EP 50: Overcoming Addiction Through Faith

Disclaimer. At Two Addicts in the Moron, we discuss personal stories of addiction with the intention of being educational, relatable, and inspirational. The views and experiences shared are those of individuals involved are not meant to glorify or condone any illegal or harmful behavior. This content is for educational purposes only and is not intended as professional advice. If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, we strongly encourage you seek help from a qualified professional or support service. We are back, officially back, so soon. Two Addicts in the Moron, not counting the... over 50 now, right Joe? What episode? This is episode 50. This is episode 50. Oh, shit. We got that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why won't it serve, though? I know, dude. We ain't put on your good shirt, man. You're a big cock, spinning five, boy. Big cock, spinning five. What the long sleeve on it? Yeah, baby. Big cock, spinning five, baby. Yeah, baby. Come out. All right, well, just like that. What an introduction there. Ladies and gentlemen, Steve is in the house. What is it? Look at my Steve. Steve. Steven. Steven? Yeah. Steve is my kid name when I was a boy. Okay. Yeah, Steven. My family used to call me Steve. I heard it at the meeting when I met you. Yeah. They were calling you Steven. Yeah, Steven. Okay. I'm sorry, man. No, you're good, man. All right. Well, welcome aboard. I'll put you on my 10 steps tonight. Yeah. Come on. You spell that name. Makes out to get it right. Well... Well, over in the middle, Joey the moron. Over here in the left, right, left. Mike, Steve boy, recovered attic meth, GHB. And then we'll get a little... And Steven, go ahead and introduce yourself again properly. I'm Steven Seahen. I am an alcoholic and I do other things too. Okay. Yeah. And the reason I say that, I spent years coming in and going out and going in and going out. And I never really could quite fit in of how I couldn't go into an AA meeting and say I was a drug addict because back when I first started, so 20 years ago, you know, when I first started trying to get sober, there were old timers in there. They were like, hey, we don't talk about that shit anymore, you know. And listen, not that kind of meeting and blah, blah, blah, you know. And so one of my sponsors back then had told me, he says, when in Rome, do as the Romans do, you know. And the thing was, I mean, you know, I did drugs were my thing. It wasn't alcohol wasn't my thing until I guess it was back in 07, 07 or 08. I, you know, I laid my crack pipe down and I went to the corner store and I picked up a six pack of tall boys, man. And I went home that night in my apartment. I had just a couch and a little video for four inch screen TV, you know. Yeah. And I still had the coffee. I had the coffee table on the couch. I had sold everything else out of my apartment. And anyways, so, you know, I drank a couple of beers, two, three beers. I don't remember exactly what it was, you know. And I woke up the next morning and I still had a couple beers left, you know. And oh, shit, I still got money in my pocket, dude. I was like, oh, hell, I still had over half a pack of cigarettes and I hadn't gone in the middle of the night to the East side, you know, to buy some fucking Bobo, you know. And, and sell my weed eater that I need for my job tomorrow at three o'clock in the morning so I could go home and claw the fucking sheets again. Yeah. I gotta watch my life. No, you don't know. You say whatever the fuck you want, man. Yeah. So, you know, that's when I was like, you know what, I think I can do this. Alcohol, shit. Yeah. Yeah. You know, and the thing was is every time I would go to an alcoholic's anonymous meeting, I was always thinking to myself, you know, like these, these aren't really my people, man, you know, like how, how, how can you really burn your life to the ground with alcohol, man, you know, tasting the same thing. I just like, you know, I just don't get it, you know. I mean, I know what the, the physical ramifications of getting high and being up and all that kind of stuff. I, I don't know anything about heroin. I tried it once or twice. It wasn't my gig, you know, I like to be up. I don't want to miss nothing, you know. Yeah. Yeah. All that, you know, and my buddy had took me to the grocery store that went that one time I tried to sort a little bit of it and we go to grocery store and I was, I was at the candy deal and I thought, oh, like lean and all like that. And I couldn't stop myself, you know. And I was like, I feel like an idiot, you know. And now I see those videos of people like in downtown Philadelphia or whatever, whatever, you know, just fucking lean out. And I was like, that's what I looked like that night. I was like, oh no, thank you. I'm good on that. But, you know, for the next two, I don't know, two and a half years, you know, I, all I did was drink, you know, and I just drank beer most of the time every once in a while, you know, there would be some harder liquor involved, you know, but I drank beer and smoked weed. And, you know, I kind of, I kind of had adopted this mentality of, you know, I'm from old school. So, you know, when we hang out party, you know, we drink beer, we smoke weed, we play dominoes, we talk shit, you know, we leave the front door to the apartment open, you know what I'm saying, you know. And, but the thing is, is that people would come and go and whatever, but I had adopted the mentality or the, you know, that if you talk about anything other than beer or pot in here, you got to go, you got to go, you just got to go. Really? Yeah. And I was pretty adamant about that, you know. And all that change, I was living at an apartment up there off of, just off of Far West and a little, little, little bitty apartment complex right there. And they didn't, they didn't do no background checks is how I was able to get in there. Anyway, so right behind the apartment complex is, you know, regular houses and shit, right? And so I was always out, I lived in a very back corner apartment up in the back corner, right? And I'd be out there, you know, and, and I'd be on the phone and stuff. And I didn't, you know, I, I don't realize how loud my voice is and, you know, my conversations go, you know. Yeah. And so anyways, we're sitting there one night, playing dominoes, being a regular crew, you know, chopping it up, talking shit, you know, and, and all of a sudden this guy shows up in my front door and I like, can I help you homie? You know, he says, you seem like the mind that knows who knows how to get things. Oh man. And I was like, excuse me, and he repeated it in that scene and it was a real accent. He was really from Ireland. Yeah. And he goes, you seem to me like the mind that knows how to get things in it. And he says, I'm looking for some oxycodones. And I was just like, I, I jumped up, flipped up, met him at the door. I said, first of all, I'll ever talk about hard drugs in my apartment too. Number two, I don't know you fucking homie. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? I don't know you. You know what I'm saying? And I got enough felonies that I'll just take you outside right now, just for mentioning that at my door. Right. You know, but then that was the start of a relationship where I was the middle man to find him pills and then he would give me full bottles of whiskey and all that kind of shit. And then I started, I'd pop a couple of pills here and there. And yeah. And then there you go. All over from there. Off to the races. No song from I don't know, Fix or the, yeah. Yeah. One thing leads to another. Yeah. Yeah. So what was your alcohol you touched on it, but what was the DOC for you? What you got? Yeah. As long as you paying for it. I mean, honestly, you know, because see the thing is, is like, you know, you know, growing up, I didn't, I never had a dad. You know what I'm saying? Dad was never part of the picture. I never had a dad growing up. You know, my mom was a drug addict. She was a biker's chick. She took off when I was seven and sent me and my aunt and uncles. I lived with them. They couldn't handle me. I get kicked out of two elementary schools. They sent me to boys school. I was there for five and a half years, got out, went to jail, went to prison, got, you know, got out, went right back, you know, so from the time I was 10 to the time I was 25, I spent 13 and a half years in different institutions, group homes, jail, boys schools, all that shit. You know, it's pretty institutionalized, right? And, you know, so in all of that, you know, confinement, I guess you would, you know, I learned how to hustle. I'm a hustle. I'm the middleman of all middleman. You know, I'll get you what you need. And it kind of works now. I'm a handyman. Yeah. I'll fix what you did. Call me what you got. I'll get it. We'll get it done. We'll get it fixed, you know, and it was always, I never had anybody put money on my books, you know, I mean, rarely, you know, like my brother, I had my brother, he got me a subscription to Galler at three years subscription to Galler magazine so I could then turn it and sell it for cigarettes and coffee and shit and then I would flip the coffee two for one, three for one kind of shit, you know. So I was always hustle mentality, you know. So when I say what you got, you know what I'm saying? You buying it. I'm flying on what you buy. You know what I'm saying? Because I'm going to get my, I'm not going to touch it. You know what I'm saying? I'm going to let you break me proper. You know, it was the way that I ran it, you know, the way I did it. And I didn't have to pay for a lot of drugs. I mean, I did buy a lot of drugs when I smoked crack by myself and it was just me, you know. I didn't do, I didn't do a lot of robbing and stealing for my drugs and alcohol. I didn't do that. You know, my robbing and stealing and all that shit was before my addiction really took off, you know. And my addiction didn't really start to show itself until, you know, I was 30, you know. I mean, I've been out of prison for five years and, you know, it was about to get off. And, you know, I went, you know, my ex-wife, she was my angel in an envelope, if you will. Yeah. You know, I was in, you know, in my eight by five cell hating the world, knocking the brothers on their back, because, you know, that's just, I didn't have nothing. I didn't have nobody. I couldn't get out, you know, even though I had shortwave discharge, my time, you know, I didn't have a verifiable address to parol to. So I'm just sitting there buying time. And I got a letter from this chick that I had never laid eyes on didn't know who she was. Told me she heard about my plight and my situation and that she had an apartment and college station and she was willing to help me out if I needed a place for a couple of months to get on my feet and blah, blah, blah. And there you go. That's how first time I laid eyes on my ex-wife was between, you know, maximum security visitation, you know what I'm saying, the glass and whatnot, you know, preacher's daughter, third generation raised up on the church pew. I'm third generation. He then seems to be the same as himself, you know. Yeah, so, yeah, that's how that whole thing went. So she was a pen pal for some shit? She what? She was a pen pal? So what she turned out to be, so I had two other dudes that out, you know, when we were all in carcery, we call ourselves the three amigos, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. And, you know, we were clicked up, you know, and the thing is, they both got out before me. And the deal was like, help a brother out. You don't have to find an address and shit, right? So one of the dudes, he actually, he came up to visit me. Well, the girl that he was dating at the time was best friends with who later became my wife. So they all three got in the truck and drove up there and dropped him off to visit. And then they went to Huntsville, went shopping or whatever it was they did. And then on the way back to Houston from Midway, you know, they, she asked him, she said, tell me about your friend. You know, he's like, oh, yeah, he's good dude. You know, he works hard. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And, you know, he told her just done and then I get the letter. No shit. You know, and but the thing that was weird was that we had started writing back and forth to each other. And there was like a three or four day like turnaround on the letters. And what was weird is like, so she sent these sent to the first letter and then I responded to it. And then I received hers back before I know she kind of got mine. And what was weird is that we were, we were already linked up like she was saying things that I had already said in my letter. And then she, you know, and vice versa. Yeah. And that was, I mean, I had already liked her because she sent me a picture, right? Yeah. But it was with her and three other friends when she was in France. Yeah. And like, I didn't know who she was and she didn't identify herself either. And I was like, look at the picture. Like, oh, okay. Yeah. I mean, they all kind of qualified. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like I'm giving my sense your way. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. Yeah. You know, and then so, so yeah. So then, you know, then she, I put her on my visitation and she came and saw me or whatever. And, you know, being a preacher's daughter and all that, I got back to the block in there. And she asked me where we were visiting. She's like, she's like, so, so, so tell me, you know, she goes on about her family and she's like, so tell me about your family. I said, oh, good Lord. Yeah. That's, that's fucking never any story right there. Yeah. That's like a drama right there. My family puts the funk in dysfunctional. Yeah. And, you know, I come from a long line of drug addicts and alcoholics and shit, you know, and, you know, just, just functionality. And the, so she's like, she's like, do you want a soda? I was like, I can't buy a soda. I said, if even if I wanted to, I could and I ain't got no money. I said, you have to buy the soda and you have to go over there and turn around and go around and give it to the guard. Man, she got up, she turned around, she walked away to the coconut scene. I saw that ass. Damn it, boy. I was in love. I went back to the block talking about that. I said, well, you looking at that picture, don't you? Boy, you gonna burn in here? I said, oh, welcome to fire. Welcome to fire. Oh, Lord have mercy. I'm gonna get a lot. Motorboat, that shit. For real. But, yeah. And anyway, so, you know, we got together the first night, you know, turns out the guy that, you know, basically I met her through. Yeah. Had actually stole her shit. The first night we went out, he was like trying to talk me out of, you know, that with her and he was trying to get me to go like, dude, I just got out of penitential, dude. I've been in it for five and a half years, bro. Yeah. I'm not trying to go do no bullshit with you. Later I find out. So that first night that we all three went out, hung out, he stole a checkbook and a credit card and shit, dude. And found that out. And then later on, a few months later, I started getting these, you know, things in the mail talking about, I had a warrant for my arrest and this and that and whatnot. And I was like, what the fuck? And so I started trying to figure it out. Turns out while I was in prison, he was getting arrested. And he was giving them my name and my birthday and shit and their fingerprint and that's the only, I had to spend like a month over about six weeks or so, you know, going to Dallas and Galveston and all. And the only reason it is I fell out of Galveston County twice. And because, you know, that was in the early 90s. Yeah. And so everything was paperbacked in. So that's how he was able to slide through the same county without getting noticed that it wasn't me or whatever. So when I went up there, you know, the sergeant who had been this or the, the, the, the, the, the CO was not the CEO, he was a captain now, you know, and he remembered me and he's like, oh, oh yeah. And they cleared it all up and gave me letters to drive around with and shit. Finally, I had to wind up. I had to do the job for the, for the DPS and finally I've not called the other, our other buddy, Scott. And I said, look, man, he says, yeah, man, I saw him. I said, you give me his name now, now I'm coming to your house. You know, and so he told me where he was and whatnot. And I had to send the cops over there to rest his ass so he stopped using my name and shit, you know. Yeah, dude. Yeah. So yeah. And matter of fact, that dude tried to send me a Facebook request the other day. Hell no. Spam blocked. Not hell, but hell no. How long were you, how long have you been sober, man? Uh, November 19th of 2013. So 11, little over 11 years. Man, congratulations. Congratulations. Good job. That was a big deal. Yeah. Yeah. I, you know, like I said, I, you know, I started the first time. Did you, how many times did you try to get sober? I mean, really, really tried, you know, I mean, Like when you went to, when you went away, were you sober in jail and prison? No. Uh, because I, because I've never been, but I've always heard that it's pretty easy to get shit in there. So the thing is, is because I didn't have money, money, you know, and I didn't have nobody visiting or putting money on my books, I was hustling for my shit. Right. So the cheaper alternative when I was incarcerated was that you would give your Blister packs of active fed, not suited fed active fed active fed. Okay. It's got 60 milligrams, not 30 milligrams like suited fed. Yeah. Right. You take 10 active feds and you take a handful of active feds and you drink about five shot, five cups of strong ass coffee or what we used to call a speed ball where you take a coke. And then after you get the coke heated up, you take about three shots of the instant coffee and put it in there. Dude, you're fucking sell a spotless at the end of the night. You're fucking George's white. Your pants are all creased up and shit. Dude, you're going to eight by five. This is just scrubbing. You know, and so yeah, I took, it got so bad. Like, you know, so to answer your question, I took lots of active feds. You know, I got to, um, there was one or two occasions where I, you know, took a puff or two. Off of a joint, you know, it wasn't mine. I didn't, you know, uh, but, uh, you know, when I got out, I found myself, this was back before they started putting all the shit behind the counter and all that kind of stuff. You had to go turn it in and, you know, anyways, I go into Walmart or I'd go into Walgreens and they would have a bottle with a hundred of men there. You know. And so shit, I was just, I would just shoplift it, you know, and put it in, put it in my pocket and walk out and go out to the truck and I'll pop me 20 active feds, you know, and I'm going, you know, I'm saying all day, you know, same kind of shit. And then, and then smoking copious amounts of marijuana, you know, and it wasn't, it wasn't good weed. It was Mexican dirt weed, pressed, pressed brick with fucking, with sweet, with sweet stems and shit. You know what I'm saying? Just a bush, squished together. I'm having to smoke. I'm having to smoke a half an ounce a day just to come down enough to, you know, to get five hours of sleep. I remember my buddies that used to roll those. They'd be smoking them and they pop. Yeah. The seeds. Oh yeah. Pop in there. Yeah. Yeah. The worst part of it is, is, is the skin, the whole off of, off of the seed, you know, that shit stinks so bad. Yeah. I don't know how we ever did that shit, dude. You know. Yeah. But, but how many, so how many times besides when you were in prayer, how many times did you really try to get sober? So the first time that I went to treatment, you know, I checked myself in the treatment, I had gotten off parole in 2000. I did four years and 10 months and I got off by the skin of my teeth. And that's kind of another little story. But I was the only, I was the only parolee that my parole officer was able to successfully graduate off of parole. Okay. You know, but a couple of months before that, I was fucking up and staying out and whatnot. And my mother-in-law, you know, God bless her soul, rest her soul. She's sweetest woman in the world, man. She went to my parole officer and said, he's on some shit and we don't know what to do. We don't know how to help him, this and that and whatnot. So I go in from a regular PO visit and say, how you doing? I'm good. And you know, coming up. She's like, yeah, I see like, are you getting, she goes, are you doing any, she goes, you been drinking? I said, not really. No, she's been, you've been doing any job? Yeah. Yeah. What are you doing? Cocaine. She goes, I know your mother-in-law was in here three days ago. She goes, and if your ass would have said anything else, I was sending your ass right fucking back. She goes, let me get something straight to you. She goes, I'm going to let you know you are the only one that I'm going to get to graduate. She goes, and you're not fucking it up for me. You're not fucking it up. She goes, you coming back in here, you're taking a test until you're off every week. You know what I'm saying? You're not messing this up for me. She goes, I'm getting my gold star. You know? And so anyways, I got off parole in June of 2000 and by October, I checked myself in, you know, to treatment. And I had a connection up in Dallas. You know, I was getting tanners for $40 off the break. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. And I probably spent $20 grand with them to get that, you know, connect. Yeah. And then it was, you know, it was, it was game on then, you know. It's always crazy to me how fast, like fucking, it goes from here to here real quick. Like at work sometimes, like, not so much now, but when I was first getting sober and I'd like call in sick or something, they'd be like, oh, he might be using again. And I would have to tell them like, y'all would know if I'm using again. Yeah. And I would be like, you've seen me sober now. And if I got high right now, I would be so high that I wouldn't come back in this motherfucker. I wouldn't call in. I wouldn't call in. I'm not calling in. I'm for you to have to, you're gonna have to look at Williamson County and fucking Travis County and see if I got arrested up in this motherfucker. Because I'm not showing up. APB. I'm going to have a crazy story at the end of the week because I'm not showing up today, tomorrow, Wednesday, Thursday. I'm going to show up Friday and tell you some crazy shit. Yeah. So, you know, that was a big to do that whole, you know, it was a progression of stuff, man. Finally, so I checked myself into treatment at the Cedars up in Dallas. And, you know, I had a lot of trauma when I was younger, you know, in my childhood. I was, you know, my first real trauma that I can distinctively remember. I was like six and my mom was at work and her motorcycle boyfriend, you know, Travis was supposed to be watching us for the day. I was upstairs and I was listening to Bad Bad Lea-Ward Brown, lay loud and shit and dancing in the living room and acting a fool like I normally do. That was me at six. And I wasn't disciplined. I wasn't a disciplined child, you know. And so, he came upstairs and he'd been down there working on his motorcycle. And so he had taken, he had in his hand, he had the cable off a motorcycle brake in his hand, the brake in the cable. And so he made me stand behind the front door on my tiptoes. And where my nose was, he put a dot, right? And so then he made me put my nose in the dot as punishment. And every time my nose came out of that dot, he whooped me with that cable off that motorcycle brake. Mercilessly for, it felt like forever, but it was probably more like 10 minutes, you know, five, 10, 20 minutes. I don't remember what it was. I know it was a good ass whooping. Yeah. And I didn't have any idea about who God was and what God was about and all of that stuff. But I did have a little Bible, you know. And after that whooping, I remember running into my bedroom and crawling under my bed. And I grabbed my little pocket knife, I had a little bitty pocket knife and I grabbed my Bible. And I remember crawling under there and stabbing the pages of the Bible. Because how could a God of love and care and compassion and all of those things let this happen to a six-year-old little boy, you know. And so then it was a year later, my mom abandoned me and my sister to my uncles. Never heard from them again still. I mean, we are 50, 48 years later still ain't got that long now, you know what I'm saying? Uh, you know, and so then I went to boys school. I was, I was, I got kicked out of two elementary schools. My aunt and uncle didn't know what to do with me. They sent me out to Cal Fowley boys ranch. I was there not 30 days and got raped, you know, got molested and raped and it shit happened until I could, you know, until I got old enough and big enough to fight them off and shit. And then after that, you know, that's why I didn't have no problem in prison, you know what I'm saying? Because I was young, pretty and white and still walked out with my butt hole tight. You know what I'm saying? Because I had a lot of rage. I had a lot of rage inside of me, dude. And the thing was, I didn't want to live, you know. So, you know, I got out of there. I went back, my aunt and uncle pulled me back out out of boys ranch after five and a half years and brought me back home. I was there six months. I ran away. CPS picked up custody of me. My uncle dropped custody. CPS picked up custody of me and they sent me to a group home out in West Texas out in Fort David. I was out there for a year, went to school year round and it was basically it was a halfway, how are halfway stop, you know, group home for young offenders in in TYC, you know, and they would send them there and then and then put them out into the deal. Right. And that wasn't me. I'd gotten kicked out of five different 30 day shelters and CPS didn't know what to do with me. So they sent me out there and say, you want to be knucklehead? We got a spot for you. And sent me out there. That's the first time I try to try to hang myself. I still got that scar around my neck, man. And I hung in the tree for about 10 minutes before they were able to get me cut down. And then it took them another five or 10 minutes to actually get the rope because it was so tight, you know, they were scared to cut my neck, you know. And I was in a coma for about a week. And the whole left side of my face was paralyzed for about six months, you know, like syrup dripping out of a tin and shit, you know, brother, it all came back, you know, but, you know, I didn't want to be here. You know, I didn't like my life. I didn't want to be here. So then got out of group home. CPS didn't know what to do with me. I got kicked out of group home. They didn't know what to do with me. So they brought me back to Galveston. They emancipated me. And at 17, they took me around the corner and said, there's this place called our daily bread. And they took me and said, if you get hungry, there's a spot over here. You can come every day. They open the doors and you can get something to eat. And then they took me and they dropped me off on the corner 23rd and Broadway in Galveston in front of the Salvation Army said, have a good life, kid. You know, I had no job experience. I didn't have nothing. I didn't have nothing. No job experience. Nobody wanted. All I had was a backpack full of clothes and that lasted 48 hours before I got robbed down there at 33rd and Cedar Terrace and shit, you know. So he robbed you of the nothing that you had. Yeah, I did the nothing that I did. I lost swatts, swats, and some fucking gummy bands and that. Left the brother in his fucking underwear and shit, you know, in the middle of Cedar Terrace and Galveston, you know. Yeah. And, you know, yeah. So, you know, I started robbing and stealing and breaking into cars and, you know, sell them, whatever I had to do to survive, you know, to get by, you know, and having endured the traumas that I did do. There was things that I did that I didn't, you know what I'm saying? That I'm not proud of, you know what I'm saying? Well, but, you know, that's what's that's where my drugs and alcohol story addiction for now. See, the thing is, is like to back all the way up. Everybody in my family drank, you know, when I was a kid. So before I was seven, when I went to go to visit my grandma, because I was a heathen child, right? So my aunt and uncle didn't want me coming when my mom was going to go drop my sister off with them. They, my mom would take me to my grandmother's house. My mom, my grandmother, she was mean as a rattlesnake, dude. And she was, she was a bigot from dirt poor Oklahoma. And she did not care. She did not hesitate, not one bit to tell you who you was and what she thought of you. And she drank vodka all day, you know? And when I went to her house, she would make me her special oj. You know? Yeah. And I've been running around in her living room with a cigarette in one hand and a screwdriver in the other hand, singing wasted days and wasted nights, you know? Ready to turn up as loud as you could on the stereo. And she just loved me. I just entertained her, you know? But then when my mom couldn't drop me off, I had to, you know, hang out with her and her biker, boyfriend and all that shit or whatever. And my job was to break up the weed so we could play Puff the Magic Dragon. And how old were you? You know? I was five, six. Fuck, you know? And, you know, so I already had a taste of drugs and I was like, they couldn't figure out what my problem was when I went to go live with my aunt and uncle. Because I ain't got no drink and I ain't got no smoke. Yeah. And I remember smoking weed for the first time as a 15-year-old when I got out of boys school. My brother gave me my first door and we were out there outside in the mall smoking a joint. And I remember smoking that joint with them. And all of a sudden I had this rush of childhood memories just flooded on me like, I don't know, like 10,000 memories in one moment, you know? And I was like, oh, I felt like this before. Wow. And, you know, like, you had done it when you were like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I knew the feeling and I was like, this is normal. This is where I need to be right here. Wow. So the whole time they were like, what the fuck's wrong with you? And that's what it was. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's the thing. That was like your medicine as a kid. And when I was a child, they didn't have Riddling and all that at a brawl and all that shit. You know, they would, come here, Stevie, you want to run around here like a fool? Come here, come here. You ready? Yeah. You know, we played Puff the Magic Dragon, dude. And next thing you know, I'm curled up in the corner with a teddy bear and shit, you know? I'm chilled out, you know? Yeah. And my grandmother loved it because she'd get me drunk and I'd be an entertainer. You know? It's funny when I looked at some of the videos that my uncle used to take of the family, you know? And every time, in every one of the videos that I'm in, the moment that I noticed the camera, I start acting like a fucking idiot. Yeah. And acting like a monkey and just, oh, the camera's on me, you know? Yeah. Oh, yeah. You were getting the attention. Oh, yeah. I didn't get. You weren't getting it. So when you got it, it was over time. That's why I always did negative shit. Yeah. Because positive attention didn't do nothing for me. Yeah. You know, when I did something good, they're like, oh, yeah, yeah. It's like, yeah, you're supposed to do that, Stevie, you know? Yeah. But I needed more than that, you know? Boy, but you know, guess what? If I try to burn the school down, oh, lord, good gracious. You know what I'm saying? I really get the attention. I get all kinds of, I get all that attention, man. Yeah. So when you went to rehab, the first time, did all that trauma come back to you? Is that when you? That's when I started to work on the trauma. The thing was, I was married for five years, had two kids. Nobody knew any of the shit that I just told you. Yeah. I was walking around with all of that stuff. All that just bottled up. And so when I was in detox at the Cedars in Dallas, and I was in the shower of all places, and I was one of those guys that, I used to talk to God. I mean, because when I was in boys' ranch, we had to go to school, to Bible. We had to go to church three times a week, Wednesday, twice on Sunday. And then on Tuesdays, Thursdays, after school, we had like a two-hour Bible study deal where I teach you about the Holies, the Holies, and the curtain, and the temple, and the bells, and all the whatnot, and all of that, right? So I accepted Christ at 11 at Bible camp, you know? And I thought my life was going to be all gravy and shit, you know what I'm saying? But I had a faith in God, and I believed in God, but he hadn't just really showed himself. So there were times in life that when I met my wife, you know, I realized that was a God thing, you know what I'm saying? And then I got in to get this letter. She's a Pentecostal preacher's daughter, you know what I'm saying? So I went from brothers hanging on the chandeliers in prison because they were rioting to people at church hanging off the chandeliers because they were full of the Holy Ghost, you know? And I was okay with that. You know, the theatrics of it all. I'm like, okay, okay, we're just a different groove. Okay, it's a different tune, you know? And I got into that, you know? But it was very much a double life, you know? And so I remember when I was in detox, I was the kind of guy that, you know, I came in this world naked naked all day. So when I used to get really, really jacked up, they used to, they were building the super collider outside of walks in the energy and that's where we lived. And what they did is they abandoned all that property, you know? At some point they decided they weren't going to do it there, right? So they had all these old farms that were out there. But so I used to take all my clothes, I drive out to the middle of these wheat fields where there was nobody for miles, you know? And I would strip all my clothes off butt naked in the middle of a full moon, you know what I'm saying? And walk out in the middle of this pasture and I would yell at God. Like, you know, life was fucked up and that and that and why this and why that and blah, blah, blah. You know, God in those moments gave me answers, you know? There was one time I was struck sober completely, you know what I'm saying? With the disrespect that I brought, you know, it was a supernatural thing. But so I'm standing in the shower in detox and I'm praying as I'm showering. I'm like, God, you know, all of these secrets, all this shit that I've never told anybody is like fucking leeches. And it's just sucking the life out of my soul. And I just, I can't, I can't fucking do this anymore, man, you know? And that's, you know, I use drugs and alcohol to anesthetize the pain of the past, you know what I'm saying? I tried suicide three times. You know, the third time I was in prison, you know what I'm saying? I hung myself off the four-row window and somehow the rope broke and I landed one of my legs caught in the window and it turned me upside down. I landed 25 feet up in the air and landed headfirst on the concrete and walked away. Trust me, they stopped messing with you when they talk about, I'ma took you off count, man, after the bail, after they rolled the doors. I said, I wish you would. You'd be doing me a favor, homie. I couldn't do it. You know what I mean? They start, they don't, they don't mess with you no more at all. Yeah. So I'm standing in the shower and I go, this is like, Leech is sucking a life out of my son. I don't know how to get past this, man. And he, he, you know, he tweaked my perception a moment. He says, Stephen, you're looking at it wrong. You know, he says, in the physical world, when we take people in the army or the Marines or whatever, you know, service, whatever service, branch of service they're in, and we send them out to battle, right? God willing, they make it back. You know what I'm saying? They are giving medals, medals of valor and courage and purple hearts, purple hearts, you know, and fermencheries and whatnot. So when you see those guys out on the parade grounds dressed to the night and standing at attention and they got all their medals on, you know, on their deal, you can walk down that line and you can look and you can see that guy that's got all his, that guy that's got all those medals and you can look and say, you don't even have to know his name. You can say, that's that son of a bitch. I want my fox hole when the shit goes down. Because I know he's seen it, you know. And he says, Stephen, it's the same thing in the spiritual realm. He says, I have brought you through all these things. You know, these are all battles that you have come through. So rather than hiding them, you have to speak of them. You know, you have to display your spiritual medals, you know, to the world so they can know that you've seen the battle. And then what you do in that moment, because see the thing that happens is that we have these secrets and the stuff that eats at us, right. And, you know, we have the seven deadly sins. We got pride, anger, gluttony, greed, lust, envy, slothfulness, right. Well, the byproducts of the seven deadly sins are same remorse, self-loathing, worry, fear, doubt, you know, all of those things are byproducts of the seven deadly sins, right. And that's what the, what I call the enemy of life, the devil, whatever you, however you want to put it or word it. That's what the enemy of life uses to hold us down. Those are the arrows that he shoots at us, you know, as I'm walking through my day. And so what happens is when I, the moment that I say, you know what, yeah, I did, I got raped at 10. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I did some shit when I was 17 living on the streets and shit that I'm not proud of. You know what I'm saying? I did it, you know, once I can own that and show that I've come through that, what I've done is I've flipped the script on the devil and I've emptied his quiver of arrows. He ain't got shit to shoot at me. You know what I'm saying? I don't have to work or worry about my pride, you know what I'm saying? Because I got no pride. I'm just like anybody else. I'm a spoken to fucking will. I've done the same shit you've done, done the same shit you've done. You've all done the same shit. You know, just because we send differently don't mean that we ain't sinners. Yeah, you know, well, I think to your point too, that's super powerful. But you just like you would want that guy in your foxhole. Now they want you in their foxhole with them. You know what I mean? The kind of because again, I've done, you've done the same shit. Right. You've done the same shit. There's a lot of people who have done the same shit as you and you can walk them through how to fucking. And the way that this is, this is, this is how. And it talks about it in the book book about how, you know, an alcohol can win the entire confidence of another alcoholic in a short time, you know, in just a few hours, you know, and that's, that's the whole print. Like, I didn't know any, when God tweaked my perception, I didn't know nothing about alcoholics. Now I used to go to N.A. to get my little paper sign for parole, you know, and I learned a little chance, you know what I'm saying? And all their little things or whatever they say during the meetings and the readings and all that shit. But I wasn't there for, I wasn't there to get better. You know what I'm saying? But in that moment, I was so thankful for that because it was God showing me, let's work on it. So I then went from, so I went from detox, I went to summer sky out in Stephenville and this, you know, great lady named Sparky. Now she wasn't one of us, but she was a great fucking counselor. And she's the one that I needed to deal with my stuff because I had a whole lot to unload, you know, or as I used to say, you know, I got more issues than National Geographic. You know what I'm saying? You know, trust that, you know. And I had a guy years ago tell me, he says, well, Stephen, he says, that may be true. He says, but let's look at the word, you know, issues. Issue. That's the problem. You know what I'm saying? You got issues. Issue. You know what I'm saying? So anyway, Sparky was her nickname. That's good shit. And she, you know, she helped. So I went from there to another place out in Argyle after my 30 days for more treatment to deal with some of the sexual trauma in the bullshed and whatnot and do the EMDR. And so that was, it was very cutting edge back then. But, and I did that. Did I stay sober? I got the wife back. I got the kids back. I got it. You know, we moved to California. You know, did I stay sober? I tried. I went to a couple of meetings, not really working a program. Oh, no, absolutely not. Yeah. Well, the thing was, is when I was 17 and the CPS dropped me off and said, have a good life kid. I made a decision that day that from that day forward, there ain't no grown people trying to tell me. You know, you tell me shit. I'm an adult, you know. So when I came in and started trying to do programs, they told me, get a boss and do what you're told and suggestions and then fuck you. You know what I'm saying? Fuck, if I'm a grown ass man. Yeah. My sponsor always tells me, if you got to say you're a grown ass man, you're not a grown ass man. That's, you know. There's a lot of truth to that. Yeah. I mean, when you think about it. Yeah. My sponsor's got like 46 years, dude. And he's fucking Zen master, dude. Like he comes up with the best one liners and shit. You're a strong fucking second to that. Like I've been in a room with you at time or two, man. Well, thank you, man. And I think so one thing stands out the first time. So I went to go support Mike in a room. You were there and you made me laugh so hard under my breath. Like I wanted to laugh out loud so bad, but it was the point where they were like, if you're a spot, if you're a sponsor and can sponsor people, raise your hand. You just out loud go shop till you drop. And dude, I just walk and put my head down. And I just went, it's true because there's so many people that come in and they're new and they're like, hey, will you sponsor me? You know, and then that person tells them to do something like, oh, hey, will you sponsor my sponsor not working out? So that's why I say that. Shop till you drop, man. You know what I'm saying? You want to come in here and you want to shop around. You're going to drop out. Yeah. You drop out. I don't have to. Here's the thing. You know, I don't have to. I never thought about it like that. I don't have to sell Alcoholics Anonymous or CA or NA. I don't have to sell it. You know, that ass whooping out there in the jungle, that sells it right there. Yeah. You know, that sells it sell. You know, and they see there's a spot in the book. It says, it says, I call it the promises that ain't the promises, you know, and one of the things that. Oh, no, I don't need it. Oh, yeah. It says, it says that over a period of time, it gets worse, never better. You know, so anytime people go out there and they come back, I said, they get any better? I guess the book was right. Right. And so I tell people all the time, I said, now, now you may come in here, brother, with a monkey on your back. But you're fucking around to stay here for a minute and go back out there. You're going to find a gorilla. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Because it gets worse, never better. Yeah. You're going to find a new breed. Yeah. You know, you'll find a new low. You know, at least that's my experience. See, one of the things was, is so I came in 2000, the first time. And my sobriety dates 2013. Right. You know, I went to, I went to treatment six different times. I went to Austin Recovery, like, I don't know, two or three times. I went to a place called the big book boot camp out in Deer Park called the wheelhouse. You know, oh, Lord have mercy. They take only the lowest of the low. If you still got to watch on and you come to sit in and try to get in over there, you're not done. Go. You still got new tennis shoes on? You're not done. You got another crack rock on your feet, dog. Yeah. Oh, I'm telling you, they only take the bottom of the bottom and you eat beans and rice every day. Oh, you know, they call it riding the wood when you get in trouble. Everybody has to sit there and you got to read the big book all the way through paragraph by paragraph going around the room or anything. And then when you get to the end, they make you read it backwards, you know, the next pair. Oh, oh, that is, it's rough. Bro, they call it big book boot camp because anytime you're out and about on the property, you better have your big book opening. You better not get caught with it in the stories. It's in the first 164 pages. You better have that book open with your finger at least in one of the pages. You know, yeah, they don't mess around at the wheelhouse, man. Damn. Yeah. And so then I went back to summer sky, you know, and so my deal was, is I was coming to AA or NA or whatever. Yeah. You know, I did CA for a while, but I would come in and I would hear people badmouth in Jesus and God and whatnot. You know what I'm saying? And I couldn't get on board with that shit. Right. Yeah. So I had two different experiences with God and this, this, this is how I know the God that I learned about and all the things that I prayed and I received and all this kind of stuff. My wife and I, we had moved. I was cheating on my wife. She grabbed the kids and she moved to her and outside of college station. She says, if you want us in your life, you bring your ass on, you know, so I left the dope and I left the car. I left the dope and I left, you know, the, the mist, mist stress. I left the mist stress, you know, and I drove down there and anyways, you know, I'm there and, you know, my wife called me one day and she goes, Hey, I just talked to my mom and she told me that brother so and so has got a church over here. She goes, you want to go to a Wednesday night service? I'm like, shit, I got to go, baby. Yeah. And so I go to this church, never been to this church. I don't know anybody, right? It's in college station and we go in, you know, and shake hands with the ushers and go in and get the little thing, you know, and, you know, they're singing and clapping and raising their hands and worshiping, you know, get into all that, you know. And then a pastor, he's like, he's like, okay, and he dismissed the musicians from the platform. It's like this is a part of service where you got something you need to pray about. Come on down to the front, you know, saying we'll get one of our spiritual, one of our prayer warriors to pray witching and whatnot. And so I already knew what time it was. Like as soon as he dismissed, I said, ah, I already stepped out there. I'm flying down to the front, you know, and I get down to the very front and I'm, I'm, I bow my head, close my eyes and I cross my arms just like this. I'm standing down here at the altar and I'm silently petitioning God. And I'm like, you know, you know, God, I just found out that the guy on my birthday could mean a baby, my dad and one of my family lying to me about it. Was there money and is there distrust? And oh yeah, by the way, I got a cocaine addiction and oh yeah, my marriage is on the rocks and I can't find a job and la la la la la la la. You know, and it's all mental, you know what I'm saying? I'm silently petitioning God. Nobody knows what's going on, but me. And I'm standing there and as I have my head down my eyes, close my arms, cross, I had this thought that just came out of nowhere that I had a shield in this hand and a sword in this hand. Right. And I can feel the sword and I can feel the shield. Like, and I was like, I do your fucking nuts, bro. You know, like, you know, like, you know, you need help, bro. Like you're certifiable, man, because here you are in church and you're praying and now all of a sudden you think you're fucking coming in the barbarian. You need help, bro. And so I took this thought and I, you know, like took it and dismissed it as complete lunacy, right? Right. And tried to get back to my prayer. And within about 30 seconds of me dismissing this thought. This guy leans into my shoulder right here and kind of kind of says real soft in my ear. He says, Stephen, God just told me to tell you put a sword in your hand and do that. That moment right there. I went numb completely from head to toe because not only does it, I've never been here. Nobody knows your name. This guy knows my name. Not only does he know my name, he just told me the thought that I just had. I never met a mind reader. I know people that can read behavior real well and shit, you know what I'm saying? But never a mind reader, right? You know? And number three, the thing that I think is crazy, God said, I put that there. Right. Right. And so I had this belief up to this point in my life that God could see what I did. But he didn't know I was thinking. And in that moment, I realized that God knows my every thought. And when as soon as that thought hit me, then I realized how many times I had murdered and tortured the people that had done wrong to me in my life. My abusers and my abandoners and all of this shit. I used to, in my mind, I would, you know, put them on fire and put them out and pull their fingernails out with all the stuff you see on TV, I had done that to all of them. And in that moment, I was convicted about all those thoughts that God had seen, you know, and I immediately just fell down and just started, you know, asking for forgiveness. You know what I'm saying? For my evil heart, right? You know, more than anything, you know? But in that moment, I realized that the creator of the universe, God, as I don't really understand, I understand it, but I don't understand him, you know, had made himself real to me. To me. Right. That I am individually known by him. He knows my name. He created me here. He knows all of my wants, desires, needs, heartaches, all of that. He knows everything, everything, everything that runs through my mind. So now when I have a thought, you know, and I'd, oh, oh, forgive me for that one, Lord. People say pray constantly. You know, the Bible said pray constantly. I pray constantly all day. I'm like, forgive me, Lord. Forgive me, Lord. Forgive me, Lord. You know what I'm saying? So, yeah, it's for real. So, no, so then, so fast forward. This was in, this was in 99, I think it was. And so fast forward back in, it was January 19th of 2004. And I remember the date specifically because of the simple fact that I was getting divorced the next day, right? On January 20th. And I'd been trying for six months, you know, I went to treatment, you know, back to summer sky. And, you know, I had a nervous breakdown when we moved to Austin, stripped off all my clothes, walked butt naked down the street preaching the word of God. And yeah, Travis County and Williamson County really don't like it. Yeah, they're not a fan. You know what I'm saying? I was right there on the line at Anderson Meal. And so they all showed up. Yeah. County, APD, but where's County? Fuck it, you take them. Fuck it, you take them. Anyways, so I went back to summer sky to try to just kind of get a mental, you know, and so the day that I got out of treatment, I came back. And I went to my wife's new apartment where she had my kids and to pick up my vehicle. And in the day I got there, you know, I went to give her a kiss and she kind of gave me the cheek and I was like, okay. And then she's like, she's like, I want a divorce, you know, and oh, by the way, I have a boyfriend. I'm like, bitch, I've only gone 30 days. You know, didn't you give me road head on the way to treatment? Like, I mean, like what happened? It's only been 26 days or something. You know, anyway, so I went to, I went to Williamson. I went to, I went to Willoway Oxford house, you know, and I met this guy when we moved whatever it's got named Hamilton, good friend of mine. He's passed since, but he wasn't one of us, but he was a very godly man and he was of God and he was of his community. Did he drink and smoke weed? Yeah, he's great, you know, but he showed me that there are good people that do those things. Right. But they can, they can do those things. I can't do those things, you know, but he was a very great man, like horticold kind of guy, you know, drug me up out of the gutter half a dozen times. You know what I'm saying? When I burned it to the ground with crack and speed, whatever, whatever, you know. Anyways, so, uh, I, uh, I go to the sober house and so I start going to the church, you know, where he goes to church and I start singing in a church choir and I didn't like a because they kept bashing God and Jesus and all that. And I didn't like, I'm going to, it's gotten better now, right? It's a little bit more tolerant. I know. Uh, it's kind of like, I don't know, the best analogy I can say on it, you know, it's like, you know how you don't, you don't just go out in public these days and call somebody, hey, you know, you don't do that. Right. And it's kind of like, they don't do the same thing. They're like, fucking Jesus lovers, you know, it's kind of the same equivalency. But the best analogy I can put on it is crudely and crass as it may be. Yeah. You know, uh, but the thing was, I just couldn't buy. I always did the church thing. I would sober up and go to treatment or go to jail and come out and get into a sober house and whatnot. You know, and, and, and the way that it always looked for me was, you know, I would, I just sober and because I, because I'm a hard worker, I, once I get a job, it's, I'm in. I'm in like Flynn. I make good money. I work as many hours as they'll throw at me or whatever, you know. So I've got the company truck, I'm living in a sober house. I'm going to church, you know what I'm saying? I'm singing in the choir, promised land or over at the UMC, you know, you know, the rest of the church, you know what I'm doing, all these things. And I'm Friday afternoon watching the National Geographic, you know, watching the lines, getting at the gazelles and shit. And all of a sudden here comes this dog. Oh, shit. I saw like a little bit of cracking couple of Scaliwag holes right about now. You know what I'm saying? And next thing you know, I'm in the company truck driving down the airport, done stopped by the fucking convenience store, got the brown bag special, you know, so all I got to do is roll through the spot and I'm, I'm, I'm on, you know, got a poo-poo's and shit. And the thing is, in that moment I'm driving, the better part, the angel on my, this one, and there's devil on it, you know, this one says, that's probably not a good idea, Stephen. But my body, my body's already there. I've already gone through this ritual. I know what's coming. I know what's coming. So my body's already letting endorphins and, you know, dopamine and all that shit, set tones as all. They all kicking and ready to go. They, they're ready for that lid, they're ready for that fucking lid peel. And you know, they ready for that. And I can't do it. I don't have a choice at that point. I don't have a choice. And next thing you know, there I am, you know, one more game, you know, one more game right back up under the bridge, you know what I'm saying? And one of the things I found is that every time that I would relapse, it would take me half as long to burn it down. For like the first time it would take me six months to burn it down. So then the next time it would only take me three months to burn it down. And then the next time it would only take me six weeks. Yeah. And then the next time, three weeks. Yeah. And then the next time it was a week, and then three days. You know what I'm saying? And so, but the thing is that each time that I would try to work it, it would take me twice as long to get it back. To get it back. Yeah. You know, it took me three months the first time and it took me six months and then it took me a year and then it took me a year and a half. You know, good God, you know, twice as fast and twice as long as, good Lord, that's not very good odds, bro. So how'd you get it to stick? So, so what finally happened, man, so I went to treatment in 2011. I got out, I was, I was moved into Mike Peck. Let me get in his house basically on a handshake and whatnot, because I didn't have no money to, you know, and I had no deposits and all that. So Mike says, get a job and you can pay me, you catch up, whatever, whatever. And I've known Mike for years. Good friend. There was one time I showed up to Mike's house to do some work, you know what I'm saying? Right before I went to the treatment. And he can't, you know, he knew I'd been up. He could smell the alcohol on me. Plus he knew I'd been up and I was about to climb on a ladder and clean out his gutters and all this shit or whatever. And I was back at the house, hey, come here for a minute. He walks me out through his house and walks out to the front door. He walks out the front door and I follow him and then he turns around, he walks back in and he reached in his pocket and he pulled out $50 and he says, go finish the fucking job. You're not done. You know, wow. I needed that. I needed that that day. You know, I thank God that he gave me that $50 to go buy more crack and alcohol. You know, I had another guy do that to me one night. He showed up, put gas in my truck, handed me fucking 40 bucks, just go finish. You ain't done. You're not done yet. You know, you're not done till you're done. And so, in 2011, so I go to treatment, I get out. Mike makes me the manager of a sober house eventually. I'm there for, I don't know, five or six months or whatever. I get out in November, right before Thanksgiving. My girlfriend that I had been seeing, she showed up at treatment with a crack head to take me home. And Mike said, he's a good chill ass in my car. You're not leaving with them. You're coming with me. You know, thank God he saved me that day, you know. And anyway, so I, thus, you know, I was there and then one weekend, I was at work with the guys that I used to work with before. I'm doing the demo work, you know, working for a contractor architect out of Westlake named Dana Copp. And anyways, and I was one of the demo guys, you know what I'm saying? I was always there and first thing, tear this out, do that. And I worked hard. Dana knew I drank, he knew I fucked around, but he, you know, the work spoke for itself. You kind of kept the lid on it. You know, the work spoke for itself. And so anyway, the guys that I worked with, the other crews and what I, they're like, man, I heard you quit, man. You quit. Oh, you ain't like one fucking beer. You're like one fucking beer with me, dog. You know, one fucking beer. And so I listened to this shit whole fucking day till finally I care. Okay, fucking fuck. Okay, one fucking beer. There we go. All to the races. All to the races, you know what I'm saying? That beer, and then I got some more beer and by the weekend, I had a sack of weed. You know what I'm saying? And so I just went and turned in my shit to not be the fucking manager of the sober house, you know, like I'm getting my shit and go. That's kind of the rules. I know the drill. Yeah. So then that started another, you know, progression of 18 months living out of my car and this and that and in the long park and, you know, all of it, you know, in 2013, I twice checked myself into the psych ward telling them I'm going to kill myself to try to get off the alcohol because I was just drinking, you know, I'm drinking half a gallon and I'm drinking good chunk of that. Yeah. Okay, just, you know, got to keep it in me. And I just I'd go in there just to try to get to the point where it's manageable to where I wasn't shaking and you know, and each time I got out went right back grabbing a drink. So one of the things that I told myself I quit crossing the phelonious line years ago, you know what I'm saying? I'll told that son of a bitch, you know what I'm saying? But I know what'll get me and what won't get me, you know. And anyways, I told myself I wasn't going to cross the phelonious. So I found myself crossing phelonious lines again, you know what I'm saying? You know, and anyways, one of the last I got a hold of some cards and went and bought a bunch of alcohol and cigarettes and all kinds of shit and whatnot. And I'm drunk, ride my bike down there by Barton Springs, you know, I lost my car, which was my house, you know, and I'm drunk as fuck, you know, and a fucking car pulling the fucking hits me on the fucking bike. And I throw the fucking bike at the car and like, what the fuck, bro, you know, so I pulled in there and fucking Barton Springs and went in. Next thing you know, there's the law, you know, and what's your name? And next thing you turn around, put your hand behind you. I don't do that. I got hit by a fucking car. Man, why are you arresting me? He said you have warmth for your arrest. I'm like, warmth for what? It says here's a stolen unauthorized, usual motor vehicle. And so I had got a DWI earlier in the year from driving that girl's car, you know, she was going to take me to car. My car was in a towway zone. I needed to go. I took her car, went, moved my car and drove back in a blackout, not knowing wrecked her car, went to jail for DWI, got out two days later on a PR bond, which has never happened for me, you know, on a Sunday morning. They don't sell alcohol till noon, you know, 10 o'clock I get out. I'm 7-11, put a bottle of wine. I hate wine, dude. I just put a bottle of wine in my fucking pants, dude. And I guess it was a month, 30 weeks or a month, you know, out in the elements under the bridge, flying the sign, you know, I'm here because I'm not all there. I got two backpacks full of dirty fucking clothes. Because I'm not all there. You know. That's a great fucking sign, dude. That's a great fucking sign. And on the back of it, on the back of it, like, the people would look at it and they kind of, they kind of, they'd be all seriously sitting in the car, you know, because we are the invisible people. The homeless people were invisible. If you don't make eye contact, we don't exist. You don't have to engage with us if you don't make eye contact, you know, so being the invisible person that I am, you know, I'm here because I'm not all there. And they try to, they look and I see their eyes are, and then I would flip it over and on the back of it, say, it's funny, you can laugh. Yeah. And that's when they would reach in. Yeah, you got me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, or sometimes I throw fucking rainbow crown wig on just something to get their attention. Hey. Yeah. You know. Yeah. So, you know, basically, you know, I'm living in and around, you know, the area 2222 Mopac right there, right around Northland. And, you know, and there was a few days sleeping out in the elements where the do where the fall in the morning do comes in and it settles on you. And it's fucking cold and you're wet, you're soaked to the bone, you know, and that morning I've, you know, I had a couple of beers and I don't know, I have a pint of whiskey in my bag, you know, and I knew I could get a hot cup of coffee at Northland. I'd like fuck it. Then I took a couple of cat pulls of the whiskey man to try to knock the fucking so I wouldn't get the willies and shit and go fucking get me a couple of couple of cups of coffee. Listen to a meeting there. I used to be one of some bitches homeless. I would go into a meeting. I tell you my sad ass story about my childhood. I'd fucking wreck you out of $20 do for show every time. Yeah. You know, you know, and I used that as emotional currency. You know what I'm saying? I would use it. You would feel sorry for me and I would, I would get something from you, you know, and, and yeah. And so I was that guy at the AA meetings, you know, how many of us are planning on living in a parking lot? I don't know. I'm living in a parking lot. That was me. I did that. That was me. I wasn't panhandling, panhandling, but I'd give you something like you felt like you got your money. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I entertain you some kind of way, you know. Yeah. And so I went up there and, you know, come in, get five months, get six months, whatever, whatever, you know, and, you know, go back out. You know, it's kind of my MO. You know, I do the church thing or whatever. I never really would come all the way in, sit all the way down and all that, you know, take the cotton out of your hand, put it in your mouth, boy, and all that bullshit. Like, fuck you. My baby body, I got four to three years old. Oh, that's amazing. Like, I'm sorry, you're not selling me that shit. Yeah. You're not selling that to me, bro. And so, uh, yeah, I walked in that morning. I walked in that morning, I got me a cup of coffee and I sat down at one of the table and this old timer came over and he sat down and he said, Hey, how you doing? I'm okay, man. And he asked my name or whatever. And, you know, then my hair was super crazy and just all froed out and crazy looking and shit. And they said, I said, I said, man, I've been doing this thing. I've been around long enough to know, man, I need a temporary sponsor. I said, well, you temporary sponsored me till I get, you know, he says, yeah, sure. He said, let's talk after the meeting. So we're going to meet after the meeting, we're sitting out there, tables out in the back. And he says, man, what if I told you never have to drink again? I said, man, I'd be great. He said, what if I never told you what if I told you never have to drink again if you want to? I don't know about all that. Sounds like some far-fetched shit right there. You know, put some weeby GBM or something. Because I know what it's like to use when I don't want to. Now you're going to tell me I'm going to stay sober when I don't want to? I ain't buying that one. That hog ain't selling today. You know, that's what I thought. You know, and he's like, well, what? He's like, so, you know, we started talking about, you know, God and this and that. And he's like, he's a man. It sounds to me like, you know, that Bible better than my pastor. And I said, yeah, man, yeah, you know. And he said, but how's that keeping you sober? It's not, you know. He said, are you done? I said, yeah, but I said that a thousand times. He said, you got any alcohol in that bag? I said, yeah. He said, let's pour it out. Okay. Okay. So I go there and I make kind of a big production. I pull the beers out, you know, and I'm pouring the two beers I have out. Yeah, man. You know, I'm getting rid of the alcohol that pours in front of the devil. Yeah. Today's the day. Today's the day. Hallelujah. Yeah. And so anyway, I sit back down and he's like, how do you feel? You know, you know, I'm good. I'm great. And then all of a sudden just something came over to my spirit. I said, I feel like shit, man. He's like, well, what do you mean? I said, I feel like shit because I'm a fucking liar, man. He's like, what do you mean? I said, I still got a half a pint of whiskey in my bag. He said, what's that for? I said, because I know what it's going to be like in two hours from now. You know, I took two catfills when I got it before I got here. You know, I've been in here for two hours now. You know, I'm saying having this conversation with you. I know I'm going to need a couple of nips off that bottle in a minute, man. He said, why don't we pour that out? And boy, I got scared. I got real scared. I wasn't even scared of going down the hallway, you know, Ferguson unit, you know what I'm saying? I'm asking some security at 20 years old, you know what I mean? I wasn't scared. That scared going down the hallway as I was pouring out that whiskey that day, man. And they said, you willing to be uncomfortable for a couple of days? I said, I guess, man. You know? So I did it. I poured it out. And they said, what are you going to do? I said, I don't have nothing to do. I'm going to hang around here because I heard that I can do that. He said, yeah, do that. He said, stick around here, go to the new meeting. So I'm sitting there and went, he said, he said, I'm going to give you 20 bucks so you can get yourself something to eat today. He said, but you're going to come mow my yard tomorrow morning for that $20. He says, how does that sound? I said, okay, I don't want you to give me nothing. Let me work it off. You know what I'm saying? Sure. You know, I don't want to owe nobody nothing. And so anyway, he leave, noon meeting comes and goes, whatever. So that afternoon, after the noon meeting, I sit down out there in the foyer and this older lady walks up to me and she leans in. She goes, Stephen, I've been watching you coming in out of here for five years. She says, you don't let these old mother fucker run you off the top. I says, she speaks my language. You know what I'm saying? You know, I wasn't expecting her. You know, and she goes, you don't, she goes, I know you're living under that bridge. She says, you don't go under that bridge no more. She says, you come up here after 10 o'clock and you stay here on the property. Don't be out here milling around and doing no bullshit. Stay on this property. Sleep out there on one of your picnic benches. You know what I'm saying? Sleep on the side of the building, you know, but don't go back under that bridge no more. She goes, you stay here. And if anybody says anything to you about it, you tell them I said. And at that moment she gave me a sense of belonging. She cared, you know? So about an hour later, I'm outside on the back porch and I'm smoking cigarette and I look over there and they got these big glatters chained to a tree over there by the shed. And what's on top of that? Two moving blankets and two pillows, dude. I said, oh, she don't push them shit off of me to sleep on a deal. I said, look at that boy. And so so enough. I went to meetings and then got my ass back up there. Got dropped off by 1030 went over there, grabbed those blankets, went over to the side of the building, crawled up there on this little sidewalk part and, you know, went to sleep. Son came up. It was right around meeting time. You know, I rolled off there onto my knees. Did the third step for my knees in the dirt. Folded up those blankets, put them back on the thing and went in there and got me a cup of coffee, man. And went to the meeting. After the meeting, the guy takes me to his house to mow his yard and he looks at my hand and he's like, hey man, you want to get a haircut? I said, oh no, not my hair, man. That's how people obey my crazy hair. They see my wild hair. They say, oh don't mess with me. And so anyway, I'm mowing his yard. He takes me back up to the club. Right before the noon meeting, I'm sitting out there in the foyer and this lady walks up and she goes, hey, she goes, hey, after the meeting, get with me. I've got some things for you or whatever. And I'm like, okay, like I don't know her. I don't know, you know, what's she talking about? She got some things for me. But I mean, you know, anyways, the meeting gets over when she catches me out there and she goes, hey, come here, come out to my car. I got some things. So I follow her out there to the car and I get out there and she flips open the hatch thing or whatever. She's like, I just cleaned out my husband's closet and my 18 year old son's closet and they got all these clothes and I got a bunch of them and I think they'll work for you. You know, and so she's like, starts pulling it. So I think, what about this shirt? And what about these? These shorts are good, you know, and she, you know, and I'm like, yeah, she goes, she looked at me. She goes, what do you like a haircut? And I was like, well, obviously I need a haircut. Your second person today, you know, she goes, well, I cut hair and I'm like, oh really? And I'm thinking to myself, I don't know. She goes, yeah, yeah, I cut hair. You know what? I mean, we could do it. When would you like to do it? And I'm thinking to myself, I don't know. I'm so busy under the bridge. I don't think I can put you in. You know what I'm saying? You know, just going to be a rough one, you know, we'll see if we can get it. And so I just look, you know, and she's steady pulling out these clothes. What about this one? What about that? I said, Miss Janice, I said, can I be real with you for a minute? She says, absolutely. I said, I haven't showered, I don't know, eight, 10 days. I don't remember. And I said, and I stink. I said, I stink so much that I can't go in those rooms and I don't need those meetings, but I can't go in those meetings. And I said, the reason I can is because people are moving from where I'm sitting, you know, because if I can smell myself, I know they can smell me, you know, and I don't feel comfortable sitting in that room. All I want to do is just show. I just want to wash my nasty, dirty, rusty butt, you know. And, you know, she said, I did. I smelled like I heard a wild ghost. So anyway, that's so she just looked at me. She goes, and mind you, this woman is all of about, I don't know, maybe five, four, you know, more like five, two, you know, little bitty woman. Yeah. Maybe weighs 110 pounds. Maybe, you know, and she goes, do you go get your things right now? So I go and grab my two backpack full of dirty clothes and shit. She takes me to her house in the absence of her husband, in the absence of her son. She sets me up in the shower, puts me some other clothes out, some clean, fresh clothes. And I take a long hot shower, man, nice, long hot shower and wash my hair and all that, you know. And then she, I come out of the shower, she had made me a sandwich, something to eat, whatnot, you know. And so I eat and then she takes me, she puts me in her barber chair that she has at her house. And she gives me a respectable haircut similar to what I have now, you know. And then she takes me back up to the club. She shows back up at the 530 meeting with every stitch of the things that I owned, washed, dried, folded up, smelling like gang, dude, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. I never smelled clothes pressure in my life, you know. Yeah. Then reaching in my old dirty backpack and pulling out another shirt that had to smell, which one doesn't stink so bad kind of shit. Yeah. And then I had these tennis shoes I've been wearing for, I don't know, two years. Oh, God, they were bad. Yeah. You know, she had washed those and then put them out in the sun and let them, you know. And then she brought them back up there, dude. And that's when I said, you know what, I'm all in on this shit. That old lady yesterday and this lady today, I'm gonna do whatever these motherfuckers tell me to do, bro. God bless them. I'm all on. And the thing is, is that, you know, I've always had trust issues with women. Yeah. Because of my mom leaving and shit, you know what I'm saying? And God used two women, two older women. And the thing that crossed my mind more than anything that day when she took me to her house was what kind of faith must this woman have. That she's a fucking warrior, you know, that she would take this dude that she don't know from Adam, you know what I'm saying, to her how, you know. She don't know who I am or what I'm capable of, you know. She tells me, she tells the story now. She's like, she's never done it before and she's never done it again, you know, it just, it was a fluke that she did it that day. But from that day forward, you know what I'm saying? Like the day before was my sober day, you know, when she told me about, you know, and, you know, I got a sponsor, you know, I got a regular sponsor. The guy said, let me do some side work for him and we went and did it and we were driving back and I asked him a question. And he said, I don't know, why don't you look in the book? I mean, that just in the book. So I pulled his little copy of the book out and won a big print. Now open it up and every page, every page was diagrammed and like a seventh grade English teacher had gone through it and shit and writing all in the fucking margin and shit and whatever. And I was like, this is who I, this guy knows the book. This is who I need to walk by and I asked him then I said, we must be honored to be as fun as we are. And he told me things like, you know, leave it better and you found it, whether it's your mess or not. You do the five daily disciplines, you know, what are the five daily disciplines? You know, read your big book, go to a meeting, call your sponsor, talk to another alcoholic, pray and meditate. Well, guess what? If I go to a meeting, we read from the big book, there's other alcoholics there. And my sponsor told me, he says, make yourself a fixture somewhere at the noon meeting every day or at the 730, whatever, whatever, whatever. And if you make yourself a fixture, guess what? You're probably going to find a sponsor there. So the only thing I got to do on my own is to pray and meditate if I go to a meeting every day. You know, there's my five daily discipline. He says, I'm 50% responsible for a handshaking induction. People aren't lined up at the door waiting to meet me because I'm so fucking important in shit, you know, right? You know, find a guy that you know that you've never seen before and walk up to him and introduce yourself, you know, and guess what? Remember his name tomorrow. You know, I'll never forget there. There's a girl. What's her fucking name? Ariel. She tells the story sometimes about how she came in the first day or whatever and so she came back the next day. And I saw her walking over and I said, Hey, she's like, she goes, you don't understand what that meant to me. You actually remembered my name and made me made me feel so welcome in shit. That's awesome. And, you know, you know, get in the middle of her. You can't get picked off if you're in the middle of her, you know. Yeah, I heard you say that the most. Yeah, because you I mean, you watch national job was a lot of graphic and you don't never see the lion. You know, I'm saying run up in the middle of the pack and grab one of the big healthy gazelles, you know, you catch a little straggler off to the side. You know, or the one that's way off from the pack. Once you isolate yourself, you're done for. Yeah, you know, I'm saying people like, I'm not parking lot doing push up. Well, bitch, I wish he would start up because I'm in here with a room full of gangsters. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? That will whoop his ass. Yeah, as long as I stay with him. Yeah, if I'm riding with him, guess what? I'm gonna be with him. You know, much much said, don't hang out with nobody's got less than two years. My first year. He said, I don't want you getting a vehicle for a year. Oh, man, I'm gonna ask a bitch out to movies, man. I say, baby, say, say, I want to take you to moon. Be me at the seven bus four, four, 30. Yeah. And then we'll catch the 12 over to, you know, the show, you know. And I like, man, he's stepping on my game. No. And he said, uh, he said, it's what made you told me that every time you get a vehicle, you wind up on the east side by and oh, you know, he said, oh, I'm doing and making you take a two, two, three hour bus ride so you can think about it before you go. Yeah. Yeah. You know, and so I moved into an apartment right around the corner from Cherry Creek. You know what I'm saying? It was, it was 812 steps or something from my front door to the front door of the club. You know, and the reason I know that is because back when I used to live off St. John on Guadalupe right there in St. John, I just count how many steps it was to go to my dope man's house right there on fucking St. John 35. How many steps it was going to take me to get right? Yeah. You know, and so then I did that one day when I was walking from my apartment over to the club to see how many steps it took me to get right then. Yeah. You know, you know, so I moved in, I still live in that same apartment. I've been living there 11, it'll be 11 years next month. Yeah. In the same apartment, same address for 11 years, never in my life ever, you know, have I done anything like that besides stay sober? That's the only thing I've done longer than live there. You know, well, I know why that lady helped you that one day. What do you mean? I know why she helped you. Okay. And why she did it then and why she hadn't done it since because of the dude that's here right now. Oh, well, thank you, brother. Yeah, dude, like I've, I've listened to you talk. You're, you're what you can tell that you're a well respected dude in that room for sure. Yeah. Like you can feel it off of you. So you're definitely the kind of person that especially a newcomer needs to hear from. Like I love when I go to Westlake and you're there. I'm like, fuck yeah. Yeah. Cause don't bring the fire. Yeah. You certainly do. Because I know that I normally have pretty good shares, but your shares are always fire. Yeah. And they're always in it's such like, you know, you know, when some people speak, not only do they get everybody's attention, but when you speak, you know that man, this motherfucker knows his book too. He knows that book inside out. And that's what a new person needs. A new person needs to see people like you. That's why I think it's so important for people that have long sobriety, not to go to meetings where it's just other motherfuckers that have 20 and 30 years sobriety. They need to go to newcomers meetings for the newcomer to see that this is possible. Like I got 14 felonies and look at where I am right now. Look at how far I've came. I used to live under that fucking bridge. I used to fly a kite. I used to fucking stink like shit. I didn't shower for 10 days, but look at who I am now. But you kept it real. And the couple of shares that I heard you, it was like, it wasn't sugar coated. It was real power. I mean, it stood out to me when you were speaking. I could just instantly tell that about you right away. So the fact that she had to see that in you even then smelling like a herded wet goat. So you know, she saw it. She saw it, man. She just did. She was like, this guy can fucking really impact this community and you do. And here's the thing is that she doesn't, she's not like a Christian, believe it like she does Middle Eastern, whatever she teaches yoga and whatnot. And she's great person. Yeah. Greatest all can be, you know, I don't. Most all religions believe in the God. Yeah. Whatever they called their God is the God, the great spirit, the Indians call. Right. You know what I'm saying? You know, how does that work? I have no clue. I had a wise man once tell me, he said that a man trying to understand God is the equivalent to a worm trying to understand man. Yeah. Just not going to happen. Right. You know, and so the thing is, is one of the things that I've learned in my life, you know, because I do read the Bible. Like I am a born again, you know, tongue talking, Bible thumping, Jesus freak, you know, I'm saying full baptized immersion, you know, holy roller when it comes to do I talk that way now? But the thing is, is I get my message across and my God's big enough to know, you know, I'm saying that I can get my message across if I can speak to people in the terms that they believe Jesus was speaking to those people in the days and he was speaking to them in terms that they knew parables and stuff. He didn't say fuck, shitting down. But hey, who am I? I'm not Jesus, but you know, I'm trying to get there, but you don't look. Yeah. But I really don't want to get there because you see what happened to you. Yeah. That was a rough ending, dude. I got that ass whooping when I was six. Yeah. I think your dad has one, but I got one good, you know, but the bottom line is, is that I've learned that God doesn't yell. He doesn't even raise his voice. When God speaks to someone, he whispers or he gently nudges, you know, and who's to say he didn't nudge her that day, you know, get with that dude, you know, or maybe it was the day before. Maybe she was talking to the other lady because they were best friends, you know, and she had said something to me about sleeping there or whatever. And I told her that I did what she told me to do or whatever. And then the other one probably said, you know what, let me get that. Do some clothes. If he's trying to do what he's supposed to do. And that's what I've always bought into when people would come to the, to the creek, you know, you know, if I saw that they were doing what they were doing, the reason I live alone in a two bedroom apartment is because I have one room that's called my God room. I told God years ago, I said, look, you pay your rent. You know what I'm saying? I'll leave that room open for the one that's struggling or the one that gets kicked out because they took a little puff off a wee, you know what I'm saying? They need to get back on their feet for a week or whatever. I'll leave the God room open. Plus I have a brother. He comes to town. He can stay whatever. I have the God room, you know, and that's why I live alone because I have God's my roommate, you know, and that room is his and however he seems to want to use it, you know, and that, you know, when people are actually trying to do it, get behind it, you know. I can't name the number of times that somebody could, you know, I'm never at a lack of what I call prayer ammunition. If I go to a meeting because I'll hear somebody talk about some shit that they're going through or whatever. So the next morning I said, Hey God, do you remember that chick? Uh, I don't remember her name, but she was sitting in the counter and she was praying about her mama, you know, low being that situation, be with her, you know, or sometimes I'm driving around town and I'll see, you know, I'll see somebody or something or whatever. I call it drive by prayer. Lord bless him. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Bless that one. Yeah. And that one too. You know, and, and the thing is, is that what I call sobriety paychecks is, you know, I quit paying ties to the church per se and I had this thing with God and, and that when you go to me, sometimes you'll hear people like, man, I just got a new job, man. I started with it on my car and $242. I don't have anybody fixing it. You know, I just walk up to him after the meeting. I can give him a handshake and fucking handle 300 bucks. Then, you know, just walk away. Don't say nothing, you know, and I can't name the number of times that I've done shit like that and just forgot about it. Like I didn't, you know, and then couple of three years, five years later, somebody's like, dude, you saved my life, bro. You saved my life. Like, you know, you came to the rehab, man, and played kickball with us, dude. You gave me $10 and two packs of cigarettes and told me to keep my chin up. Then, you know, it's like, man, I've been sober ever since. I got a year and a half now. But or the lady, I went to Westlake meeting one night thinking it was a regular meeting and it turned out to be a birthday meeting. And this lady picked up her one year chip after the meeting. She goes, Hey, I need to thank you. I said, thank me. Thank me for what? She goes, I should go to Cherry Creek. She goes, you ruined my drinking. She goes, every time you say, if I just don't put that shit in my body, then I can't let it fucking work on me. You know, she goes, every time I took a drink, I hear your voice going, just don't put that shit in your body. Yeah. I said, I'm glad I could ruin your drinking. Yeah. You know, I'm glad I could do that for you, you know. And that's what I call so brighty paychecks, man. Yeah. You know, my sponsor told me that we do service work. We just do it. If I have any, if I feel any kind of way about the service work I did, then I had the wrong intentions when I did it. You know, beautifully said if I, if I, yeah. So, and I had to work on that, you know, the two hardest things that I've learned to do in so bright, it's number one is to mind my own fucking business. And number two is to let other people have their journey. I can't always be captain, save a hoe, save a bro. Yeah. You know, man, I love to put my cape on. Well, you know what I'm saying? Never done that. That's one table. That's one of my problems. It's my homegirl, Miss Karen, she always says you can't rob somebody of their rock bottom. You got, you got to let them fucking go. The funny you say Rob, the thing that reminded me when you said Rob, my sponsor told me early on, they said, he said, when somebody, you know, hey, man, you want to go eat with us? Like I don't have any money. Like, oh, I got you. Don't worry about it. He says, take your pride, put it in your back proc. He says, stop stealing other people's blessings. If somebody wants to help you or give you something, allow them to do it and say thank you. Otherwise you're robbing them of the opportunity because you're too fucking prideful to accept what they got. Yeah. You know, and, uh, you know, it says you got to do, got to get rid of that. You know, and a lot of times, and I can feel that in that room, a lot of, a lot of times there are no strings attached in there, even with a kind word or anything like that. So unlike most other places that you go in a work environment and any other place, but I said it last week, but that room to me was like a very odd combination of church and therapy. You know, it was like a kind of, they kind of coexist in that room for the box of broken crayons to come together and fucking make a whole crayon. I heard somebody call it the island of misfit toys. I mean, you remember that movie? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You just be toy. Yeah. That's us. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, and I, but I, I think you, I think everybody that I've seen in those rooms are the furthest thing from a misfit toy. I think that they're seriously a tool that is used by something greater, God, whatever God you're praying to, to give back and to help. And they do it because they know where they were and they know that there's another one of you or you hiding behind that struggle, right? And it's hard. You, you know, coming from nothing, the background that you have, if you were given anything, there was a string attached to it, probably a lot of the times, right? And to be in a place now where there is no string attached, there's just a lady that wants to wash your clothes, give you a shower and fucking prop you up. I mean, you know what I love to do though? I love making people cry. I'll tell that story. I'll tell that story to me. And she's sitting there and now I look over at you. You know, I like to make people cry for the good reason. Yeah. Here's another thing I like to make people cry. Homeless people. I've got a soft spot in my heart. Of course, dude. I can only imagine. Most of the time I have a dollar or two in my pocket, which is no problem. You know, hustlers knows that two marble red 100s in a box, the arms out of the box. That's that $2. Yeah. $2. If you got a hustler, it's a dollar on the street. Right. You know, if you can't hustle that cigarette for $2, something wrong, you know, but they come to the truck, right? And when I hand it to them, I look them in the eye and I say, if nobody's told you they love you today, I love you, brother. Or I love your sister. You know what I'm saying? And I hand it to them and I look them in the eye and about eight out of 10 times, they immediately, they immediately well up. You know what I'm saying? Hmm. Because they nobody talk to them real like that. Yeah. You know. And the thing is, is that's a way that's. And then I tell them, I say, you know, if nobody's told you they love you today, I love you and God loves you. And that's a way for me to also spread God's message of love. You know what I'm saying? Because at the end of the day, in a hundred years, nobody's going to remember me or my name, right? But the thing is, is they will remember God. Right. And it doesn't, you know, my my deal is I want to emulate God. I want to try to be the goodness of him shining through me in whatever way that is, right? And the thing is, is that person may have an experience from that one small experience that may change or alter the course of their life. It's kind of like that movie, that movie, moving doors or whatever, whatever, whatever, you know, we don't know what that small little action is. A smile at the grocery store. You know what I'm saying? Helping the old lady at those throw bags in the fucking back of her car. The lady bringing you home to fucking shout. Yes. You know, we don't never know what those acts of kindness. Yes, that can change someone's life. Yeah. And it's it's something that we've heard so many times. So many times, man. Like, I mean, it it seems that it always comes down to a moment. Yeah. Something small, something real tiny, like to a guy like me, never struggled with addiction, right? Not in recovery. Right. I don't get it. Right. I don't I can drink a beer and put it away for a week. Right. You know, but the the night. Now you just show it up. That was that was probably the most honest. God bless you. I've ever got it. Like, God bless you. But it's always comes down to this moment, right? For so many of them and it's small and you're no different. It's this it's a two moving blankets and a pillow. Yeah. And that lit you up. That really did. And and that that pillow and those moving blankets. I mean, yeah, who knows where the fuck they were or but it meant the world to you. Yes. Like it was it was small and then it was the next day. You got another one. Yeah. Come over to my house and shower. Yeah. Cut your hair. These are all fucking little small, tiny things, man, that you don't know how. How many moments we let pass by every day that can alter somebody's state of being or state of mind or where they're at. What they've been through and how it could just they're heading down a dark path and then, hey, man, here's cigarette. I love you. So here's the one of the things. That I'm impressed upon me while back was, you know, I never know when I might be the answer to somebody else's prayer, right? Because I don't know what they're going through in their life because everybody's got their own stuff. And they may have in the car before they walked into the grocery store. So God, if you're really real, just, you know, just give me something. Just show me. Give me a sign, whatever, whatever, you know what I'm saying? And Lord, I want to be the deliverer. I want to be the delivery boy or whatever it is, you know, and I don't never know when he's going to use me. So the best way that I can put an analogy on it, right? Is that my life, OK, is like a guitar. OK. And good musicians, right? They keep their guitars in tune. So when they're going to go out on stage and perform. That that instrument has been tuned by a professional, either by themselves or by a professional, usually a professional, if they're any good. You know, so my job, my job. As in my life is I'm a guitar. And my only job is to keep myself in tune because I don't never know when God's going to reach down and pick it up and start to play a tune for somebody. Right. And guess what? If he does that and I got, you know, you know, I have to be in tune. And that's what I have to be ready for. And it starts with my mind and the way that I think and what I allow to go there because you're hearing the time they talk about the fourth dimension of existence, you know, well, the fourth dimension existence is that I can speak. I can see and I can hear without speaking, hearing or looking at something. I can close my eyes and I can speak and I can hear and I can see things that aren't there. Right. Behind my eyelids. And that's the fourth. That's the fourth dimension of existence. And that's what I call my my my, I call it my, you know, my my my inner sanctum, you know, with God, and that's where I reside with God. And it's just he and I walking hand in hand daily, you know, and I can invite him in or if I invite somebody in that he don't like, guess what? He moved, he going to move around. So I got to watch what I think, you know. Well, you know, it sounds to me like you're trying to be that guy who whispered in your in your ear to be this. That's right. I mean, really, that's at the end of the day, that's kind of what we're all trying to pass forward, right? And yes, sir. And, you know, yeah, but it sounds a neat man. What you've overcome and being able to speak here and speak on it. And and I say this all the time doing this, man, this podcast has really humbled me in this way. I know that sitting there and talking about these stories is you guys make it look so easy, but it's not. It's not easy to sit there and and talk about all of this stuff that's happened. You might have gotten used to it because you have shared it. And now you're posting it on the outside of yourself. Right. But it's it's very difficult to come sit, sit there. And the thing that this is what I do know is that my story is what God has given me in order to give to others. So that's what I have. That's of supreme value of what I've had. You know, the big book and the Bible, both are what we call the living word, divinely inspired literature. You know, I can read the same sentence six months from now, and it'll mean something different based upon the experiences I have. Same thing with the Bible. The words haven't changed. You know what I'm saying? My life experiences have. So my story in my life is what it is. And that's my supreme gift from him, right, to use it to help other people. The other thing is, is that, yes, I do. It's it's a gift that God gave me to be able to speak in a room full of people and keep it real and keep it light. Even though it is traumatic and it is hurt. Nobody wants to talk about clawing the seats at three in the morning or doing, you know, doing the stupid bobo shit and all that, you know, all those things. But if I don't make it somewhat humorous, somebody's going to come in that's their beat down. Right. They're beat down already. You know, and they don't want to hear. Yes, it's a very serious thing, you know, to try to sober up and get sober. It's a very serious thing that we're talking about. But if I can't lighten it up and I ain't laughing and I ain't having no fun with it, guess what? I'm not doing it right. And all the answers that I need to life are in the book. It may not be specifically spelled out. But I haven't found one. And that's what my sponsor taught me. He says, if I have a problem, the answer is in that book. I just got to go find it, you know, and that's why I know the book. Like you said, you know, and I don't speak out of the side of my neck at a meeting about some shit that I heard because it sounded good. Somebody said it had to mean so I want to requote it. You know what I mean? You know, so I feel like I got a fire sharing people. Oh, man, great. Sure. You know. Yeah, that feels great when people come do that to you. But the thing is, is I just tell them, you know what? That's a gift that God gave me. And that's a way for me to be able to give him his due. You know what I'm saying? Why I still accept their compliment to not be a brush off. You know what I'm saying? Sure. You know, well, that's what I always like whenever you speak, as you do make it humorous, even though it's serious shit. Yeah, I mean, because I feel like if we can't laugh about some of the shit that we've done, then why the fuck did we go through it? Like some of the shit was terrible. But if we can't sit back and laugh at some of the times that I've had and also speak on them to where we know that other people in the rooms have been through those times, too, and they can hear us speak on it and laugh about it and have fun about it. Oh, well, shit, maybe I'm not such a terrible person because they've done it, too. Right. And look where they are now. Look where Stephen is now, you know. But it's and it's also what it does is it chips away at that uniqueness block where people come in and I'm so special. I'm so unique. Nobody's ever done this. And then they hear somebody share about it and they're like, oh, maybe I'm not the island of misfit toys. I'm just a lost soul that's finally found a tribe that he belongs to. Right. Yeah. You know, like another guy I heard, Sherry says, it's like cheers. Hey, Norm. Yeah. You know, hey, Mike. What up, dude? Yeah, you know, I'm gonna say it. You know, everybody knows your name. You know, that's right. Yeah, that's good. Yeah. So yeah. Anyways, but, you know, so Friday's great, man. You know, I just keep doing what I was taught. I keep doing what I was told to do. Step three for me. I came in and I turned my will and my life over to the power. Oh, wait, before before I want to say this. So the second God experience I had, I didn't get to finish it. January 19th, I'm singing in church choir. I'm living at Willowick Oxford House. I got six months over. It sucks. I hate it. My wife's divorcing me. She won't work it out with me. You know, I'm paying my tithes. I'm singing in church choir. I'm going to church. I'm going to work. I'm doing all the things that I think I'm supposed to do in order to get favor from God, you know, why are you doing this to me? God. So instead of going to church early on Sunday morning, I got dressed and I decided to go to a different church because I had I had a beef with God. So on the way to church, I'm screaming at God at the top of my lungs in my truck. I'm like, God, if you don't give me something today, I'm fucking done with you. Your promises are empty. This shit's bullshit. I'm losing my wife and my kids. Well, what the fuck is the point of staying sober? And I'm so mad. I'm actually punching the roof of my truck, you know. And so I go to I'm here in Austin. I go to church. I don't know anybody. I go into early service over there. I'll fifty first at the promised land church. I go in there and they're singing a clapping and whatnot, worship part of the service or whatever, you know, and the pastor says, hey, well, if you got something you need to pray about, come on down, you know, and I stepped out, walk down to the front, head bowed, eyes closed, arms crossed, and I'm silent, petitioning God, my marriage is over and my wife's taking my kids. I'm sober. I fucking hate my life. What, you know, all these promises and all the stuff that you say there. And I'm doing all the things I think I'm supposed to do. I'm singing in your church and I'm paying my time. I'm saying some good, you know, I'm president of the sober house, all it and it, you know. And this guy walks up behind me and he says, I don't know who you are, but God told me to tell you that you still have the sword. So not once, but twice. This has happened to me and the book talks about it. The book says that God disclosed himself to those who earnestly sought him. And the Bible says the same thing, asking you shall find, you know, asking you shall receive, seeking you shall find, knocking the door will be open. You know, when we earnestly seek God, whomever that is and whatever day people choose to make that be, when I myself believe in God and Jesus and Yahweh and, you know, I Jacob Isaac and Abraham, you know, that's my shit. But when a person seeks God with everything within their being, God reveals himself, you know, and that's that's a truth that I know and hold dear. And I, and I walk with that. And the reason that I can walk with confidence today is because, you know, when you take a person and we all come into this world, but naked and but naked, we're going, you know, somebody may throw some clothes on you. If you got some people's, you know what I'm saying? But you ain't going to wind up warm dirt, bro. That's it. You know what I'm saying? You're warm food, feed the fish is kind of shit, right? So, but even if I'm but naked in this world and I don't have anything to my name, I have to, you know, when people at church, you see them all the time, they're all raising their hand and they got both their hands raised up. What are you raising up? Raising up to empty hand. No, I'm no, not me. You know, this is when we're going to emulate God, right? What is it? When God shows up, right? God's works or what? God's works are mighty, you know, they're always on time, you know, right when they need to be, right? And in this hand, I have my word. God's word is always the same. It never changes. It's always good. You know what I'm saying? When it says going to be here at seven o'clock PM, you know what I'm saying? Even though you got traffic, I showed up at six fifty seven. You know what I'm saying? Because I pray that's like, God, let me be on time. I want to be on time. Yeah. You know, so even when I have nothing in this world, I still have two things of supreme value. I could come to you broke, broke. I said, look, Brian got no money, man. Hold, let me hold 100 bucks until next week. And if I can't pay you back next week, let me come and wash your car and mow your yard and shit, because my worst good and my worst good. You know what I'm saying? I'm never broken. I'm never homeless. I'm never hungry. As long as I make those two things good. And that's how I can emulate God. And as long as I'm doing that and I'm standing on God's word, right? I'm ten foot bulletproof, man. I walk with confidence because I know that the creator of the universe who has shown himself to me twice, you know what I'm saying? It's as concrete as the Florida were sitting on, you know, to me. I pray that other people get that kind of an experience that jobs them, you know, just jolt them into who, you know, that new high. It really is, man. Yeah, you know, I always thought that was so corny. I don't got a heart on line. Climb an eight foot ladder. Yeah. You know, I was in a meeting last week and then we can probably end this. I was in a meeting last week and they get there was a guy he was sharing. And I've only been in this meeting once. I didn't know the guy. And then he started talking about Jesus and he said, you know, we're just like Jesus. And he said, I used to always yell at God for all my problems. Like, why are you doing this and why are you doing this? And he said, and then someone in one of these meetings said, well, so did Jesus. Jesus asked him to why have you forsaken me? Right. When he was dying on the cross. And he said, when I heard that, I was like, I'm just like Jesus. And he had questions too. So it's OK that I have questions. I don't have to have the answers to him because three days later when God, when Jesus rose up, he had the answers filled. He said, so I don't know. I don't have to. I don't I don't have to know why someone goes through this or why this little kid goes at a very young age. I just know that God has a reason for it. And he'll reveal that reason to them once they raise again. Right. It's pretty good. Really, really good stuff. Funny thing. And I'll set up with this. There is that the moment of doubt. You know, it wasn't like pure doubt, but it says that when Jesus was in the garden before he knew he was to be turned over and what he was going to do, it said that he was so full of so much anxiety that he was sweating blood. I never heard nobody sweating no blood, bro. You got you got to be on some anxiety on a whole other level to be sweating blood, bro. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? And that's when he asked God, he says, can you take this cup from me? You know what I'm saying? You know, like, I'm about to go get his ass. He knew it was coming. Yeah, you know, he knew it was coming. Yeah. You know, but he did it anyway. So I can't make up for that, though. You know, yeah. Well, I appreciate y'all having me. Man, I know I talk too much. No, no, you didn't at all, man. I'm telling you, this is going to be great. I've been looking forward to this episode. I've been looking forward to this for a while, too, man. I'm so we're thankful that you came on. Yeah, man. Yeah. Thank you. I'm glad you're ahead of me, dude. And a couple of things. I extend this to everybody, but look, you're on that wall now. You're part of our family and you ever need anything from us. We'll come running and and that door is always open to you, man. Anytime you want to come in here and and rap, nobody does it better than you. Let me hold 20 bucks. I got you. I got you. You need it. I got you. But I don't need to sit here. I want $400 on scratch. I want to have a boy. Had a boy. Well, how do people find you? How do you find me? Yeah. I'm on Facebook. OK. You know what I'm saying? Steven, she in and I mean, I'm a handyman. I got business cards, all of my work and my shits on on Facebook. I don't, you know, 512-552-3190 is my phone number. Cool. I, you know, call me. You know what I'm saying? If you need help or whatever, I'm a handyman, too. I do all of that stuff. Yeah. I've got plenty of references when it comes to working, whatnot. I'm I'm out of the captain's save a hoe, save a bro being this. But, you know, I still kind of am a sucker to try to help people in shit. You know, they tell me I need to do that and I still keep doing it, you know, because service work is kind of like time release medication for sure. You know, it hits me when I'm most needed. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah. Well, find this man. You know, you'll hook you up with some work, you'll hook you up with some words. If you just do and work for you, you're probably going to want to talk to this dude for a little while. For sure. Yeah. So that'll probably be the most important thing. Crazy. Then I'll shut up. I will. But no, the other day I worked for this client. They need some appliances done or whatever. We had to call electricity and to put another 220 plug in or whatever. I came back the next week and was doing their shit. They're like, hey, can you come back tomorrow and do these fucking bulbs up here and this and that little shit? No, I said, yeah, sure. Come to find out. I'm working, you know, that next morning she goes to her and her husband are standing there. We're talking. Turns out she works for the Ken Paxton's off of J. Tarny Jane was off his shit. You know what I'm saying? And she and I start chopping it up, man. And I start telling her about my, you know, about my my past and dude, we became the fastest of friends. I got a friend. She work at the AG's office. Yeah. You bet what. I got that conversation for the nation, but don't get it twisted up. But yeah. Well, Stephen, man, thank you so much for having all brother. Thank you. We're going to do this again. We are going to do this again. Yeah, yeah, for sure. But yeah, the next time we'll talk about the million dollars, man. There you go. Let's go. Two addicts and a moron. We're out of here.