about 2009. Yeah, nobody else? Okay. Got a crowd full of liars? Okay. I don't have time to finish it. That'll work right there. Wow. All right. Anthony Fink. Anthony, do you have hilarious stuff in your fanny pack by any chance that could help this? I took it backstage. Anthony, how long have you been doing stand-up? Five to seven years. I took a few years off during COVID, but I started back. When you say a few, do you perhaps mean five to seven years? Yeah, five to seven. It's more like. How often do you perform? How often do you get on stage? These days, just like two to three times a week. How come? You know, just didn't get back in the swing of things until recently, so just kind of working my way back. What happened? Why did you take a break? A couple of reasons. Well, one, COVID shut everything down, and then waiting for it to come back, work kind of got in the way. What do you do for work? I don't work there anymore. I was working for Lockheed Martin. Wow. What were you doing there? I was working on the production line. No alien or cool stuff. Don't worry, guys. Nothing cool at Lockheed. There's no big secrets. Nobody thinks you're doing anything cool. Yeah, no, I didn't think so. Don't worry. I didn't think so. Don't worry. So Lockheed Martin took a lot of your time and your energy, and now you're getting back in a stand-up slowly at about two or three times a week. Yep. And you just did My Girlfriend Has a Yeast Infection, read jokes and closed it out with a big lance and neil armstrong because they have the same last name but no real connection you just said that you thought they were the same person and you called the audience liars i feel like everyone else has made that misconception i'm not the only person right has anyone else nope yeah i mean they both have the last name armstrong let's talk about your uh your life anthony give is something interesting about you? Interesting. I speak six different languages. Wow. You can bomb in six different languages? Incredible. What are the six languages? I do English, Spanish, German, Chinese. Can you do like a mashup? Like a German, Japanese, like a Chinese, German, Asian fusion? I don't know enough to call bullshit. Yeah. I don't think any of us do. Spanish and German. What did you say? Hola, como estas? And gemeinsam sind wir stark just means together we are strong. In German. Gay. No, that's what's up. That's a sweet sentiment. That's a sweet sentiment. I just got called gay by the guy with blonde bleach hair. No, that was Jeremy the Colton. I was being nice. Sorry, Matt. And if Matt... He was doing a Matt Reif impression. No, it's okay. Sorry. So tell us, what is your love life like? Do you have a girlfriend right now? Yeah. Yeah, I do, surprisingly enough. She lives in New York. She's a black woman. Hell yeah. No. Whoa. It's all right. She's making pumpernickel. Yeah. Yeah. Ah, yes. That is the Black East infection joke. Got it. Zing. There you go. Good. I think we just pulled a Monique for him. I think Matt Reif just wrote your joke for you. Good. There you go. Thank you. That's the joke. Where'd you meet her? On Hinge. Yeah, she lived in Dallas at the time, and we met at a DeLuca pizza place. You met online and then at a pizza place, or you ran into each other at a pizza place? Yeah, we met on Hinge, messaged a couple times back and forth, and then got some. Then what happened? So you're eating pizza. What kind of pizza did you get that day? Do you remember? Dude, I treat DeLuca like it's CeCe's Pizza, and I had like 25 slices and leaving the crust on the table like an absolute piece of shit. Yeah, you ate it on stage here tonight. I sure did. How about her? Do you remember what kind of pizza she got? It's like a buffet style, so it's kind of really hard to say. They have everything from basics to a bunch of unique ones. It's like a – think of – Unique is her sister's name? Okie dokie. Anthony. So how long have you been with this black girl? It's been a year and three months. What does she do for work? She is a communications director for a tech company. Is there something that you realized when having sex with your black girlfriend that is different than having sex with a white woman? Can you tell this audience, especially Jeremy, really wants to know. And if you have any sort of video proof, that would be fucking awesome. Funny you should mention that. No, I'm very serious. Get with me after the show. I got you. Let's go. I got you. Yeah, no, the big difference would just be way more cheeks. That's for sure. It's warmer. What does that mean? It's true. That is a fact. What's warmer? I think that's what I'm trying to ask. What's warmer? The inside of the vaginas. The inside, yeah, like the whole thing. Even the outside. Oh! Yeah. Yeah. Why is the outside also warm? Well, there's a couple reasons. Yeah, that's a good question. They absorb the sun. Too much vitamin D will do that to you. Yeah. It's from all the perineum sunbathing. Okie dokie. Oh, wait a fucking shot the energy out of that car. Anthony, you said, funny you mentioned that, like, you might actually have a sex tape out there. Have you guys recorded yourselves having sex? Yes. But it's only for your own personal viewing? No, no, it's... You guys made a porno? Yeah, it's out there. Where can people find this at? Red Band, you've got it pulled up. Oh, shit. You just got snake. Oh, shit. Oh, here it comes. Oh, shit. Whoa. Different couch. No. Fucking ribbit. Whoa. Oh, my goodness. Sorry, D. See, there's a snake on the loose. All right. Okay, so is it really out there? Did you really make a porn? Can you at least describe the porn to us? Are you playing a character? Is it just like, hey, what's up? No, it's not great. We don't have a production crew like this. Didn't you go to acting school with Paul Rudd in 94? Do I look that old? How can people find it? How what? How can people find the sex tape? It's out there. What would it be labeled under? It's on Reddit. Is it on dashboardconfessional.com? Because you look like the lead singer of Dashboard Confessional. Okay, nobody fucking knows you're that bandit. That fucking sucks. Hey, you're vindicated. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. All right. One person got that. I'm going to be able to see Anthony's finest work. What was the coolest move you did in the tape? Like, what was, like, because I haven't done it, so, like, what's, if I'm going to make a sex tape, what's the opening move? It's the opening move on the sex tape. Well, what was the highlight of the sex tape? Let's ask that. Coming. That was the best part of the sex tape. It was mostly just POV close-up, so no really, like, good moves to really see. Yeah, I don't know that I want to see a sex tape. We've got to keep our faces out of it, you know? Yeah, I've never jerked off the Danny Masterson before. That would be kid porn, so you wouldn't want to do that probably. That is probably good idea. You do be looking like that. No doubt about it. Can people tell you that a lot? I've gotten it lately, yeah. I've gotten the hot ones. Are you going for that? Because it seems like... No, no, I'm not going for it, but I have been getting it lately. I don't know if it's the sideburns or the yellow glasses. with a real rapey vibe. Maybe it's that. You ever think about that? Y'all are so safe with me. Y'all are so safe. Not you. You're safe. You're definitely safe. Anthony, let's try again another time. Here's a little joke book. There he goes. Anthony, thank you. We're going to keep it moving along. I tried. I tried with that one. All right. Let's meet somebody else. This looks like a new name. Make some noise for J.P. Leonard, everybody. Oh, there's Heidi. Make some noise for Heidi, everybody. J.P. Leonard. I am from Louisiana, Cajun country. Settle down. And everyone wants to come to Cajun country. They want to see all the stuff we have. And I'm like, look, I live there. My favorite place closed during COVID, and that was an all-you-can-eat Popeye's buffet. That's right. I don't know if you know this. Lafayette, Louisiana is home to the only Popeye's buffet in the world, and it was beautiful. Full menu, fried chicken, white meat, dark meat, all the sides you can have and all the biscuits and ketchup you can fucking eat. And people ask me, was it good? And I'm like, you shut your damn mouth. And then I look them in the eyes and I tell them, in May 2018, world-class chef Anthony Bourdain came to Lafayette to film an episode of his TV show. And he ate at that Popeye's buffet three days in a row. And less than six weeks later, he killed himself. So was it good? You're goddamn right it was good. All I'm saying is how do we get Bobby Flay to Waffle House? All right. That's it. Okay. 56 seconds of J.P. Leonard. J.P., you look like you're new here, right? I am. First time, yeah. Welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up? A little over 10. 10 years. Where at? Lafayette, Louisiana. Okay. You've been there the whole time. Yeah. You still live there? Yep. I run a scene out there. Nice. You have a family? Yeah, I do. Wife, two kids, two dogs, three cats. Wow, look at that. Yeah. I love it. I love it. What do you do for work? I'm education, so I work from home now, so virtual school. Nice, virtual school. What are you teaching? I'm not. I do special ed stuff, IEPs, all that good stuff. Oh, Jeremy, this may be one of your... You speak my language. Yeah, I also love Popeye's. I know. Good to see you again, though. Yeah. One of your former great teachers. Yeah. Yeah, no, I definitely did. I did all that shit all the way through grade school. I mean, I was one of the more advanced, you know? Everybody was, like, chewing on shit, and I was like, let's fucking... Yeah, you can swallow. What's that? You can swallow, so... I can swallow? What? Okay, keep going. All right. I might be a virgin, but I still like girls. Yeah. What the fuck was that? Nothing, nothing. I just... No? JP, can you get him, Tony? JP, can you give us an example of times where you've noticed something funny while teaching special ed online? I didn't teach for long, so I do IEPs and stuff, and I was a supervisor and all that. The IEPs? Like the plans for special education kids. It's like the document, yeah. But I was an assistant principal before that. I've kind of been in everything, so mostly out the classroom my whole time. Okay. Is it easy doing that for the special ed industry? Because, like, I would call them an industry, but yeah, it's I mean, they're not on the dial, but, you know, they're on the der. You said it. Amazing. No, I loved it. I mean, I did teach for a couple of years and then moved into supervisor roles and everything. But, yeah, I love education. It's been 23 years I've been doing. Wow, that's great. That is just great. Jeremy. I don't know. Any of the kids ever try to fucking fight you? No, I've been cool. I was cool. I was a cool teacher at the time I taught. But did anybody ever, like, fucking just off their meds, on the spectrum, just fucking come for you? No. Did you ever take self-defense? Like, did you ever think about, like, what if? Because you always got to be in any sort of supervisor role. You got to play the what if game, right? Yeah, you do, it's called CPI training, crisis prevention. So you try to de-escalate the thing. All right, hit me with some music real quick, fellas. Yeah, let's see what happens. Let's say there's a little crisis. Let's say. Let's see if you remember your CPI. Here's Jeremy. Let's say you're at a fucking ATM machine. So you're trying to get some cash out. And I just got done getting Taco Bell. And I realized I was a little short on cash. And I got to get some money to go back to get the fucking nachos, right? Okay. And you're at the machine. And all of a sudden. And here we go. Wow. Look at. Hey, motherfucker, give me a fucking gun. Or give me a. I have a fucking gun. Fuck. Wow. So, all right, so... Okay, here we go. You got a little... I got to get more money? All right. Hey, do you mind if I borrow a $5 bill? No, you go sit. I was just kidding. Suck my dick! What do you do? I won't suck your dick. And you just go sit down. Okay. It fucking works. I'm going to be starting with them. Wow. Way to fucking improvise, dude. crisis prevented without a doubt i've never had that much spit on my ear so it was kind of weird you know so well that's not the first time you've probably had that oh boy from the kids jp how long have you been with uh your baby mama uh we made 22 years in december married wow how do you keep things fresh in the bedroom how do you keep things exciting uh we role play really yeah can you give us an example of some things that you've done uh yeah so uh the latest This one, I act as, like, cartoon characters. So my new character, I'm doing the children's lovable donkey, Eeyore. Oh, yes. This is gold. And who is she in this? She's just herself. Oh, nice. Hell, yeah. She likes donkeys. I love it. Who doesn't love a good old donkey dickin'? Yeah, I mean. So can you give us an example of how you come in the room when you're donkeying it up? I walk on two legs because I was trained. And then, you know, she wants to do stuff, and I'm like, okay. Oh, yeah. I'm like, I guess we can do that position. Okay. And then she keeps going, and I'm like, I've never done anal. Oh, look, poo. All right, so we need the poo joke. All right. How do you come as Eeyore? Also buckets. You're a donkey. It's got to be, you know, you've got to go fucking hard, dude. I'm pretty mellow. You must have gone to the same acting school as Monique. Not a lot of commitment there. Give us one more crazy fun fact about your life, J.P. Leonard. You seem like you've seen a lot. Lafayette, Louisiana is a crazy place. Yeah, it sits there. It's interesting. No, I mean, I've been in comedy. I run shows, produce shows, do a lot of podcast editing. And if I'm at home, I just like a good cigar, a good glass of whiskey, and share a rotisserie chicken with my dogs on the back patio, you know? Hell, yeah. Look at you. A real just good old American man. Yeah. Living the life. I love it. Anything else for JP, gentlemen? Too mellow. Yeah, there's got to be something going on. Like, you can't just be like, I just like chicken and hanging out. That's what I do. No, there's something fucked up going on here, dude. No, I'm fine. What is it? Your whole set was about a Popeye's buffet. Yeah. The highlight of your interview was rotisserie chicken. I used to be a really fatter dude. Oh. Yeah, I lost like 80 pounds over the last year or so. Oh, that's where all this comes from. Okay. Yeah. Is it Ozempic? No, I couldn't afford Ozempic, so I got the bootleg stuff. Oh, nice. Yeah. Just eating right, you know, and working out, I guess. All right. You don't have to look at my pecs. Say it again? You don't have to look at my pecs when I said that. No, you look good. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Yeah, I bet you swallow. for a history ticket yes sure if that's what you want to call it uh do you ever have did your wife ever like it's like you know i've my you know my uh my uh my boyfriend jerry is always like you know your mom i've been fucking her for a while so like at some point we're gonna mix it up bring somebody else in the bed does your wife ever suggest that or do you ever get i always feel that that's like coming in a marriage where it's like you gotta fucking spice things up No. Take somebody else into the... No, the biggest thing I did, I got a vasectomy, so that's it. Oh, prove it. All right. Give me a cup. All right. Oh, shit. Gross. JP, fun times. Here's a medium joke book. Nice to meet you, buddy. All right. Take the trip again. See you another minute. This is a one-word name coming at you right now, so anything can happen here. What we've learned from many years of the show is one word names can be a little bit more wild than two word names. So make some noise for Kyle, everybody. One word, Kyle. So the last like since for like an hour, I was talking to a real comic and he was like telling me like, dude, this is the worst thing that could ever happen to you. Like, coming up on stage your first night, I'm like, well, shit, I don't want to do that. And, dude, here we are, of course. But, like, my minute, I don't know when it started, but, like, when you come to sign up for this, they're like, why do you think you would be good? And I'm like, well, you're right. I don't think I'd be good. And I just, like, I heard there's this, like, exquisite joy from, like, failing. Like, public humiliation that you can't get anywhere else. And I'm here right now experiencing that. Kyle was somehow the best bucket pool set of the night. No preparation whatsoever. Wow, so this is your first time ever attempting stand-up. I love it. Welcome, Kyle. Welcome. Straight from the Vietnam War. Incredible. Afghanistan. This is going to be a hell of an interview. I don't see how we can fail here, Kyle. So tell us, what made you want to start stand-up comedy today? Okay. The answer I was going to give to the guy. I'm going to give the honest answer. What my one minute was was like my life's too tragic. Okay. My life is too tragic to be taken seriously. Like by the way I look. Oh, my God. Evil William Montgomery. Yeah. It's okay. Where's his scooter, dude? You heard about it? It's right over there. You can't miss it. Again, not only were you one of the more genuine sets, You're also one of the better looking bucket pools that we've had here tonight. So welcome to the Kill Tony universe. Okay, stick with me here, Kyle. What have you been doing with your life this entire time? You could just ramble it all off at once. Well, I was talking to another comic about that. Again, you don't need to reference other conversations. You could just answer the questions directly. I live in the woods in Oklahoma. Perfect. In a cabin. Okay. Are you on the run from something? like wildlife. What the fuck does that mean? Are there a bunch of moose that are trying to get fucking money out of you or something? In Oklahoma? In Oklahoma. You want my math? Oklahoma moose. It's not a joke. There's... What the fuck? Go ahead. Elks, mostly. Elks. Okay. What makes you want to make... What made you move to a cabin in Oklahoma? Family trust. We have a trust up there. Me and my dad built it when I was like nine. Okay. Or a kid. And is your dad still alive? Yeah. Okay. So you hang out with your dad? I hang out in the woods by myself pretty much. By yourself? Your dad's not there anymore? He's like, he has a law firm in Dallas. Your dad has a law firm in Dallas. Okay. And he built you a cabin in Oklahoma and said, here you go, kid. You stay here. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, if you need a roommate, I am free. Because I'm in an Airbnb in fucking San Antonio right now. It is not cheap. I know I'm, like, kind of a loneless, but I love my dad. He's awesome. He's, like, the smartest guy I've ever known. Okay, scare me. You don't need to start applause breaks for loving your dad. I don't know mine. You hate Jerry. You hate Jerry. He's except my mom's boyfriend. I don't have a dad. Do you want me to fucking... Relax. Why? Okay. Kyle, have you ever... You have a job? No. Fuck no. Look at you. You are dressed like a guy that doesn't have a job. Have you ever had a job? Okay. You would say yes at that part into the microphone, Kyle. My last job was at 7-Eleven. Okay. Fucking love that place. I worked there for like two weeks and then You ever commit any crimes? Well, I was trying to get back in the army and then Project into the tip of that microphone You have to talk a little bit louder You don't have to cup it You can just talk You don't have to do that Just talk Like a grown-up Into the tip of the mic What was the question again? Have you ever committed any crimes? No violent crimes Okay Ever see any Kit Kats? very specific question, Jeremy. You're asking these complicated questions. Did you ever steal any valor? No! When you were in the woods, did you ever see a fucking snake? Sorry, dude. Kyle, there any ladies out there in the woods? What do you do for fun? How do you... I do bird calling. Okay, let's hear some bird calls. Thank God almighty. We got something out of them. Here we go. With some bird calls. Falcon. Is that a falcon? It's just a general call I do to all birds. Okay. Do you know any other calls, bird calls? That's a true. Gmail falcon. Gmail falcon. Jeremy is a bird specialist. Wait. Kyle, I'm going to ask you again. What made you come down to Austin, Texas for this? Do you know what this – have you ever watched a show or something? When you're that bored in the woods, like, I just do shit. Like, drive 500 miles on a scooter, and I'm like, this is kind of fun. You were on a scooter? Yes, a scooter I drove. Did you find this scooter in Tucson, Arizona? Green wheels? No, I bought it in Plano, Texas. Thank you. Sorry. People that appreciate a good fallback there. Wait, like Dumb and Dumber style, you fucking came all the way here? Yeah. Let's go, dude. All right. You ever ridden a train? Yes. Steam engine? Not a steam engine. You should try it. I want to. You'd love it. I would. You'd fucking love it. How'd you know I was autistic about trains? Because you look like a conductor from a kid's show. That is true. That is true. Fuck it. Looks like you could be the... That's actually my dream job right now. Okay. All right, Kyle. I recommend preparing for this, writing, memorizing your set, and signing up again sometime. Come back, sign up again. I'm going to send you back to Oklahoma with a little joke book. I think you've got to give Jeremy his snake back. Here you go. There you go. Boom. There you go. All right. There he goes. Welcome to Killtack. Will you let this fucking guy go? What the fuck is going on? I felt bad. He was just going to take it. And I was like, he's by himself. Maybe he could talk to it. But then I was like, I really fucking want. I didn't want to give it away. I heard Jeremy say, I paid for it. What the fuck? It's 7-Eleven, ironically. Unbelievable. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a special treat for you. We love this guy around here. He's so different than everybody else. Here with a brand new minute, make some noise for Sir Winston Pickles, everybody. Ooh, listen in the pop for Sir Winston Pickles. Hello. This, by the way, is little Kwame. I been sponsoring this little guy in Africa for the last three years at 99 cents a week And unbeknown to me last March my credit card expired so uh he dead No worries, his family's still getting a little bit of money. They sold his shrunken head to a tourist. I love America, right? It's the only place you can go to work, especially Olive Garden, and start your shift as a chef and end up as a head chef. Thank you. Thank you. First of all, one of my favorite jokes of the night. How about a ham versus Winston Pickles? But let's talk about that Olive Garden joke at the end. Chef, head chef, what do you mean? A guy just fried his head, committed suicide. Oh, got it. Got it. Oh, that did, yes. And Red Band's flag is at half staff for that. He's a huge Olive Garden fan. It's been a rough week for you. Olive Garden guy killed himself in the deep fryer. and Wendy's are closing. 400. 400 locations. Wait, why? No, they're downsizing, and they're trying to redo their menu, make it cheaper because of the economy and all that. Five letters. R-F-K-H. That'll mean you'll be downsizing. What? Redban will be downsizing. That's true. He's going to be down 400, too. All right. Sir Winston Pickles, amazing, amazing material. Explain to the people what the half and half is. I don't know if everybody can see exactly what's going on there. I actually saw this lady in Tucson last week. Nancy Guthrie. You saw her in Tucson? She was on a Razor scooter. That is Nancy Guthrie on the side of a half and half. Well, somebody's got to do a thing because the FBI isn't. that is true nothing's happening it seems sir winston pickles is back jeremy this must be very exciting for you yeah this is odd this is a real treat i am afraid of uh clowns but um but you're super fucking funny dude uh do you do you don't do birthday parties or do you no none of that shit okay where are you from england let's go uh which uh which part i'm yorkshire is that the Harry Potter part? no, no how long did you you ever you thinking of the question? I've got it, just don't know how to ask it when I say I'm afraid of him what's uh when you're having so virgin, let's get out of the way when you do it does it help to look like that? when you get to do it do you fucking say it like that? or do you fucking change it up? When I do what? Do I need to fucking act it out? Like when you fucking... When you get to fucking... Fucking... Fucking... Maybe use your words. Yeah, just when you get to fucking do intercourse and shit. Yeah, of course I do. You say it like that? In character, yes. Let's go. Do you have a little squeaky toy too? Yes. Weakie-togies, yes. Let's go. All right, that's it. Matt? Well, how far do you go with the paint? Is it full body? Just finish it with the chest. Okay. Yes. That makes sense. You black under there? Yes. I'm hiding from ice. Yeah. Black people can do that. Black people can do white face. Really? Yeah. Cool. The other way around, you've got a problem. It's true. Or a career. Yeah. You do any tricks? No. What the fuck? I don't own three of anything at all, just to detag jugglers. Well, we got news for you if you want some tricks. We got Jeremy right here. Yeah, there's only one trick. So, all right. So, close your eyes. Imagine you're on a beach right now. Give me some beach music, guys. Here we go. You're on a super, super sexy beach, right? And there's nobody there. It's just a lot of drums. I don't know if that's beach music. Yeah, it's Caribbean beach. And there's a lot of people that are out there, a lot of big-ass titties, right? Everyone's hanging out, a lot of sexy women. And all the women start coming up to you. They go, oh, shit, what's up, man? You black under there? Keep your eyes closed. and then all of a sudden there's like 30 women and they're all like, hey, I don't know if those clothes come off easily, but we would like to. And then open your eyes and then there's a fucking snake in front of you. Sorry, dude. That was so fucking disrespectful. I'm sorry. You could have thrown it at his chest. You didn't have to hit the face. I'm so sorry, dude. We had him closing. Don't give him a buck. God, it's 7-Eleven. He has a snake. But you really don't do it in six, huh? So you're just the scariest drag brunch ever? Yes. Oh, my God. It's terrifying. I love his dark jokes. The he's dead punchline was so crisp. I absolutely loved it. Yeah, crisp. There was a decisive delivery. It wasn't like really anything we've seen tonight. Jeremy tagging with that's what's up. Yeah. And then there was a bunch of people that have done it for a total of 55 years that talked about bread and yeast infections, Popeye's buffets and grits. The South. He's dead was my favorite punchline so far. You're welcome. So Sir Winston Pickles getting us through another great set. Thank you, Sir Winston. You're welcome. Thanks for having me. Fun times. Sir Winston Pickles, ladies and gentlemen. Nothing quite like him. A British evil clown. They don't make him like that anymore. It is terrifying. One more time for Sir Winston. You guys having fun out there? Back to the bucket we go. As you've seen tonight, absolutely anything can happen. It could be an evil British clown. It could be a man from the woods in Oklahoma. Anything can happen. Make some noise for your next comedian out of the bucket. Hey, Bullstab. Hey, Bullstab. Last time I was in Austin was about $200,000 earlier last year in rehab. And, yeah, that's right. Yeah. Yeah, let that marinate for a second. So they don't take insurance in rehab, but you do get to learn one thing about rehab. Your roommate will always be the one that's trying to jerk off when they're on Valium. it's two hours two hours of hearing this when you're trying to sleep and it's not even the fucking good shit like it's not even anyone that's next to you so that's what i have to say about rehab that and all right and uh the fact that you go to sober living which is right next door so my view of from sober living house was all these fucking buildings that i couldn't come to uh which was really exciting and then i got serve divorce papers. Yeah, it's just getting there, right? And then on top of that, I decided to become single again at 51. Well, I didn't decide. I didn't decide to become single. I was told that I'm single now. And I still have a credit rating of 820. So. All right. Hey, Bolstad, making what I believe is your Kill Tony debut, correct? It is my Kill Tony debut, yes, sir. Wow. Okay. Have you ever done stand-up before? A couple of times. A couple of times. Where at? So I host the Hey, Bolstad show in San Antonio. Shout out. You also look like you host an AA meeting in San Antonio. A lot of them. Hey, I got six months sobriety this month. Let's go, dude. Okay. What's two? All right. No! No! Hey, let's talk about it. Fuck it. Right. He's going to go see if Jurassic Park is still open. This is a tough crowd. Are there going to be any dinosaurs on this dinosaur tour? Where we're going, we don't need roads. but that's a different movie oh shit different movie i've only seen drachy park two by the way hell yeah hey bolstad yeah let's talk about it how old are you i'm 51 51 you don't look a day over 65 that's well that's jujitsu for me jujitsu makes my life a lot easier you do jujitsu uh 15 years what belt are you uh four stripes on my blue belt getting ready for my purple wow is that your catchphrase? Getting ready to... Yeah, why not? Getting ready for my purple. All right. Can I give him a little scenario? All right. I'm ready. Fuck it. Let's say you're at the ATM and I just got back from getting some Taco Bell. I'm an ATM? You're supposed to be helping me. Don't hurt him when this happens. Don't hurt him. This looks like it could be a real... Yeah, pretend... All right. It's the ATM. That's the ATM. Give me all your money, Pop. Word. Don't hurt him. Don't hurt him, hey. Okay, all right. This is a bad idea. Jeremy, this is a bad idea. Oh, give him a minute. Give him a minute. Oh, whoa. Oh, shit. Jeremy. Jeremy, get back here. You're a lawsuit waiting to happen. I love you. Get ready for my purple, bitch. All right. All the way in. Dude, we just start dancing out of nowhere. The only person having any purple up here is John D's and D Madness. It's their beverage of choice, everybody. Purple. Full stat, I have a thousand questions for you. Let's get into it. You're 51. You're six months sober. What kind of party were you having exactly to where you had to go to a $200,000 rehab facility? Ready? Fuck it. Let me see. A gallon and a half of vodka a day. No one's allowed to tell me no. Basically fly wherever I want, do whatever I want. What do you do for work? How did you make that money to be able to do that, fly wherever you want, drinking a gallon? How shameless am I allowed to get? Just answer the fucking question, dude. It's been a rough night for interviews. I own a river outfitter in New Braunfels, Texas. Nice. And I've just been doing this. You've done that your whole life? For a good 16 years now, yeah. Okay. And, yeah, I don't know, man. I just hustle. I'm a grinder like everybody else. Not grinder. Okay. All right. Hey, Bolstad. So, a gallon of vodka a day. You were flying all over. A gallon and a half. Okay. All right. There you go. Was there drugs involved? Cocaine is always going to be a beneficial thing to almost anything. If you want to stay up for a couple of days and shit your brains out. It's a skinny drug. I know. What the? Six months sober. You're right. You know what? I love you, too. I love you, too, man. I don't like that I can see your dick in these sweatpants. I know. Oh, it is very clear. I really don't love it, dude. It is very clear. Hey. Yeah, you're ready to go to the strip club. That's what's up. San Antonio. Ear, ear, ear, ear. Ear, ear, ear. Oh, shit. I go to that one, too. I'm having the best time ever. This is awesome. Wait, you said you were divorced? Halfway through it. Oh, shit. A gallon and a half. Oh, go. A gallon and a half. Yeah. Tony. Come on. Yeah, you know what? I wish her the best. I got nothing negative. Wish her the best. But if you had to say one thing about her. I wouldn't be here. On YouTube forever. No, I wouldn't be here. You're a smart guy. I just want everybody happy in life. I love that. You have kids, Bolstad? I got a daughter that's going to turn seven next month. Okay. All right. You're still in her life. Yes, absolutely. That's great. So what made you want to get in a stand-up comedy? I talked shit to Pauly Shore when I was 17. When I lived in San Diego, and he dragged me around because I kept talking shit. And Mitzi and them let me go on for a Friday night and a Saturday night. What year was this? This would be 1992. Wow, still three years pre-Matt Rife. And then – That's absolutely incredible. Yeah, and then after that I went surfing and then went and got a job and whatever the fuck else happened. What was the job? Motivational speaker. What were you speaking about? Positivity and how to raise money for high school athletics. And I would tell the football players, if you have two girlfriends, you make them both sell. That one that sells the most, you keep her. The other one's a loser anyway. Sell what? Chocolate. You've got to say that. Chocolate and, bro. This is a night of confusing interviews. It's a night of love. So, Volstad, stick with me up here just for a second because I want to know from my own information and maybe we'll circle back to this crap. But you talked shit to Pauly Shore. You're basically like – Yeah, he was walking by. He had two blondes, one on each side. And then you said – I went and I was like, man, what you do? That ain't shit. I had no idea. I'm 17. But you definitely knew who he was. Yeah, because he had two blondes, one on each side. And also because he had the face and hair of Pauly Shore. Well, that – he also, I think, Encino Man or something. Something was out, and he was – No shit. Yeah. Word. Okay, that's the answer. So you knew who Pauly Shore was. You talked shit to him. I want to know about – you met the actual Mitzi Shore? Yeah. And then she said – And I also met the man with the crutches. He had all the stuffed animals on his crutches. Okay. It doesn't matter. They made me sit outside in the back in the parking lot because I couldn't come in. Correct. That makes more sense because earlier you said that they put you on stage. We did. Okay. But I had to wait outside. Okay. Stick with me here, Bullstead. Stick with me here. You ready? I'm ready. When you say they put you on stage, was it by yourself? Yeah. For how long? Five minutes. Was it three minutes? No, it was – well, they have a light. I didn't know what the light was. Was it upstairs? No, it was in the main room. In the main room. Did it have a red stage or was it carpeted? Small room. There was a piano. I just remember there was a piano there Because I used it the second night I came up Was it a keyboard or an actual physical piano? Was it a red stage with red neon lights? That part I don't remember But everybody was super cool It was in La Jolla Okay, there you go We'll fucking start with that Total different Venue No, I don't You get nothing Nothing and love it. Okay. Both stats. Uphill both ways. What did you do on stage since you had no comedic experience? I talked about getting my wisdom teeth pulled. What did you say about that? I said that I had gone to the planet Drool because I couldn't really do anything other than Drool while I was getting it done. And there was a dentist that was in the audience, and he started heckling me. And so I just went all in. and I just told him that maybe he needed a better profession. Got him. Got him fucking good, dude. 17, bro. Why you got to pick on a 17-year-old? There you go. Which Paulie in the back like, boo, bro. No. He was so cool. Like, he was really, really cool about the whole thing. And when I was done, then I got down, walked down off the stage, and they brought me over kind of towards the front, And then there's that hallway that goes back. And they wouldn't let me go in the back, but they let me hang out there. And then, yeah, man, I just – someone offered me $25 for one of my jokes. Okay. See, every time I'm about to move on to something else, you say something like that, which is completely fucking insane. There's a lot about me that's insane. When you say that, what was the joke that someone offered $25 for? Do you remember that? By the way, that is the first time I've shushed somebody in 13 and a half years. That's how you make me feel, Bolstad. I've literally never said shh before. Thousands of hours of this show exists. I know you roll. You're the first person that can be me. I know you roll. Okay. You'll be all right. Do you remember the joke? So it was from the Planet Drool, and I was talking about them pushing the needle, which was at this point, it was like this long. And they put it all the way through my gum. Uh-huh. And I guess the comic that was back there, he was wearing a blazer. and uh not the question i asked go ahead oh well i'm getting to it so he said hey man i like that he said i like it and he offered me 25 bucks and i was like well fuck all right i need the money 25 bucks bro that's like you don't remember the joke i just told you the joke you didn't you just said that you shoved a needle in his thing and then you described what the guy was wearing you can't you can't hear d madness behind me going oh my oh yeah everyone's freaking out All right. He said he's the worst comic he's ever seen. It is amazing. Bullstat. Hell yeah. Here comes your purple. I got it. Oh, you got tattoos. No, it doesn't matter. Jeremy, pay no attention to the tattoos. There's a little joke book. There goes, hey, Bullstat, everybody. There's nothing interesting about that man whatsoever on planet Earth. Your girlfriend's here? Yeah. You want to bring your girlfriend out? Can she come out? Yeah, sure. Guys, can you bring my girlfriend out? Is that cool if she hangs out for a bit? Jeremy's still bringing your girlfriend out? Yeah. This is insane. You dropped your ass. This is one of the most carnival-esque episodes of Kilt. Oh, my goodness. What? Wait, what? What in the world is going on here? What is... What? What is going on? Check, check, check. Oh, my God. Wait. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. Oh, my God. What the fuck, man? Oh, my God. What's up, Matt? Good to see you again. What is your girlfriend's name, Jeremy? I'm right here, Tony. Oh, what's your name? It's Lindsay. I can talk for myself. What did I say about talking too much, bitch? He doesn't even try not to move his mouth. Yeah, well, maybe you take me to dinner, Matt, and I'll move my mouth a lot more. Whoa, what was that? A celebratory? What is that thing you did there? Oh, fuck you, Tony. This is the first time we've ever had a lady like you on this show. Lindsay? Yes. Lindsay, you sound a lot like Jeremy, I gotta tell you. You guys must hang out a lot. Well, I have a cold. Jesus. What's up, Redman? What's up, baby? Redman and I are in the same VR channel. Wow. Look at that. Oh, yeah. These are the types of people that hang out with you in the VR world. You should see her fraggles. All right. What the fuck did you say to me? This is amazing. Is Lindsay going to join us for the next bucket poll? Is that cool? Yeah, no, that's fine. You guys mind if he hangs out for a couple of... She's real to me. Ooh, that sounds exciting. Someone's got to be around here. Oh, yeah. We're doing mostly mouse stuff. A lot of these people have been... How much of a lower half on this one? All right. Here we go. Your next bucket pool. Lindsey, you know how the show works? Yeah, I have fucking Facebook. Okay. 60 seconds uninterrupted going to Ryan Dordery, everybody. Ryan Dordery. Here we go. The show continues. I know I look like a Mormon CrossFit instructor or maybe only an extra in a Viking movie. I didn't get a supporting role. I have no lines. Despite that, I have the emotional and financial stability of a 14-year-old with a stolen credit card and divorced parents. I spend most of my money at the strip club on escorts and on weed, honestly. So my solution is I'm going to go to a medical trial here in Austin. They're going to inject my butt with HIV medication. and in the cheek, not in the hole, in case anybody was wondering. I'm really afraid of public speaking, so the only reason I did this was to try to get Kim Congdon's attention. I tried to send her flowers here. holy shit holy shit this is a live stalking this is what this show's come to yes the show has arrived it was one thing when everyone was bombing guys just coming down from the woods to get all their socializing out of their system at once but you coming you you're here to get kim congdon's attention i drove 25 hours from cart wow ladies and gentlemen you are witnessing a part of kill tony live in which will one day be on one of those fucking uh crime shows incredible it's happening in real time yeah okay wow ryan so you're is that really why you're here where did you drive 25 hours from exactly carson city nevada carson city nevada i've been there oh okay What can I say about talking? Where in Carson City? Oh, great question, Lindsay. I love that you go right to questions. Maybe you missed the part that I always tell Jeremy and Dr. Phil and Elaine, in which don't ask stupid questions for no reason, because it derails the entire interview portion of the show. Lindsay? Sorry, this is harder than it looks. Okay. Okay. Ryan, let's talk about it because this is going to be more of like an interrogation. Yeah. Solving a crime more than an actual Kill Tony interview. What was it that where you where did you see Kim Congdon where you fell in love with him? September 1st, 2022. Oh, my God. What the fuck? At Mike Drop Comedy in San Diego, Kearney Mesa, to be more specific. I talked to her for about two hours. Uh-huh. and do you really want me to say like some crazy stuff? Fuck yeah! This is most likely going to be edited out of the show because it's beyond all insanity. I know how I look. It's not about the look. It's more about the demeanor and the voice and everything else. Again, you're actually the best looking Bucket Bull. You just beat out Kyle from the woods in Oklahoma. So again, it's not about your look. It's about the tone and what you said. But go ahead. I told her that night, I said, you know, Tony Hinchcliffe and Nikki Glaser, I assume. You guys should roast my favorite athlete, Tom Brady. That was in 2022. Okay. Wow. The prophecy came true. The prophecy came true. Dude, you should tell me to fucking get a bunch of fucking sex going. What? Sex or sex? I don't know. Sex. check gotcha gotcha fuck it in so uh ryan um you talked to her that night have you do you do you do you try to communicate with her since then yeah i mean this is like a i could spend an hour explaining the psychosis i'm in it gets scarier with every answer you give ryan it really does it really does okay okay uh so that's Say yes. You guys do talk sometimes? No, no. She doesn't answer my DMs. Right. I got a comment reply, so that's pretty good. All right. If she was here right now and you could say anything you want to her, what exactly would you say if you had to keep it under 30 seconds? I would say I think about you all the time. Oh, man, no. Wait, wait. Can I maybe offer up some female perspective? And what's your name again, Jeffrey? Ryan. Ryan. Sorry, you're giving up Dahmer vibes. Dahmer vibes? So I'll be Kim, and let's say you're meeting me right now for the first time. Cool. Do-do-do-do-do. Oh, I have such a cool pussy. Oh, what's up, Ryan? Hey, I didn't expect to see you here. Oh, yeah, you fucking did. What's up? How are you? A long time no see. I'm not sure if you remember me. I like everything you post. I listen to every podcast. Wait. Hold on. Hold on a second. I have to interject here. I thought it was going pretty great so far, but that's all right. The Lindsay thing's great, but I've got to jump back into this. Hold on a second. Because this is the only show in the world. I don't know if you guys know this. The moment that's happening right now is very interesting because every other show in the world, you have a podcast, you book the guest, you do a little research on the guest. You ask them a few pre-planned questions, right? You try to stretch it out. You try to make a conversation on television. Everything is in a teleprompter. There's cue cards everywhere. Every single thing you've ever seen before, spoiler alert, has been predetermined and was planned before you ever saw it. Except for this moment. Happening right now. Live in this room. This is a live stalking that is happening right now with our very good friend, one of the first regulars ever in the history of the show. The hilarious Kim Congdon, who is amazing and has been doing stand-up 13 years. Yeah, she rips. So funny. And so. Hilarious. You became obsessed with her. Naturally. I think about her all the time. All the time. Is there anyone else that you think about this like? Never in my life. Right. I love her, like, more than my mom, and my mom's dead. Okay. When you say more than your mom, do you get along with your mom? She's dead, so I like her a lot more now. Okay, Ed Gein. Jesus Christ, man. Plot twist. Oh, my God. Did you do that to her? Dude. Did you do that to your mom? Maybe with my personality. I don't know. Oh, my God. Kim's going to turn into a fucking lampshade, dude. Oh, my God. So you've sent her flowers. She hasn't responded. He has, what does that say? A ring and flowers. You have a ring and flowers for Kim is what I've got. I've been handed a note. Is that true? Yeah, it's in a bucket and back. I didn't bring it on stage. Right. We don't allow people to bring things on stage and because they might end up like you. So, Ryan, boy, again, this is real. Pretty much all I can say right now. You've stumped me. And yeah, very, very highly likely that this won't make it to the show. It's kind of nuts. Tony. Go ahead, Matt Reif. Can I call Kim and let Sam Toste? It's a great idea. Again, Red Band, when someone's making a call, the phone doesn't ring. Oh, this is going to be so good. This is better than Love is Blind. Wait, put it on speaker. Hit the speaker button. Hey, it's Kim Condon. Wait, what? Wait. Oh, yeah. Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Is this working? It's, well. Hello? Hello? You'd have to not have your headset mic on for this bit to work. Nope. No, you wouldn't. Sorry, bitch. You went under the table. You wouldn't use that one either. You would. Let me call her back. Let me call Kim back. I'm not answering. ladies and gentlemen you just got snaked or Dr. Pepper tic-tac fuck so when you brought a ring in flowers here so much potential you expecting what exactly to happen To run into her That she be here perhaps You want the realistic perspective? Yes, we do. Realistically, I expect to be rejected, but just for closure, you have to swing. What kind of closure exactly are you looking at? Either she's like, yeah, we could date, we could see how it goes, or no, this is crazy. This is a weird way to approach a woman. A lot of women at the same time just said, that's it. Yes, that's it. Almost every woman, for the first time I've ever seen, agrees on something, on one thing. They all agree on this. They're all looking at me and shaking their heads yes all at once. It's almost incredible. Let's check in with Jeremy. Well, I got no experience here, so I think what you're doing is pretty fucking chivalrous. Thank you. Thank you. Someone's on my mind. Also, some girls like a guy to play hard to get, right? Or they want you to chase them. I mean, not literally chase them, but. I'm fast. You're fast? See, that feels like something you should not say. But like. So this is what I want to know from the ladies. At what point when he's given a gift and she doesn't respond, does he just fucking take a hint? That time. Oh. The first time. What'd she say? Let's see the ring. Oh, good question. Oh. Is it a real ring? Is it a legit ring? How much? Where'd you get it from? How much did you spend? Not a lot. $250. Wow. That's a lot. That's a lot. It's a, well, open it and I'll explain it if we have it. But let me ask you this, Ryan, because you met her once before, right? Only once. Well. And she hasn't communicated with you since then. So, wait. She used to talk to me on stage at the belly room. Wait. So you went to her show. All the time. dozens of shows. And sometimes she would respond to you if you asked a question or heckled. Is that what you're saying? Yeah, it was kind of conversational. Right. During her set. Yeah. You would yell something out. She would address me and then I would respond. Right. She would make fun of you, she would make a joke and then you would respond. Yes. Right. Okay. Ah, fuck. It's a good fetish. Hold on. god damn it god damn it hold on fuck no hold on so i'm getting suggestions from the crowd for questions by the way again that's another first in the history of such a good documentary dude yeah this is incredible because i don't think don't you think that if you talk to her one more time and she said to you you know ryan this is kind of wild you're not my type right i'm not into this don't you think that since you've only talked to her before once in reality that you're going to only like her more probably yeah every time i hear her talk i tend to like her more so right okay which is either stalkerish or nice depending if i'm it's no it's the first one stalkerish ryan ryan one of the scariest things in the history of the show Have you ever had another girlfriend? Yeah. Okay. Don't say it like that. Yeah. I'm 29. I'm 29. Come on. You're 29. Okay. It's been dry 29 years. It's very possible. This is Jeremy right here. Okay. Your belt is at the end. That's the loosest setting. That's an unbelievable observation. There are 32 ways on the 32 ways. No more loops left. it is incredible what's the longest relationship you've ever been in uh 10 months 10 months did the girl know that she was still in the relationship the whole 10 months um yeah but she was ai i'm just i'm kidding i'm you can't make jokes like that man all right ryan we're gonna let you out of here i'm not sure sure whether this is one of the most compelling compelling interviews and moments in the show's history or if it will... You're going to set them loose back in the club? No. They go right out the back door for this part. And I can tell you, there's a lot of security guys looking at me, very concerned. I'm nonviolent. I know. We can tell. You seem like you have good intentions, but it is a little creepy, Ryan. Alright. There he goes. Ryan Dordery, everybody. No joke book. No nothing. Lindsay's slamming her hand on the table. She liked him. I thought he was hot. But I'm a crazy girl. You are a wild girl, Lindsay. All right. You know what? Let's cleanse the stage. Let's stage the stage a little bit with the return of a golden ticket winner who hasn't been on this show in a very long time here. Ladies and gentlemen, could be a story of redemption. And who knows? Anything can happen. He's one of the wildest characters in the history of the show. You know him. He has the record for most all-time appearances on one episode of Kill Tony. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the return of Drew Nickin. Unlike the last guy, I just had sex for the first time in 18 months. she had a mullet and I don't think I was her first special needs body because she knew how to seduce me she was like hell yeah brother you look like Mar from Home Alone and a sexy Napoleon Dynamite trying to go back to my hotel room and watch YouTube and I was fucking jazz because I knew exactly what to throw on Eddie Guerrero versus Rey Mysterio, Halloween Havoc 97. Am I right, ladies? I was a little nervous because I don't have the lover's touch because sometimes I bet animals too hard. But we got it cracking, dog. It's so much clapping and screaming during that hotel room session. People thought we were watching a black high school graduation. and I got a TBI but that night I gave her a TPI a traumatic pussy injury because I beat that thing up consensually thank y'all hell yeah welcome to sex offender kill Tony everybody this is a very special night endless consensual Tony no I'm joking I'm joking that guy scared me fuck i almost had to break out retard strength don't fuck with my homies that's right tim congdon is the homie i gotta tell you i love this set drew and for those of you that might not know that eddie guerrero versus ray mysterio match at halloween havoc absolutely fucking amazing you can show it to anybody believe it or not you can actually show that to your girlfriend and watch that and she will be completely mesmerized it's a true one of the greatest luchador matches of all time it is for your professional wrestling two of the all-time greats and they're in their absolute prime at that period of their lives look at michael gonzalez agreeing our own little that's right okay drew how's life been going uh life's been great tony i just did my first sold out headlining set a couple weeks ago nice how long how long did you do how long i did 45 minutes that's great amazing true yeah how many people were in the audience uh there was about 120 people that's amazing true yeah were they all there at the end of the 45 minutes they were they were having a good time i'm i give a good show guys don't listen to reddit i fucking hate them tony i you should i don't even know why you go on there drew No, they send shit to me on Instagram. They're real mean. Okay, again, you don't need to read these things. Have you gotten work off of your social media or anything? Okay, so here's why I look at it, because I've had two people come to me with suicidal thoughts in my general, and I've had to calm them down and say, hey, life's okay. Drew, that's not your responsibility, buddy. I did appreciate it, though. You're welcome. Fuck Jerry. Fuck Jerry, dude. It was a dark time in my life. I know. I think if people are coming to you as a last resort for their suicidal thoughts, Drew, that it might be time to just let them do what they're going to do. You know what I mean? I do ask if they're Cowboys fans first. Very funny. Drew, what else is going on in life? Headlining shows, wearing awesome shirts. What else? Yeah, my mom got me this. We know. Yeah. I've been just touring the road with a lot of golden ticket winners, trying to get my set better, writing a bunch of stuff, just doing the thing that you're supposed to do when you're a comic. Steadyly improving and getting better, because that's what we're here for. I want to do this for the rest of my life, so we're never going to stop. Drew, do you like the show Blippi? Fuck yeah. Tell us about Blippi. Describe to the people what Blippi's about. I'm so excited. Yeah, I love Blippi, man. So, I don't like the new guy. Fuck that guy. Fuck him. Bring back my Blippi. I love Blippi because it's such an innocent show. They show educational things. The guy's a personality. Like, he wears the same thing every time. He's fucking awesome. And then they brought this new guy, and I was like, what the fuck? It turns me fucking red. I went on the Blippi Reddit. What is it about the new Blippi that you don't like? He's not the same guy. That's like Joe and Steve. Hold on. How do you feel about the new Jake from State Farm? And why? He's not black. It's Black History Month. Fuck that. Fun fact. Drew Nickens is black. I'm not kidding. His father is 100% black. If you saw a picture of his father, you wouldn't believe it. I swear to God. No way. He's like an albino. I'm pulling it out, dog. Not my snake, but my picture of my dad. Kind of like an albino black guy. No fucking way. Yeah, I am. Have you done anything black this month to celebrate black history? Hell yeah. I went to Ross five times this week. Oh, shit. That's how I get my toiletries. Ain't that right, brother? Amazing. Wait, let's see how black you are. Here's a snake. Ah! There's a sink on the goddamn plane! Pretty funny. We'll keep it in. There you go. Jeremy really belts people with that thing. There's no showbiz toss-up with this guy. Still looking for a picture of his dad. That's how black he is. He can't find a picture of his father. If you needed any more confirmation, let the two minutes that it took for him to find a picture. This guy's Puerto Rican at best. There's no way. No, he's really black. It's just light outside. It's light outside. This is a good photo, though. I do like this. That's my mom. It's your very light mom? Yeah. Okay. Say it. Hell no! That's what I thought. That's what I thought. Drew, fun times. Thank you so much, Drew. We love Drew. We love Drew Drew loves me Alright Make some noise for your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen It's Greg Bergman, everybody Greg Bergman I don't know about you guys, but I am sick to death of pedophilia Are you sick of it? I don't mean sick of adults having sex with children I've never been for that, just the way I was raised But I'm sick of hearing about it You know, in New York, all I heard about was privilege and race. And that got annoying. Then I come to Texas, and all I hear about is vaccines and pedophilia. Vaccines and pedophilia. That's all people talk about, vaccines and pedophilia. If I hear about vaccines and pedophilia one more time, I'm going to take ten booster shots and fuck a kid. You know, I'm just, I'm bored of it. It's enough of it. I want to see what all the spurs is about. You know what I mean? And autism, that's another thing. What a scam. Everyone in Austin says they're autistic. I'm autistic. You know, you want to be. You want to be autistic. You want to be neurodivergent. You think it makes you interesting. Okay? You're not autistic if you're too much of a stupid little creep to look the barista in the eye. Okay? You're a putz. You want autistic? That's what people like. I'll tell you autistic or neurodivergent. Last summer, during the flood, I walked around in 100-degree heat, and I was afraid to use the bus card that the mental hospital gave me for fear that the invisible material I thought would explode. when I swiped it to the bus and blew everybody up. That, my friends, is neurodivergent. Okay? So if you want a stupid lunatic, here I am. All right. Great Bergman. Prepared, memorized his set, went through the words in the order that he prepared it, and meanwhile, I kind of still wish the stalker was on stage. Sorry about that. Special kind of planned deliberance. Oh, fuck. Greg, has anything changed since the last time you've been on this show? Well, yes. Two things happened. This is both true. Greg was on very recently as a penis implant. Yes. When I left here, I got a big joke book, very happy. A couple of Australian guys saw this set. They said, go to the creek. This is true. Go to the creek in the cave. I went to the creek in the cave. I slipped on the ice, fell, lost my joke book, and bruised all my ribs. That's true. At least I think it was ice. It could have been the little greasy Mexican they were dragging away. Wow. Okay. No, but it was true. That's a true story. We'll be right back. Sorry. I thought that's what the guys like. Holy shit, dude. Oh, Dr. Pepper Tic Tac? No, that was true, though. Destiny. When God takes your big joke book from you. I know. That's how you know it was never meant to be. Oh, boy. Greg. Yeah. I mean, it's just been. I just got to. I just. Anything else that you thought about since the last time you were on that would have been good to talk about in the interview portion? But now here we are. Oh, that's good. I did. Yeah. My dog died. That's sad. That happened in the past two weeks? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The past two weeks, too. How did your dog die? Kill itself? Or did Chrissy Noem shoot it in the face? Yeah. Yeah, well, it was a suicide. Yeah, no, she died. Yeah, she died. It was just sad. And my grandmother died three weeks ago, but the dog died two weeks ago. Sorry, dude. I know. Hey, Dan. I know. It's a party. It's a party. It's a party. God damn it. I had jokes that were good, too. I thought you wanted the... Why didn't you do them? because I thought the first one was good what the fuck the kid was good here's a little joke book Greg I'm going to keep him moving along no there he goes Greg Bergman everybody alright one last bucket pool this episode is demented let the record show that I'm aware that this is an insane episode are you guys having fun we have the most insane fans in the world you guys will fucking You guys are loyal to the soil One last bucket bowl Make some noise for Thomas LaMountaine Thomas LaMountaine I like having fast sex With old women Yeah, I said it I like having fast sex with old women I call it going 90 to 70 Yeah I love it. Fast sex with old... I love having... Call my balls Werther's Originals. The way I like these hip replacement hussies sucking on them. You know what I'm talking about? I like having fast sex with old women, ladies and gentlemen. Am I the only one here? The only one that looks like... Yeah? No. No way. I like having fast sex with old... Oh, my gosh. You know what I hate, though? I hate having slow sex with young pussy. I hate having slow sex with young pussy. What am I, running the government? No. And even if I was, if I was running the government, I'd be having fast sex with old women, folks. Thank you. I'm talking about them. Thomas Lamountain. I loved it. I almost forgot what it was like when people came up here and just did jokes. Hell yeah, dude. Welcome, welcome. Hey, thanks. Is this your first time on the show? No, I've been here before. Okay, welcome back. Very funny. Where are you from? I'm from Nebraska. And how long have you been in Austin? I've been in Austin for eight months now. Eight months. Fuck yeah. You've been on the show only once before? Only once before. What do we find out about you? What was the most compelling? What was my favorite part of that interview, you think? Oh, well, you found out that I used to be a male model, and you made me take my shirt off and you liked it a lot. Yeah, I did. Hell yeah, now I remember. Having flashbacks. Yeah. I love it. Hell yeah. So how's Austin been treating you? What's been going on now? It's been pretty good, man. You know, I got a cool job now. I've been doing a lot of spots. It's amazing. I love it here, man. What's the cool job? Now I have the greatest job of being a fucking bellhop for a hotel, dude. Hell yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Amazing. Jeremy? La Quinta? No, I'm a rewards member there. Oh. So if that's where you bellhop, then that's what's up. La Quinta has rewards? La Quinta has rewards. What kind of rewards? We can't all fly on fucking private planes, man. What kind of rewards do you get at the La Quinta Inn? Oh, breakfast before everybody else. Really? Yep. Do you have to wake up earlier to get the breakfast? This is a crazy deal. That almost seems like it would be... I thought this was a safe space. Guys are really hostile towards fun stuff. Breakfast before everybody else. Yeah, so I wake up at 4. Breakfast is at 7. Also, I get the first dibs on clean seats. I usually get like... I don't know, like sometimes they have only a certain amount of waters behind the front desk. So I get first dibs on like the coldest waters. They're all room temperature, man. All of them. La Quinta has only room temperature. That is your mind. Well, you're clearly not in the rewards program. So you get cold-ass water. But so bellhop, that's cool. You love it? It's a dream come true, truly. It is. It's a dream come true. I've always wanted my dad was a bellhop. My grandpa was a bellhop. I hope someday my son is a bellhop. Live on the legacy of hopping bells. That's right. Do you have a girlfriend, Thomas? No, I don't. I just recently got out of a relationship. Oh, how'd that end? Why'd that end? I'll start the, well, commitment. Commitment issues. What's up, man, right? Give me that. What's up, dude? Tell us about that, Thomas. Well, funny ask. It just happened last week, and she was like, can we have a serious talk? And I'm like, for sure. And I got there, and she's like, let's not have it right now. I was like, all right, cool. And so I brought over Legos, you know? Because I was like, let's do some Legos. Is it cool, like Obi-Wan, Kenobi shit? Fuck yeah. Yeah, right? Hell yeah, dog. And so I started doing the Legos, and then she was like, hey, can we talk now? And I was like, yeah, man, I'm doing Legos right now, but sure, you know? and so we talked and you know it was like oh it's probably you know not good we keep coming back to each other you know it's probably best we're not really growing as people you know and it was it was sad like we you know but we both cry we both hug each other you know and at the end she's like oh well you know i was like well maybe i should go and she's like yeah you probably that's probably best if you should go and then i had to pick up my fucking legos and for a second i was like should i just give her the leg should i give them you know they're like no they're my fucking lego you know i'm gonna have the i'm all the legos you know so i had to be like can you get up i think you're on the leg you know it was it was it was really embarrassing and then i packed up everything and i was like i put on you know my backpack and i was i said bye to her and i took a like took like a look around the room and being like kind of like well this might be like the last time i you know ever see this room and then on the windowsill i saw the obi-wan kenobi like minifig with like the lightsaber i'm like oh fuck thank god i didn't forget that oh my god you know it's his ship. I had to, it's his ship. It wouldn't be, it'd be weird if I didn't have the Obi-Wan Kenobi minifigure with the lightsaber. Yeah, you get it. You get it. So yeah, that happened. Amazing. That's a great breakup story. You know who'd be a great rebound? Kim Congdon. It's true. She's super available, right? I can put you on, you seem super safe. Does she fuck with Legos? I'm sure she does. Almost positive. Call her and see if she fucks with Legos. Did you get a big joke book last time you were on? I did, yes. Perfect. There you go. You already have it. There he goes. Thomas Lamountain, everybody. And now we've arrived at the end of the episode, and we have one regular that's going to close it out. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy is an absolute fucking sensation. Formerly the Dark Storm of Atlanta, He's now the dark storm of Austin, Texas. Make some fucking noise for the one and only Dedrick Flynn with a brand new minute, everybody. What's up? Y'all, uh, motherfuck Frontier Airlines, nigga. I hate them bagged Nazis, and I don't support Nazis. These niggas, if you never had the unfortunate time to go fly Waffle House Airlines, These niggas got a metal box right there and they say this is a bag no nigga that's a box And didn't they say you got to put your bag It's got a fitting here and if it don't everybody that work in frontier get to beat your fucking ass They do and they only hire niggas from Waffle House so they know how to fight individually and as a unit And if you didn't get your ass whooped It's because you paid the $300,000 It costs to not have your bag fit in there And the only reason they get to charge $300,000 motherfucking dollars Is because they ask you 300,000 motherfucking times Do you want to buy a bag? Nigga, you should buy a bag I wouldn't fuck with us I mean, we've been waiting for a nigga Not to buy a bag We've been waiting So I bought the bag online And I got the bundle where you can pick your seat how about these niggas sold me a windowless window seat didn't go tell me to take my phone down cause I had it duct tape cause I'm claustrophobic cause I gotta look at something son didn't nigga I had a nerve to come back there and talk about the pilot says you can't be selling snacks on the plane nigga I gotta get this money back I was just selling like little burritos and shit so I tried to become an entrepreneur you know what I'm saying Like, I just, it's Black History Month. And then it was like, but what about the gambling? Because we were shooting dice on the plane. And so I said, hey, man, nigga, you telling me the captain told you to come say that? The same nigga I just sold two Adderall to before we took off. This nigga go get on the intercom and go, shit, y'all, I ain't gonna. I ain't gonna hold you, nigga, be my end. I go. That's about time. I love y'all. I think I was looking at the great Dedrick Flynn with another two minutes. This guy does twice the work that he has to do. Without a doubt, the best set of the night. Dedrick, you are a fucking freak of nature. How's life treating you? Dude is so fucking cool, dog. My favorite thing now is because I have other friends that are doing it. My boy Cam was opening up for you. Cam Bertrand. Yeah, that's my best friend. Yeah, we got five matching tattoos. Like, we've been best friends for forever. Yeah, but all right. All right. Five. You had an opportunity to go get a tattoo with him, and you didn't go do it. Well, it shows up on me. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get a tattoo. Never sees it. Fuck you, handsome-ass nigga. I don't have to. Fuck you. Fuck your new hair, nigga. You look like Kyle from Street Fighter. I fucking love you so much. Yeah, fuck you, man. Fuck yeah. Yeah. How you got gold teeth and a silver chain? Yeah. I was getting that neck. Getting that neck. I just got on, dumbass. You stupid fuck. You look so dumb right now in front of fucking everybody. Everybody knows I got to take it a step at a time. You're such a stupid bitch, dude. I fucking hate it. And I know that shit you said about Atlanta, too, nigga. I've been waiting to run into your ass. Good. The airport's trash, and I'll die on that hill. Oh, my God. Die on that hill. We were so mean to people, dude. And you, to have a face like that and be mean, that's just so fucked up. Fuck you, dude. Can I ask one question? Fuck you, Joe. Absolutely. What? That's you. I'm fucking hot. You get it. Why do you have a slingshot? Oh, because that weird-ass nigga was talking about, I got to protect Kim. Oh, my God. Yeah, and it's a Louis Vuitton when this redneck nigga made it for me in Huntsville, Alabama. Wow. How long have you had a slingshot for? I got several slingshots. Let's go. I got different ones for different, you know, things. Different occasions. Yeah, I got like a water balloon slingshot. I got a fucking, uh, the motorcycle that black people ride called a slingshot. I got that shit, too. What's that called again? It's called a slingshot. Yeah. What do you load into that to shoot? Fucking anything. We have some Advil right here. Dr. Pepper Tic Tac. Anybody want to get... Alright. Who went to Advil? Yeah, let's... Oh, it's a jail cap. I don't know if that'll work quite well. This guy in the second row wants it. That'll be dangerous and hilarious. Make sure you loft it up. You're the guy who for sure doesn't want it. Oh, shit. Wow, that thing's aggressive. Yeah. Shut the fuck up, dude. Shut the fuck up. You're not on the goddamn show. Never in 13 and a half years has a nigga ruined a bitch. I'm sick of you. Get his ass out of here. The guy who looks like he's on 60 Days In? Yeah. Actually, you know what? Say something else. Say something else, bitch. They ruined one more of my bitch. We all thought it went over there, dumbass. Book your glasses. You kind of look like me. In a ponytail. I hate you. Have you ever shot anybody with your... Oh, absolutely. I just sit on the roof at Sunset, and then we just open up the window, just hit niggas on 6th Street and shit. Oh, perfect. Trying to clean up the streets, Tony. There's some bad people out here. You didn't have to say Sunset right there, by the way. That's where I was. Yeah, true. Everybody looks so fucking stupid. Why would I lie? This is YouTube. They're going to know. Dedrick, you are the absolute fucking man. Your set was twice as much as you had to do a brand new, unbelievable two minutes. How about one more time for Nedra Flynn, everybody? Love y'all! MattRyfeOfficial.com. Get fucking tickets. He's one of the best in the world. One more time for Matt Ryfe, everybody. Jeremy is representing Adam Ray tonight. AdamRayComedy.com. Jeremy's a big fan of Adam Ray. Adam is on the Who is Me tour. He's going to Vegas, North Carolina, South Carolina. He's going everywhere. AdamRayComedy.com for tickets. This episode is brought to you by Blue Chew, Talkspace, and Shopify. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebelts is in. It is incredible. It is indeed Jeremy and Matt Reif. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Oh, fuck yeah. That's Matt Reif. A Megan Rapinoe with a mustache. That is a... He got my mustache. Machine Gun Kelly. Shout out to the great Bonesai for making these amazing joke books and so many great leather handmade goods available at killmerch.com, which is thriving with a bunch of great merchandise out there right now. Red Band. Check out the secret show every Thursday at the Sunset Strip, ATX.com. Thank you. All right, people. We did it. We love you. Thank you. Good night. God bless this audience. God bless the United States of America. Thank you, everybody. Bye, guys. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.