The End Of Humanity | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

100 new episode of two bears one k tommy i had my first three one cave one cave what did i say one k god damn it three k's the uh i had my first threesome nice yes where was it uh in my bedroom what's his what are their names i didn't i didn't get their names oh it was on oculus oh fuck yeah yes let me tell you oh well i mean yeah it's hard to go back to one person i know dude i i didn't do enough of a deep dive my son got a vr headset i was like let me show you the best site it was awesome dude this this takes a part of your soul it's crazy it's in it's it's shit too right when you're like dude i was in a fysom so leanne went out of town and so i've I've never been able to use the Oculus. I'm afraid someone's going to walk into me like a blind person jacking off just in their room. And someone's like, he gets done and everyone just claps. And so Leanne goes out of town for two days. So I run over the bus. I grab the Oculus. I race home. I mean, I'm like charging them in the car. Yeah. Fucking throw them on. Yeah. One girl, just me and this chick. Yeah. And I was quick. I'm not, I was, I was, it was, it was good. And then I was like, I'm going to, I'm going to probably fuck her again. night yeah yeah yeah and so i i get later that night i'm like in bed and i'm like might as well no no no i started watching it was i think it was saturday and there was some football going on sunday and it's raining it's beautiful and then i go i should explore these oculus so i go and get this thing it's called brink and you can travel the world and i'm like oh cool but then i'm sitting at the corona arch in in in the mojave desert i'm going i should have someone sucking my dick while i'm here yeah for sure what am i having i mean why isn't someone sucking my dick yeah if it's there i want my dick sucked do you have do you do the dual screen where like you see the desert and then the blowjobs over here tommy yeah i was i this is how bad i got i got the screen where you can see reality i can see the screen i'm watching football and there's a chick fucking another chick in the corner of my house on the dog bed and i'm just sitting there going this is i know that this is the end of humanity it is the end of humanity we're definitely about to just it's all about to end um i and so then and then the fucking the devil's tongue was i get my first it was a twosome and then i was like you and another person no threesome threesome okay oh i got to seven people wow i got that i was a dj it was an airbnb and they didn't want to lose their deposit and they were like we have an extra day you should hang out with us yeah yeah yeah oh that's a good story dude it got those girls should be getting stock in the company because they're giving away a part of their soul forever yeah they're they are different than porn stars they're losing their humanity they this is really gonna help them this no i'm being serious if you are a vr girl i have some tips there's one girl yeah she gets on top of me she's got her two friends are working my nipples that's nice right she's on top of me a friend's making out with her another girl's playing with her tits and she she's got red hair and she looks at me and she goes look me in the eyes when you fuck me and i look up and i'm staring in her eyes tom and i'm and i and i said out loud is this real yeah so i had like i had like fucking about nine orgy i was texting you the whole time i just got done an orgy yeah this is crazy i mean by the last day leanne's got a flight home and I know I'm not going to race to get one more orgy. You got to get one more in. Dude, I'm in my room, murdered out, blacked out curtains. And they're whispering in your ear. The last one I get. It's a fivesome. Oh, no, it's a foursome. I'm a mental patient who's lost his memory and they're trying to jog my memory back. Oh, that always helps when you get your dick sucked. Yeah. Dude, I haven't done it in over a year and a half. I had it in the VR headset in my office. and the last time I did it I came as I walked into my desk and it hurt so bad that it traumatized me I haven't used it again this one girl said to me she goes I'm fucking this one chick and there's other chicks whispering in my ear and then I hear this girl go look at me and I look at me and she goes look at me you little pervert and I was like oh and i came right away i was like god i'm a pervert oh god nice and then uh and then leanne came in leanne came home great to see you yes so good to see you can't wait to go back to you hey let's do it in the dark i'm just gonna put my my uh sleep apnea mask on yeah and i had to tell her i had to tell her i go just you know i've been like nine orgies this weekend yeah she was like what i go oculus goggles she goes why would you even do that and I was like, no, I don't know. It's the best. They do this one. They do this one move. This is just for us Oculus insiders where they make you eat their pussy. I don't know how to say it. Everyone says unalived now, so I don't know what to say to not get flagged. Yeah. They make you do it. They get it right here where you're almost going like this. And it's right in your fucking – And it's like 8K. It's 8K. You got to see a dermatologist. This is not. I was like, where's Leanne's labia been? And then I did research. Do you know that women in menopause lose their labia? What? Really? I fucking found that out. How do they lose it? And it falls off, I guess. Just kind of drops off? They put it under a pillow and then they get a wish. That's pretty cool. No, but these young girls have crazy fucking labias. And I'm just like, well, that's a lot of labia, man. I'm 53. I need something a little more discreet. It was. But I kept thinking. So this is my thought. you know i've never understood and i don't mean this uh to attack anyone or anything but i've never never understood uh guys who leave shitty comments on like women's accounts that yeah like you're a whore you you hope hope your dad's proud fucking whore wear a brawl next time you skateboard and you're like what's going on i never understood that guy and then he's got a family yes and then his bio is like christ christ first believer yeah like yeah i love the girls that i love when women post the picture of the guy and his hateful comment. I never understood those guys. I never leave negative comments. I do leave comments, but they're always funny. I left one on Anthony Jeselnik's the other day, and I didn't even look at it because I know I'm going to get trashed. Anthony Jeselnik. It's like all the smart comics are doing book clubs. It's like the big thing these days. Really? Yeah. There's a bunch doing it? Two. John Mulaney and Anthony Jeselnik. Yeah. And so they do it. Mulaney is like 600 page books. And you're like, oh, okay. Yeah. He can really read. Yeah. Yeah. Imagine how much he could read on Coke. I bet he flew through those books. I bet those are all Coke books. Just, what's that, Lydia? I just learned about Australia. And so Jesselnik's book is called The Getaway. And he's like, Jesselnik's new thing is like, in my book club, i'm only doing a crew i'm doing a dress in the camera yeah in my book club i'm only doing books with great fucking endings so you gotta it's gonna be a great ending and the best ending i know the getaway and i go to the comments and it's like every smart fucking nerdy comic like pat oswald this was one of the best books i reread this three times over the summer and the ending is crazy and then it's another smart comic uh this is the best ending i've ever seen i can't i can't wait to hear people's thing and so i just wrote a comment hey can someone tell me how this book ends yeah and i'm no i'm getting just by kit people that don't dude that's the whole point of the book club bird you read the fucking book of course by the way i did buy the book uh are you reading it no no no no i got uh i got uh what was it uh rugrats uh you're reading Diary of a Wimpy Kids? I bought Diary of a Wimpy Kids the getaway on accident and it showed up and I was like this is not the one I ordered and I fucking posted it I sent it to Jesselnik I wasn't going to post it Jesselnik's reply was I'm amazed that you use Instagram to communicate with people I'm laughing hysterically you're communicating with me through Instagram versus like a text I don't have his number so I just DM'd him I have video. I don't know. Spade's the same way. Spade does. That's how Spade communicates. Spade leaves only since voice notes. Yeah, voice notes. He only sends voice notes. So I got Justin Luke's book. I'm going to read it. I always like those guys that are smart and read. But here's the point. Here's the point. Here's the point. I never leave comments, Tommy. I never leave comments. Okay. Negative comments. I just don't do it. There's things I don't like. But you don't comment on that. I would never comment. I just, like, I'm not a big fan of the WNBA, but I'm not in their fucking comment section. like this is what is fucking wrong with america yeah yeah one week alone with oculus and i thought i'm gonna light some bitches up online light them up it's it's loneliness it's loneliness not being attached to a real world yeah and you know what else it is dude it's it's that you have a place to put it now see like before you know all this shit existed you didn't have the outlet this is the outlet the outlet is you can go to someone's page and be like fuck you yeah that didn't exist before you had to write a letter and put a stamp on it like that's not a thing anymore so it is it's a place to go if you're a dude and probably not in great shape right dandruff black shirt shows up everywhere not thriving not thriving uh not not i you know and i i'm i really kind of one weekend alone i was by myself the whole weekend no one even no one even called me tom you're the only person i texted no one called me i didn't get any texts on sunday night leanne had sandy and tom our friends reach out going hey you haven't talked to anyone all weekend would you like to come over for dinner and i was like i got oculus here i got fucking seven bitches waiting in my room yeah the fuck am i gonna hang out with you guys for you got a little taste of it i got a taste of what it's like to be i guess what they'd say is like an i don't want to say incel but you A lonely dude who's just living online and having that be your expression. Especially if you don't drink and maybe you smoke weed, there's no reason to go out. I don't mean this like, I'm not trying to be deep. But really, at the end of that week, I understood those dudes who leave negative comments. Because I was like, yeah, I get it. I get it. You didn't have something. You're not going to get noticed if you say something nice. You're right. You're right. You're not going to get noticed if you're like, dude, your special was great. Or Bert, your new series is awesome. But if you're like, Bert, that was the best. I don't read comments, but I got the little girl that plays Isla in my show. Her mom texted me. She goes, I hope you're okay with this, but Leeloo's lighting people up in your comments. And I was like, what? And she screen grabbed. and it was you know it's the trailer to free bert uh-huh yeah yeah and some dudes like this dude fell off yeah yeah and then lilu who's fucking 10 wrote off your mom she's just lighting these dudes up and then these dudes are coming after her not knowing she's 10 and you're like i go hey just do i don't care but i don't want her i don't want her to she this isn't it's not good she doesn't stand up for me yeah that's really it's really adorable though but i understand that guy that goes he gets more attention and now he's in a fight and now he's got a communication and now he's got something to do that day i'm not defending the guys who leave negative comments but i'm understanding it after that weekend alone is like you're sitting there with with with little to nothing to do and you throw a hateful thing out and then someone's like fuck you and now you're talking yeah you got you got it to work no one in the world wanted to talk to you yeah and now someone wants to talk to you and it's a fight and it reinforces that like if i say the hateful thing that's how i get someone to talk to me and if you reply or i reply yeah that's i mean that's a fucking home run that's like shut up i got no fucking celebrity's head yeah yeah that's the reason i don't read comments is is one day one guy got in my head and and i and this guy who i don't know kind of fucked my day up and i was like why would i let that happen why would i ever allow my day to get fucked up but then i understood that guy's not he doesn't hate me he's not you know he just needs someone to talk to yeah he's lonely dude yeah yeah it was really i'll tell you what oculus changed my life now they're they're so greasy draft king sportsbook an official sports betting partner of the nfl makes every playoff moment feel bigger the nfl playoffs are finally here and things are heating up whether you're riding with your team every week or basing who you root for off of vibes having some skin in the game makes every play matter. 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No, they're not. they're just they're they're just lobbying for more violent games they're like listen okay i know we're kids but these are games like why can't we just do gta 5 and i'm like just no and they're like no you can't you know why there's this room i went to i went to this room i was on oculus the whole fucking weekend yeah i went to this room i was like what's this and it's like a spaceship and you're in space and you're like this and i see this dude run across this like going jogging and i go who the fuck is this guy and then all of a sudden this guy comes up and goes hi what's your name and i look over and it's a dude right in my ear i went what and then it goes enable microphone and i was like no no i was like you could get these fucking rooms yeah yeah yeah we got to get them away for your boys your boys we so just for everyone they're doing they're they have a they don't have like the oculus they have um the playstation one for the oh okay yeah yeah um but They're just like, I just want to go shoot stuff. And I'm like, yeah, I know, dude. Relax. It's funny. I've been talking a lot about our friendship to people. Because our friendship is really interesting. We are business partners. Yeah. And we are friends. When you get money, your friendship, you turn into different wealthy people in a weird way. But your friendship is still there. Yeah. But just things like I was telling someone yesterday, like the first time I made good money, you're like, you should treat yourself. That's what you do when you get good money. Treat yourself. You sent me a picture of this Gucci bag. And I was like, nice. So I went to Gucci in Vegas. I didn't know. I bought this $3,000 bag. And I sent a picture of it to you. And you go, oh, how did Leanne like it? And I go, huh? And you go, I got that for Christina. And I went, I bought it for myself. And you're like, that's a woman's bag. And I went, oh, fuck. but those but that's the interesting thing is like and and so but we got like i this is gonna sound weird but forget sometimes only because we work so much together how good friends we are and i realized that christmas eve yeah oh because we got to hang out yeah dude we were in dc we should set the stage we were in dc because we were both doing uh press with netflix for uh my special came out it's called teacher thank you awesome and then your series is coming out free bird comes out january 22nd only on netflix only on netflix so because netflix had the broadcast which was commanders cowboys um and they're you know they did i think they had 40 promos on this broadcast because they knew so many people would be watching um of all their stuff we were there we were both there i was there with christine and the boys and then you were there alone i was there with kyle oh with kyle and then you're like hey let's um you know this is this is no this is what i talk about with the friendship is that i go i hit you up old school like the regular tom and burt i was like yo christmas eve can i hang out with you and your family and you're like of course and then as i got closer i was like you know i'm a lot and i you know and i am And sometimes you just want to hang out with your family in the room and not go do something or go to dinner. And it may be like everyone wants to sit in pajamas and watch a movie. What am I sitting doing? Just drinking vodka in the corner. And so I hit you up the next day. I was like, hey, just so you know, you don't have to invite me to Christmas Eve. I can do my own thing. And then you're like, I definitely want you at Christmas Eve. Yeah. So we pull up to the hotel, and I see your boys getting out of the car. And Push is talking to the driver or someone in the back. and i go up to your boys i go state police i need cids right now and they go fat sticks they're like we knew you were coming we knew you're coming i go i got fucking awesome presents for you guys when do we get them i go you get them tonight and they're like oh what are you doing right now do you want to come to our room and i was like i was like i don't know what and then push saw me she was like hey and it was so yeah fun it's like old school it was old school it was so fucking we hung out you and i hung out with the kids and everything christmas eve dinner and they were they were just themselves they're do you want to see me choke my brother out yeah yeah i bet i could tap you out your oldest has so much energy it's wild and your youngest is a one of one i know he that fucking child is every day now he's like can i wear my suit today and i'm like i mean we're going downstairs to the lobby of the hotel he's like is that a no no you can wear your suit and then he wears a suit and then people go you're dressed up he goes i love fashion and they're like how old are you he's like i'm seven he's like and they're like and you love fashion he's like yeah so did david bowie and then he just tells them like that's what he said to me he goes i swear to god he goes do you like david bowie and i i see christina go okay yeah i go yeah i love david bowie he goes did you know david bowie's been dead nine years now and i was like i didn't know that he goes he died of liver cancer and i was like oh okay yeah and he was like do you know i know every david bowie song and i said you do and he goes yeah yeah yeah quiz me and i was like what yeah he loves david bowie and then randomly i get home and my favorite podcast is an hour documentary on david fucking bowie i started playing it for him oh my god he was he was like lit up just totally it's so funny they're very different boys but perfect brothers yeah they're great and they dude they fight you know oh yeah fucking fight like i have to physically separate and then two seconds later they're just like hanging out laughing and yeah ellis gets on a subject he goes he goes uh do you think i tap you out i was like what and you're like ellis takes jujitsu he goes i'm really good do you think i tap you out i said my daughter takes jujitsu and immediately his fifth shift focus and he goes what bell does she yeah i don't know she used to take lessons he goes what bell is she can you find out what bell she is do you think i could fight your daughter do you think i could take your daughter down i bet i could tap her out i'm really good i'm quick too but i fight the bigger kids and you guys are like you guys are like he does fight with the bigger kids and then and then and then julian's like i didn't like jujitsu yeah i know we're on the we were on vacation and like other people would be like you people see kids and they're like how you doing like where are you from he would introduce himself as a champion cross-country runner oh yeah and a jujitsu guy i was like and they're like oh okay he's like yeah i'm fucking i'm really fast they're like that's nice to meet you i leaned into i leaned into the boys and i said hey do you think it would be cool if i went on your vacation i don't tell your parents i just show up and like almost like a spy i show up and prank them the whole time and ellis it's like his he goes is this can this be real and i went yeah it can be real i'll i'll show up and they won't know and you guys will help me and we'll prank them the whole time and ellis is like oh oh oh oh this is gonna be great this is gonna be great at the end of the night he goes are you coming on a vacation i go i don't know i'll check he goes no you need to let me know and i was like okay dude christmas day we went to the game which was so fun i didn't i didn't see any of it i showed up did my part and got on a plane left it was so fun and they were they were um you know my big disappointment in life so far i know has been that they don't like football yeah and i was like the only reason i had you guys i tell them all the time like that was the only reason you were born was to watch football together and every time i've been watching football over the years they're like they'll walk in the room they'll be like ah shit let me watch something else and i'm like you you're out of the will you're not even part of this family right like just anyway as as the years have gone by a little more interest and then when i was like we're going to a game i could see that they were i was like oh this might be like the thing so we get there and they're like you know they're looking at the stadium and netflix put us in a suite that they had and they were like this is fucking awesome in the suite um i don't think anybody like seth Rollins no no no it wasn't anybody like that it was mostly people you wouldn't know really but it wasn't like packed in there either but they were like taking it in and they were like they had so much interest I was like oh this is great I started to like it's like what you dream about I was like explaining the game what's happening because they had zero interest before and so I'm like laying it out and then they're like so like I'm like it's it's Dallas versus Washington and They're like, who do we cheer for? And I'm like, well, I don't know. I go, I mean, we live in Austin, so Dallas is pretty close. And they're like, we're definitely Dallas. And I was like, all right, cool. And they're like, come on. Come on, Texas. And I was like, no, it doesn't. It doesn't work like that. Come on, cowboy. And they're like, what? I go, it's Dallas. You got to be specific. It's Dallas. And they're like, oh, okay. And they would scream out the open window. They're like, cowboys, yeah. Washington sucks. and like everybody in the suite was Redskins or Commanders fans and they would be like turn their heads to these two little psychos Julian in his suit of course and like screaming about it and they got really into it so the main thing is I you know the season's ending but I'm like I gotta get these guys to games more that's what I learned is like you gotta get them to a game but anyway at the end of the day it was Christmas day we go back to the hotel and we're sitting there and it's like finally winding down the energy of the day is winding down and then ellis sits there and i see him kind of like head down i go what's up he goes i miss i miss bert i go really he goes yeah he's my fat uncle i go i go well you can see him again he goes today i go no he left he goes oh all right i wished i wanted so bad to go sit in the suite with you guys i knew i i knew they were asking they're like is bert coming is he coming up i was like i don't know i think he's got to catch a flight every like 20 minutes they'd be like is burke coming up now i was like well he's working right now that would have been so fucking good i told them oh i told them i said we got to do a family trip i'll take my girls and you guys come with you guys and they're like what we're doing i go safari and they're like what yeah i was like let's go to africa and then i told my girls and my girls were like well we have to babysit them and i said absolutely not and they're like we're in this episode is sponsored by better help the new year doesn't require a new you maybe just a little less burden you therapy can help more easily identify what holds you back by offering an unbiased perspective to for better understanding your relationships motivations and emotions you know if you haven't done therapy that makes no sense to you it really does you go how i they're my relationships they're my emotions what am i talking about dude when you're in therapy and you have another person going you know i'm noticing a pattern you don't notice your own pattern take a look at Charlie Sheen. 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Hear your first cha-ching this new year with Shopify on your side. um the uh i want to ask you a question okay and and this is based off of need i was talking to shannon sharp the other day sheesh sheesh i think sheesh to promote the new show amazing yeah i think i'm gonna get a lot of shit for it i mean you ever do a podcast and the second you get in the car you're like i definitely shouldn't have said that let me get a phone call from kevin hart oh jesus i know so he just looks at me chan sharp goes uh you said kevin hart needs to talk about all the luck in his life like cat williams packed a gun in his suitcase that the only reason i went with that movie and i was like no i was like who does your research fucking the internet god that a deep cut i said that once to a fucking girl fucking 10 years ago yeah and i was like yeah i can't wait for this these are gonna be some viral clips i that was always the folklore and then and then i then i broke it down i said you know every comedian needs like that one stroke of luck i go we all got it and for me it's the machine story going viral that one girl posts the clip that says this story is 100 true i was in my his class he fucking robbed us um that helped me that's the spark and i go tommy it was tommy got on netflix the same time bill burr was on netflix it's the only two comics bill burr's huge i don't know if i actually said this i think i said netflix but you get on netflix with bill burr and they go did you like bill burr then you're gonna love tom segura and all of a sudden you're i remember you saying i don't need to do presses my my stroke of luck honestly was really that um comedy central said no yeah that was my stroke of luck that like they said no and then netflix was just in licensing stuff they're like we just want to license a bunch of shit it's like 2013 that was my you're right and they were like yeah this is like these are specials and they just were like yeah we'll take it that was my luck and uh i go bill burr's luck is that philly ramp oh right that goes viral and everyone's like this guy's a fucking genius i go jim jeffries got punched in the head of the comedy store yeah he happened to have a manager brett vincent who knew how to it worked the internet so he took the clip off the security cam posted to myspace goes viral i go rogan calls out mencia i go listen i mean listen this is and this is my take i'm allowed to have my opinion yeah but without that mencia video and rogan getting kicked out of the comedy store losing his agent yeah and and all of that the punishment he got from this team maybe he doesn't reset and start his podcast right maybe he's not sitting there going what are we going to do today yeah yeah you know and then you get the interesting take it's an interesting take it's but then the fucking irresponsible part of me is i one time i heard a drunk agent say the only reason kevin hart got fool's gold is because kat williams packed the gun in his luggage to go to the trip yeah and they and they said pat cat we they were shooting the movie they're ready to shoot it and they're like they're like yo we need someone who'll sit fit into a fucking medium i don't know that that's offensive because i think the thing is that like everybody gets a thing right yeah and like to kevin's credit like what he's done is taken whatever opportunity he was given and knocked it out of the park. Right. He's not here by accident. No. But everyone has that one spark of luck. Yeah. That really catapults him. I don't think that's crazy to say. Okay, good. I mean, someone's going to act like it's real crazy to say. A hundred percent. Of course. And then all those guys on Oculus goggles that are going to light me up, I'll just give you my number and you call me and we'll talk. Yeah. And then I said some stuff about Tracy Morgan. It's a good interview. I think people are going to love it. but but but i said to club i said to shannon sharp who's by the way so much bigger in person yeah he i said uh he's jacked he's like 60 or something dude he's jacked yeah and he's and he drank we drank i drank a half a bottle of kiboski yeah which by the end i'm just drunk yeah and and then i started interviewing him and i asked him a question that's kind of fucked me up now okay i said what's the difference between when you had a million dollars when you first signing he was seventh round draft pick wasn't much didn't expect much his first re-signing bonus was for 450 000 with the 700 000 bonus right so it's over a million dollars yeah i said what's the difference between now then and now when you have this money and he thought about it and he goes back then i had to wait to buy a watch and i said yeah and he goes now i just buy watches i said which was better and he goes then i said so what are we doing like if it was better then what are we doing he was like i don't know i goes i guess you want security to put your family you know take care of your family and stuff and i thought about it now i i would i want to whittle it down so it's fun for everyone to do this game if you're listening and maybe we put it in the comments i did it to leanne today and i'm curious what your answers are we'll start with uh with shoes how many pair of shoes does a man need in his life you're talking to the wrong guy you're looking at the other wrong guy i have i had a shoe addiction for a period and i have a room full of shoes that i don't use and now i'm looking at them going this is wasteful do you know that I've gone I don't know if I told you that what you're talking about is something that I've been feeling and dealing with and it's not like a big thing but it's like which was like the idea of excess and wastefulness so in the last few months it really occurred to me what you're saying and so I got rid of this is grotesque i got rid of 80 pairs of shoes right because i was like i was looking at them and i was like what is this yeah then i i did it for cars i was like this is so stupid i i really did i was like what am i doing the same thing you're saying really yeah i was like why do i i don't it's like i go this these are they're just become like i i never wanted to be like a museum piece person and we're like, let's just look at this for anything. And then I also done it for watches. No, don't do that. Okay, I said to Leanne, how many watches does a man need? That's how it started. I didn't want to say that because I know watches is a trigger warning. And for just clothes. I just felt like it actually is more anxiety-inducing to have this overwhelming abundance of stuff. yeah and then you go what do i even really love or like and i know it's like a boo-hoo comment like people will be like oh i got too much stuff it's true it's true i got too much stuff and it doesn't feel good it doesn't feel good to have too much stuff and so i've donated stuff i've gotten rid of stuff i've sold stuff so wait so wait okay so the first one i asked her is how many shoes does a man need? And she said, you need a pair of nice shoes, you need a pair of running shoes, and you need a pair of kick-around shoes, and a pair of flip-flops. She said four? Four pairs of shoes. That's a little low. That's a little low. And I said, just ballparking, and I want to know what your answers are. I wish I could read comments. I'd love to know what people think. I said a total no more than nine pairs of shoes. Yeah, I mean, I think if you are working person, you have a job, you like having shoes. You probably got work boots. Yeah, let's say you have your work boots, your dress shoes, let's say a black and brown pair. Black and brown pair. Then you have your trainers for the gym. Let's say if you're a runner or you like weightlifting, you have separate shoes for that. And then for your everyday life, most people want some variety. So if you have black ones and blue ones and gray. I do think capping it, you don't have to put a cap on it, obviously, but to me, it's like once you have 20 pairs of shoes, you're on. The reason I was thinking about this was I was walking and looking at what am I going to wear today? I realized that I was always pulling the same eight pairs of shoes and that the other ones were just decorations. And the same thing for driving. I was like, what am I doing? And it's fine. I understand there are car collectors, and I know people personally who have 60 cars. And they're thrilled with it. And I've been to their garage. I'm like, this is insane. And I think it's awesome if it works for you. I don't think it works for me. Christian, how many pairs of shoes do you have? Let me guess. Three. Four. How many? Seven and eight? Yeah. In college? Yeah. In college? I had two pairs of shoes. yeah i had running shoes and flip-flops i only wore flip-flops everywhere yeah i wore flip-flops everywhere yeah i wore yours by the way over vacation why thank you yeah those are great they're great they're great i wish we were still in we were still we were still making them those are great yeah he changed the design and the design i like the new design so i stopped wearing them i just wear all the old ones i have nine pairs of old ones i flip-flops are bad okay how How about shirts? How many shirts should a man have? I mean, I... Let's just do t-shirts. T-shirts? How many t-shirts should a man have? I think you want to have... You probably want doubles, at least, of like... Too black. Yeah, too white. Too blue. Too white. Yeah, yeah. And then if you have, like, let's say a variety of six or seven others, that's what you end up wearing how many t-shirts do you have don't don't ballpark it now or after because I just did the purge before the purge before the purge a few hundred oh okay I have my sister Annie she does jackets bro oh I remember you went through a jacket phase it's not over how many jackets do you have hundreds are you serious but I also have been like yeah I realized dude that it is it is like a form of self soothing and like it's an impulse thing and like the thing I had to like try to work on is to not act on the impulse, to stop for a second and go, do I really want this? Do I really need this? Will I use this? And sometimes when I just ask myself that for anything, just the act of asking myself that gets me to not do the impulse buy and then leave. And then I think the thing you do is you go, if this is something that sits with you and you keep going like, oh man, I really want these shoes or whatever. Then you go, okay, it's been in your head. But I've been acting off of impulse for too long. I've been acting off impulse. I look at my shirts. I looked at my t-shirts today. I only wear the same shirt. I wear the same shirt every day. And I looked at my shirts. I realized my problem is nostalgia. I looked at my shirts this morning. I had this thought this morning when I woke up. because you know leanne and i have separate bedrooms now yeah and so i'm in my bedroom feels good well i brought only what i needed to my bedroom yeah and so her closet is full of all the collector stuff i have oh like all the stuff i don't touch i brought all my shit there and then i left all my other shit in her room and so then i was like jesus like i guess i guess i only wear you know one pair of pants i think that's really what it is dude yeah and i yeah what it's just it's i i'm like upset not upset but i was like i realized how silly i i feel about the consumption like about about just uh obtaining acquiring all this shit and then i realize that it doesn't bring me joy it's not fulfilling it it's causing me to feel like what the fuck i feel like a goddamn like i'm on pcp like a fucking lunatic and i'm like this is it doesn't feel good so that's why i was just like i gotta get rid of shit i almost enjoy when i stain a tracksuit uh-huh because i go what we're getting rid of this yep like i spilled a meatball i dropped a meatball down my down my i had a nice polo i went through a tracksuit phase so all i do remember this. I went through a tracksuit phase and I got, I polo tracksuits in every color, gray, navy blue, black, and light blue. And when I flew to... You eyeballed me, I didn't tell you this, you eyeballed me so hard. When I went to your room Christmas Eve, I was in a tracksuit and you sat there, we were talking, remember we sat in your room? You kept going... And I don't know if it was for my tracksuit, I didn't say anything. I was in your tracksuit. I was like, this guy's like really eyeballing this so hard. It was your tracksuit. It was your tracksuit. But I dropped a meatball down my tracksuit, and I was like, there's no way this is coming out. I'm throwing this away. Good for you. And I was like, nice. I got rid of a tracksuit. Great. Just start spilling more. And then I put shout on it, and you can still see the same. It's like, okay, I'll work out in the pants. Yeah, yeah. I have a hard time. I have a shirt. I have shirts from 2001. And you're going – by the way, how much are you down? You look good. We should do a Manjaro Nojorni. How much are you down? 30 pounds. 30 pounds, which means, and this is that you have to fucking do this. You need new clothes. You have to get rid of bigger clothes. You have to get rid of it. I have all my pants. None of my pants fit. I'm at the very beginning of my belts. I'll tell you, man, and I only say this not like I follow a lot of fat people. I follow almost exclusively fat people. Yeah. Like, you know, those fatty baddies that go, I'm a fatty baddie and this is what I eat in a day. I start, I'll tell you right now, if you're a woman and you're in good shape, okay. And you're thinking to yourself, I'll never get fat. But when you wake up, you make a coffee and put four pumps of caramel and coffee creamer and whipped cream and sprinkles on it. You're going to be fat. That's the, that is the key. That is the, every fatty baddie I watch. Yeah. I mean, the plus-size Park Hoppers, they all get crazy coffee orders. Ladies, ladies, ladies, your coffee should be coffee with a splash of cream. That's it. No fucking sugar. I'm telling you. I don't think it's just ladies, dude. It was a bunch of dudes. All I follow is ladies. Oh. I follow the – do you follow the – I remember I texted – You follow a lot of bizarre shit, dude. Dude, I follow these rappers from Michigan. They're like five dudes, and they're always in the woods. And one dude wears a Jason mask, and it always starts with the guy jumping off the thing. And he's like, it's so good. It's good? Yeah, but it's like, I don't know why. There this thing I recognize in people that I identify with and it the need to be seen And mine shallow I get on stage to do it I want to be seen I want to be heard I do podcasts because I want to be seen My goal in this year is to be less seen It is, I think, I think I, same thing with overabundance. I think I wanted to be seen so much that I got kind of annoying to people. It's like, I was everywhere. And like, people would go like, you're the TikTok guy. And I'm like, no, like, you're all over my TikTok. And I was like, I don't think I am. And they're like, yeah, you are. and so that guy but like um so i that's what i identify with the people online who like like these rappers where they're like yeah the guy always jumps off something in the woods and they're all intimidating and it but they're honestly they're not this is the best it's gonna get for them i'm not getting signed by dr dre right they're not their raps aren't awesome But they're making me happy. Yeah. And so I understand that. Do you know who I'm talking about? This is them. Yeah. That's them. That's them. Okay. Is that a real hand? Bitch, you know who it is. Dude, this is them. Look at them. Oh, look at them. No. War rap kicking in your back door. He's reading his rap. He reads his rap. And look, there's a guy with a fucking. Snap jaws with a hacksaw. Fast paws when I scrap board. By the way, this is what people have been doing for generations. It's just that you can watch them now. This is five guys doing this everywhere. I would argue no. There's this girl I'm following. She's rowing across the Atlantic Ocean. And I thought. I could do that. No, no, no, no, no. I'm following her. And she's sharing her journey. Hey, guys, today's the first day that I'm going to jump in the water. I've been scared to do this, but I'm jumping in the water. And, you know, she jumps in the water and she goes, hey, guys, it rained today. There was a storm and I needed it. So I really need to take a bath. And, you know, and then I thought just as a little thought experiment, I thought, what if, what if someone texted her and like, yo, Instagram no longer exists. Yeah. She'd be in the, she'd go, why the fuck am I doing this? Maybe. How do I get the fuck back? Get me the fuck out of here. I don't want to be here. I'm only here so people see that I'm here. Yeah. and i literally thought that would she is there anyone rowing across the fucking ocean that's not posting it is there anyone getting a sailboat and not posting their adventures on youtube you're right or is there any rapper that's just rapping by himself in his fucking closet probably yeah that one yes yeah probably but i think for the a lot of that holy shit endurance crazy thing it's very few that are just doing it for the love of it for sure very few and then by the way but we shouldn't forget to to mention that the details are coming soon but we are the 5k is back for two bears 5k 2026 and and jelly roll will be there yep which by the way now i'm like remember how we used to be like hold on hold on we gotta take a knee out with this fucking guy yeah what dude he weighs if i hadn't started manjaro he'd be as skinnier than me it's fucking crazy is that not crazy yeah 265 i was 270 when i started losing weight and dude i can't i can't let him beat me this year. He's going to beat you. No, he's not. When he gets his skin removed, he's going to be 200 pounds. He's not beating me, dude. Dude, he runs every fucking day. I'm running. I'm running. I run. He runs every fucking day. Does he really? Every day. And he runs uphill. He's addicted. He's addicted. Because, you know, like, Jelly, you know I love you. But Jelly does have a little bit of an addictive personality. A little? Okay. With the food and the drugs. Yeah, no shit. He's just applied that in a positive way. That a lot of people do that get sober. And he's, he's, I mean, he still parties. I know. He's fucking like. I ran four miles a day over on the break. Yeah. And now I have to like up it because I cannot let him beat me. Oh, he beat me last year. Did he beat you? Yeah. Well, I ran it. There was a second time I ran it. I heard he's running R5K twice this year. He just did a 10K with fucking Cam Haynes. Fuck. All right. I got to step it up. He's fine. He looks incredible. He does look incredible. He's unrecognizable. Yeah. I love when I was with Bunny recently, and we were talking about Manjaro. Oh, yeah, I should wrap up. I only want to say this for people that are like me, because I follow a lot of fat people. if you are having if you have an issue with your weight and you want to lose weight i found manjaro worked for me now it made me feel like i had the flu i still amuse on it for four days for four days i feel like i have a flu like a low-grade flu uh very beginning i was throwing up violently at airports but and then the last three days i feel normal and then when i take it again i get like a welt on my stomach by the way jack osborne was like just put up ice pack on that mate goes away Oh, nice. Oh, yeah, we were talking peptides. But it can jumpstart a healthy lifestyle. Because I was honest about it, and not everyone, you know, a lot of people, like, I've heard a lot of people that are like, oh, yeah, I've just done hard work. And you're like, okay. But because I was honest with it, people have come up to me and go, you know, I'm on a GLP-1. I'm on a TerraZeptide, but I'm on a GLP-1. and dude there are so many people that come up to me that are regular looking people and they're like i lost 70 pounds and you're like what wow and they're like oh yeah yeah i was diabetic i'm not diabetic anymore that's amazing and so if you're thinking about it uh i don't know i wish i could tell you i don't know i knew how much it cost but i think insurance covers some of it you dropped 30 pounds 30 pounds my my weight lifting is dropped as well um i'm not i definitely couldn't do three fucking 25 right now but i'm still lifting weights uh right now i can't use my legs so i'm what happened what happened paraplegic what what happened with your leg um i saw you limping so i i don't know what happened i i meaning one day i woke up and my and my so i've had this achilles problem i posted a picture of it yesterday you pull up that picture it's pretty aggressive i've had an achilles problem since i was shooting free bird and so i stopped running because of it because I was like, I don't want to rupture my Achilles. That would suck. And then one morning I woke up over Thanksgiving, and I slept wrong, and my hip was out, and I couldn't use my leg. I pinched a nerve or something. So we worked that out, and as I slowly got better and better, all of a sudden my calf would hurt, and then my foot would move. I thought it was a blood clot for real. And then the top of my right foot hurt. Then it was plantar fasciitis. Then I had a masseuse come in and he fucked me up. And then ever since that day, it was inside calf, outside calf, outside here, over here, under here. I have no idea what it is, but you see this picture of my fucking Achilles from yesterday. And I think it may be Achilles related. But, dude, I had to wrap my leg in a hot blanket. Do you think you should maybe get this checked out by someone or no? Okay. Just so we're clear. Yeah. I'm marking it day by day how much it's getting better. okay and every day since it was really bad it's getting 20 better every day so like today the bottom of my foot hurts a lot less but you don't know what caused this i have zero idea you were running no i got well the last time i used my leg good i was drunk on stage with uh snow the product okay we were singing and i was dancing and i was jumping up and down and so just go to my my just go to my stories it's b-e-r-t look at this look at the go back one it's me and michael chandler look can you see that achilles yeah yeah it looks aggressive and your foot was hurting a lot yeah my my my plantar fasciitis is hurting less right now it's my calf god but the more i use it throughout the day and if i work out it feels a lot better oh that's good so i don't know i'm going to give it through the weekend and and if it still hurts i'm going to go monday to a doctor but you know but but i dress or like dentists not real doctors right uh so we we have to not we we got to beat jelly that's got to be the goal right yeah i mean it's gotta it's gotta be like a war yeah it's like i was rooting for him until he got skinnier than exactly now it's like hey man chill the fuck out bro you know you think hang on i want to i want to do a thought i want to do a i did this drunk and i got and leanne almost got mad at me okay get ready to clip this out everyone you're going to love this take jake paul is should go down in history as a god jake paul i went to the jake paul fight yeah and i'm sitting i'm sitting there i was sitting with matt rife by the way probably the funnest guy to sit with yeah because you forget you forget how quick comics catch each other you know like you forget how our shorthand with each other happens so quickly so i'm sitting there and i'm sitting in this arena it's sold out Michael Irvin sitting right next to Matt Reif. He's the best. Ricky Fowler's down there. I mean, the place is packed with celebrities. I saw Cam. I saw Timberland. I mean, it's packed with celebrities. And I'm looking in there and I go, this is, and I mean this respectfully, this is just Jake Paul. I'm looking at Michael Irvin who was given every gift by the Lord to be a physical specimen and uncompetable I mean you cannot compete with Michael Irvin to this day he is still in amazing shape at 60 years old yeah but he didn't make 90 million dollars in a ring and I'm looking at Joshua Anthony Joshua Anthony he doesn't have the ability he does not have the ability to make 90 million dollars He had to get Jake to get him to make $90 million. Before this, he wasn't making $90 million. And they both made $90 million. And Jake Paul, and I apologize if this is crass, is not an athlete. He's not. He is an athlete. Okay. But no, I'm saying if a coach, he is now an athlete. Right. But never in life did anyone pick him out like they did Michael Irving, like they did Michael Vick and go, this is what he created something. You're right. He created, he created that is willpower. And that's what makes him a God is he created out of sheer willpower. If you are a guy thinking, what the fuck am I doing with my life? Look at Jake Paul and take a page out of his book. Cause that kid created something out of absolutely fucking nothing and then i look at logan paul who by the way is an amazing professional wrestler yeah and i look at logan paul and i go by the way good looking kid not the best looking kid in this room but the fucking most famous person in this goddamn arena holy shit they made something happen these two kids are the american dream they are the american fucking dream and i will always there's gonna be a great documentary about them i will take a knee to them for the rest of my life because they they are they are gods the boys the gen z boys that fucking rule the internet my cousins my cousins have me in a chat thread right now but they muted me because i don't want to hear from boomers so i can't respond i can just read all their fucking texts fucking assholes and they and they are they are the red pill incels my cousins and um and they were making fun of jake paul and i want i want to fucking talk to them and go hey listen fuck faces jake and logan paul are better than any gene in our family we fucking should take a knee you all need to fucking take a knee to these two men they did something really impressive you do have to give incredible yes for i agree i agree dude like he made himself the kid can listen jake can box he's not an elite boxer but he is he is a like he has skills he's look he what he did do brilliantly was create the persona and and he understands something that all the the old school promoters understand which is like you have to create drama you have to create villains like people are more excited to watch somebody that they hate lose than they are to watch somebody that they love win they want to see the loss and he embraced that and he got it and then he was able to build this thing out of nothing out of nothing and it is a joke out of a joke they fought fucking two youtubers all fought it's crazy it's crazy what it's insane i'm sitting in this arena going he created this that's that's the thing that blows me away he created this um he created this and and i and i thought to myself i don't think i've performed in that arena i don't think so it's in miami i don't think i've ever done miami but like i thought to myself was it the arena or the stadium this arena so uh american airlines arena i mean no that's dallas but whatever but i thought to myself i don't mean this no slight on jake whatever but i do the same size venues as this but i've it took me 20 years to work 25 years to work to get there to bust my ass at an art form i'm pretty fucking high level at and and i and i think i knew at a very young age that i was really talented this and that's what gave me folk he just did it out of nothing it's pretty crazy man it's insane i honestly there will be a documentary there will be there should be a class taught about the paul brothers in college in college freshman year and and i i'm telling you i really believe it they are as important to our country as abraham lincoln oh my gosh this is where i lost leanne too this is where i lost leanne too john f kennedy they and leanne goes you're talking about jake paul and i was like i know yeah but he's as important as fucking george washington Well, they will use this in the documentary. So good for you on that. Don't forget, watch Free Bert, which comes out. January 22nd. Free Bert, January 22nd. I hope you like it. My special teacher is streaming right now on Netflix. Please watch it. Two Bears 5K, coming your way. Coming your way. But you know when we created it. 5K by May. There you go. All right. See you guys. Love you. Love you. Bert and Tom. Tom and Bert. One goes topless while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean Here's what we call Two Bears, One K