How to Get Scammed! w/ Joe List

Merch alert, baby! Merch alert! Merch alert! Merch alert! The quality has gone through the roof, as they say. Hookin'! Gang, do yourself a favor. Get over to RUGarbage.com. We got hats, we got shirts, we got mugs, we got keychains. We got wall art, we got paintings you can buy. Go check it out. RUGarbage.com. Limited supply list. Do it. Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is RUGarbage. Oh, yeah. It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find that if they grew up to be classy, or if they're just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash, trash. I'm your host, H. Rolly, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tootie's in a new edition. She just brought home some Valentine's Day candy. Okay. Half price. All right. Swing and a miss on that one. Fair enough. Mike Coase is coming at you from right next to me. Very judgmental. He is the CEO of Are You Garbage? He is an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world. We'll give it up for KJ, Kevin, James, Ryan. Hey, don't blame me. No one laughed at that. What's up, everybody? There's other people in the room that heard that. What's up, everybody? Shout out to you. The hell list. Thanks for tuning in. I didn't even know a joke had been made. Shout out. Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rate, subscribe on iTunes, full video available on YouTube, full video available over there on Spotify, and the boys are climbing the freaking charts. Yes, sir. And obviously the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com. Go over there and get all that bonus content, gang. That's right, and gang, we couldn't be more excited of our incredibly, and I mean incredibly special guest back with us again today. His eighth appearance. Eighth appearance. Is that right? Eighth appearance on the show. Give it up for Mr. Joe List, everybody. Thank you, and I've got the sweatsuit. I mean, that's crazy. I've been wearing it around, baby. Have you? I wore it at the big show, and I was telling everyone this is from RU Garbage, and people said, how come it doesn't say RU Garbage? What kind of merchandise is this? Oh, the yellow sweatshirt, the golden sweatshirt. Yeah, yeah. Wait, what show did you wear it on? I wore it on my show at SESH, which you guys keep not doing. I've been trying hard to get you guys for years. I have a better job getting Eddie Murphy. I get you Mr. Pants, Tom. I like that pants guy. He's a good shit. He's a good shit. Yeah, he's okay. Ryan's a good shit. I like the other guy over there. That guy. What's that guy? New guy, Luke. Luke. And then Mark the Shark. Mark the Shark. Mark the Shark. Mark the Shark takes a little bit of warming up. His name's Ryan, too, but we can't have two Ryans. So he's Mark the Shark. Gotcha. All right, Mark the Shark. I'd call him the Shart. Folks, can I say something? I've been on the show 150 times. I've watched the show many times. You guys never boof an intro. It's amazing. I've never seen you go, oh, shit, let me take that over. It happens once in a while. It happens when it does. Big man spirals. The rest of the episode where it's like we're pulling the yolk up to get the plane in the air. Well, you nailed it. I lose it. Thank you, buddy. Yeah. Somebody appreciates my talents. You don't like Valentine's Day candy. That's your problem. No, the problem is the joke's talking. You don't like a conversation heart? Sure. Joe, you like a conversation heart? I don't even know what a conversation heart is. Jesus Christ. We don't do Valentine's Day in my house. Really? I was in San Francisco for Valentine's Day. My wife was, who knows. What about as a kid? With her boyfriend. Your mom didn't get you Valentine's Day candy when you were a kid? We always got a little something. Maybe. I don't know. I don't really remember. That's a little weird. It's a little incestual to me. You're trying to get a piece of pussy from your mom. It's a little off. I don't know. I didn't give her anything. Yeah, right. It's not like I took her out to dinner and shit. Got her something from Adam and Eve. I don't remember Valentine's Day as a kid. I remember at school you'd have a little bag and they'd put shit in there. You'd get Valentine's Days from everybody. I would have some empty bags. Oh, man. That was always so bad when the hot chick didn't give you one. Empty bags. At first I thought you meant you would be, like, coming everywhere. Like, I had an empty bag. I was like, oh, shit. I developed pretty late. I thought you were just banging every chicken glass. Drain my balls that day, I can tell you. Wait, hold on. Back to the sweatshirt. Where did you get it? This. Oh, this? The USA sweatshirt. This sweatshirt. Is that official authentic merch? I'm sorry. I thought you meant the Are You Garbage sweatshirt. I thought you were losing your mind. That doesn't say Are You Garbage on it? Yeah, yeah. We bought it at the place downstairs, remember? Many people that I wore it, I was like, I got this for Are You Garbage. Everyone was like, does it say Are You Garbage? I don't get it. Did you get the – I mean, we understood the bit of like the golden jacket or whatever. Yeah. You got it. Yeah, yeah. You don't need to brand everything and show off. Yeah, well, that was the beef that people had. That's my idea of comedy. Now, this. This atrocity you're walking around with. This is authentic. I'm keeping it on until they lose. Authentic as in what? Authentic as in it's mine. This is authentic, Joe. Listen to me. I don't think that's team issue. No, it's not team. I mean, they're not wearing this. Well, first of all, I wanted to buy an official jersey, but they're all sold out. American pride is back. Big, baby. It's big. This country's never been better. Never been more united. So I wanted to buy an official jersey, but I was going to be a hockey jersey guy. And my friend, Matt Wayne, you guys know Matt. I know Matt. He's great. He pointed out, Clark Griswold in Christmas Vacation is just wearing a hockey jersey at home. Now, how do you feel about... That's wild. ...plossing the hockey jersey and hanging out at home? Yeah. Is that classy? Did you have probably never even owned a hockey jersey? No. I tried one on once. They don't fit me right. And they're too heavy. That guy's pretty good. If it's cut right, it looks pretty good on a fat guy. Kevin Smith did it for many years. True. I remember I just hit him. I took my class picture in a Philadelphia Flyers jersey as a kid one time. Jesus Christ. It was a replica, too. It wasn't even like a good one. It was like Iron Dawn. Was it a player, or did it have your name on it? No, it was blank. No name. The blank is tough. Blank is rough. It just proportionally doesn't look right on the back. Something's missing. When you see someone with a jersey, and they flip around, and there's nothing on the back. Double zero, yes. It's brutal. Brutal. No, so this is officially licensed team gear. They were all sold out of Jersey, so I went next best. This is about $175 sweatshirt right here. Dirt bag thing? Drop the price. Yeah, so this is authentic. I've had it on for four days straight. I'm taking the colors back for the good guys. But I had an incident yesterday. We were at Starbucks, Sarah and I and the baby, and the lady selling the coffee had like a sexy accent, and her name was like L-E-R-A, which is a little unusual. L-E-R-A. Lyra. So I said, how do you name it? And she said, Lyra. She gave it a little stint. And I said, oh, where are you from? And she's like, what country do you mean? And I was like, yeah. Where do you live? Where are you living? Yeah, yeah, what's your address? And she said, well. What part of Queens do you live in? She said, I was born in Russia, but she looked timid and weird. But I realized I'm wearing the USA shirt. She's like Rocky IV. She probably thinks I'm like fucking a bag of. You look like a homelander right now. Where the fuck are you from, lady? Let me see some papers. So I felt I had to let her know I'm one of the good guys. In there waving a flag. Yeah, she got a little nervous. I'm not going to arrest you. I'm just making conversations. Don't worry. I love America. I'm just flirting with a hot Russian chick in front of my wife. Let her know, you know. Sure. Show a little respect or else I'll be off to Leningrad. Will you wear that later on or is that purely for the tournament? Like, are you going to wear that? This isn't coming off, baby. If we win gold, you'll never see me out of this again. You'll wear that doing spots? I thought about it last night. That's a lot. That's a lot. It's a big move. Although, film it, clip it. That's got some views on it. It's a big move. You have to address it. I can't just come out and be like, hey, who gets nervous at night? You got to address it. That's an American. But Dane Cook, I saw him 20 years ago. He had a Bruins jersey on, and it was cool. He's got some confidence. He's got some confidence, though. Not that you don't, but he's got – you guys are different. It's a lot, yeah. He's different than everybody. I think I'll – spots is tough, but I'm wearing it here. Boom. You've got to let them know who you play for, you know. At the end of the day, we're all American, right? We all bleed trash. Now, is this classy or no? No. You look a little – I'll be honest with you. What are you talking about? I got blue pants on, too. That's kind of match. the trashy it's it's not trashy it's trashy that you think it's classy that's the problem i'm blown away here oh i'm blown i mean this is this is nice i'm not a hundred and i don't mean to to doubt you i'm not a hundred percent convinced that's official usa licensed olympic bro material i bought it at nhl.com okay doggy i mean look at 47 yeah that's what you're the The Olympics started or something. No, isn't that a new era? Yeah, it's a new era for the country. It's the year the Olympics started. No, this is good. He bought that on Canal Street. This is quality. The Jamaican guy. This is quality stuff. I'll show you the receipt. It's cotton, right? It's like sweatshirt. It's very hot. It's a thin layer of gabardine. It does not breathe. I can tell you that. I'm dying over here. I wanted to look good for the party. I'm schvitzing over here. But we got a good team. We're going to win gold. I don't know when this comes out. They're probably lost by the time this comes out. You're excited about the Olympics. I like that. I like the hockey. I like the hockey. I didn't even know they were going on. Except for Jake Paul's wife, the ice skater. That I saw. I don't know who that is. She's like the hot Norwegian broad or something, Scandinavian, Netherlands. Yeah. She's Dutch. And she's like a very hot speed skater. Oh, wow. I've seen a lot of the ice dancing, whatever you call it, figure skating. There's some real hot numbers in there. Yeah. And they're skaterally clad. That used to be so big. I remember watching that as a kid, not watching the rest of the Olympics. When those things were on, everybody was glued to the TV. Oh, yeah. Christy Yamaguchi, Michelle Kwan. Christy Yamaguchi, yeah. Tara Lipinski, Brian Boitano. Did I ever tell you my Scott Hamilton story? Scott Hamilton. Slay it on me. You know Scott Hamilton? The blonde-fitted guy, right? He's got horseshoe balls. He's like the most famous American skater. Right, right. He's an announcer. And he did backflip. When we were kids, he was still skating. Well, this is horrible. So you guys are familiar with Tuesdays with stories. You know the podcast. Great podcast. I'm a Tuesday myself. You know how we do. You know, you say, hey, jizz and whatever. And so I got to meet Scott Hamilton one time. I did a corporate for the National Predators. And I grew up in the 80s loving figure skating and Scott Hamilton. He was cool. He did backflips. He's a real cool guy. He's like 5'4". He's balding. He skates. He's cool. He's exciting. He's Mr. Panache. So anyways, I got to meet him. And then I was telling Mark the story. But he's never heard of Scott Hamilton. So I told him all this reverence I have, but in the fashion of Tuesdays with stories. So I was like, he's a big, bald homo. He eats gum. And did this whole thing. And then some fan of ours knows Scott Hamilton. He's like, I told him to listen to the pod. What? You don't do that. He's like, he waits on him regularly. And then he saw him again. He's like, did you listen to it? He goes, yeah, I listened to it. Not my cup of tea. So Scott Hamilton, one of my boyhood idols, listened to me. And who knows what Mark said? I mean, Mark is 100 times worse than I am. And so it's just two guys being like, oh, he eats goo. He loves whatever. And they listen to it. So now I can't ever see Scott Hamilton again. And I thought we had something. I mean, that's the fact that I got back to Scott Hamilton is insane. You think like somebody in the industry, an actor, a musician, something. Yeah, no. He listened. And I just picture him sitting there being like, what the fuck? Yeah. He's like, they're calling me ugly and gay. I don't even think he's gay. He's got to be. No? I don't know. That's a lot of panache for a straight guy. Yeah, that's what's so cool about him. Married since 2002. No kidding. To a woman? Tracy Hamilton. Tracy is androgynous, though. That can go either way. That's a good point. Wonderful looking woman. Nice little blonde. There you go. I wonder what kind of cash he makes. I bet he does. I think he does well. I heard the Olympic people that they have regular jobs. Oh, the Olympians do. Yeah, because the thing about Olympians is they can't be professionals, right? Yeah, but I mean. A lot of times where it's weird. What? Scotty Hamilton's, like, iconic. He does the thing. I think he does corporate stuff. I don't know. I mean, let's get an estimated net worth. $12 million, I'm going to say. $22 million. He does on a broadcast. I'm going to say $4.5 million. $4.5 million? That's crazy. I don't know. You maybe think he had a day job a second ago. Keep checking this guy when he's down. Estimated net worth around $9 million to $30 million. Okay. That's a big window. But this thing also thinks I have $4 million. Does it? Yeah, something like that. I mean, I have some money, obviously. That's a $170 on me. You went down. You went down. $2 million. That Hamilton's got some pull. You guys want some of these? I'll get you some of these. You want one? What's your team? That $2 million's not accurate at all? I'd like to know what you're holding. You're a saver? I'd rather not get into it. Those files are sealed I live in Battery Park City It's not easy down there Are you kidding? He's rich, Foley He's rich It's a lot You've always been somewhat smart with money though, right? I don't know Not really Can I tell you something? I shouldn't say this publicly I am missing a very large chunk of money right now Because I have an investor guy He's one of these He's got a Long Island accent He's like, you gotta send me your money, brother You gotta have all your money in a savings account I'm actually stupid with money because I have all my money in a savings account, and everyone I talk to is like, you're a big idiot. No, that's good. Yeah, no, I think that's not good. We're from the 80s. We think that's good. I like mine sitting right where I can see. I think it's a greaseball from London. Really? The market's going to crash and all that stuff. You keep it in the savings account. With my money? It pops back up. But anyways, this guy was like, hey, you're going to send me all your money. What are you doing? This should be in the market working for you. And I was like, you're right, buddy. And I went to the bank, got a bank check for an undisclosed amount of money, mailed it to him. It's like two weeks. I forgot about it. I mailed a check. Two weeks later, I'm like, hey, you never told me you got it. He's like, I haven't gotten that. And I'm like, and it's a bank check, so it comes out of the account. So I just got money just floating out there. He never got it. Hasn't gotten it. I've had to do that with a certified rent check. It's hairy. But no one can cash it. They can't cash it. Yeah. It says my name on it. It's written to me. So they've got to have a thing that says Joseph List. But there might be some Joe List walking around out there with a – The check's written to you? Yeah. A check you wrote to yourself? Yeah, because he's got my account. Right? No, you wrote a check to him. No, no, I wrote it to me. What? Because he handles my – Right, right, right. So somebody – Well, now who do you have in charge of looking into that? Shouldn't that be that guy's problem? No, I've got to, like, call the bank or cancel. He's like, don't worry about it. They didn't take it. Don't worry about it. This guy has your money. They totally took it. He might have my money. What kind of snowblower you got us mixed up with? I'm fucked. With all due respect, I'm going to sit over there. But the problem is, I don't know what to do. I called the bank. They don't answer. This is not 1985. Nobody's just answering phones over there. So what do I do? It's a great Louis bid. I ever walk by the bank and see people? What are you doing in there cleaning? So I don't know. Was this your first foray into investment? Foray. Foray No I got some money in the thing And he was like you should give me more money He said and I quote give me all your money Where'd you meet this guy? I don't know Back of the Boston Phoenix The Yellow Pages Okay I think the check is either coming back Or if it was check When was this? Two weeks ago But the US mail is fucked up It's not easy to get from Manhattan to Long Island. It's like three days. What are you talking about? Yeah, as I'm saying this, I'm starting to get nervous. I'm going to check my email. I don't have my phone. Take the hockey sweater back. Is he going to email you the check? This guy don't know what's going on. No, no. He's supposed to email when he's received, but it's probably bouncing back. I probably wrote the wrong address. They're not getting far with the check, right? Very true. Luke? I think so. It should have been there one to three business days, Google's saying. No, but the mail is. You don't know the mail. It never ends. They can wipe your name off of it and put another name on there. But if that was the case. Not if it's printed, I don't think. But the problem is I can't see if it's cash. I can go to the bank, and then they can check to see if it's been presented. Yeah. You're fine. I think I'll be all right. Luke got this. Yikes. This is bad. Yeah. This is real bad. Got a whale sitting here. What are we doing? It a chunk I can say that Good for you Yeah it trouble Yeah I doing okay you know This guy tries to invest and loses the check Yeah Like a world worst investor No yeah the short answer is I bad I mean, I order McDonald's delivered every day. I get like $50 McDonald's sent to me. What's that order looking like? Double quarter pounder, cheese, no ketchup. I mean, I catch up only. This is just for you. You're not ordering for the house. No. Is this lunch? You're a bit of a lone wolf when it comes to eating. Yeah, yeah. Sarah's in there cooking up a meal, broccoli, the whole thing, and I get McDonald's right over. That's hard. No Chick-fil-A yesterday. No onions on the quarter pounder? No, no, no. I'm eating over here. No. Okay. I go plain beef, cheese, bun, ketchup, double fries. Double fries? Yeah. Two large fries? Well, my son eats a couple, and I want to make sure I have all the fries. Two large fries? One large, one medium. Really? Yeah, one and a half, 1.5. Yeah, pretty good. Any kickers on the side? No, no kicker. No appetizers? No. Nothing. I go to Starbucks, get a brownie afterwards. Good gentleman. I know how to live. You do? You're doing all right? I'm doing all right. I'm a little fat in the waist, but I work out. And I got a big sweater. I've got the big sweater. I think Liz is losing it. Oh, I'm losing it, baby. There's a lot going on here. AI and the things and the comedy. You just said America was back two seconds ago. Well, we're back, but, you know, back then. The mail's fucked up. I don't know what to do about the check. Now I'm fucked up in my head. Is this bad? No, you're okay. No, give a shit. They can't cash the check. And if I said to the bank, I'd say, hey, I don't know who this is. Give me my money back. Don't they give you your money back for that? Yeah, they'll figure it out. I don't know. I think. I'll write it off. All these big companies. Yeah, but let's talk about Pesty. Shout out to Pesty, Pesty, Pesty. Let's talk about Pesty. Gang, got a bug problem at the house. Do yourself a favor. Get a hold of Pesty. Pesty can help you get rid of over 100 types of bugs. We're talking from spiders to ants to roaches to scorpions. That's pretty impressive. You can handle scorpions. Yeah, you got some good stuff. Man, you got some good stuff. Listen, you got scorpions. Use Pesty and then put your house for a sec. You got to get out of here. You can't be having... Listen, I don't even say if you got a bug problem. Prevent it. Prevent the problem. Listen, bugs are icky. If you watch the show, you know me and the big dog do not like creepy crawlers. Didn't they send you the thing and you went around the house and did the whole spot? And listen, my wife got it. I honestly... She got it before they were a sponsor. I didn't know what it was. I'm just going, this is going to jam up my weekend. That's what this is. This has ruining Kippy's day written all over it. I have to say. I got meatballs to eat. Coolest thing I did. You mix it up. Bing, bang, boom. You shake it up. It gives you a little sprayer. Just right around the edge of the house. I like that little sprayer. And it's not even like, oh, then you got to fumigate. You got to put the bug tarp on. It's like, I don't even know how long, but it ain't that long. You're out moving again. It's easy peasy. Pessy gets rid of 100 types of bugs. It's kid and pet friendly, which is big for me with the little kipperino and a Hansi Ponzi rolling around. 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Thoughtful, nice, good, up-the-middle pants for an up-the-middle kind of guy, if you catch my drift. An up-the-middle kind of guy. Right now, go to quince.com slash garbage for free shipping and 365-day returns, which I got to be honest with you, they honor. I had some sent for like two, three months. I didn't send back. Oops, sent it right back. Dug it. No big deal. That's a full year to build your wardrobe, and you'll love it. Right now, available in Canada as well. Don't keep settling for clothes that don't last. Go to quince.com, Q-U-I-N-C-E.com slash garbage for free shipping. 365 day returns. Quince.com slash garbage. Do it. Do it. Who's the bank? Chemical Bank? Who are you with? TD? Chase Bank. Oh, this was TD, though. This was TD. I'm a TD man myself. Yeah. You know why I joined TD? Because they used to have the thing where you could dump the change in it. The penny arcade. Yeah. Which they were skimming the whole time. Yeah. For decades, they were skimming that. Which I'm okay with Because I need the cash That's how I felt And also I just wanted to get rid of my change And they took it So that's why I joined TD But then Now I don't know They got rid of it That was as a poor comic That would save you Once they got rid of that They got rid of that When we were in New York And it was like Yeah it was I remember having to go to the Bronx To find a coin star Yeah At the supermarket And then you would get there They go I need to use the coin star And they go Well how much are you dumping in And you have to like Hold up like a coffee can And be like $32 And they're like okay Well, in TD, you could guess the amount. If you got it right, they'd give you a prize, too, which was fun. One time Sarah sat and rolled all my quarter, and it was like $180, and then she got to take it because she just rolled them. What? I was like, I don't want to roll them. I would never do that. Do you have a change collection now, like a change jar? Oh, yeah. We have a piggy bank. We have a son, so we piggy bank it up. Like a proper piggy bank. Oh, yeah. It's a silver pig. In his room? No, it's in the living room. On display for everybody. It's the backup investment? It's an apartment. What kind of cash you got in there? There's some bills in there, too. I would say there's probably $38 in there, if I had to guess, because there's some bills. Who gets their hands on that? You've got to have bills, bills, paper money. I don't know. I guess it could be his. I don't know. Sarah's like, I'm going to take all your spot pay and make an account for him. I'm like, he's two. What are you talking about? That's my money. That's good, though. Take your spot pay? What the fuck? He doesn't need it. These broads and they're greedy. They're greedy. I've got to quit. Did you open – as we were talking about investment, did you open up your – I don't know if you get it, actually. I think your son was already born. New York saves? No, the account. You get the U.S. federal account. Oh, the Trump thing? War bonds. I don't know about it. I qualify. I'll put $1,000 in the account. What is it? What are you talking about? I don't know. Luke will tell you. I texted our manager. I said, hey, make this happen. How do I get it on this? You got to have a kid within like a certain year. Fuck. Get a kid. It's a good time. It's fun. Can I have his social security number? No. The other day I farted, and my son said, God bless you. Come on. Aw. That's class. He said, God bless you, Daddy. You also had sent me a video one time of your kid playing scratchers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He loves them. He loves a scratch ticket. That's what I asked. I asked you. One of the things we asked is, would you say the classiest thing you've done is buy, invest $175 of your money into a sweater? Yeah, I went full non-knockoff. I mean, but now I'm getting pushback that this isn't classy. I think this is as classy as it gets. It's as classy as I get. Real David Putty vibes. Yeah. You've got to support the team. All signs point to yes. Will America win gold? Oh, we should have got you a fucking eight ball jacket. Damn it. God. Those are pricey. The snafu with the check notwithstanding, when you did do that little process, did you feel like an adult when you were doing that? I felt like a million bucks or a quarter of a million bucks. Going in to get the check at the bank? And I had to say the lady, and I have to whisper, because, you know, I'm a working class guy originally. Sitting here on her $70 shirt. So now I'm through the stratosphere. I left my family behind. But I was in there, and I go, hey, I need to write a check for myself. And she's like, okay, how much? And I was like, what? Is this at the table or at the window? This is at the counter, like right at the thing. Did he bring you over? Well, I think they didn't know what kind of numbers I was going to throw at them. And then I think they were a little bummed out, too, because I was taking almost 100% of my money in there, out of there. And now it's just, it's in the clouds, Jerry. Fucking nuts. I don't know where it is. You'll be okay. Yeah, you'll be fine. I mean, I could buy a house in some places in the United States with this amount of money. Really? Yeah, yeah. I didn't know that. Very nice. It's a little nerve-wracking. A little bit of cash. I'll get it back. Yeah, yeah. Get it back. And then what... We've lost a guy. I know. Google says you're safe, unless a really smart person gets that check. Well, also, it's like, who's opening an envelope? They open. It's in the blue... It's in the box. Wait, is that what you did? You put it in a box on the street? Yeah. Jesus Christ. Is that not good? No, dude. What are you doing? First of all, you should have wired it to the guy. I know, because last time I tried to wire, I can't. My rods and cones are all screwed up. You need a Mr. Pants. I don't know how to wire. Seriously, last time I tried to wire, it was a whole to-do. I'd rather just write a check. I'm from the 80s, Doug. I gotta look at the shirt. I wanna look a guy in the eye and shake his hand. I've tried to wire. I can't wire. First of all, that guy should have been the one taking it out of your account. You give me your information, and he takes it out. Well, he can do that with Chase, because he works with Chase. So he did that with my Chase. Don't worry. He's gotten all my money. Don't worry. Multiple accounts. You're going to be chasing this guy for a while. This is bad news. In and out of court system. But he talks in a way that you're like, holy shit, this is good. Oh, you're coming a mile away. Because I got Norman hooked up with him, too. Oh, my God. Yeah. You guys are getting fleeced. It's bad news, Bears. But he's got the accent. Did he say what he was going to put it in? T-bills? No, but he told me. I've been with him for 10 years, this guy. And he gave me the original amount and the current amount, and it's... There you go. I've got like 80% more. Get out of here. Although I do keep putting more money in there. Yeah, it's your money you've put in there. It's not like a piggy bank. Oh, Jesus Christ. You guys are getting in my head. You guys got investment, guys? No. Shit. I'm busted. Oh, jeez. Idiot. What do you mean? Bad with money. He's broke. Oh, boy. You can't be broke. You would think. Get out of here. Huck some of this stuff. You got three guys working for you. Fire two of them. I can pick the two, by the way. Who would go? We're keeping the guy that looks kind of like me. Yeah. I like that guy. The shark and pants are going. Shark is out. Pants is no good. His pants are too big. We just bought this new table. What's that, Oak? To the first guest. Oh, really? Oh, really? Chris and the new table. I think it's pine. It's wobbling, by the way. Yeah. Oh, boy. Did you know that? The whole place is going to shit. The boys are jammed the fuck up over here. Yeah, we're all jammed. No, I felt classy with this. How about this? You want to hear some class? Please. Now, this is just, I mean, I don't mean to be braggadocious here, but I just did Cobbs out in San Francisco. Great Cobbs. That is the most underrated. That's the best city in America. It's beautiful. San Fran as a city? I love it. A dump. You're out of your mind. Well, you've got to go to the right places. Go to the Marina District, North Beach. I mean, if you go to the Tenderloin, it's pretty dicey. They did hit the Spy Store. They have the International Spy Store there. I like that. That's not bad, right? Spy's all right. I like the wharf or whatever it is. The piers. They're nice. It's fantastic. The restaurants. That was nice. They have that really big food, that nice food hall. Yeah. On the water. Did that. North Beach is incredible. It's beautiful. Golden Gate, the whole thing. But you don't eat that stuff. You don't eat anything out there, do you? Well, North Beach is Little Italy. They got McDonald's out there. I go all Little Italy. It's all pasta, chicken parm, pizza. But no seafood. I like seafood. You do? I eat seafood. You ever have cioppino? I don't know what that is. I have chipotle. It's an Italian stew they make with fish out in San Francisco. No, I don't know the stew. It's not up your alley. That doesn't sound good. It's good stuff. I don't want an Italian stew. It looks like a cartoon stew. You know what I mean? Like a hobo would make with a fish bone in it. Yeah, I don't care for that. It's delicious. But so I did Cobbs, and then I had Matt Wayne open it for me, and then there was a young lady emceeing. She's from Sacramento. She didn't want to drive back and forth, so she got a hotel. End of the week, I did okay. Paid for that hotel. Hey! Look at you! That's pretty good. Not bad. Now, classy. That's a classy guy. How did you execute this? Did you go, hey, how much is the hotel? I said, if you show me your tits right now, I mail you a check. You get it in three or four weeks. One tit, one night. No, after the weekend, I said, hey, what's your Venmo? You shouldn't lose money to work for the old king of content. And she said, oh, my God. And then I sent her the money, and she said, oh, I'm going to quit my job. You're the greatest. I never got it. You can just go ahead and tell everybody on earth. That would be great. And then she said it bounced. That's not bad. That's classy. That's a classy move. That's classy. Now, if it was a man, would I have done it? Absolutely not. But, you know, if my wife dies, I got something on the horizon. There you go. You can't plant the seeds. You got to do it. I'm thinking ahead. Baby's going to need a stepmom. Of course. Huh. I respect it. It would have been trashy if you're like, can I see a receipt? How much was it a night? Like, that's not, that's tacky. Well, here's where it's trashy. I probably didn't cover. You got on a podcast and told 250,000 people about it. I probably didn't cover the full amount. The low-boulder? Yeah. The low-boulder? No, I gave her a couple, a few hundy. Yeah, I don't know. How many nights? Well, it was three nights hotel, but this day. Jesus Christ. Nowadays. It's getting dicey as it gets into it. It was probably like $800 in hotel, and I paid for less than half that. You know, but. Yeah, center 300. $250. $80. I gave her $60 and a handshake. That's some advice. $60? I gave her a card. $60? No, no, no. I told her she could have a hostel. It was a few hundred bucks. That's good. Yeah. That's classy. That's very nice. You've got to sweet your sweet in the pot. And then the next day, I got upgraded to Delta One. Very nice. How do you like that? Not too short. And they were trying to get me to spend two grand to upgrade from the ticket. I already bought an $800 ticket. Two grand to upgrade to Delta One. I rolled the dice and got the last spot. What do you think about that? Love to see it. This guy's playing the market. Yeah. You are. He's thinking ten moves ahead. I saved two grand. I lost $275,000, but I got two grand. Is that what it was? In that neighborhood. Get the fuck out of here. That's my entire savings. Wow, Joe List. Yeah. I took my savings account. I don't think I can be friends with you anyway. I took my savings account, wrote it down on a check, put it in the U.S. mail, and have not seen it in three weeks. They're putting it in the blue box on the street. I thought the blue box was secure. What? That's nuts. How do you get in there? You can't get in there. I don't know, man. It's New York. I don't even know anybody picks that stuff up. Yeah. There's a little, there's a key. The guy works for the government, trustworthy. He comes in with a key and he opens it. It's a lockbox. You should have just got like a carrier, sir. It would have been like 80 bucks. Listen, I'm paying for the MC. I go to Starbucks every day. I can't afford this crap. I don't know if I've ever used the blue mailbox on the street. What do you do? I don't get it. Luke, help me out here. You're my buddy. You put it in your mailbox and leave the mailbox open or put the little flag up so the mailman knows to take it. You should have left it with your doorman. Hey, can you put this in the outgoing? I should have given it to the doorman. Doorman building. That's classy. Did you wear a suit when you walked into the bank like Andy Dufresne? Or give it to them. Hey, put this with your outgoing mail. Oh, my God. That would have been so classy. Why does the suit fit, though? It doesn't make any sense. Big flaw in that movie. Whose suit was it? He was wearing the warden's clothes. He's like seven feet tall. Yeah, geez. The shoes fit and the pants fit. Fuck, List. That dog don't hunt. Damn. He just ruined it. Was it definitely his suit? Yeah. Yeah. It was his suit and his shoes. Yeah. Huh. Son of a bitch. Yeah. Everything's coming apart. A few other problems with that movie, too. Well, keep them to yourself. Lay it on us. I don't want to fuck you all up. No, hit us. Well, one thing that happens is when he throws the rock to reveal the hole in the thing, the poster would have to be pulled taut for it to rip. Yeah, how did he get tight? The poster would have to be tight for it to rip through, but he left. Under it. So that doesn't make sense. It would be undone on the bottom. It wouldn't rip. I would assume you can make the argument with enough force it could go through. I mean, you'd have to have fucking Roger Clemens in 86 throwing that rock. If you watch it out of context, it's always a shock when Morgan Freeman leans his head into that shot. He's like, why is he in the cell? Right, right, right. Yeah, there's that. I mean, also, oh, the other one is when he breaks through the pipe, it explodes as though it's pressurized. Right. So how does he crawl out of there? When he's crawling, it's empty. Because it all spewed out. Yeah, the pressure was... 100 of it shot out of there The whole pipe it like miles long Also that pipe shouldn be that wouldn be pressurized I don think Pressurized with shit I mean that is like so much diarrhea That wasn't me, or is that a lot of poop? I would have never made it through that. No, I would just go back in and be like. Plus, he's got it kind of nice now. He's working there. Doing all right, yeah. His sister's got taken care of. He's got Hadley all straightened out. And, of course, the biggest flaw in Family Guy discussed this also and made some great jokes about it. But, like, he's been in prison for 20 years. How does he know there's not a mall where he tells him to meet? He's like, there's a rock wall in Buxton. You go along the wall, there's a big oak tree. You're like, he's been gone for literally 20 years. Could be a subdivision. He could go there and be like, oh, shit, it's a Sephora. Fuck. Well, I guess I'll head on back to prison now. He's like, damn it, he's never going to be able to find me. I'll give you that. There's no way that he would have been able to remember all those instructions and find that rock. No, Morgan Freeman. That's what I'm saying. And Seywantanea. And how do you even spell that? I've seen the movie 300 times. I still don't know how to spell Seywantanea. This guy's an uneducated convict. He's like, oh, Seywantanea, that must be Z-I-H-J. I wouldn't know. If that was us, we never would have found each other. I don't know. Be wandering around. Be stuck in the pipe. I wouldn't even do it. It's a great film. All right, let's get to some garbage questions. Please. Let's see here. This one's from Kippy's classmate, the horse. $10, homie. You ever play a sport using a ball not from that sport? As a kid, basketballs were always flat at recess, so we always used a kickball or soccer ball to shoot hoops. No one made shit. Oh, we did a lot of floor hockey with tennis ball. Tennis ball hockey on the street hockey with tennis balls. Oh, yeah, yeah. That was classic. You could always get a bad bounce on those things. It would go, like, fucking nine houses down, though. The volleyball was always a good substitute for a basketball. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, I think the other way around, volleyball with a basketball, that'll fuck you up. That'll spike you. That'll ruin your life. We used to love playing wiffle ball with a tennis ball. Like a wiffle ball bat and a tennis ball. We did aluminum bat with a tennis ball. Yeah, that was big. That was all of our baseball was with a tennis ball. Crush it. It was fun. Did you do like the open up the wiffle ball bat stuff wet newspaper in there? Oh, yeah. We taped it. Oh, yeah, we did that too. Yeah, that was fun. Let me ask you this. What is the official wiffle ball bat? The yellow one? I think the yellow skinny. Yeah. You've got to go yellow skinny with the cardboard holding the wiffle ball. I don't even think it's close. What do you think? It's that, for sure. But whenever you played wiffle ball, there was always some dickhead that had like a fat one. The big red one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what that movie's about. Wiffle ball. Big red one. You guys know that movie? I don't know. This isn't a classy group here. It's a war movie. I know the big red one. Yeah, of course. Bastogne, Battle of the Bulge, Dirty Dozen. Okay. No keys. Nice flex. Yeah. What, do you think you love America more than me? You trying to tell me you love the USA more? Okay, let's talk about Cigars International. Ooh, Cigars International. I love a nice cigar every once in a great while. I like to enjoy myself, sit back, have a nice stogie, as they say. 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Use the code GARBAGE at checkout for 20% off your order of $50 or more plus free shipping or visit www.cigarsinternational.com slash garbage and the discount will automatically apply to it. Yeah, I bet the kickball, that never fucking worked. And you could also, yeah, it's brutal. I like a kickball. I love a kickball. Kickball's underrated. Maybe you could do a kickball with a soccer ball, I'm pretty sure I've done. Yeah, that's all right. Sure, you could get there. That's not horrible. You can never kick a basketball. Basketballs don't kick. No. Trying to kick basketball, it pings real fucking hard. Yeah, they stink. All right, let's see here. This is from Suli. $10 Canadian bozo here. Is it garbage if you and the other groomsmen have pizza? You're all choked up. Oh, man. I'm all choked up. It's an emotional one. He's going through puberty. I know. Have you and the other groomsmen have pizza delivered to the church while you're waiting for the groom to walk down the aisle? Joe Liss, what do you think? That seems like something in your family would do, though, if I'm being honest. I mean, look who you're talking to here. We're all pizza every wedding. In fact, one of the reasons. Oh, yeah. After my wedding, like the reception-y, you have the reception, whatever. When that's over. We all pizza, like stacks of pizza. That's a classy move. Big pizza guy. So I think delivering pizza, you're always hungry, you're nervous. Also, everyone's drinking from a flask in the wedding party. Everyone's got a flask in their jacket. So you're getting boozed up. You don't want to get too drunk. It's classy where I come from. Yeah, I'm going to give it to them. I like it. Philly was always very, you know, you would do like the, if you were in the wedding, You would go to the ceremony and then like the party, you know, all the groomsmen and groom bridesmaids or whatever would get on like a bus or something to go take pictures. And on that bus, there would be a bunch of coolers with booze and soft pretzels. Oh, that's classic. Did you do the trolley in Philly? They have this one trolley that they all use. Yeah, no trolley over here. You might use a duck boat in Boston. That's big bucks. If I could find that check, maybe. We'll see. The place that you have now Is this the newest, nicest apartment You've been in? Right? Has to be It's the nicest But it's smaller than my old apartment I had a great apartment in Astoria This is much smaller But a nicer building Nicer location Got the doorman Got a doorman We got a little balcony We're by the water It's pretty classic You got a pool? We don't have a pool But our neighbor, Karen Fiena Our best bud She's got a pool In her building Yeah Can you go over there? We do Do you wear the hockey sweater? No, no. She sets us up. She pays, and then we're always like, we'll pay you back. But then we don't. This guy is a dirt bag. Sneaking his family over to another building. And then everyone, all the people at the pool are like, which building do you live in? We're like, building. We live in the building. Don't worry about it. Yeah. We're here. That's pretty nice. You got a nice view, though. It's a nice view, and we got, yeah, it's awesome. You got a parking garage with the apartment? Not with it. No, I have to pay for that, too. They really suck you dry in this town. This guy's really a fucking fan of that night. Well, currently, I don't have a car. Now, you want to talk family. I drove to Massachusetts to see the family. My check engine light came on. My father's like, you've got to get that checked out. You better get that checked out. Dad's freaked out about that. So I went in. They're like, you need a new transmission. What? They ended up paying for the car company, because it was only like 50,000 miles. Nissan, famously bad transmissions. They covered it, but it was going to take days. So I had to take the train back. I rented a car. I came back. Now my car is in Massachusetts. I can't get it back. I told my parents, why don't you come down to visit the baby, drive the car down. There you go. See the baby. I'll buy you dinner. Take the bus back home. And they go. How do they get home? They take the train. Talk about a flaw in the movie. They take the train, but they won't drive in the city. They can't drive in the city. Oh, my God. They won't drive in the city. My mom from Philadelphia, 90 minutes away, would never even think of attempting it. No, she's like, we can't do it. A bridge, a tunnel, get the fuck out of here. Gang, we got a brand new merch alert, and we've kicked it up a notch, baby. Hachimachi. Pippi, show them. We got hats. Boom, hit them with the AYG hat. Look at that AYG hat. Quality. We got a classic Bernie's dad hat. We got comfort colors tees. Upgraded to tees, heavyweight tees for heavyweight boys. We got Uncle Henry's menswear. We got Kippy's Racing T-shirts. Kippy's Racing T-shirts. We got the Bass Pro Shop knockoff. No big deal. How you done? We got the Palm Breakfast Spot. Ooh. Look at that. Fronts and backs, gang. And then get it for St. Paddy's Day. Limited run. Kiss me, I'm trash. Sure. Give it to it. Give it to a classy broad near you. That's real as you. RUgarbage.com. Did you have to go to a Nissan dealership or just a regular mechanic? I went to a dealership. Did you buy new or used? I bought it used. I bought a 2018 and 2020 cash. Boom. This guy's got 5,800 on him. Cash, cash, or a check? A check. Okay. And I mailed it. It'll be there in three to four months. But I pulled a baller class move. I said, I'm going to pay. They were like, it's going to be installments, whatever, because they want you to have their hooks in you. Sure. And I said, no, no, I got cash. They said, oh, we don't do that. And I said to them, I write a check for $18,000 right now. You're not taking it? And they went, well, let me check to the manager. And he came back. I said, we'd love to take it. Yeah, I thought so. It's the coolest I've ever been in my life. Yeah, there you go. I'm like, who's taking it? Who's turning away cash? That's crazy. Yeah. Also, I love you sitting across from a finance guy. I cut you a check for 18 grand right now. We can't do business. With this sweatshirt on. I had my money guy in my ear. He was telling me all the lines. Like, Newman, tell me, write him a check. Legally, you have to take this. It's American currency. But, yeah, so now my car, now I'm paying for a garage with no car in it. My dad's driving it around. I got word from my sister. She's on the inside. She's like, you know, dad's driving your car all the time. straight. What's his day-to-day car? He has no car. We got problems. Your dad has no car? Well, they share a car. Now he's got my car. Your mom and dad have one car. Yeah. What kind of car is it? It's like a Toyota CRV maybe, something like that, some kind of thing. It's leased. Yeah, it's not... They're both retired, though. No, no, they're still working. What? Yeah. How do they get to work? One drives the other one and then drives back. No kidding. Yeah, then it goes and picks her up. It's like a Norman Rockwell up there. It's like Angela's Ashes. We got some problems up there. I'd love to help them, but I'm living down in Manhattan. I'm drowning. I'd love to help them. I just lost all my money. I pick up the tab here. Here's the thing. Would you tell your parents you spent $170 on a sweatshirt? Everyone, they know quality. They know this isn't Sears, baby. This ain't Sears and Robux. Look at Joe walking around in his fancy sweater. Yeah. I mean, yeah, they know. They get it. Okay. Did you spoil them for Christmas this year? He's letting them use their car. Yeah, I gave them a fucking car, for Christ's sakes. No, we don't really do. I got them some gift cards. I got a Home Depot for my dad, and then I got a $100 gift card. But we try not to spend money because they spend the money on the kid, and then everybody's a little short on cash up there. With you. Yeah. Very nice. It feels a little silly to be, oh, here's this, oh, I got you this. Yeah, no, I agree with that. At a certain age and, you know, with the dynamic, it's tough. If it's not toys, I don't give a shit. Right. Hate it. It's got to be something like special, some person. Hey, I found his autographed Seinfeld script or something like that. Yeah, that'd be a little particular. You would like that. I don't think your dad would be fucking chomping at the bits against his hands. Well, if I found a Partridge Family script and gave it to her, you know. Sure. This one's about parents and cars as well. This is from Chris. Is it garbage if your mom is the primary driver even when your dad's in the car? That's a tough one. I mean, I never saw that in my life. My dad could drink 450 Capnick Cokes. He's driving the car. Your dad drinks. I have never once ever in my life seen my father in the passenger seat and my mother driving. I've been in the car, and I want to admit I have had stepmom, two sets of parents, and I want to admit who it was. But the gentleman had said to the lady, I'm okay. I got it. I was in the backseat like, I don't think we're okay. I don't think he has it. No, no. I mean, I cannot even visualize my dad in the passenger seat with my mother driving. I do it sometimes now because my wife doesn't drink and I'll have a cocktail or two. Sure. Which then. He'll get all fucked up. I'll get all fucked up. Not really. But even if I had like two, you know, we just went out for our anniversary. Yeah. It's like, why am I going to drive even with two beers, you know? Sure. Yeah. Two Manhattan. I mean, when I'm in Texas, Sarah will drive because it's her mother's car. So she'll drive around. And she's okay for a girl. I respect that. That's fun. But then a lot of times if we're going far, I'll take the wheel. I just got. Of her mom's car. Yeah. Once we get out of you. You'll drive her mom's car. Yeah. Well, you know, I'm a man. These bitches don't know what to do. No, not at all. They don't know how to drive a car. It's always odd when you're sitting in the passenger seat of your car. Yeah. Yeah, that's funky. Yeah. I mean, when I was drinking, I would do it all the time. Because I was never. This is always so funny to me. When I was drinking, I was never afraid of dying. I was only afraid of getting arrested. A hundred percent. I don't want to get arrested. So I would give it to the drunkest person ever. I'm like, hey, you get arrested in my car. Oh, I never did that. I like Captain in the ship. Right. Yeah. One time we switched sides. My buddy was driving and he was drunk. We pulled into a Denny's parking lot and I wasn't drinking. And we just literally just went around the car real quick. And the cop was right behind us. And he's like, who's driving? And I was like, I was. He's like, no, you weren't. He was. I was like, nah. I was like, all right. Sucker. Nice. Got him. Told him to beat it. Beat it. That's what that song's about. All right. Cut that. That was worse than the Valentine's Day candy. I hit the brakes on that. Sorry. And then nothing happened. You know what it is? I'm too hot in this sweatshirt. Take it off. I got a bra on under this. I got a new car. My wife keeps going. Like, I came into work yesterday, and she's just like, oh, what's the – Because you have a number at our lot. Like, you call and say, hey, I need car number 62 or whatever. Sure. And she's like, what's the number of the new car? And I'm like, yeah, Schmuggen or whatever. Like, I'm just – because I don't want her driving the new car. I'm nervous her driving the new car. Does she want to take it? Yeah. She's like, I want to go to the grocery store. I want to go to Jersey. I want to go to the mall. I want to take the baby here. And I'm like, yeah, it's all the way in the back of the lot. You know, it's a whole thing. It's all the way in the back of the car? It's a big car. She's not used to the big cars. And it's in Manhattan. Technic. You're insured. I know. I'm shocked. You're usually pretty loose with that stuff. Yeah. Well, you get older, you buy that car. Now, I used to always, I only overdrove hand-me-down cars. A dead grandfather, a different dead grandfather, a dead grandmother. And then I would be like, who wants to drive my car? Take the car. I'd be throwing the keys around my back. And then I bought a car, cash. Don't touch it. And now I'm like, nobody's driving my fucking car. Yeah, there's like, there's value. Every car I ever had was like, it was like just a piece of shit. I mean, yeah, who cares? Drive it around. Now your dad's up there driving around in your car. I know. I don't care for it. He's a nut, too, and he likes to whack them back. With a new transmission, too. Brand new. Probably humming. It's probably double clutching. I didn't know. It's not a stick, is it? No. God, no. Do you know how to drive stick? I was taught to drive stick in a cemetery parking lot by Tom Dustin. So I'm A. That's so funny. Boy. And then he was like, I've never seen anyone pick up on this this fast. And then I was whizzing all around. He's like, it's crazy. He's like, seriously. I've never seen anything like it. Like he's the main stick teacher. He's a big stick guy. You know what I mean? No one ever in history is stupid. I cruised around and went around town, and I was driving that stick like fucking, you know, a guy who drives stick. You were moving. And I've never driven stick since that. That was 18 years ago. Go out on top, baby. Yeah, I mean, I think I could get it done, but it wouldn't be pretty. They still make them, right? Yeah, it's like a few percent. It's like a couple of percent. My car in high school was stick. Yeah. Really? Yeah. What was it? Well, how far out of high school are you? He's like 26. I'm 28. Yeah, like 10 years ago. Hot. The guy keeps getting hotter. That's why they keep me around. I'll pay for your hotel. He's got five minutes. Two nights. That's it. All right. Let's see here. This one's just funny. It's just from Doggy Dingleberries. You ever poop in a winter coat? I think you got to take the winter coat off if you're – that's an away game. I got to tell you, I just did this. So did I. Like a few – I don't want to say minutes ago. Like two days ago at the airport. Literally two days ago You don take the jacket off and hang it I afraid I poop on the back of it There was no hook and it was a bit of an emergency and I thought should I put it on my suit kit But it was ready It was rattling the cages How puffy of a winter coat are we talking about? It's very puffy. Really? Big puff. Huh. Yeah. Puffed it. How'd you wipe like that? I kind of pulled it up with the left hand and then wiped with the right hand. But I was nervous. I would be nervous the rest of the day that I have shit on my jacket. I mean, I'm nervous for that. Dude, that's my big. Sometimes I'll take pictures of my butt that make sure I got nothing going on there. I poop in the lobby of my building a lot because it's a quiet little spot. Nobody goes in there. So if I'm coming home. If you're that close to home. Huh? I'll leave the house. Yeah, I'll go down there and do my business. You know, take the elevator down, stretch my legs a little bit. It's quiet in there. It's bigger than my bathroom. It's one of the craziest things in the room. Really? Yeah. Yeah, it's wild. I don't like this one bit. And I doubt the neighbors are thrilled by it. Nobody knows you're in there. Nobody uses it. There's two bathrooms in our building no one goes into. One in the gym and one in the lobby. And I use them both. Okay. Like an extended living room. When I went in there and I had my winter coat on, I was like, I've got to take this off. It's like playing now. I think playing now is putting something in my food. Tell my wife, I'm in my office. Yeah, I don't know. I don't love doing away games. Are you okay with an away game? I try to shit. I try to not do it. I shit at the gym if I have to, but I try to always shit at home. I like home shit. But yeah, same with the hotel. I'm like, Starbucks, shit, I can't do it. I try not to do it. I can, but I don't want to. You'll shit in your hotel room. Yeah, yeah, that's what I mean. I got to get back to the hotel room. Gotcha. Oh, yeah, if you're on the road. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I just mean like I won't shit in the restaurant. I'll save it up. A hundred percent. Because I want to take the pants off. I want to get half a boner, read, whatever, watch YouTube. I'm with you. Have the shower as an option if things get hairy. You know what I mean? You get one of those rogue wipes that goes up the side. I got to get right in the shower. Buddy, you're speaking my language. My percentage of that is about, I don't know, 30%. Yeah, same. I'm getting in the shower after. Yeah. That's a high number. I like to be fresh. Yeah. Is that bad? You got a removable shower head? No. So what are you going to do, like a lean? I take a shower. I know, but how do you get up in the hole? He puts his hand in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you mean normal? The shower, the water comes down, I put my butt again towards the shower, and I... If you get a removable shower head, you just jam that shower head right in there. Blast it out. Sure. I guess. Highly recommend. Huh. Interesting. Wait, when you do that, are you only washing your bottom? You're not taking a whole shower? No, I take a whole shower, but then when it comes time for my asshole, I put that shower head right in there. You guys know. Luke, I'm with it. You don't have a removable shower head. I do not. Yeah. But if you do. If you do. That's trash. It'd be going on my ass. What? Removable shower head. No, that's classy. No, that's class. I had to get a new bathroom, and they're, like, big, and then the middle of it pops up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no, that's nice. I don't like that. And then they have adjustable. I don't like the way you mean it's on, like, a post next to the regular shower. No, that's classy, too. Yeah. You can move that up and down. I can never work those, though. Yeah, you're not a sharp guy. Nah. Kind of an idiot. Okay. Same. Hey, did you mail your entire savings to a guy? That I've never done. I couldn't imagine going into a bank and doing that. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to leave here. I'm going to go straight to the bank and say, hey, give me that money back. What's going on? Yeah. They can put a stop on it. Yeah. Cancel the check. But you have to wait a certain amount of time for it to clear to get back. Yeah, that's not going to go right back into your account. No. But at least no one will have it. It should close it for a while. It should feel like such a fuck-up. Yeah. But that's what he told me to do. He's a money guy. I don't trust these money guys. Mm-mm. Should have gave it to me. I'll put it on the market a little bit. Yeah. He knows what he's doing. I mean, this market, GOP, S&M, whatever. Savings account. You can't lose it in a savings account. No, you lose in a savings. No. Savings is bad. It goes down. You want your money working for you. Luke knows everything. This guy is smart as fuck. Yeah, Luke's a rich kid. Yeah. He leaves it somewhere and doesn't touch it. Because it's compounding. You've got to compound. Compound interest. Compound interest on the principal. Yep. That annoys me about finance a little bit. Mr. Building. Is that they use different words for words that we would know. You know what I mean? They want to fuck you up. It's like they keep dumb people out. It's like tennis scoring. Yeah, capital and dividends and all that shit. It's just profit. What? Capital's not. Capital's money. Capital's money. Working capital, yes. Dividends is what you make off that money. It's more like the leftover. You get them when you buy a stock that gets paid out every year. It's just a little bit. Yeah, see, I don't know. I don't know what any of it is. I don't know what NASDAQ is. I don't know what Dow means. I don't know what S&M is. S&P, whatever the fuck it is. What is with the fucking tennis score? What's the problem with that? Costa has a great analogy. 40 love? Yeah, I mean, the French literally did it to keep the lower class people out. See, I respect that. Yeah. I like that. I'm a big tennis guy. Tennis guy. I'm going to a tennis tournament this weekend. Where? In Austin. I got a hookup. Who's playing? Venus Williams is in it. And Jessica Pagula. It's a ladies tournament. Singles? Oh, yeah. Coco Golf? No, it's a smaller tournament. But I told my son, I go, we're going to go. We might meet some lady tennis players. And he went, ooh. A little bit of hound dog in that boy. Like father, like son, huh? Chip off the old block. A couple of liras down there. Yeah, I'm going to meet a couple of gals. You got good seats? I'm free roaming, baby. I got the ins. I got a hookup. And it connects through the – or did somebody get you the – No, it's a guy, a Tuesday. His wife works for the tennis association. So I got to meet some people. I met Francis Tiafoe. I don't know if you know. He's no big foe. Black guy, right? I mean, I try not to. I knew you were going to leave me hanging on that one. Who's the Australian guy everybody thinks is kind of a dick? The one that kind of yelled at Ben Stiller. Oh, oh, oh. But he was yelling at the guy next to Ben Stiller. I like that guy. I think that guy's got an attitude. Oh, what's the guy? God, you put me on the spot. Now I can't think of it. Nick Kyrgios. Yeah. Yeah, he was yelling at the guy next to Ben Stiller, but he used Stiller as an example. But then people spun it as though he was yelling at them. Yeah, he's a lot. Well, you lean on anybody to get. Do you have a ticket guy? No ticket guy. But I'll email the old pooch. Yeah, we've emailed people like, hey, can we get this? And they'll be like, we're working on it. And they come back like, yeah, we got no luck on that. Which I think they throw your name out and people go, yeah, we're good. Well, lately, the last few times I've hit up one of the companies, I don't want to say who, for tickets. They're like, we can get you face value. And I'm like this. What the fuck, face value? I'm a fucking Johnny Jerkull. Yeah, I'm like, I thought I was getting the hookup. But, you know, what can you do? Wait, that's crazy. That's crazy. That's like the last six times in a row. Does that mean that they're selling you the ticket? No. It's a hold. They hold tickets for the artists, but then they don't. The artist doesn't want to give you the ticket, I think, so you're paying for the. What the fuck? Face value. Yeah, yeah. That's like when. You want my $72.50? $72.50 is not getting you any show these days. It's like $350 for a concert now. Sure. WME's got it. Yeah, they got that cash. Believe me, I know. We're getting screwed at every angle here Yep I got no connects You gonna dress up for the tennis tournament? Yeah, what do you wear? Please don't wear that Liquid death sweatpants? It's hockey, baby It's a tournament I'll wear some, you know, yes It's Austin, it's gonna be 60 degrees So probably some stretchy pants What you would wear on a flight Yeah You're not dressing up When you go to the U.S. Open, do you dress up a little bit for that? No If you went to Wimbledon, would you dress up for that? Wimbledon, I think they make you. They fucking hit you with a cattle product. Gotta wear white. It's crazy. So if I go to Wimbledon someday, I'll dress up. It's hard to dress. It gets all wrinkly. It's the worst. Telling two fat guys. Everything's all wrinkly. You look like a jackass. I can't do it. Look good for two seconds. Exactly. And I can't iron. I'm not taking out an iron on the road. Oh, that's a good one. Oh, you're not taking one out. Yeah, I'm not going to fucking spritz it and do the thing. I'm always afraid of burning my shirt or myself. Do a steamer? Take a steamer? Steamers suck. Yeah, I don't think they work. They suck. It doesn't work. They suck. Steamer is a fucking ripoff. Do you know how to iron the technique of it? Vaguely. I think you press the button. He heats up his mac and cheese on it. You press the button, it spritzes, and then you rub it, but not too much. Do you guys ever talk? My mom. Really? I had to iron at a young age. My mother ironed every single day on a table, though. She had to put a beach towel on the table. That's old. And ironed it on the table. Huh. Yeah. No ironing. Did you grow up in the Depression? That's crazy. Wait, what was she ironing? My dad's shirts. Not your clothes. No. I've been wearing this since I've talked about this. I've never changed style. You can go to any year. I'm wearing running sneakers, black sweatpants, a rock and roll t-shirt, my hair. I just push back. There's not one moment of me in my life that you can be like, oh, remember that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. An American original. There's no, I never had any, whatever these things were, the lines. I never pegged my pants. I never wore. Pegged your pants? That's what we call it. Taper them. Yeah, taper them up. Really? You didn't roll them up? Tight ones. No. I never had, like, what's the thing when you blew on it and changed the color, hyper color? Pussy. What? Blew on it and changed the color? Remember that? Freaky freezers? It was shirts. It was shirts. It was like hyper color shirts. Where did you grow up? Pull that up. Me? No. Yeah. That was big. You guys didn't have that? Shirts that change color? Yeah, hyper-color shirts. Hyper-color shirts, yeah. What? You must have had that. I had matchboxes that would do that, and you would put them in cold water. Similar. Hyper-color shirt, you'd blow on it, and it would turn a different color. I didn't have none of that. Would it then go back? I don't know. I think so. You're wearing mood ring shirts. He's just horny all the time. Dude, this is horny. This is going to be big. People are going to be writing it. I said I never did. Other people did. You remember? You don't remember, but you're reading about it. This kid's 14. He doesn't know what the hell I'm talking about. Hypercolor had a moment. I'm not wearing those changing color shirts. Let me get eyes on this. You're going to get a lot of emails about Hypercolor. I remember freaky freezers, the gloves. Oh, I never had freaky freezers. Now who's the asshole? Never had a whoopee pie. Yeah, I don't remember. Early 90s. Did you have the L.A. light shoes ever? I never had those, but that was a big myth that a guy robbed a bank, And then he ran into the woods and they found him. I remember my dad telling his boys that on the side of a soccer field. And they were dying. That was big. It was probably shrouded in some amount of racism there. Like, these fucking dummies. They run around. I don't think you're wrong. I think you're pretty dead on it. Yeah, that's what they're doing now. They saw him under the bush. Yeah. This guy's hiding in the bushes. Wasn't there a story about that guy that started those sneakers? That he got in trouble or something like that? The founder of that sneaker company? L.A. Lights? Yeah. I don't know. Maybe. I wouldn't surprise myself. Jesus Christ. Why would you pin me down to know that? I don't know. I'm trying to have a conversation. You two are fucking stonewalling. What about Reebok Pumps? I'm no stone. I'm not stoning. You left me hanging on the Valentine's Day stuff. I hadn't been introduced at that point. I would have jumped in. I thought I had to wait. It said it was bad. I had to wait. I would have told you how bad it was right away. I had to wait for my thing. But do you remember Reebok Pumps? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that was, I thought only NBA players could wear those. You didn't go for that, I assume. I had Reebok pumps. You did? That was big. I think my parents, like, fucking saved up and got me those. And the only thing I would do with them is get them as tight as I possibly could to have them let out the longest possible. But that was big. Nah. Yeah. I never had any cool shit like that. Nah. What about the wrist things that you hit? Those were big. Those were nice. I would buy those in Party City. What are they called? Snap bracelet. Snap bracelet. Yeah. Something like that. They were real. Did you ever do, like, the fake cigarettes? Not the candy cigarettes. There used to be fake cigarettes. The ones with gum had a little bit of punch. No, not even that. There was this place Party City used to sell. They were just, like. I don't think so. I think Sarah has those now, though, for sketches. Yeah. Wait, there wasn't candy or anything? We had candy cigarettes for sure. Yeah, candy cigarettes. No, these were, like, fake cigarettes. And you would just, like, you could pull some smoke out of it. I don't know if it was, like, I don't know what it was. But that's why I started smoking. Get a packet of them. You should sue them. What? Sue them. Okay. I got money. Have a million check. Let's do one more, and then we can wrap it up here. Let's see. I'm schvitzing. You've got to be dying. I'm dying in this sweatshirt. It's horrible. It is horrible. No breathing. This is from Adam Fry's $10 home eat. Is it garbage to take a cup of coffee into the exam room on your annual physical? Yeah, that's not good. I feel any outside food or beverage should not be entering the doctor's domicile. I got in trouble for that a few times during the pregnancy because we'd go to get the x-ray. What do the fuck you call it? Ultrasound. Ultrasound. And I would have my cup of tea, and they would be like, you can't. You got to take that out. And you're like. Cup of tea? Come on, Larry. You know me. Yeah. So I don't think it's a good look. Yeah. I would do it. How comfortable when you're in there by yourself, when you go to your doctor, How comfortable do you get when you're waiting for the doctor? Do you remain on the examination thing, or will you sit in a regular chair? Are you opening drawers? No, I'm shitting my pants. I sit there. I'm terrified. I shake like a leaf, and I almost cry. Really? I never sit in the exam chair. As soon as I'm done getting my blood pressure, I get out of that. I'll lean up against the counter. Playing it real cool? Yeah. I'm not sitting there like a sucker. I'll sit in his chair. I'll sit in a little stool. No, I'm scared. Even talking about the doctor triggers me. Really? I freaked out right now. I got high blood pressure. You got high blood pressure? No, blood pressure's good. Really? Surprisingly. What about you? Yeah, I'm a little high. Me too. I was. Oh, boy. I got to go to an annual. I haven't had a physical. I did a physical two years ago. Oh, boy. That was the first one in 10 years. Going tomorrow. I got a stress test tomorrow. You say I'm a goner? Yeah. Stress test? But I thought that's for blood pressure, or no? It's for your heart. Just in general. Yeah. But your blood pressure's good. That's huge. Yeah, good blood pressure. Take a coffee. Jack it up. Get a high score. That's the thing I'm worried about tomorrow. If I can't run fast enough on the treadmill to get my heart rate up to a certain thing, they give you a drug that jacks up your heart rate, and it doesn't feel good. You feel like you're dying. Oh, Jesus. So we got that going for us. Yeah. Can I tell you guys about my buddy when we was drinking and driving, and we switched a lot? Jesus Christ. I got to get my check. We're falling apart here. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Joe List. Jolton Joe, baby. What a country. The USA kid. Always a pleasure. Yeah. Joe, you know we love you, buddy. I love being here. I love you guys. Plug away. Anything you got coming up? Oh, jeez. I almost forgot. Well, Tom Dustin movie is still up on there. Which is phenomenal. Home run. Thank you. Phenomenal. Yes, please. It's six bucks for God's sake. Six bucks. So that's there. And then I'm coming to Fort Lauderdale. I'm there for the Miami Open. I'm traveling around going to tennis matches. I love tennis. Really? Because I'm classy. You're pairing that with the tour a little bit? Well, Tommy Pucciani, my guy. He knows what I like. And then Providence Comedy Connection in April and going back home to be the garbage, live in the garbage that I hail from. But, yeah, and then punchuplive.com. Are you guys on Punch Up? Yeah, I think. I love Punch Up. It's a great website. Punchuplive.com slash Joe List. Bunch of stuff on there. YouTube. I got four specials on YouTube. Check it out. One of the best. Joe List, everybody. What do you got for him? Guys, we're on the road. I think Austin might be sold out. We're not adding the shows. Fifth show added in Tampa. Get those tickets. Chicago's selling out. LA. Get them. It's a comedy club. Get those tickets now. We love you. Joe, we love you. Thank you. Gang, we love you. We'll see you next week. Peace. Thank you.