Parenting Boundaries: Stop The Guilt Today

Boundaries are kindness because you're teaching them about the world and you're also raising kids that other people are thrilled to be around. I don't want to get frustrated, raise my voice or have to ask multiple times. What would you suggest in these situations? Sincerely, a mother of a very strong willed little girl. It can be just a really quick lesson and get it over with and then you connect with the good kid. You always want to try and bring the good kid out, not knock down the bad kid. My 19 month old won't let me wash his face, wipe his nose when it's snotty or brush teeth. Okay, the teeth brushing is a hard one. I'll tell you how to do that. Welcome to the Brat Busters Parenting Podcast. My name is Lisa Bunnage. I'm a parenting coach. I'm a mom. I'm also a grandmother. And I'm Amy Bunnage, Lisa's daughter, and I handle the marketing and planning here at Brat Busters. While I don't have kids, each episode will dive into parenting topics and Lisa will answer your questions. Let's get started. Okay, sweetie, what are we talking about today? Today's topic is all about holding boundaries as a parent without the guilt. Holding boundaries without the guilt. Okay. So we all know we should hold boundaries, but without the guilt. But boy, you must have had questions that brought that one on. Like you must have got questions from parents holding boundaries. I see online just from the comments that I read. I see a lot of guilt around holding boundaries because I think the parents associate it sometimes with the authority style. So maybe you do want to start out with the difference between pleaser and authority and then calm leadership. Well, pick your boundaries carefully. If they're ridiculous, then you're the authority. If they're fair and reasonable, like don't hit other people, then there's no guilt there. You see what I'm saying? So just choose your boundaries wisely. Okay. The old fashioned authority style parent is not a bad way to parent. It gets respect, but if they have it in them, they're going to rebel in the teen years. Okay. Because there is that one way street thing going on. My way or the highway on the authority, I'm your parent. You do what I say, not as I do. It's that kind of thing. Those parents are not accountable. Then the pendulum swung because a lot of parents didn't like being raised that way. So the pendulum swung the exact opposite. Now they became the pleasers. They got part, the kids got participation awards. They get an award for doing nothing. Think about that. How are we, I remember when that first came in, I thought, ooh, we're in trouble here because I could see that style coming in about 40 years ago. And I thought, oh, this is, this is a nightmare. I saw it coming and it took hold. The reason it did is it sounds lovely. You know, you roll out the red carpet for your kids. You solve all their problems. If they get in trouble at school, you go in and you tell that teacher off, you know, teachers can't even look at kids the wrong way anymore because they'll end up going to court with the parent. Like it's just awful. These parents are trying to wrap their kids in a cocoon and tell them that you're wonderful no matter what you do. You're special. You're perfect. There's no accountability. And at least to potentially mental health issues because they're not living in the real world in that world. Okay. Also, those are the less, those kids are less likely to, to respect their parents and they're more likely to act out than any other style of parenting. So the authority isn't a bad way to parent, but they will rebuild in the teen years. But the pleaser style, it's a total disaster from day one. Okay. They don't respect you at all ever. And then they, they're raised in this very sort of a fragile way and that they haven't been taught how to problem solve because you've been solving all their problems for them. Huge mistake, huge mistake. I teach leadership. I'm accountable because I lead by example. I want my kids to see the way I act, the way I react, the way I'm accountable for what I do and also a lot of fun. Connection is number one with what I teach as being a friend, being fun, being goofy, fun, play, happiness, laughter. That is their love language. Okay. Kids, teenagers, even humor. That's what I use. That's my style. A lot of goofiness with little kids, a lot of humor with, with teenagers. They like laughing. They like fun. They like positivity. I think a lot of adults moved away from that because they just think that if you're not serious, then you're not valuable in some ways. This ridiculous. You can still be goofy and fun and laugh a lot and be very successful and very, you know, very, very happy. But I think a lot of kids are sort of trained not to be that way. They're trained to really be introverted within their feelings and think about and discuss all their feelings all the time. And they forget to laugh with their kids sometimes. I see this all the time. They're so busy discussing all their big feelings and big emotions as the pleaser parent. They sometimes forget to just loosen up and have fun with your kids, but nothing is healthier. And nothing is more fun than laughter. Right. Kids thrive on that. You get connection going so that you can discipline. The discipline is a very tiny part of what I teach. It's something that we have to get done, get it over and done with really fast and then connect with kids. I think that is something as well as I think parents may be fallen to the idea that if they aren't being serious enough, then they won't be taken seriously when it comes to holding boundaries. Well, what's interesting is I always used humor when I was disciplining and it works because they don't feel like it's a negative. That sounds crazy, but they're more likely just to say, yeah, I shouldn't have done that. What's my consequence? You know, like when I was working with kids, if they did something I didn't like, like young kids, now I had no leverage. And this is not what I teach because this is when I was just mentoring troubled kids in schools and all that and whatever. So I was just mentoring kids who were maybe acting out in class. I was just a volunteer. I'm at the back of the class with the kid. If they did something that was naughty, I had no leverage. What am I going to do? You know, no TV tonight. I had no leverage. So what I used to do is I made sure I was fun and connected with those kids so that I would take away fun Lisa. Now you can't do this at home because you're not fun parent 24 seven. But when I'm with those kids, I'm connecting, I'm doing nothing but talking to them and connecting with them. So I'd say, I'll tell you what, I didn't like what you just did. So I'm just going to go quiet for 30 seconds. And that's all I look at. I'd look at my watch, start counting the second hand. And then they'd say, sorry, Lisa. I'd say, that's okay, 20 more seconds. And they'd kind of laugh, but they got the point. Then they were great with me for the rest of the session. Okay, because I always lead with positivity. I don't lead with negativity. Discipline doesn't have to be negative. It can be positive. It can be just a really quick lesson and get it over with. And then you connect with the good kid. You always want to try and bring the good kid out, not knock down the bad kid. That's the pool story. Check it out. You can Google Bratbusters pool story. It'll explain what I mean by all this. I never ignore bad behavior. I address it, but I do not focus on it. I don't want that to become their identity. Then whatever you focus on, whatever you put your energy into is what grows. If you're putting all of your focus and energy into dealing with the bad behavior, you're just going to get more of it, guaranteed 100%. I put most of my energy and focus into the good kid and having fun with them and connecting with them. A lot of parents miss that. And I can understand it. If you've got a kid who's really pushing your buttons and really being difficult, you want to just do nothing but address that bad behavior, flip it around and focus on the good kid and watch the difference. So you mentioned that this approach isn't applicable because you can't be fun parent all the time. But you do talk about the fact that when you are disciplining right in the moment, you talk about how you often got quite boring. I get very quiet and boring. And I was a very goofy, loud mother. And I remember once, my son had a little friend over. Who was a terror? We didn't know this kid. We never had him over again. It was his goal to destroy everything in our house and get me to yell at him. He even said to my son, ooh, this is going to make your mom yell at me. My son said, we never had him over again. He was a handful, but destructive. Anyway, my son didn't like, it was awful. So anyway, I heard my son talking to him and he says, no, my mom doesn't yell. But if she whispers, run. That was really cute. Yeah, when I'm discipling, this is how I talk. I go, well, that was interesting. I'll tell you what, here's what we're going to do. And that's how I discipline. That's my tone. I'm very in control. I'm very calm and it calms them down because there's no shame in doing something naughty. You just have to make it up. You have to have a consequence. Okay, so I want them to be accountable, but there's no shame in making mistakes. A lot of parents use the shaming and blaming technique. Why would you do that? You know better than that. That's horrible. That is shaming and blaming. How would you feel if you were pulled over for a speeding ticket and the policeman said to you, why would you do that? You know better than that. Isn't that awful? And yet you do it to your kids all the time, shaming and blaming. You just say, oh, well, that was a poor choice. Here's your consequence, blah, blah, blah, and follow through. No shaming and blaming. Let's do a little bit of a pivot. Why do you think boundaries are important as a parent? Well, life is full of boundaries. So like you have to pay your taxes. You can't just run around the street naked or maybe you could, I don't know. But we all have boundaries to live by. The sooner they learn that, the better. Okay, we all have boundaries. The world is full of boundaries and rules and borders and all that stuff. You can't just go anywhere you want at any time. You can't do anything you want in this world. There's always rules everywhere you go. Think about it. We're just used to living with them. You can't just go speeding down the street whenever you want, flying through stop signs, just hitting people, stealing stuff. Right? The world has boundaries and borders. So the sooner your children learn this, the better. Do you think it's a parent's responsibility to set up boundaries for their kids? 100%. If you don't teach them about structure and rules and habits and all sorts of, like, think about it, school. You know what's interesting is, let's say kids are out at recess and then the bell goes, do the kids ever stay out there and argue that they don't want to go in? It's extremely rare. Why is that? They don't question the boundary because they know there's no point in doing so. I make sure that kids know there's no point in pushing my boundaries. I'm just going to make sure that there's no, there's no payoff for it. Right? You often talk about this kind of mindset shift of seeing boundaries and discipline is actually kindness. Well, I should talk about that more because everyone asks me about discipline, but really that's not what I'm all about at all. I'm really good at connecting with kids and teenagers. That's my thing. That's my superpower. I know how to make them feel good about themselves. When they like themselves, when they're with me, how do you think they're going to treat me? I know how to bring out the best in them. That's just what I do. So I know how to make them feel good when they feel good, they do good. When they feel bad, they do bad. We all feel safe and we feel proud of ourselves when we do follow the boundaries. Now, what I said at the very top of this podcast was be careful what boundaries you choose. Make sure they're fair and reasonable. And with teenagers, you negotiate all the boundaries. You don't just say, here's the rule, you're in by 10 o'clock every single night, but mom, I'm 19. You got to be very fair and reasonable with the boundaries. Also, let's say I laid down a lot with my kids. I didn't do that a lot, but let's say I did. If they didn't like it, what would you have done? I would have told you. Say, mom, I don't think that's fair. And I go, sure, okay, why? And they'd tell me, and I go, you're right, I was unfair. Let's work out, let's negotiate. Okay? Then we'd negotiate back and forth. So they had a voice, believe me. But my rules were fair and reasonable. So why would they even argue them? Well, some rules were fair and reasonable. What was one? Do you have an example of one that wasn't? Do you want to talk about home clothes and school clothes? No. Okay, I'll tell you what. This is really funny. I just thought about this yesterday because my back's gone out and I'd already been outside in the clothes I was wearing. And I went to fall and I was near my bed. Well, those are my outside clothes. I wouldn't touch my bed with outside clothes. Second, I come in my home, I wash my hands. I'm very clean. Anyway, so I was funny because I ended up falling on the floor because there's no way that my outdoor clothes would touch my bed. So I ended up falling on the floor. You didn't tell me that part. No, why would I tell you that? Anyway, she'd get mad at me. But anyway, this is what was funny. My kids had like public clothes and private home clothes. Now, you know what's funny about this? A lot of people do this. They say, I have my home clothes and my public clothes. And as soon as their kids come home from school, they are changed. They wash their hands. They are changed. There's no way my kids' uniforms would have sat on my couch. You come inside and they didn't have hazmat suits at the front door, but my son used to often say they did. Yeah, we had to get into a hazmat suit before we can come in the house. Pretty much. So yeah, they probably didn't like that rule, but not, you know, I, and also I, because I am really fussy, I love cleaning and I'm really into like hygiene and all that stuff, but I didn't push that on my kids, like except with the home clothes and that. But when they were young, like I made sure that I never cleaned around them because I didn't want them to see how nuts I am. And I didn't want them to think that that's normal. I didn't want them to think they have to be that clean. Also, as they got older, like teenagers, I let them have messy rooms. There's no way I would put my, I'm not OCD, but I'm borderline. And there's no way I wanted to put that on my kids. So, but yeah, my boundaries were very clear with my kids, but they were also fair and reasonable. If they weren't, my kids would have negotiated out of them. Plus, when you clean around people, I mean, little footprints going on mop floors. I mean, let's just talk about it from a logistics standpoint. I remember once I came in the room and my kids were on the couch and I didn't even have a mop in my hand. I swear, I don't think they ever saw me without one, but I think this time I didn't even have a mop. They were watching TV and their feet, when I came in the room, their feet automatically lifted off the floor. Thought I was cleaning. I was just coming in the room. That's how much I cleaned. I vacuum and mop every single day. And it was crazy, but I didn't want to put that on my kids. So rules and boundaries, be fair and reasonable. They're not always your rules and boundaries. Like I didn't think my kids had to be as clean and fussy as I am. Neither of them are, they're fine, but they're not like I am. You know, I was born this way. I knew I was different when I was a little kid, because I had two friends that had, they had really fussy mothers and I used to love visiting their houses. And it was just gold if I was there on a Saturday morning, because the mom would be vacuuming them. And I'd be watching her like a hawk. Like I just love all that stuff. See, I was nuts. But I didn't want to put that on my kids, because I was very aware that that was just my way. Okay. It's not my way isn't the highway. Like I didn't want my kids to feel that way. I wanted them to develop their own personalities and their own sort of strengths and weaknesses and that. But along the way, you have to be nice. That was my thing. You have to be nice. You have to treat people well. And you have to try your best. And you know, but I mean, I was very much like, you know, develop into your own personalities. But just do it in clean clothes. Yeah. But even when they were, and then by the time they were teenagers, that rule went out the window, because I don't want to push that on teenagers. That's kind of ridiculous. A lot of stuff goes out the window with teenagers. I never did that with you when you were a teenager. Did I? Do you remember? No, you did not. I never did. I made a big, and I remember my son even said something about that once. And I said, well, you're teenagers now. I'm not going to do that to you now. And I said, it would be nice if you chose to live like them, but they never did. So yeah, I saw a lot of high twitches from her, but you know, it's all good. I did drool and wet myself a few times, but I mean, it was okay. But I wouldn't put that on teenagers. No, not at all. Now, what age do you think you would start implementing boundaries as a parent? I would say two. Yeah, about two. Like you have to wash your hands before you eat. And you can't have toys at the dinner table. They start to understand this stuff. When we're going to change your diaper, it's going to be changed. There's no negotiating that. So there's certain things that are just rules and boundaries. Funny thing is when you always just follow through in a calm way, they don't tend to question it because they realize there's no point in questioning that. But then when it's playtime, especially at two and above, when it's playtime, let them be in charge of that silly stuff. Let them feel like they're in control of something. And that is the playtime. Okay, should we get into the parenting questions on this? Oh, I thought we were all done. Okay. The first one is Liz from the United States. What are the consequences you talk about? Need help in consequences for three boys, ages three, five and six? Okay, a consequence isn't always something negative. Like let's say they break the rule on the behavior board, then the consequence should be a good deed. It's just doing a nice chore. It's just you did something naughty, now replace it with something good. And the punishment does not have to fit the crime. We did a whole podcast on that. It doesn't have to be, what do they call it? Natural consequences or something? The punishment does not have to fit the crime. So let's say they steal something, then they don't have to... Well, that's a bad one. That's stupid. I don't have any... Let's not even try. But I think let's just stick with that. Anyway, so yeah, consequences could just be empty the dishwasher. And a consequence is always like within a timeframe. So it's usually what? Sweep the kitchen floor. The consequence should take about two minutes to do, but you want to give them about 15 minutes to do it. You want to give them time to whine, complain, tantrum, and procrastinate. But once that buzzer goes, that 15 minutes is up, if they didn't do it, if they didn't finish it in that time, then you resort to the second consequence, which is usually take away something. So the first consequence is a positive action. You did something bad, now replace it with something good, a good deed. Okay? If they don't do that within the time slot, then you say, okay, so you didn't do that first consequence. Now there's no media, like no screens for the next 24 hours. Or something like you're taking something away, something that they usually get every single day and that they really love and they would miss if they didn't get it. Okay, the next one is Charlotte from Canada. I have a three-year-old who really likes to test limits, like push them as far as she can. Listening is also challenging at times, especially when she's in the middle of playing. An example is when it's time to get dressed for preschool, but she'd much rather continue coloring. I don't want to get frustrated, raise my voice, or have to ask multiple times. What would you suggest in these situations? Sincerely, a mother of a very strong-willed little girl. Why is she coloring before she's dressed? I don't understand that. Like play comes after you do what you need to do, then you can do what you want to do. So I wouldn't allow any play or any coloring or any screens until she's ready. She has to get dressed, she has to brush her teeth, she has to eat breakfast, she has to have everything ready for school. Then she can color. So yeah, you're allowing her to have fun before she can... It's kind of like letting someone in Disneyland then asking them to pay admittance. They're already on the ride. Like it's kind of like that. Like you're kind of interrupting the fun. So yeah, they learn really, really young. You got to do what you need to do before you can do what you want to do. And school morning is a perfect example of that. Sure, as soon as you're already, then you can do some coloring. So yeah, you just got things out of order there. You're already letting her on Dumbo at Disneyland. Now you're trying to collect money for it. Yeah, good luck with that. It's not going to happen. Okay, the next one is Jade from the United States. Just a second. I think that was a really good analogy. It was actually. Okay, God, I'm so bad at them. Like that one I was just trying to do with the stealing. Yeah, do you want a gold star? Yeah, I do. Thank you. Okay, go ahead. Okay, Jade from the United States. My son is almost two and a half years old and is such a well-behaved, happy little boy. However, recently, he's become more demanding. And when he wants something, he gets frustrated, raises his voice, grabs at it and gets emotional. While the majority of the time, the nature of his request is not harmful, I do not want to give in for the sheer reason of teaching him that he will get what he wants when he gets emotionally upset. I try to wait for him to calm down to explain why he can't just have it in that moment and try to tell him that we need to wait until mommy is done or until it's his turn, but he will get louder and I need it or reach for it leading to becoming even more upset. I don't want him to learn that this behavior gets him what he wants, even though at times there is no problem with giving him what he wants, in which case I feel like a mean mother. Okay, I think I know what's going on. I think you've been inconsistent. It sounds like sometimes you'll give in, but other times you won't. Is that, did I pick up on that right? You think she said a couple of things that I thought because you said, it sort of depends. I don't want to be mean all the time. You got to be consistent all the time. So pick your lane here. Is he allowed to have, let's say, sugar before dinner? Sometimes. If you even let him do that once in a month, he's going to fight to get that every single day. You see, you have to be 100% consistent. So that I'm thinking that's what's going on here. You know, like as a good example, if you sometimes let them run across the street, let's say, yeah, they have to hold your hand because you're going to cross the street. He's two and a half. If you know there's no cars around, it's completely safe. You say, okay, you don't have to hold my hand. He's going to fight you the next time, even though there's lots of cars coming. You see, you got to be consistent. When you pick something like that, you have to be 100% consistent. So I'm pretty sure that's what's going on. She said two things there that made me think that's what it is. So if you don't want them to do something, never let them do it. It's like, you know, oftentimes I used to, I don't see this as much. I live downtown, so there's not as many kids in the supermarket here, but I used to see this all the time in the suburbs. There'd be a mom shot or dad shopping with their little toddler, and they might be in the seat, which is great. You want to have them in that seat in the cart, but they'll let them help with the groceries, like let's say the Kleenex or the toilet paper. They'll let them throw that in the back or the box of crackers. Here you go. You can help. Then they go to the pickle aisle, and the toddler has an absolute freak out because their parent won't let them put the pickles in the back. They don't understand the difference. You were completely inconsistent there. Okay, they can help sometimes. They don't understand the difference between paper towels, throwing those in the back, and throwing a carton of eggs in the back. Okay, so think about it. Are you confusing him? I think that might be it. Okay, the next one is Cassie from the United States. My 19-month-old won't let me wash his face, wipe his nose when it's snotty or brush teeth. All of a sudden, everything is a fight, and I need to force all of these things to happen when he screams and cries. Okay, the teeth brushing is a hard one. I'll tell you how to do that. But with the washing his face, just do it anyway. Doesn't matter if he likes it or not. Make it a nice, like a nice warm wet rag or whatever. But make, you know, you got to do that anyway. That's okay. Teeth brushing is harder because they can, you know, close their mouth. It's much harder. I would do that. I've got a lot of different methods I've tried with kids. I always do it in front of a mirror with them, and they can watch themselves, and I do it with them. And I usually have like a teeth brushing song, and I make a game out of it. I make it fun. So give that a go. But he only sees that song or that video that he loved while he's brushing his teeth. As soon as, if he fights, you turn it off. Okay. And say, okay, as soon as you brush your teeth, you can do it again. Well, I think you now need to sing the teeth brushing song. Well, I don't have one. There's, look on, look on. Okay. I used to make one up. Okay. Brush. And one. Okay. Brush, brush, brush your teeth gently down the mouth. Shine-ally, shine-ally, shine-ally, shine-ally, look. They're all nice and white. I think that was it. It was so stupid. Kids don't know. They don't know. Now I'm turning red. How embarrassing. But yeah, it was to the tune of Rover-Roy boat. I don't remember exactly how I set it. But anyway, that was it. We get a copyright strike for that. No one's to us to claim that one. No, but anyway, just try and make it fun because it is in the hygiene department. You don't want to make it like you do this or else. Yeah. Not at that age for sure. Try and make it fun. They like looking at themselves. You can even show them a video of them brushing their teeth that they were maybe take a video of it when they did it right. And then you can keep playing that video. They love, oh my God, they love videos of themselves. My granddaughter, she's loved looking at videos of herself. I showed her a video of me the other day. She could not have looked more bored. Could not. Like it has no interest in looking at grandma on a video, but she was, you know, they're just enthralled by watching themselves. It's completely normal. We all kind of are. We just don't like to admit it as we get older. Set up like 15 mirrors so that they can really watch themselves brush their teeth. Like a fun house. Yeah. Try and make it fun and do it with them and try and use music and stuff like that. You know, you don't talk a lot about that, but I do think that that is a big part of your method is making things like that, like leading with fun to get results. Okay. Yes. It is my style for sure. Why do I not talk about that a lot? You know why? Because, well, it's kind of awkward. The reason I don't really, I don't talk about what I did. I talk about what works with other parents usually. A lot of parents aren't goofy. Don't like singing. So it almost goes against the grain for a lot of parents to do this stuff. So I don't want you to feel bad if you don't do it. There's other ways. You can just show them a show. I would be more likely to be singing along with them. A really goofy song. That's more my style. But after working with parents for the past 20 years, I realized a lot of parents have said to me in the past, you know, when I did talk more about my style, I used to talk more about it. And then they say, yeah, but you're goofy with kids. I'm not. It doesn't work with me. It just doesn't come naturally. So yeah, that's why I don't talk about it a lot, but they love it when you enter their world. Fun is their world. Goofy is their world. Silly is their world. The more you can enter that, the more power you have. Okay, we're not going for the authoritative style power, but the more respect you're going to get. Okay, they just, they just look at you differently. I know even my granddaughter, she does so many things that I've done that were silly with her. And she looked, she repeats them. She wants me to continue doing it. Just the silliest things like I'll lift up a blanket and go, she pushes the button on the back of the couch. Just the couch button. And then I pretend the blanket is a garage door and she parks her bus underneath there. She knows it's silly. And she knows I would never do this with anyone else. She knows I don't do that. Adults do do that. They look at you differently. They feel so respected when you do that. It's unreal. You enter their world. Their world is silly. It's full of imagination. It's full of creativity and just having fun and being silly and not overthinking it. Okay, they love that. I don't talk about it a lot because a lot of parents find that challenging and then they feel bad because they don't do it. There's lots of other ways to be. That's just my personal style. Okay. But I think it's also nice to bring up because even though maybe it's not in someone's basic nature, they may try it and they may actually really enjoy it. Well, I did have this one client and I get permission to tell these stories. She was very quiet, very sweet, sweet lady. And she said, you know, humor has never been my thing. She said, it's just not my way. You know, it's my first kid. She's never had played with kids before. Her child was her very first kid she's ever been around. So I said, well, what do you enjoy? What are you good at? Well, she was a phenomenal storyteller. I mean, brilliant at it. And I said, well, you tell me a story because she says, I like to tell stories and incorporate people in those stories. So she told me a story about myself and she was really good at picking out different traits of mine. You know, she just made it so personal and that became the fun. She became the fun mom through storytelling. So and she didn't really do it with her kids because she didn't think they'd appreciate it. I thought that was interesting, but she ended up becoming really bonded with her kids through storytelling. So you don't have to be silly and goofy. That just happens to be my style. And it's easy because toddlers love it. It's an easy thing to do with toddlers because that's their style. I think I'm a 65 year old toddler. So I can second that. Yeah, I am very goofy. Okay, we'll go into the next question. It's Michelle from the United States. Three and a half year old. We've always followed your calm leadership parenting method. She's strong-willed and pushes back, but she's very aware we're consistent. We did see a positive change the month she turned three, where she became aware of our boundaries and knew we'd hold them. The challenge is that we have to tell her an instruction, so time to put shoes on, and 80 to 90% of the time she won't listen, so we physically help her. The challenge is we nearly always have to physically do it for her to make her so that we don't repeat ourselves. We find that she's really motivated by going out or socializing. So if we say, if you want to go for a walk, time to put on your shoes, and she'll do it right away, but we don't always have a motivating reason. So for example, time to wash hands. In which case, we always have to physically move her, and she doesn't seem to mind us making her. She just chooses to not do it on her own and ignore our initial instruction until we physically make her. How can we get her to listen and follow our request without always being physically there to help her? We thought by following through and not repeating ourselves, she'd get better at just doing it the first time, but she almost always prefers physical guidance to the audible instruction. Are your kids driving you nuts? They don't have to. Check out bratbusters.com for my boot camp courses if you want to learn how to become a leader. Yeah, where's the consequence? Right? I would just put on the behavior board something like put your shoes on within five minutes of being asked to do so. If you don't, when we get home later, there'll be a consequence. Yeah. And you said when she's, of course, they're good when they're motivated. They're all great at getting ready when they're off to Disneyland, right? Not so much when they're going off to school. So yeah, because she's just doing what suits her. That's the bottom line. It's not that she's well behaved when they're going, you know what I mean? She's just doing it when it suits her. So yeah, just put down, put your, start small, just start with the shoes. Be very specific. Don't say, do what we tell you within five minutes. That's ridiculous. Just pick one battle and just say, put your shoes on within five minutes of being asked to do so, or there'll be a consequence later on when we get home. You often talk about while putting on shoes, might not be the biggest thing that the parents struggling with is that, it is that small win. It is, you know, you got to build on small habits at a time. You don't start with, is that James Clear, atomic habits? It's 1% better each day. Start small and build on it. Otherwise you're just going to crash and burn. So yeah, just pick one little battle and then she'll learn, you know, and then just say, well, that kind of applies to hand washing now too. So, you know, later down the road, you know, so she'll start to understand. You don't ever want to be telling them what to do even. They've just got, like my kids knew when they came home from school, they ran and washed their hands right away, then they ran and got changed, right? Because they couldn't wear their school clothes at home. So that's just my weird rule. But anyway, so they just knew, they've never questioned, I never told them, right? So yeah, she'll just get used to doing it because it's what's done. But you train them into these things by starting small and just having a consequence if they don't do it. No anger and don't threaten. Just say, and what you do is you say, okay, so it's time to get ready, time to get our shoes on, and the timer starts now. You've got five minutes. You can do a countdown. Oh, three more minutes. Don't say to put your shoes on. Don't keep saying put your shoes on. Say it once. Then if she doesn't, then I would pick her up and put her in the car with her stocking feet and bring her shoes along. And then she's going to say, is there going to be a consequence? And say, we'll discuss it later. Okay. But she's already understood that there's going to be a consequence. She'll clue in, she's three and a half. She knows what's going on. In other words, she's in charge. She knows it. The next one is Grace from the United Kingdom. Hi there. I have a seven and four year old. We've seen some improvements since implementing the behavior board, but I got a bit unstuck recently when I asked my son to help me with a house chore outside of his usual remit. And he said, this feels like a consequence. I don't want helping around the house to feel like a punishment. Opposite of action consequence have almost always been related to housework, as my daughter would have no interest in playing with my son's toys and vice versa. How do you delineate the punishment from just being helpful? Well, you're asking, I don't know which one this is, is the boy the seven year old and he doesn't want to do extra. Extra help? The boy, it doesn't say it. Okay, it doesn't say. Okay, so listen, the thing is you got to work, that's connection. Once you're connected with your kids and you're already a leader, that is more in the attitude department. Okay, so when your leadership is cemented, that takes about three to six months before it's really cemented. It takes 100% consistency on your part. Yet when you first start doing all this, it's three to six weeks before you start seeing results, but three to six months before it's cemented. Once it's cemented, asking them to do something is no big deal. They'll just say, sure. And we have one final one. So Tyra from the United States, daughter is three years old and I'm curious on what bad behavior versus behavior I should just let go. For example, she will unravel the toilet paper roll if I don't come to wipe her right away. And this stone doesn't bother me as much as it bothers my husband, but she makes a lot of messes when eating. Sometimes I think it's on purpose. Other times I think she's just a messy eater. Is that a behavior we should be fixing and give a consequence for or is that not as important? I can't discuss the eating because there was no details with that, so I don't know. And she's three. Is she in preschool or anything and what she like there? Like, does she know the difference? But the toilet roll, I would just say, I'll tell you what, we don't like you doing that. So if you do it again, then there'll be a consequence. So you can put on the behavior board, no one rattling the toilet roll. She's only doing it because she's sitting there bored. And yeah, but she still can't do it. I mean, I was just going to make a joke, but it was inappropriate. Anyway, so yeah, just say there's going to be a consequence if you do it again. So it's not really bad behavior, but now it is. Now you've labeled it. That's something you shouldn't do. Not necessarily bad behavior, but that's a habit you shouldn't do. So if you do it, then there'll be a consequence. I'm just envisioning the parent going in and trying to use the toilet paper. And it's like triple the size because she's trying to wrap the dad's all mad. Yeah. All kid goes through that. Also cats do that a lot, but all you have to do with cats is flip it around. So it goes the other way. The kids will figure out, but yeah, all kids are going to do that. You did it. I remember that. I can actually remember that. I remember you panicking because once you got to a certain point, it started unraveling all by itself and you couldn't stop it. I realized the point of no return. That's right. And she's, oh no, oh no. So anyway, but yeah, just make it very clear that that is something that she shouldn't do. And if she chooses to do it again, then there's going to be a consequence. So it's not necessarily bad behavior, but it's something that you want to, you know, stop her from doing. Okay. Well, that was it for the questions. Okay. So it was holding boundaries without guilt. There is no guilt in teaching your children that life is full of boundaries and rules. And that's life. That's the world. Okay. And be fair, be fun. If you're fun with your kids, see, I'd never had any guilt because I was a really fun mom. I thought you're darn lucky to have me. Maybe I was wrong, but that was my own mindset. So I had no guilt whatsoever in doing this because I was really fun. 99% of the time it was just all fun and laughter. Okay. Because I focused on the fun. I focused on the good kid. I didn't focus on the bad behavior and they grew out of that by the time they were about three, they're going to stop experimenting by three. If you're a leader, they'll stop at three. That's that real fork in the road. If you're not a leader, they often get worse because they think you don't know what you're doing. So I'm going to take over. My kids knew I knew what I was doing. So they just got easier and it was back and forth too. If they didn't like what I was doing, they would tell me there's no freaking way my kids would have held back. They would have said, mom, I don't think you were very, being very fair. And if they ever came at me like that, they were always right because I wasn't being fair about something, but they also had a voice. Okay. So boundaries are kindness because you're teaching them about the world. And you're also raising kids that other people are thrilled to be around. Okay. Teachers loved my kids. Principles sent me handwritten notes every single year about how good my kids were. It just happened right through high school. Okay. So you want that. That makes you feel good. Like you've done something right. Okay. They weren't perfect. No one is, but they were pretty darn good. Are you going to take that out now because you don't like me bragging about you? I think maybe you talk about, mommy makes us be nice. Well, my son was in grade two. Was it grade two? I think, yes, it was. He was in grade two and the teacher phoned me on, I forgot, I haven't said this in a long time. But I used to talk about this a lot. The teacher called me at lunch, right? On her lunch break. And she said, Lisa, she says, you won't believe what your son said. He was in grade two and she said to him, why are you so nice? And he looked up at her like, he just said it like this. He goes, oh, mommy makes us be nice. I thought that was so cute. Yeah. That was always my thing. Just be nice. I want them to be happy, but I also want them to be nice. Right. So that was always my focus was being nice. Isn't that cute? Mommy makes us be nice. We had no say in it. You're darn right. So I do. I want them to be nice kids. You know, and it's not, I didn't, I didn't want them to be perfect. I didn't want that. I just wanted them to be really nice and polite and respectful. But there's no such thing as any, you don't want perfection in anybody because we're not perfect either. But what is perfect is when you do mess up, then you're accountable for it. To me, that's perfection is being vulnerable, being human, and then making up for it, owning it and making up for it. That's not perfection, but that's pretty darn good. That's what I like. Anyway, that's what you were aiming for. Yeah. You don't have to be perfect, but make it, you know, own it. And we used to laugh at ourselves all the time. So always, always making fun of ourselves and each other. So it's, it's okay to not be perfect. It's okay to do silly stuff and mess up sometimes. That's okay. Yeah. Mistakes were never framed in a really negative way. No, because I make them too, right? So, but you're accountable if you do make a mistake, as am I. Okay. I think that's it. Boundaries are kindness. They're preparing them for life and they're done with love, not with anger. Okay. Thanks so much for joining us. We'll be back again soon talking about another parenting topic. Happy parenting. Thanks for tuning in. If you're ready to dive deeper, check out bratbusters.com to learn more about the behavior board, parenting courses, and private one-on-one coaching with Lisa. If you've enjoyed the show so far, we'd love it if you could take a moment to follow, rate, and review us on your favorite podcast platform. Your feedback helps us reach more parents just like you. The information provided in this podcast is for general informational purposes only, and is not intended as a substitute for professional advice. Lisa is a parenting coach, mom, and grandmother. She is not a licensed psychologist or counselor. Her services do not replace the care of psychologists or other healthcare professionals. For a full disclaimer, please visit bratbusters.com forward slash disclaimer.