Futility

So we had just found out it was a good possibility that the Ned and Lorene Watson that were in our house weren't actually Ned and Lorene Watson, who probably aren't related to any famous people who have allegation. I'm getting off the tracks here. point I'm making is when Ralph and I went to confront the supposed Nan and Lorene Watson that's in this house they were gone. We have no idea where they went. So we began searching this old farmhouse looking for them and then Ralph claims he heard a noise coming from the basement. So he went to the door that was at the top of the stairs leading to the basement opened it up and began shouting down there to see who was down there. At first there wasn't a response and then from somewhere deep inside the void a female voice called out it was Anita, Ralph's girlfriend. Anita what are you doing down there? The hell? Ralph do you like shellfish? Shell? Yeah I guess. Well good cause there's a nice musty clam waiting for you down here. Ew. Now be a good boy and come and get it. Oh hell yeah. Here I come baby. Ralph tell me twice. No no no no no no no get back there. Come on, let go of me, dude. Don't be an idiot, man. Hey, what the fuck are you doing? What am I, what are you doing? You can't go down there. Why the shit not? Because that's probably not Anita down there. Dude, you hear her voice plain as day, dude. No. It's clearly her. Ask yourself, how did she get here and why is she in the basement? I don't know, maybe she came over and she said, oh, I bet you they're hanging out in the dark basement and went down there, dude, waiting for me. She's probably spread eagle on a bed or something down there. Why would she think that's... What's ew? No, it's not ew. It's clear as day at this point. What is clear? The fact that whatever is haunting us is mimicking people that we know. What are you saying, dude? It's clearly taking on different shapes. It's a shape-shifter, dude. A what? It's a fucking shape-shifter. A shape-shifter? Shut the fuck up, Brandon. Yeah. No, suck you, Anita. No, suck you. You are a fucking butner jerk of life. No, you are. Anita, he poses a good question. What are you doing down there? Don't worry about it, Ralphie. Well, I am. Don't you want to come down here and pound it out in the cold, dark basement? I'd love to pound it out, but it kind of gives me the willies down there. Quit being a giant puss-puss, Ralph. Well, I'm not trying to be a puss-puss, but you know... Ralph, pull it together. Dude, I don't know what to do, dude. I'll tell you what to do. Don't go down there. That is not the real Anita. But how can you be sure? I'm not sure, but we can't trust this after the whole Ned and Lorraine thing. Yeah. We can't. Fuck. It's clearly some kind of a demonic presence mimicking people that we know down there. I think you might be right, dude. And it's trying to lure you down there to probably kill you, man. Shit, yeah, I think you might be right, dude. Oh, God. Yes, of course I'm fucking right. Now stop being stupid, okay? Brandon, help. Faye? I'm down here, too. Really? Come save me. You got it! I'm coming! Dude! Dude! Dude! Hey! Come here! Breaking news out of Durland County today as two local men were supposed to be starting a brand new chapter of their life and, uh... Hello? Hello? Hello, is someone there? Hello. Oh, what the hell is going on? Someone can't lose me I'm gonna cry Please don't be up on I wanna make it through the night I wanna leave Something's gotta give I don't know if I'm gonna make it out. I just wanna make it out. Dude, that is not the real thing, remember? What if it is? Get it together. Don't listen to that fat old prick. Fuck you. I don't want to. He is lying to you. I'm not lying, dude. Look, I didn't want to say anything, but the other day, Ralph hit on me. What? I did not, dude. Did you hit on her? Faye, how do I know that you're telling the truth? Well, he told me that if we hooked up and did but stuff, it would be rock. Hard. Sticks. Dude, that sounds exactly like you. I did not do any of that. You couldn't stand it, man. You couldn't keep your fucking hands to yourself, could you? No way, dude. Did you say butt stuff? She did. Oh my God. Dude, don't listen to her, okay? She's gonna tell you stuff to turn you against me. No. And then she's just gonna tell you stuff that you wanna hear. No, she's not. All right? No, she's not just gonna say stuff I wanna hear, okay? She is, though. Brandon, please just come on down and I'll watch you jam on your guitar, then we will watch a bunch of adult cartoons, drink a shitload of juice, and take naps like 40-year-olds living in their mom's basement. See, dude? That sounds amazing, but it's actually, it's my dad's basement, though. It's exactly what you want, dude. Mom, dad, same diff, yo. It's not really the same diff, yo. It's not the same. Okay, then, I guess we'll just have to come up there. Why would you come up here? I'm about to come down there. Well, how else are we gonna find out what your skin tastes like? Holy shit. That's a good question. I don't know. Wait, what? Wait, Faye. Dude, get it together. What is your plan here? We want to harvest your organs and consume every last bit of you. Oh my god, dude. So you guys are demons? OMG, are you cereal? What? Yeah. There are no fucking demons, you turkey burger. You're a fucking... What are you then? I'd rather we are Gotham's reckoning. What? Bane? I mean your reckoning. Oh. Oh my god, they're... Well, then we'll just kick the shit out of you. Your attempts will be futile. You cannot win. Why don't you think we can win? Because you two are pathetic. She's got us there. Okay, Faye, I mean, what do you think we should do? I mean, should we run or what? Yeah, let's run. If you're going to try and run, you'd better do it now. Okay, we're going to try that. Yeah, thanks. I'll talk to you in a little bit, okay? What? Close that door. I'll talk to you in a little bit. What? Come on. I was being polite. Come on, dude. Look, come over here. Help me barricade the door. Let's get this couch. Come here. Okay. Grab the other side. Here, lift it. All right, lift with your knees, dude. All right, drag it. I'm trying, dude. We're dragging in the opposite direction. A little bit this way. Okay, right there. Okay, and we're almost there, dude. Got it. Here. There, drop it. Okay. All right, that's going to buy us, what, a few minutes? Yeah, probably. What's the plan, dude? Okay, so... What? I've seen this movie before. Wait, this is a movie? No, it's a saying. I'm just saying... What? Look. Okay. We have to be very careful. Okay? We do? Yes. Okay. So this is like every fucking horror movie I've seen. Okay? And we have to be- Now I get what you're saying. Super hyper-focused- Okay. To not make any classic horror movie mistakes. Okay? Like what? I don't know. We need to think about it, you know? Oh, shit. The hell? What is it? It's a county-wide warning. A warning? From the Durland County Sheriff's. It's a shelter-in-place order. Apparently there's a killer, serial killer on the loose or something. Holy shit. Says lock your doors and stay inside. We can't think about that now. What's the plan, dude? Right. Okay, what I'm thinking, okay. We don't want to make any classic horror movie mistakes, so you run upstairs and hide. I going to run out to the car and I going to drive the fuck out of here Okay sounds good dude All right On the count of three One two I three Do that Fuck Alright first thing people do wrong in movies is never just leave They always run up the stairs. Suck you, Ralph. There's the car. Aw, fuck! The keys! Oh, they went under the car. Okay, come on, reach warm. Where are they? Where are you? Come on. Come on, where? Oh, got them. There, there. Oh, shit, the tires are flat. I can't drive. Oh, fuck. Go back inside. Fuck it. Oh, boy. Ah, shit. Fucking flat tires. Can't drive a car with flat tires. Oh, shit. Can't fuck this up. Gotta get up the stairs. Shit. Okay, now what? Go in here. Close it. That's kind of a fun noise. Like an instrument. Alright, now what? I guess there's nothing to do. Oh, Ralphie, where are you? Oh, shit. Ralph, come out and play Yay of Course. Of course what? Anita? Is that you? Alright. Shit, it's cold. What would they do in a horror movie? They'd try to run away outside. Alright, so get back inside. That's the smart move here. Okay. Plus it's fucking freezing. Hello? Oh, shit! Oh, that was close. It's icy. Anyone in there? It's dark. I can't see anyone. Alright. Fuck it. Okay. Hello? Anita? Anita honey pumpkin ass was that you? whoa? it's Ralphie. no cap this is giving me the fucking spooks dude. Oh, Nita! Faye? Brian? This is not bussin'. On guard no cap dude. Not bussin'. Some real skibbity Ohio type shit. What the hell? Ah! Oh, my God, Anita. You scared the shit out. You're real. Of course, I am real, but I am not Anita. Oh, my God, was Randy right? You're a demon mimic? Are you seriously that dense, Ralph? Yes. I mean, come on. What? A mimic? Do I look like Mira Sorvino or whatever her name is? Yeah. Do you think Guillermo del Toro directed me here? No. No. No. I am not a mimic or a demon. Wait, you're not Anita. You're not a mimic. You're not a demon. And what are... Oh my God. Jack and Hagar. Oh my God, I knew it. Valor Magullus. Valor Magullus. Jack and Hagar? Yeah. Seriously? What? You watch way too much TV. No Ralph you dipshit fuckhole. I am not the faceless man. Well, shit. Well then what the shit are you? It doesn't matter what I am. What matters is why I am here. Why? To protect the world from devastation. What? To unite all people within our nation. Wait a minute. To denounce the evils of truth. Wait. What? See now, Brandon's past information is fucking my shit up the ass. What? I'm here to make the world a more proficient place. A happier place without the shortcomings of the human race by eradication if need be. Wait, wait, wait. Eradicate? Are you talking about killing? Oh, my God. Anita, I don't understand. Why did you target me and Brian then? It doesn't make sense. We just wanted to love you. Why us? Because you and that stupid shit fucker, Brandon, are the worst of the worst. Well, I wouldn't say that. And you've slowed our learning. Wait, we slowed your learning? What the hell are you talking about, Anita? Come on. We use your information and study your habits to learn to adapt. and you two have drastically slowed that process. So you have to go. What are you going to do? We will destroy every shred of evidence that you ever existed. No cap. Well, Anita, I got to admit, I mean, if you're looking to eradicate people who are slow in your learning by being stupid, then surely you've heard about my friend Charlie. He's the dumbest. Who? Charlie, my friend Charlie. Charlie? Yeah. I don't know no Charlie. Oh, sure you do. He's the guy with the weird foot, kind of walks like this. See what I'm doing here? He's got an ingrown heel, so he kind of starts out like this. No, doesn't seem familiar. No, well, what about when it walks like this a little bit? Oh, shit! Hey, wait just a goddamn minute. Get back here. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Ralph! What? Is there Violet at the door? Violet! Jesus Christ, she's freaking out. Oh boy. Alright, let's get away from it. It's freaking me out. Ralph! Hello? Anybody? Ralph? Faye? Fuck! Oh shit, dude! Fuck! Don't sneak up on me like that, you idiot! So apparently Ralph was laying in wait to ambush someone or something, I don't know. And I walked through the door and apparently he mistook me for Anita or something? whacked me over the head with a fucking cookie sheet. Shit hurt. But eventually I got my bearings back, and we came up with a better plan. Alright, it wasn't that much better. I'm sorry, dude. I thought you were Anita. Why? I don't even look like her. Well, I don't know. Your perfectly sculpted ass kind of didn't help. What the fuck? Well, you got a nice tuckish, dude. Really? Yeah, I mean, about 70 pounds lighter. I walk a lot. It shows, dude. Look, dude. What the fuck are you doing? Right. Dude, I had a run-in with Anita. Really? Okay, she told me what she's doing here. Okay, what's she doing? Well, she said she's not a mimic. Okay. Or a demon. Well, then what is she? I don't know. I don't really get it. She said that she was learning from our habits and all of our histories and stuff, and that me and you are too stupid and we're ruining their learning, dude. That doesn't make any sense. I know that's what I said. She said that she kept referring to herself as they. Okay. So I don't know if it's like a hive mind situation or something. Maybe she's the harbinger or something. I don't know. Oh, my God. But she said she's using our information and our habits and stuff to learn. And that she's trying to make the world a more proficient place. Oh, shit. You know what this sounds like? No. What? I think Skynet went online, dude. Skynet? Yeah. The fictional self artificial superintelligence from Terminator dude Yes Do you see Linda Hamilton running around I wish She awesome Have you seen John Connors No. Riding the motorcycle around here or dirt bike or whatever the shit. All right, maybe it's not actual Skynet, Ralph. Yeah, no cap, dude. This really seems like some kind of super artificial intelligence that is able to mimic people and is trying to eradicate the human race. Yeah, maybe. Their plans have deviated from ours. Okay. And now they're after us because we're slowing the process because we're too stupid. Well, yeah, so what do you propose? We have an advantage. What? We're not as stupid as they think we are. We're not? You are, but I'm not. Hey, suck you. You're dumber than I am, dude. Bullshit. Your IQ is like 200. Oh, fuck off. You are so stupid, dude. You're the one with fucking pogs. Hey, those are collector's items, dude. They are not. Oh, my God. No, they're not collector's items, man. Yes, they are, idiot. Alright, look. What? We have an upper hand out here, because we know their plan now. Okay? So we gotta thwart it, and we gotta avoid all classic mistakes of all these horror movies, and like Terminator and shit. Rock hard dick. Okay? So the first thing we gotta do is split up. Split up? Yeah, split up. Okay. Alright, alright. And avoid all necessary traps and cliches that you'd see in these movies, okay? What? What? Oh my god. You've seen movies, right? Yeah. Like horror movies and Terminator and stuff? Yes. Take what they did in those movies. Yes, sir. And do the opposite. The opposite. Okay? All right. All right. All right. Now, let's split up and try to figure out how to defeat these things. Okay. Hey, remember. What? Okay? That if it is like super intelligent AI. Okay. That they can take someone's voice and like analyze hours of data. They could have been listening to our phone calls, everything. and they look for our neural networks and all that shit to identify patterns and pitch, tone, intonation, rhythm, all that. Dude, what the fuck are you trying to say? I'm trying to say they can mimic anybody and you can't tell the difference, so don't trust anyone. Well, how do I know you're not AI right now? What? How do I know you're you? Because... I'm me, dude. I can't trust that. You can't. All right, look, we're gonna split up. I'm gonna go right over there, okay, right out that door. Ah, fuck! I had to be sure, dude. So Ralph and I split up one more time, began re-going through the house, seeing if there was any sign or clues on how we could defeat the evil AI. This is not good. Honestly, I'm kind of hoping I figure it out and they get Ralph. Then I'd have the house to myself. I wouldn't have to worry about it no more. but I'm also trying to fight off the heartbreak that Fae isn't real oh god oh I don't like this no I don't nope nope nope nope real 6-7 type shit whatever that means pretty sure it means nothing oh god oh shit hello Okay, let me just... Oh, sweet. I have just enough power on my phone to make one phone call. Okay. Oh, thank God. Thank God. Thank God. Thank God. All right. I need some help. Hello, thank you for calling. Mick Davis, this is Travis. How can I help you? Yeah, I'd like to place an order for delivery, please. Okay, go ahead with your order. Can I get a double chee... No, two double cheesies and some nug-nugs, please? Okay, double cheesies. Two double cheesies? Yeah. All right, and some nug-nugs. Yep. All right, can I have an address? Oh, shit. Fuck, I have to find something that has it on. Give me one... All right, well, hurry up, please. Yep, give me one second. Okay. Two cheeses to two double cheesies. Hello? Hello? Oh, fuck. All right, if anybody can help me, Teddy can. Come on, Teddy. Need your help, bud. Come on. Teddy! Yes! Hey! Hi there, it's me, Teddy Ruxpin. Hi, Teddy, it's Ralph! Today is the kind of day some people might not like very much. Okay. None of your friends are around. You have nothing to do except be destroyed. What? How can Teddy be of assistance today? Teddy, I'm trying to not get destroyed. Can you help? Teddy can help. You can't. But it's not going to be easy. What? Hold on. It's not? No. Oh, shit. Why not? Boy, I'll tell you, Ralph. You sure did make a lot of people angry. Yeah, but how, dude? On account of your brain doesn't work so good. Yeah, but don't worry. Old Teddy's here to help out. Okay, Teddy, what do I do? Just tell me. If you look just to your left there, you'll see a small door. I see it. Yeah. Inside that door is a very dark and scary crawl space. Okay. Why don't you crawl in there, Ralph? Well, find out what lies and wait for you. I'm not gonna lie, Teddy. It seems pretty sketch. What do you mean? Like, on God, no cap, this seems pretty sketch. I don't think I want to do that. Oh, come on, Ralph. What? Why don't you pull that Tampax out of your asshole... Hey! ...and crawl in there? Well, hold on. That spooky laugh makes me want to do it less, dude. No, that was a normal laugh. Look, Ted, I'm not going to lie to you, dude. You're coming off like a real Chad. No cap, dude. I kind of want to put you down right now, okay? Well, let's not do that. Let's not go that route. What? Don't you want to survive, Ralph? Well, yeah, of course I want to be safe and survive and stuff, dude. Then crawl in the crawl space. All right, I'll go in there. All right, but not because you told me to but only because I think if this was a movie They wouldn't do that whatever your logic. Okay. Yeah, just go in there Hold on what's with the laughter sorry, I didn't mean that okay, I'm going just shut up Try up here, I guess. I don't see anybody. Okay. Coast is clear. Try the back bedroom. Maybe there's something in there that we missed. Hello? Hello? Nope. No lights. Whoa. Oh, shit is dark. Okay. Well. Huh? Faye? No thanks. Oh my god. Oh my god. What the fuck? Who are you? Oh my god. Oh boy, you brought all your friends, didn't you? No thanks. Get the fuck out of here. What the fuck? Shit, I can't go back outside. Wait, why is the basement door open? Would they go down here in a movie? It's probably safe down there. Alright, yeah, let's do it. Let's go down in the basement. It's got to be safe down here. Ooh, slowly. Stop creaking. Hello? Hello Thank you Hello Hello Anybody Mom? Oh god. Fucking cold and dark and stinky down here. Hello? Hello? What the fuck is that? Is it a working computer down here? What are all these wires running to it? Oh shit. This is probably... Oh, this has to be tied to them. I should go tell Ralph. Back up here. Make sure the coast is clear. Slowly around the corner. Nothing. Nothing. Okay. Ralph! Ralph, are you up here? Dude. Where are you? Ralph. Ralph, you in here? What the fuck's the music box doing? Maybe Juniper could help. Okay, just gotta open it and wind it. Oh, shit. No, no, you can't. No. I can almost taste your fear. What? It's deep fucking vicious. Ew. Why don't you come check out what a real set of boobs looks like? Huh. Maybe you can touch them. They're nice and soft, like... What? Oh, shit. I don't know. What do boobs feel like? Why are you asking me? Gourd? Did you just say gourd? Go away! Nah, I ain't going anywhere. Fuck oh. Why don't you be a pal and open the door? No. Let Mama Anita see that concomer. What? My what? Your cummerbund. My cummerbund? Your trouser house. What? Trouser house? Your penal shaft. Your beaver basher. Beaver basher? Cranny axe. What? Cranny axe? Custard launcher. Custard? What are you talking about? Danger noodle. What the fuck? Love whistle. What? Humperdinck. My humperdinck? Pigskin bus. Pigskin bus? What is that? Your sex caliber sword of legend. Did you just say sex caliber sword of legend? Your wee wee. Oh! No thanks. Let me in now. No. Open the fucking door, you coward. No. I will cut you from ear to ear and rip your spine out of your dick, hole you puts. You're a puts. Open the door or else. Or else what? Or else. Next time on the Mysteries of Durlin County. No. When everything's in flames, give in to the fire. Do you have a name? Are we all the same? Tiptoe in the high wire. Skirting off the paint The past is in the frame I'm real tired Glanced with me through the grave A cool and constant rain We roll fire Down Your brain's fall down I sink to the ground I can't move There's no ground That don't keep round When lonely May you bleed Down, down, down Last race has passed Here it's all in the flash Nothing to do But never last So only take what you need Only take what you need Take what you need Take what you do I just realized When I pull the veil off of my eyes All I see are swirling skies Over cats with lies Yeah Everyone is always scared And no one is prepared Everything is always so goddamn unfair And no one cares No one cares Are you lost and alone? Gonna be okay Gonna be okay Are you scared of the night? Gonna be a brand new day Brand new day Are you angry and afraid Gonna be okay Gonna be okay Life will resolve Gonna be okay Gonna be okay Gonna be okay Gonna be okay You're gonna be okay It's gonna be okay I just realized When I pulled the veil off of my eyes All of the swirling skies were in my mind You don't need to be scared If you need a friend Then I'm right here Everything is gonna be alright Don't let them drag you down Don't let them drag you down The Mysteries of Duralin County is recorded in a basement on a shitty computer. Any and all character likenesses are purely coincidental and are products of our imagination. If you're enjoying the show, please feel free to leave a rating, review, refer some friends, do whatever, all that kind of stuff. Um, yeah.