Sarah Sherman asks about last meals and gross stuff

This is a Head Gum Podcast. Checking all state first could save you hundreds on car insurance. That's smart. Not checking that when you order a cowboy hat online, you get the right size. Big mistake. Now I'm showing up at the country western dance in a hat made for a toddler. Yeah, checking first is smart. So check all state first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with all state. All savings varies subject to terms, conditions and availability. All state, North American insurance company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. In partnership with Airbnb, let's talk a little bit about travel. Tig, as you know, I'm about to go on my first big tour around the United States. And while I'm traveling in a bus, I want to make sure I get a couple nights in a nice comfy bed that's not on wheels. So I'm going to book a couple nights stay on Airbnb. That sounds like a plan, Mae. What area are you looking? Well, I'm going to be in Florida, which I'm very excited about. And I'd love to find somewhere with a hot tub or a sauna that I can relax in. Maybe some nice nature nearby, like a big park or something. I love finding a home on Airbnb because I know I can get the place all to myself and I can read tons of reviews and make sure it's a great place. Airbnb also has guest favorites badges that show me the highest rated and most loved homes. I've just never gone wrong booking one of those. You know, I swam with sharks in Florida. Is that something you would ever try? I hadn't thought about that. But if I'm near the ocean, then who knows? Maybe I will. On the other hand, if I find a really nice place on Airbnb, I may just never want to leave. Chattin' the friends on the handsome pod. Chattin' the friends on the handsome pod. Cheers. Cheers. Welcome to the handsome pod. I'm Mae Martin. Sit in here watching the day go by with my pals. Fortune Feamster. And Tig Notaro. Woo. Yeah. What's up, you guys? What's up with you? What's your background? Where are you? What is going on, girl? Yeah. I'm on the road, so I'm in a lovely hotel room that flooded this morning. What? What? What? What? I woke up and I went to grab a water. There was too much of it. I was dark and I felt like a little bit of water on my foot and I was like, did I wake up in the middle of the night and get water and spill it? And it didn't occur to me to double check. I just kept milling about my business and then got ready and walked into the other room and the floor was covered in water. What? What? We need information. The room upstairs flooded. From their toilet? I don't know. I think so. Maybe, but I called and said, you guys might need to come in here. This seems like a bad leak and they waited like two hours. No. And then the guy finally came and he was like, oh, it's actually upstairs. I was like, oh, okay. So he got all the water. So Fortune, you stepped in dirty toilet water. Duty water. Yeah. Maybe it was a bath. Maybe somebody's toilet. Yeah. Maybe there's a bath bomb in there somewhere. No, you know it wasn't a bathtub. It was either poo water or it could be ghost. Ghosts make things wet. Ghost water. Yeah, they do. Ghost water. Yeah. So you got up in the night, you stepped in water, you thought, I'm just going to keep milling about my business. Well, it was this morning and then there's a big water stain on this ceiling and then there's a big giant water bubble in the bathroom that's going to pop at any minute. So it's a fun time. And do you want to release the name of the hotel and what room you're in so people maybe want to stay in your toilet water room in the future? All I'll say is that I'm in Salt Lake City. I don't need to bash the hotel. I'm not saying to bash them. They're just not in a hurry. I'm not saying to bash them. I'm saying give out the room and numbers so people are like, oh my god, this is the toilet water room. This is the bath bomb water. I'm so fortunate and walked in. We're going to say it was a bath bomb. Okay. We can say that, but we can. Did it smell bad? It did not. Did it smell good? I smelled like lavender. No. So that's been my day. It's cold here. I have on one of those thick, yeah, that was a jacket thing. This is very nice. I can confirm fortune is in one of those thick snuggly. My mommy bought it for Christmas. Oh my gosh. How old are you, fortune? How old are you, little baby? My tiny baby fortune. My mommy bought it for me for Christmas. What if the podcast was me and Tig and a five-year-old? Or what if we all talked like babies every episode? We were like, what have you been doing, fortune? I had a big sandwich and tomorrow I might have a candy. A candy? Well, my mom bought me ladies pajamas for Christmas. Pretty little ladies? Yeah, pretty little lady pajamas. And I was like, mom, I love you, but there's no planet on which I will wear these pretty little lady pajamas. And she's like, they're soft. I was like, look at the picture of the lady on the front. Does that look like, do we look similar in what we wear to bed? I'm glad to know that that never stops. Yeah. That happens to you still, May? Oh yeah, people will buy me clothes as a gift and they go, this is very gender neutral. This is just a good old sweater. And I'm like, it's a scoop neck ball gown. It's just a ball gown. Anyone can wear this. Yeah. Yeah, so I said to my mom, my mom and I have become very honest about presents. Where I say, can I just, I don't want to waste your money. Can you just, can I give this back to you so that you can return it and get your money back? And she's like, yeah, that's fine. And then we went to another store. She's like, I really want you to, I really want to get you something. Will you pick out something in this store? And I was like, I doubt I'll find anything. We walked in, found this right away. I was like, amazing. Yeah. Sort of forest lumberman. Yeah. Perfect for my winter. I'm doing a bunch of winter cities in a row, three in a row. So this is perfect. Anyway, enough about me. No, no, never. And what did, what did you get ginger? Money honey. Money honey. I gave her a big fat check. Oh, I like that. All right. And no, no present to go along with it. And what's whoever? Let's see. I took her to a nice steakhouse for Christmas Day. Yeah, that's all I ever wanted. So that's an experience. I filled up her car with gas. I took her to several lunches while I was home. Do these count? Yeah. Of course. Of course. Everything counts. I took her trash out. Yeah. Merry Christmas. And I made a whole, I made a whole list of everything I did and said, Merry Christmas. Did you really? No. I was like, oh no, then you took it all away. Here's a list of everything I've done for you. This counts as a present. Yeah. And not just this year, a list of everything you've done since you were born for gender. You're welcome. That's always a good feeling when somebody let you know what they did for you. You have those things in your face. I did this. Can I ask is Salt Lake City, is there a salty lake there? Is there an actual lake? And a city. Do you know, Tig, is there a salty lake here? There is. And it is disappearing. Oh man. And how come it's salty? Just natural reasons. No, I think I've made up in my head or heard somewhere that like through the shifting of the planet somehow that's like, it's probably wrong, but it's still like from the ocean somehow. Thomas, what is the real answer? The lake has no outlet. And so all of the minerals in the lake have nowhere to go. And so because water evaporates, it just gets more and more salty. So don't listen to me. Tig fact. And fortunately, you tasted the water in your hotel room that's leaking through the ceiling. Is it salty? Did you look it off the floor? No, y'all. I went, I did do bottled water just cause, you know, to be safe. Sure, sure. So yeah. Tig, how are you doing? Yeah, Tig. I'm doing well. I'm home alone. It's a little scary. Oh my God, you guys, what a funny bit you just did. Go to YouTube. Go to YouTube if you want to see two of the most talented, hilarious, successful comedians working today, doing some of their best stuff. Do a home alone. Let's do it again. I only did it like when I saw fortune did it. I just copied you. That's right. Yeah. Cause that was funny. I'm home alone. Ah! Ah! They did it again. They did it again. I have my magical headset on, so it's hard to do it. Your old Navy headset. That's right. We need some more khakis up front. So are you gonna like run around the house and eat your favorite snacks? Yeah, be in your ponties. Just go crazy. I do that anyway. You jump on the bed and your ponties. You just grab an apple and run around in your ponties. And just go nuts. How dare you. I'm picturing nuts. I'm picturing you in your sort of granny ponties and your granny ponties around the house. And you got an apple. Sashing around with an apple and just living my best Tig life. I love that. So why are you home alone? Well, Stephanie took Max and Finn to Palm Springs to see her family. I was going to go. We were all gonna go as a gaggle, but there was massive rain. And flash flooding. And so we just stayed put. And then when the weather cleared and she rescheduled it, I was busy. I have doctor appointments. And I'm recording with you guys. And I was just like, well, I'm probably gonna skip this trip. So. I'm going up to the desert today. Oh. Yeah, I'm going up to the desert and I'm driving up. In my car. Because you got my license. Yay. Oh my gosh. Do you drive around listening to Olivia Rodrigo? Okay, because she has a song driving less. Driver's license. Driver's license is so good. Yeah, so I'm trying to write a song about her song. If I write a song that's like, I wanted to write a song about getting my driver's license, but someone already did. Like that. It's a meta song within a song, but I'm having a lot of firsts, guys. I went to my first valet parking. I went to my first drive-through all by myself. And did you drive through? I drove right through it. I sat in the fucking line for 35 minutes. Sorry for swearing. That's a long drive-through. Yeah. Is it in and out? People are obsessed. You were at in and out? Yes. I see, for hours you're sitting in the drive-through. For 35 minutes sitting in the line, like people love, I could have just got out and walked in, but I thought. When were you in this line? Was it last night by chance? It was the night before last. Okay, because we exited the freeway last night. Yeah. We went bowling with my ex and her family. Oh, nice. And so we're exiting the freeway and we're sitting in this long line of traffic. And then Stephanie goes, oh my God, this isn't traffic. This is in and out. Yeah. And we were sitting, we exited the freeway and four vegans are sitting in line to go to in and out. That's funny. Yeah, people will just sit for an hour just to go through. They love it. They love it. I can't do that line. I felt like I drove on the highway to get to the arcade where I went with our friend Sabrina and her kids. And I was great by myself on the highway. I was feeling great. And then did my first valet parking for the for the arcade, which was funny and then then went to the drive-through. But then driving back. You valeted at the arcade. Yeah. You know, Dave and Buster's there. Like did you pay with tokens? But you got your car. Take it. It was a raffle ticket. I think the valet was for Cheesecake Factory. Yeah, it was. But I snuck in there. And then but I did get really scared driving back on the highway in the dark. I just got in my head and I wanted to go so slow and you can't. No, no. Unless you're Stephanie. Does she go slow? Not only does she go slow, she is like a magnet to a Sanford and Sun pickup truck. Oh, my God. That looks like it's headed to the dump. And there's like 10 million things piled on the truck with rakes and shovels. I get too nervous behind those. She doesn't even realize she's doing it. And she'll just like find that truck every time and we'll be driving behind it going. Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah. What song is that? That's the theme song to Sanford and Sun. Oh, nice. And I'm like, Stephanie. We're headed to the dump again. And she's like, oh, my God, I didn't even realize I was behind this. When y'all are all together as a family, does she drive for the most part? Yeah, that's her preference. Really? Yeah. Who do you think is the safer driver? Well, I don't want to get into this. I think we have a difference in opinions. Yeah, I think I might be. I think I'm the fifth. That's funny. Well, you know, it's fun to be driven sometimes. I'm done with being driven. I never want to be driven again. I'm going to be the driver. I love to drive. Yeah. I feel like it's changed my, I know it's only been like a week, but I do feel like it's changed my whole personality. You are more confident today. I feel, do you think? Yeah. I feel it. I feel more confident. I can see it. You have a little pep in your step. I'm feeling pretty good. I had a, I had a, the other day I thought, you know what, no one's coming to save us. Like we kind of like, you know what, you know what? Let's hear May out. Die on this hill alone. Let's hear you out, bud. What, what do you mean? I kind of thought, well, someone said to me, if, how would you feel if the rulers of the world had your habits and your lifestyle? And I thought, not good. And then I thought, I better change that. That's interesting. Who asked you that? I actually saw it on Instagram. Didn't you just say someone asked you? Okay, you've caught me in a little lie there. That's really embarrassing. I thought I'd see someone talking to me, to be fair, through the video. I guess it was probably an Instagram account called like, interesting questions. To ask yourself. And then tell people you had a friend ask you this. A close friend asked me this. He was like, wow, your friend is very insightful. Well, I was just like, that's such an interesting question. Who is this person? What other, what else have they asked you? Turns out it's AI. Checking all state first could save you hundreds on car insurance. That's smart. Not checking that you're picnicking in a peaceful area of the park. Look out, I was halfway through my cucumber sandwich before I realized I was sitting in the middle of a disc golf course. Yeah, checking first is smart. So check all state first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with all state. Potential savings vary subject to terms, conditions and availability. All state North American insurance company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. 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I think I was kind of thinking too, like I have a lot of friends who are having a tough time, I've had a tough year and I was just like, do I, because I can see clearly what they should do to fix their lives, you know what I mean? Because I care about them and I'm like, oh my God, I wish I could just get in your brain and fix everything. And then I thought, do I like myself as much as I like my friends? And then I kind of, I was like, that is at the heart of why we don't thrive as we don't like ourselves. We don't think we, or we're waiting, I'm done, I'm rambling, but I'm having a kind of come to Jesus week where I'm like, yeah, no one's gonna do this for me. I've got to like, yeah, get up in the morning and not that I wasn't in a dark place or and I haven't, like my habits are pretty healthy, but I'm just suddenly like, life's so short. And what do you think triggered that? Well, this experience I had with the psychic probably, and then also just caring for my friends and not wanting to have another year where I'm like sad in any way. And I'm just like, my life is great. Yeah. Yeah. Anyways, man, the Instagram posts inspired a lot in you. I know, I know. And I think that's a really exciting place to be, May. Thanks. I mean, and especially that, my brain just flashed it. Not that you're like, I mean, who knows, maybe you are, but I don't think you're serving food to people in need every day, but like even making, you know, doing that, coming out of your comfort zone and like doing things that are not in your regular day-to-day and learning how to drive and just, it's always so, you know, like going back to that question that your friend named social media asked you, but like that idea of how new questions, that's kind of what the show does too. It's like just, it triggers your brain in such a different way when you get asked a new kind of question like that. Or you step out of your comfort zone, you walk into this place to help people in need and those kind of moments that take you out of your, yeah, like autopilot mode. Yeah, and like being really mindful of your inner monologue and just being like, I, like, friendship is so crucial for that because your friends reflect back to you like, you know, nice things about yourself and the way I feel about my friends. So I'm trying to like check my, I heard another great quote from a close friend. And I- Named Facebook. Facebook. Yeah. I think this was another- My old roommate, Facebook, reached out to me yesterday. Yeah. It was like both fear and faith require you to believe in something that hasn't happened yet. And both of them are just, you're making it up. So if you're living in fear, thinking about the worst things that could happen or how everything could go wrong, it's like, well, that's not happening now. And so you may as well just anticipate the best things happening and have faith, everything's gonna be good and, you know. So I'm glad I have all these smart friends. Yeah. You're very lucky. These really pithy quotes. Not just good friends, but friends that are so connected to the world. To like millions of people. Yeah, yeah. You're really hooked up. Yeah. That is not what's appearing on my Instagram. What are you- What's on yours? Like, Pomeranians and people shoving food in their mouth, slurping it like- Is that a genre of video? Is people slurping? There is this thing where people are like eating on TikTok and the messier the better and they like are slurping their food up. It's disgusting. And also like kind of like a train wreck. You can't stop watching. And they get like millions of views. And they're like- And you're part of it. Oh my God. It feeds it up. You watch one cause you keep watching. You watch it, you got 30. Wow. Are you still on Instagram or are you just on TikTok? Both. Oh, okay. I like them both. But they both now have similar things where if you look at one video, suddenly you see a bunch of things in that. Bunch of slurping. Yeah. So I need to get to smarter TikTok and Instagram so I can get- No, ma'am. No, ma'am. Maze kind of questions. But it's all like sort of pop psychology that I get. But some of it makes you think. Yeah. Did you at least have a nice holiday? Was that more uplifting? Yeah. I hosted here for a bunch of friends and I cooked. And yeah, it felt good. I feel like the master of my domain in a way. Good. Bought a house, bought a car, got your license. We were driving to go meet my ex and her family for bowling and we heard the driver's license song and I was just like, picture you driving around. Listen to that song. The day I did my test, it was that pouring rainstorm. Oh, no. It was crazy, big puddles. And I think that helped me. I think the guy was just impressed I showed up. And it was a different guy. And the guy that failed me the first time, I'm in line at the DMV and he comes over and I roll down the window and he goes, oh, no, I'm gonna get someone else to do your test. Oh, really? Yeah, I guess that's the rule. So he's not biased, but I took it so personally. I was like, I'm safe. You can get in the car with me. That's hilarious. Now I have to ask you something. That sounds like a negative spin. The guy that failed me. Yeah. No, you're right. The guy who, so how would I frame it? The guy who didn't think you were ready? Yes, the guy who gave me the opportunity to practice more. Yeah. Gave me the opportunity to get better. Yeah. There we go. I was trying so hard to sort of warm him up. Like I said, you remember me? He was like, yes, I do. And I said, From wayward? From, you seen wayward? Number one IMDB search. Where are you landing on IMDB these days, May? Not that I haven't been tracking you. Thomas, can we, do you know how to check? While we're checking. You don't know how. Come on. Should we ask May how this thing got in their window? Oh. That looks like a newspaper clipping has been put up as a blind. May, did you know we would notice this? I forgot to take it down. Do you think you were gonna squeak that by us? Oh, you have a naked time in your room and you don't want people to see, what was that? Were you running around in your granny panties? Were you in my too? With the grand sea ponces. Imagine if it was, I'm like, yeah, I'm feeling great these days. And then it's newspaper all over my windows. And I'm just. It does kind of look like that. I had somebody staying in my guest room and I still haven't got around to putting the blinds in. And so I do have this like blackout fabric that you, and I stuck it with tape. Yeah, it looks sketchy. Also that's the guest room where you're recording. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I love that you make them look at your trophies. Listen, I just want to remind them. That you are number what on Star Meter. Oh, 132. That's still big. Is it? Yes. Yeah, because like most working actors are like 3000 or 4000. Okay, 132. What is fortune? I'm probably like 4000. This feels toxic. I think it's like, who's this? We should compete every time we get on here. I think the number is based on articles about you and how many people are searching you. 256. 286. 286? Really? Fortune is. Fortune. That's pretty good for me. That's really good for anyone. And then we've got 1,912. That all happened in my career. That's good. But I think it's just based on like people searching for you when a project comes out or something like that. No, it's solely based on talent and long-term success. And that's fine. I wish you both the best. I'll sit here at nearly 2000. That means there's 2000 more people than me having way more success. I feel like normally I'm like 3000 or something. I mean, me too. I don't think I've ever even made it on the list. I think this is the highest number I've ever had. Life is good, baby. Yes, it is. Oh, here, I have something. What is that? Just a little, I've hurt my neck because I started using a CPAP machine. What's CPAP? It's for sleep apnea. Yeah. Like I have tubes coming out of my head and also like a chin strap. I'll have to show you this video, Stephanie took of me. I put it on and I put my eye mask on in my ear plugs. And then she filmed me. I didn't know she was filming me. And then she put it to go into the chapel and we're gonna get married. Oh my God, that's funny. And she just zooms in on my face and then she pans over to my glasses that are next to my bed. And then the cane that I used to use broke my femur and had to have surgery. So that's, I can only assume she took the video because she finds me very appealing. That's right. That's right, very sexy. That's love, baby. Here, I'll show it to you now. But why did it hurt your neck? Well, I'll show you. Yes, I'll show you. Why this? They rubbed against you. Like you're carrying a lot of weight on your head. Listen, this is so, so mortifying. Are we gonna be allowed to post? Oh my God. Are those tigs out? Do you have your tigs out? Oh my God. Oh my God. Please let us keep this. Please can we post this? Thank you. Thank you. That is so funny. I look like I'm about to go scuba diving. Yeah, like big as I'm asking, I've never seen. Hey, listen, when I say I have trouble sleeping, I mean it with every fiber of my being. What's so funny is like that you tell me what is so funny. All these sleep aids for the person who is having difficulty sleeping and they don't take into account how hard it now is for the other person to sleep next to this haunting figure with all these devices. I know. It's exhausting. I know. And ironically, you can't sleep. I can't sleep. I have like a tube coming out of the top of my head. Why the top? That's the same path. Because I think it's either the front or the top. It allows for me to move my head. And can I tell you when that went on me, what Kitty City did, they were all like just stunned, like truly terrified. Anyway, that's what threw my neck out because I'm trying to adjust myself to sleep. And if I move in the wrong direction, then the air tube comes off of my nose and then sounds like an air, like a tire is gonna, is like, like just, like I've run over something in the car and my tire is going flat. And then I'm like, I'm sorry Stephanie. And then I say it really loud because my ears are plugged and I can't hear him loud. I'm sorry. Stephanie, I'm sorry. I love it. She's a cuckoo. Oh my God. So sexy. It really is. If only we could have seen that. It's true love though. When we first found one another and she was like, yeah, I'm gonna date a woman for the first time. Well, guess what? Guess what? It's headed in this direction. So do you have like a heating pad on your, on your neck? No, it's like Ben gay or whatever that medicine is. It's like warm and tingly. You know, it's the feeling of being gay. Yeah. I see hot. That's what it is. Ben gay is probably the 70s. How come gay isn't our last name? All of us. That would be good. Why didn't we call this podcast gay? Our last name is handsome. Yeah. Oh, we have to mention really quick before we get into our question because we never talked about it at our live show. What? That we live streamed. How amazing was that moment where Tig made a joke about a red bra? Yes. And one of our amazing handsome listeners in the audience, apparently somehow magically took off their bra in the middle of the show without anyone noticing and suddenly out of the darkness of red sports bra, it was this arone on stage. And that's what I talked about, not just a red bra. I said a cherry red sports bra. Cherry red sports bra. Can you tell me what was the joke? Well, it's one of the greatest jokes ever written. I was, I tried it out on Stephanie. I was lying in bed waiting for her to finish brushing her tooth. And I said, oh, I've just thought of something funny. How when people are going through a midlife crisis, they buy a cherry red sports car. And I said, I don't know actually what the joke was. Something about like, I'm gonna buy a cherry red sports bra. Sports bra. And that's, you'll know I'm having a midlife crisis. But you didn't, at the show, you didn't set up the car part. And so, man, I was like, what does this mean? Yeah. I said, my midlife crisis, someone buy a cherry red sports bra. And we were like, wait, what? It must have been 15 seconds max, 10 seconds, maybe this cherry red sports bra flies on stage. Flies on stage. And we, May and I thought you planted it. That you somehow set this joke up with someone. And then we turned the lights on and the lovely girl in the audience was like, no, I took it off. She has like maneuvered, like done one of those like under the shirt. Which is hard with a regular bra. If memory serves. But really hard with a sports bra, right? Yes. I mean, it was a record scratch, one of the greatest live show moments I've ever witnessed. It was like chef's kiss comedic timing. Our listeners are amazing. All three of us like got to our feet almost. We were all just standing there sort of stunned. Not almost. Didn't we all jump up? We jumped up. And we were all like on the edge of the stage. Like, where did that? What the hell? It was incredible. I said, well, maybe we can try this with other things. Like I love gold and then someone gave me a gold ring. But then I felt bad, I gave it back. But then the red sports bra woman at the end of the show came up and asked me to sign the red sports bra right on her. Boo. Right. And I threw her a twix bar because that was pretty amazing. But anyway, I just had to mention that real quick. Uber heading home. I just had to mention it real quick because that show was so fun. It was so fun. There's always something, several things that happen that are so unexpected and hilarious and nuts and crazy. And that's why I love when we can get together and do that. Our live listeners are unbelievable. So fun. The live shows are just so, so fun. Yeah. But anyway. Should we get into our question? We should. Let's do it. Today's question asker is an actress, comedian, and writer who has been a cast member on Saturday Night Live since 2021. She is known for her surreal comedy, which you can see in her new HBO comedy special, Sarah Squirm, Live and in the Flesh. Sarah Sherman, also known as Sarah Squirm, is asking today's question. Hi, handsome podcast. I'm Sarah. I know we haven't all met officially, but I'm a big fan of all of you. And I have a favorite. You have to guess which one. Just kidding. I just wanted to sow dissent amongst the podcast and see if any drama unfolded. My question is, OK, let's say you're on death row for a crime that you did commit. You didn't abolish the police, but you are getting strapped into an electric chair for a heinous crime you committed. What's your last meal? What is your death row last meal? And it can be, you can say, the meal, the accompanying drink, and the dessert. And if somebody already asked this perfect question, my follow-up question, and sorry for the inconvenience, my follow-up question is, I know you three have very busy schedules. You don't have time for inconveniences like this. Seriously, I apologize for the bottom of my heart. My follow-up question is, what's the grossest thing you've ever experienced? Bye. Oh. Wow. We've talked about food stuff before, but I don't know if we've ever done last meals. Yeah, let's do both questions. Let's do them both whenever it comes to you. We haven't done last meal? Feels like something we would have done. If we were food, what food would we be? And stuff like that. But I don't know if we did our last meal. I can't remember. And then grossest thing you've ever experienced, that is really, really good. Oh, I touched a wiener once. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. I talked about that before, but that was pretty gross. Nothing against him and his particular wiener. Yeah. I just didn't know I wasn't into wieners yet, but I guess I had to touch a wiener to know I wasn't into it. But were you dying to touch that one? No. And I was like, oops. He was just kind of like, you want to touch it? And I was like, I guess. And you're like, I got to check this off my list. Like, I got to just touch one. Well, it was just not. I mean, I was like, this is what it's supposed to feel like. Ew. So this is the grossest thing you've ever done. This is pretty gross. I can't believe it. So your may, your fantasy is the grossest thing that fortune has ever done. Wait, my fantasy is not just briefly touching a wiener. I've got bigger dreams. Yes, it is. Oh, you want to do things with that wiener? I don't. It just felt, you know, I didn't even know how to describe it. It was trying to like. I'm disappointing because you were like, I'm meant to feel something. It was. I mean, I was proud of myself that it was erect. I felt like accomplished because had it been not, I would have felt bad about myself like, oh, I couldn't even get it. But that's the grossest thing I've ever done. That's gross too. This is the grossest thing I have ever done is listen to fortune talk about making a penis erect. But you do want that result. So I was happy that that was in play. Why are you actually grossed out? Because also imagine how like I was like, I was like, imagine like this guy was if a guy was saying, yeah, I did something. I did something gay to try it, but it was disgusting. You'd be like, oh, come on. It wasn't discussed. But I was also young. I was in high school. Maybe if I had touched one as an adult, maybe I could appreciate it more. But I never presented it. So I think I've talked about the grossest thing that I've done. But it was when I left my retainer on the table in a diner, left the diner. Have I talked about this? Uh-uh. My mom said, do not lose your retainer. It cost $400. I said, of course I would never lose it. But I had the anxiety about it. And it was the first day I'd got it. I went to a diner with my friend. We're 13 and left it on the table. I get a block away, middle of winter in Toronto. And I'm like, fuck. And so I run back. And the waitress says, it's not here. We cleared the table. Sorry, it's not here. And she goes, you can look in the garbages if you want. And I went back. Garbages. Me and my kind friend, we go back into the kitchen. And they have big garbages there. And they have bags of garbages. Wait, what is this? What's weird about garbages? Garbages is poor. Garbage is poor. Yeah. I guess I'm thinking like garbage cans. Yeah, it's still just garbage. I like garbages. I'm so like, I'm sensitive. I'm sensitive. I'm sensitive. Wait. No, you wait. I looked in multiple garbages. No, garbage. Just garbage. I think you could just go. I looked in the garbage. I looked through the garbage. Or I looked through the garbage cans. I put on rubber gloves with my friend. And we start sorting through just rancid food waste. And this guy, he was a dishwasher back there. He was in his 40s dishwasher. He didn't speak English. And he felt bad for us. And he goes, I'll help. He puts on his gloves. And we start going through the garbage. And he holds up. Garbages. A lump of like true garbages. Just a lump of like poo, basically. No. And I always remember. He goes, hello, hello. And so he's so excited. And I go, no, that's. Hello, hello. Yeah. He's trying to get our attention. And I go, that's a lump of garbage. And he runs it under the tap. And slowly my retainer appears as the chunks of garbage fall off it. That is disgusting. The worst in your mouth. That's worse in the wainer. I took it on the subway back home, gripped in my palm. And then I knew my mom was going to check on my retainer when I got in. So I put it back. Yeah. But I'd rinsed it a lot. But, oh man, it was so gross. But that's disgusting. I will always remember like the smell of that kitchen. And it was so hot. And people were mad at us for they're like, get out of my way. And me and my friend were probably stoned. And like, I was gagging. And, oh man. Oh, that is. I didn't realize my co-hosts were so disgusting and gross. Whatever. But you must have changed a lot of diapers and stuff, Teg, like you've had exposure. Yeah, I don't find it gross. Yeah, you like poo. You like poo in the garbage's. I have something so gross that I did. That it's going to top touching a wainer. It's going to top rinsing poop off a retainer and putting it in your mouth. Oh, I can't wait. Give it to me. Well, you're going to have to. In fact, I'm going to take a moment of silence for you to have to wait. That's fair. All right, silence. OK. So this is also really crazy because I think I've mentioned I'm a bit of a germaphobe. Yeah. I've gotten better over the years. But you know how germaphobes kind of have glitches where you're like, oh, sure, that's gross, but you'll do that. But you all do this. And it's like, I don't know what to tell you. I'm fine with this, but I'm not with that. OK. Prepare yourselves. This is disgusting. And I know it. I'm scared. I was out to eat. And I think this was before I was a germaphobe. Right. And to me, this was just like whatever, nature, practical thoughts here, whatevs. I don't even know if practicals word. I'm out to eat with friends. This is Vietnamese restaurant in Houston, Texas. We're all enjoying ourselves, having a grand old time. Guess who finds Ted Roach in their bowl of food. Oh, my God. It's me. It's me. I found it. Is it you? It's me, Fortune. I found that. And I told the waiter. And the waiter went to take my bowl. And I said, that's OK. No. I'll eat around it. No. Oh, yes, ma'am. I'll eat around it. I'll remove the Roach. And then I'll eat around it till my other bowl comes. Oh, my God. You were hungry. I'm hungry, little thing. I got to finish this for the other bowl, cause. It was so good. But I was like, whatever. It's a Roach. Well, like, I'm sorry. Is that grosser than rinsing poop off a retainer? It might have in your mouth. Do you eat in your soup? Yeah, Roaches are pretty nasty, because they eat. Guess who's alive to tell the story? That weird shit. Hey, get off of me. Oh, my God. Get off of me. That Roach had just eaten the shit that was surrounding Mae's retainer. Retainer. And then it went on a weiner. Look, it's not like I've had health issues after that. None whatsoever. But I kind of get the impulse of being like, I don't want to have time where I have no bowl in front of me. Exactly. I was like, if there's no Roach on the other half of this bowl, I already took that dead Roach out. Would you do that now? No. No, I wouldn't. No, I wouldn't. No, I wouldn't. But yeah, I think I was probably like 22 or something like that. And did your friends all react like you were out of your mind? Absolutely. Yeah. Absolutely. That is pretty gross. Thank you. At least I didn't touch a weiner. And Mae? Yeah. At least I didn't rinse poop off of my retainer and put it in my mouth. Which, by the way. To clarify, it wasn't poop. It just looks like poop. But do you know how many Roaches crawled around on your retainer and pooped? A lot. OK. I think the desperation speaks to the fear I had about getting in trouble that remains to this day. The grossest thing really that I've ever experienced, I'm not going to put it on blast too much, but my mom used to have some hoarding issues. And cleaning her out of the last hoarding issue was probably the worst, one of the worst experiences of my life. Right. I've never heard that cleaning her out of. Cleaning the hoarder situation. And you did it. You were, you personally were like, I'm going to show up. And it was, I was still with Jack, so we did it together. Did you put it on your list of what you've done for her? It's definitely on the list. I've done it a couple. I've done it a handful of times in my lifetime for her. And it is a grand act of love because it was relentless. And it took us like a week and a half. And it felt like it was never going to end. Oh, wow. And it was it was bad. Sorry, mom, if you're listening and you're doing great now. Yeah. And how does that mean you hadn't visited her in a while or she gets a pile up real fast? She gets a pile up pretty fast, but she I had a place near her at the time. So when I visited, she would go there. And I knew I knew something was up because she wouldn't let us go in her place for like three years. Right. And I would be like, you have to let us in. She'd like, nope, nope, you're not going in there. So I knew something was happening. And then I decided to sell my place. And I was like, you have no choice. You have to let us see. Yeah, it was bad. I won't go into detail, but it was we can imagine so bad. But that's the thing. I there must be so much like chain around it and there was a retainer and poop. I sometimes my wiener. My algorithm feeds me. Yeah. Videos of hoarding situations being cleaned. And it's really satisfying the final product. Like, oh, yeah, finally, when when we were done and it was all clean and it was like a miracle. I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry every day. We were there doing this because it felt like it would never end. But we finally did it. And it is a triumphant moment. And she's doing great. It's she's in her place now. It we redid the bathroom. We got it fixed up. The walls painted. It's a lovely, lovely place. That's awesome. Yeah. Victory. Anyway, last meals. Last meals. Oh, we're doing both. Yeah, well, because the last meals pretty quick. I'm going shrimp dumpling wanton soup as a starter. Oh, it's a multi course. Last meal. Yeah, she said add add a drink and dessert as well. Oh, because I want that listening. I want like the Asian flavor. So I want like some bok choy in there, but just as the starter and then the main, I think I'm I think I'm doing like a chicken pot pie with like mashed potatoes and gravy and maybe some peas and then some peas. All right. And hilarious. I love peas and then dessert. I'm doing cheap birthday cake like. Oh, really? Grocery store kind of. This sounds like someone's first meal. A pot pie. It's very childhood. What is food? That is so funny. I think the dessert would be a Betty Crocker cake. One of those ones that you make. Homemade one. I love those ones. Oh, yeah. Drink. I'm doing lime cordial with like fizzy water. What is that? What is that? You know, I just asked. I pronounced it cordial, but I would say cordial. I self-corrected because I thought you guys would make fun of me if I said cordial. No, we never. Only if you said cordials. Only we say garbages. Cordials. A lime cordial with fizz. It's just like ice cold fizzy water with just like some lime concentrate in it. Oh, I bet that's refreshing. You know, like lime and soda. Yeah, and then. Yeah, you want to be refreshed right before you go out. Hell, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you're sweating. I think that's it, though. What about you guys? Tough meal to follow. I know it's a tough meal. It's usually the peas. The peas? You're not getting peas everywhere. And the peas would be with some butter and salt and pepper and maybe some like mint in there. Oh, interesting. Mint. I've never heard of mint and peas. Yeah, I do like a pot pie, though. What an odd moment for somebody to be like what they're on death row and they're giving their order to a chef. And if the chef was responding the way fortune was like, oh, interesting, mint. OK. Yeah. And what's an alarm cordial? All right, we'll figure that out. OK, anything else? Anything to go? The whole thing is so absurd. I know. And tragic and weird. We like and what would you like to have your favorite things for? Yes, like I'd be like, fuck you. Would you like to? Would you like us to sing your favorite song also? Yeah, seriously? Yeah. Yeah. What's your favorite color? We'll make it will give you a little bib. All right, final answer. OK, OK, for apps. Some I would probably do a I would do the Southwestern egg rolls from Chili's and avocado egg rolls from Cheesecake Factory. Whoa, egg roll sampler. Both veggie. I've never tried an avocado egg roll. What's that? I like Cheesecake Factory. They're so good. Yeah, I am coming to your final day. That's right. I want to try it. Maybe a chicken lettuce cup as well. I'm going big for my app. Clearly for my meal. I love a lemon chicken piccata. Oh, like a nice juicy piece of the chicken with the pasta, not some. Some piccata is mashed potatoes, but I would do pasta. And it would about a little bit of both since you're never going to have food again. Maybe and I would have it really limony and creamy with artichokes and capers and what kind of piece you're having? I don't know. He's in there. Get him out. And then, but then, you know, I love Pad Thai, too. So maybe a side of Pad Thai. And then for my drink, I'm doing because, you know, I'm about to die. So we're going we're going hard. Oh, we're going old fashioned with a great bourbon in there and a red wine cab. And then for dessert, we're going I'm getting two desserts. So this is going to throw up on my way out. This is not allowed to. There's a bomb everywhere. I'm doing a cheese, the Adam's Cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory. Oh, my God. What's that one like? That's the peanut butter one. Oh, yeah. Nice. Butterfingers. And then I'm doing from wherever a butterscotch Boudino. What's that? It's like a it's like a butterscotch pudding. Yeah, nice. And then, yeah, that's and then I'm throwing up. And then you're out. You and everyone in the finger. Yeah. What about a plane? What would I do for my order? Order fancy. Oh, we had a thing. You're having an order. Well, I think it's just fresh in my mind. Finn is very into. Is it called like popcorn cauliflower? Oh, yeah. Deep fried cauliflower, buffalo cauliflower. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I maybe have that for an app. I also like. All right, what did you two that were both so confused and grossed out when I said you combine two soups? Oh, yeah, that was interesting. I'm not heard of it. No, not grossed out. But just. Maybe Stephanie got I write about that. But it's like mixing tomato soup with carrot soup or something. Tomato soup, I have tomato soup, half like lentil or something. Yeah. No, I'm on board. And then I would go. I love this kind of like Buddha bowls that have like sweet potatoes and like purple rice and arugula. So is any part of you mushroom? It's your last meal like you want to have a cheese or a or a or a meat thing. No, you're done. Your body doesn't like it. That is so revealing. They're going out with meat. A big old steak and cheese. The people think that I am withholding. That's like what you're going to finally treat yourself. Yes. That was like during the pandemic, people would always ask her like during the pandemic, did you start eating meat and cheese? And I'm like, no. Right. No, no, it doesn't appeal to me. What I love is like lion's mane steak. Ooh, like a flower. Stake. Yes. Oh, so cauliflower steak, lion's mane steak. I would like that too. I'm going to throw up on my way out to go. I think we should do like a mass, like a like a group death. OK, we all go out. We just gorge ourselves and then just check our vomit. This is so dystopian. So the three of us are in one room and three electric chairs and electric chairs. And people are people are watching live stream metal cup hat. Yes. So we're like, oh, Reinser. You've got your sleep apnea. You got your sleep apnea machine. Yeah. So, yeah, I would eat all that. And then she's getting all over my face. And and then I would have king cake for dessert, which is that's the Mardi Gras dessert celebratory cake. It's like it's in a ring and they put like little things in it. Oh, like a baby baby. They're like my family sometimes would this is pretty gross too, but cook a penny in there. So like if you cut the piece that has the penny or the baby, it's good luck. And then you also host the party next year. But anyway, so I have not swallow it. Yeah. How many king cake related deaths are there per year? Do you think I think 74 people dig through every year? Seventy four Cajuns die. You know, 20, 24 people a year die from champagne corks. Well, dang, don't know how rest in peace. Auto. Yeah, maybe it hits the chandelier. And are you doing it? And are you doing a drink? The drink. And this is also vegan. I'd probably want like a milkshake that has like espresso beans in there and chocolate. Oh, yeah. I do an affogato. Fortune. Fortune. This is my. I want to add to my own affogato. You're going to be like reaching over. We're in our adjacent chairs. I mean, hey, I forgot an affogato. Can you go get me one of those? Yeah. Well, there you go. Amazing. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you for the support there. Should we hear Sarah's answer? I think we should. OK, my answer for my death row meal would be I'm lactose intolerant. So in death, I love the advantage of finally just getting to like totally evacuate my bowels in the electric chair. I would have a bacon double cheeseburger, a giant Dr. Pepper, not diet, because again, who cares? And a cannoli. And I just my ass would just let it rip one time. And then the grossest thing I've ever experienced was for a video that wasn't funny. I got a bunch of goat brains and raw and I cooked them up and ate them. Oh, it was funny, but maybe it was interesting. So my excuse for that was that I was 23. Well, it sounds like her last meal is also the grossest thing. Goat brains. Oh, right. Yeah. Any of it. Any of it. Sarah did indeed make a squirm. Yes, yes, indeed. What a treat. That was fun. It's always a pledge. It is always a pledge. Yeah, I can't wait to get back in the studio with you. Both of you, all three of you and another live show, hopefully sooner than later. Yes, please. In the meantime, I'm on the road. If anybody wants to come see a show, I'll be in Cincinnati, Indianapolis, Milwaukee, January 18th, Des Moines, Philadelphia, New York City at the Beacon on Valentine's Day. That would be a fun one for people to come. San Diego, I have a lot. It's on my website, fortunefamesture.com. I am about to go on tour. Please come and see me. Go to maymartin.net. I'm going to I'm doing 47 shows all across North America. It's going to be so dumb and fun. And I really want to see people and meet people, bring me your weird facts. And then also tonight, I'm at Largo with the Lisa Gilroy doing a surprise party where we are going to surprise each other. And I have some good stuff planned. Love it. Also love the thought of everyone coming out to see my tour. January 14th, Fort Lauderdale, Florida or Lando, Florida. January 15th, Tampa, Florida, January 16th. And what else? Oklahoma City, February 20th, Midland, Texas, February 21st. The list goes on and on and on. And there will be dates and cities added. Go to Tig Notaro dot com for all show information. And I will also be doing my shows with the incredible speed painter Amy Berkman, and we will be raising money for different charities at each show. It's going to be a grand old time. That's so cool. Go to Tig Notaro dot com. Yes. Oh my gosh. Check out Amy Berkman, man. Also, share your favorite episodes of handsome with your friends and loved ones. And let's continue to build the community and subscribe to our podcast and our YouTube pages. And how about the merch? Oh, yeah, we've got some new merch that's really cool. Handsome pod dot com. Represent it out in the world and see who you attract. Like you might bump into another handsome fan. Oh, I got you. Well, we got some really good stuff that just came out. So check it out. And until next time. Keep it handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, Fortune Feamster, Tig Notaro and May Martin. The show is produced, recorded and edited by Thomas Wulett. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and follow us on social media at handsome pod. What a podcast. That was a hate gun podcast. Checking all state first could save you hundreds on car insurance. That's smart. Not checking your new smart thermostat before going to bed. That's a sticky situation. For some reason, it programmed itself to heat the house to 90 degrees right at midnight. Yeah, checking first is smart. So check all state first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with all state. Potential savings vary subject to terms, conditions and availability. All state North American insurance company and affiliates. Northbrook, Illinois.