The Adventure Zone: Abnimals Ep. 28: Final Fight!

In spite of what you've ever heard, we're at the height of our powers. We're top of tallest towers, we're still here. We'll never stop, but smile and we can trust that we will do what we must, until it's tearing out just like a flame. And we're so proud. It's long, but our mold's always strong. And unless I'm wrong, and I'm not, we're at the height of our power. As the Walrus' office is filling with briny water, Navy clings to the back of Walter Russell, billionaire philanthropist slash evil genius. Nicole Squidman looks unlovingly. Manta Ray Romano has gone spiraling off after Roger Moore's mentos and orbit concoction. Snake Gyllenhaal, injured by Hatchet Man, is still in the fight, but not looking great as Eil McDonough swirls around the water electrifying the area around him. The Capel shark is struggling to ride himself with his massive muscles increasing his bulk, but the rising water is helping. What do you do? Does anyone have something they'd like to do next? Travis, when you lay them all out like that, end to end, you really do get a sense of a scum. A scum maniac. This is your Sistine Chapel. Yeah, for sure. Thank you. It all just comes to me. I am but a conduit for the art. Right. It comes out of the ether, right? Yeah, I inhale a lot of ether to get these ideas. That's true. I've still got Walrus sort of restrained, right? Yeah, you're holding his tusks. You're on the back, clinging to his tusks as he's trying to buck you off. Though I believe currently you have him doubled over the desk as you kind of impromptu heimlich him over it. I'm looking, I see the desk has a phone, sort of like speaker phone situation on it. That is the panel of buttons that he, one of which he used to lower the glass in the aquarium. Oh, I thought it was a speaker phone. Can there be a speaker phone on the desk? Yes. And there is. That's impromptu, baby. Amazing. I would like to try and discreetly turn it on, like broadcast mode throughout the building, if possible. I don't know if that's something that I can figure out while wrestling with a Walrus, but if we kick this guy's butt, I don't know that it's going to really accomplish much. Your bug eyes and the fact that he is occupied gave me 48 plus an extra dice, so 5DA to locate that. Two successes, 7-5. Yeah, with two successes, the speaker button is clearly labeled and you are able to kind of tap it with your foot. Okay. I look down at Malter nicely. Why are you doing this, man? You're the richest animal in the world. You could make this city so much better. You could get anything. Why are you doing all this, dude? I am the richest animal in River City. No, I just said that. No, you said the world. You said the world. Oh, right. But I am contained here by the same restrictions as all of you. But if I can recreate the formula that brought us the Greenback Guardians, I will be able to spread animal influence throughout the world. I will spread River City first. Throughout the world first you create the abnormal villains, send them in to create the demand and then I will control the supply, fulfilling the goal of my company, River City first and then the world. Okay, I mean some... You're mad. Some of that sounds alright. Yeah. You know what I mean? No, I mean some of that sounds alright. I wouldn't mind going to Bali or going on a trip without reverting to just the normal walrus. But I would say that the end hasn't really justified the means on this one, Walter. Well, it's the means that I mean, you know? It's not cheap being a billionaire philanthropist. The billionaire part obviously, but philanthropy isn't cheap, my man. To be able to do philanthropy and keep above that billionaire line, I've got to keep the money rolling in. Yeah, you gotta kidnap a hero or two, I get it. I get it. Oh, but would he even be missed? The world didn't even know he was still alive. Well, that's because he was missed. Touche. Okay. Okay, now I want to try and hurt him. Making sure that that just went out over the airwaves. I want to just like, with his tusks in my hand, try and just kind of archao him to the ground. Which I imagine is getting harder to do now that there's three feet of standing water in the room. Mm-hmm. So maybe a suplex wouldn't do much of anything at all. I guess I'll just smash him into the desk again. Yeah, are you going to use hydro propulsion or sheer muscles? I mean, I still have... I'll use hydro propulsion to try and continue to like body slam him into this thing. Okay, great. So that is a 5D8 roll. Yes. Here we go. Three successes, including a double five at Cowabunga. Oh yeah, with a Cowabunga, you slam him into the desk and he is woozy. You also, when he slams down in, you slam him into that button arrangement there. Yeah. And a ladder, a metal rung ladder, pops out of the upper left corner of the office. Oh, great. And a hatch is revealed above it leading to the roof. You just have a ladder button? You're demented, dude. It's an escape hatch, you fool. It's not just a ladder, but it just doesn't make a ladder. It's, I call it the corporate ladder, though, and I find that pretty funny. That's pretty funny. You're a huge dude, though. Wouldn't like a slide be better? Well, I gotta go up. Science has yet to create a reverse slide. Okay. I'm going to do a flying jump kick into Eel McDonough. Okay. Is that okay? Everything's okay. Yeah, he's got your blood rage. He's got your reaction made me second guess myself. He has a notable jump kick immunity. Yeah, he has jump kick resistance. I'm falling into your plan. Let me see here. Fighting is like... Fighting is so common, right? It feels so strange to me to just start attacking people. Leave off the desk, man. What? Yeah, do stunts. Yeah, I am going to eat the burrito. Oh. None of us said that. It sounded like you were in truth. Yeah, you guys are right. I got a story planned for it. Yeah, I'm going to eat the burrito. Amazing. Hey, man, if you want to recreate the Greenback Guardians, you're going to need a frigging time machine, man. Because that was good eating. You slammed the burrito and it is appropriately, but present spice is very... His walls are confused because you did pretend to eat the burrito. Yeah, as I stated in the previous episode, you pretended to eat the burrito so good that now that you've really eaten the burrito in front of him, it has caused confusion and he's stunned for a turn. This is perfect. So he's stunned, right? Yes. And between the heat of the burrito and, of course, the radiation and chemicals flowing through it, it's hard to tell which has more of an effect on you, but you feel like power coursing through your veins and your muscles are flexing on their own and you can kind of see a little bit of green glow in your veins as you feel more powerful than you've ever felt before and truly, you are at the height of your power. Oh, the height. Okay. He's doing it now. And so anything physical, basically your abs are increased to a 6D8 from a 30D8. Oh, God. Fantastic. So Walter has just watched me grow huge and he's watched me eat the huge burrito and what do I look like to him? Do I look different? I feel great how I look. To Walter, he can see like your muscles seem to grow in size as there's like green coursing through your veins, your eyes flash green. Oh, God. You are swole, dude. Did I say that? Yeah, you did. I did it. Yeah, it's just a weird observation. Okay. I... Oh, and your butt looks great. Oh, cool. Okay, fantastic. Justin told me this in private, but part of Axel Adel's backstory, he's very self-conscious about his butt, but right now in this moment, you've never had a doubt about being caked up. He's got three cheeks now. He's all caked up. I'm going to punch the wall. It's a three-layer kick. Now listen, I'm going to punch the walls in the face. Okay. It's a move I invented. Cool. Nope. Not this time. Well, that's not the dice you would roll for this physical action. For a punch in the face? Yeah. Well, you just ate the burrito, and now you're super-duper strong. Oh, yeah. How many should I roll, Travis? You should roll a 5D8. 80? Hey, look at that. That's a double cowabunga. That's 2.7. It's fantastic. Yeah, with a cowabunga, you come flying across the desk, all pumped up with burrito magic, and you land a square hit across the walrus' jowly face. Now, Navy, give me a roll to see how well you can hold on, or if you want to roll to clear the area for this hit, you can do that as well. Yeah, I mean, he's stunned from the burrito surprise, so I don't really need to be holding him anymore. So I'll just kind of get out of the way of this turbo punch. Okay, great. Give me a Bulky Boy roll to dive out of the way. Make success. Yeah, with a make success, you are able to get out of the way, but you are down on one knee. Okay. At this point. I look at Nicole's globe and I say, this isn't that we haven't even gone on one day yet. Oh, yes, I was... Oh, okay. Mmm, okay. So is the walrus dead, or what's his health? No, he is staggered, for sure. Roger, you are up, and you have a tag team partner in Carver. Is that... Okay. Is that E.O. Patrick Harris, or E.O. McDonough? E.O. McDonough. E.O. McDonough. Okay. I understand your confusion, because the first name, Neal, sounds a lot like the first name, Neal, but one is in E.I.L. and one is in E.A. Oh, there we go. E.O. Patrick Harris was a More E.O. This is an electric E.O. E.O. Patrick Harris was a pun on Neal. E.O. McDonough is a pun on Neal. Can you hear the difference, sad? Gotcha. You got it? Okay. Yeah. Roger is going to attack E.O. McDonough. Okay. Okay. And he's going to... They're standing in three feet of water. This is a little risky. All right. But he's going to try to short circuit E.O. McDonough. I'm just going to call him E.O. He's going to try to short circuit him with his cattle-fraud horns. Okay. Do it. Do it. To try to create an overload to take care of him. You're trying to electrocute an electrocute. And I think that's awesome. I'm going to overpower him. Give me a 48, Dad. 48. I'm going to add a time to shine, die. Oh, yeah. Let me check my mouth. Okay, 5D8. Oh, my God. Four successes, including two aids, a six, a five, an eight, and an eight. Yeah. Wait a minute. No. Yes. Yeah. So along with absolutely laying him out, you get him square on the chest with your cattle-frauds. And especially with the upgrades that you got on them down in Dr. Kildeth's old hideout, you are able to transfer into him without his electricity transferring into you. And with that double A, you see that electricity course over, and it also knocks Manta Ray Romano unconscious, and it harps over and knocks Nick Gyllenhaal unconscious as well. Without damaging your teammates. Yeah, without damaging your teammates. That's what happens with the Mega Cow Bunga, baby. And Carver walks over and puts his foot onto itbullsharks' chest, and he's holding him down. The walrus is going to go scurrying through the water towards that escape hatch. It, man. Hatch. Wait, it all becomes clear. This is what it is. This has been your purpose the whole time, man. That's why I called you Hatch, man. Thank you for carrying me so well, Axelisle. This is the second time one of Justin's magic talking weapons has saved the game. Now, hurry me. Oh, wow. That was hot. That was real hot. Real bloop-bloop-bloop. Yeah, shouting. Shouting at Axelisle. Hatch it, man. Okay, I mean, I guess this would be anything to drum, but yeah. Except for the improvising melee weapons in his environment. And with my super powers, this has got to be what, eight? I mean, how many should I roll? Nine? Ten dice? Sought me when I've gone too high. I'd travel eleven. Roll eight d8. Oh, my God. There isn't a button for that. There's a two d8 and a six d8 button. Okay, point dexter. Am I right? There's also two four d8. Oh, my God. What's with these two aides? Turb. Turb. I got two rolls. Okay. So I got two aides. Yeah. Eight, five, six, eight. Four successes. With that mega-cowabunga, hatch it, man. You see, go up and like bend, like as it hits, it bends the hinges on the hatch and kind of pins it closed with the hatchet wedged into the clasp mechanism. So it's not going anywhere. Walter Russell at this point turns to the room and says, you think you've won, but this building is full of my guards. It won't be long before they come smashing through that door. And you hear footsteps outside the door and it smashes open as Lamar, Loveless and Newton come in. We can't touch them because we technically control them. And if we are doing two characters in the same room at the same time, It'll explode. It'll just, yeah. And the walrus falls to his knees and surrenders. Whoa. Guys, I got a mattress from Lisa, the luxury hybrid, and it is changing my life. First, I'm just going to tell you, first of all, it lays flat like this. A lot of beds that I have had in the past are at a 45 degree angle or worse, Dracula style, 180. So the Lisa mattress is flat, which we love. That is 108. I do just want to say that the flat is 108. It's way longer than my body. A lot of beds, my head and feet dangle off of them like a child, like Will Ferrell in the film, Elf, and the Elf beds. This is not like that. This bed is bigger than my body, which is incredible. Is it thin like a tissue? No, no, it's comfortable like a million tissues. Whoa. Sorry, it says here, don't compare it to a million tissues. No, it's got aerated foam channels and an ultra breathable dual spring system. It's like sitting in between the balance of foam and spring. It's like living in the middle, in the mid-space. It's the perfect balance. In the shadow lands. And yeah, it can keep you cool. They got a chill hybrid too. If you want to go a little bit cooler, advance cooling, luxury quilt top, if you want to. Yeah, exactly. I'm a chill hybrid. Yeah. You're a chill hybrid. Yeah. Half Travis, half electric. Go to lisa.com for 20% off mattresses plus get an extra $50 off with promo code adventure exclusive for our listeners. That's l-e-e-s-a dot com promo code adventure for 20% off mattress plus an extra $50 off. Support our show and let them know we sent you after checkout. Lisa dot com promo code adventure. And check this out. It's all bumps. That's pretty good Griffin. Thanks. I'm a big boy. I need tempo. Hey everyone, welcome to the advertisements here on the adventure zone. I'd like to tell you about tempo. I- And with us is special guest, J.K. Simmons. Yeah, that's- Not my tempo. Well, not my tempo. It's not my tempo. Have him say like that is my tempo. Oh, that is my tempo. Okay, J.K., you can leave. Now make him say- Oh, wait, come back. Make him say, Griffin's the best. Griffin's the best. Give me pictures of Spider-Man. You didn't tell him to say that. That was you doing the boys. He's on the headphones. Okay. He's got his own cans. He brought them from home. Okay. He's a professional. He's like, oh, he just like this. What do you mean? Can you just do a normal advertisement? Can you do like a normal- Just do a normal ad. Okay, so yeah, I'm a busy guy and so is Travis. He knows J.K. Simmons. So when you're busy and you're on the go and you want to eat good food, but you only have like two minutes to heat it up, you can still have really yummy stuff thanks to tempo. This is my tempo. I'm talking about Tuscan bacon mushroom chicken. I'm talking about five spice glazed chicken thighs. Yeah, he is. They got seafood options. They got chili shrimp rice bowl. They got so many stuff. They got protein packed stuff. They're always swapping around the menu, so you can always like try out new stuff and it all tastes really good. And you can get it ready like really, really fast. And even J.K. Simmons likes it. He's the biggest eater I know. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. He has really specific tastes and there is a special J.K. Simmons only menu on tempo. Yeah. I eat pictures of Spider-Man. So yeah, if you go to TempoMeals.com, you'll see an option that will be like the special J.K. Simmons menu. And when you click on it, it says, are you J.K. Simmons? It's like a captcha. Like are you J.K. Simmons? And it tests you and if it's not, then it'll be like get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here. This is for J.K. only, it says. Wow. So for a limited time, Tempo is offering my listeners 60% off your first box. TempoMeals.com slash adventure. That's TempoMeals.com slash adventure for 60% off your first box. TempoMeals.com slash adventure rules and restrictions may apply. Hey, a couple quick announcements too before we get back to the episode. We've got a bunch of cool stuff over at macroemerge.com. If you haven't checked it out, you need to go through that. 10% of all merch proceeds this month will be donated to Border Angels. Macroemerge.com, check that out. Also Griffin's book, The Stowaway is out now to choose your own adventure, adventure. Go to bit.ly slash griffinstowaway and get all the information there and find it at a local bookstore. Thank you, Travis. You're welcome, Griffin. And Justin's great too. He does cool things. Whatever. All right. Back to the show. Hey, what's up, everybody? My name is Mark Gagliardi and I host We Got This with Mark and Hal on the Maximum Fund Network. Would you like to introduce yourself as well? My name is Jesse and I am from Minneapolis, Minnesota. Hi, Jesse from Minneapolis, Minnesota. Jesse, you are our Maximum Fund member of the month. I'm so delighted to hear that I'm the member of the month. Thank you. Is there a first episode that you remember? The pretzel shape episode. Yeah. That's pretty classic. Both of us just killed off each other's answers and went with pretzel rod, which is clearly not the best. No, that is a terrible pretzel. As our member of the month, you have a parking spot at Maximum Fund headquarters, as well as a $25 gift card to the Maximum Fund store. We say it at the end of the episode. We wouldn't do it without you and we couldn't do it without you. So thank you for that. You're welcome. Become a Max Fund member now at maximumfund.org slash join. Hello. Hello. I'm calling on behalf of the Beef and Dairy Network podcast. No, I'm sorry. No sales calls. Goodbye. It's a multi-award winning podcast featuring guests such as Ted Danson, Nick Offerman, Josie Long. I don't know what a Josie Long is and anyway, I'm about to take my mother into town to see Phantom of the Opera at last. You are wasting my time and even worse, my mother's time. She only has so much time left. She's 98 years old. She's only expected to live for another 20 or 30 years. Mother get your shoes on. Yes, the orthopedic ones. I don't want to have to carry you home again, do I? Right. Well, if you were looking for a podcast... Mother, you're not wearing that, are you? It's very revealing, mother. This is a musical theatre, not a Parisian bordello. Simply go to maximumfund.org. I'm reaching for my Samsung Galaxy 4 as we speak. Mother! Mother, not that hat! Some time has passed here in River City. A few days, but it does not take a half calculator, half alligator named Calculator to see what is potentially on the horizon in the future. First and foremost, the dry area closes after just a few weeks due to immense overhead and very limited demand. And it doesn't make any sense. Nobody wanted to use it and it cost a lot of money. They kept the dryers running 24-7. And you just had to sort of huck your clothes in there for the best. The bills were immense. But Dean, the accountant Koala, has helped hairdryer set up his new business selling a product that they designed for use in the dry area, which has massive demand. A roller specially designed to get all of the fuzz off clothes called the Lent Liquor. I don't like that either. Dean has retired with a massive pension from his accounting job to help hairdryer with this, to spend more time with his five kids, and to join on as a full-time member with your group in an administrative capacity. Was he not already that, I guess it was more ad hoc? Yeah, he was working part-time for you guys while keeping his full-time job, but now he's a full-time member on your admin team. That's weird because we didn't get any money. Do you know what I mean? Like, we didn't get any money from all the stuff we did. Well, luckily, he has a ton of investments and a massive pension, which he is now using to bankroll your organization. A sugar den. And we also see here in our predictions of the future an engagement after spending time keeping an eye on her during this assault on the River City first HQ. Gosh, what Darnett and Chlorophyllus have fallen in love. Oh my God. Wow, I love that. I kind of saw it coming. There was kind of a vibe. And they are prison pen pals and have gotten engaged via communication. Now, hold on. He is a police officer, yeah, still. Former. And she is an inmate. Okay. And together they solve crimes. I'm just saying the ethics of that seem like pretty bad to me. Like the optics of it. Well, I don't know if you guys have picked up on this, but gosh, it was not good at making decisions or thought processes. Or attacking or helping. Or helping in any way. Okay. And Artificial has found a new found drive in life as a competitive eater specializing in Doritos sponsored competitions. He's not a person. What'd you say Griffin? I'm so proud. I just, I don't need his stuff. He's not like a, he's a machine. Wow. Like you're not going to tell me like what happened with the buttons on the walrus's desk. Oh, okay. Because it's a machine. All right. And we also see a doctor kill death is running for another term as governor coming out of retirement. And he has set up his campaign HQ in his old headquarters below the now defunct River City first HQ. And he's connected scuzz to the worldwide web and is able to communicate with him via smartphone. So scuzz is free from his confinement. But what of our three heroes in the far flung future? However far flung that might be for you. Where do we see our heroes? I'll do, I can start if that's okay. Um, I think you see there's a bank robbery and the alarm starts going off and you see the amphibos show up and there's all the great members of them. Of course, traveling all their, all their different names and things. I know them so well too. We all don't need to compare how well we know the names of the amphibos force today. Well, yeah, just, but maybe you could refresh the listeners minds. Yeah, just don't mind you give us a quick rundown. You wouldn't mind. Got you. Go ahead. If you just run through the different amphibos. There's slippy frog. That is not one. That is one from star Fox. There's Isaac Newton. I'll get you started. That's not the amphibos force. That's green men guardians. So sergeant salamanders the leader. Okay. That's great. And now go and now do the rest. Sergeant. Okay. Well, you said Sergeant salamander already. Uh huh. So I got that one. Uh huh. And the, there's other, the other ones in it. Yeah. Of course we are fans of all of them. Trey frog. Yeah. Cecil and newt brute. The whole gang. Yeah. I'm a puppy. And my puppy, of course. I'm there. I'm in them. I'm in them. And then after the whole team drops in, there's an, a splishy sound and it's Axelisle. And he walks up to the criminals, which are Dave and Reginald, two of the worst criminals in town. Yeah. And he walks up to you says, Hey man. And they're like, what, what are you doing here? Axelisle. And he said, Oh yeah. I used to try to work really hard to be accepted by these guys, right guys? And then kind of nod their head. Thanks. And you know what I realized? What? I just wasn't, I wasn't good enough. You know, like if I had gotten better at what I was doing, they probably would have called me more, you know, that's why they left me out because they were much more highly skilled and I wasn't as skilled as them. Okay, man. Um, but you know what I had to realize, man? What? It wasn't, it wasn't that there was anything wrong with me. Okay. And it wasn't that I needed to accept myself. I just needed to improve at the main kind of thing that I was doing. Do you understand, man? Like it wasn't a personality conflict. I just wasn't skilled enough to be accepted on the team. You know, I am man. Okay. And I'm loving it. What did you get better at? Everything. Oh, cool. I had a, first of all, I had this burrito that really opened up my third eye. I mean, it didn't last for long, but it really taught me the limits of my own capabilities. You ever do that? You ever have some like ayahuasca or peyote and just go right out to the limit? I mean, I ate some coyote once. Yeah, absolutely. Hey, you're going to prison. Okay. Okay, cool, man. Well, Roger really wishes he had gone first. At some point, right? As a matter of fact, in the aftermath of the great aquarium issue, Roger just happened to look over at the shiny reflective glass of the aquarium and saw his reflection. And for the first time, this outer reflection spurred an inner reflection. And Roger realized how ludicrous it was for a cow to try to be a competitive ballroom dancer. You know, wrong body type, too much physical mass, twice as many feet to coordinate. No, Roger decided the world of the dance is not for this ever. I, I hate this. He's, instead, he has a new goal. He's going to devote all his energies to becoming an Olympic high diver. So kids, remember, if your dream is ridiculous, give up on it and get a new one. That's our advice. The lessons of this season are, we're two for three of them being truly, truly unhelpful. What do you got then, hot shot? Yeah, I learned to accept. I learned to accept myself for what I am and who I am. And if people don't like that, they don't accept it. They can hit the road, pal. Um, was there more for Roger? There's no, well, yeah, I think he, no, I already told you, tries to become an Olympic high diver. Because that makes much more sense for a cow. I think Navy Seal hangs up the splash pack. He instead kind of focuses on his, his team that he was on that he saved River City with. And how there's not really much of a place for teams like that of, you know, different animals working together and using their strengths. And, you know, rehabilitating villains like Hairdryer, all of the stuff that they did on their adventure. I think he thinks is more important than having another tough guy out on the streets, another bulky boy out there, looting, looting the goons. Oh, looting the goons. Your work we say we can't curse and then we invent curses. We invent mixed oaths. There's our first t-shirt looting the goons. Gross. So instead remind me what was that area like boardwalk area where the sea villains like hang out yeah it's just the pier with a Submariner diner at the end of the pier that's all we call that okay so instead of getting out there and fighting more crime he may still do I mean he's a big strong guy but Navy Seal buys a little office space so you don't have to work out of the diner anymore and opens up a sort of matchmaking agency for animals without teams to find their own to find their own crews instead of you know vying for positions on these elite austere sort of groups helps helps folks find their own teams that they can match up with and hopefully do some good with whether they be villains or heroes rehabilitated villains that that is that is his his mission at this point let us rewind now back before all of these permutations these calculations of the future to a few days after the arrest of Walter Russell a conference is called a press conference is called in front of the Golden Greenback Guardian statues at the museum JJ August is reporting and and she says yes we're here live in a surprise announcement press conference has been called by the Greenback Guardians who no one knew we're still around definitely not me it's a surprise to everyone but they say they have some sort of big announcement today it looks like you're getting ready to start now let's go over to the camera feeds and we see the four greenback guardians take the stage and the audience of rubs it is wall-to-wall people and everybody is just absolutely losing it that not only are the Greenback Guardians still around but they are here in front of them in the flesh and Lamar steps up to the microphone and says hey everybody I know this is pretty wild to be back here in front of you guys after all this time and listen I'm just gonna be honest we kind of handled the end of the Greenback Guardians era not great we're sorry for for just kind of leaving you guys in the lurch like that and you know that was our mistake and sometimes it takes it takes a new friend or friends to help you realize that mistake can we yeah we're gonna bring up your Axel Isle Roger Moore and Navy Seal can you guys come up here please not without Dean and Dean of course yeah we we I mean do we need to say we come up yeah we come up okay I come up okay great I come up I come up with Dean okay we're all up these three well these four they're the real heroes of the day not only did they stop the plot by Walter Russell which you all heard through the speakerphone but they also are the way hold on hold on I appreciate you trying to tie back into that decision that I made during the fight if you're suggesting that at this press conference everyone in attendance heard Walter Russell's voice through the speakerphone well as the speakerphone went off and they could hear you talking the Guardians recorded it okay good J.J. August could air it on the new tag team but we were controlling the Guardians and I didn't make that decision for my guys so I guess I'm just I guess it but that's fine that's great that's cool okay so it didn't happen and you're all arrested no no no I do I want I want to have happened okay and but more than that the four of us wouldn't be here especially not Carver and they are kind of elbow eminently no or if it weren't for for these guys and so we have got you guys a little something each as I thank you Roger can you come up here first yes so Roger well loveless on you take it away so loveless the scientists three steps on goes Roger I've thought about this long and hard enough designed for you this special earpiece and kind of glasses combo here try this on okay now it has built-in music capabilities so so we can play music for you without someone else having to do it but weren't you just saying that like dancing like no no no no I'm rethinking I'm rethinking the whole diving thing well it's yours to use as long as you want to we're not going to take it back if you decide to go on a different career path but you'll always have the music in your ears and if you double tap the side that lenses will go red and you can control your own kind of stamp eating urge without someone else having to do it for you so your gift is removing the onus of teamwork from from Roger I'll take it okay oh and listen fellas and I hold it up and ah you can hear it beating I don't know what that is yeah what's my it's mr. boss listen is it my you got anything there for me oh do we have it here step on up here that bag for me thank you Justin for getting my job here let me see hatchet band for just a moment okay be careful of course my wife soul is in there what I thought I mentioned yeah my wife soul is in hashing man go ahead oh okay cool and he slides you see this like almost rubberized handle over it so that it like cover you know wraps around kind of the center part of the handle and you can see like a wire mesh is running through it and he hands you a glove a fingerless glove of identical material he says here put this on okay and then he walks across the stage and he puts hatchet man down and he says call hatchet man to you that's it and it comes flying to that gauntlet whoa the wire mesh is connect and the okay hatchet man is summoned to your hands and here one good turn deserves another and then I take hatchet man and I reach over and I lop off my left arm as far as I can tell my DNA is the last secret the only link to recreate the green back guardians oh and I feel like we should be in possession of it so here I want you to take I want you to take this just I just gonna show my loveless just lanced your finger for like a single drop of blood the burrito wore off that's out of your system but right but my DNA was shifted so the only clues I'm the most in as near as I can tell man I might be the most important person on earth well the four of us still have you know what thank you so much for this arm it's honestly best just to kind of take it yeah thank you better anybody else want to limb as long as I got him out he's already dirty so as long as hatchet man's already dirty I'll go ahead lop a little boy steps up in the front with like I love Axel I'll t-shirt and he's like oh Mr. Axel why can I don't know enough said take a tow this is a best day my wife all right to scratch thank you Mr. Axel why oh see you little guy what you started down man hey scoot over can I land down right here okay I would like to tell you need to go away now okay I'm gonna take a little quick now uh Navy yeah yeah Carver steps out he goes listen man pulled some strings with some old contacts of ours and he opens a wind box that he's holding and inside there are some like bars some pin bars he says we got you an honorary commission as a Navy seal okay which was not a thing I thought we could do basically if you ever get arrested or like sued for stolen valor they'll take care of it I appreciate that I closed the box I hand it back to him Navy seal was sort of a name forced upon me by sort of like the naming convention of my family team and I guess I'm gonna take this press conference to announce a change I I am no longer Navy seal I recognize now that that takes some credit from the brave people in the Navy seals who do whatever the Navy seals do and I apologize for all the harm I caused I am at heart a creature of Lucy I am a proud Ross seal I I'm a proud Marine animal and that is why from now on I am called the Marine pretty cool guys yeah why'd you hold on to this box just you know just as a keepsake I guess in case yeah sure yeah I don't want to be rude yeah thank you and Newton steps up and says hey Dean man we weren't ready for something for you but I got this coupon book you can have and like two-thirds of the coupons in there still good and Dean starts to well up starts to cry and he's like this thank you so much it's beautiful this guy freaking loves coupons you you nailed it I'm an extreme coupon or that's that's how I got to where I am thank you and Lamar steps back up to the mic and says yeah man speaking of name changes I've been talking it over with the other greenbacks and we've decided our guardian days man we're not as young as we used to be am I right and the crowd kind of chuckles says so from now on we are reforming but we're gonna be the green back guides we're gonna help in the city we're gonna train new animals and everything but we just can't be the guardians anymore and you hear the audience kind of gasping cast are like right he goes but I mean if if all goes well you guys aren't gonna be without guardians because we'd like to offer that name to you for as the new River City Guardians if you'll accept could it just be could it just be greenback or yes well we're still gonna keep the greenback part because we're tortoises and you guys aren't what about the RC Guardians it's manless yeah man yeah the nuts and bolts of like the the branding is yours but will you be the new Guardians yeah man absolutely we've been struggling with you know branding and stuff but I could see RC Guardians like really popping like really popping on a hat as you accept this new title they cue the band just off stage and the music starts to swell there's just an amazing electric guitar starts playing these like crazy licks these amazing riffs as the music swells and Jonathan Colton steps out and takes the microphone wait what and the River City Guardian music kicks in for the first time cool it's but it's Jonathan Colton and it's yeah he's he's half-horse cool and he sings in spite of what you have heard we're at the height of our power talking tallest of towers will stand but we you can just play the yeah it will just make sure it's not cold you just play the actual theme song there yeah that and that's where the theme song goes rock and roll the end eat support yeah congratulations everybody and we graduated a single time that's a thrilling that was a thrilling adventure travel loved it yeah very good I felt like I was a kid again we were playing maximum fun a work around network of artist-owned shows supported directly by you