Mermaids with Johnny Pemberton

Changes in sexual performance are more common than most people realize, and support doesn't need to feel awkward. With MedExpress, everything happens privately online. Start by completing a short consultation reviewed by UK registered clinicians. If eligible, treatment is delivered discreetly to your home with ongoing support whenever you need it. You're not alone in this. Visit medexpress.co.uk slash podcast to learn more. And now, the Bonfire with Big J. O'Crossen and Robert Kelly. I love it. We're back. We're back. We're back. It's a great distance. I love it. I love it. I love it. Our guest is here, everybody. He's got a new movie out called Mermaid in theaters right now. It is the hilarious Johnny Pemberton. Hi. Oh, should I broke it? I broke it and I'm short forever. You have to get up and do it. Actually, I kind of like this height, but it's too close to the mic. Do you want us all down there? I'll come back up. Cool entrance, right? You know, we both, Johnny remembers meeting you a long time ago at the Montreal Festival. Me and Johnny's history is we did a pilot together. One of the rare acting things that I've ever done is called Crazy House. Oh my God, that's right. Jeff Thompson directed it. It was in New York. And yeah, you played a mental patient, Nick Turner and Whitmer. The stars of it. And I was the, what's her name? It was a big actress, Parker Posey. I was Parker Posey's like henchman, like guard in the mental asylum. I like Parker Posey. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's a dirty, dirty little girl. She was, you know, it's funny because her characters are always kind of like that. Well, what the hell does that mean, Bobby? Now that I think about it. She's dirty. She seemed pretty clean to me. Yeah. Not that dirty. Well, she was so, she was actually very approachable and like sweet and like everything she plays is usually kind of like a bitchy character. And she was also in that show, like a bitchy character. She's very eccentric in all her roles are pretty crazy. I love. She gave me some lovely food recommendations. Dude, I was at Louis's party and I looked down and she was playing with Mac when he was a baby, just tickling his feet. And I was like, that's Parker Posey playing with my kid. That's how it starts. I just let it happen. Now he's in the Hollywood machine, dude. I'm going to take him upstairs. Johnny's here promoting a new movie, The Mermaid. Or just Mermaid. Yeah. You can call it that if you want to, The Mermaid. The trailer is. There's multiple though. Bananas. Yeah. It's a wild movie. It's super wild. It's really fun. Something for everybody. Right down to the right down to the reviews being from Tom Cigura. That was a my choice. I don't know. Holy shit. Tom Cigura. Tom Cigura just said that one day. Your mom's house likes this movie. Who's at the other screening we did at South by when it premiered. So I think that was why. Oh, it's got words coming out. Were you nervous though when you had, when you, you have to finally premiere the movie in front of you've seen it a million times. Oh my God. So many variations of it. And now you, this is it logged in. You got to play it. Are you, were you nervous that they were going to be like, they're not laughing in the right places? I mean, it's excruciating. I left after about 20 minutes, I think, because I, it's impossible. I think there's some people who can handle that, but anyone, you can't sit there. It's because it's like that thing where unless I had like a tunnel where no one can see me. Right. I can't hear anybody. I just can't handle. Yeah. Beautiful. There we go. Yeah. I can't handle it. It just because it's like, like you're saying you question everything. Like, oh, why did I do that? Why did I do that? You know? Yeah. So you left. I did. I think that's normal. I, we screened it. We screened it at this. We had like a little premier friends and family screening in LA about two or three weeks ago. And I sat through that one because I want to see it on this really nice theater, but it was excruciating. I was so exhausted after that because it was like this, the mental energy of having to like, oh, Bobby can't relate to everything he's in. He stands in the theater under a wall light. I actually stand up. I stand in the middle of the screen and I just point out ago, this is the good part. Oh, who's this guy right here? Who's that? It's bouncing off your head. We did, we did the movie cheat me, burn DeRosa. It's a small thing that was in Tribeca, but we were sitting in the theater and you, I just remember being like, if they don't laugh, this is going to be atrocious to have to walk out of here. But when you get that first laugh where it's supposed to be, it all kind of goes away like, oh, shit, they're liking this. And they actually usually like it way more than you would think they were going to like it. Yeah, also not too. I was like, if they know you're there for sure. That's what it is. Like, if they know you're there, it's like they want to try to like it more. Or they laugh at stuff that is not funny. Right. I don't know. I just don't, I'm done with it. I'm done watching with other people. Is it the closest to a project you've ever been? I think so, yeah. As far as like a big project. That's coming out, yeah. Yeah, because I was, you know, I was there probably 24 of the 25 days we shot on that. Yeah, it was like really close. I mean, it's, I'm going to leave the film, so it's very important to me. Yeah, yeah. I love it. I think it's great, but it's also just, yeah, I just can't, I'm done watching with other people. Yeah. You had a lot of people we know in it too. Yeah. Did you have to cast these people or did you just give them the roles? We, I think some of them are offers, yeah, like with Kevin, Neil and. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. I have a lot of comedy. It's like, it's for being such a dark, seeming movie, it's a very, a lot of comedy people. Yeah, all those, all those guys were so great though. It's like these guys, they're so good in roles where it's not like you're not required to be funny with the, the comedies and like the situation or the, just the way it's edited and stuff. It's not like you have to be like, joking and stuff. And Kevin is so funny in the movie. He also plays like the nicest, most normal guy in the whole film. And who else? Tom Arlen's in it and Kirk Fox. Kirk Fox is in it. Got he's so fucking funny. And Zach Alfenac is in it too, right? We lost him. Yeah, he was on set for a couple of days, but we didn't get to him in time. So he's out. Yeah, he was out. You cut him out of the movie. We cut him out of the movie. I don't like him anyways. I love Zach. That's great though that you got people that it must be, it's nice when you go in and you're working with people that you know and respect. But it sucks when you, if you had to audition them and have to be like, yeah, you didn't get it, dude. I don't think with some of those guys, the parts would make sense to audition them because it's like, I don't know. I mean, I wasn't privy to that, but I'm pretty sure we offered all those roles out. Yeah. Oh yeah. What you're talking about being fucking pivoted out fucking sucks. Yeah, dude, I remember we pivoted out of isn't romantic with Rebel Wilson. Yeah, dude, I got pivoted out of a role. We talked about that a role for there was me. It's my name. Oh, was it? Yeah. Was it Pete Holmes? No, it was the Dane Cook thing where Dane Cook had his best friend, Bobby, from Boston. Not that Bobby. I didn't get it. Oh, that was a funny. It was supposed to be you, right? It was, yeah, it was all based around me and they said, yeah, we're going to go with the other guy. The smartest move I've seen with that was Pete Holmes when he did crashing that he like, even when I read the party goes, I want you to read for this and everything I was like, this sounds like things I've said to Pete. Like this seems like something like a situation. Me and him were in at one point. And then when you go and you find the names on the scripts they were sending out are fake. The original script had like that was me. And then finding out the people who didn't get their parts, though, was hilarious, finding out that Kurt Metzger is being played by Greer Barnes. Like that switch doesn't make any sense. He goes, Greer saying the Kurt things. You can't real curtain long enough to do it. That happens all the time, though, where they have like a real person who's being played by someone who's like more of just an actor, actor. I don't get it. I don't get it. Why? I mean, I guess I kind of do because comedians are kind of like sometimes it's, you know, you have to wake up early for you have to be there. Before noon. Or it's just like a thing where. Well, people who are actually don't think complaining about the thing. Like my complaint always was there when I was on Z rock. The only thing I really was a schedule I had to get up every day for for every week, they shot the show. And I mean, I couldn't have been more vocal. I'm in most polite and they just go with the flow. Non-confrontationally, you know that. But after a week or so, you're like, why am I here at five thirty in the morning? And then we've taken like lunch break before I've done anything. That just seems crazy to me. Yeah. And like that's call times. I'm like, it doesn't make sense to me. I think there's a better way to do this. I was a set butterfly. I love you. I was over early. I'd hang out with a key grip. I go to the props. I jump in with girls. You guys want some. They have a risotto on the crafty. I can get you some. You get on the on the meals for the crew. Oh, I yelled out for helping out the dude carry a box. He's like, yeah, yeah. Local twenty six. Local twenty six. Local twenty six. No. Yeah, exactly. You can't do that. Dub dub. Yeah, you're getting trouble. Maybe I have to sign something. This this movie, though, is so I mean, dude, it's a movie about a mermaid. Like that must be scary to come up with this and to. Think that this is going to work. Well, I didn't write it. Oh, you didn't write it. No, the writer director is Tyler Kornak. OK, he's brilliant. He did a movie before called But Boy, I've guessing that. Wait, I've seen that. Have you seen it? Yeah, Paco's dad was in it. OK. It is the best worst title of all time because of like you just saying. Yeah, it's it's a real movie. It's an indie movie. Yeah, it's on Amazon. It's incredibly funny. It's like just truly. That's not a Tom Cruise flick. There's nothing about it that would suggest the things that you want to say about it. It's actually like a kind of like a thriller sci-fi movie. Super dark, very funny. But that's how I cruise might be in part two, the reckoning. But boy, to the reckoning. But boy, the prolapse, the prolapse. That's three. That's part three. Wet sock. You got to make sure they're into it by then before you start naming like that. The only way to get in is to get out the prolapse. Do you in doing stand up and acting? Do you I've talked to Sodor about this. But I'm Bobby, too. Like you do have to love. Like I don't do it much because I don't. I don't know what to do with myself in the sitting around trailer kind of like, but some people really like it. Like some people are there happy to be there. And when it's over, they go home. Like I'm like by the end of any day I've been filming anything. I'm like, they couldn't possibly need me for anything else. I actually carry a script around that's not real. And I go, I just work on this. It's my thing. I'm running lines with God. I'm just my true. Run him to death. That's what what's his name? What's the famous British actor? You know, people. Tom Hardy. Tom Hardy. The guy everyone does impressions of, you know, the has acting class. I can Michael. Hello, my name is Michael Kane. Yeah, Michael Kane always says that if you're waiting around and you're reading, you're not doing your job right because you should be running your lines like, you know, just like crazy. But I mean, he's kind of right, though. I go to the James Franco School of Acting. Just take acting classes and crush pussy. I'm going to need to eat you out again. I'm sorry. But I said that's the worst James Franco impression. I thought it was here. I thought it was here. I thought Dan was back on the show. I don't know if that's OK. Now, it's not. Was there a lot of improv on the set? OK, did you have was the guy like read my lines? Or was it could you fuck around a little bit? I mean, it was super collaborative because Tyler and I worked together on the character developing it like a lot before we shot. So yeah, a lot of improvising. And I mean, it's just everything. I was working every day. Long hours. It was just it was a long, hard movie to shoot in Florida in the summer, I guess late summer. But yeah, I mean, it was kind of everything, definitely. It was one of those things where I felt like really at the end of it, I was so into the character. I couldn't kind of couldn't get out of it, actually. It's kind of stuck in it a little bit. Really? Yeah. My stupid wife's on a mermaid sucks. Yeah, exactly. Fuck. You taking baths all the time? More just like, I don't even know how to describe it. It's like it's not that interesting really. It's more just, you know, you know, Tom Cruise has become Captain Jack Sparrow. Like he's basically that guy. You mean not Tom Cruise? Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp. What the fuck? Because I don't if Tom Cruise did it, it'd be fucking wild. It'd be great if Tom Cruise did it. It's a real heavy yet. I felt really turned on. I felt Jay's eyebrows go up. What? I just crossed those in my mind. Yeah, how Johnny Depp has kind of become that. Yeah, because it's like he's like an empty vessel. Now he's more comfortable. He's not only a person. He didn't have like a personality and now he found, oh, I'm going to be this guy. Johnny. It feels good just to wear that guy. They say that happened to the entire cast of Sons of Anarchy. Really? It makes sense though. Everybody walked on Sons of Anarchy like, yo dude, we are awesome bikers. Yeah. In Austin Butler, couldn't you not stop talking like Elvis? Totally. We're after a long time. But how much can a regular person deal with that before he comes over and goes, hey, my one over pizza? I go, dude, I can't. You can stop this. Locking. I know you can stop this. Hey man, don't step on my clothes. Stop, stop, stop. That's what I want, man. You're bumming me out, man. Oh yeah, I mean, yeah, actor type's got to be tough. By the way, until you said you taught a school, you're like, who's the British actor everybody has impressions of? And he has a school. And I was thinking Jason Statham before he said school. I'm like, could you imagine if he taught a school? This is how you smash your head into a fucking window. Everyone show me your eye taking this shit face. He plays the same character in everything. It's always just the same guy. Oh god. And it always starts with the something, the occupation. Why you got to be mean to an old lady like that? I know you thought I was just a lonely old house painter. I like tea. Because that surprised you. Leave my bays alone. That movie is ridiculous. What, The Bee, The Bee Hive? The Beekeeper. The Beekeeper. Just so like everything's over the top. Just, oh my god. Did you see it? What, The Beekeeper? No, I didn't know. They shot it in four days. Really? No. They might as well, though. I believe it. They just overlayed different clothes on a different movie he did. He's just the same guy with all the same assassination skills. But he takes care of bees for this older black senator. Yeah, he has to do other jobs once in a while. You got to make honey. Sure, I am a deadly, highly trained assassin. But I also like gardening. It was a surprise. You want to like gardening. Oh, is that the big surprise? He was in the, right? He's one of the, they say they've that ruined the Fast and Furious franchise. Ruined? Yeah, the Hobbs and Shaw. They say that. Well, in fact, when I was getting my nails done today, I was watching a video called the surprising downfall of the rock. So that's how they feel. So far, he's just, his career's over. He's fallen so far. Man, I love when they have like videos like that where it's like, what happened to the rock? It's like, nothing. Nothing. They always have a photo of him looking like he has age. You're like, what happened? Did he get AIDS? Well, there was that one picture where he does look like he has AIDS. But more though, what they expose, it seems to be true from his own filming mistakes on his like social media, is that this guy really loves pissing and water bottles and leaving them around. The rock. Yeah, and having other people deal with it. Are you serious? Yeah. The people who were complaining that they were like, it's this thing on the set movie sets is that, I think it was that movie Red One he did where he's Santa. I think it was funny when the energy of the movie supposed to be like a Christmas romp. And then he said he wouldn't leave set, so he would just piss in like Voss water, or Voss water bottles, talk about that is a dead on stream. That's a narrow top. But it's not for me. It is long though, a whole lot of piss for sure. And it's clear too. It is clear. My dink fence right in it. So, no problem. You slide it in the tube? No problem. Half of it's not piss. That says that there's a PA that has to his job or her job was to empty rocks, pee bottles out. If you can get your dick out pissing in a bottle versus hitting somewhere where you can piss privately isn't ruining the time. As a filmmaker yourself, Johnny, you'd have to agree with that, right? I've taken shits on set. Oh my God. I really have. Your commitment to the role. Took a shit in the desert in Utah during fallout. Oh, I was gonna guess during fallout. So, I didn't shit in a bottle. He just went, wait a minute. He just went. All makeup, full makeup. Oh, this is season one. So before the makeup, yeah. Were you in the robot costume? No, no, no. I was just in like, you know, regular costume. Were you in the robot? Someone's gotta paint that or AI. One of the fallout robot. Were you in the robot? With the squatty potty though. With just quite reading lines. Reading script. But then, yeah, they were saying like, people complaining on the set of the movie. He's like, yeah, and he has like his people or like, PAs have to come like pick up these piss bottles. Which by the way would make me throw up if I had to do that. I had to hold his dick once. Oh my God. I'm sorry. What? I had to hold the Rocks penis on it. Allegedly I had to do that. Okay. Allegedly. That's how I got this. That's how you sell a movie, son. Allegedly he was the Rocks piss handler. He held his penis, which is, that's why it's called the Rock. It's a very heavy penis. Two hands. I bet it is, honey. I bet it's heavy as shit. But then they showed some video in the downfall of the Rock video that I was watching, which to your, you are correct. Not quite as much of a downfall. No, no. They were like, he came and wrestled. Oh, the other thing that's funny is, he has a clause in his movie that caused a problem on Hobbes and Shaw. Is that him and Jason Statham both have clauses that they can't get hurt or lose a fight ever. But both of them had that and they ended the fight. Well, it is a thing though. If I saw the Rock lose to Jason Statham, I'd be like, ah, shit, Jay. Bobby, you're not gonna become friends with the Rock. You don't have to do this every time. We start trashing the Rock and you start jumping on board with them. Because you don't know that we come from the same bloodline. What? What's that? I don't know. Samoan, are they? Samoan? Look at my face. Half Samoan, half Black. I have beautiful skin. It came from somewhere. From Mesopotamia 10,000 years ago, I also descend from the same people who left the Rift Valley. 50,000 years ago. The Rift Valley. Wherever it was, 100,000 years ago. I knew we were in tribal royalty. I knew we, I felt that feeling. But there's a video of the Rock who's working out in a video, one of his workout videos. Yeah, clanging and banging. He's clanging and banging. And then he just pans up from whatever he's filming and you see there's a bottle. Yeah. A yellow bottle. He goes, hey everyone, just getting up early, hitting the gym hard. He goes, oh, I just realized if you were watching that, you just saw my bottle of pee. But that's because I don't have time to go pee when you're training. I just gotta go and just get back to training. It sounds like you like pulling your dick out a lot. Well, here's the thing too, is you spend, he travels with this, it's called the Iron Paradise. He travels with this gym. It's a tent that goes up with all the gym equipment. They have to fly it in on a plane and then set up the whole gym. And if you have that much money, you could put a bathroom somewhere. Yes. You know what I mean? You don't have to piss into a Nalgene bottle and have some poor fucking asshole carry that out. Have someone fly over a porta-potty. I mean, there's definitely ways to handle this that are just pissing on set and being like, P.A., if I picked up a bottle of someone's warm piss, piss, or I've had to do this when Shane would come over when he was before Zinz and he was just doing actual pouches. And someone leaves your house and leaves a half full, a thing of spit. To pick that up and throw it out, it makes me like wretch. Yeah, because it's spit. It's spit with like brown shit in it. It's disgusting. I'd rather pick up P.A. and drink it. What? I don't know what I just said. You don't have to drink it. I know. Oh, that was in the rocks contract. You had a dream. It might be. Jason Statham has to drink it. This guy's got crazy fucking things in his contract. Can you taste? Changes in sexual performance are more common than most people realize and support doesn't need to feel awkward. With MedExpress, everything happens privately online. Start by completing a short consultation reviewed by UK registered clinicians. If eligible, treatment is delivered discreetly to your home with ongoing support whenever you need it. You're not alone in this. Visit medexpress.co.uk slash podcast to learn more. Switch to Plastnet's award-winning fourth fiber from just $22.99 a month. Our sweet deal gets you fast and reliable broadband with no activation fee, with speeds up to 900 megabits. Feels like a sugar rush. Full fiber that's full of value. That's a plus. Offer ends 6th of May. 24 months, 26.99 from the 31st of March, 2027. 30.99 from the 31st of March, 2028. New customers only. 62% UK availability, time supply. Bringing your whole gym with these pretty fucking. Did you see Smashing Machine? Yeah. Yeah, that's pretty cool. I'm sorry. It was, well, it kind of didn't finish the story. Well, cause he's kind of still around the game. And he's doing all right. But it also seems like they wanted to make it a longer movie that was cut down because like it's, when movies happen where like the biggest thing in their life is resolved very quickly, it seems like no. He's like, I have a heroin problem. They go, get off of it. He goes, all right. He just kind of did. There was really not much turmoil getting through it. Yeah, I felt like a documentary kind of. There is a great documentary about him. Really? You're a big wrestling guy, right? Called the Smashing Machine. Mark Curry, yeah. Same name. Yeah, yeah. It's the same thing. It's actually a bad, it's with him. It's actually a pretty good documentary about him. Scary, that's probably a scary thing to make a film out of is a good documentary for it. Cause it's hard to, if a documentary nails it good. And I saw that happen once I auditioned actually for a part in a movie adaptation of a documentary called What the fuck? We talked about it a million years ago. It was something about as a Nazi guy, like a white supremacist guy, getting his tattoos removed. And he's covered head to toe. And he's getting his tattoos removed completely. And he's telling his story of how he got out of it. It's almost like American history X and like a real thing. And he met this girl and the girl was kind of like, was still hanging out with him, even though he's involved in that. But she was just like, what are you doing? Like this is kind of stupid. And then it just turned his life around and got himself like kind of together. And he's telling that story. Then they made a movie of that story. And it's just like, when I saw it when it came out, I was like, yeah, just not as, I mean, it was fine movie, but it didn't like, the fact that it seems like a real true story, like didn't seem like it. A racing hate. A racing hate. No, that was a great one too though. I like watching white supremacist documentaries. White right was great. That's weird. Huh? Why? I'm touching them so much. Well, the one got me, the white right one got me because that was my introduction to Richard Spencer, who is the, let's separate all the races, but clearly a gay gentleman. So clearly. And even in this documentary in particular, he's talking about, he goes, we just got to get rid of like the black people just in a different place than us. And they're just like passed out like 17 years ago. 19 year old boys in suits like behind them, like holding brandy glasses. Well, you have to get rid of the black people, but not that one, keep that one. That month, then dingo. Well, they ask him that one of these documentaries, they say to him, hey, in this eth, because it's like, you could tell like the document, documentarian knew, or feels that same way. So he was like, hey, in this, you know, white ethno state, like is there going to be a gay people? And he goes, sure, as long as they're white. He has standards, Jay. Yeah. He goes, no blacks, but for different reasons. Ouch, am I right? Maybe there's some exceptions. You could probably make an exception. It's like studio 54. All right, next in the white ethno state, this creamy son of a bitch over here, get in here. No on circumcised. Yeah, well, or the turnaround stories are always great in those documentaries. There was a ginger kid in that one too, that was like his party time was on Passover, he goes around, they show him in his house, filling Ziploc bags with rice and anti-Jew propaganda. So we can go like, chuck it in a Jewish neighborhood, people's like steps, like he's delivering newspapers. And then now he's like, belongs to a black church. It's like, the turnaround's always like, there's like an overcorrection always too much. Like, I don't know if you have to go to black church, but you know, I give you a point. That's the only way out of it is black church. Yeah, go to black church. It's so much fun too. I mean, it's like, that's where you should start it. Yeah, yeah, just go right to black church. You guys have fun they are. The mermaid, in the trailer you don't see the mermaid. I think you do kind of, I don't know what trailer you saw, but I think you kind of see a glimmer. But we don't like, is it somebody we know, is the actress? No, it's actually, it's a creature, it's nasty, it's like a scary, it's not a pretty mermaid. So you don't fall in love with it? Well, I think there's like an infatuation, there's definitely like something going on there, but something like, it's not something you'd fall in love with. Sorry, Bobby's very superficial, he's all looks. I mean, I just thought maybe, he could be deeper in that dude. I mean, look, you can love an other mermaid. You definitely can, I mean, you can love anything really. It's funny because people think, True. Can you? There's some documentary from years ago about people who are objective fetishes. And obviously these people are severely traumatized, but this one woman is in love with a fence. She's like fucking the fence. Is it a white people fence? I think it was kind of a white picket fence. She's a racist. At least there's a physical thing she could fuck. How about when the girl who's like married to a ghost, remember we had that story a while back? What? She's like super into a ghost and they have sex all the time. And she's like faithful. Yeah, she gets mad at other people when they stop her on the street and go, hey, Miss, I like your shoes. She goes, excuse me, can't you see my boyfriend standing next to me? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. What happened to her? You know, I always always think about it, like what happened? Those people, something must have happened really bad. When she dies, she gets to meet her boyfriend. I always think of it with like the My Strange Addiction stuff. Oh my God, yeah. But then I think like, again, it bums me out, how much of it's fake? I think a bunch of it's fake. Because there was a girl on there, she was a comic. And it was like, she's addicted to ventriloquism. And you're like, this is just a doofy open mic chick that was doing like, I just saw her around at the time. So I'm like, wow, this is fake. You wanna make 500 bucks? But I mean, they did show the lady eating fucking, no, eating like the ashes of her boyfriend and getting bummed out that she was getting towards the end of the year. Oh, you gotta bring that up. Now, I believe it because she looks like a woman who that was probably gonna be the only guy. So you might as well just keep eating his ashes. I don't think it was gonna be a next guy. How about the come face cream lady? What's that? The lady who puts her husband's come on her face, like serum, like face serum. That works. Well, she's like addicted to it. She has him produce every day for her. Nice. And it's just, that feels fake to me. It feels like they got paid. Probably. Because it's like a joke to me. My wife would only be able to put it under her eyes. Oh, here she goes. Does they're eating her husband's ashes? Oh my God. She has a bag. Does she does it all the way? Here's the thing. She actually has the box that they give you the urns in because I have my dogs and they give you that box in the bag and it comes in that bag and it's, oh, she likes it though. Oh, she shows you. There's like the, you know, when they cremate, there's like kind of some pieces of bone in there and stuff. Oh yeah, some clunkers. Rooting around. Yeah. To be fair. Couple of chunks. You think we're trying to get Parmesan cheese out? Yeah. And sometimes it sticks together. Bust that ball up. To be fair, we don't know what his ashes taste like. Horrible. Well, you might taste like well done pizza. Yeah. I'm gonna hope he's a black guy who died from diabetes. So it's sweet at least. You know what I mean? Take a little bit of that sting off. He is black. Oh my God, he's very black. So you know what that means? The juice is sweet. The berry couldn't be darker. So the juice must be so sweet. You'll notice, Johnny, I aim all of my racial jokes at black louvre for acceptance. As long as he says it's okay, I keep going. Eventually he'll give me one of these, I'll go. And I go, that's all right. You know there's people that think mermaids are real. I guess people that think, you know, everything's real. Well, they actually have. You're looking at one right here. They know. This guy's the sap of the year. I've gone down the rabbit hole of mermaids. Yeah. And they have guys out on boats and they hear the screams of mermaids. The siren, the siren call. Yeah, stuff like that. The fishermen are out in the way out in the ocean and they hear the siren call. They actually, there's video of people finding a mermaid up on the beach and stuff. So there's people that actually think that mermaids are a real thing. They used to think that manatees were mermaids. Fat ones? What, you know those, it's not a fishes, it's like a mammal, right? The manatee. They're ghetto mermaids. They're baddies. Look at fat asses. It's just because fishermen get so horny. You're out there for a fucking once at a time. So you see that, you're like, oh my God, look how beautiful it is. It's a princess of the ocean. Look at that right there. Look at that smooth. If you've had enough coarse lights out on the ocean for a couple weeks, that's gonna, you're gonna fuck that. It looks like me three years ago. Pushing for the pushing. Bobby, it looks disturbingly like you three years ago. Until you said that I wouldn't have thought of that. I have video of me scuba diving. I look exactly like that. Do you have a video of you scuba diving? Oh, I bet that's hilarious. Oh yeah, remember when you had your underwater camera? Yeah. And then destroyed your phone. God, that was funny. Where did you dive? No, he's talking about what we were doing. I got the new iPhone. Was it the Impractical Joker's cruise ship? Impractical Joker's cruise ship, and I got the new iPhone and it said it was, I thought it was waterproof, but it says water resistant. It says water resistant. So the first thing he did was he took a couple, I did a flip underwater, he took a video of it. Yeah. And he pulled it up and we watched it on his phone. He goes, see, it's fine. I go, I wouldn't keep doing that, dude. It just seems like a bad idea. And then he goes, dude, it says it's waterproof. Right in the front, waterproof. And he goes, and we went, and then actually, Nate Bargazzi, just out of nowhere goes, put your money where your mouth is. And Bobby went, oops, like dropped it into the, Christine dove for it, like it was money. I don't even know why. She dove hard for it. She was, oh, I know why. Because earlier on the cruise, Christine was on the top deck and she was talking and doing this with her phone and then she just got to watch it bounce down the side of the cruise ship into the ocean. So she saw somebody else losing their phone again and she dove hard for it. Like a mermaid. Did you get it? I got his phone. She got it, but it was destroyed. It didn't bounce, I just threw it gracefully into the ocean. Like deep ocean. Yeah, I got it, it went in, it went in. I was like, okay. Oh, but it was like bouncing down the side of the, Yeah, I need to say, iPhones are not waterproof. Are they now? They're now are. No, no they're not. I'm pretty sure they are. You know what, Bob is only one way to take it. Shut that thing in a body brain coffee. Yeah, they're definitely, let me just check there real quick. You see, yeah, they're after their waterproof now. I just saw their water, they're totally waterproof now. You should do it. I'd say try it again, dude. You have the newest one, that's the 17, right? This is the newest one. Oh, your gold. Is it orange? I'll wave, yeah. No, it's the purple one. The purple one is just resisted. Those are good too, those are good to tell you once. Yeah, no, I'm not gonna do it on this one. Orange ones up to 100 meters. Bobby spent the rest of the cruise. Literally, Kevin and Lee, everything wants in a while to go check his rice bowl of foam. Which doesn't work by the way, that's some bullshit. Not when the ocean salt water is in, your whole idea was crazy. Well, they should have. It's water resistant, that's sea resistant. I actually watched the video where a guy put it in water. It's this ocean. You watched a video where a thing was different than what happened, happened? I watched a video where it says, finally the new iPhone is water, it probably said resistant. But you're not supposed to, I literally threw it over my shoulder into the ocean. Not even thinking that once you throw something into the ocean, it's hard to find. Thank God, Mermaid Christine was there and dove for it and found it. The fun of being a believer is you get to be so excited when it's proved wrong. It's a fun thing. Like I never believed in the Loch Ness monster. So when they were like, they're looking now, they think it's actually a whale flipping over, it's whale dick. It looks just like that and I go, yeah that made sense. But you, that was like wondrous to you. You were like, there's not a monster, it's just whale dicks. No, no, what do you tell it with the, I never believed in the Loch Ness monster. You believe in aliens constantly? Personally, it's Nessie. That's not the Loch Ness, so bullshit. Oh, it's Nessie. No, I never believed in it. Probably, you believe you see a bog monster over here in New Hampshire? The ocean is so big and so fucked up that they are finding weird shit at the Mariana Trench and stuff, they're finding creatures that they didn't even know existed. Not to say that there's mermaids, but it's fun that you guys didn't do the splash version of this movie. Cause you don't really see it. I'm glad that it's not some hot chick with nice tits that you, it's in your tub. Cause that would be, of course, I'd go get buckets of water and throw it on that too, but it actually looks like what a mermaid would look like. Yeah, it's a creature, nasty creature. Right, that's pretty cool. And the guy I play, he's addicted to Percocets, so it's also, he's in a rough place as well. He's kind of underwater. Please feel nice couple hours a day. Feeling pretty good. And you got a family in it too, right? Yeah, I have an ex and a kid. And your kid knows that you have a mermaid? No, that's not really, they're not really that part of the movie really, you know? It's more like, he's like a loser guy who, he had a kid the first time he had sex. So he's like, it's the worst possible scenario. The first time he ever had sex, he got a girl pregnant and they never got married. And she's with Kevin Nielsen's character. Jacob's hoping for that, by the way. One of our producers is hoping for that. First time pregnancy? Yeah, first time sex, first time pregnancy. Yeah, that's the best. You cross it off the list, you never have to touch a woman again. It's great. Do you have kids in real life? No kids. No kids? Just a dog that's like a kid. I saw your dog as very cute. Yeah, she's super cute. Big white fluffy. Too cute, that's the problem though. It's like, you know, the dog can get away with anything she wants, cause it's so just ridiculous. I'm a new dog owner myself, well four years now, we've had a dog and like it is pretty interesting. But I saw, I got jealous when I saw your pictures of your dog, big dog too. He's got it over his shoulders, wearing like a scarf and the dog's just so calm. My dog would fucking claw my face off. Really? Yeah. Like a sweet dog. That would just be like so out of her wheels. Like what the fuck are we doing? You gotta go slow. Yeah. And make him relaxed. You see the lady at the airport was trying to wear her cat as a hat to get, she was trying to travel with her cat. And I guess trained it to just sit on her head like a hat. And she was trying to get through TSA. And at one point she just adjusted her cat hat. And put it on her head. She was just walking through the airport with this. It looked like a fucking hat. It looked like a hat. Oh my God, I'm surprised she didn't get by. Yeah. She, but she, yeah, she tried to get through. Where is this? United States? Yeah, I think it's United States. For sure. Absolutely. The hat, it's so crazy that she taught the cat just to hold onto her head. The cat doesn't move. Be cool if this was someone famous. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it might be. It could be a WNBA star. We just have no idea. It could be the leading scorer in the WNBA. All I know is it's not Caitlin Clark. Outside of that, say a name, maybe. That's in the trailer for the show. Huh? That's in the trailer for the show. I hope you guys can't really see. We can't see, what is it? Oh, the lights are off. We're doing a viewing. What is this of, Christine? That's the mermaid. Is this the short trailer or the long trailer? You really can't see it. Two minutes or 30 seconds? Let me see. No, two minutes. Okay. Or a minute, 32. I guess it's a little bit. It's shot really beautifully. Our DP is incredible. Yeah, looks great. Joel Avoid. Joel Avoid, incredible DP. Yeah, Robert Patrick's in it too. Robert Patrick is amazing. Yeah, fucking Terminator 2, dude. Yeah, he's in it. A lot of stars in this. A lot of people that you recognize. Yeah, he's so great. He's such a, man, he's an intense guy, but man, he's just so talented. He's such a great actor. He's so incredibly present that it's a... He's great now. He's in Peacemaker. Oh my gosh, that's so funny. That's the thing, it's the best comedy on TV. The show is so funny. There's shit in there where I'm like, how does this possible? There's like Straight Man and Comic. You know, like those things with Steve Agy and Timmettos. That was some of the best comedy writing in the thing. What was the line? Timmettos? What did you say when they're walking out of the fucking place? I know you're talking about it. I forget it too. We're voting it forever. I can't remember it. He said he snaps at him or something. I forget it too. Timmettos is awesome in that. He's the biggest. Oh, it's the eagle? Yeah. He's like, why, to make fun of my fucking bird blindness. My bird blindness. But he can't tell what size it is. That wouldn't work for him. You just can't tell what a bird thinks everything's an eagle. God. It's so funny. Well, it's funny because that movie came from the actual big movie that he was in. Oh, Suicide Squad. Suicide Squad, which he was great in, but he wasn't. So when I when when I watched that and it was that fucking ridiculously funny, I was shocked how great scene it was in it and how great the comedy writing was in it. It sucks having a man of the people, great actors. Bugs me. Well, you're a great actor. I've had to do it last night with a I watched the new euphoria episode at Sydney Sweeney because how much I can't yell from the rooftops enough. She's hot, but I do not get what this. I mean, the holy shit nonstop thing about her particularly is, however, she's so sexualized and yet she's actually a really good actress. She's good at everything I've seen her in. She's an handmade tale. She was great. But I mean, she has been boiled down to a fucking fat bear. It's public. That's all they make her. Her whole character is that movie she did with where she's like the housemaid. I think it's called Housemaid. Yeah. See the trailer for that? It's just so funny because it's like, oh, she's so ugly. Yeah. Look at this housemaid we got. Oh my god. She's wearing glasses. Look at her. She's just ugly. She's such an ugly, normal looking woman. Then she shows up and it's like tits. Yes. The father's like, oh no. That was the classic. What was that? Not another teen movie? The screw thing where it was like that. The glasses. The girl's like, oh no way. We can't make this girl prom queen. Look at ponytail glasses over. She's just clearly a super hot chick. He's like, no way, dude, not fair. I can't make that girl prom. All the time though, it's been going on forever. Just the idea. We're like, you know, we're going to take, you know, where's a hot girl, but in this she's not going to be hot. You're not going to recognize her because she's so plain. They only did. They pulled it off one time with that serial killer movie. With which? With Theron. What's her name? Oh, monster. Monster. They pulled it off because she looked like Gabaj in that. They made her look pretty fucking bad in that. She looked disgusting in that. She looks pretty good though. In that? Whoa. I don't know. What's her name? I mean, this is a she's all that. I think Charlize Theron is kind of a she's all that. How do we take this absolute pig and make her a pig? Stop looking at me. I can't stand it. I want to make this slob of prom queen. It's impossible. Just cleat her up a little. You're out in LA. Have you ever been have you ever gone to Coachella? No, I can't do that. I'll never do that. I watch this weekend. For me. It looks unpleasant in the audience. I used to go to festivals a lot when I was a lot younger. I just remember one time I had a backpack and it got stepped on like 17 times. I'm like, fuck this. I'm never going to one of these pieces of shit festivals again. I used to see fish live and stuff, you know? Oh, yeah. Like, yeah, once you hit a certain age, if you go to those things, it's just so incredibly exhausting. I don't know how you can possibly want to do that. Well, to me, it's now I'd go to any of that stuff like access. We've had comedy access like Bonnaroo. That was great. Yeah, that was good. And to you, you and I were like, hey, man, we're going to walk out into 100,000 people on mushrooms. Yeah. And you were like, you want to come? I was like, I'm good. My plant, man, my plant, the fasciitis was hurting so bad. I was like, I just want to go back to the room and take my shoes off. Oh, we got a wrap. Lou, we hit it hard that fast. Oh, my Lord. Mermaid currently in theaters. Go check it out. Check it out in Florida, too. In Florida. We're touring it in Florida. Start from the 17th to the 21st. Oh, nice. Are you doing the Q&A and stuff after Q&A after every showing? Yeah, that's great, man. It looks like an awesome movie. Super fun. I love it. Looks like a really interesting, awesome movie. I'm excited for it. It's good to see you, man. I hope you can see again real soon. Yeah, good to see you. You going to be back out in LA for Netflix Fest? I will. Yeah, I'm probably coming back here maybe in June. I think I don't know. We'll see. Nice. We'll get to see you again real soon, man. Make sure you check out the movie Mermaid in theaters right now or coming to one near you very soon. Make sure you check out Bobby every Tuesday night. Fat Black Pussycat. Lounge the comedy cell or his YouTube page, Robert Kelly comedy. He's got a punch up. And go to punch up for all of his tickets. Check me out this week. We got story wars in Nashville, Nashville Comedy Fest. And then I'm going to Kansas City at the funny bone. Get tickets, bigjcomedy.com. We'll catch you guys tomorrow. Tomorrow. Until then, peace. Thank you all so much for being here at our wedding. I can't believe I get to spend the rest of my life with the woman of my dreams. 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