Worst Tech Issues (Compilation)

This episode of Distractable is presented to you by T-Mobile 5G Home Internet. The folks over at T-Mobile have some big news for you. They now have the fastest 5G home internet, according to the experts at Ookla Speed Test. If you want the fastest 5G speeds with a five-year price guarantee, visit t-mobile.com slash home internet to check availability. Price guarantee exclusions like taxes and fees apply. Fastest based on Ookla Speed Test. Intelligence data, second half 2025. All rights reserved. From camera calamity. to synthetic eclipses. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! It's time for Worst Tech Issues. Mark is either gone or sitting very still. Hello? He's thinking. Hello? Hello? Let's try a simple one. Mark, how many fingers? Hello? Oh wait, I know how to fix this. Mark, how many fingers? Hello? I texted you. Hello? You know what, Bob? I'm going to give you a good internet point. Thanks. That seems fair. Hello? They tried to take me out. It didn't work. The world government. Oh, sweet fucking Jesus. No, no, not again. Hello? Alright, sorry everyone. We had to break in the middle of our context there. Mark's tub got us all very wet, so we had to take a moment to dry off. But where we were chatting just a moment ago, which is right where we're picking up for you guys, but a few minutes later for us. Oh, there they are. Red and... What happened? Hello? Like what why did can you hear me suddenly my a light went out and this my headphones went out. That's not good Unplug it and plug it back in unplug it and plug it back in for everyone listening I am now rendered deaf But I don't know why because my computer is still on internet still working. They can hear me, but I can't hear them Bob's pointing at a mouse hold on. It's what happened was I think I think the guys outside side working on things blew us very specific fuse that is only like to one plug in this office control it control it look at this one it's like a gold camo are you why are you showing your controllers i can't understand you the back of the controller this one doesn't have the usb-c though which is disappointing back back xbox usb usb plug the plug plug the usb in oh man okay hold Hold on, let me troubleshoot. Lenses. Oh my God, is that a Markiplier ass shot in 2024? Editors, you know you gotta do with that. What? Look at, look at Caveman Mark. I gotta go check the fuse box, I'll be right back. The fuse box, so easy, a Markiplier Caveman can do it. Hey guys, my computer is dying. Uh oh. Fucking shit. I need to go get the charger for my laptop or apparently it's at 10% battery. Run, run! My chair closes, locks my office door from opening. Hang on. All right. Head empty, foam wet, not on walls. It's not my fault. My laptop is dying. It's dying. Will, this might need to be an edit out, depending on what's said here. I had it plugged in over here for a while. Oh, no. I think maybe it got put in the cabinet at some point. I really wish you'd start talking shit about this. I'm not saying that you touched it. I know. The painting people moved all the shit around. Painting person. I feel like we shouldn't listen to that. I know. So, uh, what's up? Small talk? You got anything interesting in mind? Oh, laptop charger. Where did I leave you? Oh, it's in my backpack, which is upstairs next to my computer. Okay. Fuck. I can't un-listen, but I don't do it. Oh, I'm wearing a microphone. I wonder if I can still hear me. did you guys hear me that whole time we were kept going like oh no we shouldn't listen to this i found my charger guys it was right here five feet away from me wow can you believe it oh man that's crazy we were trying not to listen but we couldn't help it why would you try not to listen we were trying to talk over you I'm the one who went to the bathroom wearing my love. That's the rule. Hello? Mark, are you taking the longest drink of coffee in history or are you frozen? Hello? Hello? I think he's gone. Remember that noise Mark was talking about his computer started making? I think something might have just gone horribly wrong. Hello? Hi. Oh, okay. All right. Yeah, that was super weird. My Ethernet adapter just failed. I've never had that problem ever. And it just started working again? Or did you have to like go into the device manager or something? I switched to Wi-Fi. If I go into my device manager, my Ethernet is now appearing and disappearing. And the whole adapter is like on and off. And what's weird is that's a motherboard integrated Ethernet adapter. Yeah. That's not great. I don't like that that happened then I heard that weird fan worrying that might not be a fan That might be the power supply. Yeah, you might be in trouble this episode. Let's look at it this way You know if I were to list the Why did that are you are you about to get consumed by a creature of the darkness or you alright for those who? doing anything. Mark, are you in Nope? Uh, you know, maybe I would just will not look up. Uh, and I think that if we had to tie together aliens eating people and meat eating, Nope is a perfect example. And I'm so glad you brought that up. So when it launched, it said it was going to have like an XLR for audio in expansion thing. It came out two years after the camera came out. They finally were like, here's the plate. And I'm like, where, where am I? Why? I didn't do it. You okay, Hey buddy! Mr. Stark, I don't feel so good. No! He's too much abuse of the bomb switch. The camera getting ornery Hey I ordered a new mattress Ding dong Oh oh So dumb Oh oh So we have an idiot, a sleep deprived guy and a sick guy doing a podcast episode today. And this is what you get. Wait, you left yourself as the idiot? Yeah, I don't have any other excuses right now. I was telling you, I was doing a firmware update on this thing. Oh, what's the lens like on that? We should see the lens. It's the same as... A BOMB! A BOMB! It's like when you give toddlers technology and they make their first video and it's like really shitty and they look at it embarrassed 20 years later like what was I thinking? We don't have to be these people, guys. We can change our lives for the better right now. Doesn't that blow your mind that you could just decide right now to become a different person? person. I'm gonna stand up. I'm becoming a different person as you speak. I'm gonna stand up. Have fun with that fucking losers. I'm standing. Mark your height didn't change that much. It did though. I lost the camera. That's so rude of you. I'm literally out of the frame. I'm so tall. Plot twist you have a little stepping stool by your chair. I know this is gonna rip cables out from everywhere, but here I go. Mark freezes and disappears again. Mark, no! He did! Oh, everyone's frozen! Why did that happen? What could have possibly pulled? What did that? You must have lost wireless fidelity for a moment. Fuck! No! Oh, he froze? Why is that happening? Oh, you're stretching those cables. Mark, I think you're still out of frame. You're going to have to keep moving it. I got to keep going. It's got so far up to travel. Here we go. Am I still here? For now. I appreciate you picking such a nice pose to freeze in. Why is it instantly our fault? Yeah, that's quite a leap. Well, I don't know who else to blame. It can't be my fault, so it's going to be someone else. I'm blameless. The lie was so hard, it pushed me out of focus. I don't know what... Mark went flying across the room and lost focus. Our world is dedicating every bit of their graphical power to developing these models, and this is the progress. They're deleting me. I'm going out of focus again. They heard you talking shit about their AI, and they were like, don't, you want access to it? You better not. Or, Mark has been AI this whole time, and the servers are just updating, and he's getting blurred out because they can't process him while also updating. Yeah, every time Mark goes out of focus or his light turns off and on again, that's just the AI losing object permanence for a second and having to remember. What the hell was going on? What's going on? Oh, you're out of focus. That's weird. Yeah, that's so strange. Segway. You always have something weird going on every time. I don't know why that's been happening. I did a firmware update for this lens, which is a weird thing to say, but it still is a little funky. Oh, we almost had a whole episode without Mark saying the word lens. Points to Mark for saying lens. Unprompted. Oh, God, what have I done? Oh, sweet Jesus. No memory card. Mark, there's no memory card. It's not one. You madman. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. I've never ever crossed this threshold. God, this freaking light. I don't know. I don't know. For the listeners, Mark's light just turned itself off for like the dozenth time today. I don't know why and here it is again. It just turns on and off. I don't get it I can't I'm not even like connected to it in the app. I've unplugged it turned it back on to reset it It's still just like turns off every once in a while and then turns back on TGP thingle ping. I like that. I'm frozen. Oh Thumbnail just updated so that's the frozen image on the side You're so good at holding a pose Hello there. Hey man welcome back It froze so thoroughly I couldn't even hit the reboot button. I had to shut the whole thing down Your computer heard you might be upgrading it for billing Well better get in line cuz I got the other computer I just built right next to it ready to go Don't let them too close to each other. They'll shit talk you Are you okay mark? I got a light glare on my screen that I don't remember being there before I can't see my face when we're talking Did your did your setup move or something or I don't know that's a strange thing Like, I have my haunted light here that I still haven't fixed, but this is the other light, and I don't remember seeing this harsh of a glare on this. Maybe if I just turn the light. So, well, then I lose illumination. Mark's got some real problems. Oh, but then there's blessing at the back. Okay, I was going to ask Mark how he's doing, but we can tell. If you're watching on Spotify podcasts, if you're watching the video only available on Spotify, you could see the horrible situation that Mark is in. Yeah, it's suffering. Look at the illumination levels, Mark. It's not, yeah, I don't have quite the same amount of edge lighting, but if it goes this way, then it's gonna just, it's gonna glare the screen right there, and literally my camera lens is like shadowed right there. Oh, that fixed it. Oh, perfect. I just moved my monitors. That's what it was. My monitor got moved to, anyway, it's all good, guys. All of Mark's problems are solved. That's all you've got going on over there, right? It was such an easy fix. I am professional. You should laugh at that. I think you told it well enough to earn some I think Mark is slowly being engulfed by hell The more we go into this Yeah Mark are you Second circle? Third circle? How far down? What the hell's happening to you? People are just listening at home I am slowly sinking into a pit of lava And I am really embracing the pain And taking it like a jam You just want to see if your body can take it? Yes exactly and surprisingly it can It can Didn't you look normal like two minutes ago? Yeah, no, my main light, they're just these little battery-powered lights right now, because that's all I could bring with me. One of them just went out, because I don't have enough plugs for anything. My camera was running out of power before this, so I had this as my accent little, like, flavor light. Now it's my main light. Is it only red? It's not, like, adjustable? No I could turn it to another color but it Oh no well leave it though Yeah exactly Why would I Okay I see I don know I with you It freaking Wade out Wade looks like he gonna have a panic attack It funny and scary at the same time and I realize that I'm not mentally stable at the moment, but it's really... Everything's really funny. Is this better? Ooh, that's way better. I love that. That reminds me of the thing whenever you put up to your finger and you're like, ooh, I see my finger bone. Kind of does. Oh, yeah, there you go. Uh-huh. Yeah, if you don't watch this show... Nah, now you have to. It started out as like millennial cringe. I'm like, yeah, I remember that. That's fucking stupid. And I'm me. So obviously, but come back. I'm gone. Now my light doesn't work. My camera goes out of focus. I'm just creating random timers for things to occur. For how much money you've spent on cameras and light technology. You have got to have the most finicky lights and camera. I don't. This isn't the good light. That's why it's in here. Oh, I see. This isn't the good lens. That's why it's in here. This lens is 500, which is not cheap, but you were generalizing. I also keep all of my best stuff in boxes. That didn't help at all. I thought that if there was a bright behind me, it wouldn't be like, oh, that background's bright enough. You really just look like you're green screened in at this point. You got it too. I don't know. Look, I could be in Mark's office too. Editor's explode Mark's background. Wait till I do this I'll give you something to explode on No There we go. There we go. Oh There we go guys my my capture card is broken Dune what Dune you're in Dune Doesn't that look like the the palace in in wait hit the the screech. I'll queue up the point ah AHHHHH It started actually on almost the correct note that actually was really close Yeah, but then he didn't understand what you were trying to get him to do. Yeah, I don't know what the hell you're referencing What's wrong with that one part of Dune? Wait This is a really inconvenient cutout that definitely won't be exploited I'm sure no one will ever do anything wrong with this Random unrelated question. How wide can you open your mouth? Oh really wide? Noooooooooooooooo Wow I hate this... everything. I hate everything. How about this? Oh look at that. Is this the whole... is this... is this small talk? Is this your small talk? No, I got other small talk. Let's do small talk. Let's move on to small talk. Wade, go ahead. My understanding is that's actually true that if you got a butthole print if every person would have a unique butthole print. Did Bark disconnect? I thought he was just that disgusted with you. Maybe he did disconnect again. Hello. I really thought he was just that, like, not having it with what you said. Oh, here's the text. Here you go. What were you talking about that made me think of anus chocolate? Something about... I was going to bring up that we have... Oh, good. Good, man. Hey, how's it going? What in the fuck did I walk into? Have your anus and eat it too. Oh, so fucking close. Best looking. I didn't shower. Like, I showered yesterday morning, so it's been like more than a day since I've showered. Are you trying to talk yourself out of the point or into it? I'm just being honest. Like, I don't know how I look to you guys. I feel pretty grimy. I'm not feeling like I look that great. I showered just yesterday. I'm on vacation. I'm so rested and relaxed. I'm glowing, practically. If that's how you two wanted to determine it, I guess I can go that route. I was going to say I was going to give it to Bob because Bob's camera quality is just so much better today. I am. I'm more well lit. My camera is definitely doing a lot of work here. Hold on. Let me turn on studio light. Yeah. My God, your shoulder is so sharp. Center stage. No, come on. Come on, do it. Come on. Come on. Come on, do it. Come on. Come on. Oh, there you go. Yeah, for some reason, when I turn it on the center stage, it kind of falls me. And then when I turn it off, it just zooms in. But why would it zoom in? That's really confusing, yeah. Apparently, it can now... It was not, like, designed to do this, but it just started doing a thing where you can have it generate something and then take like a frame oh for fuck's sake listen listen to AI camera zoom out zoom out you fuck you can take a frame which I'm gonna indicate like this you can take a frame of video alright well our final score is 20 to 17 after the wheel spins Mark would you like to give us a winner's speech Mark did you disconnect? Hello? He's frozen, he is frozen Mark Hi Oh hey, there he is Hey man Welcome back It was my USB thing that has the ethernet plugged into it And I kicked it and it Oh no, wait Mark He's gone Oh no Oh man Yeah, I hope he was like I'm gonna show him how I kicked it and then he kicked it again I'm back. Hey, man. Yeah, I wouldn't kick that thing a third time. I didn't kick it again It just Riverside caught up and was like hey, you're not you don't exist kick me out of the session Okay, oh Bob is Bob gone. Oh Bob come back. What a frame though That's a great frame. That's a great frame. Hello? Hey, Bob. There he is! Oh, okay. There we go. Hey, man. Welcome back. Wasn't like Mark where my eyes were in different directions and I was all... Hello? The reason I turned my light on is because I feel guilty about it but possibly for the first time ever this is maybe i should turn that setting off on my camera it's a great setting man what are you trying to show us you gotta learn to do the political gestures yeah like oh yeah like if flight attendants or two fingers for like the you know the disney people that would probably still do it i don't even know and v's and b's They're pretty close. Didn't you also say before this recording to remind you to talk about something? Cowbell. That was it. Cowbell. Cowbell. Cowbell. Yeah. So I still, much to my chagrin, and I've talked about it endlessly, drive my Tesla that I've had for eight years. The giant piece of shit. And that's not just me like hating for hating. No, it's been bad. It's been really bad. I drove it off the lot as a piece of shit. It's been a piece of shit through every year of its warranty in which it's been in service every single year for many times the same problem. And they've done full replacements on the suspension three times. And now it is officially out of warranty. So if it happens again, I'm screwed. Anyway, in Tesla, there's a cowbell mode that is activated by pressing the cruise control four times. And the thing is, if I press it twice and it doesn't activate, I'm going to press it because to activate it, you press it twice, right? I go to click, click, and it doesn't go. So I go click, click again. And then I activated cowbell mode. So for the rest of the fucking drive to Tyler's house So is it this is it actually the song is there something weird about pressing cruise control multiple times and don't fear the reaper coming on It is exactly it was exactly that It was a whole- I couldn't figure out how to turn off because pressing it four times again only restarts the song And I'm in the middle of driving on the highway so I'm just like So for 20 minutes It's a long song but even when the song ends it just loops It loops after the first few lines and then Christopher Walken comes out and says, I gotta have more cowbells. I got a fever and the only prescription is more cowbells. And then it goes again. The whole fucking drive. Teslas have the vibe of like websites in the early 2000s where it's like, I'm going to this website because I need to order whatever. Printer Inc. and it's just like a printer ink website and you load it up and just like all the small things starts playing and a bunch of clip art is like dancing around the screen and then in the middle it's like yeah click here to buy a printer ink we'll ship it to you it's so stupid it's so stupid and you know how i turned it off because i actually had to when i got there i googled it how the fuck do i turn off it's a bunch of people being like i don't know what the fuck happened you like say something or something no the easiest way besides shutting the car completely down then turning back on is to activate fart mode and press the fart button and that will interrupt the cowbell and it will stop playing dude the fart mode is funny though because it'll make different seats in the car fart that's funny i don't think any other car in the world has that kind of fart mode what oh have you never seen fart mode wade no i don't i've seen a car with heated seats once oh it has that too that's not part of the fart mode though it so in in yours is it the right stock that is the the cruise control one or is it the left stock it's left left uh lower one yeah because we have a model y and it's the right stock which the passenger in the car could absolutely reach so anytime if they wanted to a passenger could just reach over and just go and then cowbell mode would probably start i think and that's fun at least it was only 20 minutes but i feel like if i was on a longer drive i would have pulled over so maybe it's the worst case to be in but imagine the worst times like you're rushing to the hospital and you actually do it it's just i bet you can activate fart mode with voice commands though so if it ever happens again you just hold the voice command button it's be like ah fart mode and everyone in the car could just be like what the fuck what clown car are we in what the hell in a funeral procession you got people in the car morning and you actually activate cowbo He'll be like, I'm so sorry. Activate fart mode. Don't tempt Elon. He would put in a voice activated fart mode. What funny horn noise do you use, Mark? That's the real question. Can you customize the horn? You can change the horn and the like lock sound, the walk away lock sound kind of thing to any sound you want. You can literally put MP3s in. Wow, that's great, man. I can't wait for that. So I assume you use a funny novelty sound for those things. Oh. Wade, this is what you're missing for not having a car, just to let you know. Well, at least I know why I can't get one. They're so busy programming useless shit into it that it takes extra time on the production line. Don't talk shit about fart mode. Two points for Wade for being correct, apparently, but also a point to mark for sportsmanship. Because that's just good sportsmanship. I think Judge Judy is pretty close. Okay. Wade has to give a winner's speech. Wade, what do you have to say for yourself? I think it's very fortunate. I have to give a winner's speech. I want to stand a little bit of a podium here. I think it's been a while, maybe since I hosted, maybe not that long. I can't remember. But anytime I lose, it feels like it's been forever since I've won. I want to give an apology to Shakira, who I've not mentioned in a little while. And I've seen some beautiful posts from people about Shakira and statues and performances and her SNL appearance. And I don't know that she's gotten the spotlight for me she deserves. Queen, we are so back and you're in my thoughts always and good game or whatever you do. Embrace these nuts! They're not on camera. Hang on. Watch new episodes on Spotify.