Surf Ninjas LIVE! w/ Nicole Byer, Rob Huebel, & Gil Ozeri (HDTGM Matinee)

It's the story of death, murder, torture, and revenge. For kids. We saw surf ninjas, so you know what that means. Go now it's time for the Dreaming! How did Swanson A get grown baby in his belly like a rhinestone vest while whipping just in the Kelly or maybe see a burlesque show with Nick Crow and take a boat with sweet to hitting cruise control J-Man, Big Paul and the beautiful June gonna take you from the groove all the way to the room Branded games and street fight it helps to blow off steam just to suck a punch to our life with Timothy Green Shocked, knitted, the bird, damn it, how we staying alive they call it in the badass and he's on the line cranking 88 minutes cause they cool his eyes cause the bad Jim Varni looking kind and nice Paul and June getting literal, Jason is getting laid June is making sure all the monkey shots getting paid they judge a bunch of movies while they making the grade here's a real question for you how did this get made Hello people of Earth That's a good little and hello people of Largo We are live at Largo at the Carnet, our LA home where they have amazing shows, remember in LA come check us out or come see amazing shows here Tonight is a very important night Tonight is a night where we talk about a movie of substance We talk about a movie that examines things that Hollywood is always afraid to examine Surfing ninjas and we are joined tonight by some of our favorite past guests serving as my co-host for the absent June and Jason I want to introduce you to them right now Please welcome Oh my gosh, you ready for this From episode 11, the tourist Who was that right? Who you know? He is a hilarious writer and actor He wrote for Happy Endings You can see him all the time on Snapchat being hilariously funny He is also a lot on Comedy Bang Bang Please welcome Gillow Zerry There he is Welcome Gill Did you... now We were talking about this Did you see Surf Ninjas in the theater? I didn't see it in the theater now Okay, so it's a home video rental for you? Yes, it was, blockbuster It has... this is the first time I saw this movie But it does have the most kid-catching cover box It is like kids are surfing, Leslie Nielsen is on the surf Mid-surf, it's a shot mid-surf They're in the middle of the barrel Yeah, yeah And what would you say of like, would you say that surfing is really good in this? Like photographically done? Like really well captured? Oh absolutely not No For a movie that calls itself Surf Ninjas I would say it's probably the shittiest I mean there's maybe 50 seconds of surfing in the entire movie There's a lot of ninja-ing Not a lot of surfing From episode 132, Bloodsport She is a star of Loosely Exactly Nicole You can find that online right now She performs at UCB, you saw her in Mike and Dave Neve's wedding dates Please welcome Nicole Beyer Welcome Nicole Wow Did you ever know of Surf Ninjas before I put the DVD in your mailbox? No I never heard of it before in my life And it really delivered You felt like the ratio of surfing and ninja-ing to you was okay? Well, no I mean if we're gonna get real, you said it was like 30 seconds of surfing Yeah, like Rob Schneider never got on the surfboard And you're the white man in the movie, what are you here for? A lot of people... There's a lot of odd surfing choices in this movie I mean, well, we'll get into it all Rob Schneider, I really... I feel like we could spend a whole episode only talking about that character I'm excited Our final guest co-host tonight He was in episode 6, Battlefield Earth Episode 98, LOL with Miley Cyrus He is in transparent in the upcoming movie Baywatch And is doing a show with me called Drive Share, which is on Verizon Go 90 Please welcome Rob Hubel Welcome, Rob Thank you This is, I have to say, I'm so excited that you're all here to talk about this movie I've saved surf ninjas for the right occasion And I can't think of a better threesome to watch this with Because we're kind of like the surf ninjas The three of us specifically? The three of you, when I could pick my favorite people Because I feel like, you know, we're kind of like the surf ninjas We go surfing once a week together We also do moto surfing Moto surfing Yeah, right, so... Did you already, you asked how many people have seen the movie? A lot of people, yeah Wild And I say to all of you, Quonsu Quonsu I actually, I haven't seen the movie, I read the book So that's not in the book, so I don't... Well, yeah, the book definitely does deviate a lot It's a lot different I gotta say, right off the bat, just generally For a children's movie, it's very dark Like, if you just took out all the themes Like, I know you're joking about it at the top But it's like murder and revenge And houses are being burned down And parents are being kidnapped Meanwhile, the main plot is children trying to be... People are trying to kill children It's a lot for like a PG movie That's not your go-to theme for kids' movies It's like kids trying to almost get murdered Yeah By the way, the house that gets burned down Gets exploded so nonchalantly Yeah We'll get into that maybe Yeah, I mean, yeah, there's so much... It's like, oh, I turned on the gas to blow up your fucking house Now you have no choice but to come with me And did they have like neighbors? Like, so many people must have died And they just walked away Yeah, that was not a small explosion That was cute That house fucking... That was like a lethal weapon to explosion I was saying to Gil, like, I don't think this is an inexpensive movie This was a... I think they go to Thailand Oh, yeah, Thailand I went to the Wikipedia page and they go to Thailand The budget is not there because I think they were embarrassed Yeah, no one paid for the budget They spent this much and didn't make any money Like, I was trying to figure out where those huge stairs were in LA Where is that? Oh, I loved those stairs Every time you fell down, I laughed out loud I laughed so hard But I mean, we got... They tripled down on that joke They were like, he threw him... We gotta use these stairs I mean, look at these stairs I mean, there's more than 15 We gotta use them three times Just to pull it back, obviously, you know, it's a seminal moment in film When Ernie Ray's... Junior and senior get to work together And they get to see father and son Can you give me a little backstory? Well, Ernie Ray's junior, to me, anyway, growing up was the coolest Because he was in all the karate movies Sidekick and like, you know, he... And what else? I don't know Any movie that was karate Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2, he was in, yeah Yeah, was he in any other surfing movies? No, he's more... So he's not really surfing in this movie No, he's more of the... He's standing there on like... Apple boxes as the camera pans past him In a parking lot, right? You would think they could pay for at least one surf class For a movie called Surf Ninjas Probably Like James Lagan Let's get him on the board and we'll get one shot of them Wait, is Eddie Rye's junior the oldest brother? Ernie, yeah, Ernie Ray's junior is the old brother And his dad is the one with the eye patch Can I just say, I'm so mad that they made me watch Almost an hour of that movie before he took his shirt off And was hiding all of those muscles I was like, damn! I literally rewound it to be like, he's fifth team? Oh, oh, oh, oh, it's sit on his face Over and over and over again, he looks so good I will say that when he did take off his shirt It was shocking Yes, it was Yeah, yeah, he hit like, yeah I got slightly hard Yes See, maybe I'm just not sexual I was just angry that he didn't fight for the first hour Why isn't he fighting? That was me, but I guess, you know, he was pretty hot My, well, I think we have to talk about the trio of the film Obviously, it's Ernie Ray's junior He has his brother Adam, right? Yeah, this is Adam And then their other friend He was 32 years old Fucking... He's so old from that book Rob Schneider Rob Schneider And I looked and I said to myself, well, clearly this is before he got SNL No! It was before his last year on SNL He was on SNL from 89 to 94 This was in 93 He's supposed to be playing a 15 year old going on 16 And he literally looks like a dying cancer patient In the first shot, he has like this like weird hat on And he's like, he has a receding hairline He looks so fucking and his hair is dyed like such a shit pink Such a weird orange Yeah, it's like a Trumpy Yeah, it's like the color of like, you know, when you see like nuggets being made Like that pink sludge, that's the color of his hair And I feel like they say, like, I feel like someone said, are we nervous that we have a man A 40 year old man with these children They're like, we'll dye his hair, those fuckers won't know Like, they were like, we'll young him up, we'll young him up And they gave him those sideburns that go straight up the forehead Like, why not just make him the short order cook at the dad's restaurant That like, pals around with the kids Because it makes more sense logically that his only bit is to think that he's the prince or whatever Yeah Literally that's his only game in the whole And it's like, are you stupid? Did you hit your head? But he didn't, because he never surfed It is, and the way, oh my god By the way, it was cool when they were surfing and they surfed into the bad guy with the spear gun Oh yeah, and then he washes up on shore, then immediately goes away By the way, that shot, I thought to myself, because there's a shot where he washes up on shore And in that shot, there's a little kid and a dog and a dead guy And I thought, that shot took like two weeks To get that fucking dog and that fucking kid and that dead guy to wash And he washes, he washes on the shore and then he goes away Right back But then the dog goes after him, did the dog have a feast? What is that dog doing? By the way, let's talk about how shitty the ninjas are that are sent to dispatch our surf ninjas They, first of all, they attack in broad daylight and in blue outfits They are the most aggressive, they're like Every leaf is about stealth Yeah, but all of the, one of the worst parts of this movie, I would say, is the camouflage Like there's a shot of a jeep at one point that's like camouflage That you can tell they painted like three minutes before they said action It's like a guy just like spray painted some blue And it's just like, and their outfits are, yeah, it's totally I was baffled by why they just never took action They would stand, they would do these moves in front of like Rob Schneider for literally 15 seconds And then he would like hit them with a plate or they would have like guns And just never fucking fire them Fucking do something Well, I feel like everything about them is wrong, like they travel around in an empty garbage truck But there's only two ninjas in the back of the garbage truck So the garbage truck comes in and then like, the door opens and two ninjas drop out Like, just get a compact car, guys Fucking drive a Kia around, you'll be fine You'll be less noticeable than driving a giant truck Like, they were bad ninjas They attack in the middle of a classroom And nobody noticed Nobody, that classroom was filled with kids Nobody I don't like these ninjas I felt like we saw the beginning of Ghost Riding the Web here Because Moto Surfing is, now Moto Surfing, these kids love surfing obviously But they really love to surf in their jeep Yeah But it's very dangerous what they're doing There's a scene right after this where the cop has pulled over some other kids that were Moto Surfing And they lie about it, but then he pulls out the paddle So he's like, you know, I busted you, like that's the thing? The paddle is the giveaway? I don't get what paddling has to do with surfing Why do they need paddles for fucking... It's not like Moto Paddle Board, yeah But it's also like, that's the thing in Santa Monica We love to surf so much that when we drive half a mile from one location to the other We have to mind the act of what we're gonna do, yeah We gotta be surfing at all times Some form of surfing We gotta get warmed up So obviously, if you're just joining us These two children are being hunted down by ninjas We don't know why How old is the older child? He's 15, he's about to be 16 But in real life, he's... Oh, he's probably 29 Yeah That's a man, right? Yeah, that's a definite man He takes off that... All man He says something that's so kind of great, like in the beginning They go into school here and in like... Oh, that's the thing, he's always like saying I'm real smooth, I'm real smooth He's not smooth No And he doesn't even say, like, I wrote down one of the lines All of their surf talk sounds like a 45-year-old white guy Wrote that surf talk You know, it's all like, hang loose, cool bro Bro, they use that, they use... I wrote down, they use the word, the joke psych, three times Oh my God Which is a great joke It's a great joke It's a comedy roll of threes Well, he says when he's going to school, he goes Yeah, I promised that I would perform a native ethnic dance He doesn't label, like, you would never say a native ethnic dance You would say like, a Pansu dance, a, you know, Taiwanese dance You wouldn't say a native ethnic You wouldn't just like, leave that Like, that's not like a catch-all I thought that was an odd choice It didn't narrow it down And then also when he was like giving an example of his joke He's like, you gotta be smooth Like when your teacher asks you where Spain is, go It could be anywhere That's not a joke Like, you had a chance to write this movie, you could have... It wasn't improvised, you could have gone back and like Well, yeah, let's like be like, I think it's where it rains on the plains And I just made that up now And I think it's slightly better than it could be anywhere They're not good in school, they're not good in school Because they care about surfing and ninjaing Well, they don't care about ninjaing Well, they're about to They're about to But like, the native ethnic dance, when that teacher like doubles down And is like, we picked an ethnic kid, an Asian kid Did you an Asian-inspired dance? I was like, whoa, no! You can't do that white friend in this movie, no! Oh, it was wild And then the dance, and the dance they choose to do You know, so they're seeing like... Oh, so why is this man at a school? Yeah, why is he making a visit? What is he gonna be doing? That's Wu, by the way From Deadwood Oh, okay Fucking Wu Yeah, like his country sent him over to America to visit elementary schools I have no reason, this school does not look like a fancy school at all No, it's a public school Yeah, he came to Santa Monica Santa Monica Public School That's where Bob-A-Rum came from Came to And again, it's a movie made in 1993 So all the cool kids are singing this song A nation-American student has been persuaded to volunteer And prepare a welcoming presentation That's the part I would play in the movie Which, in the short, is in the traditional ethnic style Oh, that's it In the traditional ethnic style In the traditional ethnic style You know, ethnic Ethnic! That's crazy Like no one flagged that on any level Well, I guess it was so they didn't have to, like, pick an Asian place Because they picked a fake one But he's from Pansu That's fake, I looked it up on Wikipedia Wait a second, now my mind is like, so there's no left No, there isn't No, it's like made up, I guess, that people are too scared of China or Taiwan Or like, Korea or anything I did look this up also The island was made up by Joseph Conrad, actually In a book called Lord Jim And essentially, the guy, this island, Patusan, I think it was called Is the same island that Eddie Reyes Jr. is from in Sidekicks Wow And the guy who wrote this movie wrote the pilot for Sidekicks So he keeps putting this island into every fucking movie he writes And let me tell you something, that was all planted for this moment right now Right now No one has ever, now that guy's just like, oh Yeah, you can stand up, sir, you can stand up By the way, you would think that the guy who wrote this movie Like went on to write, like, other famous kid movies Nope Passenger 57, Wyatt Earp, Murder in the First, and The Hurricane What? These are like fucking serious big deal, like, movies Wait, what's that Yerpa movie? Wyatt Earp He went in the right direction Like a Western with Kevin, it's like a less interesting tombstone With Kevin Costner Okay Any, that's how they describe it in the trailer by the way Alright, so here's the ethnic song Great lighting, this kid This is 1993 And the auditorium is, auditorium is really into Babarra Like that's a 60's song By the way, that song, the fact, it's supposed to show that he doesn't care about school Has no effect on him He just keeps, nothing happens to him because he does that song I'm, I was fucking pissed Yeah, he doesn't get into much trouble No But I guess, because he never really goes back to school Like that day happens, and then his father's kidnapped, and then Oh, you mean Nick Nolte? Yeah, he was kidnapped Are we gonna talk about Tone Locke at all? It is there for the taking Tone Locke, Tone Locke usually makes great movies Always, he picks his projects very carefully This is odd I was confused why, who, what, what am I supposed to feel about Tone Locke? Am I, am I rooting for him? Like do I want another older man to be friends with these young boys? Well, it's odd because Tone Locke is a bad cop, right? I already know that from the get-go Like, he immediately tells the kids, like, your father's not kidnapped He just is into bad shit and hiding out Don't worry about it, he's a scumbag Your dad's a scumbag Anyway, good night kids Good night He's been driving around, he spent an all day with those kids Yeah, and he's like, ah, there's scumbag And then, he, well then he just, like, tags along? Yeah, just decides to go and then later is written like a sled Yeah, yeah Written? Is that a word I can say? He said he hasn't had a vacation in 17 months And so he decides to come along on this journey For the laughs, I think it was For the laughs, I need some laughs I need some laughs, you handcuffed me, but I'm here for the laughs Yeah And we're gonna go kill somebody, I can't wait for the laughs Yeah It's a mission to kill I'll explain it to my Sarge later Um, yeah, he, uh, okay, so then, well I guess the other thing too is Uh, we gotta talk about Leslie Nielsen Yes Oh boy, can we? Oh boy, I love that scene where they're fighting And then that elephant comes and stops on him And then he becomes half robot He's a veiled Darth Vader who at certain points is super goofy Right, and I appreciate that, like I was laughing at some of the Leslie Nielsen stuff But he's also running a full on torture chamber Where people are hanging in like prison balls Like cages, cages, they're being tortured, like legit tortured and brainwashed And he like also like hurts like he, like he, like, tortures people The tone of this movie has like bipolar disorder Some of the time it's like, it's trying to be scary as hell And other times it's like so goofy and he's like playing with the voicemail That bit made me laugh That bit made me laugh, I mean he runs up the stairs like I love that he was just like couldn't get wet, but his entire layer was filled with water There's water everywhere, what are you doing? There's also a good bit where he was like, just kill him, just kill him, then he's on call waiting to go Yeah, yeah, yeah Just kill him, just kill him That made me laugh, that laugh I laughed that laugh at that part too But then you see that goofy moment and then like it's followed by him gouging out someone's eye Like he literally vengouges out someone's eye So you're like, what, what, like it would be like if Darth Vader just like murders a bunch of people And then just starts doing physical comedy like slipping on his cape By the way, wait, I was watching this with my wife and she was, she happened to go on the IMD, IMDB message boards And it said that Leslie Nielsen during, in between takes was method and would not, would not break character And everyone was scared of him on set Was like, he was trying to scare them Wild! This is the movie he chose to go method on Surf ninjas Oh man I mean, a part I can sink my teeth into Where I can actually be, Daniel Day Lewis did I mean, he is the best part in the, I mean he is, definitely stands out as being a solid part of the movie This is Colonel Chee, I guess the other part about him too that I think is simple to kind of bring up is Why is he white? Like he shouldn't There's so many white people in this movie There's a lot of white people, yeah For no reason Like there is no, like I was like, oh is he like Tom Cruise's character in the last samurai is like, like he was an American who's now been like brought into But he's a leader of these people But there's no reason to be white There's no reason why they follow him, yeah It was sort of like Apocalypse Now a little bit, like I thought he Was like the Colonel Kirk I thought so, yeah But also he's the dad who takes them, he's also white Why is he white? Don't know Is it like a message about appropriation or something like that? If an elephant steps on your head, do you survive that? No Well only one side of his face got it Just one side? The sand protected the other side Oh the sand, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay Sand, like if, yeah, whenever an elephant steps on your face As long as there's some sand you're alright Wait, is that real? Oh Cause I was taking in that information I was like I'm gonna tell somebody that later If you ever see an elephant Just get your hands in the sand It's the same backstory for Phantom of the Opera It's exactly But now I would imagine if he stayed in character He'd be doing something very violent and then super goofy Like whoopee cushions and then slapping a kid in the face Why couldn't he answer the phone with that fucking Bluetooth That was attached to his head Yeah, he should have that Like what was that thing, that receptionist Do they tell us his backstory, like how he became the leader of this? No, they just show him attacking the town, that's what I'm saying And he attacks the town in traditional ethnic garb So he's not like, he's not coming in like as an American soldier or anything like that He's already, has this thing going on And we don't even know why he wants Pachasan It's just an island, doesn't seem to do any like It's not fair to drill down on these kids' movies But now Ernie Ray's Junior is being saved by his dad Who is his uncle, spoiler alert And then they bring him into like the Pachasan culture And they go to the Pachasan restaurant And he's introduced with someone going Don't try the chicken And they're like, oh, this is going to be like a really shitty restaurant Nope, no it's not Not at all Looks like an actually super professional restaurant Looks like a good place Very busy, nice show Every dish looks beautiful They even go into the kitchen and I was like, that's a really clean kitchen Everything is really well plated Like they're running it really well there And then they reveal to Ernie Ray's Junior That he's going to marry this beautiful girl She approaches in a veil And this is the most disturbing part of the movie to me Like I believe the first line was You know what they say about girls in a veil They wear a veil, do better bail Which is true, that's true Oh, dude better bail She doesn't show her face Then pick up the pace Like to hide from that I thought it was like, fuck her quickly No, no, no Well I guess it could go either way Either run away or fuck her so hard she's pretty I like, like, don't fuck her so you have to beg I wonder what she looks like, just beg, I'm done And then you're gone And now as I sit it out loud I realize that I misunderstood it I thought it was if they wear a veil Do, do better bail And I thought it was like an underage sex joke About being arrested for having underage sex Were you high when you watched this? I just, I just, I just, I just, I'd be around it twice I'd be like, what does that mean? Do better bail, do better bail Do better bail? Like he's going to get arrested for fucking her? And now I sit it out loud I didn't talk to myself when I watched it But then doesn't Schneider have a good one at the end of this? Yeah, what was his? His was like... It didn't rhyme, it was like a... Oh, that was his joke Yeah, it's like she's wearing a veil Yeah, better just go to bed Oh, I don't remember what it was It was something really stupid Is Rob Schneider here? If he is, I'll tell him this is bad Very bad What do you think is going on in Rob Schneider's mind To say yes to this movie? He's on SNL, arguably like a recognizable guy from SNL And I'm sure that there's only a couple months to shoot stuff Surf Ninjas comes across your desk I think he was like, we're going to Thailand? Fuck yeah Yes Is there a giant staircase there? Yes I love giant staircases It's so odd, it's so odd I feel like they sold him a wrong bill of goods on this movie I feel like he didn't know it was like children He didn't know... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a second You have a lot of like... You have a lot of faith in Rob Schneider's choices Is that what's going on here? You're surprised, Rob Schneider There were so many other vehicles that he could have jumped on Look, I mean, look, based on his body of work I'm like, why this one? But you've always picked quality So then they go to the restaurant And magic happens, right? Ernie Ray's Junior's never done karate before Oh yeah, then his leg starts wiggling Ooh, I love that little leg I love that you got into his body and his... I mean, he's a man, like possessed by Taekwondo But yet I'm also thinking... Adam, who has the Sega Genesis Which is so nicely built into the film So organically placed in the movie Oh, did I tell you that Sega financed the movie? Oh yeah, yeah, that's what happened And that the screenwriter had to write sequences That would be good in a video game and a movie Is that true? Simultaneously That explains a lot I wish I had known that prior to taking mushrooms and watching this Yeah Sega financed the movie And they began to develop the game at the same time And then the game was released before the film And I love that in the video game Leslie Nielsen's character is like, we're gonna send them to hell Like their father Like the character is cursing in the game The best part of that game gear thing that It predicted the future or whatever it is It was always like seconds before the thing happened Yeah, it was literally like looking at... It's basically an iPhone You're like looking at maps on your iPhone But you can see the car that's about to hit you It doesn't help you at all But it takes away some of the violence Because when you watch two cops get their throats slashed Which did happen in this children's movie On a video game screen, it's not as bad as seeing it in real life Like these two cops were fucking straight up Colombian necktied But you saw it on a little Sega game gear screen There was... What I liked about this movie too is at a certain point They definitely ran out of money because they're like You know, maybe in this sequence we'll do like Indiana Jones effect But we'll show the plane going over the map And the guy's like, great, how about we give you a little boat And you can do them And how about the boat that we put you on We do the same way we did the surfing Where you fucking stand in a parking lot And we'll just whip the camera around you Like that boat is not going anywhere That's my problem, I like real sailing I just thought of this Ernie Ray's Jr. looks possessed by Taekwondo But isn't... is Adam controlling him? Or is Adam just watching? Oh... Hold on, now none of this shit is funny Because... Because it seems like... I would say he would... Then why... I guess my question is Adam then just has this game gear that he just watches And does nothing with But it builds up to the point where he actually looks out in the real world at those trees And he sees them... Great graphics by the way He sees them become surfboards So he actually becomes a seer So he realizes his power But yet at the end of the movie He goes back to the game gear To start controlling it again He's like, ah, it was cool when I saw stuff But I'm gonna go back to the thing I'm most comfortable with The game gear There's a gun and a game gear on the ground He grabs the game gear I would grab the gun I would shoot the bad guy I wouldn't rest my laurels on Controlling a game gear version of the guy Because then he starts controlling the other guy Yeah, you're getting way too deep for me Yeah But I like for kids that for that moment When he looks at those trees And he sees surfboards There's like one kind of pops up And then like another one And then they probably figured like But there are gonna be some kids that are too dumb to get what we're doing So then the like surfboards like pop up closer and closer So like even the like kids that were like born yesterday are like Oh, okay, yeah, yeah, you can make a surfboard out of a tree Okay So then But then it cuts to a fucking expensive helicopter shot of like 40 dudes surfing No, no, not surfing paddling No paddling There was no fucking surfing in that movie But it was from a helicopter It was from a helicopter, yeah Yeah, it's expensive Well then But then how quickly did they chop down those trees? Like that's a, that would have been a month of work Maybe ethnic people work hard They did it for half the price And they did it twice the time Allegis can make Allegis can make There's also a joke Again, there's weird jokes in this Like where the kid falls in a hole and he goes I found Waldo And then like Tony look is like really? Wait, hold on What? Why? But then the, but then the joke is psych Again, isn't that? It was psych But it's also like Really? Yeah, it was psych But then the joke is psych And then like Really? It's a fictional character But like Well, because the 45 year old guy That wrote it Yeah, it was like What a reference What a kid is to know about I don't know Waldo Oh, fucking Waldo And we didn't talk about the The sequence that Drives the brother And the brothers to go Yeah Like the, when Lesney Ilson comes in And basically he murders Their parents Yeah And the uncle is telling them this story And they're rolling their fucking eyes Oh, yeah The whole, yeah, that drives the whole movie They're bored to tears They're leaning against that rock And they're like Like come on Fuck Your parents were fucking murdered We know Oh my god Shut up We know we killed our parents Our parents get murdered all the time We want to serve But I don't think at that moment They believed it They believed it, okay So they're like This is just a story Our dad's white But why didn't that guy And why was that guy ever in Patusan? It's wild That guy was in a cook in Patusan? Yeah, he's just chilling in a boat In that story So he's just there Oh, yeah, they said he was a sailor They said he was a sailor That worked for them But yeah But he was the same age Yeah, he was the same age Yeah, he was the same age But yeah But he was the same age Like maybe they just put like a clean shirt on him Yeah And so odd that He then comes to the states To open up a restaurant That of course is a serve Patusan food Just like burgers and shakes So he leaves his His cat Like his Shipping World behind him To open like a cool diner Yeah And then they also They didn't react to him To the dad Having a dot Like finding out that they were adopted Like yeah, I found out I was adopted last night And then they just move on from that subject Yeah, nothing really impacts people in this movie No, in this movie, no When they're like, that's your uncle They're like great, uncle And I'm like, what? No Well, there is a They take a swing at like A heartfelt scene on a couch At some point early on Where the younger brother says Like, hey bro He says I'm feeling something Like I'm feeling like Not so cowabunga Or whatever And the older brother goes like Everything's gonna be chill, dude You know, like, so they kinda were like They had that moment, yeah Trying to like, oh, maybe we should have him be sad But let's not have him be too sad Yeah, yeah I'll also argue that For the romance in this movie Because I watch these movies for the romance And I did not find there to be That much chemistry between No Those kisses were weird There's a couple kisses Those kisses were weird Yeah, if I were him I'm a bad kisser He's a bad kisser Don't put it on her, come on I felt like she was coming in Too aggressively And he had to like, kind of Monitor for that Like, she's coming in like hard And he's like Well, more importantly I was bummed out by the whole Female empowerment bullshit message At the end Where she's like I wanna marry who I wanna marry I was like, fuck, this is Trump's America You know, I was pissed Well, by the way Well, let's play that scene She like drops some feminism on him here I know I talked a lot about marrying you And being queen and everything I know, no problem As soon as we rescue my dad I'll tell him And then we can go on Johnny, listen Look All my life I've been doing everything that was expected Of a traditional Patu-sani girl And? And who do my parents think they are? Telling me who I'm gonna marry I mean, I'll decide who I'm gonna marry Not them Bullshit That is if I marry I mean, that was a really swell kiss and all But I just didn't want her to have feelings about the marriage thing He is confused Bad kiss Yeah, weird kiss We can still date, right? He's really into her Okay, so she was Dude, better, dude, better bail Are we sure he's 29? I don't know I think he's older But I think she was like I gotta play a little hard to get So he works a little bit So when he finally deep-dicks me, it's worth it Right, she doesn't want him to be assuming That that deep dick will come for free I buy that But cause she definitely Like is a little bit like Whatever she said To those That team of guys that Are going to And I don't think this is a terrible thing to assume Gang rape her Cause she says Well, I don't know if gang rape If you're the one saying Come here And we'll do this fun thing Yeah, she said And he goes, what did you say to them? And she goes, don't worry I'll tell you on our wedding night So I felt weird by it Because I felt like she was young And those guys were way older It was a This movie has a lot of hard themes Like if I brought my child to see this It'd be like How do we describe that scene? Okay I wrote down that it was interesting That playboys were in this movie Smoking in playboys Both in this movie Something you would never see in a children's movie Well, the smoking comes in When he's throwing the The unlit sticks of dynamite Is that what it is? Yeah But the smoking is like a hero It's like Rob Schneider's throwing Unlit sticks of dynamite Going like, I got one And then they're like, light it I don't have a lighter I don't have a lighter Somebody goes, here The guy with the eye patch is like I got one Cause I fucking smoke But then But then he also says You should always smoke kids No, he says I know I should quit So it was like a message To America to quit smoking Or save the world, your choice And then Rob Schneider looks into camera And he's like, I can't do anything about it What does he say? He's like, look who I'm talking to Or something like that Cause you should try the patch Yes He has an eye patch That must have been right when the patch came out It also felt like, honestly Why did the director at that point By the way Rob, you were saying That you should be the teacher in the thing That actually was the director Great guy Great guy But why did the director go at that point Like, yeah, now we've passed the point of it It's the patch joke Even the writer is like, we got it This is too broad We have to have him look at camera To cut the broadness a little bit And what child is going to go, I get that joke What about that clip of that little Like they do a parade, a really shitty parade They phone that fucking in They phone that in They were like, look guys, we're losing the light We got three minutes to shoot a pretty big parade scene What does the music sound like? We don't know We haven't bought it yet We don't know, it's going to be library music We should talk about the music in this movie also Oh my god The opening line of this movie is Turn that Van Halen down Not Van Halen It's not Van Halen It's not even close to the It's like the same It's the director's friend's band Yeah I watch this movie with the subtitles on And the lyrics are all like We're gonna win the baseball game tonight I also forgot about that line That he's gonna go back to the hood And nobody's gonna want to talk to him I was like, why? Because he's surfed? Yeah No, I think they're not gonna talk to him I think they're not gonna talk to him Because he eats his police key And shits it out every week That was my favorite part of the movie That was, I paused it Now I wrote that down I was like, I gotta remember that joke That's like a great Every Tuesday he eats his police key And then sips through his own shit And he eats it again And then the kid, the young kid Kind of grimaces there And he's like, why? Like he just came He just like unlocked the handcuffs He should have shit all over his hands All over Like what? Doesn't make any fucking sense I mean, you could also just keep the key in your pocket Yeah I'm gonna eat it And like a small, you know, the wallets Of the small little pockets Just put it in there But also is he timing his shits? Like Yeah, it takes him a week He eats his shit every Tuesday And doesn't shit for an entire week Then digs through it with his hands After he shits Just to open the handy Like the way that Rogue One bridges the gap Between, I guess, you know The revenge of the Sith and Star Wars I would like to see the bridging of the gap Of Tom Loeke hanging on that boat Sifting through his shit You're like, ugh Just him as a prisoner underneath the wall And it's wild that he's more concerned about Everyone in the hood Knows that he's served Then he like sifts through his own shit And by the way Your friends wouldn't talk to you Who's gonna tell the people in his neighborhood That he's served? I'm sure that the secret You could keep pretty quiet They're like No one's gonna All of his He says, my homies in the hood Like all of his homies like We don't care, man You fucking eat your shit That's why we don't hang out with you We don't care Because you fucking You're a cop now You're above us We hate you Oh, the other thing Oh, during that parade They then cut to that girl It looks like a clip out of a National Geographic thing Like this little girl playing with a doll In like a hut It's oddly like I was like, whoa Totally again, way off Like that seemed like a real homeless girl That felt like stock footage to me Where they were like Well, we need some more kids I don't know, Steve Just fucking buy something Throw it in there She looked legit homeless And they found like a starving child They're like, what's the great actress? I don't know Let's talk about this final fight scene And the only way I can talk about the final fight scene Is to say Leslie Nielsen's dick Did you guys catch how I felt like The end of the movie was Adam making Leslie Nielsen jerk off But Leslie Nielsen grabbed such a nice handful of that dick That I was like, what is going on here? The way you said that is so disrespectful to dead people, Paul He grabbed such a nice handful of that dick Let's see, like, here, I just want to, because I... Do you see how big that dick is? Like... It's a kids movie, it's not going to have a little dick And it almost appears like the dick is robotic too Because it's like... There's a big, beefy Leslie Nielsen dick there Are we sure? I thought that was... I see, I'm watching it, I thought... Okay I thought it was his balls, but if you can rely... That's what I thought, but you can see the dick And you can see the balls, look They're almost to the left, like to the left Like hour left There they are, there they are You can like see his urethra I want this to be my screensaver That is... Wow I wonder if he requested that, like, guys use the shot that makes my dick look huge Holy shit This was method also, by the way He really jerked his cock off Let's go to the audience here to see if you guys have anything that we might have missed Oh, we have a lot of questions so far A lot of questions so far Yes, let me go to first hand, I saw it, right? Sir, yes Alright, what's your name? And... And your best, Kwan-Soo I want to hear you really... Really approach this audience and give him a nice Kwan-Soo My name is Val and... Kwan-Soo, dudes! Excellent Kwan-Soo Question Okay, towards the beginning or towards the middle They show him sharpening what looks to be an electric knife Yeah, that's Leslie Nielsen's sharpening knife To cut off a guy's dick, right? Yeah, so what is up with that? Why is he sharpening it? It's a big whetstone He's sharpening... He's sharpening an electric knife Good point I just was more concerned about what he was going to do with that knife And go, this is a children's movie That's a good point, a fair point Let's see, let me go back here a little bit Alright, sir Your best Kwan-Soo and your question Kwan-Soo, dudes! Kwan-Soo How long before that gets old? I was concerned with the transportation of goods in this movie Transportation of goods But the dynamite that they have is bone dry Oh, yeah And then at the end, during the credits, when they have the band set and the electric guitars Did they bring those ahead of time in anticipation? Wait, wait, I love that you frame this as transportation of goods I have to get this into one big Venn diagram It's transportation of goods Well, no, I agree with you, the movie is pretty solid It's over that one point Everything else makes sense But the logistics of how goods get from point A to point B By the way, when Rob Schneider is throwing that dynamite And they're like, you idiot, you gotta light it That's a joke, but it's a bit of a funnier joke If he hadn't just effectively thrown the dynamite, knocked somebody out and killed a jeep full of people Like, he was doing just fine He was doing alright, yeah, he was doing good Maybe without murdering them, too Just like pushing them off the road The explosion actually just incinerated 24 human beings I'm looking at dueling notebooks here and I like them both What do you think? What do you think has the best notes? I'm gonna go with you, give a broken hand or something You're injured Alright, that's your question And say Kwan Tzu Of course, it's unspoken I'm sorry, I shit on Kwan Tzu Kwan Tzu, dudes Alright, Kwan Tzu I wanna hear it, guys, it's a big audience We gotta sell the Kwan Tzu By the way, do that anywhere else but in this room and you're not gonna get shit I had a big issue with the geography in this movie So... That's fine In the beginning of the movie, they say that Pachu-san is 13,000 miles away from LA But it's impossible to be 13,000 miles away from anywhere in the world So... But other than that, the movie makes sense Yeah, so... The circumference of the... Wait, wait, what if you're up in space? Well, so the circumference of the earth at the equator is 24,901 miles So the farthest that you can be from any two points is 12,450 miles Amazing That is amazing I love that the demographic for this podcast is like college professors Oh, you have another point? What, oh, you have another point? If it's as good as that one I would now really think about it because you just scored so high You're going back in, alright, let's see You're about to get laid, don't fuck it up They show the boat sailing from the United States to Pachu-san They show it sailing from the east coast But we're not on the east coast, we're in LA Wow, that's interesting too, that's right, it's good It is good, it wasn't as good as the first one though Let it be a lesson, you quit while you're ahead You, yes, come on, alright Let's hear your Kwan-Soo and then your question Okay, okay, thank you I'll hold the microphone Are we sure that there wasn't like a sequel that was coming And it was going to be like Rob Schneider's character was secretly the son of Leslie Nielsen's character Right in Right in and pitch this movie So he really is a king In a way Well, right, because Chi, Colonel, yeah, well Turn off the lights again, none of this is funny anymore Did you catch the innuendo when Rob Schneider was like, I got a wax my surfboard? I thought he was going to go masturbate I think, I thought it was the Oh, to Skip and Todd who walked by, he's like, hey Skip, hey Todd I thought the joke was that his board was so covered in wax that that's all he did Because the board was disgusting looking as if all he did is all day just wax it up with cum Yes, oh yeah, okay Hey, Ponsu, dudes Ponsu Wait, did he say Ponsu? He did say Ponsu Fuck, out of here Get out It was Kwan-Soo It was the best one that we've gotten but totally wrong Yes, sir Kwan-Soo, dudes Good, Kwan-Soo Troy, kidding, I want to go back to the little kid controlling things Because when they're in the restaurant, he gets a choice to choose a different animal And he chooses the octopus So it's like, oh, we're going to see that he's going to control an octopus Then he has to find the octopus and then shoves it in the guy's face Then he gets 500 points and I don't know what the points are for He seems excited about those points But you know what, I think the best way to kind of answer that question is talk to him Adam, are you here right now? The gentleman who played that What? Kwan-Soo Kwan-Soo Kwan-Soo Kwan-Soo Kwan-Soo What a perfect segue Come over here, come on over Let's talk, I'm sorry Welcome, thank you for coming Thank you for coming, tell me your name again, I'm sorry Nick Cowan Nick, welcome Nick Thank you Kwan-Soo Kwan-Soo, Nick Thank you for being a part of this We have a rare, alright, first of all Let's hear about it Where were you in your career when you got this movie? Was it like, was it the first thing for you? Let's walk through it a little bit It was probably the first and biggest thing I did some commercials and TV stuff Were you psyched to work with Ernie Ray's Junior? I mean, I'm asking that in an earnest way Absolutely, he was from the Ninja Turtles So you know, that's like a big deal when you're like 12 Yeah, 100% Anything now as you're an adult, you look back on it And you go, oh, that was suspect A lot of the stuff you brought up, I didn't even think about Until you started talking It was like, like Tom Loach shitting out his key Like week after week, it's pretty fucked up Now you have this benefit, which I think is the best part of it Is like, you have been in Surf Ninjas But if you walk into a CVS, people aren't going to be like Surf Ninjas, so that's a good thing That is a good thing No, they would be like Kwan-Soo And all that, like all the time I go into like Drossion's Drawers and yell Kwan-Soo And they break jokes around When do you drop that on a friend, a new friend, a girlfriend? Is it something that you lead with or is it one that you hold back Because I would imagine I would hold back and then like Watch them like, pfft, like you're dropping like a new friend Every time, yeah I used to like get to know people for a long time before And if they brought it up themselves, I'd be like, oh, I was in there Wait, did you bring it up? No, he did, I knew him for like a year and a half And my mind just exploded I was like, you've got to be kidding me, Kwan-Soo do I will say this though, like in my 20s I would kind of like use it on girls And by the way, you should and that was smart Alright, there, well obviously we've talked about a lot of things What was your knowledge of, obviously you were selling the Sega Game Gear Did you get a free Sega Game Gear out of it? Did, yeah It's completely broken, those things like Guys, don't get Sega Game Gear Did you know that the movie was, like as a kid Did you know that the movie was financed by Sega? No Okay But now, well did you understand what you were doing? Because obviously that was a question about, were you, like I had a question Were you controlling Ernie Ray's Junior? Were you, like what do you know of, what did you know, what In your actor's mind at that point, and we're talking about the 12 year old you What was your assumption of I thought I was controlling him, yeah Okay, good, yeah You were, and then you were almost controlling yourself when you selected Octopus Because then you picked up the Octopus, even though you are Yeah, that one's weird And who is controlling this? I'm gonna have to say that to you Listener, I'm pointing to Leslie Nielsen's dick, listener Was there talk of a Surf Ninjas 2, like on set, like was it, like was that the plan or is it just a one? Around the time of like Premiere and stuff, there was kind of like talk Bus I would have liked to have seen it We could have done a double feature tonight, yes What was that Leslie Nielsen like? Oh yeah, was he his character, do you think? I met him once, because we don't really share any screen time, so I approached him to take a photo And I think he thought I was probably just like an extra Wow Oh But did you hear from anyone else that he wasn't character, is that just something that I've never heard that, no, that was news to me if that's true But you did not have anything to do with the death of Leslie Nielsen No comment This is, well I'm so excited that you came here, do we have any other questions for Nick? Do you have anything you want to share that we haven't asked that you think we need? Yeah, well can I ask a question? Yeah Do you surf? Do you know how to surf? Are you a ninja? No and no No and no It wouldn't pay for you to surf, huh? I was afraid of the ocean Really? Did you even paddle board? Did you get the paddle board? We tried to do like a scene of us coasting in, I couldn't do it I'm like this big now and I was that big then So the ocean is a very scary thing By the way, you did a great job in the movie man, like I really thought you were great I have I literally, I think My quick judgment of it is I have nothing to say about anyone's performance The logic is weird, it's really, because they got by that you guys, you had a good relationship with brothers and stuff like that My question is this though, Tone Loak Tone Loak comes on set, is he, what's any memories, any Tone Loak memories? He was really hot there, it was Thailand, it was humid, like really nasty humid And in between takes he started singing a song about a mosquito being on his dick It was like That means his dick's out Just out I love it, give it up for Nick Thank you for this movie, thank you for coming, you're the best Holy shit, that was amazing So I don't think we could top Nick, I mean none of your questions can top that He was fucking there, he answered everything That is awesome, thank you so much for coming out Now, before we get into the end of the show here, I want to say how the movie ends Which is I think one of the best things, because they reprised one of the classic hit numbers from the movie And it goes something like this, so they save the day, everything is good And where is it from? There are a few background people here in this scene that did not know what the fuck was going on The background people never did, like even after Well this is Thailand, so I can imagine there's some, I mean we're still confused about the movie ourselves And we've been talking about it for two hours And we talked to someone who's in it So this is how it ends, you think, wow cool, they won, they saved the day Leslie Nielsen's dick got ripped off, gets a great kids movie and then It's my future queen and I go off to take our SATs Remember, we're all created equal, because I was born into royalty, I'm no different from you Put my face on a stamp, 50 cent piece, and let's call it a day That's a big ass He's like, you know, look, I don't want any accolades, just put my name on a stamp or whatever Giving the government back to the people, it's like Baron Trump So here we go So everyone's celebrating Look at the fucking elephant I wonder if they got a new elephant, or if that's the same one that's stomped on his face Oh my gosh Well, let's, obviously we had an opinion about this movie But there are people out there that had a different opinion It is now time for second opinions Tell me what is the message Maybe that art is subjective I need a second opinion That was John LeJoy with his second opinion song A beautiful second opinion song These are five star reviews called from Amazon.com For the film, Surf Ninjas This one we'll lead off with is from Written by someone calling themselves the Unknown Warrior The title of the review is awesome, and it goes like this One of the greatest Filipino movies in the universe The Surf Ninjas are not really ninjas, but Filipino warriors And the fictional country of Patusan is really the Philippines Of course Ernie Ray's Jr. and Robbie Schneider are Filipino The world will never understand the true power of the Filipino warrior We are like the air, and we are like the water We are present, but unnoticeable Five stars My favorite part of that is just Robbie Schneider This is written by Paul Jamison, and it goes like this I guess this would be classified as a delightful fantasy full of youthful vigor It's a pretty good guess Pretty specific guess I enjoyed it for what it was Escapism The main characters are young Handsome, that's to you Nick Virile Youths who defy convention Come out on top and save the world to boot All at the same time with a smile and a joke It is, of course, ridiculous But who cares? Five stars Oh my god, it sounds like Tony Bennett wrote that review Why are adults, why isn't this children like, I like applesauce Mimi Jay got a little confused in her five star review My son, now 34, loved the three ninjas So think how old this mom is She's at least 50 She wrote this July 16th My son, now 34, loved the three ninja movies growing up And now his son, three years old, and his daughter, ten years old, love it too Wait, the three year old has a ten year old daughter? Guys, you're missing the big part She thinks it's three ninjas Which is another movie A movie called Three Ninjas This is called Surf Ninjas The movies are good clean entertainment without any use of offensive language Not even any gray area, which is not found in many movies today I highly recommend it for kids of all ages I'm glad she didn't see this movie with the dick grab, rape scene, house explosions Throat slashing And then finally, this is by a man calling himself Dorito And it goes like this Buy it! It's simple Really, really simple Buy it! If you have never seen the movie, don't worry Buy it! You'll love it, I guarantee it Or you love nothing At least go to the video store and rent it Then, buy it! And if you're not gonna buy it, send me your money And I'll buy it for you and keep it for myself If you see or hear anyone with a negative of this movie It's really simple They're wrong Wrong, wrong, wrong! Five stars That was perfect When was that review written? By the way, Nick, in my research here It says Nicholas Cowan said that Leslie Nielsen was legitimately intimidating You've been misquoted, my friend When was that last review written? That last review was written after Tom Loach changed his name to Dorito I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm sorry It was written in 2003 We'll go down the ten years after the movie came out So we'll go down the line and I'll just ask So obviously, we're watching this film for this purpose There are some movies that we watch that are very good That are fun to watch, fun bad There are some that are not fun bad What would you say, Gail, is this a movie you would recommend the audience listening to watch this movie? Yes, it was fun and bad It was fun bad, fun first, bad second I agree with that, I recommend it as well, Nicole I would recommend fast forwarding it until he takes off his shirt And watching it from there Because truly, you get the whole story You're like, alright, surf ninjas, they're fighting a white man Let me ask you this, you don't have to answer it But because Ernie Ray's is of age now Yeah Could you have a fantasy of Ernie Ray's? Why do I have to have a fantasy? Why can't I just fuck him? I'll find him! Nick, where is he? I don't know Nicole will be available after the show, you can tell her where he is Rob? To be honest, Paul, I prefer the book Obviously, I know that, and if you do prefer the book You can definitely get the novel, surf ninjas, the novel Shut up! It's so fucking funny On Amazon, written by A.L. Singer Do you have that in case I said that? Are you controlling me with a second game gear underneath the tear here? It doesn't work great, but you can get it on Amazon for one cent used And they got 21 copies still left Click on the author's name, oh is that a name? I'd say that's just a screen print And there's one review, I'm dying to know what that review is Quiet! A.L. Singer And by the way, just so you can see, Nicole, this is Ernie Ray's now and then Yeah, he can still get it He's got it, and he'll keep it So, alright, so we all recommend it, except for Rob Who prefers the book Let's, obviously if you have an opinion, we'd love to hear from you You can call us at 619-Paul, P-A-U-L, ask, A-S-K, 619-Paul, ask And you can leave your own opinions about the movie, anything that we didn't cover If you're Ernie Ray's junior, if you're the director, you can call that number as well If you're Rob Schneider, please stop calling But let's talk about what you guys are up to Thank you guys for joining us on How This Get Made All Stars Rob, what do you got coming up? Do you want to tell people about? We're starting a new season of Transparent pretty soon In February And, yeah, I'd plug that And right now, when the audience is listening to this, Drive Share will be available on Go Ninth That's right, you and I did a TV show called Drive Share Both of these people are in that TV show Yes, they are, very funny in that show It's all, it's just funny people in Ubers, that's how it is, right? Yeah, it's funny Uber rides It's funny Uber rides 130 different Uber rides Yeah, we shot it in ten minutes Yeah Nicole, talk to us, what do you got? What isn't happening? No, I'm kidding, my life's really slow right now But you can watch Loosely Exactly Nicole on Hulu and MTV.com It's a super funny show Thank you, I think it's really funny, who knows if we'll get a second season? MTV's a mess I'll say that because it's true It's true, it started off, Rob and I did a show there, it was a mess back then Yeah, it's pretty messy We did a show paired with Three Six Mafia, you know they were great A real fun, real fun sitcom-y show with Three Six Mafia Followed by Human Giant Really, two great tastes that go great together Gil? I just wrote for a show called Big Mouth for Netflix, that's coming out soon, so look out for that Who's in that? What's that? Nicole, John Laney, and I don't know, my Snapchat I guess I think by the way, you should plug the Snapchat, it's one of the funniest things I've ever seen Thank you Take a follow you and what is it? Gillo Zerry, yeah This is his name, follow him, and legitimately the funniest thing you'll see and ridiculous production value There's a lot of production value, I don't get it how you do that It's awesome Gillo's my friend, I felt nervous to even ask him about certain things as I felt like I was fanning out about his Snapchat That's how impressive the things are, I'm like, wait how did you do that though? How did you get to LAX? You know, cause it's insane Yeah, it's amazing, he literally put himself in a suitcase in one of them and traveled from his house with his head out of a suitcase all the way to LAX And got super far into LAX Yeah, didn't you get put on the conveyor belt? Yeah, I got put on the conveyor belt Which is so fucking funny And everyone just acts like they're perfect Yeah, no, it was a TSA agent who put me on there Really? Yeah And that's why a man checked a gun and shot people in Florida, because they're doing your silly Snapchat Sorry You can follow us at HowDidThisGetMade on Twitter or just HDTGM And on Facebook, sign up for our mailing list A big thank you to Averill Halley who cuts all of these amazing clips, finds all of these great pieces Nate Kiley who does all of our research July Diaz up in the booth versus Zyte who pulls this whole thing together Leigh-Anne or Waldron who designed some of our cool cool stuff Everybody here at Largo, everybody here at Ear Wolf Thank you all, we'll see you next time Quanzoo! Quanzoo! HowDidThisGetMade?