i am a hypocrite

I almost never sit down to record a podcast without an outline, almost ever. And that's because I have the tendency to sort of bounce around. It's kind of hard for me to just sit down and talk off the dome and have it feel concise and make perfect sense, especially because I don't talk to anyone else, right? I'm just talking to the wall. I am talking to you, but you're not here. So, you know, it's a bit bizarre. I'm sort of talking to the wall. But today I wanted to sit down and talk unfiltered. And to be honest, I'm a little bit nervous because this is kind of out of my comfort zone. But I've had something heavy on my mind for probably years now. And I don't know if it's sort of out of touch for me to discuss. That's going to get clipped. That's going to get clipped and put on TikTok. Out of touch influencer says before she starts talking, I wonder if this is going to sound out of touch. Have a field day with that if you want. I'm not sure if this topic is out of touch or it's like too industry centric. But I'm going to give it a try anyway. In worst case scenario, I throw this episode away into the virtual garbage bin that is on my desktop computer. You know, that's the worst case scenario. The dilemma that I've had on my mind for the last few years in this career that has honestly made this career challenging for me in ways that I never could have anticipated is that I feel like I'm a hypocrite. Okay. I feel like I'm a hypocrite because over the years I've come to realize how toxic the internet is. Social media is incredibly toxic. Not just for me as a public figure who gets hate comments, but also for everyone consuming it. Because even though, you know, I am technically someone who creates content for the internet first identity wise. Like I feel like that's as a person on the internet, I feel like that is the dominant sort of internet presence that I have. I also am a consumer of the internet. Even though I've cut back significantly over the years due to how damaging it's been to my brain, I'm still a consumer of internet content, right? And as both a public figure and a consumer, I have experienced immense psychological pain as a result of the internet. And I've shared that with everyone. I've talked about that time and time again. I'm constantly encouraging those of you who listen to my words on this podcast or on YouTube or wherever to put the fucking phone down if you need to, to stop doom scrolling, to take a break, to mute people who make you feel like shit, like get off the internet if you have to get off the internet, even if you don't have to. The internet is bad for the brain. And I'm not the only one saying this. Obviously, there are psychologists talking about this. You can look up social media negatively impacting mental health into your search bar and find one trillion podcast episodes and one bazillion articles about it. This is a known fact at this point. But here's where my hypocrisy comes in. It is my job to post content on the internet. That is my job. But I have a challenging relationship with the internet and I struggle to believe that the internet can have a positive impact on people at times. But yet it's my job to feed the beast. It's my job to post content on the internet for people to consume, thereby taking their time out of their day that they could be outside hanging out with their friends, planting rosemary in their garden. I'm taking time away from people that they could be using to do something that I know in my soul is better for them than watching my content, listening to my podcast, watching my YouTube videos, looking at my Instagram posts. And I really struggle with that. And I think this feeling of hypocrisy has led me to a lot of unforeseen challenges in this career that I wouldn't have expected in order to post on the internet. You have to have a level of confidence, right? Because not only are you filming yourself, recording yourself, and having to watch that back after you do it, it's a bit unnatural and it requires a level of confidence to do that comfortably. But also it requires a level of confidence to post on the internet because you get a lot of mixed responses, some good, some bad, some ugly. And in order to handle that and not get scared and run away, you have to have a level of confidence. An interesting thing that's happened is due to this feeling of hypocrisy about being a content creator on the internet, my self-esteem has taken a hit in a pretty significant way where I look at myself in the mirror and I feel this sense of guilt. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I feel like I'm adding to an industry that I'm not always confident is enhancing the world. Sometimes I think about what it would be like if there were no social media, if there was no internet. And do I think it would be a shame in some ways? Yes. I think it would be a shame because I think the internet does create community and support in a very important, special way. I think prior to the internet, if you had a niche challenge in your life, you couldn't find somebody on the internet who's talking about that thing in a YouTube video and find comfort in that. You felt alone. There have been many instances in my life where someone telling a story on the internet has made me feel less alone. And I think that would be a huge loss. I also think too that it's easier now than ever to find and discover art, whether it's fashion designers or painters or musicians or whatever. Because of social media, I think we're able to discover and expose ourselves to more of that because it's all at our fingertips and it's all in one platform in a way. Whereas perhaps before the internet, maybe there was sort of a, I don't know what the word would be, like a gatekeeper, whether it was music labels or art galleries or whatever. Now you can discover anything at any given moment through the internet and through knowing what to look up or just the algorithm even giving you things that they think you'll like. I can't tell you how many amazing songs I've discovered through the internet, whether it was through a TikTok back in the day when I was scrolling on TikTok all the time, someone using a song in a TikTok or my Spotify algorithm giving me a song. Although I don't really look at Spotify as like a social media. That's not really like a negative platform, I wouldn't say. It's like the safest platform probably. So I mean, I'm aware of the value of social media, right? Community storytelling. Also entertainment, I didn't even mention that, but like entertainment is enjoyable, right? Mindless entertainment is enjoyable. And I think at times it can cause a laugh. It can be comforting in times of stress. There is a lot of value to social media, however, however, at times it feels like it's causing more harm than good. And I don't even think I need to explain why. I think we've all experienced it before, whether it's the overstimulation of consuming so much content that it sort of sends your brain into a state of chaos, which leads to like a weird resting feeling of anxiety. Or if social media is overexposing you to information that's toxic for your brain, whether it's drama, catastrophe, tragic stuff, or even just people that make you feel jealous or insecure. Being exposed to that type of stuff constantly can impact your self-esteem, can make you feel anxious, can make you feel kind of hopeless. We've all experienced that. But I think more than anything, it's kind of a time suck and you're not really getting much out of it. The internet a lot of times is a waste of time. I think this is particularly evident to me because I'm somebody who's very arguably like toxically obsessive and obsessed with how I use my time. I'm a control freak by nature and very focused on efficiency and productivity and just using my time wisely. I think number one, because I like feeling in control, as I mentioned, I'm a control freak and when I feel in control of how I'm using my time, it gives me a sense of calmness because anytime I feel like I have control over something, it gives me a sense of calmness. But also, I think because I have a lot of shit I want to do, I have a lot of shit to do and a lot of it is self-inflicted. I don't have to do it, but I want to do it. There's so many things I want to get done that I'm just very particular about how I spend my time. I'm particularly aware of how consuming social media content can be a waste of time. Now, do I always think it's a waste of time? No, I don't. At the end of the day, for example, I love laying down in bed and watching a YouTube video. I really do. Do I feel like that's a waste of my time? No, I'm unwinding. I'm going to be laying in bed anyway. It's not a waste of time. I'm watching something that's riveting or making me laugh or whatever. Sometimes I'm watching something that's toxic for me in my brain. Sometimes I'm watching a drama video, but even then, that's how I unwind. I watch YouTube. I've been unwinding through watching YouTube since I was literally a child, like seven years old. This has been a part of my life and my routine since I was a child. This is my YouTube and social media in a way, is my television, my movies, because I didn't grow up watching movies as much. I didn't grow up watching TV shows as much. I did watch TV and I did watch movies, but my favorite form of entertainment has always been internet content, YouTube and even Instagram and whatever. Do I think it's a waste of time when I indulge in that experience at the end of the day? No, it's not a waste of time, but would I probably be a healthier, happier person if I didn't let myself indulge in those things and instead, every single night, I forced myself to read a book or I even forced myself to watch a thought-provoking film, maybe. But then as I'm saying that, I'm wondering if that's just pretentious. Is that just pretentious? Are they any different? A lot of the content I watch on YouTube is really well done. It's art in a way or it can even be educational. There's a decent portion of the time that my entertainment consumption, though through social media, it's actually really well done. It's artfully done and it's inspiring in a way. It's funny or it's thought-provoking. I have those experiences through internet content, but there is a lot more junk on the internet, a lot more addicting junk, videos that serve no purpose. You know what I'm saying? But then I guess you could also argue that some movies and some TV shows are junk. What's the difference? Maybe there isn't one. But getting back on track, see, this is why I always write an outline because now I'm fucking all over the place. Where even am I right now? I don't even know where I am. Are you even following me? I don't blame you if you're not because I keep losing my train of thought. It's very hard for me to just talk off the cuff, but we're really trying it today. Honestly, it's shocking that I don't do this more often because I'm a podcast or who makes two podcast episodes a week. I should be able to do this with ease. It's been easy so far, but listening to it after the fact, I might be like, yeah, it was easy because you just word vomited for 30 minutes to 45 minutes. Anyhow, if this episode even gets that long. Back on track. Back on track. Another thing about social media and internet content is that it's very addicting, as we all know. And the addiction element is another thing that is really disturbing to me. And I think that's what leads it to being such a dangerous way of spending time because you can so easily get sucked into internet content because the algorithm is genius and wants you to watch content all day long. And next thing you know, it's been five hours and you haven't really accomplished anything. Like I think internet content consumption in moderation, as with all things that can be unhealthy if over consumed is totally fine. But I think the problem is it's very hard to have a healthy balance. It's very hard to consume internet content in moderation. I know for a fact that most of us don't have a good handle on that. Most of us, I would say I through necessity have had to create really strong boundaries in my life. And even I sometimes struggle to consume internet content moderation. I'm somebody who literally has to not scroll on the internet because I fully will have a mental breakdown because I'm already an anxious person. My brain is already kind of moving too quickly. If I'm consuming too much internet, it literally like my brain starts doing some results and I have a mental breakdown. Also if I'm on the internet too much, I end up stumbling upon things about me that are potentially negative and that also can cause a mental breakdown. So I out of necessity have had to create limits and even I struggle to maintain those limits. And for me, it's potentially even more intense in some ways because there's two dimensions to it. I'm a consumer and a creator on the internet who's getting hated on as everybody who creates internet content is. All of this is a long winded way of saying that I often feel like internet content does more harm than good. And that makes me feel like a hypocrite because this is my job. And it makes me feel icky. I look at myself in the mirror and I feel dirty. I feel like it makes me feel like a bad person. And by saying all of this, I'm not saying that I'm right in it because when I actually think about it, part of me thinks I'm wrong, that I'm not a bad person for posting on the internet, that I'm not really feeding the beast. Like the beast is fed. Do you know what I'm saying? Like the internet's not going anywhere. And it's up to people to decide what to do with their time on or off the internet. And that's not really my responsibility. And my posting on the internet, yes, it is adding content to the beast. But also whether I create content or not, people are still going to be on the internet consuming content. And so because I enjoy creating internet content, which I haven't discussed yet, I do enjoy creating content for the internet. I enjoy doing it. You know, I, I love telling stories. I love discussing things. I love making all types of visual entertainment. I love fashion and I love sharing the fashion. Like I love making internet content. But as I've been saying this whole episode, I've struggled with the hypocrisy of it. And that's why it's been a bit weird. I find comfort in feeling like, you know what, people are going to be watching internet content anyway. I enjoy making internet content. So I guess what I should focus on is just putting out content that will have a net positive effect on someone's day. And I skate by on that, you know, like reminding myself of that helps me continue, you know, and helps with those feelings of sort of self-discussed, to be honest, because there is sort of this temptation to create internet content that is ultimately a little bit toxic, because that's actually what does the best on the internet. Drama, taking people down, you know, sexual things. These are the types of things that rake in the most numbers on the internet. Right. But I have no interest in participating in any of those types of things. I don't want to be involved in drama. I don't want to talk shit about people. I don't want to talk about gossip, even though I do love a little bit of gossip in my personal life, but I'm not going to be doing that on the internet because I don't think that that has a net positive effect on the consumer's brain. I like, I really try my hardest to talk about things and share things that are going to be entertaining, hopefully to some, but also inspiring in one way or another. And inspiring doesn't always need to be in some sort of obvious, Ted talky sort of way, even though sometimes I guess I do that, like I can really go go in a tangent that's like sort of Ted talk like, but that's only when it feels organic to me. I mean, inspiring content can be far less obviously inspiring than we think. Like I might see a video of someone being funny, like a comedy video, like a skit. And that's not necessarily obviously inspiring, right? Like maybe the skit didn't have like an inspiring storyline. It's not like, well, this person found a cat on the side of the road and then they saved it and then they decided to make their life's mission to save all the cats that are strays and help them find homes. Like that's like an obviously inspiring story, but I might watch like a funny comedy video that's really well done and get inspired by that creatively. It might like inspire my humor. It might inspire some sort of project I make. It might maybe randomly an outfit that someone's wearing in the video inspires me like we can get inspired by anything that has a net positive effect on us. I think we can also get inspired sometimes through like jealousy too, but I don't really like that type of inspiration as much. I don't yearn for that as much, you know, that's not as fun. I try to create content that's going to be inspiring in some sort of positive way. And I make an effort to have my content be a net positive in people's lives, even if it doesn't perform as well numbers wise, even if, you know, some people find it boring because drama and, you know, like drama and stories that are like intense and graphic like shock value is what tends to do the best. Rage bait is what tends to do the best these days. I don't care. I don't want to be a part of that. So I'm not going to participate in it, even if that's what technically from a numbers perspective tends to do the best. Um, yeah, it's just like not my journey. And so that's what keeps me going is, is maintaining the goal of constantly creating content that hopefully has a net positive effect on the people who view it and also reminding myself that the internet exists anyway. You know, it exists anyway. People are going to consume content anyway, whether or not I'm posting doesn't matter. It doesn't make a difference. So if I enjoy doing it, I might as well do it, you know, but in a way, I feel like expressing this hypocrisy is sort of healing for me in a way, almost saying to you, like the listener of this podcast, Hey, don't waste your time listening to me, looking at me, if it's not impacting your life in a positive way. I think social media and internet content might just be a net negative. Even if I'm telling an inspiring story, even if I'm making you feel inspired, there's an argument that you might get even more inspired if you went outside and you talk to somebody in real life instead of listening to me talk, you know, there's something weirdly, like there's like, it's just a relief to say it out loud to you because even though it should go without saying, it's like, okay, I've said my piece. We all know where I stand. And that makes me feel like less of a hypocrite. It's almost like I'm coming on here to confess this feeling that I've been feeling and I'm somebody who has a really hard time not sharing what I'm feeling, more so in my personal life than on the internet, but definitely in my personal life. The second something starts bugging me, I need to bring it up. I need to resolve it. And this has been bugging me for a long time. And I hope that by talking about it, maybe it'll sort of resolve the issue. But as I'm reflecting on everything I just said, I'm, I'm realizing how pessimistic of a lens I'm looking at the internet through. But also I think it is, I think it is a problem though. I see I'm very conflicted on the whole thing. It's definitely a tricky one, you know, it's a tricky one. But then again, like kind of everything is, do you know what I mean? Everything is good and bad. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know, but a lot of the times I kind of feel like a hypocrite, you know, and I don't necessarily have an answer or a solution or a conclusion. I didn't go into recording this episode, even really searching for that. I more just wanted to talk about it with sort of no, with no closing paragraph. You know what I mean? Like I, I, I don't really have a conclusion. Perhaps some of this is rooted in some of the psychological trauma I've experienced as a result of being a public figure on the internet. I'm not saying what was me. I'm not the victim. I'm just venting. I'm not even venting. I'm just, I'm honestly talking through it with you actively right now. I have definitely experienced some significant challenges as a result of being on the internet, whether it's being hated on, I mean, mainly that it's just like being perceived by that many people having such a volume of opinions about you at all times constantly sort of being surveillanced in a way, like in public, you know, you never know. If somebody's taking a photo of you or a video of you, um, not being able to trust people because there can be sometimes sort of ulterior motives. You know, there's been a lot of challenges that have, has come with me having a career on the internet and I wouldn't take it back for a second. I wouldn't take it back for a second. I have no regrets at all. However, unfortunately, those challenges have caused a lot of psychological challenges for me, whether it's worsening anxiety at times, worsening depression, less so, but still sometimes paranoia, OCD, a little bit of PTSD as well. And the list actually does go on. I'm almost ashamed to admit it because it's like, am I, how lucky are you to have a job on the internet? Who cares if you have a little bit of anxiety, a little bit of a few little panic attacks here and there, a few little depressive episodes here and there? Who cares if you've developed like pretty bad OCD and you have PTSD from certain like really rough times on the internet? Like who cares? Who cares? Like you have a really great job. So shut the fuck up. I agree. Like I agree with that. However, I cannot, like this is just my experience and it has caused me a lot, a lot, a lot of psychological pain that has sort of gone beyond what has happened on the internet, right? It's like, yes, there have been challenging times on the internet that in the moment have been really rough, you know, but then they've left sort of lasting psychological impacts. And I do think that even though I've had a very particular experience with the internet as a public figure that has led me to sort of these intense psychological challenges, I also know that you don't have to be a public figure to experience those things from the internet. Those things, like whether it's getting hated on or it's online bullying, like whatever the fuck, whatever it may be, like it's all relative. So I know that this is happening to people who maybe aren't even signing up for this, right? Like if you're a public figure, you're just signing up for it, but it's happening to other people, but maybe just on a different scale or in a different way, but like I just want everyone to get off the internet because I also know, I sometimes wonder if I deleted every app, deleted everything and when in like just existed in the world, I can't help but wonder if all of those psychological issues would go away. And I don't know if that's true because I also had a lot of psychological issues. Beforehand, I had anxiety beforehand. I used to experience depressive episodes, you know, the OCD is a new one, but I think because it's been so hard for me. And again, I'm not like, I'm not victimizing myself, please. I'm just, I like already can hear the comments. That's how this shit works. It's like, I can hear it. I know what I know. Oh, I know, I know, I get it. Okay. But I've struggled so much as a result of being on the internet that I think that's why I feel this feeling of hypocrisy so strongly because I've been hurt so bad by the internet that I don't want to be the reason that somebody opens the app and then gets sucked in. Yeah, maybe my content is positive, but I don't want to be the reason that somebody opened the app and then got sucked into something toxic or who knows? Like, I don't know. I just, I don't want to feed the beast. Feeding the beast feels like it goes against my morals, which is that the real world is always going to be better than the internet. But then it's an impossible dilemma. It's an impossible dilemma I'm realizing, but this is not me. This is not me saying that I'm like quitting because I'm not, I don't want to quit. I love doing this, you know, going back to what I said earlier, like I grew up watching internet content. I love internet content. I love, I love making it. I love consuming it when it has a net positive impact on my life and I don't get sucked into the point where I waste four hours and then feel depressed and anxious and then see hate comments about myself and then see a video about me. That's mean. And then like, you know what I mean? Like when everything's going super well, I love consuming internet content. When I stay on like one person's page that I know is safe for me, I love the internet. I'm going to continue to create content on the internet. This is not me saying that I'm quitting. Um, I just thought I would try something different, sit down and tell you about how I've been feeling about something. I don't really have all figured out, which is not usually what I tend to talk about. I usually tend to talk about something knowing that there's going to be a conclusion in mind. I sometimes feel the pressure to sort of have a conclusion, like just turning on a microphone and just yapping with no takeaways, sort of like, well, what the fuck was that? And I never want to make something like that. But alas, I just did. That's all I got for today. Um, I hope you enjoyed this episode. If you did be honest, honestly, like you can be honest. If you hated this episode and you're like, Emma, you are so not concise. You are so all over the place. You are a fucking mess. I didn't understand a word you said. Like you just were like word vomiting, absolute garbage for, you know, however long. And I'm unsubscribing. Like to be honest with this episode, you can tell me because it's experimental. Um, and I can handle it. Listen, do I appreciate kind words with, with, you know, constructive criticism in the mix? Of course I do. But anytime you ask of something on the internet, you have to, you know, yeah. You have to expect harshness because that's sort of the nature of the beast. Um, yeah. Let me know what you thought and let me know what you think about this topic. I mean, listen, I know it's kind of like, it's very, it's very much like a niche dilemma, right? It's very much a hyper specific experience. Um, but let me know what you think and yeah, thank you all for listening and hanging out. I love you all. I appreciate you all. It is always a pleasure. And even though sometimes I feel a little bit of guilt about posting on the internet, I'm going to keep doing it anyway. I'll talk to you in a few days. Okay. Love you all. Talk to you later. And bye.