Stop Demanding Respect From Your Teenager

Before we get into the episode, we wanted to let you know there will be a limited time Mother's Day sale on the bootcamp parenting courses starting at 10 a.m. pacific time on Wednesday, May 6th, 2026. If you want to know more, visit bratbusters.com. Please note this discount will be exclusive to the bootcamps and will not apply to coaching services. You're no smarter than your teenager, you just have more wisdom. That's all. I'm sure that as well some parents are like, well, I made some really big mistakes as a teenager, so I'm going to make sure my teenager doesn't make these. Your connection is your power with teenagers. It's not the grounding them. I don't believe in grounding them. It's not the curfews. It's not banning them from hanging out with someone or banning them from that girlfriend or boyfriend. All those things are very weak. That's the old fashion authority style. Your connection is your superpower with teenagers. The attitude that creeps up with teenagers, the eye rolls, the snarky comments. How do you approach those? Welcome to the Bratbusters Parenting Podcast. My name is Lisa Bunnage. I'm a parenting coach. I'm a mom. I'm also a grandmother. And I'm Amy Bunnage, Lisa's daughter, and I handle the marketing and planning here at Bratbusters. While I don't have kids, each episode will dive into parenting topics, and Lisa will answer your questions. Let's get started. Okay, sweetie, what are we talking about today? Today is the topic. It's all about teenagers, which is your favorite age. And it's all about stop demanding respect from your teenager. Yeah, because it's going to work anyway. You command it. You don't demand it. Okay, we'll get into how you command it. I think maybe to start off, let's talk about the difference between respect and fear as a parent. Okay, I teach, you give respect to get it as a leader. The old-fashioned authority style was more, it's my way or the highway, you listen to me because I'm your parent, and don't you tell me what you, you know, it was more just one sided one way street that and teens will rebel against that if they have it in them, not all have it in them, but they will rebel either that they just won't feel heard. Okay, and then they grow up and when they have their own kids, they didn't like the way they were parented. So they ricochet across to the other extreme, which is the new fangled, it's been around for about 40 years now, the pleaser parent style, you know, those ridiculous participation awards for doing nothing over praising praise, praise, praise, praise, praise for nothing, you know, like it just sets, they don't trust anything you say when you over praise. Now it praises okay, but parents tend to over praise and under play. You want to play in their world, you want to connect with them in their world. Okay, so it's not fear based, but the old fashioned authority was fear and intimidation based. You were afraid if you went against that authority, you were afraid of what they were going to do. Okay, it would usually like ground you for a week or whatever. The leader is more, you give respect to get it, you feel heard, and you tend to respect that parent. So it'd be embarrassing to be rude to someone that you look up to and you respect. I always say, you know, like my kids didn't want me to ever look disappointed in them, but it was mutual. I didn't want them to ever look disappointed in me either. If they did, I would have said, what's going on? They would have said, well, mom, we're not happy with the way you did that. I would have said, oh, you're right. Here's, you know, I get a consequence for that. So it's a two way street. Okay, and how do you go? I know, I'm sure that you have kids who are three to 12, and then all of a sudden you're transitioning into these teenage years. How do parents approach letting go of that control? Okay, you got to understand that you're passing the torch over to them slowly, but surely okay. And it's different with every kid and it's done in increments that I can't, I can't say like it depends on what they need or what they want or when they try and take what you're willing to give. You got to decide what you're willing to give. I'm going to read my top five tips for parenting teenagers. I've given her to before it's worth hearing again, I guess anyway. Number one, you listen to understand and show empathy. You don't listen to gather information to lecture with or they will shut you out. If they want your advice, they'll ask for it. They already know it anyway. Also with teenagers, number two is you negotiate as much as possible. It goes something like this. Hey, I want your dishes in the dishwasher from now on. What do you want from me? Reciprocity, right? You give respect to get it. Number three with teenagers, don't sweat the small stuff. They're going to make mistakes just like you do, just like we all do. If they do something stupid and it's not a big deal, I would have just said, well, that was stupid. Do you want to hear what I did when I was your age and laugh it off? Or do you want to hear what I did this morning? They're allowed to make mistakes. They're allowed to not be perfect just like you, just like everybody. And number four is don't leverage the good times to discuss the bad times. This will often happen in coaching and I always warn them. I say, I'm going to teach you how to connect with your teenager, but don't discuss those bad times. And then they say, well, when can I? I said, never. What's the point in bringing up the bad stuff? It's just meant, it's sort of your almost your revenge. You want to get it off your chest. Don't do it. And the last one is the fifth one is you can be a right fighter with a teenager or you can be happy. You cannot be both. They will die on any hill. Even if they and you both know that they're wrong, they'll still argue that they'll die on that hill. They will just argue to the end of the earth, just say something like this. Hey, let's just forget it or let's talk about it later and let it go. I think that would be tough to let things go though. You have to. That's the hard part. You have to start letting stuff go. And you always want, this is the thing is I think that you're underestimating them. They're very smart. They already know what's going on. And I think parents, and they do this with little kids too, they keep lecturing them and nagging them because they want them to understand why they should do this. That's not what makes them do the right thing. That's not what makes us do the right thing. We don't pay our taxes on time because it's the right thing to do. We pay it because we're trying to avoid the penalty, right? We don't want to go to jail. We don't want to get a penalty on our time. We're late. So we all learn through that. We all learn through having consequences for our actions. I used to tell my kids, if your good life is good, if your bad life ain't so good, because I'll make sure of it. That's my job. I'm your mom. So in other words, there's a repercussion to everything that you do, right? I really taught them that. I believe in karma. It doesn't always work, but overall you're working the odds here. So you want them to do the right thing just because they have self-respect in themselves. And you want them to make their own choices. But when you're a leader, they'll come and talk to you about everything because number one was listen to understand and show empathy. And I think you did that. And I think as well, like I don't want to sugarcoat it. Like I made mistakes. There were definitely times that you were not super happy with me as a teenager. Like it's just going to happen. But I think that you allowed me to make mistakes and I appreciated that. Plus I talked a lot about my own mistakes too, because I never wanted to set myself up as being perfect for two reasons. One, I'm not. And one, I didn't want to look like I thought I was. Nobody's perfect. It'd be nauseating if someone was. Nobody's perfect, including you. You never want to set that bad example. If you're trying to look like you're perfect, that's a very bad example to set for your kids because they'll never reach that pinnacle of perfection. You haven't done it either. But if you're trying to pretend that you are and that you know everything, then know what all they're going to figure you out one day and lose respect for you. Okay. They have far more respect for someone who says, yeah, I did something really stupid. So I owe you an apology and let's go do something fun with, you know, make it up to them, right? They're going to make mistakes. You're going to make mistakes. We all do. The thing is that you're minimizing the intensity of the mistakes. They're usually little things like my kids. We all had things that, you know, they did things that I maybe wasn't huge on, but none of it was big. It was always small stuff, right? And it was just normal stuff. And that, you know, that was just normal because we're all going to make mistakes, including you. And it's important that you own them. Okay. Don't deny them. Now, what if your child is making the big mistakes? The teenager? Okay. So you got a teenager and they are making you. Cause you're saying right now you go, it's just small stuff. It's like, well, maybe someone's listening. They're going, well, that's great for you, Lisa, but yeah, but I was already a leader. Okay. Once you're a leader going into the teen years, it's easier, but if you're not, I, so I specialize in teenagers. So most parents hire me because they're not leaders and they've already got a teenager. My number one goal is always teaching you how to connect with your teenager. We're not going to deal with their bad, their bad behavior initially. We're going to do the minimum, minimum that we have to do just to manage the situation. And we're going to work on your connection and your bond with your teenager, because there's nothing that you can do through that bad behavior anyway, until you're more connected and they respect you more. So we always work on that. And I know parents who hire me with troubled teens are always disappointed. And I always tell them, you're going to hate me in this first session, because we're not going to, we're not going to address that bad behavior. I'm just going to teach you how to connect. And then once they've connected, then we start working things through. Now that's kind of a clue there. We work things through with them. We don't say, here's what you're going to do. We say, look, here's what I'm thinking we could do to fix that up, to move forward in a positive way. Here's my idea. I want your input. What do you think? Do you think that's fair? If you've got a better idea? So you want to work it through with them, show them respect. Now, if they come up with something, an idea that you don't like that much, I would still give in a little bit. You always give a little bit. Okay. So let's say you say to them, look, as a consequence, I'm just going to have to put your PlayStation away for maybe a week. I don't do that with younger kids for a whole week, but with a teenager who did something really big, I might do that. Okay. So we're going to put your gaming console away, whatever, for a whole week. And then I would say, I'll tell you what, do you think that's fair? No, I don't think that's fair. I think it should only be for a weekend. I'd probably say, let me think about it and say, yeah, okay, let's just do it for a weekend. That gets you way more respect than following through with the harder consequence that you started with. When you start with that, when you know that you're willing to negotiate and give a little bit, I think also kind of the idea of this making mistakes, I'm sure that as well some parents are like, well, I made some really big mistakes as a teenager. So I'm going to make sure my teenager doesn't make these. And it's kind of that idea of like, I understand where they're coming from because like maybe they did do a lot of wild things and they want to make sure their teenager doesn't, how do you navigate that? Well, your connection is everything because I'll tell you what, when you're really connected with your teenager, they will tell you everything. And I remember one of my kids said, I think it was my son, I can't remember. Anyway, one of them said, well, what's the point in getting in trouble? I'm going to just fess up to you anyway. It was said with humor, but you get the idea, they're going to tell you everything anyway. So they don't tend to get in big trouble when they know they're going to be talking it through with their mommy or their daddy, right? So your connection is your power with teenagers. It's not the grounding them. I don't believe in grounding them. It's not the curfews. It's not banning them from hanging out with someone or banning them from that girlfriend or boyfriend. All those things are very weak. That's the old fashioned authority style. Your connection is your superpower with teenagers. They will respect you and they'll be more willing to meet you halfway or maybe even all the way with some of the suggestions you make. Do you find that banning things as well probably makes them more tempting? Oh, well, just make some sneakier. That's all it does. Banning them from stuff. That's it. You can't see him anymore, but I love him. That's it. You're banned from seeing him. Well, they're going to have three kids in the next two years. They're going to find a way to stay together. If you ban a teenager who's rebellious for something, they're going to, it's just going to push them toward it. You've talked about this before where your approach is almost welcoming them in with open arms. Well, there's that saying, you keep your friends close and your enemies closer. If your kids, I always wanted to know my kids' friends, and I always wanted to make sure they felt welcome, right? I was always very friendly with them. And even if maybe I wasn't huge on some of them, but I made sure that my kids didn't know that, or if they did, I still welcomed them in. Because if you welcome them, they're not quite as appealing. Mom becomes buddies with this guy. You're really not that big on anyway, or a girl, you're not that big on. You see what I mean? It takes away all the kind of, it's not even rebellion so much. It's independence. That's what it is. They want to be independent. They want to make their own decision, maybe go against something that they know you wouldn't, that you would like. Or you see, so it's kind of that separating from you and your sort of hold on them in that they sort of were going along with everything you said, but now they want to sort of exercise their own independence. So it's not even so much rebellion, but that takes that away. Okay. Now they don't have to exercise their independence anymore. They'll do it anyway, but they don't have to. They don't feel that pressure to stay with that person when mom has welcomed that person into the fold. I do remember that even with friends. I feel like, you know, there were some friends that maybe you just weren't crazy on, but you didn't really let me know in the moment. And then afterwards, when we would just naturally fall apart and go, eh, I never liked them anyways. Yeah, I couldn't stand that one. I was like, ah, I see. Yeah. And you didn't either. That's why they weren't friends for long term. So there you go. But yeah, they'll find their own way and they will come back into the fold eventually because they might go off a little bit, but that's them exercising their own independence. They've got to try some stuff on their own, right? They've got to go outside of maybe what you would want them to do a little bit. But the thing is the closer you are, the less likely it is to be anything bigger, awful. And I can remember that, especially the idea of like you wanting to get some independence as a teenager. You want to feel like your own, your own person a little bit more. And that's totally normal. You want to encourage that, you know, and that's with the, I said, don't sweat the small stuff. Also negotiate pretty much everything. So if let's say that you don't like what they're doing, say, well, look, I'm not big on, on this or what you did not, just don't criticize their friends or girlfriends or boyfriends. But let's say they're doing something that you're not huge on say, you know what, I'm not huge on that. Is there any way that we could get, you know, is there anything you want from me? Could we cut a deal here? You know, like maybe you want them to get back into some sport they decided not to do or something, something like that, where it's not a really big deal, but they just decide, you know what, I don't want to be in soccer anymore. They've been in soccer for 10 years. All of a sudden they want to take a break. That's the kind of stuff you might want to try negotiating. Look, I'll tell you what, you don't have to join soccer, but if you do, what, what would you want from me? I would start cutting deals. If I thought it was something that they like and they just on a whim decided they didn't want to join, it's those little things. That's the one I'd negotiate. Are your kids driving you nuts? They don't have to. Check out bratbusters.com for my bootcamp courses. If you want to learn how to become a leader. Now I'm sure that this resonates for some parents is the attitude that creeps up with teenagers, the eye rolls, the snarky comments. How do you approach those? Oh, you just got to let it go. And they tend to not do much of that at all when you're a leader. They're going to be more likely to do that the worst when you're a pleaser. If you're a pleaser parent, that's all you're going to get pretty much. Or if you're authority, you'll get up, but it'll be more behind your back. But with the leader, they don't tend to do that much because there's no need to do that because you're discussing everything. Everything's open for discussion with a leader. My kids could have come and discussed anything with me. That's the superpower. It's that bond. It doesn't mean I would like it, but they knew that I wouldn't judge. Really? I'd just say, yeah, I can see that. Or what do you think you should do about that? I wanted them to talk to me about stuff. Plus, I'm pretty open-minded. I wanted to learn from them too because I don't think that I know everything. And I think that's a big part of it too. You think you're smarter than your kids. You're no smarter than your teenager. You just have more wisdom. That's all. But you're not smarter than them. And I never thought I was smarter than my kids at all, but I had more wisdom. But I wanted to hear from them. Why are you with that person? Why did you choose to do that? And I wanted to know. I wasn't challenging them. I was just like, well, what do you see in them? Or what do you like about that? And then sometimes I'd say, oh, I can see that. So open your mind. You can learn. If you're not learning and changing as a result of raising teenagers, you are missing out. They will teach you more about yourself than anyone else ever will because they can see into your soul. And they won't mind telling you about it. They know you a little too well. They do because they've been watching you for years, right? So yeah, they know you pretty well. So you can learn from them and take it on the cuff. Take it. Just go, you're right. Oh, what was the one thing you kids, both of you complained, oh, I'm very repetitive. If I find something funny, I seem to think it's funny 20 times in a row within five minutes. And they both said that, mom, we all laughed. It was funny. And I'll let it go, please. But I still really annoyed them. And I didn't even know I was like that. But anyway, so they both told both of you told me that at separate times, and you ganged up on me once at dinner time, mom, enough with that. That's good. It was. Do I still repeat myself when I think something's funny? Oh my gosh, yes. Did I just get an eye roll? Yeah, you just, I will leave that in. You just got an eye roll from me. Yeah, it's true. I still do it. But I'll admit, I did it less when they were teenagers, because you are more parents are more annoying to their kids when they're teens than probably any other time. So I didn't want to annoy them all the time. So I did try and hold back. Another adults, I just let it fly the same thing 50 times giggling, giggling all the time. Yeah, there is. Yeah, I know, I know, I still do it. I try not to sometimes and then I think, I forget it. It's just part of who I am. It makes me adorable. Okay, should we get into the parenting questions? Yes. My youngest is 13. We live in a small town and he was caught stealing from a local convenience store. They told us he hasn't yet. It happened five days ago now and we do not know how to handle this. Please advise. He doesn't know that we know. He's a great kid, but this is not, this is not completely out of character. How do we correct this behavior? How do we punish, acknowledge and what's an appropriate consequence for this behavior? You said it hasn't happened yet, but it happened five days from now. Sorry. So what was that? No, no, no. So the convenience store told them? Yeah. The teenager did not. So the teenager does not know that they know. Oh, okay, I would just say, Hey, buddy, you stole from the convenience store. There's no way I would mix words with that. I would just say, Hey, look, you stole from the convenience store. No, I didn't. Yeah, you did. Anyway, here's what I was thinking we can do. You can go in there and clean up. Like, I'd like you to offer to sweep their back storage room or something and say, we'll ask them what you can do. Maybe they could take out the garbage or something or clean up something else. Oh, clean up the public toilet. Ooh, that'd be a good one. Anyway, so I'd get them to do a chore and I say, look, it's not so much a punishment. It's just, I want you to learn how to be nice to someone that you did something not so nice to, right? So it's not so much a punishment, although I guess cleaning a toilet would be a punishment. But anyway, but the whole idea is that I want you to do something nice for them now. Okay. So you're not just taking away their PlayStation. That's a clear punishment. This is, you did something mean to someone. Now I want you to replace it with something nice. That's the way I'm looking at this. So then I'd say, that's what I'm thinking. Okay. So what do you think? Do you think that's fair? And then you can, and then negotiate it. You know, it might be something smaller. They might just have to go in and maybe, oh, I don't know. I don't know. But anyway, so work it through. See what they say. But I would just say, yeah, you stole from the store. And I don't, I don't sugarcoat stuff. You do not share. And you know why also? Because I don't want the kid to feel shame. Like what I mean is if you go, okay, the more you sugarcoat, the more shameful it looks, you're treating it like secretive shame. Whereas I just say it like it is, look, you stole. We all do stupid things from time to time, but you got to fix it. Okay. So here's what I'm thinking we could do. You see my attitude? I'm not shaming and blaming and discussing it. There's no freaking way I would say to a kid, now you know, you shouldn't do that. Why would you do that? That's the shaming and blaming and bullying. I don't talk like that. You stole. So here's what I think we can do to fix this. That's something that I appreciated growing up is that again, you never minimized the mistakes. You weren't like, Oh, well, that's not a big deal. But I didn't feel the shame associated. So as a byproduct, you unfortunately heard every single mistake in detail that I've ever made. It was agony. She'd tell me stuff that was just nothing. But I will say I didn't always tell you things just like I'm not someone who opens up right away. So if I did make a mistake, it's not that I was hiding it specifically from you, but I needed to process it on my own sometimes first. What do you mean sometimes all the time you have to process? She doesn't say anything without thinking about it first. I have no thought process. I have loose lips. Everything flies up before my brain can even catch up. You're the exact opposite. Whenever anything happens to her, or she's think she has to think it through before she talks about it or deals with it. So you've been like that from day one, you're still like that at 31 years old. I am. I've even had friends be like, why didn't you come to me sooner? And I'm like, I needed to process. Yeah, whereas I would just say it right away. No process whatsoever. Okay, so I'm not saying that's better, but we're just very different that way. Okay, so small town, youngest 13, stole, just say you stole. Here's what I'm thinking you can do to make it up to them and have a suggestion, come in tough and then negotiate. So make it easier. And then say, do you think that's fair? Or we could just go in and ask them, you know, what could you do? Or you could go ahead of time and ask them and say, you know, I wanted to do something to make it up to you. We could he sweep your driveway or whatever it is, clean the toilet and then come in with a hard one, be willing to negotiate. What are the following days look like? Because you always talk about the connection, how important that is. Like, are you putting an extra emphasis on connection at that point? Well, yeah, as soon as you finish that and say, okay, so this Saturday, that's what you're going to do. Anyway, do you want to go to the park or do you want to go, do you want to go out and get some hot chocolate somewhere? I have forgotten it. I'm not discussing it anymore. If he brings it up, I would say it's already done. Like forget it. Like it's already sorted out. I don't discuss bad behavior. I deal with it. Then I move on. I don't live in that. I don't sit in it. I don't want to rub it in. They're not in the doghouse. I have forgiven and forgotten. It's done. It's dealt with. We've got a plan. I also appreciated that you let things go. Well, except for the spoons. We will not talk about the spoons. We've probably talked about it before, but anyway, we have it's in a podcast. Something kind of funny. But yeah, I keep bringing that up. I'm banned from bringing it up and I keep to. So I promised I wouldn't keep bringing it up. Now I owe you something. Darn it. Darn it. Darn it. Darn it. Okay. Because that's the rule. If I bring it up again, because we've already worked it through, then I have to have a console. Now I have to do something. We've worked it through. Apparently it's not worked through. Well, it was just as an example. So I wasn't really bringing it up. Yeah, I did. Okay, I'll get a consequence. Okay, my whole point is there's no shame in making mistakes. There's just shame and not owning it and making up for it. There's the shame. But even that, I wouldn't shame them, but that's where you want them to go is that there's no shame in making mistakes. I can fix this. I'll make amends or whatever. And then I'll move on and I'll be better tomorrow. Okay. Don't always have that. Don't attach their identity to the mistakes they make today. Okay. Or yesterday. Just move forward in a positive way. Always treat them like they're good kids, but the bad behavior needs to be dealt with and then forgotten. Okay, move on. Don't make that bad behavior their identity. A line that I've heard, which I really like is everything's figureoutable. Everything's figureoutable. Everything is. Some things are harder to figure out. A bowl. Figure out. Some things are harder, but basically everything's figureoutable. And if it isn't, you can still say, okay, well, we'll just, we'll just own that one. We'll just eat it and it's done. What are you going to do? You can't go back and change time, right? I think that's the thing, though, is I think especially for this age group is that as a teenager, it can feel like everything is a really big deal. And it's, I think that you gave me a lot of perspective growing up, which I really appreciate that you're like, life will go on. Things are temporary. Everything's figureoutable. Like we will, whether or not you can actually fix the situation, you can find a way to move forward. Well, because we all mess, I had a lot of stories too, because I've done a lot of dumb things. So, you know, nothing huge. I never went to jail or anything, but, you know, I will do dumb things, embarrassing things. Mostly a lot of my life is filled with embarrassments, but anyway, but I always told funny stories too. Like I want to, I want them to understand that that is part of being human. It's the people who don't like to talk about their flaws and the stupid things they've done. I find that confusing. Who are you trying to fool? We all know that we all do dumb things. Who are you trying to fool? Maybe just yourself. Because I think I'm okay, even with all my flaws. And I wanted my kids to feel that way too. We've all got flaws. That is those flaws that make us closer to people sometimes, unless we're hurting people, but it's the funny little quirks that we have and the flaws that we have. That's actually what bonds us. You feel closer to people who admit your flaws, their flaws than the ones who never do and just brag. Right? It's, they're more likable when they admit they've actually got flaws, just like you do, just like everybody does. So, I never understood this, not admitting imperfections and not laughing at them. I never understood that. Who are you fooling? Nobody. Okay, we'll get into the next question. So, Nicole, I have a 13 year old daughter and 15 year old son. Daughter is really strong willed, speaks her mind and will challenge us if she feels we're overreacting or if something's unfair. She'll argue to her point and stand up for herself. Honestly, I love that about her. I want my kids to think for themselves and speak up because as parents, we don't know everything. We've never done this before and sometimes might actually be wrong. As frustrating as it is to be questioned, I never want to be the because I said so parent. The challenge I'm struggling with is my son who's the oldest. He's the complete opposite and never challenges us. In some ways, it makes it things easier, but I know there are times when he feels upset or feels hurt or wronged and instead of expressing it just shuts down. He won't communicate those feelings at all. He's honestly been this way since he was little and I sometimes find myself wondering what it is I'm doing as a mom and makes that makes him feel like he can't upset me. I want him to know that it's safe to express anger, hurt, frustration and disappointment. I want him to know that even if he makes him uncomfortable or emotional, it's still okay. He's allowed to have those feelings and he's allowed to express them. I've tried telling him that directly, but then when big feelings come up, he just shuts down and says nothing. So my question is, how do I help my 15 year old feel safe enough to express his emotions openly? What might I be doing even unintentionally that hasn't provided the sense of security he needs to open up and is it too late to change his pattern now that he's already a teenager? You've already answered your question in there. You said, I'm worried that he doesn't open up because he doesn't want to upset me. You get upset. You must have been upset in the past when he opens up. You can't. You've got to be dead pan. You've got to be just, you just got to listen with no reaction. So if he does something wrong, say, okay, so you messed that up. So what are we going to do about it? You see, so don't have any negative emotions attached when he does open up. My mom was really good at that too. I told her everything. And I remember, I remember when I grew up, she told me this, she goes, I remember you'd open up, tell me everything. And it wasn't anything horrible, but it was something really personal or whatever. And she'd go in her room at and she go, mm-hmm. Yeah, I can see how that would be. Frustrated or whatever. Then she'd go in her room and go, Oh my God, but she never showed that to me. So yeah, you said that he doesn't open up, doesn't tell you what's bothering him because he doesn't want to upset you. Don't be upset when he opens up. Okay. That's that you listen to understand and show empathy. You don't listen to, you don't listen to gather information to lecture with. You don't listen to judge. You don't listen to look disappointed or upset either. You just listen to understand and show empathy. And then you could potentially help problem solve if they want you to. Don't offer it. Just if they ask for your advice, then you can say, well, I don't know. Maybe we could try this or something like that. How would you generally approach this if maybe they're not opening up now? Like, would you start opening up more about yourself and the mistakes that you've made as a parent? And because what if you've gotten to the point where they just won't open up? Yeah, I get that. I was wondering if you were going to ask, that's good. Okay. Okay. They don't open up by being confronted and even talking. Okay. 15 year old boys. When I'm hired for coaching with boys, teenage boys, it's always 15. It's almost always 15 at that's the age. When they tend to shut down, they're hard to figure out. They're going to start to rebel a little bit more or shut down. It's 15 with boys. I don't know why that is, but anyway, so it's really common age for them to shut down. You know how you bond with them and they start to open up is when you sit beside them and play video games with them, or you're driving in the car listening to their music. It's always in their world when they're the most relaxed and it comes out in tiny little snippets. Do not ask questions. If they want to talk to you and they're willing to open up, that's when they'll do it. And when they do continue to look forward, do not look at them. Continue to look forward at the game while they're talking and go, yeah, okay, okay. So how did that feel? Or what, you know, what are you going to do about it or whatever? But keep looking at the game. They don't want the confrontation. And in the car, it's the same thing. The reason why they often open up in the car is there's no direct eye contact, right? It's a little bit easier to open up when you're both looking straight ahead. So yeah, that's when they will open up is when they're relaxed. And it's not confrontational. You're not asking a lot of questions. Just show understanding and empathy. And if they ask for your advice, say, well, I don't know, what do you think you should do? Or what? And then just start talking. But that's how it happens. And it happens in snippets and it won't happen right away. Next, I have a girl who's 13 and then three kids under five, a blended family, our oldest daughter visits with her father every weekend and son visits, the younger ones visit three weekends a month. It's so hard with a mixture of parenting styles. Do you have additional tips on blended families or will it all work the same? And what's your advice for teenagers? Is it too late to include her on a behavior board? No, it's not. But I mean, if you've got three under five, and then you've got a 13 year old girl, her rules are very different. And I would discuss it with her. I would say, look, you know, what do you want our rule to be? At that age, they have to have a say in this. So and you could just call it family rules or family law or whatever you want to call it. Don't call it a behavior board with a teenager. But you just say, look, you know, here's what we'd like you to do. We'd like you to put your dirty clothes in the hamper, start small. Don't start with anything that's personality based. Okay, start with stuff that's like chore based or cleaning up after yourself based. The other stuff, the personality stuff when she's snotty and that is nothing you can do about that. Okay, attitude is just something that fixes itself organically over time once you're a leader. But if it's something that she does, that's, you know, really awful, don't address that right now. Okay, just deal with the stuff that's, that's just not personal. So then say, now this is what we want from you. What do you want our rule to be something that you want us to start doing or stop doing? She might say, get off my back, or leave me alone, but then say, well, that's not going to happen. So let's negotiate this. Also, you said, how do you get parenting styles together? You have to agree on a style that affects all the kids the same. Like what I mean is you've got to be the same leader for all the kids, but teenagers are different. You've got to, it's just different the way, but you have to still be the same parents. Okay, you can't be different parents with different kids and you still have to be consistent. Okay, but her rules and that are teenage rules. There is just different with her, but you're still the same parent, like you're going to be the same parent with those other kids when they're 13 too. So it's not that it's blended family. It's just that her age is what makes it a little bit different. But yeah, in the same household, the parenting style needs to be consistent and the same with all the kids age appropriate. When they go to someone else's house, none of your business. Okay, we have one final question. I'm not a parent, but I work with kids full time and I'm struggling with one of the 13 year olds. She's absolutely miserable, entitled, spoiled, and has very low self esteem. Her parents aren't, please are parents, the more along the lines of I want my kids to have what I didn't have combined with if I give my kid whatever she wants, then she'll leave us alone. I know I can't change anything at home. So how do I help? I'm trying to connect with her, but she's very resistant for contacts. I've been working with her for over two years at this point and it's a recent development. No, okay. I won't come into what the parents are doing. Connect with her in her world. Don't ask her about her problems. That's a big mistake. It's too confrontational. You just talk about what she likes. Hey, what music, what song do you listen to and educate yourself on whatever she says she likes? I can't tell you how many times I went home after working with teenagers and looked up the games they were into or looked up the songs or the bands that they liked. Then I said, Hey, I looked it up. I don't pretend that, Oh, I love them. I just said, I looked it up. It wasn't my style, but what I did like, I always found something I could like and I don't lie. I would always sort of find something that I liked. So I was always just chatting, make it casual. People think that the big transformations happen with the big conversations. They can, but that's not where they start. Okay. So just start and they'll tell you stuff. It's weird with teenagers too, because you'll think you're not getting anywhere. Then one day they'll just blub, they'll just blurt out everything that's on their mind. Don't overreact. Just say, Oh, thanks for sharing that. I appreciate that. And then go on about your day. And then after you're out of ice, I go, Oh my God, like my mom used to. But yeah, it happens in small snippets, but you connect with them in their world. They'll start to feel respected. Their self-esteem will start to increase and they'll start to like you more. And then they're more willing to open up. That's how it's done. And I know you don't usually talk about questions that aren't parenting specific related, but I thought that that could be helpful just for parents listening in general because it's kind of, it's the same with parents really too. It's, it's how you connect with teenagers. It's all done in their world, showing interest in what they're interested in. And then I had a parent a while ago and she said, well, you know, we try and share and we tell them what we're doing, what we like. And I say, she doesn't care. Like kids and teenagers don't care about your world so much. It's all done in their world. They might, but that's not how you really connect. You always connect in their world. They're very self-absorbed. They're young. They're growing up. So they don't really, they're not really that interested in maybe the fact that you joined a book club and you want to talk about it, but they'll will always want to talk about their own interests. Okay. That's how you connect. And then they might show an interest in your world, but don't, don't go out to try and connect in your world. You connect in their world and they'll respect you for it. And they know what you're doing too. Like when I was doing that with the kids, they were, I'll tell you a funny story. I was a, like a learning assistance tutor. They called it. It was all volunteer, but it was really a behavioral mentor. Anyway, so I was there under the guise of helping them with their work, their schoolwork. Well, these were grade nine, 10, 11 students. And I couldn't do the math and the science. So it got to be the joke that they'd end up teaching me stuff so that if the teacher asked me anything, I might be able to answer. They were helping me. They would go home and study so they could help me answer the question that the teacher asked, asked me anything. It got to be a joke. They said, well, we know you don't know anything about this. So, but I was making them feel good. So when they feel good, they do good. I was bringing out the best in them because you always want them to feel good about themselves. It's okay that they're mad at you if you're disciplining, but you never want them to feel bad about themselves. You know, you're doing it wrong. You're not a leader. If they feel bad about themselves as a result of your discipline or parenting or leadership or whatever, you're doing it wrong. They can be mad, but they shouldn't feel bad about themselves. I think also just the idea of like the difference in interests, like you and I definitely did have a difference in interests, but it works out in our favor now because you love cleaning. I love cooking. So I do the cooking whenever we do family dinners and you do all the cleaning works out perfectly. And I don't mind prep work. I just can't throw anything in a pan and do anything like that. I hate it because I did it for 30 years raising a family. Oh, I hated it. Anyway, so yeah, and my son, I remember with him, he was really into video games and heavy metal music. And this is a really good example of this. I had no interest in heavy metal music. I mean, none. I hated it. So, but I thought, wait, what am I doing? I'm just judging. You know, maybe I should open up my mind a little bit. So I said to him, I said, Hey, you know, are there any songs that you really like that you think I might like? And he says, Well, mom, there's this drum. What do they call that? A little drum something? I can't remember what it's called, but a little drum segment. And he says, I love a good beat. You might really like this. And it was some band that went in this, it was a guy who was a drummer in an orb, like he went upside down and around and around in this orb. It was fascinating. I actually got into it. And now this was 20 years later. And I still listen to heavy metal music. I think almost more than he does now. So I opened my mind because I wanted to, I wanted to see into his world. I wanted to respect his world. And I'm sure they appreciate he used to make me playlists and that of songs he thinks I might like. To this day, he often picks my music because I still lousy at finding bands and that, but he knows my style of music. But we bonded over his music, which I ended up liking a whole bunch of it. He's, and I don't, I don't pretend, I don't lie. And I'd say, Yeah, I know, I don't like that. Don't like that. And then he plays something like, Oh, yeah, I love that one. So then he started to understand, but you see, I entered his world. And I opened my mind. Now I like it. I still listen to NWA. The only album I like is the greatest hits one. But anyway, if you know what, if you know, you know, and I know a lot of slipknot. So stuff like that. Whereas I would be, if it wasn't for my teenage son back in the day, I'd just be listening to Michael Buble. I know hate on the guy. I think he's talented, but I like, I'm happy that I've got a more varied sort of musical taste. And that's because of my son. I opened up my mind. Okay, well, that was it for the questions. Okay, so stop demanding respect from teenagers and start earning it. Okay. And just keep in mind those five points I mentioned, listen to understand, negotiate pretty much everything, don't sweat the small stuff, don't leverage the good times to discuss the bad times, because you never discuss the bad times. And the last one is you can be a right fighter, or you can be happy with a teenager, you can't be both. So keep in mind, they're growing, they're stretching their wings, they might do stuff that you don't like, and they'll tell you about it. And you can discuss it with them when you're a leader. If you're an authority or a pleaser, they're not going to tell you. Okay, so you want them to be able to tell you anything? Because you don't show judgment. Okay, you don't show a disappointment or shame in them. You don't do any of that shaming, blaming and bullying stuff. You just keep an open mind and listen and help them work through stuff when they want you to help them. I think that's a great place to end. Okay, happy parenting. We'll be back again soon talking about something else. Bye now. Thanks for tuning in. If you're ready to dive deeper, check out bratbusters.com to learn more about the behavior board, parenting courses, and private one on one coaching with Lisa. 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