Milking with Colin Quinn

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Pan-fried in yours. And now, The Bonfire with Big J. O'Crisen and Robert Kelly. Oh, Jay's rolling in his grave right now. Is that the Partridge family? Yes! It is. There you go. I knew I'd get it. Partridge? Oh, God. What's up, everybody? It's me, Robert Kelly. And as you can tell by the music choices, Big J's not in studio. And I let my guest pick the tune. The great Colin Quinn is filling in for Jay. Oh, my God. And here's the problem. I gotta admit, it really does make you... The Partridge family really did put a smile on my face. You can't help but like it. It's great. Jacob's smile. He never smiles at the music show. No, he loves his song. Jacob pretended he didn't know it. He knew it very well. Oh, he knows it. He goes, I think I know it. You don't think you know it. It's in the rotation. Is it David Cassidy? Yeah. David Cassidy. And didn't he have a brother? Sean Cassidy. Sean Cassidy was his brother. He had a hit song too. What was his hit song? He was on The Hardy Boys, right? Yes. Right, but he was the cool one. The other one was just the good-looking one, right? Yeah, that's exactly right. The Sean Cassidy had like buck teeth or some weird shit. Yeah, but he had a little vibe going. He had a vibe. The Do Run Run. He sang a remake of Do Do Run Run. Yeah, Do Do Run Run, which was a huge song. How can you not sing that? Play that, Lowe. Yeah. Do Do Run Run Run. Look at Paco's like, what? Yeah. Do Do Run Run Run. Do Do Run Run. Yeah, but you know what they had? You know what he had that was my favorite thing? Here it is right here. This is our music back in America. This is what Trump wrote. He wants to get back to this. I played this over and over and over. Of course, when I was a kid. On cassette. On cassette. Oh, I had the album. Oh, you had an album? Yeah. I had this on cassette. The Do Run Run Run. The Do Run Run. When America was simple and so were songs and girls were easy. Girls were easy. They'd actually give up some cootie for a song like this. The thing that he had. Meanwhile, Black Blues like, they stole this from Howlin' Wolf back in 1937. We stole it all. We stole it all and made it corny and digestible. His co-host on the Hardy Boys, co-star was Parker Stevenson. Parker Stevenson. Kirsty Alley said, massive penis. Got a big penis. She was married to him. Really? Yes. And they got divorced, of course. They get divorced. Yeah. Well, you can't stay with a girl who has monkeys. She had monkeys as pets. Yeah. What are they called? Lemas? She had a whole backyard for the lemas. You know, I was once in Florida down by, I don't know, near West Palm. We'll see where this is going. Near West Palm. And I was walking. I was staying with this girl and I was walking in this weird, like a weird, like, loc- it was houses. But anyway, the shorts version is they all had, you know, screens. But in one screen, I'm walking by. Ah! There was this monkey. And every day I would forget about it because I was stoned and drunk. And every day I'd walk by. And it would come out. I'd go, ah! And scream every day. But he was trapped. Like, she had him trapped. Like, and this monkey wanted to get out and kill. You could just see it wanted to kill people. It was a bad neighborhood? It wasn't a bad neighborhood. It was like a redneck kind of neighborhood. Thanks, Kirsty. It was a redneck neighborhood. That was a joke. Sorry. Bad taste. Thank you, Parker. I got it. Um, when I was in Costa Rica, the Airbnb that we had, every morning, at the same time, around 30 howlamunkies would come out. And then, you know, the lead one would come out and then make sure it was cool. And then the little ones would follow with the women. And they'd just hang out in the tree and just sit there and, and you weren't supposed to do that. But I did that. Yeah. That sound. Wow. Exactly. Crazy. And then they were, they would just hang out in the tree, look at you, and you're not supposed to look them in the eye, because that's like a sign of aggression. Sure. Where they just, you know, they would, you know, and it's so funny, I couldn't keep eye, I was trying to just keep eye contact with the, the one, one had huge balls. Right. Which I thought was amazing how big their balls were. And I was staring them in the eye and I actually bitched me out at look down. Like Jim Florentine, he has huge balls. How do you know that? One time we were at the pizza place. And everybody's saying Jim has huge balls. He's like, I have huge balls. He was the first one to just say it. Yeah. So I go, let's see. He goes to the bathroom. We're sitting at the table. I go like a pizzeria. And he goes in the bathroom and just stands there and opens the door slightly and takes his balls out. The door's open. Was it worth it? And then he could have walked by. I don't remember being blown away, but I remember thinking, yeah, I guess he's that big enough to, where he shows them. You're not like, what are you doing? Those aren't huge. They were big enough that you were like, okay, good. You sat down at pizza? Yeah. We were in the middle of eating, watching. I don't know why having balls, the, there was a certain stage in my life showing your balls was just fun. It's funny. I don't know why it's fun to pull your balls out. Not the dick. I don't like pulling my balls. Balls is funny. Dick and balls, not funny. Balls. Hilarious. I used to weigh tables at La Familia, Georgia's shout out La Familia's. And me and Aldo Benny, who was La Familia. And we used to, we used to weigh tables. And it was, you know, mob, whatever kind of run place. And we used to have our balls out under our aprons. Oh my God. And we used to do the launch rush. Oh my God. And we used to, we used to go, hey, hey, Al. And I would pull my apron up and show my nuts. But right next to tables, just to see if we could get caught doing it. Never got caught. Thank God you never got caught. If it was a mob, what if it's a mobbed guys, aunt and his sister in law. They were at a table. It was, it was a $5, $5, $5 dishes special meal. It was all fucking penny pinches from the, the district, the financial dish. It was never, they only came in on weekends. Joe the barber. But it was in, it was in North End, right? North End, best, best Italian section in the world, by the way. Yeah. A friend of mine, he was a waiter for a while. And one of the women sitting at the table really pissed him off. So complained about her cappuccino. And so he took it and frothed the milk with his nut sack hair and gave it back to her. And she, she said it was great. It's too far. She didn't complain after. It's too far. Too much. It's too much. Your friend's a psychopath. Yeah, dude. She's a sociopath. Yeah. You don't want to dip your balls and stuff. That's too far. Is this friend working and sitting on a microphone right now? No. Well, you know, there used to be, I used to go out this girl. She told me she worked in Japan and they would, there was a restaurant, a bar people would go to where the waiters would stir the drink with their penis. Like that was part of the hook. In Japan? In Japan. In Japan. I know. Are you sure? Is Japan? Yeah. It took 30 minutes to get a drink. But isn't that crazy? Like people would go there. Like that was part of the hook of the place. Like, oh, and you'd watch the guys stir the drink with their penis. Well. She said Japan was very perverted. I tell you what, it is a good hook. I'd go. I would go once. I would go. You have to go just once. Yeah. Yeah. I love taking my balls out back in the day. I won't take them out now. They're too big now. You could have worked in Japan. Big in Japan, as they say. I could work there because of my face too, according to you. Yes. Yeah, whatever. I look like, yeah. I look like what? You look like you probably put an on-bar on Jean-Claude Van Damme at some point in the early 90s. Real quick, where am I playing next weekend? At the end of. Where am I playing? Oh, shit. I don't remember. Oh, wait, wait, wait. Uncle Vinny's now. Nope. You already did Uncle Vinny's. I did. Two pieces shit. Yeah. Um, you just did Uncle Vinny's. Hold on. It's somewhere from. Oh, it's like a weird, oh, wait a minute. It's a weird Ohio gig or weird. It's somewhere Illinois or Ohio. It's a strange. It's, yeah. Two different locations. No. Yes. No. Two different locations. I'm going to be, it's a trick question. I'm opening for Shane in Boston. You would have never got it. Oh, but the next other gig after that is some weird Illinois or Ohio gigs that we each went separate. I'm in Ohio, Cleveland, you're right. And then I'm actually, and then I'm doing, uh, I'm doing New Orleans. New Orleans, yeah. And Alabama the next night. That's crazy. It's crazy, Quinn. It's nuts. It's, you gotta stop. You gotta get another hobby and it's only me. It's only you. I go downtown and go all around. It's only me. I don't understand it. It makes me fucking frightened. We were talking about, uh, we're the only comics all week long. I packed the show with all comics that did not get, uh, are not going to Netflix as a joke festival in LA. Yeah. Yeah. No, you're not going. Voss is on tomorrow. He ain't going and Versus on Wednesday. Here you go. No. None of us got invited. The Bonfire Festival. It's the, yeah, we're pre-release a festival. There you go, Jake. This is the, this is the Bonfire Fest. Yeah. We're doing our festival. They, they're saturated with comics. There's so many comics it's, it's annoying. There's a lot of comics. There's actually comics that aren't comics. There's actually people who aren't comics that are doing comedy at the festival. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's, but it's also obnoxious. That many people and all the LA fans are going to be forced to go, even though they don't want to go. It's too many people, like people feel compelled to go like the, like, okay, they're giving us discount, more tickets. Okay. Eight for 12. And it's just going to be packed with people that don't want to be there. Eight for 12. Well, I'm going to say they give you like 12 for eight. 12 for eight. Well, here's the thing. By the way, no one's ever said, I don't know why I started to invent that. I love, I love that that's the excuse where we didn't get picked to go. Yeah. Because we don't, we're not part of the saturation of comedy. Oh, is that it? The overexposure of comedy. We're trying to stand tall. Well, we're doing a damn good job of not being over saturated. I tell you that this whole week is full of guests who aren't over saturated. That's right. I mean, every single person I know is at the festival. Yes, they're all there. Even people I didn't think were there. They're like, oh no, he's doing that show there. Ari's out there. Yeah. Ari's out there. Jay's out there. Lewis is out there. Joe List is out there. Right. Is Joe List out there? Yeah. I saw Joe List the other day. Dan Soda's out there. I gave Joe a good talking to him because Joe left me a message. Here's what bothers me and I don't blame it's not just Joe, but let's put Joe on, you know, for the hell of it. Is he leaving as he goes, hey, you don't have to call me back to just say hi. Don't tell somebody you don't have to call me back. Obviously now the ball's in their court. So if you leave me a message, you don't have to call me back. You don't have to call you back to say I'm going to appear to you. Yeah. But you know what that is? That's because Joe didn't want to call you in the first place. That's because he was calling just to say I called. And when you didn't pick up, it's like, dude, I'm in. I, Ting, you're it. I'm out. But he doesn't want you to call us. He's not tagging, right? He does not want to talk to you. He does not want to. That's the thing who somebody's going, I haven't called him a while. I feel bad. And then he calls and you don't pick up. Thank God. Hey, man, you don't have to call me back. But whatever he's calling you and he's out. And I, that's so funny. And you know, I said it to him too. And he goes, so what? You got a new bit. Yeah. Joe is not a, he never calls. He never calls. Norton never calls. Well, Norton put us, Norton put us in our place about 14 years ago. We all kept calling them. One day we started talking to each other going, does Norton ever call you back? He never calls me back. It's pissing me off. It goes never goes to me back either. He, he'll respond. And even with texts, he'll respond to texts. He's like a, he's like a Gen Z personality with this kind of thing. He won't call you ever. Never calls. And he'll text when he feels like a two days later. It will be two days later. And then I'll be like, dude, what the fuck? It's two days later. Yeah, dude, I was at the gym for two days. Two days. It's like, what the fuck you talking? It's weird. Norton did release us from a friendship that we had. Like I call Voss, I call you, I call Keith. You pick up, we talk. If you call Norton, he won't pick up. No, he's, he has rules. He'll say, text me, it's better. And then he won't call back. Yeah. And then he won't, he has, he has weird boundaries that he set up with us. Is, do you think we did something? I mean, how could we all have done the same thing? That's ridiculous. If it was one of us, you'd say, I might, he's pissed at me. We're very similar. Well, yeah. I mean, it was very, I mean. Well, so is he though. I'll tell you, we're gonna have to test out that MMA on him and see if it's really working. He keeps himself, oh, oh, headbutt that fool. And see what he's got. He's not taking MMA to fight us or anybody else. He's taking it to defend himself at his house. You know that, you know. He's taking MMA courses. James taken, or he's taken Jiu-Jitsu. And he's taken something else. Muay Thai. He's been doing it for like three or four years, consistently twice a week. Yeah. That's pretty good. And Muay Thai is probably his specialty because he does look like a very tight, he looks like a little tight. You know what I mean? He's statured and he's got those big calves that a lot of Asians have, no offense, but they do. But you look at him right there. Yeah, there you go. Have you seen him fight? No, he doesn't fight. He won't fight. He's not fighting. He's training. Well, have you seen him train and fight? Well, he won't let us go to the, that would be so awful. He'd show up. If he doesn't even want us to call, can you imagine when we show up at his gym and we're looking through the window like we're his parents? It's like Cobra Kai. No, I can just see him though. No one ever gets a choke on him. It just slips out. Yeah, it just sinks in. Jim never taps. All his limbs are flexible. It's like trying to do jiu-jitsu with a booger. I mean, I love Jim, but I can't imagine him because you know, I go to Max's jiu-jitsu and it's pretty aggressive. These guys are pretty aggressive. I would love to go and watch him just audit a class, just watch Jim wrestle. I bet he's in a triangle intentionally. I bet if he goes to Max's class, he would fit right in. They'd think he was a 14-year-old. Oh, I'd love to put him and Max together to see Max choke him out. Oh, that'd be fantastic. And thanks to him right in front of his girl, Nikki. Oh, Jimmy, you get choked up by a 12-year-old. I just gave her a Puerto Rican accent. I don't know what she had that accent. That was his fantasy of the trans. Oh, you know what happened this weekend, which was awesome. I'm so excited to tell everybody the whole crew because you're part of it. I'm very excited. I got boob pic and I got a sexy note on social media. And I'm talking. It wasn't sexy. It was dirty. Right down my alley. Whoa. I got a boob pic. So I got to thank you, fan of the show, because I was complaining last week. I never get anything. I don't believe you. You got to ask. You don't believe? So you want to see it? Yes. All right. I'll show you, but I do. I don't want you judging the boobs. No, I don't want judging. I see boobs. All right. I'll show you boobs, but I don't want judging of the boobs. All right. Beggars can't be choosers. They're I like them. They're very big. And I would say, I don't know. Should I show them? I feel like they're- Male or female? Guys have boobs now too. Don't be so intolerant. No, I'm not intolerant. It's female boobs. Oh, here we go. You ready for this? You ready for this? Yep. There's the dirty message. You want to hear the dirty message? Yeah. Do you want to hear it? Yeah, then the boob pick. I should have- Well, here's the problem with the dirty message. Oh, too dirty. No, it was perfect. Right down my alley, I was so into it, but then at the end, she threw Dawn in the mix. Oh, well, she's trying to be polite. She's like, yeah, I don't want to be- I don't want to break up your marriage. Yeah, but it was like right- I was in it. I was reading it. And then all of a sudden it's like in- Dawn's yelling. You pictured Dawn yelling at you. You going, how are you doing? She's- it said you and Dawn should- I was just like- Should Pocco read it? Huh? Should Pocco read it? Yeah, Pocco, come over here. Now- Could you read it in female voice? Now, I'm not going to reveal who it was. So I don't want you to see the name because you'll fucking hit her up and like her and follow her. Pervert. All right. Yeah, grab that microphone. We're a professional radio show. You don't need to use my mic. Okay, ready? Yeah. Go ahead. Now, read it in a sexy way. His voice is too deep. No, do it in your voice voice, like your father's voice. Milk you. I think you're so sexy. I want you to come in my mouth. Light your cigar for you. Rub your shoulders. I want to put all your balls in my mouth. How many do you have? Two, I got two. She said all your balls. Well, she could have said one and I would have been like, well, what about the other one? But she should have said your balls. Well, all is three. Okay. Wait a minute. Two is best. I mean, when you say ball, you can't just say I want to put your ball. Yeah, all is too much. I told you not to judge it. Okay, but you're right. Balls is too much. You said don't judge the booze. All is too much. You're right. I want to put all your balls in my mouth. It's way too much. All right, we're going to have to. I thought that was Ani. Yeah, is it Ani? It's not Ani. It's real. And I really thank you so much for this. But you should next time you write a letter. Yeah. Use singular or plural. Yeah. Don't use all. Okay, ready? I want to put all your balls in my mouth. Can you just change it real quick? Let's just change it because you're ruining it. I want to read this later and I'm going to have to. Just change it to balls. Okay. I want to put balls in your mouth. No, no, no, no. Pago, you're not taking the note. I want to put. He did it. I want to put. He did it deliberately. I'm going with a bit. Pago, I want you to just say put your balls. Okay, ready? Just say, just change it to balls. Put your balls. No, I want to. I want to put your balls in my mouth. I know how you do it gently. It will make you twitch to X. She's not retarded. Can you read it again? That's it. Oh, she did a tableau. That's not him. That's it. Oh my God. First draft. Well, she wrote it for me so I would understand it. You understand? So this is Bobby Slang. She probably could have wrote it right, but it's for me. I didn't hear. I read none of this, by the way. I read this and it was fine. Balls, all balls. All right, go ahead. All right, start from the top again. Milk you. I think you're so sexy. I want you to come in my mouth. I do. Lighten your cigar for you. Rub your shoulders. I want to put all your balls in my mouth. No, no, stop. I want to put your balls. Wait, oh shit. I showed you her name. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. You're killing me, Pago. Go. I want to put your balls in my mouth. I know how to do it gently. It will make you twitch to ecstasy. You and Don should get ahead from me. Make her relax. That's where I'm at. That's where I'm at. Why does she get to relax? Why do I, I mean, right then I was like, fuck. I just, Don's face popped in, just judgmental. Like you can smell shit, but you just don't know where it is. Well, I'm getting all my balls put in my mouth. And you know what? Yeah. That girl's in LA at the Netflix set. Putting all of Jay's balls in her mouth. Even she got a spot. Oh God, I was so excited to get that. And now, is- On the, uh- Do you think Jay's going to see a little Kev out there? Uh, yeah, of course he is. You can see the picture. Do you think he's going to be a little pervert, Jacob, once you see the picture? All right, let's see. All right, you want to see it? Good point, he's right. Just proof of life. You're right. Hang on, I'm fine. I'm changing the subject, you're right. No, you can change it. Here you go. I'm trying to find it. Here we go. Nope, that's not it. Whoa. Oh, maybe they took it down. Oh. Oh, no, here it is. I got it. You ready? Yep. I don't want to get on camera. Bam. Oh my God. What? Oh my God, what? Is that, oh my God, bad or good? Nice. What? Big. Yeah, I told you they were big. You're judging them. I told you not to judge them. No, I said they're nice. They're not for you, though. Huh? He's excited about them. Let us see them. I'm going to relax you, man. Nice. Oh, they on camera? Sorry, you take those off. I think those qualify as all your boobs. Oh my God. But let me tell you something. She does the same thing with her boobs that I do with my stomach when I'm showing my penis. I pull up the fat. Her boobs are so big, you have to pull them up a little bit. Yes. I do. I do. I'm so, thank you very much. I finally, out of two and a half years of doing the show, I got some good ones. I got some good ones. Had no time to use them, by the way. That's a good one. Yeah, that was a good one. Do you get boo pics? Me? I mean, I'm a gig. You get mastectomy pics? I was so happy to, and then this happened. This fucked me up. I was, I'm sitting at, I got this the night before. I was very excited. And she actually, I really put it in at the end I go, hey, you had me till you said her name, my wife's name. So she redid it. I think, did she redo the all too? I think she redid it. Oh, that would suck if she redid it all. Paco. Paco, get over here Paco. I think she redid the all, maybe. Well, you know, she was like, you didn't tell her like, also while you were at it, could you? Oh, here it is right here. Spot editing. There you go. There you go Paco. I wrote, I wrote, well, well, well, you had me till dawn. That's what I wrote. Right. All right, go ahead. All right, and then she puts three emojis. So it's like, That was great. Good work. Good fully work, Paco. Dang it. I just wanted to let you know that you do have female fans that find you very sexy, especially with the beard. Oh, I'm keeping it. I, I would wash you slowly. Oh, I love being washed. I love being washed. We know from your Rub and Tug days. Oh, my God. Have you been washed? No. You've never been washed? No. Oh, you don't know it is to be a man. Oh, being washed is one of my favorite things. Oh my God, go ahead. I would wash you down slowly, rub you down and milk you. Do you know what milk is? She wants to hose you down? No, I'm not a fucking elephant. You're a piece of shit. It's not using a hose. I'm not in the backyard. Where does she wash you though? What is she all over, dude? Not about where. In the bathtub. In, well, on the, probably a table or in the tub. Yeah, probably on the tub. Don't get too crazy. Don't, don't break this down too much. What? We watch good. Let's see what else she says. All right, go ahead. Please. Rub you down. Do you know what milking is? Church, a handjob. In Asia, it is tit fucking. No. What? No. No. I've been watching lately. In South America. Have you been watching Asian tit fucking? Why? I don't know it just comes on my algorithm. Yeah, but it got there somehow. I saw it out Nothing with Asian tip fucking yeah, but they say I want to milk you many times over well Well, no meaning the milk of the tits milking is when you're on all fours And they reach from behind and pull it almost this is gonna make me look bad again like I'm a cow Like you milk a cow right like that Comes from when I was my fat days when I got into that milking a prostate. I thought it was there No, it's not milking table. Well, that's all I like that That's a massage table with a hole where your penis is and there's a woman underneath milking you I think I had to get up. He actually had to climb up a ladder to get up there Well Well, it's a loft it's a massage loft That's the official milking table when you don't have enough money for a milking table or you have a family where you can't go Hey, Don, I have an Amazon package coming today. Don't open it And then I have to I have a milking table in the garage next to my son You have to get on all fours And do it my way mine's the poor people way when you get on all fours and they they milk you from behind Paco read I feel like one of those Those guys in Times Square read The black is realized yeah the black Paco read read in a world of noise and uncertainty IG is the investment platform that backs you Take a reflexable stocks isa which gives you the freedom to withdraw funds any time and replace them in the same tax year All without losing your 20,000 pounds tax-free allowance and if that's not enough pay no commission on your stock shares and ETFs When you invest with IG IG trade invest progress Your capital's at risk other fees may apply tax treatment depends on individual circumstances and a subject to change I'm in the kitchen with Charlie bigum. So what have we got here Charlie my brand new pan fry pad Thai noodles noodles But your mr. Fish pie guy guilty and while ovens rule at roasting the pan is king of noodling Whether it's Pad Thai yaki soba or laxer finding that perfect texture is a bottomless noodle rabbit hole But all I have to do is stir it in the pan for six minutes, right bingo Try the new Charlie bigums Asian pan-fry noodle range handmade in my kitchen pan-fried in yours I Would wash you slowly rub you down and milk you stop right there Milking is when you get on all fours if you don't have money to get a milking table And they milk you like a cow until you come now read I Would wash you down slowly stop right there. I like to be washed men should be washed read I Would wash you down slowly Paco's so good at you down and milk you and take it all in my mouth and relax It's not gonna be hard to take it all in our mouth So whenever you feel down no you always have had sex appeal baby But wait a minute he added the kiss that's not in there. Oh, but why did she say I'll take it all in my mouth and relax I'm sure she has a family around her and she's trying to get this in to make me feel good She's not she's not putting too much into it. Well, it's a little strange to say relax you cuz I said nothing right there Okay, well, I we can we can re-edit it and why did you have to shit? Why do you have to rub your shoulder? Goddamn, you know, why do you have to rub your shoulders? It's such a writer. You're such a you're looking at it like it's a script It's it's just a sexy thing All the things that I like being washed so but the you know the sad part is that she knows you think it's like a real classy gentleman thing I'm gonna light your cigar. You're like, oh, I did I'm in the upper echelon Oh Hearing him read it Maybe it made me a little sad too. She goes so next time you're sad Whatever, I'm not sad. I just wanted to tip pick and some sexy talk. I'm pretty happy with my life You don't get that stuff at all now damn Nothing, I got all that stuff. You don't even check your emails. No, I don't but but I see it back in a long time Before email you got it. You got pictures on MTV and stuff, you know girls are just you're saying you got letters I got letters with wax on it with a stamp Yeah, you know what it open up like the Constitution here. Yeah, I will milk the and suck all the balls What's actually send Polaroids? Oh Polaroids member Polaroids. Oh my god, did I love a Polaroid? It's great. It's the best because they can't they don't want it to be There's no trace. It's just take a poll and that's it was done. Yeah, there's Polaroids were the best because you get those little ones you hid Yeah, I told you one of the biggest fights me and Don ever got into is We were sitting down eating dinner when I lived on 47th Street And I don't know there was something we got in a some stupid fight me all me Maybe the fight was over the fact that he didn't say we lived on 47th Street It was a point when she was paying off the bills You're right to shag when we lived on 47th Street And we got in a big fight. I don't know about me. I don't know something some stupid some dumb argument that I it was all me 100% me and I flipped the plate. I used to be a plate flipper, right? And that was my you know fucking denero. What the fuck you ruined the you burnt the steak And I did that and Dawn does not get mad. She does not flip out at all, but when she does It's devastating because she holds she holds ammunition So things that happen. She'll take it and hold it and store it Of course all there's women do of course. I all do it. Yeah, it's it's it's fuck you do that too. Do you have stuff? You always do you have stuff you can bring up in a no Women do guys don't we get it out right then and there. Yeah, we fucking Flip something there and it all comes out women hold tickets Yeah They hold ammunition and they calmly take it and take it and take it just holding it in taking notes and apparently I Said something to her. Oh, you know what it was about. I thought I thought she was cheating on me with somebody I Thought she was cheating on me with somebody and I lightly asked her about it I thought she was so fucked up. I thought it was she was cheating on me with the old the old Superintendent of our building the Spanish dude, and I I They were friendly. What are you laughing at? You're projecting Like the super that laugh really stings She lays it in right it's to be fun and then it can really hurt I never I never knew that laugh was a weapon No, so I I just brought it up like hey, so so what are you you you like this guy and she got so mad at me She fucking and I should we started fighting I flipped the I go fuck the meatloaf or some shit like that She goes oh, yeah, and right when she said oh, yeah, I knew she was going to she went to get something like oh fuck me She found something oh And she went into my alcoholics anonymous big book Where I stored my Polaroids from over the years You know my little you know not now but back then you know what I mean like old You really don't want to throw those out because God forbid somebody finds them and they're out in the public somewhere So you got to kind of hold on to I'm doing a service. That's absolutely. Thank you. I like this you like the Smithsonian Exactly Exactly, I'm the Smithsonian for tits and ass so that So you know what I mean guys? I don't want you can't just throw that shit out It could get find up in the wrong hands. That's true so I held on to it I put it in my big book and She went right over my big book as soon as she grabbed it. I was like, oh, boy I thought she's not gonna read me a passage about acceptance or letting go She grabbed it. She goes what are these and she threw them on the table and The first thought was like fuck now. I'm gonna have to throw these out I was like god damn it. I really like these ones These are from a long time ago and I really use these every once in a while to hook up with old Wendy Oh Wendy from Boston and I was like those are from a long time ago And she's like yeah, yeah, and I and I took him and I threw him in the trash. I don't give a fuck about these Oh, did I give a fuck about those? And I remember she's so spiteful. She went over and tied the garbage up Took it down to the fucking trash She knew exactly what she was doing. Oh The Polaroids with a shit now if she had had to leave and go out that day to go to work Would you have gone in that garbage and ripped it open like there was a golden ticket from Willy Wonka in that trash Where I went through that like a rat God, do I miss those photos? Oh, there was such good ones They weren't they weren't too they weren't too graphic. No, they're just brought back memories They were for me too like she took them for me years before even New well, you know, we knew each other but not shut up Christine. I gotta get this fucking timing right Before your rebirth I just shut up and move on I couldn't find him So Masal has them now Yeah, I missed that now it's I remember I got that's one of the things I got caught with was when the phones got photos and Video I was the first one to have videos and phone on the I had the first video phone the flip phone it had video on it and I remember I had video on my phone of some stuff and I Remember I God, it was so bad. You remember this. You're the one who saved my life You saved my I have a marriage and a son now because of you because you're the only friend I have That's not a piece of shit This doesn't even you don't remember it in the cab What talking in the cab no, no, what you don't remember this fucking moment This is like one of the biggest moments of my life Which one tell me give me more detail you're in the middle of right right this thing when I got caught cheating Okay We had a conversation apparently it didn't affect you as much as it affected me well was it just a conversation no I got caught with I Left my phone at the seller and dawn had called was calling me and I wasn't picking up So she called the seller Heather the waitress picked up and she dawn was like who's this she picked up my phone my phone was ringing behind the bar Heather picked it up. We see about phones. Oh good dumb move. She picked it up and goes. Oh, he's not here. He left a while ago Fucking asshole. Oh dawn goes. I'll be right there. Oh She went Fuck you she went down and got the phone and And there was some stuff on there some stuff not recent stuff but stuff and then I came home late, which I did and the door was locked and Then I heard the elevator go ding and it was dawn had my phone My iPad my computer might had all of my gadgets with stuff on it And she was crying She was crying. She's like you're I'll never forget it Because she found all my stuff even the one that was in taxes 2006 fire Which which is so stupid for me to do I've never done the I Mean I should have put it in call-a-duty file was something stupid. I put it in a math folder Because you're thinking the way you would think if you saw a taxes thing like I'm not good at that thing. Oh Exactly, I put in something I wouldn't look at it's not something she wouldn't look at you know what I mean I should have put it in push-ups Workout regiments. Yeah Yeah, I'm never forget what she said she was crying and I was like fuck when I saw with all my stuff And she goes you're a fucking serial killer You're like a serial killer and I was like fuck and then we went in and we talked and we cried and blah blah blah And she was like, you know, you have to get help if you don't get help I got I'm leaving and then I called every one of my friends And I said to I go She goes what do you want to do? I go? I don't know yet. I have to really if I'm going to do this I have to make the decision and she went all right I go give me two days and I called Patrice He said you're a piece of shit. Let her go. I called Dane dude. Let her go your hunk of garbage Norton let her go boss. Duh Let her get somebody she deserves Every single friend except for you you said try to get help try to work it out Give yourself eight months if an eight months is still a piece of shit And you can't do it let her go but if you don't you regret it for the rest of your life and I did And I got I went to therapy. That was the first time I went to therapy That was the first time you did therapy I went to therapy right then for that was that Alan That was not Alan. I went to the ball guy with two fucking lion dogs that used to scare the shit out of me and Every every therapy session you had two dogs like lions next to him and they do this And you go it's okay there it's okay, and I'd be like it's not okay. I'm terrified I'm fucking terrified. He'd be like it's okay. I'm like I don't whatever this is I don't like And then I I wound up leaving him those he had two of those what are those called chow chows chow chows They have blue tongues. Oh my god It's the most frightening fucking dog and then the ground their tongue comes out. It's like blue That's iconic and two of them fucking not one two in every therapy session I would go and he had a bow tie to he had a bow tie ball He was a complete douchebag and he was $250 a session Whoa, and I had that that's when I left him when I got Alan I got Alan and then you know my my first time I was in with Alan He you know I sat down and I go listen. You're not making me into a fucking gay boy He goes you're already a gay. You're here real men don't go to therapy I was like this is the guy for me this guy knows exactly who I am Don't tell you about my friend that had you don't remember saying that to me. I remember yes I think you'll throw in some big incident. I remember talking about the stuff of course That was a huge incident, but I'm saying it was a conversation you acting like it was some other like a thing I mean you gave me some of the greatest advice I've ever had in my life. I'm glad what about my friend What about my friend? It's such to me that when you live through something your version is always different than the other person's version Like wouldn't mean as much to him. We saved one of his closest friends I mean we have max because of him not from a drowning Not from a car In a river. He just gave you a talk Yeah, when all my other women I'm saying instead of saying a car drowning what you say not from a vacation Because I'm a hero But let me tell you about my friend who was a who went to a therapist who must be the guy with the car dogs My friend went to this guy who's actually I heard more about lately, but he was at retired cop and it was you know a Reformed like wild crazy cop, but he sat there and my friend sat and every time a guy crossed his legs His ankle holster with his gun would show That's worse than dogs I Might have to quit therapy man is getting too expensive. What do you mean my insurance? It's it's too much I might have to go to better help. What's our code? What's our code bonfire? I? Might have to go to a better help for some therapy. It's too expensive. I can't afford it. It's like 300 bucks a session now This is commercial It's not a commercial well I just feel like kind of you know came out of nowhere Well, I'm gonna talk about therapy and I might have to quit you go to therapy. No, you don't go to therapy I'm sorry if you're saying it like that. I Said a little shocking. Yeah, you don't go to therapy at all. No, why you don't believe in it What? How many conversations we have you know I went to therapy for a long long time so you quit why you acting? No, I told you my my guy retired That's old what that's that's crazy. Yeah, that you got he was an old guy was he old well Alan's old as shit, too He's never he's never gonna be a there's gonna be a bunch of unhealthy comedians in New York in a few years And he takes he takes August off which bugs me takes the whole take August. What is that? That's just the thing I don't know why is it a therapist thing or is it never see that movie? What about Bob with Richard Dreyfus and and Bill Murray one of my favorite movies of all time There was August when we took August off and Bill Murray goes in stocks. You know where he went to right? Lake Winnipeg sake was that that's where I live. That's where my house is up That's where they shot that lake region. Yeah, Lake Winnipeg sake and then Richard Dreyfus years later Said he hated Bill Murray hated his guts. He said he was an Irish drunken bully He was an iron and they hated each other and all the hate in the movie is real hate The director loved it because they really he really hated Bill Murray a lot of people hate Bill Murray, too, by the way Yeah, yeah, he sounds like a piece of shit. I never want to meet him because I love him so much Well, you're gonna say so funny. I'm saying I know you it's important to work on yourself, but you Is there not an end date to therapy like you guys are talking like you you only stop because your guy retired I was talking about my guy. I didn't stop. He stopped right you would have continued He's like I'll catch you later. I'm like So you're cured you basically just gotta say guess I've had enough You'll be alright my therapist called me a lifer I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing He just says I'm a lifer like I'll always be doesn't seem good I guess it doesn't seem good when you look at it like that But it's yeah, there's different arguments about therapy some people say what you're saying which is like they should be an end date They should come to the end of the problems and some people say well, you know Obviously if we're if we're in there, we're not you're not gonna get cured You're just gonna you know as it goes along you just keep I mean you really get cured of anything if you think about You can get cured of AIDS AIDS get cured of AIDS cancer Hopefully, but I mean I hear about like Howard Stern. He has like a lifelong Therapist he's been in for like 30 years or something like that does meditation to he does what's it called TM? He does TM Meditation and so do you or you know, I don't do it anymore. You do it and when you do TM. I don't know if you know this but you get a word It's called a mantra a mantra you get a mantra and I wanted to do TM Jacob It's a funny story. I wanted to do TM, but I didn't have enough money to pay for the TM and get your mantra So I just called my friend Colin Quinn Who's did was doing TM had a mantra and I said hey, can I just have your mantra? And he said no, I said of course not that's not how it works Why can't I have your mantra because TM is not you don't pass them first of all They would only you paid one person and everybody else uses the same mantra second of all you have to sit there for three days You have to bring a guy an orange and an apple Why? They don't tell you why but if you don't show up with it, they send you home How do I know that? Cuz one of my nephews went he's a gunner bring orange how a guy goes go home come back tomorrow with an orange and an apple Yeah, so you went in got your gave your orange and apple three days I don't need to do it one day I think the orange and apple if I remember correctly and then they give you a mantra But you can't be paying passing out to people that haven't paid why? But I'm your friend. It's not the way it works You're not I'm not sneaking you into the goddamn club them bartending at this is about serious TM Well, you don't even do it anymore. No, I stop what is a month? Well, let me just tell you the what is a mantra don't try to trick me into giving it Is it just a real like a phrase it's like oh what well it's like a word like what give it this example Give us an example Um Acorn only it's not a word in English. It's a it's a word in like like what sanskrit or something So what would it be this I'm not gonna fall for this Let me just say the the funniest of all therapy things was rich Jenny RIP who had a routine where he goes people say I need therapy obviously did he was people say I need therapy He killed himself. He was very funny to me, but he goes people say need therapy. He was my only problem with therapy is Woody Allen who I assume went to the top therapist in the world for his whole for 40 years the most prestigious therapists every week for 40 years and he goes and the best he came up with is My agent steppes orders starting to look pretty good I think I'm gonna quit therapy What's that? I think I'm gonna quit therapy like because of today maybe today. I think I'm done I'm gonna go I'm gonna go TM and get my own mantra cuz you won't give me yours, but I stopped doing TM I think they're giving you mantra. No, you're not gonna use it. No, you still can't I just can't do it Is that a is that actually a rule or is that you just being you know, it's a rule There's a rule you can never give you mantra if you give out the mantra it disintegrates into what into the atmosphere into the book Colin do you just keep repeating like acorn? acorn No, it's supposed to do. No, here's what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to Let your thoughts. I can't believe I'm given a free a free seminar, but you know what maybe somebody out there'll use it Maybe some of you helping people right now. So you're supposed to you we supposed to do is supposed to you're not supposed to be like I have to make my mind blank. That's what the suckers do TM is not for suckers TM if you're thinking about something it's aggravating you you're like I keep I'm not gonna Control my thoughts, but I'm gonna breathe and keep going back to my breath and how am I gonna keep focusing my breath? with my mantra so you So you say acorn right whatever yours did you know what yours was in English? No, I don't think it is in English. So your question. So you don't know what it is in English You just know the word in whatever it is. Yeah, I never bothered to research what it meant I probably should have so it's just a word. Is it one word? Is it like how many? I just one word is how many syllables that's classified Just give me a syllable is it one syllable that's classified come on dude Just give me a month. It's a few is a few syllables. It's a few syllables. Yeah, so it's like a lack of a kata Well, you know if you're gonna mark the famous at the ancient Sanskrit language, you're not a fitting candidate for TM I'm glad you're not part of our community Well, you're not even part of it anymore. I am part of it Here's you're not part of it. I am part you can go back whenever you want. I don't know I don't think you can't you know none of the rules about the fucking TM. No go back Okay, don't you just do it on your own you do do it on your own But he he's right in the sense that if I went to a TM they have conferences if I showed up And I haven't done it in five years and the sad part was I was doing it's a pain in the ass To do you have to do 20 minutes twice a day? Oh, I mean it's a real it's a Like my name is coming from Catholic once a week. Yeah, 45 minutes get some bread say I'm sorry and yeah Catholics got it made. We really really stream around me. I know. Why do we stray? Why do we stray from what Catholicism? I don't think we strayed we just stop we stop bringing our kids to church We that's called strain. Well, we didn't they definitely have straight. Yeah, I mean the generation before us that straight It was the one that's straight. Yeah, and Catholic was so easy to be Catholic is much easier I mean they said they lost it when they changed when they got rid of the Latin mass Even if you think the Latin mass would actually make it less interesting. It made it more interesting I have another theory too. I think that is one of the and then when they're making our kids suck their dicks That was another yeah, but that was that boys went on. I mean, well, that was a constant Yeah, but we found out about it. It's almost like you know I feel like people is almost a gaze in the military for a while. You know, don't ask don't tell but most and I always I always Defend the priest because I feel like they weren't just yes There's charmless in every organization like boys cast like pre, you know, there's always They always move in that direction But most of those priests are just gay guys when they were growing up Yeah, people couldn't say my son's gay and like my son's gonna be a priest and then suddenly they'd be like I guess I'm gonna be a priest. So now you're 14. They send you to you know to Cathedral or one of these Seminaries and you're 14 Seminary and you're 14 and you started to feel sexuality It was a good one you associated with the church of Catholicism and you around these other guys that are also going through the same thing Things are gonna happen. It jumps off then Yes, wait, I'll finish it out. The final thing is then you're back into your parish and Suddenly you see a bunch of other 15 14 year old boys standing there the age you are when you were told priest God church Sexuality all combined in your head. So you'll feel like You connect with them in a way you shouldn't connect with them. I really thought this through I really did holy shit It was uncomfortable. Yeah That's it almost sounds like you thought I You're gay That was that was really personal I feel like I really summed it up Christine always leaves when we talk about religion and God She's gonna get out of here Well, why but why don't they let priests just have sex? Yeah, I know just let if you love because when it started they were banging all the they would go around like you know to Thessalonia and fucking Galatia and bang all the women. So they're putting a bad word in as I love college You just said shit. We all just nod our head like we knew what the fuck he's talking about Well, like, you know, Corinthian pause leather they travel these places It's just a guy from Brooklyn with your accent and your face saying these words and actually knowing what they is shocking to everybody Listen and in the room. It's like the old and so the but anyway, so they apparently they were going out and just you know Where women would be getting filled with the spirit of like, oh my god Jesus the word of God like it is for the spirit. All right, and then those guys would take advantage of it and start banging Of course, you know, you could do a bang and women at least right, right? Whoa. What well at least you're having whoa I'm sorry So so your theory is that kids were gay and instead of having a gay kid Make him a priest. Yeah, and then when he becomes a priest, he's around kids that were gay when he was gay And he finds them he's relating to them as they were Yeah, right because these two they wouldn't just they wouldn't just let them be gay in those days They'd be like, I mean people still get weirded out But I mean but in those days that would just it wasn't even a thought in people's heads, you know Yeah, I just think they should let priests get married Get married and have you know what I mean that way if you now especially when your kids gay He they can just be gay now. You don't have to make him a priest Well, I always felt I always said that the church itself would not be the beautiful when you walk into church A straight guy could not have done the interior design on the church. That was gay guys exterior the Gauguels is a straight guy The stone work. Yeah, but it's right inside. Yes the framing the bell bits the candle. Yeah candles are all gay guys Yeah, the beautiful dark reds and just everything about us It's fun. It's so funny because when like I've known I told you I know in three priests that were gay Yeah, but they never say they're gay. No, they never When I was in rehab the overnight priest that was there big chubby faca I used to pose he used to have his priest Alfred on he used to pull it up like over his belly button Yeah, I think what we call that last week the the fucking hemisphere He used to take it over the hemisphere of your fatness He used to make the equator and But a hundred percent he's gay the first night there is like hello Robert, you know, I mean you can't have that voice I know it's it's it's really tragic You can't have killed the Catholic Church which could have been a good great organization Right, and then my priest who I did my fourth step with at the end of my fourth step. He kissed me on the neck but he kissed me Like on the neck a soft kiss and then pulled it like left it and pulled it there and ruin the whole fucking day for me Because I got Jesus. I was just molested. Yeah, I was just molested at 19 I would have been into this when I was 13 or 12 right could have saved me from drugs and alcohol I could have became that guy that I could have become an artist in Bono theater much earlier Oh Yes, we're gonna take a break the great Colin Quinn is here. Don't forget Is out and he's at the Netflix's is Joe's festival with all the other comedians in the world, but we're not Jays out there this week. He's in Los Angeles doing story wars this week He'll be back headlining Austin Memorial Day weekend for tickets and all tour dates go to big j comedy comm and We got the great Colin Quinn in here Colin. What are you probably got Colin wrote a new? Immersive wow, what a word immersive showcased building and it's called building What that what is it? We'll get into it. We get back. All right We'll get into it when he's gonna be producing at the pioneer works in Red Hook this summer July 8th through the 11th With Vinnie Piazzi Jesus mob funded and Catherine Narduchy, oh that sounds like where I know we you didn't get the money for office Seinfeld this time Did you you had to go back to your old neighborhood? Skankfest tickets are available right now So make sure you go there skankfest comm and make sure you check at the end with Irish of fear Go to punch up dot live for all my dates. I'm gonna be doing a special thing in Boston this week And after that I'm in Cleveland. We'll be right back. 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