Turtles vs Rabbits

Brains on Universe. From the brains behind Brains On, it's Smash Boom Best. The show for people with big opinions. Hi, I'm Molly Boop and this is Smash Boom Best. The show where we take two things, smash them together, and ask you to decide which one is best. You know that old fable, the tortoise and the hare? One slow and steady, the other fast, footloose and fancy free? Well, today we're turning that tail into a rocking debate for the ages. It's Turtles vs. Rabbits. Bouncing in for Bunnies is comedian Tim Platt. I don't think I need to do much but repeat Molly's amazing choice of words. Fast, footloose and fancy free. Though I will add this, my freak can hop. Bunnies only fail in fables. In the real world, they're out of this world. Very good. And here to talk up Turtles is comedian Faria Khan. Listen, Turtles might be low and slow, but just like when you're cooking a delicious meal at home with your mama, slow and steady wins the race. And our judge for this super animal showdown is Theo from Montclair, New Jersey. Theo loves cooking and makes a mean chicken Alfredo. They love board game science experiments and all kinds of music. Theo is also allergic to so many animals, which hopefully won't be a problem for today's debate. Welcome, Theo. Hi. So, Theo, what animals are you allergic to? Oh my gosh, I'm allergic to cats, dogs, birds, horses and I think that's it. But like all species of birds. Okay, that is good to know. You can't be a vet one day, but you can hire them from a distance. So how do you feel about rabbits and turtles, would you say? I love rabbits and turtles. I've always wanted both. Wonderful. And you're not allergic to either of those animals, right? I do not believe I am. So you love music. So pretend you're making me a mix. What are the first three songs or bands you're going to put on the mix? Okay. So there is this really, really cool cover band that I listen to. They're called True Blood. I actually went to their concert a few weeks ago. They would definitely be on a playlist. A lot of like video game music from like backgrounds of games, definitely. Nice. And a little bit of Tyler the Creator, because I love Tyler the Creator. Nice. And okay, so you love to cook too. What is your favorite thing to cook right now? Definitely still chicken Alfredo. I love chicken Alfredo. Is there any like special secret ingredient you put in, or is that a secret and you can't tell us? I really can't tell you. Okay, okay. I understand. So what advice do you have for Tim and Faria today? I think that you guys have to be yourselves and be funny and you will get points. Excellent, excellent advice. We'll see if Teo picks Team Rabbits or Team Turtles, but first here are the rules of the game. Every debate consists of four rounds. The Declaration of Greatness, the Micro Round, the Sneak Attack, and the Final Six. After each round, our judge Teo will award points to the team that impresses them the most, but they'll keep their decisions top secret until the end of the debate. Listeners, we want you to judge too. Mark down your points as you listen. At the end of the show, head to our website, smashboom.org, and vote for whichever team you think won. Okay, Teo, Tim, Faria, are you ready? I'm ready. Yes, I am. I'm ready to tumble slow and low. Then it's time for the Declaration of Greatness. In this round, our debaters will present a well-crafted, immersive argument in favor of their side. Then they'll each have 30 seconds to rebut their opponent's statements. Move up to coin and Faria, you're up first. Tell us why turtles are totally triumphant. Oh, hey, you caught me at the perfect time. I was just putting up decorations for the event of the season, the world's biggest turtle celebration party, or should I say, celebration. I've been planning this party for literally minutes since this debate started, and I already know it's gonna be the best party in the history of parties, because these reptiles are remarkable. They're super survivors with amazing bodies and the cheer list vibes imaginable. First, turtles are absolutely ancient in the coolest way possible. They've been around for more than 200 million years, meaning they walk the earth alongside dinosaurs, which also means they outlived the massive triceratops, the ferocious velociraptor, and even the mighty T-Rex. They're survivors. Did somebody order a ridiculously large ice sculpture of a turtle? I did for the party and to make a point, because some hibernating turtles can live for months in freezing cold, ice-covered ponds and lakes. Which is totally wild when you think about it, because a turtle has lungs like you and me that it uses to breathe. Usually it has to swim up to the surface, take a breath of air, then dive back down. So how does it survive in a completely frozen pond or lake where it can't come up to the surface for air? The answer, my friends, but breathing. Yeah, it breathes through its butt. Instead of taking a big breath of air with its lungs, the turtle absorbs the air from the water with its butt. And then, when springtime comes and the ice melts, our incredible butt-breathing buddies swim to the surface and carry on with their lives as normal. Did someone order a second ridiculously large ice sculpture of a turtle? Again, me, put it next to the other one. This one is to illustrate that turtles are hard like ice, specifically their shells, which are actually part of their skeleton. That tough armor is made up of more than 50 separate pieces and covered in keratin, the same stuff your hair and fingernails are made of. And it can regrow and heal if damaged. Okay, I'm guessing you also ordered this third ridiculously large turtle ice sculpture to make some kind of point? You got me, because like a chunk of ice, turtles are super chill. These days, there's a lot of pressure to move fast, fast, fast! Hop from soccer practice to dance class to gymnastics and on and on and on. Kinda like a certain hippity hoppy animal I won't name right now. But here's the thing, always moving fast is exhausting. It can make it harder to appreciate the world around you. Turtles, on the other hand, know that moving slow is where it's at. They have plenty of time to enjoy munching a tasty leaf or feel the cool breeze on their shells. There in no rush. Oh, looks like my guests are starting to arrive for the party. Hi guys! Three ridiculously large turtle ice sculptures? Wow! Oh my gosh, turtles everywhere! Come on in, fellow turtle lovers. I love turtles! I like that one over there, I think he's... I love how it's a recap. Turtles are incredible survivors and butt breathers who know how to slow down and enjoy life's simple pleasures. Now, let's celebrate for Team Turtles! Turtle power indeed. Teo, what's it out to you about Faria's declaration? I did not know that turtles could breathe through their butts. It's very interesting. Very interesting indeed. Speaking of butts, Tim, it's time for your rebuttal. You get 30 seconds to run laps around Team Turtles' arguments, and your time starts now! Turtles are ancient. Turtles outlived the triceratops, Velociraptor, and T-Rex, and you want me to celebrate that? I love those guys! Seems like maybe the turtle had something to do with their extinction. No, it doesn't sit right with me. You're telling me turtles breathe out of their butts? Look, I'm a normal guy. I prefer when animals fart out of their butts, and I don't think I'm alone here. Do you ever tell me that turtles move so slow because they appreciate the world around them? Then why do they hide their head in their shells? Seems like they move so slow to avoid engaging with this dynamic adventure we call life. Yes, thank you, Tim, for that insightful commentary. I do have some issues. The fact that you are really downplaying the butt breathing shows me that your fast, hippity hop ways can't slow down to smell the roses, because, honey, that's the coolest fact I've ever heard. Oh, wow. There is a lot of enthusiasm for these animals. Will Tim talk about bunny butts? Only time will tell. We'll hear more right after this. Smash. Smash. Smash. Okay, we're back. It's Turtles vs. Rabbits, and Team Rabbit is about to set the pace and make their case. Let's hear it, Tim. Bunnies are the best. I know because I have a BBF. A best bunny friend. Come out here, Walt. I said a hip. Hop, hippity hopity, and you don't stop rocking with the rabbit. Come on now. Walt, the rabbit here. Walt and I met when I accidentally pulled him out of a top hat on Amateur Magician's Night last Thursday. Yeah, I'm not so sure how science works, but we're best as butts now. Walt, are you wearing the top hat I pulled you out of? Sure am. You like? I don't like it. I love it. Top hats or not, bunnies are some of the most adorable animals around. I'm talking capital C cuties. The tiny noses. Our disproportionately large ears. And don't even get me started on the fluff factor. You practically have pom-poms for tails. I believe the scientific term is but pom-pom. Bunny rabbits are also extremely quick. Did you know that some rabbits can run up to 45 miles per hour and jump three feet in the air? All the speedy and to outrun or out leap our predators. Rabbits also have incredible ears. Their ears help a bunny keep a comfy body temperature and they can rotate the ears up to 270 degrees. So bunnies can pinpoint the smallest of sounds from far away. Plus bunnies can even move one ear one at a time like fluffy satellite dishes. Here, watch. Meanwhile, do turtles even have ears? And if you think 270 degrees spinning ears are impressive, did you know we have nearly 360 degree vision? That's right, because rabbit's eyes are on either side of their head. They have amazingly wide vision. I don't even have to move my fuzzy face to look up at the sky above. It's a great party trick. Speaking of tricks, wanna jump in my top hat? Might be kind of snug, but I'll try. Did you take me down a literal rabbit hole? I know. I should be the one amateur magician Thursdays. Welcome to the Warren. I've read about these. Warrens are networks of underground tunnels and burrows that some rabbits dig to keep warm and safe together. Yeah, unlike turtles, us rabbits are social creatures who thrive off of a community. Uh, what's up, Walt? Is that your best human friend? If he had. Yep, just given Tim a tour of the place. We love communal living here. 20 roommates? The dream! Don't worry, we've got a chore chart. I have to say, for so many, you're all pretty quiet. Us rabbits like to communicate with very subtle body language. A nose twitch here, a slight head turn there. If there's danger, we thump our feet fast to send a warning vibration out to others. Oh, like that? No, that's just code for carrots on tonight's dessert. Hop back in the hat. Come on! Whatever you say, Walt. Are we in the rabbit hall of fame? Are carrots for dessert? Of course! There's the Easter Bunny, Judy Hopps from Zootopia, Thumper from Bambi, the Delftine Rabbit, Peter Rabbit, Roger Rabbit, Rabbit from Winnie the Pooh, Lola Bunny, the Energizer Bunny, Buster Baxter from Arthur, and who could forget, Bugs Bunny. And what's up, Doc? Well, we do bring the whimsy. Yeah, like the white rabbit from Alice in Wonderland, who led Alice to an adventure of a lifetime. Yes, us rabbits have been manic pixie dreaming way before TikTok made that a cool trend. Whether it's dominating pop culture, inspiring imagination, or being the cutest, speediest fluffballs in town, bunnies are the best. And that's all, folks! Now, time for carrot dessert! I want to split a carrot dessert with a BBF. Alright, Teo, what's it out to you about Tim's arguments? I did not know that they communicated through body language. That's pretty cool. Super cool. For you, you get 30 seconds to rip Tim's arguments to shreds, and your time begins right now. Okay, Mr. Rabbit Tim, sure, it's cool about communicating with body language, and their ears can move a lot, but can they breathe out their butts? Honey, I don't think so. Yeah, that 360 degree vision, more like spooky spies. What are you doing over there? Stop looking at me! And I gotta say, sure, they have their affinity for the magic community. I respect that. But the way they're... And time. Yeah, you're doing right. I totally agree. It is cool the way they communicate with their bodies. And I also think that, no, I'm glad they don't breathe out their butts. Am I crazy? Am I crazy to be the only person to say, I'm glad rabbits don't breathe out their butts? Teo, it is time to award some points. Please give one point to the Declaration of Greatness that you liked best, and one point to the rebuttal that won you over. You get to decide what makes a winning argument. Did one team have stronger points? Did another show more passion? Award your points, but don't tell us who they're going to. Have you made your decision? I have. Excellent. Faria and Tim, how are you feeling so far? You know, Faria, we're friends. We're friends from outside of this program, and it's hard to compete against a friend. But when I hear you being so wrong and so unfair about rabbits, I'm like, is this the same person I know? Oh, Tim. Oh, Tim, we've been friends for many years, but I see you're doing your tricks again, you little tricky magician man. I think turtles deserve the time and respect for all they've overcome. And if you don't see that, sir, well, I guess I'll be rethinking this friendship. Oh my gosh. You know what? Even though I would question the friendship, I would never rethink it. I can't believe you would. Oh my gosh, the stakes are high today. It is time for a quick break. Stretch those long legs and polish those shells. And we'll be right back with more Smash Boom Best. A date of debate, home to rage and rhetoric and awe-inspiring argumentation. Oh hey, debate buddies. I'm here with the exquisitely dressed Todd Douglas. It's me, and I'm with the swellest smiler, Taylor Lincoln. Aw, thanks, pal. Did you do something different with your hair? It looks divine. Well, yes, I tried washing it. And Todd, your nails are so well trimmed. Nail hygiene is my passion. Aren't compliments the best? But you know what's the worst? A logical fallacy. Those are bad arguments that hurt your case. And we saw a nasty fallacy dealt by one of the sweetest people in the world. The compliment fairy. Ooh, the compliment fairy used the ad homonym fallacy. That's when you attack someone's character instead of their ideas. Let's listen. Hello, Sarah. Your curls are a ray of sunshine. Mack, did I tell you I love your singing voice? Oh, Charlie, I heard you aced your math test. You're the smartest kid in the world. Thanks, compliment fairy. But don't be silly. Silly? Oh, heavens know. I'm just telling you how you're the most intelligent little tyke. Yeah, but how would you know if I'm the most intelligent? Have you surveyed all the little tykes in the world? Plus, how are you defining intelligence? Even education professionals struggle to define intelligence. Furthermore, what constitutes a little tyke or a kid for that matter? Are you comparing my intelligence to that of a teenager or a baby? Because that hardly seems fair. See, all of your quibbles just serve to emphasize how incomparably smart you are. Frankly, your lack of insight into the compliment you gave me calls into question the authenticity of your compliments in the past. Well, of course you wouldn't agree you're the smartest kid because you're just to know it all, aren't you? Ouch. Not cool. Yeah, and even with the best intentions, you can still make a fallacy. By the way, the compliment fairy did apologize to Charlie right after this. And trust me, it was the most sincere apology ever. Good to hear. But can we be sure it was the most sincere ever? Drop it, Todd. We'll see you next time on... State of Debate! Smash. Boom. The Best. You're listening to Smash Boom Best. I'm your host Molly Bloom. And I'm your judge, Tayo. And we love getting debate suggestions from our listeners like this one. Hello, my name's Xiao Chun. I live in Singapore, and my debate suggestion is House vs. Hotel. Oh, that's a fun twist on the Hotels vs. Camping debate from earlier this season. We'll check back in at the end of this episode to see which side Xiao Chun thinks should win. And now, back to Rabbits vs. Turtles. Get ready for round two. It's the... Micro Round. Tim and Faria. You will each get three chances to make a micro argument backed by a cool fact. Faria started things off last round, so Tim, you get to go first this time. Let's hear your first rabbit fact. Fact number one. A rabbit's teeth never stop growing. They are kept at bay by chewing on things like twigs and bark. So without rabbits, our neighborhood twigs and bark would remain unchomped by teeth. A fate worse than becoming firewood. Turtles must be doing something right, because they live long. Like, long, long. The oldest known living land animal is a turtle. That's currently over 190 years old. His name is Jonathan. Amazing. You know, I understand that Turtles can live for a long time, but rabbits live everywhere. There are rabbits on every continent in this planet except for Antarctica, and you can't hold that against them because so few animals actually live in Antarctica. Please don't hold that against them. In fact, celebrate how many other places they tend to be. Okay, cool. But let me just say, Turtles are pop culture legends. Yeah, there's the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, who are some of the most recognizable heroes in the world. There's Bowser from Mario. He's a type of turtle called a Koopa, and one of the most recognizable villains in the world. And there's Crush and the other sea turtles from Finding Nemo, who are famous for being some of the most hill beings in the entire world. This is not my fact, but I have to just say that, like, you heard my Declaration of Greatness. I can't believe you were putting those three characters against all of the rabbits that we have seen in popula culture. But it's time for fact number three. Can you imagine if magicians pulled turtles out of a hat instead of bunnies? For one, it would be heavy and leathery, completely messing up the magicians' flow. For second, it would ruin the trick because the audience would be expecting a rabbit. Give the audience what they want. Give them a rabbit. Please. Okay, all this rabbit propaganda, but let's just say, they don't say cowabunga, but real turtles do make noise. Depending on the species they may grunt, hiss, or cluck like chickens, or bark like dogs. And let's just remember, they're the chillest guys alive. A much funner hang than a bunny. Okay, tail. Tame is gracious. A lot of great facts there, but I want to know, what did you like best about this micro round? I was listening to Tame's Declaration of Greatness, and I was listening to all these famous turtles, and I forgot about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and I'm very disappointed in myself. I used to watch them all the time. I think that it is true that it'd be kind of weird to pull a turtle out of a hat. It'd be a little uncomfortable. True. True. We can do other things, you know? They can. Oh, right. Tayo, so many good facts. We learned so much, but only one of these teams can get a point for this micro round. The criteria are totally subjective and totally up to you. Did someone surprise you? Did someone make you think? Did someone make you laugh? Have you made your decision? It's a close one, but I have. Fantastic. Hold tight. We'll be right back with more debate after this. Want Smash Boom Best without the ad breaks? Join SmartyPass and get an ad-free feed of this and all the other Brains On Universe shows. Plus, you'll get to do virtual hangs with me and the crew and discounts on merch. Sign up at BrainsOn.org. Thanks. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Smash Boom Best. We're back, and it's time for our third round, the super stealthy. Ha ha! Sneak Attack. Power Bunga, dude. Hey, it's me, Michelangelo. One of the coolest Ninja Turtles ever to live. I just wanted to say thanks for this award on behalf of me and my crew. You know, some people say, well, it's weird. We live underground, but, you know, we just like to recharge in the quiet. It's not, we don't like to be out and about all day. We like our za, our pizza and chilling with our close family and friends. And I think that's a great way to live. So I want to thank my family, my friends, my turtle community, and my butt for Breaks Crew, all of the hard time that life has to offer. Thank you. Wow. What was the award that Michelangelo was accepting? It was for Chillest Guy Alive. Sure. Of course, of course, of course. This is true. Excellent work, Michelangelo and Faria. Tim, it's your turn. Please show us how rabbits accept awards. Thank you so much. I am, of course, the hare from the tortoise and the hare, and I am receiving the award for giving the turtles the best PR they could have possibly asked for. Why? When I was asked to not win the race, I was definitely going to win and had the potential to win to take a rest, to give turtles a moral that they would not have received otherwise. I thought, of course, I'm a kind person. I don't need to win every time, even though I can and should and will. When I looked at the turtles, it felt so bad that they were going to be moving so slow and stuck in their shell where they wouldn't appreciate the world just being chill and not engaging with the world, so I took a sacrifice and decided to take a little nap and let them win and let them have their moral to the end of time. But as they say, a fable is just a fable. And in the real life, I'm amazing, which is why I've gotten this award for helping the turtles out, even when some say they shouldn't have deserved it. But I actually didn't agree with that. I think they deserve a win. And I'm happy to be the only one to let them have it. Oh, that was really lovely. An excellent award speech is both of you. I didn't even have to play the music to get you off stage. Wonderful work. All right, Teo, please think about these speeches. Did one make you laugh? Did one sneak in some info? Whatever the criteria are, it's completely up to you. Please choose one side to award a point. But as always, keep it hush-hush. Have you made your decision? It's so hard, but I think that I have. Wonderful. All right, now it's time for the final six. In this round, each team will have just six words to sum up the glory of their side. Tim, time to rally for rabbits. On tap is the hop, brother. Excellent. Very good. Okay, Faria, please take it home for turtles. Turtles breathe through their butts. Fact. Oh, man, excellent. Final six is both. But Teo, only one can get the final point. Please award it. Have you made your decision? I have. Okay, please tally up those points. Are you ready to declare one side the Smash Boom Best? I am. All right, drum roll, please. And the winner is... Turtles! What? What? Teo. Wow, thank you so much. From behalf of me and the turtles, this is an honor. Thank you. Oh my gosh, Teo, what did it for turtles? So, the sneak attacks were both so good, but Faria happened to guess my favorite Ninja Turtle. So I had to give it to Mikey. Michaelangelo for the win. Teo, please. I can say other rabbits. I mean, Bugs Bunny, you must like Bugs Bunny, right? You did a lot of hating on turtles, and now your time is up, pal. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Teo, Teo, Teo, please. I feel so bad. No, Teo. You did so good. You guys both did so good. It was very close. We just, you know, sometimes literature is similar to reality in Today the Tortoise. the tortoise, the turtle did beat the rabbit. All right, I accept. That's okay. Tell you you were a wise judge. I respect you, I honor you. I'm not a tough day, but I get it. I get it, you have a job to do. That's good taste, let him cook, all right? Okay, Tim, you actually did an amazing job. I was shaking in my boots the whole time. I'll tell you, I had no idea I was gonna win, but to win another one over you, I will keep that in my back pocket. I think I've lost every time to Faria. Every time I've done this. She's a tough opponent. And we'll say you did an amazing job and the magical component of the rabbits will forever be the coolest fact. So thanks for bringing that in and dazzling us with your beautiful stories. Thank you, Faria. I wanna give it up to you in your declaration of greatness. Your voice really captured that slow turtle pace. It was very compelling and I felt like I was living in the turtle. I thought that was really excellent and I have to give it up to you before as well. The moment you had the fact that turtles breathe out their butts, you did not let that fact go. You brought it back in the time. You made it be the point of the arrow hitting the bullseye and I have to give you mad respect for that. And the good thing about Faria winning is that you guys can remain friends, right? Wait, that's true. Yeah, I guess based on the consequences we both outlined. I'm just gonna end our friendship. That's true, that's true. I guess, Teo, thank you. You made the kindest choice possible. Well, that is it for today's debate battle. Teo crowned turtles and smash boom best. But what about you? Head to smashboom.org and vote to tell us who you think won. This episode was produced by me, Molly Bloom, Sanitadan and Marc Sanchez. We had sound design by Rachel Breeze and Marc Sanchez. We had engineering help from David Amalan. Our announcer is Marley Foyerworker Otto and we wanna give a special thanks to Austin Cross and Taylor Kaufman. Faria, is there anyone you'd like to give a shout out to today? I'd love to give a shout out to Teo. Thanks for coming on and bringing your energy and Timmy. I love you buddy. And shout out to Turtles everywhere. And how about you Tim, any special shout outs? I would like to shout out a book. It is a book called I Am a Bunny. It is written by, I might say this name wrong, by Ole Rezum and it is illustrated by Richard Scarry. It's a book that I read to my one year old son almost every night. It's a little bunny. He's the cutest thing I've ever seen in my life. And I think his name is Nicholas and he just observes the seasons and it's really a gorgeous book for very young kids. A lot younger than Teo. It's for one year olds. So, but it's a really beautiful book and it certainly celebrates my little buddy friends. I love that book too and read it to my daughter when she was little. It's beautiful. Teo, any special shout outs? I want to shout out to Glenfield Middle School, my school, it's very, very good. And my mom, because she was the one who found out I could do this. Awesome. Before we go, let's check in and see who Xiao Chen thinks should win the hotel's versus house's debate. I think that hotels will win because I like their food and they will clean after us. If you're between the ages of 13 and 18 and you'd like to be a judge or if you're any age and you have an idea for a knock down drag out debate, head to smashboom.org slash contact and drop us a line. And if you're a fan of the show and want to keep it going, head to smartypass.org to subscribe. We'll be back next week with our final Smash Boom Best of this season, Black Panther versus Wonder Woman. Bye bye. Goodbye. Go. Bye. Oh, yeah, the smash boom best. Oh, but you're through the test. Oh, yeah, the smash boom best. Oh, better than no rest. It's a smash boom best. It's a smash boom best. I've noticed that when I'm on the show, I tend to play pretty manipulative. Yeah, edited for some reason.