S1E11 - 'The Night Receptionist' REMASTERED

Prime Video offers the best in entertainment. This should be fun. Jason Momoa and Dave Bautista go completely down in the hilarious new action film The Wrecking Crew. Inbegrepen by Prime. Yeah, I'm pumped. Find the new Game of Thrones series A Night of the Seven Kingdoms. Based on the bestseller of George R.R. Martin. Look by being a member of HBO Max. So be brave, be just. So whatever you want to find, Prime Video. Here you look at everything. Abonnement is revised. In-house conferencing is 18+. The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Jamie, why are we here? We're here because my dad's written a porno. Your dad's written a porno. Erotic literature. Why? Previously on My Dad Wrote a Porno. Belinda was completely naked and Peter was completely dressed. We must look completely stupid, Peter exclaimed. He grabbed her cervix. We just had good old-fashioned sex. it's what we both wanted and when you get what you want you feel great this is belinda's mantra hello and welcome to yet another installment of my dad wrote a porno i'm here with alice hello hello and james hi how are you both doing good thank god we're here because if we weren't here you'd just be in a room on your own reading your dad's fantasies. And there's nothing wrong with that, James. Whatever passes an evening. Indeed. So last week we had Belinda and Peter getting down and dirty in a hotel room for once, thank God. And once again, lest we forget, it was the second time that day they'd had a little seth. They're obsessed with each other. So we're on the third to last chapter. I honestly can't believe that. Third to last is such a thing Rocky would say. We're on the third to penultimate chapter. It doesn't make it any less mournful though, does it? Because it is all about to be over, which I'm quite weirdly upset about, despite it being my dad's porn, so I should be grateful that it's about to be over, but I'm not. Well, that's exactly why we couldn't just limit ourselves to one podcast a week. So I don't know if you've noticed, we've introduced the footnotes, which come midweek, so that Porno Day doesn't seem so far away. And that's just bits that we couldn't fit into the show, stuff that we think that you would like to know. Yeah, a little bit more about Rocky, about his mind, his process. People want more porn. People just cannot get enough. So let's give it to them. Let's give the public what they want. And I want to be that provider. I don't know about you two, but that's what I want my heritage to be. Your epitaph. You know, when you look how your life's going to turn out, this is not what I saw for myself reading porn every week. This is what I saw for you. That's weird. Yeah. I mean, it's certainly not what I saw for myself. So what is Chapter 12 called? Chapter 12 is called The Night Receptionist. The Youngish Man. The Youngish Man is about to make a reappearance. Let's crack on. Shall we? my goodness. Okay, so, Belinda Blinked, Chapter 12, The Night Receptionist. Belinda put on her riding jacket, jodhpurs and leather boots, sat down in the corner chair and slowly sipped the rest of her unfinished brandy. Sure enough, five minutes later, there was a knock on the door. Who's this? What time is it? It's like two in the morning. Room service, madam. Come in please Did she order room service? No I think it's one of those Oh It's like when people go Police And then they've got a ghetto blaster And they're wearing like leather chaps And they're like Yeah Yeah You're talking about Personal experience there I heard a friend say it once Come in please The youngish man on reception Entered the room with a trolley On which sat the ice bucket With a full bottle of chilli and chardonnay Her favourite Third bottle of the night I think Yeah Has she ordered this? I'm a little bit I can't quite remember. No, I don't think so. We'll find out. I love that the youngish man... We probably won't find out, Alice. It's a very important plot point. We'll think about it forever. I love that the youngish man still hasn't got a name. Do you think we'll ever know his name? And also it just said, the youngish man on reception. Well, he can't be the youngish man on reception when he's not on reception. Then he's just the youngish man. The youngish man on reception... To give him his full title. The youngish man on reception entered the room with a trolley on which sat the ice bucket filled with a bottle of chilli and chardonnay. Beside it sat two rounds of what looked like turkey sandwiches. How festive. So specific about the meat as well. Why wasn't it chicken? So specific that it's turkey. My dad loves turkey. Does he? It's like his favourite meat. It's not a traditional middle of the night snack though, is it? A turkey sandwich. Unless it's December the 26th, I can't think of another time I've ever raided the fridge for that. Beside it sat two rounds of what looked like turkey sandwiches, one of Belinda's many favourite late-night snacks. Oh, there you go, you see, you haven't lived. Like Belinda, like Rocky. My sincere apologies for the lateness of the hour, but the ice machine started to play up, madam. Yes, she did order it, and do you remember he said, I'll do it, I'll have to get more ice. Oh, I need to replenish the ice, yeah. Yeah, yeah. How long ago was that? Probably about five hours ago. Efficiency. Someone's not getting a tip. Oh, I think he's about to get a huge tip. Let's not beat around the bush. They're definitely going to have sex, right? I mean, he'll be beating around the bush. Oh! Lovely. Alice looked at me as if a little part of her inside just died. I look at you that way every week. This is true. I like to think that you're not looking at me so much as Rocky threw me. 100%. Think of me as every person listening to this. My sincere apologies for the lateness of the hour, but the ice machine started to play up, madam. I'm sure it did, young man. Don't apologise. Your timing is appropriate. Oh, God. And I hope it's not the first time tonight. It will be so. Is she going to go to bed? Does she mean like as in don't be too quick? Yeah, I think that's like his... Well, to be fair, Peter Rouse, she's clearly getting the disclaimer in early. It took about 30 seconds for the receptionist to understand Belinda's remark and he burst into a wide grin. Another lull from Belinda there. Is that hilarious? I don't get any of her joke. I understand, madam. Thank you. With that, he shut the door, walked over to Belinda and kissed her on the lips. Oh, my. The lips? That's quite sensual. That comment that she made, if you hadn't have known that she'd been, like, shagging Peter all night, was quite cryptic. So for him to, like, burst into a smile, as is the phrase, he's reading a lot into that. That's quite a forward move to just go in and kiss her. Yeah I quite like that From such a youngish man Can we do a quick tally I really be interested to know how many people Belinda has slept with today Oh good Today or throughout the book No, today. Today, okay. Just today. Okay, well, it all started... Alphonse was the first one, I think. Yeah. In the May. That's true. Alice, you have raised your hand. Oh, no, I'm tallying. That's my one for Alphonse. Oh, okay. So Alphonse, then it was Mr. Jim Sterling, the vole, who can forget him. Never be forgotten. And then it was Peter. Rouse, if you will. Peter, yeah. Correct. Then it was the Duchess. No. Oh, the Duchess, yeah. Duchess. And then it was Peter again. Okay, so... And again. And again, yeah. Sorry, again, orgasming because it's so exciting. So four. Do you know what? We've been tarring her with a brush un... Four in a day? Four in a day, Jamie. Oh, yeah. I'm not saying it costs a lifetime that that's, you know, promiscuous, but in a night. And now she's about to hit five. Well, we don't know that. And she orgasm about a hundred times with the Duchess. So four. Four actual human beings. And to be fair, it seems like Peter Rouse is becoming like a life mate. So it's almost monogamy with him. Apart from his pesky wife. Oh, true. Pesky wife. How dare she marry him 15 years ago and not anticipate that he'd shag Belinda in some kind of inn. so the receptionist boy would be number five or is about to be number five we think I think so and can you please refer to him by his proper title the youngish man from reception my apologies Belinda took his head in her left hand and returned the kiss with similar vigour took the head it's almost like the like the head's on its side like took the head off the shoulders with vigour similar vigour similar vigour similar vigour comparable vigour slam your body down and similar vigour I might call my firstborn Simla Vigga. Simla Vigga. Simla Vigga Levine. Brilliant name. Oh my God, I love it. He put his hands around her waist and pulled her body into his. She could feel his cock throbbing with excitement as they drew closer. What? How did she feel that? Oh, because their bodies are so close to each other. Like a heart pounding. Yeah. Within the groinal area. Gross. Throbbing with excitement, though, you're right. It sounds like it's wriggling around. You know, like if you trapped a cat in a bag. It doesn't sound like it's just going like, ooh, ooh. It sounds like it's going like, ooh. Like it's wriggling all over, like, ooh, where's that gone? Like when you put like a stick behind your towel and do that like magic trick. She could feel his cock throbbing with excitement as they drew closer, but she did feel a tad hungry after the two hours with Peter. Well, those turkey sandwiches are just sitting there waiting. Slowly, she let him go and said, It would be a pity to waste such a good wine and these wonderful sandwiches. Are you joking? That's a mood killer. What a gutting rejection. Like, I can feel the excitement of your pounding cock, but also, is that a club sandwich? Shall we just... Has that got cranberry sauce in it? Lovely. It would be a pity to waste such a good wine and these wonderful sandwiches. Have you eaten tonight? This is such a nana response. Like literally like, oh, we better take those home, package that up, we'll have that as a picnic. There's a loveless bread. The buffet. What a wonderful, wonderful selection. There was cheese, there was sandwiches, turkey. Touch of trifle, it was lovely. Is that an impression of your grandma? That is what my nana said all the time, yes. Hi nana. Can we use a pen name for my grandma, please? Is there a Flintstone grandma? Let me just Google one sec. Actually, isn't there? It's like an irate woman. Elizabeth Taylor player in the movie. Yeah, who hates Fred. Oh, yeah. Pat Wilmer. What's her name? I couldn't have hoped for better. Oh, God. Nana, I apologise in advance. Okay. Pearl Pebbles Slag Hoople. Who's that? That is the mother of Wilmer and mother-in-law of Fred. For real? For real. Sorry, say that again. So, Pearl Pebbles Slaghoople. Slaghoople. That sounds like something from Belinda Blink. It's unknown if Slaghoople is Pearl's name from a second marriage. Is this on the Flintstones wiki? This is, yeah. That is amazing. So, Pearl. Pearl Pebbles Slaghoople. Pearl loves a good buffet. And does she love a good turkey sandwich? Oh, she loves it. I like it when we discover maybe where the sources of things come from. So, that's good. It would be a pity to waste such a good wine and these wonderful sandwiches. Have you eaten tonight? In actual fact, I haven't, he replied. I tend to satisfy my sexual appetite first and then eat. What, at work? Subtle. What a lad. At work. Has he just been masturbating himself in the back room? Well, in that case, I think we'll break the rules just a little, here and now. What, as in eat first, shag later? Yeah. Isn't it the same as going for a swim? Aren't you supposed to leave two hours? What, so I'm going to vomit once they start Too big a recidive thrusting I'm pretty sure you should leave a window But I think she always throws caution to the wind And it's so unlike Belinda to be putting off sex I know Maybe she doesn't like him What, and she hopes that they'll just eat and go into a bit of a food coma Yeah, and she's like, oh, do you know what, let's have sex in the morning And be like, oh, but I'm off work in the morning She's like, oh, sorry She gleefully shagged Jim Sterling I don't think she cares what they're like Gleefully Belinda reached over and took a sandwich At the same time, she unbuttoned the only single button of her riding jacket. Multitasking again. And double use of buttons. Her breasts once again fell out. Fell out. And stayed on show while she finished the sandwich. I imagine her licking her fingers. Where would they go? The youngish man took one as well and poured them both a glass of wine. That's nice. Gentlemanly for such a young chap. He sat on the edge of the bed and announced, You can't beat the high life. Doesn't get better than this. Glass ceiling. Oh, jeez. A glass of wine and a three-day-old turkey sandwich in the shittest hotel in England. Dream big. You can't beat the high life. Belinda laughed and toasted him with her half-empty glass. He's just poured them a glass. She's necking it. All right, fair do's. One sandwich was enough for Belinda. and she removed the riding jacket. She watched the instantaneous response in the youngish man's trousers. Oh God, here we go again. Squirrel in a haystack or whatever it was. Squirrel in a haystack. That's as bad as in and out as like a doorman. Where are all these rodents coming from? I blame Jim Sterling. Oh, quite. It started with a bone. It did start then and it's just been a deluge. She watched the instantaneous response in the youngish man trousers and asked him to remove them He obliged Could you remove those please Because I just seen an instantaneous reaction in your pants There something crawling around in there We need to see what it is I don't want to alarm you, but I think there might be some ants in your pants. Oh God, I hope it isn't ants. You cannot get rid of ants once you've got them. Honestly. Or even a groin? No, groin probably. Have you even had groin ants? Just kitchen, but do you know what? I wouldn't be surprised if they're there as well. Oh Christ. No, I mean, I hope it isn't ants as in a small willy again, because Belinda can't handle that. That's not code for a small willy. Ants. Ants. What, do people go, it's got ants. I've never heard that. It's got ants. It's got ants. Do you know Mark, it's got ants. He's got an ant. He's got what? You know, like a tiny penis. It's got ants. It's like, what, you thought ants in the pants, Min? No. A teeny willy. A gathering of tiny penises. It's just that this. Because this book just makes you think of inappropriate innuendo, doesn't it? That's true. We'll give you that. He obliged, but also took off his shirt, pants, shoes and socks. He might as well. If he's going to take off his trousers, he might as well get rid of everything. Now standing naked before her, she called him over. Belinda took his erect penis and gently rubbed the cold Chardonnay onto it. Oh, why? She's obsessed with using alcohol as some sort of lubricant, isn't she? James is going to worry about it stinging any minute. No, it's fine on the penis. Oh, is it? Okay, fine. In fairness to the youngish man, he didn't flinch, and Belinda put his cock between her breasts. What? Weren't they both stood up? Is he stood on the bed? How low are her breasts? How tall is the youngish man? How tall is the youngish man? How low are her breasts? Aren't they sat, though? No, he was stood naked before her. Yeah, so maybe she's just sat down so that her breasts would be at the right height for his penis. Oh, that's true. Maybe she's gone in that chair that she was sat in before. Right. Stop taking Rocky's side chair. Well, someone has to. He is my dad, guys. I don't think he takes Rocky's side. I feel like he takes Belinda's side. I'm longing for the day that me and Belinda can be really happy together. Wow. In fairness to the youngish man, he didn't flinch, and Belinda put his cock between her breasts. Using her two hands, she squeezed both breasts together tightly and started to masturbate his penis. For goodness sake, Rocky. To be fair, we haven't had a titty wank yet, so it's only been a matter of time. I don't like how you said that. Using her two hands Wait a sec Did she do it with similar vigour? It doesn't specify But I'm sure she did She squeezed both breasts together tightly I like that what he's done Is he thinks he's invented a titty wank So he's gone What she did is Press the breast together Sandwiching the phallus between And then moved up and down Masturbating the man It's like That's fine Just say Gave him a titty wank Well don't Can we all stop saying titty wank please? I swear it's tit wank as well. Yeah, it's not tit wank. Why do you mean a titty? Is this week my week to have really inappropriate things to say? Usually it's James. I know. Titty wank. Titty wank. Or tit wank, whatever. Titty wank, tit wank. Oh, just stop saying it. Do you think tit wanks just one tit and titties both? I'm surprised he didn't say tit wank. He loves saying tit. He does. It's true. I think you love saying it. Yeah, Al, you love the word tit. Oh my God, I love it. I wouldn't deny it. blue tit there's a tit titular titillation it only took half a minute for him to start groaning his hands fondled her long black hair bringing it up to the top of her head and letting it fall time after time what's this going whoop down whoop down I really thought he was going to do a hairdo then like a maniac I got really excited is it bad that I just want to know what his name is I'm not sure it's going to happen now I don't understand why Rocky's withholding it I mean to be fair actually he might. He could have just run out of names. She might ask actually. Or he might just wait until the very last moment of the chapter and then get him to introduce himself as he leaves. Of course. That is what he normally does. Sorry. He'll be like okay so bye Belinda said Jack. Or hi Belinda I'm Jack bye as usually happens post sex with Belinda. It only took half a minute of him to start groaning. His hands fondled her long black hair bringing it up to the top of her head and letting it fall time after time. However, to Belinda's surprise, he didn't ejaculate and she guessed she'd have to work a bit harder to get the result. Well, it's only been 30 seconds. Give the guy a chance. I'm going to have to work harder. Put some elbow grease into it, Belinda. Glad I had that turkey sandwich. For listeners, James actually did the tit-wank mime there, which was really unnecessary. And really bounced on his chair. Stop doing it for your handstand. Awfully springy, James. Hold on. Oh my God. Why did I do that? How many titty wanks have you given in your time? However, to Belinda's surprise, he didn't ejaculate, and she guessed she'd have to work a bit harder to get that result. Would you mind removing my riding boots? It enables me to pull down my jodhpurs, you see. She keeps asking people to take her boots off. Why can't she take her boots off? Well, they're not her boots, are they? So maybe she just wasn't really prepared. Maybe they're a bit tight and she hasn't bought a shoehorn. I don't know. Lazy. He nodded understanding immediately and helped pull off... Why wouldn't you understand? Very clear. Not the sharpest tool in the box, the youngish man. Yes, Miss Belinda. Do you think he's Manuel? Yeah. I don't even wonder if he's like Spanish, if English isn't his first language. He nodded understanding immediately and helped pull them off Belinda's legs and feet. By now, Belinda had lost count of the times she had pulled on or pulled off these riding boots in the past ten hours, but she thought they were getting more supple each time. Who cares? What, the boots? Boring. Perhaps like her own body, she mused. She did not muse that. She did. That it's getting more supple. Yes. Like stretched and soft. It's getting drier and more ragged. More like leather. Things are going in and out far too frequently. Oh, that's what you mean. These cocks are really loosing up her vagina, I tell you. Oh. Ravish me, she commanded the young man. Sorry, took me by surprise. Said the turkey sandwich. Oh my. Ravish me, she commanded the youngish man, and he immediately removed her jodhpurs. Is that how to ravish someone? What does ravish mean in his book? Undressed, clearly. Now naked, he followed the black line of pubic hair. Would people stop following that black line? It's going to end in disaster. It's not the yellow brick road. Certainly not. It doesn't lead anywhere. Nowhere in good does that pubic line lead. Now naked, he followed the black line of pubic hair to Belinda's vaginal region. It's been in and out of so much and grown so large, it's now described as a region. It's got its own postcode. It's a continent. yeah I feel like two days ago it was an area it's like a nature reserve now it's a shire is it like when they make an area a conservation area like it starts to include more homes it listed you can build on it without permission Absolutely If you wanted to put PVC windows on that you really have to check He got down on his knees, pushed her legs apart, and gently started probing her clitoris with his tongue. Probing? Like a Mars shuttle or something. An exploration. Thankfully gently. Very gently. Very gently. Ever so sultry, the youngish man. Too gently is a bit grim though, isn't it? Belinda, once again that evening, groaned softly at the foreign invasion of her pubic area. Wow. My God, the Nature Reserve's just been invaded. Oh my God. By JCBs. Summon the troops. Alert the cervix. There's a foreign invasion. What a weird metaphor to use for that scenario. A foreign invasion. It's like a game of risk. It's like, you know when the Foreign Office put out a warning of areas not to go to? I feel like this area should be on there. It's certainly a dangerous area. Not good for tourists. Belinda once again that evening groaned softly at the foreign invasion of her pubic area. But this time it was different, she thought. This unexpected pleasure was for her and her only. When was the other pleasure not for her and her only? Well, I guess he's not really doing anything. He can't buy any pots or pans, essentially. Of course, I'm with you. All the other ones were kind of like business transactions, weren't they? Ah, he's just there because he likes her. Yeah. And fancied her breaking a turkey sandwich, but still, all the pleasures for her. A perfect way to end a busy working day. She's finally going to bed. We're going to literally close the chapter on this activity. Also, quite the working day. I mean, jeez. Yeah, she's not even said the busiest working day of her life. That's just quite a busy day. This is up there. It's not number one, but it's up there. It's a perfect way to end a busy working day. No business deals, no reputations to be lost or offended. Just a plain, simple fucking session. That's nice, isn't it? A happy ending. Sleep tight, everyone. And that is the end of chapter 12. That's nice. I feel good after that. It was nice. Excuse me, what? Of all the words, nice. I just mean like... Do you want to take the book home, James? It just ended like, you know... Let's take the youngish man home. The way he probes. The way he probes that foreign invasion. No, I just mean, you know, it sounds like she's going to go to sleep after that. Yeah. The day has ended. She'll have some rest, which is important, because God knows what she's got tomorrow. Actually, what does she have tomorrow? What's the next chapter? What's the next chapter? It's a very good question. The next chapter, oh, oh. What? Uh-oh. Now this chapter heading eludes the fact that this book has a plot, which obviously it doesn't, but it's called The Duchess Comes Clean. What? Oh my God. Comes Clean? No, C-O-M-E-S. Okay, for you. Comes Clean, she is a man, because we thought that that was all a ruse. Oh yeah, because she was, what was it, well endowed. Well endowed, well hung or something. No, well endowed. Belinda. She was well hung. He says breasts hang all the time, so I wouldn't be surprised if he said well hung. Right, so the Duchess comes clean. Well, a lot of people online have been saying that they want a return of the Duchess, so I think this is going to go down well. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I wonder what she's going to come clean about. I can't think. What she was doing for that half an hour while Belinda was in the horse box? Intriguing. It is intriguing. So you'll have to come back next week, guys, to find out what happens. I'm genuinely really just confused. I really don't know where this is going to go now. No. Well, I feel like there's suddenly an injection of plot, or at least purpose, in the writing. Obviously, we're getting near the end. Do you think Rocky's going to finish the book on a cliffhanger? Oh. I didn't think he was capable of such things. Well, he leaves many sentences on a cliffhanger. So one of the books. That's the only way he knows. That'd be great if the end of book one was like, oh my God, what is going to happen next? That'd be amazing. A game changer. Is that like when people do trilogies for films and you kind of always feel like they've not wrapped stuff up because you've got to come back for the next one's story? Right, right, right. Because we don't know where this is going to go, we don't know where the story's, don't call it a story, is going to end up, we thought we'd love to learn more because I'm going to be bereft when this is over. I know. So what we thought we'd do as a kind of treat for us but a treat for all of you guys as well is Christmas Day have a very, very special edition of My Dad Wrote a Porno. We want your questions for Rocky. I feel like looking online, people have a lot of things they want to ask him. I certainly need answers. So yeah, we're going to put some of the probing questions of this series to him in a special edition. So anything that you want to ask about the book, about Rocky, about the characters, maybe about book two, maybe about his other writing projects, anything. basically why the hell he wanted to write this in the first place I think it's a very good question and one to start with certainly one that I want to know the answer to will he stop I think is another good question so yeah all you need to do is send your questions either to our Twitter at Dad Wrote a Porno you can send them to our special email address oh mydadwroteaporno at gmail.com no expense spared notice I don't know any of these addresses so I just lead into James or on Facebook which is just mydadwroteaporno just search that nice and simple Really simple. Or just ring Rocky direct. 0798 joking. How great would that be though? 69, 69, 69, 69. The shape of a naked lady. Or you could record an Insta video asking your question. How modern of you. Thank you very much. You're such a modern man. That is a great idea. It'd be nice to get some audio questions. Yeah, just like record yourselves asking a question, then tag us into it on Instagram, which is at my dad wrote a. There's no porno. It ends like one of Rocky's sentences midway through. So it's been a pleasure for Belinda, a pleasure just for her and her alone. And thanks for listening, everybody. See you next week. Turkey sandwiches, guys. Yeah. Absolutely. Chilling chardonnay. I want that buffet. Wait, wait, wait, guys. Sorry, if any of you are still listening, there's been a lot of talk recently. I made a mistake, hands up, and I should admit to it. I was foolish enough to suggest that Rocky was wrong. and in fact it was me who was wrong. I said that the last chapter, which was titled Sunday Night, 11.55pm, was factually incorrect, and I thought it was actually Saturday night. It was Sunday night. I feel a fool, and I can only apologise to all the listeners and to Rocky. I know this is at the end of the podcast, so like the sun, I have kind of buried this on page 54, but technically this is an apology, so you can't sue me, okay? Thank you.