-♪ The World's Best Song For You, by Stephen Colbert -♪ Welcome, my friends, welcome one and all in here, out there, all around the world. To the late show, I'm your host, Stephen Colbert. Today... -♪ The World's Best Song For You, by Stephen Colbert Today, ladies and gentlemen, the war in Iran reached day 69. Nice. And terrible. As of this taping, we still don't know how Iran's response to Trump's one-page peace offer will be, but we do know the White House is desperate for a deal before the midterms. In a recent poll, more than eight in 10 Americans said struggles of the gas pump are putting strain on their finances. Well, the other two Americans couldn't talk right now because they were busy sucking gas out of their neighbor's Subaru. Yeah. Yeah. Oh. How often I've sucked a Subaru. Businesses are also being hurt. Today, we got a warning that continued supply chain disruptions could push costs higher from the CEO of McDonald's. Yeah. Perhaps this will finally show Trump the true cost of war. Because this man... Because this man did not work hard enough for peace, he could lose his 10-piece. So folks are feeling the pain, but there's a bright side. According to Trump economic advisor, and guy the neighbor said was always so quiet and kept to himself. Kevin Hassett. Hassett went on the Fox business and said that if you think the economy's bad, no, you don't. Why? Because credit cards. I had the head of one of the big five banks in my office yesterday going through the credit card data, and just as Secretary Besant said, credit card spending is through the roof. Yes, things are great. Credit card spending is through the roof. Bottle collection has become very popular. Sales of scratchers have skyrocketed, and there's never been a better time to start a career as a bus station jiggaloo. One way that Trump has tried to downplay the war is to call it anything but a war. Yesterday, at a White House event celebrating Mother's Day, Trump trotted out a new euphemism. We're in a, I call it a skirmish, because that's what it is, it's a skirmish. Yeah, it's just a little skirmish. No big deal, America gets in lots of fights with cute names. In fact, my uncle never came home from the Korean hullabaloo. Trump also talked a little bit about the skirmish on drugs. Drug traffic coming into our country's way down, and by sea, by sea, by ocean, by the water, you know? A lot of people say, what do you mean by sea? Is it sea, like vision? No, it's the SEA. Okay, okay. I guess it is good to always be clear about what you mean. That's why Paul Revere famously said, one of by land, two of by sea. Now a lot of people say, what do you mean by sea? Is it like vision? No, it's sea, SEA, oops, the British are here. Now a lot of people say, is it here like hearing? No, it's here like H-E-R-E, and I died, not D-Y-E-D, but D-I-E-D. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You got it? You got it? You got it? I'm not gonna go fast. Go fast. All right, all right. One guy who was making Trump mad these days is Pope Leo, what with his far left radical soy boy screed of war bad piece good, and which is earlier today, right? It's just today, the White House tried to smooth over relations with the Vatican by sending Secretary of State and non-player character in a video game about celibacy. Marco Rubio, according to the two sides, the meeting went okay, and they exchanged gifts. Pope Leo gave Rubio a pen made out of olive wood with Pope Leo saying, olive being of course the plant of peace, and to be outdone, our government gave the pontiff a small crystal football. I smell re-gift. Pope, they got it with their sports illustrated. They came with their sports illustrations. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pope Leo, he likes to have fun, he's a fun pope, and that goes for the people around him. For instance, the other day, he swore in the Swiss Guard, the original insane clown posse, and at the ceremony, the guard band treated him to an American classic.哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎哎! I... I... Now, for the record, I want you to know, for the record, I had a joke, but what you did was better. Oh. Oh. You want to hear what my joke was? Yeah. And with you... Farbeid for me. Yeah, we're a little long, I'm guessing. Farbeid, uh, for me to offer advice, but if I were the Catholic Church, I would avoid playing any song that includes the lyrics, touching me, touching you. Elsewhere... Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. Elsewhere in the administration, there's news about FBI director and mannequin they used to display the glass eyeballs, cash Patel. Last month, uh, the Atlantic dropped an expose about Patel's alleged massive drinking problem. And according to the Atlantic, the FBI is now launching a criminal leak investigation into the journalist who wrote that article. Coincidentally, also, Patel says after he's had a few beers, you know, I got to go take a criminal leak. That was my... That was my cash Patel impression. I've been working on it for months. Of all the ways the Trump administration has weaponized the Justice Department, this has got to be the dumbest. Keep in mind, leak investigations is supposed to be for officials who may have disclosed state secrets or classified documents. But here, they're going after a reporter for writing about a drinking problem we all can see. Allegedly. How did that reporter respond? Well, yesterday, she dropped a new article, Cash Patel's Personalized Bourbon Stash. Oh, damn. She... She done doubled down. I'll tell you what that FBI investigation is not going to find her in possession of a single f***. Let's talk about someone even crueler than Cash Patel, tech millionaire, and somehow not the weirdest guy at your planet fitness, Brian Johnson. Johnson, you may know, is famous for going to extreme lengths to live forever. You might remember him as the guy who once used his 17-year-old son's blood plasma to try and reverse his aging, slept with a tiny jet pack attached to his penis to monitor his nighttime erections, and then measured his son's nighttime erections and shared the data online. Well, just last week, Johnson took the weirdness to a whole new level. Tweeting about his girlfriend, just gave Kate oral sex. Good night, everyone. That is the most eye-popping sign-off since Walter Cronkite said this. And that's the way I munch it down. Thank you. Then, Johnson then proceeded to share a screenshot of this chart, which is his girlfriend's vaginal health report or the price of crude oil, proclaiming 100 out of 100 score top 1% of all vaginas. And I believe, correct me if I'm wrong, I believe top 1% means her vagina does not pay taxes. So, what makes this the AmEx Platinum Delta's one sky lounge of vaginas? Vaginas? Well, according to the ironically named Johnson, his girlfriend's sample is dominated by the single most protective bacterial species of vagina can host lactobacillus chryspatus, which is also the spell Harry Potter casts to get rid of UTIs. Expecto cranberry juice. Now, what, seven more? Seven more shows. Something like that? For her part, Johnson's girlfriend didn't seem to mind posting, I know this seems unhinged, but oral sex isn't talked about enough. Perhaps, but it does raise the question, where is the right place to talk about oral sex? Thank you all for coming. Grandma lived an incredible life, and she died doing what she loved. Clearly, there's more monologue. We still have more? Clearly, the internet. Clearly, there's no show tonight. None of this can be broadcast. Clearly, the internet is a tough place for children. As a result, a few months ago, the UK government began requiring stronger age checks under the online safety act. But now, kids say they can beat age checks by drawing on a fake mustache. OK, not great. So how do we keep children from reaching inappropriate content on the internet? Here to comment is an age verification expert from the MIT Media Lab, Dr. Rial Grinup. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you so much for being here, Dr. Grinup. My pleasure, Steven. Dr. Grinup, can a simple mustache really fool complicated AI software into thinking a child is a man? Come on, Steve. That's impossible. And I should know because I'm an actual adult man. Yeah, me too. Well, that's good enough for me. Thank you, Dr. Grinup. Well, I have you here, Steven. Can you take me to the corner store and buy me a beer? Why do you want me to buy you beer? I forgot my ID at home. Hold on. I'm beginning to suspect you are a kid with a drawn on mustache. No, I'm very old. I could prove it. How? I watched the late John CBS. Dr. Grinup, everybody. Thank you, Dr. We got a great show for you tonight. Coming up, John Krasinski. Hey, everybody. Welcome back to the show. My guest tonight is a talented actor, writer, and director. Please welcome back to the late show Mr. John Krasinski. Dr. Krasinski, it's wonderful to see you again. Thank you for letting me be your final guest ever. Yes. When they're not here, they're here. I'm going to be the last one. I'm going to be the last one. I'm going to be the last one. I'm going to be the last one. I'm going to be the last one. Yes. When they called me, I genuinely got moved. I got emotional. I cried. And I said, really? He wants me to be the final guest? Yeah. And I'm just so proud to be here for that occasion. Yeah. Uh, I have some... Fire away! I have, uh... I have something I need to talk to you about after the show. Great. Okay. Okay, after playing Jack Ryan longer than anybody, you hung it up three years ago. And you know how much I loved you, Jack Ryan. Yeah, you're very nice. Okay, so now you're back, though, for the new film, Jack Ryan Ghost War. Yes. Uh, what's it about? What's it about? What's it about? There any ghosts in this one? Is it like a crossover with the Conjuring or something? Yes. Because those people print money, my brother. So you've seen Hamlet, right? I have seen Hamlet. I play Jack Ryan's dad, who comes back to talk to Jack Ryan, and I play both. Yeah. That's really good. Yeah, it's pretty good. Incredible. Yeah. Did you bring a clip by any chance? Of course I brought a clip. Do we need to set up this clip, sir? Yeah, you can set up the clip. The, this is... I am teaming up, by the way, with the extremely talented, Sienna Miller, who's joined our world. Oh my God. Amazing. She's an MI6 agent. We have teamed up in this one crazy adventure. And we're in a tight spot. All right.哎哎哎 What? Security door. You're welcome. There's a high-speed chase in this. There is. But it's in the U.K. Yep. So it's on the other side of the road. It was... How much did that freak you out? It freaked me out, especially when cars were coming at me, and that wasn't even part of the stunt. That was just me on the wrong side of the road. Have you had a lot of experience with it on the wrong side? I have, because I married a Brit. I have to go on the wrong side of the road every time I go see her family. We should start saying it's the right side of the road over there. Well... But, um, no, I had a lot of experience. Exactly, the left side of the road. But it literally is. It literally is. I have a bar, if you wanted to think. I've got a bar back there. Is that a bar? Oh, yes. Like, glass or shots? We should do shots. We should do shots, okay. I got... I was gonna reboot this. I got bourbon. I got that Clooney Hollywood tequila. Okay. I got... This is rum from Cuba, so technically illegal. And I got vodka. What do you want? You're a bourbon man, aren't you? I am. Yep. We're gonna do your rules. And this sh** ain't cheap. This is... Oh! You ever had this? No. All the wellers. This is great. Right. I have no idea where we are in this interview, and I do not care. It's all animated anyway. Yep. Oh. Oh. What do you got after this? You got something to do after this? I was gonna put my kids to bed, but I think I'm gonna put myself to bed. All right, this is a sip. This is another sip. Okay, so, you told me when we were doing the Colbert Questionnaire... Do you remember when you did the Colbert Questionnaire? Of course I did. You said that your favorite action... That's right. We arm wrestled. What? What? No. You want to... No, no, no. I was just saying, I remember it because it was before we arm wrestled. We have arm wrestled four times, my friend. That's right. How many times have you won? We have arm wrestled four times. Let's go to the commercial. Let's go to the commercial. You want... You know what? No, no, no. Do you want to go again? No, but we'll... Do you want to go again, or are you scared? We'll earn it. I'm not saying we're gonna go right now. Okay. I just want to let you know... If we slow play it and stretch, I'll go for it. Okay. How about this? You look like a guy who skips leg day. You want to leg wrestle? Wow. You want to leg wrestle? What I lack advice is... I feel like... I make up for and haunch, okay? Okay, so in the Colbert Questionnaire, you said that your favorite action movie was The Dark Knight. Dark Knight, yes. But I have recently learned that you lied. Yeah. And that your favorite action movie is Die Hard. Die Hard, yeah. When I was a kid, it was Die Hard. And then The Dark Knight, I sort of evolved into The Dark Knight because Chris Nolan, who you know, is the greatest. Why did you like The Die Hard when you were a kid? I just... I mean, Die Hard was just the best. It is the best Christmas movie. I was about to ask, is it a Christmas movie? Have you done a Christmas movie? I don't think I have. Quiet place? Quiet place could be Christmas time. It totally could be. We don't know. Yeah, we're just doing the bell silent, like... Yeah. Yeah, you're just hoping like it's the kind of... What do you think Quiet Place 3 is? Christmas movie. Wow. Yeah. We have to take a quick break, but right back with more... John Krasinski, everybody, stick around. Don Krasinski, you know how much I love the quiet... The quiet place films. I love anything where you don't talk. And so excited about Quiet Place 3. Fair. Yeah, you know. Do you always see this as a trilogy? I hadn't seen... I didn't know we were going to make more than one. Was it not going to be a one-a-one-a-gy? No, I don't think anybody thought it was going to be more than one. And then when it made this huge splash, and everybody was so amazing about the movie, I actually just said, I'll only do it if I can think of a story. And then what happened was, yes, in my head I thought... The first one, as we've talked about, is all about parenthood. What can you do? What would you really do for your kids to protect them? And then the second movie is when your kids go out in the world, that fear that you have to let them go out and do their own thing. And the third one would be, if they do go out into the world, what does hope really look like? So this third one's about what does hope really look like? Wow. Yeah. I'm going to choke it up over here. Yeah. Yeah. Now, you get to reunite with all these people that you've made with the films with before. Yes. Your incredible teams. What are you most excited about? I have the absolute greatest crew. It's hard to choose what I'm more excited about. But the visual effects team at ILM, who are my heroes. Those monsters. For anybody who doesn't know, ILM created the Jurassic Park dinosaurs. They created E.T. Industrial light and magic. Industrial light and magic. They do all the visual effects for these huge movies. Yeah. And some of my most favorite... Some of my favorite memories of a quiet place are getting in a dark room. These people were showing me all these different shots. And they're like, the creature comes here. And then we're going to do this. And this is in the background. And so my birthday on... I think it was number two. It was my birthday. And we were going through all these shots. And we were about two weeks from delivering. And I was a little stressed. And we were going through each shot. And then he said, oh, wait. We have one more. And I said, all right, guys, I got to go. And they said, no, no, we just have one more. And they played this clip. And it was my birthday present to make me laugh on my birthday. And this was the clip. And this is a shot of Emily in the foreground. So what this is, is this is me reviewing a shot that actually didn't end up in the movie. But it's Emily in the foreground being emotional about my character in the first movie, Dying Spoiler Alert. And she's looking over to where my body is. And she sees something different. Yvonne? That was fantastic. And then they all saying happy birthday. Yeah, they were just eating me and using my hand as a toothpick. Yeah, exactly. I'm sure you've thought about this. Do you think you'd be delicious? Yes. I think I'd be pretty delicious. Because I don't do leg day, as you said. Right, exactly. And I'm very well marbled. I've been called the Kobe beef of late night. I've heard that before. So here's the thing. Here's the thing. Is that I think we put it off long enough. You ready to leg wrestle? Leg wrestle? Leg wrestle. Did you not hear me before? You need to explain to me what that is. You don't know what leg wrestling is? I think we're both going to the hospital. I thought you have brothers? Mm-hmm. They're what? Okay. Leg wrestling is this. Get up. Let's pull these back. Let's pull these back. Okay. Okay. So what you do is we lie side by side. Yep. Okay. I'm not going to help. I'm not going to help. We lie side by side. It's opening up. Okay, come on. Lie down. Okay, so I'll lie here. You lie there. Okay. Move the mic back. No, you lie the other way. No, it's fine. You lie there. Yep. Are you left leg or right leg? I'm right leg. Mine too. Okay. Okay. So what you do is what? No, this is good. So what happens is, what happens is, is that you go like this. You go one. You do two. Ready? One, two, three. And on the third, you hook behind here and you try to flip the other guy. Okay. I'm so sorry. Can someone call an ambulance now? Just preemptively, preemptively. Okay. So it should be hip to hip. Okay. Ready? Hip to hip. Ready? Are you ready? I love you. But we hook arms. We hook arms. Okay. We hook arms. Okay. Ready? Okay. So the entire group is available May 20th on Prime Video. For one last time, ladies and gentlemen. Mr. John Krasinski. We'll be right back. Here we go. Ready? Go. One, two, three. Thank you for listening to the Late Show Pod Show with Steven Kulbair. Just one more thing. If you want to see more of me, come to the Late Show YouTube channel for more clips and exclusives. When beloved family patriarch Gary Ferris went missing, his family looked everywhere on their property until they came across something horrifying. It's a homicide. Absolutely. The blame game in this family went round and round. This is Blood is Thicker, the Ferris Wheel. I would don't see how anyone can look at this story and think they were happy. Binge the full series, Blood is Thicker, the Ferris Wheel, on the free Odyssey app or wherever you get your podcasts.
