-♪ The World's Best Music Plays Welcome, everybody, in here, out there, all around the world to the late show. I'm your host, Stephen Colbert. Let's, uh... What do we got? Oh, I know. First of all, happy Earth Day to all who celebrate. I, uh... I do. I celebrate Earth Day. I grew up on Earth. Uh... Technically, I still live on Earth, but just for tax purposes. Um... Half the year I live on a moon base with Conan O'Brien. That's why he's so tall. This year, there's some positive Earth news out there, which is nice. Recent studies have found that rainforests can recover from deforestation in mere decades, which I'm told is not news to anyone who's ever gotten a Brazilian. -♪ Earth Day music plays Speaking... -♪ Earth Day music plays Speaking of Brazil, uh... Iran. Uh... Share a lot of the same letters. Yesterday, Trump announced that he was extending a ceasefire between the United States and Iran hours before it was set to expire. This time, he did not specify an end date. Huh. You know what? I am beginning to think this war might not be over by Memorial Day. Which, uh... Which reminds me, hold on one second. Okay. Let me just... Let me assign this box here. FedEx2abc... Care of Jim E. Kimmel... Hollywood. Enjoy, buddy. Comment to it. Can we get this in the mail? Get that in the mail? There we go. Whoo! Whoo! Now, mere hours after Trump's ceasefire extension, Iran sees two ships in the Strait of Hormuz, which leads us to the segment that will follow me to my grave. Hormuz news you can use. Iran takes twos. We in deep doodoo's. The captured ships were two cargo vessels named the MSC Francesca and the Epaminandas, which is actually how I pronounce empanadas after a night of drinking. Oh, let's get some Epaminandas. Siri. Siri, Epaminandas near me. Epaminandas with the green sauce. And she's calling 911 again. One Iranian official explained Trump's ceasefire extension means nothing, adding the losing side cannot dictate terms. Hey! Hey, buddy, we're America. We don't lose wars. We just leave them. Now, Trump was not happy about Iran giving him the Middle East finger. So last night, he rage posted, Iran doesn't want the Strait of Hormuz closed. They want it open so they can make $500 million a day which is therefore what they're losing if it is closed. They only say they want it closed because I have totally blockaded closed. So they merely want to save face. Sounds like someone just learned what the word blockaded means. He continued, Iran, a country, wants to save face thing over your skull, which is why they're being stupid dumb, but they will soon be filled with regret. I don't know that one. No, you know, with no clear exit for the U.S., it's no surprise that according to several U.S. officials, the president wants out of the increasingly unpopular war. In fact, two-thirds of Americans disapprove of Trump's handling of the war with Iran according to a new NBC News decision desk poll powered by SurveyMonkey. And I'm being told we have footage of that survey in progress. Guys, that's good work. He does very good work. By the way, I hear SurveyMonkey has an on-again-off-again thing with MailChimp. In response to his sinking poll numbers, today Trump posted a New York Times article praising the apprentices' ratings from April of 2004. Always tip off that life isn't going great for you when you start to brag about something from 22 years ago. You kids think Dad's a loser. Well, have you know the back in high school? I once won two free tickets to see the spin doctors in Anaheim at the Grove. This conflict needs to end soon, please, because reportedly the world's top condom maker is set to raise prices due to the Iran War. Forget the Strait of Hormuz. Now this war has come to Poundtown. The brand in question is called Carex. I know Durex. Carex sounds like the knockoff condoms you found at the dollar store. The guy says they're the same. By the way, are you allergic to vinyl-citing? May contain traces of gypsum. Here's what's going on, y'all. The war in Iran has made Carex's raw materials more expensive, so they plan to raise prices by 20 to 30 percent. Well, we're just going to have to find alternatives to condoms. You know? There's plenty. I remember back in health class, you could use a banana peel. I think that's what they said. I know there was a banana on the teacher's desk. I was pretty high. I ate the banana. Carex also supplies prophylactics to global aid programs run by the United Nations. Ah, yes, United Nations brand condoms. You know their slogan. You are the fun. Speaking of condoms, several Finnish Air Force pilots were disciplined for drawing male genitalia in the sky using their flight patterns. Let's take a look. Okay, okay, I see it. Wow, that's great work. Oh, wow. We got a top gun there. And one more. Okay. I have notes on that one. Because this looks less like a penis and more a pair of scissors or maybe a cute, skinny mouse. If your penis looks like this, consult a doctor or an exterminator. You should not have a tail. In other weenie news, there's an update on FBI director Cash Patel seen here smelling what he dealt. Last week, the Atlantic published a bombshell article that alleges Patel gets drunk and passes out at work. On Monday, he sued the Atlantic for defamation and yesterday, he had a chance to defend himself. Can you say definitively that you have not been intoxicated or absent during your tenure as FBI director? I can say unequivocally that I never listen to the fake news mafia. And as when they get louder, it just means I'm doing my job. Uh, that's not a no? Sir? Sir, have you been drinking tonight? Officer, I can say unequivocally that I am just on the way to pick up my epimenondas. Order Siri. Siri, drive car. By the way, this isn't the first time Patel has had to try to go after someone for saying he parties too hard. Last year, he sued a former FBI official who claimed he had been visible at nightclubs far more than he had been at the bureau's headquarters. That's ridiculous. I mean, he might have been at nightclubs, but there's no way he's visible. The guy's not tall enough to see over the bar. One acorn cap full of alcohol, please. Collie, that's a lot. Someone should really take away the keys to my snail. Patel was also asked about an incident described in the same Atlantic article where he couldn't log into his FBI computer and he panicked thinking that it meant he had been fired. Can you explain the computer login issue? Just explain the computer login issue. You were not able to log into the... Your lawsuit contends that you were not able to log into the system. What did you think after you were unable to log into the system? Let's have a survey. How many of you people believe that's true? Go on. I've answered your question. It's simply as follows. I was never locked out of my systems. Anybody who says... The lawsuit says the opposite. Anyone that says the opposite is lying. Thank you. Okay. So, Cash says that anyone who says that Cash was locked out of Cash's FBI computer is lying, but the reporter points out that in Cash's own lawsuit, Cash says Cash was locked out of Cash's FBI computer. So Cash is lying that the reporter is lying about Cash, which means, hold on, he has to leave the grain with the fox before he can go get drunk with the chicken. We got a great show for you tonight. More late show pawn show after this. Folks, in case you're not aware, the network has canceled the show. And, um... And of course, that boo is just our audience honoring CBS's hit show, Ghosts. Boo. I believe the motto is boo, right? It's boo. So we're going to have to leave the beautiful Ed Sullivan Theater, and more importantly, all the beautiful stuff in it, which legally is property of the network, but they're not really paying attention to us at this point. So instead, we're harnessing the power and style of home shopping to sell it all and donate the proceeds to charity. This is late show home shopping, canceled clearance sale. Bye-bye, bye. Welcome to the shop. Tonight, we are selling items that will make your friends say, wow, and your accountant say, why? Everything you see here, plus more, is up for auction on our website, ColbertLateShow.com slash eBay, or use this QR code. QR codes, you know their slogan. The thing that makes your dad say, can I please just get a real menu? Go bid on these items, folks, and the proceeds will go to the charity of my choice, which is Jose Andres' World Central Kitchen. And joining me... Joining me tonight, as always, please welcome my co-host, John Stewart. Maybe... Oh, my goodness. Look at that. Please. Please have a seat. John, thanks so much for being here. Always, Stephen. I came as soon as I heard about your cancellation. That happened nine months ago, John. Uh, what day of the week was it? Uh, it was on a Thursday. Ah, I only pay attention to news on Mondays. My mistake. Now, let's sell some great items for a great cause. Let's do it. This is the piece of decor. It's the red carpet our guests walk on to enter the Late Show stage. Yes. Yes. Before our guests can enter... Before our guests can enter, they first have to walk down this carpet and stand on the little gold star at the end, waiting for Stephen to call their name. It's part of the sick head games he plays to make himself... Feel important. Busted. This gorgeous carpet has welcomed countless guests to the Late Show, like presidential candidates, American icons, and the crew of trained cats called the Amazing Acro Cats, which means you're going to want to clean it, because the Acro Cats also sprinkled some acro pee. Now, John, what would you pay for an incredible item like this? What would I pay? I mean, it's a lot. I mean, with the cats and all... Yes. I'm going to say $40 to $50 million. That's what I would pay. Great guess, John, but as always, wrong. In order, in honor, or in order, of my favorite guest that I've ever had on the show, we are starting the bidding at just $0.50. Well, to make this red carpet even better, I'm going to be throwing in my own... celebrity rug. Yes, ladies and gentlemen. You can get... That's right. But you can get the wig I wore during the first season of The Daily Show. And as you can tell from looking at it, time is a mother-f***er. Yes. A cruel, cruel mistress, John. It really is just the worst. Up next, we have an item so rare, basically no one even knew it existed. You can put the head away. No one knew it existed until this very moment. It is a prop certificate I had made for a joke when I hosted the 2006 White House Correspondent Center 20 years ago this month. 20 years ago this month? It was part of the only joke, and this is true, the only joke I cut on the fly while I was up at the podium. You see, George W. Bush had just given out a lot of medals of freedom to a bunch of the staff who were overseeing Iraq, and it wasn't going well. And I mentioned that he gives out these medals of freedom, like candy, but nobody gives him anything, and that ended tonight. So I was going to give him the highest honor a citizen can give a president, this certificate of presidency that reads, from Stephen Colbert to George W. Bush in recognition that you are president of the United States. I even signed it and dated it. There you go. Fantastic, yeah. My plan was to hand this to George W. Bush and say, why don't you give this to your mom, she could put it on the refrigerator or something. Oh, that's such a lovely gesture. I can't remember why didn't you do that? Well, John, I'm not sure if you are familiar with that speech, but by the end the vibes were a little tense. So I decided to not do that joke, which means I still have this item, and it's now perfect for anyone out there who was a fan of my 2006 Correspondent's Dinner speech or of George W. Bush or somehow of both. Where? That's a bend-iron. It's barely touched. You know what? That is gorgeous. And to make this even better, I'm going to throw in my own certificate. This is very exciting news. I've never, before given this, for all the people who have mixed up my name over the years, it's the certificate that says, I hereby declare that you are right, my name is actually John Daly. You were not wrong when you said it that way, and it was not embarrassing at all. And that's signed John Stewart, and then of course, Leibowitz at the end, was dropped so that people don't know, I'm a Jew. Wow, John. I had no idea. No one does. No one knew. They can't tell at all. I thought you were a defrocked priest. John, that is going to make someone very happy and or very confused. Last and also largest, folks, we are selling off the giant sign from the top of our set that reads, The Late Show With. Buy this and, like me, you could have The Late Show hanging over your head for the rest of your life. And by the way, that's not enough. I am also going to throw in, and this is very exciting news, because it's a wonderful sign, a limited edition Daily Show mug that I have signed. Wow. That's what I'm doing. I'm not generous. Wow, John, how much would you pay for all these incredible items together? And before you answer, let me just take a sip of water. Yes. Oh, yeah. No, I was... Yes, sir. So, well, you would get the giant sign, standard size mug, which is... I don't know, like, 20 bucks. APPLAUSE Right here. Very hard not to. Very hard not to. I'll take it. I'll take it. I'll take it. I'll take it. Very hard not to. Very hard not to. I understand. John, there's no way we can start bidding that high. Well, Stephen, what would you like to start the bidding at before you tell me? Do you mind if I take a sip of water? Not at all, John. John, you get the big sign, the Daily Show mug, and I will throw in the Late Show mug I just used for that spit take, and we are starting bidding at just $19.99. APPLAUSE APPLAUSE APPLAUSE APPLAUSE APPLAUSE APPLAUSE APPLAUSE If I may, that is actually tremendous value. Thank you, John. To bid on these great items and more, head to ColbertLateShow.com slash eBay, where you can also buy our commemorative The Last Show t-shirts. APPLAUSE What? What? Wait, what? APPLAUSE What? There are t-shirts? Oh, my f***ing god! I can't believe it! I can't believe it! APPLAUSE Yes, John. Yes, John, there are t-shirts that are very absorbent. We'll be right back. We'll keep going, John. Coming up, Neil DeGrasse Tayson. APPLAUSE Welcome. Ladies and gentlemen, my first guest tonight is a Navy veteran, former mayor of South Bend, Indiana and former presidential candidate who served four years as the United States Secretary of Transportation. Please welcome back to The Late Show, Secretary Pete Buttigieg. APPLAUSE APPLAUSE Nice to see you. Same here. APPLAUSE Wow. There you go. People are excited for Pete Buttigieg. APPLAUSE APPLAUSE Nice to see you again. Good to be back. I'm so happy to be here. The first time you and I spoke was seven years ago. Look at these young fellas. That's... Free 2020. That's free COVID. APPLAUSE A lot can change in seven years. You got two kids, you got the beard, you got a little salt and pepper over there. But having been in an administration, I know you're the service mayor, you're the president. What is your view of American politics seven years later? Well, I believe a lot of the things that I believed then. But I think my experience has made me... I feel that I'm a moderate, ideologically, but it's kind of radicalized me about the condition of our institutions. That there are things that we just accept that are totally unacceptable, that need more attention. Like, if fixing money in politics is not the only way we act as a constraint on the presidency, or any of the other reforms we need, if that takes a constitutional amendment, let's do a constitutional amendment. Let's build the case for that right now. And there's a whole set of things like that in our economy, our society, our politics, that we act as if they're sustainable and they're clearly not. And as much as I believed in reform seven years ago, right now I believe more than ever when folks are paying, Jeff Fuehl is doubled, diesel is up, because the president starts a war that he thinks there's no accountability for, Congress can't do anything, or won't do anything, even though they have war powers, theoretically. All of these things are happening because you have a president who's unaccountable because we have a system that desperately needs reform. And as we're coming up on the 250th anniversary of our country, it's not enough to just assume that these systems are going to keep working. My warning to my own party is to avoid the temptation that we can just somehow take power and put everything back the way it was. The way it was wasn't working either. The way it was led to the way it is now. Exactly. All of that has really got to change. Okay, well, okay. I mean, I think one of the things that needs to change is the United States Senate, how it's run, how people are elected, all that kind of stuff. It's a highly anti-democratic institution that's part of the reasons why we're in the mess we are right now. But you decided not to run for Senate in Michigan, even though it was the seat opening up and you were a really good candidate for that. Is there some other office that appeals to you on any level to have a president? And I realize it's way too early. And I admit, I admit, I admit, I admit, I realize this is way too early to be talking about running for president in 2028, but I go off the air in four weeks. So, why don't we just do this? We won't roll on this. We'll just, you just say, yes, I am running for president, or yes, I'm not running for president. And we'll just roll that in once you announce and say we got an exclusive here, and no one here will tell anyone what you said. Is it fair? You're on your honor. You're on your honor. Don't you think that'd be bad luck, though, to go there? Well, yes. Does it appeal to you at all? I mean, look, obviously, I ran for that office once. So, what I'd say now, obviously I'm a ways away from being able to make a decision like that, make news like that. But is the decision you need to make? Your words. Your words, sir. Sure. Okay. I mean, the thing is, either way, I know what to do with myself right now. What's that? I think it's very useful to make stuff useful to candidates and causes that I believe in. We talked about the last time you were here. You were looking for a way to make stuff useful. And what I found is that I can do that by going into places where a lot of Democrats don't go. Some of that is my unexpected specialty of going on Fox News and going into conservative outlets. Always pleasure. But you were down in Georgia, Oklahoma. Yeah, I was going to say, there's a geographic version of this, too. We were in Georgia. We were in Marjorie Taylor Green's district. This is one of the most conservative districts in America. We have 500 people come out in Rome, Georgia to support a candidate who, for Congress, Sean Harris, who wound up overperforming by 25 points. It was the biggest jump yet in how much people were supporting Democrats. We were just in Tulsa, Oklahoma, just a few days ago. We had a town hall. Almost 2,000 people showed up. Yeah, I caught a lot of that town hall. It was great. It really was great. What do you think you're learning and what do you think they're learning by having you go into some place where you can get a little bit of a better understanding of what's going on in the country? Well, first of all, how much support there is and how much energy there is and the fact that there is a powerful American majority for change and for the things we believe in. Because right now, you got this administration that's created the illusion that their positions are supported by most Americans, and it's just not true. Most Americans agree that we should be taxing the wealthy more, not giving giant tax cuts to billionaires. Most Americans think it is nuts that we're being told we can't have nice things like rural hospitals and good roads and fully funded public schools at the same time that you got billionaires paying a lower tax rate than the nurses in those hospitals and the workers who work on those roads and the teachers who teach in those schools. Most Americans agree with us that the government should be doing more and not less to make sure that you can get health care and that you can get the government to support it. That means expanding Medicaid and expanding the Affordable Care Act, not tearing it down. Most Americans think this war is a terrible idea. And it turns out that's not just true in New York, that's true across the country. You went to war. You served in Afghanistan. And I'm just curious, as someone who served in combat, when you see this war in Iran, what do you wish about sending our troops into a war in the Middle East? I just remember the feeling of being on that plane, going into Afghanistan, praying that the people who sent me there knew what they were doing. And now you got a war, a shooting war, where Americans have lost their lives and everyone is feeling some kind of impact, because more hydrates are higher and gas is more expensive. And it feels like the president's just making this up as he goes along. The greatest responsibility that a president can have is to commit troops to go into war. And yet, he's doing it with no regard for their well-being, with no regard for what's going to happen, with no plan for what happens next. And if there's one thing we've learned just in my lifetime, it is that you don't go into a war in the Middle East if you don't know what you're doing, unless you have no alternative. We have to take a quick break. Right back with more Pete Buttigieg everybody. MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC Hey, everybody. We're back with Secretary Pete Buttigieg. I want to go back to your freshman year at Harvard. We've got an old clip here. It's you at Harvard in 2001 asking a panel if 9-11 will change the way Americans view their role in the world. Are we likely to see now for the average American a greater respect for international institutions, a better sensitivity for international affairs, an understanding of the way everything is connected, or can we expect to go international just long enough for our international war effort and then just pull right back into where the U.S. is what we worry about and the rest of the world is just that. APPLAUSE Fantastic question. A great question for anyone, let alone a freshman who eventually got into Harvard at age 13. LAUGHTER 25 years later how do you view America's role in the world? Diminished, sadly. I mean, when I was a student it was just understood that the U.S. was the leading nation in the world. Not just the biggest, not just the richest, not just the most powerful, but the country that people looked to. Because of our values as well as because of our strength. And now, under Donald Trump there are, by some measures, more people around the world who trust China to do the right thing than the United States. That should bother every patriotic American. Because the reality is when you trust the United States that affects us. You don't have to be a foreign policy buff to be concerned about that or to be affected by that. That affects everything from our security as a country to the prices we pay at the store. And it will take a generation to establish the credibility and the trust that the U.S. had, it almost seemed by right back when I was a student showing up for freshman year. Well, Mr. Secretary, thank you so much for being here. Thanks for having me on. Good luck on the decision. Secretary Pete Buttigieg, everybody. Thank you for listening to the Late Show Pod Show with Stephen Colbert. Just one more thing, if you want to see more of me come to the Late Show YouTube channel for more clips and exclusives. We'll see you next time.
