Blast From The Past: Mailbag #3!

Hey everybody, Alden here. We've got a pretty interesting release for you today. So, as you know, Shane is hard at work sewing up Episode 4 of the Young Old Derf Chronicles, but we wanted to release something this week anyway, and we came across just the thing. So, over on our Discord, Enigmafish, as they are known, who spearheaded our transcription project that we mentioned a few months ago, brought to my attention that one of our mailbag episodes that we released back in our Patreon days never actually made it over to MaxFun and has never been released outside of Patreon. So, we have a season two era mailbag that was recorded back in 2018 that was only released to the several hundred people who supported us on Patreon. Thank you, by the way. Shout out to our old school Patreon supporters. But we figured the Patreon paywall of 2018 has probably run its course by now. And we figured that would be a fun release for you. A little throwback to season two. So, please enjoy Mailbag 3. I'm still working on it. The thing is that, like, when I'm alone, like, it's kind of hard to... My room's so small. Ambassador Dexter, I have an incoming transmission from a... Oh, a big troop of Clint's. Kaylee and the Bargerian Jade. What do we do, guys? Hello, yes. We have a male for the Bargerian Jade. We have a sack of mail. Great. A mail bag. I mean, we barely have time to accept it with all these missions we're doing for the Federated Alliance. Okay. Do you not want the mail? No, no, no. We'll take it. We'll do it. We're just trying to establish what we're doing. Over now. We're boarding. Oh, you're boarding. Okay. Doesn't Bargy have to consent to that? I already did. I don't know. Okay. I redecorated. I want more people to see. All right. Oh. Hello, welcome Oh, hello Wow This is not standard No, no Thank you so much That's exactly what I was going for Not standard Not standard Well, here's the mailbag I, um Thanks so much I'm sure you're busy Sure, there are plenty of Clint's that Try to deliver the mail But between you and me But can I just add I think I'm probably the best one out of it Right But like, are you a trooper or are you just a mailman? I'm a Clint. But you're delivering the mail. I'm the best at it, so that's why I've been in charge. Are you sure you're not a Klim? Sure. What? Clone Light Infantry Nomadic Mailman? No, I'm a Clint. All right. Clone Light Infantry Nomadic Transport. A man. You're a Clint. No, I'm just a Clint. I'm the best at transporting paper. Oh, you're a paper pusher. Nobody pushes the paper like me. I mean, it's been a while since we've gotten some emails. Should we crack it open? Do you want to crack some of these open? Sure. All right. Do you want me to go or should I? Do you want to stay? I can. I'll just stay. Maybe I have one in there. Sure. A letter to you? Maybe. That you brought to us? Honestly, guys, who knows? Maybe there is something in there. You never know. Sounds good. Here, let's see. Here's the first one. C53. Yes. Do you require software updates? That's Ethan Young. Well, I don't require them. But they are useful. Yeah, Ethan. The same way I think Tellurians don't require exercise, but it's a good idea. Yeah. But, man, I mean, remember when you didn't know how to make pancakes? That was the worst time for all of us. Not for me. It made very little difference. Right. I mean, it made a huge difference to us. Yeah, that was a very useful sound. The morale does seem much higher now that pancakes are a part of my... Oh, and you make them in those cute little shapes? No, it's part of the program. I guess I never even imagined there was a time on Bargerian Jade before pancakes. Yeah. Well, for you, there wasn't. What are you talking about? I've always existed. What? What? Time before the Bargerian Jade with pancakes. With pancakes. Oh. I just wanted to make... Did you go to sleep? Were you asleep? Did you? I'm awake. Yeah, if she were asleep, we would have heard. Right. I'm asleep. Exactly. She's asleep now. Wait, you're asleep now? Now she's asleep. Now she's asleep. Now we know. Still confusing. All right. Greetings, fellow rebels. Oh. That must be misdirected. That's presumptuous. Clint doesn't have a problem with this. Huh? What? All right. I'm awake now. He's looking at my ceilings. Yeah, some of the superior is really fantastic. Yeah, let's read that again and just skip to the first sentence. Sure, sure. Zima Warrior and Flurbian Kasteven here and I have a question for C-53 Oh, wow. Huh. I mean, C is usually the one who has the most answers. Okay. When you were on the delegator... Clint, you good? Hey Clint, look at this ball! When you were on the delegator, how did you get your cube into the Enforcer droid? Dar and former Ambassador Dexetter left you behind while they looked for former Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermit Bundeloy. Since your body shuts down without your cube, that means you need someone's help to put your cube into another droid. How did you do it obediently yours, Kasteven? Well, Kasteven, that's actually a very good question, because obviously as soon as I remove the cube, my frame would shut down, thus rendering me unable to slot the cube into the second frame. However, if you're a droid with a, let's say, colorful past like my own, And every once in a while you find yourself needing to engage in an emergency frame swap. So let's just say I have, I don't want to say perfected, but at least have some level of mastery over what I call the cube toss, which is you set up the opposing frame, you open the cube port, you open your own cube, you grasp it, and you really want to be sure on the trigonometry of that throw. But you're a robot, so that's sort of like your whole thing. Wow. Sort of. But hey, you know, environmental factors. Yeah. A strong gust of AC could have just gone in there. I guess by a couple millimeters I could be in big trouble. Yeah, that's true. I mean, and so would we, by extension, we would have died almost immediately. My last words would have been really nice. Really nice, specifically? I mean, kind. My last words would have been a little... No, that's not a quote. It just would have been kind words. It would have been really saccharine as well. Really nice. That was one of my favorite moments, Dar. Just one of my favorite buddy moments with my good buddy Dar No one was there to record it Did it really happen But I was able to actually I have a brief video because I initiated the video on the Tiny TM recording the cube toss into the Unforcer droid. So you were able to just roll even after the cube was ejected? Yeah, I reclaimed the footage from the TM frame. Sure, sure. Let's watch the video. Sure, here we go. Oh, wow. That's a pretty good try. Excellent catch. You know, I had the same question, but I was kind of worried the answer wouldn't seem believable. I think I made a pretty good case. Yeah, yeah, I'm really glad that that's amazing. Hey, Clint. I gave Clint two balls. Oh, look at that. It's almost like he's juggling. Oh, oh. Uh, what's in this hall? Yeah, go. Go there. Okay. All right. Got any more emails? Yeah. Great. Here is another letter. I'm Rebel Cadet Copro-Lith. Copro-Lith. Codename Birdbrain. Ooh. Writing you from planet Piru in the Southern Americ system. Oh. Wow. Okay. I've heard of it. Never been there. Yeah. Yeah. The tales of your adventures have arrived even to this far place in the galaxy, and I must say, I'm your biggest fan in this corner of the universe. Oh, that's really nice. Thanks, birdbrain. Now, I have a question for Plek. Oh. What does your last name mean? Where does it come from? Hmm. Is there any background on your genealogy? Who was your father? Where does your family come from? And are you truly the chosen one who will bring balance to the space? Ambassador Dixner, I must warn you, this is starting to sound like a fishing attempt. No, well, I mean, it's pretty cool questions, though, right? Do they want Plek's fake? Send him my fake. So a lot of information is in the fake. No, no, no. I must be there, so you cannot send someone your fake. No, all you got to do is just scan the chip, and then my dad's name, his dad's name, that goes back several generations. No, no, no. Have you done that before? Yeah. Has your account ever been drained? I mean, it's never been full. Yeah. That is actually a very good point. Solid defense. I don't have a lot to lose. Yeah. Well, if you don't want to send my fake, I guess I'll just, what does your last name mean? Well, on Rangus 6, we have farms, right? Yeah. We usually have these farmhouses, and sometimes, you know, when it's really hot, people sit out on the deck. Or, like, set out on the deck. Sort of a colloquialism. Oh, you're literally just a deck sitter. Somebody sits on a deck? Oh, that's kind of a Tellurian tradition, though. I'm not, but my family. I come from a long line of deck setters. Yeah, yeah. You just sit on decks. And last names, typically, for Tellurians are descriptive. Oftentimes, yeah. If you're like a lone wolf, you'd be a solo. Right, sure, sure. What's the next question? Where does it come from? We got that. That's Rangus. Is there any background on your genealogy? Oh, well, now that's interesting. No. Who was your father? Wait, that's interesting. No? Well, it's just sort of, it's like my family sort of comes from a long line. This is boring. Clint, you can come back. What? Yeah, I guess I just come from a long line of other, I'd say like kind of tan, like light tan-ish. Pink. Pink. No, like sort of light tan. You seem pretty pink to me. Do you have any pictures of your family? Yeah, I got some hollows, yeah. Can we see them? Yeah, sure. They're all my fakes, so just kind of take a look at that. That's a good fake. Thank you. They're all pretty pink. Okay, sure. All right, so genealogy pink. Who was your father? My father is Paul Dexheader. He's still alive. He's on Rangus 6. Did he get on Dex? He did a little more than I did, but my grandfather, Huge Decksetter. Huh? Yeah. His name was Huge Decksetter. His name was Huge Decksetter? Yeah. But Huge, some of the Rangus planets pronounce it Hugh? Hugh. Got it. Hugh Decksetter. Hugh Decksetter. This really ends with a biggie. Are you truly the chosen one that will bring balance to the space? Yeah. Yes? Wow. Yeah. The most confidence. Well, if I don't believe that, then who will? Right? He's right. He's right. He's right. Sure. Thank you so much for being such a cool group of adventurers. Your feels will keep inspiring me all the way through boot camp. Juck the Federated Alliance, Cadet Birdbrain. Huh. That's not usually what we say. That must be a typo. Yeah, it must be. Probably a garbled. Or like a Juck. Yeah, the Federated Alliance. That's right. Yeah. Anything for me in there? No? Yeah. Here's one. Read one of the ones that's to Clint. It's fine. I should probably be done. There is one. It says, Dear Clone Light Infantry Pneumatic Transport, What is it about you that makes you so much better at delivering mail than the other Clint? Yes, well, I'm glad you asked that. Who said that one? This was from... That sounds like a fake email. No, no, no, it's real. This is from N513, another admiring Clint. Oh, N5... Really? Well, great question. There are a lot of Clint's, but I feel of all of them, I am the most suited to transport. A lot of Clint's have tried and have failed, but when I get that satchel round... How did they fail? You know, they said, I don't want to do this. This is beneath me. Oh, okay. So they failed at it. Sure. And so then I put the old satchel over the shoulders and headed on out. And, you know, the rest, as they say, is history. Well, this was great. I'm so glad I got to answer a message. I'm going to head out. It was really fun hanging out. Yeah. If anybody else says Chuck the Federated Alliance, you say, all hail the Federated Alliance. Of course. All hail the Federated Alliance. Good, good. Well, I'm on my way. Aw, look at the way he doffed his little cap. That's not common. He should take it off before. I don't think he knows. Oh. Oh, no. Did he? He just died in the vacuum of space? He did, yeah. Oh, boy. He's really the nicest Clint probably we've met. Probably because he was a transport and not a trooper Next Hello crew of the Bargerian Jade Hello I have a question for Bargy Okay hello I ready Okay, I'm going to stretch. Hold on, let me spray something in my mouth. Ow! That was right with my face. Is that what your mouth is? Am I in your mouth right now? Yeah, my whole body's in my mouth. Wow. Okay, what is it? Let's do this. It's kind of relevant to the question, sort of. How large are you? Oh. I was looking at one of your many, many movie posters, and then I realized I have no idea how large are you. Would you be a huge freighter or more like a small fighter? Oh. I would be the size you need to be in order to make it in hollow. Yeah, I was going to say, Bargy, you know all the tricks of casting. Yeah, you know what? I could change my size, you know. This is all a matter of lighting. It's a matter of where I put the grease on my hull. if I've exercised, which I haven't today, so let's do it right now. You know... Just got smaller. But I would say I am medium to large, depending on what day of the week and the month or whatever. But regardless, I love any size that I am. Yeah, that's really nice. I'm all positive. I will say, I'm not sure what species... Who is this from? This is... Oh, unsigned. Oh, I know unsigned. They're on shifter. Yep. I know what they're getting at. Oh. All right. Wow. You know, maybe it would help if we sort of answered this email from the context of, like, a Tellurian. Sure. Like, if you've seen Bargy's posters, you know that, like, the part where we are is on sort of the right side. Like, the wing is not really accessible. Right. That's just a wing and one engine now. It used to be two engines. And I was a personal choice. Yeah, it's good. We support it. It's hip. It's very hip. We support it. But like, so we got, you know, the bridge, as you might call it, and that's maybe three or four Tellurian Heights wide by, you know, eight or ten Tellurian Heights long. Then we've got a couple rooms there. My room, which is, you know, about the size of a phone booth. C-53's charging closet, which is about half that size. Dar's room, which is about half the size of the bridge. And the guest room. Yeah, the guest room slash cargo hold. And then the bathroom. Yeah. And I have a heat rock. Mm-hmm. It's about one, the width of a Tellurian's head. We're doing everything by Tellurians, right? I mean, sure, yeah, that's probably helpful. Unsigned, I'm sure you can picture that exactly. Thank you. Hi there, Alden, again, out of character, 2026. Hope you're enjoying the mailbag. I gotta say, it's a little bit humiliating. To me, personally, as the person who's nominally kind of in charge of keeping track of the episodes and where they are at any given time, that this is an episode that you probably haven't heard statistically. So, it's a little bit... it makes me feel good that you're finally hearing it. It also makes me feel a little embarrassed that I kept it from you unintentionally for so long. But, you know, that's common for me. I forget stuff a lot. And it's not all as harmless as a mailbag episode. Sometimes it's my money, which is why I'm here today to talk to you about Rocket Money. I don't know if you've heard this from me yet at this point, but Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions. It monitors your spending and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. I actually talked about this in the last episode. I signed up for this, and in fact, I found some stuff that I had completely forgotten about, and I felt a little bit embarrassed, as I am now, about this episode, that I had not noticed it coming out of my account until Rocket Money told me that it was. But the great thing is that Rocket Money attracts your subscriptions, and it gives you the ability to cancel those subscriptions, most of them, within the app with just a few tabs. It saves time, it avoids charges, and it makes things easy. Also, what's great is that it categorizes everything, all your transactions across different accounts. So it says, hey, this is what you're spending on groceries. This is what you're spending on trampoline parks for your kids that you're not aware that you are doing. and it tags stuff to reveal spending patterns and add context to the stuff that is coming out of your hard-earned accounts. Not that the accounts are hard-earned. Those are actually usually pretty easy to get, but the money inside the account... Never mind. It's not just an app that shows you where your money is going, although that's very helpful. It also allows you to set budgets, you can set goals, you get personalized insights and regular reports, and you get real-time alerts right on your phone for large transactions, upcoming bills, refunds, and low balances. So, let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at rocketmoney.com. That's rocketmoney.com. Rocketmoney.com. Okay, where was I? Yes, I was, like you, listening to this episode, which I'm about to return you to. Thank you so much. Enjoy the rest of the mailbag. All right. My question is for C53. All right. Have you ever considered employing subterfuge to get your briefings read? Maybe by, for example, hacking Flappy Garfon to make its Game Over screen show, quote, fun facts about your next mission, you might be able to trick Plek into doing his job. Wow. Very good. And it's not like anyone else ever sees that screen, so it would be the perfect crime that's true Flappy Garfon. Very hard. Who is this email from? Tara. Huh. Tara, that is a solid scheme, but it also sounds like a lot of work. And to be perfectly honest, it would be easier if the members of the crew would just read the briefings I wrote. They know where they are. That's probably a good plan. But, you know, you'd still have to hide our medicine and peanut butter. That's true. Tara, you need a lot to think about. And I actually kind of skipped ahead. At the beginning it says, first of all, I love your missions and all of you. Why did you skip ahead? Well, I'm skipping to the question. What are you doing with those emails? Just read the emails. It gets long and you guys interrupt me if I. I would say this to you, Nermit. Whoever has given you those emails has sort of pre-selected and sorted them accordingly. No, it does not seem like it. Okay. Okay. First of all, I love your missions and all of you. Plek in particular, it's inspiring. That's why you left it out because he actually said something nice about me. No. No, that's not. I'm sure it's going to become backhanded. Plek in particular, it's inspiring for me to think that if a grass farmer from Ranga 6 can become an ambassador, maybe this girl from Central Gainsborough can also achieve her dreams. Aw. Remember Hashtag Massive Gainsborough? Yeah, she's from Central Gainsborough. Yeah, our Gainsborough. Right. And then, of course, Massive Gainsborough is the overall area. Hang in there, Nermie. You make Senior Operations Manager Eventually I believe in you I will say that didn happen Probably not anymore No It still could I don think so no Yeah reading that out of order was bad Yeah, I will say, Nermit, I don't know how you normally read things, but I usually start at the beginning and finish at the end. Alright, I'll try that. It's pretty standard tactics. Hello, regretfully former Ambassador Dexetter. I have been greatly impressed by the reports I've heard of your missions with the crew in the Zik Squadron and wanted to ask if you are regretting your decision to leave the Federated Alliance. Decision is an interesting term for it. I am definitely not an alliance spy trying to find your location, but you did a lot of good work out there, and I'm super impressed by your knowledge of the space. And also, you have a nice haircut. Hey. Yeah, okay. Are they referring to the ombre? I think they are referring to the ombre. No, no, no. The ombre had sort of ejected itself, and it ended up kind of shrinking back to the size that it normally was. It was a good ombre. Thanks for reading and remember I'm definitely not an Alliance spy Great Sincerely yours, Jimmy Burtke Rank 11 Alliance spy I was going to say, he was making sort of a lot of noise About not being an Alliance spy Maybe just let Jimmy Burtke know That I will be sending along my fake No, don't send it You're fake We've talked about this He says he's an Alliance spy But he's very complimentary Oh boy That's all it takes Do you not understand what can happen if somebody has the information on your fate? They could destroy your entire identity. Oh, that's true. To Security Officer Dar, where did you get your security officer training? What other careers could your skills be applicable to? Kelly in Las Vegas. Okay, I will work backwards. As you well know in Las Vegas, I think my skills would be best applied to monitoring entrance and exit of a club. Oh, like a bouncer. Like a doorman. Yeah, a bouncer's just in. Yeah, it would be both. Yeah. A bouncer man. Yeah. Or a dorser. Oh. Bounder man. A bounder man. I loved Bounder man's first album. I liked his third one better. I didn't, yeah, I couldn't get into the first one. Yeah, that wasn't for me. All right. My training was an InfoWeb course. Really? Really? It took three hours. Wow. What is that like? What is the course cover? Mostly standing, flexing, picking stuff up, and then you just listen to a little talkback from a famous security officer. Can I give you a flex? Yeah, just to see what a professional flex looks like. I'll give you one, and two, and three, and four, and five, and six, and... That one hurt me. Did that one hurt you? Yeah. I'm so sorry, Bargy. I felt the vice versa. So nice. I didn't even know you had muscles in some of those places. They, like, generate into such a bulge. Oh, yeah? Why are you standing up so rigidly? I'm not. No, that's how I sort of tilted forward on your tip. I was going to say, why are you holding your heat rock in front of you like that? No, I'm cold. Why wouldn't I? We were just talking about the heat rock. What does that have to do with anything? Nothing. All right. Dear Bargy. Oh, let me get ready. Let me spin around. Whoa, whoa. Okay. All right. I got to collect these papers. Okay. Dear Bargy, I am a 34-year-old ship with social anxiety that has a hard time meeting new ships. Yeah, yeah. What are the best conversation starters I can use to make new friendships? Very good question. You know, it's hard being a ship out here sometimes because you go on missions and there's really no one you can talk to. There's people inside of you, but it's like, I want to talk to another ship. You know what I mean? Hey. So when I come across any other ship, I like to put out feelers into the galaxy. Like transmissions? Yeah, transmissions. I like to say, hey, you up? Huh. You up? I guess that works for someone who's a famous. Do you ever get texts back that just say, I'm asleep? Yeah. And then I say, I'm asleep. And then it just becomes like an infinite transmission of I'm asleep. Another thing you could ask is, ugh, am I right? And then it gets the other person to say back to you exactly all the things that have been hugging them recently. It could camaraderie between two people. I have anxiety. We all have anxiety. So why don't we talk about it together? Oh, yeah. That's nice. It's good that you're really open about that. Yeah, I'll just talk about my movies. I like to talk specifically about myself and the movies that I'm in. Yeah, okay. So, um, am I right? Or Barcharian Jane movies? And you up. Greatest Trek is the hit podcast about new Star Trek shows. And right now we're talking about all things Starfleet Academy. Starfleet Academy is a Star Trek show made for everyone. From lifetime Star Trek nerds to folks who only like my so-called life in Dawson's Creek. We even had a special writer and actor guest for the fifth episode this season, the hilarious Tawny Newsome. Look, there's always something fun on the Greatest Trek feed because when the season's over, we're going back to watching the original series. And hey, if you like old Star Trek, The Greatest Generation just had its 10th anniversary. That's Greatest Trek for New Star Trek and Greatest Generation for the Star Trek you grew up on. Both shows you can find on MaximumFun.org. Ready, go. Knock, knock. Who's there? We got this. With Mark and Hal? 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