Paul Rudd Returns Again

Hi, my name is Paul Rudd. And I feel right chuffed about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pills. I can tell that we are gonna be friends. I can tell that we are gonna be friends. Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs A Friend. Joined as always by my whack pack Sonam Obsession, Matt Gorley. Whack day to you, sir. Yes, um, we can't, we can't. Traffic backing up on the 101. Cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, blah, blah, blah, blah. Let's do some prank phone calls. Hello, Pizza Parlor? Yes, this is the Pizza Parlor. Oh yeah. Oh, that's really sorry. Is your refrigerator running? What? We have an oven. Oh, sorry. If you had a refrigerator and it's running, I'd say better catch it. What? This is me doing a bad prank phone call. I understand, but I'm more curious why this pizza place doesn't have a refrigerator. Yeah. Well, there was a blackout. Okay. But this is why I don't do prank calls. And also, what kind of whack pack is this when you're just doing everything? Ring, ring, ring. Hello, we're a hospital. Yeah, I think one of the patients died. Sir, what are you calling for? April Fools. That's bad. Is that a prank call? Someone could have died. No, that's what I'm banking on. Doctors are like, hey, the odds are someone probably did. Okay. Hello, baked bean company. Yes. Do people eat your baked beans and then they have gas afterwards? Just kidding. This is the president. Do you want to hear a quick real joke that my daughter made up? Yes. Well, there's two. And this was the spectrum. The first one, pretty solid. Knock, knock. Who's there? Party. Party who? Porta party. Okay. That's pretty good. Solid beeflust. Four years old. Guess what? She got bad on the ball. It's an infield. Single. Yeah. Yeah. And then the next one, knock, knock. Who's there? Mouth. Mouth who? You don't have a mouth. You can't talk. No, I was just doing. No, we are here to have a real conversation, which is Sona. And maybe you've noticed this, but when we do the conversations with people and we're about to start a record, you need to keep talking. You do, Sona. And I've noticed that if we, hold on, don't make that judgy face. Well, she was looking at me. I was responding to her. I noticed that when we do fan phone calls, you know, when they come up the zooms where the fans are calling, you love to talk right up till the very second that they come on. You just do Sona. I accuse you. I accuse. I think you need to turn that finger right around. Right around to you, sir. Right around to you, sir. I'm going to turn it around 360 degrees so it's pointed back at you. Do a 180 degree. But you broke your wrist. Do a 180 and then do a thing. Do this. This is more accurate. Wait, now it's pointing at me. Yes. If the finger's pointing at me, then I must do it. First of all, when we're having a conversation, okay, like everyone's talking and I might be in the middle of something. You're always in the middle of something. You'll be like, okay, let's go. And then you don't let me finish what I was saying. That's exactly right. Not only that, but you offer it. Just go, shut up. Here's a can of shut up sauce. Shut up. No, no. You're just offering me. What did you offer me right before we started recording? I said, do you want a slice of shut the fuck up pie? Yes. And then I said, hey, actually maybe you double up. Maybe two slices. Thank you. That's a polite way of saying to someone you might want to curtail your conversation. No, but you say that and then you expect me not to respond to you and then you're like, okay, we're going to start. And then you get frustrated with me because I'm still talking. This is, I'm a normal person. And hold on. Hold on a second. I'm just kidding. And then usually right before the fan, you start throwing things at people because that moment where we're waiting, you can't sit still. Yeah, that's true. Are you saying that maybe I'm the problem with Cone of Brian needs a friend? Yes. You are not you. You are the problem. I think that's indisputable. And maybe lashing out at you was me projecting. Yes. Yeah. No. Do you want to apologize? No, I want to make another prank phone call. No. No. Yeah. I want to make a prank phone call. Hello, dentist's office. Yes, this is a dentist's office. Okay, you must be sad right now. You must be feeling down on the mouth. Excuse me, sir, come again. I wish I could come again. Oh. Sir, what are you talking about? Uh, fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Wait, sir, what's going on? I'm Cone of Brian. I mean, I'm not Cone of Brian. Oh, I got to go. And was that a good prank call? No, they're bad. They're all bad. Also, you can't say anything about you. I feel like you would be like this Cone of Brian. Here's a prank call. Like you would say it. I probably would mess it up. Yeah. Yeah. I never made prank calls. I've never made them in my life. Really? No, you would be good at it. As a kid, all the time. Oh, no, I would be terrified. I would be overly conceptual. I'd say this is Abe Lincoln calling from 1864. Oh, God. Still got a year to live. Although I'm shot in early 1865, Spring, if you will. And then just they hang up and I keep talking. Yeah. It would be me talking over a hang-up signal. There's some value to that. Yeah. It's hard now because I'll call her ID and stuff. Oh, no, I forgot about call her ID. I tried a bunch of these yesterday and they went very badly. Did you call from your number? Yeah, of course I did. Oh, no, Conan. Yeah. I was like, hey, I hope something bad happens to you pretty soon. You call your wife. This is Conan's doctor. You need to be a lot nicer to him. Yeah. Conan's doctor saying that? Yeah. Well, I guess I'll. Of course me, I panic and I forget my doctor's name. Yeah. I'm doctor, not Conan. My prescription for you is be nice to him. I would be terrible. I'd be so nervous about prank calls. Just awful at them. I feel like you'd be nervous about anything that is slightly bad. Right. Yeah. You'd be the one who'd be like, guys, we shouldn't do this. You're the like, guys, come on, guys, let's not. Let's be, let's be, let's not TP this house. You're the first one killed in a horror movie, basically. Oh my God. You would die so fast. Yeah. Right. Because I ran in a bad direction? No, because you're policing everybody. We can't do that. We can't drink out here at camp. We can't. Why are you leaving me? I'm going to go into the woods and say my prayers. Yes. And then chop, chop, chop. Yeah. Someone's out there chopping onions. That's right. Okay. Fooled you. So I think I owe you an apology. Oh. I accused you of something which you may not do, although I kind of think she does. Well, I do. I swear to God, this is coming from a real place, which is some will be like, okay, here's Sarah who's calling in from Cincinnati. You are often talking. But I think she's doing it to prove a point because you've just served her shut up pie. Yes. You know? It's not always, it's also be quiet soup. You're also throwing, you're also crumpling a paper and throwing them at people. Yeah. Remember when I said have a slice of hold your tongue tongue? It's actual tongue from a deli. Remember that? Yeah. Can you, do you really think when we're waiting for the callers to come up on Conan needs a fan, do you actually think you sit there calmly waiting and I'm the problem? Please tell the truth. I'm told I make a lot of erratic motions. Yes. You usually got your glasses on upside down. Yeah. It's funny. I'm not saying it isn't. Can I say something? You always got your headphones on front to back. You do. You have one tooth walrus? Man, my joke is that's someone with ESP doing a podcast. He's got the headphones on his forehead in the back of his head. That's the first time you have another joke for that that you usually do, but that's a no. I don't know. I just make up stuff all the time. That was pretty good. Thank you. You do pen mustache or sometimes you do one tooth walrus guy? Yeah. I put one pen on one side of my mouth so that just one pen is hanging down. And I look at Sona and I go, I'm half a walrus. And this is while we're waiting for this person to pop up on screen. Yeah. Yeah. But then Sona is responding to my, I'm a tornado of bad bits. Some of them quite good glasses upside down is funny because that's not the way you should wear them. They're all pretty funny. I mean, thank you. So I'm doing my bits. I'm getting my laughs. And then she's trying to get me to calm down or responding to my attacks on her when Sarah from Cincinnati or Buffalo comes up. Yeah. Just admit you want to do bits and you don't want me to react to that. Yes. That's it. Oh, that's what you want. Yeah. Okay. All right. No. No. The answer is no. And I think you're used to like television, you know, three, two, one. Yes. And then this and everything stops. But this is, we start. Okay. We're out of time. Just shut up both of you. Okay. All right. Well, guess what? Well, you're forgiven. Sona, I think you're 40% right in this one. I forgive you. 50. 55. This is just like, I hate being in the middle. I forgive you. I forgive you. Where am I? Trust me, you're getting yours in the next episode. Yeah. I forgive you. Well, we should get started. Yeah. Apologies. I guess we each apologized to each other. Here we go. I didn't apologize. Equally wrong. Here we go. I forgive you. Why am I involved in this? More Sona than me. I'm bailing out. I forgive you. Sona 70, I'm going to say it. Sona 70, I'm going to say it. I'm back. Sona 75, me whatever is the rest of this 75. Like 90. Just, just. Can't do the math right now. She has too busy riffing. Friday. Sona 80, me whatever's left over after 80. Forgive it. Forgive it. I think it's 20, but I can't be sure. We're going to get started. We got to get started. We got to go. Forgive it. All right. Last one. My guest today has starred in such films as Ant-Man, Avengers Endgame and Anchorman. Now you can see him in the new movie Anaconda. Very excited he's here today. Paul Rudd, welcome. Right, chuffed. I forgot and I shouldn't have about your English. Yeah. Linnie, your parents are English. Yeah. Like from England. Yeah. Both of my parents were born in London. Yeah. Right. Yeah. You were in Huff and Piddleton and you changed it to Rudd. Well, it was a hyphenate. It was Huff and Piddleton Rudd. So, but I already, yeah. You are a Eustace Nigel Huff and Piddleton Rudd. And I forgot about that because you went to a serious acting academy. This blows everyone away. Now you went to a very intense, was it at Oxford? Where was it? Yeah. Went to Oxford for just a semester. But it was a studying Jacobian drama, which I mean already makes no sense if you know me and all. I just did a thing at Oxford weeks ago and the minute you get there, it is Hogwarts. It is Hogwarts. It's ridiculous and you immediately feel unworthy. That's just how I felt. I felt you're walking around. You think everyone has an owl. Everyone does, by the way. I do. And they're all playing kid-itch. Excuse me? Or is it squid-itch? It's neither. Which one are you? What do you call it? Yeah, it's squid-itch. Oh, I'm sorry, Huffington Piddlebone. I don't know your fancy terms. I'm not at all. No, it's just I grew up playing it, so I just know it. But I immediately, I don't know if you had this feeling. Did you feel accepted there? No. No, I didn't feel like I belonged there at all. How old were you at the time? Oh, if I must have been 21. Okay. And you're right. You feel as if you're just a part of something that is so important and old and historic. And I mean, there was a pub that I would go to kind of before class. And after that, low ceilings, wow, this is this. When was this built? This has had been here a while. And then I ask, oh, no, this is from 1200. This pub. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. No, no, no. This one's from the Middle Ages. It's not even the oldest one here. I grew up in Massachusetts and there are some houses and buildings there you'd see sometimes that would say 1634. And I would think, oh, my God, the oldest structures known to man. Because I was a kid. Right. Then you go to some place in England and you'll be at a copy quick. This is back in the day. Or you'll go into a drugstore to get some mints, some tic-tacs. And you'll ask them, this is a nice old building and they'll say, yeah, it's from 2AD. Yeah. Jesus bought his tic-tacs here. It's crazy. It's crazy. I was exaggerating a lot. Would you like that? No, I really thought you meant 2AD. I mess around and I think Paul got it. Jesus actually had polo mints if we want to get it real. Yeah. And he went to a chemist. Yeah, he went to a chemist. I'm sorry. Yeah. The irony was he would go to boots. It was boots, but he'd never wore boots. All sandals with him. He was ostracized at boots. Because he wasn't wearing boots. Get out of here. So I forgot about that because you really do. I remember talking to you once and you were talking to me. This is in our private conversations, which there are many. And you're always like, don't record this. So I don't. But you were telling me all about your parents and they were. The real deal. The real deal. I think you told me your dad knows everything about the Titanic. Yeah. Everything. Yeah. He was a Titanic expert and traveled the world speaking about Titanic. Yeah. I have a brother, Neil, who's the exact same thing. He will tell you he knows which rivet went where. Really? Oh, wow. All that kind of stuff. So they would have been friends. Yeah. My dad was part of the Titanic Historical Society. Back before even Ballard discovered the ship, I grew up going to. I guess the way I would describe them might be Trekkie conventions. About the Titanic. With just other people who are interested in Titanic and. But. Nautical history, presidential history, World War II history. I mean, he was a history fanatic. Yeah. My father. And so, yeah, I grew up around all kinds of. This is a real side thing. Articles and cutouts and things like that. All kinds of stuff. Cutouts of what? Cutouts. And this is all. Cutouts. I mean, you're. Dad, is that a cutout of Neville Chamberlain? Oh, I have that one. Does. OK, did you're I'm guessing he did. I'm hoping your dad lived to see the Titanic discovered. Yes, because that would have been a seismic. You know, he thought about this thing his whole life. And then they said, hey, we found it. Yeah. And here's pictures of it. Yeah. Because that's what it was like for my brother when they found it. My brother was just blown away because he knew everything about it. And he was really disappointed that the ship broken half and was in kind of a mess because he always dreamed they'll find it and then they'll float it to the surface and we can all ride around in it. No, it's just a pile of bolts at the bottom of the ocean. Yeah, and rusticles. Rusticles, yeah, which I have. Someone had to know that. Not everyone's showered with you. So. I'm saying it's something they feel like. Rusticle. And it was the exact same scene in my house when it was discovered. Nineteen eighty five eighty five. My dad lost his mind and it was the most he couldn't. He was giddy forever. And he would just show me pictures. He framed, I think Newsweek magazine, the cover. It was on the wall. It was such huge news in our. Did he like the movie? Because I think Titanic buffs like the movie. But then there's always going to be that guy that's like, oh, the antique car. They love the French Renault. You're right. That's a 1913, not a 1912. Right. Exactly. And those people still hunt. They know bugs them. Yeah, they hunt the director down and say, come on, Cameron. So my dad, I asked him when it came out, I go, well, you know, what do you think? And he said, he said, I do think that of all of the Titanic films and the things that they've made about Titanic, that this film probably captured what the experience was most like. Yeah. And he also thought the technical side of it, though, all of the rivets, all of the China, the way it was like, he said, that's exactly as it was. And to see all of that was thrilling to him. He didn't care about the story at all. And he put about when Rose is being sketched with her breasts out. Well, she suddenly like, that was fantastic. Dad, take it easy. No, he's in the room. I'm in a home. He was furious because he knew for a fact that she has long was not on the show. There you go. There you go. He that's always thinking while she's naked. Yeah, it's like, wait a minute. No, sure. Please keep it down. He said he goes, I he goes. Now there was a he said there was a boy in steerage named Jack Thayer. He goes, I'm assuming they took some of what Jack Thayer's life and his stories. I can kind of, you know, created the DiCaprio character. He said, but it's there's so many interesting stories about Titanic. I don't know why they had to make one up. This is my, you know, my father, the history fan. Yeah, it was a total miss with audiences. I don't see why you need DiCaprio at all. Tell the story of Jack Thayer. I have your dad is theater critic. Whoa. But my dad was also, you know, like, apocalypse now that wasn't the Vietnam War. Why didn't they take, you know, he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, dad, that's Joseph. I you would they he only saw the historically accurate sides of sure. Yeah. Yeah. So I had the got to interview Quentin Tarantino a number of times and I told him about my brother, Neil, watching, watching What's Upon a Time in Hollywood and Neil's that guy who yells out, that's a 71 Pontiac. This is 1969. They weren't out yet. And so Tarantino has like, he later on said to me, oh, man, just keep your brother Neil away from Neil. Because he's that guy. I'm pulling out. I'm having this memory of something. And forgive me because I'm pulling out my phone. You'll trim around this. But hell, I will. Maybe we won't get that ad out for Apple. Here, I just found it because a friend of my texted me this the other day because we were talking about this very thing and a movie that my father hated was Life is Beautiful. Oh, my God. Hated it. No one hates that movie. My dad hated it. Now, keep in mind, my father could not escape Holocaust documentaries. Right. Growing up, I didn't realize color television existed until I was a teenager. But he hated. Hated that movie so much. And a bird open any. It's a masterpiece. Well, I was just reminded about my father's hatred of this movie because a friend of mine texted, he said, I still laugh at your father talking about that movie and because again, not historically accurate. And my father referred to it as Laurel and Hardy go to Auschwitz. Oh, my God. Which I completely forgot about that. Oh, my God. I had forgotten about that. I got that text. I started laughing. So I'm like, oh, God, that's right. He did. He really did. Why don't they just talk about the real camp? You know, you are never far from my mind because Instagram knows what I what I like. You know, you have these, you know, these little sites that you go on and they learn you real quickly. And so mine's always showing me, you know, here's another Beatles guitar solo. You can learn how to play or here's, you know, it's constantly showing me the things it knows I'm going to like and showing me historic stuff. It knows that I can watch Anchorman clips until the sun goes down and then well beyond that. And the one it keeps sending me over and over and over again is Sex Panther. And I and so I know it cold. You unveiling your cologne to to Will Ferrell. And one of the things I love about so much is I think in the history of comedy, it's the most it's the two most self-satisfied people I've ever seen in any situation. You're unveiling your cologne. He's so pleased for you and impressed. You're so pleased with yourself. And I would just put it out there to people go back and look at this clip and people do all the time. But it is to me, the epigee, the ACME, the high point of two idiots who are happy with themselves. And it always makes me happy every single time I watch it. Thank you. Well, it is you are dead on the money. These are two morons who think they've got it all figured out. Yeah. And that's always such a fun, fun thing to play. Certainly. And Will is so good at it. And that was one of the hardest moments I laughed. You know, Will doesn't really break character too much. No, no. And he really got me. I do. But he really made me laugh when we were doing that scene. And I thought, oh, because there is kind of so much improvisation. And I thought, and then I said, oh, yeah, well, 60 percent of the time it works every time. And I thought, like, oh, that will make him laugh. And he didn't even smile. And he just said, that doesn't make any sense. That doesn't. And then I lost it. Yeah. That doesn't make any sense. It's really the one moment of clarity that either one of us has. In that scene. Yeah. And then everything else is, he says, pungent, pungent. And then you're very confident about sex panther. And it's it's it's made of real bits of panther. So you know it's good. It's another thing. That's the one thing. Yeah. Yeah. And then I think it's smells like gasoline. Everything about gasoline. Yeah. Pure gasoline. And so I don't know. I just I and you are so I mean, one of the things that you're able to do in so many different and we've talked about it, but in so many different parts you play, you're able to access this. You're incredibly likable, but you have no authority. You should not be respected and you don't care. Do you know what I mean? You're able to combine all those things at the same time. And I'm always delighted in forgetting Sarah Marshall when you're the guy that hangs out on the beach and rent scuba equipment and stuff. That I love that character. And again, you're just and I think you were telling me once that that was just you brought a lot of your own experience to that character. Well, there was, you know, when Jason was kind of when he was writing it or when they were getting ready to shoot it, he said, you want to come come to Hawaii and you want to maybe play this surf instructor. And we were just talking about it. And it was just this idea that if you ever go to any of these resorts and there are guys that teach surfing or diving or whatever, you meet them and feel like I've got it all kind of figured out. But the more you talk with them, you realize they're they're running away something or something's not right. And that just seemed like a funny. Oh, yeah. Oh, no, I I get it. And but just really putting a hippie, dippy positive spin on it. I know this is my journey or whatever it is. Yeah, yeah. And so no, he had no actual knowledge. None of really anything. No, he shouldn't be there. It was dangerous that he was working there. My and the idea was that I was going to also play much older than I was. I wanted it to be older. By the way, I said I was like I was forty four in that movie. And now I look up forty four. Oh my God, what a young what a young kid I was. Yeah, I was in my thirties when we did it. And I tried to die my hair gray. I want I want gray hair, not even a wig. I should just want to wait. But I went and tried to dye my hair gray, but my hair is so dark that it just turned kind of red. And that's why my hair in that movie is just kind of red because I don't know how to. I never died. I love how you think of this. You know, this is a big movie and very successful movie and a classic. Why are things so? Hey, do you want to come hang out in Hawaii? Maybe you could play this kind of guy. Hey, I have an idea. I'll be right back. I'm going to go dye my own hair. You'd never think that that's how it came together. It's how it came together. And it was really and even when I arrived, it was I remember we we filmed it in the at the North Shore, the very top of Oahu. And when I landed, I was not tan. Big surprise. And they said, well, you should probably you need to get a tan. So there's a place that you can get a spray tan. But it's on the southern part of Oahu. It was like two hours away or something. As I landed on the plane, went went directly to this spray tanning place. Drove. So that took like an hour or a half or drove another few hours to get to the North Shore where they were filming. Checked in the hotel, told them I'm here. And then I went and took a shower. And I never knew that you have to let us spray. Wait a minute. Settle in. And they had no I'd like it all came off. I was in the shower. It was like psycho of the color going down the train. And I had to send me back right there. So then I had to drive another. First, all to get from New York to Hawaii. It takes something like 10 odd hours. Yeah, it took me longer to get this. This is a lamp to get to the spray tan twice. And then get back to. Yeah, one of my favorite. One of my favorite things, it's just a it's a I guess a true wisdom about a lot of my favorite kinds of comedy is there's this thing that's in in classic comedies. And I'm just going to start with like the three stooges where you you take someone who's a complete idiot, but you put them in a position that they'd never be in. So the three stooges, the rich people need plumbers and plumbers show up and they have a truck. They have all the equipment. They're clearly in the phone book. They're registered plumbers. The richest people in town are calling them up. So clearly they've done this before. And it's three people that literally can't take a hammer out of a bag without smashing vases all around them. They don't know what a pipe is and things explode. And you see that over and over. Clusso would never have been the most famous detective in the world. He's a complete idiot. And that's the thing that happens over and over again. I'm thinking that is a thing that these films like the Anchorman films, they do so well as none of these people would be where they are. And that's the thing. Or and this guy would never have been a beach instructor, but people are beamed into this reality. And once people accept that, everything's great. Right. And it's just what you have to do. And it's so fun in like three stooges or Clusso, especially, that they wind up kind of winning despite the fact of their ineptitude. The biggest example, the most brilliant I always think of is something like being there. Yes. Where, you know, back into every single victory. And what's so amazing about that movie, obviously, is that everyone around him thinks he's brilliant, whereas everyone else around Clusso. You just know they're morons. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, it is a it is a really that's a good kind of construct. And I'm with you. They that kind of thing. It always fills me with delight. Yeah. I don't know what it's like for you. You know, you you probably didn't see the action hero thing coming for you because it was really pushing it. You used to tell me all the time, I'm going to be a Marvel action hero. Yeah. Yeah. And I was belligerent, remember? No, I know. Oh, do I remember? Trust me. And I was always pushing you and shoving you a lot. Yeah. Hard and saying. Were you jealous? I remember thinking, yeah, I'm the one that's going to be the Marvel superhero. Yeah. You know, remember? Yeah. And I was just always and then you'd pull it off. And I know I was jealous for a long time. I mean, action here, I would have I would that's a small a. Much like Ant-Man, small a. I don't think that I really fit into that mold so well. But, you know, I did get to I did get to pretend I had a suit on and I got to do CGI. And I went to the gym a lot. It was kind of fun to do all of that stuff. But in in my bones, I don't think that I would ever I could ever believe or feel authentically like I am right for the part. But actually, that might be. But this is. But yeah. But I was like, I'd take somebody like Odin Kirk. And I mean, when I saw Nobody, that was which I love that movie. The joy of seeing Bob Odin Kirk just kick ass like that and be so good at it. And so believable. He's incredibly talented guy. But also, as you know, one of the funniest people on the planet. And so I think that, you know, I don't think it really exists is so much for me, even though the Marvel thing is real. I look at a guy like Odin Kirk and think, well, that guy did it. Yeah. And that guy is great at it. Yeah. Well, he they always thought about that might have been maybe a key to why it works so well for Bob is, you know, I go way back with Bob and he's, you know, God, so insanely funny and creative and great. But he does have he'd get angry about things. And I thought, oh, I think that might have been his way in is, you know, his and he's tenacious. And I could so I could see like, well, there are aspects of Bob and you are hilariously funny guy who's also incredibly charming. And I said, well, that's kind of your way in. You're very likeable. It's kind of your way into that character. I can see why it makes sense. Do you know? Well, how it even came about was Edgar Wright, who had was going to direct the film, and it was Edgar that offered me that part. And I didn't I really didn't know that much about Marvel. I mean, I had seen some of some of the films, but and I had read some of the comics when I was a kid, I knew what they were. But it was never anything that I would have imagined getting involved with. But it was Edgar that offered, you know, and said, like, do you want to play this? And I love Edgar and his friend of mine and I loved his films. And so I was very excited. And then he wound up leaving the movie and it was a bit of a chaotic scene there for a little bit. But I think the reason that maybe he wanted me to do it or was that it was, you know, it's a it's a guy who probably is ill equipped to actually be a superhero. You know, and and and so I think that that was always my take on it. I'm not going to be Captain America. I'm not going to be Thor, even though we have a incredibly similar physique. I just I don't think I often confuse your torso. You know, it is my Ken's word. The real problem is no one would buy me as a blonde. Especially if you die your own hair. Well, I'm here for Thor. I'm going to go die my hair. Thor doesn't have blue hair on the south end of the island. I'll be back. We shoot in 10 minutes. I'll be there. You know, I very much wanted to see your new film, Anaconda. And they said I could get a link. And then they told me this morning because I was going to get up this watch it this morning and they said, no, the link does not work. So I blame your people because I have not seen it. But well, no, I'm I wanted to see it and I really wanted to see it for free. Yeah. That's the only way to see anything anymore. But I'm excited to see it because it surprised me. I know that technically you and Jack Black have worked together before, but this is a real two hander and I'm excited about that. I'm very excited about it. He's the greatest, as you well know. There's nobody. I mean, he is a tornado of comedy and talent, truly of talent. And so it was I was so excited to work with the guy. And yeah, we'd worked together before, but never like this. And so he's terrific and he's great. I actually have I don't have a link or anything like that. But I think they are. I do have a clip of it, but they it's so fun and it's such a funny way to kind of go into this idea of doing a retelling of Anaconda. Do you remember the original? Yes, I remember the original. And what I loved about this idea is that first I thought, are they doing a remake of Anaconda? And I didn't understand just based on like the poster. And that's what I was interested to see. And then I found out that it's about two friends that want to go. They're their fans. They want to go back and make their own version. Right. Of Anaconda. Yeah, based on the 97 film. Yeah, when things start to happen that take over. I'm sure you could explain this a lot better than I could. Yeah, well, there's there. So we all a group of four of us. It's Jack Black, Steve's on and Tandaway Newton. And we grew up together. We used to make films, you know, like so many of us do growing up, like little movies with our friends. And Anaconda happened to be a movie that we loved growing up, even though technically, if you do the math, we were all probably about 40 when it came out. But that doesn't matter. That's the first suspension of disbelief. Doesn't matter. Yeah. And so and so we, yeah. So we decide we decide we decide to do I have the rights to Anaconda our lives now as just 50 somethings are not working out the way that we're we thought they would or 40 somethings or however, whatever you have the rights. And my character, my character, my character, you'll learn how. OK, but still. OK. You'll learn how and. He got them 70 years ago when he was 40. There's a reason there's a very. It's funny that's actually there actually is there is there is there is an explanation and it's funny because it is what I have to show you of how I have the rights for this for Anaconda. And I am explaining to them and we decide like, look, guys, I really miss making movies and when we were kids, like we can do this. Let's do we love this movie when we were growing up. Yeah. Yeah. Let's do it. Let's do it. And then, of course, you know, things start to go wrong. But then all of a sudden, wait, maybe we're getting onto my real Anaconda. Yeah, it's like a metaversion of kind of it's an interesting. It is an interesting. Way to kind of retell a story that's never been told before. Right. So what's it like? First of all, I I agree with you. Everything you said about Jack Black being, you know, the most talented guy and insanely off the just this nuclear powerhouse. Yeah. Of creativity and fun. But whenever I run into him, his beard, his beard is insane. His real life beard. Yeah. And that might be the most impressive as Jack Black is. I think his beard impresses me more than anything else. It's really something. It really is. And it's yeah, it's got like three different areas of gray. Yes. No, that's what I'm talking about. It's not just yeah, it's not just I mean, OK, Letterman has this great beard. But no, Jack's has different parts of his beard have lived different lives. And they come from different parts on a guitar. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it's exactly. Yeah, yeah, it's like a man. Sometimes they're swirling and churning quicksilver. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's like a captain Nemo meets Rick Rubin meets. I do. I do. Yeah, there's. But also meets like touch of Manson. Yeah, a little bit of Manson. Just a little touch. You want a little touch of man there. Yeah. And it and all of a sudden it just happened. Like I remember seeing pictures of Jack and he had. Oh, yeah, I know he has a beard and oh, it's cool. It's like a little gray there. And then I think, I don't know, six months later, I saw a picture of years ago. It's like, whoa. Yeah. And he couldn't keep that version for the movie. And I thought, oh, that must be really upsetting when you have that and then to have to shave it. Yeah, that's what I thought is I'm hoping that he has kept it. Meaning I hope they didn't shave it. I hope it was detached from his face and then can be surgically put back or studied in a lab. Yeah, yeah. Even if it means that there's terrible pain in a recovery period and maybe the body rejects it for some reason because it's been off the face, I still think it's worth trying to keep. You have. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then he does it. It's like, we the world lost Jack Black today. I've been unsuccessful beard reattachment surgery suggested by Conan O'Brien on a podcast with Far-Rud. The two men have been arrested. They're still working on it, but unsurprisingly, government is cut off funding now for research. RFK Jr. did approve of the surgery. It's a real shame. Well, to have such a signature look, Conan, one year great if I had legs, I'd kick you. Oh, thank you. I loved it. Love the movie. Not an easy watch. That is like. No, no, that is an intense movie. But it was also like you have your hair is so kind of styled. How did you feel about showing up with a different hairstyle? Well, I play this therapist to Rose Byrne and there were so many things when they sent me the script and I don't, this is not a part of my career that I've had any plans for and it's not something that I probably intend to repeat. But I really love the script. I love the director. And then like everyone else on the planet, I worship at the altar of Rose Byrne. I just think she's spectacular. Yeah. So the chance to be in these scenes with her was like, you've got to do this. And the way I interpreted this therapist was, oh, he's the opposite of me in so many ways. He's not a caretaker. If someone's uncomfortable, he doesn't really notice. He just wants them out of the room. And then I thought, and I was talking to the director, Mary Bronstein, a lot. And she said, yeah, what are we into about the hair? And we both agreed it should just be pulled back and down and just kill this thing. Just kill it with weight and restraints. But no, it was mostly just wet it down and put some stuff in there to just keep it flat. And then so, yeah, it is funny because it felt like I don't have my it's like Superman without his cape. You know, it's just like it felt to me a little bit like, well, this guy's no fun. He's got. Yeah, you're all put together and kind of tightly about. Did you find, though, that when you were doing it, you're not self conscious about any of that kind of stuff that some of those things that you do feel like, oh, this really I am acting apart. And that. Yeah, I did a lot of prep, which I have so much respect, always respected what you guys do actors. It is not really my thing. I can I think I'm a good actor when when it's a sketch, when I have to do something in a sketch, I feel like, oh, I can do that. But this character work and all that was new to me. I had never done it before. But I worked with someone and really tried to understand who this person was. And so that when I showed up on set, know your lines, know what you're supposed to do and really be familiar with this person. So not a person I'd want to be all the time. Right. But yeah, I mean, you were great, isn't it? But do you want to you don't want to keep doing it? Or you think I just don't think it's something I don't see me saying, get me out there. You know, I really ask because pilot season is coming up. I'm doing all this. So I couldn't possibly and then you're going to you're going to see my new show hanging with Conan. Father of seven kids. You know, whatever. I don't know what it is. But no, I don't I don't think this will be something I'll be doing a lot more of. But I am a Toy Story Five. Yeah, check that out. Yeah. At playing. I say I play. I think it's out there. I think I'm allowed to say I play Smarty Pants, one of those devices for like one and a half year olds that teaches them how to go to the bathroom. And so I'm a little toy that teaches kids how to go to the bathroom. I'm Smarty Pants. And I went to college and. Have you done it already? I just wrapped like two days ago. I wrapped on the Disney lot. And it's one of the more surreal experiences in my life to be having the wearing the cans when you're doing the lines. I mean, these things are so familiar to you. They're not to me. And hearing they're not in the sessions with me, but hearing, you know, Tom Hanks as Woody, you know, and hearing Woody and Buzz in my ear. And I'm supposed to go like, yeah, guys, whatever. I just I can't believe that. It's crazy. It's crazy to hear that. Moments where you can actually get emotional about it, because you especially Toy Story and those characters. Yeah. They're so good. They're so good. It really I remember after the third one came out, I thought, is this is this the greatest trilogy? You know, I mean, Lord of the Rings, you know, Godfather obviously one of two greatest movie Rambo Rambo. Yeah. Rambo. Yeah. The first three earnests. The first nine Herbie in the Love Buds, as flawless. No, I I'm a weird guy. I hated, hated bad news bears. Loved breaking training. And I knew I did Japan. That's unusual. Totally. I know. I know. I know. It's an unorthodox take. Yeah, but stick with it. Yeah. Yeah. I I think those Toy Story movies are such. I mean, it's beautiful storytelling. They really are. And they've been showing me, you know, they'll say like, hey, Conan, you want to see? They've shown me now little pieces of it in, you know, that they've kind of are finishing up. And it's really nice because my assistant, David Hopping, grew up on these movies and loves them. So he comes to the records with me. Oh, wow. He must be. And I don't let him see anything. I want him to be near it, but not to see it. Right. Yeah. And they say a little dangling a carrot in a way. Yeah. And they'll they say like the director will say, do you want to bring David in? And I'll say only if he wears this bucket over his head so he can't see anything. Yeah. And I paint a frowny face on the bucket. No, I he comes in and he's he's so I get to experience that through him too, which is these these scenes are just spectacular. They take so long to make, they have to be really well written. They appeal to all ages. They're the best movies. I like that you're now promoting Toy Story 5. I've tricked you and not Anaconda. Yeah, you're promoting all the Anchorman films. Yeah. Anaconda and no, no, not Anaconda. Sony will be furious. They will they because they as you know, they really insist that we promote the films that were actually there to promote. That old weird. Yeah. Yeah. They don't like. Tick they have. I know. I know. Which does bring me back to my clip of the film where I'm talking about how I got the rights. Oh, you have this? I do. OK. And it is very it's it's it's actually based weirdly on a true thing like this. How the right Anaconda was a book originally. And is that true? It was. It was. And it was and it was I think the author was Japanese, maybe. Anyway, there's this sequence where I talk about how I met his widow and she was a fan because I play an actor as well in the film. Right. But I'm trying to explain to my friends how it is that I've come about getting the rights to Anaconda. They don't believe me. And I'm saying I know this is how. But I did. I know you haven't seen the link. But I don't know if there's any capabilities. Yeah, I think they say they have. Yeah, I think the great. Yeah. Now you can see. What else is on YouTube? Now, here's my question for you. Yeah. Is there a part of you that just hates yourself when you're doing the fake setup now? When you do the fake setup now and you know I didn't know, but the minute you start to say I have a clip, I'm like, we all know. And then there's a bunch of things that go through my head. But is there part of you that hates yourself as you're doing it or no? Oh, are you kidding me? Absolutely. I hate it when I'm setting it up. Hate it when I'm sitting watching, hating it now at the point where it's like, how are we all supposed to react to this? At what year did I stop pretending like it was really. You don't even try this time anymore. This is the least you've tried ever. You went, oh, yeah, and I have a clip. Because it was a book and then Spain. And then I put very little thought in how I was going to do it this time. You're kind of looking around like, yeah, blah, blah. You almost said blah, blah, blah. Will you ever turn down coming on the show because you just don't want to deal with this anymore? Yeah, exactly. It's a little bit. Yeah, when you. You just get lazy and tired. All right, I'll think of a setup now. I don't, you know, it's like a team that wins a title. And the next season they go with two victories all year. They're two and fourteen. It's like, get back to fundamentals, guys. It's I love Lucy the final season when they're up in Connecticut. Yeah, yeah. And Lucy. But you know what I love? The I'm now starting to picture at one point, one of us, we're going to be very old men. And I'm older than you, so I'll be the older. So I think I'll be in the hospital and you'll be visiting me. And I won't have long and they'll say I'm in a lot of pain, but he's pretty good right now and you'll come in to say hi. And I know you're going to do a thing where I'm kind of in and out, but I'm there and I'm so happy to see you. And then you're going to say no, no. And I just got good news from your doctor and really, really. And he's like, no, they did a scan and they actually can't find any of the disease in the area. And I'm really, yeah, no, take a look at the scan and it's going to be that and it's going to make me really happy. I'm so touched. That's going to make me. By the way, is is a really great way to do it because you have the X, the box lit up on the wall. This is a great. I've thought out other scenarios, but that's way better. But you know what you're going to do? You're going to get a guy, you're going to get my doctor to play along. And so he's going to say, no, we found and and and Paul, do you mind? And do you want to stick around for this? And I'll be like, it's OK. I want Paul here. And you'll be like, OK, I'll stick around for him. And then he'll be showing me. And then at some point, because I hope this is not for a long time. I'm just going to say that. But it's going to be some sophisticated scan where they show you in real time. This is where we we did the scan. And you can see here. And this is where the disease was. And then it's going to start to flicker a little bit and it's going to turn into. Yeah. And it's going to bring me a lot of joy. And then I'll pass away. It's great. I'm just happy that I could bring that to you in your final moments. I did think of a scenario where we could do this and I don't want to reveal it here. I did think of a scenario which I think is the. Would be momentous and I'm hoping we get to do it some day. I don't want to know. No, no, no, you'll tell me you'll tell me afterward. Yeah. Yeah. There is a way to do this that would be the greatest, but I will figure that out. I have a wonderful memory of I remember we I was in Brooklyn and I did a show there and you were kind enough to come do it for the podcast. Yeah. And we were all there and then you and I hung out afterwards. Some drinks were had. Yeah. I recall. Yeah. And then we we ended up it was very late at night and we ended up stepping into your house at night. I remember that and you showing me around in the dark. Yeah. And I was like, I think my children are asleep. Are you sure this was his house? Well, I'm not sure because we I'm not sure. We're not sure. We weren't in the best state, but we had had a really good time and we're what we're walking around. And you're showing me this and I was just so happy to be in your house. But it was a very it's such a clear memory of you and me in the dark. This is just a couple of years ago and you're you're doing a thing that they do in movies where you're like, we both a little buzzed. You're like, and I'm like, yeah. And we're looking around and I'm like, this is beautiful. And you're like, quiet, quiet. And but it was so surreal to walk around with you. One of my favorite people in this gorgeous house. And I remember thinking, oh, my God, I miss New York. That was the feeling I had. I mean, I love don't get me wrong. I love Los Angeles, but you've made it a point to always have that be your base. Always. But I was so thrilled that we got to hang out and then I'm like, wow, you're going to come on over. Like, are you sure it's 2 a.m. Yeah, that's fine. No, whatever it was. But I was so happy that we got to kind of hang out and spend a little time. It was really lovely. Yeah. Yeah. And I do remember this. And as you were describing it, I was thinking, I'm just missing the candle with the holder. Yes. Like a Jacob Marley. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Okay. This way, this way, this way. Yes. And I'm like, yeah. Yes. You want to. What do you want to drink? Smell the con-crack. It was really fun. It was really fun. But we have to do it again next time you're, you know, you're back in New York. Yeah, I'll be back and we'll hang. You are an absolute delight. You're one of my favorite people in the world, one of my favorite performers. And you always make me happy. And I know that in the next week, I'll be watching clips of you. We'll just be appearing because I know these phones listen to you. They know what you like. And it just is always throwing me these Paul Rudd fastballs. And I'm like, I know that guy. God, he's funny. Anyway, it always makes me really delighted. So I feel the same about you, Conan. Thank you for saying that. Have you got the phones listening? I had this memory of, did you see the P-DOMS special? I think it was I'm not for everyone, I think it was, was his last one. Yeah, I've seen him. When he's telling the audience, he just stops in the middle of his routine and just start saying, I want to buy a dildo. I want to buy a big dildo. People are laughing and he's telling them to shush. And he just keeps saying it over and over again. I want a big juicy dildo, like whatever. And for a minute and you don't really know where it's going. And then he just says, can't wait to see what pop up ads you all get. That's such a great idea. Brilliant idea. He's very funny, man. Very funny. But yeah, hilarious. Well, now we're all going to get those. Yes. Yeah. Anyone listening right now is going to get one. Yeah. Yeah. And not just any dildo, a juicy dildo. A juicy dildo. Yeah. You know when they're just ripe? Yeah, that's when you want to know. You don't want to do one of these. When you get the dildo, just put it in the sun for one day. I hate biting into a dildo. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, this isn't ready. It's a little bit like an avocado or a cantaloupe. You got to squeeze it to make sure it has enough of that give. Well, that's the thing is when I'm buying dildos, people are always like, what are you squeezing them for, your pervert? And I'm like, I'm trying to see if it's juicy yet. Exactly. And they get all freaked out. But it's a giant bin of them. Stop touching all the dildos. My grandfather was a dildo farmer. And he told me, if you want a juicy one, you got to squeeze everyone in a bin. He showed me when I was a little boy. The right way to pick out your dildo. And those bastards chased him out of town. Paul Rudd, thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. Seriously, thank you. We have something that we have to show you. Do you remember that show Star Search from decades ago? Yeah. So it's coming back. And I think there's something about the promo that you need to be made aware of. OK. Star Search, the world's greatest talent competition. Welcome, Beyonce. Kevin James. Usher Raymond. Britney Spears. The show that launched the greatest stars of our time. Look up in the top right. Oh, it says Conan O'Brien. Wait, is that real? It's real. I don't get that. Very un-ruthy shared this with me. I think Netflix put out a trailer for this Star Search reboot. And this is the trailer. And they are saying all of these names they're implying were launched. Their careers were launched by Star Search. OK. Did you ever have anything to do with Star Search? I did not. I was, no, that is, no, that is not my origin story. If it was, I would shout it to the rooftops. I wish I had been on Star Search. I'd have had at least a little more experience before I took over late night in 1993. No. I honestly, I am flabbergasted. What do you do? It does say greatest stars of our time, though. So aren't you, you know? I know, maybe you could just make it up. Maybe did you do like they used to do dramatic monologues on there? No, I never had any connection to maybe they want you on this season. They want to make a star out of it. Oh, I am. Does anyone has anyone looked into this at all before we started talking about it? Did anyone Google Conan and Star Search? I was around the office. I talked to Jeff. Jeff said he doesn't think that he doesn't know he doesn't get it. No, I have. I mean, unless I've dangerously in need of neurosurgery, I have had no connection. I'm not upset at all. I want to get to the bottom. You're not upset? No, not really. I'm upset for you. Why? Because I'm just using your name, being like we launched his career. Doesn't that make you want to like cut a bitch? No, no, no. I'm glad someone thinks it is worth putting me in there. I want I want them to answer for this. I want them to say what they think you did on Star Search or for Star Search. You know, is it possible that on the old late night show, we did a bit once about Star Search and they're showing that or something? But that would be that's false advertising. They're definitely making the case that all of these people got their start from. Well, listen, here's another question I have. Who else then is being misrepresented in this ad? Yes, because if they're using my name, it must be. There must be some other people in there, too. Yeah, it said Dave Chappelle was Dave Chappelle. Maybe he was. Maybe he was on Star Search. I said Adam Sandler. Was he on Star Search? These are all the folks according to Google, right? Is Conan on there? Adam Sandler is on there. No, I don't see you're not on there. No, I'm not on there. Nope. I don't want to be a conspiracy theorist. Yeah. But I'm just saying what if the Netflix marketing people put you in there knowing you weren't part of it? So they could get free publicity of you talking about it. Oh, that would be deep-seated. All I'm saying is, you know, and we are talking about it. We are talking about are we playing right into their hands for exactly what they wanted by knowing now proving that we have played a part in Star Search, because here we are talking about it. And there is his name on the screen. Oh my God, it's some weird time. Now, listen, I would be very impressed if that were the case. I don't tend to be a conspiracy theorist. I tend to think, no, there was a mistake somewhere. Or OK, the Mark Twain Prize was on Netflix, and I think it was a success for them. Right. And maybe just the same program that's like feeding names in took my name from that. Look, Sona, I don't understand how technology works, but I know. I think you're way too chill about this. I think we need to make this a bigger deal than it actually is. I don't think. Are you angry on my behalf? Be honest, I'm curious. I'm curious. I'm not going to ask you, say, cut a bitch. No, yeah, I think some bitches need to be cut. How many bitches should be cut for this? I don't know how many bitches were cut. Is this a three-bitch cut? I don't know. It could be. I don't know how many bitches were in the room need to be cut. We just go around. How many bitches? What's the most amount of bitches been cut? I don't know. A lot of bitches be cut if there's a lot of bitches be involved. Be all the bitches cut simultaneously or be bitches cut at intervals. You got to cut the bitches at simultaneously, because once one bitch sees the other bitch get cut, that bitch run. Every bitch be cut or some bitch get wet. No, all bitches be cut. Whoever bitch be involved, bitches be cut. Be bitches in circle around cutter. Be bitches in making one circle so that it's just. You run and bitches be cut, getting cut. What if cutter a bitch? Yeah, you cut cutter. Bitch better cut bitch. Yeah, you bitch, you cut you bitch. OK, OK, yeah, you cut you bitch. You cut you bitch. Bitch be cut, bitch be cut, you cut. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You cut be bitch. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. OK, that's all clear. Yeah. So that clears it up for me. I'm angry and I want to cut a bitch. Yes, I'm just saying they're changing your origin story. Everybody, like, can look at this and say, oh, there is footage of Britney Spears, but then you see your name on here and they're claiming you. I have to say, looking at it, I am very intrigued. I'm not angry. I am too. But I'm just, I'm just, I mean, Adam, what do you think? Seriously. I'm seething. I wasn't offended. I'm kind of like you. I'm just like, this is kind of funny and interesting. I think I'm falling with Sona. They're taking some credit and almost saying, you're not a self-made man, which you are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think of people that went on Star Search as self-made. Me too. I think it's a good start. It's a platform for getting. I think you're talking about. Yeah, top filling here next to Beyonce. What are you? What would you have even done? Hey, hey, if Beyonce, if it's good enough for Beyonce, it's good enough for me. Yeah, but what's your talent? Oh, no bitch going to get cut. I'm now, I'm very fond of this cut a bitch thing now. I'm intrigued by this whole theory of cutting a bitch. You better be careful. It's your talent. I'm sure I went out and did some bits and they were just as powerful and show-stopping as Beyonce. Hello, fellows and the assorted ladies. I don't know. I don't like this little thing. I hope he did a little song and dance, you know? I'm very, we got to find out. We got to find out. Oh, we got no man in here. Oh, yeah. Bring him in. Yeah. OK. Melmet, Melmet, Melmet, Melmet, Melmet, Melmet. He and dead and dead and get around. Be a Melmet off the ground. Be a Melmet, get around. Um, um, um. You guys start singing Melmet's song to an unclearable song by the tigious Paul McCartney. Just brings us right back to the last time Melmet was on. I'm going to say, I think I did that on purpose. OK, we're going to, we're going to bring David Melmet back in, who is our lawyer. You probably know him from past segments. He's wonderful, very handsome. And on a near episode or the next episode, we'll get to the bottom of this with him. OK, OK. Inappropriate. OK. All right. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian and Matt Gorely. Produced by me, Matt Gorely. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Jeff Ross and Nick Leo. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair. And our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista and Brick Khan. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco Hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at siriusxm.com slash Conan. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.