THE VALLEY: Rollercoaster of Emotions

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Put your brand in it. Learn more by visiting acast.com slash Advertise. I'm excited. We're never together without our children. No. It's so fun. Okay. They were back. They were starting to say hi to us. I didn't see them. I'm focused on being with you in the world. There's nothing else. I feel like you're a little critical of each. No, Bill. And it's like performative. What a boring. Literally, this is how my natural demeanor is without children. I'm always with kids. We're not doing that. We're not doing that. But what do you want to do? What would you like to do? What is on the road, sir? With you. Whoo. Baby girl, you're on a roller coaster with that man. That demon, Danny, I do not care for him. Hello, everyone. Welcome to Everything Iconic with me, Danny Pellegrino. I hate to say that you're here with Danny Pellegrino because we're also going to be dragging another Danny. I hate to even share a name with that man, the guy from the valley, who is just the worst. I mean, speaking of four under four, Nia's got five under five five because that little man is basically a child himself. He can't even hold the baby. They were on a train. She was trying to eat a burrito. She's got the baby strapped to her chest. He's getting a massage from Luke and he's like, I'm going to get coffee. She's just trying to shove a burrito in her mouth to get some lunch in her. And he's not even helping the baby. And then he's complaining and he needs to go get a coffee. Then he's, then he was complaining. There was one point in the episode where he had to put the baby down and he's like, I need a swaddle. I got a swaddle. I'm like, go get a fucking swaddle yourself. Figure it out. What do you mean? Like you can't, she was trying, that was another time where she was trying to eat a sandwich. She's trying to get nutrition when she can because she needs nutrition so she can feed the baby because she's breastfeeding the child. So she does need the food to replenish her nutrients. And then he's coming in and saying, I, where's the swaddle? I can't do this. Baby, he's waking up without a swaddle. It's like, guess what, Danny? You should know by now you have three other kids. You should know that you swaddled the baby and anything. You could find any old blanket or anything. Like it's not like you need the halo sleep sack swaddle or whatever the fuck it is. It's like you just find something, swaddle the baby, figure it the fuck out. I'm so mad. I'm mad as hell. I'm mad as hell, that man. We're going to talk about the episode. I know we didn't cover the valley last week and here's the thing. I'm overstimulated. I'm very, so apologies in advance, in advance, beginning of the episode, first few minutes, I want to just apologize. I'm overstimulated. They are doing construction in our backyard. So I'm trying to record this episode on the brief break from construction in the backyard. They've been jackhammering. I got 11 month old jackhammering going on. I'm on the brim. I am on the brim. I've lost my sparkle. I am definitely getting my sparkle back. I need to get my sparkle back because it is gone because I am on the brim of freaking aunt because it's just a lot. It's a lot. Jackhammering and it's a brief break. I don't know how long they're on. It's going to be on a break for. I don't know how long this jackhammering is going to take. I'm losing my brain. And not only that, it's like we're trying to, we can't even go outside with the baby because there's so much like chaos construction in the backyard. And I feel like there's, I'm scared of all like the dust and particles and everything, which maybe is crazy of me. Anyway, I don't have the baby here with me now. Matt's got the baby, so that's good. But we're going to talk about the valley. Again, I apologize last week we didn't cover the valley. I thought I was going to get to it, but here's the problem. The show was so, how do I say this? It was so bad last week. It was so terrible last week that I knew I would get to it late. And then I was like, I don't want to cover it because it was just kind of depressing. But I do want to say that last week we haven't even gotten a chance to really dive into this. I might have mentioned it briefly on the summer house recap, but there are reports that Michelle, who I'm loving Michelle this season, to me, she's like the stand up bright spot of the season, Michelle. She, it was revealed there were like pictures of her paparazzi photos of her holding Dr. Dr. Dracean. She's dating Dr. Dray. I guess. I mean, we haven't gotten any confirmation. They have been asking the other cast members. I've seen interviews. Like Janet was on Watch What Happens Live. Kristen was interviewed. People are like, what's going on with Michelle and Dr. Dray? And they're all trying to, they're all kind of playing coy. I feel like they know, but they're not telling us they know. And so we're not getting any answers. And it's like, I need someone to mic the fuck up with Michelle, get back to film and edit it into these episodes because they're not hitting for me this season. It's actually too depressing to watch this show. And I'm sorry to say like, I, okay, I'm, again, I apologize in advance for this episode and I'm going to be complaining. And I am sorry about that. I know a lot of people, they don't want to tune into me complaining for an hour, but I can't help myself this week. I have literally no choice. Like I wish I could shut my big fat mouth and not complain. But unfortunately I just can't. Some weeks I just can't do it. And it was either take another week off from the valley or come on the microphone and complain. So I chose the latter. And so I'm going to just say that I love children. Obviously, love seeing the kids love seeing kids. I'm a new father. I, I, if anyone can relate to what's going on to the valley, I feel like it should be me because I had a child the same time as Danny and Nia and Kristen and Luke. They're all literally a week apart. Literally they were born. So I should be watching this and feel relating. I should feel like I'm relating and enjoying it. But instead I feel like I'm watching hell and it's so depressing and sad. And if anything, I think this season, a lot of people are saying, oh, this season's a good, a good example of birth control or watching it is like birth control. Right. But I actually think watching it is a case for longer parental leave from work because they started filming three months after these kids were born and they shouldn't be. They should have gotten an elite. They should. And this goes for all professions because I think this is a shining example of what it's like to go back into the workforce after just a few months off after having a newborn and you're, these women are going through postpartum. And so they shouldn't have to get back to work because I'm feeling bad for the gals on this show. I feel bad for Kristen and Nia. I feel bad for the babies having to film at all these events. I mean, how many events are we going to have to see the baby? They remember they went to that nineties night and Nia had to bring the mom and the baby had to sit on the sprinter van. Then Brittany had the pool party. All the kids had to go, I don't know, they sent the babies up to the attic with the nannies and they had to go because Nia and Danny had to film. Then we have the baby having to go on a train to San Diego. It's like that baby, are they a paid cast member? Cause at this point, the baby's going on all the events, the baby should be getting paid. So I don't think Bravo's loosened up the purse strings for the baby. So they maybe should have pushed filming a few months. And in general, I think parents need longer time leave because you just birthed and had a child brought into the world. And so to have to go film three months, not only that, it's like the audience, we don't, I hate to say it. I don't think the audience is really interested in seeing all these babies going on these events. And this, the fact that the cast, the cast trip this week, I know they just, it's like the mini cast trip going to San Diego, but it's, it was pretty depressing to me that it's like a half of them aren't drinking. Like Brittany's doing the mommy makeover. So the doctor said she can't drink. Not that that stopped her in the past. Now that a doctor hasn't told her to stop drinking the past, remember on Vanderpump rules when she had the ulcer and then they went on the cast trip and she just started boozing like a, like a, I don't know, a booze hound, basset hound. What if it was to basset hounds booze? Is that a thing? I don't know. But she was boozing like a basset hound over in that cast trip. I think they went, was that the Hawaii trip or something? I don't know. Um, but so she's not drinking because of that. Then we have a Lala, of course, doesn't drink. She's sober, which is great. Support. Wonderful. Me and Kristen aren't drinking. It's like, I don't think anybody wants to be on this cast trip. It also like, I'm sorry to say, like if I, and again, I have a baby, so I understand and I'm empathetic to these women who are doing it for work. But if I was doing a cast or a friend trip with a group of friends, I don't even want them to bring their babies. And I know they don't want me to bring my baby. If you're doing a friend trip, it's like, you got to get away from the baby. Like it just ruins the vibe of a trip. And again, this isn't on Kristen or Nia or whatever. Cause I understand they're working. They're working. They're single moms who work two jobs, who love their kids and never stop. In the words of Reba McIntyre's theme song. And Nia is essentially a single mom because that. And there, there are single moms. I mean, I know they're married and or engaged, but like they're single moms because these men aren't really stepping up to do much. It seems from what we're watching. And so, and then they have to go on this cast trip, but it's like, it just ruins the vibe because it's like, they go to the music park and it just feel like they're taking the vibe down. It's not their fault because they're having to take care of these child's or children, child's children. See, I'm all worked up. I can't even get my words right. So I feel like they shouldn't know anyone who in the audience wants to watch. Like I know the cast members don't want to be on this, a friend group trip with babies. Uh, and then certainly if they don't even want to do it, why would I want to watch it? I don't want to watch that. And again, I'm happy and I'm not trying to say anything about their parenting, except for the men because they're not parenting well. Uh, but for the women, I know they're just doing their best, but this is why they should have taken some extra time off and I don't know. I feel like, you know, she nodoged a bullet. She, no, she, she, she, you know how she said, she, I, I guess like the thing was. They wanted her, but then they didn't want her. And then I think they were maybe punishing her for not, she was supposed to be on the valley and then maybe they were punishing her for the book or something. I don't know what exactly happened, but she, she dodged a bullet and the show should be, uh, backing up a truck into her driveway for some money for next season. I'm sorry to say, no, a lot of people hate Sheena. I get it. But wouldn't we have rather have watched the fallout between her and Brock after the Brock cheating scandal was revealed in her book, not to mention she has a built in feud with Lala. So that would have been more interesting. Not only that, it would have been better for these women, for Kristin and Nia and, uh, these moms on the show, because the focus wouldn't have been solely on them to bring the storyline for the season. Cause all we've been focusing on this season is the postpartum journey of those two. There's not really a whole lot else going on. Bullshit storyline about Schwartz pretending to date, even though he's dating that girl who we finally met this week. Uh, and then what else? Do we have anything else? Michelle doing some cartwheels. God bless. I did love the scene with her and Lala at the end of the episode where they talked about their parents, but other than that, it's like what have her doing cartwheels at the gym. And so we would have had a major story arc with the Sheena stuff. And instead they didn't want to cough up the money, loosen up the purse strings. And so we're getting this postpartum journey, but it would have, it would have had less pressure on Kristin and Nia because I would imagine Kristin's been on reality to be long enough. She must have felt the pressure of even though she's three months into motherhood, she's like thinking, okay, I got to deliver for the show. I got to do something. So they can tell these cast members who've been on these shows for a while, they can tell when like things are flopping. There's nothing going on. It's boring. And so you have to step up in certain ways. And so it would have been a little bit of a relief for them, but instead that we're not getting Sheena Shay, but so she dodged a bullet by missing this season, but the show needs her, I think, or they need something else going on. Because, oh, then we, yeah, we could have been enjoying adult trauma. That's about like infidelity with her and Brock, you know, or I hate to laugh at that, but I'm laughing at the fact that it's like, that'd be more enjoyable than having to watch the postpartum journeys, which I'm empathetic towards, but it's like a tough watch on TV, I think. Okay, did I get off off my chest? Are we talking enough about the Dr. Dravet all? I don't understand that you guys like what, what the fuck? Well, what the fuck? What's going on? Anyway, let's keep it moving. So let's keep it moving. We open speaking of let's keep it moving. Let's keep it moving. We open with just a montage of all the people. So we saw Lala and Socea at home. We saw Michelle with Isabella at home. We see Tom Tom. Schwartz is behind the bar. I don't understand. Did you guys see so pump closed? And then did you see they moved the Tom Tom? Or they moved the pump sign to Tom Tom. So now I think like Tom Tom, and I haven't been by it in a while, but they put the pump sign on Tom Tom's, but it's like, what effect does this mean? All these business, I'm noticing it a lot happening actually, because did you notice these businesses that go out of business? Then they team up with another business. It's happening with Bed Bath and Beyond. They're like teaming up with the container store. And so there's these container stores now that say Bed Bath and Beyond on the, it says container store and Bed Bath and Beyond. Or if you go into Staples, let's say party city. And you're like, wait, is this Staples or party city? I went into Macy's the other day. Macy's got Toys R Us in. Toys R Us went out of business, but you go inside of Macy's in the children's department and there's a whole section that says Toys R Us. It's like, well, where am I? Why don't, where am I? And that's what's happening with Pump and Tom Tom. They're trying to do these like crossover stores. And I don't know. It's because they're all flopping. But so does that mean I'm worried. I think Tom Tom, it'll close, right? Probably, probably. I'm sure sir would close. Like they're hanging on by a thread there. I feel like even in that new season of Vanderpump rules, it was like clear. Nobody goes there no more. And the only people in there were like the crew. They can't even get extras in that place at this point. So I'm worried about all these places. I'm worried about the Tom Tom, but Schwartz is over there. He's with this Kiana. Am I saying that name? Right. They met at Schwartz and Sandys. And I would look, I have been, I've been loving Schwartz this season on the show. I, maybe that's not a popular opinion. I like his sort of goofy demeanor and his lightness. So I just want to say that up front before I say to this gal, Kiana, like girl, what are you doing? What are you doing? Girl, what are you doing? Kiana, what are you doing? What are you doing? I, and I'm not someone who I'm not. Gosh, how do I say this? I'm not like a big age. Uh, the age gap thing. I understand. I think sometimes people take it too far. I think when you're an adult, she's obviously 27 years old, so she's not like an infant that you can't make a decision by yourself. However, uh, it always comes back around a Bravo and I always say this on the show, but like Patty Stanger, my arch nemesis for millionaire matchmaker, she once said that anything over 10 years, it's going to be much more difficult in relationship. And so Schwartz is 43 and she's 27. That's like a, that's like a big age gap. It's going to be tough. So I'm not saying it can't be done. Uh, but do I think it can be done with these two? Certainly not. And so she approached him and I also think it goes back to the thing I was saying on the podcast a few weeks ago where like the rest of development with these men on Bravo, it's like, this is a prime example of what I was talking about because Tom Schwartz is on this TV show and God bless them, but she's a 27 year old model. She's stunning looking, uh, stunning, stunning with those glasses, those, all that glasses work she was doing. What the fact that was about, but that's neither end of there. The point is she's stunning and she went up to Schwartz. It was revealed in this episode at Schwartz and Sandy's. She went up to him to flirt and now they're dating. And it's like, this is why all the men are in arrest development because all of you people, all of you young gals out there, you young models are going up to Tom Schwartz and you're hitting on him and then you're dating him. It's like, are you kidding me? Right? Kiana girl. This is what's, this is what's going to keep these men in arrest development. Cause now Schwartz at 43 years old things like, Oh yeah, look, I could just get some gorgeous 27 year old model to come up to me at a bar. So it's like, it's like, that's what's going to keep them in arrest of development. Cause as soon as this doesn't work out, Kiana wakes up and realizes maybe it's not the best situation for her or if something happens between them, I'm, I should be optimistic and root for them. But if something happens in this relationship, Tom's going to be what? 44, 45 and think, Oh, well, last time I was just sitting at a bar and some 27 year old model came up to me, probably because she knew him from the show, obviously. And then he's going to think he could just keep doing that. And that's what keeps men like him and chef and all those Southern charm guys. Austin, that's what keeps them at the bars. Keeps them at thinking they could just hook up with anybody and it keeps them acting like a 27 year old themselves. And so it's like, they're never going to grow up. I don't know, but maybe he could grow up if, if it works out for them. I know, I feel like that was such a pessimistic take. I'm sorry, Kiana. She's stunning. I didn't understand the glasses and Zach sort of shaded it and this confessionals, but it was making me laugh. But, um, let's see. So they're at Schwartz and Sandy's before even Kiana. I don't even think she arrived yet, but the other ones arrived. Brittany arrived in a Canadian tuxedo. Things are yucky in Kentucky, gum shoe. A lot of times I'm like, what is Brit bananas wearing? I don't know. Um, but she is beautiful gal. And she says she's getting the, her words, titties out and she's not doing any booze because she's got the mommy makeover. And they showed a flashback to that doctor who I already said I hated because he was talking shit about Brittany when they were there or about Kristen. When they were there. Now he's pissing me off even more because in the flashback to Brit bananas at the doctor's office, he's like, okay, we're going to lipo those flanks. And I'm like, excuse me, I beg your pardon. No one should be using the term flanks to describe any part of my body. I would literally do a citizen's arrest if I was Brittany and a man grabbed my side or back fat and said, uh, I'm going to get rid of these flanks. I'd say, sir, you're locked up. I'm locking you up. It's a citizen's arrest and you're on candid camera because we got a camera crew. And so a court of law would probably find that, um, to be, uh, a normal reason to be locked up because there's no reason that you should be grabbing my side and calling it a flank. That's not, I don't think that's a medical term. Any doctors out there, can you confirm to me? I don't think that's a medical term. So if anything you could say, oh, I'll lipo your, your side, uh, femur or whatever the fuck it is. I don't know. I'm not a medicinal. I'm not a person who knows the body. I just don't, but I know it's not called flank. I don't think it's called flank. Can somebody confirm or deny that? And so for him to just grab a part of her on camera, on camera and say, oh, I'm going to lipo those flanks. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. The, that man wouldn't have made it to the surgery because he would have been locked up and put in jail or, or six feet under or something. I'd be pissed. I'd be pissed. That's the point. Uh, then Zach and Janet made up at this table. They're sort of sitting there making jokes. And it was funny to me, like Janet was really pushing, Janet actually, this is not going to be popular at all. But to me, Janet was like the comic relief of this episode. That's right. I said it. I said it because she was being funny with the whole Zach thing. And then even on the train, she was like trying to annoy Kristen and Nia. And it was working like, and it was making me laugh because she's just trying to be besties with Zach. And they sort of made up a couple. Was it last week on the show? She had that peace pipe with Kristen and I thought that was like a good sign. But then Kristen said, I think this week on the show that it wasn't actually a peace offering. They were just wanting to get high. They were just wanting to get stoned. And look, I feel the same way watching the show. I'm like, I can't watch the show sober because it's so depressing. I'm like, somebody used to light up a, a joint with me because I can't watch this. Take notes and have to watch these people. I need something to calm me down. I feel like I need a joint right now. I'm getting so worked up talking about these people. Again, I'm very overstimulated. So if I sound a little extra, that's because I've had lots of coffee and there's been jackhammering for like three days straight outside of my window. And I'm going to lose it. Um, okay. So what else? Well, Zach, uh, though, oh, Keanu arrives with Rachel who, or I guess our friend Rachel, who looked very, they look young. I mean, Keanu looks older, but Keanu sits at the head of the table with the sunglasses on and she says she goes back and forth every other week. She's like, I travel a lot and then I go to London on Monday. She was kind of doing a lot, but it was her first time filming and I imagine it's like stressful and I don't want to judge her yet because we barely know her and again, she's stunning. And I want things to work out with shorts because I like him. I've been liking him on the show and everything. I just, the reason I am tough, the reason why I'm tough, you guys, is because we've been watching Bravo for years. How many years, 20 years, maybe. And so I feel like I've learned some things about human behavior over that time. And so it concerns me because I could see the writing on the wall and the writing on the wall is saying, she's fucked. That's what it says. It says it in big magic marker. It just on my wall, it says she's fucked. Keanu is fucked. And so that's what I'm concerned about. Um, okay. So then she's, yeah, Zach talks about her sunglasses. Tom and Keanu go to the bar and I guess like the seats at the bar are really low. And Tom mentions a phone book and obviously she was not even around when phone books were around, but Tom says he's crushing hard. And you know, her sunglass work was reminding me of Nicole Kidman and practical magic, which they're doing this sequel soon. I cannot wait for it. I cannot wait. Um, but if you watch the first practical magic, it is so much sunglass work. So much by Nicole. There's this one scene that is actually my favorite scene where she's talking to the, one of the Sandra Bullock's daughters in the movie and she just keeps grabbing her sunglass and she lowers them on her nose. Then she lifts them up a little bit. She's talking about love. She's giving this like great monologue about love and all this stuff. And it's so beautiful. Um, that yeah, it just makes me so happy to watch. And so I'm really thrilled about it. Um, but it's, I guess that's what's Keanu doing. Let's take a quick break here. I'm losing my train of thought. I'm going to, um, come back. We're going to come back. Thank you to a cast and we'll be right back. Welcome back to Costa coffee's iced coffee forecast here to update you on the week ahead. Today, there'll be unexpected adventures moving in from the West with high chances of bumping into friends and conversations that go on longer than planned. 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Where a cast where that introduction happens as the world's largest podcast marketplace, we let you browse shows, see who's listening and book host red sponsorships or run your own ads all from one platform. Transparent pricing, real time data, complete control. Start advertising on podcasts by visiting a cast.com forward slash advertise. And we're back. Okay, bitch, let's gossip. Okay. So then we have Chris in the costume shop in Hollywood and I did buy a groundlings wig here once. So I do recognize this place, but Lacey shows up. So does Nia with the baby. And she had to put a blanket over the baby to not see the demon costumes. So like she walked in the, the, the blanket was over the baby stroller. And I thought like another place that the baby don't want to be is on camera at this costume shop. Baby had to go to nineties nights, sit on the bus costume shop, Brittany's pool party where they tossed her in the attic. It wasn't the attic. It was just the upstairs, but it makes me laugh thinking of just like Brittany, sending everyone upstairs. Cause I just, that was last week on the show. She's like, okay, all the kids go upstairs. And anyway, then I guess they're buying some costumes for the men because they're going to be doing some pageant thing. I don't know. It was, Lacey was talking to me about Michelle, but I was so distracted that I don't even know what this was also like very overstimulating to me. Those, any sort of costume Halloween shop, there's a Halloween shop. It's called like creepy Halloween that I always drive by and it's like still open year round. And you know, I'm the biggest holiday junkie in the world, but the truth is that Halloween shop, I'm like, who's going there in May? Like, what is that about? How did they stay open? I don't get it. You don't get it. Um, but then they pick out costumes. The man, uh, they friend Lacey, Kristen and Nia won't speak to Janet, but they're being friendly with Lacey. And I don't like this. I don't know if we talked about this in the show already, but I don't like when they're trying to push out Janet because it's like they cast Janet. So you have to like figure out a way to film with Janet. But it seems to me like they're trying to like push Janet out and they're like, Oh, maybe Lacey will take her spot. It's like, I don't, I don't like that. At least Zach is seemingly trying with Janet and they're having like a fun little, uh, tip for tat those two. But like with Kristen and Nia, I'm like, you guys have to film with her. It's going to make the whole audience side with Janet. You know, and we're, it's, you know, just go film with her. It's a transparent to me, but Lacey, I guess she's going to be around Michelle's house. Then we have them all getting ready. We see Zach's apartment, him getting ready. There's his gay flags everywhere. Then it's Santa Clarita. Ah, Danny's getting ready. Only got the rip jeans. He's only got ripped jeans. He's like, Danny, could you please just don't, just don't pack your ripped jeans. I'm going to pack my ripped jeans. It's like pack anything else. Danny, I hate that man. He's just like really tough to watch on the show. But Kristen's mad that Zach is flip flopping with Janet. Kristen said the peace pipe wasn't a peace pipe. Then they all get on this train. I didn't even know they could. I didn't even know Kristen shows up to the train. Oh my gosh, I've never been here before. This is so cool. Things are yucky in Kentucky, gum shoe. She was so excited to be on. She was excited to be on the train. And I like a train actually, but I didn't even know. I didn't even know there was a train to Sandy. It got driving to do this. Sandy was not that far of a drive anyway, but so I feel like going on the train and everything, maybe it helped because they had all those people and the kids. Or maybe Bravo just, this cast is so large. Maybe they just didn't have any money in the budget for like a plane or a car service. So they were like, get on the fucking train. We're not paying for all your asses to go on a Sprinter van. So get on the train. It's much, much cheaper. Nia's got the baby on the chest and I don't understand. Like, so if Nia's breastfeeding, she's got a breastfeed, a three month old, you got to breastfeed every two hours they got to eat, right? So if Nia's doing that, I'm seeing too much footage of Nia holding the baby when she's not breastfeeding. So what I mean by that is like, fine, Nia breastfeed when you need a breastfeed. But then if Danny's around, he should be holding that baby's ass while you're relaxing because in a half hour, whenever the next feeding is going to be, you're going to have to hold the baby. So when I'm seeing her get on the train and she's holding the baby on her chest, I'm like, shouldn't he be doing that? Like, I don't understand. Not to mention they also have the babysitter, which it seemed like that's what Danny was mad about. It was like, oh, we have a babysitter. Like, why should I be doing anything? And then, yeah, like hold the baby. He can't do anything though. But again, the baby's ruined the vibe of the group trip. I'm sorry to say that. It's not going to be popular. I know parents are going to get mad at me, but I love it. We love kids, but it's a group trip for these people, 30-somethings. Kristen and Luke brought a friend for the baby. Kristen's an anxious traveler, which I get. They flash back to some of the VPR trips she's taken and now she's got a baby, which is like, if you're already, I'm an anxious traveler too. And we haven't gone on a plane with the baby yet. And I'm scared too. I know people, I sort of think we missed that window where people say it's easier pre-one or it's easier when they're just not moving around. And now we're past that. So we're fucked. But I'm an anxious traveler. And so the idea of like getting on a plane, I just think about everything that could go wrong. I think I worry, what if the baby starts crying or what if the baby, uh, what do we do? It would make me stressed. And so we just haven't gotten on a plane with the baby yet. But so I understand Kristen. I'm on Kristen's side with that. Um, but meanwhile, as Nia's holding this baby and trying to eat a burrito, this is when Luke is giving Danny a massage and Nia's, I don't even think Nia wanted the burrito. Here's the thing. I talked to a Kristen on the show a few weeks ago, trying to eat a burrito with the fork. And I think that Nia probably chose a burrito because she could do it one handed. And I want Nia to stop having to do things one handed. I want Danny to take the baby so Nia could eat the burrito, not just sit there and get a massage from Luke's ass, like hold the baby so she can eat a burrito. And then if you want, she can, then she can maybe hold a baby or something. But it's like, why can't you even hold the fucking baby? You're a baby. While she's eating a burrito. It's just like, it's so frustrating. Janet's rallying them all up though. She said she's planning a birthday party for Zach. She offers to hold Zach's baby. She's like, I'll be your baby's uterus. And she's just doing this to piss off Kristen and Nia. And I think it's working because they were on that. They look like they need a cigarette. Kristen was running around that train, like looking for a marble light. I just know it because she was fired up. She's already anxious. She's got the baby. She's on a train. And so she is here in Janet trying to roll her all up with Zach. And she's here in Zach kind of go along with it. And Zach was sort of shaking his boots a little bit because he could tell that Nia and Janet or Nia and Kristen could hear that he was talking to Janet. And you could tell he was like worried about, he's like, ah, fuck, ah, fuck. Um, but anyway, then they get to the San Diego house, which this was depressing me too. It was like, they're all in three different houses. They sent the parents in one house, like the moms with the babies in one house. Then they send the lesbians to another house. And Jasmine and Melissa, it's like, why are they barely in these episodes? It's like, I'd much rather hear from Jasmine and Melissa or Zach and Benji. Like let's highlight the gaze a little more. It just is like depressing to me that they're all, they're supporting characters in this and they don't really get why. And I guess the argument, and this is, I think I said this on the pockets before. I, this is why I would love to see, and it won't happen because why would it? On the Bravo network, they rarely feature gay storylines. At least they did this week on Southern hospitality. Um, despite the fact that they have a large gay audience, they very rarely showcase any gay storylines or, or whatever. But I would love to see on the valley, if it is about parenting and that's why we're not seeing much of Zach and Benji or Jasmine and Melissa, then let's get some gay parents on there. And I don't mean, I'm not saying me, I'm just saying, but like in the valley, there's a lot of, I live in the valley and there's a lot of gay parents on there. So it's like that, at least get that in there or something because it's depressing to me that they just kind of edit out the gay people on the show. Or they're like just side characters serving the straight characters. And I, that just feels very 1995 and I don't care for it. Um, I'm complaining about everything today. Aren't I? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I am. Don't, I'm going to get my sparkle back soon. I promise. I am definitely getting my sparkle back. Okay. So Janet's pissing off the San Diego house. Jesse's taking the giant room and Lala's like, hell you are. And then she's like, me and Michelle are, she's like, this is Michelle's trip. We're taking this room. And I thought this was going to like lead somewhere else, but then it, this was like not a feud that led to anything. They were just like, okay, well, then you better get out of the room. And then Jesse's like, no, you get out of the room. But then I don't even think we got a resolution to it. It was just like, okay. Like, what the fuck are we doing? I was having the worst time ever as they were picking out the rooms. It just felt like very bleak and depressing. And then all of a sudden they showed a pickleball court and I was like, oh, fuck. As if I wasn't having a worst time. Uh, then they were like, uh, Danny and Luke were outside and they're like, look a pickleball court. I'm like, I can't watch them play pickleball. If I have to watch them play pickleball, I'm out. Let's see. Kristen, Luke, Danny, and Nia, and the nannies are at the baby house. She has them in the Melissa at the small house and the other one. Then Nia and Danny, we see a little behind the door moment. Nia's like, can you put Adelaide down? He's like, I need a swaddle. And this is what we talked about. Danny's frustrated. He's just so useless. He's mad. The babysitter can't put the baby down. And she's like, it just takes 10 minutes. Put the baby down. He's like, well, you didn't give me a swaddle and she keeps opening my eyes. It's like, okay, well you're the parent. Like, why can't you figure it out? What do you? I don't know. I don't know. You know, the hard thing about watching this is like, I've said this, but with all the baby stuff, it's like the women are expected to do everything. And it's weird being a gay parent because there's no mom in the situation. So you split the duties pretty evenly. Right? But in straight culture, it's like the women are expected and then the men have to do like one little thing. And it's not like they're taking on other traditional gender roles. Do you know what I mean? Like it's not like Danny's going to a nine to five job and Nia's the stay at home parent. Right. And so it would almost like that would almost make a little more sense if like he was going off to a nine to five office job and she was or vice versa because I also think that happens in relationships. But like whoever the stay at home parent is, but that's not what's happening. So they're not in like that traditional gender role. So it's like, he's not doing a nine to five. What the heck is he doing? Some voiceover work or whatever. It seems like she's probably through her media, social media sponsorships, probably bringing in just as much, if not more than Danny is. So then that means he should be picking up some of this lack with the parenting. But it's like he wants to be in that traditional gender role where it's like Nia's the one putting the babies down, feeding the babies, doing all this with the baby. And what is he doing? Like, how is he contributing? Like, what is he doing to contribute to the relationship other than taking his wife out to say in a Clarita place that she don't even fucking want to live because it looks like a Tim Burton movie and making her live there and keeps impregnating her and just wants more and more babies, but then doesn't want to take on any of the work of the parenting. And it's like, well, what are you, what are you, what are you doing? What are you bringing to this relationship? And I hate to say that. Actually, I don't hate to say that. I'm frustrated by that man. He can't even put the baby down for 10 minutes. Meanwhile, Schwartz is afraid of mayonnaise. That was a reveal. That was a reveal for the ages. Meanwhile, they showed it was so funny to me. It was a really quick moment, but Schwartz is like, I'm afraid of mayonnaise. And then they showed a clip of Brittany making sandwiches and she was just like loading them up with mayonnaise. She said, I love mayonnaise. I love me some mayonnaise. And meanwhile, Schwartz is like, I'm afraid of mayonnaise. And it just made me laugh so much. Brittany, I love my Kentucky muffin. Things are yucky in Kentucky, gum shoe. Let's put together that sandwich. I'm on her side. I like mayonnaise. I do call me crazy. Call me Kentucky. I love me some mayonnaise. Um, okay. So Kristen's also, she's wearing diapers. See, this is so depressing. I am empathetic and sympathetic to it. And I think it's so brave of these women to come on here and like showcase the post-partum journey. But I don't, it's tough to watch. It's very, oh, the other thing that pissed me off about Danny. I thought we were done complaining about him. I mean, we're not, but before they, they're getting ready to go to this amusement park and before they go, Danny tells Nia that her hair is frizzy. And it's like, sir, you look like an old shoe in some ripped up jeans. What are you talking about? Nia, the beauty queen wife that you're with, who just gave birth and somehow looks, uh, as stunning as ever. And you're saying something about her hair being frizzy. Like, how about you get the fuck out? She's a stunning goddess and you look like an old shoe. So figure that out. You know, figure that out. They go to the San Diego theme park though. And I, I looked this up cause I thought it was where they filmed the step by step opening. Do you know step by step, the TV show from the nineties of Suzanne Summers and Patrick Duffy, who I did have a crush on as a child, Patrick Duffy. Woo. That was maybe a daddy complex I had early on because Patrick Duffy to me and step by step, that was like a sexual awakening. Um, anyway, that's not the point. The point is I thought that's where they filmed the opening for step by step. Do you know what I'm talking about? Like your dreams got broken. Seemed like I always lost. Will it be the future? Could you pray the cost you won't, will there ever be shaking time around? You know, it kind of had that like, um, gravelly, whoever was singing that theme song had their gravelly theme song in it. I loved in the nineties how they had like, they would do a male and female voices together. So then he would be like, the dream got broken. Seemed like, oh, I was lost. And then the female voice would come in and be like, the second time around. And it was a beautiful thing. It was beautiful, but that's not where they filmed it. Cause I did Google it. At least Google told me that's not where they filmed, but it looked like it. Then they ride a roller coaster a hundred times, which I thought something happened on the roller coaster in the season preview. It seemed like someone didn't seem like Zach got hit with a bird or something on the roller coaster. And then meanwhile I was like, they just showed them right in the roller coaster a hundred times. And I'm like, I don't need to watch these people ride a roller coaster a hundred times. Didn't feel like that. They added a lot of roller coaster scenes and like God bless riding a roller coaster. But like, I don't even want to see myself ride in the roller coaster. Do you know when you ride a roller coaster at the amusement park and they take a picture of you as you're going down the big hill. And then afterwards you can go look at all the screens to see what your face looked like and then you can buy the thing for 20 bucks. The picture, even when I ride a roller coaster myself, like I just go past that. Like I'm not interested in even seeing my face or anything. Like just keep it moving. Just keep it moving. But for some reason on this show, they think we want to watch 45 minutes of footage of Jesse Lally saying no roller coaster and then the rest of them going on the roller coaster. And it's like, who decided that? Let's edit that out. Cause no one's interested in seeing a hundred hours of footage of them riding a roller coaster. Nobody fucking cares. And it just felt like one time would have been enough. And then I think at some point there was like, let's ride it again. It's like, okay, like I know you could edit that out. Like we don't need to know that they ride at a hundred times. Anyway, let's take a break here. One more break and then we're going to come back and got a lot of thoughts about Danny being a nightmare. You thought I was done. Buckle up, buttercup. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. We'll be right back. Find me on social media at Danny Pellegrino. And then I'll see you get my books wherever books are sold. We'll be right back. Keep the cuddles and lose the mess with advantage chewable. 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Danny's being a nightmare. He said he feels like Nia's being a performative. I played the clip at the beginning of the episode and I do think she is being performative. I think Nia and we've known we've talked about this on the pod every season of the valley. She's from the pageant world. I think she's trying to present everything is like perfect. And even like the imperfections she's curating. So she's trying to be like, well, Daniel and I have these troubles, whatever. But she's she's like presenting just enough to feel like it's real. But I think there's so much like darkness underneath at all. And we see little glimpses of it. Like when they're behind the door and they show some and we hear the audio or like we see these little moments and you could tell Nia is trying to keep it together. Not only for herself, but I think also for the TV show there on. But then he's seeing it as like being performative. So I don't think Danny's wrong. Like when he says that Nia is being performative, she definitely is like anyone who looks at this behavior that Nia is presenting on the show, you could tell she's trying to perform the the role of like having it together and letting out just enough to show like little cracks. But that it's because they're on a reality show. But then like she doesn't want like the bigger cracks to show. And that's probably her pageant upbringing. I get that. But she's being extra and he's like you're being performative. But then it's like she he's also being an asshole, which is just his natural way. And so we're seeing like that natural way come out on the screen. But it seems like she hates him, right? Does she hate him? She keeps saying, do you remember me before children? She's like this, I'm just being O.G. me. And I'm like, Nia girl, you just I don't want to say to run out of the relationship, but maybe, maybe I am implying it. OK, Lala tells Danny, oh, this was also really dark sided to me. This was another moment where it was like I heard it and I was like, I got to stop watching this show because Lala over here is Danny and Nia talking about like getting to bed because Danny is like, oh, let's let's have sex tonight or says something like that. And Nia is like, no, the baby's going to be with us in the bed. And Lala's like, the baby don't care. The baby don't don't know what's going on. And I was just like, actually, Lala, like Nia's saying she's not interested in sex tonight with Danny and they have a baby in the bed. So stop encouraging Danny to just like go along with it. Like it's so fucked up in so many ways. Also, it's like the baby don't need the baby's already witnessed enough. The baby's been through enough hell having to go to Britney's attic in the amusement park in the nineties night in the super intervan. And everywhere else that the costume shop with the demons, like there, the baby's been through enough, doesn't need to see Danny having sex with Nia before even I don't even think he's had the bisectomy yet. And so they could accidentally have another baby. And so if you ask me, that man, you need to just go over the pants or something if you're hooking up with that man, because you do not need to bring another child in the world with him with the way things are. Because it seems like you're all you're hanging on by a thread, Nia. You are. And so is Danny. And so is the viewer of this program. And so I don't like that. Lala was just suggesting that I didn't like that. Then we cut to Tom, Brittany, Michelle, Janet and Lala talking about shorts, dating this. Gal. And he doesn't, he says he doesn't want to be an old dad. And so I guess he's saying like they might have kids soon him and Keanu, because she wants kids before she's 30. And he's like, I don't want to be an old dad. Is he 43 now? And right? Is that how old he is? I don't know. But is he going to have kids? I worry that he's just going to have kids with Keanu. Keanu, is that her name? It's a beautiful name. Tom does evoke Aaron, Michelle's ex. And that scared me. And I didn't care of seeing the flashback of that man, because I sort of forgot that he existed. And then I saw those big, buggy spider eyes and I was like, uh-oh, uh-oh. But then, uh, Brittany's, Tom's complaining. He's like, I just don't, I'm worried about love. Like, is love just going to be two years and then we break up two years and break up. And Brittany's like, don't be scared. You're going to end up like me. Then she said, she added at the end. She's like, well, actually I'm a bad bitch and I'm taking her to my house and my son all by myself. I'm good. You know what Brittany's right though, actually, Brittany's a queen. She's taking care of her son all by herself. She's doing good without Jax. She's taking care of the house. People hate on Brit Bananas, but you know what? I love her. I love her. I do. So be it. I love my Brit Bananas. And I'm proud of her keeping it together, getting rid of that deadweight Jax. I'm glad she didn't bring the boyfriend on this cast trip. Although actually the cast are probably needed that man. What's his name? Brandon. I feel like they needed him. They should have had him instead of one of those. They should have brought him as the nanny. He could have taken care of one of those babies. And then we would have gotten maybe some mess. I don't know. I'm not the producer on the show, but I feel like that would have been a smarter decision than bringing some of these other people because nobody's bringing nothing. Then we have Lala and Michelle. They had this beautiful scene on the beach. Michelle's talking about her mom getting sick and then she opens up about losing her mom. It's very sad. And then they end on footage of Michelle's mom. It was very sad. That's it. Like, okay, just from a production aspect, I do think they should have. Re-edited this. Like, I think that Michelle's stuff with Lala, it would have made more sense in the beginning of the episode, but as it was, I'm not saying anything about Michelle opening up about losing her mom and Lala. I thought that was like a beautiful thing to do on television. And I also think it speaks to this age group that they're in in a way that the other shows can't because when you're in your mid to late thirties to your mid forties or whatever, I know a lot of people, my parents are still healthy and whatever, but. I know a lot of people who this is the time where your parents are starting to get older and sometimes getting sick and all that kind of stuff and you're dealing with all of that. And that's happening at this age group. So I feel like that's one of the benefits of showing people at this age. And it's a real thing that happens. So I think it's really great that they showed it on the show. However, after getting such a depressing episode, I don't know that it was the right way to end it because it all just feels so bleak. It feel like watching the show feels really heavy and dark. And I don't understand how they got rid of Jax, who I don't think they need to bring him back. I'm not, no one should say that Jax should come back because we were literally seeing him be abusive on camera in front of his child. Like it was not okay to watch, but I don't understand how they got rid of that. And somehow it's become more bleak of a watch. It's like we need something. I don't know, something aspirational or something funny or nice or something. Because it just feels so depressing. Like I finished the episode. I'm like, God, what did I just watch? Like everything, it was like this postpartum journey, then losing parents. I didn't feel like there was any fun in this episode. Like the only kind of fun spot was Janet rolling up those other ones. And like that was kind of fun. Everything else was so heavy. And it just felt bleak to watch. It felt like, you know, when you watched a marriage story or Blue Valentine or Requiem for a Dream, did you ever watch any of these horrific movies? Like I walked out of those movies in a depressive state. And that's kind of how I felt after watching the Valley. I'm like, this is sad and depressing. Like we need some sort of fun or something. And they were on roller coasters, but it wasn't fun. Like I felt like this cast is just all there together. But like, who are they to each other? Are they actually friends? Where's the something, something light and I don't know. I don't know. Next time the show, Schwartz has a sex dream about Lala. Kristen freaks out at Luke, Janet versus Jesse, Lala versus Danny. I hope Lala lets Danny have it. She does. Give him that, give him that old pop, pop, pop Lala. So let's keep it moving. Make it go pop, pop, pop to the panties, go drop, drop, drop. Whatever you got to do, Lala, because we need something going on in the show. And she is a reality TV veteran. So I'm hoping that Lala steps it up and like gives us what the show needs. Anyway, that's the end of the episode. Thank you all so much for listening. And we'll be back next week. And I'm sorry that I missed one week of the Valley. I'm sorry that I did. You know, a lot of people, I get, I explain what happens on the summer house episodes. I recap, I think this gets confusing to people because if I miss a week, usually like on the other recap, I do all address why I missed it. I'll also talk about sort of the major things that I missed on the Valley or the episode that I missed. And so then I would get a lot of messages being like, why have you stopped covering the Valley? And I'm like, well, I didn't really stop covering. And I just sort of added it to the summer house ones because I didn't do a full recap. And I only missed one week, but I technically didn't miss it because I mentioned it on the summer house recap, do you know what I'm saying? And so I think people get confused. And then I'm like, well, no, I didn't give it up. I just sort of, I mentioned it on the summer house ones. And it was only one week. It wasn't like I missed the whole season. But you know, there's, I got Jack Cameron in my backyard. Like I'm losing my brain. I might miss something sometimes. I'm trying my best. I'm holding on by a thread just like the rest of them on this show. So we're doing our best. So I apologize if I miss. Now I'm just rambling. I want to thank you all. And I'm so grateful to the people out in the backyard in the neighborhood who were doing the Jack Cameron to take this break and allow me to record this episode because I was certain, we made it 51 minutes and I was certain that they would start working again. And I would have to cut this short, but we made a whole episode and they're still not even doing it now. So I want to think maybe they're done. Pray for me. Hashtag pray for D pray for D hashtag pray for D. If they're done, it'll be a great thing. Love you all so much for listening. Did I need to mention anything else? Patreon, if you want bonus episodes, I'm doing sex in the city, recaps over there. I do one a month. So around, you know, later this month we'll do the one for May, but more importantly, the money helps to support this show. So if you donate $4 or more per month, you get access to those sex in the city bonus episodes. And it's patreon.com. Everything iconic. I love you all so much for listening and oh, I want to leave you all. A member I was talking about the, the nun podcast that I see on my TikTok all the time. It's like these nuns and they, they say sister. Yes. And it's like so funny and lovely. And it shows up to my, on my TikTok feed. And now I'm getting other nun content. You know what I'm saying? Like the sisters are just showing up on my TikTok now, which I love. I'm like sister. Yes. But there's this one who gives also advice on the TikTok and she gave some advice and I pulled a clip from it. And I think I reposted her on my TikTok so you can see. But I pulled the clip of her being inspirational. I thought I'm going to play that at the end of the podcast because I think some people miss when I would do the cheesy little cool downs or the inspirational quotes at the end of the episode, which were cheesy, but like, I think we all sort of secretly enjoyed them, right? And so I pulled one from this sister from TikTok and I'll leave you with this because I think it's important to remember. And here's the sister. Good morning, sunshine sister, Mary Jo with today's pitch. Be the kind of person that when your feet hit the floor each morning, the devil says, oh crap, they're up. Oh crap. Something about her accent too. It's a midway. Is that Midwest? Oh crap. I feel like crap. Crap's the swear word of Ohio. That is like the national swear word of the Midwest. Oh crap. Anyway, I love you all so much for listening. Have a great week. Your customer just gave someone 45 minutes of their undivided attention. Not you, a podcast host. They didn't scroll past. They didn't skip after five seconds. They leaned in on purpose because they trust that voice. That kind of attention doesn't exist anywhere else in your media plan and it's available right now. A-Cast is the world's largest podcast marketplace. You pick for audiences. You pick for format from host sponsorships to programmatic. And you get the performance data that proves your budget well spent. The attention's already there. Put your brand in it. Learn more by visiting acaast.com slash advertise. Oh, it's only up to you.