D'Arcy Carden Returns

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Pretty good deal. Just go to linkedin.com slash Conan. That's linkedin.com slash Conan. Terms and conditions apply. Hi, my name is Darcy Cardin and I feel literally very happy about being Conan O'Brien's friend. That's so nice. I was afraid you were gonna say compelled. God. Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking lose, climb the fence, books and pills. I can tell that we are gonna be friends. I can tell that we are gonna be friends. Hello and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs A Friend. I'm joined by Matt Gorley. Good to see you, Matt. Hi. And joined by Sona Movesesian. And before we get started today, you loves you some television. I loves me some TV. And you have a new fixation. Yeah. And you were very excited about it. I didn't even hear what it was. I saw you very animated talking to everybody here at the Large Mont headquarters. And so I said, whatever you're talking about, stop and let's preserve it on air. I don't know what you're gonna say. I honestly don't. What is this new show you're watching? Tell us about it. I'm watching a new show that a lot of people are watching and it's called Heated Rivalry. Heated Rivalry. And you probably heard me talking a lot about butts. I didn't hear the butts part. Oh, I was saying butts a lot. That's any given day with you. I know. But this one I was like, but. You could talk about tariffs and it would be all butts. How come we, I haven't seen as many butts these days. We're the German butts. Well, until the tariffs are lowered. Those tariffs! I want those good German butts. What? Yeah. Okay, I don't know anything. Heated Rivalry. And what do you mean it's about butts? What's happening? So it obviously is more than butts. It's these hockey players. It doesn't, don't say obviously with you. It could just be. It could just be butts. It could just be a screen with butts floating around and you'd be happy. If they had a show just called butts, I would watch that show. You would have made that show. Yeah. You'd be executive producer. Yeah. All right, so I will not interrupt you. Tell us about Heated Rivalry. So it's about hockey players. They're professional hockey players and they're also gay. So, but they can't be out because they're professional athletes in a sport that isn't typically accepting of that. So it's very like, they have to hide it. And they're on different teams? They're on different teams. I guess that explains the title. They have to hide it. Oh, okay. So they're on different teams. Yeah. So they're like playing and then it'll cut to them doing it. And then they're like playing and then it'll cut to them doing it. And it's just like doing it, hockey, doing it, hockey. And it's so much fun. And I think that you guys are not the demographic. And to be honest, I'm not really the demographic. But like when I- Wait a minute. Why do you say you're not the demographic? Because I'm a woman and I'm straight. But I do think that the people that are watching the show are gay men and straight older skewing women. Because the women wanna see the butts. I love seeing these like hard bodies. And I like seeing them naked. And then I like seeing them do it. And then- How graphic is it? As it is graphic is your hands doing this. My hands are buttoning each other. Butts. No, there's just like, it's- There's no J. Jonas Cockaroo is what you're saying. There's no Cockaroo yet. Just say J. Jonas Cockaroo. But hopefully fingers crossed- Say J. Jonas Cockaroo. I'm not gonna say J. Jonas. There's no J. Jonas Cockaroo. There's no J. Jonas Cockaroo. So there's no Cockaroo in it yet. But fingers crossed there will be. Do you think there'll ever be some Simon's B Cockaroo? Stop, oh my God. How about Big Jim and the twins? Oh God. I hate talking about this with you guys. But you know, I used to go to like, my friends used to throw parties at gay bars and they were just for gay men. And but I liked being in the corner and watching them just kind of dance and it was always fun. And this is making me sound such a per- Are you a creep? Are you a creep? I am a creep. I don't know what it is about two dudes getting it on, but it's like they have like hard tight bodies. Can I ask you a question? And this is, these are, I think I'm doing a good job keeping this serious. Are you? Yeah, I veered off with J. Jonas Cockaroo. But I held back when I didn't say Hezekiah H Cockaroo. Here's my question. What, are you equally, are you, are you, are you, are you equally turned on by a really good looking, hard-bodied man and woman doing it or would you prefer to watch two guys doing it? That's a good question. Oh, I know. Let me ponder for a second. I think- Is the woman a distraction to you? Do you like two guys because it's two of what you like to see? I think that it's part of it is because it's taboo. It's not, it's not okay. So they have to be secret about it. If a guy and a girl are doing it and it's like secret, like, ooh, we shouldn't be doing this, that's, that's good for me too. I'll take that too. But I like that it's like, oh no, we're hockey players. We shouldn't do it, but let's do it. Is that how they talk? No, no. Oh no, we're hockey players. We shouldn't be doing it. Well, time to get back on the ice. It's a swum. Oh no, a hat trick. He says hat trick in one of the episodes. Does he say hat trick? Yeah, they say it. You mean because he finished three times? Oh, no, because he did a hat trick in a hockey game. Don't act like that was a serious question. You said, no, I'm being serious. No, you weren't. Yes, I was. No. What's a hat trick when you're doing it? Like you jizz three times? Three times or jizz fast? I don't think they've ever... People said that in relation to... I have no idea. Then shut up. What the hell is he talking about? Maybe it's they finish in a hat. Oh, nice. It's a hat trick. I just wanted to say, Son and I were talking about heated rivalry earlier, and you kept making the point, I'm not the audience for this show. I'm not the audience for this show. And then I said, but Jigalos is like, probably your favorite show of all time. You're exactly the audience for this show. Jigalos is not my favorite show of all time. But I love Jigalos. But Jigalos is men with women. Okay. Yeah, no. The point is that she... Listen, Son is on record from the day I met you as liking to you enjoy a naked male body. But here's what's interesting to me, and I want to get specific here. I get the sense that you like to see a man's naked butt, but you're not, and maybe this is true of all women, the J Jonas or the Kylie... You're from Hezakai. You've already... No, no, the Kylie T. Kakarou is not as essential. Like that's not a part that women visually are as interested in. Is that correct or am I wrong? That is actually very correct. I'm just going off my experience of, and this is back in the days when I was single, but I would walk in or my pants were off and women would say, oh my God, no one needs to see that. And I would say, oh, I guess male genitalia is something that's not attracted to women. And then they would always say, no, I love... If I'm with a guy for the first time, I love seeing their genitalia. In this particular instance, I want to cone vomit into a sieve and watch the juices drain out amidst the peas, the carrots, and the little undigested marshmallows of Lucky Charms. Oh my God. But that's just me talking from my experience. Is that what you've experienced as a woman? Oh my God. No. Remember that time we were on the road and you were helping me out? And I was taking a shower and you thought, I didn't know when he was there and I stepped out and you saw me and you said, Jesus fucking Christ. This is a quote from you. That ain't no cock. And then you said, what happened, bro? You in the war, remember that? Farm accident? Yeah. Remember that? No, and I think just to clarify, I've never seen you get out of the shower. Yes, that was a joke. That was sort of an image to kind of amuse the listener. But nothing based in fact. But let's get this straight. Seeing a bunch of butts, male butts, fine. Hard bodies are good. But you don't need to see stuff swinging around. I could do hard bodies. I don't, you know, if it's well lit, I don't mind it. What does that mean? You know, if it's like so. You mean tastefully lit as opposed to bright neon lights. Well, also, you know, back in the day, I remember we did a segment and we kind of gave out this fake email address for me, but then they actually made it an email address. And then I checked it a few times. Me and a few people checked it. And there were quite a few dick pics in there that people had sent. Yeah. But they were all asking for medical advice. To be fair. No, no, no, that's cystic. That's just a cyst. Some are missing boasters. Haven't you seen this dick? You know, when a cock goes missing, it's heartbreaking. Yeah. And sometimes the cock shows up later on and it's grown up. Oh, God. Has a new name. Yeah. I don't need those. You don't need it, right? But if it pops up on heated rivalry, I will happily accept it into my life. I'm just asking this from my own personal edification. What is good lighting for a penis? Well, I think a lot of guys- For say, a man my age. What lighting would help it? No lighting. Well, that's what I'm thinking. Yeah, just complete pitch darkness. Yeah. I think is a good way to do it. Yeah. Send a picture of a black screen and don't take a picture of anything. Pitch black lighting, but then hand them none of those night vision goggles. Like silence of the lambs. And she's gonna be terrified. Yeah. Going out of my way, get out of here. And there's a weird Irish penis wandering around in the dark. I'm gonna get ya. I'm gonna get ya. Wait, why is it speaking? I'm gonna get ya. I'm gonna get ya. Adam, you look squeamish. What's wrong? I think this is some of our best stuff yet and you look like you just got off a twilter world. I'm enjoying it quite a bit. I don't think you are. I'm loving it. Twilter world. Is nobody else watching? None of you are even slightly curious about the show everyone's talking about. I guess I'm bi-curious. It's okay. No, no, I haven't heard of it. I don't know anything about it. All right. I don't know if I believe you. Well, I mean, I would proudly tell you I've been watching and that I loves me some butts, but I don't know anything about it. All right, well. I do big as this thing. Blade, remember, remember, you're speaking into a microphone. You have your mouth over it. Like you're bringing it to climax. Just settle down. You're like a funny eating problem. You know, that's not a Hezekiah H. Kokuru. Just remember and then speak in the way you would if you weren't yelling at a plane in an airport. Go. It is a cultural phenomenon. And I will say it's based on a series of books and I really want to check out the books. Aw. What'd you say? I'm a big reader. You know what? You took our most erotic talk yet and completely de-jizzed it. You just, you know what? I got to tell you something. I got to tell you something. People are talking about it. You know what? I'd like to read it in book form. I'm just saying. I just watched it for the articles. If the book comes first, it's usually better. And I think if the book comes first, it'll be, no, I'm big serious. Yeah, yeah, that's the sad part. Okay, settle down, you guys. You know what? This conversation has been atrocious. And I blame all of you. At least I tried to elevate it by giving various penis references, wonderful old 19th century names. Eustis P. Haka-kara-karoo. All right. My guest today is an extremely talented actress who has starred in such TV series as The Good Place, Barry and Broad City. I'm delighted. I'm delighted she is with us today. She's a friend. She's hilarious. She's so talented. Darcy Cardin, welcome. I'm gonna just say it out front. Darcy's one of my favorite people. Oh, Conan. And you know I love you to death and you're one of my favorite people. And we've said this before, but I met you long before the world knew about Darcy Cardin. I met you when you were a receptionist. Yeah. At some business and I came in and... And Conan to the hell up. Yeah, I remember that. And Conan to the hell up. Yeah, I was so Conan-y with you because I was like, this woman behind the desk is really funny. And they kept calling me in like, Conan, you need to come in and... Conan, check out these rug samples or whatever. Yeah, rug samples and these architectural drawings. And I'm like, I'll be right there with you. I've got to talk to this receptionist first. Now listen here. We've got to solve this crime, see? And I'm like, he's doing it. He's doing the thing that I love. He's as sick as I thought he was. But I'm so happy you're here. And as I said, I just needed that shot of the Darcy Cardin energy. I love you and I love you guys. It's so fun to be here. I was telling you, I was on a plane this morning. That would usually deter me from being on camera and being in front of people. I'm like, oh, take the day off or whatever. But when I heard this was the day, I was like, yeah, I'm gonna be there. Because this is not... This is not work. I don't feel compelled, that's true. No, no, no. But I feel I'm so happy to be here. The last time we did this in here, where was it? Was pre-COVID. Were we at... Yes, we were at... Airwolf, I think. Airwolf Studios. We did it right before COVID. And then it came out during COVID. Some say we started COVID. No, a lot of people say that. I remember you sneezed. And I used a crudely made fan to push it out the window. And then other people started sneezing. I know. Yeah. And then we blamed China. I remember that. Fuck. Oh, fuck, she said. Oh, fuck, she said. You covered up my gaff, Sona. Oh, fuck. The resonance on that was gorgeous. I'm so curious about so many things. First of all, I know you grew up in the Bay Area. And here's the question I always have. Why don't we all go live in the Bay Area? That's a great question. Because I'm from Boston. I like LA a lot. But I'm always wishing... I like LA, but I wish it was kind of misty. And I wish it was cold at night. I wish it rained. I wish it had some architecture that went a little further back than I think the oldest structure in Los Angeles is from 1991. And so there is a place like that. San Francisco is kind of a Boston sort of without that accent. I know. It's so great there. And then all the little cities around it, Berkeley and Oakland and Alameda, and it's really... Jason, my husband, he says hello to everybody. First of all, major man crush on your husband. The feeling is huge. That is a funny, good-looking fellow. He is cute. And I... He's amazing. He's cute. You know, yeah. Oh, fuck. I totally get it. Oh, fuck! Sona, take it easy. Yeah! Fuck yeah, Darcy's husband. And what's his name? Jason. Jason. And whenever we're up there visiting my family, we did this... A few months ago, we were in San Francisco and we were driving through these streets and we were like, no, but could we just live here? Yes, I think the same thing sometimes because they also have Dr. Seuss trees. Yeah. They have really good food. It's beautiful. And it's beautiful. And the times I've had to go up there recently for different work things, I'll be in the Bay Area and I'll start to think the same thing. Like, why don't we just move this whole project up to the Bay Area? I could get those tech bro vests. The tech bro vests. And then we could have a startup that fails miserably but walk around and say we're tech bros. The dream. The dream. You think you could be a tech bro? No, no, I mean, I'm going to dress as a tech bro and I'm going to have the chubris. Yes. And I'm going to have... I'm going to be a dicky tech bro. But know nothing about tech. Yes. People are going to see me struggling to just make a phone call on my phone. But I'm going to say I'm working on something called Comatech, you know. A billion shares. A billion shares. Yeah, and you're going to be my vice president of sales and Goli's going to be the Lord High Emperor. I've already quit at this point. Thank you though. Thank you. No, I just made up the center in my head and you're out? No, I'm out looking at the view to a kill filming locations. Yeah. Oh my God. OK, well anyway, we would have a really good time and Sona, you'd come to. I mean, I think you'd like it there. I love San Francisco, but the weather is actually a... No, it's a deal breaker for me. Listen, I know San Francisco, municipal government might be interested in giving us an incentive, like a huge tax break or giving us homes, because this is a sizable operation, isn't it, Adam? Homes? OK, I'm back in. Yeah, it's a very sizable operation. Yeah, I think you get a subsidy. This is a sizable operation. I am willing to move to the Bay Area. No offense, LA, I love you, but I want to wear a tech bro vest. Yeah, and it's the only place you can get them. Yeah, it's true. You know what? I've tried to buy the mother. I tried to buy one. I think I was in Cleveland and they were saying, this is not San Francisco. They got really mad at me. It is funny. I mean, growing up in the Bay Area in the 90s, it wasn't tech bro land, although maybe I mean, I'm sure it was becoming that because I guess that's my apple. Microsoft, was that there? Old school Silicon Valley. Yeah, like a different... No, Microsoft is Seattle. Seattle. Yeah, but Apple was like... Apple was like... Cupertino. Cupertino. Yeah. Yeah, but it was, God, I loved growing up in the Bay Area. And almost my whole family is still there, so we're there all the time. I'll be there for a few minutes. Wait a minute. Would you, and be honest here, let's say we did move up there, would you cohabit, would you live with in an apartment, a fairly small apartment, would you and Jason live with me and Liza? Yeah, we would. Okay. No, we would. We would. You don't even think about it? No, we would. We would. And what I'm talking about is a bunk bed with four beds, like the three stooches have. So look, husband and wives are not even sleeping together. They don't even sleep together. Well, no. It goes... Once you've been married for two years. No, anyway, no, it's two months. No, I'm kidding. But no, I just would love it if we lived together and then in the morning, and whoever's up towards the top, there's a pole and you get to slide down. Yeah, I go, here I go. Here I come, and I go, whoo! I just slick up the pole. And Liza, who's left by that point, because she's like, Gourly has said, I'm out. Yeah, Liza and I are living together at this point. In a different bunk bed. In San Francisco? We found our own city, but it's undisclosed. Yeah. I love Liza. Yeah. Yeah, we love Liza. So do I. Yeah. To quote... To quote... It's okay, I like this riff. Maybe it's not a riff. I'm sorry. As Sona often says to me, Liza's the only part of you I like. That's my favorite thing about you. She's pretty special. But this is... But I just am fascinated with you, Bay Area. And then you turned out so funny. I'm thinking, is this something that's in the water, or is this more of a situation like... I mean, I never know what this comes from. I know. Well, I think it's... Thank you for saying I'm funny. I think it's... Well, we're taking that part out. Okay. So this won't make no sense. I think it stems back from... It is from family, so I don't think that's Bay Area specific, but it's like keeping up with funny aunts and uncles. Oh my God, did that feel good? You know what I mean? Making your funniest uncle laugh. Making adults laugh. Yes. Totally. You feel like you're Robert Redford in the natural, hitting the lights and they explode. Yes. It's the same thing. It is the same thing. I know when I had different types of... I'm really like... My aunts and uncles were very funny, are very funny. And it was different types of comedy. And I feel like I learned a lot of different types of ways to be funny from them. And yeah, making my uncle Mike laugh. Holy shit, did that feel good? It still does. Oh my God. So then at some point, you must be a theater kid. Theater kid. Started doing plays when I was like nine. And that was kind of game over. Isn't that weird? That's too young to know that. But I really was like, this is it. This is why I'm here. I gotta be on stage. I gotta be doing plays. I gotta be doing whatever community theater plays is up next. And that led me to majoring in theater in college. And it was really just so tunnel vision to theater theater theater theater. Are you doing musical theater? Yeah, musical theater. What kind of shows are we talking about? We're talking about, okay, let's start with... We got guys and dolls. We got little Abner. We got cabaret. We got an original musical called Let's Go to the Movies. And yeah, Let's Go to the Movies too. Oh wow. Is this written by someone at the school? It was written by like a childhood friend that I did theater with, but when we were in our 20s. Oh, lovely. Yeah. It was one of those plays that it was in a community theater in the Bay Area. And we were like, well, this is the best thing. So many of the plays are like this, where you're like, I think this is actually the best play that's ever been in this theater. And then with a few years removed, you're like, oh, that was dog shit. That might have been dog shit. But at the time, it feels great. And you were in, I think you were in Goodman, Charlie Brown. Oh my God, Conan? I mean, obviously you just Googled something, but that was cool. No, I didn't Google that. He was at the production. I was there, I was a scout. Oh my God. That kid's going places. Sir, you have to leave. Sir, why are you here? She's nine, you're under arrest. I want her on my podcast. Yes. What's a podcast? You'll find out. You'll find out now back to the future. Your tech bro vest is on fire. I know. That's the company I'm gonna start. Time travel. Yeah, that was my first, that was my first. And who were you? I was Lucy. Oh, that's okay. That's cool. And that's such a, you know, that's when that, yeah, good gig. I got paid in absolute nothing. Right, but Lucy. It was a cool play. Yeah, but Lucy. And that was like, you try something that you want to do and then they say, good job. And then that's it. For me, I just need a little bit of this. And then I'm like, okay. That's the dopamine. Yeah, that's the dopamine. You know, there are days that the travel perks that you get with T-Mobile really come in handy, but then there are days that you just want to embrace couch life and you love you some couch life. Loves me some couch life. Without ever leaving the house, T-Mobile still has you covered. Find plans, including Netflix, plus deals on Door Dash. The more benefits you use, the more value you get. I mean, why go anywhere when you can get your favorite takeout, binge a show, and you can get your favorite takeout, binge a show, and brag to all your friends. You won't believe what I'm not doing tonight. That's a brag when you get to hang out on your couch and live life at its most supreme. It's so comfortable. I have T-Mobile, it's great. And I always like to watch those survival shows and I like to get meat. It's like a steak and then like a survival show. Yeah. And then when the monster's eating the person, you like ta-da, like the meat. For telling the monster. You're a sick guy. Check it out at www.chimobile.com slash magenta status. Wow. Receive Netflix standard with ads while you maintain a qualifying line in good standing. See dash pass details in the T-Life app. You know, I value hard work. I just do. I have an incredible work ethic. Yeah. And that brings me to Nutragrain. Nutragrain is a hard working snack, okay? I was wondering where you were going. It fits into real, well, of course, the minute David knew, the minute I said hard work, he knew Nutragrain was coming. It's a hard working snack. It fits into real life and it helps hard working people get it done. Let me explain. Yeah. It's made with 10 grams of whole grains, 10 vitamins and minerals and no high fructose corn syrup. Yeah. Nutragrain's portable and I demand that of a snack. Yeah. I demand that it be portable. Sometimes a great snack will come out and it's over 600 pounds. I can't lug that around. 600 pounds. It's great for a grab and go option, busy. I'm gonna grab my Nutragrain bar, chomp, chomp. I'm doing my best work ever. Yeah. I don't choose between strawberry flavored Nutragrain for delicious classic or new Nutragrain crunchy for something new. You didn't see that coming, did you? Do you guys think you're hard working enough to merit these new Nutragrain bars? I'm, obviously. I don't know if there's more hard working assistance in this business. Okay, tell me what you do and I will assess if you're hard working enough. You know what? You look really nice today. I massage your ego, which is important because you go up in front of an audience. So you don't mean it? No. You look horrible today. I look terrible, yeah. Okay, well, you know what? That does take a lot of energy to lie to a man with an incredibly fragile ego. And you've been doing that for years. For years. That's a ton of work. That, I think you might merit a Nutragrain bar, but let's see about David hopping. David, what do you do day in and day out? I mean, I wanna state the obvious. You're here right now, which means that this recording was in your calendar. There you go. I put that there. You do my calendar. So you think you are hard working because you clicked into a computer. And typed. Yeah. You know what? And then hit save. I'm proud of both of you. You're welcome. You're both hard workers. Find nutritious and always delicious Nutragrain bars at your favorite store or online retailer today and look for new Nutragrain crunchy bars in stores near you. This is a paid ad by BetterHelp. Women deserve to be celebrated, but we should also recognize that many women carry emotional weight at work in relationships and families and in the roles they play for others. 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Your emotional wellbeing matters, find support and feel lighter in therapy, sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com slash Conan. That's better, H-E-L-P dot com slash Conan. I remember so much about that show. I was nine years old. I remember my grandpa had just had surgery to have a leg removed. He was just cosmetic. This thing's in the way. Why two? I wonder it all the time. Everyone in this room has that. Anyway, but he came to the play in a wheelchair and he and my grandma came in a limo, like an 80s style limo because that was kind of the only thing that he could get in. Anyway, I remember that so clearly and it's all coming back to me. I know, I know. I remember my parents and my grandma and my grandpa being in a place where I could see them and I was singing a solo. I was saying the wrong part. I looked at the piano player for help and she gave me the next line. In front of everybody, I went, I already said that part! And everybody laughed and it was a bit of a moment. Oh good, so you turned around. It was very lucy. So it went well, it didn't go badly. It didn't go badly. I mean, it was like I wasn't trying to be funny. I thought it went badly and your grandfather stood up. Your grandfather shouted. You'd better say stood. Your grandfather shouted. Your grandfather was hoped to his one foot and shouted, this is the worst thing that's happened to me in memory. Well, I'm glad I took his malady and to turn it into my joy. I'm gonna tell you another story about my grandpa and losing his leg. I remember when my mom told me that this was gonna happen. Grandpa had surgery and they had to remove his leg. I remember going to visit him at the hospital and okay, so if you're grandpa, you're in the bed, in the hospital bed. And she was like, don't mention it. Guys, kids, don't mention it. He doesn't, doesn't care. You know what I mean? Just mention how leg is missing. Be happy, maybe sing a Christmas carol or something like that, just keep it happy. And I just remember if this is the way your body would be, I remember standing on his bedside and kind of staring at his face and just being like. And you put your hand down where the leg would be. Just to sort of be like, yeah, it's gone. It's definitely gone. There's no leg there. That's what I remember. Did it ever come up after that? Did you ever bring it up? Well, he died. I knew it. And that's gonna happen with grandpa. I know. Well, they all die eventually, but was it the loss of the leg that? I think it was pretty soon after that. But not related to the thing I've been joking about. That would make me feel bad. I want an autopsy. I'm a guy who's, who hires forensic scientists to do autopsy just to make sure the thing I was joking about was not the thing that killed him. That's a new crime show that I do. But not the thing I was joking about, right? That's so funny. My grandpa had one leg too. For his whole time being your grandpa? No, for the whole time being my grandpa. So I never got to do the whole coming to the hospital and seeing one leg missing. Got to. I'm sorry. I never got to go to the circus. Or see my newly legless grandpa. Why are you doing it wrong? I know, I shouldn't have bragged about it. I shouldn't have bragged about it. I shouldn't have bragged about it. Yeah, you kind of were bragging. I was like, oh my grandpa, I know. It was kind of a bragging. Oh, you know, sorry. You were like, I was there when it was a fresh wound. I can't believe I had grandparents who both had their legs. So to you, grandpa's just had one leg. Yeah, yeah. I just thought that's how grandpa's were. But they have two. Right. Some have two. Yes, no, they do have one. Some have none. That's true. Which leads us to Conan's movie. Which I haven't seen yet, so let's not talk about it. But I can't wait to see it. If I had legs, I'd kick you. Yeah. You know, I think there was this miraculous thing. I didn't know this. But I love trying to figure out the story of people who I really adore and how did they come to be? Because this, I refuse to believe that there's a world where you would not have risen to fame. I do think that it's inevitable if you have your abilities and your personality. So all of that was gonna happen. But what was interesting to me is always how it happened. I didn't realize it was broad city. Yeah. I came up at the Uppertitians Brigade with Abby and Alana. So I knew them and Paul and Lucia, these I should say last names, Abby Jacobson, Alana Glazer, Paul W. Downs, Lucia and Yellow. Paul and Lucia do hacks, but they were also writers and directors on broad city. So those were my people coming up at UCB. Those were like in line to audition for the team with them. And, you know, did that send us, make sense? It did. I'm thinking of a memory in line with Abby to like audition for our first Herald team, things like that. So when they got the chance to make this TV show, they put me in the pilot as just a small part, but I hadn't been in a TV show before. And then when the show got picked up, they had to really rework the pilot and I got cut out of it. And they put me in another, gave me a different role in another episode. Like they just kept, there was like no, they just kept putting me in it. And I was probably only in like one or two episodes a season, but it really did change my life. And when I auditioned for the good place at my test, where you, it's like down to you and the other person. When I walked in an episode of Broad City had aired the night before and Drew Goddard and Mike Sher were talking about it. They were like, oh, it was such a funny this, that with this thing you did. And I was like, Oh, that's such a great ramp in. Yes. They already like you. Yes. And they've already seen you do good work. Exactly. When they're auditioning you for the good place. The confident, exactly. So I just like, all the nerves were shed. And I, you know, they built me up before an audition that I feel like I got in, I feel like I got that role in that audition. I don't want this to sound cocky at all, but I felt really prepared. And I, you know. That's very cocky. It is. Yeah. I mean, I just said, you had done all this work. And then I kind of looked at it. And then you said, you know what? I think I was really well prepared. Yeah. And that's how that turned everybody against me, huh? There's a show in the room. I can see my breath now. She just, she's cocky. Yeah. I don't like a cocky woman. Like you had said, I know it sounds cocky, but I think I'm the greatest performer that ever lived. Right. I think, you know, getting, I keep losing, I keep feeling. Yeah, there it is. There, it's you. I've been feeling you. That happens all the time. What's that? Your hair came off? Yeah. Okay. I'm gonna leave it in here for the next person. I'm gonna plant this on a crime scene. Ah! A strange murder in Catalina's been solved. Dersi Carden has been arrested. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. An orange woman was seen fleeing. This is reminding me of something that I really do feel like you will understand because you're like me with this. Anything for the laugh. My niece Clover, who's four now, when she was a baby, before she was even one, her hair was starting to get a little bit long and she had like this tiny little like, naughty, just a little knot in the back of her head that they couldn't, they couldn't brush out. So they said, let's cut it. It was gonna be her first little haircut. So we cut it and I took it and I ate it. Yes! And they laughed. I made my sister laugh and my husband laugh and my brother-in-law laugh. I feel like he would have done it. But you really ate it. No! It was so tiny. And I love her so much. And you love hair. And I love to eat hair. I just want any reason to eat hair and this was a great one. But she's so little. But you didn't get sick or anything. No, she's a baby and she's gorgeous and she has perfectly fine, gorgeous little. I've seen you at club gymnastics there with my daughter. You know her. You know I ate Clover's hair. Yes. You know Clover and I ate her hair. She has beautiful hair. It is really funny to eat something you're not supposed to eat. It really is. And kids love it. Yes, it really is. But if I need to really get a kid, that sounds awful. But I really need to make a kid laugh. I really need to get a kid. Now when I have to get a kid, that's a whole other thing. No, I really need to get a kid. You need the van. Anyway, it's been three weeks. No, they love it if you're like, they love it if you're, you know, if you have a TV remote. Oh God, that's so annoying. Miming a television remote, you freaks, monsters. I really need to get this kid. I need to get that kid. If you're miming a TV remote. Yeah. No, if you have a TV remote in your hand and then you're talking to a kid and you go, um, delicious and you lick it, nine out of 10 times you've got it. Oh, I'm going to use that. And I'm going to take credit for it. Got so happy. I'm not going to say. Well, I tried registering that with the writer's guild. They told me to screw off. I'll tell my little niece, I'll say, that came from Conan's brain and she'll go, who? Who? God damn it, that brought me down. I know, you've got to get to that generation. She's four. No, I'm the same thing. I immediately become a child when Zona's kids who are four, yeah, twins. When her twins come running into the building, I immediately, all work stops. Yeah. And I'm chasing them. Then they're chasing me. Then I'm saying it's, it's a, if I see they've got chips, it bags of chips, it's a good thing. No one took my chip. What? Yeah. And then they're running around. And so then you usually take them away because you know they're not going to sleep for two days. Right, right, right. But I also know I'm not going to sleep for two days. But you feel so good. It feels great. Getting a laugh from a kid. It's, it works both ways. When you're a kid making an adult laugh is the best thing in the world. When you're an adult making a kid laugh is the best thing in the world. You're so right. Cause both of them are not a guarantee at all. Not getting a laugh from a kid is fucking humiliating. Oh, I've been there. Yeah. Sure. And I, and then I'm mad. Yes. Embarrassed, trying harder, still failing. Yeah. That's how. Okay. You've seen my work. Yeah. That's, I think I've mentioned this before, but worth retelling. Please. Briefly, a good friend of mine, Mike Castigneal and I who were at the ground links together. Someone saw us and said, you two are really funny together. Would you show up at my kids party? And we said, sure. And we dressed up as minstrels and showed up at this kids party with guitars. Bombed like I've never bombed in my life. It was in a park in Santa Monica. These kids hated us. Oh my God. And there was, and until the mom made us tag out. Okay. The mom was like, you should just go. Oh, that's even worse. And it was Mike and I walking back to our cars with our guitars dressed as gestures. Right. And I, that hurts as much as anything is hurt. Totally. I bet that's really true. I don't even think you're a secretary. It is true. Everything is exactly, yes. No. That's what happened. Yeah. And the feeling is the same as bombing in front of a theater. In a way it's kind of worse because you feel like kids are seeing the real you. Yeah. You know? I think we just saw the real you. No, it's what? No, I'm being honest. But what does that reveal? When a kid is looking you in the eyes and not buying it, you think they have X-ray vision and they can see like to your bones. Right. And not that they're going like, you suck, but they're just kind of looking at you like, hmm. Yeah. No. Pure honesty. Yeah. No reason to hide anything. Right. Yeah, they don't care of, you know, I mean now one of the things I like about making a kid laugh is they don't know, oh, he's done many series and he has a body of work, so I should laugh now. Right, right. There's none of that. They don't care. Who is this? Yeah, and that all enrages me. Yeah. One of the things that fascinated me about the good place was how much clearly Mike Scher was interested in ethics and what's ethical. And I can just contrast that with some of the things that are happening in the world today and in the news. Were you raised with any religion? I was raised Episcopalian, which is a pretty easy one. Yeah. Lies is an Episcopalian. And it's like, cool, you don't have to show up anywhere. Does that feel like to you that's cheating a little bit? Yeah, I can tell in this face. I know. I thought Episcopalian was touching you. It's just, no, I'm sorry. I'm sorry Episcopalians. No. Do you know what I mean? Show up, don't show up. Whatever. You seem like a good person. Yeah, it was easy. It was more about like, I like hanging out with my friends at this church and eating cookies. Because when Lies and I were getting married, I had to get married in the Catholic Church. It's just, I mean, when I say have to, I mean, I'm not going to call my mom and my dad and say, by the way, it's going to be at a church called, it's not going to be a church. It's going to be on the beach at Groovy Point. Right. Bring some sunblock and some good vibes. So we were married in a Catholic cathedral in Seattle. But I remember Lies's family was like, okay, that's what you want. Like we'll go to that. But this, did Liesa feel like she was like performing wedding? Yeah, I think she was doing me a major solid. Cause she knew how much it meant to my parents. My dad really wanted us to get married in a church as well. And we had to have sort of like a, not hard conversation because we were a Piscopilian. So it's not that big of a deal. But he just was, it couldn't quite, why wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you? Of course that's what you do. And I didn't want that feeling of like sort of pretending to, playing, getting married, which I think I would have felt like if I got married in a big church. I was, I just remembered this cause I was just back in Seattle. I passed that cathedral where I got married in 2002. And I went in and I had this very immediate memory of, I had been good future son-in-law the whole time I was engaged. Just, you know, good boyfriend, the good, you know, I'll pick up that tab and just nice to everybody. And cause I just wanted to make sure this deal went through. This, Don't screw up the deal. I want to screw up this. No, you got to lock it up. Yeah. You know Liesa, I had to lock, I had to lock this up. So can't let this not happen. There was one member of her family who is very religious and she had, I think 10. Two legs? Oh. Yeah, she had two legs. She had three legs. Cause she got your grandfather's leg. Oh. Yeah. Messed up. It's not messed up. It's not messed up. It's not messed up. It's not okay. It's not messed up. It's actually really normal. It's actually really normal. That's what happens when someone loses a leg, it goes to someone else. It goes somewhere else. Yeah. Yeah, she had three and she could only walk in circles. Anywho. Yeah, sorry. We're really on, this is good. No, this is great. I just checked my machine. We haven't gone too far. This trip. So what are her relatives? Anyway, she's a very, a religious member of her family who's, who at one point in the service, which was really long, cause it's a Catholic mass plus a lot of other stuff. She read, she read like 10 blessings, or she was going to read 10 blessings. So is all the stress of the wedding day and it's a really long wedding and a lot of people came and saying hi to everybody and then going back and they took pictures after the wedding in front of everybody and I'm feeling that pressure. And I'm really like a wire that's been pulled in and this religious member of her family came up to me after the ceremony. And now it's finally my chance to be able to go and have a glass of wine, sit down with Liza, just chill for a second. And she grabs my arm and she says, you know what, I read nine of the blessings, but then the priest started up again and they didn't get to read the 10th. Could you stop everybody? No. They say the 10th blessing and suddenly real Conan showed up. For the first time in two years. And I said, I think there's been enough Jesus for one day and I went to my table and like down to glass of wine. And she was like, what? And Liza gave her a look like, yeah, there's that guy too. Like there's both. You know, Eddie Haskell went away. Like, oh gee, Mr. Cleaver, it's so nice to see you. That went away. I think there's been enough Jesus for one day. Turned and walked. Goodbye. And then go, go, go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Liza's like, oh, he's in our family now. Yeah, yeah, that guy. By the way, I knew I had the ring. Yeah, exactly. We're done. We're all done. Locked it in. Yeah. Mic drop. So anyway, I was just curious, because in my upbringing, the ethics are real simple. God is always watching and sees everything. Don't ever do anything that you not cool with God seeing. That's a very little literal interpretation, but when you're a kid, that's what you think is the case. And I took everything very literally when I was a kid and they told me once, they were talking about heaven, and this is a nun, because I had to go to, after regular school, we had to go to this place called the Seneca and be taught by nuns about Catholic construction, no, every Monday night. And I would go to this place and nuns with the whole habit and everything are teaching and they're writing on the board about Jesus and the religion and the Holy Spirit. And at one point she was talking about heaven and I said, what is heaven? And she said, what's your favorite thing to do? And I said, color in my coloring book. And she said, well, you do that for all eternity. And I looked at a camera that wasn't there and went as long as Sona would say, fuck. Fuck. I was like, that sounds, I mean, I like to color in my coloring book. You sort of saw the scope of like forever. I mean, I like it, but all eternity. I also like writing my bike. Yeah. No coloring in your coloring book forever. God watching, don't go outside the lines. And that's the thing is like that nun said that and you held onto that for probably so long. I'm still thinking I just talked about it. Exactly. I would fall asleep saying the Lord's prayer as many times as I could because I felt, I made up a system that for every one time I said it, that like a race is one bad thing I did that day. That's a rosary bead. Yeah, that's true. Rosary beads are basically, rosary beads are, these beads are our fathers, Lord's prayer and these beads are Hail Mary's and you work your way through them and they, you know. You say the prayer and that erases something bad you did. I don't know if it's in one to one, like deletes, but if you worked your way through the rosary, yes, that's like, well, I entered all the information. I just filled out all these forms and now I get this credit. That's insane. But you realize that so many religions are do this and you'll be okay and the Vatican had a list of amounts of money you could pay to get out of certain sins. That was a regular part of the Catholic church. Could I see that list? You can't afford it, buddy. You'll never get out of your own hell. You don't know where my sins are, they're tiny. Yeah, and I know. No, that was a thing I think called selling indulgences. I don't know how I just came up with that. But. Your brain's big. Yeah, just crazy stuff I can whip out. Yeah. Selling indulgences I think was medieval Catholic church where they could say, oh, for $100,000 in gold, you get to go to heaven, here's your piece of paper. Show this when you get to the preliques. I think that's why there was such a big backlash with Martin Luther and this whole reform movement of we gotta clean that stuff up. But going back to tech, bros, I think somebody is going to do this again. I think someone's going to come up with a program, some algorithm that they say, if you can give us this many cord bits, then that will translate into eternal piece. Cord bits. Anything we, anything humanity has done, we might do again and we probably will. I think there's a new religion. What's that? It's a new religion like someone's coming in. I'm just positing that someone could say. And that it would probably, I'm sure there is a religion that will require us to just do this. You know what I mean? Oh, I see that all the time. Yeah, I'm out and about and I see things. Oh, interesting. You know what I've noticed? Speaking of being out and about and seeing things, I'm doing a lot of walking these days, trying to get my steps in. And I have noticed that people go on walks and look at their phones the entire time. And I mean, watch things on their phone as they're walking. Like people are walking and not just like, like from store to store. I mean, like going on a hike, going on a walk, their head is down and they're scrolling or they're watching. They're looking at nature scenes while they're walking through nature. When I walk my dog, cause it's so boring. Stop doing that. Cause she stops. But you have to stop. You have to stop. I know, I now I leave my phone at home, which is bad because what if I like, okay, well, you could put a little earpiece in and listen to some music. If you need something to take the edge off nature. But try not to do that because I see people on bicycles. I know there are people on motorcycles that are listening to their tunes. I think that's insane. And the big thing is yesterday I was side to side with someone in her car. And I noticed she was driving was a little funky, completely down looking at her phone while she started. I don't do that scary. I don't do that, but walking I have to stop. But God's watching. Yeah, God's watching. God's watching all the time. If you pay me a hundred thousand dollars right now, I'll hand that. But God is watching it. He knows what phones are. No, God can see through your phone. Oh, man, oh, no. God acts your phone specifically. He's on the other side of the screen. I make this when I see- God illegally went through Apple. No, but you agreed to it. You signed something. Yeah, yeah, it said it was okay. When you take God to court, he's gonna be like, read the fine print. Did you read the fine print? Or a woman. Okay. You read the fine print. Yeah, a doctor can also be a woman. I make a noise when I see somebody doing this. When I walk by them, I go like... Good for you. Like a horse? Yes. It's not like saying like, hey, look up. It's like you're coming around the corner a little beep, beep, something. Yeah, a little beep, beep. I know we could talk about this forever and I know it has been spoken about over and over, but it really is mind-blowing. Like when you are at an airport or whatever, when you walk into a room and you see everybody with their head down, it really is like, how do we get here? Yeah, and the other thing, rock and roll music. Oh, it's the devil's music. You got it, it'll get in your brain. What do we do? Well, I think by complaining about it, and by complaining about a thing that many other people have already noticed, we've shown a light on something that already has a light on it. Yeah, we did. And we've accomplished really nothing. Yeah. Don't you think? Well, back to our phones. I know, I don't like to yuck other people's yuck either. It also says... Have you ever heard that phrase before? Oh yeah, my kids used to say don't yuck my yuck. It's such a weird thing to say. Yeah. But it makes you perplex. I wouldn't let them have any liquids or water for a year. Oh no. I just read an article when I was focused on my phone that said water and liquids is bad for human life. Bad for kids, for growing kids, yeah. So they got very ill. But they're doing better now? They're much better now that they're having liquids. And water. Cause that's what we're made of. I have never been angrier with any guests than I am with you right now. Oh my shit. What did I do? What didn't you do? I know, I know. You came in here with your darshy cardin attitude. Cocky. What's up? She's cocky. You're very cocky. She's cocky. And you came in here and then you started to say we need to get off our phones. Well, that's the only joy I have in my life now. Is my phone. I know. I want to walk my dog and look at my phone. I'm on like zero, it's 3 PM and I'm on 0% battery cause I've been on my phone all day. You understand? How many? I'm a piece of shit. How many Conan clips are you watching? No. No. Who are you looking at buddy? Just looking around. Okay. There's a huge crowd cheering me right now that's in my mind and I like to check them out. They're gone Conan. No. Are you working with Mr. Will Fortan? Are you not at Liberty Dimension? No, I'm Liberty. Okay. I'm Liberty. Don't you love him? He's fantastic. Have you guys, you've had him on the show? What a guy. We did a TV show that's coming out in Australia in December and then it'll be over here at some point. I can't wait. I can't wait. It's called Sunny Nights. We play siblings. I'm kind of like wild card. He's straight laced. We get in with some bad people and we have to like, you know, find our way out. Now, can you speak normally to each other? Are you both in bit hell when the other person's in the room? I mean, I called him the other night. He wanted me to do this charity event with him that I wanted to do and then schedule thing, some schedule thing happened and I called him the other night and he answered the phone like this. He picked up and you went, hello. And I said, Will, it's bad news. And he goes, oh no. And that's wrong. What's wrong with all of us? I know, I know. I don't know. Yeah, you're all sick. Yeah. I was gonna, only if I can find this in 10 seconds was gonna play you a song that Will and I made up in the middle of the night. I bet the timestamp is like three in the morning and some overnight shoot and we were just trying to like keep ourselves up. Okay, let's just see what this is. I'm not quite sure, but I know it'll be something. A five, six, seven, eight. Judo, riddle, buddle, buddle, good old Badoo. Jido, riddle, beetle, beetle, gido, Badoo. Just a guy, festa, lion, masticatoo. Chili, tasting, willy, mason, mendicentoo. That was really good. And you can hear the Australian blue. That was great. Wait a minute, that was great. Thank you. That was great. And we came up with it in, I bet that was 30 minutes of work. That was waiting. Yes, of course it was. That was waiting for the cameras to get ready and we were like, let's make up a song in algebra-ish and then that's what happens. Cause also he gets really set on something and then it's happening. Anyway, I love him like family. I love him. I, my favorite thing is yesterday, Sonia was standing really close to me like her face was right here. And I just put one pen in my mouth and turned to her and went, I'm half a walrus. Why? And you lost it. You lost. It's so stupid. Yeah. I think that was that my face was so close to hers. Yes. And no, no one should ever do that. No, I love it. No one should ever declare that I'm half a walrus. With one tusk. I actually think, I think bits, I think doing bits is a language. I really do. I think it's, I think it's okay. I, I think, I guess you can overdo it if someone's not wanting, but I- Oh yes, you can. I'll tell you. But when I say language, I mean, if you speak bit, I think it's actually like love and communication. I think it's really good. Is that how you took it? It is. Yeah, cause you laughed. He loves me. Yeah. Oh, that's nice. Or he's just got a pen jammed in his mouth. Or he's broken. Yeah. And like, we need to take him to a hospital. We need to talk to him. He could be either one. He's sad. And when he actually is hurt and has like a brain issue one day, we're not gonna know. But that's actually okay too. Yeah. A lot of people have talked about this, which is how will we know if he's, if his mind is going, how will we know? But I think that's okay. Cause if his mind is going, he won't know and you won't know. So then it's just kind of like a nice- That's so beautiful. I'm treated. I was thinking about like this is in the future and it could have happened years ago. I could be 15 years into a terrible I would put my money on that. Marine occlusion. Yeah. We're all coloring books in heaven right now. Back to my dad's quote. Back to my dad's quote. My dad, who was a scientist, looked at me and said, I see, he wasn't trying to make a joke. He said, you're being treated for something. I'm sorry. My dad looked at me and he's a scientist. And he said, I see, you're making your living off something that should probably be treated. Oh my God. And I was like, he's not wrong. Oh my gosh. Which he hadn't said it. Yeah. But he's not wrong. But he's not wrong. Which I didn't now know that, but that's true. Actually true. Yeah. Yeah, dad. Dad. Well, let's keep that cash rowing in. I'm blue. I'm half a wash. Huh? I wanna do it. Darcy Cardin, you are a joy. And absolutely, try it. I'm the other half. Yay. Here's your pen back. You should have named it here. You should immediately drop your project with Will Forte and do my, it's half a walrus meets the other half. I'm so in. Don't shake that hand. Don't make that deal. Don't make that deal. Legally binding. In a cord of law. Legally binding. Better call your paw. Okay. Darcy Cardin, absolute joy. I love you to death. I love you so much. My best to your crazy, handsome, cold husband. And my best to your crazy, handsome, cool wife. She is handsome. She is. She's the alpha male. Yeah. And I'm gonna make you come back here again and again and again. I can't wait. There's nothing you can do about it. Once a year, at least. Yes. Okay, great. Okay, great. Okay, great. You know, there are days that the travel perks that you get with T-Mobile really come in handy. But then there are days that you just wanna embrace couch life. And you love you some couch life. Loves me some couch life. Without ever leaving the house, T-Mobile still has you covered. Find plans including Netflix, plus deals on Door Dash. The more benefits you use, the more value you get. I mean, why go anywhere when you can get your favorite takeout, binge a show and brag to all your friends. You won't believe what I'm not doing tonight. That's a brag when you get to hang out on your couch and live life at its most supreme. It's so comfortable. I have T-Mobile, it's great. And I always like to watch those, like survival shows. And I like to get meat. So like a steak and then like a survival show. Yeah. And then the monster's eating the person. You like the meat. For telling the monster. You're a sick guy. Check it out at g-mobile.com slash magenta status. Wow. Receive Netflix standard with ads while you maintain a qualifying line in good standing. See dash pass details in the T-Life app. Man, tax time. Tax season. It's stressful. Yeah, it is. And the old way of doing taxes was such a pan that gave you a shoe box with your receipts. Yup. You're scared, you're nervous. You're like, when did I buy this? You know? The April 15th tax deadline will be here before you know it, it's coming fast. Doing taxes used to mean sitting in a waiting room, handing over a pile of papers and then staring across a desk for hours while someone berates you. Yeah. You've run your life terribly. I'm sorry, dad. Or finally. Oh, what? Or finally finding an expert. My dad always did my taxes. Or finally finding an expert. But their only appointments are weeks out and right in the middle of your work day. Yeah. This year brings a major upgrade into it. TurboTax now has in-person locations nationwide. You can walk into a tech-enabled TurboTax location near you and meet face-to-face with a real tax expert and have your tax documents uploaded to your TurboTax app on the spot. Hey, we're always hearing about the future. It's here. Just like that, you're done. Your new TurboTax expert stays back and works tirelessly to get you every dollar you deserve while you get real-time notifications as you go about your day. Head to TurboTax.com to find a store location near you and get matched with a TurboTax expert with real-time updates in the iOS app. ["I'm a Man"] We're sitting here with our lawyer. What is your official title here at Conco and Fire? Director of Business and Legal Affairs. Okay, that lights up a party. Right. Very exciting, I know. So, David Nelmed, good to have you here. Good to be here. And again, the I goes to you. Very handsome fellow. Thank you. I think we all agree. Inappropriate. So, please, my company, I can do as I please. I'm the lawyer. That's what I've learned the last couple of years. Oh, wait, that's not right. Also, you were cutting, bitches, left and right last time. I know, but I'm not the lawyer. Guys, please, the garden hose is getting all tangled and I'm a good gardener and I want to straighten it now. What? Here's what's happening. Okay. It was brought to my attention very recently on a previous episode that Netflix is bringing back Star Search and they have an ad that pays tribute to all the very famous superstars that got their start on Star Search and they show this montage of these performers like Beyonce, Britney Spears, Kevin James performing on Star Search. Then they cut to this animated card that shows all the people that got their start on Star Search and if you'll see where Christina Aguilera's name is and you drift down to the right, you see the name there? I see Conan O'Brien. Yes. Look at the dollar signs in his eyes. Yeah. Look at me. This was Netflix? Look at me. This is Netflix. They've been in the news lately. Yes, yes. This is Netflix. This is Netflix, which is a German word for deep pockets. Yes, it is. This is Netflix. Yes, it is. So, Mr. Melmed. Yes. Let me call you Mr. Melmed. You're mad. I think I can. Dan, I'm your employer and I can do as I please. I have no involvement with Star Search. I didn't get my start on Star Search. As Sona rightly pointed out, I have no talent that I could have brought to Star Search. Really, I mean, honestly, no connection. This is like saying we're gonna salute the 1927 Murderer's Row Yankees and Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig and Conan O'Brien. I would say, oh my God, what's happened? That's how ridiculous this is. And yet there's my name. This isn't a joke. We didn't make this up. What do you think is happening here? Is this a random list or is anyone on this? We Google this to the best of our knowledge. Everybody else has been verified, according to Google, as getting their start on Star Search. And I am not mentioned on that list. Except Conan O'Brien. Because I have no connection to Star Search, never went on Star Search, never went to a taping, never passed the building, have no connection to it, I'm not offended, I'm just curious what's going on and what is my legal position? What can we do here and how can this benefit me go? Well, if you asked me that, which you just did. He's good. He's good, we were- Can I just say something? My head is- Can I just say something? Yes. That was the most useless exchange I've ever had in my life. I know. Unbelievable. And I'm paying you. You are. You said, if you asked me that and you just did. Yes. Incredible. My head is going. My brain is trying to think of an answer. He needs a second. Well, you know what, I would say Conan, well, I'm hearing you and that's something that I'm hearing. Thank you. And now I hear that. Now I don't have a computer in front of me so I can't Google anything at this point. No, I would say, look, if you're the only person on this board without that connection, I would say to you, is there any, you're feeling about it, you don't feel damaged, you don't feel defamed. I do. Oh, you do? Yeah. Well, just in this moment, I'm seeing which way you're going with this. Yes. I feel very damaged and very defamed. I'm not sure I can recover. Well, you probably couldn't recover damages, but we could certainly- No, you're misunderstanding. I didn't say recover damages. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not sure I can emotionally recover. Wait. Sure. So when your kid wanders in the room and said, I fell down and I got hurt, you take it immediately to mean- I do. You lost some financial gain? I do. Okay. So, honestly, you're- Monster. I would say- Child services. Yes. I would say practically your legal recourse would be to have your name removed. From if this is- See, I don't want that. I love having my name up there. That's beautiful, but at the same time, I feel damaged. Okay. I feel that this is a drag on my income. I feel that- I feel a loss. I'm not sure I will be able to podcast in the near future. And if he can't, Sona and I can't. Yeah. Oh, okay. So I think what you're talking about is sort of speculative damages, right? I think you may have a difficult time in that because it's a bit of a contri- You know, you have on the one hand, I have no connection to this, but on the other hand, I want to keep that up there. So you are benefiting a bit from the publicity. Because of the names up there. You work for me and you're arguing against me. I would say, Conan, if we were having this conversation outside of this podcast, I would probably be giving you these arguments against what you're trying to tell me that you want to do. Okay, let me tell you something. If I could speak to you- You may. And I can. You may. Because I have a microphone and you're in the room with me. Yes, sure. And we're speaking. Yes, we are. If you could hear me, which you can. Yes. And you would hear my thoughts. I would say this. I think it's going to be damaging for people to my name to be taken away. I can prove in court that my name brings people real joy. And to put it up and then take it away is going to be a wound. Sure. For any of the American people who are watching Netflix and many people are as they should be because they may soon be my overlord. Yes, they could. And so I would say the name just has to stay. That would do, why? Why do that? You're just hurting people unnecessarily. The name can stay, but I've been terribly wounded and damaged. I see a real financial loss for me, not so much for Sonia and Gourley. They're fine and they shouldn't participate. But I feel, hey, when they put your names up there, feel free to suckle at that teeth. Can we sue them to put our names on there? Yes. Let's sue them to put your names on there and then sue them to take them off. And I once worked as an usher. So could that be me? You worked as an usher? It's possible. Okay. Yeah, that's a good one. Yeah, that's fine. That's fine, that works for me. Okay, this is what we're going to do. Sure. You are going to contact Netflix. You're going to inquire as to why my name has been put up there. You're going to insist that the name stay. In fact, my name is on a half fade right now. Yeah, it is. You know, but not as faded as Drew Carey's, Rosie O'Donnell's or Leanne Rhymes. Or there's one that's so, oh, Brad Garrett should sue. Because his name is so faded on this. Yes, it is. Why even put it up? That's a star in the sky that looks like he... And Leanne Rhymes, you know, you have Leanne Rhymes. It's a bit faded. Did you notice the shooting stars emanating from your name? Yes, yes. Look at that, the shooting star, because I create stars. Oh, wow. Okay, this is the thing. Babe, clearly, this is a good point. My name's up there. There's a shooting star coming out of my name, which means I have so much talent that more stars are flying off of me. You're the big bang of talent. Have you ever even met Beyoncé? What you talking about? Why are you trying to chip away at me? Beyoncé and I are tight, so let's not even go down that road. I don't know. But I am one of her honeybees, trust me. You saying you're in the beehive? I'm saying I'm one of her honeybees. And see, this is where you're wrong. If you knew Beyoncé the way I did, you know that when you're on the real inside, you don't say beehive, you say, I'm one of the honeybees. So anyway, that's not the point. The point is we keep the name up there. My friendship with Beyoncé continues. And I feel damaged. They are selling a product with my name, and I love it. I pay you, I know I don't pay you well, but you are paid to represent me, and here you are telling me there's no case here. They're using my name to sell. I didn't say the other case. And also, the damage has been done. This is already out there. And you're saying, well, they could take it down. I didn't really see a case here. No, I didn't say you didn't have a case. I said, we have to decide where you feel damaged and what we can prove of what your damages are. For example, if you said, I can't do this show anymore, then are you going to stop doing this podcast for the next X amount of months? If you're saying that, you know, I was so just disheartened. I went to therapy for six months. I couldn't get this out of my head. If you know, your name and likeness, you know, I've heard someone's hosting, you know, again, the Oscars this year, right? They're like, I can't do it. This is embarrassing, I can't do it. You have to prove your damages. You could say to me, I'm damaged by this, but how? I can't feel my legs. Oh, boy. I have no feeling in my legs. You don't get it. From the pelvis down. I have a question. You know what I would say? This is, I can't use my legs. I would say after this, we're going to get, we're going to go to the doctor and we're going to get that checked out. I know the doctor too. His name is Dr. Arroyo. Perfect. Oh, man. I will show up. You know what I do? I want to show up at Netflix with Dr. Arroyo in a wheelchair. Say you put my name up as one of the people that got started on Star Search and I can't feel my legs and then Dr. Arroyo will prove that by driving a stake through one of my legs and I will remain motionless. Is Dr. Arroyo in the wheelchair? No. But you know what? Maybe just for good measure, we'll both be in wheelchairs. I have a question. This is my doctor who's so upset about what happened to me. He can't feel his legs either. Is there any danger that Netflix could counter sue saying that was a mistake and his name is hurting our brand? So you're saying that Netflix would come back and say we made the mistake here and it's hurting our brand? What he's saying, and I should be insultable what you just said, but I actually think, but I actually think I'm a fair person. You might be onto something, which is by putting Netflix could say we're countersuing because this was a mistake. The computer accidentally took his name from the Mark Twain Award, you know, Mark Twain Prize that was on Netflix earlier this year and somehow it got up there. And it is damaged our show because people love Beyonce. They love Britney Spears. They love Dave Chappelle. And then they saw Conan O'Brien and it's destroying us. And it's destroying Beyonce and Christina Aguilera because they're closest to your name. So they can also sue. I'm a black hole sucking the other stars and their light into, yeah. Sucking the other stars. Who would they be, the question is, who would they be soon, right? Let's say they hired a production company, right? Yeah. So they couldn't go after Conan, right? If he really had no knowledge that this was happening, right? Nice try. If there was a production company, which we've hired before, Tim Coco's hired production companies to put on these kinds of shows that potentially, although, you know, a unilateral mistake like that, that they may not have had knowledge that Conan O'Brien was on there. But if you pointed that out and said, look, this is, it's possible. I'm just gonna say this. It is possible. I mean, I was a little disappointed because I was hoping you'd come in here and say, oh my God, they're selling a big show on Netflix, which is The Streamer and they're using your name. That's false advertising. We're gonna get them. And instead, there's been a lot of sort of mealy mouth. Hmm, maybe, I don't know, hard to prove. Maybe they'll all just quiet. I'll make a phone call and this will go away, but no one will get any money. And so I'm guessing I'm saying, if I could fire you. Yes. And I can because I'm your boss. We went over this last time, right? If I could fire you. Okay, good. And I can. Okay. And you could hear me. I would, you can. Because I'm talking. There you go. And you have headphones on and you're listening. Yes, I do. Then you'd be fired and you would no longer work for me, which is what's happening now. And if we would go back. Because I just fired you. And if we went back in time, I would say you have a case, Conan, let's do it. You are absolutely correct. Physical, emotional. There's gonna be maybe one more installment where we found out how this happens. Someone from Netflix has to tell us what happened. I'd love to find that out. But I don't know who spotted this. Ruthie shared it with me. I'm not sure how Ruthie did that. This is fantastic. Ruthie Wyatt. This is great. And I know there are probably people listening, thinking Conan has enough. He doesn't need to make money off this. Clearly just a mistake made by Netflix. No, there's never enough. I wanna make a killing off this. Okay? Sure. I wanna buy a Greek island with the money I get from this. I would think we would have to, again, it's just you and I talking, right? No one else is listening. I would say, look, we have to try to at least show that we wanna take this down. Even though you want it up. The first thing someone would ask you is, well, it's been up there for six months and you knew about it. That's a difficult thing to overcome, right? I could see it coming down, but then I want it back up after the suit's over. There you go. How's that? And I can't feel my legs. I neither can my doctor. I like the legs part. All right. That, we'll get to the bottom of this. So, yeah, more on this Netflix mystery. Yes. Let me come back. Thank you. Thank you for having me. Conan O'Brien needs a friend. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian and Matt Gorley. Produced by me, Matt Gorley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Jeff Frost and Nick Leo. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista and Brick Khan. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco Hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. Pay around the corner and around the globe. Apple Pay is accepted at millions of places worldwide. Wherever you see the contactless symbol in stores or the Apple Pay button online and in apps. 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