Before we get into the episode, we wanted to let you know there will be a limited time Mother's Day sale on the bootcamp parenting courses starting at 10 a.m. Pacific time on Wednesday, May 6th, 2026. If you want to know more, visit bratbusters.com. Please note this discount will be exclusive to the bootcamps and will not apply to coaching services. She's definitely trained you and she knows it and you've got to be willing to go through the fit scenes meltdowns and tantrums. That's what gets in the way with all this. Parents say they're going to go berserk if I do that and I'm like, so you've got to show that that is not going to get you to do what you want to do. My main question is about connection after a tantrum. What can that look like? I find that not all scenarios allow me the opportunity to connect with her afterwards. I don't think I talk a lot about that, but I should maybe more. But yeah, that's an easy one. Welcome to the bratbusters parenting podcast. My name is Lisa Bunnage. I'm a parenting coach. My mom. I'm also a grandmother. And I'm Amy Bunnage, Lisa's daughter. And I handle the marketing and planning here at bratbusters. While I don't have kids, each episode will dive into parenting topics and Lisa will answer your questions. Let's get started. Okay, sweetie. What is today's topic? Today's topic is are your child's tantrums too loud? Too loud. Aren't they always too loud? Is that even a question? Are they too loud? Yes. Okay, next next podcast, I think we'll start. Well, we do have some parenting questions about tantrums in general. But I think if this is your, let's say it's your first child, let's say you haven't been in a lot of places with children before, you may experience a tantrum for the first time and be like, what the heck is this? Okay. It, okay, too loud, too long, too violent, too scary. I mean, they're there. They put on quite the show. It's quite the theater. So yeah, I'm sure we'll get into all that. How, how loud can tantrums be? I want you to tell me on a decibel basis or I don't have a decibel measure or thing. But yeah, they're ear piercing sometimes. But they, I would say tantrums, true tantrum, once they get into it, it's not continuous high pitch screaming. It's more just this crying, this angry cry. But yeah, the high pitch screaming, that can be done without a tantrum too. So they can be loud when they're mad. And they're not tantruming. But yeah, tantrums generally are pretty loud. They're usually kicking and screaming and crying. And, but in order to sustain that over a period of five, 20 minutes or whatever, they usually don't sustain the loudness as much, but they can be pretty violent the whole time, like kicking and that sort of stuff. They can keep that up longer than they tend to scream. Now, I'm sure we'll get more into your approach on tantrums as we go through the parenting questions. But I think that's something that is a little bit more nuanced is, let's say, I think if you live in a big house where you don't have neighbors close by, like it doesn't really matter in the sense of like, if the child's being louder, like you don't have the worry. But let's say you're out in public or you have a sleeping baby in the next room or you live in a condo, like how do you handle that? That's a tough question for me to answer because you can't always do something. And you already said, if you have a sleeping baby in the next room, I was going to suggest that you take the screaming tantrum kid down to the park or something or down, if you live really close to a park, you just take him somewhere like somewhere else. A park, it could be a parking lot or maybe just a little green space next door. I didn't mean the park to go in the swing or anything, but I meant just somewhere outside or in a garage or in a bathroom, turn the fan on, but that doesn't always do it. But yeah, you can't, but if you've got a baby who's sleeping and you got a kid who's tantrumming and you live in a small apartment with neighbors who can't handle a tantrum, I can't help you with that. Like you've just got to let it go. If it's really that bad and you're going to lose your apartment and be kicked out, you're going to have to give into that tantrum. Sorry, but it's the only way. If you're going to lose your home, you might have to give into the tantrum. Priorities here, right? Now, what age do you find that children can to get into tantrums and then also end tantrums? Well, as a newborn, a newborn who's really hungry and maybe it can't get on the, hang on to the bottle or the breast quick enough, they might start screaming and turning red. You know how they do a really, a newborn can even start having tantrums. So it's just this different temperament. They don't have patience. They tend to just scream more, you know, right from day one. So it can start in day one, but a real tantrum usually starts at around one to one and a half. That's when you'll see them sometimes not till two, but usually one, one and a half, you'll see it coming. Okay, do you want to get right into the parenting questions for this? Sure, I've got a lot I could say, but I think it'll probably all come out during the questions. Okay, if not, we'll wrap it up at the end. Okay, okay, we have Abby from the United States. I have a four year old son who is still having tantrums where he will scream, stomp his feet, throw things and we'll hit. I start implementing things that you talk about like ignoring the tantrum, however we live in an upper unit apartment and our downstairs neighbor will complain every time our son stomps his feet. It's been really hard to ignore these tantrums when I need them to stop right away so the noise doesn't get too loud. Is there anything you recommend? Yeah, I'd probably put him on a bed and just hold him there while he's having his tantrum, but don't look at him or talk to him so we can stomp his feet on the bed, but it's not going to bother the neighbor, I'm assuming. So yeah, that's what I would do. You got to manage it. It's going to get ugly by the way. And if you have to restrain them in some way, like keeping him on a bed, just do it safely obviously, but if you have to restrain them, it will accelerate the tantrum, make it worse. That's okay. You're doing what you need to do. Don't worry about that. You know, often parents say, yeah, he'll get so much worse and I'm like, that's okay. Don't worry about that. Do what you need to do, but don't worry about their reaction because they're already going crazy anyway. So what if they go a little bit crazier? That's okay. And then he's four. You could even say to him, I wouldn't say it maybe ahead of time, would I or wouldn't I? I might at four years old. I might say, I'll tell you what. And don't say when you have a tantrum because I never discuss tantrums. So say, I'll tell you what, if you're going to stomp on the floor, I'm going to have to take you up on the bed so you can't disturb the neighbors. Just so you know, in future, if you do stomp around, then I'm going to have to put you on the bed. So don't mention tantrums. So remember, we never discussed tantrums. So I might tell him ahead of time so that he understands why you put him on the bed, you know, and he's four. He'll remember that. Why do you never discuss tantrums? Well, there's no point because they're not bad behavior. There are loss of emotional control, not getting their own way. It's based on anger. And there's just no point in discussing them. I don't discuss anything negative unless it's going to get a good result. There's no point. Absolutely no point. Also, you're kind of feeding it. When you discuss tantrums, it's giving a lot of weight. It means it must be important to you. You see, it makes you look weaker. It just does. I pretend like it means nothing to me. And if I was to discuss it, it obviously means something to me. So it gives them a bit more power. What if someone's listening and they feel like that's pretty dismissive of your child's feelings? It's not based on feelings and emotions. It's just anger. And that's okay. You do not need to address that. It's based on anger that you've done the right thing, I'm assuming, right? You turned off the TV because it's time to turn it off. So it's anger at a result of the right thing being done. Then that's not based on big feelings and big emotions. It's just not that it's based on a loss of emotional control and not getting their own way. And that's okay. That's a feeling if you want to call it that. That's a, well, it's still a feeling, but that's a feeling you want to ignore. You got to deal with the fact that not everything's going to go your own way, kiddo. So it's not a feeling that you want to address. And then you often talk about the difference between the tantrums over the wants and the needs. Yeah, their wants and needs are completely different. Most tantrums that we're talking about are over the wants. If they're having a tantrum, pardon me, because they're sick, or they're overly tired, then you get them to bed, or you give them medicine or do whatever you've got to do to look after them when they're sick. So you meet their needs and manage their wants. Okay, I would never ignore a kid who's having a tantrum because they're sick. I just wouldn't. I would address, I would take it. Are your kids driving you nuts? They don't have to. Check out bratbusters.com for my boot camp courses. If you want to learn how to become a leader. For them. Okay, the next one is Desi from the United States. Teller's acting out because he's jealous of his three month old sibling. Behavior has been an issue since bringing him home because months now busier and not giving full undivided attention. If I remove myself with a baby for my tantruming two and a half year old, do I not engage with the baby and wait for the two and a half year old to be done? Because it sparks more jealousy or resentment to the baby. I'm so confused on what the demeanor is with the older child. Now that I have my second child, my two and a half year old is starting to yell tantrum and disobeying behavior has gotten worse. Okay, this is okay. I don't know how old he is though. Like some people call a three and a four year old a toddler. Two and a half. Two and a half. Okay, I didn't hear that. Okay. Two and a half year old. Okay. So he's only two and a half. You got a newborn and then you said, should I not give the newborn attention because it makes it worse? I wouldn't because when they're having a tantrum, I would deal with the newborn's issues. Like if you got to change their diaper or something, but I wouldn't talk to them. And I often say this, when you're ignoring a tantrum, you want to be near them so they can see you ignoring the tantrum, but you don't look on your phone and you don't get into a conversation. You want to look like you're waiting for that tantrum to end, but you're not looking at them or talking to them. It's important that they know you know they're having a tantrum, but your reaction is whatever. I'm just here waiting for it to finish. Okay. So if you're talking to a baby, it's still kind of, it's still kind of rude unless you have to. Okay. If you have to, that's different. But I wouldn't fuss over the baby when the toddler is having a tantrum. No. Also make him a basket or several baskets. I used to, I'd call them feeding baskets. So, so I use this with a lot of clients and I say, so whenever you're feeding the baby, one of those baskets comes out and that's his activity basket and make them, the reason why you want to have several is you want them to have lots of different things to choose from, right? So, and you choose the basket though, or he can choose it, whatever, but just one, the problem with letting them choose stuff like that is while you're sitting down breastfeeding or just bottle feeding the baby, they often want to change the basket if you're the, if you're giving them choices. So sometimes it's best not to just say, okay, today is Tuesday's basket is this one. So make it sound like that's the only option. Pull down the basket and while you're feeding the baby, you're talking to the toddler while he's playing with these activities. It might just be a little book that you're going to read to him. It's usually just dollar store stuff. It's no big deal, right? But he only sees it while you're feeding the baby. So he associates you giving attention to the baby or feeding the baby with something fun for him too. Bring them in. Bring them into it. Yeah, make him the hero too. Oh, look at the baby looking at you. You don't want to make them a leader when you've got older siblings and little ones. You don't want to make the older ones leaders because you're the leader. You want to make them the heroes. Look at the baby. Look at him looking at you. Oh, he loves you. Start talking like that too. Or maybe you can read a book to the baby. Show the, show the toy to your, to the baby. You see? Oh, he loves you. So set him up as a hero. He's little for that, but he might still like it. But he will like the basket. It's stuff he never sees otherwise. Okay, the next one is Kaley from the United States. 30 month old has to be doing something at all times. Never stops. And it's mostly destructive and being mean to her 10 month old sister when we're not directly involved in her play. I'm modeling, sharing and trading toys, switching up our toy closet every week and spend at least 30 minutes doing a big girl project with her every weekday. So crafts and coloring and things she has to do. She has sibling time, mummy time, and her dad takes her on a run whenever he gets home. So she gets lots of playtime and switches her environment, but it's never enough. She throws hits, mother screams and runs when we ask her to do something. I'm much more calm than I was a year ago. But when I have to get something done, like washing dishes or making meals, I can't always be right in the middle of them. And they are running around the house. There's no way that we can just read a book on the kitchen floor and do dance parties and sing alongs does not interest her. I'm trying to have her do a chore. So something she asks you constantly, but she makes a point to even create more of a mess when she knows she's in trouble. Help. Okay, she's got your her hostages. She in the new said, she has to be doing something at all times. Yeah, that's okay. But she can be independent playing too. She doesn't need you to be juggling for her all day long. So let her have that I'm thinking that you're probably upset because she's probably having scenes and screaming and yelling, let her go through that. And what I would do is I would use a timer. I'm going to say, look, I'm going to play with you for 20 minutes. And then I'm going to go do the dishes. So you set this precedent ahead of time, put the timer on when that dinger goes, she'll start to associate that with you getting up and leaving and doing something else. So you're going to train her as it stands, she's trained you. Okay, she's trained you to react all this. If I said, I'm going to play for 20 minutes, then I'm going to get up and do the dishes. As soon as that alarm goes off, I said, okay, I'm going to do the dishes now. And you're playing with something that she can continue playing with. I really like creative toys and stuff that you don't necessarily like. I wouldn't do puppets if I was going to get up and leave because then your puppet leaves, right? So it would be something that she's building or whatever, something she can continue on her own. And you're going to start training her instead of her training you. Just envisioning the puppet just walking away. The puppet going away, the conversation ends. Yeah. So have it something where she can continue without you. Or just have the puppet sitting there meditating all by itself on its back. It's just quiet time for the puppet. Yeah, he just looks like he's in a coma. Okay, so yeah, you got to train her. She's definitely trained you and she knows it. And you've got to be willing to go through the fit scenes, meltdowns and tantrums. That's what gets in the way with all this. Parents say, they're going to go berserk if I do that. And I'm like, so you've got to show that that is not going to get you to do what you want to do. Like you got to stop empowering them with these fit scenes, meltdowns and tantrums. See, as soon as you get upset about over that, they just won. They're in charge and they know it. So you can get upset, but you can't show it. Okay. It's their fit scenes, meltdowns and tantrums is what is controlling you, I'm assuming. One final question is Miranda from Canada. I have a 21-month old and I really feel like the toddler years have begun. My main question is about connection after a tantrum. What can that look like? I find that not all scenarios allow me the opportunity to connect with her afterwards. So for example, if I'm getting ready, she might throw a tantrum. I choose to ignore it until she's done. However, I don't necessarily have time to go and play. I usually just chat with her and pat her head or something like that. I find them in a scenario like this a lot, like her having a tantrum in the car and the store when the tantrum is done. I can't just go and read a book with her or something of sorts is what I do for connection enough after the tantrum. If I'm at home and have the whole day, I'll just go and play with her. But I don't always have that. Yeah. I don't think I talk a lot about that, but I should maybe more. But yeah, that's an easy one. You just can sing. You say, oh, y'all done? Okay. Do you want to sing a song? Oh, McDonald had a farm. You see? And then if she starts up again, go, whoops, never mind and stop again if she starts screaming again. So yeah, it can just be singing. It doesn't have to be, you don't have to sit down and play with them for an hour. It can be like a 30-second song. That's connection. So I don't make that clear enough. I don't talk like that enough. People don't ask about connection nearly as much as they do about correction. That's why I don't talk about it as much. But yeah, the connection is everything to me. Let's say someone's listening and they're like, I'm just not a singer, Lisa. What else would you do? Well, Lisa might just say, oh, remember the other day we went like, talking is the connection. Looking at them, talking to them. That's the connection. So it doesn't matter what you say or do really, you're just, because you weren't looking at them or talking to them. You were ignoring the tantrum, right? No eye contact, no talking. Soon as they stop, oh, y'all done? Oh, remember when we went to the park the other day? We can do that again someday or something. You see, just talk to them. Okay. Well, that was it for the questions, Lisa. Lisa. Okay, Amor. Okay. So how loud it's, are tantrums too loud? Was that the, the, our tantrums too loud? Yeah. It's just part of having kids. They're very loud because it gets attention. And even, you know, babies, they scream, it's not quiet. So children are born to sort of use their voices because that's all they've got when they're little. When they're newborns in that, that's all they've got. So they're used to using their voices that are really high, would you say decibel, really high decibel? So they used to doing that. You want to train them out of that. They don't need to say hello at the highest decibel or whatever, or please, you know, they tend to use everything at a really high decibel. They're coming out of babyhood. So it's completely normal, but tantrums, that's when there's a lot of heated anger involved and they're mad because something didn't go their own way. They're going to get up there. They're going to get loud. And that's just normal. It's just part of it. But you can't stop this stuff. Like you can just, it eases up over a period of time. The only way to actually stop a tantrum, it doesn't even always work, is to give them exactly what they're tantrumming over. Sure, you can have another chocolate bar or something. You know, it's ridiculous. You don't want to stop it that way. And even then it doesn't even always work because they get so wound up. They can't even stop themselves sometimes. But your calmness, your waiting is what calms them down over a period of time. Tantrums will eventually diminish in frequency and intensity and duration over a period of time. They're not going to stop overnight. Not all kids have them. It's something they're born to do. It's in their DNA, right? And you can usually see it coming when they're little, you know, like one and a half or one, you can use, or even before that sometimes. So yeah, it's not your fault that they have tantrums, but it is sort of your job to train them out of them. Because the sooner you get rid of those tantrums by about three, three and a half, they should be over with. So long as you're a leader and just following through with this, they'll just stop having them because past that age, they only do what works. If tantrums never works, they're going to stop doing them. They're not like us adults. We're stupid or I am, anyway. I keep doing the same thing over and over a year after you're expecting different results. It's ridiculous. But I keep doing it because adults do that. Children don't. If something doesn't work, they move on to something else, right? They're smarter than us that way. I think that's a great place to end. Okay, thanks so much for listening and we'll be back again soon talking about another parenting topic. Happy parenting. Thanks for tuning in. If you're ready to dive deeper, check out bratbusters.com to learn more about the behavior board, parenting courses, and private 101 coaching with Lisa. 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