This is an I Heart Podcast. Guaranteed Human. Now here's a highlight from Coast to Coast AM on I Heart Radio. Welcome back, George Nori with Dr. John Gray, metaphor Mars, women are from Venus for women only, a bit brand new book. John, where do people get the book? Well right now they can get it Amazon. I self published this book so it's not yet in bookstores but hopefully as it goes up the list there, it started out as a number one. And then we keep it going up. The bookstores will catch on and they'll start ordering it. But it's available there. You talk a lot about stress. How much of a factor is that in a relationship? Well, first of all there's two kinds of stress. There's the outer world. We say, oh today was so stressful. There was traffic. This person didn't do what they said they're going to do. When I'm talking about stress, I'm talking about how we react to stress because we can't always change the outer world. We can learn how to change our inner world, which is the basis of all personal growth. And I have a unique approach to that, recognizing how our relationships can be very, very helpful to lower the stress level or the adrenaline and the cortisol levels in our body because when cortisol is being produced in the brain, always for a man, it's low testosterone and high estrogen. And always for a woman, it's low estrogen and high testosterone. In simple terms, he is no longer anchored in his male side. He's going to his female side. And when she's stressed, she's no longer anchored in her female side. She's more on her male side. So this is called row reversal. And it's become so common today. And as soon as the hormones go out of balance like that, the brain starts producing cortisol. And when cortisol is produced, whatever problems you're facing, your brain interprets it as a huge problem, as if a tiger is chasing you. It doesn't know the difference. It's not like cortisol gets released, the brain thinks you're in big danger. Even when you're not, you're just stuck in traffic, or you're husband's ignoring you one day. So that's how stress affects us. So what it does, and what I've done in the new book, every page we have references to scientific studies, not that you need to read them, but a lot of people like to know there's some real science behind this. And actually in finding those studies, it enriched my knowledge of the brains, certainly. What happens even under moderate stress, women do this. They have three times more blood flow going to the emotional part of the brain compared to a man. A man actually under moderate stress becomes less emotional. A woman becomes more emotional. And yet it's a small problem, it's moderate stress. So men become more emotional when it's a big problem, no emotion, when there's a little problem. Women have big emotions for little problems, and when the problems get big, women shut down and have no emotion. So we misinterpret each other. And if you don't have the scientific understanding, you'll always think women will think, oh, he doesn't care about me because he's cut off his feelings. And men will think she's complaining all about me because she sees all these problems. And all he has to do is recognize that, let her talk a little bit more. But part of what I, the strategy here, and women can interpret it when a man detaches as I talked about, it's not a big deal. He'll come back if you give him the space to come back. But if she's thinking in her mind, oh, he hasn't talked about his feelings. So he is holding on to something against me. Now you're pushing him away. And men are very sensitive being pushed away. That becomes a source of stress, adrenaline. He feels blamed and he'll shut down. There's all kinds of new science in this book. There's another thing you'd be fascinated with, which is mirror neurons. Now many people have heard of this, but nobody's heard of it in terms of how men and women's brains mirror neurons systems are completely the opposite. So what happens for a man is whenever you complain to a man, he feels in the slightest bit blamed. What he's going to do is his mirror neurons will shut off. When a woman feels blamed or in any situation, her mirror neurons stay open. Now what does it mean to have mirror neurons open or close? When your mirror neurons are open, this is the brain. And they can see the brain activity. You're able to feel what other people feel. So if you're happy, I feel happy for you. If you're sad, I feel sad for you. If you're afraid, I feel compassion for you. So that ability to feel what somebody else feels and men only opens up when they're not feeling blamed. So women often complain. He doesn't hear me. And he does, again, that's another one of those words. It means nothing to a man. The way a woman intends it. He says, you're not hearing me. It's because she doesn't feel his connection. Because connection is what raises estrogen. But for him, his mirror neurons have closed down. He's not against her. He's now just thinking about what she said as opposed to feeling what she's feeling. And this connection is what helps women to lower stress. So like one of the tools this book is filled with these wonderful tools is called a venous talk. Where you say to him, I just want to talk for 10 minutes. I don't need you to solve anything. I'm not going to complain about you. You're not in trouble. All you need to do is listen to be talked for 10 minutes. And when she talks for 10 minutes, the book teaches her how to communicate the way which reveals emotions. Because whenever you have emotions, your estrogen goes higher, your stress goes down. So when she can share about her day for 10 minutes, what will happen is a man will give us 100% attention, which most women have never felt before. Because usually whenever a woman is complaining about him or about her life or what's going on in her life, his brain immediately goes into processing what's what solution should I give to her and his mirror neurons shut down. And ironically, this is another key factor in my book because I want to keep many couples want to feel that attraction. They want to feel that physical intimacy for a lifetime. Well, it turns out that the only time a man's mirror neurons can fully open is when he's making love with his wife. So at that time where she's feeling so safe and so supported and so appreciative of him, his mirror neurons open and that's how men let in love the most. That's why sex has always been so important to men because it's a time where men can fully feel it's a time when the mirror neurons can open. If their partner is loving them, then that love can go in the deepest and he's recharged. He's rejuvenated. It's like the most wonderful experience when they learn how to make it in such a way that both people are getting what they need. John, how much of this is based on how you brought up as a kid? Well, everything is based on how we've experienced as a kid. There's no doubt. And ironically, if there's seven kids and a family, every child has a different relationship with a parent. You know, when my older brothers were growing up, my parents were rich and when I was growing up, my parents were not rich. So I had a whole different relationship with life and my parents and so forth. But we all have various ways of conditioning and programming, particularly in the first seven years of our life, our brain is in theta frequency, which is hypnosis. So we're literally being hypnotized by being conditioned fully by what our parents are feeling for each other and for us and for others. And that has a big impact in us throughout our lives without a doubt. If we feel, you know, one of the things I talk about is what's happening today a lot is because of so much divorce. And 80% of the time after divorce, the mother in statistics, the mother is badmouthing the father. That's the statistics, okay? There could be women listening or exceptions, but that's pretty much consistent in research. And what that does to a little boy is she doesn't realize that anytime she's critical of that boy's father, she's criticizing the masculine side of that little boy. That father lives within the little boy. And so that part of him becomes weak. It doesn't feel loved, appreciated, trusted, accepted. And the mother doesn't know she's doing that just by rejecting the father. She could be very loving to the little boy, but that just causes him to bond more with the mother and he becomes more feminized. So this is what's going on very commonly today is the biological expression of the feminized male is the dramatic drop in testosterone levels. The average 20-year-old man should have peak testosterone at that time, has 20% less testosterone than just 20 years ago. And then if you go back 50 years ago, 70 years ago, he has half the testosterone levels of our fathers. So the world has changed a lot. And a big part of all that is divorce, a big part of that is as women have changed their own personal roles where they have moved into the independent world. Their stress levels go up. Now the solution, what do we do about that? I'm not saying turn back to clock, although that's always an option for some people and that's I wish them well. But to be more a tradwife, so to speak, be there for your children when you can. But economically, most couples even if they want to do that, today can't do it. And fortunately, I have a solution, which is when women are producing testosterone all day, if they anticipate coming home to a personal life that nurtures her estrogen levels, that's her feminine side, then what occurs is while she's in the work world, because she anticipates coming home at the end of the day to this kind of loving support that raises her estrogen, her stress levels go down even at the workplace. So she's basically experienced a balance of testosterone estrogen throughout her day, because she can anticipate it at home. It's the same kind of thing like planning a weekend date. I always tell couples to have a plan of date a week in advance, because as the woman anticipates, at least one day a week where she's like the queen, he's taking care of her own romantic date and giving her lots of attention and affection and doing things that he knows she would like, because she anticipates that, she'll be thinking about what am I going to wear, she'll open for schedules, she'll look forward to that. And then instinctively don't understand that, because we're looking forward to just resting after a week or a week. You'll be a break. I just want to rest. Whereas women, they want to feel this romantic reassurance that you still care about them. There's so many extra tools, but the Venus talk is one which teaches women how to talk about her day to her husband in a way that he'll listen. One of the ways to do that, I give many examples, but is to say, you don't need to say anything I just need to talk about my feelings about today. And you don't have to solve anything. I can solve everything myself. I just need to share this. I'll feel closer to you and that'll make me feel better. And it will only take 10 minutes. Now why do I say 10 minutes? Because one of the things for men is when women start talking, we don't know what our role is, what we're supposed to do, what the point is, how long this is going to take. And for men to produce testosterone, you have to have a beginning and an end. You have to have a goal. You have to know what you're supposed to do and you have to know what is going to be done. And so if you put a time limit on, suddenly men have plenty of energy. Otherwise they just sort of start to sink. You know, where am I going with this? What am I supposed to do with this? Or he'll just interrupt with solutions and then she feels you're not, she'll say you don't understand. And he says, I understand clearly. I can say what you just said. But again, what she means is you don't understand right now. I just need to talk about this. I don't need to solve anything. I just want you to feel connected to you. So there's a lot of misinterpretation, misunderstanding that goes on. And what's so wonderful is that we have this science that helps explain all of this to make sense of it better. What would you say, John, is the greatest takeaway from reading your book? I think the greatest takeaway is how different men and women really are and how beneficial it is to understand those differences. Because you know, a lot of people go, yeah, I know that men and women are different. No, they don't really understand the depth of how different we really are and how important it is to maintain those differences and to sustain attraction. And for both people to feel loved and supported and energized, you know, there's a, you know, as one example, you know, because I live this and I teach this, we see for all men, we call it a norm that as men get older, their testosterone levels will go down. So because I apply these ideas, I get my testosterone tested and it's 50% higher than when I was a young man. I'm 74 years old and it's everything still like a young guy. I mean, I'm an older guy now, for sure, but my testosterone levels are at this very healthy level. And one of the symptoms of that high testosterone is being cool, common collected, not being disturbed by things, not getting irritated and annoyed and also maintaining a healthy libido. These are things that men, over around 50 years old, start to lose, you know, they don't grow when their confidence is a man in the support that they feel from their spouse and so forth. There's even a hormone that I talk about in the book that I didn't know about and tell I started researching this. It's called prolactin and it's a hormone that when you're in a committed relationship as opposed to being single or just dating women, if you're in a committed relationship over time, your body makes prolactin and prolactin. Both men and women? Yeah, for both men and women. If you were, it happens when you make love. If you had sex with somebody that you didn't have a committed relationship, you just make a little of it and it goes away. This is, this prolactin keeps men from wanting to stray. It keeps women committed to a man. It holds us together a glue and it has a positive and negative side to it. Dramaticly creates more intimacy at lowers our stress. It allows us to feel comfortable and at ease with our partners. But the downside of it is that we lose our libido unless you have polarity. So if a man is not more on the masculine side and a woman is not more on the female side, they will stop feeling attracted to each other. Its mother nature is our God's gifts to keep men from straying to stay with a woman while you have children and also her to stay with that man. So that's the harm on prolactin which makes us feel more comfortable, more at ease with our partners. But the danger of that is that you then, you don't feel the attraction. But what can maintain the attraction, as I mentioned, is the polarity. That he's making more testosterone than her on a biological level and on a biological level. She's making a lot more estrogen than him. That will always create this attraction and enhance the romantic side of the relationship. Is really a deep science behind all this, isn't there? It's amazing to me. I mean, every page I have references to different studies and so forth. But I think the most important of the science, although there's so many things that more in the book, is this one basic idea that stress causes us to think in a negative way and closes us to, and closes our hearts to feel our love. And that when men have a closed heart, it's their testosterone as low, their estrogen is high. And a woman's heart closes, her estrogen is low, her testosterone is high. So with that little outline there, like a plumbing chart, I know as a man, my goal to make my wife happy is to do things that will help her increase her estrogen. And for her is to communicate to me in ways that will raise my testosterone. And that's what I figured out for this book. John, we're going to take a short break. Do you get emails through your website? Yes, people can ask questions at my website. Just go to con marsdenes.com contact. In the name of the book, men are from Mars, women are from Venus for women only, but it's really not just for women, isn't it? No, it's not really for women. Part of my focus here is sometimes women feel that if my husband doesn't read this book, it won't work. And not all men will read the book. So I said, okay, I'm writing a book just for women because my experience is that women come to me for counseling all the time. The man doesn't come, but their relationship gets better. But oh my gosh, I learned so much more about being a better husband, understanding my wife. Listen to more coast to coast AM every weeknight at 1am eastern and go to coastacostam.com for more. This is an I heart podcast. Guaranteed human.
