Finding Joy In Unimaginable Grief | Sadie Robertson Huff | Lauren Johnson

What's up everybody? Happy Wodats Good Wednesday. I hope you're having a great week, but to everyone out there it is about to get so much better. We have such an incredible guest on the podcast today. I've been following along her journey from afar for a long time. Social media friends if you will. And she sent me a casual DM like I'd love to help some moms out if you ever want. Just even add on your podcast for what I do because she does this amazing thing called Choose Join Nursing. And I was like, okay, yes, but more than that, can you come on the podcast and share your testimony, who you are, help momma's out there. And so this podcast is definitely going to help moms. It's really for everybody. We just believe in the power of testimonies and her testimony can speak to anyone no matter what season of life you're in. So we have Lauren Johnson all the way here in Monroe, Louisiana. Welcome to Monroe. Thank you. Thank you so much for having me. This is so fun. It's so cool. I'm truly so glad you're here. I told you this. I love following you. I've been so inspired by your life. I've been invested in your life. Krishna, I have prayed for you. And so to see you in here today, I was just like, Hey, as if we've known each other forever. Oh, I guess this is the first time we've met. But just you are a joy. Like you're such a joy to follow and to learn from. And I'm so thankful for how you've chosen to share your life on social media because you did not have to share some of the hard aspects of your life and all of it. But I just want to say thank you for it. Before we get into all of it, can you just tell us a little bit about who you are, what you do, where you're from, all the things. Absolutely. Well, thank you so much for all the kind words and prayers we have felt them tremendously. That's why I felt like I knew you too. Because it's like you just know when people are praying for you, it's like there's an instant bond and connection. But yeah, so Lauren Johnson, I'm born and raised in Nashville, Tennessee. I've been there my whole life, which has actually ended up being such a blessing for all the connections and ways I've got to like love and serve families in Nashville. I grew up in the Baptist church, volunteering in the church nursery. So of course, I started babysitting at like such a young age as like a mother's helper. Always loved babies, always loved helping moms. And then went to nursing school at Lipscomb University. So truly never left. Love Lipscomb. It was such a great experience. And then got to be a nurse. I was a private nanny at first and then went to get hospital experience. I was like, this is so great of nanny forever. And I love it. And they wanted a nurse, but I also wanted to get that hospital experience. So worked in the hospital and then got offered a sweet job at a high school, which was incredible, but miss the mother baby aspect from the hospital. So started helping moms at night, like when everyone was asleep, I was like, I'll come help you at night. I'll bring you your baby to nurse or I'll give a bottle. And then the Lord really kept putting, I didn't have a name yet, but you could make this could be a job. You can help women more than just one at a time. And I quite frankly was like, no thanks. One at a time is plenty. It's a lot to show up and hold space for another person. And meet them where they're at and like push part of them is hard. So hard and so vulnerable. So vulnerable. So anyway, just felt like the Lord kept opening doors and having people speak it in me. People hold my hand, start an LLC, hold my hand, start a quick quick discount. I was like, okay, we're doing this. We're starting a company. Have you seen someone else do that? Like a company like that that you were inspired by? Yes, there are other companies in Nashville. So actually, I was just giving out their numbers. I was like, this person's great. They're all owned by great women. I was like, this person's great. This person's great. Here's a phone number. And what ended up happening is they'd all text me back and say, they're full. They're full. They're full. So I was like, okay, the Lord's clearly telling me there's still room at the table. And I wanted to, in some ways, I felt like making myself like a known Christian company, like we're going to pray over your babies. We're praying for you by name. Like I'm writing these moms names down in my prayer journal. Like I was like, that's how I'm, if I'm going to do this, I'm doing this like with him. I'm not doing this alone. And with like support, he has put the right people in our corner and in our business and has just really, he has opened doors in ways that just blow my mind. But yeah, so I own choose joy nursing. We do in home mother baby care and virtual sleep training services. I'm totally setting up for after this. I didn't know it was virtual. So I've been looking at all of the places you're at. And I'm like, I don't think they're probably going to open a Monroe branch anytime soon, but I am totally going to be your virtual girl. When you were in 30 a, I'm like, we should have sent some nurses. I know I'm changing. Yeah. Now, now that I know, we're definitely locking in. Yeah. So we have virtual services and support moms all over the place is actually so cool. We even had one from a different country one time. So on different times zone and everything. And she was so wonderful. It's like, I'm going to take what service me and leave what doesn't because she actually, you know, their culture is different. And they wanted a bed share, which is not, I'm a registered nurse by degree. So like not what I'm trained in not what so it's okay to each their own. Right. Like I don't judge anybody for how they choose to sleep, but I don't, I don't know the safe way to do that. So I'm teaching safe sleep, meaning alone on your back in a crib or bus net, but like alone on your back in a crib. And so that's why I teach, but she still took our resource, like all my education and our resources and what we teach and made it work for her. So they weren't nursing all throughout the night, but they still got to share however they did it. And I was like, that's so cool. It was so sweet. So it's been a blessing to get to meet moms where they're at all over the world, apparently. That is so cool. I love how God put stuff in us as a little kid. And it's like, you're like, okay, well, I love being, you know, a mom, I love taking care of babies. I love nursing. And then you think I'm going to have to choose what that's going to be at some point. But if God put all those things in you, it's amazing how he uses all of that and how this comes together. And you're like, well, I would have never thought that I'd start this business. But then you look back and you're like, but of course I would. Right. Oh, yes. The pictures of me as a kid, my birthday parties, I can't remember how old I was turning. I wanted it to be a full blown baby shower. My mom's like, are you sure? I was like, yes, I want there to be clothes brought to me for my baby dolls. So we did the monogram chocolate wrappers. We did the water, you know, the water balls with the wrapper and the baby's names, welcome Benjamin and Bailey or whatever my baby dolls names were. Brittany and Bailey. It was like, I was obsessed with babies from a young age. Oh, pictures of me as a kid with bouncy balls in my shirt wanting to pretend to be pregnant. Hosterical. So looking back, we have laughed, but it's like, no, God's so intentional. Cause I didn't think I wanted to be a business owner. I thought I wanted to be a nurse. And I remember saying I went to nursing school saying, you know, I want to be a state home mom one day, but this will make me a better mom. Like how often do you need your nursing skills as a mom? Like that's why I went to nursing school. I was like, it'll make me a better mom. And then the Lord was like, oh, I have so much more in mind. That is wild. Yeah, it has been so wild. So it's so cool to now see it come like full circle and get to love on babies, love on moms, use my education to empower women. Yeah. Um, it's so cool. It's amazing. Yeah. Okay. So when did you start that? 2021. 2020. I was fully doing it full time, but started the company and like hiring nurses in 2021. That's awesome. And then were you married at the time? No, we got your husband. So met my husband through a mutual friend, which was also just the Lord is so intentional in all of it. Like I can see how he's gone before me in my business and my marriage with the birth of my daughter, like this pregnancy with everything. But anyway, so met him through mutual friend. She had brought him up. We were on a mission trip in Uganda and we're wide awake at three in the morning. You awake? Yep. You awake? Can't sleep. And she was like, I was like, okay, I want to, I want to talk about boys. It's of course what I said. I'm like, I said, who are your boyfriend's single friends? And she was like, okay, so we get on Instagram. She starts showing me a single friends. We're like cute, cute, cute. Like, but he has this like long term on and off girlfriend. This one's about to engage probably this one single. And I was like, Oh, he's cute. But I was like, tell me more. Lived in Atlanta for work and was younger. And I was like, Oh, he's probably trying to have fun. He's so cute. Was a football player in college. I was like, there's no, like, he's probably just trying to have fun. So blew him off. Like didn't even like even tell her I was interested. Anyway, well, then a whole year later, she brings him up again. And I was like, this was at that time that I said, I can't remember. Eventually I was like, you know what, this is it's COVID. I would have to lose it. And let's just like, see what we think. And I was like, I was like, you're it. Like I was like, from the first day, I was like, so he was just the cutest thing I'd ever seen. I was like, and you're like a sweet gentleman, like you're like a good like, like, anyway, he was so precious. And I was like, he wasn't out trying to have fun. He was like, just waiting patiently. Yeah, so she finally gave him my number like years later. And he texts me and I felt like the rest is history. Well, that is the best story. Like that should be the new dating app is just looking at your friends and who they're following. It's like, okay, because then you know, like your friend knows them and they could vouch for him. That was a good strategy. I like it. It was so good. And I was back then I was telling even clients, I'd be in their home as their night nurse. I'm like, y'all got any single friends? I was like, I'm praying for a husband, looking for a husband. I'd get on the dating apps. I had no shame. I was like, the Lord can do anything anyway. Like he can introduce us anyhow. So I was open to anything. And then I think the Lord like also blessed that to like just whatever. Yeah, I was going on dates. I went on a blind date with somebody, which was fun. And it was sweet, but it was like also like we were all in it for the right reasons. So we knew like this is so sweet. We'd love to be friends, but like just not meant to be. Yeah. Or like didn't want to go on a second date. And so then it was just cool. Yeah, sweet. I think that, you know, we have so many people ask about dating and here and how to date well and how do you start dating? And always say like, I wish dating was more like that these days where you could just go on a date and go, oh, it didn't work out, but it's not weird. It's okay. That's, I think it still can be that way. I wish I have a lot of friends actually live in Nashville. They go and date all the time. And I love that because they're just figuring it out like who they would and it's a lot of just like recommendations or this person knows this person, you know, she's going to meet up and a lot of it doesn't work out, but it's okay. At least you met someone and like you can be a friend. And I think too, like there's so much in this day where it's like, we just want to know like who's going to be your husband or what am I going to do in life? But your story already is like, well, I thought I wanted to be a nurse and just a nurse because I would be a better mom one day to be a home mom. And I thought that, you know, I was going to, and it's like, you don't know, like I love that verse. It's like the Lord can make, I mean, sorry, man can make its plans, but the Lord establishes their steps. And we quote that on this podcast all the time, but it's so true because you see that in everybody's life. You can make some plans, but like you got to keep giving it to the Lord and He establishes those steps. That's surrender. And that's what I was even about dating. It's like, we really do have to put our pride aside and be okay with somebody not being into us. I think we all want every guy to be into us, but then we get to pick and say no. That's so true. It's good for them to not be into you. Thank you, Lord, for closing that door. We don't need a date. I thought I was going to marry every boy I dated. So I'm grateful it didn't work out. I'm like, oh, the Lord put him in my life. He must be it. And then I was so grateful the Lord closed those doors. I was so grateful to go on those dates and like, I kept telling myself this is practice, but whenever I do go on a date with my husband, I will be less awkward or I'll know what to say. That's so good. I still think that was awkward. But I was like, this is good practice. And I do think it's so important to put our pride aside and surrender that to the Lord. Like Lord, you speak through me. You work here. Like if this is something that you want me to pursue, make it clear. If it's something you don't want me to pursue, make it clear. It's great. It's okay for a guy to tell you know, and it's okay for you to tell him no in a kind way. I don't like the ghosting. Yeah, no, we don't need the ghosting. No, just be clear. Clear. Clear is kind. Kind is clear. I love that. It's so true. I love it. Okay, I just want to take a second to talk about something that's really been on my heart. Right now there's so much noise in the world. Somebody voices telling people what to do and what to think. But for women facing unplanned pregnancies, the pressure can get really overwhelming, really fast. What breaks my heart is that so often they don't even get a moment to slow down, take a breath and really understand what's happening. 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I felt like any other season I would have been like ready to have kids and meet like let's get you get married and you have kids. And I was like, I just want to savor the season of being like the two of us. I want to be intentional about our marriage because once you have kids, of course, you're still married and it's still good and it's a blessing and all these great things. But that changes the dynamic of your marriage forever. And so I was like, I really want to enjoy him. And I knew he'd be an incredible dad. I knew he'd be hands on. And I was like, I don't want to share him yet. Like I just want to savor the season of just the two of us. And looking back, once again, that was the Lord in his kindness, preparing our hearts, preparing our marriage for what we were about to walk through. But we were so intentional. We did weekly date nights, even though it was just the two of us all the time. I was like, no, we're having no TV, no phone, date nights with a book with questions, like as silly as it may be. He would like roll his eyes. But then it always led to good conversation. And we'd always have like an intentional dinner together and like make a true date night of it, not even like out on the town, like cook steaks in and like just spend time together. And it was so good. And so then kind of started praying about it and felt like, okay, we're feeling ready. We'll, you know, start trying it. Who knows how long it'll take. And thankfully, so grateful we got pregnant right away. And it was just like, wow, like just pure bliss, like so grateful, so humbled, so honored. Like I work in this industry. I know how hard it can be. And so then it was like, okay, now it's really prep time. So get my marriage ready, get my home ready, get my business ready. Like I knew all these things because of seeing what how hard postpartum can be and is and a joy. It is such a joy. That's where I'm like, I want mom to experience that joy postpartum and let us take some of that strain away of that like overwhelming anxious, like if we prep well, that can help. It's really good. Yeah. And so was so intentional in how we planned for this postpartum season and how we planned in our business. And once again, I'm like acting like I was preparing the Lord was preparing, like, let's be honest here. He was doing the work. And so he was preparing my business in like tangible ways. Like I offered somebody like bought her essentially out of her corporate job, which what like we're this tiny company, like only the Lord could open those kind of doors. And I remember taking this hugely buffet. Like I kind of felt like, how could I afford this? And it was like, well, if you don't, you know, pay yourself, you can. And I was like, Oh, like, of course, the Lord like put some hearts, I pray about it, talk to my husband about it. He's like, yeah, we, you know, I feel like this is worth that leap of faith. Such a leap of faith that in my at that time of my life is the biggest. Okay, God, I trust you moment that I've ever had like that big other than of course, giving my salvation like, yeah, believing in the Lord. But anyway, and so he went before me in that way. And we were preparing our business. We had a full time employee now. That was our first full time employee. So who could truly help manage the business so I could have a real maternity leave. My goal is for 12 weeks of uninterrupted baby snuggles because the newborn season so fleeting. We have babies sleeping through the night sometimes at six weeks, but 12 weeks for sure. So I'm like, I only have 12 weeks with this tiny, I mean, of course, we have their lifetime to watch them grow. But I wanted like uninterrupted 12 weeks with my newborn. And so I was getting prepared. And then birth came was preparing for that. I mean, we were just so so resourced and supported and go into birth. Not what I wanted, but the Lord still, you know, took care of it all. Like I wanted to go as natural as possible or without medication, but had to be induced, which we were 42 weeks. Like, I think this is so good for women to hear though, because I was the same way with honey. I was like, I am going as long as I have to go natural. And I'm not at all the stuff. And then at 41 weeks, my doctor was measuring her and he was like, Hey, she's really big. And I don't think this is wise. And I was like, so stubborn. And my husband was like, Sadie, like, you got to listen to him. And so till I changed the plans and then ended up being like, so what was needed, you know, so I think it's so good for moms to know though, going in like, again, you can have all these plans, but then you really got to like do what Lord established. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's what we felt like. I was trying so long, just going to hold on. I was like, our bodies are made for this. Our bodies are made to do this. They were built to birth. Yeah, exactly. And then when it got to 42, she was like, you can come in at 42 weeks at one a.m. and be induced. I was like, I will wait that long. I was willing. I was like, I'll do it. So got induced and didn't know the gender. So finally give birth. I don't even know how many hours later, 30 hours later, end up getting epidural, which praise God, that was a blessing to after all that. It was so worth it. I did the exact same thing. Yes, yes, yes. And so I give birth to have this sweet little girl. Her name is Lily and we had our names picked out ahead of time. So we knew it was either going to be our boy name or a girl name. So Lily and was just like sweet, super meaningful like Lily's from like Lily's of the field, like consider how much he provides for them, how much more will he provide for you. And so like then that really ends up being like a life verse for her and us. And then Anne is a family name. And so we just love the little southern double name. And so anyway, sweet Lily Anne. So she was born in July. I'm July 6th. And we were over the moon, thrilled, thought we were healthy as could be. And then literally got discharged at noon. And still blissful as can be thinking this is our, this is my postpartum season. I'm getting to keep this baby. Like I've always given babies back in the morning, right? I've always like been an Annie and given a back when at the end of the day. And I go home. And so this is like our first child. And being like this night nurse in town, I'm like, it's my first baby, like how sweet. And I feel like around a something my husband was like, she, well, he kept asking all these sweet questions, like, is this normal? Is this normal? I was like, yes, baby, this is normal. And I'm a nurse. I'm like, everything's fine. They're fine. They're resilient. And then he ends up saying like, I think she's cold. And I was like, no, that's not normal. So I go over and touch her face. I'm like, oh, she's chilly, but our house is usually cold. Then I stick my hand down her shirt. And I'm like, Oh, her like core, like her torso is cold. So I immediately get a thermometer. I had them right there at the diaper changing station. And it said like 92 degrees. I was like, this cannot be right. This has to be broken. Well, I immediately get her skin to skin because I know our bodies are incredible and God made us so intentionally. And your breasts can regulate your body's temperature. If you have twins, they can be different temperatures. Like the breast can truly increase their temperature or decrease their temperature, like whatever is needed. This is why skin to skin is like so important. Because babies, as soon as they're born, aren't good at regulating their own temps, but moms can help them regulate. So immediately get her skin to skin. And then go upstairs to look for another thermometer. I'm like, that one, how do we break him? So get her skin to skin. She hadn't been eating well and looking back, there's so many things I'm like, I wish I would have caught sooner, but like it is what it is. Like we were just in this like postpartum. Yeah, you yeah. Hey, like fog and hadn't slept for the 36 hours of birth and all that stuff. And I thought, Oh, she's a sleepy newborn. Like it's fine. But anyway, the cold I knew was not normal. So went got another thermometer, took her temp and it still was like 93. And Wilson looked at me and said, are you scared? And I said, yes. And he is like, we're leaving for that. We're going to hospital. So we're driving, we were discharged at noon and we were checked into the hospital by 9pm. And it just went downhill really, really fast. They started poking and prodding and trying to get, you know, all the lab results to figure out what was going on, just assuming it's a virus. And we're like, did you let people kiss her? And I was like, well, I've kissed her nonstop since she's been born. Like my husband has and like grandparents like maybe kissed her head, like maybe a cheek. Like, I mean, I know better, but it's like, you're a sweet baby. And so right. And I was just like six in my stomach thinking we gave her something like, oh my goodness, like just so unwound, like would not leave her bedside. They kept bringing me supplies to pump and snacks. Like I'm full on in my pad and diaper just gave birth like 42 weeks. Yeah, a couple stitches like the whole shebang. And I like would not leave her side. I remember them being like, okay, mama, the nurses were so great. And they were like trying to help like support me, which I remember loving that about pediatric nurses, but why I didn't go that route. I was like, I really like the well baby and the well mama like supporting postpartum moms like sick babies were, I mean, I remember in nursing school having to step out the NICU just asking politely to be excused because I had to go get myself together like seeing baby sick. I was like, this is not like how it's supposed to be. Like I've always loved babies, but seeing them sick is just like a whole nother level. And so some people that you have to has to be a calling like the Lord has to give you the strength for that. And so always worked in the mother baby. I worked in ICU with adults and that was night and day different. They had like live their life and make you know, anyway. Okay, if you're in a season of life where you are just exhausted before the day even starts, then same. And that is why good sleep is a non-negotiable for me. And that is why we are a Helix sleep family. 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So the biggest thing for us is how much better our whole family sleeps. It's a huge impact on all of our daily lives too. Of course it is. Sleep is good for you. So go to helixsleep.com slash saty for 27% off site wide. This is an exclusive offer for our listeners of the WoW That's Good podcast. That's helixsleep.com slash saty for 27% off site wide. And make sure you enter our show's name after checkout so that they know we sent you there. Helixsleep.com slash saty. So we're in the IC, sorry not IC, we're in the ER. And they're like, mama, she's gonna cry, like warning mama, mama. And I was like, but I just knew, like you just have this gut feeling. I was like, but she's not like she was already pretty unresponsive. So they'd poke and prod and like it was awful and so traumatic, but we were sitting there loving on her and it was like, the Lord gives you the strength you need in that moment. We still haven't even told anybody. Like we have finally are like, oh, we should text our parents. Like we like, I had a friend who has my location, I'll find my friends and she was like, are you okay? And I was like, no, please pray for us. Like that, I mean, that was it. Like, or I think I said, we don't know. Like, of course, I'm assuming it's going to be okay. Like for sure, we're going to get some medicine and go home. Like we're going to be fine. That's what we thought. And so they roll us up to a regular room and I hold her all night, which they don't want you to sleep with a baby in the bed with you because there's safety rules and risk and what for you fall asleep and the baby rolls and falls. So I stay awake all night Wilson takes a nap. And I was like, when you wake up, like, yes, close your eyes. When you wake up, come over here and watch me sleep, like sit next to us. So he pulls up a chair and lets me sleep for a little bit. But that whole night, I remember just praying over her singing, kissing her over and over again, feeling like this might be the only time I get with my baby. And I remember driving, even that like driving to the ER, I held her on my chest the whole time. I was like, car seats, at least my worries right now. And I just said, I was like, wow, I'm having to give my baby back. Like I've this whole time, like I've thought this is my baby to keep in at the end of the day. Like our children are still the Lords. Like they're really His. And I was like, I think I felt like I'm physically taking my baby back, like I'm having to give my baby back to the hospital and to the doctors. But for in a spiritual level, it was like, I'm having to surrender her over to the Lord. Like she's His. She's really not mine. She's just mine to like raise and love in this like season, however long he gives us, whether it's a full life in college and seeing her graduate or whether it's this, you know, just whatever it may be. And so anyway, long story short, we end up finding out she has citrillinemia, which is a very rare genetic condition where she cannot break down protein, which we all need protein to live. And so we were naturally feeding her, she was nursing, she's getting protein, well, then that was causing ammonia to rise in her body, which was what was causing her to get in that coma-like state. There was swelling in her brain. And so the doctors, we finally figured out praying and praying, just like crying out to the Lord for help and answers. Because even the, we end up getting sent to the ICU. So now we're in the pediatric ICU that next morning. And there, I'm just crying to the nurses, like she's not okay. Like I know you can just tell this isn't okay. And they were like, we hear you, mama, we hear you, like your mama got matters, which was so important. Yeah, but it was cool to hear from like the medical side of things too. They were like, that matters. And so they take another round of ABGs and then they come back terrible. So they were like, we're gonna have to intubate. And of course, I knew that what that meant. So you do know they rolled it. Yeah, well, and I could tell, I mean, I knew even overnight when I was holding her in my chest and praying over her and kissing on her, the way she was breathing, I knew she kept asking them, they're like, she's okay, she's okay. But I was like, she won't be able to do this forever. Eventually, her little body's gonna tuck her out. And she's going to code. Like I just knew she couldn't breathe. Yes, because I did know. And so they start rolling in the code card and then to patient card and all the doctors are coming in and they pulled me and Wilson aside to kind of tell us what's going on. And I was like, I know, I know, I knew they needed to do what they need to do quickly. So I was like, y'all don't have to keep explaining, we'll get out of here. Because I know that's what they're gonna ask us to do a step out of the room. And so I was like, do what you need to do. And I will, I remember thinking like, please don't have to code her like chest compressions on her little heart, like she's two days old, maybe? Like I was just anyway, but I was like, okay, Lord's will be done if this is meant, whatever. Anyway, so we leave we're like crying audibly, like out loud in this Koi pond at Vanderbilt Children's Hospital and texting our parents saying it's not good, you need to come. She might not make it. And then I have this like wild hair where I'm like, I had schools and I was like, do you mind if I post asking for prayers? Because I feel like we're the only six people, the two sets of parents and me and him praying for this sweet baby. I was like, I just want more people to pray for her. And so he was like, yes, please. So I immediately just post like, please join us in praying for Lillian. We don't know what's going on and we're expecting God for answers and for her safety and for her life. And to talk about feeling prayers tangibly, like we felt, I mean, it was as soon as I posted it, like this overwhelming peace that surpassed all understanding. We, I mean, it was incredible. It was humbling and it was an honor. It was insane. Like we felt the prayers will then the doctor calls at the same time he gets a call from the Tennessee State Department of Health, that they got her heel prick, her newborn screen back, that she had a genetic condition. So like they get the answers all, it all comes in at the same time. Like so like the Lord, you know, like I wasn't just like, yeah, science doing their thing. Like the Lord disorganized it beautifully and perfectly for us to get the answers we needed. So then we could start the interventions to actually help her. So anyway, we, it would be, it's, you know, going to be a lifelong disease. The only other potential solution was like a liver transplant, which we're like putting a newborn baby through a liver transplant didn't feel right to us in that moment either. And that's so lifelong diagnosis. And so we're like, we will deal with whatever it is the Lord gives us, we want to honor her life and like just the way she like, we don't want to put her through that yet. So just do whatever we can to help her and support her and keep her comfortable too. That was a big thing. I was like, I don't want her to be in pain. They were like, she's not in pain because of the coma. I was like, when she wakes up, like I was just like, please don't let this newborn baby suffer. So after a month in the hospital, we end up choosing to go home on hospice. Just really feeling the Lord had told me to save. I felt him tell me to savor, to savor her. And I was like, yes, and amen. Like I'm going to soak up every detail of her little body and very pictures. Yes. All the details. It was so sweet. And just kiss and love on her. We finally got to hold. I mean, in a hospital, you can only do so much holding and snuggling like they're in a hospital bed and they're getting vital signs every few hours and labs all the time. And so we finally felt like, you know what, like hospice is the safest way. I think hospice is and they did not bring it up to me. That was something the hospital is never going to be like, or I shouldn't say never. I just knew because I was a nurse to ask about it, but her comfort was one of my biggest goals. I'm in honoring her life and giving her dignity in this like life and like this side of heaven. And so we ended up mentioning it to the doctors and they pulled up a chair and sat down with us and were like, oh, that's a different conversation, but we would be honored to have that with you. And so we talked about it and just decided like we want to have a safe plan to get her home, but we want to get her home. We want to kiss on her and love on her and let her just be in this like safety of her home without neon lights above her, without the pokes and the prods and the constant vital signs. And it was so much blood work. I mean, she was so pale all the time and like constant fluids, no fluid swollen, not swollen. Like it was just, you know, the constant back and forth until we get our sweet baby home on hospice and just kiss her and love on her and have no idea. We literally were like, we have no idea how much time we're going to have with her, but we want to honor her life. However, days, weeks, years, we met a sweet family online, of course, who had a five year old with this and he was five when he got his liver transplant. So I was like, that's amazing. So we were going to, you know, manage it with diet, her formula, her medications, all the way, they taught us how to weigh everything. She did and she had an NG tube when she came home, so that's in her nose because of all the brain trauma and swelling. She never really learned the suck, swallow, breathe thing. And we tried, we did all the feeding therapy, but she had no interest in taking a bottle. She could suck on a passi and once we got old enough, so she ends up like literally the Lord was so kind and like just, I feel like really blessed our obedience and I don't like, I don't feel, it's not about me. It's all him, like we don't feel worthy, but we're so incredibly grateful that he gave us this like time with her. So she ends up like growing and like, healing, like this so beautiful, like healing as best she could this side of heaven. I mean, we start rolling, we start sleeping through the night, like we're doing big girl things, like she knew who mommy and daddy was, she was blowing raspberries and touching our face and just doing all the sweet, like I love you. Like it was so sweet. So she was just the best and loved the Instagram. Like I was telling everybody, which I don't even know why. I felt like the Lord just gave me the strength and like wanted me to share her story. I'm like, why am I sharing all this vulnerable? Like I'm crying with a baby on my chest who's on hospice. Like why am I posting this? But it was really for the Lord to get the glory and for him to get the credit for her life. So shared her whole story the whole time. And then she, I mean, she was literally killing it, thriving. We started then talking about like, do we want to pursue a liver? Like is this what the Lord has for her? And we kept praying about it, praying about it. And we even said yes to the hepatic team, which is the liver team. And then we had an appointment on April 8th with her genetics team to talk about it. And Lillian went to be with Jesus on April 6th. Well, I might have said our birthday was an April birthday. It was in July, if I said that wrong. Okay. Okay, I did. Okay, good. So then April, so exactly nine months old. So she was born July 6th, passed away when the beauty is on April 6th. Well, yeah, just this just exactly a year ago. Well, when we're recording this, well, that's so wild. I didn't realize it was so close to the date. I mean, you, you are such a warrior friend. I mean, watching as you were going through the story, I was thinking about, I remember the first night that y'all posted praying for her, because I think Grace had reshared it. And I was like, Christian, look at this. And we were praying. And then I remember your updates of your bring your home and reading your captions to Christian and being like this is so wild. And then like showing your videos that you posted. And I was so in awe and so inspired by you as the mom that you were, the trust you had in the Lord and how, you know, Christian, I always say, we're like, they're yours first. You love them more than we do. But then when you're put in the situation to like have to really believe that and trust that, that God, you really do love them more and they're yours first. And, you know, you, you give life and you take life and you know, the number of our days and all that sets up. It's, it hits different when you're in that position. And it's so scary and it's so hard. And it tests your faith so much. And so just watching you, I'm like, wow, like everything she's saying, I'm so inspired by the things she's doing, but I also know that's so hard and that's so scary. And so, I mean, it was just, it was, I just remember that whole journey and like being so, so amazed and then crying the tears with y'all whenever she passed. But then even after she passed, like seeing y'all post about the funeral and the way that you've continued to honor her and testified. And now like, you know, obviously you've mentioned like being pregnant again, like just following your whole journey, you've just testified to the goodness of God, even in the worst of moments. I'm in a season of life where complicated wellness routines is just not going to work. So I have been focusing on the easiest wins, things that fit into my day without making life harder. One of the biggest things for me has been getting enough protein. It is so simple, but it really does change how I feel. Changes my energy, focus, everything. And I am loving Taylor Dukes wellness protein. It fits into what I'm already doing. Instead of adding something complicated or new to my plate, I just add one scoop into my iced coffee, smoothie, literally just water sometimes, which is so easy. What makes this protein different is it's made from 100% grass-fed bone broth, but you'd really never know that because it doesn't taste like that at all. It tastes smooth. It's collagen rich and it's made with ingredients that I feel good about me and Christian having, but not only us, our kids having, which is really the biggest win. I actually made honey and Haven a smoothie yesterday with the chocolate protein and Honey said, this is the best smoothie ever, mom. And that's such a win as a mom to find something that they love that's good for them. I love that I can trust this brand. Taylor Dukes is a functional medicine nurse practitioner and a Christian mom. Everything about her brand is focused on being intentional, not the pressure to be perfect. Tdw has their best offer right now. You can use my link shop.TaylorDukesWelness.com slash woe to save 15% off site-wide anytime. Plus for the next 48 hours, everybody get this. You can also unlock two free gifts with any full-size protein purchase. Check it out at shop.TaylorDukesWelness.com slash woe. So I want to ask you about your faith. How do you have such a solid foundation of faith? And is that something that, are you surprised by how strong your faith has been through this? Oh my gosh, I feel like that's what really makes me want to cry is, I just feel like it's the Lord in His kindness. He is who He says He is. And He is with you in those hard moments as you've experienced. In the most scary times in those hospital walls when you're crying and begging God for your child's life over their hospital bed or in your home, we were literally blaring CC Winans, come Jesus, come. I wanted Jesus to come for all of us. I'm like, please, it is time, Lord, it is time. As far as I don't even feel like I can take credit for my faith. Yes, I'm so grateful. My parents raised me in church. I'm so grateful that we have this love for the Lord passed down to us, I feel like even. Anyway, it became our own as we got older and we've both all, you know, pursued the Lord in our own ways as we've grown up. But yeah, I think I did a Holy Spirit study with some girlfriends a while back and took pieces of some Alex Sealy sermons and some other people's sermons and put them all together and like started just reading about the Holy Spirit. And I felt like in so many ways that was preparing my heart because the way that the, you know, Jesus was here and we so believe that He died for our sins. And because of that sacrifice, like we get to be with Him in heaven, like we fully believe in the promise of heaven and that's what we cling to. Like that is, I feel like why we have been able to keep going and be so strong is like, we know she is good. She's not suffering. She's not going to be poked or prodded. She doesn't have to go through a liver transplant. She didn't have to, she won't want for anything. She's in the glory of God. I just couldn't, the color she's getting to see. Like in His kindness, I was worshiping and praying and journaling one morning out by my friends at my friend's Lake Halston, Michigan and was just singing this like song about Nicole Duckworth's Jesus Be Everything, like Jesus Be Everything, Jesus Be Everything. And I hear and like see Lillian's big shiny face saying, He is, He is, Mommy, He is. And I lost it, like just wept. It was like, oh, she's so good. Like she's in His glory. She's so good. And so that's really like, He in His kindness is giving us this faith and giving us this strength and giving us this joy. Joy, like how do we feel joy? Like we have lost our only child. Like, yes, we're so grateful to be pregnant again. And so grateful that God gave us peace and the resources we did do IVF this time. And we're so grateful for the opportunity and to get to like test these sweet embryos and to know that this baby's safe because we wanted to keep any child like from suffering the way Lillian did. And we're so grateful, but like ultimately we're living for heaven. If Jesus comes before this baby's born, I will still be so grateful. Like it is enough. Like if He didn't do any, half of the things He did, it would have been enough. If He didn't do, if He didn't spare her life in that first time, I mean, when they intubated her the first time, like that would have been enough. Like it, but yet He went abundantly. He gave us abundantly more than we could think or ask. And it, yeah, I think that has given like that in itself, the way He shown up for us, the way that people have prayed for us, the way that people, I mean, people, small groups, I wouldn't even in are like supporting us, feeding us, clothing us. So powerful. It was incredible. And it's still incredible. We still feel surrounded. We still feel covered in prayer. We feel the Holy Spirit empowering us and equipping us. And so yeah, I just, I really give God all the glory. Wow. He is who He says He is. I'm just amazed. I'm sitting here in awe and kind of to the point of like speechless, which is a terrible place to be on a podcast. And so I sometimes I'm like, I wish I wasn't the host of this one. I wish I was listening because if I was listening to this podcast right now, when I would just have to pull over the car and like cry and like literally start to journal, as moms, you do have to surrender your kid to the Lord, whether your kid has ever been sick or hasn't, whether your kid has a genetic or is perfectly healthy and well. Like they are His first and heaven is all of our home. And that's where, and it's not good to, it's, it's wonderful in the fullness and it is holy because God is holy and there is no sickness and no crying. And it's where we're all headed and praise God for that. And this world is where there is sickness and there is pain and there is all those things. And so it's just getting your heart in the right place because it's so easy as a mom to just, your kids to be your whole world because you love them so much. You've never loved anything more. You know, you love your husband, you love your family, you love your child. And so it's just like you have to posture your heart and your love for the Lord first. And if you're not intentional about it, you realize real quickly where your heart's at. And so I think it's really cool that you said that about your faith because I've experienced the same thing where I think a lot of times we think like we have to have the faith to give to God, but God gives you the faith. Like the Holy Spirit is your advocate and He gives you faith in those moments. And it's crazy to the details of you going through the Holy Spirit Bible study of Alex C. Lee's because again, real time Alex C. Lee was on the podcast, which I don't know when it all come out, but yesterday. And so they ran into each other in the hotel. So just God's kindness and the details of even me meeting you and being inspired by you in so many ways this week of all weeks. Alex C. Lee being here this week of all weeks. I'm just like, God, you continue to show up day by day and be like our provider. Talk about the name of Lily. Like he cares for the lilies. Like how much more I know. And it had to literally like become our like the verse that got us through that season. We're like, if he will provide, he provides for the lilies, he dresses them with beauty and splendor. How much more does he love you and me? And is he going to provide for and we watched him provide physically, emotionally, spiritually, and providing himself and financially like her medical bills. Like we weren't stressed about that because we knew he had it. He was covering all of it. So wild. And yeah, and that's what we say all the time. Heaven is better. Heaven is better than our best days. Like heaven is better. Heaven is our goal. Heaven is what we're living for. There's nothing this side, I like, there's nothing this side of heaven that I'm more excited about than heaven. And so I'm so excited for her as sad as we are to not have her here on this side of our earth and to get to see her like physically be a big sister. Like we're so happy for her. Like she is in the goodness of God and in his glory. And it's like a joy as a parent. Like what more could you want for your child? Like yes, you want to love them, but you want them to walk with Jesus, right? In that your prayer for your children to walk with Jesus, I've like, it will walk with you. Like she knows Jesus. Like she's going to wait for the first time and talk. I know Jesus. We're literally and her name is to bear Christ. Like that's what it means. Literally that's literally what it means. So I was just like, wow. I know. And I kept speaking that again, like the names of your children, it matters. You can speak that it goes so much with the life they're going to live and it's crazy. It's so crazy. It is. It's so good. I want to talk about before the podcast, I know we're getting to the end, but what you do for moms is so important. And there are so many moms out there who are in the early days and struggling like, I mean, so many people ask me, do you, can you talk more about postpartum and always link, you know, the postpartum ones that I've done in the past. But what an awesome opportunity for someone like you on here who's walked with so many moms. You get some encouragement and then also just lead people to the right place for all the things that you do for the help. Yeah, you're so sweet. Okay. So first and foremost, like God made you for your child. So you are enough, just the way you are right now. Like you don't have to be any strive, any harder, do anything more. God made you for your child and your child for you. And your child doesn't know any different, you know, like you, that's all they know. So I want to encourage you to be confident in that and other moms to be confident in that because I'm also just like a firm believer and been educated and trained in nervous system regulation. And like we are co-regulating with one another when you're sitting here, right? Like if you were anxious or like an airplane, if somebody's anxious sitting next to you, you feel that even though you're calm, but you feel that they're anxious, you're like, okay, right. And the elevator, somebody's scared, you kind of feel it. You're like, okay. And so for your sweet babies, like when you're an anxious mom or when you're nervous all the time or when you're worried all the time, it's like they feel that. For them, it might, they can't put the word anxiety to it, but they might have more, you know, GI issues or reflux or who knows, I'm not saying it's all because of anxiety, but they feel that nonetheless. But they also feel your peace and they feel your joy. And so I really want to encourage moms to take the time. People are always like, well, when and how like baby, you know, but if you're calm and you can sit and get in the word of Christ, like it is sweeter than the trippings of a honeycomb. Like it is so good. It will give you so much life to spend time with the Lord, to like surrender your child over to the Lord. Like we've talked about over and over again in this podcast. They're his ultimately. And so I want to encourage moms to like be confident in who God created you to be as a mom, to dig into the Lord and the Holy Spirit and to pray and to cry out to him. Like you aren't meant to parent alone. The Holy Spirit is our counselor, our comforter, our help. Like that's where like even for me and everything I've walked through, like I've seen the Holy Spirit counsel me. Like I'm pro counseling done, do all the things like all for it. We all need it. But like the Holy Spirit has been counseling me like it has been so cool. And so like know that you don't have to parent alone. You don't have to do this alone. You don't have when your sweet babies crying. Yes, you God made you for your child, but the Holy Spirit can also comfort them. It's great. It's so good. And so okay, as far as resources though. So anyway, one, I want to encourage moms. Like I know I could go on and on this separate podcast about moms. I'm like, yes, yes. No, every mom's going to be like, can she keep talking? You follow her on Instagram. But no, genuinely, I always say it to moms. I'm always like, you are the best for the job because you're the mom. And I want beautiful confidence in that. Because for me, like I was a super anxious mom with honey. And I saw that affect her. And then I remember I actually, I'll be vulnerable. I remember the pediatrician saying to me like, she's affected by your anxiety. And I was so frustrated by it. Because I was like, oh, yeah, how dare you, you know, like, you know, I'm actually really impressive. But it's true. But it's true. And she was nobody wants to tell them on that. Yeah. And it was hard to hear, but it was, we don't want to tell moms that. And I was like, yep, it's true. And, and actually, but I want to encourage moms in this, that did affect honey whenever she was little. But at this point, I've, I changed and you can change because the Holy Spirit has truly helped transform the way that I respond to things, even like little things or whatever. And now she's changed. Like, so I say it to say, just because maybe you look down at your child to four and go, oh, I blew it. You didn't blow it. I mean, like, no, you God can transform anyone anytime. And you just had to keep welcoming him into your heart. And I see such a difference in me now as, you know, having a third child that I did my first, but there's so much grace for the journey. So much grace. You grow so much. And I think that hopefully is going to help honey even see in her life that she can overcome things and grow and things that she's struggling with. We're all going to struggle. And so I love that you're saying this. It's so important. And I did struggle with that. Yes. And even to your point, you said like, it's never too late, you're impacting your kids, no matter where they are, no matter how old they are, my parents were incredible. And I adored them and they adored me and loved me so well. But I will, like my dad got significantly healthier and like always loved the Lord, but like started doing his work and really getting healthy in his adult years. Not that he wasn't a bad place before, but he just like, it impacted. And it still impacted me. So it's never too late to like be leaning into the Holy Spirit and the Lord and asking for help and getting mentors. And I felt like it changed the way that I dated and who I married because he was so healthy. I was like, wait, I want somebody like this, not like, anyway, it was so good. So yeah, it's never, it's never too late. Absolutely. Okay. But then resources for moms. So we have a free app, which is incredible. Like I think I still am tickled that we have an app. How do we have an app? So choose joy nursing on whatever platform like Android, iPhone, there's our iPads. There's an app called choose joy nursing. It's free to download and has blogs and little videos like buckling in a car seat or there's feeding videos. There's all these videos in there. Some are free. Some are locked for subscribers. If you choose to subscribe, that has a nurse AI feature. So you can chat in the middle of the night. Like it has, I have trained that AI bot with all of my 55 pages of handbooks that I are like manuals. Like if my nurses, when I train nurses now, because my nurses aren't just, yes, they're trained to be a registered nurse, like that's something schooling and hospital experience teaches them. But then we train them and how we want to co-regulate with moms, pray for moms, love on babies, like what's important to us, like how we meet moms where they're at, how we support them in sleep training naturally and safely and nervous system informed. So everything I train my nurses is what we used to train that bot AI feature. So that's really cool. So you can ask the AI bot questions anytime morning and middle of the night when you're like help. It's a great resource. So yeah, an incredible resource for mom. Even if you're doing the free version, you can log baby's wet, dirty feeds, care checks, all that's on there for free. You can just log at least right now. I'm like, I don't know when to sign here. They've talked about locking it, but right now I like love this. It's available for everybody. And then the, so we have the app. We also have a baby one-on-one course, which is incredible because it's going to be like, I've had second and third time moms be like, I need a refresher. I forget about the newborn stage. It's all things postpartum recovery, mental health, nervous system, nutrition, but then baby swaddling, diaper changes, when to feed, how often to feed, how to set up healthy sleep habits from the start. And a big like healthy sleep habits like start early versus trying to help them. Like yes, it's never too late. As we've said, she's like, I'm going to help you later with your eight month old. And it's still great. I can still help you. We got this. We got this. Oh, totally, totally. But I'm like, when you start super early, it becomes so natural that it's never, like you never, they, we've had babies that never have to cry because it's just what comes natural to them. And so that's incredible. So yeah, we have the app. We have the course online that you can just watch at your own leisure whenever you want. That's more geared towards like really pregnancy or right before a newborn, no matter what baby it is for you. But it does talk about sleep training and all that good stuff in there. And then Instagram, you can follow us at Choosejoy Nursing. And we do have a like live in services. So those people will fly nurses, like if we're not in your city, they can fly nurses to them. We've had people do that. But Nashville is our home base. We have 30 nurses in Nashville that work with us. It's such a gift. It's so incredible. And they're so kind and like love these moms and love these babies. And it's so sweet. And we teach like baby 101 classes in person in Nashville. And we do overnight care. We do, we have a lactation consultant to help with because obviously feeding so important. It's incredible. It's like such a gift, such an honor. Yeah, we've had, we even had a doctor reach out and be like, Hey, since they're all nurses, could they take care of our post surgical like somebody had a mommy make or can they take care of our patient? I was like, well, let me ask them. Some of them have ICU and plastics backgrounds before baby or vice versa. They were baby and switch. So now we've started serving moms in the like surgical space in Nashville. So just registered nurses getting to love on moms and love on these sweet babies and really trained in like showing up and supporting mom, like really anybody can hold a sweet baby. And we absolutely love snuggling the sweet babies and loving on them. But more importantly, we really want to show it for mom. So she can be the best parent and best co-regulated for her child. That's so cool. I love it. You know, our like tagline is to be a sister and a friend of those who don't have one. And that is like the ultimate sister and friend like showing up in such a village and just like loving you where you're at and helping you be the best one you can be. And that's like so important because I remember just, you know, we have helped with our kids because I'm working and Christian's working all the stuff. And it's always like been meant so much to me when she's like, I want to help you be the best mom like you can be. You know, they're not taking that place in your life. Obviously, even if they're helping in the night, it's like they don't replace you. They're just helping assist you to be the best mom you can be. Yes, empowering. Yes, equipping you a hundred. I love that. And that's why I've always like, I was always the nanny back in the day. And the childcare provider. And I always wanted to empower that mom. I want to her to come home and the dishes and the laundry be done and the kids be happy so that she can just play and love on them and get to be the best version of herself. Best sister in a friend ever. Well, I'm so excited for everyone listening to this because y'all have asked me so many questions and I'm like, I can only give you my personal experience. And that's not even the best advice sometimes. So I'm thankful for a platform now that y'all can go follow. Choose Join Nursing. Also download the app. I will be downloading that app as soon as we got this podcast and follow Lauren's journey along too. She's an incredible influencer worth following. Leading people to Jesus. Thank you so much for coming on the podcast. Yes, thank you for having me. It's so, so sweet and just an honor to be here.