What Can You Control? Nature Versus Nurture

I still think that a lot of it is nurture. And even if it isn't, wouldn't you rather parent that way anyway? Would you rather just throw your hands up and say, oh, well, nature, nothing I can do. Even if I thought it might be nature, I would still blame myself and try and fix it. How to handle a very strong-willed six-year-old boy who doesn't take no for an answer. Are you 100% consistent? Do you sometimes say yes to something and then the exact same thing next week you say no? My two-year-old tests boundaries hardcore and does not care when the fun is removed. I would invent some leverage. I'd go out and buy leverage. I'd find something that she really would not want to give up. Welcome to the Brat Busters Parenting Podcast. My name's Lisa Bunnage. I'm a parenting coach. I'm a mom. I'm also a grandmother. And I'm Amy Bunnage, Lisa's daughter, and I handle the marketing and planning here at Brat Busters. While I don't have kids, each episode will dive into parenting topics and Lisa will answer your questions. Let's get started. Okay, Sugar Lump, what are we talking about today? Today's topic is all about the idea of nature versus nurture. Wow. I am going to start. This was inspired by a question that we got, and I will start with the question first. So we have Steph from Australia. I'd love to get Lisa's thoughts on nature versus nurture. Are there some genetic or hereditary traits that can't be changed by nurture? Is out nature too strong to overcome by nurture? Bit of a philosophical question, but I'd love to hear your views on this, especially since Lisa was adopted. Thank you. Oh, good, because I was adopted. Yeah, that's interesting. The problem is I don't know what I get from my birth parents because I never knew them, so I don't know anything. The only two things that I found out was they all, I have very light green eyes. They had light green eyes and their hair never goes gray. And I haven't got, I'm 65 with no gray hair. That's all I know, pretty much. Except my mother had some mental health issues and she was young, and that's why she gave me up. So that's all I know. Now, this is a philosophical question, but I kind of run with this. I say there's four things that we're born with. One is four traits that your kids are born with. And it's just, I'm just generalizing, but it's the ones that parents come up against all the time with toddlers. One is hitting, one is running, one is climbing, and one is tantrums, okay? It's in the basic nature department. They're either gonna do those or they're never gonna do them. But it's in their basic nature to do those things. I do believe that you're born with a basic nature. Like some people are more hyperactive, some people are calmer, some people are more quick to anger, very highly emotional, some are, you know, little, even toddlers will stop and think before they act. Like they just don't, they hold back. You were like that. You never did anything, she's still like that. It's like she has to process something before she takes action or says anything. She was like that when she was little too. So yeah, we're born with a basic nature, but I think that the social skills and the behavior are things that we can work with and nurture. Okay, something I do wanna touch on is my guess, and this is just, in general, what I would assume is that if your kids are maybe a little bit easier, maybe a little bit more well-behaved, maybe you're more inclined to say it's nurture, and then if your kids are acting out, you might be more inclined to say it's nature. I would say I never took credit for your basic natures. You know, I'd say you're on the easier side, both of you. And I never took credit for that. So yeah, but now parents are more inclined to be, yeah, I could see that happening. Like they're really super easy kids. They will often say, well, all I did was. So parents will justify that, because they got a two-year-old who's sitting there politely in a restaurant eating. They might just really love their food. And then there's someone at the next table whose their kid's going crazy running around the table. They might just, they might be hyperactive or whatever, but parents, you don't take credit with toddlers, I would say, that's one thing. So they're just forming at that stage, but past the age of three, four, five, you can start taking credit. Yeah, you can if they're good. And you can also start taking the blame if they're not, because between the age of three and 12, all their behavior, I take, I always say that's up to you. You have total control over how they act and how they treat people between the age of three and 12. Under that, no, I'm generalizing, but basically, under the age of three, their toddlers, they're gonna try stuff. That's their basic nature coming out. And then teenagers, they are more influenced by others because they're pulling away from you a little bit. But you are their biggest influence if you're a leader. But yeah, I could see why parents would take credit when they're good. And not wanna take the blame when they're not. So I can see that. But yeah, past the age of three, yeah, I would say go for it. Under that, nope. Now I could imagine as well, if you are, maybe you have three kids and the first two, you parented very similar and it seemed to go all well. And then you have a third kid and things just don't work the same way. Like your skills just don't seem to apply to this other kid. What are your thoughts on that? Well, my thoughts are that, I deal with this in coaching a lot. They say, you know, we just thought we were the best parents in the world. Our first kid was such a joy to be with. And the second one's a holy terror. And I said, well, I said, maybe you just lucked out and got an easy kid. That can happen too, by the way. No, but you can do everything wrong and they're still gonna turn out easy. I mean, there's so many exceptions to this, but I go with sort of basics and the odds here. The odds are, past the age of three, you do have a lot of control over how they're turning out. And their personality is formed in the first seven years. And it's all done through observation. So a lot of parents tend to talk and tell their kids what they want. They're not listening to you, they're watching you. They're watching how you act. If you're inclined to yell and be highly emotional and get angry quicker, they are inclined to go one of two ways. They'll either it'll be like a turtle and pull their heads in, because they hate that, it scares them. Or they're gonna also start yelling. So they are watching you. So be careful what you do and say around your kids. But yeah, I can see why parents, and plus, I also wanna say nobody really knows, okay? Nobody really knows how much is nurtured, how much is nature. And you can talk to a thousand different scientists or child psychologists, and I'll bet there'll be a lot of conflicting outcomes with that. So, but I just go with the idea that I'm gonna take over from everything, hoping that a lot of it is nurture, okay? Because why wouldn't you? You would never throw your hands up and say, well, that's just nature, I give up, right? I take it all on as my responsibility, whether it is or not, whether I have the power or not, I take it on as my responsibility as a leader. Let's talk, because you talk a lot about that fork in the road at three. Do you wanna discuss that? Yeah, the fork in the road at three, at three they sort of develop the ability to stop and think before they act. They start to develop common sense that frontal lobe is starting to kick in at this point, starting to grow. But that's the fork in the road. If you've been a calm leader up until that point and really connected and playing with them, because they love languages, fun, and then they get easier at three, okay? Because they stop and realize that, well, I got a leader here, life's great, I'm just gonna go with the flow. And then, but still, you want them to have a voice too, right? You don't want obedient soldiers here, you want confident kids. But if you haven't been a leader, if you've been yelling and inconsistent, not playing with them enough, they go the other way. So it's that fork in the road. I often joke that they blow out that third birthday candle and then they go, ooh, they stop and think, which way am I gonna go? So I really see it with kids because that's when they really can react beautifully to a leader or the opposite. Now, are there certain things that you think are more in your control as a parent versus things that maybe aren't? Social skills, yeah. How they treat other people, I think has a lot to do with you. How they view themselves, I think also has a lot to do with you. But think about it, you can have like 10 siblings and you'll all be different. Some will be more emotional, some will be more sort of methodical, think things through. I do believe you're born that way. I think that you're born with. I don't know for sure, I'm not a scientist and even scientists, they don't know for sure. But I do see it a lot. You see that basic nature stuff. You can see it with babies. And I'll give you a good example. Her brother was very loud. I would call them both on the easier side for sure. But he was very loud, very chatty. He wasn't overly active, but he was more like loud and extrovert as a toddler. He was like that in the womb. I can remember he would put his foot out. You know how they do that? They get the heel up in the solar plexus area. And you had to push it back down. He would push back and move around a lot. Whereas with my daughter, the same thing would happen. I'd push, she'd pull her foot in and not move for like a whole hour. It's like, whoops, what did I do there? So they were just, you know, he was a real extrovert and she was more of an introvert when they were really little, right? So that's the basic nature. You can see it when they're newborns even some scream more than others. You know, they're all different, right? But the basic nature you can't fight, I don't believe, but you can certainly mold the social and the behavioral stuff. But their basic nature, are they more inclined to get angry? Are they more inclined to be more chatty or quiet? Are they more inclined to think before they act? Are they more inclined to have a filter before they say something or not? You know, I was evidently a very confident outgoing kid and I'm still kind of like that now. I never really had a filter. I wish I had more of a filter, but if I've got feelings, boy, everyone around me, I'll tell you this funny story. Well, it's not a funny story, but the old Roseanne show, the original one, there's Jackie and Roseanne were the two sisters and Jackie was really going through something and Roseanne kept saying, what's bugging you? And she goes, I know you have to process it and keep it to yourself. And she goes, on the other hand, I'm the opposite. I like to share my misery with everybody around me. You're like Jackie and I'm like Roseanne. I like to share my misery and sometimes I wish I wasn't like that, but I have to share whatever I'm thinking. So that I think you're born with, to be honest. But my social skills, I can go in any room and talk to anyone. My parents are both like, especially my mom, she was a real social extrovert. That stuff, the social stuff, I really think you pick up. There are exceptions, but that's the social, how you present yourself to the world and how you treat people. I really think that has a lot to do with nurture. And that's what we're working with here, is behavior, how you treat people. I think as well, there are, I mean, there's just certain things like your outward appearance and possibly like IQ, like there probably are some things that are just more set determined by your nature. But I think that as well, I know, I'm like trying to think of words. So you know what I'm laughing at. What, tell me. You said your appearance. So you think that you can nurture someone into being beautiful. You can nurture the appearance and change it. Sorry, it just struck me as funny. My point is that that's more nature. But I would say things like work ethic. Like even if like maybe you struggle a little bit more in school, like I'm sure that the, not I'm sure, but I'm guessing a parent could increase the kid's work ethic. And I don't think that intelligence, I think it's, you know, you're lucky if you're born really smart or really pretty, right? Lucky. But I think the people who do really well, it's more about personality and perseverance and work ethic. I think that what you put out there is more important than what the gifts you were born with. I really do. Maybe touch on the topic of your approach to gifts in the sense of, you know what I'm talking about. I know exactly what you're talking about. I won't name the gifts specifically, but both of my kids had certain things that I thought they were very lucky to be born with. Okay. And I saw, I said, you can never take pride in that because that was just a gift you were given. Never be proud of that. Okay. Be proud of how you treat people, your work ethic, doing chores, it's what you do and what you give out to the world. And be proud of that. But I never wanted them to be proud of something they were just given. I thought that was ridiculous. It would be like a guy being like six foot five and just being really proud of that. Being proud of being six foot five. It's exactly the same idea. Yeah, you can't be proud of that. You can be grateful, right? That's different, but you can't take pride in that. Well, what I did to be six foot five was I was born with these certain genetics. Wow, good for you. And I think that's a really, I wanna touch this point a little bit more as you've really taught us to work for things growing up. And I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I definitely do think that you, where you put the emphasis was things that were within our control. And I think that's almost how you put parenting too, is you're all about focusing on what parents can control. I'm all about focusing on how you put yourself out there in the world rather than feeling like a victim. I think it's really important to take control because what else are you gonna do? You're gonna sit around and cry because your kids are acting out. No, take charge, start to fix it. You can do this, okay? Parenting is, okay, all children need Craven want a leader. They're not gonna tell you they want that. The way that they tell you that they do need it is they act out. Parents don't realize that. It's a message to you, hey, wait, I need a leader. You're not a leader right now. They need Craven want a leader. If you're not their influence, they're their strong leader in their life, you're gonna send them out in the world very vulnerable to peer pressure, bullying, the drug dealer on the corner, the internet, the Kardashians. They're gonna be very vulnerable because they're gonna be looking for leadership or influence elsewhere. That's why you wanna be that. Also, you're a safe place to land. They have a voice that can tell you anything. If you mess up, they should be able to free, they should be able to tell you, you messed up. My kids had said that. I would've gone, oh no, what do you want? They would've said, we'd like to go to the Water Slide Park after school. It was fun, they had a voice. I was accountable, they were accountable, but I was the leader for sure. I was mom, I was the leader, and I was the one they told everything to, and that's what the leader does. The leader is that safe haven. Somewhere they can go to, they feel good about themselves and they can tell you anything. All children need Craven want that. Are your kids driving you nuts? They don't have to. Check out bratbusters.com for my bootcamp courses if you wanna learn how to become a leader. Maybe let's touch on the topic of people being able to change. And I know this is, I think we're getting into some. Well, we're getting above our heads, but it's okay to, this is more my opinion, by the way. I wanna state that because I've already sort of said that. I don't know what nature is and what nurture is. I don't really know the power of each. I'm just guessing through like 50 plus years of experience with kids, what I've seen, the kids are capable of. I'm always shocked at how no matter how difficult the kid was or teenager that I was working with, I always could get their respect. They always ended up treating me well. I found that fascinating. And I think as well, possibly because we're all different, we're all gonna be born a little bit differently without natures, but I think also I could assume that you could approach parenting as working with the kid's nature as well. Like I'm sure that there are positives and negatives to all parts of our personalities. I wasn't looking for many me's in that I never thought I was perfect and I didn't want my kids to be many me's. I wanted them to be the best they could be with their individual personalities. So I really emphasize that. And I often say, if you're not learning from your children about life and about yourself, and if you're not correcting yourself along the way and changing yourself as a result of raising kids, you're doing it wrong. You're not listening enough to your kids. I'll give you a good example. It might not sound like anything big, but it kind of is. I remember back in the day, my son is 36 now, but when he was a teenager, he got into heavy metal. And I hate heavy metal. No, I hated heavy metal. And I was listening to Michael Buble. Well, you get the picture, right? So anyway, but I said to him, I like to think I have an open mind. What do they call that? The mindset, the- The open mindset. Open mindset. What's the other one? Sat-Fix. Fixed mindset. Yeah, I like to think I have an open mindset. Anyway, so I said, you know, there's gotta be some heavy metal songs I like. So he ran, got his, whatever they had in the day, what was that little thing called? They had all your music on? He got his record player out and put his photograph out. But that little thing that played, you know, it was like a little- The iPod? The iPod, I guess. Anyway, got that. And darned if he didn't find a bunch of heavy metal songs. And he selectively chose the ones he thought I might like. So he chose them. I got really into it. I changed. And to this day, like yesterday at the gym, I was listening to Judy Garland, Michael Buble, NWA and slipknot. Now I would not have had that diverse appreciation of music if I had not opened my mind and listened to my son's music, right? So if you're not learning from them and changing some of your ways, you're not doing it right. Cause they're gonna, they're coming with fresh minds. They're coming with fresh brains. They don't have all the baggage that we have. They can teach you something. So respect that, listen to it. Do you know what Spotify RAPT is? No. So at the very end of the year, Spotify will give you like a little synopsis of what you've listened to. Your Spotify RAPT would not know what to do. It's gonna self destruct. You'll see smoke coming out of it. Yeah. No, I listened to really weird stuff. Mostly, I would say mostly a lot of Eminem right now. I'm really into that old, like old school, that kind of stuff. But I do love heavy metal music. And, but I don't like rock and roll. Isn't that funny? Never did. Where I was originally getting with this question is, let's say hypothetically, a parent has a really strong willed, maybe a little bit more defiant kid. I think that oftentimes that is viewed as a negative, but you often talk about how there are a lot of positives from that mindset. Well, think about it this way. If you're gonna be a leader in business, or really successful and maybe making a change in the world, are you gonna be really laid back and easygoing? Or are you gonna be kind of defiant? You're gonna have that stick-to-itiveness. You're really gonna have belief in your convictions. Those are the fighters in the world. Those are the kids who often, as their adults, they make a big difference in the world. So you just don't know how to work with it. So what if they're defiant? They know what they like and how they like it. You gotta work with that, okay? And respect it. So they're not many youths. Just because they're not like the other kids doesn't make it worse. Just because they're not like you doesn't make it worse. Just because they're more defiant and more snarly doesn't make them worse people. You just haven't learned how to deal with them yet. Because those are all the kids I worked with. I never worked with an easy kid. I worked with all those snarly ones. And I actually really liked them. They were never boring, put it that way. But also, I didn't wanna shame them for that. I was very careful with that. So I wanted them to feel like they could say what they were thinking. And then when they respect you, they treat you well anyway. But I earned that. I worked for that. A lot of parents blame their kids when they're acting out. You gotta look in a mirror, okay? It's you. Always, always, always blame yourself. If your kids are acting out, maybe it's not your fault, but always, always, always blame yourself and think, wow, I dropped the ball here. What am I gonna do? How am I gonna fix this? Get proactive, become a problem solver. Your children didn't ask to be brought into this world. It's your job to make their life as good as possible. And having a leader is part of that. Okay, should we get into the parenting questions? Oh, I thought that was it. Okay. These are just general questions, not specifically about the nature versus nurture. So the first one is Chazelle from the United States. How to handle a very strong-willed six-year-old boy just turned six this week, who doesn't take no for an answer. I stick to it with firmness and remain calm for the most part. But he will go into a full-fledged tantrum if he has his heart set on something. I find it very draining. This can happen one to two times per week. Something that just flew into my head. I could be wrong about this, but are you 100% consistent? Do you sometimes say yes to something and then the exact same thing next week? You say no, because you said yes because you just wanted to make your life easier. I'm guessing you're a little bit inconsistent. You gotta be 100% predictable. If you say no to something, no, you cannot have my iPhone to play within the car and then to watch in the car while we're driving. And then the next day, you don't let them have it. That's inconsistent. That's gonna cause him to have problems. That could be part of it. And you said he doesn't accept no for an answer. He doesn't have to like it. Just follow through. If you know you're being fair and reasonable and consistent, just keep following through. I don't know what's going on here, but they only have blow-ups or meltdowns or tantrums past the age of four if they're still working or if you're being totally unreasonable. So think about it. Are you being reasonable? Are you consistent? Do you have days where you say, I just can't deal with this. I'm gonna give in to whatever he wants. And then the next day, you don't. That is one of the most common things that around his age that causes blow-ups like that. I can imagine though as a parent that that would be so tempting. If you're running late or you have to do something, those exceptions must be so tempting. Well, it's like anything. It's like, let's say dieting. You think, you know, I've been so good Monday through Friday, but Saturday and Sunday, I'm just gonna go to the pizzeria and the cheesecake factory and all that stuff. I'm just gonna go for it. But I can't figure out why I'm not losing weight. It's like that. You have to be consistent when you're learning how to do this especially. But yeah, I always say getting respect is hard work, but maintaining it's a piece of cake. It doesn't mean that you don't, everything's about food with me. Anyway, it doesn't mean that you're not still following through. It's just it gets easier because the kids respect you. And you respect them. Remember, you give respect to get it. It's not a one-way street here. I don't teach authority parenting. I teach leadership. Okay, the next one is Angel from the United Kingdom. How to stop a 19-month-old called their screaming. She started because of silly other adults doing a silly contest of screaming the loudest. Now she does it nonstop. I'm trying to teach her to silent scream and whisper, but she still screams too much. It hurts the grandparents. So 19-month-old toddler screaming, you just sort of go, ooh, and you just sort of maybe look away. Every time they do it, you gotta be good at this though. You gotta get really consistent. Go, ooh, look away. And then when they talk nicely or when they've stopped screaming for a minute or so, then you give them attention. The second they scream again, they gotta connect the dots though. They're only 19 months old. Every time they scream, they get just temporary, you're just gonna look away. It's not a snub. It's just that they're not gonna get any attention when they do that. That's what I'd give that a go. Okay, the next one is May from Canada. How do I help my eight-year-old that is having immense difficulty dealing with things that are not going his way? He whines and complains that it's not fair or I have such bad luck and gets into spats with kids at school when a game or something isn't turning out the way he wants. This problem is creating a lot of friction between him and his father, as well because his father is concerned that his son has a really bad attitude. It's entitlement. Now, I'm assuming you give in to him a lot at home. Entitlement is something, it's spoiled as kind of the same thing. So if you spoil your kids and give in to their demands, you didn't mention any other kids. I wonder if he has siblings. It sounds like you kind of cater to him at home. So when he does go out, he's used to getting his own way. I'm guessing that's what it is. I don't cater to kids. If anything, I'd make sure that I don't just so that they don't have that entitlement. So yeah, I'm thinking you probably, you probably avoid things to avoid a scene. If you're avoiding what needs to be done or doing the right thing because you're afraid of a scene, he's in charge, he's now spoiled. He's also now entitled because he's realizing that you're afraid of him basically if you're avoiding a scene at home. I'm assuming that's where it's coming from. I could be off on that, could be other things, but yeah. And it's also a poor sportsmanship too. Life isn't fair. Like I remember my kids, I don't know which one of them said something once and I said, well, welcome to Life Kitto. It's not fair. Like you go out in the world, you're gonna see all sorts of people who have way more than you do and way less than you do. So life isn't fair. We don't all get the same cards dealt to us in life. Sometimes they're good, sometimes they're bad. Most people get a mix of both, but some people never get that. I've known people who hardly get anything throughout their whole life. One little thing happens when they're 80 and they have a fit because they've never, because they've had such an easy life. So, but that's rare. And I kind of feel sorry for those people because they're also the winers and complainers actually. They're the ones most likely to complain because they've never had anything to put up with. So they tend to complain about the little things. So yeah, I wouldn't try and make his life easy. I'm suggesting you're trying to make his life too easy for him. You want him to have chores, that's one thing. You don't want to fill his demands. If you're going out shopping and he wants to get a toy or a treat every time, I wouldn't do that. You see, you're probably trying to make his life easy. And there are certain things that you want to be easy, like you should be able to tell you anything, but you don't wanna go out and buy him toys every time. You don't wanna avoid things that upset him, even though it needs to be done. Give him some chores, give him some responsibilities and teach him life isn't fair kiddo, welcome to the world. There's a little bit more. It says, I haven't been one to swoop in and prevent him from experiencing disappointment or frustration. So it's hard to know where this coming from. Should I ignore the attitude and just continue modeling calm when things are not going my way, please help. Well, you said that after I lectured about the other and then you told me that she isn't giving in. I had to take a pause and you just started and I was like, I'm gonna let you go. Yeah, whatever, just ignore everything I just said. Anyway, no, don't, because those other people might be going through that. So yeah, I'm suggest, okay, the other thing is that you're reacting to it. I would just ignore it. The winds and complaints say, oh, okay, life isn't fair kiddo. That's what my mother would have said. If I wind and complain, she would have said, well, welcome to the world kiddo. So yeah, just have that kind of attitude if he's going on about nothing, right? And also poor sportsmanship is also a form of entitlement too. They expect to win all the time. And I remember my mom used to be so excited. She was just so proud of the fact both of her kids were such good sports. And I never understood that because I was always lousy at sports. I didn't know what she meant by that. But it's that we play hard to win, but we don't care if we win, if that makes any sense. My mom said, I'd rather lose and play well than win through luck. She always emphasized the playing and how you live your life, not the outcome, not the goal, not the reward. So she always emphasized the sportsmanship. So maybe, yeah, I don't know, could just be the fact you're reacting to it. That could be part of it. I think also, and as the kids get older, like I do remember something that you hammered home to me was you have no idea what someone's going on, like behind closed doors. Yeah, we always think that we're the only ones going through something when we're going through something. But when you really dig deep, you find, other people are going through stuff that you didn't even know about, could be worse than what you're going through. I guess it's relative, but you know what I mean. You never know what's going on with other people. How did that have to do with that? I think it just, what it gave me perspective of, and it's not specifically related to this, but it was the idea of like, it's not fair, life's not fair, like for example, in high school, if there was a really popular girl at school, and I was like, that's not fair, like she just seems like she has so many friends, and then you were like, well, I know that she's actually really struggling with this at home, or like, just giving that perspective that just because you see one aspect of somebody's life, and you think that's not fair that I don't have that, it for me at least has helped a lot, just kind of give me a bigger picture. Well, I mean, I lost my dad when I was young. He got cancer when I was 10, he died when I was 14, it was hell. And I can remember though, so I never really had a childhood, like, you know, I kind of lost that. But I remember being really jealous of this one girl who seemed to have it all, and I didn't know her that well or anything, she seemed to have it all. I found out years later, I ran into her somewhere, I don't know, we just ran into each other and started chatting, she was going through hell in her private life, like really bad, really serious stuff. I'd rather my dad die than what she went through, and you just never know. You never know, the grass always looks greener, but sometimes it's dead, you just never know what's going on on the other side of the fence. Oh, and also we talk about gratitude. How do you teach kids gratitude? Cause if he's whining and complaining a lot, those kids never have gratitude either, right? So how do you teach kids gratitude? They learn by not being spoiled for one thing. So when they do get something, it's exciting. And also they learn by watching you too. Are you grateful for your life? Do you have a positive tone? Do you talk about life like good and bad, and then appreciate, try and look for the good? Like we often, my daughter and I often talk about this, my daughter, you know, Amy right here. Anyway, we often talk about this. No matter what goes on in our life, we're always digging deep, panning for gold, trying to find the positive. Okay, well today's bad, but tomorrow should be better. I mean, if that's all we've got, that's what we go for. We're always digging for the positive stuff. So maybe he doesn't see you do that enough. I don't know. Could be a multitude of things. Yeah, that personally helps me a lot. And I can just say things that I've brought into my adult life, because I'm sure that's a part of like people want to hear my experience too, is that has helped me quite a bit. Yeah, both my kids are really hard workers and they're not complainers. And I like to think that, you know, we had something to do with that, nurture versus nature. I think that both of those things are maybe lean more into nurturing, you know, good work ethic and not whiners or complainers. So yeah, maybe that's nurture. I don't know, maybe. I like to think it is, but what do you think? I think it's a bit of both. I do think that some people have in general, just maybe like a little bit more of like a cheery demeanor, a more positive outlook. Well, my mother was born with that. She was a joy-seeking missile and she grew up during the depression with a mom who had some mental health issues and the dad had died young. And she had two sisters. They had no central heat. They lived in Winnipeg, which Manitoba, which is freezing. And they just had a little wood fireplace. Three young girls slept in a single bed together. And if they dared to complain, the mother would say, do you know how lucky you are to have me? My mom said, we believed her. We thought we were lucky. They were fed, my mom was fed cream at school because she was so skinny. They didn't have enough food. They had one can of spaghetti for four of them. And the mother kept telling them how lucky they were. That was just their way. So none of them were complainers. It was interesting. And they were brought up with nothing. And yet they were all really, really good sense of humor and not complainers at all. It was interesting. Okay, the next one is Lexis from Japan. My almost four-year-old throws things, acts out whenever I talk to another adult. His dad, another mom, the doctor, everyone. I understand this reflects on me and I'm working on becoming a leader, but this specific situation, how would you handle it? I'm sorry, was he three? Almost four. Almost four or three. Okay, oh, that's why I got mixed up there. Okay, I would say, you can say to him, okay, from now on, if I'm talking to someone, no, I'm assuming he gets enough attention anyway, right? So he doesn't need this extra attention just when you're talking to someone. I would say to him, he's old enough. I would say, you know what? I don't want you interrupting me anymore because that's rude, okay? So what I'm gonna do is when you interrupt me, I'm gonna touch my nose, put my finger to my nose, and that means that you're interrupting me. If you keep interrupting, when we get home or later on, there'll be a consequence. You can literally put it on a behavior board if you want. No interrupting when I'm talking to someone else or whatever, you think about how you're gonna word that. But yeah, and you can put it on a behavior board because he's really little, so I'd probably put that on a behavior board. If he was older, I just, I wouldn't bother with that. But yeah, put it on a behavior board, no interrupting, and that means, you know, when you and your husband or whatever partner are talking, that might be different. But anyway, when you're out, say, you word it however you want, and then you touch your nose to remind him because they don't always know they're doing it because it's such a habit. So touch your nose, and then if he keeps interrupting, then you say, we'll talk about this later. And there's nothing you can do in the moment. The lessons come from the consequences that you do later on. Everyone wants to know how do you fix it in the moment. You don't, you're investing in tomorrow, okay? Okay, the next one is Agnes from Norway. I have a four-year-old girl who's extremely stubborn and strong-willed. It feels like she has tantrums and is in a bad mood more than she is happy. Everything's a fight with her from picking out what to wear for kindergarten and what to have for breakfast. If her jacket is tight enough around her arms, et cetera. It's exhausting, and I don't know how to approach her anymore. If we give her a warning about no screen time example, if she doesn't get dressed, she just says she doesn't care. We are pretty lost and have not experienced the stubbornness with her siblings. Please, I need some advice on how to handle her in the best way. Okay, well, there's a couple different ways I could go about this. If it's just a school morning thing, you could do a school morning routine. And I don't put that on the board. The school morning routine goes something like, let me see, she's four. She's a bit young for this one. Oh, we'll go through it anyway. So school morning routine, there's only two things that I use the incentive with. One is potty training and one is school morning. The incentive is if you're already, by a certain time, you get 10 minutes on a screen. And if you're not ready, you don't get any time on a screen, whatever. So let's say she gets up, she has to get up at seven. She has to be, you're gonna be facilitating this, helping her with this, supporting her with this, because she is really little. So between seven and seven 45, let's say you have to leave at eight. Seven and seven 45, if she's done the list of everything she needs to do, brush her teeth, eat breakfast, whatever, have a, have, draw pictures, because she's not reading it, draw pictures, put it up in the kitchen, the bathroom, and in her bedroom, everything that needs to be done in the morning, school morning routine. And then if she's ready by seven 45, have a timer going, and you can do the countdown, letting her know how soon the timer's gonna go off. If she's ready by seven 45, she gets 10 minutes of screen time. Then you turn it off after 10 minutes, no matter what's going on. If she fights and kicks and screams, the next day she only gets five minutes. If you take it away completely the next day, you got no leverage. So give that a go. It works actually really well. That's my first method of attack with that. There's other things you can do, but that's, I would start with that. Kind of a positive way of dealing with it. So it's up to her if she wants screen time in the morning. Is it that bad that they get 10 minutes of screen time? You know, I don't think so. If you don't wanna do that, you can give her 10 minutes of, maybe you play a game with her for 10 minutes, I don't know. I think you've had questions in the past. Does that mean that you're bribing your kids? That's not bribery and that it's incentive. Bribery is when they're doing something naughty and you bribe them with something to stop bad behavior. This is bribing them with something to get to, now, okay, the reason I say I only do this with potty training and school morning routine, sometimes mornings are difficult. It's all like, potty training is a bodily function. So it's not a behavior. And school morning often is sort of in the bodily, you know, they're just waking up. They might be kind of tired. So I like to use incentive. It is a form of bribery, but real negative bribery is when they're doing something naughty and you say, if you stop hitting your brother, I'll give you a candy, that's negative bribery. This is more, well, it's up to you if you're already, then you can do something good, you know? So yeah, it is sort of bribery, but not in a negative way. I get where people are coming from. It's the only two things I do that with is school morning routine and potty training. Okay, the next one is Maddie from the United States. I just got an email from Al Daycare that said my 15 month old son is pushing other kids and climbing on top when he takes a toy that he wants. For listening from your podcast, I know that until he's 16 months, it's just a quick redirection. Is there anything else I can do with the daycare? I'm worried my son may be labeled as a bully. Well, okay, he's only 15 months, he's still a baby. So yeah, you can't do anything because it has to be done right in the moment. You can't teach him any lessons at home that he's gonna take when he's there, unless you guys wrestle with him and let him climb all over you. Sometimes parents don't realize that they're causing this because if let's say dad's rolling around the floor with him, he's climbing all over him, you know, he's sort of teasing him with the ball. Here it is, it's on that side. That's what you're training him to do that. So think about it. Would it be okay if he did that with a little kid? You know, another baby, no. Okay, so think about that. But also it has to be done in the moment. And if, I find that interesting that daycare would tell you about that as if you're gonna be able to fix it. I'm not gonna criticize them for that, but you know, there's nothing you can do about it if you're not there, unless you are encouraging it by wrestling with him and being physical. I never recommend wrestling with your kids, I never did it because they don't know the difference, wrestling with you and wrestling and potentially fighting with a kid. They get used to being physically aggressive, even though it's play. You know, I just never wrestled with my kids. Now, the exception is I get a lot of clients who that's how the dad connects with the kids. He comes home and wrestles with them. I'm not gonna take that away from them, but generally I don't recommend it. Okay, the next one is Courtney from Australia. 11 month old boy, bad temperament, gets angry quickly, screams and throws, things, et cetera. How do I change this? You don't really, you just redirect. I mean, if he's getting upset, you just use redirection. You say, oh, what's this over here? You know, I usually, yeah, he's still a baby, just use redirection. Oh, there was, I was at this thing the other day with my granddaughter, she's just two. And there was a little kid who was kind of getting upset because things weren't going his way. And the mother was great. She just said, oh, what's this over here? And he forgot all about it. So yeah, redirection. Yep, can't teach them really, a lot of lessons at that age. They're just learning right from wrong, but they don't, yeah, you can't teach them really, can't discipline a baby really. Just redirect. We have one final question. So Robin from the United States, my two year old tests boundaries hardcore and does not care when the fun is removed. Remove chair when she stands on it, doesn't care. Remove crown when she colors on the table on purpose, doesn't care. Last resort I've tried is timeouts. That's a joke. She put herself in timeout and laughs. Redirecting doesn't work. What's next? I don't know, consistent corrective actions. Don't use timeout, I can't stand it. Anyway, consistent corrective actions when you remove them from the fun and the fun from them. You just haven't found something she likes enough. I would introduce something really fun into the mix so that she would miss it. I would invent some leverage. I'd go out and buy leverage. I'd find something that she really would not want to give up. That's what I would do. What would be an example? It doesn't have to be anything expensive. It can just be something, maybe she likes noisy stuff or stuff that makes us, you know, like some musical instrument, like just a little flute, you know, one of those things that you buy. It could be something like that that she really likes or those make sure it's safe, something that's, you know, child safe, but something that makes noise if she is a super active kid. They usually like that. Might be really annoying for you though, but just something different that she hasn't seen before and then use that as leverage. Okay, that was it for the questions. Okay, nurture versus nature. It is more of an opinion, I would say, and but I'm just basing my opinion on like 50 plus years of experience with kids. Okay, I've seen, I've always been amazed at how quickly I could get respect from any troubled kid, teenager, whatever. So is that where they born disrespecting everybody or is it the, can you nurture them into respecting? You know, I still think that a lot of it is nurture. And even if it isn't, wouldn't you rather parent that way anyway, would you rather just throw your hands up and say, oh, well, nature, nothing I can do. Don't blame the kid. Always blame yourself. Always take full responsibility for how your kids are acting past the age of three. When they're really little, like babies in that, it's not much you can do at that stage. They're just forming. They're just gonna test stuff out. But past the age of three, that's on you. Their leadership really kicks in at three. So yeah, just take on the responsibility. See it all as nurture so that you feel you can change something if you need to. Otherwise you just, you can just go nature, nothing I can do, nature, nothing I can do. It's almost like a scapegoat. So yeah, I wouldn't use that. I would always blame myself. If my kids were doing something I didn't like, I would always blame myself. Even if I thought it might be nature, I would still blame myself and try and fix it. Okay, I think that's a great place to end. Okay, thanks so much for joining us. I know it's kind of a controversial one and I'm sure a lot of people will disagree with me and there's nothing wrong with that because nobody really knows about this one. We're all just guessing and doing our best here. Thanks so much for joining us. Happy parenting. Thanks for tuning in. If you're ready to dive deeper, check out bratbusters.com to learn more about the behavior board, parenting courses, and private 101 coaching with Lisa. If you've enjoyed the show so far, we'd love it if you could take a moment to follow, rate and review us on your favorite podcast platform. Your feedback helps us reach more parents the information provided in this podcast is for general informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional advice. Lisa is a parenting coach, mom and grandmother. She is not a licensed psychologist or counselor. Her services do not replace the care of psychologists or other healthcare professionals. For a full disclaimer, please visit bratbusters.com forward slash disclaimer.