The Adventure Zone vs Romeo vs Juliet: Live in Tampa!

Dear Diary Of all the works of the great Bard Shaky Spear, I confess tonight's show is not my favorite. For one thing, only like six people die in the whole story. Boring! Give me a Titus Andronicus, that dude knows how to spew some blood! Also, if I wanted to spend two hours watching teenagers be sad, I'd buy a ticket for Dear Evan Hansen. Alas, this evening, our patient ears must attend to Romeo and Juliet!uns Jesus Christ. Thank you all so much for coming to our show. That will be the greatest Taz versus. We're not there yet. Is the Bible public domain? Sunday. KJV is public domain, not in IV. We're waiting on that one. Thank you all so much for coming to the Adventure Zone versus Romeo versus Juliet. We're so excited to be here at back in the lovely Tampa Theater. If you are not familiar with this particular season of the Adventure Zone, maybe we could go down the line and introduce your characters. The plot of that season is not going to be crazy important tonight, so don't worry if you missed that one. Let's start with my personal hero, Travis McElroy. Oh my God. Thank you very much. Travis, you're too humble to say this. Travis is playing hurt tonight. He begs, does not say anything, folks. He's quite sick tonight. And so like the heroic Cal Ripken and the bloody sock, he's going to put on a great pitching performance, I guess. Anyway. That wasn't Cal Ripken. Was it not? He begged us not to say anything, though. He was like, guys, please don't say anything. I'm going to go out there and deliver. And we're like, Travis, please, we should say something. No, I said you should say something because the energy is going to be noticeably off. Yeah, we're telling you he's sick, so you don't go over the show like Travis must be going through some shit. Travis is really foaning it in. It seems so sad. I will say Travis is going through some shit, as you could tell from the... Actually some shit is going through Travis. The bids. You know, a lot of shows don't have the fucking guts. Yeah, come on. A lot of shows don't have the guts to put a full value-sized bottle of Pedialight in front of one of the hosts. But we are that kind of class act. Travis, introduce your character, please. Thank you. My name is Travis McRoy and I... Oh, thank you very much. I embody the role of Crawford Mutner, call me Mut. Everybody does. A Ranger, a Hunt Monsters. Oh, and one other thing that you need to know about me. I did post-Galliber from the skull of a giant god and I became the king of England. Yeah. So I'm like, now part-time, like Mountain Man Monster Hunter, part-time... King of England. Yeah, for sure. What about you, Mac? My name is Clint McElroy. Read my notes. Pause for applause. Okay. My through line is pretty straightforward. I was a priest, a monk, who got turned into a puppet. Specifically Pinocchio, the famous... Pinocchio. The most famous puppet. And then became the turbo cardinal. Interim. Interim turbo cardinal. And if you want to say your character's name at any point. Philo, brother Philo. Thank you, brother Philo. And Justin, down there at the end. Hey. My name is Lady Galdwin. I was a lady of high society. I was tragically be bodied in a car accident that was beyond my control. And I got attached to a new body. This muscular thing you see before you tonight. I killed Dracula for his misdoings. And then I retired to a life of relative relaxation, saved when the Macroids need to line their pockets with a few more bucks. Yeah. Then we got a dragger back out, you know what I mean? It's also important I clarify, you killed a Dracula. Just to leave some room open for future seasons. Yeah, that's true. He has continued to manifest in future. What do you mean, leave some room? He's always in it. Yeah, that's a fair point. I'm wearing the cape now. I've worn the cape and a. Oh, wait, is that a Shakespeare cape? It's a Dracula cape with a Shakespeare neck ruffle. I've got a lot of. It's very dead. I've got a lot of shit going on right now from like my chest up. There's too much too much stuff happening. I'm Griffin McRoy. I'll be DMing this evening and thank you so much. With your permission, I would like to get started. Permission granted. It is Sweeps Week in the city of Lumineau and the theater district is popping. Every opera house, black box arena and stage is putting up their best, most audacious, most ambitious productions of the year in a gaudy celebration of the dramaturgical arts. One theater in particular, the Golden Globe, has been teasing an exhibition that promises to quote, blast this city's ass right out of its shorts. A short run series titled Shakespeare Comes Alive. The three of you have received exclusive VIP passes to this experience from its clandestine coordinator, dressed to the nines kind of, I guess. I don't know how much better it gets for a month than a teacher. I only got the one set of clothes, man. I don't know what to tell you. He's a king. Fashion follows him. That's right. That's a good point. You have approached the stage door of the Golden Globe and before you can even knock, it swings open revealing a short, wild-eyed man wearing an old, timey, doctor head mirror thing. Lady God, when you recognize him right away, this is Igor, Dr. Frankenstein's former assistant who was present during your revival in this new body. He says, yes. How can I help you? What's my feeling on Igor? Have we run into each other since the... Kind of crazy you're asking me that. Well, it's like... I'll feel this one, Griffin. I think you have. Thank you, Travis. Yeah. Wait, no. I think you haven't. Okay. Wait. I don't know. Wait, wait. Do I get to decide who I've met? You have met Igor. Igor was there in your first episode of... I also met a genie then, a wish-granting genie. I mean, if I could decide who I met, I decide I met a genie. In the first episode of Taz vs. Dracula, canonically, you met Igor. He was there as you woke up in your new body. Oh, it's so nice to see you again, Igor. Yes, I remember you. I put your head on your body. And a fine job you did. It stays beautifully put. How is that life going for you, by the way? Minimal scarring exterior speaking. Do you want to talk about it? Not with you, Igor. I hope you understand. Of course, of course. You three tonight will be my assistants. Come in, come in. He gestures you inside to follow him back into the backstage area. Wait, man, are we in the show? No, I thought you underwashed the show. It's not a traditional show. It's sort of a one-hander. You'll see, come with me. I was so excited to watch. No, me and Julia. Sorry. Is this like cats? Are they going to come out? Are we part of it? Oh, you're part of it, all right. Though the adventure this evening will be far beyond the scope of what cats can prove. You know, I say that. This really gets you going. Once they get out there, anyway. You see the right production? You're in the right head space. It's transportative, it is. I went to the production where they brought me on stage and turned me into a cat. I got to pick my own cat name and everything. It was the greatest hour of my life. What was your cat name, man? I've fucking... Thimble Thumbs. Wasn't it Thimble Thumbs? It was Pimple Dukes. Fucking Pimple Dukes, Thimble Thumbs. I was Pimple Dukes, the airplane cat. Anyway, as you may know, the Lumenow Chamber of Commerce slashed their budget for scientific funding, so I've had to pivot somewhat into the realm of the arts where that sweet-grant money still flows like the River Thimbs. Nice. That'll never go away. No. He leads you away from the stage down a winding corridor and through a large steel door into a room that resembles the lab of Dr. Frankenstein, a room you three have all been in when you kicked his ass clean. If said lab was furnished on like a quarter of the original budget, he says, putting up a new play isn't really my whole bag, but I do know a thing or two about revivals. We'll allow it. Thanks. Griff, does this look like a bad, cheap, hardscrabble recreation of these tools that will actually work or does this look like a cheap recreation for scenic effect? It's trying to look aesthetically like his lab. Give me an investigation check, please. Okay, Griff. Yeah, man, I love investigating stuff, too. I get a little blame, you all, for getting pretty worked up. That's a 16. Wow. Plus my native skill with investigation, which, like a good barbarian, is zero. 16. 16, yeah, a fantastic role. If you haven't played D&D before, there's a dice with 20 numbers on it, so 16's up there. One of the good ones. One of the better numbers to get on there. It's a little of column A, a little of column B. A lot of this stuff looks sort of familiar from Igor's sort of clinic where you were revived, but there is some stuff that is clearly like maybe Cirque de Soleil came through here a few seasons back and just left some shit behind. Okay. There's a tower of feathers where you're like, that's probably not actually involved. It's not exceptional, but maybe more theatrical than it needs to be. Is there any chance that the helmet that transfers minds into different bodies? You would keep your head on a swivel for that at this point. That is how you became Pinocchio. So I understand that. No, there is nothing like that. There is a skull laying on a plinth in the center of the room, kind of between all of these pieces of equipment. Human? Human? Yes, human, you would assume. All right, Igor, may I? Yes, of course. Okay. Alas, poor Yorick. I was going to go ahead. I knew him, Ratio. You guys are from Hamlet. Yeah, that's good. I had to learn about all these Shakespeare stuff when I became King of England. They're real proud of him over there. I'll tell you what, I mostly just watch movie versions of it. Like 10 things I hate about you and like she's the man. Lion King. Lion King, Nomeo and Julia. Nomeo and Juliet is actually a pretty huge betrayal of the plot of, I don't know if you feel it. Oh man, I'm going to be so confused. He says yes, yes, he takes the skull out of your hand and starts to kind of wipe it a bunch. He says, yes, thanks to some tireless grave robbing efforts from yours truly. We're reviving a big one, the alpha dog of play acting the original theater kid. Samuel Beckett? No, couldn't find his grave, looked for it. David Mamet? No, not Mamet, he's still alive I think. He holds up the skull like a little puppet and is like, it's me, William Shakespeare. Oh yeah, yeah, of course. Anyway, I'm going to bring him back to life and I need a few steady hands to help around the lab and to be there on the off chance he comes back as a mindless ghoul hellbent on devouring human flesh. Okay, you could maybe make him dead again with violence. Yeah, you got him, man. All right, I say let's roll the dice. Oh, I get it. Let's let's bring him back to life. Absolutely. I thought you were making some weird meta meta joke about. Oh wow, yeah, girl, if I can see that now, I shouldn't have drawn attention to it. He places this whole back on the plan. Sheesh. Uh, he angles a few antenna mounted on the ceiling downward towards the skull and he slaps on a pair of goggles and he puts on like a heavy lead vest and he steps behind some safety. Should we have one of those, hey man? What's that? Should we have the vest and the goggles instead? Oh yeah, don't look directly into the electrocoils. No, which ones are the electrocoils? Turn your body's side profile to the blitz. To what? To minimize the radiological exposure. To what? Relative to... Yeah, he flips a switch and the room ignites with brilliant blue light and for just a moment you feel your fillings hum as your bones become briefly visible through your skin and then the light is gone and as your eyes reacclimate you no longer see a skull on the plinth but a full nude man balding with a wispy beard just perched on the plinth like a gargoyle. Uh, and... Well don't leave me hanging, Griffin. You tell me what his hair is like, what his face hair is like, keep going bud. Oh, you want to know about his, about his tempest. Is he hoist on his own pitard? Lady Garwin looks over and says, ass, I like it. He looks at you three and he says... Nice bush, man. In a ghoulish way, is he saying that? He shakes his head. Sorry about that. Frog in my throat. Hey, who are you guys? And where am I and why is my penis just out? You want some pants, man? Do you have spare pants? I gave him my pants. I'm a good king. Travis, you should call him pantaloons. He won't know what pants are. Yes, what are they? Oh, you're gonna freak about. He's gonna go insane. He looks at him, he says, I wear a size 100 of pantaloons. Sorry, he hands it back to you. Igor runs up with a lab coat and wraps it around him for some modesty. And he says, so who are you? Where am I? My name's Crawford Montaner. You can call me what everybody does. I'm the king of England. Wow. I'm brother Philo. I used to be a monk and then I put on this helmet. Holy shit, a talking Peppets. And now I'm not. Ah. I'm Lady Galtwin. Ah. Just the usual stuff here. Lady Galtwin, thank you for your compliments of my push. You're very welcome. So looking around, it seems like it's the future. I'm not sure, actually. I guess so because you've been dead for a while, but I don't know that we've canonized like what day it is. I thought I remembered dying, yes. I make a perception check to see if it's the future. Yeah. Okay. Make a perception check. That's an eight. Here's, you have this thought and it kind of takes you out of shit for a little while. Minus, sorry, minus one. Minus one. Thank you so much. Even worse. You have this thought that kind of takes you out of it for a while, which is that it's never, nor will it ever be the future. It's only ever now. And you go through like a little existential wormhole for like 30 good seconds. He says, so what was it that got me that danged buponic plague? Oh, actually, I don't know. I go, what was it? Of course, bees. He can't see a thing without his glasses. I've never seen the movie. I'm not sad about it. He hops up from the plinth and he says, so what'd you say? Bring me back for time to do one of my big shows. Was it? You ever thought about doing Romeo and Juliet? Get this with garden numbs. I'm not familiar. Romeo and Juliet. You said that. I'm not quite familiar with what that is. You wrote it. Do you know Leonardo DiCaprio? Personally. No, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Personally. No, because I died in the past. Okay, what about Hamlet? Hamlet? That's a pretty boring name for a show. Okay, what did you write? I thought you brought me back because you loved my works. Surely you're familiar with Bonoboie's Big Verona Road Trip. That was you, man? I don't know. I'm being polite. Maybe you're more of a fan of King Wizard's Island Vacation. I missed that one. Mr. McBee's Scottish Snafu. No. Slamlet? Yes, yes, yes. Do you have eight more? Sorry, Griff, was one of those Mr. McBee's Scottish Snafu. Yeah. Okay, I just wanted to make sure I heard you right. I won't make you do a history check. You've never heard of any of these plays. Have we, oh man, this is really, have we heard of the ones that we just mentioned to you? Yes, I would say all three of you would have a familiarity. A person of high society, a learned cleric and someone who had to as homework to be king, which is cool. You all are familiar with Shakespeare's works. These are not among them. But we understand them to be the same as I, Justin McRae. Yes, yes. He looks at you all confused because you haven't said anything to him in response to the shit he just said. Have you any experience with multiverses? Multiverses. Do you know Dr. Strange? No, man, again, I died a wicked long time ago. I thought there was no past or no future. What's your name? My name. Yes. It's Shakespeare. My name is Thrilliam Shakespeare. Okay, there it is. I thought, so do you know a William Shakespeare? There is no William Shakespeare. I have no brother. I have no sibling or other family member named William. Boring name. Thrilliam, what was the last thing that you remember? Oh, I was in the park playing frisbee with my dudes and one of them hit a big old bees nest. And I looked and I said, well, that's none of my bees nest. And then I died. So it was, it was your bees nest. It was in fact my, they made it my bees nest. You made it my bees nest, yes. Two bees or not two bees. It was like a million bees. A million more than two. So not two bees. So you just have a book of one of his shows. There's a big pile. I don't think you gave dad enough credit for that. That was extremely good. It was really good. You don't know how many more chances you're going to get to appreciate him, man. You got to make everyone. He just means you don't tell a lot of good jokes. No, I don't, now hold on. This whole thing's getting away from me. It's kind of grim, isn't it? He's flipping through a pile of his works in the lab and he stops with Romeo and Juliet. He says, bad news. Someone's done a mess about with all my kick-ass plays. I don't write tragedies. You write sins? I was thinking about this the other day. We need you to get the thing to have on like QI whenever a really obvious joke comes up. And I just flashed it on the screen. I should start getting those ready beforehand. He says, you think I wrote a show about dead kids? That's so fucked up, man. I wrote sexy comedies with babes and kick-ass murder fights and silly dudes going on sex romps across Western Europe. Not this sad shit. What is Igor making of this? Igor seems stunned. He is on the phone with the board of directors explaining that the show might not be able to go on tonight. No, the show must go on. So you understand. You see, there is magic in a bard's place. And I am a great magical bard. And some sort of dark nefarious entity has corrupted my amazing magical works. And you know what that means, don't you? You three are gonna have to go into my famous stories. Then stop these foul invaders and put right the tragic fates of these star-crossed lovers. The fuck does that even mean? Any questions? How do we get in? With my magic of bard's star. Right, of course. Everyone ready? Are you familiar with the plot of Romeo and Juliet? Sort of. Okay, well, all you have to do is make sure that all the sad stuff that happened in that book doesn't happen. Hold on real quick. Hey, Merlin! Shit, okay. Merlin appears out of nowhere. He's in gym shorts and a tank top. And he's like, whoa, man! Sorry, bud. I just had two quick questions. Yes, of course, my liege! We're about to be transported using bard magic into Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare, who's alive again. A little pagemaster stuff happening, yes. When I'm in there, do I got diplomatic immunity? By my liege, you have diplomatic immunity. Anywhere you go, you're the king. And for some fucking reason, they've decided that's how that works. Okay, it's in Italy. Oh, it's in Italy? I don't know why Travis would have immunity in the play. As a diplomat. Yeah, I'm visiting. So wait, are we suggesting that Travis would be... Of course I'm immune in England, I'm the king! Right, so you're like, so you're saying in the play you'll still be like, actually, in another reality, I am the king, and so I can steal this money or whatever. Yes. Okay, I just want to make sure I understand the concept. Second question, did they have diplomatic immunity? They do not, my liege. Got it. Was there anything else? When I get back... There's a new season of Love is Blind! Oh, no shit, man, really? Yes. You said we were going to watch that together. Oh, hold on, my reception on my stuff is getting weird. And he disappears. Drillium Shakespeare says, who the fuck was that? It's Marilyn. Cool. Ready? Yep. Yeah. He throws open the book and closes his eyes and the pages sticking outward toward your party, they start to flip as though blown by a stiff wind and your feet leave the ground as you're sucked closer and closer into the book. Whoa! You land in a courtyard. Thud. Of a lofty palatial estate currently in the throes of some manner of grand ball. Based on your knowledge of Romeo and Juliet, this is the Capulet's Ball, where Romeo first meets Juliet and they fall in love. Inside you see red clad nobles waltzing and mingling before a dios where Prince Escalus of Verona sits having his ear tucked off by Lady Capulet. There's a grumbling red clad young man watching the proceedings just with a permanent wary scowl stuck on his face. Outside, in the courtyard with you three, are two guards in red uniforms who are standing in front of the door into the ballroom. Each of them are holding a halberd and a torch at attention. What do you do? I want to talk to the person in the red jacket. I want to see what their story is. Okay, there's two guards there. You approach them. They say, invitation, please. Oh, you're here for the Capulet's Ball. Yes, I am. My name is Lady Galtwin and I'm supposed to be in there. Your name is Lady Lady Godwin. It's a family name. Crazy. So if you can produce your invitations, I'd be happy to get you along on your way. I'm the king of England and I draw Scalibur and make the like Jim's stuff light up on it. Like it's a human sword. Cool, cool flex. Roll an intimidation check for me, please. Unless you're trying to inspire them with your big magic sword. No? No. It is a T. You got a T? So if you've never played D&D before, that's actually one of the worst numbers you can get. Um, a tech cool sword partner. We're all sort of about halberds now. They're way longer. Fair. Uh, hello. Holy shit, a talking puppet. Actually, I am a turbo cardinal. Interim. And, uh, I was asked to do the opening prayer before the big function tonight. Give me a deception check, please, Brother Philo. Because you were not, in fact, asked to give the opening prayer in Romeo and Julie as the book. Sounds like that might be a religion check. Especially for a party that, as far as I understand it, is already underway. If you were giving the prayer, I would let you roll a religion check to tell how kick-ass a prayer you gave. But this is a lie and not a prayer. Alright, I'll do it. Here's my deception check. I would say a nine was good enough for that. Well, do you add anything to it? Or is that including the... Okay, one of them says, Oh yeah, prove it. Do a prayer on me right now. I bet you don't even have enough religion power to do a prayer at me. So should I roll? Yeah, make a religion check for me. Religion check. You better really pray his nuts off though, Mac. Pray your nuts off. Pray that guy's balls right off. That's a ten. So now he's in trouble with his deity of choice. Oh, holy father of God. I don't like that. Put it down. Oh, holy father. Put it down on the table. I will do more podcasting. I'm not going down like that, Mac. Put it on the table. You're going to stab yourself. You're going to stab your wiener, Mac. Stab your dick. Give me this. I'm not living in a world where I have a nerve axe and you have this fucking insane little sting here going... When you said lower, you didn't mean my voice. Yeah, I'm going to Snickersnack this right over here, Mac. Thank you. Oh, holy father or mother if you're more progressive above. Okay. So cool. I love it. Please bless this dolt in the red jacket. Grant him wisdom. Grant him intelligence. But most of all, grant him trust. He was shooting for a ten out of twenty prayer. I'll say on a ten out of twenty prayer, the guard says, sounds legit to me. Go on in, father. Bless you, my son. You two, not so fast. Or daughter. I did. Thank you so much. Thank you. Sorry, I was about to say I was hiding in his robes. You didn't let me finish. Oh, yeah. You didn't let me finish to say the whole time I was hiding in his robes because he's so small. So the whole time I was hiding in his robes, he was on my shoulders. He was six feet tall. Should we demonstrate how that would look? I should have mentioned that. I don't know why you'd volunteer that, Mac. Well, I think we should. I mean, this is a live performance. I'm too aware of your spinal idiosyncrasies to recommend you. And the fact that I'm not wearing any underwear under the clothes. Gross, Mac. Jesus. Man. That's a joke. Go ahead and roll a stealth check for me, please, Lady Godwin, to hide in the robes of the puppet. That is a nine on that one. But with the stealth plus two, 11. You guys got to start rolling funny or fucking numbers. I use a do over point. Okay. No, no, no. On an 11, you get under there and you walk through and the other guard goes, whoa. Wait a minute. Look at the dump truck on that priest. Are they both distracted now? They are distracted. I conch their heads together real hard. Okay. Give me an attack roll. I'll grant you advantage because of how distracted they are by this fucking priest with the generous cake. That's a nat 20. Yeah. They're dead. No, I don't want to kill them. No, on a nat 20, you bonk their heads together really, really good. They both come back from the bonk, stand up, stone faced. They look at each other and they look at you and then they turn and they walk into two adjacent bushes and then fall down unconscious. Good conking, son. You did something crazy to their brains, but you managed to knock them out and get them out of sight, giving you free access to the ballroom inside. The grounds are just a dizzying flurry of activity. The parties really hit full on critical mass. People are out on the dance floor just twirling in synchronized loops while the prince claps rhythmically with glee. Looking around the room, you see a few folks who stick out like sore thumbs from the rest of the party goers. A young man on the dance floor who's just tarant shit up, not really in step with everyone else. One table of guests is engaged in a particularly raucous conversation led by a young man who appears to be pretty blotto. Seated in a corner, surveying the room nervously is a monk dressed in brown robes with a tight as held tonsher up on top of his head. And of course you see the prince watching the party with a young capulet behind him grimacing and peering out over the crowd. You have to stop Romeo and Juliet from happening. What do you do? I'm going to challenge the young man on the dance floor to a dance battle. Okay. Are you sure you feel up to it? Well, I'm not really going to do it on the stage, dad. I'm going to do it in the sage of the mind. I keep trying to add physical bits. I'm sick as shit. Nobody goes along with me. He's sick. Why would you give him a physical bit? He's physically hampered right now by his illness. Because I believe in him. I know. And McElroy's are not quitters. That's right. Incorrect. I heard that cheer and then I also heard that moment of reflection after the cheer like, wait, do I want to cheer for that parenting style? Do I want to cheer into that grim window into the McElroy family? Work for Cal Ripken Jr.'s parents. Wow. I guess. You've chosen the exact audience for sports humor. Yes. Okay. Mut, you approached this wild man on the dance floor. You notice he's not dressed in the same crimson garb as everyone else sort of has. He has the look of a party crasher about him. Right now appears to be the subject of this watchful, capulets eye upon the dais. First of all, if you can give me either a dexterity check, sorry, a dexterity saving throw or a performance check, just to reach him is going to involve a little bit of like getting around all of the dancing that's happening right now. You're sick, so I'll show it. It'll look something like this. Thank you. I'm going to do a dexterity saving throw because I have a plus seven to that. Okay, cool. Mmm. Mmm. It's an 11. Total? But I'm going to roll again. Why? Because I'm sick. No. Because he's sick. I want to have a dance battle with Romeo. With an 11, you get out there. But on your way, there's one couple who is like really, really way too into it. They hit you and knock you down on your butt and this guy sees it. Then I do that move where I kind of wiggle and jump to my feet from the ground with like no hands. Okay, give me an acrobatics check. You can't just say shit. No, I want to do a dexterity check, please. No, give me an acrobat. I know you're sick, but it's not going to mean anything if we bend the rules. God damn it. What happened? It's a six plus four. You fucking kick your legs up and like almost land up and whoop right back down on your butt. The guy comes up and is like, do you need help? Yeah, handsome. He holds down a hand and claps yours and pulls you up. He says, I am Benvolio. What up, dude? What's your handle? My name's Maya Volio. Ah, forsooth. Ah, let's give him something to talk about. Yes, I can't help but notice you're a nadoo well like myself. Here to crash the party and feast on the good vibes of these loathsome capulets. Yeah, man. Would you care to dance? Yeah, dude. Okay, he joins you in a dance. Give me, now just give me a dexterity check because right now you're just trying to mirror this guy's movements. You do not know what dance he is. Unless you want to make a history check to see if you know the old dance that Benvolio is doing. That's a 17 plus 724. Perfect. You match with him. Perfectly. He says, my name is Benvolio, servant of the house of Montague and Romeo Montague's very best friend. Oh, sweet bro. Is it weird I introduce myself like that? No, man. I'm the king of England. Wow, sir. Yeah, bud. Wait, is Romeo here? Is Romeo here? You can tell me, bud. Why would Romeo Montague be at a capulet? Hold on. Oh, yeah, right. Whoa. Hey, Griffin, that was really good dancing, man. He says you matched. Hey, why are you guys laughing? I saw several of you laughing. It's weird. Okay. He says, wow, you matched my crumping beat for beat. He said, why would a Montague be at a capulet function? It seems like you guys are a bunch of bad boys. You know what I mean? Give me a, maybe just a charisma check. You're laying it on here trying to ingratiate yourself with binfolio. It's cocked. Well, respect it. Okay. Now that's good. It's a one. That's a listen. That is funnier. You got to say that, Griffin. You said you wanted funny numbers. He says, I've never even heard of Romeo. What? Don't even know anyone by that name. All right, cool dude. Hey, I found out about an after party. No. Yeah, man, if you want to get some folks together. Of course. It's probably the after party I totally know about. Yeah. 100% man. The one at the church. The church. Which is the one on Elm or? No, no, no. Which one is it? The one on Elm East. Oh, that was weird. A weird exchange we just had. Of course. And what time? Like what time? Well, I mean, here's the thing. You've thrown this guy off. He is off his groove. He is concerned that there's a party happening. He does not know that. Yeah, don't spread this around, man. But there's people over there now. It's like, I heard they've got drugs you've never even heard of, man. Drugs? Yeah, it's called like Queen Mab. Sorry, friend. This is your one. Your one charisma check. I'm straight edge. And he dances away from you. Let's jump over to you two. What do you, what do you do? Do I see any young, young ladies in the crowd? You too. You see a lot of Capulets. A lot of, I assume. Oh, great. I'll wander over to some of the young ladies. Excuse me. I hate to be a bother. Do any of you know Rosalind? Okay. One of them looks up from her little fancy finger cakes and says, Yes, I'm Rosalind. What do you want? I don't recognize you. I've got some bad news, Rosalind. There's a hurricane named Juliet and she's coming for your man. It's time to batter down the hatches, sister. We've got to get everything ship shape and we've got to get that man. It's a sentiment very popular and cool. We're going to go get that man. Do what it ever takes. This is not a lie. So I'm not going to make you roll deception. However, you, with all of your knowledge of like high society politics and stuff, you know that you just walked into the Hornets nest and we're like, What's up? I'm in charge. And so I'm going to need a persuasion check from you. It is something you are sort of familiar with in this space. I will grant you advantage. Excellent. That's not the right time. I'll do the one with 20 numbers on it. Thank you. That is a 16 plus 319 or a 18 plus 321. Oh yeah. With a 21 Rosalind sets down her tiny cake and stands up and walks close to you and says, Forsooth, you mean to tell me that my own kin is trying to swoop my bow? It's not intentional. We need to support women. I'm just saying there's you to look after too. So what, I mean, what should I, what should I do? Matron, tell her, tell him about it. Tell him all the ways you feel. Give him every reason to accept that you're for real. It's simply not. Let's give them something to talk about. Go to Romeo. Tell him how you feel. My kindly old maid, I, it is simply not. Let's be careful. We can always be kind, can't we? There's always time to be kind. Have I been unkind enough? Well, far be it for me to call out the misbehavior of others. That's rather rude, but I'm just saying maybe everyone in the room should think about how often they're calling others old. Of course, madam, for Soothe and Adnan. I will... Say it for Soothe one more time. Say it one more time. I will go find my Soothe and remind him which side upon which his bread doth be buttered. And she walks away and then she walks back and she's like, that was a gross metaphor. It's, it dies with me. Okay. Sorry, who are you? This is a capulet function and I do not recognize you. Yes, that's... Lovely young matron. Yes. My name is Sarah Jessica Parker. Lady Sarah Jessica Parker. It is, I will say... The third? Fairly. Okay. Of Debon Chire. Okay. My name is Lady Sarah Jessica Parker, the third of Debon Chire. For real. And that's it. And that's all there is in it. I'm sure. I've thought about it. That's it. I hate to do this to you, but I do... At this point, you're lying so hard. I will need a deception check from you. If you just lie about your name, I'll let that slide. If you lie really hard about your name. Okay. So that is a nine plus zero. Okay. I think my fam Adam, you added some shit on there at the end, but I will go and track down my man and remind him of which bread he... No. Well, I... No, we're just going to tell him that we like him and would like to kiss him on the mouth. That's it. Just make it up. I must away for... I gotta buy. And she goes running off. You see her run outside. She goes outside, runs away. She seems nice. You hear her shouting from outside. You hear, Romeo! Get your ass in here! Where's your ass, Romeo? What about you, Brother Philo? What are you doing? Brother Philo makes a beeline for the person dressed like him. Okay, great. You walk over to the corner where you see this humble garbed monk who at a glance appears to be very uncomfortable in this party surrounding. He is definitely not joining in the revelry. You can't help but wonder what a man of the cloth is doing at a rager like this in the first place, which is, I had that written down, actually a pretty hypocritical thing of you to think, I will say. Well, now that's messed up. Yeah, man. Judge not, brother. He says, ah, greetings, my child, come us to thou to give thine. Wait a minute. You look like me. Yes. I am Brother Philo, and I am like you. My brother in Christ. An humble, yes. Right? I'll show you my cross, but he took it away from me. Is Friar Lawrence also a puppet? No, sorry, hold on. Holy shit, you're a puppet! Sorry. Yes, I know. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Hey, Jesus. Sorry about causing. It's been a minute. It's been a minute. I feel like I'm owed one. Anyway, amen. Thanks. I don't think that's enough. I think I need to take your confession for you saying shit. Ah, shit. You did it twice. So by the rules, I take your confession now. All right, let's do a mutual confession. I can tell that you're not particularly comfortable here in these circumstances. The party? Yes. Not my thing. Is there a vestibule anywhere where we could sit and mutually talk? You know, as luck would have it, they have a confession vestibule on the ground, so the capulet manner. Please, let us go, let us go and confess to each other. Sounds good to me, man. Left booth or right booth? All right, so we go into the booth? Sure, yeah. I mean, he asked you a booth. You don't answer, so he just kind of looks weird and goes in the left booth. Okay. So, who's going to go first, my brother in Christ? You're on board with Christ, right? Oh, yeah. Cool, cool. I'm down. I'm down with... That hasn't ever been established in Taz versus Dragon. I'm down with JC. He's just all right with me. You're actually an order of st. Tancred. Give me a deception check, man. You're lying about what God you're on. I'm not lying. So you've got to be real careful about jokes, Dad. Griffin's getting him to be a real sickler. Yeah, I can write. No, I... Don't make you roll for jokes now. It's messed up. We'll roll a charisma check in a bit. Okay. You're in the booth, he says. So you're at two cusses. Why don't you go first? Give me the confession. Maybe we'll. My best. Well, can we join hands? No, we're in two different booths. You asked for this. No, there's a glory hole in the middle. There is a... For God's glory. No, there is a slot. Can I have some more wine, Paul, please? There is a slot. Okay, yeah, it's the hand slot for holding hands, I guess. Oh, thank you. What do you have to confess, my brother? I will tell you. Thank you, Paul. I am... Griffin just called for that when I'm looking at a timer that says we're supposed to break in two minutes. No way. This act is going away. Over that, baby. I hope you're all comfortable. I take his hands and I look at him and say, I am about to commit a sin. And I cast Shocking Grasp. What? Heck yeah, dude. You're certainly non-lethally. Non-lethally. Make us melee spell attack roll against the target. I have advantage on the attack roll if the target is wearing armor made of metal. I'll say he does have on a metal cross. So take advantage on your roll. That's not what the traditional read of the spell is, but... He also has a lot of fillings. So what am I rolling? You're rolling a D20 plus your spell casting modifier. 13 plus 3. 16, yeah. Okay, you shock him really good. He's going to go ahead and take 1d8 lightning damage, and he can't take reactions until the start of his next turn. Whoever thought that Fire Lords would have a turn in Dungeons and Dragons. So roll 1d8 lightning damage, please. 1d8. I'll roll it. No. Rew. What was that noise? Seven. Which knocks him out, right? No, look at the timer. He goes, ow, fuck shit, ow, fuck shit. It's just shocking grass, right? He goes, why did you do that, my brother? That hurts a great deal. It was static from the robes. I'm sorry. I mean, I guess we're here to confess stuff to... Can I go now? I am sorry, I apologize. That's fine, it was that. It is your turn in the turn order. Yeah, right. He holds his hands through the hole and he's like, okay, time for me to give my confession, I suppose. I wasn't done. Well, turn order does dictate that. I have other sins. Yeah, but now it's his turn. I mean, it's just combat. You initiated a combat with Friar Lawrence from Rivia and Juliet, so now he's going to take his turn in the combat against you and digaxes such as the dragons. This did not put his name on what's happening on this stage tonight. He takes your hands, he says, okay, my turn. Let me think. Oh, okay. One little thing. I have given unto Juliet counsel most unwise in fearing for her arranged patrol with the Count Paris she inquired of a means of looking dead. So she canst flee with her beloved Montague by birth, who she only met like eight minutes hence. But I gave unto young Juliet a foolhardy tincture whose poncy you may find difficult to believe with but a drop upon thine tongue thou slippest into a slumber most deep to a passing eye thou wouldst appear as graveyard dead. Other than that, though, I'm doing pretty, I cussed six times. So he's already done, so he's already done the stuff. He's already done it? Because I was getting pretty excited because I thought that was about to toast his ass. And then we were going to make the leap home because if he's dead, they can't kill each other. No sad stuff. Do you have any more of the sleeping draft left? You're holding? I assume you do because you, you know, didn't know how many people you'd have to administer it to, correct? I always carry a little bit of feigned death potion around with me and I go, it gets me out of a lot of scrapes with Johnny Law if you know what I'm saying. Yes. Sure, you want a little bit of tincture, brother? No, but your penance will be to drink that draft. What? That's crazy. You trust me. I love it. No, I do trust you implicitly. But you do, you promise you'll tell someone I'm not really dead, right? I will tell them. Absolutely. They'll throw my ass. Drink up. Drink up, Shreiner. I don't want to go in the, like, the fire. No, I will tell everybody that you're not dead. Don't put it in the Black Death Trash Can. As a matter of fact, they put me in a Black Death Trash Can. No, no, I promise to say something. No, no, no. Okay. Just to be sure, show me the antidote so I'll know to give it to you. Why is he doing this? Antidote? The antidote is two nights of the best fucking sleep you'll ever have, mister. Seven times. Sorry, sorry, Jesus. Make a persuasion check to get this vial of sleeping draft off of him, please. Okay. A persuasion check would be... Oh, that can't be right! What do we do? I'm gonna, I'm gonna use... It's a one. It's a one, so let's move forward with that. Everything hinges on this. I know, that's why it's so funny that it's a one. He starts to drink it and the vial drops out of his hand, smashes it on the floor. I run over and I jam a chair under the handle of the confession so he can't get out. Okay. That's weird. Sorry, I dropped my thing, but the door is stuck on my confessional. Could you get out and help me out? Oh, sorry, I was gonna say I prefer Brian, for our tuck, then I was gonna shove the chair underneath. Okay. That's weird. I don't know why you would say that person outside. So if you could just let me out, because I did drop the potion and I can't drink it unless I lap it up like a nasty dog. Yeah. And I'm not gonna do that no matter what. No, yeah, I understand that. I tell you what, this is a confession, so I assume it is soundproof. So instead, as a bonus action, I cast Alter Self on myself. Okay, okay. Now we're cooking. I thought you took dad. Backstage, Amanda told you without a moment's hesitation that you look like a penis right now. And I thought you took that off. That's someone, dad, I wanna say, that's someone we pay. Like, technically, she works for us, and she told our dad, you look like a penis. So I thought you had taken that off. I mean, when you asked Amanda, this is true, Amanda helped him put it on, and she looked at him, and dad said, how's it look? And I said, well, it looks stupid. It's awesome. And he said, and then she said, well, you wanted it to look stupid. And he said, yeah, and she said, well, it looks stupid. And so now how stupid do I look? I now have a tonsure, just like Father Lawrence. Yeah, Father Joey Lawrence. He says, he says, I do like your cut. So if you could just get out and let me out of my confessional, this potion actually, some of the vapors are starting to float up here. Yeah. And they're getting a little funky. No, I'm out of here. OK. And he leaves. You leave the confessional. You hear the door rattle outside, but the chair wiggles a little bit, and it's making quite a bit of noise. What do you do? I said the confessional on fire. No. Jesus Christ. Take that. I say, shh. Give me a fucking persuasion check. The most terse persuasion I've ever heard is just a request for someone to be quiet. It is that it doesn't depend on the tone of the shush too, on what role it is, right? Like an intimidation shush. 19. OK. OK. So that was a persuasive, argumentative shush. Yes. Not a scary shush. You hear silence from inside the booth for a moment, and then you hear, oh fuck. As he falls down to the ground, Father Joey Breyer Lawrence is, uh, Freyer Lawrence is out of commission. Now I move the chair. What's that? Now I move the chair. Or is he? No, it is. It is. Alt herself to look like Father Lawrence. Is that what you're doing? Yes. OK. Please don't yell in the mic anymore. Father Lawrence steps out. It's you of the confessional booth. Uh, the other one is in the other side of the booth. You've moved the door. Now, I guess just hope no one goes in to do a confession. I hang an out of order sign on it. Yeah. Men confessing. We've got one of those yellow things going on the hallway. No, it's the connection to God is loose. Yeah. We've got to tighten that back up. Your reception's being weird with the Lord. Yeah. You, uh, you step away from hanging up this side. I will say you kind of put the last English on, on this ball of changing the story of Romeo and Juliet as that happens. Does an 18 be your AC? Who are you speaking to? It does. I'm talking to you. Yes. Yes, it does. An 18 beats your AC. Um, what, what were you looking at? I was looking at the table of, uh, rockest party boys. Uh, you were looking at the table of rockest party boys. Okay. Um, you are going to take, uh, eight points of piercing damage. Okay. And, uh, you feel that just for a moment. And then that pain is like, whatever, man, was there even any pain to begin with? Uh, looking over at the table of rockest party boys. You see, uh, this, this raucous drunken man who, uh, looks rather tipsy and you look over there and you find yourself just entranced, uh, charmed by them. Brother Filo, uh, does a 13 beat your AC, Brother Filo? Uh, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Brother Filo. Um, yes. He didn't even have his character sheet loaded. I, I did. What the fuck? What kind of like, it's literally, I want to record for history. His iPad right now at this moment is just pictures of snowflakes. I wish. I wish. Justin, can you unfuck whatever? Like that's, Mac, that's a new low man. That's crazy. You can't be on stage with a Windows 95 screensaver. I know that. Look, it's not a bit, it's not a bit, it's just pictures of snowflakes. And it won't go away. I'm looking at real people in the crowd, real people that pay real money to be here. And I'm telling you, my dad's iPad is just snowflakes, guys. It's just snowflakes. Let's just say no. Okay. That he didn't hit. As punishment, it does hit. Um, perhaps because of your unique material composition, uh, you hear a sound, a sound. Uh, you do not feel any other ill effects aside from, uh, four points of piercing damage. Lady Godwin. Yup. That is a three. Uh, does not be your AC. It doesn't minus 14. I know that as well as I know my own name, Griffin. You, uh, look around and you see one of the, uh, the women that was part of sort of Rosalind's posse, uh, sort of reacts with the start and then stands up, uh, and looks around the room. And then you see kind of walks towards the prince, uh, out of nowhere from outside everything. Okay. Over there because it looks like you're trying to hack dad's fucking files. It's all good stuff. Griffin, I'm almost through the ice, baby. Uh, you all see Rosalind run back in the room and she is weeping. She is so bummed out, uh, and she runs up to you and she's like, I found him. I found him. Lady Sarah Jessica Parker, the third Yorkshire Yorkshire. Sorry. I'm Demonshire. That was a test to pass. I found it, but he said he's quote all about Juliet now. Oh, no. And that I should, uh, take a hike. Oh, but anyway, if you want to find him, he's over by the balcony for some reason. We'll take a break here. We'll be right back after a brief intermission. There's posters in the lobby. Please go check them out. They're very cool. We'll be back in a few minutes. Hey, a couple of quick announcements too. Before we get back to the episode, um, we've got a bunch of cool stuff over at macroemerge.com. If you haven't checked it out, you need to go through that. 10% of all merch proceeds this month will be donated to border angels, uh, macroemerge.com. Check that out. Also, Griffin's book, the Stowaway is out now to choose your own adventure adventure. Um, go to bit.ly slash griffin stowaway and get all the information there and find it at a local bookstore. Thank you, Travis. You're welcome, Griffin. And Justin's great too. He does cool things. Whatever. All right. Back to the show. Max Fun Meetup Day is on Thursday, April 23rd. Max Funsters from all over are getting together to hang out and celebrate their favorite podcasts. Want to go and meet some friends who like similar stuff and care about the same things as you? Head to maximumfun.org slash meetup to see where and when your local meetup is. Don't see one nearby? Host your own and make some new pals. All you need to do is pick a place that could hold a small group, a bar, cafe, park, library, wherever, then fill out the form at maximumfun.org slash meetup. We'll add you to the page and help get the word out. So go to maximumfun.org slash meetup and maybe we'll see you on April 23rd. Hello, this is Alden Ford. And Mujonzo Fogari. Two of the creators of Mission to Zix, your favorite improvised obsessively sound designed sci-fi sitcom here on the Max Fun Network. And the news is... We're back! We're back with an all new miniseries set in the Zix universe. The young old DERF Chronicles. Yeah. Well DERF, find his own killer before it's too late. To find out how that question could possibly make sense, well you just have to tune in. Yeah. And as always, it's ambitious and labor intensive to a frankly absurd degree. Indeed. So if you are looking for a little break from your own galaxy, we would love for you to check it out. That's the young old DERF Chronicles. Search Mission to Zix, ZYXX, and your podcast app. Or on maximumfun.org. Keep it fresh. Hello. Thank you for coming back. Before we get going with Act Two of our show, we... I'm sorry we didn't have enough music for you to triumphantly walk on stage. We made you settle on in silence. I apologize. We have posters out in the lobby. You can grab them after the show if there's any left. Thank you to Maddie who designed the posters for us. They're amazing. We also have some challenge coins out there for Mbem-Bem listeners with both your themes. You really get your money's worth. And all proceeds go to Feeding Tampa Bay. We don't have a confidence monitor out here this time. So let's get right back into it. Absolutely. So we're at the balcony, right? You all have made your way toward the balcony following Rosalind's tip. You make your way out through the courtyard and you are standing at the foot of a 10-foot-high stone wall. Beyond it, you can hear two voices engaged in passionate conversation. The balcony scene that you all know is happening right now, some 20 feet beyond the wall. What do you do? There is nothing these clowns hate more than a wall that gets in their way. The way their minds work is they're always inventing the most preposterous solution to any problem. So wall really throws them for a loop. Yeah. We heckle. Yeah. You heckle the wall? No, we heckle the speech. I'm going to check this out. I'm going to use my athletics skill to climb the wall. Whoa! Listen, no, no, no, no, no. This is important because you're probably thinking, because of my heritage as a barbarian and some of my physical attributes, I have a talent for athletics. So that's reflected in an increased score when I roll. If you've never played D&D before. If you've never played D&D before. Okay, give me an athletics role as you start to climb. Son of a bitch. I mean, okay, I rolled an eight plus six, 14 to get over 10 foot wall. Absolutely. With your barbaric might, you are able to find grooves in the cobbles to climb over. You drop down into the bushes on the other side of the wall. I didn't say that. And oh, okay. I throw a rope down that I also have in my adventure gear to help my fellow adventurers scale the wall. You reach. You reach into something the three of you all have, which is at this point a cobweb covered adventurers kit with a bunch of shit in it. You move this hemp and rope. You open up a tinder box and 12 cockroaches climb out of it like, oh fuck. These are material components for border guys magical watch talk. Let's get here. And you hand down some rope. Your two compatriots now have a much easier way of getting up over the wall. I summon a gorilla using summon beast Travis said to us backstage. We don't have to move at rain pace, but I am feeling pretty bad. So don't don't stretch it out. Your solution for climbing the wall is some in a fucking gorilla. I love it. It doesn't feel that bad. It is what you're saying. Gorilla appears in front of you, but a spiritual gorilla. It is a he's yeah. He has that he's so soulful. But is it deeply deeply lands in front of me was like hmm. Hmm. Yeah. He is looking towards you for any kind of he immediately goes fucking crazy and starts just tearing shit up. Take me. Take me over the wall, man. Give me an animal handling check with advantage. This is your own spirit gorilla. I don't know if that's how this works, but it's how it works today. Maybe really taking your time with these rocks. I have advantage. Thank God. Okay. So what was the animal handling? Yes, please. So 13 plus. 13 plus seven. A gentleman's 20. A gentleman's 20. The gorilla looks at you, looks at the wall. There's a rope. He says, uh, no problem boss. And he scoops you up and throws you over his shoulder, leaps over the wall without using the rope. He looks at the rope. He says, not for me. And he goes up over the wall. Thank you, sir. Bananas. He sets you down in the bushes on the other side of the wall hidden from the scene taking place and then looks at you like, what other stuff you got for me? Listen, he's going to blow our cover. So I tackle him. With the gorilla? Attack on the gorilla. Shh, be quiet. Uh, okay. Uh, make an attack roll against the spiritual gorilla. God, if you had a dollar for every time you said that, huh? That's a 10 man. Total? Just like 10. No, it's 10 plus six. Okay. Yeah. 16. He acts downward through the head of the gorilla and he not only though he disappears into a puff of ether. He's not real. Okay. I just was trying to get it in there. All right. Now you're summoning back. He reappears. Hey, boss. What's that ladies deal? Just be chill, man. What? Okay. Go over there and kind of distract them for a while. Well, we figure out what to do. No problem. Before that happens, brother Philo, you're alone and you look like a human. Before you there, two choices. A rope and a gorilla you could beg. Now the gorilla is off doing his own thing now because of Travis's choices and actions. Okay. Then I'll do the obvious thing and cast levitate. Yeah, sure. You levitate right next to the rope. You go up over it. I'm using it like a guide so I know what direction to go. Okay. That's great. Which is up. I reach into my adventures kit. I get the oil from my lamp and I use it to set the rope on fire. You hit him with the old Kevin McAllister burning rope trick, but nothing happens because he is levitating. Right. So your rope is destroyed. It's a great purpose in the universe fulfilled. You hover over the wall. I will say with the guiding rope before it burns up. You don't have to worry about going too high and blowing your cover. You do as you mount the wall. Gorilla just run over there and he is going to attack Romeo. On the ground you see Romeo say with love's like wings did I. No killing sir Nanner. That will be very distracting. You hear as he is going on. You shout that he says sorry. Oh my God. And the gorilla is going to attack him. I'm going to take. But I said no killing. Okay. You do say no killing. He'll hear that. He is a gorilla. Give me an animal handling check as you shout out to him. No killing. I'll grant you advantage on this. It says it obeys your verbal commands. Okay. Well then fine. He won't kill him, but he is going to hit him. Okay. If he dies as a result of that, that's kind of out of his hands. He's a gorilla. I don't know. I don't have Romeo's AC written down here, but it's almost certainly lower than 14 plus gorilla strength. So you see Romeo go for stony limits cannot hold love out and what love can do that. And the gorilla just grabs him by the ankles and swings him overhead and smashes him down into the ground. You hear Juliet from the balcony. He shout like what the fuck what I see Juliet in the balcony. Now reach for my rope. No problem. It's gone. Oh no. God when you fall. Who's out there gorilla? God's God's. What are the rest of you doing? I can't. I run to Romeo's side. Okay. I think at this point the gorilla has called off the attack knowing he can't kill. It's not fun for him anymore. So he just kind of walks up. Do you dismiss him or how long does your gorilla last? off into the forest. I send him home to the spiritual realm. Okay, he walks off into some nearby corn field of dream style. Sorry, what were you doing, Friar Lawrence? Runch to his side. Okay, as you run into view of the torchlight, Juliet says, He said, Friar Lawrence, Friar Lawrence, what's happening? A wild ape beast has attacked my love Romeo and on. Oh yes, I- Why are you speaking in such a strange manner? That's how I remembered his voice from the first act of the show. No, my Friar in Christ, it was nothing like that. Hold on, and I run ahead, kneel at Romeo's side. He looks up at you. Juliet's still there, did I shit my pants? Hold on, let me check. Okay. Oh God, give me either an investigation or a medical check as you look over Romeo to see if he shit his pants. Boy, this is one I don't want to do well. Medical. That would be the Nat 20. Nat 20. Just when I needed it most. You did. With a Nat 20. Show me that shit. As he climbs to his knees, you can see he did not soil himself. You do notice as you are giving him a look over, there is something wrong with the back of his head. There is something strange happening there that you can't quite put a finger on. But I put my finger on it. With a Nat 20 medical check, you reach to kind of feel what's going on there. Your hand touches something invisible as it does the illusion breaks. There is the shaft and fletching of an arrow sticking out of the back of Romeo's head that was invisible just a moment ago. Now you feel it there. And he says, thank you for I am feeling right as rain. So anyway, a lack there lies more peril. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Yeah. Hold it. Do you know that you have an arrow sticking out of the back of your head? He looks at you like you're off your fucking nut, man. I pull it out. Hey, the arrow out of his head. Yeah, no. Stop it. You're embarrassing. Get your mind out of the gutter. You have parents. You vassals. Describe the manner in which you're removing this arrow. You got to push it through the other side. Oh, no. I was going to jerk it out. No, no, no. Stop it. You fucking freaks. Show me. Jerk it out. I'm going to say straight up strength check, then, please. Give me a straight up. Wow. Okay. Couldn't I heal him or something? No. No, no. Okay. Strength check. I mean, if you want to heal him, yeah, man, it's Dungeons and Dragons. That would be a more normal ass thing for you to do. But the arrow will still be in there. Yeah. That's a great point, Griffin. No matter what healing is about to take place, job one is getting this fucking arrow out, man. All right. Give me a strength check. Strength. Here we go. That's a six. Okay. You jump up on his back and grab this arrow and tug it backwards and he says, but thou love me. Let the arrow. What? What the fuck was that? What are you doing to me back there? I am punishing you for your lost. Is that how it works? Yes. In my order, yes. He looks around and is like, man, that hurt a lot. I don't know if all this is worth it. Well, let me tell you something. There is something wrong with you in the fact that you have an arrow in the back of your head. An arrow in the back of my head. He starts screaming bloody murder and Juliet looks down. Now that you've said that, the illusion breaks for her too. And the other two there, you can see it now. There is a big arrow sticking out of the back of his head. He is screaming, running around the yard. Juliet doesn't know what to do. Get it out! Get it out! Don't get it out! I don't know. I'm not a trove of a... I'm the strongest one. I'll pull it out of his head. Okay. Give me a strength check, please. Cassie sees you walking towards him. He's like, no, no, don't do it again! Don't do it again! That's okay. No big deal. No problem. I rolled a 17 plus 320. Yeah. You hear one last shriek and then... Ah! That's actually a lot better now. Thank you. He stands up. He's like, well, that hurt a great deal. I should probably head to the Italian hospital and get this scene too. Thank you so much. And you up there, I guess, thanks. Whatever, man! He starts to just walk away nonchalantly away from Juliet who's like, but wait! My fair Romeo! Thou art the East! And ah, fuck, wait, no! Where are you going? Don't just walk away! She seems really upset. Romeo's just kind of fucking dipping. No problem. I mean, okay. It's better. I'm gonna walk with him. You start to walk towards him. I need actually all three of you to make a dexterity saving throw, please. 15 plus 217. Ah, with a, okay, yeah. Cool. The other two? 11 plus 718. Yeah, absolutely. 8 plus 1, 9. Hey, Dad, you didn't even hesitate, dude. You added those together instantly. Nice go on. I'm good at math. Yeah. I'm just not dexterous. Yeah. The two of you see shadows cast by the moonlight overhead. It seems like a flock of passing birds. You recognize weight. There's no birds. These are dangerous and we need to move. You step out of the way instinctively and you hear, and see the grass at your feet bend and break as a flurry of something just crashes into the ground next to you. Brother Philo, you are not so quick. You are struck by these arrows. You take nine points of piercing damage. However, you stand from being struck. You look down. You can see the arrows sticking out of you. You can see from the little gaps in your wooden body, little pink secretions coming out from where the arrows are sticking into you. There appears to be no other ill effect. I'm going to make a dexterity saving throw for Romeo. That's a three. He gets hit by all of these arrows and unfortunately he looks over at you, Brother Philo, who was walking with him and is like, Friar Lawrence, what's your story, man? Well, I am from the order of St. Tankrid. We are probably the best of all of the orders and I would think that it would be probably a good idea for you to join us. With daddy-os like yourself in the order, I shall get me to a nunnery. More like a funnery. With your struggle with lust, perhaps a vow of chastity would not be the worst thing. Or maybe all I need is a little relief. I'm going to step away from this scene immediately. Are we still pink secreting? No. Okay. I see the pink. Can I clock the pink secretions? Yes, you can. Okay, thank you. I'm going to go over and dip my finger in the pink and put my... Make a constitution saving throw for me, please. 16 plus 2, 18. Okay, with a 16 plus 2, 18, you dab your finger in it, you taste it. It has a cloyingly sweet taste to it. Do you feel like a shiver pass through you? That at first feels kind of good and you're looking at Romeo like, I don't know what Romeo is up to right now. And then that feeling, your strong barbaric constitution pushes it aside. You realize there is the act of some sort of psychic poison, some sort of psychotropic emotional poison that has just acted upon you that you've just fought off. I'll look at the arrow that I have. Does it seem to be... The one that I pulled out, does it seem to be denatured or depowered or whatever? It has delivered its stuff. Okay. Didn't want to say payload, did you? Yeah, didn't want to say payload. You all hear a scream come from back inside the ballroom and a bunch of voices screaming as some kerfuffle has brood in your absence. Romeo says, what's soft? What's scream from yonder ballroom breaks? And he takes off. Right. He runs to the wall and he opens up a little gate that you guys just didn't see and runs through it and you see him disappear into the ballroom. And Juliet looks pretty bummed out and she just kind of walks off back into her bedroom. You hear more screaming from inside. What do you do? I go into the ballroom. Do I see the gate? Yeah, everyone can see the gate now. And you all feel like assholes. Okay. Okay. You all race back into the ballroom. You find a gory scene. You see a man on the ground dead. It is the drunk party goer that you saw earlier and thought, looking pretty good. It was Mercutio, but you didn't meet him, but he's dead now. I just saw six of you all nodding like I thought it was Mercutio. And you see standing over him that grumpy looking Capulet from the stage holding a rapier dripping with his blood. You assume, hey, that's probably Tybalt since he famously kills Mercutio. He shouts, let it be known, Kinsman, this naive didst attend this party with the son of a Montague and drew his blade upon me when I talked shit about said Montague. Ah, there's the devil now, Romeo, I shall. But Romeo just runs in and just like with sword forward runs him through and Tybalt falls to the ground dead and everyone's looking around. Oh wait, Griffin, I was going to do something. Romeo, don't. Okay. Give me a persuasion check. He's running forward like, ah. No. What was it? It's like a six plus something. He looks at you like, no, I want to. Okay. He runs Tybalt through and everyone's standing up. Some people are just like running for the entrance. Others are like running to attend to Romeo. You hear another shrill scream. You see Juliet standing in the middle of the ballroom. She surveys the situation for a moment, sees that Romeo has just killed someone. Romeo looks at her and is like, whatever, man. And she looks around and she pulls out the vial of poison and drinks it and gulps it and then falls down, seemingly dead on the ground. And Romeo looks at her and is like, that was weird. Anyway. Can I say one thing? Yes. Go ahead. Rosalind's looking good. Do you think I thought? He looks over at Rosalind. You see him. Look down at the ground as an arrow shoots and sticks into the ground. He says, well, that was weird. The second arrow does get him in the back and then he's like, he looks over at Juliet and he's like, oh, bummer. And he walks over and he pulls out his own little leather flask of poison and he's like, this shit's real. No, but that one's not. That's not real. She's not really dead, man. Look at her. She's dead. I spin kick it out of his hand. Make an attack roll. I spin kick. It could be a defensive spin kick. I'm not. I spin not all spin kicks or attacks. They're defensive. It's a life saving spin. They're romantic spin kicks to woo. There could be a lot of different 2B verbs that are serving. Yeah. Give me that. Please make it high. Good news Griffin. It is a 14 plus 6 20. Yeah. With a 20, you spin kick the flask out of his hand even though it was a leather bag with a 20 hit shatters. As it hits the wall and it just leaves like a burning sort of splotch of acid and he's like Jesus Christ. It was so glad I did not put that in my body. Griffin, can I track where that arrow that hit him the direction that came from? Very good by using locate object. Sure. Yes. Give me. Yeah. I guess that's not a role or anything. Yeah. So I described the object. So if they fire that they must have a quiver of other area. So I'm looking for similar arrows. Okay. Yes. That's great because you can see this arrow and you know what it looks like your keen ranger tracking senses allow you to see other arrows in this room. You can see them in little jangly bundles floating around. There's about a half dozen of these bundles of arrows. Now just kind of floating around through the air. There means of conveyance. You cannot quite identify anything else you want to do. Yes. I'm going to then cast a snaring strike and fire my crossbow at the arrows. Fantastic. I love that so much. You will incur no penalty for this since you have a pretty good idea of where you are aiming. I believe this is just a ranged attack roll that you are making. When you do this you see as the crossbow comes out all of the arrows come to an immediate panicked stop. I'm going to give you advantage on this roll for catching whatever is happening here by surprise. The first one is an 18 total. Yes. And the second one is... You're firing off a couple. Well you said I got advantage. Oh yes you're right. So 11. Okay 18. We'll do the 18 and with your permission. Thank you. You fire out an arrow and it sticks in the air right in front of one of these bundles of arrows and you hear a... Because that happens all of you look up and see the crossbow bolt floating in the air and then you see what is around it. Well I cast a snaring strike. Vines first I guess. You see the resulting vines of the snaring strike. You just see vines and vines and vines and you think there can't be anyone beneath all these crazy vines. So you need to roll a strength save, B to 15. That's a five. Now you see these vines reach up and grasp around where this crossbow bolt and the bundle of arrows is floating in the air. The arrows that you hit were the largest and most sort of threatening looking of all. Vines reach up, pull them down to the ground. As that happens all things invisible in this room come into view. First of all all the other bundles of arrows, there's six of them floating in the air. You see up here in front of them wings and chubby little bodies. And you think at first like oh it's like little cherubs but instead of faces they have anatomically correct hearts for heads. And there's a half dozen of them surrounding the vines where you can see ensnared an actual angel on the ground. They have a shit ton of wings, like way more wings than you think they'd have. And a massive long bow that dwarfs the short bows held by the cherubs surrounding them. Oh no, it's my one fear, biblically accurate angels. You hear a choir of voices come out of this entity that says you have spoiled everything. When I found this work by Threlium it was lacking in message and purpose and now it has purpose. An objectless in that sometimes love gets a little toxic. That's something to aspire to. How can you truly love another person without being willing to die for someone you literally met like two days ago? No, but you made the story all crazy and bad. What do you mean? They're just children. I mean it's terrible. Yeah, Julie, that's 14. This version of the story where it's all happy and everything's great, that sounds excellent. The sky tears open. You see Threlium Shakespeare's face fucking up here and poking to the room and he says, actually, in this version, everyone's a fully grown adult. It's fucking weird any other way, I think. And then Bonoboie's road trip to Verona, everyone's a grown up. That's important for f- okay, I gotta go. So, I was actually really confused about one thing and I do want to touch on that real quick. They are fully grown adults. That was my mistake and I do apologize. He comes back in, every time I come in to talk to you, it hurts my body so much. Are you in you? That's what I try. You're like reaching into your own consciousness. I'll explain later. It hurts so bad to do this. He disappears back into the light fold. Wait, why did he, that time he just popped in to say how much it hurt. Why did he do that? Why did you do that? He comes back. Did you guys figure out who's doing all this bad stuff? Yeah, it's an angel. Six cupents, I think. Cupid? As you say the name, the angel looks at you like, you know my name. Now you have power over me. He rules the rules. He draws his longbow as do his fellow chair. Let's roll initiative, please. Oh, 18. 18 for Lady Godwin. I got a five total. Not great, not great. How we looking there, Philo? Of course, 19. Okay. With a 19. I love that Philo's like stand back guys. I know exactly what to do. I've been in situations like this before. Let me go first. All right. First in the order is of course, Brother Philo. Brother Philo, what do you do? Philo casts Melph's Acid Arrow. Great. At Cupid. Okay, at what level? Second. Okay. That's a one-spice thing. I didn't think I know. I would assume you would know what that means, Clint. Yeah. Give me your range spell attack roll, which I hope you know how to do after talking shit just 19. Yes, and 19 absolutely hits. Give me the damage roll on Melph's Acid Arrow. And I want to congratulate all of us for not making a Melph joke. This is literally the first fucking time we ever made it through that without it. 11 years, I think we're finally growing guys. It feels so good. That was a lot of vamping, dad, to get you to. You know, it went away while I was waiting for you. Yeah, there's just more snow now. It's just snow and snow and snow. Well, that can't be right. 11, yeah. 11. 11 points of acid damage. You blast Cupid right in the chest with a bolt of acid. You see some of it gets on his left wing and starts to sizzle through some of the feathers. Stupid Cupid. He looks hurt. Lady God, when you're up next, what do you do? I am going to throw Jennifer Myers at the damaged wing. Oh, OK. And yeah, all right. It's the only axe target had. Like you don't have to be mean about it. It's a Minecraft axe. OK, it's the only one target had. OK, Justin. OK, so give me an attack roll, please, with your stats on Jennifer. Myers, an axe most potent. Not a Lego axe from Minecraft. OK, no, not a Lego axe from Minecraft. Your roll. I roll a 14 plus 620. Yes, a 20 hits Cupid. He is also restrained. It is not the most difficult target to strike. Eight damage with that. OK, you chop it right in the wing where some of the acid had melted away. Now there's a pretty good chunk taken out of that wing. It screams in a thousand voices and you all go insane. No, just kidding. Is it still flying? No, it's been pulled down to the ground. OK, thank goodness. But oh wait, you have another attack. Yes, I'm going to do the exact same thing to the wing. I really want to get that wing off. Sure, sure, sure. I should point out, Biblically Accurate Angel, more than two wings. Oh, that's true. Between five to six wings. It's crazy. Let's go for a quick spin kick to the head of Cupid. Perfect. The wing of the neck, as I always say. The body's most important wing, the head. That is a five plus six. And 11 does not do it. I didn't think so. The head is way smaller than you thought it was going to be and your foot passes right over. Wow, your head is small. It shrieks in a thousand voices to go insane and die. Next in the order is Cupid. First of all, Cupid's going to take some damage. Roll one d6 for me, please. But you were ready. That's five. Five. All right. Not quite bloodied yet. Cupid does look pretty bummed out at the mini hits it has taken in the last two and a half seconds. It however is going to make a strength check to try to free itself. Does a 16 beat your spell say you see. Okay, it pulls it's 15. It pulls itself out of the vines and lifts back up off into the air a little bit unsteady. It is going to take a shot at who has heard of the worst. It's going to take a shot at Lady Godwin. Sure enough. Lady Godwin, you see it pull back one of its huge arrows on its longbow and fire it off at you. That is a two. That's not going to simply not going to hit. It's just not going to hit. You see it as it hits the ground, it shatters the tile that it smashes down into. It is going to then use its multi attack to take another shot at you. Lady Godwin, Travis, I mean, I'm not going to make you get up and look because you're sick. I'm looking to like exactly, exactly a two again. So that one misses. So more like to say something else that's entertaining for everybody. But then with the exact same parameters again. Okay, I'm so sick. More like to bed. Okay, multi attack. The cupid makes three arrow attacks. So the third attack is going to come at you, but just for being the way you just were. Unfortunately, that is a 15 plus seven a 22 is going to hit you for 2d8 plus four for 13 points of piercing damage. This arrow gets you. Who are you looking at as this arrow hits you? The mirror. You give him a door. He's going to step through it. I mean, if you know cupid logic, I'll say you didn't say what he looked like. I'm looking at adult same mirror. You're right. For every other future time, I have to ask this question. I will include the mirror in there. You get shot as you get shot. You look into a nearby well polished window and see your own reflection. You're looking pretty good these days, man. Being the king agrees with you. These feelings are confusing. Or maybe not at all confusing before you can really reflect on it. A salvo of arrows from the six cherubs are going to come flying at your party. Let's get a dexterity saving throw from all three of you again, please. Big yawn there. We will forgive. Hang in there, buddy. You're doing great. Eight. No, 10 plus two. 12. Thank you. 12 plus seven, 19. 19. Yes. 13 plus one, 14. Okay. Phailo and Mutt, you're able to tuck and roll out of the way as this just flurry of arrows comes flying out of these two sort of regiments of cherubs. However, Lady Godwin, you are not so fortunate. You are struck by three tiny arrows and you take a grand total of 11 points of piercing damage. You look down, you have all of these little about dart sized arrows sticking out of you. Make a constitution saving throw for me, please, Lady Godwin. Let me take that damage. Okay. You see that pink stuff. 16. You fight off that pink stuff. Congratulations. You're better than it. This time you're looking at, I mean, what? Not a mirror. Cupid. You're looking at Cupid and thinking like, I bet it would be hard to make that work. What, with it being a sort of celestial entity? As long as we keep making new holes, we'll figure out something eventually. That horrible thought leaves your mind as quickly as it enters it as you fight off the intoxicating effects of Cupid's arrows. Next in the order is Mutt. What do you do? It's a great, great question, Griffin. Thank you. I'm going to pull out the scalabur. Great. You're being in Italy. Its powers have waned. I'm going to put Scalabur away. Okay. And I'm going to pull out my crossbow. Okay. And aim for Cupid. Okay. And shoot him. Your crossbow is of Italian make, so weirdly enough. No. Yes. Make that attack roll, please. You got it, bud. Get in there. If you do it good enough, you'll shoot him in the brain and then he'll die and then you can go to sleep. I want to, so bad. I said not 20. Oh my God, guys. Gary Gygax is real. Thank you, Gary. We are in the same D&D Beyond campaign. I can confirm it has appeared on my screen that a natural 20 has occurred on this stage tonight. Jesus Christ. All right. Roll double damage on your attack roll. You get him right between the eyes. And it shouts now with 2,000 voices. It thought all the wing stuff was bad. Who, boy? Okay. That is 17 damage total. Yes. It, as you hit it right between the eyes, it does not fall over dead. However, it looks up and much as Romeo did when he discovered his own tragic head projectile wound, he reaches up and in 5,000 voices screams the loudest scream any of you have ever heard. And I do my second attack. 9 plus 6, 15. That will hit this screaming, screaming angel. So another 9 points of damage. With 9 points of damage, you put one sort of in a nice triangle pattern with all of the other stuff sticking out of this cupid. It does not go down. It is looking pretty rough. It is not quite able to maintain a steady flight pattern. We're back to the top of the order. With Brother Philo, what do you do? Brother Philo casts sky right. Buckle the fuck up, everyone. I've been doing that with this man for 11 years and usually this is the portents of something pretty fucking wild about to happen. You cause up to 10 words to form in a part of the sky you can see. You're indoors. There's still sky, isn't there? There's one window in the corner. You see Friar Lawrence climb out of his booth like, uh, ah, you, everyone look outside. And everyone walks, even cupid walks over to the window like, what the fuck? Yeah. He says, you cherubs, cut this shit out right now, sincerely, God. That's for you, Travvie. Give me a deception check. You could have just stabbed him. You could have just stabbed him. Don't be like, that's for you, Travis. When I just shot him with a bunch of arrows and you're like, I know what I'll do. Some dumb shit. It's a spell. It's Travis' spell. I thought you liked magic. When you cast a magic spell, it always works as we all know. I'll say deception check with advantage. You are leaning on a lot of stuff with which you are familiar. So that means you roll two 20 sided dice and take the higher result. Surely. This is the moment. Your shining hour. Good job, dad. 27. What the fuck? Good. Never before in the history of Taz Live. I mean, you did it wrong, but the cherubs, the tiny cherubs look up and they look at Cupid like, we can't get in trouble with the big man. Sorry, boss. The six cherubs all flitter away out of the windows up into the sky. Only Cupid remains. Lady Godwin, you are up next. I pick up the two arrows on the ground from your two misses earlier that didn't discharge because if you missed, the pink stuff wouldn't come out, right? That's what I learned in health class. I'll pick up the two arrows and leap at Cupid with the double attack to plunge the arrows into Cupid. Give me two attack rolls, please. What number of them? This is the moment. 19 plus 6, 25. Yeah, of course. Absolutely. And 6 plus 6, 12. 12 does not hit. One of them hits his neck kind of weird. Roll 1d10 damage for me for these wayward bolts, and then I'm going to roll a Constitution saving throw. Eight. Okay. You stab him. Where do you put it? In his eyeball. You asked me where that seems like a very good place. It looks up at you and you stab it into its eye. Do I see love flooding its eye? You do see, well, first you see it shriek in 25,000 voices. Oh dang. It is not quite dead. However, the Cupid looks up at you and is like, and in like 30,000 voices, it's like looking pretty good right now. My fair elderly matron. I'm nothing compared to Rosalind, and then I use Jennifer Myers to cut his head off. Okay, give me one last attack roll, please. Yeah, that's 13 plus 6, 19. You roll damage, but. Yeah, of course. It's not going to take much. Eight, six. Okay, yeah. No, nine. No, nine plus 12. And nine will get you there. You swing downwards in a wide arc and the Cupid's head goes flying off its body. Its mini-winged form crashes down to the ground and it disintegrates into a pool of pink goo. As that happens, you see the world of Romeo and Juliet begin to change. The sort of drab walls of the Capulet Estate begin to take on sort of a colorful, bright neon aesthetic. Everyone dressed in these boring ass red cloaks, they're all wearing like cool clothes that a cool party person might wear. You see Juliet jump up from the ground and is like, who wants to go on a sports car drive? And Romeo's like, yeah! And they get off into the car and drive off into the sunset. Was it an Alfa Romeo? Jesus Christ, man. Wow! And you see Prince Escalus, who's now wearing like a cool windbreaker and a cool hat. He stands up and says, no kick ass story has less woe than that of Juliet at her Romeo! Thank you so much, everybody, for coming to our show tonight. Grab a poster outside. You've been amazing. Good night.