The Adventure Zone Versus Hamlet: Live in Charlotte!

Hey diary, what's up? It's me Hamlet. Aw man, shit sucks right now dude. Like, ugh. Sometimes I just wish that I could like, melt. You know what I mean? It's only been two months. No shit, not even two months. Since my dad, the king, died, he was cool. I liked him. And then, not even a month later, my mom married my uncle. Yeah, that's right, my dad's brother. Ugh, he sucks. This all sucks. Everything sucks. Moooo. Hi everybody. Welcome to Taz vs Hamlet. I will be your DM tonight. Woo! Thank you. My name is Travis McElroy. The best you've ever, ever looked Travis McElroy. How do you choose? This is me now, from now on. God, I hope not. Wow, it took such a long time. It did. But it was worth it. Now, before we get started tonight first, we wanted to make sure you guys saw the posters out in the lobby by Anna Rode. Aw, they're so gorgeous. Make sure you get yours. Also, we've got some challenge coins out there with the proceeds going to Second Harvest Food Bank for the Paul Suborin Memorial Can Food Drive. We'll never forget him. I love you, Paul. Wherever you are, he's right there. Wherever he is, though. I love him. Remember dead Paul? You're a member. Oh, God, yes. Thrillium Shakespeare was brought back to life by Igor, and it was discovered that his plays were supposed to be fun sex romps and not the weird comedy tragedies that they became, and they'd been corrupted by some kind of force. So Thrillium sent us in to Romeo and Juliet to make sure it ended happy. That's all you really need to know. Wonderful. I can't keep the hat on. It is a furnace inside of me. OK, then let us begin to weave. Weave, weaver. The three of you wake up outside of a beautiful castle in the middle of you are currently laying in a snowdrift. When last you remember, you had just finished in a ballroom scene in Romeo and Juliet in Hadoa. No, that's the wrong one. Anyways, it was Romeo and Juliet. Don't worry about it. But now you've woken up in the snow outside a castle. Currently, there are only two of you visible to each other, Lady Godwin and Philo. And Lady Godwin, you notice a note stapled to Philo's wooden chest. I was so curious why. I thought somebody put a kick sign on dad's front, which is an advanced tactic you can only play against certain certain individuals. Please point me to the stage. Hi, my name is Justin McElroy. Tonight, I'll be playing the role of Melenefer Godwin. What? We didn't introduce ourselves. Is that an announcement of Lady Godwin's first name? Yeah, this came up with it backstage. It's like Millennium and Jennifer combined. Fuck yeah, Melenefer. That's amazingly powerful, Justin. Charlotte exclusive. OK, Justin, can you read us the note, please? Greetings, my fair play hoppers. Excellent work on that Romeo and Juliet assignment. That stuff there at the end was wild. Any who? Why are in the theater at Traverse? The At Traverse, please. I understood it perfectly, Travis. The At Traverse, I was hoping you could take care of just a few more things for me. The first one is kind of a biggie. How Hamlet got his groove back. It was supposed to be my sexiest and rompiest sex romp yet. A party and a prince's dad dies and he parties his way through Paris with two bombshells named Goldian Rose. And then he's all sexed out. He returns home. It becomes the partying his king of Denmark has ever had. But now the whole thing is just so emotional. Yeah, this letter was pinned to the puppet man brother Filo. Yeah, it's like a CVS receipt of a. And shakes me or griffin. I don't know if you know this known for being a little wordy. Page two. And what's the deal with the ghost? If I was going to put supernatural shit in it would be like sexy vampire a totally ripped werewolf for a dragon with a rocking dong, it says here. So like get in there and do your thing. P.S. Don't let anyone die. This is a comedy. XOXO gossip girl. J.K. It's actually Thrilliam Shakespeare. That's what it says. I didn't P.S. Mud had to take care of some king shit, but he sent along a proxy. And you hear crunching up in the snow. Some some heavier footsteps than you would have expected. And you see a bear. Hi, everybody, it's me, Griffin McElroy. If you were wondering which one of us on stage was going to be embodying a bear tonight, it's me. Or if you ask certain groups, all four of us, all four of us, if that's if that's your if that's your interest, I feel like the guy at the end of midsummer right now and I'm dying on. Hey, one Shakespeare play at a time, pal. And tonight I'll be playing the public domain cutie, Winnie the Pooh. And I'm Clint McElroy. Thank you. You know my work. I will be portraying Brother Philo, a God, we don't have enough time for this whole story. Oh, I'm sorry. Do you have a weird thing that you are on stage right now, Mac? A monk in the body of Pinocchio the puppet. Yes, didn't take it. He's also the turbo cardinal. Oh, right. Interim. Yeah. You see your old friend who you first encountered when facing off against Robin Hood, Winnie the Pooh. Oh, it's you guys. I remember you from the other thing. I didn't recognize you without your full head on with your ears and everything. Oh, it's Pooh. Winnie the Pooh, it's Pooh. What's all this cold white stuff everywhere? It burns my little paws. Oh, you don't have snow in the hundred acre wood. Is that so? I guess not. No, it's just one season the whole time. Wow. No, it's snow. It's because it's so cold. Can I eat it? Please do. Didn't like it. Almost magically lights swell to your left and your attention is drawn to a graveyard where you see a very, very emo looking boy sitting atop a grave, holding a skull, staring at it intently. He brings it closer to himself, almost as if to kiss it. And then he sparks a lighter. Hey, do you guys ever think about death? And he steps away from you a few feet forward and it's talking to you, but out into the night sky. Excuse me. Because like death, man, it's so fucking freaky, right? Because think about like being alive versus like being dead. Because like, you know, being dead would be kind of cool because you wouldn't have to worry about shit anymore, which would be kind of awesome. But then when you think about death, you don't know what's going to happen when you die. And it kind of freaks you the fuck out. You know what I mean? Oh, sorry. Hey, sorry, man. Sorry about that. Can I roll an intimidation check against this boy that we've discovered? Yeah, it's going to be a pretty low DC. Okay, I have rolled a 10. Yeah, man, that's enough. I mean, to be safe by... He's an emo wave. I guess being scared by Winnie the Pooh requires a certain deficit. Oh, man. Sorry. I just sometimes I think about death too much. For sure. I'm a creature of the forest. I have to every day I confront death and cause it. It's the circle of life. Yeah, man. Winnie the Pooh has his eyes wide open. Yeah, man. I'm a pretty enlightened guy. Hey, pass the duchy on the left hand side. I got it, man. I call him Yorick. Oh, I don't know why you're actually pat... okay. Did I do that right? Well, you huffed right out of the bowl, but... It's very grainy. Yeah. It tastes terrible. My mouth burns and stinks. But in like 40 minutes, you're going to have a real good time. Travis, write that down because that should kick it at the top of Act 2. Winnie the Pooh loses. Loses God. Hey, don't bow guard that skull, man. Pass it over. I'm pretty sure I ate the contents of it. Pretty good. I can't wait to watch Dad pantomime smoking any sort of weed paraphernalia at all. Alas. Nope. Hey, guys. Sorry. Sorry I got so distracted there. You know, death's just been really on my mind ever since my dad, the king, died. I'm Prince Hamlet, by the way. Oh, cool. Hey. And I like should have been king, but then my uncle... We heard the diary entry. Mary and my mom's now he's my stepdad uncle and she's my step-mom. And gross. I know, man. And then this ghost showed up. Oh, no. Yeah. And he was all like, oh, I'm your dad. Let me stop you right there. Ghosts aren't real. You must be going mad. I don't think so, man, because my buddy Horatio, and he points over to like one of those big like slab. Crips and Horatio like says, I was like, let's me. Oh, ghost. Horatio was there too. No, he's my buddy Horatio. He was there. Oh, shoot. And he saw it too, man. Anyways, ghost said he was my dad and my uncle killed him. And so I needed to kill my uncle. So can I ask a question? Were you terribly sad before all this happened? I was pretty excited about, you know, being king. And then I was going to go to Paris with some friends, but then the ghost showed up and really bummed me the fuck out. Okay. So if we were to theoretically get you back on the throne, you know, get you back in charge, would that be? Well, right now I'm kind of laser focused on the whole killing my uncle for killing my dad thing, but I'm going to be honest guys. And I know this is going to sound weird. I don't 100% know if I can trust the ghost. I'm having second thoughts. Now the, you know, some time has passed and I drank some coffee. Could you guys, and listen, I know that we just met, but you're outsiders. So I feel like I can trust you cause like outside, you know, that's always good judgment. Yeah. Can you guys find out if my uncle killed my dad so I can kill him with a clear conscience? Sure thing. No problem. I've done much more for much less. That was so fast. You agreed like so fast. That's really awesome. We also aren't supposed to let anyone die, Winnie. Hmm. I guess we should get more of a lay of the land before I make promises like that. Yeah. I really appreciate it guys. Here's a list of some people who are in the council. Unbelievable. Yeah. Good. If anybody knows anything they'd probably know. I'm going to go kind of sulk around and sulk around for a while. Old sulk and sulk. But if you guys need me, I'll be around talking to myself a lot. You can't read. Do you know? No. Do you know how to read? Of course. We got to go to... Kingee Dammit! King Claudius, Queen Gertrude, Polonius, Laerites, Ophelia, and Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. So we have to kill all these people before midnight? What? No. No, man. Just like ask them if they know what happened to my dad. That's a lot of people to kill before midnight or a terrible cause. You don't even know. Where's that death notebook when you need it? We could just... No, don't kill him. Man, just like interview him. You get it, dude. Interview? Yes. Could we just interview the ghost? It seems like we could really cut out eight or nine middlemen here. Yeah, man. Why don't you ask him? He's not here, dude. Hey, wait a minute. Uh, can you... Can you summon ghosts? Can summon ghosts? I believe I can. You said that. I... Hey, everybody, think for a second. Do you know for sure if you could summon ghosts? Because I know myself, Justin McGrath, know with 100% confidence that I cannot. Now, hold on. I've never tried. Okay. So I don't know. You haven't? No, I haven't. You've never really lost, huh? I can kill a man and then bring him back to life. That's sort of like making a ghost. That's on your character sheet? What is wrong with you? You're winning the poo. That's just cutting out the middleman. I'm technically a druid of the land, and so I can do a lot of stuff that the canonical Winnie the Pooh cannot. I'll go ahead and lay the groundwork for that right now. I've got to be really clear. There is no canonical Winnie the Pooh, and there cannot be, or this whole exercise, from the part. Okay. Okay, so we'll talk to your friends on this list, and then we'll figure out if the ghost is telling the truth. And what's in it for us, young man? I'm a prince, so I got like money and shit, man. You have honey and shit? I got some, I got some THC, honey. I don't know what that means. I can't read. It's honey he ordered from the Honey Channel. Be careful. It's pretty cheap stuff. Wonderful. Sounds good to me. Okay. Thanks, guys. And he walks off holding the store. Wait. Who are any of these people, and what do they look like? Oh, they're all in the castle over there, man. Just head into the castle and... Oh, look at the pictures next to the name. How convenient. Oh, sorry. I need your voice. See Winnie, look. Yes, okay, now I get it. Let's tell it small. All you human faces kind of do look the same. Wow. It is chilling. Can we go inside now? Yeah, head on inside. It's a lot warmer. I'm going to be out here, so little quiesing. Hey. We're also supposed to help you get your groove back. Do you know what that means? All right, honestly, I didn't know I'd lost it, man. They gave me a lot to think about, to groove or not to groove. You know what I mean? That's nothing. That is the question. I think we should start with laertes, because if we got to bump laertes, who gives a shit, right? Like, laertes... If we have to kill laertes, who gives a shit? Yeah, it's like... Okay. Yeah. Like, it's like low pegs. I don't think we'll have to off laertes, but I feel like we'll at least get our sea legs underneath us. So we'll be ready for his stepdad when that encounter comes. Yes, exactly. We'll be ready for the big show. So I love the speed at which you guys went from direct instructions, make sure no one dies, to like, he'll be easier to kill and not feel bad about it. I tried to backpedal from mid-sentence, Travis. I'm sorry that I didn't do it fast enough. No, if you had to kill laertes, he is the most expendable. I agree. I don't want to kill it. You should have explicitly said not to. I'll try my best. All right. You make your way inside the Grand Hall. That's the real Grand Hall. Ain't it grand? No, it's not. It kind of looks like a shitty church fellowship hall or something. That's his real... That's Hamlet's real house, Griffin. That's the real Hamlet house. Yeah, Cronberg Castle in Denmark. Is that true? It's what Elsinore's based on. No, I feel like an asshole. Yeah, read a book. And you spent many a happy hour in that fellowship hall, making a water racer out of blocks of wood. That's true and pledging my life to Christ. Yeah. So do we see laertes? Is he in that big club of people dead of the hallway? Yeah, do an investigation check for me. That's great because I'd love to know what they're doing down there. 10 plus... Nothing. 12. No, no, no. It was my check. What did I find? Yeah, with a 10, you definitely clock. That in this group, you're able to kind of piece out like there's three younger looking gentlemen, two of them standing talking to each other, one standing talking to like the only younger woman there. The other people look like they could be Hamlet's parents, age or older. Can we match them to the list of names that we have? Yeah, the one talking to the younger woman is laertes talking to his sister Ophelia. Okay. Should we start? Let's start over there. Okay. Uh, pardon me, laertes. Uh, yes? My name is Lady Melinda Fogoldwin. I know, I like it too. Where are a puppet and a talking bear? Just to sort of give you a heads up. A lot of people freak out when we start doing our thing. Okay. Oh, you're part of the players. Yes! Of course. Yes, you think I dress like this all the time? I don't know, I just met you. I've met this man twice and he's been dressed like a clown both times. How, are you guys lost? How can I help you? No, we're, uh, we're doing a murder mystery as part of the entertainments this evening. Okay, yeah. And, uh, we don't want to do the same old show that everybody does. We don't want to do something that you've already seen. So we were going to ask you about any recent, either assassinations, you know, horrible murders that have taken place that you, you know, are familiar with lately. Make a, uh, deception check for me, Clint. Dad, if you will. Not to get too formal about it. Sixteen! Yeah. Oh my god, it's so, can I tell you? What a wild coincidence. Our King did just die under my serious circumstance. Yeah! That's why I'm back. That's why I'm back here. I was at college and I'm back here now. Are you, are you investigating? No, this is my sister was sad and my dad, Polonius, was sad and I was like, oh, I need to do some laundry. So I came back. With, were there any, I mean, was it an accident? Did he like, fall down a garbage chute or something? Oh, well, I mean, you know, it's not a ton of details. He was locked up in his rooms like he normally is. And his brother went to see him. He was in there like 20 minutes and then he started calling for help. And then, you know, the funeral, that's just what I've heard because I wasn't here with the funeral a couple of days later, was closed casket, which was weird. Because normally they'll do like a latent state kind of thing. But yeah, closed casket. He faked it. I've solved it gang. The king faked his own death. The casket was closed because his body was not inside it. He's ruling the kingdom. Wait, you're really spoiling the murder mystery for me. I was going to watch it later. Add on. Well, we'll change it. Yep. Can't, can't be helped. We'll have to, we'll do the alternate ending. I am but a simple forest bear. I forgot we were executing a ruse on you. A ruse? I want to apologize. I want to apologize to the two of you. I'm still learning your human ways. You are a simple soul. Hey, Learities, have you ever thought of yourself as expendable? No, but do most people? That is a line from the show. With my name in it? Okay, you're a clever one. I look over at Ophelia and I say, do you have maybe anything to add clues to? You look over at Ophelia. She has like a pretty large beach towel draped over her shoulder and she's tucking her hair into a swim cap. Yeah. And she's like, listen, I've been pretty focused on getting ready for the championships. I made all-state swim team. And, okay, well, it sounds to me that the odds of you having some sort of water-based whoopsie are quite low. I mean, I would say so. Amazing news. Okay, you know, anything weird. Give me a persuasion check whoever wants to make up. 14 plus 3, 17. I'm a cute little bear. So, natural 20. Natural 20. You know, I will just- Double natural 20. He also got a natural 20. He rubs my tummy. It's too cute. I would prefer mine be the one that counts. Yeah, Justin, I'm going to say their two-not-twenties really push year 17 over the top. Thank you. And she said whoever wants to could roll it, so I wanted to. I just went, tell me the clues you know to solve the murder. And then he started rubbing my tummy while Lady Godwin just started floating. And she's like, holy fuck, okay. I would say like the weirdest thing. I mean, I don't even know if it's related. We got to combine total of 57. You better know a lot. She holds up the beach towel. And she's like a bunch of the towels in the castle. Have these like weird blue stains on them? It's like that and clearly, let's be honest, blood stains. Kind of, yeah man, he died. And yeah, a bunch of them do. So blue like kind of ink kind of thing and like blood. It's weird, man. Brother Philo, you're good with substances. Can you detect what this blue gunk is? Well, let me investigate. Why, see I'm trying to make it seamlessly work into the yeah, I feel like watching a movie in my mind. I take a real close look at her beach towel. And don't see much anything with a nine. Yeah, with a nine, the closer you look at her beach towel, the more weird it out she is. Yeah. It says stolen from wings. So that was the other thing. Okay. So daddy. Can I smell the, can I use my enhanced primal bear senses to smell the beach towel? You sure can, but I'm going to warn you if you fail, it's going to go bad. So is this perception or investigation? I guess investigation if I'm following my nose. Here we go. This is a four minus one. Yep. Boo boo boo. It's a four minus one boo boo. You lean in and take a big puff of her towel and she immediately spins it tight and whips you in the face and you're going to take three points of damage. Fair. That's totally fair. Why'd you do that? I'm just looking for clues. Well, it's kind of my normal reaction when a bear huffs my towel. I'm so sorry. Huff my towel bear. I accidentally ate a bunch of weed leaves earlier and I'm not myself. How about from Hamlet? Yeah. What's his deal? Listen, I love the guy. He's like a brother to me, but um, yeah, he's gotten. Where's, it's a weird reaction. Where's your dad? My dad? Bologna's? Indeed. He's the old dude over there talking with the king and queen. So he's still alive. I don't want to talk to him. What about Rosa Granzengildenstern? They're the other two young dudes over there. Let's just go down the list and you tell us who everyone is in this room. Okay. Done. Okay. We do that. That's done. We do that. We got a Rosa Granzengild. Are you guys good here? Are we good? We're good. I think so. Laird's is like so boring. Nothing personal. You don't hear that. No, I understand. No, I don't. I'm not saying that about myself. Okay. Let's go to Rosa Granzengildenstern. I think we got everything we're going to get out of this chump. I mean, Ophelia, for real, be careful. Oh, I pushed Laird's over before I left. All right. Do a strength jack for me. Okay. How much? Uh, okay. You want me to show you what? No, no, no, dad. It's good. Thank you. Seven plus three, ten. He waivers a lot but doesn't go over. Wow. Okay. Impressed. Good instincts. Ophelia, do be careful around bodies of water. I'm from the future. And it goes back. We're supposed to make sure no one dies here today. Sort of a quantum leap situation. Roll a roll a per station check for me. Sure thing. I'm a cute little bear. And that's not what. Hey, you should be careful around water. Now listen here, bear. I was willing to accept a talking bear, but a talking bear from the future? That's one step too far. And she whips you with a daligan for another three points of damage. You know, in the first folio, Hamlet did include a protracted scene where Witty the Poo tried to talk Ophelia out of drowning. So this is actually very like adhering to the text. Yeah. I love the reference. And she looks at you and says, now I'm going to exit and I better not be pursued by a bear. And Ophelia leaves. We should have saw that coming. You should have. Okay. I go to Rosencrantz and I say, Hill Guildenstern, you got a moment? It's a power play. No, I'm Rosencrantz. And he's wearing a name tag that says Rosencrantz. Fascinating. Yes, I missed it. Yes. And he's Guildenstern and he's wearing a name tag that says Rosencrantz. Shit. That'll happen. So who killed the king? We're in sort of a hurry. Sorry. This is lead investigator Witty the Poo. I just made sergeant. Today's my last day. But you just made sergeant. It's also his first day. It's my first and last day. No need to keep working when you solve all the crime. I think he just died. That happens to you humans so often. When a bear dies, it's usually for a pretty good reason. Name three. All right. Eat too much honey. Pect to death by crows. Car. Those are the three. Honey, crows and car. You know, two of those also happen to humans. No kidding. Yeah. I won't say with shoe. Okay. So what exactly was the react? Is there scuttle butt about the? When a king dies, do people talk about it? Is that what you mean? Yeah. I mean, come on. The king just, you know, just croaks like that. Yeah. Maybe they're people talking. Yeah. What are they saying? They're saying, oh man, the king died. What a bummer. Sure. Sure. Sure. But there's no like Warren commission investigation or. Oh, well, we're worried about foreign bra and his whole deal coming down and like attacking us now that the king's dead in her position. It's been weekend. Fortune. But he's not on the list. So we know possibly he's at least one place worth a day. Walk away. Okay. How convenient. Yeah. I go over to Ophelia and I snatch her towel of her hand and then I come back over to Polonius. I'm like, Hey, what do you make of this? Wait, you're going to a different dude entirely? No, we were talking to Polonius. I thought you were talking to Rosa Granson Guildenstern. Oh, that's right. Polonius is like, huh? And I'm like, never mind. I go to Rosa Granson Guildenstern. What do you make of this? Oh, well, I can make a goose. I can make a frog. I can make a... No, we're having fun. I was. Okay. I would very much like to see him make a goose out of a piece of fabric. Not a swan. Do it for the goose. Show me sorcerer. Show me your... Yeah, good. He got it. Well, good fucking luck, man. It's not real, Paul. It's a game of Dyson Theater of the Mind and he makes a 12th worth of goose. My God. Yeah, I'm still learning. Self-taught. Anyways, you were asking about, like, the dead king? Right now we're asking about the stinky blue goo. This! Yeah, it looks like, like, blue ink. Okay, thank you. All right. This is that... This guy's made of steel. What do you all have? You should... Oh, is this, like, from the king? Yeah. It's not your business. I associate him more with red. What do you mean? Oh, you know now that I think about it, it's probably because he got these new red shoes and he wouldn't shut up about them. It was the whole thing. You remember that? Yeah, I remember that. I remember that, too. What did you call him? They were burgundy? Are you both... You don't even need us on this show, do you? So, wait, he had red shoes? Oh, yeah. Is that a clue? Because it seems extraordinarily abstract. A clue to what? It's that... The murder mystery that we're doing today. We have murder mystery. I love a murder mystery! Oh, good! Well... Do you have any writing experience? Me? Well, that's who I'm looking at. Or did you mean him? Yeah, me? Any of you have writing experience? Yes. Okay, you don't have to brag. What about you, Rosencrantz? Yes. And you, Rosencrantz? Yes. Well, then perhaps you could spin a tale in your mind where someone has murdered a king under very mysterious circumstances involving blue ink of some kind. Maybe the ink was poisoned. That's good. That's kind of first thought, though. Give me some time to work on it. I'm gonna roll insight to see if that is truly... These guys seem like they're withholding. Yeah, this is what I'm trying to figure out. I got a 19. Very good. Plus 322. So, it does seem like they have more information about the day of their kind of gossips and eavesdroppers and stuff like that. So you get the impression that maybe they're stuff that they do know that maybe they're not being forthright with because they don't want to get in trouble. Okay. Hey, stop lying or I'll devour you whole. Make an intimidation check for me with advantage because you're a bear. Sure. Hold on. Like if a human being said to me, stop lying or I'll devour you whole. I think that that might be disadvantage. That would still be pretty intimidating. Yeah. All right, here we go. Intimidation with advantage. Thank goodness. That is an 18. Yeah, with an 18, one of them, you're not sure if it's Rosengrenz or Gilmstern. It doesn't matter. Gases himself a little bit. Gross. And the other one says, okay, listen, we weren't in the castle that day and we might have been outside the king's door. Sorry. You must speak more clearly. We were outside the king's door listening, trying to figure out, you know, what was going on. And there was a lot of like muttering. So first there was a lot of like footsteps in the room, right? Because we were underneath there with Claudius hanging out. And there was like footsteps in the room above us, like real fast. And then like a thud. And then Claudius went running upstairs. Was the thud above you or was the thud in the king's room? The king's room was above us. So yes. What were you doing just sort of listening in on the king's bedroom? Are you perverts? Yeah. I appreciate how forthright you were with that. Well, this is old times of being a pervert is still pretty okay. Okay, so continue your story. So there was a thud, Claudius went running off. He was in there for like 20 minutes. Came back out with, you know, some like dirty towels. And like a big bundle of like papers and stuff. And then started calling for help. Okay, so earlier when I was asking if something weird had happened around the death of the king and you were like, no, why did you lie? Oh, because we've actually been in trouble a couple of times for eavesdropping and gossiping. I see. And, you know, we thought you were a narc. No, not me. Hey, later on, Hamlet's going to give you a pretty important letter to deliver to the king of England. Oh, awesome. It's so important you deliver it. It's really, really important the king of England sees what's on that letter. Yes. Okay. Now you may be told by the king of Indian staffers that he's busy with some kingship. This is inaccurate. It's super duper, super important that he definitely get the letter. Yes. Okay, cool. And it's super duper, duper important that you don't break the seal and read it ahead of time. Super duper, duper, uper important. Are you guys from the future? This guy gets it. Let's go to the next person. At this point, everybody, a chime goes off, a grandfather clock goes off, and everybody's like, oh, it's time. Don't you guys need to get ready? And they shuffle off into the mortal coil of the performance space. And Hamlet comes over and is like, hey, guys, glad I found you. Doing a little sneaky trickery. You guys are going to love those. We're still on the murder mystery. Yeah, this is part of it. This is part of it. Oh, cool. I've arranged for the players to do a scene about brother marrying or murdering his brother and then marrying his brother's wife. One more time. Just so I have all the everything clear. A brother murders a brother and marries his wife. It's going to freak my uncle's shit out. So it's like what you think happened. Note for note. So you're just doing a prank on your uncle? To what? To what end? Because if he didn't murder my dad, he'd be totally cool watching a play about a brother, murder a brother and marry his brother's wife. But if he's made uncomfortable by that scenario at all, oh, no, he's guilty. Isn't there what? It's extremely spacious. What if he just doesn't like it because he's like, is this what people think happened? This is so hurtful. Oh, what if he did do it and he sees the scene and he's like, nice. That's exactly how I did it. This is a pretty funny play. We actually like this play a lot. This is the best one I've seen. I killed my own dang brother that way. What a coo-wink-a-dink. I'm going to sue for my life rights. They should be stealing these beans. This plan sucks shit, Hamlet. You guys are absolutely correct. And I feel so dumb now. I know how to fix it. Come with me. Oh, great. And he leads you and he pushes you out through the curtain. And the player king says, oh, good. Okay. The understudies are here. All right. Hi, everybody. I'm the player king. Welcome to the show. Hi. How's it going? Hey, thank you. Tonight we're going to be putting on the murder of Gonzago. You know it, right? These three are going to be playing the main part. But before we get started, we're going to need some suggestions from the audience. All right. It's fucking trevus. What is a profession Gonzago could have? Raise your hand if you got one. What is it? Chiropractor. Excellent. Excellent. What is something someone could pour into someone's ear to murder them? Molten lead. Please God save me. Molten lead. Shit. And finally, what is the name of Gonzago's wife? Let's get someone from over here. Margaret. Okay. So you said that. You're going to be the murderer. You're going to be Gonzago. You're going to be Margaret Gonzago's wife. Chiropractor, murdering with molten lead. Margaret. And go. So, did you fill out all the paperwork at the front of the office? No. Well, yes. Oh, good. Have you been to a chiropractor before? Yes. And what did they do to you? Just say what a chiropractor does. What? What does? Just guess. Did they, did they? Guess what the chiropractor did to me was that he tickled my tummy and fed me sweet sticky honey. Yes. Yes. Yes. We have reports of that sometimes happening. Would you say that you're, you're, it's mostly in your lower back or in your upper back? No, pretty much right on the tummy. So lower back front? No, no back stuff at all. Just mostly tummy. How long has he been complaining about this? He never stops. Reminder, dad is the victim. Anyway, you may be a chiropractor, but you're also my kin, my brother. Awesome. Why does he also have to be a chiropractor? It's a scene. It's the start of a herald. I don't think I'm allowed to see you. I mean, you know, professional ethics and everything. I can't really chiroprac you. Yes, of course. Does anyone want to make a perception check to see how this is going with Claudia so far? I don't think I need to, Travis, just kind of listening to the crowd reaction. I know it's good over gang of busters persuasion or what is it? Perception. I rolled a 17 plus none. 17 plus six, 23. Wow. Okay. If Claudius is getting anything out of this, he is living a pretty strange existence. He is, you can see a mixture confusion with a 23 of like confusion, obviously, what's going on. Right, right, right. But also like, so it's a brother and a brother and the brother's wife? Okay. Really looking on him. Hey, check out what I'm going to do to you now. Yeah, you got a lot. You got the bottle of poison, sweetie. Actually, it's molten lead. You got the molten lead, sweetie. Yeah. Point. Point. It is here. Oh, wait, maybe is it poison? Well, it's molten lead, honey. Okay. It's Arthur poison of molten lead. It's a mix of both, a little cocktail. Check this out. If you plug it in. Yeah. And it seems like Gonzaga is plugging his ears for those of you at home. Is that good for him? Prop or bad? Just keep going. Keep going. Well, then I'll put it in my own ears. Is this anything? Okay. What happens then? Howie, howie. It worked, darling. It worked, darling. Here, let me use this. Ah! Ah! Okay, I pour the molten lead into dad's ear. Okay, all three of you make a performance chart. I am a done. A 20? A nat 20, Justin? A natural 20. No, wait, hold on. Yeah, it's a natural 20. Okay. I think that mine shouldn't count because Justin got a natural 20. Because I got my second nat one of the live show. All right, I'm going to... Which, hey, yeah, it feels right to me. Dad, your turn. You can't actually be dead for the rest of the show. Clinton. That's too easy and out. Roll performance. It was sweet for about 30 seconds there. Um, that is a 12. All right. Okay. I'm going to say... Yeah. So, with the nat 20... Don't pretend like you just did some sort of advanced math. He did. It's more of a gut. It's an art. There's art here. It's, hey, Griffin, it was going to be a success, but now... Ah, yeah. Now... Punish him. I can't make it any worse than my boy. With a boba tan and a nat 20, it cancels out Griffin's shitty one. Yeah. Nice. And, uh, against all odds, Claudia shrinks her feet in a reaction. Now, admittedly, it's not quite sure... What part he is responding to, but he is definitely seen enough. Well, hold on. Let's do it again, but we'll separate the parts out. Was it the chiropractor stuff you didn't like? No. The ear stuff? I wasn't wild about that. We got him. Book him. It's pretty challenging material. I don't blame you. I'm going to go and he runs away. And Hamlet sprays to his feet and goes, I got him. Yeah. Ironclad stuff. It'll totally hold up in a court of Danish law. And he draws a dagger. What? Wait, wait. And he chases after Claudius into the room. And everybody freaks out. Everybody flees into the different hallways. And you're left alone in the performance room for just a second. Because then, in the middle of the stage, directly in front of the three of you, a ghost appears. And he looks at you and at first is completely blank-faced. And then his eyes flash one red, one blue. He smiles maliciously and disappears. That seemed a little spooky. And that's where we're going to take our intermission dig here, everybody. Don't be right back. Go get some of those posters by Anna Rhodes and have a fun intermission. All right. Guys, I got a mattress from Lisa, the luxury hybrid, and it is changing my life. First, I'm just going to tell you, first of all, it lays flat like this. A lot of beds that I have had in the past are at a 45-degree angle or worse, Dracula style, 180. So the Lisa mattress is flat, which we love. The next one is... That is 108. I do just want to say that the flat is 108. It's way longer than my body. A lot of beds, my head and feet, dangle off of them like a child, like Will Ferrell in the film, Elf, on the Elf beds. This is not like that. This bed is bigger than my body, which is incredible. Is it thin like a tissue? No, no. It's comfortable like a million tissues. Whoa. Sorry, it says here, don't compare it to a million tissues. No, it's got aerated foam channels and an ultra breathable dual spring system. It's like sitting in between the balance of foam and spring. It's like living in the middle, in the mid-space. It's the perfect balance. In the shadow lands. And yeah, it can keep you cool. They got a chill hybrid too, if you want to go a little bit cooler. Like me. You can advance cooling, luxury quilt top. If you want... Yeah, exactly. I'm a chill hybrid. Yeah. You're a chill hybrid. Yeah. Half Travis, half electric. Go to lisa.com for 20% off mattresses, plus get an extra $50 off with promo code adventure, exclusive for our listeners. That's l-e-e-s-a dot com, promo code adventure for 20% off mattress, plus an extra $50 off. Support our show and let them know we set you after check out lisa.com promo code adventure. And check this out. Little s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s. That's pretty good, Griffin. Thanks. I'm a big boy. I need tempo. Hey, everyone. Welcome to the advertisements here on the adventure zone. I'd like to tell you about tempo. I... And with us is special guest, J.K. Simmons. In... That's not my tempo. Well, no, I'm saying... It's not my tempo. Have him say like, that is my tempo. Oh, that is my tempo. Okay, J.K., you can leave. Now make him say... Now make him say, Griffin's the best. Griffin's the best. Give me pictures of Spider-Man. You didn't tell him to say that. That was you doing the plays. He's on the headphones. Okay. He's got his own cans. He brought him from home. Okay. He's a professional. Are you guys like... Oh, are you guys like this? What do you mean? Can you just do a normal advertisement? Can you do like a normal... Just do a normal ad. Okay, so yeah, I'm a busy guy and so is Travis. He knows J.K. Simmons. So when you're busy and you're on the go and you want to eat good food but you only have like two minutes to heat it up, you can still have really yummy stuff. Thanks to tempo. This is my tempo. I'm talking about Tuscan bacon mushroom chicken. I'm talking about five spice glazed chicken thighs. Yeah, he is. They got seafood options. They got chili shrimp rice bowl. They got so many stuff. They got protein packed stuff. They're always swapping around the menu. So you can always like try out new stuff and it all tastes really good. And you can get it ready like really, really fast. And even J.K. Simmons likes it. He's the biggest eater I know. Yeah, yeah, that's true. He has really specific tastes and there is a special J.K. Simmons only menu on tempo. Yeah. I eat pictures of Spider-Man. So yeah, if you go to tempomheals.com, you'll see an option that'll be like the special J.K. Simmons menu. When you click on it, it says, it's like a captcha. It'll be like, are you J.K. Simmons? And it tests you and if it's not, then it'll be like get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here. This is for J.K. only, it says. So for a limited time, Tempo is offering my listeners 60% off your first box. Go to tempomheals.com slash adventure. That's tempomheals.com slash adventure for 60% off your first box. Tempomheals.com slash adventure rules and restrictions may apply. Hey, a couple quick announcements too before we get back to the episode. We've got a bunch of cool stuff over at macroemerge.com. If you haven't checked it out, you need to go through that. 10% of all merch proceeds this month will be donated to Border Angels. Macroemerge.com, check that out. Also Griffin's book, The Stowaway, is out now to choose your own adventure adventure. Go to bit.ly slash griffinstowaway and get all the information there or find it at a local bookstore. Thank you, Travis. You're welcome, Griffin. And Justin's great too. He does cool things. Whatever. All right. Back to the show. Hey, what's up, everybody? My name is Mark Gagliardi and I host We Got This with Mark and Hal on the Maximum Fun Network. Would you like to introduce yourself as well? My name is Jessie and I am from Minneapolis, Minnesota. Hi, Jessie from Minneapolis, Minnesota. Jessie, you are our Maximum Fun member of the month. I'm so delighted to hear that I'm the member of the month. Thank you. Is there a first episode that you remember? The pretzel shape episode. Yeah. That's pretty classic. Both of us just killed off each other's answers and went with pretzel rod, which is clearly not the best. No, that is a terrible pretzel. As our member of the month, you have a parking spot at Maximum Fun headquarters, as well as a $25 gift card to the Maximum Fun store. We say at the end of the episode, we wouldn't do it without you and we couldn't do it without you. So thank you for that. You're welcome. Become a Max Fun member now at maximumfun.org. Slash join. Hello. Hello. I'm calling on behalf of the Beef and Dairy Network podcast. No, no, I'm sorry. No sales calls. Goodbye. It's a multi-award winning podcast featuring guests such as Ted Danson, Nick Offerman, Josie Long. I don't know what a Josie Long is. And anyway, I'm about to take my mother into town to see Phantom of the Opera at last. You are wasting my time and even worse, my mother's time. She only has so much time left. She's 98 years old. She's only expected to live for another 20 or 30 years. Mother get your shoes on. Yes, the orthopedic one. They don't have to carry you home again, do I? Right. Well, if you were looking for a podcast... Mother, you're not wearing that, are you? It's very revealing, mother. This is a musical theater, not a Parisian bordello. Simply go to maximumfun.org. I'm reaching for my Samsung Galaxy 4 as we speak. Mother! Mother, not that hat! The End Did you have a nice pee? That's gross. You shouldn't have told us that. We're cops. We're pee cops. We're pee cops. Write down your pee experience and email to us, joeroganshowatjoerogan.com. Joerogan at gopissgirl.com. Piss stories only at joesofrogan.net. .gov. .wow. We're the world's only Joe Rogan podcast fancast. You're joining us for another hit recording. You guys like that last episode? Yeah, man. Good stuff. Yeah, good stuff. I like the way he's just an ordinary guy. I was getting questions. We don't know anything else about this man's program. I bet you do. Let's not pretend. We could guess. Yeah, probably. Hilariously, I know more about Hamlet. When last we left off? It was like 15 minutes ago. Okay, tell me what happened. Well, the ghost turned out to be a bad ghost, not a friendly ghost with two different colored eyes. That was pretty spooky stuff, man. I've been back there backstage for the last 15 minutes, just having a full panic attack, thinking about it. Yeah, he was really scared. I'd help him calm down. Hamlet is going to kill Claudius. We don't stop him. That's it. Okay. I'm giving Chase to Hamlet. I'm chasing Hamlet. Same. Okay. I'm trying to stop him. Give me a whatever check you can justify to like track him. Athletics. Yeah. Speed. Can I use nature? You know what? Even my plus six won't do much good when I roll a two in athletics to try to catch Hamlet, the notoriously athletic Prince of Denmark. I am printed on him. Can I use nature to track? Of course. It was very sorry. Can I resolve my incredible attempt at tracking Hamlet? Are you running to the door frame? Okay. Oh, ow. I got an 11. Philo, anything you want to try? I did athletics for 13. That's the best one, Clint. Dad's got a new thing where he'll roll and then decide if he's going to tell us about it or not. You got to ask like. Another filter to success. Philo takes off on his little puppet legs. Wow. After Hamlet. That's wearing bell. I don't know if you would appreciate this. Dad has bells on his shoes, which at first I was like, that's annoying. And then I was like, that's handy. That's useful. Yeah, it's good. It's nice to know where that is at all times. Yeah. This is a, we haven't been to this theater one or the other backstage. He could get lost. He could get lost. He could get scared. He could definitely get lost. Of good, good, good ghosts. All right. So you are able to track him to a kind of dead end hallway with a couple of doors, but you lose track of him. There's a couple open doors. So the three of you are now in this hallway with a couple open doors, not exactly sure which one he went into. What do you want to do now? We should definitely split up. You think? That's always a good idea in these games. I doubt there's going to be a spike trap where people live here. Look over there. Yeah. There will be a spike trap. Hey, uh, Winnie. Yeah. Make a constitution saving throw for me. That's only fair Travis. Constitution saving throw. Here we go. Plus zero. Okay. Is the check possibly a one because I got a two. You better be so glad you didn't get a one. You started to hear some really funky music playing in your brain. Colors get really vibrant. Oh no. You're really enjoying the feeling of things. Guys, you're not going to believe this. He went up. And I'm going to, can I cast, uh, can I cast Winnie, please listen to me. You're made of pure energy. What is your, what's your spell casting ability based on? What is it based on? A wisdom. Oh no. You do have disadvantage on anything wisdom and intelligence based. Oh really? Yeah. Because you're a highest ship. I was going to use Mel this stone to go up through the sea, just no clip looking for Prince Hamlet. Yeah. Okay. Do you need to roll for that? I don't think I do. Just for eight hours. I enter stone and then you do hear me say, I'm stuck. I've got to stop doing this. I try to, I try to pull him free. Wait, actually, hold on. Roll, uh, d20 for me. Okay. Just straight up. I'll use my fanciest one. Uh, 10. Okay. With a 10. Yeah. You just, what you guys see is Winnie the boot jumps up, lands back down on the ground and goes, I'm stuck. I'm stuck in the ceiling. I'm stuck in the ceiling. I'm going to die. I'm going to die in this Scandinavian ceiling. Okay. I'm going to check my rations for honey. 14. You have honey. A little bit. Do you want some honey? How much? A little bit. Can you be more specific? You have one smack roll. Thank you. So one smack roll. One smack roll, it seems. I'm still stuck in the ceiling, but it's more chill now. Thank you. Thank you, Lady Gaga. Glad to help, I guess. Yeah, you've evened out a little bit. You're feeling a little bit more, uh, yourself. I'm going to take a backseat on making any big decisions for a few. Everybody make a perception check for me? Two. Six. Jesus, man. No, wait, nine. Nine, okay. Not a six. A nine. No, I just. We got to start rolling funnier numbers, gang. Papa, what you got? Eleven. Okay, really good. It was a 10. So you can hear a kerfuffle coming from one of the three rooms, and you know which one it is. That's way. Yeah. Once again, little puppet legs. Take over on clackety, clackety, clackety, clackety, jingle, jingle, jingle. Super quick, Trevor, just because I can imagine. How tall is Winnie the Pooh? Why are you asking me? Griffin, I'm three apples high. Okay. That can't be it. So can I, just for like canonically. Wait, how big are the apples? Like they're just like, like canonically, Lady Melinda for Godwin is this big tall barbarian woman, and she's just got these two little. She's two little eyes. How am I supposed to? July, I mean like these two little insane little, like a puppet and a bear. What do people make of her? Like what do they think she is? The kerfuffle is this way, Mommy. I followed the bear and the puppet, I guess. I mean like. I do like in my brain, Griffin, depending on what action you decide to take, it flips whether it's a real bear or a stuffed animal. Yeah, sure. Just when you're like, Q-Bear rubbing his thumb, and I'm like, stuffed animal, and I'm going to eat you, and I'm like real bear. And it just goes back and forth in my brain, depending on what thing you make. That is the druidic nature though, right? That's why Wild Shape Travis. It's real. When you enter into the doorway, what you see is Hamlet knife drawn, eyes flashing red, Gertrude in the middle of the room panicking, putting herself between Hamlet and the window with the curtains drawn. And you can see the curtains kind of moving around very clearly. Someone is behind there and Hamlet's like, I'm going to get him. I'm going to stab that guy. Hey, mama, move out of the way. Let me kill my dad. Philocast's web. Hell yes. Where does that come out of you? Well, we're going to hold on. Hold that thought for a second. Yeah, we'll get to the orifice role in a second. Why do you need it? Take a stab. What? What is what is so mechanically in D&D, you can't just say, I do this thing. Okay, you conjure a mass of thick sticky webbing. Really thick and really sticky. Why would you do this? This is vulgar. I'm just reading the words at the point of your choice within range. It fills a 20 foot cube from the. Wow. That's a lot. What do these people think webs are? A cube of webs? That's not a metric of webs. I don't know. I've never seen a spider really like push himself. Hey. Let me see what I can do. That's what killed Charlotte. Okay. I think it was old age. Wait a minute. Charlotte. Okay. Okay. All right. Listen, this, the webs are difficult terrain. I can read it. It's right here. They do. And lightly obscure. They're eerie. Dad didn't want to read it because it makes his smell sound like junk. Do I need to make a check is what I'm asking. Oh, holy shit. There's a novel. Oh God. If the webs aren't anchored between some solid masses or later across the world. So welcome Travis. Oh no, that's a four. Yeah. Hamlet is in that web. Oh man. Isn't this the way it always goes? Can I say it looks like it kind of goes with your whole aesthetic. Thanks bro. Now make a wisdom saving throw with disadvantage. Okay. That's a fucking 19 and uh, okay. Wait 11 plus 11 plus uh six 17. Oh okay. It was a DC 15. For a second, you're panicked when these webs, what you see is like the trails come flying out of Filo, you know, like, but then you see it like out of his fingers and they're like beautiful rainbows and it's totally chilling. Also, and it's out of my nose by the way. You asked what it came out of comes out of my nose. So that's what it really comes out of. I was setting up kind of a vision thing you was having. I know. Are you saying Filo the puppet sneezes and web shoot out? That's cool. Well, his nose is the whole focal point. I move the curtain aside. Careful, partner. You are about to stab the wrong cowboy. Hi, I'm Polonius. I'm an advisor around here. I didn't think you'd actually be a cowboy. Wow. Wow. That kind, but has given me the power of prognostication. Let me ask you a question, little bear man. Yes, old timey prospector. Would you consider yourself more of a borrower or a lender? Why neither of them be. Good answer. Thanks. That was a test. I like you. What's your name? I just saved. We saved your life like moments ago. What? Yeah, he was going to stab the dickens out of you. It's true. The bear has future sight. It's been quite perplexing. Hamlet? The bear. No, I know. I'm addressing Hamlet. He doesn't have a name. Do you have a name, bear? It's one of the poo. Fascinating. Winnie the Pooh, he says. So is the poo like your middle and last name? Is my middle name? Like Smokey the Bear. Do you know Smokey the Bear? Is that racist ask? It's Bearist, which is. So you're embarrassed. We're like five layers deep on what is essentially a non-joke to begin with. Hamlet? Yeah. Were you going to kill me? Yeah. I didn't know it was you, the man. I was just driven by like pure anger. I thought you were my stepdad. Oh, okay. Wait, what? I punched Polonius in the stomach. You work for me now, Toad. Make an intimidation, Chang. Should be no problem. I picked the weakest one in the room and I went with it. It's a 19. Yes, of course. Plus three, 22. Yes, of course, my lady. Tell me it. Call her mommy. Yes, of course, mommy. Tell me everything you know. Tell me everything you know about the murder of the king. Which one? Smack him in the face. Oh, yes. Sorry, mommy. The one that got murdered. I'm actually going to need you to backpedal on the mommy stuff. But it's too deep in me now. May I be excused from the scene? You may most certainly not. Murder of the king. Murder. Oh, you mean old Hamlet? Sure. Is that his name? That was the dad's name. Not Doug. The dad's name. Oh, do you want to call him by his first name? Green eggs. This room is hard to be in at the moment. I had Travis, I just got an email that said no. It said, tell Travis, wow, no, it says. It's from fucking Ticketmaster, dude. It says Ticketmaster, dude. It's from the Bojangles Center. They said it's too close to the Bojangles Center for that. Please stop. Listen, did, did, was there a murder most foul of the king by his brother? Claudius. No, I don't think so. But I mean, listen, he was very healthy. I'm surprised if he got a natural causes. He had just taken up running. And he had these new red shoes. Oh, yes. Beautiful red running shoes. He loved to run and he was very healthy. I want to show your, your daughter, Refilia has this towel. This blue ink. Do you make anything of it? Oh, you know, the king loved to draw, loved to draw. Draw? Yes. He was quite, you know, you said jog. No, both. He ran. You can be artsy and a jock at the same time. I know it's a consonance issue. We're running. Yes. He liked to jog and draw. Okay. So he got to run at the same time. I can't stress enough. Run for health and do art. Can we go with that? Yes. You're excellent. Um, can I try and get that? I never saw the drawings, by the way, to make it clear. We must, should we find the drawings? It seems like it could be a clue. Hamlet, I'm going to need that knife. But it's my, it's my favorite. Oh, he's all webbed up. It's my favorite knife. I'm going to take the knife. He's all webbed up. Oh, man. Let me get you down from there. No. Nope. I think we're fine with him there, right? No, I'm not going to be a great boy. Hey, man, I don't want to kill Bologna, as I like him. We can't kill anyone. Or else I think we're stuck here forever, which would be a fate worse than death. Yes, the portal will close. Okay. We met the ghost, by the way. Oh, my dad? Your dad, Hamlet. Old Hamlet. Yes, old Hamlet. Did he have crazy looking eyes for you too? I don't remember that. I think I'd remember if he did. I'm going to say no. Do you mean in real life or in ghost form? In ghost form. Definitely not in real life. Maybe in ghost form. Maybe in ghost form. You got to throw us a bone here. Let me think. Yeah. Okay. Like Neil McDonough. Listen, it's super important that... Neil McDonough is an actor. Yeah, wait a minute. I got to see the guy. Definitely the most relatable person with heterochromia that you could have chosen. He's in Paul Blair Malkov too. Yeah, I don't know what I'm saying. But not everyone in this theater. I can't believe I have to explain this to you. He's in a Star Trek movie too. Thanks, Dan. You stay right there. We can't have you killing anyone while we invest. When I got a piss, girl. That's fine. Did you just say I got a piss, girl? I guess I did. Everyone out of the room. We're leaving Hamlet in here. I want to talk to Gertrude. Is that possible? Yeah, I'm right here. Wait, Gertrude is... Oh yeah, I guess Gertrude's in this scene too. Is Gertrude in this room with us even now? Yeah, I'm right here. You've been so quiet. Give us a sign. There's a lot going on. The little puppet man sneezed webs out and caught my son. And the bear is sometimes real and sometimes not. Yeah, and apparently has future sight. This is true. May I make one moment? Of course, yeah. Listen, you're kind of on the same level with Gertrude. Why don't you talk to her? And a lady to lady, yes. Well, I meant royalty to royalty. If you want to make it a sex thing, that's fine. No, it's so lady does not... Anyway, it's not a royalty, you know, it's just a... Okay, so not everyone talks like this is a queen. No, I know, yes. Boinking your brother-in-law. What's that like? He's a bear, I'm a puppet. What? I said, sorry, there was some cross talk. Boinking your brother-in-law, eh? What's that like? Make an inside check. I'm pretty good at those actually. All three of you can. Okay. Insight. Ten. Another funny roll. It's a really good one. That is a 16. That is a 17. 16. 17 minus 1, 16. Okay. So two out of the three of you, and I won't say which two. Clock that when you say... And I don't know which two. Just even listening to you, I didn't rely enough to know. She reacts in a way that makes it clear to you like that's not what's happening. Oh. You're not boinking your brother-in-law. What's that like? I don't really want to talk about it in front of Hamlet. He's pretty well webbed up. We can go literally out in the hallway if you'd like. Yeah, let's do that. Okay. Hamlet, you good? Yeah. You guys step on the hallway like... Okay. You seem like three trustworthy outsiders. Based on what? We're only a person if you round up. There's something about the little bear, the puppet clown man, and you, Lady with a soda on head. The hola queen or the classics of the Italian Renaissance? Yeah. It was very much a marriage of convenience in my husband's time. Which one? Sorry. Old Hamlet. Old Hamlet died. Not new Hamlet. You're not married to him. Gross. Yet. You got plans? No, I just haven't read the play that closely. Okay. And so then, Hamlet would have been king. Yes. You met him, right? So you married... ...your brother-in-law so that your son wouldn't become king because he sucked so bad? He's just not... He's just not ready for it. He's only 33. We have been tasked with an important mission to help him get his groove back. I didn't know he lost it. Really? Really? Now that you mention it, there have been some make-up and wardrobe changes. Yes. So you don't know anything about the murder? Who is a murderer? No, he died. Mmm. I think... Hey, did you keep your husband's shoes? Sorry? Did you keep your husband's shoes? You can't set Chekhov's shoes in the room and be like, oh, what shoes? Did you keep your husband's shoes? Did you keep your husband's shoes? Did you keep your husband's shoes? I have listened to... I've got the husband's shoes! ...Waad and so many murder mysteries, and it's just rare to come across a sentence that I have no frame of reference. I've got the husband's shoes' clues blues. And I need all the shoes I can use for the clues. Make a persuasion, Chekhov? That's a one, but I rolled a D6, so it's not really that bad. Yeah, that don't count. All things considered. I can beat that with a 2. I rolled a 19 plus 3 for 22. Oh, it's... His... no, the... His new red running shoes. It was them, yes. Yes, I did. I did keep them. Where are they? I mean, in that I haven't gotten rid of them yet. It was only last month. Okay. Can we see them that may be either vitally important to solving the crime or completely not important to solving the crime? If there is a crime. Okay. Yeah, right in here, she leads you into the bedroom that's right across from her room into the king's room. And everybody make a persuasion check for me? Gladly. I'm pretty good at those. 21. 19. Wow. A hilarious 12. Okay. Everyone who's not downed, when you go in, even now, it's very faint, but it's very clear. A lot of cleaning solution kind of smell very... And where... sorry, where are we? In the king's chamber. Where the murder took place. And with a 21, even with the cleaning and stuff with your bare senses, you can see some touches of stains, unlike the rug and the furniture and stuff of the blood and this blue ink. And it seems like it's been thoroughly cleaned. And she reaches into the closet and pulls out this pair of like red sneakers. White stripes on the side, white base, and she's like, yes, these... He only got them quite recently, but he loved them. Yes. Okay. Listen, look at me. I'm a barbarian. He's a bear. You can do magic. Please. You have to rise to competence just for a moment. Please look at the shoes and just do something useful. Any magic detection, your magical skills, anything. We're both so ill-equipped for this. I beg of you. Something. You've got it. I believe in you, Pinocho. Um, come on. Yes, flaming sphere ought to do it. Just give me any magic. Yes, Melsass and Eros definitely knew the trick. A clue. Just shut up and let me think. Okay. Okay. I cast guidance. Fuck yeah. On the shoes. They're going to start walking towards the answer. Just before the spell ends, the target can roll a d4 and add the number, roll to one ability, check if it's joyous. So, so, so. This one ain't it. Is that okay? No, that's not it. No, no, no, no. I think it's good. Can shoes roll? Well, the one's with those little wheels in the bottom. My heelies, they're heelies. They're right. Wheelies. I'm going to test to get the shoes while he's... Well, he's trying to... Fiercely flipping through his spilt. That is a 17. Yes, with a 17, the shoes, what you find on the bottom, is a streak and up the side of this blue ink. Okay. And with a 17, it's very much in a pattern of like, touching the bottom and scraping on the side. Oh, wait a minute. And then you're stuck, right? And you can't do anything. And then dad is like, I have an idea. Oh, go on. I cast identify on the shoes. You choose one object that you must touch throughout the casting of the spell. If it is a magic item or some other magic of you object. It's not. It's not. You learn its properties and how to use them. Now wait, are they magic shoes? Hey, I'm going to tell you right now. No. No, no, no. Now, Travis, mama said they wore my magic shoes. So are you saying mama's lying about my magic shoes? Well, let's bullshit. Let's let dad burn a spell slot. Yeah. For you to look at him and just go shoes. They're shoes. They're red running shoes. But he slipped in blue stuff. Phil, look at the last line though. If you instead touch a creature throughout the casting, you learn what spells if any are currently affecting it. Is that anything? I don't think so. Fuck. Stop maybe you never know. And just then. Yes. You hear another, believe it or not, kerfuffle. God dang. In the room back across the way that you left Hamlet all webbed up. All right. We're going to go check on Hamlet. I should have left him a canteen or something. None of you kill each other while we're gone. When you enter the room, you find leirates with a knife drawn on the web dot pamlet yelling, you try to kill my dad. Come on. He's like, yeah, man, because I thought he was the man who tried to do, did kill my dad. Hey, how did you hear about that so fast? Make a perception check. All three of you. 11. A very popular number tonight. Two. Yes. I heard the two just that my perception so bad I couldn't tell if you did or not. Nat 20. Nat 20. Just to climb back on. Yeah. Nat 20. You see, you see Leirates eyes flash blue and for just a wisp of a second, you see almost like a ghostly silhouette leaning over his shoulder and then it's gone. I knew it. I hate this guy. I kick Leirates as hard as I can. So are you kick Leirates as hard as I can? I'm the one who punched your dad in the stomach. If you have issues, take them up with me, child. And when he says, no, please don't attack mommy. 15 plus six. Attack roll. Yeah, man. Yeah, that hit. Yeah. Okay. I kicked him in the stomach to knock him away from Hamlet and I take his knife too. Stupid. I push him to the ground. Yeah. Maybe does Philo kneel down behind him when you do it? Yeah, that's good. He's fully bullied now. What do you got, dad? Bullying saves lives. Wait, hold on. No, no, no. No, wait, my turn. I dust him off. I pick up Leirates. He said, I dust him off. I say, sorry, I got carried away. Philo. Philo casts C invisibility. Come on. That's got to be something. And what does it do? It lets you see invisibility. For the duration, you see invisible creatures and objects as if they were visible. And you can see, okay, I know, reeks of confidence, dad. And you can see into the ethereal blade. Still got the note on your back. Excellent. Ethereal creatures and objects appear ghostly and translucent. Fantastic. And is there a check associated with it or do you just do it? I just do it. Yeah, there's no check. Yeah. Okay, great. Yeah, you cast a spell and you can see this ghostly form now peeking over Leirates' shoulder. And now that you can see invisibility, you get a sense of it's a mixture of the blue and the red moving throughout. Almost like when you have oil and water in one of those tubes that science teachers use to show you the different densities where it's not quite mixing, it's almost like a lava lamp, which would have been a much better image in retrospect. Of course. And the ghost then clocks that you can see it and disappears. And Leirates is... Wait, he can see invisible shit. How does he do that? Because his focus is now exactly where the ghost is. Okay. Now I get it. He goes double invisible. Like, I'm not invisible, but I can hide from you. I guess I've had a lot of sense actually. He leaves the room. The ghost is like, bye. Oh, shit. If you're going to be a pervert about it, I guess I'll go. Weirdo. And Leirates, his poise, he relaxes and he's still caught in this thing. I disarmed him though. Yes. Okay. But he's like, I just want to hurt Hamlet and I'm not 100% sure why. I picked up Leirates and I'm going to hang him in the webs. You'll be right here. Perfect. Everyone gather around the point. I tell you what, all men in the webs. If you're a man, get in the webs. Polonia says, up he's Polonia. All right, I chuck Polonia's into the webs. Yay. Rosencrantz, Guildenstern, get over here. We were just passing by. Doesn't matter. Web, web, web. All men in the webs. Thank you. That goes for every one of you too. All men in the webs. Leave it to the rest of us. And Gertrude goes, you know what? I think these boys just need to get their wiggles out. You know what I mean? Leirates, Hamlet, they're just young 30-somethings. You know how they are. They get the zoomies. They get the zoomies. I would like to chase this ghost to try to pursue this ghost. Any means that I have available to me. I can't see invisible though. I'll go with you. Thank you. Okay, I pick up Filo by the back of his head. I run around with him in front of me like, What did you say? This is a lantern. There, there, there, there. There. I'm using Filo to chase him. I'm just picturing you like bringing him around. No, I scoop him, putting him in the other hairs. I've got him both. I'm holding both of them out in front of me. He's dual wielding. Both of my partners, my associates. I like that so much you don't have to roll. Yeah, with your special invisible detective Filo and your sniffer bear, you're able to track him down following into this like kind of big hall. A lot of the great hall we were in before. And when you get there, you're not able to spot exactly where the ghost is, but closely behind you come in Hamlet and Leertes, Plonies, Claudius, Rosengrins, Gilmister, Ophelia, Leertes, everybody. You can see Leertes and Hamlet cleaning the webs off. And they walk over to two racks and grab out fencing foils. And Gertrude's like, I have the best way for them to get their wiggles out. We're going to do a little just like fencing standoff, kind of best of three kind of deal. Just let them burn through whatever, piss and vanegr these young boys. I'd like to check the weapons, please. Okay. To make sure they're safe. I'm a professional. What skill are you using to do that? Investigation. Okay. They look fine. This is the set. This is the set. That's gorgeous. It's great, Trav. I designed this myself. That's really good. You should get a hobby. Get a hobby. Production of Hamlet. Thank you. They look fine. These look like good weapons for fighting each other. Excellent. Yeah. Can I, do I see the skull bong anywhere nearby? Roll a D20 for me. Okay. I would assume brother Philo picked it up. 17? You know what happens when you assume. Yeah, it's sitting on the bench next to Hamlet. He never goes anywhere without York. Okay. I say, let's bust these ghosts. It may be just the one. Let me try that again. Time for this ghost to get busted. I'll light it up and smash it on the ground to cast Fairy Fire. Objects in a 20 foot cube within range are outlined in blue, green, or violet light. Let's go with violet. And it's outlined if it fails to take a serious saving throw. And objects and affected creatures shed dim light in a 10 foot radius and cannot benefit from the invisible condition. If any of those bad ghosts is around. That's him. Yeah. The ghost appears in the middle of the room and does a dramatic point at Claudius. And you see Hamlet's eyes flash red. And he goes, this is it, man. This is the time. I'm going to kill my uncle because he killed my dad. And he draws his rapier. Wait. I don't think he actually did. If we look at all the clues and I just pick up the shoes. There's a slippy mark here on the bottom, which makes me think your dad had an old fashioned. Oh, oh, after spilling some ink on the ground, he did a little slip. Oh, oh, fell, bonked his head and then he died from it instantly turning him into a ghost, turning him into this bad ghost with different eyes like character actor Neil McDonough case closed. And Claudius says, it's true. You know everything. He loves Sonic the Hedgehog. Hold on. Wait. What? What? We don't know about that part of it. Start over. Start over the whole thing, Claudius. I thought you knew everything. Well, you know, the boats. But say it out loud for everyone else as well. He's got more of a bird's eye kind of thing. We need to drill down a bit. He was obsessed with Sonic the Hedgehog. And he would sit in his room all day drawing pictures of Sonic the Hedgehog and dress as Sonic the Hedgehog. And he would run around his room in his red Sonic the Hedgehog sneakers yelling, got to go fast, got to go fast. And then he slipped on one of his Sonic the Hedgehog fan arts and hit his head on the chest and died. And then I had to clean him up and get rid of the drawing. So no one would know that he was obsessed with Sonic the Hedgehog. And that's how he died. Travis, what's up? I guess this beat for beat three minutes in and I just didn't want to blow it for you. But I didn't want to blow it for a meal. It was pretty obvious if you think about it. I can't believe you guys figured it out. So time to leap. Why am I stupid? And as you figure this out, the ghost splits in twain. Uh-oh. And Sonic and Knuckles. And six skeletons enter in through the archways on the side. They hold the chaos gem in their hand. Wait. And the candelabras all along the walls spring into purple flame. There is a red horned demon and a blue much more like wasted kind of ethereal demon. Have you guys been here this whole time? And the blue demon says, indeed we have. Then why didn't I see you? We were the ghost. You saw the ghost. Ah, boo. What the hell was the ghost? What are you doing here? This is our playground. It's not. It's one of Shakespeare's saddest works. Now, thanks to us, vengeance and wrath. It's a little heavy-handed though, don't you think? But now we know their names, vengeance and wrath. And if you know a demon's name, you can exorcise them. Thanks, Clinton McRoy. You didn't sound very confident when you said that, sir. That's because it was Clint McRoy. And he left out a word in there. A demon's true name is the kind of thing he didn't say there. Why don't you exercise yourself? Sounds like you know all the rules of it. Do us a solid banish. So you've ruined one of Shakespeare's sexiest- Ruined? Yes. It was vapid. It was a sexy, sexy romp. I think we have stopped them from that though. I don't know. It's all happy. And wrath says- And everybody's stuck in sticking stuff. We kill them, brother. And vengeance says, oh, not so fast, brother. We just need to finish our performance. And then in future performances, we'll just kill them before they wake. But wait. And the two demons leap into Hamlet and Leertes. With wrath taking Hamlet and vengeance taking Leertes. And they square off to fight. Role initiative. Okay. 19 plus 2, 21. 17 plus 2, 19. Yes. I've even created a battle map. 15 plus 1, 16. Okay, sorry. Give that to me one more time. That's a 21 for Justin, a 19 for me, and a 16 for dad. We're going to fucking destroy these demons before they get a chance to act. You are placed in between the two of them. So you will, yeah. And then they also got a five. So you go first. But wait. What? We can't kill them. No, I'm pretty sure that the rule doesn't apply to demons. I know, but we have to avoid killing. They are, they are square off to kill one another. Oh, we have to get the demons out of them. We can't let, okay, we can't kill Hamlet and Leertes. Yeah, can't help kill Hamlet and Leertes. Well, that does complicate things considerably. It's kind of weird that I actually knew that in years ago. Well, I'm a forest bear. I mean, I've been paying a lot of attention, you know. I think Lady Godwin. Yes, Lady Godwin, you are up first. I am going to, can I reach the chandelier? Are they too high up? So along the walls on the walls are located the chains for the chandelier. Paul, do you have the printouts that I gave you? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I have the printouts that I gave you. I'm a supplemental printout, but I have to say, look, yeah, you guys can see the set design this way. Okay, this is gorgeous, and Travis, this looks so rad. I'm going to toss this into the audience when we're done with the show, because it looks so kick-ass. It looks like an FMV game from 1999. I'm going to throw Jennifer Meyer at the upper left chandelier chain. Okay, excellent. Give me an attack roll with Jennifer Meyer. Okay, no problem. That's Lady Godwin's axe. 23. Yeah. That's good enough to hit a chain. For sure. That'll move the chains. It smashes down. Give me a d20 luck roll. Okay. It's strange. So yeah, it crashes down up here. Not quite in the way of Hamlet in Lairtees, but it is definitely creating some difficult terrain up in that area. Winnie the Pooh, you are next. Well, long as I'm attacking. Might as well attack again. I'm going to try to throw Lairtees into the broken glass, really put them in some difficult terrain. That's one way of doing that. Yeah. With a spin kick. One of my patents spin kicks. Oh, I didn't realize there was none of your patents at Lady Godwin's spin kick. He's going to kick the ghost right out of him. Let's see. Yeah, a 12 probably doesn't kick the ghost. No, yeah, it does not kick the ghost. All right. Well, thanks for the... Winnie the Pooh, you are... Which one did Raph go into? Raph went into Hamlet. I'm going to activate Rage, by the way, as a bonus section. I walk over to him and I say, I don't really know why I know how to do this, but pray with me. And I'll put hands on him. I'm going to cast Dispel Magic to try to free him from whatever kind of control spell he may be under at this precise moment. And I'm going to do that right this moment. 19 plus my spellcasting modifier, which is considerable, which is A plus 4. So 23. So he is still possessed, but he is now in control of himself and he sees laertes with this sword drawn on him. And he is going to panic and run away. He's right there. Bye, Hamlet. Hey, can you get your groove back while you're over there and save us all a lot of time? Oh, we're going in. Has he been stabbed already? No, he's just got a cramp. Yeah. Was that what I sounded like? Yeah. I thought he'd been stabbed. Sorry, that was hand placed and I'll try it again. Oh, we're good. Okay, good. Okay. Dad, you are a follow cast levitate. Fuck yeah. On the air teams. What what's what situation can't be improved by floating? And just shooting right up the ceiling. I'm going to do the same thing I've done about seven times now and ask you what I need to do or what you need to do to make that happen. Just cast it. One creature loose object of your choice. You can see within range rises vertically up to 20 feet and remains suspended there for the duration. He just looks at it. Institution saving. Thank you very much. So welcome Travis. I've got your fucking back man. That's an eight. Yeah. Didn't do it. Look at you. Nice dude. So Layertes is floating. Cool. Yep. Try killing him now. You're up. And the what breaks that done. It is that it can nothing. It's permanent. It's for the duration. Now he can just sort of fly a little bit. Is Layertes up at first. Thank you. Now he can push and pull himself around like in zero G given him flight powers. No he can kind of fly. He's just like Layertes from him but he can fly. And then when the spells are over he gently floats to the ground. So he that made him fly. Okay. He made him go up first a little bit and that must have been so scary and think about that. But he's going to have to push off something. He's going to look like a real dipshit. I mean he tries to eat a fruit pouch. It's just going to fly everywhere. You know what I mean? No luck. This may be the adventure zone but we do have the laws of physics. Good luck. Pissing Layertes. Thank you. Got a special suit or something. So the skeletons all move forward. I forgot about you. Yeah. And one of them gives Layertes a push and he goes. How tall is your skeleton? 20 feet fucking tall Clint. No come on. 20 feet. The six skeletons stack up to form one 20 foot tall skeleton. Quit helping him. Sorry. It's just such a kick ass idea. How long does the duration of Levitate last? 20 minutes. 10 minutes. Okay. And the skeleton is going to get up on the bench and try to jump up and grab Layertes foot. That's a nat one. He does not. He does not do that and in fact slips off the bench and falls prone. Nice work bone head. He starts crying. I'm so sorry. Hamlet has run away. Layertes is still floating. Okay great. That brings us back up to the top. Justin you are up. Do you want me because I'm a kind of benevolent GM to point out one of the scenic changes when the ghost split into the demons? A thing happened. What happened Travis? The candelabras sprung into purple flames. We got to do something with those man. I made more purple flames in here like a real asshole. So do the opposite of what I did. We okay. Well let me ask you this Travis. When I did all that business with my chains and my throwing my axes did it happen to accidentally knock any of them out? Let me roll a perception check to see if it did. 18. Hachi. You see that it didn't. Well I wasn't trying to like cheat. I was just trying to get a little information because I don't want to just like in my day to day life I would never start blowing out purple candles hoping that it did something. It did not blow them out but it did. I'll say this. So on each candelabra there are three candles. The axe clipped one of them and extinguished one of the three on the one closest to the chain. Right. And when that happened Rath, no vengeance who was occupying Liertes you saw like one of his knees buckle for just a second. Like he was weakened for just a moment and then kept going. This one right here upper left the wall sconce there. I'm going to throw a big jug of water at it. He has a big jug of water. It's a water. Lady Godwin's all about that hydration line. She takes her Stanley out and throws it. It's a water skin. I have it with a torch in a tinder box. I got all this great shit. Athletics. Throw in. I think it's an attack roll. I mean I guess it would be a water jug. It's a water jug. Okay. Well 18 plus six. Yeah. That's yeah. Okay. Candle doesn't have a lot of AC. So what happens if I'm so down this one up here. This is extinguished. What happens with with our friends. The red. You're lost in the fucking sauce bro. I'm going to 20. He's got you in its web man. I can find it. Hold on. Delete. Nice. When is it extinguished? You see that wrath in Hamlet. You see him. He like takes a seat with the spell magic. Romy a d20 luck check. 18. 18. Yeah. So Hamlet is still in control but even more so now like he's a lot calmer. He's regained like speech. What you say you're getting your groove back. His hips wiggle in a very groove. Now we're talking. Yeah. Quick. Check his pockets for THC honey. I check his pockets for THC. It's not my turn. He gives you some THC honey. It is your turn. For him. Gosh. It feels a lot like I'm being pressured to try drugs. No you don't have to. You check. You check my pockets for it. No, no. If you're going to twist my arm. No you don't have to at all. It's for him to calm him down. If he has the drugs maybe he'll be calm enough to wear. No. It's too late. Winnie the boogie. You don't have to call the drugs. I look around and I look at wrath and the other one. I say you call this drama. You think you've made a great dramatic work. I was in Kingdom Hearts. And then I look around the room. I want to make sure Ophelia is not in. Is Ophelia in here? No. I say she is in there but she's on the raised platform. Okay great. I cast tidal wave. I conjure a wave of water that crashes down on an area within range. Each creature within that area must make a dexterity saving throw. Sorry everyone. The water then spreads out across the ground in all directions. It extinguishes unprotected flames in its area and then vanishes. Yes. Excellent. How big is the wave? 30 feet long and 10 feet wide and 10 feet tall. Okay great. Before we extinguish the thing, Griffin make a d20 luck check. If you get over 11 or higher, then your enemies have disadvantage and your friends have advantage on their dexterity saving throw. What if it's the opposite? What if I got half an 11? So the determination is how the THC honey affected you with that vomit. Oh shoot. Okay so it was very much like, I'll take Kingdom Hearts Splash. And I fuck up all my friends to death. Your friends have disadvantage on their dexterity saving throw and the enemies have advantage. Oh no! Sephiroth! What? I rolled a two with disadvantage. I could call Sephiroth right now if I wanted to. I got a five with disadvantage. I don't know if I got myself but it feels like I should. That rolled a six. All of your enemies saved. What? And all of your friends failed? No! But the candles. But I look over at Hamlet and I say, Surf it! Not one. But he is currently an enemy. Hold on. Okay. That was a 19. All right. He surfs it. His groove must be out of focus. He's surfing it on a skeleton and it rules. He's found his emo party groove. Whoa! Yeah man. I didn't even know that existed. What about the candles? They're extinguished. Oh thank god. And you see the ghosts and the demon pulled out of Leiaertie's and Hamlet and now they're very very little. Little guys. I mean little more than us? Yeah. Even littler than you. Standing at your feet. What do you do? Yeah. Give it a second. Perfect! I would like to go one show without the audience screaming, stick on them at us. I hope whoever is sitting next to you is still slowly turning towards you. I hope they didn't rush it. Peter Philo reaches down, plucks them both up and slams them into his test tubes and seals them. Yeah he does. You have captured the demon wrath and the spirit of vengeance. That's canonical. That's canon. Open up any copy of Hamlet tonight. It'll be what we did on stage here. And Hamlet and Leiaertie's shake it off and immediately hug and then do their secret handshake and it's super cool. And everybody has lived. Are they mad though about the big wave? Because I feel embarrassed. We should probably go. Both before we do. You guys are going to help clean up right? Oh yeah for sure. I have on my list a mess kit so I'd be happy to help. I have an observation to make before we leave. Not helpful but go on. I've got these two tubes with demons in them and I've decided this is Tube A and this... Get ready to walk off stage. No get ready to fucking walk off stage man. Is Tube B. Thank you all so much for being here. Maximum Fun. A work-grown network of artist-owned shows.