Claud is a Gift

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You just couldn't be smaller and I couldn't be bigger and together we form a hilarious odd couple. We're perfect together. We're perfect. When people see us on city bikes, they're like, look at those two people who shouldn't know each other. Father son. Father son. And you're the dad, by the way. Yes. And I'm your giant son. I just love you. How you been? I've been good. Will you tell me about your heart? My heart. Your heart is good. My heart and my soul is good. I just came back from Chicago. Chicago. It was like, it was a little plaza, but my whole family. When I'm back in Chicago, I feel it. Another version of me. I do love that song. I mean, it's such a good song. Yeah, but your family said you were saying. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I'm hyper. I just had a diet coke and some chicken and I'm like ready to go. Like an espresso shot. Truly, when you have chicken after you've been hungry for a while, it does feel like you've been infused with energy from God. Right. But turkey puts you to sleep. Turkey, not something to fuck with. But chicken, we're so up. And chicken and diet coke is like, honestly, I'm alive because of it. I mean, that powered a lot of people for a long time. I think that was like how they did the covered wagon rides. I think that's how they must have done it. They settled the West on diet coke and chicken. You've heard it here first, folks. But your family's in Chicago. Yeah. Yeah. I was like a little while ago and it was Lollapalooza and I had a lot of friends playing. And so I went to visit family and I went to Lollapalooza and I got my mom like an artist wristband and she was running around backstage. Wow. You got on stage. I did. You did Shelly performed with Clara. Yeah. Well, performed is generous. We like danced. Nice. Yeah. We danced. Like sometimes I'll sing with her, but this particular day was like there were flight delays and she got in really last minute and like there was just like we just got our headphones on like right before getting onto the stage. So like singing was like it would have been so I would have sounded terrible. Caleb. Yeah. That's okay. You wouldn't have wanted to hear that. Sometimes that happens. I always sound terrible when I sing and I do it anyway for love of the game. You're so good at singing. No, I'm truly around the house. You should hear me. It's insane. Can we hear a couple of bars? Yeah. What do you want me to sing? I don't know. There's a song called End of Beginning. And when I'm back in Chicago, I feel it. Another virgin of me. I'm singing it. Really good. That was so good. Actually hit. Yeah. That was amazing. Do you know what? Annie and I were singing. I made Annie go rug shopping with me yesterday. Annie DeRusso from the band. Where'd you go? Industry City. You've been over there? Oh yeah. Like South, South Brooklyn. South, South Brooklyn. It's like restoration hardware outlet, West Elm outlet, design within reach outlet. All of them are within a block of each other. I keep looking directly into the camera. It's fucking rug city. Look in the camera. That's what they're there for. The audience loves it. I can't stop. They're like, I can't stop. You're a handsome young man with a beautiful smile. Look into our cameras. We put three of them here to capture you. I made Annie go rug shopping with me yesterday. Annie DeRusso from the band. I made Annie go rug shopping with me and we were singing. And I don't want the world to see me. God is the best song. Iris. Yeah. Cause I don't think that they'd understand. Sorry, name a better song. Name a better song, Iris. No one writes it like that anymore. There was a moment in the 90s where music got made. Before and since there has been very little music being made. It's like you and three of our friends. I feel like a lot of music is being made. No, it's you and three of our friends and no one else is making music anymore. That's it. It's me, Kevin and Annie. Yeah. You're three musician friends. My three musician friends, I only have three. Yeah. And there will be no one that listens to this podcast that Katie Crutchfield is going to send me a furious text. Katie. Katie. Listen every week. You and four of your friends. Yeah. So I have four musician friends. Yeah, that's it though. The thing about laying back on the couch is making me feel very silly. You could ask me almost anything and you'd probably get away with it. I feel really comfortable right now. Yeah. This is power. How did you come out? I was gay? Yeah. We actually have a really good story about it. Oh my God, I'm so glad you asked. Hang on. You bouncing around on this couch. I'm just trying to get comfortable. Yeah. So I was visiting. Well, I mean, I feel like it always happens many different ways. Yeah. Wait, should I actually tell you? Yeah. I wasn't sure if that was a rhetorical question. No, I'm having fun. Okay, well, I went to visit Syracuse with my dad where I ended up going and I was like, you know, visit weekend for accepted students, whatever. And we got dinner that night at Dinosaur Barbecue. Of course. There's only two places to eat in Syracuse. Yeah. Dinosaur Barbecue and Positabilities. Exactly. No, it's true. I forgot about Positabilities. It's the only two restaurants. The Red Sauce at Positabilities and Dinosaur Barbecue. That's it in Syracuse. It's really that. Those are the two best. I had to film a movie in Syracuse. I know. You were just there for a very long time. And so I know a lot about the town now. I, okay, I love it there. Yeah. I went for college. You went for work. I have a complicated relationship with Syracuse. That's tricky. That's tricky. Yeah. They had us staying in a hotel off the highway. And at first I was like, man, crazy. They're putting us at a hotel off the highway. And then you look around Syracuse and you go, I don't know that they had much of a choice. There's not. There's not. There's not a four seasons. But did I like Syracuse? It doesn't matter. Did I? Did I enjoy a couple meals at Dinosaur Barbecue? Yes, I certainly did. And that is where I came out. I had like one sip of my dad's beer and I was like, I have to tell you something. And I was like, I was like, I think I was like, had hooked up with one person one time. And I like told my dad, I was like, I'm seeing someone. I was not seeing anyone. Yeah. What did your dad say? He was like, so does this mean when you go to Syracuse and then you go to a frat party at Syracuse, does that mean you're not interested in the guys there? And I was like, yes. That's exactly what that means. It was like how, like, it was like such a sweet way to freeze it without having to be like, I think I'm gay. You know, it was just like, when you go to a frat party, like, who are you interested? First off, no one because it's a frat party. First of all, I'm not there. I'm not there. I've never been to one. Well, you know I was in a fraternity all four years. I forgot. People do forget this about me. Thank God. What? Thank God they forget this. I feel like you would have been like social chair. Were you social chair? Close enough. President? I was no, I was the- Treasurer? I was the pledge educator. CEO. What's the pledge educator? Yeah. I think we were technically called new member educators by the school, but it was like, when people joined the fraternity, I was in charge of like making sure they pass all of their like membership requirements, like tests about the fraternity and getting their community service hours and doing all the requirements to join the fraternity. Because you know, you pledge for a semester. Right. So their first semester, it was a lot of their first semesters of college and it was actually really cool because a lot of them had just started college and I kind of became like a de facto, like, counselor for them. I feel like you would be really good at that. It was nice actually. I mean, in other fraternities, it's like, this is the guy who hits you and makes you drink. Right. But I was like, and don't forget to call your parents, you know? Right. Because you were gay. Yeah, of course, yeah. How did you come out? To whom? Like, what's the best story you've got? The best story I've got, I- Did you come out in college? I came out publicly in college after my freshman year. Okay. I came out on a Facebook status as bisexual. I came out to my mom the day she dropped me off at college and then I immediately went and hooked up with a guy, a residence advisor. What's the funniest way I came out? Probably, I was hooking up with a guy friend of mine in high school and he really wanted to come out, but I didn't. And so then he outed me to like three of our close friends. No, that's horrible. And then I was like, I could either deny this or just run with it. I was pissed and devastated, of course. Shout out. But he's a very good friend of mine to this day and I don't blame him, by the way. It's like, I should have just come out to them. We were all very close. It doesn't mean he should have done it, but like, it's fine that he did. But then I, to the girls that he kind of outed me to there, like, is this true? This is what he's saying. And I was like, I was like, yeah, I guess if he's saying that it's true. And they're like, okay, why didn't you tell us? And I was like, I don't know. And they're like, okay, well, anyway, do you want to go to Applebee's? Right. And I was like, yeah. Right, right. And then we went to Applebee's, which is fully where I worked. So, right. You worked at Applebee's? Oh yeah, I was a neighborhood expert. Wow. Yeah. Did you ever drop out of high school? Yeah, I worked at a toy store. Fuck yeah. You'd be so good at toys. I worked at a toy store called Tales and Toys. Knock it off. And it went out of business, like, as I was working there. Yeah. Which I think makes a lot of sense. Did you get free toys? I didn't get free toys. Fuck. It was such a cute store. Like, that's where I got my toys when I was a kid. Like, my toys came from that place and like, even had the same, like, wrapping paper from when I was a kid. So, when I would be like, wrapping presents, the paper was so nostalgic for me. Yeah. That's so sweet. I know it was sad when they went out of business. It was a big toy. What's the best present you've ever got? As a kid. Or in life in general. What's the best gift anyone's ever given you? And you can't say the gift of hope from our friendship. That's... Fuck. You can't say the way that our friendship has gifted you with hope. You can't say something different. Okay, what's second on my list? Right behind hope from our friendship. Yeah. The gift of hope from our friendship. I have given you the gift of hope via our friendship. What is the second best gift you've ever got? Okay, okay, okay. I know. I know. When I was growing up, there was this store in... I have no idea where it was. Somewhere in Chicago. And it had all these little yard metal little statues at the store. And I wanted one so bad. And my dad's like, you don't have a yard. And I was like, I really want one. And I think from my birthday that year, he got me a miniature metal pig with wings. And I put it in my room. What? I put it in my room. You still have it? No. I wonder if he does though. It really is really hard to hang on to. It's kind of clunky and like, you really do need a yard for it. Yeah, I was in my room like next to my bunk bed. Like this is the best thing anyone's ever on me. That's a really sick gift. I slept next to it. I loved it. Did you name it? Flying Pig. Of course. I think I just referred to it. Yeah. Flying Pig. Where's my fucking head? What am I talking about? So yeah, the gift of hope that I've given you via our friendship and then the Flying Pig. And then Flying Pig, yeah. That's beautiful. Two best gifts. What's the best gift you've ever given? The gift of... You can't say the gift of hope via our friendship. Gift of hope via our friendship. No. I can go like this. Yeah, I can tell that sitting is a real touch for you. She's on the couch. That's fine. It's not our couch. She's on the couch. Yeah, it's fine. Don't even sweat it. Okay. Best gift I've ever given? Come back to me. Easily. Anyone else in the room? What's the best gift I've ever given? I'm not going to give a gift. I don't give gifts and I don't really like giving them. I'm trying to think the best gift I've ever gotten... You know what? What? When I was on tour most recently, my friend Carly, Carly Cain, friend of the blog, set out. Yeah. Carly went over to my apartment, got rid of my couch that she knew I didn't like and brought in a new one that I had picked out. No. Put it in there for me and then hung up some artwork and brought in some plants. I spruced up my apartment while I was gone and I came back. That's so nice. It was the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me. That is so nice. That's so thoughtful. Yeah, really nice. I really love that. That's really sweet. And gifts I've given? Probably just the gift of hope that I give to all my friends. Right. Yeah. All my friendships. Well, it's a very generous gift. Yeah, I infuse it into all my friendships and I think that that's probably the biggest gift I give. Wait, you don't like giving gifts. I just don't like getting gifts so I don't participate in giving gifts that often. I feel like I'm very stressful when people are really into like birthdays and gifts and like that just really stresses me out because I don't care if you do it for me. So I just want you to love me the way that I love you. That's really sweet. You know, just to not be stressed out about gifts. I love giving gifts. That's beautiful. I like if my gift is ready a couple weeks before I'm supposed to give it, I'm like, I want to tell you. That's so sweet. Let me tell you. That's really sweet. I love that. I love giving gifts. You've never given me one. It's okay. It's no big deal. The gift of hope. Just the gift of hope from our friendship. Isn't that enough? That is enough, actually. What do you think is the least hopeful you've ever been? That one's a joke. Don't answer that. Don't answer that one. Don't answer that one. No. Okay. Let me ask you this. Fuck Mary Kill. Chicago. New York. Atlanta. Don't say, okay. Chicago, New York, Atlanta. Yeah. No. That's too easy. I didn't say LA because I wanted to be different, but it has to be LA. It has to be LA. Fuck Mary Kill. Can we be like, no, you have to answer that one. I don't want to. Boston, Chicago, New York. Boston, Chicago, New York. Okay. I feel like I'm going to get so, I feel like there's no right way to answer this because everyone's going to be mad. No. I would. Oh yeah, you two are also. I know. You're actually two or, I two or two, but comedians can be mean to places they tour and get away with it. I've never tried to be mean to the places. You've never tried to be mean. I don't think in general. I've tried to be mean. Really? Yeah. I think so. To who? Well, when you left the room earlier and you told everybody to be nice to me, I said, you could say whatever you want. I'm still going to tell them you were mean. Whoa. That was mean. That's really nasty of you. Yeah. I know. And then I said, just kidding. Like immediately. Like immediately. This couch is tough, right? Yeah. Because it's like I'm not quite comfortable. It's just like not really off the ground at all. Do you want to need this pillow? No. Thank you though. I think maybe I'll just do like this. I look bad. God, I look bad. No. I'm going to stand up real quick. Don't cut any of this. You look amazing. Well, it's just like the thing of it is this feels really comfortable actually. Should we stand? No, we can't. Everyone's going to get mad because of the cameras. Oh. But I'm going to try sitting like this. Okay. This is better for me. Is this good? This is good. Really? Yeah. But I think that's just because I've been moving and then now I've been sitting for a long time because we did Z-Ways episode right before this. Oh, okay. And so now my body's like what's going on? Are you active or are you lazy? Make a choice. Right. It's retaliating. What's the laziest you've ever been? Summer. Always? Every summer. Yeah. It makes a lot of sense. Summer. It's summer. It's lazy time. I'm just sleeping a lot. My laziest era was for sure my last semester of college. I like truly did nothing. I moved. I moved never. I laid him. I was so depressed. I laid him bad. I took my meals in bed like a Victorian woman who was dying. Wait, where did you go to college again? Missouri State. Go Bears. Go Bears. In my SSO URI state. We love it. That was beautiful. That was beautiful. Wait, you went there too? That's where we met. Wow. That's so nice. Yeah. The people you meet in college are the ones that you know forever. Is that the saying? Yeah. Chance is kind of like a, do you know when you receive a parasite? Yes. That you can't get rid of? Yes. That's what chance has been to me. It's just like that. But you do begin to love the parasite because you don't know yourself without it and it's causing you to lose weight or whatever. You know you find things to like about the parasite. Chase, that's so nice. Chase. Chance. I know. It's the weirdest thing. I'm so sorry. Don't be. He loves it. This is only our second time meeting. I'm so sorry, Chance. But that's one too many times. Do you think it's so weird though that I'm not kidding. I have never in my life experienced something with the name Chance. People cannot get it. Don't be. It's Chase every time. I always say Chase the Rapper. No, it's the name. I'm telling you, it's not the guy. I'm kidding. It's the name. I'm kidding. I come from, no. Chance the Rapper. I come from a really long line of people who one, get names wrong and two, get phrases wrong. Yeah. Like yesterday I was walking, not to keep talking about my dad, but he, I was like, oh, I'm so tired and you know, lol of lusa. And he was like, do you have time to nap today? And I was like, no, I don't have time to nap today. And he goes, well, when you get older, you'll die. And I was like, do you mean you'll sleep when you're dead? But hear him out. When you get older, you'll die. But hear him out. That's what he said. In his incorrectness, he made a brilliant point. When you get older, you'll die. And you will. It was really like shell shocking to hear that. I was like, what dad? You're like, I'm a little sleepy today. And he's like, we're all going to die. And you're like, fuck, okay. But he meant to say, you'll sleep when you're dead. You'll sleep when you're dead. Yeah, that's really funny. He was close. I kind of love him. Cheek. Yeah, you should have him on. He's kind of my diva. Like some people have pop divas. Yeah, he's kind of like you're like, what, Beyonce? Yeah, or Madonna or something. Right, you're Madonna. Yeah, he's like the diva that inspires me. My North Star diva. He's your waxahatchie. He's my waxahatchie. Dadahatchie. That's so sweet. Yeah, waxedatchie. There we go. Yeah. What's his name? Todd. Todd. Ahatchie. I told him I was Dadahatchie. I told him I was going on a podcast today. He told me to kick ass. I think you are. I think you're totally kicking ass. It's not a soccer game. It's not a soccer game, but you're totally kicking ass in a way. Thanks. Don't you feel? Yeah. This is only the second podcast I've ever been on. What was the first? I don't know if that's true, but the second one I remember being on. What was the first? Girls Rewards podcast. Oh, nice. What did you talk about? Well. What episode did you do? Did you do, did you do, did they do specific episodes on that? We were on Broad City, which Broad City is like my favorite show ever. And so, which I was really excited to do. And it was the Shania Twain episode. Fun. And like RuPaul's first appearance on the show. Really fun. It was a really good episode. Really fun. And Juan DeSyke's first appearance on the show. Wow. Big episode. It was a huge episode. Those two are great. And I still just managed to talk about myself the whole time. Yeah. Instead of Abby and Alana. That's okay though. Sometimes we're just supposed to talk about ourselves on podcasts. That's kind of the point. Really? They can be whatever we want them to be. Really? Yeah. Are you working on any music right now? I'm trying to. How's it going? It's good. It's good. I have a lot of clarity on planes. I'm realizing. I'll be writing for weeks and then I'll take a plane ride. And I'll be like, this is terrible. This is amazing. It's so clear to me for some reason. Yeah. When I'm on a plane, but when I'm writing, I'm like, it's very cloudy. I just don't know what's going on. Yeah. What about you? Are you writing music? Mm-hmm. Are you? Yeah. Can I produce your album? Yeah. Are you kidding? If I made an album for real, you could definitely produce it. Really? Yeah. I don't see why not. I'll tell you something. I'm being really good today. I'm moving. I'm packing. I'm doing all the things I'm supposed to do. I'm being very responsible. Tonight, I'm going to get a type of high on marijuana that they frankly might outlaw soon. Like I am going to get comatose high on marijuana tonight in a way that you can't even almost believe. I'm going to FaceTime you tonight and screen record it. Mm-hmm. And then post it. And put it into this episode. Yeah. We're going to retroactively edit it into this episode. Right. You've edited it right here. Yeah. I don't get it. Do you get high? Not really. I smoked a lot in high school and I think that changed something. See, I didn't. I'm opposite. Do you know that theory of like you only have like 11 good smoking years in you or something? That really scares me. Nine, seven. That really scares me. Eleven. Sorry. Which one? I don't know. I think it might be seven because eleven feels like a lot. Or maybe even four. I did those seven I would say. Yeah. I didn't start smoking weed until I was 26 or seven years old. Oh really? Maybe 27, yeah. Wow. I never did before that. Oh, you missed like smoking weed in high school and like going to 7-Eleven and getting a slurpee. I think that's really good that I missed that. It was so fun. I know, but I didn't need it. I think it was good that it didn't find me then. We would see like a cop in the 7-Eleven and be like. Just getting our slurpee. Sir, we're allowed to by the way. That's so fucking funny. Oh my God. Oh my God. That's so funny. Now I'm just getting, I say I get high like maybe twice a week. That's a good number. It feels okay. I feel fine about it. What do you do? Do you watch a movie? Sometimes watch a movie, go on a walk, go out to a bar with a friend. Hang out. Hang out. I don't drink. I think we might need to end drinking in general. As I'm hungover right now, I would agree with that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I left. Shut up. Wait, one time, one time, one time that was me. I was on mushrooms and I had a duplex apartment. It was like two bedrooms. I had three roommates. It was like two bedrooms on the top floor, then a staircase that went like right into the living room kitchen and then two bedrooms on the top floor. And I was on mushrooms and I was sitting on the top of the stairs and two of my roommates were having a conversation in the kitchen. And they were talking about these people we knew from college and the guy was always leading the girl on. And I knew these people from eight years ago or whenever. At least I thought I knew them. I'm not even sure if I really do. And I was sitting on top of the stairs and I was like, you're right, does lead her on. And I was crying. It's so true. And she's so sweet. And he like, I just don't think he even knows he's doing it. And then like five minutes later, I hear them go, hello. Hello. They're like, someone there. No. For five minutes. That is so funny. Oh my God, I'm crying. I was like responding to their conversation. Yeah. Thinking they heard me and I was part of it. One time I was helping a friend move who was on my bad side. And so I was talking negatively about them while we were helping them move. And I had moved the mattress mattress that I was on the front end of carrying a mattress behind me like kind of like this. And my other friend was behind and we were carrying it together right out of the house. And then we're walking down the street to the car to like put it in there. And I start talking shit on the friend that we're helping move, not realizing that that friend had taken over the back end of the mattress from my friend. So I was talking shit to them about them without realizing it. So I was like, I was like, yeah, I just don't know what the fuck he's thinking. Like God, he's like, he's like totally like, I don't even know what I was saying, but I was talking so much shit. And then I turn around when we go to put the mattress and he's just like, hey. And it was so fucking awkward. That sucks. But also I wasn't wrong. So I was just like, I literally spent, sorry, went back and grabbed more stuff from the house. What's your friendship like now? Really strong. But it's complicated because he's, he has a really important job. He's the president, which is like so random. Yeah, of the country. And so it's just like hard because he's like, obviously, I don't feel like he's switched up, but he's just gotten really busy. Right. Right. Like so he's been the same as he's always been. No, he's like still, my friend is in there somewhere. But it's like, he's busy and like, yeah, he's just been like, we don't talk as much on the phone as we used to. As much as you'd like, I bet. That's really hard. But I remember the good times and like, I have hope that when he's not in this job anymore, like, we'll like kind of get back to the way things used to be. But sometimes you can never go back to the way things used to be. Right. I mean, but we used to have so much fun. Yikes. Yeah, it's hard. Sometimes you think it's a really big job and they like, I don't want to say he's changed because that doesn't feel fair. But like, yeah, he's just like going through with something right now. So like, and that happens and that's like sort of the cycle of friendships. Like, yeah. But you know, when you get on the other side of this, your friendship is going to be stronger than ever. I had somebody tell me once that when your friend gets famous, you have to give them three years to be really weird. I think I know who told you that. Yeah. Yeah. Who? Grace. Maybe. Or did I tell you that because Grace told me that. Someone told me this. Someone in our friend group is spreading this. And yeah, that's what's happening with DJ. Okay. Oh, this is Donald. Yeah. I just call him DJ. It's like from back in the neighborhood. Right. Yeah. I just hope that like he'll, I don't know. I just hope he'll like come out on the other side of this job, like the guy that I used to know. He's not taking the fame well. No. It doesn't seem. It's gone straight to his head. It's gone straight to his head and he's being like, yeah, I don't know. We just like, we used to joke about stuff. Like we'd be like, oh, you know, like whatever. But like now it's like he's really doing really crazy stuff. I thought we were kidding, but it turns out he was serious. That's really it. And he thought everything he was saying was a joke. Yeah. Like he'd be like, oh my God. No, like yeah, we used to hang out back in the day and he'd be like, I'm going to do mass deportations and I'd be like, DJ, but then no, he straight up is, which is crazy. Oh, Caleb, I'm sorry. I know it's hard. And it's hard. But sometimes your friend succeeds and like things change. I can't even remember why we started talking about this. Well, that's because it's gone on for so unnecessarily long. It's like the podcast is over. He's going to be like, he cannot still be doing this. Yeah. Anyway, no, let's change the subject. But you're right. I would, I always forget, I'm very forgetful. And there's always something I forget to say and then I really don't forgive myself. Because I really want to tell you things. Maybe instead of trying to be better at remembering, you could get better at forgiving yourself. One time, Caleb, I asked you, oh my God, Chance, don't cry. It's okay. Chance is crying now because I'm so profound. One time, Caleb said to me, one time you were like, I was like, Caleb, you're so good at making decisions. Do you remember that? I was like, you're so good at making decisions. How are you so good at making decisions? And you're like, it's not that I'm good at making decisions. It's that I can handle it if I make the wrong one. Yeah. I have a lot. I tell a lot of people this in my life. That is, I tell so many people that in my life too because you told me. Yeah. Well, that's what it is. It's people say this to me a lot. I have a lot of friends that are indecisive and struggle with decisiveness and they ask me the same question of like, how are you so good at making choices? And like, it's not that I never make the wrong choice. It's just that I know that if I make the wrong choice, there will be consequences and I'm prepared to handle them. Right. And that's just what, you just have to get, you don't have to get better at making choices. You have to get better at accepting consequences. Right. That's all. It's just so good. Thanks. And then I was like, my response was like, I can't handle it when I make the wrong decision, which is why. I can't make a decision. That's really fair. Anyway, I'm going to get into my story. Yeah. Tell you a story. Okay. So I was, it was, it was like really, really, really hot day and I was the train, the trains weren't working and I was running late to a meeting and I had to take an Uber into the West Village. Yeah. Do you know the story? Yeah. I love the story. Wait, how do you know it? Did I tell you? You told me when we were biking. Oh yeah. Is it okay if I tell it now? Of course it's for them. I'm nobody. I was in an Uber and I was, so I was heading into the West Village from Brooklyn and I was heading up like sixth Ave and sixth Ave turns like one, the far left lane goes to the Holland Tunnel, which goes to New Jersey and it's always like so backed up and I was in this Uber and the Uber, like I was, the whole ride was supposed to take like 25 minutes and I had been in the car for like 40 pieces because he was like kind of not, just he wasn't driving great. Yeah. And so we were in the city and I was like, oh my God, like I've already missed the first like 20 minutes of this meeting. Like this is horrible. And we're sitting on sixth Ave and I'm like, okay, finally, like it looks like the traffic is like breaking up on sixth Ave. Like the Holland Tunnel lane is like standstill traffic, but there's three other lanes going up sixth Ave that are just like flying. I was like, okay, like all I'm texting like be there soon. And I'm like texting, texting, I look up and I'm like, we're sitting in the Holland Tunnel lane. And I was like, oh no, like if we go to New Jersey, like my whole day is over. Like I'm in the Super 4 Another Hour. So I was like, excuse me. God, I cannot imagine you trying to do this. I know, because I was like, I know, I'm not like, I never say anything ever other than like, how's your day going? You know? But I was like, excuse me. Like, I think this is the Holland Tunnel lane. And we're already, we've been sitting in this lane for so long, it's already like the dotted lines are gone. Like it's a single line. Like we're about to turn left into the Holland Tunnel. And I was like, the Holland Tunnel was a fucking nightmare. It's a nightmare. It would have added like an hour. Yeah. And I think Uber charges me for that. So I was like, excuse me. Like I think you might be in the wrong lane. And then he just starts like yelling at me. And he's like, you think I'm in the wrong lane? Why don't you drive the wheel? Like, well, like, I'm sorry. Like, I'm sorry. Like getting the passenger seat. I'll drive us. I'm in the right lane. This is the right lane to be in. Like, I was like, I'm so sorry. I said anything like totally like keep going. He's like, I can drive the car. Like, I'm going to drive the car. I was like, okay, okay. And then his phone rings and he answers immediately. And it goes on the car phone and it's like, happy birthday. And after like 40 seconds of like back and forth. And then we went to New Jersey. And that was my birthday present to him. It is so funny for him to be screaming at you, get a happy birthday call and then do exactly what you were worried about. I was like, King. I was like, look what we've done now. Where we ended up. There are people missing me in the West Village right now. I missed the entire meeting. That is so funny. Did you get forgiven about the meeting? Yeah, I was fine. I'm like early. I'm always early. Yeah. And so when I'm running late, it's like a fighter. Like my whole body starts like freaking out. It makes sense. That's not your nature. No, it's not my nature. I have a problem where anytime I'm early, my friend will inevitably be late. And so that's just my luck in the universe. So it creates these wait times for me that are like 40 minutes. We're like, I've come 15 minutes early and they've come 30 minutes late. Right. And it has amounted to me sitting here for 45 fucking minutes. That's tough. And so then I'm more upset with them than I even deserve to be because I exacerbated it by being early. Right, right, right. And the whole thing is just a nightmare. That is really hard. And I'm not European, so I'm not OK with this. No. I think being on time is really nice. I love being on time. Maybe this is my hot take. Yeah. Being on time is like. I think it's really rude to be late. Yeah, I really do. I think it's so rude to be late. I know I try not to care so much because things happen, but it's like, man, I really don't. I feel bad when I do it and I really don't like it when people do it to me. I don't like it. Like I don't like it. I talk to people when I'm running four to five minutes late. Yeah, I'm saying I say like 10 minutes before if I know I'm running like five minutes late. Yeah, I say I'm so sorry I'm running five minutes late be there soon. To me, it's seven minutes. Seven minutes is the moment where it's because that's 10 almost that. Yeah, seven's where it's like now I'm looking around going where the fuck is this person? Right. Five minutes ago, of course, seven minutes is when you need to say something. 20 minutes is when you need to be very apologetic. 20 minutes is like you've done something crazy to me. Yeah, yeah. 15. You didn't plan correctly. Exactly. Or someone died in front of you. Like something has to have happened. It was crazy. If you're regularly 20 minutes late to stuff, I do feel that you're rude. I think that's really rude, but some people have like really. Like bad time management skills. Yeah, it's like it's like it's like you're born with it. Like they just don't know how to get somewhere on time. Yeah, I don't. I struggle with empathy for that. Me too. I really do. Because we teach it to kids. Cheers. We teach it to kids. Sometimes adults tell me things that they struggle with and I'm like for sure, but we you do have to solve that. Yeah. Like I'm so sorry that that doesn't come natural to you, but it is time for you to go ahead and solve that. You understand that, of course. You know, it's been 50 years. They're like, they're like, I'm impatient and I can't read a clock. It's like, fix it. Yeah. Read a clock. Fix it. I don't know what to tell you. There's a certain point where like you just need to work on that. Yeah. Yeah. It's tough. That's a tough one for me. I could practice more grace though. I can't. I could stand to. I should. Okay. I should and I should, but I can't. I know that I can't. Yeah. That's crazy. I'm like a ball of fury sometimes. Really? No, I'm acting. I was going to say that sounded really adorable. I'm acting. You're like, I just get so rageful. If you were ever sincerely mad at me, I think I would cry. I would cry if you were mad at me. I don't get mad. I just get really worked up internally. Yeah. Just, you know, and then I like eat something and I'm fine. Yeah. What do you think is your best quality? That's such a good question. And it can't be like a professional thing. It can't be like how good you are at making music because I already know that. Oh, well, that is I'm I don't know. My best quality, I can type really fast. Nice. Yeah, like on a keep. Seriously? Yeah, I can type and I can do it without looking. Do we have a computer in here that's not being used? Chance, can you pull up the. Sorry for the voice note, but can we get a takeaway tonight, Mum? No, no, we've got leftovers in the fridge. They'll do it. It'd be nice. Sorry, I'll be eating it. Who's for pizza? Sure, we can give you lots of data, but what really matters is friends and family. That's why we're happy to be your second most important network. Tesco Mobile. It pays to be connected. Terms apply. See Tesco Mobile.com. Slash why Tesco Mobile? BPM test. Will you do it? BPM test for us right now? It'd be really slow. Have you not? No, I've never done that before. I just think I can type really fast. Do you want me to do it first? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Watch me do it. We are on the podcast going to do a WPM test right now. Chance, did you pull it up? What do you tell? What do you type? You'll see. Sentences. Chance, bring it to me first. I just remember this one time. I think I get it from my mom, because one time I was telling her a story. You have to keep telling the story and narrate while I do this, OK? Wait, OK. One time I was telling my mom a story, I was like, my teacher is being so crazy, giving us all this homework. And she's like, aha, aha. And I look and she's going like this. Like she's sending an email and she's looking at me. Oh, she's sending an email and she's looking at me while I'm telling her the story. And I don't think she's listening because she's sending an email, but she's able to look at me. I thought that was really cool. That is really cool. I was like, when I grew up. I wonder what it is. Yeah, exactly. Do you do home keys? Home keys. Like your fingers are all on like the home keys and like the middle. And then you just know, or is it all just free fingers? No, no, no, no. That's crazy. Wow. No, it's it's ground. It's planted. It's. Can I see what you're doing? Can I hear it? It's the one. Oh, my gosh. Am I allowed to say, oh, my God, on a podcast? No. All right, I'm taking over. My name is Caleb. You know, I'm going rogue. This is going on. This is so true. Are you going to edit this out? No, this is all. Right. Right. That's pretty good. OK, my turn. We're going to be taking in, I'll be narrating. All you do is start typing and then the timer begins. In today's increasingly hectic and stressful world. Claude is taking their typing test now. So far, they have gotten through two words. It's not looking good for their speed. What can I tell you guys about me? Why Claude takes their typing test? Well, we're hoping to get a new studio for the podcast soon. Guys, I think that would be really neat. We're going to see if it happens or not. I'm moving. Moving into a new apartment at the moment, which is very exciting. The address is just kidding. You wish, Freaks. Go on. Chance moved to New York. I did. Hello. Welcome to New York. Chance, how are you feeling about your New York City move? I feel great. I really love my place. I'm excited to explore the neighborhood a bit more, but I've just been spending a lot of time inside setting up all my shit up just so I can be free for other things. Yeah. Yeah. That's really, really good. Yeah, it's really great. We're really proud of you. Thank you. I got a piece of chicken stuck in my teeth. I'll deal with it later. Though no one worry. Claude is nearly done. Just a couple seconds left here on their test. I believe that they've already beaten me, but we'll see. It's hard to. OK, they got their score. What'd you get? Let me see. 53 words per minute. Cool. But your accuracy was 96%. 53 words per minute. That's bad. What was yours? Mine was in the 80s, and mine was also bad. Just so you know. 53 words per minute? I thought I didn't know. I'm better when I'm just free flowing. This one had rules. This wasn't fair. This wasn't fair. This wasn't a fair test. We should have tested you on your own writing. Yeah, just to see what you could have done. Yeah. Yeah. I'm coming up with it on my own. You're still really fast. I would have been really fast if I. Also, if you had a desk and a setup, I just feel like an actual keyboard. I know that I personally would have done better in that situation. Right. So I can only imagine what you would have done. Amazing. 100. Probably even more. I think I've done in the hundreds before. Really? I think I've done like 180, 120. You weren't really fast. I was moving. I will say that was really bad, what I did. Yeah. The work I did. Yeah, your work there was tough. That's funny. It's also funny that the intro to this was you voluntarily saying not your best quality. That's funny. You volunteered that that was your best quality overall as a person. And then they did one of the slowest. Oh my God. That's so funny, dude. Right. I don't know myself at all. No, I think you do because I think you're faster. I think the circumstances were rigged against you. I feel that. I don't think so. OK, just say it. Oh yeah, it was rigged. So you come out looking better. It was rigged. Just lie on the podcast. Sorry, I keep moving this couch. No, it's OK. You and the couch have a complicated relationship. I can feel it. Oh my God. You look amazing. Really? Don't ever worry about how you're looking because you look great. Thanks, Caleb. So do you. It's really about whether or not you're comfortable and whether or not you enjoy your life. I am totally enjoying my life. That's awesome to hear. I think run with that. Keep enjoying your life. What percentage of the time do you think you enjoy your life? OK, so that's tricky because lately I am really busy. And I find it hard to be busy because I get really stressed out about that. Yeah. I get more stressed when I'm not busy. Opposite. Wow. I have total belief that I will be busy again and that things will come my way. I do not have the thing where I'm like, oh no, I need to be busy. It's healthier. What percent do I think I'm enjoying my life? Percentage of minutes in the day, I would say I enjoy my life 92% of the time. That's a lot. Yeah. I think I'm really in the pocket of enjoyment of my life. That's really awesome. Yeah. I try to really only. I try to only do things that I like. But sometimes you got to do the dishes. Sometimes you have to, oh my gosh. Or take out the trash or whatever. I have to do the dishes right now. I know. Like literally, I'm not speaking figuratively. No, I could feel that. I literally have to do my dishes. I could feel that there's a dishes problem going on with you. They're not dirty dishes. Well, they are. I should say that. Well, then you do not know what we're talking about. They are dirty. But they're not like, I rinse them and then I don't have a dishwasher. So I rinse them and then I put them in the sink so there's not like food on them. But they should be properly washed. Not having a dishwasher is really tough. It sucks. You're living a really hard life. But I only have three plates. So it's not that hard. That's smart. That's how you have to live when you don't have a dishwasher. You have to limit yourself. I don't have a table. So I never host. So I only need three plates. Yeah, just three plates. And I've actually only ever used one or two of them. Wow, one plate unused. Yeah. For sale, plate never used. I have a red plate, a yellow plate, and a blue plate. The red one I use the most. Why are they all different colors? Well, I thought that that was cute. It is cute. Right? It is cute. I just didn't know if maybe there was some other reason I wasn't thinking of. It's very cute. Primary colors. Yeah, that's really cool. Because when I moved into this apartment, it was my first time living in my own apartment without roommates. And it was the first time I was like, I have to buy plates. Because usually I'd just been using my own plates. No, because usually I'd just been using my roommate's plates. Yeah. And how many quad plates? I need my plates. So I went to the store and I had so much free. Like I didn't have pots. I didn't have pans. I bought three plates, red, yellow, blue. I bought a pot that I'm not even sure is kitchen safe. It has a cute round red lid with a blue circle. And it can't sit really on the stove without balancing. It kind of topples over. But it's so cute. So one of the worst qualities for a pot is that it topples over. There really needs to be stuff in it. Yeah. So I do have this pot. Now the one thing about it is it topples over. But the pan matches. That's nice. And it that topples too. OK, that's not good. You got the toppling set. But it was so exciting to buy it. Yeah, it is fun to do that stuff. So fun. I have some plates of my own. Really? Yeah. What do they look like? Yeah, my ones in Kansas City have a big red set. Oh, I like that. All red. The red plates, coffee mugs, bowls, smaller plates. I feel like you have really great interior design style. That is very kind of you. I've never seen it with my own eyes. But I feel like you really do. I want to thank you for speaking on that. And I don't think that I do. I think I have decent. OK. But it's not. I just there's some things I can't figure out spatially. I get that. I can figure out like a couch and a rug sometimes. But sometimes I end up having really basic taste on accident. Sometimes I'll like something and be like, you're low key basic. With what? Give me an example. Like the things I like. Totally. Like I'll like a rug and be like, that actually is an ugly rug and not an acute chic way. But in a way where like a woman from Ohio would have this in her house. Like in an Airbnb. Identically correct. You have an Airbnb style? Sometimes on accident. OK. Like I really will like something because it's, I don't know. Sometimes I just feel that my interior design taste is not what it needs to be. I think I like really pride myself on having stuff that is kind of really random. Yeah. And I recently went to a friend's house in LA and they had the same rug as me. And I kind of had like an identity crisis. That's really scary. I was like, that's my rug. Yeah. But you're a rug. My rug. That's my rug. Where'd you get it from? I got it from, well, an ad. I got it from an ad on Safari website. What? Internet. I got it on the internet. I got it from an ad on Safari website. Internet. Absolutely, brother. Like really, it's tassel. Honestly, I bet a lot of people have it. Probably. It was probably like some horrible website, like rugs.com or something. Rugs USA. It wasn't that because I know that one. OK. But all those like rugs USA, Wave, Bear, Target, even, they all have the same rugs. Have you noticed that? Yeah. And they advertise to people like us. They do. They advertise to queer people in Brooklyn because they're like, you don't want to spend $3,000. I'm telling you, I went rug shopping yesterday. Some of them were in the $7,000 range. That's insane. And I said, you just have to be kidding. It's really crazy. Obviously, I won't do it. I had a budget that was high, had a high budget, but I was like, I will never in my life spend even a half of that on a rug. Rugs are really expensive. They are. It's crazy. And the lower budget you go, the more people have that rug. And the more that the rug actually sucks. It slips. You get a cheap rug and you're like, this is ugly. It looks bad, feels bad, slips and slides. I'm sliding all over my apartment with this rug. It follows me into the kitchen. This is a damn rug. This gosh darn rug. Think about rugs, sis. You should do stand up. About your rug. Think about rugs is they slide. That was that. By the way, I would laugh at that. I'm horrible at stand up. I tried it one time, but don't ask. But sometimes I feel like I have this recurring dream that like, oh no, I have to do stand up. The opportunity, it's not even an opportunity. It's like, I have to do it. So sometimes that anxiety comes into my real life. So I have to practice jokes on my partner. Of course. Yeah. And they are so lucky. I'll be like, but I'm shh. Think about rugs. And then I get to the laugh or no. I think it's like 70%. That's a good hit rate. Many comics would kill. And I'm like, I am so funny in private. I believe you. And then you put a microphone in front of me and it's like, I have three plates. And that was your big, yeah. And no dishwasher. Three plates was your big closer. Oh, I have a question. Claude, what's so true to you? I think that if you're canceling plans, I think we're like past the part. Like, I think we're past the age of like, you don't have to say why. You can just say, so sorry, can't make it anymore. Have fun. Yeah. I don't think anybody should expect a novel of like, why? Oh my god. You know, there's Chipmunk, you know, he can't. Traffic. Yeah. You know, squirrels. Yeah. Squirrels are always part of it too. That's the hard part. I like, I don't know. I don't, it's not helpful to anyone. Yeah. Because there's always a lie involved. Yeah. Of like, oh, just had the longest day. You know, and I don't want to, I don't want to get a paragraph about it. And I trust my friends enough to be like, I can't come and know that it's for a good reason. Yeah. Or even a bad reason and that's OK too. Yeah. I just also feel like if someone does it to you enough and you're annoyed by it, you can stop inviting them to things. Or whatever. But it's like, yeah, I'm with that. I'm like, don't send me a reason, whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Don't come. And if I'm in, if we're close enough, I'll be like, why not? Yeah. Yeah. Or like, do you want to talk about? Yeah. I'll be like, what's up? Everything cool. Yeah. But I don't think people need to. You're right. I feel like too. Another thing I'm thinking of, I think you said it. On here, once is like the nicest thing you can do is go to someone's birthday party. The nicest. I really think that if you don't go to a birthday party, then maybe give a little bit of an explanation. Yeah, it's hard though, because everyone's always having one. I know. Think about how many birthday parties you get invited to in a year. And only one of the best things that ever happens to me is when I get invited to something I don't want to go to and I'm out of town. The way I get to text back to that. I'm listening. No, no, get yourself comfortable. I'm really far away. OK, I'm ready. You feel set? Yeah. The way I get to respond to a plan when I'm out of town for it is so gorgeous to me. I get to respond so like. I respond like an heiress who's going to be. I'm like, oh, darling, I so would kill to see you then. Right. Unfortunately, my travels have taken me elsewhere. Yes. I love the way I get to, like a magnanimous. Like, I get to respond like somebody I'm not even. I have you ever responded to a text and then in your head, a theos rate, I've been like, oh, I should respond to that text. I'm going to say like, oh, no, I'm out of town and then you look and you've already responded. Oh, no, I'm out of town. Yeah. Has that ever happened to you? Yes. I often go back to respond to things that I were and vice versa as well. I often go back to be like, why didn't they ever text me back and I had not responded. Right. Right. Right. I think I have like automatic brain responses to texts like birthday party. I'm going to be out of town. It's oh, no, sad face. Yeah. I'm out of town. I hope you have so much fun. And I think that's a beautiful response to send. But that's like, I know that's what my fingers will just start typing. Yeah. It's just going to happen. It's going to happen. Even when you're in town and you're not sad. Exactly. I hope no one. It's like your brain's like, oh, no, I'm out of town. I have a segment for you, Claude. What? I have a segment for you. What is it? It's true or false. Oh, OK. OK. I'm going to read you 15 statements. You're going to tell me as quickly as you can. If you think what I just said is true or false. OK. Please use the words true or false. OK. And then if you get 10 or more correct, I'm going to give you 50 US dollars. OK. OK. South America has more nations than Africa. Wait, do it again. South America has more nations than Africa. True. False. The average human body consists of 30 percent water. False. 60 percent. West Side Story is based on Romeo and Juliet. False. True. There are five original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. False for the the ostrich egg is the world's largest bird egg. False. True. There are always even numbers of rows on corn ears. What? There are always even numbers of rows on ears of corn. True. True. Edward Smith was the name of the captain of Titanic. True. True. Syracuse University's mascot is Captain Orange. True. False. Otto the Orange. I went there. The NFL has 30 teams. True. False. 32. Alaska has the most active volcanoes of any US state. That's true. True. My chemical romance has released six studio albums. False. False for Justin Bieber was born in London, Ontario, Canada. True. True. The Dewey Decimal System is primarily used in libraries. True. True. The world's largest... I saw Party Girl. What? Oh, nice. Me too. The world's longest coastline is in China. False. False. It's Canada. Highland Park, Illinois was the headquarters of the solo cup company until 2009. Wait, I'm from there. Did you know that? Oh, that's why. Is that true? No, that can't be true. True. True. True. True. The solo cups. Until 2009. Headquarters. Oh my goodness. How'd they do? Really bad. Eight. That's terrible. No, it was a beautiful attempt that was full of spirit and you really committed to the time which I thought was beautiful. Thank you. You're quite welcome. Claude, what else do you want to tell people? Where can they find you? The internet. I have like Instagram and stuff. It's I have no E at the end of my name, Claude. And sometimes it's like my last name Claude Minns. Or sometimes it's Claude.mp3. Is that what I was supposed to say? Yeah, you did great. I hate doing that. You did so great. Thank you so much for doing it. We love you. Thanks for having me, Katelyn. We love you, dude. That was a hate gum podcast.