#731 - MATT MCCUSKER + SHANE GILLIS

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchCliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, Tony HinchCliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever! ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yippee! Hell yeah, make some noise for Red Band, everybody! Keep it going for the best damn band in the land. This is Kill Tony, brought to you by Express VPN. Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Nachos Belgrande, Michael Gonzalez, Sweatin' Bullets, Big Mike, on the drums, Matt Mueling on the electric guitar, John Bees on the keys, and that is D-Madness live in the flesh, ladies and gentlemen. An absolute scorcher, we're sitting here at 81.1 degrees Fahrenheit. 71% humidity, the AC guy is here, make some noise for the AC guy. Texas, late in July. Welcome, welcome. Holy shit, ACs be breaking, this is a real live show. Anything can happen, happens everywhere. It doesn't matter how much money Spotify gives you. ACs be breaking in Texas. A good old stress test here today, you see people fanning themselves. There's a Latina woman with an actual portable fan, I don't know how she snuck that in here. They lock up phones, but I guess you're allowed to shove a portable fan up your puss. Anything can happen here. I'm going to tell this is an action packed episode before we get started. Here's a little bit more up in the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Service Repair to Smoothness nourishment with a regimen of use versus non-conditioning shampoo. Listen up, that means you. Yes, you. We know you're pointing at yourself. When it comes to Paddy Power games, we've got a place made for all sorts. From the experts to the drama queens. It's made the JC. The finance bros, look at those stocks lads. We'll stick with slots, it's what we're good at. And not forgetting you, yes you the one listening. Because at Paddy Power games, we've got all sorts of games for all sorts of trickles. Eligibility rules in terms of conditions apply. Please come by responsibly. ATEMPLUS.COMOLOWHERE.ORG. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. You did it. You did it. This is one of those big ones. Ladies and gentlemen, I present two of the greatest guests in the show's history. This is indeed Shane Gillis and Matt McCusker. It is hot in here. Shane Gillis, Matt McCusker. Woo! It's crazy how much hotter it is out here. It's... Mike. Hey, hey guys. 2, 3, 4. It is unbelievably hot. It fucking blows. It is incredible. I don't want to bring it up because I know that, you know, you're thinking about it. The crazy thing is that the AC works well in some places right now. The other room, which is an open mic filled with absolute bottom of the barrel peasants. They are chilling. 69 degrees in there. The green room, 71 degrees. Right behind that curtain. Very, very nice. It was nice right behind there and Matt right before we went on. It's like, it's not that bad. I was like, wait till we fucking walk out. This is where God has decided the heat will lay tonight. Matt, how you feeling down there? Pretty good. I'm thinking we can like alternate breathing between guys and girls in 30 seconds. We're going to have to come up with some kind of plan. The AC guy is here. I'm going to ask management, if anyone's listening, wave to me before he leaves. I want an update. Maybe we can get the AC guy to agree to a quick appearance. Live appearance. Maybe he can explain himself. Whatever we do, do not let that guy fucking leave without giving me some kind of signal. I know he was just planning on another quick stop on a 6th street fucking dungeon-esque bar. But he might end up in front of 5.5 million people real quick. Who gives a fuck? Right? Should we harass the AC guy? Anything can happen here. You guys have been guest numerous times on the show. 305 human souls signed up for tonight's show. Matt and Shane know what the fuck is up. The bucket gets crazy. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted. Then you know their time is up and they hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Which interrupts them. I conduct an interview. It's going to be a lot of fun watching them truly physically sweat tonight. They are in for the shock of their lives. None of them know that the AC is broken here. They are in a nice air conditioned bar next door right now. They are going to be in the nice air conditioned backstage. They are going to walk out and they are going to think it's them. Let's have some fun. Before we get to that first bucket pool, I have a golden ticket winner here. Ready to debut a new minute of stand up comedy. We are going to watch them all together. One of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your first comedian of the night. This is Martin Phillips everybody. It is fucking hot. Holy shit. Oh my god. I am growing up. I didn't have any Jewish friends. Not on purpose. I was never a dinosaur before. I think it's too late. I think people would take notice that I am specifically hung out with 13 year old Jewish boys. I just want to party with them. It was sort of a banger. Anyway, circumcision started. God told Abraham to do it. He also told him to kill his son and he took it back as a task. Maybe he waited too long to say something. He came back and he was like, oh by the way, you know, oh crap. He did it. It looks great. He told everyone to do it. Get out of this thing now. Okay. Martin Phillips with the brand new minute. Acknowledging the heat up top. How does the heat affect your condition? I just sweat like a motherfucker. Anything else when it gets real hot, can you straighten out your legs? I pick out heating tiles. You're human other than that. I had these sweaters. I definitely got a short up here. Have you sweaters? You're dressed for the occasion. You're one of the only people wearing shorts tonight. You did see 15 minutes ago. Okay, perfect. Nobody needed to know that, but I guess that's fine. I needed a last second opener there, Martin, and gave you the opportunity of a lifetime, but I guess you've exposed my lack of preparation in front of the world. I didn't have time. Yeah, if he's going to toss pants on, you've got to give him like four hours. You need time. You've got to call him on fucking Friday. Brother, we're going to need pants by Monday. Me too, by the way. Oh, shit. Martin, you ever have a bad experience putting on your pants? No, I could put them on. You know. Oh, fuck dude. Yeah, fuck you, dude. Fuck you asshole. Yeah, there was a button up there, they made me a button. I could just get them up, you know, it's easy. That looks smooth as hell. That was nice. Yeah, it's better than me, I got to like lay down. Thanks, that fuck. You deserve that, my joke was better, but yeah. Martin, what else has been going on in your life? Oh, I got sweat in my eye. My glasses are fucking up. I bought a new car. Oh, myself. Wow. Not because I crashed the old one, okay. I just needed a new car. What kind of car did you get? I got a Prius, so it's official I.N.K. I guess I want to get the same car as you have. I could pull up, be like, hey, twinsies. Hell yeah. And then I'd have to get a Prius, just to be different. And it would make sense, because you're gay. Right, very good, yes, Martin. That would be, yep, that would be implied. Only two I'm gays so far in two and a half minutes. This is another episode of Kill Tony, I blend in with the others. That's the drinking game every time. Oh yeah, okay. Do you drink, Martin? Sometimes. Ari Maddy tells us some crazy tales. Dude, that's not even true, dude. Ari's been saying shit. I'm like, I go to bed. Ari is the one out till 6 a.m. But at one time I did get drunk with Artie. You got drunk? Yeah, I was drunk, yeah. And it doesn't make me look any more able. But it makes it worse, I think, actually. I think, like my hotel was like a block away. I had to Uber. Like it was, I was not gonna make it there. So, yeah. Awesome. Well, Martin, you got the show started tonight. Thank you so much. A golden ticket winner, reigning, defending. Martin Phillips. Is the AC guy there, Zach? No, he's on his way down. But we do have an update incoming. Well, hold him back there while I bring up the first bucket pool of the night. You guys know how this part works, it's where shit gets a little crazy. Because we're gonna meet somebody. Could be the next star of the show. Could be a fucking insane person. Make some noise for your first bucket pool of the night. It's Daniel Shepard, everybody. Daniel Shepard. So my birthday is coming up in a few days. I think I look great for 36. The problem with that is I'm turning 26. So that fucking sucks. I've been watching this show about guinea pigs. It's pretty funny, interesting. It's called The Sopranos on HBO. Perhaps you all have heard of it. Another great show is Friends. But I think an even better show is Seinfeld. Because if Seinfeld is the show about nothing, that means Friends is the show about Jennifer Anderson's nipples. I forgot to equate how they were similar. I'm a little nervous. I just had some sushi recently. I just had some sushi recently. Over in the hood at this new place called Nagiri Please, I ordered the... What? Yeah, they didn't have a drive-through, but they had a drive-by. And last joke, what do you call a black lawyer? A brother-in-law. All right, thank you guys. Okay. Thank God you didn't do the punchline I thought was coming there. Holy shit. Matt. I liked watching the altism bleed through, and you're like, I forgot to equate that last thing to the other thing. Yeah. Straight to sushi. Fuck it, sushi next. So the three shows that you've been watching recently, Sopranos, Seinfeld, and Friends, did you just get, what, a VCR player or something? How are you just starting these three decade old shows now? I'm just starting about these jokes since eighth grade. He's like, I got something. Friends is a lot like Seinfeld. That was kind of the point of the joke, and I almost didn't include that, and I autistically added it. Do you remember what the correlation between the three was? Friends is like Seinfeld without any Jews. Okay. My father wrote that joke, helped me write that joke before he died. Wow, when did he die? 25 years ago? He died 10 months ago. Okay. Wow, how did he die? He had a lung condition, so he had connective tissue disease, which paralyzed his stomach, and that drained into his lungs and destroyed his lungs. Bound it. And then he died in my arms at home one day. What? What was on the TV? It was the Roku TV in the background. The Roku, like... Damn. Roku City, you know? He died gazing into the sunset. No. He saw one last sunset, and it was Roku. How long ago was this? Like 10 months ago. Oh, shit, all right. Like, it was a... My sister's birthday was the day before. What? October 1st. October 1st. Right, Dan. Did your sister bust into the room like Kramer? Like, whoa! She must not have blown out all the candles or something. She was in a big fight with my dad, so she wasn't home at the time. Oh, so maybe she did blow out the candles and made a nasty little wish. Oh, yeah. I don't even think she saw him the day before. Well, that's really fucking horrendous, man. Yeah, I'm sorry to hear that for real. Yeah, what were they arguing about, your sister and your father, at the time of his death? Um... The people at home want to know. My dad, my sister was... My sister would try to attend to my dad a lot, and there was some pushback with, like, a sick guy being told what to do. What was she trying to get him to do? Oh, just like, she's just kind of up his ass, kind of person, I guess. My sister's a little bitchy. Oh, yeah. I don't remember. I tried not to really pay attention. I just saw a lot of arguing. Goddamn, dude. This is like really, really, really... Yeah, you're really fucking bringing it. Yeah, but she feels so bad. You like Star Wars? What's going on there? Ha-ha-ha. Let me guess. That was the last thing you and your fucking dad watched. Now, Star Wars rules, that's it. The best Sith, yeah. Yeah, Kylo Ren could have been the best. Yeah, they ruined it. That could have been Solo. I like Ben. Yeah, for sure. Hell, yeah, man. Yeah. What do you do for work? Between jobs right now? Yeah, I got some life insurance from my father's death. How much exactly did you get? Um, $70,000. $70,000? Can't believe I promised I would never talk about that. I don't know why I just nonchalantly said that. Oh, no, you're fine in the silver line. You got 70 Gs. Yeah, it's over halfway gone. Question, did your sister get the same amount? No. Wow, sister got cut out of the life insurance. Mostly. Wow. Poor thing. I feel bad for her. I mean, you just called her a bitch in front of 5 million people a minute ago, but now she's a poor thing that you feel bad about. Yeah. Okay. It's like that. All right, very fun. And how much more of the $70,000 do you have left? It's been 10 months. You don't have a job. What are we at now? $25,000. $25,000. It's going fast. So what's your plan? What type of job are you looking to get? I was into welding for a minute, but that's kind of, you know, laborious and hard to... It's hard to juggle comedy. I burned myself really bad here. And then I am looking into some kind of audio video thing. I'm really good with that. Still making background and stuff. All right. Short films. Well, there you go. Daniel, well, welcome. Congratulations. Good luck. You got up on the show. Thank you, guys. Thank you so much. Daniel Shepard, everybody. There he goes. Appreciate it. Oh, here's a little joke book, Daniel. There you go. Nice catch. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm getting word that the man that we all want to talk to is here. I present to you for the first time in the show's history. This is the AC Guy! Wow. Wow! Look at the crowd going absolutely wild. This is incredible. A monumental moment in the history of Kill Tony. 12 years and three months. Yet we've never spoken to an AC Guy live on the show before. Sir, what is your name? My name is Dean. Dean? Hell, yeah. Well, hold on. Hold on. The crowd is doing their own thing. Let's see if he actually did your fixing. I feel it. Oh, Dean! Wow. Unbelievable. Dean, tell us about it. What was the issue? So the issue was you guys tripped the smoke alarm with your smoke machines. Oh, it was the haze. The new upgrade to the camera is a little bit of haze. How do we avoid that in the future, Dean? Truthfully, if you're using smoke machines, probably not. Okay, can't do it. Alright, let's reset the cameras. Recalibrate the cameras to zero haze. I'm your biggest fan. There you go. Thank you. No, I'm your show. Your show. This is awesome. So, Dean, how long have you been working in AC? About eight years. Eight years? Wow, you're very good at what you do. I noticed that it wasn't long that you were here. You came here about five to ten minutes before the show started. You were able to figure it out. Eight years in the game. What's your love life like, Dean? Uh, I'm married. No, I'm married. Nice. Hell yeah. She must be a very lucky, cold woman. It is pretty cold in my house. Hell yeah. Well, Dean, have you ever thought about trying stand-up comedy? Do you like comedy? No, I'm about to have a fucking heart attack. I love it. I love it. Well, we were all about to have heat stroke before you came around. So now we're even, Stevens. Dean, thank you so much. Make some noise for Dean. Dean, Dean, Dean. Wow, what a special episode. 82.8 degrees for those of you wondering. We're hoping that goes down at some point. Dean, why don't you stick around until this thing starts to lower? Yeah. You might want to delete that first guy. He'll be fine. Shout out to Airco Air Conditioning coming in and doing their job. I think that's a great plot for them. Airco here in Austin, Texas. The trusted Air Conditioning Associates of Kill Tony and the comedy mother ship. Wow. We'll see. There's a plug. God, I hope Dean doesn't get fired. No, he won't. A free ad for Airco HVAC. You can get Airco yourself just by going to airco.com, I'm guessing. I'm hoping here. Yeah, it's plumbing, heating, and AC. That's the website. Wow. And he, there we go. Airco, yeah, go to aircomchanical.com. Get yourself some AC. All right, just saved Dean's job, everybody. It's about a $30,000 ad read right there. It's open 24 hours. Call them 512-537-1234. Based out around Rock, Texas. Here's in the business, Airco Air Conditioning Electrical and Plumbing. Five stars. All right. Your next bucket pull is a one-word name. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Paul. Paul. Islamic terrorism. I don't get it. 72 virgins? I don't even get out of bed for less than 100 virgins. Wow. Thought this would be easier. I was so nervous back, this is my first time. I was so nervous backstage. Even now, I'm nervous. This is my first time. I was so nervous backstage. Even after I rubbed a couple out. That's right. I'm an assassin. I usually don't bring this up, but my family and I hunt vampires. No, we are not then health scenes. You're not knee-deep in vampires right now because of one family. I apologize. Hey, Titz, you want a small joke book? Hey, T-Bone. All right, Paul, everybody. Very good, Paul. So, clearly a fan of the show. I don't know. You chose to sign. This is truly your first time? First time, yeah. What made you want to do it like this? What made you want to pick tonight? Actually, I got injured last year and I fuck. And I had to have surgery and it was off work and I wrote a screenplay. And I wrote a screenplay for William Montgomery. So, I thought if the set was good enough. Well, if this was a taste, we need more. Can I get the elevator pitch? Yeah, let's hear the movie. The elevator. Not the synopsis, the elevator pitch. Elevator pitch. Shaq Keele, O'Neal, and Charles Barkley play. I'm in. Fully. The way you said Shaq Keele had me. I was thinking about saying Shaq. I have boarded with this full name. They are, used to be partners. They were private investigators. But they had a falling out 15 years ago. They hate each other. And they find out their kids kept in touch and they're going to get married. They have a fight. They lose the ring. And then they got to chase these bikers all across the country to find the ring. They don't want to have the wedding, but they don't want to let their kids down. Have you considered having them play aliens and basketball? So, this is like Wild Hogs with NBA tonight. Yes. Wild Hogs. Needs NBA. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But those are tough gets. They're phenomenal together. Yeah, there's no doubt. So what was the job that you had before all of this? I'm a construction worker. And you got injured on a construction site? No, I was helping someone move. A total separate injury. Was it a back injury? No, I snapped my distal bicep tendon. So I had to get surgery. What the fuck were you carrying? It was, I was in the wrong position. It was a TV. I was just in the wrong position. A flat screen? A flat screen? Yeah, they like these things. It was plasma. And if you know anything about it, huge fucking plasma. I got to brush up on Newtonian physics. I didn't know how much the plasma weighed, my bad. Oh my God. It's insane. So, let's just take one second here to talk about the minute of comedy that you prepared. Islamic terrorist, 72 virgins. I don't get out of bed for less than 100 virgins. What the fuck are you talking about? What do you mean by that? Yeah, what don't you get about it? It's a fucking classic. It's a classic, dude. Just out of curiosity, last question. What is William's character in this movie that features Charles Barkley and Shaq Keele O'Neill? He is a homeless wanderer, but we find out he's a fugitive. But Shaq and Chuck, it's Mudd. Oh, you call them Chuck now? Wow, you're so close with them. No, no, he's fine with that. They get Mudd and they have to enlist William to help them finish their mission. There you go. Very good. Here's a little joke book. There you go. There goes Paul, everybody. Good luck, Paul. Paul, what's your last name? What is it? All right. There goes Paul, everybody. Want to have that one? Whoa! The lovely Heidi has arrived, ladies and gentlemen. A delicious Bud Light. All right, your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Michael Scott, everyone. Michael Scott. Ooh, we're down to 81.9 degrees. Hey. I know what I look like. I know what I sound like. I hear it too, guys. I got the vibe of... I just got cast as Donatello in Tyler Perry's new Ninja Turtles movie. Yeah, he's the tech guy. I get it. I'm a weird kid. I was a weird kid. I had a lot of animals. I started off with two rabbits. I ended up with 14. That being said, I've seen rabbits fuck a lot, guys. It's pretty crazy. It's like one rabbit minding his own business. That was my white one. Then my black one would come hopping along, mount it, fiercely fuck it for about 10 seconds, and then everyone takes off running. My question, guys, why does a rabbit sex only last 10 seconds? Is it evolution or is a rabbit pussy just as good as I think it is? Hell yes. Michael Scott. Wow. Is this true? You have that many rabbits? No. Technically, I had guinea pigs, but rabbits fuck like crazy, so it's funnier. You know what I mean. Wow. Ginea pigs appears to be the magical word combination of the day. Really? It's been used by two out of three bucket pools in an unprecedented anomaly. So, Michael, how long have you been on stand-up? Eight years. Eight years? Where at? Fresno, California, Bakersfield, California. Wow. Is that where you still live? No. I'm out here. I've been here since December 30th of last year. Nice. Awesome. What do you do for work? I work valet at Hotel Ella, and I just got a new job two months ago at Benefast. I deliver construction equipment to sites. Awesome. Yeah. Absolutely incredible, Michael Scott. What do you do for fun? I used to train in Mame. I play poker, watch movies, video games. I got cats. How many cats do you have? Three. Three cats. What are their names? Whiskey, Waffles. Those are my two girls, and I got Tanuki. He's the boy. Yes, bro. How's cat pussy? Everything I dreamed of. It's incredible. How many guinea pigs did you have at the boat? Yeah, 14. You had 14? I started with two, and they just kept fucking. I was selling them back to the pet store. Wow. Just a bunch of inbred, angry guinea pigs. Incredible. How old were you when you had these guinea pigs? 12 fish. So you were living with your parents? Hell, yeah. What were they saying about all the guinea pigs? They... Get the motherfucking guinea pigs. You better get the motherfucking guinea pigs. All right. No, what did they say? The police are on their way. I saw an opportunity. Everybody relax. Guys, relax. These motherfucking guinea pigs. Man, you fucking bedroom be stinkin', Michael. It did. All right. It did. It did stink. See, this is what they said, right? Yeah, my mom. Did they kind of sound like that, or did they speak perfect American English like you? They're... Oh, my mom? Yeah, oh yeah. Yeah, she... She sounds like... She sounds like me, just not like a guy. Perfect. Yeah. Northern California blacks. So you had... How many of those guinea pigs were in your room at once? All of them. So you did have... So you had 14 in your room. Yeah. And you were jacking off in there in front of 14 guinea pigs. How many times do you jack off in front of 14 guinea pigs? A lot. I performed better in front of a crowd. What can I say? You could hear them. You had to be able to hear them while you were jacking off. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They... You're like, whiskey, be quiet. Yeah. Michael Scott's trying to jack off around here. My mom accidentally killed four of them once, though. How did she do that? She's not gonna like that. When I was... She's gonna be much madder at my impression of her than... I think you're right. I was at school one day and I had them in three separate cages and she took one of the cages because she said it was a hot day so she wanted to give them some air. So she took the cage and put it outside in the hot sun. She killed them on purpose. Yeah, I think I had three too many. Yeah, you had to be... One survived, though. You had a lot of guinea pigs. Yeah. If you were my son, I would have... Yeah. I would have put those bag... Those guinea pigs in a bag and... You gotta smack them. That's good. Stop watching my son jack off. You fucking perverts. That's why I got them. Behold. Behold my son. My children. Did you bury the dead? Yeah. Where'd you bury them? Back yard. Nice. Yeah. What type of... You know, did you put up like a monument to them? A shoe box. They weren't even good shoes. They weren't even good shoes. They were like Pumas, too. You didn't put anything above ground to commemorate? No. Not a rock. You didn't even give a fuck about them, huh? I was a kid. I didn't know tombstones were... Right. Right. Definitely. The one that survived, did it have any special powers? He was the first one. He started the whole thing. His name was Hammy. Hammy. Yeah. Hampton J. Guinea Pig was his name. Wow. Wow. What did the J stand for? Jenkins? Jew? Oh, Jew. Okay. Got it. I love it, Michael. He was Jewish, I don't know. He was Jewish. What's the... Were the other Hamsters Jewish in this mass genocide? Yeah. I ran a guinea pig concentration camp. They could not survive the Mama Cost. Oh, man. Wow. Mama Cost. Did she ever explain herself why she really sat there? She said it was hot. I thought they'd eat some air. On the inside. You know what, honestly, if there were 14 guinea pigs in this room, when I got here tonight, I would have sat four outside in a cage, too. Yeah. Thank goodness for Dean from Airco Air Conditioning Company. Well, hold on, let's see. It's just so hotter than hell in here. We need to bring Dean back and kill him. Put him outside. Put him in a cage, yeah. Michael, I'd love to have you back on The Secret Show, man. Thank you so much for having me. Here's the big jokebook, Michael. Michael Scott. Fantastic. We are moving along smoothly here, bucket pool number four. This is definitely a new name, and I'm excited about it. Make some noise for Yoshika Gonzalez. Yoshika Gonzalez. Oh, shit. Okay. One more time for Yoshika, everybody. Hi. A little bit about me or whatever. I'm having a sale on my OnlyFans. Yeah, so for 30 cents a day, you can help a short bitch pay her rent. No, I am a sex worker, and I figured it's actually better than dating because I usually date white men, and that's a fucking pyramid scheme. So they just do weird shit, like lie, first of all. Drink Mountain Dew and prioritize themselves. I'm just too Latina for that, you know? Now you know. Yeah, I'm too Latina for that because I'm like sucking dick, you know, washing the dishes. And in return, they make me keto fucking pancakes. Yoshika Gonzalez. Hell, yes. So many questions. Let's begin. One of Mike Scott's guinea pigs survived. Made it all the way down here. Excuse me? No, it's not about you. No, I got to... I have a serious question. When you do your sex work, you get picked up in front of the Home Depot? Just kidding. No, but when you do your sex work, you go to the Home Depot, don't you? Whoa, sounded like a burn. Zero. That's what you get, dude. You come into fucking... You come into Queen, you best not miss. Yoshika Gonzalez. Hell, yeah. You are definitely a specific type. Do you... Do you... Do they... Is this a condition? Is there a label for this? What, racially challenged? No, you look like a tall midget. Oh. You look like a... I'm... Yeah, I don't know. I'm a shorty... They used to be short back in the day in the 60s, you know? I don't know what's going on now. Okay. Oh, okay. Yoshika, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? Um, for a year now, it's my last resort into screenwriting. Oh, you got team up with Paul. Yeah, this is why. Dude, you're Farley Brothers. Yeah. You got the same episode. This is a special episode. Special episode. We have two... Two screenwriting references and two guinea pig references. And somehow they're all mashing together right here with Yoshika Gonzales. Yoshika is an interesting name. What does that mean? How do you end up with a Japanese name? It's... I was named after a Japanese film camera, Yoshika. I don't know. You don't know. Okay. I don't know. My dad used to say different shit, like a hooker one time. Hey, call it a shot. Cashier, a book. And then he told the truth, I guess. 38 cents, you said? Uh, 30. 30 cents. 30 cents a day. Is that real? 30 cents? Is that legal? Unicef only. Maths. Maths. Mathematically, I think so. Okay. What do you do on this only, fans, exactly? Um, I... Haunt people's laptops. I don't know. I twerk. I... All right. I too... I too, like, animate costumes and look and... Degrade guys. Degrade, pick rate. Ooh. You've crossed the line. That's too much. Don't do it. Don't you dare. There's a lot. There's a lot. There's a lot. How long have you been on only fans? Since the pandemic, when the strip clubs closed temporarily. So you were a stripper up to the pandemic. What was your stripper name? Um, it was... Easy question. Impossible to forget. There's been a bunch, you know, Jenna was a good one. A lot of people in Austin, back in the day. Jenna. Okay. Anything crazy ever happened at the strip club? Any wild stories? No. Okay. Same old, same old. You close with your parents? Not right now, not at the moment. Why do you think you're not close with your parents? Uh... I didn't think this was a therapy session. Um... Well, welcome. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be rude. Hey, you're the one with your backstory, lady. I'm just following up here. Do you think your dad subscribes to your only fans? Hi. I mean, 30 cents a day. I wouldn't even check in on your little dar-dar, you know what I mean? Okey-dokey. It's a real live show, everybody. I don't think so. No. He said he does it... He said he never loved me, never will, ever did. Perfect. We're good, then. Was this a long time ago or, like, kind of recent? Was this a pandemic? Like, two years ago. Two years during the pandemic. Everyone lost their mind during the pandemic, so it's not a big deal. Well, that's... I'm sorry about all that. It's not nice. Yeah, I'm sorry to hear that. It's okay, guys. We're here now. Yeah. Somewhere. For what it's worth, I think you're worth more than 30 cents a day. Okay. Yeah. Definitely. How much are you making a month on only fans? Oh, my God. $4.12. $5. Yeah. You're killing it, and you're making $20. I'm making my rent. $1,000. Oh, that's awesome. Okay. How do you get to everything else? How do you pay your bills if you're only making your rent spot-on from the monthly only fans? What else are you doing to make money on this side? Me sucky sucky. Okay. Red Band, that is out of control. That is rude. That is out of line, Red Band. Actually, don't do oral, but... Sick. Wow. That is... Yeah. That explains... That exprivers went off the charts with that one. That explains why the white guys you've been with just lie and drink Mountain Dew all the time. If you want some honest answers, you got a fucking... No, I sell vintage. I sell vintage clothes. There you go. Oh, cool. How is the market outside in the heat? I do actual work. I do AV work, too, but, you know, they hire the guys. Ass and vagina. Is that one of the vintage shirts you're wearing? No, this one... I was going to say it's a cool shirt. Thank you. Yeah. Is it vintage underwear, like your used ones or something about yourself? Red Band. Red Band, that's... Red Band. Red Band. Try to run a program. Red Band. 30 cents a day. Let's get back to this side. For a Benny, you can get her on. 30 cents? I mean, it's $7 a month divided by 30. Oh, okay. All right. I see you a day. Yes. That's how they get you. That's how they get you. That is how they get you. Yeah. Because I was already... I subscribed to Under the Table. I said 30 cents. This is it. Come on. Adds up quick. I mean, losing money, not doing it. I don't get out of bed for 100 cents. We were talking here. But you're doing great. You're going to be making a lot more money after this. I'm sure there are a lot of people watching online right now. Any other last pitches for your only fans that you would like to give to the people out there? There's many, many men. Or are you trying to... Trying to help her? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's just barely making her rent. Yeah. I mean, I have a wish list, but I just have like a printer on there. No one will buy it. I'll get you a fucking printer. Shane's going to buy her a printer. I promise. Yoshika, here's a little joke book. Okay, I'll try it. Ready for it? Boom, you got it. Wow. She caught it. You're going that way. Hey, hey, hey, hey, nice to meet you. There she goes. That's the new way you came. Yoshika, everybody. Where's Heidi? Yum, yum, yum. Time for another Golden Ticket winner, everybody. This young lady won hers maybe a little less than a year ago. She's fantastic. Works here. Works on Kiltoni. Make some noise. A brand new minute from Aya, everybody. It's Aya, everyone. Some people don't trust Muslims. I get it, whatever. Me personally, I don't trust Jehovah Witnesses. I feel like some Jehovah Witnesses are just registered sex offenders who got really, really, really nervous at the last second. Like they were supposed to go out in the neighborhood and tell everyone what they did, which is, it's tough, you know, I'm a little student child. You know, they go, knock, knock, who's there? Have you heard of the child that was touched by God? Jesus Christ. He's like, why is your parole officer here? It's like, don't worry about that. I don't know. I feel like we treat registered sex offenders so interesting in this country. Like we make them live so far from elementary schools, but distance only makes the heart grow fonder. Boom. Aya. Fantastic. Great pedophile joke. Okay, thanks. What's up? Hey guys. How you doing? How's it been going, Aya? It's good. It's kind of warm in here. Yeah. I put on a jacket, so when I take it off, I feel cooler. Oh, look at that. A little reverse psychology on pure heat. Yeah. Okay. How are you guys? Good. I gotta be honest, this is good. Yeah. Everything going good? Yeah, everything's good yesterday. Nothing bad. Huh? No, no, no. Yeah, every single person that's come up here is just... My dad died. My dad hates me kind of. Yeah, things are bad. Yeah. No, you guys didn't even hear what happened with my dad. Oh, what happened? Is he good? Die and give you that fucking jacket? Where is he? No, yesterday I taught him that you have to boil pasta in water. What was he doing before? He didn't know about that. How was he cooking pasta? He never cooks. He never cooks. He doesn't cook, he just learns. I just taught him yesterday. Okay, so he's alive, that's fine. Yeah, he's alive. Sounds like he's thriving. Sounds like he's still learning. Yeah. Yeah. Learned something new every day. So that's good. Where's he at? Where are you from? I'm from Dallas. Wow. But my family's from Africa. What? Yeah, I'm Moroccan. Nice. Yeah. Nice. Hell yeah. What was your dad doing with those noodles? Eating. Eating the noodles. Just raw hard noodles? Well, no, I boiled them for him and yesterday he came and he was like, oh, so that's how you do it. He said he's always seen people make pasta but he never paid attention. He's just been sitting on the floor Indian style. He's in his hands. Yeah. Yeah. Incredible. That's good. All right. That's amazing, Aya. What else is going on? Anything else crazy? Recently, I had a weird dream the other day. I had a dream that there was this girl and she was really young. She was like 17, 16, and she was like in a trap house and I didn't know what to tell her to get out of the trap house. So I just told her, girls like you end up fat in their 20s and she left. I got her out the trap house. Wow. Good up for her in her dream. Yep. What the fuck are you talking about? What are you talking about? It's just my life. Yeah. No doubt about it. It's the truth. Well, great new minute, Aya. Favorite pedophile joke of the day without a doubt so far. One more time for Aya, everybody. Back to the bucket. We go. Three ladies in a row. Make some noise for your next comedian. It's Jenny Rodriguez, everyone. Jenny Rodriguez. I just watched this documentary on Netflix recently. It was about a woman who went to jail after she had sex with a man who the court said deemed mentally incapacitated. This was a man who was intellectually disabled. And that just goes to show that there's hope for all of you guys here tonight. Able-bodied women are having sex with retards. I know I am. I love him. He's my best friend, my partner in crime, my PIC. You guys heard that, partner in crime, PIC. But I'm Mexican. So that would make me his SPIC. SPIC, it's Texas. Do you want me to spell that out for you guys? We actually just saw the Fantastic Four movie. I gave a hand job during it. I guess you could call it a Fantastic Five. Boo, boo, boo. That's been my time. I've been Jenny Rodriguez. Jenny Rodriguez. Welcome to the show, Jenny. Have you been on before? I have, a couple times. What do we find out the other times you were on about you? I hate to throw this out here, but I work in a tire shop. Whoa. Hell yeah. Amazing. I'm engaged. That's pretty much it from the last two times. Yeah, what does your man do? What's his name? He works at Jared Jewelers. He's a jeweler. Oh, wow. Oh, we did pro wrestling. That was another thing that we did. Right now we just finished clown school, actually. Okay. So that's another. Fucking good choice. Yeah. You learned stuff at clown school? Did I learn this stuff at clown school? No, did you learn a lot of stuff at clown school? Oh, I really did, actually. I learned how to do like balloon animals. Do you have any balloons on you? I wish I did. I literally thought about bringing my skirt, but... Is there anything you could do in the clown world right now if John played some clown music and we gave you a spotlight? One, two, three, four. Oh, shit. Uh-oh. I got nothing. Nothing, okay. I need props. I like them. I do a lot of like gimmick shit. I do like some magic tricks, but I'm not like really good. You know, it's all very slight of hand stuff. What if somebody has a condom? Can you do something with a condom? Red Band, thank you so much. You're a great... Oh, yeah, great. Thank you, Red Band. Nobody here has a fucking condom. This is not the 80s. Jenny Rodriguez. So how's stand-up been going for you? Stand-up's been going pretty well. The last few months, I've been focusing on clown school, ironically. Wow. But I've been, you know, hitting my ice cream in the shows, just trying to do what I can around here. It is a little more difficult, I think, finding a good click around here compared to where I was last before I moved here. I came from South Bend area. Oh, go Irish. Are you a fan of the Notre Dame fighting Irish? Definitely not, bro. Yeah. Notre Dame or like Notre Dame. In San Clemente Basie sucks dick. Football rules. I love sports. There you go. Well, Jenny, congratulations. You got picked for another minute. You've been on the show multiple times. There she goes. Jenny Rodriguez, everybody. We're going to keep flying through it. Here we go. On to the next one. It's cooling down. We're at 80.4 degrees. We are around the corner from the 70s, everybody. This next bucket bulls from the inside. Makes some noise for truly joy. Truly joy from the inside. Is that real? Oh, wow. The furthest possible fucking seat in the entire venue. Literally can't make it up, everyone. How perfect. It's great. Awesome. You would think we would coordinate this better that someone signs up and they don't sit in the seat that's 97 seconds away from the front. Tire season two out now on Netflix, everybody. Madison Square Garden coming up this week. The 15th, we do stand up the 16th. We do kill Tony. Where the fuck is this fucking inside bucket pool? Makes some noise for truly joy, everyone. So I have pretty bad luck on dating apps. Like, I literally don't get any matches. And I got this buddy who's just bragging about all the matches he has. So one day I was like, let's see him. He's on Grindr. And he's got tons of matches. That's kind of like a weird flex. But then it dawned on me. I was like, I'm gonna go and get him. I'm gonna get him. It was a weird flex. But then it dawned on me. If I was gay, a lot of my problems would disappear. Like, I wouldn't be as lonely. I would have better fashion sense. And I'd be in great shape. Because you have to be strong to fuck a dude. Right? It's like fucking a bear. And then even jacking off in the mirror would be better. Like, come on guys. Dial in, alright? You're jacking off in the mirror. And there's a hot dude jacking off to you in the mirror. Right? You start going faster. He starts going faster. Right? And then you jack off. And you bust a nut. And then this dude who's been jacking off to you for 25 minutes bust a nut to you bust a nut. Pretty fucking awesome if you're gay, right? Thank you. Julie Joy, welcome back. I like that you say jacking off would be in the mirror would be better if you were gay. As if you do jack off in the mirror. Have you ever? Fuck no, look at me. I don't want to see this shit. You jack off in the mirror? No I don't, but I thought for 25 minutes is crazy. That is crazy. You gotta milk it dude. I'm not trying to bust a nut and it not be worth it dude. I'm not going to go up in the mirror for 25 minutes. Bro don't knock it until you try it. I will. 25 minutes is what stands out about that material. Do you really extend your jack off experience for that long? Yeah when I do jack off I definitely milk it, but I try not to. When you say milk it, are you implying? It's cold edging guys. You guys in the hedge? Alright whatever. I'm fucking weird, okay? You last 25 minutes with yourself. When I do it, yeah I try. When you're about to come, what do you picture? What do you mean dude? You're saying that you're edging, right? So like how do you stop yourself? You watch something that turns one, and then you like get ready and then you just ride that wave until you are ready to bust a nut. And then you plan on killing Bart Simpson. Yeah. And you spend the rest of the night watching out for rakes on the ground. Or party rock, whatever. Yeah, either one. Okay. What do you tend to watch when you're jerking off? Truly joy? Honestly I have a pretty vast bank bank. So like I just... What are some of the wilder... What are some of the weirder things that you're into? I'm into, I like like dom sub stuff. You know, DS. You know about that? I've heard of it. Are you a dom or a sub? I'm a dom. Dude I'm already subbing after you right now. Yeah we're all sitting down and you're doming us dude. You can't dom us like this while we're sitting down. Bro, sorry. Tony give him a big notebook right now. Give it to those dom daddies. What's the craziest thing you've ever done dom wise in real life? Dom wise. Um... Picture you in like a big mask with your hair hanging out and everybody being like, well we know what that is. I was living in LA and I was like going to these parties and it was pretty crazy. They were like, we're gonna film this. And I was like, I don't want to be filmed right? And they were like put on a mask and no one's gonna know who you are. And I'm like yeah, no one's gonna know the tall ass dude with fucking afro and blue eyes. But I just had them filmed behind me but I just had like this girl and they were like had all these toys. I like using my own parts and my hands and stuff. But uh, yeah they had like all these crazy toys so we did that stuff. And I was just like, I would find myself like an open minded person, you know? You work with your hands. Yeah I'm a worker with, yeah exactly. Yeah no that's toy bullshit. You're a hands man. How are you doming though? Like where was the dom going? You got your cheeks on your face. I'm not gonna have to sound like that. You tell them what to do, you're in charge. Yeah I'm just gonna show you. There's some dudes that like want the girls to take control and shit. You know? Like I want to be in control. I'm in control. Oh shit. Whoa whoa whoa. You don't want a toy like that dude ever again. How dare you dom my friends. You watch out Shane, don't dom me dude. Come on dude, don't dom me dude. I'm coming over there. I can't believe you're not doing good on dating apps. Yo. You're a handsome fella you know. Yeah man. God damn. What do you do for work? I work in AV freelance. Wow. Mostly yeah I know I heard everyone saying that. I've done some catering jobs since I moved here. Okay. Yeah. They make you wear a hair net? They make me pull my hair back in a ponytail. Yeah. Damn. Yeah it looks different. Fucked up. It disappears. Unintentioned eye contact. Yeah. How about for fun? What do you do for fun? I like going to a white horse. I've been practicing two step like learning. I like Bart and springs. I go there almost every day. Nice. You find anybody dom out there? A little bit. A little bit. Yeah. Dude the girls out there are freaky. Yeah. Whoa. And what's your love life like? I don't have a girlfriend here but I have like a lover on the east coast. You have a lover on the east coast. She's my sub. Jesus. What's she do? Texas. Bro, you like you get some bro. Get the fuck out of here. Yo. Oh sorry. Yo. What the fuck dude? You're sub talking horny and angry. He's like what's his name? I'm like bro come on now. He said what's his name hilarious? What's his name? What's his name? What's his name is a classic. Yeah. I have a lover on the east coast. What's your sub doing right now? Uh, she's probably sleeping honestly. She'll wake her up. Wake up. Yeah. A real Dom would wake her up. Damn bro, I'm gonna call her after this. No, we're not going to. We're gonna keep it moving along. Chuli Joy, there he goes. Thank you guys. There goes Chuli Joy everybody. Hell yeah. There he goes everyone. All right, fist bumps for the Dom. Chuli Joy. I thought he was pretty funny up there. All right, this looks like a fun name and a new name. Let's see what happens here. Mixed noise for Mighty Mike everyone. Mighty Mike. Okay, all right. Man, that last comic looked like Khalido from WWE didn't it? What it's like to be cool. Nah man. Man, I'm about to quit comedy man. This shit don't make no money in this motherfucker man. I'm broke. Man, I'm so broke man. I can't even be racist with my laundry. That's how broke I am. I got... I feel like that's the last white racist activity. White and blacks. Set apart buddy. I put the whites first. I'm black. I put the blacks first. That's what the fuck. Yeah man. My hair mixing leftovers and shit. I made Jamaican food the other day. Rice and pasta. Call it roster. Think good. That's what... Boom boom clock. Nah man. Oh man. Tritz. Yeah, okay. That's the meal right there. All right. That's a cat man. That's pussy. Okay, all right. Mighty Mike. That's my time baby. Slightly having a mental breakdown towards the end of his set there. Mighty Mike. Mighty Mike, welcome back. You've been on this show before. Yeah, Michael Iyo Baby. I'm Mike Jr. Talking to the microphone there. We have mics here in America. Woo! With the shots. So were we saying... No, I said I'm Michael Iyo Baby. Yeah, I put Mighty Mike. That's my stage name. Mighty Mike. I put that on there today and... I was on here last time, right? No, I wasn't. I was. Shame man, man. Respect, bro. I was. No, you wasn't. You wasn't. Oh, all right. Well, fuck. Maybe I'm racist. Yeah, it was... Maybe I am actually racist. You got up here and I was like, oh, I remember him. Shame, give this man his ejection. I was like, he's very good. We know... Mike, relax. Relax. So, tell us what's been going on, Mike. You said you're broke. What do you do for work? Oh, I just got a new job at FedEx. The last time I was at Amazon. Okay. You know... You're just still delivering packages. Still delivering packages, yes. The packages don't talk. The packages don't talk. What do you mean by that, exactly? I used to be in an office. I used to work in an office and... Offices, people talk a lot. Uh-huh. But when you... Now you're driving the truck? Yep. And you're dropping off the packages? Dropping them off, taking photos. How long you been doing that for? As far as dropping packages off, again, I started with Amazon. I was like... Got the Amazon thing. We're talking about FedEx. FedEx is like two weeks. No, no, a week, a week, a week, a week, a week, yes. A week. So, how do you do that? Do you have any specific styles? Has anything crazy happened yet? No, no. I'm still training right now. And Nick is still training, yes. Okay. Yeah, he's still got me training. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. What have you learned so far? Man, you gotta put the packages where the white people want them. Because they'll type up that review, man. Next to you know. All right, you gotta keep them right where the black people can still get them. Man, you're not nice. I helped my niggas out. I wasn't in the hood today. I wasn't in the hood today. You know, I helped my niggas out. You know. Hey, come quick, Brian. Get your shit. Okay, Doki. Mighty Mike. How about for fun? What are some hobbies of yours? What do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up? Man, when I'm done doing stand-up... Man, think about how black people could be better. That's what I think about. What have you come up with exactly? We've been wondering the same thing. So you go right ahead. And I was chilling in my balcony the other day, man, blowing the trees. And I was like, man, the head-knock thing that black people do, man. We need to get rid of that. No, it's nice. I mean, fuck, we gotta say, speak words, man. Hi. Hi, hello. Well, if you do it like that, that's gonna be a problem. I was walking by in the black, I was like, hi. Yeah, yeah, yeah, like that. No, you know, you gotta smile. What's up? I just did, huh? Exactly. No, the head thing's nice. I am head-thin traumatized, man. I am head-thin traumatized. Oh, yeah. And you're from Nigeria? I was born and raised in Nigeria, yes. You came here and you're telling the black Americans they're not doing it right? What? Tell them to pull their pants up. I get it. No, no, no, no, you know, I mean. Yeah, what else is on this list? For me, I put my pants up. So what? What else is on your list of how they can do better? Um, um, um. Number two on the list. Number two, man, pay bills. Wow. Make a school pay bills, bro. For real. For real. Like, when I had a lot of money, I used to pay my bills. I was like, white man, just paying my bills on time. Okay. I'm a little, I don't got it like that no more right now, so I'm dodging too. I'm being black. Right. Juke and the Bill collectors, Sunrise Debt. Who is that? They call me at six in the morning every time. Sunrise. Fuck them. I gotta tell you, this isn't a racial problem. This is, yeah. This is a me problem, huh? No, no, well, yeah, whoever the individual is, yeah. Okay. But we've all been there. Yeah, I've dodged. I've dodged. What do you owe money for? What are some of your debts? I know right now I owe a, I owe a charter, charter communications right now, man. I owe them about $300. Who the fuck is that? Yeah, what's that? Charter communication. Spectrum, spectrum, my bad. Spectrum. Spectrum. Okay. Wait, you have cable? Or is that internet? No, internet, man. Damn. Come on. Don't you know, man? Internet, man. Cable. Whoa, that's expensive. Okay. Do you have kids? No, no kids yet, man. How old are you? I just turned 35. So how do you think you've avoided having kids? Man, I pull out game real good, man. I ain't gonna lie, bro. Explain to us. What's your method? Bro, I feel the pit, like when you're about to bust a nut, you get a pee feeling. That's the sign that got ghee first, like, hey, hey, man, it ain't piss, it's the other one. You bust, take it out, and you bust. And I listen to that voice, and I'm nut right on her. And that's how I'm able to dodge that shit. Wow. Man, I don't know how they just miss that pee feeling, man. Child support, not me. Do you see, like, a big figure of your father in the sky and James Earl Jones is like, pull out now, son. Racist. I'm just, I'm playing. I'm playing. No, my dad's still around, man. He's still around. Is he in Nigeria? No, no, no, he here. Where is he exactly? He's in Minnesota. Okay. And what's he doing up in Minnesota? What does a Nigerian do in Minnesota, exactly? Fight Samalis at the Mall of America. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. He takes walks at the mall. For real, he fights, yeah, he fights Samalis at the Mall of America. Yeah, for real. They be fucking with my dad, man. They don't know my dad, the OG, man. He speaks Italian too, so he could talk to the mall. No way. Yes. Wow. And it's true that Nigerians and Somalians don't get along. I mean, I fuck with them, but you know, when they start picking that, hello, hello, I'm out of there. Whoa, bro. Whoa, what that mean? What's your least favorite thing about the Somalians? The what? Nothing. The least? Craziest thing you have in your refrigerator, Mighty Mike. You have a refrigerator, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got a fridge. What's the craziest thing we would find if we opened up your refrigerator right now? Some spinach and broccoli. Nigerians eat healthy. No fried chicken. Wow. Incredible. Does that bring you any other points? Do you get any special powers when you eat the spinach or broccoli? You know, man, I do do in the morning. Okay. The dookie come right on time in the morning. Okie dokie. All right, right, man. All right. Fun stuff. There goes Mighty Mike. You already have a big joke book? I already got one. There he goes. On to the next one. Appreciate you. Thank you, Kylton. Ladies and gentlemen, it has happened. 79.9 degrees, everybody. We've hit it. We are officially in the 70s in this, the hottest episode of Kyltoni ever. Shane's got a pee. Shane's going pee. Which means I'm just going to bring up your next comedian. Make some noise for Shay Phillips, everybody. Shay Phillips. Oh, shit. So I know what y'all thinking right now. What the fuck is this fake-ass Kimbo Slythe doing up here trying to make me laugh and shit? I'm supposed to be in the cage beating the shit out of people. What the fuck? Recently I've been trying to get back into dating and I've been kind of struggling. I realize I struggle because I take words a little too literally. Like, I don't like when women call me daddy. Because something deep inside me, something deep in my DNA, this makes me want to leave them. I don't know. It's like, every time she says, ooh, daddy, I'm like, you know what? We all the milk. I'll be right back. I'm going to... She's like, you're lactose intolerant. I'm like, shit, man, would you look at that? I'll get some new ports. I'll be right back. You don't smoke. I'm like, listen, bitch, you're going to be here on draft day, all right? You're going to the NFL. A lot of people give me stupid ass questions sometimes. They ask me, like, Shay, what's your favorite workout? Like shoulder press, chest press, bench press. I'm like, bitch, I'm depressed. The fuck? I think I'll work out so much. Fuck yeah, Shay Phillips. Welcome to the show, Shay. This is your first time on? Yes, sir. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been on stand up? About three, four years now. Three or four years? Where at? Houston, Texas. Okay, that was what I was going to guess. Hell yeah. What do you do for work in Houston? I'm a machinist. Whoa. Okay, what kind of machinery are we talking about? My biceps. Wow. Incredible. But seriously, what kind of machines do you work with? CNC? I don't know. I just press buttons and shit, dog. Okay, awesome. Sounds professional. It's fucked. Hell yeah. And you don't have kids? No, not that I know of. You have a girlfriend? Nah. You're just single. Running machines, what do you do for fun? I like lift weights. I like to choke people. I do jujitsu and shit. You do jujitsu? Yeah, man. Wow. Okay. I eat a lot of food. Yeah? What do you like to eat? Barbecue. Barbecue what? Shit, shit. Very good. You just won the game, everybody. You got out of me, motherfucker. Hell yeah. Shay, how often do you come to Austin, Texas to sign up for the show? First time. First time? Yes, sir. Look at you. You got lucky. Incredible. Is that one of the dogs? I'm sorry. That is. You remember La Mer? La Mer, you look fucking good, bro. You're at a La Mer. This is La Scare. Hey, I'm just saying. This is the last thing you want. I got on some HGH, some TRT. Hell yeah. Okay, Shay. Craziest thing that's happened to you at the gym. Anything ever stand out to you? Any white women ever accuse you of staring at them or something like that? No, but I did have an old white lady try to kidnap me one time. Oh, tell us all about it. Well, I met the gym and shit and she goes, oh, well, I just need help getting out to my car, getting blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, lady, I don't work here. But instead she started dragging me outside and shit and she's like, I can't carry this by myself. Get inside the car, motherfucker. I'm like, hold up, bitch. You think she was trying to have sex with you? I think she only picked up a bunch of heavy shit for it. I'm like, nah, dog, you know. You ever heard of Juneteenth, bitch? Yeah. Man's patient proclamation, I'm free. Absolutely. What did she want you to pick up for herself? Yeah, she was a fat bitch, what do you expect? Oh, this is what she fat. Yeah. Oh, shucks. She tried to get me. That could have been great. How old? Old enough? Yeah, yeah, yeah, old enough that you would be like, old enough for 401k? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why'd you hesitate? I'm stupid. I wanted to teach you in comedy. You probably do the right thing, actually. Yeah, I don't know. I could have had a better life, man. Yeah. Interesting. Shay, what's the craziest thing about your life that we would find interesting about you? You ever save anyone's life, accomplish anything, any big, uh, let's see, the craziest thing I've ever did in my life, dude. When I was in the military, there was a kid that was trying to walk home, but it turns out that this island, like it floods like crazy and shit. So as the kids walking, like his face is like seeing his face out the water and stuff. So I basically had to carry the motherfucker home. You know, he's getting drowned. Where was the sat? The Marshall Islands. Wow. Yeah. And what exactly, what branch of the military were you in? I was in the Navy. What did you do exactly in the Navy? I was in the construction forces. I was a mechanic. Okay. Wow. Look at you. Helping someone else not drown. Absolutely amazing. I had to pass the swim test, dog. Yep. Look at that. Okay, Shay, three or four years in Houston, your first time on, very fun. And here is, oh, we don't have any mediums. I guess you're getting a big one. Shay Phillips. Boom. Shay Phillips. Thank God. Yeah, bro. Oh shit. I did that one quick, huh? Oops. Hey, look, it's the lovely Heidi. This episode is brought to you by ExpressVPN. We went close there. Yep. How many people like it when comedians do good on this show? Wow. Are you sure? They do. Almost everyone's doing bad. Yeah. They like it. It is hot. It is hot. Yeah. No doubt about it. For those of you watching on the internet, congratulations. This is the episode to be in the air conditioning. If it was cold, we'd be fucking killing. Yeah. It would be a whole different episode. It's crazy. It's crazy. It's crazy. It's crazy. It's crazy. It's crazy. It would be a whole different episode. It's crazy. But you know, it happens sometimes. Every once in a great, great while. Okay. Awesome. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next comedian. You guys having fun out there still? Do we care about how hot it is in the room? Make some noise for Nate Ortiz, everyone. Nate Ortiz. I've been on all the mat, absolutely. I've been on Tinder, Bumble, DoorDash. Just looking for love at McNuggets at this point. You know? I'll entertain a Salvadorian man if he's giving me subway. You know? Just want to watch SmackDown, dude? I even paid 20 bucks for that Tinder premium to find out the two women I match with look just like me. Same facial hair and everything. I got to the point, I had to ask my buddies for advice. I'm like, hey man, how do I get better matches? How do I beat this algorithm? They're like, Nate, you should start losing some weight, bro. You start to look like a Puerto Rican mom from the back. So I said, Wepa, dude. So I updated my Tinder profile. I said from the front, I look like if Hagrid started a Twitch channel. But from the back, dude, looks like I'm washing dishes while salsa dancing. Thank you. Nate Ortiz. This is your first time on the show, right? Yes, yes. Yeah, for a very first time. Awesome. How long have you been on stand-up? Five years in Houston. Wow, you're from Houston too, huh? Did you know Shay? I'm sorry? Did you know Shay? I know Shay. We're actually the same weight. Wow. His personal trainer. All right, fuck you guys, dude. It's real. That's... Nate, what do you do for work? I actually just got laid off Saturday. I was working. Countries and shambles. Yeah. You have noticed that. They found out that I actually wasn't white and I was fully Puerto Rican and they let me go. Where was this shop? I was selling Samsung phones. Not like a... That's a mostly Puerto Rican job. Yeah. All right. Our clientele is very Middle Eastern, very Nigerian. A lot of haggling. Ah. I'm not good with it. Haggling Nigerians. I don't even know how to spell the word so I just gave them a good deal. Do you have the ass of a phone store manager? I'm surprised you let you go. I did work at T-Mobile. That's actually the most Hispanic thing about me. It's crazy. Oh. So why exactly did they let you go? Oh, I was very late three times. Ah. Why? Why were you late? I did Coke till 7 a.m. Ah. There it is. That's why you're shaped like that. Yeah. The mixture of bad food and cocaine. Yeah. As you shaped like that. I say good decisions but okay. Uh-huh. What's the most fun that you've ever had on cocaine until 7 a.m.? My cocaine song is actually You Can Call Me Al by Paul Simon. And I like listening to it in tidy whiteies. But yeah. Yeah. That's awesome. Yeah. You do cocaine by yourself? Oh, it's the best. I don't have to share with nobody. Yeah. I've been there, brother. I just lost my job, Tony. I can't. Yeah. You get home, you go, oh, I still have some left from the party. Now it's time to keep going. Then you jack off in the mirror. That's a good time. Till like 9 a.m. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's too much. It's a real negative experience. Yeah. But for a while, it's awesome when you're in your underwear dancing to fucking Paul Simon. Yeah. It's pretty great. That's a good time. Yeah, whatever. You had a great special on YouTube. Thank you, man. It's incredible how much you look like an unhealthy version of one of my friends. Phillip, can you come down here? I want to do it side by side of you and my friend Phillip. Where's Phillip at? Tony, the cocaine, I actually lost like 60 pounds, dude. So this is the healthiest I've been in years. We're going to do it. Well, incredible. Are you still doing a lot of cocaine? Oh, yeah, I was doing it a lot earlier later, earlier. Hell yeah. You want, you need a bump? No, no, I'm good. Permanently good. Do you have a bump? Nope. All right. I don't do it. How do you afford it if you're out of a job? I'm not really a comedian. I do the shows for the pay and the free drink ticket, so that's really it. You got into fucking comedy for the pay? No, I got it for the free drinks, dude. Yeah. Well, you said pay, y'all. But whatever. Yeah. So even for free drinks, it doesn't make sense. Here's a healthy version of yourself. Stand side by side with me. Fuck it, I don't look like this person. Side by side, side by side. Keep going up, Phillip. Keep going up, keep going up. Whoa, that guy's doing the look. Keep going up. Now stand side by side. Squip to a camera. Look at a camera together. Whoa. Look at the one on the right over there. Look at that guy. Yeah. See the faces? That's what you could look like if you just stayed sushi and didn't do cocaine. And Phil, you've been losing a little weight. I have. Yeah, because when you were jumping, you really did look like that guy. I lost 30 pounds, not like 130. Yeah. So you're saying you should do meth. That's the thing. That's actually more expensive. I tried. No. So incredible. Phillip, do you have any advice for him on exactly how to get his life together? Well, I lost like 30 pounds. Not, you'd need to lose a little bit more than that. Eat healthy, drink a lot of water. You ever hear that? Do less coke? I don't know. More? More coke. I know, Tony, I know you saw me hesitate. Yeah. I was like, is there another Phillip up here? No, you're not. I don't look anything like this dude. Yeah, you look exactly like him. You have the exact same face. Unfortunately, he's just so much fatter. Only I can see it. But yeah, you have the same face. If you like, if something terrible happened and you completely went Lieutenant Dan on yourself, this is what you would look like. This sucks for both of you right now. Yeah, it does. Phillip has a new podcast on the Your Mom's House Network. What's that called? The Not A Damn Chance podcast. Not A Damn Chance podcast. There you go. There's a free plug. There goes Phillip. And Nate Ortiz, anything else crazy we should know about you? You seem like you have a lot of backstory to it. My ex-girlfriend was non-binary. Whoa. Whoa, it was his name. We were the same bra. Yeah, it was great. Was it always non-binary or did that happen when you were dating? I didn't know until we were fucking. And then what did you find out? You used the wrong pronoun while you were fucking? She kept calling me brother, you know, like Hulk Hogan. Oh, damn. RIP. I was like, wait, what? No, I had a lot of hard times with whatever. Because I couldn't figure out words to say during an argument. So I just kept saying shit my dad said. So I was like, hey, calm down, slugger. Yeah. You got that one, champ. You can't call her a bitch. You got to be like, hey, you jerk. The whole thing's so weird to me. Was she non-binary when you started dating her? No, she looked beautiful, dude. We got together and then cut all her hair off. And what else changed other than the haircut? Her pits got hairier. And what else changed? Her legs got, everything got hairier. That was not a good experience. And was she on medication at the time? I don't know, liberalism, I don't know. No, but I liked it because she was the only one to allow me to just face fuck all night, which was really great. What do you mean by that exactly? You mean do cocaine? I put Fupa on the chin, Tony. Oh, fuck me. All right, well, you know what, you actually did good. So here's a big joke. There you go. Just throwing joke books at people tonight. Just bouncing them right off there. Oh, okay, thank you guys. There he goes. All right, another bucket pool. We are back into the 80s. It's 80.2 degrees for those of you paying attention. Somehow it's getting warmer again, everybody. Who likes it hot in here? Okay. Hey, by the way, Dean didn't do shit. Where the fuck is Dean? He gave us two degrees less. Yeah. Fuck Dean. Bring Dean's bitch ass down here. Gonna shave his head. Get my crew cut. Time to start acting right. Bullet another name. Let's go. 60 Seconds sudden interrupted for Joe Philey. Joe Philey. Whoa. Hey. Fuck yeah, mother shit. God damn. Getting real tired again called white trash. I like that I'm like upper middle class trash. You know what I mean? Like we got some money with the problems. Like my sister invents her own parties and holidays. Like she had a skin tone reveal party. If you don't know what that is, it's just she fucked three guys that year and didn't have health insurance and they all came to the hospital. My dad held the baby up like Lion King style. It was like a skin tone. And it was crazy because like, oh no, it sounds horrible. I have to say it, but like how good is my sister's pussy? Because like as a white guy, you know how good the pussy would have to be for me to go with a black guy and a Mexican guy to the hospital to find out if it's my kid. And then you still stay around and raise the black kid as the white guy. Like it was crazy. Two days before I was 12 and two days before I knew that the baby was going to be black. Because we were in the hospital and the black guys said, yo, I need to go get some milk and left the hospital. Like they have it here. All right, that's my time. Thank you all. Joe. Pfeilig. Good job, Joe. Thank you, thank you. Thank you. You've been on this show before. Am I correct? Sure, have I just seen you hiding under my bed? I was like, yeah. The bed, the bridge, but yeah, this is my third time on here. Hell yeah, welcome back, Joe. Thank you, thank you. This had to be your best set of them all. Am I correct? For sure, for sure, yeah. Yes, absolutely. You've been working hard. Oh yeah, working and just, not partying as much. Hell yeah, absolutely. What kind of partying were you doing? Oh, there's a lot of coke. Well, I mean the bag said coke on it, but it tasted funny, but there was a lot of coke for a while there. I don't know, a lot of shrooms, LSD, we, it's 6th Street, like there's no rules here. I don't make the rules of 6th Street. Absolutely, incredible. And how long has it been since you had the operation to remove the backside horse part of your body? About 2,000 years, Tony. Incredible, incredible. I still want to make wishes every time I see you, Joe. Listen, they're saying there's nothing wrong with the water in East Palestine, so I'm gonna keep drinking the tap water in Ohio. You know what I mean? Yeah, where are you from? Well, Youngstown, Ohio. Oh, nice. You are from Youngstown, Ohio? Yeah, I grew up on, well, South Bonn Air, then East Florida Ave in Youngstown. Holy shit. Yeah. Wow, look at you. Yeah, exactly. Even for Youngstown, you're weird looking, dude. I'm the one white guy in the hood they didn't fuck with. I have a look, I know. That is incredible. Yeah, I didn't know it was white hood, I thought it was Amish. No, it's not. The same beard. No. It's not Amish at all in Youngstown, unfortunately. There's very few people that look like Joe Philey. I could see why the black people would get scared of you when you're walking up. Yeah, I was scared the shit out of him. I was like, I said, get the fuck it. All right. I was the needle in the haystack, I guess you would say. That was definitely... Huh? I said I was the needle in the haystack for sure in Youngstown, that was... Right. Yeah. For sure. What do you do for work, Joe Philey? Right now, I work at a weed shop on 6th Street. Okay. All right. God damn, can you imagine buying weed? I must have a good face for selling weed, they love it. I don't know if it's like the Browridge, but they come in like, honey, this weed works. Fuck the THCA label, like we're getting the weed. Right, no doubt about it. They're like, this weed will make your eyes move apart from one another. You have a girlfriend? No, fuck no. What's dating like, being, looking, having a... Well, like, have you heard of the Dollhouse ATX? I know you're sponsored by the Yellow Rose. Uh-huh, and Red Rose. But the Dollhouse ATX is way doper. It's like Pornhub, but you like rent the chick by the hour. You like, they have a search bar, each chick has like categories. They're probably gonna shut... Look, Red Man's not it, he knows, he's been there. Oh, Red Man knows. Well, well, well. Look who's been playing at the Dollhouse. The craziest part was you followed it with the Sunset Page. Like, I can grab my... When I follow the page... Oh, bastard. Order in the court, we hereby find the defendant completely guilty. Yo, isn't your wife here? You can see her at the Dollhouse tonight. No, actually, I heard about Joe White of Aguilas. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay, just... Is it the place where you could like rent like a room? Yeah, that's what he just said. No, we don't go ahead of a room. Oh, yeah, it's like Liam Neeson style. They push sheets in the bigger rooms to divide them up. What's the craziest thing you've done at the Dollhouse ATX? Oh, God. There was like this poor little Colombian chick, and it was like, I wanted a Charlie Sheen, so like... Hold on, nice and slow. Poor little Colombian chick. She didn't have an every 30-cent-only fancy. But I wanted a Charlie Sheen, so like I put some coke on my dick, I had her snort it and suck the rest. And like, midway through the suck, she was like, 200 more, and I just paid it to her, because it was worth... That's not even a lie, like I could... Wow. I wish it was... My parents are gonna see this, they're huge fans. Yeah, absolutely, they are going to see what you're up to. You're also definitely siblings. Yeah. So, 200 bucks, and you basically got a blowjob at a strip club. Yeah, kind of, halfway. This is a ringing endorsement for Dollhouse ATX. I mean, I almost feel bad for the red rose and yellow rose, because this is quite the ad read. Listen, they don't have no hideys at the Dollhouse, alright? If you're going to the Dollhouse, they're a hidey. No doubt about it. They have runnin' hideys. Oh, it's a... Yeah, no. You can run, but you can't hidey. The chicks there probably look like you. There's a couple. Yeah. There's a $50 menu for sure. There's like a 3PM hop, happy hour. My God. It's fourth meal. So you make money at the weed shop, and then you lug it over to the Dollhouse ATX. Oh, that's like a once every two month thing. You're like, you're a red lobster. You know what I mean? Like every two months, you can go... You got some cheddar, baby. You really are from Youngstown. That confirms that everyone in Youngstown thinks Red Lobster is an every two month celebration. It really is. I was shocked when I grew up and got just a little bit of success, and was like, oh, wow, this is not the best restaurant in the world. It's incredible. I was tricked for the first 18 or 19 years of my life. I went there after my confirmation. It was a big deal. The best. The Red Lobster was huge. The best. I mean, you could just count on it. Big shrimp cocktail. Oh, the biscuits? Come on. Come on. No doubt about it. Yeah. So... So you're getting coke on your dick with a sex slave at the place. Sex slave? In Thailand, they felt like sex slave, Shane. Oh, you went to Thailand? Yeah, I've been to Bangkok. Holy shit. I have this look, brother. Like, they know what... When I landed in Thailand, there's like 30 bitches there. Like, he's the one. You probably... If you learn Russian, you'll be fucking sick, dude. You look like a Dagestani wrestler. True. I can't fight at all. I carry a gun. Fuck that. CCW class is like eight hours, and you're just as tough as them. Like, that's... We're gonna read a couple of Yelp reviews here for Dollhouse ATS. The guy from the Geico commercial keeps going. Here we go. We went in here thinking it was a sex shop. We were half right. They have a very small collection of lingerie and sex toys, but they have several women there in lingerie. So I think they might be in the business of selling something all capital letters else. If you want sex toys, go next door. It has a much larger selection. Wait, who the fuck wrote that? It says Matt M. Nick. He's a shit named Matt M. Wrote that. I was on the search for a giant dildo. There was a bunch of naked ladies who wanted to have sex with me. Yeah, exactly. I hate it. There's a four-star review from James. Here we go. It starts with... This is how you know it's good. It starts with, okay, here's the deal. You go in, and there's a lobby. Costs 65 bucks just to get into the main area. Is that true? It's like 55 on Sunday nights and Monday nights. Wow, look at that. On... You want discount. Yeah. Early bird special. Working on a budget. If you want a private show, it costs another 65, and you pick your model. And if there's more than one working there, you've already spent 130 bucks to get a non-new dance. If you want nudity, it's 100 bucks. Is that true? 75 on Sunday nights. There you go. So to get in from the lobby and get a full new dance, it costs 165 bucks total any day but Sunday. If you have money to burn and like the idea of being in your own room one-on-one with a hot model dancing and grinding in your lap, it's cool. I personally prefer that to going to say Yellow Rose, where there's too many drunk assholes making the place noisy. Oh my God, I'm sorry. I'm sorry to our great sponsors. This is fucked up. Look what you've done. I'll mention you when I go there next. No, no, it's okay. It's okay. Get it for the show. Shout out. Shout outs to Kill Tony. What's the worst thing that's ever happened to you at the Dollhouse ATX? Oh, I don't like anything in my butt and the one chick was too hot to say no, so I just let her play a little bit. Whoa, what did she put in here? I didn't realize like the nice thing had two drawers, so she opened the first one and I don't know, you look at like level one through five and it's like I can take five but let's start with one. And I didn't know there was like a level six through ten in the second drawer down. I made it to eight without yelling, so that was... Were you facing the other way or something? You just didn't see what was going on? Like you're face down in the bed and like you're peeping over like she's holding your... She doesn't want you to see what's in the drawer. Right, right. And how much... Wait, you paid, right? Yeah, you could have spoke up. Yeah, when number five was in your aspect, let me talk to a manager right now. That's ridiculous. She was the manager. That was the manager's special. Wow. It was a $75 manager's special on a Sunday and I got panked, all right? Wow. This place is going to be packed on Sundays from now on. This is completely backfired. Backfired is also what happened that day for you. You have a big joke book from here yet? I got a couple. You have a couple big jokes? You have two, but I mean they're pretty full. Perfect, there you go. Fill them up. Thank you, sir. There goes Joe Filey, ladies and gentlemen. All right. Let's do one more bucket pull. We've had a lot on today. We've been flying through these interviews, believe it or not. Make some noise for your final bucket pull. How about another hand for Heidi, everybody? Your final bucket pull of the night makes some noise for Ramis, everyone. Or Ramba. Or Ramis. Oh, okay. Hello, hello. So last time I was here, it was thinking about bags and boxes. Yeah, and I actually worked for a moving company. I was telling Tony that. You know, one time I was moving this dude and I thought he had Downsend's room. So I'm looking at him weird. He looking at me weird. I'm like, I don't know, you know? So I'm trying to be all extra soft. And then he said, like, yo, I went to ASU and I grew up in Phoenix. So I'm like, oh, where, yeah. I did shrooms and I smoked weed and drank and shit. And I'm like, wait a minute, they let people with Downsend's room do that shit? You know, that's not normal. And then at the end of the job, he gave us like 60 bucks. So I knew we didn't have Downs because I was like, otherwise he would have gave us like Cheez-It's, maybe some jelly beans, like a single marshmallow. But you got to take it. You can't, it's going to stick to your fingers, but you got to take it. You can't not say no, right? Yeah, that's my name, Rambe. Thank you. That short of a minute. Okay, 50 seconds from Ramis. I'll take it. Rambe, actually. Yeah, I think there was something. Yup, there's a little space. You left a space between the line down and that S. You might have called the wrong name. No, I didn't. It's your handwriting sucks. I'll take it. Let's go. Can you confirm that looks like a Ramis? No. Separation between the top. 100% Ram, Ram, B, R-A-M-B. Yeah. Oh, but you're saying, oh, it doesn't connect. Yes. I even did a capital B. That's you. Yeah, that's you. Ram, B. Yeah, but you spell like, Ram. Yeah, yeah. Okay, that's fair. That's fair, yeah. And the set was bad. How long you been doing stand up Rambe? I moved here in 2021 and I did about 10 open mics in Wisconsin before that. So about four years, but I have taken some months off because of life shit. My dad popped my pops pass and some other stuff. Damn it. I'm just being honest. I'm just being honest. But I have stayed consistent with writing through that four years. So I've been doing it for years basically. How did that was around about, say the way four years. Yep, got it. How did dad die? leukemia. He beat it once and then it came back. Wow. He beat leukemia once. Leukemia is your mom's name? Depends on who you ask, I guess. All right. So she's going to love that joke. I love it. To be honest. So how do you make money? I work at a call center, a internet company, but I can't say it. You know what I'm saying? You like it? It works for right now. What are the hours like? When do I get there? What are the hours? 10 to 7. Okay. You have any trouble waking up in the morning? You know, before this show, I didn't, you know, I was an early riser and now I'm like, you know what, fuck it, I'm going to sleep till about 9.30. You know, like, you know, I gave myself some leeway. What do you do? It's like, it's like a, what do you call it, self care? Sure. What do you do at nighttime for fun? I go do mics and then I also play. Wow. Random police button from Red Man. I dodge cops, but I dodge cops on Red Man Redemption too. That's kind of shit I do. You know what I mean? Grand Theft Auto. Have you ever gotten arrested? Never. Actually, do you know what's funny? It's a lot of people get surprised that I've never been to jail. Yeah. And when they meet me and talk to me longer, they're like, I can't even fucking believe it, but it's just because I've been lucky to be honest. Wow. You never heard of Samuel DeBull? Yeah. All right. Well, I was in Arizona and at the time, about like 22 years old, I don't, now I think about it, maybe I shouldn't say this. No, go ahead. Fuck it. Go ahead. Let it out. Yeah. Taxes are probably getting me before it is anyway. But, uh, I'm joking. But, uh, he was doing like an ecstasy ring and my dude that I was living with was dealing ecstasy and every now and then we'd make a few bucks on the weekend or whatever, you know. And then all of a sudden we saw the dude that we were getting the pills from in the parking lot on the news. And that was, I wasn't a very good drug dealer. That was the end of my drug dealing days right there. Wow. Yeah. And people were in that ecstasy ring. You can go look it up. It's real shit. Wow. Yeah. And you were in it, but you didn't get any job. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Tony's not incriminating Ram today. Ramus, as you say. Yeah. Ramus. Ramus is going to be a real job. Let's be clear. Ramby. I love it. What's your love life like, Ramby? We talked about this last time. I don't remember. I was back to the bags and boxes and I sang the song about the girl not calling me back, you know. Yeah. Yeah. So she's still like, uh, I'm chilling, man. I'm, you know, I'm really just trying to build my life up and not really worry about that side of my life. Because, you know, no kids. Oh, my daughter is 21, living her life doing her thing. Wow. Yeah. Doing very good. Actually. Yeah. Okay. Great. College and everything. How much did you contribute to that child? I raised her half. I lived in Wisconsin for 20 years, which was a very much a sacrifice. Yeah. Yeah. And she was like, fuck this shit. Hey. And how do you, Wait, where in Phoenix? No, no, no. How'd you end up in Wisconsin? Because her mom was from Wisconsin and so we moved there. And, um, and so I stayed there after we broke up to raise her. I was literally 50, 50% white mom. White mom. How did the white parents take to you, uh, moving to Wisconsin? Pops. Right. Pops. Can you give an example of what that means? These, these people have no idea. All right. The whole family hates me. Right. But how do you know? I've given us an example. Oh man, that's rough, man. Because they might see this. They might. So what's one good little story? You're not naming them out. Um, could be any family. You ever have somebody look at you like this? Oh, like for way too long, right? Like that? Yeah. It was constantly that. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Okay. Even that Thanksgiving, like you're supposed to have a good, hey, let's hang out. Hey. Is that anything disrespectful or anything though? Nothing in particular. Just a look. I almost fought some family members. Yeah. Yeah. Wisconsin was interesting time. I'll just say that. Yeah. Yeah. Like I recently went back there and a bar owner looked at me across the bar for a while. Like, I think I know this motherfucker. Like I'm serious. And he just kept looking at me. And I'm like, why is he looking at me? And I forgot that I tried to fight him about 10 years ago. Yeah. Yeah. You know, it was. How could you forget about that? Well, you know, you live a lot. I'm 47. So if you live a life where you kind of fought some people, you forget. 40. And it's 2 a.m. And he accused me of something I didn't do. So I was extra charged and he's behind the bar yelling to me and I'm like, hey, I'll fuck you up type shit. You know, I didn't. I was, I'm proud of myself actually. And I'm very much matured. I wouldn't fight nobody these days. Incredible. You're 47 years old. Yeah. You successfully raised a 21 year old daughter. Yes, sir. You've avoided getting arrested. Yeah. What? I'm a fucking miracle right now. Right. Yeah. What's your secret? What's your secret? I was born at six months, two pounds, right? Wow. So I've been a miracle over and over again. All them stats. I'm like LeBron, right? You know what I'm saying? Like I'm 47 and I'm still going baby. You know what I'm saying? Amazing. I really feel that way. I wake up every morning like you're LeBron. Fuck you. Not Ronnie. And then you go to a call center and take calls. Yeah, I know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know. I'm like, someone's just yelling get him Shane. I'm gonna get him these fucking beliefs. Let's go Shane. No, I appreciate. Yeah. They took my drink away. Oh, they took your drink? I had some vodka. I had to sit it down. They take your drink? Yeah. Well, I couldn't bring it down the alley. You know what I mean? I could do that. You can't. You would have gotten away with that. I would have told you though. We can do a black fist up. Yeah. There you go. All right, Ranbee. I appreciate it. You already have a big joke book? No, I got a small one. Well, guess what buddy? You're getting in the extra dark. Hell yeah. Edition. Thank you, sir. Thank you. Joke book. Congratulations. To Ranbee? Not Ramis at all. It's Ranbee. All right. It's been a hell of an episode. The hottest episode in the history of Kiltoni. We went from the 80s to the 70s back to the 80s. And I'm pleased to report that we are back at 79.9 degrees right now. 50% humidity, a very rare treat. It does not work for comedy at all. But you guys are a bunch of superheroes and we thank you. Congratulations to you. And for your herodom, you shall be rewarded. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the record holder for all time appearances on the show, all time interviews on the show, the reigning defending Hall of Famer, the Emperor of Express VPN, the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla. This is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery, everybody. Austin, I'm so excited to announce to everybody I'm actually about to start auditioning for my first feature length film. The guy seems super nice. He actually sent the script to my father back in Memphis, which was weird as shit. It's like, how do you even get his fucking address? But I'm really excited of Ozzy Osbourne died, yeah, 30 years ago. I'm doing my first intervention tomorrow and I've got a ton of anxiety because I just don't know, I don't know what to wear. And that's a true one. Okay, let's keep it moving. Ah, it's sad. If you don't want me to join a cult, quit wearing all those groovy clothes and your propaganda videos, and we get free juice, sign me the fuck up. Free love, no taxes, VIP access to a spaceship heading to heaven, and I get to wear the most stylish fits, Presbyterian Church, C.O.S., down. Ask it for that 10% tithe shit, my cult keeps it. God damn it, I miss that part of it. Presbyterian Church, C.O.S., down. Ask it for that 10% tithe shit, my cult wants 100% of my assets and they're going to keep it 100. You know what I'm saying? Have you all seen the trailer for the new moderate to severe plaque psoriasis commercial? Okay, that's my top. William Montgomery has done it again. Alright, yeah, I got, yeah, the intervention stuff. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, I wore a fucking Notre Dame coaches polo to my sister's intervention. It's sad to hotel in Pittsburgh, like, you gotta make some change. So what do you wear to that? Can't wear something cool. You gotta go to Tux, you gotta go to Tux. Tux is fucking crazy. I know you're doing heroin. My name is Bond. Yeah, maybe a coat and tie. I don't have a tux, but I'm a suit. A suit could work. Yeah, where you go Notre Dame coaches polo worked. My sister's stuck doing heroin. Well, too bad I fucking can't stand Notre Dame, dude. I'm a Florida Gators fan. I cannot stand after the whole fucking, after the whole Mantaiteo debacle, y'all handle. I can't stand Notre Dame. No, no, no. How was that a debacle, dude? He was innocent. Also, yeah, whatever. You guys are totally irrelevant these days, so whatever. You had a good run. Maybe this year. Okay, but uh... You had a good run. William, this is incredible. This is the intervention. It's not college ball. This intervention you're doing, is this for a family member, a friend? What are they, what's, what are they on? Are they having a good time or a tired time? I don't know, I think it's a tired time. They're sleepy. Yes, very sleepy. Yeah, I had a sleepy intervention myself. Yeah, very, is that the one with Notre Dame, Jersey or is it another one? Yep, Notre Dame coaches polo. What was your sister just getting really sleepy? She was just getting a little sleepy. She was on drugs and stuff? Yeah. Like downers? Yeah, heroin. And then, yeah, that makes you nod off and I think that's the situation I'm dealing with. It makes you, yeah, well, are they mean a lot now? Have they turned mean when they're not on it? Are they stealing stuff a little? A little bit, yeah, stealing, I can't have them over in my apartment. That's probably heroin and then you go, what the fuck? Yeah. But it's surprising how quickly they come back. There you go, there's that person I liked. Well, we'll see. Well, good luck. I'm praying, thank you. What's your speech? What's your speech gonna be? Yeah, can you give us an example of this? Stop doing hair! Yeah! Yeah, dude, you deserve it! Yeah, yeah, yeah. You gotta stop doing that shit, man! We're all worried about your motherfucking ass! We need you eating cheddar-baked biscuits again. He literally is not hungry anymore. He used to go to fucking that place with me all the time, but yeah, we're gonna get him eating cheddar-baked biscuits again. We're gonna get it figured out. Are you saying cheddar-day? Cheddar-bay biscuits? Cheddar-bay. Yeah, cheddar-bay biscuits. But yeah, oh my gosh, Tony, this past weekend, just to look at old sets, I watched every single, and I've never done this. Tony, I wanna say my heart was melting a little bit because when I'm doing these jokes, I don't really ever see y'all's reactions too much or people up here reaction, and it always made me smile to myself when I could see your ass laughing at some of my jokes. And Red Band, I do have to say, I don't feel horrible about talking about your slutty ass mom every single time. It was like probably in a hundred sets of mine, I was talking shit about your mom, so I did have a very nice weekend just reminiscing over these times. I had never gone back and watched them. Red Band, you brought those prop glasses just for this moment with William? Yeah, these are real. You've been wearing these? These are real glasses. You put them on now? Yeah, I always put them on at the end. So I don't forget them. Wait, you never noticed that? You always put these glasses on at the end. No, no, he's never done that before. Come on, man, this is a classic Kill Tony bit. When the glasses come on, you know it's wrapping up. What do you think about Red Band's glasses, William? I think they make them look a lot smarter, and I had been worried, he's been looking kind of stupid or something, and I think, I think, thank God with those glasses, they make you look a lot smarter. Red Band, I'm kidding, you look like a weird homeless kind of person. You look scary with those glasses. I take them all. Are those even prescription glasses, Red Band? Yes, they are. They are? How much do they cost? 350? That's embarrassing, dumbass. I was thinking you were going to say something like that. So, William. But, you actually do look better. I swear to God, you somehow used to look worse, I think. But, yeah, I mean, you still look okay. You're getting worse. Is this the intervention that you were planning? Yes, yeah, Red Band, we have to get you about of your apartment, man. I mean, we have to get you, I know you've been holed up up there a long time. We know you're fucking super depressed. You've been on VR way longer than normal recently. My girl's a stripper at the dollhouse, man. My girl's a stripper at the dollhouse, man. Tell us about this new plaque and psoriasis commercial. Not many of us have seen it. It's just this nasty looking bitch walking around with all these fucking, like it looks like she got real sunburned on different parts of her body. That's what plaque psoriasis is. It's like this nasty disease people get. I don't know if it's sexually transmitted. I don't know how people get it, but it's just this real sickening disease people get. But, yeah, no. So, the commercial seems really good. It's just getting more, it's going to get people on these pills. Have you, let's go back to the intervention for a second. Have you planned a speech for this? Have you written a speech? I was starting to write some earlier. And I'm going to have to really, I'm going to finish it up tomorrow. Don't do it. Don't read like a, yeah. So I shouldn't read? Yeah, what do you think? Do I go from the heart? Yeah, do it. Do a brand new minute for the heart. I would, yeah, go from the heart on the intervention. If you read, it's, it's great. It better kill. It better kill. Everybody reads like it's a fucking best man speech. I sat in the room and everyone was like, oh, I'm a little nervous. Yeah. So this is about her. Yeah, let it flow. Oh, thank you to the fucking horrible person that belts right there. We're talking about a friend of mine that's quite literally dying. And I hear this monster burp right there. That was you. That was a nice homosexual couple right here. But you burping on his dick, bitch! Wow. It's amazing how you do that. It makes the whole place light up all crazy. Tony, I am stinking tonight. This is weird. I swear, I think they did the formulation of old spice deodorant differently, dude. I've been starting to stink at night now. Oh, yeah. It's never happened before. I've never stunk like this. This is a new thing. Have you changed your diet at all? I just met a muesl out the frame. I'm up to four cups of it a day. And I did shit twice today, which is great because I did go away span of time of three days this past week without shitting. Wow. But I'm doing so much row. I'm at 720 miles on the row machine since January. So I just feel like my body's actually really using all the bananas, all the stuff I'm eating. It's going straight to my muscles is what my guess is. So that's why I'm not do-doing. Because all the peanut butter crackers, fucking bananas and shit, going straight to my muscles. What else goes straight to your muscles? Give us some examples of things that go straight to your muscles. I mean, you know I'm drinking a fucking protein shake with scoom. Oh, fuck. But no, weirdly enough, a lot of jelly beans. I think a lot of these sports people are saying, go down on the sugar note. Jelly beans are good. The popcorn, the buttered popcorn jelly beans, I'm all up in those right now. It's already, and I'm going to bring some to the intervention tomorrow. I feel like everybody loves a day. Yeah, get them hooked on something. Yeah. You think that's good? Try this. Yeah, try these jelly beans. But I got to tell you, a lot of heroin people, they're going to go straight to candy as soon as they get done. He's going right to those jelly beans. Yeah, yeah. If it's heroin, whatever. Is it heroin? Is that the main drug of the person getting the intervention? Yeah, amongst cornucopia of other things. Ooh, cornucopia. He's doing other heroin-end stuff. Other stuff. Oh yeah, it's time for an intervention. Wow. Hurry that up. Yeah. I've never heard you use the word cornucopia before, William. Are there any other new words in your vocabulary this week that you're excited about? It's a little spot. Licensed. Whoa. All right. Wait. Didn't even activate the lights. This is a hard one, Tony. You've got sad horns on that one. Sometimes when you're not passionate about it, you get barely a drum, sad horns, and barely any lights. A sesser. You should do poly-substance drug user. Huh? Poly-substance drug user. That's what your friend is. Oh, a poly-substance drug user? Yeah, you're a poly-substance drug user. There you go. The words, this is a hard one, Tony. I'm so sorry. I mean, I'm really screwing up on this one. It's okay. You can say anything. You can say anything. Ah. Honestly, the ones that you don't really know that aren't that exciting or kind of funnier than the crazy ones. A new word this week from William Montgomery. We're almost there. In tier, we go. Could be anything in the world. It's really... I gotta tell you, it's impossible. I'm trying to think of one word. I can't think of one word. Wyoming. Words are tough. Yeah. Domino! Wow! Look at that. What's the one thing that you're hoping at the end of this intervention tomorrow? What's the one thing that you're hoping that the person that you're giving the intervention to will not say? I ain't ever gonna stop using drugs! That's William Montgomery. This has been the hottest episode of Kill Tony in History. We were able to get it down to 79.2 degrees. Guys, the drawing from Ryan Jebel is in. How loud can you guys get for our guests tonight? Shane Gillis and Matt McCusker, everybody. You did it. Brought to you by Express VPN. Tire season two. Matt and Shane's secret pod on Spotify. Everywhere else. Anything else you guys want to plug or anything? Matt? I'll be in Atlantic City August 16th. Hell yeah. Atlantic City Ocean Casino Resort. Please come. The Kill Tony. Yeah. Thank you. Matt McCusker and Shane Gillis. The band will be at Blue Note in New York City the Monday after Madison Square Garden. 818-818. You got it. This episode brought to you by Express VPN. One more time for the best damn band in the land and our guest Shane Gillis and Matt McCusker. Red band. Check out the secret show every Thursday Sunset Strip ATX.com. Love you guys. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night everybody. I'm a big fan of the show. I'm a big fan of the show. I'm a big fan of the show. I'm a big fan of the show. I'm a big fan of the show. I'm a big fan of the show. I'm a big fan of the show. I'm a big fan of the show. I'm a big fan of the show. I'm a big fan of the show. I'm a big fan of the show. I'm a big fan of the show. I'm a big fan of the show. I'm a big fan of the show. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets.