The Saint: The Corpse Said Ouch 08/06/1950

Welcome to Choice Classic Radio, where we bring to you the greatest old-time radio shows. Like us on Facebook, subscribe to us on YouTube, and thank you for donating at choiceclassicradio.com. The Adventures of the Saints, starring Vincent Price. The Saints, based on characters created by Leslie Charteris, unknown to millions from books, magazines, and motion pictures. The Robin Hood of modern crime now comes transcribed to radio, starring Hollywood's brilliant and talented actor, Vincent Price, and... The Saint. I'm not home. It's the middle of the night and I'm asleep. I'm insconnected. He's sitting up with a sick aunt. Oh. Hello. Hello. Are you Simon Templer? Come in and we'll compare Social Security cards. Thank you. I thought you were in Schenectady Never heard of the place Sitting up with a sick aunt Is she recovered suddenly? Simon, I need help desperately Why? Because I'm dead You're what? Dead Oh, well, of course, I'm of my best friends Simon, my name is Francis Blake Here, read this Read? That little item down in the corner Under obituaries Obituaries It says here that the body of Francis Blake is at the Restwell Chapel burial at noon tomorrow You see, the newspapers say that I'm dead Yeah, but I don't know whether to believe them or not You are Francis Blake? Of course I am Come here a moment All right Thank you Now Simon, what are you... Ouch! I beg your pardon You pinched me Yeah But... Well, I had to make sure I wasn't dreaming. But you're supposed to pinch yourself if you think you're dreaming. I know, but this way was more fun. Also, I never heard a corpse say ouch before. Therefore, you're not dead. I already knew that. I didn't. Now that that's settled, I think perhaps we ought to go visit. Visit whom? Your corpse. Taxi! Taxi! Hey, your night, rain or bright? Never mind, Louie. Oh, Mr. Templer, had I have known it was you, I wouldn't have bothered with the whimsy. Had I known it was you, I just wouldn't have bothered. However, Francis... Thank you. Louie should perhaps be explained. He's a cab driver I try to avoid. I rarely succeed, which proves to me that my life isn't all that it should be. Keep it clean. And where at this hour of the night are you going? The Restwell Chapel. Get another cab. Louie. Okay, okay. Some sport takes a girl to see a funeral parlor in the middle of the night. I'm merely taking her home. She lives in a funeral parlor? She's dead in a funeral parlor. Who's dead? Miss Blake. Huh? Me. Excuse me, but I got to... Louie, don't take your hands off the wheel. I already did. Yes, so? She said ouch. Personally, I would have liked to find out for myself, but if you say so... I do. I'll take your word for it. Only how are you going to explain to the funeral parlor her riding around in cabs with you? Simple. I am apparently the kind of a man a girl wouldn't mind being seen dead with. The Restwell Chapel at your service. Uh, Louis... I know. Wait. But I'm telling you one thing, considering the type of company you're keeping, I ain't waiting till nobody plays no hot licks on a trumpet. I don't think you'll have to. Come along, Francis. All right. I've been trying to pretend to myself that it's all some kind of a joke, but that funeral parlor looks too real. We'll find out soon enough. One nice thing about funeral parlors, they're always open. That you call nice? She have a point there. Listen to that doorbell. Chopin, at least. Ah. I beg your pardon? I said, ah. Ah. Come in, Francis. This is an hour that comes to all. Except in states that don't have daylight saving. I, sir, was referring to your bereavement. Uh, whom are you mourning? We would like to look at Francis Blake. The hour is late, but grief knows no clock. Good heavens, an epicram. We try, sir. If you'll follow me. Thank you. Ah, here we are. And there she is. Beautiful, isn't she? Very. Simon, she does look like me. A little bit, but hardly enough to explain. How did she get here, Miss Blakeney? The police brought her. Oh, I see. Who identified her? That was highly necessary. Her coat over there in the corner. Simon! Wait a minute, Francis. What about her coat? It had her name on the label. Now I shall withdraw You'll want to be alone with your grief All right, but make a sound withdrawing, please So we'll know you're withdrawn Oh, really, sir, it's no use jesting The dead never laugh Well, he's withdrawn Simon, that's my coat It is mine, Simon, but look Yes, two holes in the front of it, bullet holes Bullet holes? The girl here, whoever she is, was murdered. Come on, we'd better get out. All right, but I'm taking my coat. I don't think... It's mine, not hers. It belongs to me, even though she was murdered in it. Simon, what was that girl doing with my coat? Wearing it when she was shot, presumably. There's another question, perhaps a more important one. Why was she shot in the first place? I suppose she had enemies. Have you? Back again? Yeah, we're back again. Francis. Oh thank you The little lady lost her place Francis where do you live The Thornton Tower Louis I heard Simon back there Why did you ask if I had any enemies? The coat's a distinctive one. Well, it's a very colorful plan. Yes, the girl back at the funeral parlor was murdered while wearing it. The question comes to, was her wearing the coat when she was killed merely a coincidence, or was she killed because her murderer thought she was, um, you? The Thornton Towers Here you are, Louie, and... I know. Don't wait. On account of you're sitting up with a dead friend. Good night, Louie. Good night. Good night, folks. Oh, Simon, it's so good to be back home My apartment's down the corridor Simon, I feel terrible Oh, you needn't But what you said in the cab She was wearing my coat, a very distinctive one And then she was shot to death That girl is dead because of me Oh, we don't really know that Well, it must be so Somebody thought she was me and killed her That's possible. Then that means that somebody wants to kill me. Is this your door? Oh, yes. Of course, it's also possible that someone didn't like the coat. And, hey, did you leave your lights on when you left? No. There's a light in the room ahead. Well, that's the living room. You stay here in the hall. I'll go ahead and see who it is. But I... I just want to make sure they're neutral on the subject of plaid coats or you. Shh. Oh, hello. Hello. Ah, how she was beautiful, your wife. My what? Your wife. It's her picture on the desk there, no? Well, that does seem to be a picture of Frances. And your name she is? My name's Simon. Ah, it is a name that fills herself with the soul, no? No, I... I knew that tonight, of all nights, you would be lonely. Believe me, I'm not lonely. So, I am here. Oh, your wife, she must have been a wonderful woman. She, uh... Your life with her was the magnificent symphony, no? Hmm, chamber music would probably be more accurate if you... And now that she is, alas, gone, I am here. Without even a pause for station identification. Look, who are you? I am Olga. Simon, I... Who is she? Olga. Who is she? Francis. And now that you two have met... Waiting a moment, huh? Aha. I look on the picture. I look on the flash. The what? The flash. Of which I'm not adding, your wife is perhaps carrying a little too much here and there. Especially there. Now, just a minute. Mustn't point, Olga. Bad manners. But I am seeing your wife. She's not dead. She isn't. That is, Francis isn't. If you like, you could try pinching her. I never pinch. Except boys. Simon, you are disappointing me. Goodbye. Well, that was quite a performance. Personally, I didn't care for her cadenza. Oh, I don't know. It was a nice cadenza and the tootie was definitely fruity. That is, Francis, the whole thing was camouflaged. For what? Take a look at the room. The room? Oh! Yes, it looks as if a junior hurricane had visited it. You mean somebody of Olga searched the room? Uh-huh, this one and, uh... Yeah, the bedroom as well. But, Simon, what was she looking for? I don't know. Whatever it was, she didn't find it. Our entrance stopped her search. Well, I'd better start straightening things up a bit. Good idea, I'll help you. Well, shouldn't you be going home? Oh, I don't think so. You may get some more visitors later on and rougher ones than Olga. Why? Well, maybe they'll tell us if we ask them prettily. In the meanwhile... Yes, Simon. We can practice the overture to that symphony Olga mentioned. Simon. Yes? It's getting awfully late. Yes, I know. We really can't sit up all night waiting for someone to come. We don't even know for sure that someone will. Olga got into this apartment and someone else did before her. Someone else? Of course. Your coat was stolen, wasn't it? Well, I suppose, but not from the apartment side. Not from... Well, where was it stolen from? I can't be sure, of course, but I gave that coat to the cleaning shop down the block about a week ago. Cleaning shop? Mm-hmm. What's the name of it? The Carter Cleaners. Why? Because evidently it started out from there to wind up on a murdered girl's body. Therefore, come on. We're gonna... Yes, believe it or not, I'm taking you to the cleaners. Hey! What? Oh, Louie, I thought I told you not to wait. This is a free country? Yes, but... Parking limit on this here curb, maybe? No, but... I waited. But we're only going down the block a little bit. You can't afford a quarter? I like to walk. What do you get from walk? Exercise. Uh-huh, and from exercise, an enlarged heart. From an enlarged heart, you know how many people each year drop dead? Add them up. We're walking. Come on, Francis. Simon, you're worried. Moderately. I mean, about all those people with enlarged hearts. This is the place, huh? Yes, yes. Front door's shut, but there's a light inside. Let's try. It's locked. However... I think someone's coming. Recognize him? Yes. Yes, that's Mr. Maxson, the manager. Oh, what do you want? Do you mind if we come in? Look, it may have escaped your attention, but it happens to be after 2 o'clock in the morning. Why do you want to come in? The rain. It's not raining. But suppose it starts here. I happen to be a very tired man. You should go home early. I shouldn't be bothered by drunks. I'm not drunk. We've stopped by for Miss Blake's coat. Coat? The plaid. As I may have mentioned before, we are not open for business. Then what are you doing here? I'm crazy about carbon tetrachloride fumes. I'd still like the coat. Oh? Then please do stop by. In the morning. Simon, why did you... I wanted to find out if the cleaning store knew the plaid coat was gone. But we didn't find out, did we? No, nevertheless, we've worried, Mr. Maxon. Thank heaven Louie's handy. Hey, Louie! Louie! You give up, huh? Yeah. Into the cab, Francis. All right. Well name your destination Mr Templer A very long trip Yeah Drive to the back of the cleaning store You probably have to go around the block That alley must lead there Okay. But, Simon, why are we going to the back of the store? Because we're going in? No, because I suspect Mr. Maxson is going out. All this here is maybe none of my business. It isn't. Oh, you know a remark like that could easily hurt a fellow's feelings? I'm sorry. No, it didn't hurt mine. I'm sorry, Estelle. But you're not spending this P.M. in the way a P.M. should be spent. Nonsense. So far, it's all been good, clean fun. That's what I mean. Simon, Mr. Maxson hasn't come out of the store yet. No, he may be coy, however. But why should he have anything to do with anything? He shouldn't, but it's very possible that he has. Simon. Yeah. Yeah, Mr. Maxson is shutting up shop. Coming down the back alley, which confirms something or other. You mean if he weren't hiding something, he wouldn't use the back way. Perhaps we're far enough away from the alley for him not to notice. Look, he's turning the corner. Louie. I am alert. Not for nothing was I a boy scout. Although actually, what I was a boy scout for was a certain girl scout. Hold it a minute. He's getting into that bucket. He's a villain. That's a convertible. Everybody knows. Only villains ride around in convertibles. He started. Louie. Here we go. Hey, look. Maxon's stopping. Yeah. I better stop right here. Uh-huh. Simon, he's going into that nightclub. Interesting place for a store manager to finish his evening's work. Let's go, Francis. Leave me know how the floor show is. I'll be sure to. Hmm. Barker's Band Box. I've heard of the club. Yeah, and I've heard of Barker. Nothing complimentary either. Well, here it is, and in we go. Dark, crowded, and needs ventilation. The floor show? Emphasis on show. Simon, Mr. Maxon's over there. Yeah, ducking out of the door near the piano. Let's follow in these shifty footsteps, huh? Gee, I hope nobody notices this. With what's going on, or rather coming off, I don't think so. Oh, it's so dark in this hallway. Yeah, listen. I can't hear what they're saying. We can get a little closer. Simon. Now, wait a minute, Barker. I'll give you a wait long enough. Where are the stones? I told you, the girl disappeared. I know what you told me. Don't give me the stones. Now, suppose you tell me where the stones are. I don't know where they are. Stones. Barker's got quite a reputation as a crook of various kinds. Stones are jewelry and unquestionably stolen jewelry. I'm having fun, fellas. Hope I didn't frighten you, lady. Coming up behind you is two nosy people like this. That was her asthma. Yeah. This here's a rod. How cute. Could I see it? Let it go. Simon, I've got his gun. Yeah, and I've got a fist. Let's see what happens. How gratifying. I hit him and he fell down. Jake. Come on. All that could happen to us in here... Jake! ...would be fatal. What they fired at us, I don't... I know, it's always a little nervous-making. Well, here we are. Thanks, Simon. Not yet, I'm going in with you. But... No, for safety. Oh. You think maybe... I'm just not taking any chances. Foyer's all right. Living room. Frances. What? Don't look across the room. Olga's back, but this time she's staying. What do you mean? I hoped you wouldn't see her. She isn't beautiful anymore. No. Just dead. I'd better phone the police. Wait, Simon. You know this thing started with Francis Blake being dead. But it wasn't Francis Blake. It was another girl. And then someone else got killed. Olga. Still not Francis Blake. But, Simon, the next time, do you... Do you think maybe it will be? Come on, boys. Let's get out of here. Good night, Samuel. Good night, Lieutenant. Thanks for dropping home. And exit Olga, exit police. Francis. Yes, Simon. You better go to bed. I'll stay on. It's almost morning anyway. Oh, I couldn't sleep. Would you like me to fix us some breakfast? I say, that's not a bad idea if you feel up to it. I don't know how I feel. You stay right where you are. Won't take me more than a few minutes. All right. Okay, that's all the sound you're going to make, sister. The gun's loaded. If you've got ideas about yelling for help, remember this. Bullets get to you quicker than help. Let's get out of here by the service door like I come in. But, Simon... The boyfriend, you'll write him a letter from where you're going. if you're lucky, sister. And I hope you're lucky. You're too pretty to enjoy dying so quick. Hey, Francis, what are you cooking? Steak? Francis! I don't intend to oversee your cooking, but... Francis. Francis! Oh, here she is, Mr. Barker. Yeah. Nice work, Jack. I want to know what this is all about. Yeah, I bet you do. You and me both, Betty. What did you do with the stones? The stones? Yeah, yeah. The chorus girl's delight, the old man's charm, the stones. Oh, you mean jewels. I don't have any. Maybe not on you, but you're going to tell us where they are, won't you, baby? Suppose I don't know. I wouldn't care to believe that. Well, you'd better start because I don't know. All right. I'll start not believing you. Jake. Yeah? I don't believe her. I don't think she's behaving right. You don't, huh? I don't. Okay, Mr. Barker. What are you going to do? I'm going to slap you around a bit It's going to hurt you more than it hurts me, too Oh, no, you can't Want to bet? Hold it, hold it a minute, Jake I'll get it Yeah? Barker? Who are you? Simon Templer You've got Francis Blake there, haven't you? It's your phone call You must have Listen, if you don't hurt her in any way I'll get you the stones you're looking for She doesn't know where they are Matter of fact where are the stones The Carter Cleaner Shop Look don hand me that We already been through the joint But you didn know where to look Yeah That could be a deal Okay. But your girlfriend will be under a gun all the time. First funny move and she gets it. No funny moves. We'll be seeing you. Okay, Jake. We're going visiting. Maybe we'll trade in a babe for the stones. If the stones are handed over. If they ain't, we'll just trade her in. Good morning and... Oh, you were here last night. That's right, Mr. Maxon. I was looking for a plaid coat. Plaid? Yes, maybe it would be here on this rack. Oh, it wouldn't be there. You see, this rack is for dresses. And this is for last night. Sorry to have upset you, Mr. Maxon, but company's coming and I've got to set the table for them. Joint looks clean. No blue uniforms around. Park it, Jake. Okay. Here we go, baby. I can walk by my... Yeah, I know, I know, but I enjoy your company. Simon! Hello, Francis. You Templer? That's right. Simon, I... Hey, stay next to me, sister. I better just lock the door so we won't be interrupted. All right, where are the stalls? Yeah, they're in the place here. They must be. I don't like the sound of that. It could be a stall. What's that? Mr. Maxson, he fell down while he was pressing some suits or something. Yeah? Get up, Maxson. Come on. What? Oh. Oh, hello, Mr. Barker. Hello, rat. Oh, you don't have to talk that way, Mr. Barker. I can't help it if the stones were stolen from me. If the woman double-crossed me. This babe here? Yeah. Why don't you work her over, Mr. Barker, and her boyfriend? After all, they're the ones who killed Olga, aren't they? It was a narrow part. Never mind Olga. I like the kid. I sent her out the job. She got it. Business, you got to cut your losses when you have to. I still want the stones. Are you? They are here. They have to be. Then find them. I've looked, but they're hidden cleverly. You sound like a guy up a tree, mister, and in just a couple of seconds, I'm going to cut that tree down. Tree? Hey, wait a minute. Tree? Suppose you wanted to hide a tree so you couldn't find it. Where would you hide it? I ain't interested in hiding trees. You'd hide it in a forest, of course. Therefore, going through the place I noticed... Francis, go through that dress rack. Dress rack? Find a dress, any dress that doesn't seem to belong. Well, all right. I don't get it, boss. Who wants to hide a tree? Get up, Jake. Maybe it's just something. Oh, son, I'm not sure what you mean, but this shop is in a pretty expensive neighborhood. All the dresses here are very good ones, except this one. It's quite cheap, covered with cheap rhinestones. Let me have it. Yes, of course, it doesn't belong here. Why is it here? Because it's a forest. Looks like a rag to me, not like a forest. Then suppose you take another look at some of the rhinestones, huh? Let me have it. Most of the things sewn on that dress are cheap rhinestones, but among them... Are the genuine stones. The ones we've been looking for. Well, nice work, Max. I didn't know anything about it. Somebody else must have done the frame here. No kidding. Wait a minute, Parker. Wait. For what? I'm going to tell you something, Max. No, Parker. You sure told him. Never did like a double closer. Hey, where are you going? Well, it occurred to me you mightn't like witnesses either. What? Francis, stay behind me. Hey, what are you... The testing machine has built up quite a lot of steam pressure. I kicked the outlet pipe off, and it's aimed at you. You better scram, Parker, unless you want to get parboiled. It's getting too hot in here. Come on. You leaving us? Oh, thank God. Yes, Francis, but not for long. The police won't have much trouble picking them up with them all... Forgive me, but I can't resist it. with them all steamed up. Simon, I'm terribly grateful, but I can't resist... Francis. ...asking you what it was all about. Oh. Oh, an intellectual, huh? Well, you see, Francis, Maxson and Barker were partners in the jewelry business. Illegitimate. They worked out a nice idea. They'd use very distinctive clothes left with a cleaning shop as disguises for themselves and their confederates. Oh, and disguises which couldn't be traced because they'd lead back only to perfectly innocent people who had alibis and everything. Right. And the last job they did involved a girl who wore your plaid coat while stealing the jewels. Maxson, however, decided he wanted all the jewels for himself, so he killed the girl and hid the stones. And Olga? He had to kill Olga because she suspected something wrong and came to this apartment because that's where the plaid coat came from. Well, but how did you know that Maxon had killed her? Back in the shop, he said Olga had been killed in this apartment. How did he know that? Because he'd killed her. Oh, Simon, what would I have done without you? The question is, what are you going to do with me? You've been listening to another transcribed adventure of the saint, the Robin Hood of modern crime. Now here is our star, Vincent Price. Ladies and gentlemen, our cast tonight included Shirley Mitchell, Viola Vaughn, Larry Dobkin, Lou Merrill, Tony Barrett, and Jack Moyles. This is Vincent Price inviting you to join us again next week at this same time for another exciting adventure of The Saint. Good night. Tonight's script of The Saint was written by Louis Vittes. The music was composed and conducted by Von Dexter. The Saint, based on characters created by Leslie Charteris, is a James L. Safier production and is directed by Helen Mack. Vincent Price is soon to be seen co-starring in RKO's production of His Kind of Woman. All you Saint fans will be glad to know that the Saint comic books are on sale at all newsstands. Your announcer is Don Stanley. Programs, get your programs here. Tomorrow night, tune here for Nightbeat. Hear the unusual tales uncovered by reporter Randy Stone as he searches Chicago after dark for human interest stories. Tomorrow night and every Monday night, hear Nightbeat, and then stay tuned for the first piano quartet. Next, Sam Spade cuts a caper, then Rose Bampton sings on NBC.