Episode 342: Five Things Kids Need Right Now Emotionally

Parents, are you looking for a screen-free, engaging way to teach your kids the Bible? One that's easy to understand and enjoyable for multiple ages? Kids Bible Stories Podcast is here to help. I created this for my own children, and it's now a favorite among thousands of families. Kids love the vivid imagery, scriptures, and sound effects, while parents appreciate the apply section for meaningful conversations. We have hundreds and hundreds of beautiful episodes that bring the Bible to life when you simply press play. It's a sound and practical resource that walks alongside you as you teach your kids. We want kids to see how incredible God's Word is in an engaging and memorable way with Kids Bible Stories Podcast. Listen to Kids Bible Stories Podcast wherever you get your podcasts. Hey friends, welcome to the Raising Boys and Girls Podcast. I'm Sissy Goff, and I'm David Thomas, and we're so glad you've joined us for this conversation. Let's dive in. We are talking about what kids need emotionally right now. This conversation feels important. It feels really important, and in a different way than I think we've ever talked about, kids and emotions. We have chosen five words that we want to talk about that we haven't talked as much about on the Raising Boys and Girls Podcast. Are you ready for them? Here they are. Boredom, agency, discomfort, fortitude, and non-influenced parents. Okay, that last word is a little more than one word, but it's a word nonetheless. And we're going to explain what it is. Because the reason being so many kids are overwhelmed and so many parents are exhausted. Yes, and the data puts words to what we're seeing in our counseling offices in the CDC's latest National High School Survey around four in ten students reported persistent sadness or hopelessness. And y'all, I hate to even say this out loud, approximately two in ten seriously considered suicide. And those numbers, it's important that we note this, those numbers aren't just statistics. Those are kids. Those are families. Yes, and so we are going to talk about what we can do preventatively. We want this conversation to have so much hope and so many practical takeaways. And you all, let me say too, as we're talking about statistics, this series we're on now and the next series, we are, we are ready to take on the statistics. We're ready to change things. And so y'all, hang in there with us, keep listening, because as David said, these do feel like really important conversations. And so we're going to start with something that sounds random when we're talking about these important, heavy things that are going on in our world. And it feels a little counter cultural. So the first word is boredom. Boredom, kids need boredom. And let's just say, for all of our deficits, I think we have a PhD in boredom. Those of us who grew up in the 80s, when our parents sent us outside and said, come back when it's dark, like we had a lot of practice and opportunity in navigating boredom and being creative and resourceful. We certainly did. But that's not the case for kids growing up today. Exactly. And we want to say, before we get into this, when we say boredom, we don't mean chronic emptiness. We mean boredom that actually is healthy and actually productive for kids. The kind of boredom that says, my brain has room again. You all, we all need that. And boredom is often the doorway to creativity, problem solving, and self starting. We know that all so well as kids of the 80s. There's research suggesting moderate boredom can push people toward creative thinking. It nudges us to generate our own stimulation instead of needing it delivered. But here's the thing. Boredom has become an emergency to solve. And often our go to are screens. I can think about just having been to Disney recently, several times, thankfully. And how often standing in line, I mean, if we can't be bored at Disney World, we really can't be bored. And the amount of kids and grownups, you all, who were getting on screens and how good it was to see the kids who were climbing on the rails that they probably weren't supposed to climb and playing with all the different things they have in line that kids are learning creativity and all the things that you're talking about and experiencing boredom. And when every micro moment gets filled, and we're not allowing boredom to come for kids, kids lose practice at imagining, initiating, tolerating that sense of nothing's happening, and being in tune with themselves and what they need both emotionally and physically. And now we're going to take a little break to hear from one of our sponsors who makes this podcast possible. 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Come up with a list of 15 things that they can do when they say, mom, I'm bored or dad, I'm bored. Then you can say go check the list. And there's already things listed that they can do to self start to take initiative. Things like Legos, drawing, fort building, music, baking, outside, going outside, reading, organizing, making something. And so because what often happens is they say I'm bored and we throw out one suggestion and they say, I don't want to do that or that takes too long or that's too hard. But when we can say go find something on the list, we're also giving them agency. So good. All right. Third idea is to narrate it. Think about statements you could throw out when kids declare boredom, like boredom is your brain stretching or boredom is good for you or boredom is the jumping off point for good problem solving. Okay. Here's an important idea as we're talking about this and something we want you to remember, be careful not to over entertain just to avoid whining because you all the reality is in this day and time, whining is often the withdrawal symptom of constant stimulation. Say that again. Whining is often the withdrawal symptom of constant stimulation. So the takeaway is that boredom isn't dangerous. Kids just make it sound dramatic. That's the truth. Boredom sets up the next need. What's the next idea? Agency. Kids need agency, especially in this day and time, a sense that I can do hard things. I can choose. I can actually affect outcomes. We are talking to so many parents of kids who are trying desperately to control, control their environment, control their family, control the decisions, control where they're eating, what they're eating, all of the things and experiencing agency can reduce their need for control. Exactly. We could even say that agency is emotional oxygen. I love that language. When kids feel powerless, anxiety goes up. There's a whole body of motivation research called the self-determination theory that highlights three core psychological needs. Autonomy, competence and relatedness. When kids are experiencing those three things, we see better well-being and self-motivation. I love that because the truth is what we're hearing in our offices is a lot of kids right now feel acted upon by school demands, school pressures, algorithms, the pace of life. It would be helpful when we can intentionally handpower back an agency to kids even in little ways. All right. So let's do some practical takeaways with agency. Okay. You go first. First, I would say choices within boundaries where we're the ones still offering boundaries, but they have some choice within it, such as homework before screens. Do you want to snack before or after where they still have agency within the boundaries of we're seeing homework before screens? Second idea, ownership roles. One job that really matters. So taking care of their pet, trash, lunches, being in charge of the playlist at dinner time or the ride to school, bedtime routine. And notice we didn't say bedtime. There I got to set the bedtime, but they might get to have a lot of agency with the bedtime routine. Do you want to take a shower before dinner after? Do you want to read and then say prayers or flip that? And then y'all know we love problem solving language with kids. So that magic formula, we talk about a lot empathy and questions. That sounds really hard. And then what do you think is the next right thing to do? What do you want to do with that situation? What are two options? Do you want help or do you want to try first? And parents, we want you to hear this with so much grace. Agency grows when we stop rescuing too quickly and helping them escape and avoid hard things. Which takes us straight into our third word, discomfort. Kids need discomfort. What we would call tolerable discomfort. I love Dr. Susan David. I talk about her quote all the time that I love discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life. You all hang on to that. Those words are so incredibly true. And we would also add that discomfort is the training ground for emotional regulation. If we remove every hard feeling, kids don't learn I can handle this hard thing. I'm going to get through this. And what research says is most emotions last around 90 seconds. They can get through discomfort. But right now culturally, we treat discomfort like an emergency. Think of the modern kid's script. What so many kids are living out. This is awkward. Escape. This is hard. Quit. I'm anxious. Avoid. I'm bored. Scroll. Wow. This comfort tolerance is resilience in real life. And you know, it's so interesting. I was just at an amazing school in Texas that you and I love doing an in-service with their faculty. And I was talking with their athletic director about her observation that it has been harder than ever to get girls to commit to playing a sport. I believe it. And she had a lot of theories on the why about that. I bet you would as well. But she sure talked about anxiety and perfectionism in the midst. And within that, just the discomfort of a lot of things, you know, practices and performance and also even just the balance of school and sports. And it's like, I don't even want to deal with the discomfort, that balance whatsoever. So I'm just going to eliminate that all together and I'll only do school and focus just on my GPA and that you and I both know sports are not the end all be all, but it is an amazing context for kids to experience discomfort for them to develop so many important physical skills, emotional skills, relational skills. And so it's in keeping with what we see of a lot of bowing out and a lot of context with a lot of kids. So I knew you wouldn't be surprised to hear that. No. And I want us to think about the discomfort is even important in the tinier moments. And so we want you as a last practical takeaway in terms of discomfort to write down this list. And I want you to think about when can you give your kids opportunity to do any of the above that they wouldn't have had otherwise. Okay, you're ready? Waiting, losing, being corrected, trying again, not being invited, starting a conversation and sitting with disappointment. I want you to keep that even as a checklist you go through periodically of when have my kids done this recently and if they have it, then maybe I need to create opportunity for them to do at least one on that list. All right, let's do some practical takeaways here. You go first. Okay, number one, we always start with naming the feelings. So as they're starting to feel that, we're going to say that's disappointment or of course you feel nervous in this moment that we're offering empathy and putting words to the emotions they're feeling. Then we want to normalize it and as Sissy mentioned, offer some empathy. That makes sense to me. And then we want to help them move towards something constructive like David talks so beautifully about and raise emotionally strong voice to move forward in the midst of discomfort. What do you want to do about it? What's the next right thing those questions we talked about just a moment ago? Love that narrow it. Lastly, we would encourage you to think about what it looks like to stay present without fixing. Which means we've got to navigate our own discomfort in this moment. I'm here. I believe you can handle this. I see that's hard. You've got what it takes. Thinking about the language that allows us to stay present without the fixing. Because sometimes the most loving thing is not removing the hard thing, but not leaving them alone in it. So let's talk about what happens when kids do get repeated reps with discomfort. It builds the next idea we want to talk about and that our new friend Justin Gibbany talked about on the podcast, Fortitude. Oh, I love that word. I loved when he used that. Fortitude is the ability to keep going emotionally when something is hard, slow, uncomfortable or uncertain. And we are noticing lower frustration tolerance in a lot of kids, which we'll be talking about much more in this coming season of the podcast. And you all, what we need to remember is that Fortitude is built through experiences, not lectures or even encouragement. We were talking about that today with someone that, of course, we're going to say to kids, you can do this. You're capable of doing hard things and we want to encourage them, but they learn by experience. And also you all that kids are watching us. We talk so much about how kids learn more from observation than information. If we melt down at inconvenience, they'll assume inconvenience is catastrophic. And we're seeing much more of that happening with parents today, seeing it even in ourselves. So Fortitude is partly what we model. Y'all could even have a mantra, hard day still okay. We can go back to that over and over, hard day still okay. Which is why we keep coming back to lived experiences, practice plus support plus relationship. And now a quick break to hear from one of our incredible sponsors who make the podcast available. David, I have to tell you about our little friend Lucy. Her mom recently told me she's basically a health influencer. What's she promoting? She talks about her Haia vitamins constantly. Every morning she runs to her little yellow bottle, opens it up like it's Christmas and tells everyone she's doing her vitamins. That is amazing. 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Also the good thing of the week because we want to be practicing gratitude too, but the kid chooses what the hard thing of the week was. Trying out for a new sport, a presentation they had to give in front of their class, apologizing, a new food which is good for them to have to try, calling a friend. Second idea would be celebrate effort specifically. You stayed with it. You tried again. You hung in there when it got hard. And thirdly, we would say it is so good for kids when we can reframe setbacks. Now we want to give them empathy in the midst of it so they know we're with them. And then give it a little time and to say something like, what did you learn from that? How did you grow as a result of that? Because I've sure seen that you have, where we're giving encouragement alongside because all of that is promoting a growth mindset, which we certainly want to see in the kids we love. And the fourth takeaway would be practice delaying gratification. Save for some big ticket item, build something that takes a while, cook things that you have to wait a long time for it to be completed, finish a project. Fortitude is the emotional muscle that says, this is hard and I'm not done. And now the final need is actually about us. Non-influenced parents. We just made this up, you guys. Here we go. All right. So kids need parents who aren't constantly outsourcing their confidence. We really did make this word up because we are so concerned about how parents aren't trusting themselves in this day and time. And we're going to be talking about this a lot in the upcoming months. But I had a mom who told me that she in front of her daughter said, as her daughter was starting to spiral into a panic attack, Siri, what do I do about a panic attack? And you all in those moments, what that means is I'm outsourcing my parenting in front of my child and I'm not remembering that I've got the fortitude to handle this moment with them. We want you to trust your God-given intuition, your knowledge of your child and your values the most. Parents, you have got this. Parents are under enormous pressure right now. As you all know, the U.S. Surgeon General released an advisory on parental mental health and stress highlighting that in 2023, 33% of parents reported high stress compared to 20% of other adults. And you always say that because parents, what we want you to remember that's true about any of us is when we're stressed, we're not ourselves. That the people that we love are getting often the worst versions of ourselves. And you're parenting in those moments more out of fear than love. And then we end up micromanaging, we get angry, we do all those things that we talk about in the worry-free parent. You're not free to be you in those moments. And the influencers can accidentally amplify fear. If you're not doing this, you're failing. Stop following this, people. We're just gonna say it right now. Stop following them. It's not helpful, you guys. And they also say things like, you've only got X number of days, X number of hours. That can feel like so much pressure that leads to panic on our part. And emotionally, what kids need is steadiness. Okay, so let's talk about practical takeaways. And in fact, we tell parents one of the takeaways we would suggest the most in today's world is we want you to pick two to three parenting voices that you really trust and unfollow the rest, y'all, because it's just too much. And some questions that might can help you pick. Number one, does this voice increase peace or panic? Number two, does this advice fit my child's temperament and needs? Number three, does this align with our family values and season or end? And number four, I would say, do they feel like an encouragement to me? Because that is what you need. You need folks in your life who are cheering you on. And we are certainly two people cheering you on. We are honored to be some of the voices you trust. So let's go back through them one more time. What kids need emotionally right now? Boredom, agency, discomfort, fortitude, and non- influenced parents. The goal isn't perfect parenting. It's resilient kids who know they're not alone. May you have the courage to leave a little space, the wisdom to know when to offer agency, the steadiness to stay close in hard feelings, the patience to build real fortitude over time, and the confidence to trust that you are exactly the parent that God made you to be. David, what a team we have that we get to call friends who help make this podcast possible. Chris Sterrett, our engineer, our management team at KCH. And we are thrilled to be a part of the That Sounds Fun Network. Our music was created by the insanely talented Dave Haywood of Lady A. And if this podcast felt helpful to you, please consider subscribing, liking, sharing all the things. We are grateful for you and cheering you on always. To teach your kids the Bible, one that's easy to understand and enjoyable for multiple ages? Kids Bible Stories Podcast is here to help. I created this for my own children, and it's now a favorite among thousands of families. Kids love the vivid imagery, scriptures, and sound effects, while parents appreciate the apply section for meaningful conversations. We have hundreds and hundreds of beautiful episodes that bring the Bible to life when you simply press play. It's a sound and practical resource that walks alongside you as you teach your kids. We want kids to see how incredible God's word is in an engaging and memorable way with Kids Bible Stories Podcast. Listen to Kids Bible Stories Podcast wherever you get your podcasts.