EP 49: Shooting The Bull With Becka Hamel

Disclaimer. At Two Addicts in the Moron, we discuss personal stories of addiction with the intention of being educational, relatable, and inspirational. The views and experiences shared are those of individuals involved are not meant to glorify or condone any illegal or harmful behavior. This content is for educational purposes only and is not intended as professional advice. If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, we strongly encourage you seek help from a qualified professional or support service. And just like that, we are back to another episode of Two Addicts in the Moron. Yes, we are. Very excited today. We've got a very special guest in the house, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Becca. Why'd you? Why'd you laugh? I don't know. Hey, Miss Becca everybody. Miss Becca. Hey. Hello. Hey, how you doing? I'm good. How are you guys? Good. Thanks for coming on. Thanks for having me. Yeah. I was super nervous. Why? Let's talk about it right now. Let's work it out. I mean, there's cameras and cameras. There's a fancy microphone. And I'm sitting in a corner brick wall. It's a little suspect. With graffiti on it. It seems a little man of a feeling like I've been here before. You can definitely tell it a meth addict built this. Yeah. For sure. Yeah. Yeah. It's super cool though. But now that you've explained that, that makes total sense. You know? Because most people come on here and they're like, I'm super nervous. And I'm like, why? And they're like, yeah. I mean, you explained that beautifully though. You're like brick walls, graffiti, walls, graffiti, cameras, I go nose. Tissues. I feel like I've been here before. Yeah. Yep. Our sober water tissue box. Thanks, sober water. He sent us some water too. Oh, he sent me a message. Nice. Oh, fancy. Thank you. Thank you, Ryan. Oh, he sent us some more water. Happy birthday to you. He had a birthday the other day. I think. Happy birthday. Yeah, man. Happy Valentine's Day too. Happy Valentine's Day all of it. Happy birthday, Ryan. I have no idea who you are, but you sound like a great dude. Yeah. He was on the podcast before. Wait, it's a dude, right? He signed. Yeah. He owns sober water. Yeah. Oh, fancy. Yeah. Super fancy. Thing that almost just came. Well, now permission to speak freely. Say whatever you want. We're going to ask you some questions here. We're going to get into it. And I'm pretty stoked to hear about your story. But we are going to introduce ourselves again. And we're also going to get back to the moment of silence. We missed it last week. Yeah, absolutely. So in the middle, Joey, the moron. Off to my left. To the far left, Mike Stuboy recovered addict meth GHB. And I am Becca. I'm an alcoholic and an addict. All right. Welcome. Welcome aboard. Take it away, sir. I'm a non-animalist. I've never done this one, but we're going to bow our heads and say a little prayer for the addicts who still suffers out there for the families that have lost people along the way. The children that cannot have no that have no choice in this. And for the ones that we loved along the way, let them know that we miss them. We love them moment of silence. Thank you. It's a little shaky. Yeah, you were nervous during that. Got a little nervous there. You were a little nervous. Yeah, that's okay. I felt like the first time someone, you know. Well, that was a long time ago. All right. All right. So, Miss Becca, how long? Let me rephrase that. Miss Becca, what do I always ask? How long have you been sober? Yeah. How long have you been sober? Over five and a half years. I'll have six years. April 6th. Yeah. Wow. God willing. Yeah. Congratulations. That's dope. Congratulations, guys. There's a lot of help along the way. And you touched on it. You said alcoholic, which I'm always very intrigued with. Alcoholics. Very much so. Yeah. I, because that's everywhere, right? Oh, yeah. It's everywhere and it's legal. You don't hurt anybody but yourself when you do it and it's drug. You're poisoning yourself every time and it's not like you're seeing meth being smoked on the front porch across the street. But you will. You can see a guy crushing an 18 pack across the street, you know, and nobody's in a bad and I had it. Well, and I think there's so much of like a stigma behind like, you know, an alcoholic. It's like a lot of times people view an alcoholic as like, you know, when they go to withdraw, they're shaking. It's like just they're never sober, right? Like they are consistently drinking day in and day out and like that's what is deemed an alcoholic. Um, but it was brought to my attention early on when, you know, I didn't identify as an alcoholic at first. I knew I had an issue. I mean, yeah, kind of. I'd be convinced based off from like what I had done and you know, my first sponsor was like, you really don't think and I'm like, no, and she like listed everything out and I was like, I mean, it sounds a little irrational. But when it came to alcohol, like I just, I really didn't think I did cause I didn't drink day in and day out, you know, but I knew when I drank, I didn't drink for the taste. I was like, people drink for the taste. What the fuck? Um, I drank. I mean, it just, it was to get away. Yeah. So much easier. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's a drug just like all the others. No doubt. Just way more acceptable, way more acceptable and accessible. Yes. Way more accessible. Oh yeah. So I tell a story about mine. I think I've told it before, but like year or two ago, I was really scared that I was an alcoholic. Yeah. And yeah, I was like, I was pretty frightened because I didn't really remember the last time I didn't have a drink. And it was, it was a while and you know, some stuff, divorce, all that kind of things were happening and, um, and so the stigma in my head too was like, I'm going to stop because the only way I'm going to find out if I am is if I don't. Yeah. So I was like, I'm, I'm out for a while for just didn't put a day on it or anything like that. But I, so those, that first week, I was really nervous because like, am I going to start like having physical repercussions? You know, but that's again, moronic brain, right? Thinking you, you know, like I'm going to start having physical repercussions from doing this. Yeah. And I didn't. And then I got like a breath of fresh air. I was like, Oh, I can like not do this. I'm not an alcoholic. And everything kind of got better. I was like, I'm sleeping better. I'm waking up better. I'm like, everything just got a little bit better as time ticked on. Yeah. So yeah. Well, um, how long were you in the fight? Um, I mean, so it was like off and on and I'll say off and on because, um, I had two kids in between, um, like stance, I guess you could say, but started drinking probably around 15, 16. Um, and then I did straight to cocaine rate at 17, you know, marijuana, all that, um, high school kind of shit. And then went straight into cocaine and then ecstasy and then pressed meth. Um, and it just kind of was like, I didn't, I was very naive. I didn't know, you know, someone was like, Oh, this is ecstasy. And I'm like, I was like really scared at first. I remember laying down on the couch like, and I was like, this was scared. Oh, is it going to hit? Am I going to die? Am I going to die? And like, I remember as soon as it hit, I just like sat up almost like levitated. It was like, let's go. Yeah. You know, and like in that moment was when I was like, I want to feel like this all the time, all the time, like no anxiety, no net nothing, just totally free from everything. Yeah. So you said pressed meth. What is that? Um, so from what I would, you know, what I saw, you know, it's like those like triple stack green aliens, blue dolphins and shit like that. Um, I guess what it is just pressed meth. I never really got into it. I guess they grind it up. I don't know. Does anyone have any idea? I've never heard of it. It's from my understanding, which people are probably going to come at me. Um, it's just ground up meth. Maybe some MDMA in there and put it in a pill form, put it in a pill form with a pretty little dolphin on it or a green alien or, you know, all these crazy names. So is it just ecstasy? Just like meth based ecstasy. Based ecstasy. I think it was more meth than the MDMA kind of shit in there, but, um, I never really asked questions. It was only when I just never asked questions. It was only when, you know, one of my friends, I was like, we should get some more of like the ecstasy and she's like, it's not ecstasy. Yeah. Well, I would never do anything else. She's like, but you did hair. Are you did a, you did meth. Yeah. And I was like, and then there was a heroin based one. That was awful. That was terrible, terrible. I never, I knew in that moment, like I never wanted to do heroin again. They all made you do different. They all made you feel different things and see different things. That one, I was sick as a fucking dog. I remember being at my like wannabe drug dealer boyfriend, like his house and his mom did not speak a lick of English and I am vomiting all over her house and like he's got me in the shower and like running a cold shower, screaming at me and I was like, I'm dying. And then I don't know what happened, but I woke up and was like, we're doing that one again. There's the other ones. Not that just not that one. Check that one off. Yeah. So you said about 16. You were in the fight up until about six years ago. So I think it was 20. I think it was 25 when I got sober. Okay. And I think, you know, I made it that long. Like it wasn't until I hit 16 that I really started to explore things because I was a competitive gymnast growing up very strict, very like just structure discipline, you know, yeah, like you, if you don't follow directions, then you're running for the entire practice. And I was like, yeah, I'm doing that. And then, you know, I was also adopted too. And I have the best parents ever. But it's like, I always had that like, I want to be good enough kind of thing. Like I don't, it started at such a young age. Like I already didn't feel good enough because my birth mother gave me up for adoption and then when MIA disappeared until I was, until I found her at 25. And so it was like, I needed to behave. I need to do what I needed to do for my parents and for gymnastics. I just, I had to succeed. And if I didn't, I always felt that no one was ever going to want me. So once I hit 16, you know, I had an injury and I ended up quitting gymnastics because when you're 15, 16, you're old. Yeah. And gymnastics. That's it. You know, so by the time I came back, it just was like, it's pointless. And I was getting, I just was exhausted from it. I've been competing since I was six. So I was like, I'm just, I'm just done. Um, and then I went from a Catholic school to public school, um, up in Maine is where I'm from. Okay. And the only thing that you do in Maine is you hunt, you drink and you swim. And you can only swim a couple of months out of the year. So you're hunting and you're drinking. And we would always have like bonfires in the forest. Like no one's going to find you. And so it was in that moment where, um, I got just lit the first time I ever drank and like it just took off and then went all the way into like, it was pretty quick. Once I moved down here is when it really took off. Um, when you move here, right? When I turned 16, uh, me and my mom, my dad had moved down here, uh, cause he was, we were relocating all my family is still up there. My brother is, um, but I was having a lot of issues with my mom during this time. Um, so she sent me down here with my dad probably month after I turned 16 and he worked nights. He worked the night shift. So I was like, golden, you know, and, um, that's when you like it, the drinking, the marijuana, they, I mean, it really took off. Um, and then about 17 is when 17, yeah, like 17, 18 is when I went deep into, um, any pill drinking, just partying, always partying. Yeah. And was there a point where you realized that you had a problem? Um, I think, I think, so it's funny because I know I drank differently, but like all through high school when I was drinking, like when, you know, I, I went to Maynard high school when I first moved down here. Um, and I mean, I was drinking with them. I was smoking weed. Everything was cool. Um, and it wasn't until I didn't know that, you know, there's like this issue with, uh, darker skin, black girls and lighter skin, black girls. I'm coming for Maine. There's no black people. I'm like, black people, I get to be friends with them finally. And I just remember being so drunk at, uh, junior year homecoming and I ended up getting jumped by four black girls that are darker than me. And we were friends and I was like, I don't know what's happening. Um, and I mean, they beat the dog crap out of me. They just beat me and I remember them saying, you know, you yellow bones. So we take our men and I was like, who's man was I taking? I'm at that point, I liked a girl. Yeah. I was like, I think a. And like I liked her, but I was like, then I really thought about it and I was like, God, what a wild time. Um, and so when I moved over to McNeil high school, my senior year, it's where I met one of your guests, uh, black Rob. Yeah. And he was actually my high school drug dealer. Um, I was just, I was just about to mention him because he had a very similar tale to yours like on here. Yeah. Yeah. So like that same kind of like, you know, I, I always wanted to like fit in with the white people and I was thought I'd like the white people and you know, I hate saying that, but at the same time, it's like, you know, I always for a long time, I didn't even know I was black. It wasn't until like, you know, I started seeing things and people started saying things and that's when I was like, wait, cause you know, my parents are white. Yeah. So, um, you know, yeah, me and him kind of had the same situation where in the beginning, you know, I, I just acted like a white girl. Yeah. The whitest black person I've ever met. And I'm like, okay. Yeah. Um, and then I wanted to fit in with the black people and they didn't want me. And so I was like, all right. Um, and so when I went over to McNeil, I kind of got a little bit of both worlds where it was like, you know, I was hanging out with some black people and I was hanging out with some white people and it was like, they party together. And so for me, it was great. I was like, okay, I can, you know, I can stay here in this bubble. Um, and I was dating this guy in high school who was really good friends with a Rob and they used to like throw these parties. I don't even know what they called themselves. It was like, it was like little group. At an apartment. Yeah. Yeah. He was talking about the apartment. And like people would like pay them to throw parties and because I was dating his friend, I just was, it was easy for me to just. Party. We were drunk. Yeah. Party. It was like, that's, that's what we do. Um, and it's for some reason, like, you know, God, I'm just, I was fucking so wild, just ridiculous, but, um, all through high school, like all through that year, you know, I partied heavy with Rob and with that group and I could hide in it and I could do just like crazy things. And it was like, oh, that's just Becca. You know, like, I remember in high school, I wouldn't get so drunk and then just like take my shirt off and like flash people. Um, which like, I didn't, I don't really remember doing that, but I know that I did it because it was always brought up. Yeah. Um, and that's when, you know, Rob, like, survived me when I did not have anything. Um, because I got a breast augmentation in my twenties, but, um, you know, so it's like for a long time that was like kind of embarrassing for me. Yeah. But it was one of those like, well, I'm just going to laugh about it. You know, it's easier if I laugh. So then everyone else can laugh. Um, and I think it just made me feel comfortable, like somewhat comfortable with knowing that I did that. I was like, oh, that's just Becca. Yeah. Um, so yeah. And then Robert, I remember, you know, when he started getting into like the heavier drugs and there was this, oh God, there's one time we were, it was me and some friends and I was in the car behind him. This is when I was like, something's like, things are starting to get kind of sketchy here. Uh, but you know, he needed to go and drop off like a ton of weed to Robert and we were seniors and so Robert didn't answer the door. And so we were like, well, he got to get to school. He lay. And so he's pulling into the parking lot and like almost like senior year is almost over. You see him pull in and all of a sudden you see drug, dog walk out. And we were like, no, no, no, no. Um, and I wasn't in that car. So I was like, yeah. Um, but it was kind of like in those kind of moments where I was like sketchy. Yeah. You know, um, but I didn't, I mean, I didn't stop me. Right. I was like, well, I didn't get caught. Yeah. I was lucky. Yeah. Like I was lucky. I got protected. We were at there. Yeah. I was like, well, and I was like, fuck him. I don't even like him. Yeah. Like I'm good. I graduated. Yeah. I was like, plus I was like, mommy and daddy's going to bail you out. So yeah, you know, that kind of thing. So it wasn't until yeah, like 18, 19, mainly 18 where I was like something might be a little bit off here. Um, and I think it wasn't until I came down that I was this emotional disaster. Yeah. Um, and my mom was like, what's going on? I think you're like just crazy. You're bipolar. You're depressed. You're this and I'm like, I'm not going to sit here and be like, no, mom, I've been high for the last fucking two years of my life and I don't know how to tell you. Yeah. Um, because once again, it kind of falls back into that. Like I need to be successful. Like you cannot know this about me. I don't want to let you down. Yeah. I don't want to let you down. I don't want you to not love me. I don't want to feel unwanted. Um, and it, I mean, it stems, it always stems from that five year old girl in me who wrote this letter to my birth mom and it was a very close adoption. So I never got a response and I had looked for her multiple times throughout the years and my parents kind of knew the outcome, but it was one of those like she's going to have to go through it. Um, and so I didn't want to show her like I'm this drug addict. Like what, you know, she's not going to want me. So I got to like just to be like, yeah, I'm depressed. It's so weird. Yeah. You know, um, but it really wasn't until I got pregnant at 19 and beauty. I was in beauty school and I met my father or not my father. Yeah, that's not me. My father. Wait a minute. That's my boy's dad. My two boys dad and like, oh, he just was like the love of. Um, but I, you know, I'm, I met him at a bar and kind of like what you were talking about, I was like, I need to prove to myself that I'm not a drug addict. And that I'm not now. Call it. Um, and so when I went out, I was like, I'm only drinking beer. Mind you, this is that Fort Hood. Like what am I doing here? Yeah. And so I, you know, and I stuck to it. I only drank beer and I met this guy and I was like, he just loves me. And I love him. Like this is incredible. Love it first sight, right? I like fucking 19 years old. Yeah. Trying to figure out like, am I a drug addict? It's happening. Am I just depressed? Yeah. You know, just losing it. Trauma bonding type stuff. Oh God. Fuck yeah. Yeah. Oh God. Yeah. That entire relationship was. Pro, I mean, I want to say that I was at the lowest of the low. Um, but really I was not at the lowest of the low until. Probably year this entire last year. So year four to five, I was at like my lowest. Um, but why are you were sober? Well, I was sober while I was stone cold sober. I had four years and I was, um, I mean, I was ready to put a bullet in my head. I just couldn't do it anymore. Um, but yeah, I, you know, I thought in that relationship, he was going to save me. And I remember like I, I remember when I found out I was pregnant, I was like, she's going to kill me. I can't do this. Like, oh my God, what? And I called her at work and I was like, I need to talk to you. And, um, I went to the doctor and I was like, just need birth control. She's like, actually jokes on you bitch. Yeah. No birth control. Yeah. I was like, uh, um, and so, you know, I went to my mom's work and sat down. I started crying and she's like, you're pregnant. And I was like, how did you know? She's like, well, I take the trash out in your bathroom. Becca, I was like, oh, it's crazy. Yes. And I remember, yeah, I remember telling, uh, telling me like it was meant to be. It's meant to be, you know, God's going to take care of it and it'll work out. Um, and it did. I mean, I stayed sober throughout that entire thing. And you know, I was like, okay, I have the husband and I have a baby on the way and I'm 19 and we have a house and like this is it. Um, and it just went, it went downhill so quickly. Um, I hate it being pregnant. I love my kids to death, but I hate it being pregnant. Yeah. Look, I, I had COVID so I know what it's like to be pregnant and, um, so I know that it sucks when I am feel like I have a cough. So I can't imagine, you know, I get, I don't understand. No, I, it's I totally cold. Just, yeah, I totally get it. Yeah. No, look, man, I have, I have two kids. I watched pregnancy twice. Yeah. And that is some rough shit. Rough. Yeah. And with that pregnancy, uh, I, I became depressed in the beginning. Um, like very quickly in, but I was like, this is normal, right? Until my mom was like, this is not normal. Um, and so I went to the OBGYN and I was like, yeah, I'm really depressed. Put me on prozac and then a couple months later, I was like, it's not working. He's like, I'm going to need to refer you to a psychiatrist and I was like, it's working great. Okay. It's working. Yeah. It's fine. It's cool. He's like, we're all good. I am not crazy. Must have been time released. Yeah. But it's so weird, you know, I just need some sunlight. It's fine. Uh, cause I did not want to go see a psychiatrist. I was like, I'm not crazy. Like absolutely not. Probably knowing that he might have been. What? Probably knowing that you might have been. Yeah. Like that was what you were just scared to go see it. Yeah. I knew, I knew that I was definitely losing it. I knew there was definitely something wrong. Yeah. Um, but I refuse to be anything like my birth mother. Just didn't want to hear it. Didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to hear any of that, but I was excited to start drinking again. Okay. That's all that was kind of in my head. You were looking forward to. Yeah. It was like, I'm, I have this house. I have this husband. I have this baby and then I get to start drinking housewife. Yeah. Just a whiny housewife. Yeah. Drink wine all day. Yeah. I wanted to. Unfortunately it was not. I wish it was like that. Yeah. Um, but now I mean, when I gave birth to my oldest at first I was like, I don't, you know, I don't know if I, I don't know if I love him, but then I held him and I was like, Oh my God. This is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Yeah. Like I just was in just such awe of it, but I also remember thinking like, I don't want to fuck him up. Yeah. Um, but within the first week after I gave birth, he was already at my mom's and I was back to drinking. We were throwing house parties and, uh, I remember I was going around down on six street and I was like, I'm a mom. I'm a new mom. Like, that was so cringy. Hmm. Well, like I really thought, you know, that I was doing it. I was doing the thing. Um, and then, you know, it just continued and just continue every weekend. We were having house parties every weekend. We were getting drunk every weekend. I mean, it just was this nightmare that never ended. Honestly, I don't even know if I wanted it to end. Yeah. You know, cause like I didn't want to like wake up from that. You know, I didn't want to get to the place of where I'm looking at like what my life has come to. Yeah. Yeah. So you were going to say something about you going to psychiatrist. I wouldn't, you know, I didn't go to one until I was 43 because I didn't find it and want to go see one. I was like, yeah, I'm fine. I don't have no problem. Yeah. Like even in sobriety, when people were saying you need to go see a therapist and I'm like, for what? I mean, so I'm not fucked up and they're like, no, yeah, you still are. Yeah. Like, I remember our, our supervisor caught me in a lie and, uh, he didn't catch me in a lie. I lied to his face. I walked out of his office. Then, you know, honest program kicked in and I was like, fuck, I got to tell him my lie. So I turned back in and I walked in and I said, hey, let's lie right to your face. And I apologize. And he said, see, it wasn't the drugs that were fucking you up. You're just a fuck up. Like it's you. And I was like, yeah, I've been trying to tell you that I never lived on the drugs. I always knew like that was so yeah, I didn't go see a therapist. I think because, you know, especially for guys, you know, it's, we're, we're too, we're too tough for that. We're macho. We don't, I don't know, maybe sit down on the couch and talk to a woman about my feelings or a guy about my feelings. But as I got deeper in the program and I got around other people that had sobriety that I wanted, they all said they go to a therapist. Yeah. And I was like, really? And they were like, yeah, that's a, that's a tool in your tool bag that you should absolutely use. So I started going to the therapist. How's it going? Well, I don't go anymore. No, but you fucking ruined it back in gas. Listen, now, she actually helped me start this podcast. Really? She's the reason. See, she's the reason. It's phenomenal. She, her and Destiny are the two that pushed me to do this. Look, because I talked about it and talked about it and talked about it. And she's like, what is stopping you? Like you talk about all these big dreams, but you ain't doing shit. You're not doing any of them. And I was like, well, I'm sober. And she said, is that all you want life? And I'm like, no. And so she had me write down a list of, you know, all my fears because it was just based off of fear. Like, what are you, what are you scared of? Well, I'm scared of this not working. Are people not coming on or this? So we wrote everything down. And then she said, now let's pretend like all that bad shit happened. Now you got to get out of it. How are you going to fix it? Like your cameras don't work. How are you going to make it work? Your microphones to go down. How are you going to make it work? And we did a whole list of how I'm going to make it, how we're going to make it work, even if this happens. And she was like, now you're ready to get the podcast going. And that's what. Yeah. Yeah. So I stopped going to her because she's pretty expensive. I'm not. It is so freaking expensive. $400 a session. That's what my yeah, it's I finally got insurance through my job. But I'm still paying a grand a month of insurance. Yeah. And then co-pays. But it's kind of one of those things where it's like, you know, it became a very crucial part, especially during, you know, these marriages that I had, it became very crucial. I noticed that, you know, when I was in a marriage in therapy, it I felt safe, somewhat kind of safe. Like I could share this with this person. Yeah. But whenever I was not in a relationship, I was like, I don't need therapy. Right. I got any therapy for good. So it's just, it's I feel like I go through that in my brain too, where I'm just like, I mean, do I really need it? Is it really that necessary? I definitely go through it, you know, as a normie guy, like I do it myself. And I had this thought the other day because I noticed Sean talked about it. You've talked about it. I'm a crier. Now that didn't start happening until like probably 38. Cause we got older. And so the thought was, is like, I've joked about me crying when like Iron Man dies and shit and the Marvel movies, like things that would have never normally made me cry in the past are now making me cry. Like down to commercials and like shit like that. It's fucking wild. Not like, not like boo-hooing crying, but like, like a, a sad commercial will like, you know, it'll make me well up. Pulls on the heart. Yeah, but it'll pull on him. I was like, maybe this is just the years of suppressing like all the fucking times where I was afraid that my brother was going to say I wanted to suck a dick because I'm feeling. Sensitive. Yeah. Yeah. He's in my ignoring. Did I admit? Yeah. So no, no, no. My, my brother would suggest that I would because I'm starting to feel like, oh, okay. I was like, wait, so you grow up with brothers. It's fucking brutal. Like, sorry, brother. I had a brother. Yeah. I did. And it, or I have a brother, but for dudes, it's like, you don't feel shit. You fucking pussy, like push it down. So then I was thinking about this one, something made me well up and I was like, probably should go to therapy. I probably would help. There's something. Abnormal. I mean, it's okay to cry. I get that now. Not embarrassed about it. Yeah, I've done it a handful of times on this podcast, but it was warranted. I feel like every time that went down and then, but now it's like, you know, when I'm watching. ASPCA. Yeah. What? What? Oh, when I hear a Sarah McLoughlin song in the fucking background, like, you know, that bitch. Yeah. Oh my God. Here we go. There we go. So yeah, I mean, therapy is, I mean, it's a motherfucker. There's fears behind going there. Yeah. I mean, making yourself vulnerable and open that, but you got to do it. Like, I mean, I think I would argue maybe everybody. I think every single person could benefit. I think so too. I think the heart, one of the hardest parts for me with therapy was like finding the right therapist. Sure. Right. It's like, I have to go in. Essentially, it's like I'm going in and like interviewing this person while they're interviewing me. Yeah. Um, and I've gone to some therapists where I'm like, how the fuck do you have a license? Yeah. Like over there, like you're like spilling shit and they're like, what do you think about that? Wish what? Yeah. How do you feel? I don't get, I'm done. Get me up. Get me out. Yeah. Get me out. Where's the psychiatrist finally? Like, I don't have to talk to them at least. They just give me shit. Yeah. God, just freaking ridiculous. So I think, you know, like I wish that therapy would be more accessible, you know, financial wise and like not this like scary thing. And like, I feel like some therapists will like, they contradict each other. Right. Like I've gone to a few different therapists and they're like, oh, that's what this one said. Well, I think, and I'm like, fuck your thought. Yeah. You know, like I liked her. I'm going back. Yeah. It's, it's, and I think, you know, with sobriety, like I wish that I could raw dog it without therapy. Yeah. I wish I could. I mean, I see people doing it all the time. You know, that whole like white knuckling. Yeah, but they don't say raw dog. Like, they don't. I was just about to make that point. They don't like, I mean, when you guys go to rooms, I've been in them now and I gain something from those rooms. Right. Like, and I don't have a problem. I'm, I show up initially to support my buddy. Yeah. Right. And then I'm walking out of there going, whoa, you know, so I've always called it like a, it's a strange blend between like church and therapy. Yeah. It's a kind of a very like co-mingling thing. Right. It's just something that's like, huh? Yeah. Like, you know, you guys ever have those things where like you're just like, huh? That's all you can say. Yeah. So when, when they showed up for my three year chip, he came in and our boss came, our old boss, the one that fired me four times. He came to see me get it. And he sent me a text the next day. He had never been in a room. Right. He sent me a text the next day and he said, thank you so much for bringing me into showing me a piece of your world. He said, I walked out of there last night and I was worried about the guy that was going back to sober living. Like, did he make it back? Or did he step? Did he, did he go use or the guy that said he had nowhere to live? Like he was listening to people's shares and I think it made him appreciate his life so much like here I am going to a big house of family kids. I have so everything made for a lot of things made for me. Right. And this person doesn't even know where he's going to sleep tonight. Right. Or he said it and he mentioned like, did the newcomer get someone's phone number so he can reach out to him? And it made me remember that I got two people's phone numbers that night. Then I need to reach out to because that's one of my commitments this year. Is I get a lot of people's phone numbers and I give a lot of phone numbers. But you don't actually. But I don't check up on, I'll do it for like a week. Yeah. And then I fall off. You're better than me. And that's something I'm trying to change this year is just reaching out to people because you just never know. Right. And but yeah, it was, it was really neat to hear him say like, he got something from that where he just thought he was going to come watch me get a chip and then bounce and say congratulations. But you know, it was, it was really neat for him to say that. And then, you know, he's been to so many of them now that he picks up on things like it's funny because when I go to meetings, people are like, where's Moron? Where's Moron? Because they see him from this. Well, that's my fear. That's why I don't go as much because I'm scared that I'm going to be like intruding on this thing. You know, it's incredible for people who aren't, you know, who don't have the addiction, not the addiction gene, but like who just, who can put it down. Yeah. Because, you know, for the people who can, in the, in other people's brains, it's like, why can't they? Like that's ridiculous. Yeah. It's crazy. You know, and or it's like this stigma of like, oh, you're drug addict. Like, you know, like it's such a shitty thing. Yeah. Yeah. When, when in reality, you know, you come to these meetings and like, there are, you know, yet you have people who grew up very poor in a, in a family of addiction, you know, very like sad circumstances where it's kind of like, how the hell did you get out of that? Yeah. Right. Um, all the way up to up in and meetings with police officers, doctors, lawyers, and it's like, it's crazy to see us all come together and treat each other the same. Yeah. Everybody's on the, on an even playing field in those games. And so how beautiful thing. Someone who, you know, like in the real world, you would be like, oh, that's a drug addict and like that's a doctor. They have nothing in common. Right. So for someone to come in and see that, it's like, you know, we're, we're, yeah, like holy shit. Like, huh, yeah. Those things, like who knew that this, this is what it's about. Cause I too was like, I am not a drug addict. I am not like that. I do not do IV. I do not have an only fans. I've never done. Listen, over the last year though, I'm not even going to lie. I'm like, huh, huh. As I'm scrolling to talk and I see those like big only fan content. Yeah. I'm like, you're like, I can wiggle some toes on a camera. I just farted a box. I literally could not mean at this point. I'm doing weird shit for free. I'd be cool with some subscribers like pain in the little grocery bill. You know, Jesus. That's where, you know, so, but I think, you know, it is a beautiful thing to see so many different people come together and to see like, I love when I'm seeing someone get a chip and their family is there. It's awesome. You know, like that is such like a beautiful thing for like just to see. And I think cause it's also, you know, I, I worked in treatment for like a year and a half. I think I was like six months all the way to. I was almost two years when, yeah, I was almost two years when I had left and the hardest part was, I mean, honestly, I want to say it was like the family. Um, and it was, but it was also, I mean, it was the dynamic. It's like you are loving this child to death. Take your hands off from it. You're, you're loving them to death. Step away. And with the addict, it's like shut up and look at what you're doing. Like, you know, your family and maybe it was a little bit of jealousy because I didn't go to treatment. Um, you know, I didn't get the opportunity. I told my mom, I was like, I want to get a treatment and she's like, get sober or get out of my house. Yeah. I will, I will keep these kids and you know, I will win. Um, and so I was like, I want to get a treatment. Uh, and I, and I didn't have a vacation for these. Kids. Like I want to get sober at peace. But I, you know, so like when I would see that, um, it was frustrating where I'm like your family is paying all this fucking money for you to be here and you get a meal, you get a nice bed, you get group sessions and all of a sudden now you're a fucking dick, like to your family. Yeah. But at the same, it's like watching that dynamic and trying to find, like be the middle. Is so frustrating and it was very hard and I'm like, I'm super like an empath. You know, I take on people's feelings. And so when a mom would be crying, I'm like taking it on and I'm like, I don't know what to do. I'm so sorry. I'm not doing my job right because they're not staying sober. Like, I don't know. Right. But then the addict, I'm like, what can I do to like make you stay sober? Yeah. And it's not being able to have that control. Just blue. I mean, it just, it got to where I was just not a good fit for treatment. I was not a good fit, but I love when I go into the rooms and I see family members there watching their child get a chip or watching their mom get a chip. My oldest son has given me one of my chips before. And it is like, right? I'm like, it is the coolest thing. Yeah. Well, I think it's kind of like the family's getting a chip too. Yeah. You know, I mean, you really are. They went through that shit with you. They should be fucking picking one up too. Right. It's like, and, and, you know, with like that long term sobriety, like, yeah, you know, you don't have to have the family to do it, right? But like when the family is there, it is a group effort. The family has to stop enabling you and you have to stop relying on them. And so to be able to find that middle and then see the entire group show up as a support is so beautiful. And like, I never thought that I would be like, well, you also know the road. Like people like yourselves, you know, the road that it took to get to find that middle to where they're in the room getting that chip. So I think that probably impacts people like yourselves a lot more in that situation. Definitely opened up my eyes for like mine and my mom's relationship. Yeah. Where we are so codependent. I mean, like unhealthy. It's gotten a lot better over the last, I like two, two years, but like my entire art, my entire life, we have been extremely codependent, very enmeshed. And so trying to break that dynamic has probably been one of the hardest things that I've ever tried to do. And it's taken a lot of therapy. Like it just individually, right? And like she's been willing to go to it with me. But at the end of the day, I kind of look at it as, you know, she, when you get to like that age, she's going to be 71. Like she's, she's in her ways. Like there is no changing her. She's very strong willed, shocking. But like that woman is, she is one of the strongest people I know. And I feel like everyone says that about their mom. But like she really, you know, what it was like to be pregnant? Well, here's the crazy thing. Cause I'm adopted. Like she didn't even carry. Oh, okay. Yeah. She didn't even carry me. So like, I forgot. I'm sorry about that. Right. No, no, it's fine. Whenever people are like, oh, your mom's, why is your dad black? I'm like, no, she cheated on my dad. Just kidding. Cause then my dad walks in and I'm like, just kidding. That's ideal. Um, and I have to tell her on my mom person over there thinks she did on dad. She's like, but like, you know, watching her go from, she was in a very abusive marriage around my age when I got married, um, physically, emotionally, and she just left. Yeah. And I was like, how do you, holy shit, how do you do that? You know, and that's like back in the 70, like women couldn't even buy houses. Yeah. Like they couldn't even buy houses without a man. Yeah. And she was like, fuck you. I don't need you. And I'm like, why did I get that? Gee. Yeah. Why did I get that? You know, but, um, her parents died at a young age and she couldn't have kids, you know, and so like watching, seeing how strong and incredible she is, um, is, I mean, it's crazy to me. Uh, and so like that, she's really helped me with that, but like that dynamic has made me and then with being adopted, like I need to feel wanted by her. Um, and she was not always, she's got a lot better, but she was not always the most affectionate mom. Um, and I don't blame her. It's, it's just, I think it's that generation, you know, like they're just not, I'm super affectionate with my kids. I'm like, oh my God, I love you. Come cuddle me. Uh, um, and she, she wasn't like that. And you know, I used to be resentful against it, but now I'm like, I get it. You know, I mean, some people are just that way. Yeah. You know, like, and I mean, to your point. You probably are as affectionate to your kids because she wasn't maybe a little bit, you know what I mean? I'm overly affectionate to compensate for what, and I've done that in sobriety with my mothering. Like I am, I was overcompensating for neglecting them in, in my addiction. Yeah. Yeah. And it is. Yes. And it is the hardest thing to break. It is the hardest thing that I've ever had to break. Yeah. Um, then, you know, honestly, I think there's many things I thought simply getting sober was the hardest thing I was ever going to have to do. And it's actually what I have to do while I'm sober that I'm like, that was easy. Like holy shit. Well, just stay sober. Is the hard part. So we had a guest on last week is episodes out. We love them, but he, he said it perfectly. He's like, do you want to be sober? Do you want to be recovered? Yeah. There's two different things. And I've been both recovery. Like I have been where I'm like, I am just sober. Yeah. And this is horrible. Yeah. The worst feeling ever. I don't like I, and it's hard because it's like, I know I don't want to get high. I mean, well, there's a time sort of like, but like I what I'm thinking. Yeah, it's like, yeah, you know, I'm, I'm going to get fucked up. Like my first thing I think would be drinking because I'm like, that's socially acceptable. I truly believe that I could maybe go a year with being like a little wine. Oh mom being like, oh, I don't need another one. Yeah. But I would set myself up and be like, if I can get to this point, I'm good. I'm in the clear, not now. But it's like, what am I? I'm going to wake up from this God awful hangover. And then I'm going to have to take care to three sheds. Yeah. Kids like that. I love to death, but like doing it hung over. Yeah. And then that's where I'm like, nah, I need to get the Adderall. Yeah. Like, and what's crazy is like that is Adderall is what brought me to my knees out of all the drugs. Adderall is the one that like, yeah, that was the one that because it was socially acceptable. Yeah. I prescribed it. I'm scared of it. I wish I was. I think when, so when I was first prescribed, first prescribed Ritalin and I remember, you know, the doctor is right after I got to the psych ward because, you know, my first marriage was very abusive. Both sides. I ended up going to jail twice for it, which caused like some trauma with cops, obviously trauma with men. There was a lot of cheating, walked in on it, you know, like that kind of shit. But Adderall, I had gone to the psych ward because I took too much Ambien and overdosed. Dude, I've heard some wild fucking stories on Ambien. That shit is incredible. It's an incredible drug. Okay. Whoever created it, someone was like, we need a medication that's going to knock them out. Yeah. Physically, we don't give a fuck. Mentally, they just got to go away. So like, I remember I was thanking my ex-husband, my first ex-husband. I was like, you've been cleaning the house. Like, thank you for helping me. And he's like, what the fuck are you talking about? You're doing it on Ambien? Yeah. Yeah. Two in the morning. I was cleaning and there were times where like, you know, I was walking the dog or I was driving to the store and I'm like, holy shit. Don't remember a thing. Do not remember a thing. I felt like I got a great night's sleep. Kevin James, he's a comedian and actor. He tells a story about being on Ambien where he woke up from doing Ambien and he was, he was like, there was a fucking Thanksgiving feast like on the table. And he was like, he went, he called his wife and was like, Hey, who did you hire to come into the house while we were asleep to cook fucking turkeys and shit? And she's like, no, I didn't do that. He had to like reverse engineer the Ambien and figure out and use cameras and shit in his house to see him blacked out on Ambien, cooking a whole entire organized feast. It's fucking insane. Chastity's mom fell off of a balcony. Yeah. I won't see. And that's where, um, that's where it fucked me up, you know, and I supposedly was, I mean, they count it as a suicide attempt, but I also am like, I really just wanted to genuinely be a star in this guy. I, I know I'm like, could you like just when I was telling the doctors this, they started handing me like AA pamphlets and like rehab pamphlets. And I was like, fuck you guys. But like I was drinking on it and I was drinking and I was on Ritalin because I remember that psychiatrist. She was like, um, you know, I was on Zoloft, Lobito gone. Right. I got a husband who enjoys cheating by Lobito's got, we got to fix something. Yeah. Um, and so she was like, I'm sending in a prescription. Do not share it with anyone. I was like, okay, do I need an ID to get it? And she was like, yeah. And I was like, solid. I'm never sharing this. Yeah. What is it? And I didn't know anything about like Ritalin, Adderall, none of that. And so I, it was one of those moments again, we're like, I took it and I was sitting on the couch and it was like, I got up and I was like, game on. This is incredible. Yeah. Um, and so that day I had taken a shit ton of Ritalin. I had dropped my son off again on the weekend with my parents driving home. Listen to T swift. What's that album 22? Hey, is that the album? Yeah. Speak now. Okay. Yeah. Oh, my little Ford escape, you know, and, uh, I got home, started drinking vodka, crystal light, favorite go to drink and was outside watching the stars. And I got this idea in my head and I like vividly remember it. So you were literally trying to be a star trying to beat like, I remember I was, you know, they were having like a house party inside all the army guys and I'm outside just staring at the stars and good old Colleen, Texas. And I'm like, you don't want to be a star. Over Colleen, Texas. I'm going to be a star. I'm just going to shoot. Yeah. Okay. Then I'm going to go over to Austin. Yeah. And I was like, and then I'm going to come back to the ground and I'm just like complete ridiculousness. And then, you know, I had a brief moment where I was like, girl, you better go to bed, but I need to take my ambient. Took an ambient. And I was like, wait a minute. I know how to be a star in the sky. And I took, I want to say 20 of them. Oh, no. This is, and I remember my ex-husband and his friend and like, I'm sitting there like stuffing them in my mouth like a psychopath and they were watching me and they were like, is that your ambient? I was like, yep. And then I know my ex-husband chased me around the house and my shirt got ripped off and I took off the street. I took out the garage, went down the street, half naked. And next thing you know, I remember lights behind me, half naked, side of the street, Colleen, Texas, two in the morning and officers had, I guess told me that I needed to stay there. And I didn't. I watched the camera, like they gave me like camera footage of what I did and I turned around and I said, bet you can't catch me. And I slow mo started walking, like running, like full on like, and they're standing there moving like normal time, but I'm literally half naked, side of the road and Colleen, four officers behind me and I'm like, just slow mo running and like they tried to get me and I mean, not tried to, I wouldn't have hard. Yeah, they were going slow motion. Yeah. I was like. And they, I started resisting and they tackle me in the ground. And then, you know, next thing I know, I wake up in the hospital. I was like, this is not jail. This is not where I want to be. I'd rather be in jail. And I was hooked up to all this shit and I went to go and move my arm and there's a cuff on my arm and I was like, look in front of me, there's an officer and he was like, don't even do it. And I was like, do what? Don't try to get your wrist out. And I was like, never. Got my wrist out. What are you gonna do? You know, and they ended up having to restrain me and the doctor came in and the nurse was like, they're going to take you if you don't stop. And I was like, take me bitch, you know, like just so fighting against everything. Um, and I still didn't think anything was wrong. I was like, I literally was trying to be a star in the fucking sky. Guys, like this was not suicide. Yeah. Please believe me. Like please believe the crackhead that overdosed on Ambien that slow mo ran from police. Just believe me. Like what? Um, and yeah, like the audacity. It's very audacious if you guys to be acting better than, um, you know, but the doctor had told me that, you know, with the Ritalin and the Ambien, as soon as they would, they would adjust my heart rate and it would either skyrocket or drop. And yeah, yeah, on slow mo just everywhere and, um, need to make that a cartoon. This I'm telling you, that would be a fucking phenomenal cartoon. I saw that. I'm just like, what the fuck? What the like tried to block it out of my brain for a while, but I'm like, you can't do that. Something you just laugh. Yeah. No, at that point it was like whatever. I'm not ashamed of my just laugh about it. Cause fucking if I went through it, God put me through it for a fucking reason. If I can't make fun of myself, right? What am I doing? If you want to do it, right? If I can't get to the other end of it and help someone else that's going through it, then that's what we might do. Right. Most and I was in most of my story. I can laugh. There's some, there's some parts mainly, you know, within the last year, but also when I had turned 25 and got sober, like how that happened though, that one I've gone a little bit better on, but like I still kind of tear up when I, whenever I share my story. Um, but I have not shared my story. And over, I mean, well over a year. And so this last year has just been a fucking whirlwind. Um, and there was some moments where I was like, how am I still sober? How am I still sober? There's no way. Um, you know, in a like the self-centered person. So what do you think it was contributed to? I wonder what did you find? Cause you're not, you don't feel that way anymore. No, no. We were in a meeting. We talked about this for a brief second. Within the last year. Yeah. So the last year, um, there was, I mean, divorce. Um, there was psych ward. There was like the consistent feeling of I'm not good enough. I'm not wanted. Um, five year old little girl just kept showing up day in and day out and was controlling all of my emotions. Um, so when I, you know, when I had met my soon to be ex-husband, God, I think I was, I think I was just over 18 months. No, I was almost two years. Um, cause it's when I had left working in treatment and I think he had maybe six months, which I'm like, oh, risky Becca. Yeah. Um, I, oh, doesn't look good. But, um, I, you know, if you were to ask me back then, like I just, I was in love. Like he was, I could look at him and be like, he sees me. He loves, you know, like that. And that's where trauma bonding started. Yeah. Um, where it was just like a puppy dog. Like I love you. I want to be with you forever. Um, and within probably two months, what? So it ended December, February is when I found out that I was pregnant with my third. Um, and so here I am, you know, I'd always wanted a third baby, but it was for selfish reasons. Um, my middle son is autistic. And so I was like, I would like two on the other side of him, like one older and one younger, but I was not going to have another baby. Both like after 30, there was no way in hell. Um, because when I'm 40, I'm going to have a 20 year old and a 17 year old. Okay. I look like having a fucking two year old. Um, now I'm going to have a fucking 11 year old. Yeah. But, uh, I found out that I was pregnant and he was so supportive and so loving and so caring. And, you know, with my second pregnancy, that's when I left my first sex husband. Um, I had finally sobered up and I was like, Oh, fuck am I doing? Um, and I told him I was going to stay the night at my mom's and I never went back. Just never went back. Um, and I went through that whole pregnancy by myself. He moved to New York. So I've been raising these kids with my parents. And so within this divorce, you know, with this relationship, he was so loving. And supporting. Um, and then, you know, went through the pregnancy, got so depressed. Um, like where I just was like, I can't, I can't do this. I don't know what I'm doing. I hated him, but I didn't hate him. I absolutely hated myself. I wanted no partner. Um, and I think throughout that whole pregnancy, the scariest thing was knowing that a baby was not going to keep me sober and I so badly wanted to stay sober for the first time I've ever had a baby. And so I was like, what am I going to do? Um, so having that in my brain is like, you know, this baby's not going to keep me sober, but I want to stay sober for this baby. Um, really got me into like this isolating, crippling anxiety mode where I just didn't really leave the house. Um, and I fought with him and you know, it, we've really tried, we both really tried hard. Um, and it wasn't until I had assaulted him. Um, I've been told I was bipolar in the past, but I'm like, actually just a drug at it guys. Like no, uh, but I don't know what happened. Uh, something triggered. We had just gotten home from a beautiful vacation. We went up to Boston and then into Maine and I didn't tell any of my family because I just wanted just a quiet vacation. Um, and we got home really late and it was all over chapstick chapstick. I, I needed my chapstick. Yeah. Like, and it, that's where like the anxiety OCD started coming in. Oh man. Like I've heard so many stories like this. Yeah. Like started over. If you can reverse engineer any horrible fight you ever had the, the littlest stupidest thing is what it started over. It's the dumbest thing. Literally chapstick and it was like, you know, it's like that. It wasn't Carmack's. Okay. I'm not fucking, I fucking hate that. Was it the egg? No. Hate that one too. It was a little like blue pot one. That's like, it's got like menthol in it, but like, I guess it's not big down here. I guess mainly like Carmack's is big, which I'm like, you know, but it was that like blue pot one and I remember he had it last. And so I wanted it and he was, I was like, do you have my, do you have my chapstick? You know, like we just got home. Our flight had been all fucked up. Baby's asleep. He's laying in bed and I'm like, Hey, have you seen my chapstick? And he's like, no. And I was like, well, you were the one who used to last. He's like, I don't have your chapstick. I don't know where it is. And I was like, I, I need my chapstick. He's like, well, I have Carmack's and I was like, no. I want your trash. I want your shitty chapstick. Oh my good shit. And I know you took it. And so I don't know. I mean, he was just so dumb with my fucking shenanigans. He's like, I don't have your fucking chapstick and something just like flipped in my brain. And like, I just zoned in on his face and it became a big blur. Everything became a blur. There were moments where like, I know that I punched him in the face. Like he was laying there and I just like decked him and like, I just couldn't stop and it was the scariest thing because it's like, I know what I'm doing, but I can't stop. It's that makes sense. Like that complete disassociation. And then at some point, I ended up calling the police on him. Even though I was the one and I think that I knew because I know with my first one that even though I called the police because he had choked me out, he had a bloody nose and so they still took me to jail. And so with this one, I was like, okay. First he said, I'm going to call the police. So I was like, no, I'm the fucker. I'm calling him. And I remember breaking down on the phone to the police. I don't really know about what. But I knew that I was going to be the one going to jail and I was okay with that because I just saved me from myself. Like I can't stop and I'm stone cold sober. And so that's where I'm like, what's happening? And police came. I mean, and I and he's standing there because he's on papers and he's standing their arms up lights are shining in. I'm like, what the fuck are you doing? Like what's happening? He's like, you stupid bitch called the police and I was like, what? Oh God, okay. Um, and I looked at him like I finally saw him and like it looked like he was attacked by fucking chimpanzee. I was like, I'm like, yeah, who did that? It's so crazy. And then we'll co determine that it was a mental health crisis and I was highly offended, so offended that they were like, you're in a mental health crisis and I was like, no, not what are you talking about? Uh, but I was, I mean, that was like the moment where I was like something seriously wrong. Um, kind of like back to where, you know, when I first, when I knew something was really wrong when I got sober, I was like something seriously wrong with me. Um, and like coming to that rock bottom point. And so, uh, as time went on, you know, we, we tried to work through it. I don't know if he ever kind of worked through that, you know, and, and trying to that. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. It's, um, and at first I just was kind of like, why aren't you getting over it? Like, don't you understand? Like I clearly have fucking mental health problems. Um, but I also didn't realize, I didn't really see our dynamic until then. And it was very much the, I'm mentally losing it and he's the savior. And that was very consistent through our entire relationship until it wasn't. Um, and so, you know, a year goes by and we're planning this wedding and we planned it over a year. We like called it off every, I feel like every month, I remember there was one time, you know, we were fighting and I was doing the save the dates and he was like, you better save those dates for another day. And I was like, fucking idiot, fine. You know, and two days later we would make up and it was this high and low and constant battle and it was like, you're not working your program and you're not working your program and you didn't call your sponsor. You didn't, you know, like that back and forth. Um, and it just got to this point where we both were kind of done, but we still got married. Um, and, and I think the hardest part was I truly loved him so deeply. Um, but I also didn't think that I would be able to do any better for myself. Like I don't ever, I never, I didn't think highly of myself. Super depressed, gained a lot of weight, miserable sober. I'm like, this is the best it's going to get. It's fighting with this man for the rest of my life, but I truly do love him and I'm willing to do that. Um, and it wasn't, yeah, he was pretty brutal. Um, but where it really took off was my parents had just left for a month, which they have been my rocks. They're the only ones down here that help with the kids drastically. Um, and they were like, you know, we retire. We're going to Australia for a month and I'm already freaking out because the last big trip that they did was when it was right before I got sober. And that's what made me that's when I finally was brought to my knees. Um, they were on a trip. They went on a cruise and I thought I could do it. It was high as fuck and two days into it, the kids relate to school by like good 45 minutes. And I was like, okay, it's fine. It's whatever. Uh, the next day they relate to school by an hour. I was like, oh fuck, it's fine, whatever. Um, and then I went out that night and the next day, um, I did not wake up until probably 11, 13, 12 in the afternoon and my middle son, my autistic son was still in his crib and my oldest was four laying next to me. On my phone and I hear my son crying and I was like, Jackson, why didn't you wake me up? Like my fucking boy. And he said, well, I tried to give Kelly some water, but it spilt all over him. And so I go in there and that's when I was like, I don't think I can ever forgive myself for that, you know, and I felt like such a failure. Like I, I felt like such a failure and that's when I kind of was like, okay, something's, something's got to change. Um, and that, that was the moment where I was like, I can't keep doing it to these kids, right? I their dad is in New York. My parents are gone and I left my two year old was he two at the time? There's one at the time in the crib. No food, no, you know, um, and so that's where it was kind of like the low of it. I think all I really wanted was to be nothing like my birth mother. Um, and I felt in that moment, I was like, I am just like, um, and so that's kind of one of the ones that I still like get emotional over and I'm, I mean, I'm grateful that I like can see myself through it now, right? Because in the beginning I was like, that's when I was like, I am probably just going to kill myself, you know, like I can't, they would be better off. Um, and I didn't think that I could ever forgive myself for that or if they could forgive me. Uh, and so I called my one of my clients for, uh, I was hairstylist and she was one of my clients for four years. She'd been trying to convince me to come to her house on Friday nights. Like, oh, it was just a bunch of girls like it together. And I was like, no, I'm good. Uh, yeah, we're sober. I was like, yeah, fuck that. No. Um, and so I called her and I was like, how do you do this whole sober thing? Um, and she started crying and I was like, but you can't cry. Yeah. You can't cry. I'm going to cry. We're all crying. We're like, you're the one who's supposed to help me. Yeah. Um, and so that's when, you know, she had come over to my house and we sat down after my parents got back. We barely made it through. My parents got back and, um, my mom looked at me and she was like, I will win. I will take your kids and I will win. And that's what I was like. She will win. And I love those kids with all my heart. Um, and so thinking that, you know, I wouldn't be able to be their mom, you know, was like a really hard thing. Um, and I knew that she was going to win. Yeah. So fast forward, you know, uh, to this last vacation where they went to Australia, I was like, I don't want to fuck it up for them. I want them to enjoy it. I don't want to, them to have to worry about anything. And, uh, my ex-husband's mom came into town to help us and about three days in, uh, we got into a fight over my friend's cat that was staying at our house. And, um, the next morning we got into another fight and he was like, I can't do this anymore. Uh, I'm going to go stay with my mom at your mom's house. But, uh, at first I was like, fuck you, you know, cause he'd always come back. We'd always, we'd always come back together. Uh, and he hadn't come back. And so, you know, the next day I went over there and I got into a heavy with his mom. Uh, I mean, I called her a fucking bitch. I was, I was going in and you know, that whole month I didn't have anyone to help me with the kids and you know, so I, I fucking figured it out. I don't know how literally God. Um, but each day was like, okay, how are we going to, cause I still have to go to work, like how am I going to work? How am I going to get the kids? How am I going to do this? Um, and, and we made it through and you know, me and my, uh, ex were like, we're, you know, we can work on it. And I think we both kind of knew that like, we're probably not going to come back from this. Um, but I think, you know, we, we so badly wanted to. And when I look back now, it was really like the fear of the unknown. Like who am I without you? You've been four years of my sobriety. Like who am I without you? Um, and then it wasn't until one day I was at work and we got into an argument and he called a quiz through texts and I was like, okay. Um, and that broke my heart. You know, cause I think I so badly wanted that false hope to keep going. Um, because I didn't want to feel unwanted and. I couldn't move back home with my mom because now I have three kids. She's like, I love you, but like, yeah, we can't, you know, there's not enough room. Um, and so trying to find a place to rent with three kids, single income was, I mean, what rents like 2,500 a month. It's a lot. Yeah. And I'm like, I don't make that much. Like what? Um, and so I went into survival mode and my mom was like, Hey, there's this place. And it's got mobile homes. And I was like, I will never live in a trailer park. I will never live in a fucking trailer. Mom. Uh, have you seen those things? They're nice. They're dope. We walked in and I was like buying one and moving one on. I'm literally like, where the fuck are we? Like, you've seen it, right? It's not bad. I'm probably going to leave and she's like, she's right. Oh, no, she said whenever she went there, she said her place was really, really nice. Yeah. I did. I did. And that was a big character, like character building lesson for me. You know, the big thing that she said was that you were amazing mom. Stop. But she said, she said, man, she, she's a really, really good mom. See, and I, I hear that, but I never feel that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, um, because I just constantly think that it's like those things, those thoughts that come in your head. And I think that that is that area of my life is where I will always be the hardest on myself where I always feel like I'm failing. I'm not doing what they need. I'm, I'm a Yeller. Okay. We all, we all stroke. I'm a dad. Yeah. And I'm, and you know, I know that a mom's love is different than a dad's love. That's why I remain friends with my ex-wife. But I think you need to start feeling that for yourself for no other reason than this. Parenting is fucking hard. And there's nothing, there's no two ways about it. No kids, a cookie cutter kid. You have multiples of them and, but you keep getting up. Right. And you recognize the mistakes that you made cause none of us are fucking perfect. Well, in that aspect of, you know, with my middle son being autistic and he was also born with the emniotic band syndrome. Um, and so from like here down of his arm, just didn't develop. So he just has enough sometimes it's so in our family, we make jokes. Yeah. One way to deal with it. We'll be like, Kelly, go wash your hand. And, uh, or I'll be like cutting his nails and I'm like, give me your other hang or play. Just kidding buddy. Or like, you know, when we're walking and he's like, I'm like, thanks dude. And we're walking and I'm holding the nub and people are like, what? Right. But it's like that, you know, you take that aspect into it too. And so I always feel like I'm giving him more attention than the other ones. And if I'm giving the other ones more attention, I'm not giving him enough. And it's like this constant, like I feel like I'm not keeping up with all of them at the same time with what they need at the exact same time. You're not. I'm not. And I expect myself to be perfect. No. And so when people are like, you have so much going on, I'm like, no, no, not really. People are like, you know, there's a lot happening. Like you're doing so good. And I'm like, no, I'm not. Yeah. I'm not. I'm surviving. Gotta give yourself some grace, dude. I know that's the hardest part. And you get it. That's just as a parent. I don't think you have to be an addict for that. Right. It was like that grace effort just being a parent. I feel like it's constant where it's like, well, I should have done this better. I shouldn't have done this. Like I, and like I said, I'm a yeller. I am a yeller at my kids. I will scream at them. They don't listen at all. So I'm literally, I mean, I had to tell our neighbors, like if you hear us all screaming, we are okay. I'm not beating them. Yeah. We're just all screaming. Yeah. Um, and so, you know, for example, today it was, it was a hard day with the, with the two kids. And I just felt like I was screaming the entire day. And as soon as I dropped him off, I'm like, God, I'm a shit mom. I'm a shit mom. Yeah. But, um, you know, it's, it's learning how to truly parent by myself in this home that I own by myself. Um, and I've never owned anything. Nothing has ever been in my name. Each marriage, um, nothing was in my name. And the only thing I got from the second one was a car, which super grateful for it. Right. Um, it was definitely kind of held over the head a few times. Um, but, you know, at the end of the day, like he signed it over and I immediately got that package registered in my name. Um, but I walked out of both marriages with nothing but kids. And so having this home and like going into survival mode and was like, I don't think I'm going to be able to pay it. I don't think I'm going to be able to do XYZ. Did they look at the right income? Did they actually pay attention to the numbers? Like, I don't think I can do it. Um, but just how like smooth everything went. It's like that feeling of like, okay, this is the right thing because of just how smooth everything was. Um, and when I got into that house, I didn't know what to do. It was like, what the fuck do I do? Yeah. Like, who do I, how do I fix things? Yeah. What do I call? Uh huh. What do I, you know, like, what do I do? Um, and it was like during that time where I was like, fuck man, fuck hate man. I don't need a fucking man because look, I got three kids. Yeah. Fuck them. Right. And like that. And I got so jealous because I'm like, you know, like my, my first ex-husband is living his life in New York. He left eight years ago is not, you know, very hands off, very bare minimum. Um, and my son is up there now, uh, for the first time ever. And so it's like, okay, you got remarried. You got to move on. Fuck you. My ex now I'm like, when you don't have our daughter, you get to be free. Fuck you. I'm here with three kids. Um, so fuck men. How about that? Yeah. And that's when I picked up on, I'm going to redo my countercops and I have no idea what I'm doing, but we're going to go and get some concrete and we're just going to do it. We're just going to do it. Yeah. I had no idea what I was doing. Um, but I was like, we're trusting the process and I did it. I fucking did it. And I was like, I'm going to redo the backsplash at some point. And, uh, I was doing the final sanding of the concrete and I was so proud of myself and I was in the corner and I saw one of the backsplash tiles kind of hanging forward. Now I went to poke it back and it fell down and I was like, no, no, no, no, no. And, uh, yeah, back, X flash all came down. And so I was like, great. Here we go. Another project. Yeah. And, uh, and I did it. And now it is ship lap different same ship lap. I've never cried during a project, but I cried during that one and I've had many men say like, I can remember the countertop, whether the countertops or the backsplash where he was like, if you need some help, I was like, no, fuck me. No, I don't fucking need help. Fuck man. Yeah. And, uh, and I did it and, um, was Beyonce playing the whole time you were fucking doing that? Like the shoes on my feet. Uh, it was Glowrilla and Megan the Stallion and some Billy Eilish in there. Like not like the sad ones lately. Like the one that like, I don't know that's like psych ward one. Yeah. Yeah. That's all it was that. And like sometimes it was pure silence because I just was like, I could breathe for a minute. Yeah. I mean, I was inhaling concrete dust. Yeah. I was like better than that. That's better than that. Uh, and so within that, like, you know, the past six months for sure, um, it was this constant feeling and fear of like, I'm not, I can't do this. I can't do it. I can't do it. I'm unwanted. I'm undeserving and I'm unloved and I can't do it. Um, and so trying to navigate everything internal while being sober, while raising the kids, um, and going through this divorce and dealing with my first ex husband. It just, I was like, I don't think I can do this. Um, and there's so many nights I went to bed crying. So many nights. Sometimes I go to bed crying just because I'm like, I'm so grateful for my life. But this time I was like, I can't do this. God, please help. Like those moments of desperation at night where you're just like silent crying. Yeah. Um, because it just feels like it's never going to end. Uh, and somehow here we are, but it took a lot of praying, a lot of inventory, a lot of fucking inventory. I remember calling Carrie my sponsor and I was like, I'm fucking sick of writing inventory on these motherfuckers. Like, it probably looks like I'm like some obsessed ex-wife. Yeah. Because I have like notebooks with like, I think actually I have like each notebook for each ex-wife. That's a hell of an inventory. Inventory on this one tonight. And it sucks when it's like on both of them at the same time. I'm like, God damn it. Uh, but it took a lot of inventory, a lot of fucking trust, um, and a lot of blood, sweat, and tears physically to kind of get to this point. Um, how does it, does it help you when you, when you reach out to other addicts too, when you help other ones? Yes. Cause I know that's what they always say, like when you're filling in yourself, reach out to someone else. And I know on the days that I do that, when I call and check on somebody, even if I'm not their sponsor or anything, just checking on them gets me out of my own little shit for, for even just a second. Yeah. I think, especially when I hear like some of the shit they're going through. I'm like, oh fuck, that's terrible. There's so many times I used to call Max, I was like, I'm so sorry. I really fucked up, you know, like, yeah. But yeah, no, it does. And I remember going through, you know, in the big book where it talks about like if sex is troublesome, um, and it, it's like the sex conduct was so troublesome because I wanted to ring the next of both of my ex-husbands. Um, but I still so deeply love this one and I just didn't know what to do. And I kept going back, even though we had separated, we knew it was, it was done. I still, I personally still held on to that hope and I kept going back. Um, and I just, it was like that constant, like Becca, when is enough going to be enough? Um, and I was like, this is the time. Like I've called my sponsor. Like this is the last time she's like, I won't judge you if you go back. And I'm like, I'm not going back to later. I'm like, this is the last time. Yeah. And, um, you know, but it's like calling another person truly does work. Um, but I just don't want to do it because that makes me get out of myself. You're right. Right. And what I'm thinking right now, I'm living in it. I love it. I'm thinking of all the ways of how I'm going to fuck them over and be spiteful. And I'm like, look how strong and independent I am. Yeah. Do you want to come over? Yeah. You know, and, but I do know, um, like whenever destiny calls me, I'm like, give it to me. She probably hears screaming and she's like, she's crazy. What's going on? Yeah. I'm like, don't mind the kids. Yeah. Uh, but yeah, I mean, getting out of myself and like listening to somebody else and bringing back, you know, what was taught to me in the steps, especially around sex inventory. You know, I've had a lot of sponsors like say, this is what you need to do. Like you need to cut it off. You need not have sex within the first year. You need to do this. You need to do that. And it's like my sponsor now states it very clearly. I am not the arbitrator of your sex conduct. My only job is to tell you how you're showing up and where to bring God into it. And whatever you decide to do is what you decide to do. Just be honest with me. Yeah. Is that the only way that she can help me? Yeah. Um, for sure. And so like once that was brought to me and then I'm listening to other women, I'm like, holy shit. I just recited that. Why am I not listening to that shit? Yeah. Why am I like what? And so it helps me because I say that and then I'm like, wait a minute, bitch. Why are you not doing anything? Yeah. Duh. And so, um, knowing that I can like going through that really hard breakup into the divorce and being able to still utilize that pain and suffering to help someone else while I'm still in the shit storm is so beautiful. Yeah. Um, and I mean, it definitely makes me feel like it's, it's going to be worth it in the end. You know, I wish it would have turned out differently, but I'm not, um, I'm not angry anymore that it didn't turn out how I wanted to. Good for you. Man. Good. Yeah. There's a quote that, uh, that I like. That's awesome though. What? The countertops? No. Well, that too. The backsplash. The backsplash. I would, I'd fucking hire somebody. I'd go through. When you said, when you were saying countertops, I was thinking like tile something. Yeah. Yeah. But when you mentioned the concrete, I'm like, I'm out. Yeah. I don't know where to fucking start on the concrete. Nope. I'm all the way out. Well, I was like, I could paint them. I was like, yeah, that's too easy. I would have been using on myself. No. And I was like, concrete. Yeah. There's a quote that, um, that I heard when I was in rehab that, that I use, that helped me a lot. And I think that you can use it. You might not, somebody might use it, but I used to always live in the should of, could of, would ofs. Oh God. Yeah. I would live in the should of, could of, would ofs. Like if I could have done this or if I should have done this and then when I got to rehab, then I started realizing like I wasn't as good of a dad as I told myself I was are pretended like I was. I got show up to everything, but I'm 45 minutes late. Yes. I show up to everything, but I'm not really here. I'm really trying to get to the bathroom to go get high again. Yeah. And, um, there got to, there was a point in my, in my addiction where I was like, well, now I'm 42. I'm not 32 anymore. I can't even go back. So what am I going to stop for now? Right. But when I went in rehab, there was a quote that said, um, forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different. And when I, when I heard that, I was like, holy shit. Like who's to say that even if I would have done everything by the book, this isn't the path that God wanted me to go down anyways. Right. Yeah. Like even if I was the greatest dad or the greatest husband or I still wouldn't have been divorced or I still wouldn't have went through addiction. Right. And that when I heard that quote, I was like, holy shit, maybe this is how God wanted me to get through it. So we can go help other people get through it too. Yeah. And, and I seriously believe that's the reason that we go through the addiction part is because especially now we see so many of our brothers and sisters that suffer from it. Yeah. And they don't know how to handle it. And the average person out there that's not one just thinks they're just fucked up. They're a junkie. Right. Yeah. Why don't you just stop? Why can't you just stop? Right. Yeah. When they were used to fire me from work, they'd be like, we don't understand why you just can't quit. It's like, do y'all it's like quit sex. How about that? You like having sex with your wife. Stop doing it forever. Quit it. Don't do it anymore. Right. And I truly believe that's the reason that we go through this is so we can get to the other end and we can help other people the way that we're able to help other people and other people can relate to us. Yeah. You know, because there's a thing. I heard this in church last week. The guy said that people want to speak on experience, but they've never experienced it. Right. People want it like I can't talk to somebody about what it's like to be homeless because I've never been homeless. I've never been homeless. I don't know what it's like to fly. Dude, we went camping last night and at one o'clock we went in the fucking car to go to sleep because it was too fucking cold. Yeah. Why would you guys choose to go camping? Stop. Yeah. You guys are fucking dumb. We didn't know there was a cold front coming in. She told me. Mike. Of course. Mike, you know it's February. Ever. Mike. Look, I didn't know there was a cold front coming in. It's the one cold month. And it was fun until it got cold. I'm about to say I was shocked when I walked out this morning because yesterday it was not a beautiful. Yeah. And then this morning I was, you know, we were going out to play with some trot. I guess I was going by myself because the kid that wanted to go didn't want to go anymore. Yeah. And I was like, holy shit, it's cold. Freezing. And then I saw y'all's Facebook posts and I was, I'm not even gonna lie on a scroll and I was like, what idiot? Fucking idiot. Yeah. You fucking dummies. So look, we're sitting in that tent and we bought one cover, right? We didn't buy two for the floor. We just have one and I'm fucking freezing and she's for, we can't even cuddle because we're fucking freezing. And she was like, I'm going to the car. Will you please come with me? And I could have probably stuck it out in the tent, but I'm not going to go let her go to the car. So of course I went with her and then the whole way home, we left at five. We packed our tent and fucking left my nephew and everybody there. Yeah. And on the way home, we were driving and we were so I was like, I don't like I have such empathy for homeless people now. I always have. But how the fuck do they go through that every fucking night? Like it was 32 degrees or 34 degrees and we had a tent at least keeping us somewhat warm and we had a blanket and fucking there's, I, we couldn't even make it through the whole night. No, it's so I can't talk to somebody about being homeless because I wouldn't fucking I don't, I couldn't make that. Right. I can't talk to somebody about living in the projects or being in section eight because I've never had to go through it. Right. But what I can do is I can talk to somebody about addiction. Well, and I think also, you know, because when I first went into the rooms, I was like, I'm not like you guys. Yeah. It's never homeless. I was never, you know, I, when an IV user, I didn't do weird shit. Like boo-fing and whatever. Yeah. I'm not a fan. But I was like, I ain't doing that shit. I'm a high class. Yeah. You know, I'm not sleeping with you to get some money to buy drugs. I'm sleeping with you and we're doing the drugs together. Yes. Um, you know, but I would go to these meetings and I was just, I would look at people and I'm not even still to this day. I am fully okay with admitting that like I am a super judgmental bitch. Me too. Yeah. Right. Like I am, I am, I love that. I never, fuck off. We are. Like as soon as I lay eyes on someone, my first thought is like, who the fuck are you? Or like, what are you wearing? You know, whatever. Um, and my, my sponsor was like, close your eyes when someone is sharing. And I was like, well, then I won't be able to know who's sharing. That's the point. Yeah. And so I'm like, and so I did. And like that's where I was like, okay, holy shit. Wait, I'm just like everyone. Yeah. Um, and when I opened my eyes, I was relating the most to someone who was homeless. Yeah. I was like, Oh my God. Yeah. Cause it's that, that internal feeling, right? Like we didn't have to do the same thing, look the same way, do all the same shit. Um, but that feeling of just like my, my sponsor put it perfectly. She said, your soul looks tired. And I was like, my soul is so fucking tired. And I even get that way in, in sobriety where like I keep trying to do it my way, my way. Um, and, and to the point where I'm like, I'm not going to get high. I'm just going to die. I'm just going to kill myself. Um, and I've reached this point of where it's like, how long are you going to keep doing it this way? Yeah. You know, like my soul is fucking tired. And I think, you know, within this last marriage, like it really got to where I was like, my soul is fucking tired. Um, you know, the last time that we had like an, uh, interaction, um, in any like romantic way. I just, you know, like when a, when a woman stops crying, when a woman stops crying, that's when you know, like, and I, and I would call my friends and they were over here like, bitch, why do you keep going back? Right. But like they understood it. It's, it's a drug. He was a drug. I kept going back expecting something different. Um, and it got to that point where I just was like, I'm not crying anymore because my soul was so fucking tired. Um, and that's, you know, it was like the jumping off point where it's like, I can either keep doing this and kill myself. Um, or I can go and like accept spiritual help and rely on the women around me. And when I first got sober, I didn't trust women. They either lied to me. They stole my dope. They slept with my husband. Uh, or they looked prettier than me. It wasn't hard when you're getting high. Yeah. I was like, I'm such a beautiful girl and I look back at pictures and I'm like, Jesus Christ. When that hard back up, but like, I didn't trust them and I didn't trust women from my birth mother either. And so it was like now when I look around my support group, there is not one man inside. Well, that's a lie. Black Rob, but like, we go so far back. Yeah. But like the, the women around me have loved me and supported me through this entire process through all of it. Um, and especially this last year where like I kept going back and I kept, you know, crying over him and then defending him and being like, no, he's, he's such a good person and it's not that he's not a good person. He's a great person. Uh, I had to say that because I'm like, it's not that he's not a good person. He is. Um, but it's like who I wanted him to be, you know, and I just kept, I kept putting my head through a wall and being like, I don't understand. Um, and it's not until the women around me were like, when are you going to see that you are deserving? When are you going to actually see that? Like you're, you're a beautiful human being that you're a great mom, that you're this, that you're that. And it got me like, it took me to that point of where I finally was like, okay, my soul is tired. Like when am I going to change something? Um, and I think, you know, a lot of times for me, it's like, it's when I stop crying over something. That's when like the emotions are taken out and I'm able to act according. It makes a lot of sense. I've never thought about that. Yeah. Cause when you stop crying over something, you're kind of over it. Yeah. Right. You're, you're over it and you can look at it as like a rational, a logical thing that you can act accordingly to like I'm not driven by those emotions. Um, and you know, I was that way with my first ex husband for the last couple of years where, you know, whatever he said, whatever he did, I was like, yeah, whatever, you know, shocking kind of thing where it's like, I don't hate him. I don't love him. He's the boys dad. Woohoo. You know, um, but with my oldest moving up there now, I've had to have a lot more interaction with him and my oldest son is like, that's my rod or die. Yeah. You know, and like he has been with me since birth and I'm now giving him the opportunity to go and live with this man that has not had any, any take on his childhood, you know, on like no school interaction, no medical interact, nothing. Um, and you know, recently it's like I'm giving him that massive piece of my heart and trying to take the emotional out of it has been extremely difficult and it's got me a couple of times like, like, you know, like going off on, on a step mom and I'm sobbing and I'm like, you know, just like you're calling me a fucking cut. Fuck you. You know, like I'm in a good old plane right now. Yeah. Right. And like a wholeheartedly would have because like that's the impulsive batshit crazy things I do when it's based off from emotion. Yeah. Right. Um, and so, you know, the women around me, you know, I call them and I'm like, I'm gonna get on fucking plane. I'm gonna beat the fuck out of her. You know, and she's like, no, you're not. Not a good idea. No, I'm not. Yeah. I'm not gonna do it. Whatever. You know, um, and so, you know, I'm able to pause right and like take a step back and be like, okay, this isn't about me. It's not about her. It's not about their dad. It's about our son. Yeah. And when I'm able to take that emotional aspect and not cry over it anymore, then I can show up accordingly. And that's when I'm like the most useful to people. Yeah. Yeah. Um, cause I'll cry in a fucking chair. We all know I love crying when I'm sure. Love it. Yeah. Um, drives it home. Well, and it's, you know, it's hard cause I think as you know, addicts like the longer we have sober, it's like, you know, almost like this idea that, you know, the longer you're sober, the more put together you are. Yeah. And like if you cry in your shares or if you are a little bit of a shit show or whatever, it's like, oh, you must not be working your program. Yeah. And it's like, no, I'm working it to the fullest. Yeah. That's why I'm feeling all this shit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, um, and like what really got me there was I was the person and I'm still the person I'll share where I'm at. I will share to this day, like, I hate myself, you know, like stuff like that. And when I have felt like getting high, I will share about it. Yeah. It doesn't matter if I'm four or five years sober. Um, I'll share about it. I'll share about how I'm about to put a bullet in my head. Don't call me after though. Yeah. I didn't answer my phone. Yeah. I'll talk to you. Okay. Don't call. I won't, and I thought, you know, when people are trying to like, come here and like trying to hug me like, I'm so sorry. Yeah. You're going through that. Yeah. Like my sponsor always says we pause when agitated. That's what it says in the book, right? We pause when agitated and I fucking hate that line because he tells me that. We pause when agitated. We don't. And like you were talking about emotions. My, my daughter's mom, we have a great relationship and there's a lot of things where I let her win a lot of the little battles and it's, it's fine. It's like, I put her through so much shit. Yeah. I feel like it's warranted. Right. Well, the other day she sent me a text and it was like, so I coached Katelyn's volleyball team. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I have way of practice on Wednesday. We play on Friday. Fucking love doing it. Katelyn loves doing it. All the kids love me. So she sends me a text and she's like, Hey, what do you think about me putting Katelyn in volleyball on Tuesday? It's a Tuesday practice and they play on Thursday. You'll have to bring her to the game and I'm like, well, I can't coach her on Tuesday because I got to work. She's like, yeah, no, it should be playing for a different team. So immediately I'm offended. The mother of me is like, I'm offended. I'm like, hold on, you're taking her. You're taking something. I love doing and you're going to put her in a different league where I can't coach her and then I've got to bring her to her game. I don't mind going to a game, but I want to coach her and she's like, well, that's real selfish of you. You want to be her only coach and I'm like, dude, you're taking something away that we love doing and I lost my shit with her. And then I said, you know what? Let me stop texting you. I'm just going to call you because apparently we don't, we don't communicate well through texts like this. Nobody does. Nobody does stop texting each other when you're mad. And I stopped doing that. And she said, I said, how dare you call me selfish? She said, you didn't read my text right. She said, I'm not trying to take your volleyball away. I want to put her in another volleyball league so she plays twice a week. So she gets better. I'm like, fuck. Fuck. I said, that's, that's, that's my bad. Right. She said, yeah. So you can still have her on Wednesday. I'm just asking since it's my day on Tuesday, her day, I'll bring her to her practice. You don't have to do that. But since the game falls on Thursday, if you're willing to take her to her game, I'm like, oh, we pause when I get it. Mike, I went and told my sponsor and he's like, would you pause when agitated? Did you pause? Cause it's something you get pissed. Yeah. So I didn't pause it off. I reacted immediately. Fucking. And then, you know, it's, it's something that me and Desa, Destiny's always like, I, Destiny doesn't understand sometimes how I let her have her way a lot of times. Right. And I'm like, you know what? It's, it's not really that big of a deal. Like I took my way and my advantage for such a long time that I, but on that moment when I heard she was taking volleyball, that's what my mind, my drug addict mind and the devil saying, she's trying to take that shit from you. I'm like, hell no, not today. And I was completely fucking out of line or wrong. And I had to call her and say, how I apologize. And then I have to worry about like, does she think I'm going back to the drug addict mentalities? Maybe she's going to fuck. Are you using again? Because that's how the old Mike would have acted. You know? Yeah. Yeah. Are you getting high? Get fucked. I'm allowed to have emotions. Maybe that's like a male female thing because like there are times when like, you know, my, my ex, either ex husband will text me and like I'm responding whether I'm, if I'm texting you and I got three kids or at least two kids right now run around like just bat shit. I'm not texting you warmly. I'm like, okay, cool. Love that. Whatever. You know, like thumbs up. And then it's like, why are you being a bitch? You're like, what's wrong with you? And it's like nothing. Like what? And I think, you know, when I am texting something just very like, hey, this is what's going on. Can you do that? They're like, what's your problem? And I'm like, and then they call me and I'm like, Hey, what's going on? Context is a motherfucker, man. Most of the time you can tell the shit. Once, once I have that shift, you can tell. Yeah. That's when I'm like, fuck you like going off cursing all that. But most of the time when I am texting, there's really, it's really not. It's read out of context. Yeah. Yeah. And then it turns into an argument. Yeah. And it's like, Jesus. Yeah. That's what I had to tell her. Hey, look, whenever we, let's stop texting on shit like that. Like let's text and they hear you picking up Katelyn at four. Cool. Perfect. Those are good texts, but we're going to try to change shit or add shit. Let's just call each other because I do take them out of fucking context. Yeah. Because even now, and it's not. Yeah. But for me, during my addiction. I always felt like how is she trying to get over on me? And she never was. Right. But I always felt like you're trying to get an upper hand on me or like if she offered you want me to pick Katelyn up for you today. I'm like, what's, what's in it for you? Like why is she doing this? Why is she being nice? Right. And I still had that mentality sometimes, even though I'm three years sober. I was 10 years like that. Yeah. So I'm still trying to wash away that and it still fucking pops up sometimes. Yeah. And it sucks. It's super easy for it too. Like if you catch me on just, it could be like a split second. They caught me at a time where usually when like I'm in my own head and I'm super insecure and I'm like, I'm not a good mom and this and that. And they're like, Hey, you didn't do this. And I'm like, fuck you. You know, like you don't even do this, this and that. Like I just pop off. Yeah. Um, because you didn't, it was for so long, you know, people have walked around on eggshells around me and I'm like, what's wrong guys? Like how are we doing this? Yeah. And then like the next moment I'm like, all of you are going to die. Yeah. Like kill everybody in this room. What in the house on fire? I don't even want it anymore. You know, and I forget that like I was so like erratic for from, from what? 16 till 25. Yeah. It was just insane. And he then even into especially this last two years for sure, where like, you know, the mental health took over and it's like, we don't know. You know, when is when is back? I mean, there was one time, you know, in my last relationship where it was a smallest thing, everything was fine. Uh, we had like a little bit of an art, not even really an argument. We were separating. Yeah. I walked out of the bedroom and he walked the door and that's where therapy like EMDR therapy. That's when I decided like, okay, now's the time I need to jump into that because something flipped in my mind as soon as I heard that door lock, something flipped in my mind and like I just started kicking the door down. Like trying to kick it. Yeah. Strong fucking door, strong door. It was not kicking in, but then for like a moment I was like, whoa, what the fuck are you doing? Becca, I'm sure he's on the other side, like getting ready to like start decking me. He's like, I'm waiting for this bitch. Getting the old football helmet on. Oh my God. Shit. He's got his feet up against the door. Yeah. Shit. Probably. Oh. Oh. Oh. He's probably like, this bitch assaulted me last year. Like she's got a knife now. Yeah. And it's like in that split second and then like a day later, I'm like, what's wrong guys? Yeah. Why is everyone, why is everyone so scared? Why is everyone fucking out? Why are you changing the locks? What's the fucking line? What happened? You know, and I do forget that just I do it and then I'm like, well, what's wrong guys? I don't understand. Yeah. It's like, I think it was forever ago and in their mind, it's like that was a year ago dude. Like that's not that long ago. Just yesterday. Or I couldn't feel it yesterday. Yeah. In my head, I'm like. No, I wash it. Seven years ago guys. Like that's crazy. Yeah. And I think it might be just like I'm trying to like blot out like the things that I deem as like super shitty or like things that I'm like super ashamed of that I've done sober because like I don't even have the excuse of like. I was high. I was high. Like I was an act of addiction. Yeah. And even when I was on, you know, trying to get stabilized on bipolar meds, which is a long journey. Mm hmm. It was like it got to where I was like, I don't even have that excuse anymore of like I'm mentally unstable because I wasn't fully mentally unstable. Definitely was not on the right meds. I didn't get on those until the probably February of last year is when I finally got on the right like meds that are tremendous for me. But I didn't need it's like I don't have an excuse. What is the excuse? It's a good thing. That's a I mean, it's a beautiful thing. It really is. I mean, I know that sucks sometimes, but accountability is a motherfucker. It's a mother. Power in that. Yeah. Right. Like the most like beautiful thing that I've experienced within this year is like I don't like making amends. Like I don't. People are like, I'm so excited for a man. Fuck that. Yeah. No, I have to, I have to go to you and tell you how I was wrong. I'm not wrong. Yeah. You're wrong. And even if I'm wrong, I'm not like yours. This is why I did it. Yeah. It's you. It is you. Yeah. I was wrong, but yes. And especially, you know, like friends that I'm like I'm one more like with friends. I'm like, um, okay, well, we had like an interaction. So I'm just talking to talk to him again. I have like five other ones. Like I don't really need them anymore. And so like I'll ghost them and then I'll see him again. And I'm like, oh my God, it's been so long. Yeah. Did you get a new number? And I'm like, no, it's so weird. Yeah. Text might not be going through. Yeah. Because I don't want to like take accountability. Not even like, I, you know, most recently I had this like really weird interaction with one of my best friends. Um, and she's been a major supporter, but like so weird. I don't know. It was a group text that we were in and I was like joking about like this all natural organic and joke, like joking about it. Right. And she had texted me and was like, Hey, you know, one of us might be offended. And I was like, okay. Yeah. And, but I was like, I don't, what? It's just, I didn't like it. It felt weird and she called me and she was like, I feel like you're shutting down. And I was like, no. Yes, bitch. Yes, I am. Yeah. I'm on my phone. Yeah. And I really almost was like, I'm just going to. Delete all the group chats. I'm never going to talk to her again. If I see her, I'm like, that's so weird. Do you have my new number? And like knowing me, I would go out and like get a new number. Like just be like, but I like working through that and seeing like, okay, wait, I really want to keep this friend. So like, what do I need to do? Like I have to make amends for like, for yeah, shutting down and like not communicating. Um, and the most humbling experience is making amends to baby daddies. Oh yeah. As a baby mama, I feel I am always in the right. Like I burst these little shitheads. Yeah. You don't know, like God, dear. Yeah. Even if I am wrong, I'm not like, they literally came out of me. Yeah. And one of the hardest parts was like making an amends in a household where people had come out of me or had been in me. Yeah. I don't owe you anything. Yeah. I don't owe you. I don't owe you. Matter of fact, I own all of you. Yeah. Um, but now, you know, it's like making these amends. Like, you know, one of them tells me, you just say shitty things so that way, because you know, you can make an amends for it later. And I'm like, you think I like going back to you to make a fucking amends? Buddy, I will die on the self righteous hill. But like, I just, I want to stay sober. Yeah. Like I want to like enjoy my life. Um, and so taking that accountability of like, even though I was right. Yeah. I could have said it differently. And that was another big thing, you know, because a lot of times I've had sponsors who were like, I'm not sorry for what I did. I was like, no one's asking you to be sorry. Sorry for 99% of the shit I did. I did it intentionally. What do you mean? I hurt your feelings intentionally. Um, but I, you know, nowadays it's like, I'm not sorry for what I said. I'm sorry for how I said it. Yeah. Um, and I just had to do that to a girl at work who constantly, constantly high on weed and I'm like, stop getting high. You're fucking up my paycheck. And as I made an amends and was like, I'm not sorry. Like I meant what I said, but I didn't have to say it like that. She's like, I'm stoned while I was making this amends. Yeah. Yeah. Um, but you know, taking that accountability of like, I can be a better person. That's what it's all about. I mean, for all of us really, I mean, even people, even normal people, what I'm saying, I guess, and we're all normal people. We, you cannot fucking, you cannot fucking convince me otherwise. We're all fucking normal. It's just the road you guys had to travel to get there is a little bit more of a motherfucker than mine. You know, and it's only every person in the world was like forced to work. 12 step program. Bro. I've, I've said it and I've told this motherfucker, as soon as he's done, I'll work the 12 steps with him when he gets done with his. I want to do it. I really do. And it, it wouldn't want to apply to alcohol or drugs for me. It's going to, it might be fucking harder because of it. Yeah. Once it, I realized that the 12 steps, like, yeah, they got me sober, but like how they keep me sober is like now that when it's applied, it's not around drugs and alcohol. It's about like real life shit. Yeah. That I'm like, how do I live like this? And my sponsor is like, there you go. And I'm like, I did that to get sober. And she's like, you do that to stay sober. Yeah. Fuck. Man. Yeah. Well, thank you for coming on. You're welcome. This is fucking awesome. Thanks for having me. No, this was great. I was so nervous that first and I was like, and you settled to write the fucking. I did. You just forgot about everything. I totally did. I told you that was going to happen. You did great. Great story. We'd love to have you back on. We always say this, but when you go up on that wall, you're part of the family now and our doors are always open to you. And if you need us to show up for anything that you're involved in, we're happy to do it. And, um, but thank you so much. Appreciate it. How do people find you? How do people find me? Yeah. What's your phone number and social security number and shit? I mean here, you can take my social because I'm in so much debt. You can have it. Now, how do they find you on social media? Social media. If any women want to reach out to you? Facebook. Facebook. I want to say that, like I'm big on social media. Um, there, I have an Instagram, but it's connected to my Facebook. I don't really get it. Yeah. Um, but Facebook, back at Hamel. Okay. I think I'm sitting on the ground with like, yeah, well, reach out. We got a lot of insights that couldn't help you out. I'll do my best. Thanks, Becca. Thanks so much. Thanks guys. And just like that, two addicts and a moron. We're done. We're out of this motherfucker. Yay.