The Village Is a State of Mind: Welcome Back with Dre & Em

Hi, I'm Andrea Bendewald, but everyone calls me Dre. For the past three decades, I've been leading circles with extraordinary people, artists, healers, entrepreneurs, and innovators. Circling is a way of bringing people together. It's so simple. We gather in a circle and share our stories, dreams, experiences, ideas, hopes, and fears, often based on a prompt or a theme, and with certain guidelines used to create a space that's sacred and intentional. And what happens is that everyone has a chance to see and be seen for who they truly are, and a collective wisdom is revealed. And for years, I heard the call to share this with more people. That's this podcast. It's an extension of my life in circles, and my hope is that these conversations will inspire deeper connection to yourself, your communities, and the universe. Welcome to Circle This. Here we are. Welcome back. Welcome back. It's a new year. And though I refuse to admit, because I still feel like I'm in winter. I am. Well, you are still in winter. I am in winter, but I refuse this energy of the new year, except I would like to say to everybody that's listening, happy new year. We're back. We're so excited. I had a wonderful break holiday, but, and I'm having a very rocky start to the new year because I don't feel like grinding out like new me, new year, goals, visions. Like I'm, I'm behind. Yeah. And you said something the other day where something about spring and seasons and cycles, like for you, the new year should start. In March. In March, right around my birthday. Yeah. I want to be wintering. I want to be hibernating. I want to be sitting by the fire reading poetry and integrating. Integrating. That was the word we wanted to talk about was integration. We should be integrating everything that we created last year. I mean, we had a big year. We did 55,000 episodes of a podcast. I also heard that most people quit after six. Yes. So we crushed it. Yes. It feels like 55,000 in the best way. And we're ranked in the top 2% globally out of over 3 million podcasts according to, I I think something called listen notes.com. Yeah, that's right. I'm assuming it's very reputable. We are global. I have global, we have global listeners and I know three of them reached out to us. No, we're so amped up. We've been laughing and crying all morning, but that's okay. And you know what we're talking about? Shockingly, this is what we talked about last year, which is we are talking about love and dismantling all the limits and limitations that we put on how to love one another. Go, Emily. Yeah. Wow. You said that really, really well. I feel like it took me three hours to state the intention for this. Yeah, I nailed it. I nailed it. You nailed it. Yeah. Because we're obsessed with love. We're obsessed with love and we can create, I'm very into this idea of chosen family after a very special weekend, a birthday weekend. Which we're going to get into. I do want you to talk about chosen family and your obsession with it. You're welcome. But I want you – do you love my sweatshirt? It says love anyway. I want you – you were just about to share a story. And I was like, no, save it for the podcast. You were about to share the story about when I – well, you share it, about when you and I were getting to know each other. Okay. Okay, so we've been talking a lot about love and chosen family. And when we first started working together, like pre-podcast, we were writing a lot together. We were like talking a lot all the time and sharing stories and, you know, being creative and whatever. And then you came to New York and we went out to dinner with a friend of yours and you introduced me and you were like, this is Emily. we're kind of like dating right now. And I was like, what? And I knew what you meant, obviously. But I also was like, wait a minute. What does this mean? We're like- But just to be clear so everybody understands, we were new friends and we were dating as friends. We were trying each other out. We weren't like, oh my God, we're best friends and we're going to love each other till the end of days, we were dating. We were dating. Okay, correct. Again, which, yeah, like these terms, we do date friends. We do. And especially amongst women. Like, don't you remember too, like I can remember the moment when I start to say I love you to another woman hanging up the phone. Well, hold on. So that's part of the story. Oh, great. This is part of the story. So you said, you're like, we're like dating. And I was like, huh, all right. Okay, sure. I mean, yes, I get it. Great. But then literally, Dre, like the next day, I think I had like a, no, not I think. I had a hookup and you wanted to see a show and I like got you into a place or whatever and hooked you up. It was so fun for me and you had this experience or whatever. And then you texted me. You're like, oh my God, this is so great. I love you. and I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's a little thing. We're just dating. Did you actually say that? I did. Oh my God. Did I cry laughing? Yeah. No, I did. And you were like, well, now I'd like to get engaged or something. You're forever. Yes. Oh, I love it. The other thing that you are blowing my mind with is we were talking earlier about chosen family and you said, you know what? I, I've figured out when I'm my most lonely. Yes. And, and like, yeah, let's unpack that. I want to unpack mine, but I want you to go first. When are you your most lonely? Yeah. When I feel like I have to figure something out by myself, that's the source of a lot of my anxiety. My parents got divorced in my early mid 20s, hard to know, blacked it out. I don't really remember. It's not funny. It's not funny. It's not funny. It was a progression. No, but my foundation cracked. And so I just lost kind of that structure that I relied on for a lot. Structure slash security. Yes, slash a million other things. But truly, and I did in that moment, I was like, oh, I better not rely, depend on anybody because if it cracks or goes away, yeah, I sort of have to, like the only person I can count on is myself. I mean, kind of dramatic, but that's how I was feeling at the time. So I did sort of get into this hyper independent mode and mindset so that I wouldn't have to rely on anyone. So I wouldn't have to have the rug pulled out from under me if they couldn't or be hurt or disappointed or blah, blah, blah. And still a lot of, yeah. So you feel you're most alone when you slip into that mindset of, I have to figure this all out on my own. A lot of us feel it. I feel it. I even sometimes create it. I kick myself out of the circle and think nobody cares about me. And so then what's the remedy, Emily Crowder? Let's serve it up. Let's serve it up. Yeah. Chosen Family, which is a great song, by the way, Chosen Family by Elton John and Rina Sawayama, I believe is how it's pronounced. Chosen family, which I now think of as a mindset more than, you know, an actual thing. You know, we're always talking about how, why do we live so far apart? And, you know, we need to build a commune, right? We need to build a commune and we need to live in a village and we need to all be together and support. I'm all for it. I'm all for it. I'm all for it. Right. I totally am all for it as well. And yet this past two weeks, Chris and I came to LA and we were living in all of your homes and being fed and driven around and you were really supporting Chris in particular, building a business out on the West coast. And I realized on my last night, I'm like, oh, we're, we're doing it. This, this is the commune. Like, And then Stacey, I have to give credit to Stacey, she said, she was like, oh, the commune or chosen family is a state of mind. It's not like, oh, we'll live that way when we all live together. Okay. Back up. I want our friends who are listening to know a little bit of the backstory because what you're experiencing, and I agree, a commune is a state of mind, and it really has to be an expansion of how we think about giving and receiving. But it started with Chosen Family. We did a birthday weekend for our beloved Lee Kilton Smith, and she had a big birthday, and we threw her an epic party in the desert. And the theme was Chosen Family. We did a flash mob song There was about 30 of us out in the desert And we all came together to throw this very special woman an epic birthday And we got to live out loud and proud our love for her and she is our chosen family. And it's how she lives her life. And she has taught us and guided us and circled with us and teaches it in her acting class. And she's been on the podcast. and we were all there together co-creating this very loving experience right yes and then and we can and i want to go into that because i have a lot of thoughts that i really want to share with with what i learned about you know being one of the uh producers of the weekend is on the heels of that we then really wanted you and chris to come back you came back to la two weeks later because Chris is an incredible body worker and we wanted him to have more clients out here. So that's what you're talking about. So now you're back in LA. I just wanted the listener to know what we're talking about. So now you're back in LA and that's when you were staying at our houses and we were feeding you and stuff so that Chris could see a bunch of LA clients, right? Yes. It's like, yes, it's a million fold because, of course, we've stayed in each other's homes. We eat together. That's all been done before. But it was an amalgamation of things. It's like Chris shared where he's at and a dream, which is to be bicoastal. And it's like, you know, you've got to be careful what you wish for around you witches because you heard that. And then within two weeks, you're like, let's make it happen. with, and you did it with ease. And then yes, supported us and welcomed us and fed us and helped us, hold on, no, hold on, helped us figure it all out, which to circle back to like my, the source of my loneliness is thinking I have to figure it out all alone. So receiving, you know, that kind of support and, and yeah, it was just the remedy for me. Yes. And I watched you, you do that effortlessly for other people. And I watched you be a little less open to receiving it. And you did a great job. And the rest is a wonderful, beautiful experience where everybody benefited from it. But I watched you grow into the woman who had to learn how to receive more. You kept being very polite, which I appreciate manners. you were very polite saying like um that you didn't expect all this and you were so grateful and you didn't want to put anybody out and i just you know understood where that was coming from and this is the commune mentality the commune is a state of mind it's also you know what it reminds me of it's circle consciousness it's someone sent me a mug i still don't know who it was. I got a secret Santa in the frigging mail because I shared about it in a circle that, you know, give a gift and don't let anybody know who it came from. And I got one and it says, my mug says, I think like a circle. That's so good. And thinking like a circle is we give and receive, every part matters, and that we take care of the whole. Yeah, we take care of the whole. That's the commune. That's why we want to get back to the circle. We want to get back to the commune and you guys were the commune. You brought your gifts and your pieces to us in LA and you just allowed us to do our parts, which were to just do our little parts and you did your little parts. And if we all did our little parts, it adds up to a whole pie chart that fits together. Yeah. It's so fun. It's so fun. And it does. I experienced like what you're saying, like this infinity loop. Like you guys were giving us so much. And yes, of course we were giving too. And then there was all of this synchronicity that happened as a result. And I'm just, I'm taking that feeling and this mindset into the new year because I've always kind of worked against this narrative that like all of this love has to be reserved for this like romantic relationship or yes, parent child or something, but that to spread it out further than that was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, why don't you focus on your own dreams? Or why don't you focus or like, or you're, you know, overgiving or which is a thing, but I don't know. It never resonated with me. It was my answer to that when I would, like you said, create for people or connect people, when people would say, why don't you focus on yourself? It was like, well, that's boring. And, and because I can, okay. Okay. Is the remedy, is the remedy focus on yourself and then bring that part of you, that healthy part of you back into the circle, give, and then bring your gifts because we don't want to be codependent and over give and become depleted. We talk a lot about that on the podcast about how to stay healthy and not resentful. So how do you focus on yourself in a healthy way and then bring that to everybody else? I think that's the key. Bring that to the commune. Yes, for sure. Yes, right. Overgiving is a thing. But I think I was projected on a little bit in certain instances that perhaps I was overgiving when really it was easy for me. And also, let's just remember, giving feels really good. I feel really great about myself when I give to a circle, to my friends, to my kids. It feels amazing. So yes, and please give always, but from a full cup, from a full well that is filled by yourself. Let's talk a little bit more about chosen family because I think we've cracked a code. I think this is part of the remedy. You were fired up earlier. In fact, you were yelling at me about why you were so passionate about this. And it's because we're learning to dissolve those rigid constructs, rules about love. I am falling in love with life. I am falling in love with my friends. I am falling in love with myself. And the constructs are still out there that it has to be a certain type of love, look a certain way in order for you to fully be able to express your love. Yes. And receive. And receive. And receive. Yeah. Love without being romantic. Love without having labels. Yes. love without having conditions. When do you feel loved? What are the small ways in which you feel loved? And thinking about chosen family and this past week and the birthday weekend, and I was, like, it came to me like, oh, sleepovers. Sleepovers, like, I hope I'm having sleepovers until I die. There's something so familial about that, about that type of extended quality time. And, you know, again, I'm like so allergic to screens right now. But so that type of, yeah, togetherness in the physical, real form. And of course, yeah, mimics family, right? Going to bed and then waking up together. And those kind of like in between. And you're saying, and doing that with friends, doing that with chosen family, not just your bio family or immediate family or nuclear family, which you might do around the holidays. but you're saying doing that more with your friends as chosen family. Yes. Being the open channel or the open vessel to allow love to flow through you. Because I think it's always wanting to flow through us. That's our nature. We are wanting to be in a loving state and we forget or we get distracted by all of the noise and chaos and violence and fear when actually if we get still enough, which I like to do with meditating, when we get still enough, we can access that our true state and nature is love and peace. The walk for peace, the monks, the Buddhist monks that are walking from, I think it's Texas to Washington, D.C. I'm obsessed. I can't stop following them. I cry every time I see them on Instagram. And I'm looking at all of these people who are turning out hundreds and hundreds and thousands of thousands of people are turning out and turning up for peace. Yeah. For peace and love as a state of being, learning to love better more easily. I mean, what are we doing? I know what I'm doing. I'm tuning into that channel every day. Yeah. Okay. Wait, as far as tuning into that channel, because I didn't know about that until you shared it, and now it's been coming up on my algorithm as opposed to all the scary stuff that's also happening. And so thank you for sharing. But similar to the power of sharing all of this love and peace and positivity, and circling back to Lee's weekend, I have a dear friend who hates his birthday and he has a big one coming up and he made it very clear he does not want to do anything. Does not want to have to be happy about it and we were going to respect that But they asked to see the video reel that I made of Lee birthday and this flash mob And you know it does a pretty good job of capturing like an ounce of the magic that we experienced And after he watched that video and saw Lee's ability to receive all of that love and magic and celebration, his husband asked him, like, do you feel any different about your birthday? and he really thought about it. And he said, yeah, I think I do. I don't want to be the reason that I don't experience something like that. I mean, I could do a one woman show monologue right now about this subject and get really irate about it too. And that is- Wait, do it. What do you mean? I'm going to. Okay, good. Wait, I'm just getting warmed up. And that is, as soon as you started talking, I pictured your friend and I understand this because I have watched this in so many people, myself included. It's really about self-love. And if you're willing to love yourself through your friends, you are helping to heal the world. Because why would I, I'll just use myself for example, so I won't get mad at your friend because now he'll have a great birthday. But how could I not love myself enough to allow you and my glorious gaggle of people who love me, if I said, no, I don't want to be celebrated. What I'm really saying is, I don't want you to experience how much you love me, and because I'm not willing to receive it. so if I could get out of my own self loathing and go I'm willing to love myself I'm willing to love myself enough that I am going to allow my friends to show me how much they love me and what a gift I'm giving my friends what a gift yes yeah what a gift if we that was the best weekend of my life. If so, thank God that Lee could receive that. And she was the best at receiving. And one of the reasons why the weekend was so magical is that we created special events that we could all participate in equally. So a lot of talented people in this group, a lot of artists and a lot of singers and dancers and directors and producers and actors and coaches and all sorts of people. And we did activities where everybody could participate. We did a flash mob song so everybody could be part of the performance. Everybody could learn the lines to that beautiful song, Chosen Family. We did an art class where Lee was our model, but we did it in a way that everybody could participate. You didn't have to be an artist. And one of our friends who's an artist walked us through an art class that we could all do. And we all did beautiful portraits, stick figures, all different mediums, art. And then what was the last one I wanted to share? Oh, and then we all did, brought photos and did art. We did vision board type art collages for a book. And we brought a typewriter and invited everybody to write a line or two or poetry about our beloved Lee. And we circled. Oh, and we circled like 100 times around a campfire. But, and everybody could participate in that. That was the giant circle was that everybody could be who they are. They didn't have to be a specialist in anything to participate in everything. Yeah. Wait, I'm leaping a little bit and sort of left turning and taking it back. But when do you feel loved in small ways? Like I said, the example, like I love, like I feel very cozy in a sleepover. Is there a recent example? Yeah. You know, I'm going to say this. I'm going to say when I'm, when I'm really open to receiving, I feel the most loved. So if, you know, my kid comes home and calls me and says, Hey, uh, I'm swinging by a coffee shop. Do you want one? Right. Beautiful, sweet, active love. it's my receiving and, and joy that I feel. That's when I feel the most love. I can say like, oh, you're so thoughtful. Thank you for thinking of me. Yes, I would love a green tea matcha latte with oat milk, but it's, it's actually the receiving it's in the connection. It's in the moment that I say yes. And thank you more, please. It could be bigger, little, but I think that's what I'm learning. It's not the act, it's the receiving. So, okay, there's that. And then there's also when I am feeling seen, that's my love language and understood. I mean, when someone understands something that I'm trying to say to them, they're like, hmm, yeah, no, I really, I really hear you. That is a love language to me. Like my kids are very good at doing that. And when they do that, I feel really loved. And I love to create and hold space for others. So my love language is when someone does that for me, I'm putty in their hands. I am. It's the balance. It's the alignment. It's the giving and the receiving. When that's happening, that's my love language. I mean, I can hold space for anybody, right? It's one of the things that I do for my livelihood. But and when someone's doing it with me and for me at the same time, that's it. That's what life's all about for me. And you mean not necessarily in a circle, but just in general? general when you're feeling held? In a conversation around a dinner table, I've learned how to do it all on my own too. As a kid, I have that too. And I can. I can sit at a dinner table, somebody else's dinner table, and I can hold space and be polite and nobody's doing anything really in my direction in that regard. And I'm fine. And I'm fine. But what do I love, love, love, love, love, love, what lights me up is when it's flowing both ways. Right. Got it. I was going to ask before you started saying that, do you have a, I don't know, a person or a book, anything where you feel like they taught you about love or like you really learned about love from a source? You know what two books that instantly come to mind I read a million years ago, early 90s, late, no, late 90s. And they were A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson and A Woman's Worth by Marianne Williamson and A Path to Love by Deepak Chopra. When I read those three books around the same time, I was 27, 28, Saturn Returned, and I was like, wait, what? This is love? Oh, I thought love was needy and desperate and over romanticized and I'm in pain and suffering and Romeo and Juliet. And I was like, oh, wait, love is about self-love and internal love and nature love. And like, I just changed my whole understanding about love. Those three books. I knew about family love. I knew I had experience, like I knew my parents loved me and my brother. And but this was this was next level. level. This was some deep, eye-opening stuff. Wow. I haven't read any of those books. Which is why you find this so fascinating. But it was, you know, it was the beginning of understanding, you know, codependency was not love. Codependency was fear. Codependency was lack of self-worth. Codependency was, I have to ask you how you're feeling to understand how I'm feeling because I have no sense of myself or my inner world. And I don't even know what self-love is. Yeah, a woman's worth. I used to give it to every young person I know. I'll get it for you for your nuptials when you get married. It helped me understand self-love. You know, that sex wasn't love, that sharing your body was like really an intimate, intimate, sacred act. No one had really shared it in that way that I understood it as a self-love. It was always like more shaming, you know, like don't have sex until you're in love and don't do this and don't do it until you're married. And it was always very like punitive. And this was more sacred and loving yourself. and like, no, you decide when it's right to share your body with someone else, a woman's worth. That was some radical stuff. Bam Bam In fact I wanna go like read the book again right now but I used to give it to every young person because i wanted them to have that sense of self and self and i still circle about it all the time about what is self-love how do we get there how do we practice it what does it look like taste like feel like i learned about self-love sitting with other women who were practicing it and living it. And I was like, that's what it looks like. That's what it sounds like. And this is how they're doing it. I want that because they're magnificent. Look at these women who love themselves, who aren't living for somebody else or just living to get attention. I was, I certainly was. When I was younger, I was like, I thought if I got attention, I was loved. Right? If I got, and I was, and you just had to give me a little attention to get a lot of love from me. And that's when I started to learn. Took me a long time. Took me a while. And I'm still learning. Hashtag, I'm still learning. Hashtag, not done with my changes. you brought up another crazy great question for me learning how to love better so you already said like where did you learn about love beyond like your family of origin how do we learn how to love better I've learned it in circles and knowing and knowing your basically your core wound because that's what we circle back to to get love for and from is our core wound and the women in my chosen family you included we share so much that we know what our wounds are and some of us handle each other really gently like it was funny the other day one of my core wounds is not being thought of and feeling left out. Okay. Funny, not funny. And if I don't keep an eye on it, I can run away with it. Yeah. And, uh, there was a photo that was circulated and I was not in the photo. You were not there yet. I was not in the photo, Emily. And I, and I didn't even have to make the joke, which I'm known to do. I didn't even have to make the joke before one of the women on the chain said, Oh, wait, hold on. We must Photoshop Dre in. And I said, thank you for knowing me. And thank you before I had to actually question who my real friends are, that somebody would circulate a photo without me in it that I absolutely should have been in. Anyway, like joking, but yes, like I, I know how to identify and work with my wounds, but it's also great when your friends do too. Yes. But it's funny because there's an ounce of truth in it or it's emblematic of the truth. And thankfully you have a great sense of humor. So yeah, and really, and really for me, how, how lucky, how lucky we are that we constantly get to work on our own self-love. I think that's, I think that's the key. And our own self-love is also being able to express our love. And the other side of that is, and finding people who are willing to receive it. I think I'm trying to connect it to chosen family is not just finding people to love you. Chosen family are people who are willing to love you and to be loved by you. And the more we do that, the more we get to experience our own self-love. Yes. And, and final circle back, but you were talking about seeing women in the circle and, and, um, seeing the way they love themselves and saying, and, and then believing that you could do that for yourself. And just this idea of you having to see it to believe it. that is, I think, what I've been experiencing over the past few weeks with Chosen Family. Like I've been seeing it. I've been feeling it. I've been experiencing it. And now I feel like it's my religion. Like this is the way I want to be in the world. I'm remembering this moment, and I'm going to paraphrase because I don't think it's a direct quote, but we were with Kristen the last time about a month ago. And she said something about how like all children are our children, right? Like she, she, you know, if you think about, if you understand that we're all these spirits in these just physical bodies, then, then, you know, you'd realize that it's not just that I have my children and you have your children. Like they're all of our children. We all share this. Yeah, I don't want to speak for her, but she said that and I was like, wow, that's a lot to take on in my head in that moment. And then over the past few weeks, I've seen so closely how she, you, Lee, your circle lives that. And it's not just like this. It's actually not too much to take on. It's actually, or you make it look pretty easy. make it look pretty natural. And it's not that easy. Lee and Kristen are a handful. I hope to come back in another episode with some grand takeaway. I don't have it right now. All I have is like a big bleeding, beating heart beat. And I do think that, yeah, that this is my remedy right now. And beautiful. And I have the benefit of being able to sit with you and laugh with you. And I get to make you cry. I'd love to make you cry. It's one of my favorite things to do when I torture you with things like, you know, when I'm gone, you're going to miss me. Oh, my God. Because I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed with this notion that we're here for a blip. and then we leave our bodies and then we return to the spirit realm where we shall all meet again. And that's the other thing that's lighting me up before we close is, you know, I did this death doula training and I'm still in the process of completing it, but it has given me more appreciation for life and for love and for the moment. And all we have is this moment, which brings me to two things I'm obsessed with. Come See Me in the Good Light, the documentary about the poet laureate, Andrea Gibson, who passed away, and her journey, her health journey with cancer. And she only passed away six months ago. And this documentary is out, and it is beautiful. I want everybody to see it. It's joyful. It's funny. It's about life. It's about death. It's about love. It's really a love story. And the song at the end, which is Salt to Sour to Sweet by Andrea Gibson. It's like an unfinished poem that she wrote. And Sara Bareilles wrote the music and finished the lyrics. And it's with Brandy Carlile. And I just want everybody to know about it to make their life even more sweet and alive and full of love. Wow. Yes. Okay. Yes. And what an endorsement. Yes. What an endorsement. It's, I mean, I could watch it and I will watch it many more times. I've seen it a couple of times now, but it's, it's basically the meaning of life to love and to be loved. And happy Valentine's day. Oh yeah. Happy Valentine's day. That's coming up. Oh, and another thing. So the loneliness epidemic, apparently we haven't solved it and it's still raging. So we want to hear from you, the things that are resonating. Thank you for being a supporter of this podcast. Please subscribe. Subscribing is the biggest thing. Please subscribe and share it with your friends and share with us your takeaways. Right, Em? Yes. Yes. DM us, email us and... Email us at circlethispod at gmail.com. Yes. Or follow us at circle this podcast on Instagram. And yeah, share your connection stories. Oh, yeah. We want to hear what you're doing that keeps you connected to yourself, to something higher, your higher power or source, and to one another. Yeah. It's like, I don't know the cure for cancer, but we can cure this epidemic. You know, it's- Well, connection apparently is better for your health than anything else. So we do have one of the remedies is connection, is community. It's so great to be back. I love you so much. Here's to celebrating love and good talk. Good talk. No, really good talk. This podcast is executive produced by me, Andrea Bendewald and Emily Cratter, produced, edited and distributed by Tracy Thomas and Good Mess Media. You can follow us on Instagram at Andrea Bendewald and circle this podcast. And for more information about me and what I do, you can go to theartofcircling.com. Thanks for listening.