#740 - FLUFFY + SAL VULCANO

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchCliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, Tony HinchCliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever! ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yee! Big applause for Brian Ray family. He's a gentleman live in the flesh. And oh my god, I've got one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? Fernando Casio, Raul Balejo, Carlos Sosa, Nachos Belgrade, Michael Gonzalez on the drums. We have a real fly here again. Fuck yeah. Backdoor must be open. I love it. We need the zapper. We need our tennis racket zapper. We got the great Matt Mueling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the keys. And this is D-Madness on the bass guitar, ladies and gentlemen. This episode is brought to you by Knit Talkspace and Quo. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Picture this. Me, Reese Witherspoon in London ordering fish and chips so often they might start wrapping me in paper. I'm traveling with my Wells Fargo autograph journey card, so I earn rewards wherever I book travel. Five times points with hotels, four times with airlines, three times on restaurants and other travel, and one point on other purchases. Imagine getting rewarded for eating a toad in the hole. Wait, what is a toad in the hole? Visit wellsfargo.com slash autograph journey. Terms apply. Whether it's a movie night or just midday, skinny pop is a salty snack that keeps on giving. Made with just three simple ingredients for an irresistibly delicious taste and a large serving size that lasts. Deliciously popped, perfectly salted. Skinny pop, popular for a reason. Shop skinny pop now. If you're at risk, ask your healthcare provider about the Coluguard test. Coluguard is available by prescription only. Learn more or request a prescription today at coluguard.com slash screen. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show, huh? Every single week I have two of the funniest human beings on. This week is no different. Ladies and gentlemen, two of the best guests in the show's history. Two of the best comedians on all of planet Earth. Make some fucking noise for Fluffy and Sal Volcano, everybody. Oh yeah, they are on their feet. Sal Volcano. The great Fluffy, ladies and gentlemen. Fluffy and Sal. Oh my God, the place is in Arrakis. Hell yeah. Fuck yes. The crowd is electric. Surprise. I don't know if you guys are excited that it's us or that you didn't pay for us. Yeah. It's always a big surprise. Thank you. Table of very happy, thick Latino men over there that are just out of control right now. Relax, gentlemen. Relax over there. This is gonna be like the fucking Super Bowl halftime show. Bunch of thick Mexicans in the fucking floral shirts going ballistic over here. Fluffy is back, ladies and gentlemen. He's on tour at FluffyGuy.com. And the long-awaited return of the great Sal Volcano. He's on tour at Chicago, New York, Nashville, the Chicago Theater, Beacon Theater, Reiman Theater, Sal Volcano, Comedy.com. You guys have both been on this show before. You know how it works, but look at how stacked this bucket is. I mean, hundreds and hundreds of names, literally overflowing to the top. You guys know how it works. I pick a name, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up in here, the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Which rudely interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview, they get feedback from my esteem panel. We're going to have a lot of fun, the entire thing's improvised. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? I'm going to let this guy that looks like every murder documentary that kills his wife pick the first name. Wow, right off the middle top, a real simple fuck you are, huh? Didn't even dig in there at all. Unbelievable, you suspicious motherfucker. I feel like I caught you off guard predicting that you're going to eventually kill your wife here. And you're just like, okay, let's just keep this moving. While we go wrangle that comedian, that first very lucky bucket pull, I have one of the most interesting golden ticket winners in the show's history here to start tonight. We have not had him on this show for six months straight, because there was a big competition in Nashville, Tennessee, and the person who had the least response had to take six months away from the show. He has been working so hard at so many open mics continuously for this moment right now that we'll start tonight's episode. This is the long awaited return of brand new minute from Drew Nickins. Hi. I love that Kill Totes on Netflix, but if one more person asks me, if I'm going to be on Glova on the spectrum next year, I'm going to have a fucking meltdown, because I know I have my issues. I'm not the first black comic you can't understand on stage, and I have trouble regulating my emotions. You all saw Nashville. But I'm not trying to go on a date that consists of figuring out every number in pie and a dinner of dino nuggies and gun-crustables. But the training's in, we'll be fucking sick, am I right? I can't smoke weed because I don't want to kill people. But if I did smoke weed, my thoughts would make a lot more sense. Like, I think dominoes are just flat dice. I think of a tr... I think of a trans man has a better beard than me. It's cheating, because they're using performance enhancing drugs. I think Shaggy rescued Scooby-Doo from an Asian household. Because how else would Scooby-Doo say Lulu Lemon? Ruh-roh! And I think legi-beats can't wear braces. Because if they did, they'd be called box cutters. Really chatting that pussy up. Thank y'all, that's my time. Look at that, true niggans. Squeezing in a full minute 30. We'll let them go. Great stuff, true. Thank you for having me, Tony. I'm glad to be here. Heck yeah, you look fantastic, dude. Yes, sir. Wow. I mean, wow. Sometimes I forget you are black. Hell yeah, brother. Whoa, look out. I wasn't gonna say that word, John, don't worry. I love it. I forget you're black and then you come with a shirt from the Steve Harvey collection over here. I mean, look at that fucking thing. That is incredible. How do you get a shirt like that, true? The Polo Ralph Lauren Polo Outlet. Wow, the outlet. Yeah, $75. Hell yeah. And you get your haircut from the electrical outlet. Amazing, true. So tell us about these six months off. What's it been like for you? You've been working hard? So the first month was a little crazy, a little tough, but I was like, you know what? I'm never gonna give up on my dream. And so I went and I did 90 minutes a week of stand up, no matter where it was. Three people, 300 people, whatever I could do, I was there to do it. And I opened for Adam Ray in July and I did really well in front of a thousand people in my old casino. Your old casino. He owned a casino? Yeah, you had your own casino? No, no, no, I used to lose a lot of money at this casino in Toppenis. A shit time. Me too, bro. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. I love it, true. Well, fantastic stuff. You've never smoked weed before? I haven't smoked weed in three years. Okay, what was it like when you were smoking weed? I was very paranoid and very sad. It didn't work that way. And I was like, you know what? Junior say I'll smoke weed and you know what he did. So let's not do that. Okay, that's an interesting way of looking at it. A hell of a segue. Just say you don't like the Chargers, bro. I am a Commanders fan, dog. All right, well, Drew, amazing stuff. What did you think about Drew, Sal? It was good to see you again. Last time I was here, you were here. So it's nice to see you again. It's crazy you found the only shirt louder than yourself. But yeah, you look, you look, you look surprised to be here, even though you know damn well that you're here. Which I like, that's what I like about you. There's always a very surprise, you look surprised right now that I'm speaking. You did it, Drew. You came back very funny set, great stuff. Way to get the show started. Thank you so much, Sal. Oh, no. Thank you. Can I just say that that joke about the flat dice, I'm like, how many people are like, oh my God, I've never, I cannot unsee that. I was like, wow, okay. It's amazing, the very, very great personality. And I'm the guy that drowned in a float, almost drowned in a float tank like two weeks ago. Wait, how did you almost drown in a float tank? Okay, so I was, I was thinking about, How do you not look surprised at that? So, so I was thinking about GILMO girls and wrestling while I was in the float tank. And, uh, You're thinking about what? GILMO girls, the TV show and wrestling. GILMO girls, wow. And I, uh, It's an interesting combination. I know, right? Fuck Rory, she's a piece of shit. Anyways, but, but I was, I was relaxing and then I fell asleep and then I just kind of went all the way down and I was just like, oh, and it's 10 inches of water. 10 inches is a lot. Hey, oh, um, and, uh, yeah, I woke up and I was like, oh shit. I don't want to get out of this giant air pod because if I do, they're going to know something's wrong. So I sat cross-legged for 15 minutes. Yeah, it was embarrassing. Okay. And so, and then someone recognized me and like I was like really quiet. It was, it was awkward, but it's pretty cool. Glad you made it, bro. So then it's true what they say about black people and swimming. Yeah. 10 inches of water. True Nickens, you did it, buddy. Congratulations. He's back. The return of True Nickens, the record holder for most appearances ever on one episode of the show. His first night on the show, he came out like 11 times. Anything can happen. This is our first bucket pool of the night, everybody. We're going to meet these people all together. Make some noise for this person. It's a minute from JD Madison, everybody. Here we go. What's up, y'all? I'm going to stage dive after so you two get ready to catch. All right. Now the headline tomorrow would be three dead, seven injured, 16 missing. But so, yeah, I have a lot of intrusive thoughts. One of which is like, I don't think you can really call yourself straight until you jack off the gay porn for the first time. So think about it. Like if you're over 30, we grew up with the AIDS crisis and our parents telling us gay people are bad. So you got to test that shit out, man. I like to do it once a year, just on my birthday. Make sure I'm still good. A little gift to myself. Comfort my own sexuality. I am straight though, so far. But I got two kids. My five-year-old's a little bit of a maniac. She's obsessed with the K-pop demon hunters, if you guys know that one. It's really great, but like she wants to be one for Halloween and I'm trying to figure out how much yellow face is appropriate for a five-year-old. I don't need a repeat of the little mermaid incident. So that's my time. I'm JD Madison. Thank you. JD Madison, welcome JD. This is your first time on, right? Yes, sir. I love it. Man, how long you been on stand-up? This was my first time. Whoa! First time ever! Wow. First time ever being on stage? Not on stage, but first time doing stand-up. Yeah, he's on stage. He's your stand-in for... I'm your stunt double. Four X, right? Four, yeah. Wow, look at this. It's my guy. It's like a... This don't work out, you got a job in the back, bro. Yeah. That's an amazing talent being able to guess how many X's on that guy's shirt. I'm fucking impressed. You're like fat guy Rain Man or something like that. That is incredible. I never would have known that that's a four X. Yeah. Incredible. What do you do for work, JD Madison? I'm an IT consultant. Okay. Fun stuff. Alright. And you've been doing that your whole life? Consulting for a few years, but I've been in IT for like 20 years. How old are you? 42. 42. What made you want to start stand-up now? So, like, I lost my dad during COVID, and, you know, the older I get, the more I'm like, man, you're fucking running out of time, dude. Like, do what makes you happy. I love making people laugh. I love that. That's why I'm here. I love that. Was your dad a big guy, too? No, he was tall, but he wasn't, you know, this. Right. Exactly. You mean amazing. It's the greatest thing anyone's ever said to me in my life. It's fluffy. Tell us more, JD. What do you do for fun? Do you have any special skills or talents? Well, obviously I like to cook. Yeah. A big Texas barbecue guy, smoke, you know, all that good stuff. Love basketball. I have spur season tickets from San Antonio. Wow. And all that. Incredible. Absolutely amazing. Do you ever play basketball, or? You're just shaped like one. No. I mean, when I was a teenager, and I used to wrestle, like, with my sexuality. Okay. Oh, yeah. All right. What's your love life like now? I married two kids, so, you know, it's pretty good. Okay. Every year on your birthday. Even though you married with two kids, you're still testing how to see if you're gay every year. Dude, I mean, how do you know if you don't? Yeah. Like... Could you call it an intrusive thought? Yeah. How intrusive is it? I mean, at least yearly, so... I don't know if that's that intrusive, yet it's still intrusive, every yearly. Yeah. What does the wife do for a living? She actually went to school to be a pediatric psych nurse, but she's married to me now, so she doesn't do that anymore. She's a school nurse, actually. Okay. Cool. You ever worry about her banging any of the students? That's the thing that's happening nowadays. I mean, they're middle schoolers, so they probably have tiny dicks so far. I'm not worried about it. She probably does it once a year just to see if she... JD Madison. So interesting. 42. How did it feel up there? Is there anything surprisingly different that shocked you about your first time? No. I mean, the stage was small. I didn't expect this many laughs, that's for sure, so I'm really happy about that, but it's great, man. Yeah. Wow. Amazing. All right, JD. Well, you have a whole thing ahead of you, even though it was just okay. It was great for a first-time set. Better than my first set. Yeah. Better than my first set. So, way to go. Thank you, man. Great confidence, man. You're leaving here with a big joke book. There you go. Boom. Right into that. Right into the tit. Great catch. The old titty catch. Yeah, your dad's looking down on you right now, man. I'm just wondering if you're gay or not, but yeah. There you go. JD Madison, everybody. All right. So, you get it. The show has begun. And straight into our show. Oh, my God. Wow. Have you ever seen anything more pretty than the great Heidi, everybody? HeidiRugina.com. She's got a new podcast with the great Valerie Vaughn. Unbelievable. As a chef, I know flavor does begin in the kitchen. It begins on the land. And West Home's nature-led Australian Wagyu is a story written in the landscape of Northern Australia. Cooking is storytelling, and West Home Wagyu carries a story of Northern Australia itself. Raw, powerful, and deeply authentic. It's a testament to the passion and care raised in the rhythm of Northern Australia. I'm Chef May Lin from ADA Club in Los Angeles, and I invite you to visit westhome.com. And taste a story only West Home Nature-led Australian Wagyu can tell. That's W-E-S-T-H-O-L-M-E.com-slash-M-E-I-L-I-N. Make some noise for your next bucket pool, everybody. Goes by the name of Mike Holloway, everyone. Here we go. Here comes Mike Holloway. Every time I shower, I dry off, and then over the next few minutes, every bit of moisture that I've missed from my entire body travels to my balls and stays there. Somehow, even the water I've missed from my legs defies gravity and ends up there. And I have to dry my balls twice. So, since all roads lead to Rome, I decided to call my balls Romulus and Remus. It's an ancient Roman history joke. It's also a joke about my balls. Toofa. That one hits the high brow and the low brow. Moving on to my dick. My dick likes to hang to the right, but I like it on the left. We're always going back and forth about it. All right. Mike Holloway. Old Wet Balls Holloway. Welcome back to the show, Mike. I remember you being here because your face is absolutely unforgettable. It is an incredible thing. Can you tell us, Mike, how long you've been on stand-up? About six years. Six years. Where at? Mostly in Kansas City. What do you do for work? I'm a cook. You're a cook. Pizza planet, right? No. Where are you a cook at? Tapville. Okay. What do you mostly make? What's your specialty? Salisbury steak? No, we do steak. We do pastas. We do burgers. Awesome. What do you do for fun when you're not working, Mike, and you're not doing stand-up? Uh... You look like you have some real creepy fucking hobbies. Pick up chicks outside of a hot topic or something like that. No. You look like you sometimes work part-time, letting people onto festival rides or something. No, I don't. I don't really do a whole lot besides working comedy right now, but... I like to play beach volleyball. Really? When in Kansas City, I was just on a beach volleyball team. I never would have guessed beach volleyball. That's incredible. There's a ball involved. That's true. Sometimes it rolls into the water. It gets wet. You're playing with wet balls all over again. Mike, anything crazy about your family, your history, your childhood, anything that you think makes you different than everybody else in the world? I was an oldest child, a middle child, and an only child. Okay. So you were an only child. And then there was a kid. My mom and my dad. Mother. Between my mom and my dad, I was the only child. My dad had two older kids before me and then two younger. So I'm a middle child there. And then I was the oldest of my mom's kids. Wow. They were divorced when I was like a year old. Okay. Fuck. Nothing really going on. Not much to work with there. Check in with Romulus and Remus down there. Do you have any kids? No. That I know of. It's crazy that you don't have any kids because you have the face of an actual sperm. That's an amazing face. What's your love life like? You got a girlfriend chained up to a radiator right now somewhere? No. It's the last date you went on. What was that like? I haven't dated anybody in about seven or eight years. Why do you think that is exactly? Because I have HPV. Wow. How do you get HPV from aggressively masturbating? That's what I do now. So let's talk about the HPV. How did you get it? Tell us about this magical night. This took a turn quickly. Yeah. I love it. I just keep digging until I find something extremely interesting like an HPV breakout. You are the breakout star of the night so far. You have an HPV special coming out on HPV. All right. Yes. Yes. Do you remember the night that you got it? No. No. I don't know when I got it. There was a period where it could have been a number of 30 slots. Wow. That's amazing. Oh, dude. Yeah. I was just having empathy for you. Yeah, right? You thought something happened over and then you realized it was probably painful for that. Sweet guy, you're honest. You don't have to share that. Dirty slut did it to me. It's amazing. You haven't been on a date six, seven, eight years or whatever you said. And meanwhile, you were such a dirty dirt ball back in the day that you don't even know how you got it. Wow. I grew up fat. Like I was... Me too. I was almost 400 pounds. Whoa. That's like a 4X. Yeah. It's actually a 5. So what's it like? How often do you see like a breakout or something like that? What's it like? Is it on your balls, your penis? It's on your total cauliflower dick. Oh my God. Absolutely incredible. What's it smell like? Red Band. Why would you say something like that? There's children watching around the world right now. That is a disgusting thing. What does it smell like? Have you ever smelled it? Have you ever like touched it? I don't really smell it, but Red Band, if you really want to smell it, I might let you smell it. Wow. Red Band's never been near any kind of cauliflower before, so this is very exciting. He avoids vegetables at all costs. Are you saying you're broken out right now? No, it's not a breakout thing. It's just like always have. Wow. She gave it off? Oh my God. It just looks like the Joker's face paint down there. Do you know how I got this? Do you know how I got this? Because I don't know how I got this. That is incredible. So have you ever like told a girl and she's like, I'm down, I don't care. Yeah, my last girlfriend. Wow. Tell us about her. She was crazy though. Yeah. Last I heard she was serving a 12 year prison sentence for a kidnap rate, or not rate, kidnap torture. They like, oh torture. Oh good. Okay. Thank God. Thank God. This almost got weird. Do you know what she did? How did she kidnap and torture somebody? You must have gotten this. I don't know all the details, but what I heard was that they had somebody in like a dog kennel cage, and they were like beating them and throwing hot, like boiling water on them and cutting them and stuff like that. Wow. I mean, we do that to Drew Nickens like once a month, but that's crazy. This was well after she broke up with me. Yeah, what a bitch. What the fuck is that doing to yourself, Steve? Absolutely amazing. You got a little joke book last time you were on? I got a big one. Okay. Well, there you go. There he goes. He's did it again. Mike Holloway, everybody. We're going to keep it moving. Wow. That woman's in prison with an HPV cauliflower pussy right now. Amazing. Imagine the lips on her. Wow. Red band. This episode is brought to you by Nick Talkspace and Quo. Make some noise for your third bucket pull of the night. It's Ernest Evans, the senior everybody. Hell yeah. Man, I just moved into a safe white neighborhood. I know life, the lofty goes white people. Thank you. But now my kids got white friends and I can't say the shit that I normally say around my kids because they got white friends. I mean, I don't say the N word a lot, but my friends, they use the N word like Frank's Red High. They put that nigga on everything. So I'm taking my daughter and her little white friend to get some ice cream. You know what I'm saying? Bumper some two chains. And my phone rings on Bluetooth. It's one of my army buddies. The first thing got his mouth is nigga, nigga. I'm like, hey, hold on, bro. Chill out. Chill out. I got a little white girl in the car. He like, oh, nigga, you kidnapping now? I'm like, no, bro. No. Shit. We just going to get some ice cream. Shit. Chill out. So meanwhile, I'm looking back in the review mirror. She looking at me smiling this shit like she ain't on the joke. I say, don't worry. She says, don't worry. My daddy says it all the time. I'm like, oh, shit. I'm her. Fantastic. Ernest Evans senior making his kill Tony debut. Welcome Ernest Evans senior. TSC baby. What's up? What's up? Have you been on the show before? Yeah. About a year to this date. Matt Reif was the, uh, yeah, sir. Well, welcome back. I remember you now. Appreciate you. I say, uh, forget it. How's life been since your last time on? Good man. She had producing shows around here being funny, trying to get in man. HBO, help her brother out. I love it. From HPV to HBO. Incredible. Amazing Ernest. Remind us, what do you do for work? Man, I'm a veteran, 22 years in the army, but now I work for the state. Oh man. Yes, sir. You work for the state? Yes, sir. What do you do for the state? I'm a management analyst. What? Process improvement specialist. Process improvement specialist. Oh, now you, now you know. Yeah, I know you got it, Wu-Tang. What is a process? Can you give us a third explanation? What is a process improvement? So I'll just take all the processes that we do in the state and try to streamline them and make them official, make them better. You couldn't lead with that? Well, I should, I knew you knew. I didn't know. I was like, I was like, I'm like Sal. I don't know why he's working though. He's fucking funny. I appreciate that, sir. You're funny. Thank you, sir. Yeah. Thank you. It's amazing. You are very funny. Thank you. The confidence is next level too. I love this. Yeah. People say I look like Jamie Foxx, so. I'm going to make you do what it do, baby. It was pretty cool in a minute. It felt like a set in a minute. You had a beginning, a middle, and an end. That doesn't happen a lot. So it was nice to see something that well-rounded in a minute. Thank you. It is amazing. Ernest, what do you do for fun when you're not performing? Fish, shit. I'm trying to do this full time. I'm trying to quit my job, man. Shit. I'm trying to all that. Okay. So jokes, fish, chill with the kids, grandkids. Okay. What type of... Your grandfather. I got two grandkids. Wow. Look at you. Done a lot of shit. You look very young. The only reason I think you're older is because of the gray, but otherwise, you know, I guess. That's it? Yeah. Black don't crack, right? It don't. It don't. Well, I got three gym memberships, so that shit better paying out. Well, you took mine. Come on, man. You keep it. All right. You probably don't want this planet fitness. Why do you have three gym memberships? Well, CrossFit, got down the YMCA, because I'm 45, got kids and shit, you know what I'm saying? And then LA Fitness. Okay. You already know he's messing with all the LA Fitness, so... La Fitness. La Fitness. La Fitness. La Fitness, baby. Amazing stuff, Ernest. What exactly do you do with the YMCA? What's different at the Y that you don't have at LA Fitness? Free childcare, shit. Free childcare? Free hell, yeah, Tony. I don't understand. Explain that. I don't know. Show up today, bitch. You be like, hey, take these kids. Hey, take them and you go work out. Wow. That's awesome. I didn't know they had that. Yeah, yeah, for real. That's amazing. But I don't be at the gym, though. I go to the club and shit come back. Hell, yeah. You go up the back. All right. I'm streaming. I'm streaming. I'm streaming. I'm streaming. I'm streaming. I'm streaming back. All right. I'm streamlining processes. Hell, yeah. Amazing. Hell, yeah. Yeah, man. Wow. What's it like being a grandfather? Tell us about that. Man, it's lovely, bro. It's like... Because you're young for a grandfather. Yeah, I was 45 when I had kids when I was young. So got my high school sweetheart pregnant at 18. Wow. I thought we was going to be together when the AIT, she was cheating on me and shit. So came back and I was like, yeah, I'm going to be a grandfather. I'm going to be a grandfather. I'm going to be a grandfather. I'm going to be a grandfather. I'm going to be a grandfather. I'm going to be a grandfather. So we were going to be together when the AIT, she was cheating on me and shit. So came back and I was like, damn, now I got to join the army. Man. So that's how I happened. It's a black woman? No, she white. She's a white woman. And she was cheating on you? Black mother. How did you find out that she was cheating on you? Man, it came. How did you find out this white devil was cheating on you? Man, I came back home and she had hickeys and shit on her neck. I was like, aw, hell no. Aw, hell no. It's right. Hey, somebody out here with a side chick right now, shit. Yep. Yep. This guy's going to murder her eventually. So she had hickeys on her neck and you asked about it? Did she try to make up an excuse or anything? You know she did. Yeah. What did she say? What did this white bitch say? She said the baby was grabbing my neck. I said, you're a goddamn liar. The baby two days old, ain't even that strong. What's that? Is that in your set? You ever talk about that on stage? You ever do that? That's right there. You should do that. I got it right now. I should? Yeah. I love you, you have to put a drummer. Hold on, let me ask the drummer if I should put it in my set. No, I love you, but... My goodness. And did she end up admitting it? Did she end up coming clean that she was cheating on you? Or did she lie down to the very end? Man, cheaters don't admit shit, bruh. Yeah. She's still admitted to this day, but we cool now, so... Right. Yeah. Until she see this. Right. Yeah. Hell yeah. Until she see this shit. Ernest Evans, you got a big joke book last time you were on? I did, yes sir. Did you already fill it up? I did. Well, here's another one, my friend. Boom. And Ernest, I'd love to have you at the Secret Show Thursday. The Secret Show this Thursday. Ernest Evans Sr. being booked on a real comedy gig. Here in Austin, Texas. It's all fun. Well, I'm going to be a little bit more relaxed. I'm going to be a little bit more relaxed. I'm going to be a little bit more relaxed. I'm going to be a little bit more relaxed. I'm going to be a little bit more relaxed. I'm going to be a little bit more relaxed. I'm going to be a little bit more relaxed. I'm going to be a little bit more relaxed. I'm going to be a little bit more relaxed. I'm going to be a little bit more relaxed. I'm going to be a little bit more relaxed. I'm going to be a little bit more relaxed. I'm going to be a little bit more relaxed. I'm going to be a little bit more relaxed. Walmart Business. It's the Walmart you love. Now for your business. Learn more at business.walmart.com. Terms apply. We're just going to keep flying right through it. Your next bucket bowl, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Pamela Galvez, everyone. Pamela Galvez. Hi, everybody. So, my boyfriend, he still goes to the pediatrician. This is a true story. I've been with him to the pediatrician twice. And his pediatrician used to see his little baby balls. And now he gets to see where he's going to be. And he's going to be a little bit more relaxed. fades in we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we I want to be a female seahorse. Because the female seahorse, the guys, they fight over her, and then whoever wins takes her on dates, and then she nuts her eggs into his sack, and she leaves him pregnant with 500 babies. And she's out. So like the female seahorse, I'm out. Wow. Pamela Galvez. She's a... I guess that was a comedy set. Something like that. Pamela. Okay, let's talk about it. Ola. Ola. We both made the same face when she twerk, right? What? That's... Yeah, we both like, oh, that's a different show. Yeah. It's a different show. One way to get on the laughing. What face was that? What face was that? Okay, all right, all right, all right. It does smell like a seahorse up here all of a sudden. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. My goodness. Deep madness is sensitive to smells, so... Pamela. Pamela, how long you been doing stand-up? Four years. Where at? All of it in Austin? Huh? All of it in Austin, Texas? Austin, Miami, New York, LA, ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba, all everywhere. Oh, my goodness. Bahamas. I even did a show on the Bahamas. Wow, incredible. Hope you got that. What? Hope you got that. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Do you do it in so many places because the place you do it in won't have you back? Ha-ha-ha. I'm kidding. You're a firecracker. It's just... I'm intimidated. I am. Listen, every... So I just wanted to say, you know, usually everybody's saying, oh, oh, my God, I just lost 25 pounds. Well, I just want to say I've gained 35 pounds. Yeah! Wow. There's some fat people cheering for you out there. Let's celebrate weight gain. Okay. All right. I don't know what RFK Jr. would say about that, but... How do you do it? You're so proud of your weight gain. Tell us. What's your process? How exactly are you packing on the pounds? Eat and eat and eat and eat. Wow. I love that she looked right at me. Yeah. Yeah, I know how it works. I know how it works. Right. That's how you know. What exactly is... Are you eating, though? I know you're eating, but tell us what are some of your favorite snacks? Hello. This is Texas. I've been eating a lot of steak. The steak is so good. It's not the steak that's sticking there. That's the straight protein. What type of carbs are you... Steak. Oh, God. Potatoes and steak, baby. Potatoes and steak. Lots of steak. Okay. Steak, steak, steak. I don't believe you. I think there's a lot of sweets in there and late-night carbohydrates. That's my guess. Duce de leche. Mucho... A lot of dulce de leche. Okay. Again, Bad Bunny performing the Super Bowl halftime show. Yes. That's right, because Cam was there. You know, yeah. Right. Okey-dokey. All right. Okay. What's your love life like, Pamela? It seems like you would annoy the absolute dickens out of a human being. They would just... They would lie about having cauliflower, Dick, just to get away from you. Something tells me she's eating that cauliflower. Only steak, steak, steak, steak, steak. Cauliflower has no carbs. Some carbs. Okay. It's got some fatness to it. Right? It has some fatness to it. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Pamela, what's your love life like? You got a boyfriend? No. You date a lot? You on the apps? I'm just chilling like a villain, baby. Okay. Chilling like a villain. I feel like I'm inside a TikTok right now. Oh, my God. Are you a little drunk, Pamela? No, I'm just excited and nervous to be here. Okay. I was going to ask the same. Are you genuinely just... Don't sober it? Yeah. I mean, I have like some tequila, of course, but that's it. Oh, that's it. Yeah, that doesn't even have alcohol in it. Tequila. Just a tiny bit of tequila. All right, Pamela. And you want to ejaculate into men and give them five minutes to drink? Yes, I want to get you pregnant. No! You pregnant. You pregnant. Hey, aim that to the girl. Hey, middle of there. Okay, you pregnant. We'll have blue-eyed babies. Yeah, let's do it. Come on. All right, Pamela. We'll have some Mexican babies. We'll have some like, are you pregnant? There you go. There you go. We'll have a blind baby if I got you pregnant. All right, Pamela, over here, Pamela. Here, here's a little joke book. I'm going to get you out of here before we get fucking... Wow. There she goes. Pamela, Pamela, put the mic in the mic. Sing it the fuck out of here. Literally, no one wants to see you dance. There she goes. Pamela Galvez, everybody. Jesus Christ, almighty. All right, let's have some fun here. Hey, Tony, I... Yeah. I think I might be pregnant. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. She got me a couple times. You might be... You might have to move up to a 5X after this. Might. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a regular here that is one of the biggest stars in all of comedy. Here, with the brand-new-minute future citizen of the United States of America. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Hardy Matty. Yeah! Uh... I had my first American Advil. Holy shit. First of all, I go to the pharmacy. There's Advil and Advil Instant. Who the fuck... has a migraine and sees those options and is like, Ah! I'll write this out for another 45. Dude, I put this Advil in my mouth and it tastes sweet. You guys put sugar on your medicine. You know the rest of the world doesn't do that. The miracle is enough. But only in America, even for those two seconds, when you're looking for that glass of water, even for those two seconds, can it not be the greatest country on Earth, huh? It's gotta be fucking... Woo! Born in the USA! No wonder you guys are fat. You have sugar on your medicine! The government is trying to kill you. That's the American government. It fixes the migraine, but then slips you diabetes on the back end. Boy, you guys are fat. Dude, I went to Dunkin' Donuts for the first time. Dude, whatever happened to a plain donut? It was good enough. In Dunkin' Donuts, just everything. Sprinkle, grazed, penetrated, just... Just fucking. Here you go. More sugar! Dude, Dunkin' Donuts has an early bird special. If you go to Dunkin' Donuts between 7 and 8 a.m. and you buy a donut, you get the second one for free. Listen, if you start your day with a donut, the last thing you need is another donut. Ha ha ha! Thanks! The great. The powerful. The Estonian Assassin has done it again. Are you mad? Wow! What time is that again? Sorry? 7 and 8. 7 and 8 a.m. Ha ha ha ha ha. Hilarious stuff, my friend. Absolutely incredible. Wow, I never thought of that before about the sweet. Literally, the painkiller, sugar, in it. Yeah, amazing. You guys need to relax. Ha ha ha. It is out of control. You know why, though, right? It's going your bloodstream faster. Ah. You know that. That's what you keep telling yourself. Yeah. No, it actually helps, um... No! It helps the... the fuck out. He just sucks the candy part off the end. Spits it out like a sunflower seed. Throws another one in his mouth. Ah, it's good for you. It's a bloodstream. I love it, Ari. You are a huge fucking superstar. You absolutely destroy everywhere you go. Tell us about life a little bit. How's it going? How's it evolving? How's it changing? What's going on? Being a rock star. Yeah, it's good. Listen, we need more bitches in the Kill Tony fan group. Every time I go out, it's all due. It's great said. Great said, dude. I love your stuff. And then they try to fix my joke. They're always like, Yeah, you should say you raped your sister at the end. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Sure, buddy. We need mad rife. We need mad rife on the panel every fucking night. Where's the bitches at? Where's the bitches at? I mean, there's a lot of lovely ladies out here today. I mean, there's a lot of... Yeah, every chick here came with their boyfriend and they don't like the show. Ha-ha-ha. Look at that one. Look how pretty that girl is with the hat and the mustache and the Adams apple right there. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. What's up, Kid Rock? Look at that. Good to see you. Yeah. So, Ari, I mean, you're out there on the road. What's going on? What else is happening? Uh... Crazy, you've been anywhere fun? What do you like? Where you been? Just doing gigs, riding my little bicycle around, you know. That's what I do, riding my little bicycle around. You got a bicycle now? Yeah, I don't have a driver's license, so I gotta do what I gotta do. Like an e-bike or a regular bike? No, regular. Yeah, a red-band. Once in a while. Anything that not- It actually helps you get to the bloodstream, man. So you got a little 10 speed? You got a little 10 speed? I just take the hills on old school, dude. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Wow. E-bike. By the way, I've seen two e-bikes at Red Band's place. They got fucking spider shit all over it. There's a full civilization around his e-bikes. There's a kill Tony happening on his e-bike right now. Ha-ha-ha. It's Avatar. Ha-ha-ha. There's a... There really are. There's a gay little cockroach going, Unbelievable. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Those are some dusty e-bikes at Red Band's house. Even with an electric motor, you can't get his ass out on the fucking streets. No sun absorption. When's the last time you went on a little e-bike ride and pressed only motor and never touched the pedals? I can't use them because it can't park anywhere. That's why I don't use them. But I use them like Lime Scooters every day. I used it like two weeks ago. Oh, wow. Look at that. Where'd you go? I just ran my neighborhood and shit. I looked at the Goonies shirt like, Let's go exploring. You know, they'll find dead bunnies. Pedals look at Brian like, I'm sure. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. You said there's nowhere to park your e-bike. That's why you don't go out. Yeah, like I can't bring it here, you know. I can't bring it to most places because it's like people would steal that shit. It's like a $6,000 bike. Yeah, you don't want it stolen. So you better not ever take it out anywhere. You just leave it in your apartment. You don't want it to get stolen. That's why you don't ride your bike. Duncan lets you park. Ha-ha-ha. Duncan Donies, 7 to 8, double donuts. Double your donuts. Where do you park your bike? I mean, let's help Red Band out a little bit. Maybe we can get his fat ass out of the apartment. That's part two, but it is a stress. Like I went to a trade or a Joe's the other day and then... When I... When you see the bike, when you see the bike, what a steal. The rack. This guy knows. The rack. I always... Sometimes they're full, so you try to pick... Because my bicycle is nice. So I try to pick which bike to put my bike next to and I try to tell a story of what this guy's lifestyle is like. So I try to find like a nice bike to go with my nice bike and then dude, like a week ago I come out and my bike is just hanging like all fucked up and I saw who that mother fuck... It was an e-bike by the way. Of course. It was e-bike people. Some of her shit just took his bicycle left mind in the dirt. I'm gonna find him. I'm gonna go to trade or Joe's every day. I'm gonna kill this mother fucker. Wow. Because I'm obsessive about scratches dude. They have like... There's three new scratches on my bicycle dude. I almost fucking rented a U-Haul and drove through a fucking Sabrina Carpenter concert at ACL. Ha ha ha ha. Feel my pain. These fucking vapes and labubus flying. She's fucking... Oh my god. So funny. Dude, ACL has a lot of these whores. Oh yeah. It really is. And I'm 33 and when I look at young girls now I don't want to fuck them anymore. I just want to raise them. You know, just just tie a bitch down and yell at her like dressed like this, huh? There's a breeze coming. Ha ha ha. Did you partake in any of the ACL activities? Fuck no. It's a pretentious fucking festival. Full of fucking face. Terrible lineups. We'll get the fuck out of here, Sabrina Carpenter. Sure, I want to become a whore. Fuck off. As we all know, the great Sabrina. Fuck out of here dude. Yeah. Outside in a port-a-potty, $400 tickets. Dude, it's $400 by the way. Crazy. Dude, if it's $400, fly me in with a helicopter dude. I'm not taking a shit in a port-a-potty. Yeah. It is unbelievable. There's just nothing good. The lineups aren't good and it's just a ton of people. I went last year. Who did I see? Oh, the red hot chili peppers. No, no, that's fire. It was so mediocre. Huh. So mediocre. California, California. Oh, you have a personal... Yeah, it's just a thing. Vendetta. They're old now too. They're like real old. Real old? Yeah. Not so chilly anymore. Red hot. I don't know. I didn't have a riff about that. Hey Gabriel, last time I was on, remember that merch incident? Oh, by the way, yeah. Last time I was here, he almost got one of my employees fired. Because I... Yeah, I know. You uncovered a scandal over there. Yeah, the organization. You're watching your merch now, huh? I'm watching, yeah. Don't test us, dinero. I follow it. You don't realize, I went back and I showed the video clip of him outing my merch guy. My merch guy, Ivan. Ivan, Ivan. Yeah. Thank you, Ivan. I still have six bottles of fluffy tapatio, by the way. It is so good. I swear to God, something about your label makes it a little bit better than normal tapatio, which we love. And you have a special edition now, right? Or something that came out. Yeah, black label. Ooh. What's that, like, extra spicy? It's just a label. No, it's just... Extra black. Shit! This...this shit... This house saw. You're gonna shit water out your ass! Just David Jolly on the label, just... Goddamn! Black hot sauce, ladies and gentlemen. So anyway, watching the merch, a lot better. A lot better. Very good. So thank you for uncovering that. That was the best review to let me know what was going on. There's t-shirts everywhere right now. In Ukraine, dude, half the soldiers are wearing fluffy... Fucking... Even the Russians. Yeah, both sides. You know that Spider-Man meme? Oh, God. Oh, God. Too funny, Ari. You are truly one of the best in the world. Unbelievable. Go see him live. Killers that kill Tony, touring all over. Everything's amazing. It's all happening, people. That dude's a legend. It's incredible. It's incredible. It's incredible. It's incredible. It's incredible. You should... In his longer sets, he just comes out, guns a-blazin' and does not chill at all. He is non-stop relentless. One more time for Ari Maddie, everybody. All right. We found him in the bucket, and anything can happen. We found every regular Golden Tick-a-Winner of all time out of this simple bucket. It could happen right... Mom talk has just been blowing up. Whitney and Jen are on Dancing with the Stars. Taylor is a bachelorette. Saying that out loud is crazy. That is huge. But all the cool opportunities could pull us apart. It's causing issues in everyone's marriage. My whole world is falling apart right now. It's chaos. What's up, guys? Yeah. Just want to let you know I'm pretty proud. I've never uttered the phrase, I have a black friend. Yeah. I've been called the white friend on many occasions. Which is always awkward, because you have to tell them, I would never be friends with a black guy. I'm not racist. No, no, it's my wife. She's going to try to get me out of this. I'm not racist. I'm not racist. No, no, it's my wife. She's going to try to fuck them. No. No, she leaves me little hints around the house. Like the other day, she got me this book. She left it out of my nightstand. It's called How to Make a Woman Orgasm. Yeah, I don't know how it ended. I may finish it. I knew it was too complicated for me, because the first page said, lick your fingers to turn these pages. Fuck this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I have a lot of collections. I don't pay anybody back. If I owe you, if it ain't getting cut, it ain't getting paid. All right? Yeah, so one of the biggest collections I have is to a sex shop at an adult store. You know, one of these... Oh, never mind. I'm not paying you. Fuck you. I'm Chateau. Thanks a lot. Okay, Chateau. It's nice of you to You look fantastic, Chateau. It's incredible, Sal. I like how you came out and pointed to the other Joe Durt. Yeah. Game-recognized game. Hell yeah. Chateau, remind us how long you've been on stand-up. I'm going on four years now, all here in Austin. Okay, what do you do for work? I own a cannabis college and I write books. I write novels and chillers books for adults also. Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah. How's that going? Good? I know who I am. Going by Chateau is very hard for people to find you. Writer Chateau. Okay. Oh, yeah. Gabe? No, just... Oh, yeah. Why do you go by Chateau? Because the last name, if I pronounce it, it's not spelled that way. It's just hard to find or hard to understand or hard to say. So I do it open mics. It was just easier to cut it down. You really do have a wife? I really do. I think she's in the backyard and she's about three, four feet down right now. But yeah, she's good. What do you mean by that? No, she's not dead. I was just kidding. Oh. Not yet. Amazing. What does she do? She works for U-Haul. She takes calls. Wow. She answers the phone at U-Haul. From home. Wow. Incredible. She's a white lady? Do you make her orgasm? Yeah, we've been married 26 years. How do you keep things fresh in the bedroom? So you ask me this. We do a lot of things, but the latest thing is I kind of wait for her to fall asleep and make sure she's gone and then I just jerk off. Yeah. Very exciting. Yeah. Do you watch something on your phone or do you use your imagination? Apparently that wakes her up. So yeah, you got to keep on the DL, you know. But yeah, headphones help. But then again, she's just watching it for three minutes and you don't even know. She's just calling her name out and like, ah, man. So she's sleeping and you're jerking off. Yeah, yeah. And then it's children's books, you say you're right? Yeah, for adults. For adults. They're for slow adults. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, for real, it's a book for a child. I brought you guys some today, actually. You did? Yeah, if you guys would like. That's different. You usually give out books. Yeah, yeah. Let's see. Where's one at? They're coming right now, I believe. Wow. He has an assistant. Let me see one of those, Heidi. Let's see what we got here. What do we got? So these are based on my stand-up, so they're hilarious. Wow. There must be bedtime stories then. Okay. Based on stand-up comedy by Chateau, Stevie J moves to the burbs. Stevie J... Chad, what is your actual full last name? It's hard to pronounce. I'm Chateau Shefsky, but it's spelled O-L-S-H-A-V-S-K-Y. So, yeah. Oh. Yeah, Chateau. I noticed, just looking through this real quick, half the time you use Stevie J, but then other times you just use Stevie. Like, what's going on here? Why would I? Yeah, some people don't use their last name all the time. It's just sometimes, you know? No. Yeah, thanks for pointing out the continuity of my errors. Yeah. This looks like a book about Jesus. Yeah, it's based on my... myself, obviously, you know? Oh, wait. So, your wife is the illustrator? Yes, she is. Oh, but why didn't you say that? Well, these are unbelievable illustrations. Can we not make everything about the bitch? Come on. She's kind of... Wait, that's not AI? That's really good illustrations. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. She does good. Red Band thinks it's AI. Is your wife AI? Actually, my wife is not, but she does use AI and then Photoshop to make them. Wow. AI is very... This is like Disney-quality type artwork. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it really is. She does good work. Yeah, it's really hard to get AI to be consistent, and she does a really good job making it happen like that. Wow. Prompter. Promps. Yeah, yeah. Make better. Make better. Make better. Make better. Oh, this is good enough. Yeah. Good enough. It's amazing being able to utilize AI for your art. It's just incredible. Make a little better. More urban. More urban. Okay, Chateau. You have a little joke book? I got a big one last time. Okay, well, there you go. Ladies and gentlemen, that's Chateau. We're going to keep it moving along. Chateau after Ari Maddie is like... It's like a... It's like a... It's like a sugar-free lemonade after a shot of tequila or something like that. Oh, my goodness. Look at that. Speak of the devil. Heidi. All right, this looks like a new name. This could be fun. Make some noise for Julio, everybody. We're going to meet Julio out of the bucket right now. Right now. Wow. Julio. So, my mom raised an autism child, and raised me, and ended up wishing both her kids turned out retards. My dad... I was getting in a lot of trouble, so my dad was like, hey, I get in trouble when I hang out with my friend, my best friend, Johnny Walker. He gives me invisibility powers. So, I'm like... You mean like superhero? He's like, yeah, every time I go with my friend, and I get home, and your mom looks at me and goes, I can't even look at you right now. Can't even see you like this. I used to be gay. I went to one of those, pray the gay out of you Jesus camps. And now I'm having all kinds of heterosexual sex. Wow. There you go, bro. Julio. Amazing. I have so many questions. Wow! You're excited. Hi, Julio. Welcome. Hi. I'm very first comedian. Very first comedian. First time doing the same. First time doing the same. I've been to two over, Mike. Okay, I love it. You can barely fucking speak the language. This is incredible right now. Absolutely amazing. So far so good, Julio. Thank you. Yeah, man. I got more. Puerto Rico! Whoa! Hell yeah. Wow. You're like... Okay. How long have you been in America? How many days have you been in America? January 99. January 99. January of 1999. Excuse the footing. There's a lot of whys. The month of January. 99. She's mine. Okay, so Julio, what do you... From San Juan or where about Puerto Rico? It's like by a mountain like ten miles away. It's a metro area, yeah. Okay. Alright, okay. The metro area of San Juan. Are you a word you gay or is that just a joke? Look at the watch, bro. Look at the watch. She's still gay. Sorry, bro. It's a relo. I'm ambiguous now. I didn't know if that was a genuine... It's the kind of stuff I dream about. You went to a Jesus camp or whatever it was? No, that's just for the joke. My imagination. Talk loud, Julio. My imagination for joke. Oh, so you're straight. So you're straight. Okay, okay. He's definitely not fucking straight, Sal. What are you talking about? You said you're having all kinds of straight sex. How many kinds are there? Coming to Kilton is like when you go to the Oracle. You know, I'm like, yeah, I want to find out if I'm really gay or not. Wow. I need live subtitles right now. This is incredible. I'm calling ICE. Puerto Rico is part of America, I know. He's from Puerto Rico. Wait, Stoning and I'll learn that Puerto Rico is part of America. I fucking know. I love it. I'll use them incorrectly. I didn't think I would understand someone less than Pamela. Yeah, exactly. It is yin, kreta, but... Dude, I'll be able to figure that out. Okay. Why? Like so that you're going to understand me. Okay. You're doing good. Julio, what do you do for work? I'm a flight simulator technician. Wait, what do you mean? Like a video game for airplanes that real pilots train on. Yeah, you actually do that? I used to build them before I worked maintaining them. Wow. Badass. Look at that. That's incredible. Badass. He doesn't have to speak to do that. Yeah, exactly. That's amazing, Julio. And you've been doing that for how long? Since oh three. Okay. All right. And do you have a steady lover right now in your life? Is there... Yeah. Okay. What's... Is it a simulator? You can't get cauliflower from a simulator. Say what you want. So where'd you meet this guy at? Tell us about it, Julio. I'm actually a machine. What? My bicycle. It's my lover. Your bicycle? What are you saying? Hope it's not Aries. What do you mean? I only dance with the machine, so like, I don't... E-bike. Julio, stick with me here. What's your actual love life like in real life? I'm swimming in it. You're swimming in asshole. What do you do, like, when you wanna... I'm like, if they tell me, oh, that was deep, Julio. And I'm like, I'm trying to touch your heart. You know? Jesus Christ, red band. I'm trying to conduct a professional interview over here. And I got you fart noises out of my left ear. I can't understand a single fucking word this guy's saying. I'm a little nervous. That's it. This guy fucking will not come all the way out of the closet. It's the craziest thing. He's like peeking through the door from the inside of the closet. It's like, come on out, Julio. I know you're in there. We know you're in there, Julio. Come out. What's going on? Are you afraid like Mama and Papa are watching from the metro area? I know. San Juan, Puerto Rico. I bet they're proud. Did they know you're gay? Your mom lives in San Antonio. Your mom lives in San Antonio? Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, the Puerto Rico of Texas. I love it. Yeah, yeah, pretty much. Does your mom know you're gay? I guess she knows now. Wow. Wait, sorry. So you are gay? Yes, he's gay. This fucking guy is gay. I'm playing along. The more you speak, the more... I feel really comfortable with my sexuality. So it's like, no big deal. No big deal. Like, so are you gay or straight? I wish I liked hairy asses, you know, because that would be pretty cool. Okay. You're into women. Yeah, yeah. And guys. No. Have you ever been in... Bicycles. I mean, like... Bicycles. You're a beautiful man, Tony. Yes, I know. Thank you. Wow. There you go. Wow, how many of you think I should butt fuck this guy right now? There you go. That's right. Okay, Kino, you don't have to do the light thing. You don't have to make the lights go crazy. Jesus, Kino. Relax back there. All right. So the last person that you had sex with in real life was a woman. Where did you meet this lady at? On dating site. Talk loud, Julio. On a dating site? Dating site. What was the dating site? It was like Tinder, I think. Tinder. Okay. I'm on all of them. I have a dating site, of course, because that's what straight guys do. They get on all of the sites. Okay, so did you go on a date with her? Did you go to a restaurant or something? Yes. What type of restaurant did you go to? We went to the Blue Star, Blue Star Art District, San Antonio, they have a house on, or whatever. A Hacienda. And they have tabletop smores. If you want to smash on the first date, get tabletop smores. Table top scores s'mores more s'mores more okay, we're should I just translate for you? Yes Absolutely, I love in Espanol way. You let me go This is so frustrating I feel like a yeah back mom back in the day I'll write it out. I love it So what made you want to start stand-up comedy here today Julio? I've always known I've had good ideas in my town. They call Gabriel. What the fuck you got out of this one Can I get a translator for my translator See I'm pretty new one has ideas fuck I don't understand him in Spanish Ha He said he always has good ideas okay good ideas whoa red band Wow look at that That's that Advil talking yeah The sugar-coated Advil Julio tell us more. What do you do for fun? Tell us more about yourself mash s'mores. Yeah I write BMX bikes BMX bikes so you're a bike writer flatland BMX. Yeah, I mean I try If I have money I go to Puerto Rico and go big wave boogie boarding. Oh, wow boogie boarding. Okay All right, you're way more interesting than you let on when you speak Yeah, that's an insult I just mean like you're all over the place and you're hard to Understand and then you say stuff like you simulate programs of flight instructors and you go wakeboarding and I'm like alright I like I don't you're I'm confused. I'm very confused. I Have a brother with autism. Yeah. Yeah, okay. I wasn't sure like what was real what it wasn't you're confused. Yes dear diary jackpot Wow Alright, let me ask you this is your first time doing a big show like this Did you have more jokes on that paper that you didn't get to do we you want to do them? All right here? You go do some more jokes. I want to know what else Julio has here Everything starts with a Y Here he goes doing another Since I'm older Sometimes it doesn't work all the time so I Pray to Jesus to raise my penis lacerous from the dead Okay, let's do another one I always He writes like he talks coming to exam it's a Station for trans black women wait, what is trans black women? What about it radio station radio station for trans black women? Yes, okay. It's called transistor There's a barrier that's a great joke I've been right there you go That's good Julio. I have a my I work on my electric bike try to make it faster And now it identifies as a motorcycle so it's like very good You have some cute jokes Julio. Thank you Totally gay Thank you, oh my god, I'm super stoked We only call they damn conjoined to lean ah I love it singular twin. You weren't really heavy on that second page with the drink I What Come on give us one more Julio can I read one so let me read one. I don't think you can read it I want to see this looks like a ransom letter Okay Okay, I got I got a joke Okay, do it do on Julio and while I try to decipher this This fucking zodiac killer I always am I writing with shit So like if I sent a threat letter that people will believe it hold on do the do the one with the chica that chola will cut you Oh like I Got a type is that kind of Mexican girl that you'd never ever ever catch out of Taco Bell kind of Mexican chick that will talk behind your back about how you didn't speak in Spanish to her and The kind of chica that will cut you if you get a twisted with her So I'm gonna clap her cheeks until she agrees with everything I say Wow Amazing that wasn't a joke so much as a grievance followed by a threat Yeah, still sound gay Yes I swear I'm gonna clap her cheeks until she tells me everything about being a woman that I want to know Okay, can you do the NXT kukaracha smash So yeah, like so my I get to smash that kukaracha when I get me Nice Mexican girl How about the alpha male bully? Oh my brother was a bully so I guess he's an alpha male And now I'm a nerd so that makes me alphabetical. Oh My god, you're adorable Wow, what's the patience? What's the patience fist I Sometimes I get impatient and I tell myself self No fisting ever starts by you punching on a vagina Fuck yeah, dude, I could watch a full hour review How about How about Cripples what do you got for cripples with one P? I hate it when I go to six flags and all the front parking spots are our handicap and none of the cripples showed up I Love it all the best jokes you didn't do you did a reverse It's almost like I fell for your plot here like let me see your jokes and then you have like a bunch of work Huh the bait work. Yeah worked. You tricked me. This is probably how we're gonna end up butt fucking later You're tricking me Okay, what about we but GF What oh, yeah, I walked in on this girl that I was seeing with the Wii remote of her but I was like, oh honey, you're doing it wrong Alright one last one one last one I want to know cheer for him let him walk away. No Let him walk away on the chair. Uh-uh. No, it's not that easy. This is a Cinderella story 16 what one you're back ahead to San Anto broke one last one. You ready for it? I want to know exterminator cracks crack. Oh, yeah, so like Che whenever I role play I want to be the exterminator so you You go and I show up on realistically like fast And I come to fumicate your cracks and crevices My god Wow Oh There's a big joke book Julio absolutely unbelievable debut performance Who will keep writing and come back sign up and do it again. Okay. Yes. Thank you. You're welcome Julio ladies and gentlemen with an unbelievable debut performance here on kill Tony with a 17 minute and 20 second long interview. That's how you know there's potential there Let me remind you that Chateau had about a four minute long interview So Chateau's been doing it for years Julio comes in here with a scrappy piece of paper And ends up stealing the show You didn't even know is that I'm just rattling crap. We still don't know gay or straight We will never know don't matter Julio killed it the premises Didn't make any sense and there were no punchlines. How do we share this name? We love him. I wish he had more if he would have pulled out another piece of paper I would have just done the rest of the show with him. I Would add everyone else go home tell these people they can all hit the road Because we're gonna have fun with Julio Unfortunately, we ran out of we ran out of dates. That was fun. I Love that's what you love about this show, right? It's just the chaos anything can happen Dreams coming true for a young gay straight man The all-new 2026 Toyota RAV4 is here building on everything drivers know and love about Toyota With a redesigned look and modern tech that makes life behind the wheel easier than ever the new RAV4 comes standard as a hybrid providing smooth efficient performance for both city streets and longer journeys enjoy the legendary Reliability Toyota is known for in the all-new 2026 RAV4 learn and shop more at Toyota comm Toyota. Let's go places Fan duel is dropping bonus bets into everyone's account for the tournament All you have to do is opt in to claim your bonus, but don't wait these bonus bets are only available for a limited time Fan duel play your game 21 plus and present in select states bonus issued as non-withdrawable bonus bets Which expire seven days after receipt max bonus $500 unless otherwise specified restrictions apply see terms at sportsbook.fandall.com gambling problem call 1-800 gambler all right your next bucket pool we're gonna meet them all together makes some noise for Chris Miller everybody here We go Hey guys, I've I've been playing basketball with same group of guys for 20 years We went to breakfast the other morning We were talking about things that we did when we were a kid and my buddy Kenny He's a black guy and I said Kenny. I said did you ever run around your neighborhood and Ring doorbells and run when you were a kid and he goes. Yes. I did and I said What'd you call that? And he looked at me he says Chris I called that the same thing you called that And I said I said okay. I apologize. I apologize my friend. He goes. No, that's just what we called it And I said all right. I said well now I've got a 25 year old son So when my son was the age where they would run around neighborhood ring doorbells and run he Everybody had a ring camera. So all my neighbors are sending me videos. So the The kids get home and I go guys. What are y'all doing? My son goes dad. We're ding dong ditching I was like, would you call it? He goes dad? We're ding dong ditching I threw my arms up in my in my living room and my son goes dad. What are you doing? And I go Don't worry about it All you need to know is I'm a better dad than my dad was All right. Thank you guys All right, Chris Hi Chris, how are you somehow a red band like that? Yeah exactly what you're talking Yeah, you guys are the same age so that makes sense Sal I Understood Julio more. Yeah Who do you have any notes in your pocket? Anyway notes. Do you have any notes? No notes. Okay, Chris. Let's talk about it. How long you've been one stand up two months Two months and how long have you been selling insurance? What do you do for a salesman, but I don't sell insurance. I actually have I have a website this on Shopify Wow amazing. We love Shopify not a lot of people know this But if you use the promo code kill Tony you can start your own Shopify for an amazing amazing deal Okay, you married kids the whole thing. Yep been married 28 years. I've got three awesome kids awesome What's the most exciting thing about your life like what's something that would surprise us about you because you seem like just a real plain glass of water Well, I would say All my kids are fairly normal and I think the reason is is that all three of my kids have walked in on us having sex Wow, okay, and what did what have they seen? Well? I'm not never asking that question, but all I know is when you know when you've been married a long time and when your wife says You know is the door locked? I mean you say yes, right? So I mean I go to the casino. I always bet on red and At least one time with each child. It was on black Wow Incredible Do you really have a black friend named Kenny? Yeah? Yeah, I play basketball for 20 years the same guys Wow What does Kenny do for a living? He works for AT&T, but I don't know he's got a HR department, so we probably shouldn't talk too much about him, right? Absolutely, we don't want to cost a man his job What do you guys I you know the joke You put a lot of like it definitely was thought out and you put a lot into it I think somewhere along the line Maybe you missed a set of something cuz I I want to I want to understand what the punchline of the joke Yeah, so because at first out throws me a race thing, but then it wasn't and then I asked for it It's a race thing back in the day. Ding dong and ditch was called something else That's how we all used to say the n words as kids. It was inward knocking. That's what they used to call it What that is what it was? It was called n word knocking except we weren't we didn't call it the n word you said the word But what is but what is ding dong ditch? That's what the kids call it these days, but we call it ring and run Ring and run what the fuck? I'm from the East Coast which is so better than this so I don't know Wow full heel turn for some volcano did you guys did you guys understand this joke? Okay, all right. Well, well No, cuz I was so interested you had me and I was like waiting on it And then you got it into the cat and I was like let's hear it and I didn't get it Nobody understood his joke so I'm gonna do something very very special right now here to translate His joke for us make some noise for Julio everybody here. He is Julio come back out Send Julio out You need to champ Julio Julio now I gotta I gotta ask you Julio what what was he talking about up here this guy just just go ahead and explain it to us You want to have him retell the joke so that Julio can do it And I'll step say that again you want to have him read to do the joke so Julio can can do you know translate it Julio What do you think it meant? Did you pick catch any of it? No, like I was talking on the phone The fuck who the fuck were you talking on the phone with to my mom. Oh my god, really? You still have your phone on you you have it on you right now Let's call Julio's mom real quick I want to talk to your mom. What's your mom's name Esperanza Esperanza. Oh my goodness gracious Okay, call her and put it on speaker and then hand it over to me over here Here just hit send Yeah, you have to turn it back on okay, red band the phone doesn't ring when you're calling a person She speaks really good. She don't okay. I think she's great at it, but she is The sound effect of an antique phone Well Julio is trying to turn on his little cricket over here I Have a special plan It works in Puerto Rico and only Texas all right it only this phone only work in San Antonio All right They're ringing it's not ringing maybe it's Wanting to connect to my headphones or something I love that it says my mind on it like it's written mom It's not mom. It's my mom. Yeah, that's why I don't disrespect women I go on a lot of dates because of that I Also had a scrotum tuck What bra bra, I don't know you want to know this So so old balls that's not me I hear it Hello Esperanza, it's me Tony La show kill Tony show Hello Esperanza, I'm with your son Julio. Yes Wow you speak better English than he does Esperanza he your son is becoming a star in real time. How do you feel about this? I know? The crowd is chanting his name Esperanza have you seen the hit show in practical jokers before? No Your son's gay I Esperanza serious question it sounds making a joke here, but we are very curious because Julio Is very very likable. He's a good-looking guy But we're noticing that he kind of has you know Feminine tendencies in some of his quick responses like when he doesn't have enough time to think about it He's kind of he kind of yeah, go ahead He's kind of feminine like kind of like kind kind of kind of gay, you know what I'm sorry Hey say say Marie Kong I know Marie Kong. Yes Julio is a Mary corn Not American not a Marie corn. Oh Yeah, he's not American. There's a fine line between American and gay in Spanish Marie Kong He is American yes What do you got I didn't get that I I tried that I don't want to accept something Huh, she's saying I don't accept something that I'm Marie corn. Okay. Have you ever seen him with a woman? With many women Oh Esperanza are you in San Antonio or Puerto Rico? I'm in San Antonio. Wow you sound very hot What do you what do you do for work are you a What do you do? Right, that's right. I grew up on this ball I because of her Wow, even he looks like me. Oh You have a little facial hair Yes Esperanza you're a legend. Thanks for taking the call Oh What No, you're you're it that's how crazy the show is is randomly sometimes we just call people Is it tell us the craziest thing about your life before I let you go you ever have to do anything? Wild what do you think makes you special and different than everybody else? I'm special What What hello, yes What's the craziest thing you've ever done in the bedroom with another man? No That's Craziest thing she ever did was make Julio She's like there was this one guy he's dig look like cauliflower Ask her about the shootout, you know by this by the sound of your voice Esperanza before I let you go You seem like the kind of woman that has seen like the Virgin Mary and a piece of toast or something like that Is that true? Have you seen the Virgin Mary before? Okay, I'm gonna let you go Esperanza past your bedtime go get some sleep. Okay. I love you. Thank you. I'll see you soon Let's let's take a note. Let's just take notice of how boring chris miller is as a human being That we'd rather talk to the last guy's mother than to talk to chris miller anymore Chris thanks for uh, thanks for coming out here. Here's a little joke book Julio stay for another second chris. You can go ahead on back Chris sign up again come back again do something a little punchier than uh, than one long story so julio how I love it. You're having the time of your life. You already have called your mom There's a guy there's another guy named Julio who was just calling you well by the way Well, I was on the phone with your mom so people know your family already knows what's going on right now Oh, that's my son. Oh, you have a son junior. I have three boys. You have three boys. Yeah Yeah This whole time I spent 17 minutes trying to figure out. Yeah, exactly I have a whole set of jokes about how I'm black where it counts About how you're what I'm black where it counts Wow in what way you're never gonna guess my age because black don't crack Okay Well, you're not that black because you're present in your child's lives. So How old are how old are your three boys? uh, 2014 and 12 How old are you? I'm gonna be 49 in november. Wow When 16 Funny the three of us 49 hey, let's party 9 49 49. Oh go play lotto tomorrow. Yeah Look at that. That's incredible. Okay, Julio one more thing tell us something about your life before I let you go yet again That would surprise us about when I was a little kid I was riding in the car with my mom coming home from school And there was a car to car shoot out in portorico And I opened the window like it was my day to have a gun battle and I pulled out my toy rifle and I pointed it out the people And my mom was like you're gonna get us killed and she like sped out of their place and then Stopped by a bridge and did the most gangster thing I've ever seen her say See her do like broke the thing with her knee and threw it over a bridge. Wow Esperanza is a bad bitch. I love it Julio Julio Julio I'm gonna do something i've never done before i'm gonna give you a second big joke book to give to esperanza. How about that? There you go And bring her next time you come here bring her and I'll just give you your next appearance next time you have a full minute Next time you write another minute Bring her and we'll we'll interview you guys together. Okay. So I love it one more time for Julio everybody Julio Julio Julio Julio Julio It's a magical bucket tonight anything can happen your next bucket pool goes by the name ladies and gentlemen of Jordan Yates everybody here comes Jordan Yates Damn Julio was tall as hell I was so guys so uh I'm just gonna get down to it. I got married this year and i'm quite frankly lucky my wife is still with me You know because I tried to shave my beard off recently, you know and she doesn't like the stub You let he know about the stub Because I went in for a little smooching she was like It's rough It's coarse It's itchy and I hate it But if you all ever had to deal with a little lady stubble before Come on fellas There you go. You know what I'm talking about. You know when you're trying to visit the roses and you get the thorns So I try to eat a peach through a cheese grater I'm just down there trying to get some delicious fruit Meanwhile my lips are getting the parmesan treatment I mean they're like the fucking olive garden waiter like say when baby I By the way fellas she always wants more parmesan come on Wow Amazing jordan yates welcome welcome. This is your first time on the show, right? Yeah. Hell. Yeah. How long you been on stand up? Uh about seven years now seven years. We're at Um from dallas originally been here in austin for the last two years. Nice. I love it. You have such a great fucking look and a presence Real star power. Um, what do you do for work? Uh stand up full time since the beginning of the year. So Amazing amazing. How's that going for you? Oh man a lot of time in nebraska, dude. Yeah That's where you're big you're huge in nebraska. No. Oh, they just like my cowboy hat. Okay All right, we're like he's one of us let him in tell us what doing stand up in nebraska is like Uh, well almost got my ass kicked the first time Because I have this I have this joke about how I'm a bad cowboy. I look like a farmer that exclusively farms soy Turns out a lot of soy in nebraska A lot of big old boys that farm it What's your love life like you seem like you'd be fun to cuddle with Oh, yeah, that's what my wife tells me dude. I got a wife that i'm in love with and she's incredible Her name's ester for anybody who needs to know wow, okay Very nice. You have kids Do I have kids not yet, dude? Are you trying you pumping her filled with cowboy come? man Digging the spurs in dude fucking All right I love it. Do you have any special moves in the bedroom? Any any crazy cowboy moves or well? I always start off with the magic mic first. I hit it without oh, you know what i'm saying Wow, and then most of the time i'm just you know laying there. Yeah, that sounds about right How did you meet your wife? Uh tinder. Oh shit. Hey roose linda her mom. We met at church You like a matthew mccana. Hey wrapped in an action bronson. Yeah That's what i'm going for Amazing tell us. Do you have any other special skills or talents or anything? Any special I can clap with one hand. Let's hear it Wow That sounded like something else, but all right. Yeah What did you do before you got into stand-up sales for a long time dude? I did corporate real estate sales Yeah, I know pretty shitty. No you sold real estate. Yeah, I sold office space of all things Yeah, I know were you good at it? Actually, yeah, it paid a lot better than this does i'm gonna be honest Yeah, tell us like give us an example pretend like we're here and you're selling us an office space Give us an example of what that would sound like. Hey, this is jordan with regis I'm calling to follow up with you about your inquiry on our offices Yeah, saw that you were looking for something the dallas area. Tell you what? I think I got a few options, but I want to hear a little bit more about what you need from the space Well, you know, i'm looking who's like the wolf of wall street right there I'm looking for something like a you know a couple thousand square feet I don't need much space because I don't want to have to pay for the air conditioning. I know it gets hot up there in dallas So, uh, you know, uh, you have anything like that. You have anything small. Yeah, I tell you what we can definitely hook you up Uh, when you're saying that you're looking for a couple thousand square feet of space Are you wanting that to be something that you're going to use for your personal use? Or do you have a team that we need to get set up for? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah to all that Yeah, I don't make me do this anymore, please Dude, but I love the fact that you code switch like that you went from calm and cowboy dude and all of a sudden I'm like, I'm ready to sign a lease Yeah Amazing stuff. What does your wife do for work? Uh, she works for the state. Uh, she was in the capital for a few years and she now works for a state agency Okay, she's a responsible one. She's doing process improvement Pretty much. Yeah. Amazing Amazing. What's your you have an apartment or a house? What are you? Yeah, we live in an apartment off of riverside out here in austin's one bedroom Uh, two bedrooms. I got it like that. Wow. What do you do with the second bedroom? You have a little vinyl record player in there pretty much. Yeah I used to work out of it, but now I just use it to store my boots. I think is how many pairs of boots do you have? Two. Wow Amazing Absolutely incredible. You're so likeable. Wow. Thank you, man. Good for you. Do you go to church? I used to I used to be a youth pastor. Okay. Can you give us an example of what some of your pastor skills would look like? Oh, here we go Here he is Youth pastor chris miller. Can you sell me on christ? Hey everybody I want you to look into your hearts tonight And I want you to tell me have you seen christ in there recently Tell me is your heart filled with sin? Is it filled with temptation? Well, you can be redeemed amen through the power of jesus christ Wow, absolutely incredible Tell sim kids like so many lives in one body. You know what I mean? It's like Amazing Often space you want to get saved you want to laugh? Hell yeah, and you eat pussy. Amen brother. Fuck. Yeah Chris guy Or I mean actually you're not chris. I'm not chris was the other guy. Yeah, fuck that jordan jordan yates What's that? What was your childhood like? Country country parents actually well my dad grew up in elgin. Would you just 30 minutes outside of austin here? But the rest of my family is from oak leaf, which is south dallas And then I have a grandmother from france. I've got all sorts of weird things going on. Wow. I didn't even fancy that No way you speak french. Yeah Whoa, oh my god, he speaks every language better than julio Very fun set you're so charismatic and so likeable welcome to the killtony universe. Here's a big joke How fun how exciting Jordan yates ladies and gentlemen We're really doing it red band. We're really doing it All right, let's do something fun right now I have yet another special treat for you ladies and gentlemen a killtony hall of famer one of the greatest regulars in the show's history wants to come out and do a minute One of the greatest comedians in our history one of the best roasters in the world Ladies and gentlemen make some noise for the rare return of the great david lucas Yeah Uh, I've been falling asleep to black noise lately It's just videos of cops putting handcuffs on niggas And the occasional smoke detector beep Football season is here Yeah, a lot of white guys play fantasy football Uh, I've realized that fantasy football is virtual slavery for white guys Because y'all get to pick y'all favorite niggas Who runs the fastest who jumps the highest? I like that say quen barkley that nigga jumped over somebody backwards last year 300 years later, we still can't make money off of white man's back There's no goddamn fantasy pickleball league All right, that's my time thank you, bro the legend david lights out lucas Absolutely doing it again Incredible the black noise premise and the niggas got old black brah virtual slavery Incredible jokes david. I like fluffy that nigga look like a character from guess who? Can you call me the n word again, huh? Can you call me the n word again nigga? Yeah You can say you just got to say it like vinegar What is wrong with this motherfucker back here, bro? What the fuck they're very excited to see you They I don't think they have many of you around here Hey, red, but I know what you was talking about back where I'm from they used to call that shit nigga knocking That's what they called it. They called it. I was trying to wait till I came up to say it But it was called nigga knocking that is true That is what we call it. You can only say it so many times in a minute or else youtube flags it so don't say it again There is you gotta bleep it they have a certain they'll say vinegar knocking Again, that's probably the limit It's robots. They're not really gonna pick up on that vins so much Hey, bro, have you seen this shit on the internet? So the internet found out that marlou the king was cheating on his wife and they've made a lot of ai out of this Negro Yes vinegar. Have you you hit this vinegar, bro? Stop red man. You got to say vinegar guy. Yeah Bro, they had they they had an episode of marlou the king on moray today, bro, that shit was so oh my god Yeah, this sora Ai stuff is out of control right now. It is stronger than ever. I see the ai version of you, bro Like manly that big I Cheekbones wasn't so high, you know what I'm saying? This nigga cheekbones high as hell boy. You look like a baby deer in the face Do you have cheekbones are they under there somewhere? I know you got booty cheekbones. Oh come on How dare you say I be having booty cheekbones That's true. I do sometimes I be making them clap That's what the kids are saying. I make my booty cheekbones a clap Yes, yes, it's true. Yes, I do right man. I do. Yeah, I do Tony you skinny though, bro. I bet when you take your clothes off your g-string be back How do you know I wear a g-string Yeah, that should look like the tampon string hanging out Oh my god, you got me good there martin luther burger king Holy shit Oh my god, you are morbidly obese In a morbidly game. Oh That's not even a thing. That's a word, but you are morbidly gay That is incredible Okay, what do we think he is a 3x 4x? Oh 3x. All right fluffy a fat nigga like me, huh? Oh, no You heard That's how black people talk when they try to get they point across they go to a falsetto voice. Yeah Why are you tripping over $200 man? Come on now I'm not gonna let you go No No No No No No No No No No No No No Why you be looking at my dog What else is going on in life david? What have you been up to man? You know what i'm saying, bro You know, we got a couple of projects. We're working on this shit. Yep me and tony have something amazing coming to the world I promise you guys are going to be Just don't hang on saying. Yes. Yeah, it's a sex tape. Yes. It is It is I have sex with someone on top of david lucas I use him as a temp erpedic mattress Purple purple. Yeah It's a purple drank mattress You heard a temp erpedic. This is an orthopedic Oh my goodness. Yeah, bro, but that's it, you know, uh trying to make moves in the in the scene Orcopedic you said Roasted bitch you look like an invisible friend get your motherfucking up If you ask your kids what they friend look like they draw this nigga You look like an invisible friend is somehow one of the greatest roast jokes i've ever heard in my life What does your friend look like drawing? I What's his name sal volcano? Oh my god That don't even sound like a real name like if your kids told you that shit you'd be like, oh, yeah cool, baby Sal volcano. Yeah, I know him You've been on tour or anything lately sir. I'm on tour right now, bro. I'm all over the world I got fucking wearing back nashville chicago west covena buffalo new york rochester sandiago pull up on your boy Wow, look at that. Yeah, and the killers are killed tony tour. Yeah, you know what i'm saying It's one of the greatest tours out there right now people come and they're surprised that we have 20 minutes Because they don't see us for a minute at a time Yeah, but a lot of the best on the in this show's history out there putting on great shows incredible stuff And me and fluffy found out we both got a love for cars. Yeah, I was about to bring that up. Okay. Yeah, tell us about it What do you got 80 but he got like 70 Really? I know right I don't have a cocaine habit so I got to spend the money That usually gets a laugh anyway Goodness that's incredible. He's got some sick cars You have some sick cars. You have some of the most you have the biggest collection. I think of volkswagen buses, right? Like It's incredible. You guys have been collecting carbs for a long time and uh Tony I know you get a car with a seat warmer ain't it bitch I do I love my seat warmer and my steering wheel warmer too. I have a steering wheel warmer, but I had a hole in the middle of the seat Son of a bitch I would take you for a ride if you fit in a corvette, but unfortunately It's a little too low. You're gonna put me in the bitch seat. You got it. I ride. I ride Come on now. You know I ride Makes noise for the great david lucas ladies and gentlemen Go catch them on tour They're crushing All right, it's so fucking funny. It's amazing. I love that. I got a chance to see him in vegas Part of you know the roast and stuff the roast nobody saw yeah, yeah Yeah, but he killed it there too. We had so much fun. So that was a legendary night. So funny Um so fun. All right one last bucket pool make some noise for dom lamarca everybody dom lamarca Uh Today's actually a really big day for me. I'm uh three months clean Thank you. Thank you. I have uh been showering Still on tons of drugs, but I smell like dove now. It's pretty sick My uh My job recently fired me for my punctuality And I was just like, you know, what does my grammar have to do with any of this? So you guys should be way more worried about the fact I'm late every day Like please not this my job was to uh roll burritos Which was cool, but by the end of every shift my tongue was so dry They like caught on that's how I was rolling too. They're like, what's going on? Why burritos always have filters? It's like Uh I've been going on job interviews though. So that's been cool. I wanted a job interview the our day It didn't go well. I walked in and the first thing the guy says when he sees me. He's like you seem love And it's like, oh, he's like, yeah, man. Are you high or tired? I was like, I am both It's like, but I think if we put them together, I'm hired Thank you guys so much Fuck yeah, dom lamarca. Great stuff. How long you been on stand-up? Almost seven years seven years. We're at I started in Long Island and then I've been out here for like two years. Nice. And what do you actually do for work? Uh, I was working at jersey mics and then they fired me. They really did fire you for being late Uh, no, they didn't really give me a reason actually. I think it was just me fundamentally as a person Unfortunately, they uh, there's like, yeah the owner the manager's like the owner said you got to go I'm like, wow. Yeah, that's crazy. Yeah, it's unfortunate Do you have a new job? Uh, I'm working for door-dash right now. Okay. I normally don't like so you still walk into that jersey mics Yeah, I do I do I pick up orders next to them and I'll look in and I'll be like sucks to suck guys You know, like yeah, I'm like I'm freelance now. It's pretty sick Dude, I had a door-dash order last week. I looked at it and it was just for a plan B Pretty crazy. Yeah. I was like, holy shit. You mean to tell me I deliver so you don't like Wow, I love it. Hell yeah You're doing it. Fuck. Yeah. I love it. What else do you do? What do you do for fun? For fun, uh, play board games. I shoot music videos also for some of the hip hop scene in austin Wow, yeah, you led with board games though What kind of board games are we talking about? What's your specialty? Dude, I I'm sick at exploding kittens Wow, I've never heard of this game before. What is exploding kittens exactly? It's this game that got like kick started a few years ago and that just blew up into popularity and she's Basically, if you grab an exploding kitten, you explode unless you could diffuse it. That's It's a board game the more I talk about the less sense it's gonna make the car the cars It's like there's a card in there. It's like taco cat. Like I'm not gonna. Yeah, it's a card game It's taco cats. Yeah the same backwards than it is forward Wow, that's true. See red button. No, it's true red bed. Wow. That's so so it's bust the nut and a tuna sub What Hold on. Is that why you got fired? I saw that online. I saw that online. The no, that's not why I got fired That's not dude. I was making these videos while I was at work there too. I thought they would have fired me for that And nothing like yeah Is it really bust a nut and a tuna sub is the same exact thing? Wow, it is. Yeah. Well, I mean I just figured out what he said The internet told me that the other day and they would not lie to me That's my well, it would be busta You gotta write it down. Yeah, it would be busta Yeah, that ain't no taco cat busta. Yeah, it'd be busta Race car is the same backwards. Did you know that? No, I didn't but I just saw it in my head when you said that that's awesome. Yeah Yeah, you say you shot hip hop videos. Yeah. Yeah. Well anybody that we might know Uh Matt the dub he's a comic too. He's been on here before other than that just local dudes Yeah, no one that you guys know people that you will hear of one day Yeah, if we recognize the rapper from being pulled out of the bucket on this show, I don't think it's exactly the highest level I know dude. I've been telling In mexican ot's dm's like, please man. I live in texas. Just let me shoot one for you. Give me a chance Hell yeah, you know what I like about you is that you have The stoner vibe, but you're not like too tired or anything you have like an In an inordinate amount of energy for what you're for who you are That make I drank a bang before this. Oh, okay That'll do it. That was my prep for the day. I was like smoke half and drink a bang Wow, look at you for killtony and you're in tip top shape. Look at that for those of you watching smoke pot and drink a bang Some people are like a little bit of play board put on when they come on here and then like stoner people But you are seem very authentic with yourself. It's very endearing That word. Yeah, it's true. I cannot believe savocato. Just say that to me. That's so cool, dude I'm like sincerely like I've been watching you for a while. See you're not invisible That's wild. Yeah, that's amazing. Tell us more about your life anything else crazy we should know about you You're one of the best-looking trans women I've ever seen I Yeah Is that I've been asked, dude, I used to paint my nails and like I remember when I was doing that like I went to the 7-11 I'd been going to my whole life. This guy's known me for 19 years and he's like, oh, you're a lady now And I was like, no Yeah, it's crazy Yeah You know who you remind you of remember that snl skit with chris folly was like remember Like it was like two minutes ago. It's like that's that was crazy. That's good. Remember that one time What's your love life like? It's pretty dry right now a little hectic, but yeah, I feel like I have a habit of dating crazy girls Yeah, what was it like when you dropped off that plan b? Dude Okay, so actually I was supposed to go in the store and buy it for them and I got in the store and they were at a stock So I had to call him and like Had to go to plan c Yeah, no 100% I was just like, hey man, like they're out like you're screwed, but just keep being a city boy Who like like put bill for life, man? Yeah Fuck yeah, it sounded like he needed to hear it honestly He's like, thank you last date you were on what's that like what's going on on a date with dom lamarca door dash The duke of door dash. What's that like? It's it's kind of like that date from half bake where he's just trying to spend as little as possible That's that's really what it's like. So like the last date you went on. What did you do? Were you what type of thrifty maneuvers did you do? Hey thrifting And actually the what thrifting thrifting. Yeah, you go the thrift store Then you go Taco Bell You got like a little pack of Cinnabon delights after and then you go to Barton, but on the free sign Hell yeah, and did did you end up? I figured out man. Did you end up closing with that girl? Uh, yeah, yeah, so what did you do? Where'd you make a love door at in your car? No, no in my apartment that three other dudes also lived in Wow How many bathrooms in this ford do department? We all got our own bathroom. Whoa. You do it without That's amazing. Yeah, and unfortunately leading on to the trans side of things mine is the cleanest Everyone has to use it. I'm the most feminine in the house. So yeah, yeah amazing stuff Dom a fantastic set. I've run out of big joke books. Esperanza got you. Do we have more? Okay, yeah, they're gonna hand you one when you go. Hey, thank you so much. Great stuff. Dom La marco ladies and gentlemen with this kill tony debut seven years of doing comedy And what a show what an amazing amazing night There's only one way to end a show like this ladies and gentlemen And that is with the hall of famer with the all-time record for appearances on the show The record holder for all-time interviews on the show Some people call him the prince of the poppers the king of cool The vanilla gorilla the memphis strangler. This is the big red machine william Montgomery ladies and gentlemen Wait in red band i'm confused. What did you call the game where you ring somebody's doorbell and run away? What did you call it? Amy Schumer has lost 164 pounds in related news the united states is experiencing a critical ozimpic shortage But seriously the weight loss has increased her mobility which makes her a lot harder to chase down after she steals a joke The pharmacist asked if I was taking any other medications do four loco suppositories count Whenever I think about global warming I think about oceans rising like think about eppstein island and how over time more and more of it will get covered up So we staged that intervention with my buddy and right before it started they mentioned he would get a sponsor and I was like What the hell he gets paid y'all need to intervene my ass Okay, that's my time william The red ruckus Montgomery, Tony do you understand what red band would call the we used to just call it ring and run Whoa, that's a where on the east coast were you raised? New york. Oh wow, that's crazy Yeah, it's incredible ring and run. I've never heard of the racial element. I've never heard of it. Are you never heard of I I've never heard of ring and run. No, no, it's like pop and soda I think in coke like people calling it that three different things. I think it's like that's a racial thing too No, no, no, no, there's no there's no depends how you say it Yeah William I got to acknowledge right off the top, you know Have you ever seen like when a scruffy dog gets a cute haircut? That's you got a little haircut. Thank you Thank you. I had you the last to get a little puppy cut. I got a little puppy cut Tony up at petco pet smart You you laid down on the table. I got a bit petco pet smart, Tony Uh, but yeah, no, I had to go to uh my cousin's wedding back in Memphis this past weekend Wow, and I hadn't gotten a haircut since December Wow Yeah, so I had to do that. So my parents would be happy to see me and it looks it's like I get to Memphis and it's wonderful But it's like we drive back to my parents. I was the first thing I see is where young doff got assassinated in front of the cookie store and like god, this is scary the great legendary young doff I love huge young doff fan. Yeah, I got doff. So solar he got taken out which is very sad But yeah, the wedding was very nice and uh, my parents really like the haircut Wow, it is incredible. It's like when a scrappy dog why is that funny just get sweet? Yeah, you got a little puppy cut Puppy cut from petco pet smart, Tony I love it. What else have you been up to this week, William? To 2 million meters on the row machine two fucking million Two million meters ladies and gentlemen. Two million on the fucking uh, row machine I had a horrible cyst on my face, Tony. It looked uh, it had been there over a year and it was starting to stink Oh, which is sickening. Yeah, sometimes I'd kiss gator my little dog's stomach And I think to myself what a gator just stepping shit or something, but it was actually my face Oh, my god. So it was sickening and then the other day this past week some started finally leaking out of it after over a year And Tony I got two little pieces of uh, rubbing alcohol wipes and I got up to the mirror and I Push it and Tony it was the sickest shit It literally squirted out of my face and hit the mirror with such force. It splashed onto the mirror And Tony it was horrible because I was trying to smell it the whole time But the alcohol wipes made it so I could only smell the alcohol Gosh darn it, but it was sickening. Wow. That is absolutely. So that was exciting That was the most exciting thing that happened to me this week other than my cousin grace getting married Wow, that is amazing. Congratulations. Shout out to grace. Yeah, shout out to grace and Wesley. They're in Africa right now They went to Africa for their honeymoon. Yeah, wow, they're getting a divorce Something's gonna go wrong there. Yeah, check in with our senior african correspondent, uh, john deez deez What do you think about white people honeymooning in Africa? They're going to cynical You know cynical, that's a terrible idea terrible idea Well, they're there right now Yeah, okay What else have you been up to this week? William anything exciting anything Anything have you excited about life and inspired in any way watching? Uh, the maning guy totally meltdown because I grew up the giant florida gators fan and just watch fucking texas go from what number One preseason of fucking out of the rankings was pretty sweet, tony because I kind of fucking can't stand texas Whoa Whoa, i'm gators suck right now and the gators still beat texas So that makes texas look worse by the way because florida sucks right now But that's how bad texas is that's how bad the maning kid is he's horrible. Whoa He's actually a huge fan of the show and a huge fan specifically of yours Well, he knows i'm kidding right now. We talk on the phone. He knows i'm kidding He knows i'm kidding. It's part of our relationship. I'm like dude. You lost to the gators. I'm gonna talk shit about your dumb ass And he's like dude, don't go too hard And I was like dude Name some of your favorite football players of all time Who do you who are some of your favorite football players of all time in the great mind of william montgomery Here we go favorite football. Hold on. What's red band doing? Why was he just making a silly little face over there? What was that? You making a face were you trying to make it so I can't remember fucking football players names Is that what you're trying to do trying to throw them off with this kind of stuff? Why are you doing that? You're like a little fucking child, dude You know, I struggle with these fuckless. Tony gets my ass to do sometimes like you're making that much more difficult Funny faces. Do you see what I have to deal with Tony? It's like that's why I've been struggling with the list It's like I have to look at his stupid fucking ass And he looks so much like his mom and when I'm going to pound town with this fucking mom By the way, your mom loves it. I've been on the row machine fucking red band Name some of your favorite football players Emmett Smith, okay You're not that excited about Emmett keep naming your very favorite ones tim tiball That's a big one. Okay yeah, tim uh William thinking hard to figure out a third football player ladies have done this You got this Julio knows more nfl great Julio jones. Oh Great wide receiver for bam Uh You got this william Do one where you're not that excited about it so the horn players can do that funny thing where they just kind of trickle away sadly Tom brader Wow, okay name one more that you're really excited about Who do you think the greatest football player of all time is william they're probably watching right now A lot of people yelling out A lot of people yelling out a lot of a lot of names right now william is william Why don't you just name some of your favorite types of candy or something instead? I didn't realize that I know that you would stall out like this It's your favorite kind of candy william starburst right now brally. Wow Okay, what else? Chocolate in it. No not all imitatives are chocolate peanut butter imitatives Okay I mean, what's your favorite candy? What kind of candy really gets you excited peanut butter stickers tone? Wow william on camera, thank you. Joe. Jesus There he goes william on camera This episode brought to you by nick talk space and quotes salvolcano comedy dot com for tickets the chicago theater The beacon theater in new york the ryman theater in nazsville and his new podcast coming this fall is called manouche Keep your eyes open for that the great salvolcano the drawing from ryan j ebel is in and it is unbelievably cool Gabriel inglacius is on tour fluffy guy.com. He's fucking killing it Two of the greatest guests in the history of the show. I'm so grateful you guys came. Thank you so much Thanks for having us so always a good time. So much goddamn fun keeping on that merch Hell yeah keeping on that. I want some of that black label tapatio um Thank you to everybody and everything one more time for the best damn band in the land And Check out the sunset strip atx.com secret show every thursday And i'm going to the maverick center in salt lake city, utah and a couple other cool places Kind of taking it easy for the rest of the year, but tony hinge cliff dot com Still a few tickets available for new year's eve here in austin texas a huge annual event This year we're at the moody center for the first time ever big Upgrade from our dear friends from the hep center Uh, we love you guys. Thank you so much everybody. Have a great night. Thank you So Hey The sunset strip comedy club in austin texas is now over Check out red band secret show every thursday go to sunset strip atx.com for tickets You You You This podcast is brought to you by carvana Car shopping shouldn't feel like preparing for a marathon of paperwork That's why carvana makes buying and financing your car easy From start to finish search thousands of vehicles with great prices All online all on your time And when you're ready your new car shows up right at your door. 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