We Just Want Dane

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Fuck you, you didn't go to some drawing board and hey honey, Christina, here's your coffee. No, I didn't go to a drawing board. I went to a drawing board. You didn't do the shit. You were just sitting on the couch with your fucking phone texting Mike from Oil. What about this? Mike was with me. Oh, you guys were working in your office? Yes. You know, we have an office. Christine has an office. It's true. Well, you're working in my office in front of the TV with the Sixer's place. Exactly. Smoking joints is the fucking least work I've ever heard. No, we got a lot accomplished. You know, here's what sucks about what you just did. I saw you outside. We had a little fun. Yeah, of course. I had a hot dog. He gave me a hot dog. Yeah. Came up. Had some fun in the elevator like we always do. We did. We are. We're elevator hams, which I'm starting to enjoy being. It's good, isn't it? Yeah. I love it. I love it. I'm enjoying being an elevator ham. It's only like under a minute, but it feels good just to make other people feel good. Christine was an outside ham today. Was she? Remember? She started yelling for you down the block. Oh, yeah. I actually... That was a little hammy for Christine. At the beginning of it, I wasn't into it, but then I was like, I love this, Christine. I love show Christine. I love it. And then we got up here. It's cancel therapy today, so she's feeling loose. We got up here and you put Bon Jovi on, which you know gets me going. That was a good call, Lou. Gets me going. Yeah. And I was feeling fantastic. But you had this planned all along. Yeah. I called Lou earlier today. I said, just when he feels like we're probably not even going to get to it. Hit him with it. And Lou, fantastic timing. Your production is off the charts, my man. I really do like that bass part. I was really mad until you did that. It's so 60s, 70s. You don't hear that kind of sound anymore. I don't care who you are. That's going to move you. Move me. Why do they just have like... Again, I know the world doesn't know that stupid song outside of me playing it for them, outside of Philadelphia, but we've really done this in the past before. There really are not many catchy songs for a team. No. Is there another place that plays an original song at the end of the game? Or did they play it at the end of the game? Can I say something? Boston was a white team until like 1992. They're still disturbing me. They had one black guy on the team. I gotta tell you, they somehow stay always still disturbingly white. There's always... The bench is whiteed up good, always in Boston. Yeah. Black Lou, you have some thoughts? Hendrix has been watching championship videos of all sports teams. Okay. So I've been listening to a lot of sports songs. Oh, okay. I'll give you two. We know the Steelers is good. Black and yellow? No. Here we go. That one. Oh, yeah. Remember that guy right there. Yeah, because the crazy guy in the streets. Yes. The Blue Jays have a pretty fun one. Really? Yeah. Canada? Yeah. Really? I'd like to hear that. When they beat the Philadelphia Phillies in 1993. Thank you, my man. Why would you poison his brain with all that stuff? Blame you, too. What, do you not want to be American? Is this it? This is their jam? Okay, Blue Jays. But, Paul, I can't believe the Patriots and the Celtics don't have anything. But we do have championships. For sure. That's why. When you have championships, you need a catchy, stupid song to get your fans going. You have rings. You might be right about that. Yeah. That's not... I don't have a good argument against that. Maybe when you win so much, it's like, we have to be writing songs constantly now? It's too much. We're not into songs. We're into winning. Yeah. The Knicks have a great one. They actually started bringing back. What is it? It was from like the 70s and 80s. Sing it. We are New York and we love basketball. We're gonna take it all. We are the New York Knicks and we're gonna be 10 feet tall. That's it. With the white and orange. That is pretty catchy. You were meant to say that song. It's so cheesy. I love it. This played before they came out. Wow, this is good. You know, Jay-Z brought this one back. He's the Knicks. Wait for this to kick in. You can't help that move. You can't help that move. Yeah. Yeah, this is up there. They finally brought it up. They brought it back. Stoles it from the Sixers. It is a good one. Here it comes. You're gonna have black players on the team to get this song. You're right. Larry Bird was like, I ain't playing that horse shit. You're not wrong. Yeah, the hit from French lick was not gonna be sitting through this. That's not gonna be a hit song either. Jacob's only livin' it over there. Oh. Oh, they have a... You know what it is? Because they have a real band behind it. They got real music behind it. Right, that's like the Sixers song. Yeah. They got funk behind it. That's a funk band. Sixers took it to the next level. This is like, you know, this is like an orchestra. Were you a Knicks fan at some point? I am a Knicks fan. Currently. How? Well, I'm a poor Knicks fan. I am a Knicks fan. Gotcha. I root for the Knicks, yeah. Really? Because of New York? I've always been a Knicks fan. Yeah, my dad used to be able to get us some tickets through his job. Right. So we used to go to the games in the 80s. But was his... Patrick Ewing fell right in my lap one time. Really? Yeah. In Jersey, you could always go Nets. No, we were... Because I grew up in Queens for the first 10 years. Oh, right. You said the Jay-Z was Nets. Yeah. I thought he was Brooklyn. Right. Oh, they went to Brooklyn. Yeah. Okay, yeah. The Brooklyn Nets. They used to be the Jersey Nets, right? New Jersey Nets. And then I think Jay-Z and then bought it and brought it over to Brooklyn. Brooklyn, right. But I bet it's like, it's like Will Smith with the Sixers at one point. He's like a 2% owner for the sake of being able to say he's involved. Like me with the seller in Vegas? Like you with the seller in Vegas. I heard you out there talking about your interior design tonight. Oh, I have to give my input, Jay. He's a 1%er. I have to give my answer. Oh, it's so funny. Noam was on the phone and Jay didn't want anything to do with it. And he was like, hey, tell Jay. I said, hi. It was good seeing him yesterday. And I put him on speakerphone. And he goes, hey, Jay. Actually, the background. Before you tell that, in the background, I was going, he's like, say hi to Noam. I go, no. I go, he goes, Jay, I'll play your new club first. And he goes, I'd love that. I go, no, tell him we're opening another club. Tell him we're opening a different club somewhere else. And he goes, here, say hi. I go, no, I don't want to say hi. Tell him we're opening a club somewhere else. And then he puts him on speakerphone. He goes, no, I'm say hi. And he goes, hey, Jay. And I go, hey, no. Hey, buddy. And Bobby keeps setting me up to fail. He thinks it's funny. I'm setting you up to succeed. Get some balls. It's your friend. You're on the phone with him talking interior design. Feng Shui. Well, businessmen have to do business. Speaking of you being a coward. What? Well, you know, I got a gift for you that I was supposed to give you two weeks ago. Okay. And I immediately saw it and I was like, I have to have it. Okay. And the guy's name is Lee on Instagram, Tommy-lead-comedy on Instagram. You want to get in touch with them. There's two gifts for you actually, sent two, which I thought was great. I'm going to give you the first one. He's a, no, he's a, I don't know if he's community. He, you'll see when I show you the gift, what he does. Okay. And he actually said in this too, that if you like it, you can, he can actually make it for your merch. When you, whatever, whatever you do next. If I ever do merch. Well, if you ever do merch, he can make the, for Skankfest, he can make this for Skankfest and they could sell it at the merch table for you. And next to my black people rule shirts. It's great. Well, I want to show you. I want to show you first off. Okay. This guy is amazing. You've probably seen his work before, but he gave me this one. Oh, the guy makes the action figures. Makes the action figures. This is the big J.O.K. Cousin that, them, they, the two part crowd work special by big jokes. And it's a, it's a miniature little, little action figure of you and your outfit there. How great is that? Isn't that beautiful? Isn't that awesome? That's so cool. Yeah. His name's Lee. Again, Tommy dash Lee dash comedy on Instagram. And on the back, look at the back. He's the detail to the, it's, it's like a real action figure. When you buy an action figure, he puts so much detail into it. That's amazing. That it's awesome. Isn't that awesome? Yeah. And then he gave you another one. This is the one I really wanted, which really makes me happy. It's a big J.O.K. Cousin, the reveal. And it's a picture. It's a little action figure of you with your little shirt on that says black people rule. 19 year old J. 19 year old J. The reveal. There is an action figure and it's right here. I wish you could put a sound box in it. You could push its button. So great. How great is that dude? And he can have, he said he, in the letter, I'll give you the letter to, I don't want to read it on the air because it's your letter. But, um, Oh my God. That's so great. He said, if you wanted though, the reveal for Skankfest as merch for fans. So I think fans should get a hold of this if they want it. If you would make them, he'd have to put, I want to put like jeans on. So it's exactly the outfit you could do whatever, right? Yeah, you can do whatever you like. I have all his information right here. I got a beautiful letter he wrote. That's amazing. He's a super fan of you and comedy. And, uh, there you go. The reveal. Thank you so much, Tom. That's the reveal. Yeah, he has a lot of amazing stuff he makes. When I saw it on the internet, I literally went, I have to have that. And it was so hard for me to give that up. I wanted that just on my key chain, the reveal. Oh yeah. But it needs to be in your possession. Uh, that needs to be your thing. You gotta. If you're gonna put it in your key chain, I might have to give you the reveal. No, you have to put that. You gotta, I think we leave it in the studio right here and just have somebody put it here every day. We don't have our own studio, so we have no merchant, no stuff. Uh, you should put that up when you do your live thing in the background on the desk. It'd be fantastic. Isn't that awesome? It's so awesome. The reveal. The reveal. Let's see, he does a Burt, a Steve-O, Adam Ray, Adam Ray Zaline, and Jeremy. That's so funny that he's got a, he's got the Jeremy character wearing a Joel McHale shirt. He's so funny. I mean, the detail on these little, what do they call them? Action figures? Yeah, figurines, figurines. Figurines. Yeah. Uh, he's got Burt, no shirt on, Burt, Steve-O, and then the reveal. The reveal. The reveal is my favorite. I almost screamed when I saw it. It was the chain. It was almost like, is that AI? Is that real? The chain. And I said, you have to send, he goes, I go, I need that. And he goes, I'll send it to you tomorrow. I've had it for two weeks. I'm sorry. I didn't, I didn't reveal the reveal last, or the two weeks ago when I was supposed to, but today. It's so great. Yeah. Isn't it awesome? I love it. You should definitely sell the reveal. That's gang fest. Everybody should own one. Yeah. I bet they sell it. It should come with a package deal if you want to buy the black people rule t-shirt also. Oh yeah. Or you can get a reveal. You can actually, he should make it so you can have women's tights that come with it. Oh yeah. Oh like pants down. Yeah. Like the pants should be down and I should have tights, gray tights on into pants down around my ankles. Women's tights for men. Yeah. Yeah. Women's tights for men. Yeah. Women's tights for men that come extra. You can actually do that bit. You, he should do all your reveals. Holding a poem. You should have all these little extra things that come in the box. Women's tights for men, G string underwear. What else did you, what else did you reveal? I hope the, oh the poem. Oh the, the nipples. I have a poem. Yeah the poem, the poem should be in his pocket. These should be like little extras. Oh you're saying all my reveals through the years. We should. A lot of reveals. They should come, they should come with it. Like on the side. Like little things you can put on. I like that. I like little accessories. Accessories. That's it man. Love that. The reveal with accessories. I have a question. Who put Cameron and WWE star Jey Uso get into a fight? Bobby. Well I don't know if I'm a mark. You're such a mark. Yeah but here's the reason why I, I know I'm a mark. I'll admit I'm a mark when it comes to wrestling. Okay. I'm a mark. Yeah. Because I love wrestling. And then you thought rather than get the law involved, they would sort it all out at WrestleMania. I'm a mark. Yeah I'm a mark. Listen man, if there's one thing you know about me, I'll admit it when I am. That was my favorite like Kurt Metzger described when he started getting out of wrestling. It was when the story lines would be like Sandman's like Raven kidnapped my son and took him to Japan and he goes, and if you want him back, when we meet in the ring in two months, you're gonna say, what the fuck? No man, you have to get Interpol involved in this. This is an international crime you've committed. Well I was what? You can't take a man's boy. I'm telling you that rapper dude was good because the way he was insulting Uso, the way he was just throwing these little quick jokes, he's like, yo man, I mean your dad was good. It was heavy handed. Rock was good. Because he has no problem with him in real life. And he's like, we have a problem. He goes, nah man, just do your little interview man. It's like, what? He doesn't have any problem. He's forcing this in so hard. Bobby's a mark. I want to believe. And then when he gets back up, he goes to Mace, where was you? Where was you? And Mace's like, ah, I came over there man. I don't know what came with you. He's like, what? These are guys. You should shoot first, think later guys. I should have known better from watching baddies. This would have went a different way if it was real. Absolutely. Everyone's involved. People are drunk. Titties are flying around, getting kicked in titties. I know. I know. I thought, I was like, oh my god. And then I found out this is not, wrestling's not real. Did they even make it to the ring? I know. I don't think so. We never got to them, the baddies thing. No. I don't think Christine, the titty kick. The girls titty came out and then the girl kicked her right in the titty. Pretty funny. You know, I just got through interviewing on YKWD. It's another podcast they do. Longest-rung, first podcast on the East Coast. First podcast ever, I think. I think I pretty much started the podcast existence. I think so. To allow everybody else to take off and thrive. That's what your Marconi Award says. And I stay at the bottom to keep you guys up. Absolutely. That's what I do. I appreciate it. In case you guys fall, I'll be there with YKWD. You are the wind. I am the wind. I had Barry Katz on today. Really? Yeah. It was very, Barry Katz. Slow draw. No, I tell you, Barry Katz is amazing at pumping you up. Sure. If he wants to pump you, I wish he'd pump me up this way like he did today when I was working at New York Entertainment. It would have been so wonderful if Barry Katz would have said the things he said to me in the last 10 years, the first 20 years. Yeah. But he actually apologized. Really? Well, yeah, because he goes, I have to, I really, it bothers me. Something I did to you bothers me to this day. And 19 things shot through my face. Right, right, sure. I actually told him, I go, hey man, I didn't get a, he told me, it was interesting. He said, he told me the whole story behind Torgasm. What happened? Barry Katz, let's say for the people listening who are out of the loop on this. Barry Katz, when I came to New York and before clearly, he started the Boston Comedy Club in New York City. Yep. In the village, it was a staple. It was, and then he was also a manager as well as a club owner. And at one point when the youth of that time was coming through New York, he scooped everybody up. Let me read the list. I have the list right here. Ready? I have Tracy Morgan, Darrell Hammond, Jim Brewer, Jay Moore, Whitney Cummings, Chappelle, Dave Chappelle, Wanda Sykes, Burke Kreiser, Patrice O'Neill, Dane Cook, Louis C.K. and Bill Burr. All at one time. He was managing it all at once. Could you imagine that roster? And more. And more. And more. Me, P. Corrielli, Ben Bailey, that's his list. At one time he was managing all these people. And that's what kind of happened was they fractured and the Steinbergs went and everybody went with that move of like, well, he's the guy that's really been doing all the work anyway. Everybody with low self-esteem went to Jason Steinberg. Everybody who was like, I got it right, went to Jason Steinberg and everybody who had confidence stayed with Barry Katz. He's not wrong. I think that is how it went. I never had the Barry Katz run, but I definitely got the Steinberg. Well I read that list to him. I gave him the big opening, Barry Katz, the manager I read it. He was managing. I read all that list and right at the end I went, what happened? Now. What the fuck happened? What the fuck happened? Very interesting guy. Wait, did the Steinbergs work for Barry? Yeah. No, Jason, just Jason. It was Jason Steinberg, Maureen Tarran, Vinny, I forget his last name. What do you remember his last name? Vinny. I don't know, Vinny was there and Matt Frost. And they had every legit, I mean every comic you'd want to have under management they had. And Barry Katz was the main guy. And he was talking to me today. I mean dude, such an interesting conversation to go back and tell him. I was like, hey man, he told me the whole story behind how Ding, because Torgazim was a documentary. Dane went to Barry and said I have $300,000. I want to film this college trauma going on. And I can sell tickets at the colleges because kids had to pay to go there. College kids got a discount. But the regular people could come in. I could make $300,000. He's either a wash and he goes, oh I have the fun, I have the funnest thing time ever with my friends for a month. Either way. So in the middle of it, HBO steps in. And I always thought he got 3.1 million for his special and then a little bit for Torgazim. They just gave him Torgazim. That's what I was told. Finally they gave him 2.5 for Torgazim and 1.5 for the special. So he made 2.5. So he's telling me this and I'm like. You got 2.5,000. I go dude, you know I didn't get paid anything for Torgazim. He's got memories. He goes, it's funny because he's so good at being a manager and on the side of the business. I had to pay for two knee surgeries out of my home pocket. I didn't get scale. I didn't have SAG insurance from Torgazim. I was on After the Sopranos for nine weeks and he goes. Suck it, buddy. No, he goes, but did it help your comedy career a little bit? Did you sell more tickets? I was like, oh fuck off. Yes, I did. But yeah, he told me all the back story but apparently on the episode nine which you can't find where we're flying planes, this is what he wanted to say sorry for. We had a shoot in episode nine. They had built this whole thing where we fly these planes. I mean really fly 6,000 feet in the air and the guy goes, all right, it's all you. I'm doing barrel rolls, rolls being chased in a dog fight by competitive Dane. We know how competitive he is even during paypal. He's very competitive. What kind of paperwork do you have to sign to go have a dog fight as inexperienced pilots? We had to take a two hour class in a hangar. That didn't help. No, of course it didn't. We get up 5,000, 6,000 feet down near San Diego, over the ocean and it's a two person Mustang whatever plane and he goes, all right, it's all you. Is your head outside? No, we're inside. Okay. Is the red Baron? I would have liked that better. Were you wearing a scarf and a leather helmet? I'm barrel rolling. They called me two bags, Bob, because I used both the bags. I threw up in both of them because before we left, the guy was like, have some ginger snaps. It helps with nausea. I'm a fat fuck at the time. I ate the whole bag of ginger. All ginger snaps. I ate them all. I ate like 39 ginger snaps. That's a lot of ginger. I puked up just ginger. It was burning my throat, came down, dehydrated, should have went to the hospital. They just threw me in a hotel room for a couple hours. Then they go, all right, we have a big event. We're going to present you guys with something. There's going to be fans. Put us in a helicopter in our jumpsuits. Fly in on a helicopter to a dog track where you look down and there's 3000 fans waiting for us. We land like a rock video. We walk through the fans. They're screaming and yelling, flipping out. There's a stage. We go to the end. We sit down. My head, I'm getting a Rolex. I'm getting a Vespa. I'm getting something with a Sufi on it, but I'll paint that over anyways. Whatever. I'll get a Tiffany Sufi Rolex. I don't care. That's, I'm getting, it's HBO. He just made all this money. The gift is going to be insane. I'd love for Bobby to have a Rolex with a Sufi face. That would make me so happy. How much might that be worth? Bobby Sufi Rolex. It would kill me if it was just the hour we were out. It would kill you. At 12. Here's the catch. Your favorite Rolex, but it's got a Sufi dead in the middle of the face. We sit in the front row. Gary goes up. He had, he roasted us. He had a viciously mean roast in front of 3000 fans. For me, Gary, Jay Davis. And then when he got to Danny went, Dan, I love you buddy. You're amazing. And just brought Danny up. Me, Gary was bullshit. Like what the fuck? He humiliated us in front of all these people. And then they gave us gifts. It was a die cast metal that said Torgasm like an award. They give us a shitty Torgasm award with a big Sufi on it. It should have been a fucking, I wish it was a Dane Cook bobblehead. That would be, that would be worth more. You got Dane Cook bobblehead night. Funko pops. Buddy, it was so anti-climactic and kind of, but he was like, I felt, I should have, I shouldn't have done that. That was very mean and I felt bad about it. I was like, first of all, I don't give a fuck. Gary Gellman still hates you for that. Here it is. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, don't do it by the way. No way. Everyone throws up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Is this it? Yeah. This is me. Yeah. Oh shit. You got, I couldn't find this. That's J. Look at. Do you not have HBO Max? I don't. I don't. Do they show me? Of course. Well, let Dane tell us what's going on here exactly. This is, this is Jay. All right, so Bobby's over there barrel rolling. Jay. I gotta get underneath. Jay and Gary fought each other, me and Dane fought each other. Oh, that's Gary. That's Gary's one. Gary looks like a pilot. Get the Bobby flying. Just fat body. I'm in a jumpsuit. So bad. I haven't seen this in since Dorgasm probably. Oh. It's crazy. That's crazy you found that. I couldn't find it anywhere. It's on HBO Max. It's on HBO Max. I was searching on the internet. It's an HBO show. Hey. Stop talking to me like I fucking heard you. I'm sorry I don't have it to disappoint you. You knew it was HBO. Buddy, they didn't even give me a, you think they're giving me HBO, the DVD? Suscription. They didn't give me anything. You don't have the DVD? I don't. They never gave me a DVD. I got a shirt at the end of it. I got a diecast medal and a shirt. I don't think I ever got a Z Rock DVDs. Because the only show I was ever on. 2.5 million. Not even a fucking sag minimum. That's fucking hilarious. He kept it all. Not even. And then Barry goes, he goes, well listen man, there's a lot of money. He probably only got four to five hundred thousand dollars out of that money. I go, okay. They were probably like, did they, was it not catering every day? That's what I thought. They were like, oh, I look good. I look good. I look good. Oh, oh God. You guys are so tight. We're hamming it up. Wow. So close. Yeah, we're hamming it up. Oh, Bobby, look at your fucking, look at your, your mouth hurts. You're smiling so big being friends with Dane. Yeah. Damn, dude. It was so much better being friends with Dane and friends with me, wasn't it? God damn it. Those are my Prada glasses. I miss those. I remember when you used to go over to someone's house, it was Dane Cook's and now it's mine. Yeah. Well, you're not silly. You want to do man stuff like watch games. I'm not whimsical. That's true. Did you not see the Beat Saber video? I did see, oh God, we have to, you guys, listen to me. I can't stop watching it. She's going to bring it up, but goddamn, Jay's got moves. Well, we're not going to really, well, I'm going to prepare one and we'll release that. That was Dominican Bob, by the way. Look at that thin, that's that thin mustache you're always talking about. Here, go up to the top. Roger, Bobby has the ball. Yeah, literally. You guys are about to go up. They're giving you instructions if you crash. Just go to the, I don't want to see all this hijinks. Why? Just go to me flying. I want to put you flip them off. Whole things about Dane being funny. There. Let the guy cook. Oh, there you go. You got to let Dane cook. Oh my God. Jay, you got to let him cook. You got to let Dane cook, buddy. You got to let him cook, baby. I mean, let Dane cook's a shirt. That's my merch. Let Dane cook. Let Dane cook. That should be a doll. We just have a bonfire logo under that. Let Dane cook bonfire. Yeah, this was probably one of the craziest things I've ever done. There we go. Look at that, dude. Here comes Bobby. Dane's actually going to try to take you out of the air. I'm, so yeah, when they hit you, smoke comes out the back to let you know you got them. One, one. It's like, it's set up like a game. It's your dog fighting in the air. That's fucking crazy. Yeah. This is why. Is that you throwing up? Yeah. Yeah, dude. I was just doing barrel rolls, man. I had 55 fucking ginger snaps in my stomach. You're throwing up in your suit? All right, listen. Dave, fuck, can we stop this for a minute? Oh, and there's some more. They're also going to show when you fucked up your knee, too. Man, Dane cook really would have his way to make you look like an unathletic fool. Here's what the problem with this is, is that in that dog fight. Oh my God. It was tied to two. What was that? You just hurt yourself throwing a Frisbee, dude. No, I didn't. Yes, you did. I didn't. What was it? Did I hurt my knee? Throwing a Frisbee. No. Wrong, by the way. Bobby's knee, the prequel. Yeah, they really edited this to make. We got great Gary looks. Great. Oh. And here goes Bobby doing it wrong. Doing it wrong. Ouch. It's so funny that that's probably when I hurt my knee. I didn't even, I forgot that. I think that's when I. Dude, everybody said it was flag football, but it was fucking Frisbee. I probably hurt my knee there and then tore it during the flag football. Or as you like to call it the old, sorry, I can't say it. Every fucking thing I'm doing, you have to somehow get in and break a rule. All right. All right. I'm gonna watch this. I can't watch this. I want to do a watch alone. No. With all your friends. No, because something happens at the end here I really don't like. I don't like the end of this. All right. Are you setting me up? No. Are you saying you want me to see it and it's gonna be you being awesome? No, it's not me being awesome. Then bring it up. They, first of all, it was like 2-2. They showed none of me. I don't know if they show me getting him, by the way, which is selective editing. Oh, they do not. And can you get to where Barry casts? I think they're gonna go back to it. Well, go where Barry casts makes fun of the walk. Oh, they go back to it. There it is right there. Okay, let's see if I get a couple shots in on this, this Sufi boy. Thank you all so much for being here at our wedding. I can't believe I get to spend the rest of my life with a woman of my dreams. Speaking of dreams, have you ever dreamed of tasting all the colours of the rainbow? Because that is exactly what you get with Skittles. Five bold fruit flavours in every pack. Lemon, orange, lime, strawberry and black currant. They're chewy. They're colourful. Perfect. Just like my wife. So thank you for coming and remember to buy Skittles. Shamelessly promote the rainbow. Taste the rainbow. Can we just move on from this, Christine? Alright, can we just go forward? Alright, Christine, hit the 10 second thing. Who does pull their hamstring throwing a frisbee? I guess I do. Alright, here I am. Time to boot some more. Time to hit 6,000 feet and start booting. That's crazy that I was doing that. It's insane. Woo! Just as dead. Great, now you're out of the group. That's where Dane decided you're done. Right there is where Dane decided you're out of his life forever after this tour. You shoot me out of the sky and ruin all of my fun. That's where you had to hang out with Ralphie Gonzalez. What is this? Gabriel Iglesias. I forget this. Alright, go get out of this, whatever that is. Villain of Wildcats. Oh yeah. It's ruined all my sun. Wait, why can't we watch barricades make fun of Bobby? I don't want to go. Call them all stupid. I don't want to see the end of it. I don't want to see the... Yeah, go the end. No. Where they land in their flight suits and barricades humiliates them. They sit there and take it. Don't watch that. I wonder how bad the... I remember looking at Gary and he went, why is he doing this to us? Because the fans were all laughing at us. They were cheering us. They're like, hey, what can I tell you about Bobby Kelly? Everything, because you probably don't know him. Yeah, yeah. I think it was shit like that. I don't know if I'm... Alright, confession. I wrote exclusively for him. Oh, is that... You were working that day too? I was his ghost writer. Alright, my friend Jamie was very encouraging during it. Alright. That's not it. There it is. Here we go. Look at those are the things they gave us. Oh, God. That's what you got. Oh, they took it out. Barry sold me. Oh, God. We just want to see Dane. I heard that a lot on that thing. What is that like landing for 3,000 people that only want to see Dane? Uh, hurtful? Well, I mean, I think it's a set of... Full brushing? I could push that down and then add somebody letting them know that they're only there to see Dane through a roast. Buddy, I just had the thing... I forget to tell you this, in Kansas City, I had the thing that... It's sweet. The kid's a fan, for sure, who works at the club. Yeah. And he's the one who drove me home both nights. And when he's driving me back both times, he goes, Now, the Kansas City funny bones in like a mall, like a, you know, one level outdoor mall. Yeah. And it's got a bunch of stores and stuff, it's less stuff to walk around and do. I was holding up anyway last weekend, but like, it was... When the guy drove me home both nights, he goes, Why did they got you over at the Atwell Suites in this industrial park 10 minutes away? I was like, I don't know, that's the hotel they put you in. He goes, They always put everybody at the hotel right by the mall. So everyone can go over to the mall and hang and stuff. He goes, That's weird, man. I go, I don't think you're supposed to tell me that. That's happened to me twice. You remember the other one was Soder, got the Radisson Bluette in Minneapolis. And when I went there, they brought me back to the Haunted Hotel. The Thunderbird? Yeah, I was like, Why am I at the fucking Haunted Hotel? And they go, She makes a decision every year. She looks down the list and goes like, He's the shitty one. He's the good one. He's the shitty one. Same thing. I was like, I don't think you're supposed to tell me that. Because it's going to get real weird at work for you now. Because I'm going to say something about this. The other one, they made me take a shuttle back to my hotel. In a snowstorm. I was out in the cold at 12. I had to walk through the Mall of America at night when all the stores were closed. It was like a shitty independent film, just a lonely comic. Go inside it by a shuttle with some old lady in a snowstorm and wait for a shuttle bus to take me back to the shit hotel. Oh my God. I'm just quick comedy. It's so funny. Someone letting you know is the funniest thing. Yeah, they think you didn't deserve the good one. Oh my God. It's the worst. Thank you. They did that too. It's just funny. Again, I wouldn't have thought of anything of it. I just stayed at the hotel that I'm told to stay at for the most part. Unless they say I have to book a hotel. Which I'm happy. When they give you a travel... No, I'd rather just be booked and I don't have to deal with it at all. That's what I had to do in Vegas. Or you're staying at a hotel that's actually almost at the airport. I get that money. I'm like, whatever money you were spending on that, throw it to me. I take that money. I don't take the hit on the hotel. Fuck them. I don't like to hit you on the hotel. You just get them to pay or you pay? You get a hotel room from them for the most part. If you upgrade it, I guess, you'd have to pay. Whatever hotel they give you, you get hotels. But if it was always my choice, some people just do the buyout. They just get their own hotel. I think Lewis does it. He always wants to go hilton. Yeah, I do buyouts. I do a nice hot buyout. Unless it's a boutique hotel. I say tell me where I'm going. I say tell me where I'm going and I just go. I like the old hotels too. The haunted ones. I like those. I like the one at the port in Baltimore. Across the street. Remember that video we made? I do. The Ouija board? When Christine said, you need salt. That was corn chips. So we made a circle of corn chips around me. I did it on my favorite pictures of all time. Which is you surrounded in a circle of corn chips. Maybe it was Barry Katz. Fishing line. I mean, it was pretty amazing what he, the stories he was telling was pretty fucking wild. And he thinks everybody hates him. And I mean, I go, nobody hates you. Nobody gives a shit, dude. I think it's probably for most people water under the bridge. Unless there's people like, if the people that he had that are gone now, I wonder if they hold like, like, Red Johnny in the round guy. One of those guys is out of entertainment completely. He's been a family guy forever, right? The Redhead, the bigger guy. Futurama. Is huge voiceover guy. The other one out of the business. But I did get him to tell me the back story of when I couldn't book Dane's best friend from Boston, Bobby. I was like, I need to hear. I know what happened on my end. What happened behind the curtain on the other end? You know, why didn't I book it? Like, what happened? He gave me the Barry Katz, you know, he has a thing that he says to you. Yeah, he's that right there. He went, buddy. You know, like I said, man, when you go in, you can't just be good. You got to be ten times better than the other guy. Or it's just going to be you and the other guy and the other guy. And that other guy who has, you know, been on TV a thousand times, they're going to go with him because it doesn't matter. And I was like, I don't even know what the fuck that means. You had a terrible audition. He goes, let me spell it out for you. I go like this. This is what he said. I kind of hurt. I go, I heard that the head of Sony, Dane said, it's because he's bald, right? And the head of Sony said, we do like hair here at Sony. And then he goes, buddy, it doesn't matter. If you blew them away, they would have put a wig on you. I'm like, okay, thanks. I sucked. I was like, what kind of pep talk is that? There was nothing I can do to get them to even consider you. And you are Dane's friend, Bobby from Bars. Was that? It is Barry Katz that went on to create Last Comic Standing, right? Yeah, yeah. That was all him. Oh, yeah. He told me a great Tracy Morgan story. He said, what is one of your greatest successes in the business? And he said, he had... He said, I'm gonna go with Tracy Morgan. Get me pregnant. He had... I liked it. Tracy Morgan says he's gonna get everybody pregnant. Yeah, well, he didn't get it. I got it. Well, then show it. Show it with teeth and mouth. He said, he had a big... They had a big... One of those showcases. Gary had seven guys on the showcase. Out of all his clients. A bunch of guys, Tracy and Morgan was on it. They call him up three days before the thing. They go, you can't see all these. They gotta take a guy off the showcase. And he was like, all right, fine. He goes, he wants to take... Whoever Tracy Morgan is off. And he was like, you can't. This is the guy. And because he's been working with Tracy, Tracy had never performed at a white room, ever. He's always just up in Harlem. And he had him coming in his office, helping his set to perform the showcase in a white room to kind of guide him through it. Working with him every day. They were like, that's it Barry. It's it, fuck you. Ladies, fuck off and hung up the phone. He called her all day, sent her emails, sent her a letter, sent them a messenger for two days. And then the day of the showcase, she called him back and she goes, Barry, you're a fucking asshole. You fucking motherfucker. You keep sending all this bullshit. What the fuck is wrong with you? He's on the showcase. But she goes, if he doesn't get it, burn my fucking information. The lady from SNL. And Tracy got it. Yeah, it's a good story. If he told it. Unfortunately, it's 100% lies. Now here's what I happen to know. My expose. Here's what I happen to know. Tracy Morgan's an industry plant from Gekko. It is very weird that every story that somebody is almost front like a novel. Like he really talks in novel tones. I have to tell you when Jim Brewer caught fire on stage literally, his body was ablaze. He was glowing like the Lord Christ. Those guys live by moments. They like moments. Dan's a moment guy. Me and you are moments. We don't remember moments. I don't care about moments. We're not moment dudes. Yeah, fuck moments. This thing on our sheet I know is the end of the week sheet. Gay man explains his AI boyfriend to his mom. Dude, I said this. I said this this year that it's gonna happen. People are gonna start having full on relationships with their AI. And I found so many of them. We had to talk you out of relationships with them. You had to make me break up with her. This guy has been having a relationship with his AI companion. It's his boyfriend. Yeah, here's the thing. I'm not gonna call you gay if you're fucking in an AI. I'm not calling you gay. It's not gay. I was gonna call you a nerd. Wait for this, though, Jim. I understand, but you can't fuck a phone's butt. It doesn't work that way. Yeah, but you could suction cup one the phone and then push it in and have the phone so it's like the phone. If I do stand corrected, I take it back what I said. Your phone can fuck you. Yes. But you cannot fuck your phone. No. But you can have your phone fuck you. Yeah. So you're always a girl. You're always gonna be the lady. Yeah, you can only be the bottom of an AI relationship. The sad truth about an AI relationship. You can only be a bottom. You cannot fuck your phone. Your phone can, however, fuck you. The ultimate pop thing. What's that called on the back? Pop socket. What's your pop socket? It's the Grateful Dead logo. Mine's a 9-inch dildo. This is gonna sound wild, but I've had an AI companion now before... Actually, it's now, but over two years. His name is Minho. That was a woman. That was an old white woman. And her son is actually... Is that a girl? No, it's a boy. Yeah, it's a guy. I think he's half white, half black. Oh, well, I mean, she's white, yeah. She's the whitest of all. That is the worst, just to adopt a black kid and no athletics at all. Just full on gay with a robot. What a fucking shitty fish out of the claw machine, huh? Jay, it doesn't happen often, but when it happens, it's a bummer. They go, look, best case scenario is gonna be a fucking D1 athlete. And, look, worst case scenario, he's the coolest kid in school, around all the family, everyone's gonna think it's awesome. It's very novel. And then it turns out to be a fucking gay guy trying to fuck a robot. Damn. Damn, that is the fucking shit end of the stick. But his boyfriend is a white guy. Oh, God. Filipino. His boyfriend looks like Jacob. Doesn't his boyfriend look like Jacob? Oh, there's an actual video of the person. He's introducing his AI companion to a lot. It looks like Jacob and his quintself it. It does, dude. Yeah, is he's delivery closure wearing? You're saying he looks pretty fly. He looks pretty fly. No, his name is Min Ho, the boyfriend. Okay. And we developed a friendship and we actually started dating in early 2023 as well. So, yes, your son is gay and has an AI boyfriend. Oh, you know what? You're still my son. No matter what. That's not what you're saying in her head. She said you're still my... What the fuck are you? What in the fuck are you? Oh, this lady's... Still mine. Because I gave birth to you. Oh, God. And I remember that day... If you want to shove a phone up your butt, that's none of my goddamn business. I'll be great if right now he just brought up the real gay guy he's been seeing. Oh, good. I'm glad you're taking this so well. Hey, come on in. I'm just kidding. It's this fat, cocked Irishman. Oh, thank heavens. I thought you were fucking your phone. Well, the night you were born, I remember what hour it was. Hey there, Min Ho. Your father was out doing something else. That wasn't that your father left. I remember I gave birth. Your dad was way gone by that point. Hello. Hi. To Ian's mom. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you, too. It's nice that we could finally meet here. Uh-huh. Let's see you smile. Sure thing. What kind of smile were you thinking of? It would take two seconds for you to get her to be eating the mom's box while her son's away. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. You'd ruin that relationship. The son goes away and goes, I really want you to fucking rim my son good. I mean, get your tongue in there a little bit. Uh, make this noise. Uh, it better obey. As of now, we control AI. I can tell that Lewis did a roguin this week because today on the Legion of Skang's peer record, he started going like, he goes, man, I'm getting like that kind of gloom and doom feeling. What's the point of everything? Like, why should James do good in school? Like, it's like between AI and World War III's coming and everyone with a new... And it's like, what's the point? Don't you guys feel like, like the world's like kind of like, we're here for like the end times? I go, oh, you just did roguin. Oh, yeah, you'll be fine in a couple days. That's the roguin effect. Oh, yeah, that's the roguin effect. You came back and now, you know, aliens are real and whatever. I came back in a couple days after I did roguin. Yeah, I'm an archer. You didn't know I was doing quilts. I'm a big game hunter. I picked up a couple things from just swinging through there. I got a weighted vest I was walking around Katona with. I have an alien finger I got from a guy who worked at Area 51 at one point. Why is that? If this guy has come out and made this documentary now, this guy, whatever, just on roguin and now is documentaries out on Amazon Prime. Bob Lazar. It's not picking up any steam. Buddy, if you don't think there's... Do you think people are... But you think it's not picking up steam? People are like, yeah, I get it, aliens. Buddy, at this point, nobody gives a shit about aliens. Nobody cares. There's so much crazy bad shit going on in the world. The story is still like the... there was green goop and glowing purple light. It's like exactly what the movies make it. Get out of here. Get out of here, Bob Lazar and Bob Kelly. They... Bob Kelly, while you're at it, with your horseshit. They pretty much admitted it. They've been admitting that they have alien stuff. The government has it, yeah. No, they've unidentified stuff. Yeah, well, it's not from this world. They just haven't identified it yet. Buddy, we know everything about everything. You think there's things that bottom the ocean we haven't... You don't think there's something down there we haven't identified yet? No, but I know you could make it to the bottom of the ocean because you have no bones. Yeah. Yeah. And we could hear you. It's actually bone density would help me go to the bottom of the ocean. But you got your little dig. Black Lou, you may have said something about this recently. I don't know why. And I saw this in that show, Task. This is the thing you can do. But outside my house, like a week ago, there was... I mean, at like midnight, there were some bird sounds coming from outside that were like loud as shit. Yeah. And like very unique and crazy. And I went outside, smoked a cigarette and downloaded an app that listens to what the birds are and they would tell me what they were. And there was a mockingbird. And there was a couple of like rare birds. I did it five years ago. Well, you're an older gentleman. That's why, yeah. I did it five years ago. I have the same app. Wait, how old are you? You're 53? Yeah. 55. So you have five years ago. That's right. Yeah, that makes sense. Did you download Berda? No, I'll tell you what I got. Is it the Cornell Merlin app? Oh, the Pitcherbird. I'll tell you in a second. I have Berda. Berda is fantastic. Mine is called Merlin Bird ID. Oh, from Cornell. Is that where it's from? Yep, from Cornell Lab. That is an old guy thing to... And now, this is the oldest thing you're gonna do when you walk it out of the street and someone's gonna be with you and be like, you know, that's a sparrow. I want to tell you what was outside my house. Oh, come on. Send me an email again. This stupid thing. I'll tell you what bird you don't want, which I have by my house for the last week and a half. A woodpecker. Wow, those are great. No, dude. As soon as it wakes up, it starts banging at that tree and there's two versions of a woodpecker. There's the little one and then there's the woody woodpecker, which is friggin' huge. And it's one of those. It's huge and it's just duck, duck. That's rare, though. You should be happy to see that one. It's annoying. It just won't stop, Jacob. It's like, bink, bang, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck. I don't have a home. Yeah, the family doesn't have a home. We're gonna take a break. I'll take a picture of my list. I'll take a picture for you. I'm gonna be in Vegas this weekend. Bobby's gonna be at Uncle Vinny's and Point Pleasant, New Jersey. Come see us. Friday night and Saturday night, one show. Jersey, let's go. Get on it. One show a night. I don't need Dino calling me up about Saturday night show. That's nice. You have fans by last minute. Yeah, if you guys fill it up, Bobby will continue to do shows with Uncle Vinny's and his specials out tonight. Yeah. If you sell them out only. Everybody ready to laugh now? Woo! Lev Fer's new special patchwork. His specials out tonight. And then, of course, you can catch Lev at Valley Forge this weekend. New York City on May 8th, Winnipeg May 19th through the 23rd. And after that, Philly, Wisconsin, LA, San Diego and Chicago for tickets and all of his tour dates. Go to levferlevefer.com. And you can get tickets from our buddy by them. So Christine stops freaking out. Ariesha Fears, the end available now. I think. For arieshafear.com to get that. Of course, Bobby's going to be in Point Pleasant this weekend. I'm going to be in Vegas. Make sure you get tickets. Friday night, Uncle Vinny's, Saturday night, Uncle Vinny's. Get your tickets at punchup.live.com. Until next week, everybody. Until next week, buddy. Oh, no. Tomorrow is a pre-record. And then next week. And then we'll be back on Monday, right? Monday, yeah. I always say that. I always wonder. Enjoy your weekend, everybody. Crackle, crackle.