This Week's News | DOJ Protects Trump From Epstein Accountability, and Trump Floats Canceling Midterms

This episode is brought to you by Ninja Lux Cafe, the three-in-one machine that makes a espresso, drip coffee, and cold brew. No barista skills required. You're listening to Comedy Central. Yep, it's Groundhog Day. We call it that. I can't get to sit there. We go with Groundhog Day, because this is the day when Donald Trump sees Epstein's shadow, and we get six more weeks of not knowing who any of the co-conspirators are in this multinational sex trafficking case, and also because Punks of Tony Phil is all over the files. Is that all I say? Is that to scale by any chance? That may be the biggest f***ing Groundhog. They literally look like they actually look like they could be friends. They'll come in and park the Tony Phil. The point I'm trying to make is the Epstein files thing. We've been through this before. Donald Trump revelations about his relationship with Jeffrey Epstein. The MAGA fault line seems to be widening from a fracture, breaking news, a big break. Republicans breaking with Trump on Epstein. The dam could potentially be breaking here with MAGA. The beginning of the end of the Trump presidency. After a million more documents in the Epstein files were discovered last week, will this fracture become a lasting irreversible break? I'm gonna go with no. God, you guys are adorable. The chances of this breaking MAGA are actually worse than Trump, just lowering the age of consent to be done with the whole f***ing thing. Which is that... I didn't say we were doing it. Which is not to say there is an awful shit in this new Epstein dump. It was a veritable who's who? Of who you imagine wanted someone to touch their hughoo. Allegedly, Lucknik, Bannon, Musk, Summers, Gates, Clinton, Tish, Melania, the guy who directed Melania. Prince Andrew and Sir Richard Branson. I don't think any of us will ever masturbate again. And of course, the star of our show, Donald Josephine Trump, who thousands of mentions render Trump as kind of a necessary backdrop through the entirety of the Epstein files, kind of like New York City in a Woody Allen movie, which coincidentally is at propos, because he's also in the files. And of course to get ahead of the story, I am also in the files. We all searched our names, right? You guys in search your name? All right, well, yeah, no, I know. Whatever. I am in the files. All right, this is actually true. I take you to the scene. It is midnight. August 29th, 2015. Jeffrey Epstein lies wide awake. His mind turning with ideas. He jots a quick note to a producer named Barry Josephson saying, I suggested to Woody, y'all know which Woody, right? It's the Epstein files. It ain't Haroldson. All right. Or the cowboy toy story. You know which Woody would do. I suggested to Woody that he do an exclusive new stand-up routine for either Apple TV or Amazon. Oh, Jeffrey Epstein always had his finger on the pulse of what America was clamoring for in 2015. But Barry Josephson, thinking like the outer-the-box television professional that he was, pitched to this idea. This is true, quote. Make a true biographical experience with his stand-up being the capper. Somebody like John Stewart could host slash narrate the biographical part. Excuse me? I am offended. Somebody like John Stewart? Or John Stewart? My point is, do I have the offer or is this in audition? Perhaps some more extensive references were reserved for members of the billionaire class who traveled in Epstein's circles, including the billionaireiest of them all. New emails from billionaire Elon Musk and Epstein coordinating a possible visit to the financiers in Famous Island. You want to say, do you have any parties planned? I really want to hit the party scene in St. Bart's or elsewhere and let loose. I'm sorry, I hate you do this. Can we zoom in on the email on that please? Christmas Day? Oh my goodness. You're asking if Jeff Epstein's got any parties planned on the island? Oh, Christmas Day? I mean, look. Christmas is 10s time. We've all had that feeling trapped in the house with the in-laws and 14 to 16 of our children over the holidays. But generally Elon, the wonderlust doesn't really hit till the 28th of the 29th. But Christmas morning? You f***ing emailed Epstein Christmas, dear his Jeffrey. I've just seen the joy in all my children's faces as they open their gifts. Get me the f*** out of here. And ever since those revelations, Elon has been, how do the kids say it, crashing out? He's posted about the Epstein files more than 85 times over the last two days. Oddly enough, mostly on Bluska. No, I'm just kidding. And if I may, Elon, slow down, brother. You got to make some time for tweeting about the white genocide too. Life's a balance. But this is obviously important at Elon. So, all right, give us the best argument for your innocence. Musk denies any wrongdoing. Writing over the weekend, if I actually wanted to spend my time partying with young women, he would be trivial for me to do so without the help of a creepy loser like Epstein. I could do what Epstein does on my own. Is not the moral clarity we were expecting here. But my favorite part of the Musk Epstein emails, you ever have a friend where you don't really share this? Where you don't really share the same sense of humor, but you share the same interests? And they share the same interests? Epstein writes him and says, Any plans for New York, the opening of the General Assembly of the UN, has many interesting people coming to the house. Hmm, many interesting people, Elon. Wait, wait. Get it? Elon replies, I run and lead product design engineering for two complicated companies. Flying to New York to see UN diplomats do nothing would be an unwise use of time. I'm sorry, Jeffrey, could you make it a little more obvious for your friend? To which, Jeffrey Epstein replies, Do you think I am retarded just kidding? There is no one over 25 and all very cute. Oh, what the f***? We both have that friend. Why would I go to the bathroom with you to go skiing? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Skying is an outdoor sports requiring a mountain and a quitchment and a ooo. I see. Now, another big name in the files is Commerce Secretary Howard Lautnick, which in itself is not big news because since Lautnick admitted that he met Epstein in 2005 and then said he immediately cut off all contact. You know what? I won't let me let him tell the story. I say to him, massage table in the middle of your house, how often you have a massage? And he says, every day. And then he gets like, weirdly close to me. And he says, and the right kind of massage. Is she out to? Like a deep tissue or a loamy... Look, his dick. I'm sorry, it's about... I apologize. It's... Okay, yeah, yeah. And he's talking about a dick massage. I... I... Go to the bathroom and go skiing. Okay, dick massage. Understood. Carry on with the story. And in the sixth grade steps it takes to get from his house to my house. Wait a second! Hold on! You live six steps from Jeffrey Epstein? Six steps. Jeffrey Epstein's house was six steps. That's how f*** up housing is in New York City. Even billionaires don't get to live more than six steps away from each other. Imagine how the rest of us live in this habit trail hellhole. I'm... I'm sorry, anyway, carry on. And in the sixth grade steps it takes to get from his house to my house. My wife and I decided that I will never be in the room with that disgusting person ever again. Oh, yeah, I'm sure. No, no, no. No, no, no. You and your wife decided, yes, yes. No, no, no. Your wife and you were both outraged. Oh, you walked out of there like, honey, that guy, what a creepo. I mean, to think there's a guy with massage tables and a sex swing in a dildo room just six steps from our house. I mean, believe me, honey, you'll never catch me commuting to f*** up palas Avenue ever again. Right, honey, you trust me, right? And so he never returned. Unto? Files released today showed that Howard Lutnik tried to meet or call with Epstein several times after 2005. Buh. Buh. Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh, Buh. Yes, Jeffrey, it's me. Howard Lutnik. I'm on your stoop right now. I just want to remind you, sir, I am disgusted and appalled. I'd have a tremendous amount of tension in my trapezius muscle. You would never know the right kind of massage. My balls hurt. It's my one man show called Lutnik on the stoop. By the way, wasn't just Republicans in this emailed up. Yet Bill Clinton pictures having his cake and oggling it too. Economist Larry Summers, seeing if someone was available to rub his Phillips curve. Look it up. And Bill Gates apparently getting gonorrhea from a Russian hooker. Allegedly. Yeah, f***ing true. Goddamn it, Clippy! Not now, Clippy! You're not helping. F***ing clippy. All these names, all these emails, images and videos. What do they amount to? Lots of additional pictures and documents, but there is nothing in the Epstein files released. The shows anyone knew can be prosecuted. Of course, they can't be. It's completely believable that Epstein and Glingmaxwell are solely responsible for supposedly KGB and Mossad, billion dollar multinational sex trafficking. It's really a mom and pop operation. I think that's pretty clear. You've already seen the millions of documents that the FBI has worked on for months to flag mentions of Donald Trump. I'm sure the 2.5 million remaining documents that we haven't seen will be no different. Trump, lawyer and also guy in charge of files that might implicate Donald Trump. This review is over. Okay, well, I'm satisfied. That's fine. No further questions. Look, man, we always knew that the people at DOJ releasing these documents weren't on a fat finding mission. They were running interference. And the guy they're running interference for seems very satisfied with these results. I didn't see it myself, but I was told by some very important people that not only does it absolve me, it's the opposite of what people were hoping, you know, the red and the blue. I'm totally innocent. I mean, look at me. Do I look like the kind of a guy would fly around on a billionaire's sex plane? None of these dudes. They've been on the plane. They've been on the island. They've been to his house. They've given him creepy cards with pubic hair. They've been accused by a multitude of women of a multitude of wrongdoings. And nothing has happened to any of them. Any of them. Oh, except Prince Andrew. Oh, Prince Andrew stripped of the title Prince. Ooh, such a penalty. Now it's just Andrew Mountbatten Windsor. Ooh, one more time, buddy. And you'll be busted down to Andy Mountbatten Windsor. You know, I got to be honest. I'm just not sure anybody is going to be held accountable for any of this. I have nothing to do with Jeff Rebson. In fact, if you look at the DOJ, they announced, you know, they released three million pages. It's like this is all they're supposed to be doing. And frankly, the DOJ, I think, should just say we have other things to do. And boy, and boy does the DOJ have other things to do. You know, looking into this decades-long sex trafficking network for the rich and powerful is stopping the DOJ from getting the people who really deserve to be punished. You are here illegally. You got to go. Why? Because you're breaking the law. No one is above the law. This creates a two-tiered system. There's no accountability. There's no enforcement. It breeds fruit and crime and all of the other problems that come. I want sanctuary city policy to end. But yeah, no, you're right. We got to end the two-tiered system of accountability. And to quote Lindsey Graham there, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Sanctuary city policies have to end. Well, after watching the politically well-connected skirt any form of legal accountability for horrible f***ing crimes, it seems pretty clear to me that there is a sanctuary city in this country. But guess what? This kid don't live in it. The real sanctuary city is where money and power protect you from the consequences of sex trafficking or influence peddling or taking half a billion dollars and giving away America's AI infrastructure. Not the small Midwestern city where trying to help a lady get up after she gets maced gets you shot in the back of the f***ing head. That's the real sanctuary city. And these are the motherf***ers who live there. Get me the right picture. Yeah. Cafe quality brews without a barista. That's the Ninja Lux Cafe. Yep, no skills needed. Rich espresso, balanced drip coffee, rapid cold brew. All made by you because barista assist technology handles the details. Grinding, weighing, brewing, so you don't have to. Finished with silky microphone made with dairy or plant-based milk. Hot or cold, hands-free, still no skills needed. From first timer to full-blown coffee fan, you can brew it all. Brew it all with the Ninja Lux Cafe. No skills needed. Cafe quality coffee without the guesswork. Make espresso, drip coffee, cold brew, and more with the Ninja Lux Cafe. Listeners of this show get $60 off the Ninja Lux Cafe premiere series with the code Stuart, exclusive on SharkNinja.com, while supplies last. That's $60 off the Ninja Lux Cafe premiere series with code Stuart, exclusively on SharkNinja.com, while supplies last. Super Bowl, Lix is right around the corner and everyone's excited for the bad bunny half-time show. And by... And by everyone, I mean the radical woke communists who hate America. The NFL just chose the bad bunny rabbit or whatever's name this guy who hates ice. And he doesn't sing in English. Someone who hates America. Who wants to watch a man wearing a dress anyway? It is woke puke. Bad Bunny's lyrics contain every sexual term possible in the most explicit and severe sexual terminology possible. The lyric is, where are the horny ladies? One more dance and we're gonna call the Vatican. I was in hell when I found a devil. I mean, is this who you want as your half-time entertainment? I mean, oh my god. Is anyone else as mad and horny as I am right now? So yeah, there's no way Americans are gonna want to watch the performance by the most popular musician in America. But good news. There's a half-time alternative. And it's not just turning that seven-layer dip into a seven-layer poop. You want to tune out the woke nonsense that the NFL is promoting during the half-time show, then tune in to Turning Point USA's All American Half-Time Show. Their lineup just dropped friends and it's fire. Now this Sunday, Patriots like Kid Rock, Brent Lee Gilbert, Lee Bryce and Gabby Barrett are performing right when half-time starts for the NFL. Woo! Huh? Man, that is a real who's who of who? We've got Gabby Barrett, Brent Lee Gilbert, Garby Billet, Billy Garvin, Brely Grabbers, Bobby Glaber, Gaggy Bopples, Barnacle Gasperty, Bebet Gingl-Tree, Hall of Graham, Hulk Hogan, Gregorly BankleBob, Kid Rock, and Kid Rock's Father Adult Rock. So yeah. It's great. This is great. You know all those musicians, unbelievable. It's great that there's a conservative half-time show, but what we really need is an alternative to the ultra-woke puppy ball, okay? Who's a good boy? Who's a good girl? Why are they so obsessed with gender? Let's move on. The midterm elections are coming up and things are not looking good for my boy, Donald Trump. His approval rating is in the toilet and Democrats have been overperforming in every special election since he took office. Last week, they won an election in deep red Texas by 14 points. Woo! Woo! Yeah. So let's give it up for Lee Womgans. Let's hear Lee Womgans. Woo! Okay, just so you know, Lee Womgans was the Republican, you idiots. Good job following the news. But still, if Trump wants to avoid a blowout in the midterm, he's going to have to do something. Well, he could change his policies. He could slow down the rampant corruption. He could find less adorable kids to deport, so it's like, who cares? So, Mr. President, what's it going to be? Donald Trump once again floated the idea of canceling the midterms. He boasted that he had accomplished so much that when you think of it, we shouldn't even have an election. Nice. Yikes. Look, I do get the joy of canceling plans. No one loves bailing on drinks or a work dinner or my kid's piano recital more than me. But you can't cancel elections. Voting is the most American thing you can do besides, well, not voting. And forgive me for being serious for a moment. But the President suggesting that he might cancel the midterms appears to be the inflection point toward a dictatorship from which our nation cannot return. This is serious. The President was simply joking. Oh! That is a joke! Forget it! It was a joke! Phew, that is a relief. Oh my God. I guess I was worried that it wasn't a joke because it's a little unusual for a President to joke about canceling an election. And also this particular President actually did try to overturn an election. So I guess I don't get the joke. Can someone in the press court please ask the White House what was funny about this? Are you saying that the President finds the idea of canceling elections funny? Andrew, were you in the room? No, you weren't. I was in the room. I heard the conversation. Huh, okay. It was that you had to be there thing. But none of us be there. If I was in the room, then I would have gotten it from his tone. It's like when Chris Rock tells a joke about Black people. It works in the room. But it doesn't work later when Stephen Miller retells it had a clan made it. But this is... That's why we have a press to hold these people accountable. You can't blame the reporter for asking. That guy's from being depended. A British paper. And he is actually a weedy. And I hope that gets back to him. That guy is such a nerd. People like that. I mean, that's why we hate the media. They're just nerds. Lighten up. Yeah. What a f***ing nerd. It's okay. I've learned my lesson. The president was just joking about this election stuff. And I'm a cool guy. I get jokes. So I'm going to take all this much less seriously. This morning, President Trump trying to exert more control over the nation's elections, saying Republicans should quote, take over the voting. Okay, okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay, this sounds scary. But I know now it's probably just another hilarious joke. Let's take over the elections. I'm going to cancel the midterms. I'm going to be president forever. I bet once you hear him actually say it, we'll get how funny it is. The Republicans should say we want to take over. We should take over the voting. And at least many, 15 places. The Republicans order nationalize the voting. This all looks and sounds pretty bad. If Trump does even have the things he's saying, our democracy will be less recognizable than the lineup of the TPUSA halftime show. Don't make me use it again. The only thing that's giving me so far is that this is just talk. Okay. If Trump was really going to meddle with the midterms, he'd be laying the groundwork by manufacturing evidence that there's widespread election fraud. And he's not doing that, right? Right? Right? Happening now, the FBI has seized all of the 2020 election ballots from Fulton County, Georgia. It's part of the Justice Department's effort to look for alleged voter fraud. President Trump keeps pushing this baseless claim that the 2020 election was stolen. Holy shit, two things. First of all, Trump, you got to get over 2020, man. I mean, 2020 is over. You don't see the rest of us being grateful for essential workers anymore, move on. And secondly, I think it's pretty clear that Trump is not joking about meddling in the election this year. And the only way we can prevent it is if everyone stands up to stop him, especially Republicans. I'm talking Mike Johnson, Lindsey Graham, Gabby Barrett, Brandley Gilbert, Bork Gutman, Gunk Butters, Griff Bortman, and of course, Brickley Gobblebottom. I'm gonna cannot wait for this half-time show. Oh my God! A thoughtfully built wardrobe comes down to pieces that mix well and last. That is where Quince shines, utilizing premium fabrics, considered design, and everyday essentials that feel effortless to wear and dependable, even as the seasons begin to change. Quince provides versatile staples like lightweight Mongolian cashmere sweaters, short sleeve Mongolian cashmere polos, and breathable European jersey linen shorts. 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Government shock troops are rampaging through the streets. Billionaires are stripping our last remaining news outlets for parts, and I just bought a pint of raspberries that cost $43. But don't worry, President Trump has an announcement that's going to turn everything around. America is back. There's a new hat we just came up. America is back. America is back. Thanks for that inspiring half-time speech coach. Team, I know we're down 55 to zero, but on the other hand, I made a hat. Hope that helps. Good luck in the second half. It's bad enough they release hats as often as iPhone updates, but it doesn't even look like Trump's heart is in this one. Can someone ask him a fun question to cheer him up a bit? And please, make sure it's not about a subject that he's desperately trying to avoid. A lot of women who were our survivors of that scene are unhappy with those redactions that came out. Some of them entire witness interviews are totally blocked out. Caitlin Collins, I, Iksney on the dead Edo file pay. This is supposed to be a fun merch drop. Trying to hold the president to account is really killing the vibe here. Mr. President, why don't you answer the question in the dignified and respectable manner that we've come to expect? You know, she's a young woman. I don't think I've ever seen you smile. I've known you for ten years. I don't think I've ever seen a smile in a face. I'm asking you about surviving. You know why you're not smiling? Because you know you're not telling the truth. Damn. That is messed up. Can I talk to the president alone for just a second? I don't know if there's ever a time to tell reporter to smile. But I'm almost positive. It's not when she's asking you about sex trafficking victims. I mean, even... Even if she did smile, would that make it better? Hey, I'd like to ask you about that pedophile ring. But to be fair to the president, he's really tired of being asked all these questions that he refuses to answer. I think it's a way of time for the country to get onto something else. Yeah. Yeah, of course you want to move on to something else. I would too. If I was in the Epstein files thousands of times, I feel the same way when the IRS tries to audit me. Hey, guys, I appreciate your interest, but me and my business jacuzzi are ready to move on. But you know what? Donald Trump is right about one thing. There are a lot of other important issues to focus on, like what exactly? The president has announced his intention to build a giant arch across from the Lincoln Memorial. Weeeeee! I'm the president. My arch is going to fly. And now it's fighting Godzilla. And now it's telling Barbie to smile. And now it's marrying the Washington Monument off. Oh, yeah. Is that what you guys laugh at? So it's like, oh, no, no, no. Okay, so the president has decided to spend his time building a giant arch. How giant are we talking? The Washington Post reports it could stand as high as 250 feet, just 40 feet shorter than the US Capitol. Two people say he's going to touch to the idea, despite some architectural experts being alarmed by the scale. John, I like it to be the biggest one of them. Wow, get excited. People Trump is building Washington DC's hottest suicide destination. First off, it's never good when the architectural experts use the word alarmed. And secondly, do we need the world's biggest arch? This is how you can tell Trump doesn't live with Mulania full-time. Because this is one of those ideas men have when they're home alone for too long. Whenever my wife goes away two days into her trip, I'm like, actually, you know, we do need a skate park in this living room. I don't... And as for the arch design, it's basically just copying the Arctic triumphant. And honestly, if we're going to be derivative of France, that's not just subtle for their arches. How about socialized health care? Or even better, the right to... Yeah. Or even better, the right to start a riot when your boss emails you after a fight. But, five... But five... But five. I guess, go build your arch. Then we can get back to those important issues that you are so eager for America to return to, so what do you got? President Trump announcing he will shut down the Kennedy Center for two years for a top-to-bottom renovation. Oh, no! The Trump is shutting down the Kennedy Center for two years! But I promised my wife we'd go see the Bulgarian national modern jazz dance company damn you Trump. Strange he's doing this now. Since they already renovated the Kennedy Center, the last time he was president, there can't be another reason he wants to shut it down for two years, right? Right? Right? That planned closures coming after a slew of artists, cancelled performances once the president purged the Kennedy Center's board, naming himself Chairman and putting his own name on the building. Ah, yeah. He decided to close the Kennedy Center. The same way your friend who collects dolls decided to become celibate. Come on, Trump, you can replace those performers. There's plenty of great conservative artists like Nicki Minaj and Kanye West, and I'm sure someone else will also have a mental breakdown soon. Also, hasn't the Kennedy family been through enough? The assassinations, the scandals? Spending Thanksgiving with RFK Jr. instead of Turkey, I spatched Cock to Raccoon. But fine, I'll give you the arch, and I'll give you the Kennedy Center. Just please, for the love of God, stop building stuff and focus on your actual job. The president has shared what he calls the first public rendering of the future White House ballroom. The estimated cost of the project is skyrocket from 200 million to now 400 million. Oh, that's right, the ballroom. I mean, I guess it doesn't suck. But for 400 million dollars, it's definitely not blowing me away. I mean, who designed this thing? Frank Lloyd, just alright? Architecture's fired! Let's sum up how we got here. The president of the United States is in the Oval Office, insulting professional reporters for asking about his administrations, mishandling of the highest profile sex trafficking case in American history. And instead of answering these questions, he'd rather spend his time on his construction fetish of building his arch, a new Kennedy Center, in a giant ballroom he and his friends condense in, while the rest of the country collapses around them. Or, in other words, America is back. God. That enthusiasm is infectious. It's been a month since U.S. forces captured Nicholas Maduro, right out of his Venezuelan compound, and sent him to Brooklyn to serve out his life as a barista in Bushwick. And if you're wondering how a military run by these two geniuses were able to pull off that operation, turns out they had a little help. President Trump just told the New York Post that a secret new U.S. weapon was used in that operation that captured Maduro. Just shut down Venezuelan equipment. He said the discombobulator. The discombobulator? That sounds like the worst ride at six flags. Don't go over there doing somebody puked in the discombobulator. Personally, I don't think our most advanced new weapons should have whimsical names. If I'm shot by a laser that liquefies my organs until they leak out of my eyes, I don't want it to tell my family that I was dinky-zoinked to death. Can anyone follow up with the president about this weapon? You talked about the weapon, the discombobulator. What discombobular? Well, I'm not allowed to talk about it. But what does that do? Let me just tell you, you know what it does? None of their equipment works. That's what it does. Okay. You said you're not allowed to talk about it, but it kind of feels like you talked about it. This dude cannot keep a secret. This is how you know there's no aliens. Because day one, Trump would have been like, I'm not supposed to say anything, but they have three boobs. But thanks. Yeah, three boobs, hell yeah. Hell yeah. I love this obvious. But thanks for the lowdown on the discombobulator, by the way. What the f*** came up with this name? It was my name, I'm very proud of the name. Yeah. And it is a great name, Mr. President. It does not sound like a weapon in Paw Patrol at all. But so, can you be a bit more specific about how the discombobulator discombobulates? Is it a laser beam or electrical pulse? Everything was discombobulated. It was practically a shot. You know, they were ready. Right. And when we came, they couldn't do anything. You saw this in the video. You could tell. Tom, it discombobulated everything. Tom, you f***ing idiots. What part of discombobulator don't you understand? Do you think I'm just talking nonsense here? This is almost unbelievable. Trump is announcing a secret weapon that disarms the enemy and ruins their equipment and disables their soldiers. This sounds too good to be true. A senior US official tells us, Senator, that Trump may be conflating several capabilities into a single weapon that doesn't actually exist. So, I'm starting to think the president might have walked in front of the discombobulator. Let's move on to the story that's been discombobulating the entire world. Everybody is still binging the latest season of the Epstein file. So, let's get into all the fallout in another installment of the very normal and not shady handling of the Epstein files. It's pretty boring stuff. For the past week, people have been pouring over the Epstein files and learning all the connections he had to the rich and powerful. Few people have been as disgraced as former Prince Andrew. But somehow, this next batch has made him even disgraceier. Former Prince Andrew has moved out of his longtime winter home, his brother, the king, evicting him from the royal estate over his lengths to Jeffrey Epstein. Wow, kicked out by his own brother, who is also his second cousin and his fifth uncle, 12th removed. The point is, there's a lot of incest in the royal family. Glad he's getting evicted, and I think we can all agree. It is much funnier when a British pedophile has to go door to door in their new neighborhood like, oh, hey, Gavin, I'm a pito, isn't it? Cheerio. Anyway, let's check out the shithole that former Prince Andrews be insent to. Andrew has moved to a cottage on the king's private estate in Sandringham, far from the public eye. Sandringham is a sprawling estate. It sets on 80 square kilometres of grounds. There are multiple houses and cottages that are on this side. Oh, no. Not a cottage on the private estate. Only two butlers. And are we sure we want Prince Andrew far from the public eye? That's kind of how we got into this mess. If you ask me, he should have a 24-hour webcam on, on like a pregnant giraffe at the zoo. How is it that it's impossible for any regular person to find affordable real estate in their giving away fancy cottages to alleged pedophiles? Next time I go to an open house, I'm going to be like, honey, tell him you're 12. Look, nobody's going to shed a tear for a prince who has to downsize to the bad palace, but the ones that I truly feel bad for are the spouses. Imagine being Andrew's ex-wife, Sarah Ferguson right now. How devastated she must be to learn that her husband had so many links with Jeffrey Epstein. The former prince's ex-wife, Sarah Ferguson, is back in the headlines for her links to Epstein. The latest files revealing emails she sent to Epstein after he was found guilty of soliciting a minor for prostitution in 2008. You are a legend. I really don't have the words to describe my love, gratitude for your generosity and kindness. Kiss, kiss. I'm at your service. Just marry me. Wow. Wow. That is the worst thing Fergie has ever written. And yes, I'm including the Let's Get Retarded Song. You want to Jeffrey Epstein to be your husband? Really dodged a bullet, Fergie. He could have said yes, and then you would have ended up married to a huge pedophile, oh wait. Either way, I am very happy to present Sarah Ferguson with this lifetime achievement award for having the worst taste in men. Congratulations, Fergie. Better luck next time, Cheryl Hines. Hey, hey. It's an honor just to be nominated. So yeah, this isn't a good look. And based on what happened to Andrew, I assume Fergie will be facing some sort of consequences on her own. On Monday evening, Ferguson's Charitable Foundation, Sarah's Trust, announced it will shortly close for the foreseeable future. Ah, the charity is shutting down. That doesn't seem fair. Sorry, kids. The Dutchess emailed a pedophile, so no mosquito nets for you. Now look, nobody enjoys watching the British Royal Family square more than me. I'm still mad about that whole stamp tax thing. But if we're talking about fallout from associating with Jeffrey Epstein, I think there might be someone else who should be facing some consequences? Like, like, not a royal, more like a politician in Slovakia. A top advisor to the Prime Minister has resigned. After emails showed he met with Epstein in 2018. No, no, not some minister in Slovakia. It's not even a real place. When I said certain politicians should be held accountable, I meant, you know, like, someone running a country. Is there's a world leader facing a political crisis over the Epstein files that's British Prime Minister Kierstarmher? No, no, no, not Great Britain. That's not even a real place. Look, I'm going to be very clear about this. The President of the United States. Someone needs to demand answers from the US President. Former President Bill Clinton agreed to testify in a House Oversight Committee Epstein probe. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! Not a former pre-you know what? F***** it. Everybody in the damn files is gonna face consequences except for Donald Trump. And on top of that, he must be so happy that his nemesis, Bill Clinton, is getting in trouble for this. It bothers me that somebody's going after Bill Clinton. See, I like Bill Clinton. I still like Bill Clinton. What do you like about him? I like, well, I like his behavior toward me. I thought he got me, he understood me. What? He likes Bill Clinton now? Either Trump just wants to get on Clinton's good side before he testifies about Epstein, or this is just a game, recognize game moment. I'd like to acknowledge that we're standing on Sacred Land where Bill Clinton got a hummer from an intern. Props to the OG. I can barely wrap my head around all the twists and turns in this story. Trump is in the Epstein files, maybe more than anyone, but Bill Clinton is the only one who has to testify about it, but instead of being happy about that, Trump is upset. I feel like I'm losing my mind. This whole thing, it just, it has me, I don't know. Discombobulated. Exactly, that's what I was looking for. Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch the Daily Show weeknight at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast.