Ep 586 - Shift Work (feat. Nate Marshall)

Wow Wow West hey Hey, hey, how's it going good man just chilling I'm usually I'm a little tired. I'm Got a nice little nap, but today thanks to my extension Yeah, there's little gap in the schedule is nice I was all I was all I was I was sleepy today, too I did not get good sleep last night. Yeah, I was out doing stand-up so I couldn't fall asleep So I was just back to the audiobook Bible before bedtime, which is a nice bedtime read by the way one Jacob and Esau right now What's the book the Bible ever here? You didn't know who Christiana Ronaldo was yeah, that's why I really did Kind of I told you I feel good about not knowing that why? Can we like like investigate why you feel good about that? Kind of feels like the way you already explained like it's like not no no LeBron or something that just kind of You're saying you're saying you're different. I've got different Doing well, I thought you'd be I thought you'd be less My voice is gonna go halfway that's cuz you've been even going too fast young man. No Slow down you introduce us to the purple drinks. Oh, we were at that bar I didn't touch one of those drinks at Lafitte. It's it's in New Orleans. It's just another that's a new Orleans fucking Dacri type. I don't know how to just an icy sugary liquor thing. Those things will get you. Yeah, it's called purple drank. So Yeah, so I would Like flies on shit They said they even misspelled drink on the cup Me Cuz I was I was like shit in the green I was telling about he was like I'm still shit in the angry. That's all right. So it is the purple drink It's not yeah, I'm not dying dude. Well, I I eat candy is a similar trap for me a long time ago, but I ate this candy from hot topic Yeah So I man's drink I was a teenager in hot topic and they sold this like neon weird candy shit And I I remember ate it and I got like scared. I was dying shit I had plate. It was coming out of my butt. Did you know you came with So you stayed Sunday? Yeah, we say you guys must have been that was sucked so I sold them Sunday I flew in at 5 p.m. Sunday. I saw Nate. I was like going to the hotel. I look in the window I see the bar. I see Nate at the bar. I'm like, oh, we're gonna say hi to Nate. I'm like, what's up, Nate? Skankfax day four is Fucking hell that that day I had went to bed with the son up and then when I finally came out the hotel It was dark again. Like it was an evil day. He was on some vamp shit I saw him at the bar and I he was like Jesus man, where are the others? He was chalky dude, I saw him he was Yeah, I had nothing I was I was trying to rally. I was trying to Go bump into someone at a bar you're like, oh, what are you doing here? Stuff Island boys will hit you with one of those Seeming a bar there like I've been out for eight hours. Jesus Christ It's 4 p.m. Yeah, Nate wasn't drunk. He was just viciously hungover. Yeah, I think I think going here the dog Yeah, one and I didn't even finish it. I couldn't I was like, I'm not ready yet I waited till I got to the venue Tomato growl world. Yeah Squat squad was fucking in rough shape. I got I got there at a big stand-up show. It's gang festival You guys anyone do some time? No I mean, geez guys Friday was great. Yeah, Saturday half energy Sunday must have been Sunday was chill. It was definitely chill mode. Everyone was chill mode. Yeah, it was pizza and Eagles everyone's just Ordered on mo's. I kind of the dynamo's come through kind of turned up by the end. I can't remember if oh Yeah, I kind of turned up by the end I went to that was the only night I went to the after party Was that was just cuz I don't know wanted to do it once. Yeah I wanted I want to think the whole way home Just a badge just a barely legal at the whole way home. Oh, man Name of the strip club that the after party was called barely legal, but every I didn't go every lady there was kind of old So it's kind of nice like you Yeah, they were like obviously they were clearly legal Undeniably legal I wonder if you can do a class action suit You guys should be perpetrating the illusion that I am You might be able to make some box What'd you say? Maybe it'll make some box take some pictures of them and like go out to a judge and be like any of these look like they questionable age I was fooled Oh my $15 ATM feedback. Yeah, that's funny. Well, I guess I guess that was a No, the ATM just had a super high Yeah, yeah ATM and a strip club They watch they see they're like sharks no Desperation from every guy in there. There's I think they have one by those ATMs They have that thing when you go into a gas station like when you run over the thing There's our Yeah, I didn't I got invited to the after party. I was like no way bro. No shot not going to the barely So you're not gonna stay away strip club on Bourbon Street with Legion of skanks. Yeah This episode is brought to you by prize picks. Oh, yeah, and I make decisions every day But on prize picks being right can get you paid Don't miss any of the excitement this holiday season. Yeah, there's there's so much hustle and bustle It's crazy. The last thing I want to do is miss the excitement on price picks exactly seriously, dude Hey, Matt, make sure you download the app All right, you gotta download the app today So you don't miss out on any special offers from this holiday season Price picks is always offering promos like max discounts where a player would only need one yard or one point to cash your pick Wow, and here's a new feature. Fuck. It's all right Here's a new feature to get a hyped on prize picks now has early payouts If your player gets off to a hot start you now have the option to cash out on those winnings before the game even finishes That's oh my god, that's nuts It's awesome. Download the prize picks app today and use code drench to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup That's code drench to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup price picks. It's good to be right It's good to be right It's fun. It's a fun time. It was actually I think it was probably my favorite one of those yeah It was a long time. That was a really good one. I was curious how like well they're gonna work at New Orleans A man, they truly did find the perfect place. Yeah, so that place right on the waterfront. It was cool Yeah, this is a big box right at that fucking thing though. Yeah, you hear story everybody comes in goes Yeah, fucking I just got jacked off on a ferris wheel. You're like, oh man. Yeah, it's kind of nice crazy. What's going on? Oh, yeah, it is fully debauchers. Yeah, it's a bucket. No, I got eyes on the ass slapping contest You know how to get there But not just I was there early the first night Friday. Well, you know, we were out we were out So like what how how long were we at the casino? What guys were you? Why are you It was guys It's just being me Skankfest usually tosses us some guy did something crazy while I was on stage at the Live Legion skanks show. What happened? What do you do? I don't know. I didn't look but I heard about it Kissed a dick. There was two guys that like kissed a dick and it didn't even take much convincing like no, they were brought it up Yeah, we'll fight we'll fight tomorrow. The loser has to suck a dick. I'll do it It was like no one's making you do that. They're like, we'll do it right now Of course the entire crowd's like Just sitting there with David tell like Jesus It was just a dick whose dick was it? I just proposed. Oh, what? Yeah, sin. Yeah, that's crazy. I know a guy who just proposed in the room right? And also got his dick kissed in the hands by a fellow I don't know Guy's butt slapping contest Then he shit lined green It is funny to be on the phone with your babe like what are you doing down there? Like I was at the guy's butt slapping contest And then uh, well, I got double dog dare to kiss a man's penis and uh, it's going pretty good otherwise She was in the crowd the girl he proposed to they did it live and then he kissed he got his penis kissed He got his kiss. Yeah, that's kind of powerful dude. If you just propose You just propose then you're it's also off to a terrible start Cheat you don't know within three minutes. He goes I immediately And it was just like a peck on the helmet Allegedly, I didn't see it two pecks you watched. Oh, you were up close Wait, who went for you were up close and perished. You had eyes on it. I was in a balcony. I couldn't believe it was happening Dude, I feel a binoculars Yeah, that is a funny like that's a big thing like oh tell me the proposal story It's like well, we then let's actually kiss his penis And then La Mer goes not once but twice twice Two pecks very european two different guys you went This is very respectful. Yeah It was two different guys because the one guy was like luis. You said for me to fight I get I have to suck a trans dick and I'm looking forward to that And luis was like we're gonna let that go Yeah, so you don't have to actually do that. He's like, you know, man. Fuck that And then the other guy was like that's gay all you told me I had to do was kiss a dick And he was like also I'd like I'll do that right now to prove it This is an audience memory. Yeah, and everyone's kind of like you don't really have to do that. Please don't yeah And he's like mom That's nice though. That's a good uh, it's a good move. But yeah, I was asking who won that fight I Those two fought the fucking uh, yeah Skinnered versus ukulele Hawaiian Interesting I missed all that I got there. It was just like everyone was just dragging. Oh, yeah, they were tired from that True Friday and Saturday. Yeah, Saturday was wrestling if I was wrestling and kissing penises all day Tuck it out. I would it's a full day I got to top it next year on the cruise is going to be just like the cruise human centipede I would it would cost more than the riyadh comedy festival to get me on the skank Oh my god Yeah, true about yeah, you guys don't think I'll jerk off and shit in this pool right now It'll be the poop cruise just without The boat will be fine. There's gonna be shit and homeless shelters on deck. Oh my god Fucking they should do a cruise and this never sets sail just be on a docked boat the whole time People are gonna be jumping off. The only way you don't lose a person is if you stay docked if they take off Some way they will lose someone. Yeah. Yeah. Oh dude for sure You ever see those videos where people do that shit? Just think it's gonna be hilarious jump off a cruise ship and then There'd be a new like indigenous population in like the st. Peter. I It's a bunch of fucking chubby white guys. Yeah, we are we found here This land came to us Yeah They need a couple skankettes to repopulate but they would although those guys might just hatch I don't even think they They come out of each other's backs Like nematodes They just sit on a monster energy drink fucking hatches Comes out like brand-shops sucks Yeah, they'd have to hit like the uh the small convenience stores take out they completely control the supply of funyons They control the funyons. Yeah, we control the funyons now Yeah, that's fucking sick. It was a good time. It was good It was a grand old time. I was uh, I saw some of my friends there. I always see him when I'm there Yeah, Dan the ramp man linda and I'm like sitting there talking to them And while I'm trying to have a conversation with him a lady just pulled her pants down. It was just showing zakameko her Pretty gargantuan, but it was like it was no, you know, no disrespect towards the bud. It was like full in proportions It was just larger. Yeah larger than life and I was like Directly in my line of vision. I'm like, and I was like, oh, there's literally a giant butt behind you guys And they were like, yeah, okay. And I was like, I I literally can't yeah, I can't focus Yeah, there's a lot of uh, new it's uh, it's yeah, it's nudity. You really don't want Yeah going on. Uh, this was this was I will say this was a pleasant giant butt I think I know exactly what you're talking about. It was a very nice gigantic butt. Yeah, it was Yep. Yeah It was beyond Yeah, it's a lot load It was beyond pog. That's there has to be something beyond the pog because this was like it's blob blob No, it wasn't blob. It wasn't blob like it was fully returned Yeah, it was like shapely, but it's like she was great and just kept expanding kept everything like a tree like it grew from the inside Each year was a ring I would like a core sample to see the age of that butt I'm sure it was like a mighty sequoia Yeah, the naked roast I stuck around for Two of those nice and I'd seen more than enough so couple penises. So yeah, that's all you see. Yeah, and then uh, Yeah I was the extent of the nudity. I think I just saw a couple guys tiny penises The perfect I don't dude. I I'm still trying to figure out the uh Like the Why someone would do the reason somebody would be like, yeah, I'll figure that out I'll stand up there and do stand up and show my time I have a hard enough time like just doing stand up with all my clothes on Yeah Remove my clothes. I'd like no absolutely fucking not I feel like I get it for ladies, especially if they're hot like you stand up there. You're like just hot But these are doing like what they're little dicks. Yes, obviously for ladies. It's a great thing It's kind of cool asleep. But yeah, but they're not even really naked I feel like I feel like maybe there they are But I feel like a lot of the naked roast I've seen or the naked stand-ups I've seen is like women wear bra and underwear men Pull out the tiny flasks. Yeah So Which is I think that's fair. Yeah. Yeah, you can't be like you can't bar women from not being able to show their nipples and regular Life and then be like, all right. Yeah, awesome. Actually. Yeah, good another thing about it, but yeah, quit Quite the opposite. Yeah. Now's the time It's been sanctioned That law will never change. Do you think it'll ever change when women can just finally go? I think we could be close to like all top of speeches. They can in austere They can or they do they can like legally in specifically austen Like I'm not I'm pretty sure in austere. You can legally park springs. You could yeah, okay But I think you can just like walk down I told you I saw a lady one time in my neighborhood and she wasn't she didn't look crazy, but it was just Naked from the top. I'm pretty sure it's it's legal here. What? Yes. So why aren't more exercising? They're right I feel like it's oh, yeah, it's aggressive. Yeah. Yeah, it's kind of fucking it's aggressive for a guy to walk around charles Yeah, I'm sick of that. They may cut that out as hell. Although dude the sunlight hits your chest and increases the tea Yeah, but I'm so I'm driving around with my girlfriend six six dudes with abs jogging around That's tough. You were like trying to like you drive it with your lady You're like peeking to see if she like you can see her. Yeah, I fucking dare you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Look at that guy Fucking pussy that guy sucked It's funny though. Oh, I see something you like. That's cool Why the fuck would your eyes dart over there the same way mine did? I Fucking making me fucking insecure fuck it's his problem I will say though. It's like when you swim naked. It is a nice feeling same if you have no shirt on it does So mad they built that house back there. I've been hitting so many dips solo skinny dips Oh Naked I take up the entire pool It's crazy I'm furious about that house Although I really see can they see in yeah, I'm sure the kids rooms up there There's gonna be there's gonna be a boy looking out the window. Oh even a bunk bed. Oh, no Bunk bed. I'll be like the crow's nest. It's gonna be so scary. It'd be really scary That's on them though My whole thing if I'm on my property and you see me naked. Look, that's your problem. Yeah We're they're building houses behind mine like Windows straight across and it's I am naked in my house a lot. So I'm like, damn, they're gonna catch me Yeah, I'm pretty sure because there's been a lot of building going on and I just I love having just gigantic windows here. Yeah, I think you look into every single fucking house I go on my constitutionals. I'm just look I'm watching people eat shit. Oh, yeah, I'm seeing people like It's me again Making progress at a snail's pace I finished look up We guys haven't in there You got any extra hamburger helper? I've noticed you guys eat that on Tuesdays Our house in Philly was literally like the kitchen the where we ate was right next to a window that was Right next to the sidewalk. So people would literally just be walking by and be like right in on us all reading Yeah, every city every time in the city, there's nothing you can do driving crazy. I'm looking into your house Yeah, you have to do if you see people at a table. So I went what you got going on? What are they watching? What show is that? Fucking idiots. I believe they're watching that I do I don't know why I do like when I see like a giant TV in the window and I can see what they're watching. I'm always kind of like damn Do you're watching Independence Day right now? It's Tuesday at fucking 9 p.m. I'm walking my dog. I fucking rocks. I know She's like damn. You just chucked on ID for it. I was like, what am I doing in my life? Yeah, I didn't even think to watch ID for ID for his fucking ID for so good It is Yeah, I do love that ID for Independence day bro. Don't act like you don't know Come Purple drink change I really do the green turd My brain hasn't been working right since gigfus I like I'm of course. I'm moving slow. You took Monday off at least Uh Tell me you took Monday. No, no, we drove all day. Oh, fuck. Yeah, we drove for like eight hours That must be the worst hangover drive possible. It was pretty bad. I did the first four Sean did the last four Uh, my girl she picked me up from Sean's and like she hugged us all she said we all smelled like ass And we just did notice it just in a Eight hour car. You guys must have stunk. Yeah Was it just you and Sean or did you pack you packed the me's in there too? Butterly why what's wrong with you? Me's what'd you do? He left he left early didn't he where'd you go? How'd you get home? I just left it took an airplane. Nice. Yeah, I left on sunday night. I always leave sunday night How uh, how were the farts on the airplane? Well, we love no farts. I kept them to myself. Yeah I did I did did you shower before the flight? No Somebody right now is telling everybody at work somebody's going I sat next to the fucking biggest piece of shit He farted he stunk like shit. He's like ass and vodka. I didn't fall asleep this time. So I don't think I farted That's fair That's the lamezzi guarantee I don't think I farted Oh Do you know what's fucking that? I'm uh, I'm getting hip to right now is that apparently sports viewing Is like it's impossible to watch sports now. They've like scattered all the games across different apps. So like how does it Everyone I've done that. Yeah, it's like it's fucking that's wrong. It's hard to get a hold of the sixes Yeah, it's kind of wrong. They're just basically making you buy a season pass for whatever your favorite team is Everyone has to pay like a hundred dollars a month. Yeah, that's wrong. And then they took ESPN off youtube tv for like two weeks Isn't it? I got Fuckin disney plus all that shit. I had like the old legacy my version. It was a little piggy I'm not just remembering I wanted to break that up Sorry, who got hit with a quiet some fucking piggy on air force one got crossed by Oh, yeah I I don't know. I don't think he seems he just seems a little slower than usual, but Spud said spud thinks he's getting dementia spud said his daddy got dementia Uh, Trump meaning trump senior. Yeah, he's he's there. There's speculation that teedog might be rockin fine brains He's definitely not he's not at by brain. No, no, no not yet, but he's he's circling the drain. Yeah Piggie was Pretty wild. I just can't think of how like embarrassed that lady must have been that must have been so funny to be And you're on af1. Think of you were next to her and you hated her Quiet piggy you go Yeah, on the plane too, it's stink is like you can't get up you're stuck on the flight being like i'm gonna write about this I'm gonna write about this quiet piggy. Do they know do they identify the journalist that was I don't know. They gotta keep her name quiet. Do you think it was definitely a babe because you can't yeah, he wouldn't call Yeah, it was a lady. It's quiet piggy Can you hear although calling a guy quiet piggy's I gotta get can we see who this person was is that that definitely uh Can I see can I see I kind of want to get the visual more so than the name would be kind of meaningless to me Because that's fucking that's a wild move man Yeah, Captain Lucy from Bloomberg. I'd like to take a look at her um Yeah, I would like to she doesn't really look too big Hold on to say she was I was just curious. She might have had a piggy's demeanor Damn bro, that's a piggy's demeanor I Pointed out of leaning over Although, you know if the allegations are false, so I'd be furious too. What was she asking him? I think it was about epsin Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's a quagmire right now The one guy who got busted the guy who was the who was the Harvard president and that sat on the board of uh open ai Did you know exactly what his emails what he was I was reading a lot of them? Yeah, did you about it kind of using a epsin as like a dating coach? I didn't see that one. Yeah, he was apparently think I need a girlfriend. I'm married, but I need a girlfriend Like how do I talk? It was like kind of pua shit like how do I talk? How do I talk to these kids like what are some tips? How do I reach these kids he had a neg them he had to be like bro your geometry is trash, bro What's your sgt. Squirt? He was each yeah, that's uh stuff stuff That's the worst to not only Be associating with the pedophile, but also to be seeking romantic guidance. I'm gonna scream I'm gonna scream to quiet piggy yesterday. What I was I was ready to fucking Explode dude. Who went to I went to starbucks and A woman in front of me. It's a pretty crowded starbucks. It was early in the morning. There's a woman up front She's trying samples There's a line of people samples and going oh, that's a new flavor and the maniac girl behind the register was like Would you like to try a sample and she's like, yeah, I would Took five minutes to get the fucking sample. What was the sample of like one of those foamy foamy bullshit holiday drinks? Bro, that's crazy. And then she was like, uh, yeah, I'll take it. Oh my god. I mean it was like That would fucking because he was close the starbucks lines always as close ago. What what the fuck are you thinking? Oh my god Especially to be like even a sample of coffee. It's like, oh, that's a new varietal. It's like piping hot. You can't even just order it Order the fucking drink. It's it's sugar whipped cream. You're going to like it. Yeah, drink it drink it I'm as broke. I don't see fucking get it get the buy it Get out of the way. I'm getting a fucking black coffee. It's gonna take one second. You're up here ordering. It's 10 minutes You do feel like a absolute mastermind at starbucks when you just get black coffee You see everyone waiting for other drinks. You go, I'm a black coffee gets you instantly right away dumbasses fucking idiots piggies And then as soon as she got out of the way and I ordered I was very relieved. I didn't have a oh, yeah I almost had a like an airport breakdown I'm not afraid You almost Ariana Grande everybody What did you do? What did Ariana Grande do like spaz about donuts or something? I don't know that one. I think I believe I believe I should say I like it. I could have bagelbossed I could have bagelboss. Yeah, I think I think allegedly Ariana Grande, I think she spent one of them one of some pop divas spaz about donuts like very aggressively So you deserve one. Come on. Give yourself one diva moment. What are you talking about? I'll get a good diva moment Move! Take the sample you fucking bitch You stupid fucking bitch What are you thinking? That'd be a nice uh remake of the purge where people just said whatever they wanted to each other Just just one day of twitter I can tell you exactly where that goes It's the n-word and Nazi shit right away immediately It's twitter Holy fuck, I never even thought about that. Twitter is just a verbal purge. It's crazy, dude Yeah Well, how damn Yeah, that's uh, it was the closest I've come in a while. Have you had have you had any spazs? Yeah. Yeah, I No, you're not afraid to spaz. I've seen you. I'll spaz. Yeah What do I say when we went to Barton Springs and those two girls were like we need cash You were a little like what the fuck? What the fuck are you talking about? I was with you kind of like All right, I mean I'm gonna I'm gonna be on your side, but man you're really laying into these two fucking teenagers WTF I went bro when they went once I was like you don't have cash and I knew them They want you know them. I went oh my god. Are you serious and they were like no like you gotta get an app I'm like I gotta download a fucking app. Maybe I did it with that Trust me. I remember it was you know what pissed me off. I was getting chirpy for sure. Yeah But all on it within one sense. Yes because it's like You didn't give them time to be rude. They was they don't get it wrong. They were fucking very young girls working like the end of their summer job That young that one lady one lady was like 50 One was young the other one was definitely young old enough and not dude, and it's like there's a beautiful lake Let me just go all enough to get it. Yeah, I gotta go download a fucking app. I'm trying to swim in a lake It was it was I see why it was it was a purple-haired lady reading a book In a tent going no, we don't do that. I can't stay with bureaucrat energy when it was just kind of like I need to download an app and I was like I gotta download an app to go on the thing It was like come on man. Let me in this fucking lake. Yeah, that's who are you to stop me from going to this lake all the way back to our car to get some cash Yeah And I was pissed because I didn't have my goddamn wallet on me. I forgot I was like fuck Yeah, piss me off that that was nothing. I almost like for real. Where was I recently? You almost flipped the tables at part and spring That was christ. You're like this is a natural lake god gave us this Be gone with your jewelry It's like man, they're not jewish the lesbians Yeah, that was a yeah That got me that got me fired up. But yeah, luckily you were there to cool me out a little I was I was I was long for the ride I was I was stepping I was like, okay. No cash or no no anymore if I can't just tap with my phone I'm like, guys only is nuts. What are you fucking doing? I'm making it so hard. It's not 1985. Like let me get in here. I have my phone. I can do apple pay Come on and they're like you need to down when she said download the app. I don't know what it is I'm like Fuck yeah I say you a thing we have to download an app. I'm like dude. Fuck you completely correct. Fuck you download an app It's crazy. I hate that shit. I've seen another another person. He's not afraid to go is arish of fear with tsa I've never seen anything like it dude. Some of the guy took his lighter out of his bag of course Yeah, and he was like, oh cool, dude. You fucking feel good. I was like You're tsa Up We're gonna get arrested right now. I'm scared of the no fly on tsa for sure. I'm just kind of like All right, she fear went right away. That's really funny over nothing. It was like a two dollar fucking lighter Yeah, yeah crazy. Yeah, and then we once we got through he walked over the guy. I was like Yeah, I was like Can't fight at the airport You're gonna gel for like 10 years. Yeah This episode is brought to you by aura frames Mm-hmm The part the best part of the holidays aside from the great fooding the gifts because be honest We all love a good gift love a good gift Is getting to spend time with everyone with everyone getting to spend time with everyone I love I love spending time with you And I want this our time together to be so special true, dude How they see the holiday season is the way I make you feel special dude around the holidays. I'm gonna walk around there I Sent Matt an aura frame stocked with photos of he and I it's awesome And you know the perfect gift this year that could be for you to share those moments give the gifts of togetherness with aura frames It's a digital picture frame that can hold those memories and make them come alive again I'd like to come alive. I would love that You can add as many photos or short videos as you want All you need is the r app and a wi-fi connection. Dang. So as you keep making memories you can add to the frame You know what I'd add what's that this memory right now a picture of this Yeah, of us doing an ad read take a picture and put it up there Go ahead. Yeah, just be just a drop in the sea of many memories. So we have yes the high resolution photos You know what makes me the most hard is the high resolution photos look like real prints And they really help you relive the moment and you can try interacting with the photo right there. So You know You can get any photos you want on there brief message like congrats When all they want for Christmas is you and everyone together give them aura frames For a limited time. Oh my god. Let's get a picture of that Oh my god for a limited time visit aura frames dot com and get 45 dollars on mara's best selling carver mat frames Uh named number one by wire cutter. That's huge by using promo code mssp at checkout. That's a u r a frames dot com promo code mssp There's a clue exclusive black friday black friday cyber monday deal Is their best of the year so order it now before it ends support the show by mentioning us at checkout Terms and conditions apply. I don't think you got out of that. Yeah I should do that, huh? Oh, yeah, the big big tour the big tour the big tour Uh, when's this? Oh never mind Uh December 4th, I'll be in toots on arizona december 5th. I'll be in phoenix December 12th. I'll be in boise, Idaho december 13th portland, orgin Um guys, please come to the so like i'm the springfield comedy club in springfield, Missouri now We got it. We got a fire back up new ownership. Everything's good. Everything's smooth. I think the tickets I know they are actually will all be honored if you bought your tickets and didn't get refunded at the other place Yeah, really nice stuff. I'll be there 12 12 12 13. That's december uh funny bone comedy club, uh syracuse new york. That's 12 19 and then A uh the big theater tour starts 116 in houston texas go to dallas Hartford, canada kid albany and many more cities and if your city's not on there, don't worry I'll do another stretch of cities after this. So Thank you. We'll go to matt mccouser.com. Please. Yes. Hello everybody. This is sean gardini I just wanted to let you know that i'll be playing Uh, well, I'll be doing stand-up at the comedy vault in betavia, illinois On sunday december december 7th Uh tickets are at seangardini.com or at the comedy vault website Please on december 7th. Please Dang. Yeah, I forgot all about that. There was I don't know where I was recently though But there was one where someone was doing that shit where they were like trying a million things or Fuck I think I was at the grocery store And someone was doing something like that where they kept just like Asking a million questions and I'm like, dude, they're fucking eggs, man That's where it is. Someone's farmers market. So the fucking farmers market, dude, and everyone goes there I was getting just that's one of the chicken I was gonna put in the crock pot and there's like a you know chicken farmer guy who has like, you know A tent and this guy's like so how do you think I should cook this chicken? I'm like, Jesus fucking Christ He's putting the fucking oven or google it. I'm sitting there. He's like two people in front of me the next guy's like I don't know man. I uh He's chicken way and I'm like shut the fuck up just buy the shit It was took me 10 minutes to buy a chicken and there's two people in front of me And I was just I was so close to being like dude just buy the fucking chicken and move please Yeah, you put your head up a little you go Yes farmers people at farmers markets think they can like have a half an hour discussion with the vendor That's that makes sense to me. Hey, but it's fucking annoying. Yeah You gotta get my roll milk and roll milk. I get it because there's there are questions That one it's like understandable, but good god Farmers market is is happy and willing to chat I always have my kids there. I'm in and out every second is agony. I'm trying to get my stuff They're running. They're like can we please get a balloon like there's like a balloon twister lady. I'm like, no, they're broken I see you right there. I'm like, yeah, you can't get one. That's the last one My kids are just yelling as I'm like shut the fuck up about chicken dude. Please let me buy this Please Yeah, they're like we're actually out of eggs. I'm like I'm here 15 minutes into the fucking farmers market. I had a nice spaz yesterday You would you would like to I told you briefly about it, but I I didn't get the stickers for my registration for my car And uh, yeah, I figured they did that at the dealership when they did your emissions and inspection And they don't so then I'm just I was like, where the fuck is it? And I called the dealership And they're like, yeah, you can go to a tax assessors You go to your local tax place And I was like, yeah, that's fucking crazy and then I Googled it on the texas dmv and it was like they also do it at h e b's Here's a list of h e b's in austin. You can go through and there's one right by me I'm in the parking lot and I'm like I can't go in there and go up to a register and be like do you guys do inspections for cars? Because there's no way they do Like what the fuck is going on? But I drove and I sat in the spot for like five minutes of like this is how this is gonna go I'm also wearing these fucking like slippers and I'm wearing this Wearing slippers and socks. It's like dude if I go in and go do you guys I have my car registered? Here's the paperwork Fuck you think don't do an h e b like you guys make my car street legal, please And I drove home and I looked it up. I did download the app. I did join a fucking thing And uh, sure enough, they were like we mailed it when it was in my mailbox. That's nice. So that was this is a big one That's huge. And I got the day I went and searched for it. That's why it arrived. Dang. Yeah, that's cool. Yeah, it was nice That's really nice. Yeah, that's that shit pisses me off. I that's Shout out to wives for that because I yeah, that's gross dude. I Fuck in camp man. You can't do that shit if it's like you have to renew any piece of paperwork Well, you need your social security cards like yeah, I don't have a lot. I don't know where it is I don't know where any of that shit is went to the post office to ship some shit. Yeah, that sucks chaos I have no idea what I'm in public. I'm I have no idea what I'm ever doing I don't I stand there. I wait in line I waited in like a fucking 30 minute line and got to the front. I was like, how do I ship this? And he was like, do you have the address written on it? I was like, no Do you have any tape for the boxes? I was like, no, he was like, who's tape? Here's a sharpie write the address. I did Huge box and then fucking go to the end of the line and hold a 35 pound box It's fucking crazy. Yeah, go back to the end. Yeah, I didn't want to but yeah That's fair to get to the front. Do you work at every all day? It's taken so long up there Oh, dude, I used to I used to when I used to do all the merch stuff I used to be in the post offices all the time and it fucking Sucked although once you get like when you're a regular at the post office that you kind of start Yeah, it's like a p.o. Box. So they've you had a p.o. Box. I let you skip the line and go straight to the counter But yeah guys, you excuse me guys. I'm I was feeling a little different with the p box Like yeah, you guys you guys are doing that tape it loudly in front in front of the line the whole line's watching me Five minutes easy of just taping shit It's completely trying to sharpie an address Misspelling shit. It sucks. Yeah, that shit sucks so bad I got crushed. I was getting a running a car recently. I should mean Sean had a nice old time in our jeep I ran in a jeep ranger. It was a jeep thing showing Sean the jeep life. It was awesome. They have ducks They're called some ducks. I we could have we stopped one time at a gas station. There were some ducks I'm like, dude, I should have lined this thing up. Yeah, my brother had a jeep but he got like You know, they put the ducks with the front of your car He had like six of them up there and then one day he was having a bad day. It just was like getting in the car I was like, why don't I got these fucking ducks in here and knock them all off. They're still like on the bottom Just a Yeah, they ducks I had to rent that jeep and I like got there Car rental places by the way, too They'll show up and I'm like, oh, I just need a car They're like, did you do a reservation and they're like, no, I just wanted to see if you guys have anything We don't have anything and then I I'm like But then I was I had talked to Brittany before because she was like, oh, I already like let me know So put in the shopping cart and I'm like, well, my wife was like says you guys have like a jeep Wrangler and like Yeah, we can do that for 69 99 today. I'm like, why did you just you just lie to my fucking face? But I let that was a spot. I just went, you know what? I'm not even gonna argue with this lady I was like, yeah, I'll have that one then since that is available. There's fucking 40 jeeps in line I'm like, why did you tell me you don't have them? Yeah, it was pretty nuts. They were trying to hear the how shitty running a car is An airport and oh my god. Yeah, but it was the one usually it's all like, you know, bring it will take care of all that stuff She didn't that one time. I was like She's like you should rent a car. I'm like, I'll be fine. I'll be zuber and then I got there It's like I want to rent a car. She's like, all right. She's like, I'll do I can fucking do it It's like a child. I know how to do that. I get there and I'm like, right I'm like, she just doesn't have any fucking cards that she's lying. There's one in my car. I was like, yeah, you have a jeep She's lying That's great And then uh And then I she was like I'm like doing all the paperwork stuff She's like, what's your what kind of car insurance you have and I was like, I have no idea I'll just just skip all that every single time I have to email my insurance company. Can you send me another card? Like we did this a week ago. They're in your emails. I just send it right now. I can't I don't know anyone's name. I don't know how to find it in there Yeah, it almost makes it like you hear about all this facial recognition shit and part of me is kind of like whatever, man You can just scan my dumb face and get all my papers. That'd be great I fucking I can't stand that stuff. Yeah, so I told you when I went to get my license it was uh Or transfer my tags to texas here The guy was just like I was like thought I was gonna be in and out. I'm like here we go And uh, the guy was like, yeah, your license got suspended in Connecticut. I'm like that was like fucking 10 years ago He's like, yeah, you missed the last payment. So now like I can't do anything and I was just like I had a call Connecticut and I was just like I Just full spaz. I didn't know what to do. I think you can get on the phone It's possible getting getting it was impossible texas driver's license here. I called the Connecticut state police It was like, hello. I was like, dude, and there was like, I don't know what to do for you. I was like Well, that's your guys fault. You're telling me it's it's fucking I did it. I know I didn't pay. I know I paid it Yeah And then dude that I spelled they gave me my id and it was mc space C usk er I get home. I'm like bang got my id, but he's like, why is there a gap between your letters? I'm like, who gives a fuck and then she's like, no it actually will affect stuff I'm like, dude, will you shut up about this and I'm going to apply for like some sort of thing and they're like, yeah They rejected you, right? Yeah, that's why when they're trying to get a texas license took Fucking forever took me took me a year of going I would go to the dmv sometimes I'd be like, it's time for me to get this done today. Yeah drive 30 minutes outside the city to try to find a shitty one that no one's at yeah Chalk full of mexicans in there Me and them are just getting id's together. We're new texas residents They're like the wait list is uh, can you come back in six months? I'm like, all right, I'll be there sleep right through that I have no idea like I should have put that on my calendar april 6th. I gotta go there Dude every every doctor is a type appointment I go to they go, okay, so I'm gonna be good for you Uh, how about six months from now? I go perfect and I just leave great Great. I'll definitely remember. Yeah I was at the gym recently And there's a chiropractor who like set up and I'm like, oh, I could that be nice. It's like close to my house I'll get it. I paid for an initial appointment Never the lady went to hand me her business card and I was like, I don't need your fucking business card So I'm pretty like, you know, I found this new chiropractor's gonna be awesome And she was like, what's the name of the place? And I was like, I don't know She's like, how are you gonna go to your appointment if you don't know the name of it? I was like, oh, fuck I just miss Never going But you make that's you gotta stop doing that. I'm like, don't tell me I don't give a fuck if I missed it or not She's like, well, it's crazy that you pay for an appointment. You don't know where to go And I was like, I don't well that's for me to worry about not for you People with business cards can get fucked. That's what I said. I'm like, I don't need your business card But I don't I'm tired of people handing me a fucking business card. It just is trash I'm never gonna sit down and go Give me a number. Give me your fucking numbe. Type it in Yeah, that was that was my bad though not to verify the name of the business before Because I was like, I'll get an email like an on-board email. I'll be like, hey, you have an appointment. That's what I banked on But no such luck. I got I got uh, yeah down 65 books That's whatever I'll crack your back. It's all good. Yeah I'll do it for you. Yeah, we'll make you back Of the mayor knew her you did I true Nothing you gotta fix my back did I tell you all about my uh my bar spares? Oh I heard you. Oh, yeah, I uh The we were I don't remember the name of the bar, but sorry. I was looking at your cup. Does it say wonder shows him? Yeah, who wrote that that's just what the name of the drink is wonder shows him. Yeah, that's it. Oh, fuck you That's a great. Do you remember that show? That's the purple drink in you wonder shows and was wild I can't put his wonder shows. I didn't know is there old like mtv like fake kids show that was like There's a lot of really good stuff on there. Nice. Yeah, that's awesome. Check it out. I want a really good stuff in here No, I was stupid That's more like it that's what I wanted. I wanted you to sit here and bomb I want the comments to go nuts It's on this dr. Cb shit right now I'm trying to recover trying to give up poop back to like normal Normal green will be better than bright. Nia. There was a drink, bro Damn All right, so what happened to the bar spas? What happened? Uh, this is like 4 a.m. I probably I might overreact it a little bit But I was saying something I was Why are you laughing at me like that? You definitely overreacted I overreacted but dude was so we went to a bar on saturday that was about to close Yeah, I heard and the guy kept it open for us. Yeah, and then when I left and there was just a group of people there that were with me He was ready. He was you know, I mean, he was like, all right. It's yeah, let's go. We were supposed to be close three hours ago he never It was like I can't believe you guys stayed that way Well, he he kept drinking he was giving out well They didn't happen to me, but he was giving other people there like free drinks he was like in his own little I think he got hammered while like while we were there and uh At some point he I forget I'm talking to Chris Fagan. He says something to me and like I wish I could remember what I said back because like not knowing what I said that makes it sound like I'm definitely the asshole But he he takes my beer and he goes, all right, you're done and just like pours it out Like me looking me in the eyes like I'm like I'm a bitch But you said something to him that you don't remember. I don't think I said anything crazy I think I was like talking to chris. He just kind of came and like Hopping into what we were talking about is how I remember you know with a quiet piggy probably Could have been quiet piggy. I would if I had to guess who was homophobic or transphobic It might have been I don't know But he just came into the topic and you were just kind of like that's how I remember. What do you think it was? LeMair Well, I was just waiting for the after the incident Oh, yeah, so after he poured the poured the beer It did that did make me mad as hell And I was like, what the fuck was that about and then I like knocked the empty off which I'm saying is a spass It is a spasm. It's a total spasm Uh, but then Then I was glass shattered glass definitely shattered Um, dang, but still you look somebody in the eyes and pour your beer out like There was a huge chance he had gone. Hey guys wrap it up and got ignored seven times. Did he do that? I don't think he did that He because also what was happening at that time is their regulars were there He was like a lot of the regulars because their bar was still open. They were like, oh, shit. My bar's open So they were I think literally one of them said was like, we don't know who all these white people are but we're happy The regulars were yeah, we're talking like third ward nola. Yeah Nate those guys didn't show up until after you were like Me and fake we're not leaving No, they were there like I saw I definitely saw because like I just I think you were outside But they were there but you after that happened It was definitely like the locals at their bar. You got your black lady on I didn't get my black lady. You got your black lady on you shadow. You took something off the counter threw it behind the counter I started screaming. Oh, I'm not going anywhere. I'm seeing I'm seeing every denny's video When things go wrong you start throwing plates and no, no, no I did it. That's just a little bit. Nobody pours out my drink And then No, they had you fucked up. They had you fucked up. They they had me they did have me fucked up They didn't have me fucked up And la vera was trying to get out and that was it was because of how you were trying to get like skedaddle skedaddle And I didn't like the way that fell and that's what it was. I was like, it's they're about to fight you You keep you keep slurring at the bartender to his face. I didn't I didn't did I yes Yeah, you were dropping a lot and I was like, bro, we gotta leave Hold on. He's still pouring his beer out. Look at it in the eye and pouring your beer out is it's crazy But but then I I did kind of peep do started like position themselves and ways to my dreams. Huh? It's all part of a plan You know, what are you fellas gonna do to take me to the alley and rough me up? Yeah, right, none of you could wrestle me in the alley I Mean I knew there's more to it. I knew it was I knew it was obviously unruly you break a glass I was I was a little honest. I didn't I was there. I would have joined their side I said, let's get him fellas. Let me let me let me come up behind you going So after you smash the glass what was what was the next move just so I start people that there's like like People starting to eye me in the ball like like staring at me and like getting a little closer and shit And I saw one of them and I he was looking at me. I just went over to talk to him I was like, I'm gonna just fucking figure it out I was like and I said what happened I talked about the like, you know staring me in the eyes pouring the beer out Blah blah blah and he was like he kind of just was like, ah, yeah, that's fucked up And he probably knew that like he this guy was hammer. He they know, you know, it's their bar They also know that he probably like, you know, he can be a dickhead and just Smoothed it over he damped me up. He was like all good Like It was probably that who's that guy on instagram right now the um the guy with no front teeth He's always talking about juicy booties It's probably fleece jocelyn Don't worry about it. Yeah, I'm glad You probably heard you fart at the bar That's a juicy booty That's nice, so you shut the bar down you left you left on your terms you were fucking good, right? No, no, no, it got it gets worse. No So I did try to squat I squashed with everybody like around me that I that was You know, man, I would love to have seen that Ah Friend what's your instagram? They were probably like man, you're this weird fucking guy out of here. We're really what happened What happened was I forget who else was there, but somebody else was like no I think other people who they was like, no, he's he's not like this. He's this was you know This is a little out of character for him. He's not a dickhead. Blah blah and that's what the guy said to me He was like everybody here saying you're cool. You know, you know that type of shit And then I went to the bartender to apologize because I was like, you know, I did knock the thing down Like, you know, it's glassy that I went to was like, yo my bad. Maybe we had a misunderstanding With that beer pouring out thing but I didn't mean to do all that He was like, no, you saw my boys and then you coming around you and then you got scared And like and then I was like, no, I didn't get scared. I'm just trying to do the right thing now and apologize to you I'm dying this part I started I was like and then that's when La Mer is trying to get me out. He was like, come on. You gotta go Then eventually I was like, you're the five-oh-four boys on you. I mean, that's just a bad place to do that Yeah, yeah And I like I wasn't saying to like kill me in this bar. I was saying it like no, I'm not scared No, I didn't I don't even talk like that Bro, you know, I'll die in here. I'm dying here. They're gonna have to kill me to get me out of here I don't think I said that. I think La Mer is lying on me right now La Mer was you were close to saying exactly that until but I but I do think I said What were you saying this whole time? I was saying Nate. We need to fucking go. He's trying to go He was trying to get out of here. I was like, why are you spending money at a bar at where the guy doesn't like you? I I didn't that's actually a good appeal to a drunk brain. Yeah What was the takeaway that's the that's the most important what's it take away? What'd you learn? I'm not a goddamn That's bullshit that whole night you had been talking about Christian Ronaldo the entire night. Oh, this guy sounds amazing You didn't learn anything I that I don't like your behavior I'm not I would be annoyed. I was if I was the bartender I mean, I was doing I made some mistakes, but then I still tried to make it right in all the right ways Yeah, but after you saw his boys show up and he was right again. He that was Sean Sean told me at one point you got up. You went, you know the fuck I do My podcast I heard they they poured out the drink because you tried to coyote ugly You got out and said let's go girls No, that's good stuff and they said get in the fuck out of here smashing the glass is A It's too much. It is too much. It's not I really didn't I don't think I was expecting it to like fall in shadow I wasn't thinking that I just was like, come on. Oh, uh, yeah, now we done done it clear the counter Yeah, but pulling out I pulled off like not getting my ass whipped I am pretty happy like I've got proud of that because they survived that would have been a rough one It would have been a it would have been a hot have been hospitalized I am norlands especially after I'm ready to die and as soon as like When we got out of the uber to go into the bar, I was like, yeah, this is a real place. Yeah This is a real deal. This is the wild west. We're gonna have to act right. Yeah, you have to be polite. Yeah It was nice. It was a good time. I'm just saying when we pulled up it was Black as hell Yeah There what they played a lot of usher across the street. That's how black it was. Yeah, it was very black cross What was going on across the street? It was like a it's like clear okay. That's clear. He's ripping usher. Yeah Yeah, it's real Those are the only places you can hear like usher and chris brown is like a black dance club Yeah, certainly Although yeah, I feel like if you're at a true bar in the hood it'd be plastic cups everywhere. There would be no glass to smash A lot of plastic cups going on. Yeah Yeah, we did have bottles. I didn't even think about that She's a lot of play when I used to go to the bars in west there. There was like bars. No, it definitely wasn't like that It wasn't like that hood. Yeah, okay. I should go to the patrons. Yeah Yeah Visibly guys you don't want to bother grown it was a grown it were they grown and sexy No, they were not grown and sexy, but they were No It looks like 70 the war It was so you're like a little nether around basically. Yeah, you just I would I can't even imagine doing that Wasn't for messing or yeah, I wasn't for messing around Yeah, so I used to get there was like bars when I went to school at directsville in west philly That would serve like you could be a baby and they'd be like, yeah, whatever And I just favorably remember only ever drinking out of clear plastic cups You know like fuck this place is the best bar I've ever been to I've been to two bars. This is my favorite whatever Two for one shot. That's exactly how I am. I mean still that's still my favorite bar I got the bar. I worked at when I was 21 every This is the best There is I will say there is something so fun about walking into a bar Pretty much stone sober and then just kind of really digging in for like hours at a bar stool. Yeah, it's so nice talking about clocking in Yes, yeah, put in a real shift We put in this one of the strongest shifts at uh in chicago the day after Oasis Me billy. Oh you guys don't really spot me get put in a monster shift. Yeah. It was really nice. That's fun You could had to skedaddle because the beers were looking. Yeah, they're calling him That's that is that would absolutely kill me spuds willing to put in a shift I was surprised how willing billy was to put in a shift put in the shift It was a great shift. Yeah, people love to change bars No, it's nice to dig in for a while. You go sit at this table We talk and then it got a little guys at the next table were like you guys want some blow And it was like shifts over That's how That's the night crew coming in. Yeah, all right Yeah, I was my favorite thing when I used to get worked for an electrician We would get paid in a bar and cash every friday. That was a big thing. You'd be like, we're digging in We're gonna dig in the whole thing basically like most of the company would just sit at that bar even talking about shift is fire I love it. Yeah, I'm going to westchester this weekend. I'll be putting in a shift I Saturday college football no day. I'm at 3 30. That's shift. Oh, yeah The whistle's gone My watch Of winds that'd be a sick bar if you could just sit on iron beams True like four feet up have a little lunch pail and they give you your drinks You can pretend you're an iron worker in the 1920s. Yeah I'm reading a speaking of uh infrastructure in the 1920s. I'm reading a book right now called uh the titan by Theodore drizer or whatever drizder or whatever his name is and it's all about Like the robber baron age of like 1890 to 1920 and but it's a guy from philadelphia Who does some white collar financial crime goes to jail but still has like, you know, cool million bucks And then he goes out to chicago to like really Ramp up as it's just him and his mistress He just abandons his family with his mistress goes to chicago and just starts monopolizing like gas works and railroads And she's so fucking nice. It's all about like 90. I anything like turn of the 20th century high society The vernacular is so fucking nice. They all just attack each other and it's it's the best. Yeah, like uh great cat Yeah, it's very very like oh Yeah, it's very he's they are quite so quite so also the sun also rises is very like that. Yeah, like uh Yeah, I just love they just hate each other. They all want to ivy league. They're all like he thinks he's a good fighter. He's a jew It's exactly that I'll tell you what that jew can fight. I wouldn't want to try him That man's rotten from the top of his head to the soles of his feet. How about you try this on for size and he socked him right in the jaw They made up I was like, dude, they're uh, his wife like bucks. He's just completely He's not he's like non-stop mistresses. He's constantly like he'll like meet a guy He'd be like I noticed I knew his child when she was in younger years and she turned into a beautiful woman So I decided to bed her in the car. It was my business associate, but whatever that's none of his business anyway, and dude The uh at one point his wife obviously gets wise to one of his Or is he marries his uh mistresses his wife now and she gets wise to it She just attacks the lady and he just comes and like sorry. He's like talking about how he's just obviously like he's Hold still he's like you've lost your mind. You've lost your mind What are you doing? And then it's like that back then he's like you could have just committed He could have fully been like Center to the institution. Yeah, but at one point the guy was just like Thinking about it and he goes he had to like hold her down and he was just like In an elder day, I could have choked her to death and sone her up in a burlap sack and thrown her in the river Jesus It's so funny to be like a three-piece student like in elder times. I could choke this woman and kill her I won the on the way when the ride back, uh, I had every had fell asleep when I was driving So I put on post post office by uh, Bacowski And it was like out of nowhere to be just like talking about you know going on his route and then this lady he just like Yeah It's a good scene It was it was real uncomfortable because Shaw's ladies in the car So I don't know why that made it worse, but it's like a woman in the car listening to that He was like I didn't see that coming. Yeah, that's sucked by a nasty old one. No Wait, which one I already jacked off. No, he took a lady. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And he was like he was like I finished her off And then I left Yeah, yeah I had this guy's posters on my wall. Yeah Bacowski's not great. Yeah, I Yeah, that that will call me out guard. He usually just drinking and fighting. Oh, it's the post office. All right. Yeah Yeah, those guys got really let it air out. Yeah now. It's like You don't have any strong women of color in your book and now back then it'd be like I fucking killed that lady It's like this is based on my life. Yeah one time on my post office route I saw a lady that kind of insinuated to have sex. I went inside and raped her and uh, Anyway, then I got hammered and fist fought another guy Yeah, those dudes are wild now for sure. Yeah, how are we doing on this? They were good. I think it's time for the patreon. Yeah, true I had so many salacious stories. Oh, yeah, I mean, this is nothing but headlines right now. 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