JPMorgan: Sex, Lies, and HR Scandals

This is Exactly Right. Welcome to Brief Recess. I'm Michael Foote. I'm Alyssa Malbranche. Today we're going to talk about self-loathing, pro-cultural identity, all the cruise ships that I hate and the cesspools that they have, a hantavirus, how there's no adults in control, the JP Morgan Chase sex scandal lawsuit, which turns out to be a hoax, I think. And we're going to answer all your burning questions from the DM, so stick around. Yeah, I was just making sure my tie is straight. Is that what it was? Yes, it really was. Okay. God. Jesus complex. Sorry, all my self-loathing. Know how I feel about self-loathing. The thing I don't have at all. Self-loathing. No self-loathing whatsoever. No self-loathing. No self-loathing whatsoever. No. Okay. I went to therapy. I figured it out. I went to therapy this weekend. How was that for you? I needed like a check-in because it's just a lot has changed in my life and it's been a minute. Do you not go regularly? I'm not anymore. Okay. Because she was like, dude, I don't know why you're here. I honestly enjoyed going. She was like... Because Michael is so well-adjusted. I was like, I really thought I needed to go. And she was like, there are people who actually need help. Can you leave me alone? And I was like... Wow. Yeah. And she had done that like a couple of times and then I would come back and be like, hey, like I'm struggling and we chat. So I went this weekend. She's Gen Z. She looked me in the eye and she said, like, why did you feel like you should even contact me? Why did you? You mean, wait, the first time at all or this time? This time. She was like, I don't know why you really felt like you should even reach out to me. I was like, okay, I guess I'll go fuck myself. Yeah. What the hell? And then she was like, I'm not really hearing like an issue here. And I was like... She needs a therapist herself. She needs one. And you know what? And she needs a Gen X one. But let me tell you, it worked. Because I was like, you know what, bitch, you do got this. You are good. You are fine. Are you? Yeah. I like leaving that call. I felt very confident. I was like, she's right. I do have this. I got to figure it out. I do know what to do. I do have the answers. I do have the resources. And so it was kind of what I needed, but it was like a very Gen Z response. She was like, I don't... She was like, how'd you get this number? Yeah, like why even here? But talking about self-loathing, I know that's the real thorn in your side. It's something that really gets under your skin, raises your hackles. When it comes to things like that, I think again, my desire to know why, like what happened, right? What's going on in the home? What's going on in the home? Sure. Or what's not going on in the home? Is it a hug problem? Let's get into a sidebar about self-loathing. And I actually would like to hear from people about that for themselves. Like, is there anybody who is self-aware enough to realize that they are self-loathing? They genuinely don't like things about themselves that they can't change, right? Like, well, I was going to say like their race and ethnicity, but then I'm thinking about the conversation that we had the other day. Not trans-racialism, no. But like, you know, people who are, you know, they are closeted. There are people who truly don't like who they are in terms of race or ethnicity to the point where they have now removed themselves from their family. I told you this before. One time I had someone say to me, and this was an Asian person who said to me with a straight face that they were like a banana, yellow on the outside and white on the inside. And I was flabbergasted. My flabbers were gassed. I could not even. It was, you know what it is to, as somebody who, out of all the problems I've ever had, I feel like the minute I introduce myself, hi, Melissa Malbranch-Hation and you, do you know what I mean? And there's a pride there and not like a better than anybody else feeling. But like... You're not going to make me feel bad about my identity. And not at all. Not at all. And so I don't understand why you, as whatever it is that you are, cannot feel just genuine pride in that. Whatever it is that you are, you're Irish, you're Italian, you're Jamaican, you're Ghanayin, whatever it is, there should be like, you should feel good about that, right? From what I'm hearing is that your issues with it are really tied to identity. Correct. And it's about mostly race, gender, sexual orientation. I think, well, the banana common is insane because there is so much self-loathing and like white aspiration, I think, in person of color communities. It is really interesting, right? It's, I don't know, do you watch, oh God, what is the name of that show? Gilded Age. Yes, the Gilded Age. So last year, there was, Felicia Rashad came on last year, right? And she is from this very prominent African-American family in said in the Gilded Age. And one of the things that she does is her son is courting this other African-American woman who is dark-skinned. And the whole season is her trying to come to terms with it. And then there's another part in the show where there are some kids, black kids running out outside, and she yells at the housekeeper to bring them back in the house or use an umbrella because these kids don't need to get any darker, right? And the whole thing about that is in the past, like I was saying to Dr. Trouvelle, is there was a moment where people aspired to be, if not white, then as light as possible as a way of making themselves sort of not stigmatized, not victimized. And I understand that, right? Yeah. But it's really interesting to me to see that that is still in the year of our Lord, 2026. It's still so ingrained. What just tells me that, because I say this all the time, is that the long arm of colonialism is still with us. And it just, it makes me feel, I know the other day we were talking about how I don't ever feel bad for anybody, but actually I do. I do feel really sorry for people like that, that you are not able to look at yourself in the mirror and be happy with what it is that you see. And I'm not talking about whether you're too thin or too fat or you want to change your body, that's not what I mean. But like, you know, years ago, I had a friend of mine who was Filipino and she had said to me and she was engaged to an Italian guy and she had said to me that the idea of marrying another Filipino made her feel ill. And I just remember feeling again, really, really sorry for that. And she loved her parents and she loved her dad, but there was something about being with a white person that I think that made her feel is a status symbol and also what her kids would look like. That makes me so uncomfortable. Oh, so uncomfortable. And I just really wonder today, what is that about today? I do appreciate what it might have been like generations ago, but today. For me, it's like with self-loathing, it comes down to, it sounds like what we're talking about here is self-loathing of any sort of minority, right? Any sort. It's not just race. And so the world already in so many ways tells you that it doesn't like you when you're a person of color, when you're queer, whatever. So all of that is going to be happening in the world. The one thing you can control is whether or not you love yourself or whether or not you buy into it. And I think what I'm hearing is that like, a lot of these people are buying into it or these situations like people we know who are hiding their heritage or hiding where they come from or not talking about their family because they're ashamed that they're from a certain country. The queer context is mask gay men acting as masculine and straight as possible is still very coveted in the gay community. So you mean somebody who could pass for straight? Pass for straight acts like they're on the football team, looks like that. That is very much the ideal. And I have the same sort of raises my hackles because that is self-loathing of your queer identity or this notion that if you are too effeminate or if you are a sissy or if you are acting too gay, it's considered less than or you're not the ideal in the gay community. Do you think that that like so if somebody is more effeminate, let's say, are they somehow less desirable? That's pretty much usually what happens in the gay community. At least gay men. That is sort of like the same thing happens for lesbians, right? Like somebody who is sort of more mask as opposed to more feminine. Based off like my lesbian friends, I think that there is sort of like an equivalent of like a beautiful lipstick lesbian or someone who has very traditionally beautiful features, right? And what it comes down to for me is like everyone fucking hates us for so many reasons. Like why don't you just like love yourself? It's just this is the one thing you can control is how you feel about you. But I think that that's what it is, right? I think all of us, no matter where we are self-loathing or not, right? I think we are influenced by outside voices, right? It's also an affront to me when other gay people are like, well, he is too effeminate or not mask enough. That pisses me off. And I think it's the same for you where you see other black people who are like, oh, that person's too dark skinned or I want my kids to be light skinned. It's like, no, you're actually doing harm to other queer people and people of color's experiences because you are upholding this ideal, this colonial ideal. I do wonder though, again, because I think that that stuff is so deeply ingrained that I don't believe that unless you are able to have some distance from it, that people with that line of thinking believe that they are being harmful, right? But that's also why I won't engage with you. If you are a copy-paste chiseled up white dude footballer in a gay bar and you're not talking to other people or I hear comments like that, not that I won't talk to you, but if I hear comments like that where you are maintaining that status quo, get out of here. Kick rocks. I know. Do you not just grow up, but you work past it? Is that something that... I mean, and is it possible, right? Are you doomed to be this way forever? Well, I think you and I have worked past it, right? I have gotten past it for me. I gotta tell you, I never had that problem with myself. Like, do you know what I mean? There was never a moment where I wished for or aspired for whiteness or anything like that. I think my parents without... My parents never would have said anything about it, but because of the way that both of my parents held themselves and behaved, there was never a moment in my household, in my family where it was just like, you should really want to be with a white person or you should want to be white yourself. That was never... There were other things that I feel like my parents didn't do a great job on, but that's not one of them. And my brother and I were talking about this the other day about how much we both love Haiti so much. And it's because of the way my mom and dad talked about Haiti and how often we went as kids. You know what I mean? I think all that is very much experience-based. I am actually jealous of how you have a very close affinity to a country that's part of your identity. Maybe jealousy is a strong word, but I don't know really what that's like because I'm here and I'm constantly criticizing the country we're from, but I feel a very strong affinity to the city of New York. That is my identity. That is my... For sure. You know, it's so funny that you say that. But I was thinking about that the other day about American people. You don't feel... Because I have to tell you, just because... So just because I love being Haitian and I wouldn't be anything else doesn't mean that I do not have a lot of criticisms for Haiti and Haitian people. It doesn't mean that. So you don't think it's possible... Or you tell me, right, to feel very proud of being American and being so proud of being American that you want to do whatever it is that you can do to make sure that she's better than what she is. Right. Yeah, I think it is one of these things where it's so specific, right? For me to be a proud American is to try and force it to be better, right? And I don't know if that's the same that you feel for Haiti, right? I feel like a lot of your connection to Haiti is cultural, maybe not political. I don't know. I don't want to assign... Yeah, it is cultural and it is familial love. Yeah. You know, I have a fierce network of Haitians. I do. I do. Everything about every Haitian in New York. Unbelievable. And you can figure out of someone's Haitian if they're... I can. Quickly. Yeah, that one. That one right there. That one right there. Oh my God, she just pulled that. Actually, there's a mammary behind me. She figured it out. But yeah. But yeah. Reach out if you're hiding how Haitian you are because Melissa's going to find you. Don't hide. She'll figure it out. Don't hide from me. But as far as Haiti politically, I don't mind saying that I'm very disappointed. Oh yeah. Do you know what I mean? I'm super disappointed and it's... I'm disappointed because I know that they... We can do better, right? And anytime I go someplace else that's similar to Haiti, like another island, I'm always just like, wow, Haiti could be like this. Our food is so good. The music is so good. Our art is beautiful. The beaches are wonderful. There's no reason why we can't be just as good as Jamaica, Dominican Republic, Guadalupe. A tourist destination or whatever. Absolutely. 100%. Do you... Can we get into a deep dive about the Haitian politics? Could you talk about it? We could accept that. I fully admit that I am not as knowledgeable. So we'll research and then we'll do it. And maybe we can have somebody on. Okay. That would be fun. Yeah, yeah. Okay, let's get into an algorithm is showing because a lot of wicked and wild and crazy things have been happening in the world. Do you just random question? Yeah. Have you ever been on a cruise and do you like to go on cruises? Okay. I'm so glad you asked me that. I have never been on a cruise and have never had any desire to be on one way before anything. Ever. And let me tell you something. My parents loved cruises. Yeah. Andrei has been dying to get me on a cruise and I have never had any. And I said to him finally, I'm like, I'll do it for you, but not anymore. Not anymore. It's in your contract. I had them update it at exactly... I'm serious. You're not going on a cruise. We can't wrap up the show because you're stuck on a cruise. Well, anytime I've ever seen images of a cruise, first of all, all those people peen in that pool because you're peeing in the pool. You're peeing in the pool. It's peasy. You're getting drunk in your piss in yourself. Absolutely. There was a cruise ship documentary. It was called The Poop Cruise or something. It was like... Oh my God. Because everyone got sick. Everyone got rampant food poisoning. And I forget the name of the documentary. I came up on Netflix and I was like, I got to watch that. I got to save that for later and I never watched it. I'm good. And now people are whatever happened with the mice and the hantavirus, I don't want to know. So here's the thing about this virus is, here's my fear and my belief. So given what we all went through with COVID, do you imagine a scenario where if this really comes to pass that people will do what they did during COVID, they will lock down, they won't do it, especially now with this administration? No, not at all. They're not going to do anything. They're not going to do anything. You're coughing. I'm good. People are people. Was that a dry cough? It was. I just feel like people will just sort of crumple in the street because no one's going to stay home. I think so too. Everyone's just going to be like, well, let's turn the party because I didn't die last time. I didn't die last time. Let's hit the club. Meanwhile, this is a completely different thing. Yeah. It's going to be the 90s all over again in New York. What do you mean? People just partying, going crazy, going wild. Yeah, that's true. We did do that. Yeah, we did do that. Hell's Kitchen will be the dumps again. But I think I wonder though if gentrification has changed that because Hell's Kitchen is not Hell's Kitchen anymore. But Percival's Kitchen are still Hell's Kitchen. Are they still Hell's Kitchen? You can turn down the wrong street and it's like, uh-oh. Wrong, wrong. They're wrong streets in Hell's Kitchen still. You always find them on Alphabet City. Alphabet City, what is it? Avenue A, you're all right. Yeah. Avenue B, you're brave. Oh, really? There's a thing? Avenue C, you're crazy. Avenue D, you're dead. That's when I had hair, a hairdresser told me that. That's how long ago this was. I don't know when you had hair. And I was on Avenue B getting my hair cut. I don't know when you had hair. Yeah, you do. Yeah, it was great. It was like shoulder length. It was like 80s hair band. That's what he was. He was in sticks. Xanadu. I had the braid. Xanadu? I had a Xanadu braid across my forehead. Anyway, this ship has docked, I guess, or people are now being quarantined. Yeah. A couple of them are from New York. Hocus Pocus out there talking about how they're strong New Yorkers. And I'm like, that's great. They need to do it from afar. We need to... Don't be here. Right? Can't we crowdfund sending them supplies to the boat and let them quarantine on the boat? Why is everyone coming ashore suddenly? I mean, do they need medical assistance? Maybe. It could be that. A couple of people have died already and there are five confirmed cases, several additional suspected cases. I don't know. It's making me a little nervous. When I first heard about it, I was just like, oh, here we go. Here we go. And there's conspiracy theories that it's not real. Already. I heard a different one. What was the other conspiracy theory? That there's an Australian lab that where 100 vials of hantavirus were stolen two years ago and maybe that they created this new Andes. I'm sorry. The strain of it. They're robbing labs and stealing hint. Yeah. For some kind of... I'm sorry, if I'm robbing anyone, it's the Hermes store on Fifth Avenue. I'm not... Why would you rob a lab? I was talking to KP about that Hermes and she's so all into it. She's like... Well, so she and her boyfriend came over this weekend yesterday for Mother's Day and we did Mother's Day stuff because her mom is out of state. So she was asking me about my dream bag. I don't have a dream bag. Oh, okay. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Do you? Yeah. So does she. And she was analysis like... There are some things I care so little about and this is one of those things. Yeah. I don't care that much about it, but it's like your plastic surgery videos. There's something very satisfying about an unboxing video for me. I get so into it and when we're eventually in the hand of Iris lockdown, I'm going to watch a lot of them. Maybe I'll do some of my own. Some of my own unboxing. Maybe I'll start doing mukbangs. I've never seen a bag that I have felt like, God, I wish that I had the money to get this bag. Yeah. There are other things I feel that way about, but not... What do you feel that way about? Sometimes jewelry. Plastic surgery. Get this bag removed. I actually went to my plastic surgeon this weekend. You did? Last week. Tell me everything. I mean, so for anybody who doesn't know, it doesn't matter. So I have had a couple of procedures because of excessive weight loss. So I needed to have my stomach done, my arms done, I had my breast done, and I never got my thighs done. And I would like to do that. And while we're at it, I kind of want to get my boobs done again. So I went to him and he drew on me the way that they do. I don't want anything, but I do kind of want someone to draw me like that. And it does seem like the most fun. Everything else after that is excruciating pain. And that seems like the fun part. I mean, it was. And I like my doctor. He's really funny. He's cool. But he's not funny, but his dry humor. Do you know what I mean? And so when I say something funny, he looks at me like... I remember one time I said something to him and he was like... And he looked up at me and he was just like, oh, this is... You're making one of your jokes. Not laughing. But the nurse was in there and she was dying. And he was like doing something to me. And he looked at me and he was like... Making one of your jokes. Okay. Anyway. And I love people like that because I'm always trying to get people like that to laugh. And so... But he never has. I injured myself at one point and I asked Melissa, you know, what do I do? And the response I got was... Yes. I asked you about it. And you were like, well, why don't you just get these three procedures done? And you were like... I have no memory of this. Okay. It was a couple of years ago. And I remember... I remember being like... I'm such a bitch. I was like, hey, I got this issue. I'm really worried about it. And you were like, why don't you just get four surgeries? And I was like... I made this face that you were like, what are you talking about? And you were like, oh, sorry. You were like, I forget sometimes that not everyone throws themselves under the knife at the first inconvenience. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I come from a long line of people who don't mind going to the doctor. She's like, oh, I forgot that not everyone has a medical gurney in their living room. So when they can sit up with a motorized bed... Yeah. And I was like... I rented one of those chairs. No, you told me. I was like, I don't have a medical... I was like, I think I'll try physical therapy first. I rented the chair, but I needed it. I know you did. They sort of cut me open from... What is it, like a medical truss? What is that? No, no, no. It was a chair. It was a chair. So the chair because I couldn't... You can't sit up. You can't use your... You couldn't sit down, right? So the chair met me where I was. Get yourself a man who treats you like a medical chair. The chair met me where I was, but we all want to be met where we are. The chair met me where I was, and then I had a remote control and it slowly put me back where I needed to be. It was great. This is actually, that's what my therapist said to me this weekend was, find people that meet you where you are. I mean, I feel like that's a good... That's where it's at. And it ties into the self-loathing too. That's beautiful. And that's a beautiful full circle. Let's take a break. Okay, let's get into an under oath. I want to talk about, are you cool if we talk about JPMorgan Chase and this guy's lawsuit? Oh yeah. Have you followed this at all? A little bit. And so when I first saw it, the first thing that I thought about is years ago, right? Years ago, there was a book called Disclosure by Michael Crichton that was turned into a movie that starred Demi Moore and Michael Douglas. I think it's like... Interesting. Okay, I gotta watch this. And Demi Moore's character whose name all of a sudden, I'm remembering her name was Meredith and that's random shit that I remember. Isn't that weird? Yeah. Why am I like that? She can't remember to text me back. That's not true. I text you back all the time. He's such a dirty liar. And it was sort of similar to... It would just remind me of it because the Demi Moore character was harassing the Michael... She was. The Michael character. What was the public's reaction to that? Because what was this? When was this? This was a while ago. 1994, 1995. Yeah. I wonder if it was like... I don't know. I feel like back then, women harassing men, they were probably like, yeah. Well, no, I don't remember, but I get the feeling that they were just like, that could never happen. Do you know what I'm saying? I don't think there was a whole lot of... Nobody believed it because we were all really aware of men harassing women. Yes. The idea of a woman harassing a man was sort of like, there's no way. That's the first thing that I thought about when I saw this disclosure. Was disclosure. Okay. I read some of the stuff. Just a quick overview of the case for people who are totally unaware of what we're talking about. It has now become a meme where people are so... Sorry. So fucked up. That's not funny. So fucked up. So basically, this guy worked for J.P. Morgan as a banker, Chirayu Rana, and he filed a lawsuit accusing senior J.P. Morgan executive, Lorna Hajini, of turning him into a sex slave. So these are very serious allegations. And everyone was quite concerned, I think, when they dropped. It's a huge bank. The allegations were vivid. Hainas. Yes. She was roofing him, allegedly. There was... And some of the stuff that she says is like, some of the stuff that she is alleged to have said. Yes, she said. Correct. That, do you really think management wants some Indian boy leading organizations? That's disgust. Yeah. Do you know what I'm saying? And some of the other... If you don't fuck me soon, I'm going to rule. The others also, yes, they do want that. Don't they? We care about diversity. All the time. Yeah. Especially them. Yeah. You know, just... So I was reading this stuff and I was just like, oh my God, this is terrible. If you don't have sex with me tonight, I'm going to sabotage your promotion. I mean, that is... If you don't fuck me soon, I'm going to ruin you. That is like, it's like written by AI. If you don't fuck me soon, I'm going to ruin you. Never forget, I fucking own you. That really reads like not real. So this was entered in a lawsuit. It was... He accused her of drugging him with Rufi's and Viagra and threatening to slash his bonus if he didn't comply. These accusations were extreme. We've talked about this before. Sometimes people will do things or say things and then my response to it is not even the outrageous thing that you said or did, but it's more like the stupidity involved and how you got to where you are. It's not even the thing. It's like... So the idea that... This is the part that really got me. The crazy plot twist. I am so concerned at the amount of people who don't recognize that the stuff that you Google is there forever. It's there forever. It's there forever. Yeah. Casey Anthony. Right. It's there forever. So even if you delete it, you get rid of your cookies, it's... No, but it's there forever, right? So if you are looking up ways to kill your spouse or looking up ways to do X, Y, and Z... Do it on a friend's computer. Right. Go to the library. I don't know. Sorry. But I think I'm just really concerned at the amount of people who don't recognize that you won't be able to get away with it because they're going to do a deep dive and they're going to find out that you did this. For example, this man went to AskALawyerOnCall.com. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, no. And wrote all of these things. Yes. And basically lifted the stuff that he got from an AI chatbot and put it into this lawsuit. Correct. And again, it's almost like the people who are still falling for the Nigerian prince scam. Yes. Like, why are you still falling for this? And so it turns out that all of his claims were very much indefensible and quite spurious. I think people concluded none of this happened. She was like, I've never even managed him. And like JPMorgan Chase did a full investigation and they couldn't find any actual evidence that this happened. He was just going after a payday, basically? I think so. But JPMorgan Chase offered him a million dollars before the lawsuit blew up. They offered him a million dollars to make this go away and he turned it down. Again, and the thing is, is that here's the problem with stuff like this is that there will be a man who probably has been or will be harassed. Is currently being harassed. And is now afraid to come forward because of people like this. This is what makes me so upset is because I know that there will be somebody, if it hasn't happened already, and I'm sure that it has, who finds themselves in this position. And especially as a man who maybe is being harassed by a woman, right? Who would be afraid to come out and say that this is what's happening to him because of someone like this. And think about her as well, right? Because if there is nothing that she did wrong, and this is just someone's wild claims that they put into a lawsuit. But every time she's Googled. I saw a meme, someone was sitting with her across from her at lunch and took a photo and the caption was, first day at work, lunch with my manager. Oh, see, that's fucked up actually. Yeah, because it's like, okay, this is like her whole career. She maybe didn't even manage this guy. And now he was like wild and made up these claims and filed a lawsuit. If you want to sue your employer for harassment or discrimination after you're fired or while you're still working there, here's how you do it. Document everything. You need screenshots, you need text messages, you need emails, you need receipts. I always, people call me all the time and they're like, my boss did this crazy thing. I said, great, email yourself and copy your personal email address detailing what happened on that day. It will be time stamped. Like you said, Google history is forever. So is your emails. So email your personal account saying, Melissa said this to me on this day and it will be time stamped with the date. Correct. Even if you never use it, even 99% of the times you will never need it, but you will have a record of it. Even if you're just emailing yourself on your personal email account, you then have a receipt record of what happened. So the first thing a lawyer is going to ask you if you're going to try and sue your employer, how old are you? It's the first question, age discrimination, gender race, that's next, protected classes. And they're going to ask you for documentation, exactly what happened. They're going to try and fit it into a couple of different buckets. So one would be hostile work environment. So we've got an environment that you were just subjected to that was absolutely crazy, dangerous for your health. We need to be able to show that somehow. So that's through your whatever emails, your documentation. On this date, my boss screamed at me and said this. So I said, yeah, through a stapler, whatever it is. We know someone who threw a stapler. We do. That's why we're laughing. But duck, if someone's throwing a stapler. I'm just thinking about the person who threw the stapler. Pregnant silence. Anyway, a pregnant pause for the listeners. Dead air. May the dead air fill your lungs. So anyway, then you're going to want to another way you could probably see your employer is for discrimination or retribution. If you were fired or yeah. So you would want to be able to show that you were treated differently because of. Did he, I sort of stopped following after a little bit, but did he ever come up with any receipts at all? JPMorgan spokesperson said, following our investigation, we don't believe there's any merits to these claims while numerous employees cooperated that complainant refused to participate and declined to provide facts that would be central to supporting his allegations. I mean, his one receipt was his lifelong childhood friend who was staying at his apartment and claims that she came over to his apartment one night and sat next to him naked on a couch and asked if he wanted to have a threesome. But this is like his lifelong childhood friend who's corroborating his story. Okay. But this is verifiable. So this is surveillance footage. Let's get like her Uber account. Right. So like our phones tell us. I mean, if it's yeah, and if he lives, this is New York. Then we see her coming in and out. There's no way. There's a door man. There's something. You're on camera 5000 times a day in New York City. Like we can easily verify that. Yeah. Yeah. So. Did it just eventually go away? Her lawyer denies everything. Yeah. I feel like there was an article that was like this was not real. I think it was literally made up, but that was like the maybe that's like the public consensus. Right. He claimed that his father was dead or was dying and dead. I saw that. He did make up that his dad was dead. Meanwhile, somebody went to his dad's house and the dad was like, oh, he didn't tell us anything and he's a good boy. He's a good guy, my son, before closing the door. And here's the other thing about stuff like that, right? My dad would never say that. If you. He would. He'd be like, who? But this is the thing that just kills me about people and their stupidity, right? You're going to lie and you need someone to cooperate this story. Tell them. Tell them. If I want Michael to lie for me, I'm going to say to him, listen, I'm about to tell somebody that I was with you. Okay. Like you don't. And I answered the phone. She's an incredible employee. She was the best team member I've ever had. But do you know what I'm saying? Like if you're going to lie. Yeah. And you're going to need someone to help you clue them in. Yeah. Everyone has the friend who's the fake reference. Everyone has the friend who's the fake reference. I had a, this person wasn't my friend, but I had a colleague who was just like, listen, if you ever need a reference, just call me up. And they were like, it doesn't, we'll figure something out. And I was like, okay. I mean, I never had to use them, but I was like, but I, they're there. Oh, I love that. Yeah. I think that's one of the best ways you can be a resource. Yeah. I had a friend, I got a call from the employer as their reference. Never worked for me. It was for a dog groomer. Oh, wow. Fuck. Wow. You got to tip me off, babe. She didn't tell you. No. But I don't understand. But that's like, that's like lying 101. That's something Alyssa would do. No, she wouldn't. Oh, no. I'm going to stand up for my girl. She would never do that. That dizzy bitch wouldn't do that. No, no, no, no, no. She would, she would. She would. Wait, she texted me this weekend? Yeah. Is she back in the States? She was like, are you on your way? And I was like, where? Where are you? And she was like, literally the switch. She said, I'll pull it up. I'll read it. To the wedding in Venice. Oh. I invited you last week. You said you'd come. I was like, yeah, I was joking. I'm not going to Venice with you. I would have gone. Wouldn't that be fun? And I like weddings. I don't like Venice. Do you like that? I've never been to Venice. That's why I would have gone. It smells, it's hot. It smells? It's smell. Why? Is it because of the giant swallower? Yeah. Huh. I don't know. I feel like a bunch of Italians are going to get mad right now. But I actually think not that many Italians live in Venice anymore. It's like 90% transplants. Oh. Transplants ruin everything. Get them straight to camera. Get the bridge and tunnel crowd. Get them, girl. Like it's just like you, like when I lived in Flatbush, right? Yeah. There was this place. It was like a Jamaican barbecue place, right? And you can smell it, right? The jerk. The jerk barbecue. And then a bunch of transplants moved in with kids and whatever else. And they were just like, oh, it's too, it's too smoky. Just say white people. They were white. Yeah. Ass Brooklyn bitches. Yeah. Excuse me. And that place I had been there for 20 years, shut down. Because it was too smoky? Too smoky. It's like a literal smoked meat store. Yeah. But that's the thing. People move to places because they like the edginess. Sure. They like whatever it is. But then you move there and then you want to change it. Fuck that. Do you know what I'm saying? And that's why I say that transplants also make their rents go up really high. And now people can't afford anything. Now a closet in a crack house is $2 million. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, for sure. And that's because transplants have moved in. They don't make it better. They make it more expensive. Right. And they make it exclusive. And they make it so that the people who were native to the area can no longer afford to live there. And that is why transplants ruin everything. I went to Crown Heights to visit, not as a transplant. Thank you. I went to all the barbecues on the street and it smells so good. Yeah. It's right by my friend's apartment and I went and yeah. That's what I'm saying. That's good. So that's too bad about Venice, right? So now that people who historically had lived there feel like they've been pushed out by transplants. And tourists. The tourist situation in Venice is insane. Speaking of cruise ships, the cruise ships are rattling the foundation of the historic buildings. Is the Venice already sinking? Yeah. The Venice already struggle bus. Right, exactly. It's like yeah. And now the cruise ships are like so many cruise ships come in all the tourists. It's a nightmare. I still don't want to go on a cruise. It's like a giant floating Petri dish. I read something about all the garbage that is collected on the cruise ships. They drop it at port along the way and these countries don't have infrastructure to handle. They don't. All that trash. They don't. And so it ends up polluting the island, the cruise ship visits. All the food is not from the local community. And the food doesn't ever really look that good to me. And you're only spending money on the cruise ship. So you're never actually supporting the local community. And the other thing that's really interesting, we're going to circle back to Haiti. And it's not just Haiti, but a lot of countries in the island have sold portions of their country to the cruise ships. So that now, like so for example in Haiti, Labadi no longer belongs to Labadi, no longer belongs to Haiti, but it belongs to royal Caribbean or something like that. And it's not forever, but it's for a really long time. It'll be for like 80 years or something like that. So like you're not actually supporting the people of the area because that country has sold colonialism. If you're a cruise ship, go fuck yourself. I hate cruise ships. Have you ever been on a cruise? Yes. Did you hate it? Yes. And I was like a kid. I remember being like, this is dumb. And I remember being like... As a kid, what did you not like about it? Being trapped. I'm a gay kid. I'm a gay kid. I'm already trying to survive. And now you're locking me on a boat with all these fucking breeders. They're disgusting. Including your parents? And I remember, and I wasn't that bougie. I remember being in that pool being like, this is gross. Oh, that is sickening to even look at. Yes. It is soup. It's a pee-pooh soup. And I swim in the New York City YMCA is like on a swim team and that shit is nicer and cleaner than your nasty-ass cruise ship. If you're a cruise ship, get fucked. That's my message for you. I hate you. Well, I guess we're not going to get any brand deals from any cruise ships. And I don't want it. I'd rather be on the bread line than take your dirty cruise ship money. Shub it. Okay. Let's take a break. Let's take a break. All the scruples that Michael has. Suddenly he has scruples. He's so scrupulous all of a sudden. Let's take a break. I'm mad as hell. Oh, why? I hate cruise ships. Okay. There's no redeeming quality about a cruise ship. If you support cruise ships, I don't like you. Wow, Michael. Yeah. This is, I'm taking a stand. I see. Someone finally had to do it. This is my Norm Array Union eyes. This is my, I took so many Anaheist meets today. I feel crazy. Are you floating? I am. I am Jupiter. Welcome back to brief recess. This is tells from the DMs. Don't message me if you're a cruise ship. They wanted me to do stand up. I made a tech talk about it and they wanted me to do stand up. But you're not a stand up. I'm not a, I'm not a stand up. I mean, I think you're a funny guy. I think, oh my God. I do. Oh my God. But I mean, you make me laugh. But yeah. We make each other laugh. I don't have a set. Do you think you could do it? I could not. But could you? Do stand up or cruise ship? Stand up. I'm opening, I'm opening. What is it called CJ? I think it's called rat scraps. It's a UCB improv show that I'm going to open this coming Sunday actually. So this is Thursday, come on Sunday. If you want to see me in an improv show, there are actual improvisers, not just me. So don't worry. I'm going to do like monologues. Like they're going to ask me questions. It'll be like this, like a Q and A. I think. Okay. I'll just stop the stories that I tell. But it'll have actual improvisers. I think Jeff Hiller is going to be there. I think like real, real actors who know how to do that. Not me. Little old me. But no, I don't think I could just stand up. Okay. I would never. Okay. So these are tales from the DMs. And what do I always say friends? While Michael is a lawyer, he's not your lawyer. So find someone else. Okay. These are. Okay. These are just, let's just some quick comments because some of these comments are really funny. They are. From the fake assassination attempt episode. I haven't heard a lot about that fake assassination after it happened. No. No. It's almost like it was fake. Sydney JTF says, my mom's meth recipe is a bottle of Merlot. Why? I love that so much. Okay. This was like my, my favorite one actually from the, so Swedish, Latina. Who facts checks our GFX on YouTube that said, slutspert not slutspert. Slutspert, it's two words guys. Okay. It's two words. I'm sorry. We didn't know that. We didn't know that. We didn't know that. Slutshamed the slutsperts. All right. Someone wrote in and said, they're listening to the episode talking about limitations on murder. No statute limitations, right? That's why we have America's Most Wanted. Right. Right. They're wanted forever for murder. So, ICE agents could get charged with a different administration. Yes, that's true. My question is, might it be better to wait until then so that Trump can't commute any sentences given to an ICE agent for murder they've committed? Yes. That's absolutely true. You nailed it. I will say that the charges that are hitting, Trump commutes sentences. That's what presidents do or they pardon sentences. Right. Not charges. So, charges are what they hit you with. It's a charging document. It is. It's usually, you get charged with like 20 things if you commit a crime and then you plea out certain ones. Some charges are dropped. You argue certain ones in court and pre-trial hearings. So, we've got what? Two and a half, three years left on his term by the time. Renee Good's murderer or Alex Preny's murderer or any ICE officers who committed homicide while serving as an ICE officer, he would not be able to do like blanket immunity for them before he left office. It would have to be the sentence that he would commute. So, that is my understanding of it. And those folks are being charged in state court. So, that's sort of what's happening. What the feds can do, what Trump can do is sort of do anything to hinder the investigation. Right? So, they're tainting evidence. They're not turning anything over. Just completely trying to hamstring the prosecution is my understanding of those cases. I wonder if we're just going to spend the, not the rest of our lives, but like just administration after administration, just undoing the things that the previous administration did before. Do you know what I mean? And it feels like, and while you definitely want justice for people, but it feels like we're doing and undoing things all the time. Yes. You know what I mean? Yeah. Sometimes it's a bunch of steps back. That's why with antivirus, I'm like, are we going to learn from any of our mistakes? We don't learn anything. No. We really, really don't. They're like, let them off the boat. Yeah. Let them off. Let them off. Who cares? Let them off that ship. Yeah. Yeah. Do you want to read the next one? Hi, Michael and Melissa. I'm starting law school in the fall and there's so much noise with my peers in the schools that I tour about big law or bus and how I'm going to regret it if I pursue criminal law or public interest work. My question is how in the various stages of your careers, you've balanced giving of yourself and serving the causes that you value with taking care of yourself and your own needs. All right. Let's pause there because that's a big question. This is such a great question. I love this so much. I never went the big law route. I never worked at a big law firm. Basically for those who don't know, in law school, you start to campaign to get these high paying jobs in corporate law. A lot of people do them and it's very sparkly and they come and woo you and you've got to be at the top of the class. For me, the way I always tell people when they ask me, should I go into big law and make a bunch of money? Should I do public interest work? My advice is always figure out what works for you and this is for any career really. Figure out what is going to motivate you to get out of bed every day because you're going to have to get out of bed every day and it's going to suck sometimes. Be able to look at yourself in the mirror is what I say. I have a lot of friends who went into big law and a lot of friends who burned out, hated it, went on a couple years after big law, went on big, finding myself trips around Asia. You know when people are starting to give the blink twice if you need help sort of face. I do. It's a grind and I think a lot of people go into those careers because they're like, I'm just going to make a bucket of money, sell my soul, get out and then do what I want. There are no guarantees in life. There are none. There's no guarantees that you will live to be 100. What happens if after those two years you find out that there are no other jobs for you to go to that or if there's a change circumstance, stance in your life or whatever it is, it's such a cliche like live every day, whatever. But it is kind of that sentiment. Okay, if you are going to quote sell out, I'm not really committing to that term, but if you are going to do something you know you're going to hate and not want to do just for the money, just know that that is valuable precious time in your life that you're taking and setting aside knowing you're not going to like it. I always really couldn't grapple with that and I was also privileged enough to not have to make that choice. You need to ask yourself if you can live with whatever it is that you're doing. I was not a lawyer. I was a paralegal and it's very different. However, I was a paralegal in big law firms and I was desperately unhappy. I was sick all the time. My hair was falling out. It was a lot of pressure. As a paralegal, if that's the feeling that I had, I feel like for associates it's like tenfold, if not more. Also there was a point where I was working on cases where I felt like I was doing the wrong thing for the wrong people. It wasn't illegal, but it was sort of crushing the little guy. It was a lot of pressure. This company had so much money behind them, they were able to outspend this other person. Usually what would happen was that other person would give up, not because they were wrong, but because they had to run out of money. That was almost the goal. Wait out the clock. Wait them out because they're not going to be able to outspend us. Paralegal, I realized that this is not what I want to do. I want to help people. You're causing harm. It felt like I was causing harm. That is why I decided not to do that. Not that people who are on social media are always telling us the truth, but every now and then I will fall on an attorney who's working in big law and they're talking about a day in the life. I've seen those. These are people who are getting to work at, say, 9 o'clock. They're not leaving me office until 8, 9 o'clock. They're getting home. They're working until 2 o'clock in the morning and then they're going back into the office the next day. Do you want to live your life like that? Yeah, even if it's just for a couple years. Do you truly ask yourself that? Is that what you want to do? Are the golden handcuffs, is that enough? Maybe it is. No judgment. No judgment. If that's okay with you, then that's okay with you and it's fine. If you are concerned at all about the quality of your life, do you want to be able to shut it off when you get home or not? Do you want to have a family? Do you want to be in a relationship? Do you want to go on vacation and leave it behind? I think that these are questions that people should ask themselves. For me, I'm like, I want to have fun at work. I know that's such a weird way to approach it, but I'm like, what I'm doing, I need to be having some fun. That's how I'm approaching everything now. I'm writing a motion right now. I'm having so much fun writing it. I'm eating these bitches up. Fork, knife, no crumbs. Gobble, gobble, honey. Miss Thanksgiving dinner. I'm eating them up and it's so like, it truly, I can't wait to go home tonight. I'm going to be in bed. I'm going to have a sheet mask on and I will be giggling to myself. I'm not. I'm serious. I know. I'm laughing because. I'm cheese whitening trays in. I know that that's you. That's why I'm laughing. I'm going to be cackling in bed while Brad will be in the other room like, what is he watching? I'm watching myself, babe. I'm watching myself eat them up. Let me ask you a question. When you were in law school, you never did a summer associate chip? No. Oh, I interned for like a law firm, but it wasn't a big law. Okay. Big law associate thing. That's like a whole. You didn't do that. No. No. No. This is so horrifying. No interest, nothing. I was, I didn't know what it was. And so it just never went out for it. I just wasn't really paying attention. Okay. And so, and so it was happening and people were talking about it and I was like, huh, wonder what that is. Anyway, should we get a hot dog for lunch? Like I just wasn't, nothing was really registering. So. I mean, you, you weren't interested. I wasn't interested. It didn't sound interesting. It's like, like that, the drugs for me, right? It's not, it's like, I knew, I just didn't care. Yeah. It wasn't, do you know what I'm saying? Like it's like, oh, I'm not interested in that particular thing. Um. Anyway, thank you for sending in your question. That was really sweet. Oh, and she also wrote that she hooked her mom on this podcast this week and then we drove around for hours touring law schools and oh my God, I now have one straight fan. Just one. Thank you so much. Have fun touring law schools. Good luck. DM me. Let us know, let us know where you get in and what you want to do. We're legitimately interested. I love that. All right. Thank you so much. This has been Tales from the DMs. Thank you for listening to brief recess. I'll see you in court or I'll name you in that motion. He's petty enough to do it. This has been an exactly right production recorded at I Heart Studios, hosted by me, Michael Foote and me, Melissa Malbrunch. Our producer is CJ Ferroni. This episode was edited by Nicholas Gallucci. Our associate producer is Christina Chamberlain and our guest booker is Patrick Cottner. Our theme song was composed by Tom Brifogel with artwork from Charlotte Delirio and Vanessa Lylak with photography by Brad Obono. Reef recess is executive produced by Karen Kilgariff, Georgia Heartstark and Danielle Cramer. You can find me on Instagram at Department of Redundancy Department or on TikTok at Michael Foote. And I'm on both Instagram and TikTok as Melissa Malbrunch. Got legal questions? Reach out at briefrecess at exactlyrightmedia.com. Listen to brief recess on the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. And of course, we're a podcast with video. Search for brief recess on YouTube.