077. Doug Stanhope, Ron Bennington, Tony Hinchcliffe | Late Night

Before we start today's show, we want to remind you that we have incredible merch over at story wars merch dot com. Not only do we got T-shirts, not only do we got hoodies, but we just added beanies for the winter, guys. So get them this winter. It's going to be a very limited time where you can get story wars beanies. Just go to story wars merch dot com. All right, let's start the show. Fill her up. You're listening to the Gas Digital Network. Gag Fest New Orleans. Who's ready for Story Wars? With the Story Warriors, Big Jay Oakerson and Louis Jay Gomez. What the fuck is up? Story Warriors. Welcome to Story Wars. Skank Fest, our number two show. Make some fucking noise in the air, please. We are packed in the big room. Packed to the gills. This is it. Packed up in that big room. Jay, you're supposed to be on this side. Oh, right. I always forget that for some reason. I do Legion of Skank seating. I'm Big Jokers, and this, of course, the Puerto Rican rattlesnake, Luis J. Gomez, Papa Shango. Papa J. Shango. Papa J. Shango. That hat's not comfortable at all. I know. No, it's actually not bad. Feel it. No. I have hair, you fucking weirdo. I assume most of you guys were here for the first Skankfest Story Wars work. Get your hand off of me. Where I reigned supreme victorious. Felt good. I don't think it should count because it was only streamed on Veeps. What? I feel like because it was only streamed on veeps and it's not a real episode that goes out to all the No, is that true? Yeah, so I don't know if I should count for your record. I look I don't make up the rules I literally make up the rules Fuck you and fuck this pussy. He sucks at the game. I'm gonna butt fuck him tonight I'm this stage at Skankfest. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. You know what? Shut it down. Shut it down Shut the whole fucking festival down. The show's over. Veep, shut the cameras off. Man, don't you wish there was like a big old power switch in the back door for a second again? This gang fest is over. We're having it for Chris Rogers one more time, working on that fucking picture of Dane Cook. Who is that a picture of? Dane Cook. It's Tim Dillon. Tim Dillon, who canceled on the festival. Yeah, yeah. He's gonna do a big circle slash over his face when he's done. You're just trying to make money, you piece of shit. You're just trying to sell paintings to people that aren't even here. You piece of shit. Let's get our esteemed panel up here. What are you saying? Well, you know what? God damn, dude. I'm so fucking high. How many people here are familiar with the game Story Wars? They're all familiar, Jay. They're all familiar. Technicality. Who is not familiar with Story Wars? Yeah. Fuck you. It would be funny if there was just one person who was like, actually, this is what I missed with me. We'll get it explained once we get our panel up here. Who's over there first, Louis? Point to someone. I think. Okay. Ooh, very fun. A radio legend, everyone. You've seen him do the Unmasked earlier with Dave Smith. Very, very exciting. You know him from the show Bennington on Sirius XM 103. He's the best ever doing, everyone. and make some noise for the hilarious Ron Bennington! Ron Bennington, returning Story Warrior. You have a one-win under your belt. How does that feel? 1-0. They call me the king of New York. That's where I won it, picked up the strap. but I can't stay late tonight so I'd like to get my questions up front. First two questions and then I gotta go. Okay, well we'll see what we can do about that. Your next competitor coming to the stage, also a former Story Wars champion. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the one and only Tony Hinchcliffe. There's one guy in the front row alone is hilarious. There's like seven people who really think you're gay. Don't worry, there's like 2,400 others that don't. it's good to be here everybody thank you very much you are graced with my presence thank you for doing the festival I mean year after year after year I think eight years in a row now you've done the festival I'm a man of the people I believe in the streets the peasants, the lowlifes that's why I do it that's why you don't hook up with chicks you belong to the people man And you can't share with somebody else. I'm a man of the people. Of the motherfucking people. And I'm proud to be representing the gays here tonight. Thank you very much. Thank you. Everyone is equal. Last but not least, our final contestant. Making his Story Wars debut. Got his work cut out for him. Going against two returning Story Warriors. He is a living legend, everyone. His special discount meet available on YouTube right now. He's currently on tour. Make some noise. For Doug. Stan Hope. That's me. Old school football just setting the after a touchdown. I just set the ball down. I don't do a celebration dance. Doug, welcome and thank you so much for being a part of Story. Wars, your first time here. Yes. I will, now that we have everybody in their seats, explain the game one more time for the people at home, I guess, who don't know what's happening here. Everybody on this panel, all five of us, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject. Tonight's subject? Late night. Woo! Alex, our lovely producer, is going to take eight of those stories and read them off one at a time. It will appear up here on the screen. If it's your story, you're the only person who knows that. It's your job to fool everybody that it's not your story. If it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is. Every time you guess the story correctly, you get two points. Every time you fool a person on the panel, you get one point. So when it's your story, you have the opportunity to get four points. That's the most points you could get. Once you write your answer on the dry erase board, put the dry erase board in the slot right here. That is your final answer. Classic. Can't change it, right? And I'll tell you right now, this game is a lot of fun. It's a ton of fun, guys. We're going to have so much fun tonight in Story Wars, but we don't play for fun. Jay, let him know what we're playing for. I didn't know there was math and writing. But it's all for something, Doug. You'll just tell me if I have points. Yeah, we got it. You're going to get into this, buddy, because if you win, you get to take home the happiest baby on the block by Dr. Harvey Karp. Wow. Oh. All right. Let me add to that, because I did watch one episode of this in preparation, because I do that kind of due diligence when it's a very important show like this, and I brought another prize. I just got from the Comedy Zone in Jacksonville, Florida. They had this in their... It's a signed John Reap table tent, an autographed John Reap. So you can put that, the winner gets the John Reap. I go, you get a John Reap in your showcase of the legends that have played the Comedy Zone. John Reap is going to be headlining the Knickknack Theater tomorrow. Well, I know you... You better not put that fucking little baby book next to that John Reap poster. Oh, yeah, right, shit. It's not gonna be the happiest baby on the block for long Well it starts with the ideas let him go down on it it starts with the idea Is the unhappiest baby on the block it starts with the idea that newborns need more support than most people realize Dr. Harvey Karp himself describes the fourth trimester a period when babies are still Adjusting to the world and rely heavily on soothing the book explains how understanding the stage can make early parenting much smoother Happiest baby on the block being fucked by John Reed. Somebody goes home with that. Wow. I think we've all got it. Everyone's pumped. Ladies and gentlemen, SkankFast NOLA, are you ready for war? Packed. I think of it more as a friendly competition. No. Is this crowd ready for war? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Pew, pew, pew, pew. Oh, you shot me in the tummy. I'm dying. An Asian person died. What say you, Eddie Pepitone? Yeah, I have flat feet. Eddie was last night. Yeah, and I think he passed away. Oh, we'll mourn him after. Someone's going to die in this festival. I said it yesterday. Three have already died. We've just kept it quiet. Alex! Story number one! Story number one. I once threw a full kitchen garbage bag off the fourth floor balcony of a downtown Airbnb. Always work backwards from Lewis. You're too old to have been in an Airbnb. When you were in your garbage throwing days. I got John Reed. John Reed. Legendary story. This is not Ron Bennington, I agree. You would hire someone to take out your garbage? Yeah, I have people for that. Yes. What if it was just Tony throwing Puerto Ricans off the fucking balcony? That is what I call a bag of Puerto Ricans. I call it a garbage. One threw an entire bag of Puerto Ricans off my roof. I think my Puerto Ricans bagged. So, I mean, I'll give a little analysis here. I agree. I don't see this being Ron nor Doug. I think they're hotel people. But are they partiers? No, I think this stinks coming from down here. I think Big Jay just looked away real quick when I made eye contact with him. These guys, Story Wars masters, They don't have a great poker face. I think that, I'm thinking Big J on this. I've never gotten a downtown Airbnb anywhere. Well, let me say this. I don't think, initially I was like, that's not Big J. This is somebody who's drunk, gets fucked up, throws it off the balcony. But this person could be just lazy. That's what I thought right away was lazy. Trying to hit the dumpster outside of their window. I immediately thought lazy, and I would do that. But I've never gotten a downtown Airbnb, I don't know what that means. You get an Airbnb when you go somewhere away. What are you talking about? That's such a weird line that you're drawing. Now I'm thinking it's you. Maybe. Maybe it is. But if it was somebody just throwing the garbage bag out of the window to be an asshole, I think it's Doug. I do think it might be Doug. It does sound like me. Stop saying my name, sir. I feel like you threw it and then said something profound. Tony told me ahead of time I made my stories sound like they're going to be Doug's yeah but that doesn't sound like me so I'm waiting for the one that sounds like me I shouldn't have said anything this could be Lewis my stories I thought like oh wait fuck I can't I can't say I shouldn't anyway I'm not going to give it away But yeah, it made mine sound too much like me. This could be Lewis for sure. Yeah, I'm thinking this almost sounds too Lewis to be Lewis. I think Lewis wouldn't send this in because he'd be like, oh, man, that sounds like all the dough. Lewis is writing me, so I'm writing Lewis. That's just how I roll. I think this is Big Jay Oakerson. Don't let him deter you and think that. I wouldn't do this. I'm not this kind of person. Ron Bennington having no respect for me. I've done on masks. Lewis, I think you were trying to express the shit. I love that lack of respect. Lewis with an O. Fuck yeah. You're American, dude. Get used to it. Do it the right way. Tony. Oh. Me. Doug, you can't. You did not explain the show to him? It's okay that he did it now because everyone's already voted. But Doug, don't. How did you explain it? You explained it to Papa Chaco. That's not the right way to do it? I should have had my accountant here. Or my lawyer. I don't know. You just gotta... You gotta vote for somebody else, even if it's you. But I get it right. It's me. Isn't that right? Isn't that how you do it? I don't have a strong argument against that. That was the best logic I've ever heard. Well, he twisted my brain into a knot. I got nothing for that. We were tripping our balls off. Technically, it wasn't an Airbnb, but it was before... It was a rental like an Airbnb in London. And me and Glen Wohl and Bingo were off our fucking tits, and they're very particular about their trash over in London, and we're on this fucking balcony of the fourth floor, and we just, fuck, taking this downstairs, and we hurled it into... We could have killed people. Like, when you hear this story about the kids that threw cinder blocks over the overpass, and, you know, that could have been us that killed someone. And we laughed, but in that bad laugh way. like when a mob is beating a bag lady to death and stomping her, like cackling laughter. Ah! We've all been there. Great story from Doug Stanhope. Alex, where are our points at? Did I win? Yeah, you're the winner. On the scoreboard, in the lead, with four points, Doug Stanhope. Yeah! One story down, Alex. Story number two. Story number two. While staying in a friend's backyard tent as a kid, we went peeping into a girl's window at 2 a.m. Her dad saw us and beat his daughter because he thought she had sex with us. Can you repeat the story? I missed the middle parts. What? His dad, what? While staying in a friend's backyard? I got it, Alex. Thank you. I guess my posture after last night has turned me into Brad Williams. I don't know. While staying in a friend's backyard. Her dad saw us and beat his daughter because, oh. I mean, god damn it It could be Louis, but this also could be Ron So we I mean, we did have a girl that we would Peep into her window all the time And her dad was like crazy He would like chase us He would catch us and chase us out of the yard I don't think he ever beat her because of it I'm doing right what you're doing I had his shit too ready Tony voting early Wasting a vote Tony, why do you think it's me? because you had a fucking story. Yeah, you have a little disclaimer thing prepared, and the more episodes of this you guys do, the more that you give away. It's like poker, again. It's like when someone seems like they have a hand, they don't. If they act like they don't, then they do, and you are acting like you don't. Can you explain to me what poker is in a more slow and boring way? It's actually one of my stories. Well, you see, first you catch the river. It's coming up at eight seconds. And one time when playing poker, I made it look like I did in Top of Hand. Ronnie B., you're off the quiet over there, bud. Well, I'm still trying to figure out why Lewis was so excited about this. And I remember the last time we played, that I played with you guys, Lewis liked to hear his stories the most. And he really did have a good laugh at that. Every time I like Lewis, it's like, this is a great fucking story. This is a great story. It was Lewis. You're not wrong about that. Yeah. Ah, shit. So I really, I don't know people. I can't read people. But I do know when someone's happy when they hear their own story. It's fucking Lewis. Listen to me. I will tell you right now, it's not my story. You're wasting your vote. Big J, I think, is jumping on because I do think it's Big J's story. Again, I'm going to vote for you. I changed my vote immediately. I noticed that Doug didn't write down Doug, so I'm not picking him. two people writing my name on their boards that's fine is this early balloting yeah it's early balloting we want to make sure i went with you because tent right you're the only guy old enough to have fucking been hanging around in tents yeah yeah that's what i'm feeling 16 year old Peeping. I didn't think about the tent part. A friend's tent? But tents still fucking exist? I've literally never hung out in a friend's tent. It wasn't a cave. It was a tent. Oh, that's right. Big J's never been in a friend's backyard tent. There's no way. No, I'm going to sleep in some tent. Doug Sanhop has convinced me that it is Ron Benny. I need AC. I think it is Ronnie B. Alex, all five answers are in. Story number two belongs to Ron Bennington. Yeah! Bam! Stan Hope is a master detective. He's fucking unbelievable. He put the clues together and solved it. I think you're being a little bit I think you're blowing smoke up my ass so I'm going to put you down in the blind I'm going to put Ron for the next one no I'm not doing that that'll teach me but yeah it was a suburban thing is why I thought maybe I'd fucking give it away with that but we did go down to see this girl we were only like 12 and she was the first she was a fat girl so she was the first girl to have fucking tits in our uh in our neighborhood so we all went down and looked in the window and when we did because we knew she was babysitting a fucking car pulls up and it's her mom and dad and we're just staring at them like two in the morning and when we're 12 and then we said to the dad hey when does football tryout start because he was involved in football. We fucking thought we got away with it. And then he fucked her up. He beat the shit out of her pretty bad. It was a different day and age. It was a different day and age. It was a different time. Where a person could be beat. Tense were all the rage. Yes. And we went out and stole milk cartons. But the beautiful thing about that is I think we all got a big kick out of it as the years went by. You know what I mean? We could laugh about it. Sure, later, yeah. Yeah, glory days. Sure. Oh, they pass you by. Hey, do you have one of those cigarettes? I have some right in my pocket, but I didn't sell out Times Square, so I'm gonna take all your fucking cigarettes. Time Square isn't a venue. That's an area. You're thinking of Madison Square Garden. Yeah, Madison Square Terrarium. I don't fucking care. I sold a fucking 80-seater in Charleston, South Carolina, and then got beat up by a gay man. That's the next story. Oh, shit. That was late at night. Alex, we have two stories down. What is our point spread? All right. In last place with zero points, Tony Hinchcliffe. Can I get an ISO on that? In fourth place with one point, Ron Bennington. Yes. Tied for second place with two points each, Louis J. Gomez and Big J. Oakerson. And Turkey. And Turkey And in the lead with six points Doug Stanhope The investigator Thank you. Oh boy. I respectfully say thank you. I don't need your adulation yet. Story number three. Story number three. I like to find unanswered fan emails from years ago and call them in the middle of the night. No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Doug said that Tony was going to write stories to sound like Doug. This could be Tony. or it could 100% without a doubt undoubtedly be Doug. No, it's Doug. But is it somebody being Doug or Doug? Is it someone Doug and out? Doug and out. The new podcast on Gas Digital. Is insider trading illegal? Like the NBA? Like if I... No, it's all above board here. Yeah, right. Story Wars has loose rules. uh this i mean tony is this you playing playing the game right now talk to me here let's read tony's reaction a little bit well gentle gentle so far he's good he's got a good poker face it is an interesting uh thing right because it says emails it doesn't say messages it doesn't say dms or anything So I think this leaves us with... Let me deconstruct it. We all say Ron's been a radio legend for a long time now. A lot of emails from fans over the years. Yeah, but they're all really old now. But hang on. It says, how do you call an email? It says emails from years ago and call them. You have callers. He's good. You have fucking callers. That's right, I know. The seventh caller. He's probably waiting for the seventh caller from his last fucking terrestrial radio. He's right. In order to call Ron, you have to be the seventh caller. He only answers the seventh call. And the seventh caller is my Coke dealer. He gets the tickets. You just got tickets to my house as fast as humanly fucking possible. I'm going. I get it. I'll go on Ron. Tony, what's going on here? You're being a little quiet. You're being a little coy. I feel like I'm seeing you try to not change your face. I feel like all of the muscles in your face are trying to hold it together right now. There he goes. That's Bojox. Yeah. Tony's got an evil grin. Oh, man. It's an interesting one. It is, Doug has a great point. How can you call an email? Oh, shit. Wait, the bonfire... From a tent? The bonfire gets emails. Bonfire gets emails? Sure. Sure. They do. Not from years ago. I'm getting the voting going. Tony Hinchcliffe is my answer. I'm going wrong. Damn it, now I think it's Doug. Why are you staring at my board so hard? Please, write me, Jay. I want you to write me, you fucking idiot. So you could lose. Imagine Jay won all the Story Wars episodes. That's gang fest. Have fun with that, babe. I lost the first one already. Good. I'm glad your ego is doing this. I'm glad your ego is doing it. Idiot. Idiot. You just gave up points. Now I'm ahead of you because it's Tony. Alex? Story number three belongs to Doug Stanhope. The fans were yelling at me that I fucking drunk emailed and called from fucking 15 years ago. They were yelling it out when the question got answered. I'm like, oh, well, that gave away the... No, it didn't. No. No. I still bluffed you out of it. Doug is walking through this game. He's crushing. Like Mr. Magoo. He's done everything wrong. I'm doing it for John Reap. Free John Reap. Free John Reap. Free John Reap. Free John Reap. Free John Reap. He's not going to do it again. Yeah, dude, no way. He's learned his lesson. For sure, dude. You get caught, you lose everything, you know he's jumping right back on that horse. Oh, immediately. By the way, I love how creepy you guys think I am. Like me calling people in the middle of the night It's creepy. Doug doing it's cool as fuck. Yeah, that's true. But at the time, on my email from those days, my contact page had put your phone number in. So that's why they'd be like 15 years ago, and they'd be like, hey, I ordered a T-shirt, and do you know when it's coming? And I'll call them in the middle of the night and go, hey, I'm just making sure you get that T-shirt. I live in a small town, so I have dial-ups still. I get my email. I just got this. Yeah, like him doing it. I'm all about customer service. Sorry, just saw this. Him doing it's cool. Me calling somebody and being like, are you sleeping right now? Is a common occurrence. Your day has been made. Are you nestled under the covers? Unbelievable. You probably feel pretty safe right now. That's how vain you are. you can do an impression of yourself. I didn't know it until other people started doing it. It's an impression of Shane and Adam's impression of me. We're really doing it, Stan Hope. Alex, where are our points at? Oh, shit. Oh, hey. Remember Alex from before? Alex, pass out on your kratom. In last place with one point, Ron Bennington. In the game. In the game. You deserve better. I know. Tied for second place with two points each, Louis J. Gomez, Big J. Oakerson, and Tony Hinchcliffe. Here we go. And in the lead with nine points, Doug Stanhope. Peace! Peace! I'm doing it for the troops. Doug has pulled ahead so far. Doug, you are so close to bringing home the happiest baby on the block, which explains how understanding a newborn's basic needs makes the early months much easier. Karp talks about reading a baby's cues, noticing the patterns in their behavior, and creating a calming environment that supports their development. The book shows how small adjustments can make everyday care feel less overwhelming. Use promo code SODOMY to avoid these problems. Doug, you keep this up. You're going to be selling out Times Square in no time. Hell yeah. Corner of 31st and 7th. 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You don't have to spend a wild amount of money on super high. you're not a rapper relax guys okay you want to look good you want to feel good gld has high quality and a wide range of high quality jewelry for both men and women chains pendants rings earrings watches real gold in every piece and meticulously handset zones i gave james um some bling for his neck and he loves it dude he went to school with it the other day everyone's complimenting him on it and you don't gotta worry about somebody murdering you for your crazy expensive gold chain well he thought it was expensive so they did try to kill him luckily for nothing. He was murdered for nothing. They got the anger of the devil. And so he goes, you could just get this for a fair price at GLD.com. GLD.com for 50% off with my father's code wars. And they were like, shut up. This thing cost $300,000. And then they told him to bite the curb. And he did. He did it. And he loved it. They have collabs with sports leagues and DC Comics, which is great. You can get your own custom piece at the GLD custom shop as well. And a lifetime warranty so it'll be with you truly forever work hard and change the game once again use that promo code w a r z w a r z for 50 off at gld.com all right where were we alex story number four story number four when i was younger i used to jerk off to help me fall asleep One morning, my parent walked in to wake me up for school, and I had my dick in my lotion-covered hand, my shorts around my knees, and a towel on my chest to collect the cum. I feel like this is either Louis or Doug submitted 11 stories. Well, here's the deal. I will say this is very famously my technique. I will lay the towel on my belly, Jizz into the towel, fold the towel over my dick, wrap it up like a burrito, squiggle it out, throw it into the... Sprinkle it out? Squiggle it out, throw it into the hamper. Missed, because I'm not good at sports, but I still try. Only problem is I never had a parent to wake me up for school in the morning. Well, my parent is telling. That's Louis. Well, yeah, I had a mom. And I had a dad, but it was before I went to school he died. Before you could jerk off. That is also true. I was jerking off very young. Yeah, yeah. There's so much detail in this. What? Usually it's like, make it into a sentence with this little fucking... I'm fucking proud of you. I can't believe how good you are in this. Ron would fucking write this out with this much detail. Maybe. And jerking off with lotion. Who doesn't fucking dry jack? I don't. But I don't use lotion. I use coconut oil. Now. Baby oil. Coconut oil. The smell of baby oil will give me the random boner I could ever get anymore. The lotion. Lotion. It feels weird. It feels like my dick is burning. I'm going wrong. I'm trying to talk through it, but it doesn't matter. This is younger. When I was younger, I'd jerk off. You talk it out like fucking L.A. Confidential or whatever. The crime fucking busters. why is this fucking thing leave it off cause your hands are covered in Doug couldn't get the cap off cause his hands are covered in lotion ah they're low odor dry erasers Louis tell me this isn't you it's not me my mom caught me jerking off one time it was when I was like 11 I was on my couch She walked in, my pants were down around my ankles. She didn't say anything. Please, waste your vote. Waste your vote. I will. Yeah, I would just not waste your vote. I'm going Ron still. I'm staying with Ron. This could be Ron writing a very me or Louis story. It's a lot of words, meaning it could be Jay as well. Parent means it was probably a father Because Alex wrote it that way Because she couldn't say dad You think my father was there to wake me up for school? When I was jerking off? You lived with him for like a year, right? Is it father in there? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah Oh, shit, he just said father And there's no father in there No, he was saying He's assuming it's a father Oh, sorry Oh, Louis is saying me Boom Big J O'Kershaw is my answer Don't worry, everybody We're golden Alex, everybody's in Rip it off I really want Can I change my fucking vote? No No, Doug It's Hinchcliffe No, no It's fucking Hinchcliffe Doug No You can't change You can't change Once it's locked in They hate it They love you This is how seriously they take it It was Ron Can I change my vote? No No Bite your hand Can I change Doug? Nobody can change any votes, yeah. Dogs vote's been changed to nothing. Alex, all of our answers are in. All right. Story number four belongs to... Wait, who was it? Tony Hinchcliffe. Tony Hinchcliffe. Fuck. Look at that slimy hand. I don't like the rules. That's five points, Alex. This is like the tush push. There needs to be a rule change. I should be able to change it at the last minute before they announce. And by the way, just to let you know, I had to edit the hell out of that to make it that short. The reality is that the bottle of lotion, which is normally, was normally nestled into a drawer, was a secret bottle of lotion that I had so that my mom never caught on to what I was doing, was next to the bed stand. So it was just absolute guilt and filth. It was men's body lotion, but you thought it was a man's body? No, he used it for his face for so many years before he goes, oh, I can put this on my dick. Yeah. That's why they both glow. I got caught. She literally walked in and goes, oh, Jesus fucking Christ, Tony. It was one of those where you're just waking up in pure shame. Well, did she make breakfast still? No. Oh. No, I went to school hungry that day. Starving. And I remain that way. At halftime now, what are our scores, Alex? All right, on the scoreboard, in last place with one point, Ron Bennington. Still in the game. Still in the game. Still in it. It's a long way to go. It's bad. It's bad. Tied for third place with two points each, Louis J. Gomez and Big J. Oakerson. In second place, with six points, Tony Hinchcliffe. Wow. Big jump. Tony catch it up. Tony catch it up. And in the lead with nine points, Doug Stanhope. And it was almost ten. He tried to change it to me at the last second. I would have fucking, yes. I'm not going to give away my fucking... Yes. I have a system. Who's the Japanese L.A. Dodger? What's that guy's name? At halftime, is there a way I could get a bedpan or a catheter? Because I really have to piss. We do plugs real quick. Why don't you run and piss while we're doing plugs? I want to do the plugs, though. You do your plugs. You plug first. What? You plug first. No, I thought you meant like a sponsor. No. Ask for mattresses. Use promo code STANHOPE no matter what they say while I'm pissing. Is it just the pissers right there? All right, I got it. Don't let them fucking cheat while I'm away. The great Doug Stantop, go and take a piss. You're going to need more cigarettes. Ron Bennington, what can you plug, my friend? I have nothing to plug. Nothing. Nothing. That's when you know people don't respect your show, but they're like, nah, I don't even want your bump. We're good. I got one fucking point. Can I just say this about Tony's thing, because I'm thinking about it now? Was that a late night story or an early morning story? When his dad walked in. That is a good point. Now that I think about it, it kind of is. But it was the, it was, I, again, I had to edit it down. It started off as many, many jerk offs back then. This is like when I found out about it. This is like when you learn you can jerk off. You can go four, five, six times. Well, Tony, what are you plugging, my friend? Kill Tony. It's a show that I do every Monday. Yeah, just go watch Kill Tony. Tell your friends about it. Verbally, tell your friends about it. Oh, yeah, Big J Okerson. BigJComedy.com for all my dates. I'll be coming to a city near you on a Peter North American tour coming on a city near you if you get it you get it I go everywhere so come see me please doing some live streams on YouTube now make sure you start following those when I start doing them consistently and then Bonfire Faction Talk Series XM 103 with me and the great Robert Kelly five days a week Faction Talk Series XM 103 and of course The Legion of Skanks the flagship show right over here guest is your network Guys, come see me on the road. I'll be going everywhere this year. Brand new tour, brand new material. Go to lewisofskanks.com to grab those tickets. Make sure you check out all the other podcasts that I do. Legion of Skanks, The Regs, and my solo podcast, The Lewis Journal Podcast. That's right, all my journal maniacs. Make sure you subscribe on my mailing list. Have a special. Oh yeah, check out my brand new special. You're making this worse. It's available on YouTube and everywhere else you find specials. Really nowhere else. And make sure you guys go subscribe to Gas Digital. If you love the show, you get a pre-release of the episode, uncensored and ad-free versions of all of our shows, and an on-demand library that's not available anywhere else in the entire world. Use the promo code WAR. Save a couple bucks a month. And welcome back to the show, Doug Sanhope. Doug Sanhope. Fastest prostate in the West. Doug, you came back at a great time. This is where we tell you that you're not safe in this game. It feels like you've pulled up a big lead, but things change for the final four stories because as the people here know... You won't possibly. Yeah. No. Yeah. We go double points. Double points! Double points! It is still anybody's game because before, if you fooled somebody, you got one point. And if you guessed somebody correctly, you got two points. But that now bumps up to double points. Oh, my God. You're so crazy, you're practically giving this game away. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that guy blind? The guy with the glasses on the stick? Yeah, there's a lot of blind people here. Those guys really catch wind quick. A lot of... Oh, my Christ. Whoa. You almost tripped on your cape. Wow. Gently. Those are very, very profitable double points. Oh. You were saying, Tony? Is the first question just single points? Okay. That's coming from a guy who clips coupons. Oh, we are into our second half. Let's get it started. Alexandra, story number five. Story number five I wrecked a friend's car while he was asleep in the passenger seat because I was asleep in the driver's seat Annie Letterman Just name dropping a friend John Reap Oh and by the way not every small blonde girl is Rosebud Baker. I've said hello to Rosebud Baker three times before I got the right Rosebud Baker. All right, there's just something to... But, yeah, that's... Ron. Yeah. You had a tumultuous past. You had a checkered past. A lot of drinking and drugging back in the day That doesn make you a bad person It makes you a bad driver Yeah it makes you a bad driver There no doubt about it But it was a different day and age It was a different time. We weren't so woke. We fucking drove home drunk. You know why? We had a can-do attitude. We believed in ourselves and we believed in the United States of America. You're filthy fucking pigs, every one of you in every seat. That's how you get them on your side, right? It's true. Being patriotic works. Ryan, that was beautiful. Everything that just happened was very beautiful. but I still think that this is you. Convince me that it's not you. Look, if you want to believe that it's me, I'd be proud to be the person in this story. I'd be proud to be the person who would drive a friend home. No matter what condition I was in. Why? Because I believe in myself. I believe in my country. and I believe in Jesus Christ in heaven. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. All right, it's Ron. You can make this single points. I don't give a shit. I'm going to say this because as much tenure as you might have as comics, I don't think you really did fucking road work. Like driving the road to be that tired to fall asleep. Oh, yeah. You went to Harrisburg once. I did. And then came home the same night. You don't know. I think it's Ron has to be the only guy. Oh, I was writing Ron. I thought he was fucking out of Ron. But I'm not going to give away. it's got to be one of them too because the fucking odds are, Tony, this is, it hasn't been them. I agree. I've never heard Louis more quiet in my life. And I agree with you. You know, the upper... Oh, and he's got a kid. You don't have kids. I do. He's got a... You do? Ugh, God damn it. I followed Alex on Instagram today because she's hot. And then I saw her with a kid and I'm like, ugh. Gross, right? I know. We all think that. It's with Harrington, too. But you have older kids than him. No, you're getting it all wrong. I don't know. Doug knows nothing about us. You all said we've never been on the road. You fucking stole my mother's election. That's what I know about. I'm going to put both of you. He did steal the hottest mom competition from Doug Stato. Big J, it's going to be one of you because the fucking, the numbers go that way. Sure. I'm a prognosticator, I know. Yes. Fucking 0-9 team and fucking baseball is ready to win. Doug votes Big J. Ron votes Doug. Tony Hinchcliffe, last minute, votes for me. Everybody's in. Everyone's in, Alex. Alex, break it off. Story number five belongs to Big Jay Oakerson. Oh! Did I write it? I got it right. I got it right. Doug Stanhope, the investigator, dude. Statistician. Statistician. Wow. Doug Stanhope is the Shohei Otani of this game. I mean, he really, that's great. Is that his name? Kobayashi, if you will? The Joey Chestnuts of Story Wars? Wait, you're the one that can take a lot of hot dogs in the mouth. You set that up on a T-ball for me. Come on. Doug Zanoff, what happened here? Oh, I'm sorry, Big Jay, what am I saying? Me and Keith Robinson driving back from New York one night. I was driving, thank God, his clunker car, and he said he was tired so he got in the car and uh and fell asleep and then shortly after i fell asleep and when i woke up we were all four tires in the air and then we came down sparks and all that shit we pulled off to the side of the road and then uh when he by the way he doesn't notice to this day that i was asleep but what happened was when we got out there was a thing happening Like, by the way, I was driving asleep pretty good. There was a truck tire in the middle of the road. And that wasn't supposed to be there. I would have slept, drove fine for another couple miles, probably. But that truck tire, and we took off over it, and we were in the air. But then Keith got out all freaked out. What did you do? And then we saw other cars hitting it, and I was like, it's just a thing, man. That's happening. And then he said, you know what? It was good press for Tracy Morgan, so I thought... Oh, no. This is 20 years before Tracy Morgan's accident. Yeah, well, you're prescient. Five stories down, Alex. Where are our points? Where do we sit? All right, in last place with one point, Ron Bennington. It should be known the lowest score of all time was two points, so, Ron, you're still in the running. Fuck. Like, just helping us out from the rear is Ron Bennington. You don't have to say last. He's the rear regard of our team. That's right. I'm a positive gentleman. And that's because someone whose name sounds like Kim Kong gave me mushrooms before this fucking show. Oh. And I'm smiling more and more. Your name does rhyme with Kim Kong, didn't you? Oh, Kim. Kill Tony has his own Kill Tony lighter. Yeah, they're free. As I smoke Kill Tony cigarettes. I'm drinking Tony water. They're free. I have a Kill Tony butt plug in my ass right now. Hey, me too. Yeah. They're just prototypes, though. We have them synced up. They vibrate together. Yeah. I sell that at the merch booth, but it's just stolen hotel light bulbs. But I autograph them, right? Every autograph. I'm there for all the people. Alex. In fourth place with two points, Luis J. Gomez. Ooh. It's still possible Luis could end the game tied all time for the lowest score. I could, I could, but I won't because I'm a genius. May I recommend shoving your tail, Tony? I'm going to beat you so bad you're going to have fucking tears running down that makeup like gagging porn. Oh. I'm trying to talk shit. I'm not good at it. I love you, Doug. What is your problem? I'm trying to talk shit. I'm not good at it. Spirit of the game, Louis. Don't puss out. This game divides us. I'm a very nice person. Spirit of the game. Alex. In third place with six points, Tony Hinchcliffe. My nemesis. In second place with eight points, Big Jay Oakerson. Oh, wait. How did he creep up on you? We can believe. He's ahead of me because of double points. And in the lead with 13 points, Doug Stanhope. Are these points transferable to cryptocurrency? I don't know. We're working on it. Louis is working on it. Sandhub still with a sizable lead. Alex, story number six. Story number six. I once did cocaine I bought from a man on the street at 3 a.m. It didn't even look like cocaine. It looked like table salt. I then made the painful mistake of trying it anyway. I'm, I'm, listen to me. A couple things. Number one, we all have this story. Not me, dude. Not me. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Everyone has this exact story. This is just, it's who submitted this story. You know for sure this isn't my story. Yeah, if everyone had this exact same story, you would have told it before. You've heard him say that before? No, no. they were talking about like we've been doing this so long it's so hard to have a story that they don't know between each other well can I tell you something I've fucked this up a lot I've talked people out of Lewis being the person a lot so I'm like I would know this story and I've been wrong a lot so don't listen to me on that what we've learned through doing 70 some odd episodes of this podcast is that me and Big Jay have never once ever listened to each other talk that's why we have these terrible trivias When does it count? When can I take this? No, you can't change it. I wish you could. Once I put it in here. Yeah, that's when it counts. All right, good. I'll stay with my answer. I'm following the algorithm. I think, look, Bennington definitely could be. Doug 100% has this story. Tony. Little Tony. Little Tony. Fucking Tony two bags over here. Tony. Tony's been known to party a little bit. I've literally never done cocaine That's not true, that's impossible I've literally never done it I stay awake and hang with everybody I just found out recently That all my friends are on cocaine I had that discovery one year Really? They don't tell you, they don't invite you They don't even ask They tell you when they're getting off What you have to say to them is Oh shit, I have a 10pm show tonight And the guy that offered me cocaine last night where I said, no, if you're in the audience, yeah. And I'm not following a tell. I'll be early on it. Look, I'm going to, I hope I'm not giving this away. I used to sell cocaine at three o'clock in the morning. And when I saw a Puerto Rican, I would just give him salt. No. Puerto Ricans love salt. I feel like this is Ronnie B. This is a dope-ass story from the 70s, early 80s. Yeah, it's definitely casino era. I like it. It sounds badass. It's either Ron or Doug, but I still don't believe Tony's never done cocaine. I do. I mean, would I lie to win this game and get double points? I mean, there might have been... Yes, I would. I mean, Tony's never done cocaine, but there might have been some on that guy's dick still. But he didn't do it. Wait, I thought you were just taking credit for the story. I wait till Alex talks to believe anything. Okay, good. Noted. All of our answers are in Alex. God damn it. Why does every fucking perfect woman have a fucking awful, horrible child? Story number six. Alex is flustered. She's never so complimented and butthurt at the same time. Like, my baby's perfect and beautiful. She's going to leave Harrington and her baby for Doug Stanhope and Bingo. Nothing would make me laugh more than Alex living in a compound in fucking Arizona with Doug. With Doug and Bingo. Alex is fucking meant to be a cult leader's fucking thing, I promise you. Look at her. She looks like a Manson girl. Oh, I think you could probably... There's some spell you can do. We learned this from Voodoo on Bourbon Street. You could do a spell to transfer Alex's soul and... I'm sorry, Bingo's soul and personality to Alex's body. Oh, absolutely. Or you just have them both out there, fucking hula-hooping like a bunch of weirdos. Wearing glasses that don't even make sense to block the sun. Every time you guys make me laugh, my butt plug slips out of my butt a little bit, and I have to push it back down like that, and it feels so fucking good. that's where the male g-spot is Alex all of our answers are in alright it's the loosening that makes you a veteran yeah story number six belongs to Louis J. Gomez the algorithm he hasn't been picked once it's gonna be fucking Louis those wise old dogs in the corner were on to me the whole time Uh, yeah, this was, uh, it was actually in Amsterdam. I bought cocaine from a guy on the street, from some Surinamian guy, and, uh, I remember I told him that I did a book report on Surinam in the fourth grade, and he was, like, offended that I said that. I was like, fuck off, dude, give me the coke. And then he gave me, it wasn't even in a baggie, it was in a piece of paper. A shaker? This little white shaker. He's like, you know what? For 20 bucks, you could have all of it. It was in a white packet. How old were you? I was 22 years old. 22 years old, and it was a folded up piece of paper. And when I unfolded it, it was literally just like little like crystals of like powder. And me and my buddy Gene were like, this doesn't look like cocaine. And then he went, and he went, oh, fuck, it burns. And then I was like, does it? Let me try. And I went, it was like, oh, fuck. And then, yeah, we threw it in the toilet. and that was that. See, that could have been Tony's story where he's like, I never did cocaine. I just did salt. That's true. Oh, yeah. It's true. I'm not going to fall for that again. See, I don't know if I'm doing Fez or the B-52s when I do Tony. Oh, yeah. If you see a faded sign by the side of the road, it's either Fez, God rest his soul, or Tony Hinchcliffe. All right, Alex, where are our points at? In last place with five points. Wow. Helping us out from the back. Helping us out from the back. Yeah, whoa. With five points. You made it sound dirty. Ron Bennington. Hey. Thank you. Not the lowest of all time. Tied for third place with six points each, Louis J. Gomez and Tony Hinchcliffe. In second place with eight points, Big Jay Oakerson. Doug is killing us. And in the lead with 17 points, Doug Stanhope. That's a lot of points. This is the most points I've ever had. Wish my mother was alive to see this. Doug, you can almost smell the happiest baby on the block, which focuses on helping families navigate the most challenging parts of newborn life. It covers common issues like irregular sleep, unpredictable crying, and overstimulation. And it offers practical ways to ease each one. Here's a practical way to ease him. Shake the baby! You just shake it! If that's a colicky baby, you shake the baby! Just shake it till it's fucking... So Alex should leave the baby with Harrington. Okay, okay. Well, maybe I should write my own goddamn book. Two more stories. Skankfest, you having a good time? Everyone watching Home, live on Veebs, to thousands and thousands around the world. You guys are all having a great time. Hey, real quick, let's talk about one of our awesome, awesome sponsors over here at Story Wars, Factor Meals. Factors back. If you have a New Year's resolution and it's to eat better, check out Factor Meals. I have been fucking with Factor Meals for quite some time now. It's funny. They stopped sponsoring the shows for a little while. You signed up and never stopped. I never stopped. So, yeah, it's good. Factors, they have chef-prepared meals that are ready in just two minutes, and they are really, really good. And the options are expanding all the time. They have a wide variety of weekly options. You never get bored. You can get different things for weeks and weeks on end without ever having to repeat it all. Yeah, whatever you want. Like if you have a specific diet, like I do keto all the time. They have keto versions, calorie smart meals, GLP one friendly ones, high protein ones. Just makes it easy to be healthy. Sometimes the choices, you don't know what you're going to do. I'm just constantly eating like just cheese and chicken when I'm doing keto. Factory Meals has delicious meals that I would never in a million years make myself. but they are within my dietary restrictions. So head over to Factormeals.com slash wars50off. That's wars50off. And use code wars50off to get 50% off your first box plus free breakfast for one year. That's factormeals.com slash w-a-r-z-5-0-o-f-f. The offer is only valid for new factor customers with the code and qualifying auto-renewing subscription purchase. make healthier eating easy with factor that's how they got me for the time they weren't sponsoring us i just told you the exact move they the flim flame they pulled on me it's let me tell you i don't regret it for one second they are great they we get every week i have factor meals at some point so make healthy eating easy with factor right now okay story warriors let's take a quick moment and talk about body brain coffee which is a company that i started a little more than a year ago that is taking the world by storm. Yes, it has nootropic mushroom coffee elements, but the big differentiator is the fact that it has Tonka Ali, which has been linked to supporting natural testosterone in healthy men. So if you guys want to naturally support your testosterone, it's a great blend, premium freeze-dried Colombian coffee, plus Tonka Ali, Lion's Mane, Ashwagandha, and L-theanine. People use it as a pre-workout. They use it as their first cup in the morning just to feel good and overall feel energized and vitalized. To me, it's fucking steroids, because what you're doing is You're drinking that shit, and then you're winning every episode, pretty much, of Story Wars. You'll never have a house big enough to hold a bookshelf to get all these books you goddamn have. It really should be a performance-enhancing drug. I shouldn't be able to. You shouldn't be able to have it. Jay, I won't take body-bring coffee in the mornings of Story Wars anymore, because I do believe that it is giving me an unfair advantage. Not only do I have the psychological edge from the lion's mane, but I think the physical edge is getting in your head. You're seeing like just sort of how physically intimidating I am. And I think you can't focus on anything else. Well, you're supposed to be my friend. You're hanging out with my goddamn mortal enemy, Tom Cat Ali. And you know I fucking killed him in Thailand, I thought. People love it. Go to Amazon. Check out the reviews. Check out the reviews on Shopify. People genuinely really, really love it. I love it. I'm supposed to love it, though. Give it a try. See if you like it, too. For a limited time only, use the promo code WAR20, W-A-R-2-0. We're going to give you 20% off your order. We already give you a discount if you subscribe or if you buy a two-pack. So you can apply that same discount to a two-pack or subscription, and it really is incredible. You save a lot of money. You can buy it on Amazon as well. Just make sure you go to BodyBrainCoffee.com. Try it out. See if you dig it. Give it to that man in your life that's looking to be bigger and stronger and faster and smarter. BodyBrainCoffee.com. Promo code WAR20 for 20% off. All right. Where were we? We have two more stories. Alex, story number seven. Story number seven. I saw a severed head one night and didn't remember because I was blacked out drunk. Well. I know who that is. You just pointed at Ron. Throw a dart at somebody. That's clearly this guy. The algorithm... The algorithm. I'll say that's Tony. Austin is a fucking crazy place. It is weird down there. Fucking... Why do I put the cap back on? I mean... I mean... I don't know how to waste any more time here. It's Tony. It's definitely Tony. This could literally be anybody if you ask me. I mean, seeing a severed head would be life-altering. There's an old book joke about a hobo said, oh, I fucked this beautiful blonde last night on the railroad tracks. And he goes, yeah, what'd she look like? He goes, I don't know, she didn't have a head. As Ron slowly votes for Doug. I'll go with Tony. Who are you guys going with over here? I find it all strange. Is it Tony trying to sound like Doug? That was a thing that we heard before. Who are you guys... I noticed you guys stall a little bit. You've been doing this a long time. You guys wait. You see what the other guys want. I feel like if Big J saw Severn Head he would have submitted that for the death episode of Story Wars It would have been all I ever talk about every day at least for a little bit Yeah, well, that was before the severed head. Yeah, Big J's never seen a severed head. That's crazy. No, you understand what I was saying. I was different then, because that was before the severed head. That's when I didn't wake up screaming every fucking 15 minutes. How many stories has Doug had in already? Do we know? Four? Five? See, now you're copying my strategy. I should have never said it out loud. It doesn't matter. Look, they're all randomly pulled, right? So it could be two in a row, three in a row. If you submitted more stories, like, I only had time to submit three stories today. I want to know the behind the scenes, like, how randomly are these drawn? Why don't you ask your sexy girlfriend, Alex, Doug? It's kind of like Kill Tony. Oh, really? The one guy with special needs and missing a fucking eye happens to be one of the 200 people that lined up. and he pleads to his death. Oh, no, it's completely random. If you saw the other 199 people, you'd understand how that guy got pulled. I've been out there signing autographs with them while you're fucking feeding off the backs of the poor. Doug's hand up a man of the people, a true man of the people. No more cigarettes for you, Doug. I quit anyway. I quit. I mean, I'm going to vote for Doug because I got fooled last time when it was a very obviously Doug story. If it's not Doug, you should always go with Doug because he's been right every fucking time almost. It could be Tony. It could be you. Sure. Did you ever hear my one-man show? I haven't slept a wink since. I think it's separate yeah now it's Lewis ooh that's alright boom fuck god damn who'd you say Doug oh he said Lewis that's crazy you said Doug I said Doug yeah alright let's go ooh let's go Alex brawling you flustered bitch read it you have to stay with your family I'm sorry he's imagining the Stanhope life Story number seven belongs to Ron Bennington. Oh, yeah. Whoa. Oh, my God. He cleaned up. Wow. That's huge. By the way, is this single points? Is that all we're doing? Single points? No. No, it's double points. Double points. This is insane. They're sticklers, dude. They're sticklers. That's right, Doug. So, Doug, you have to have won an episode of Story Wars in order to trigger double points. But you're in the lead, so there's a chance. What's that? There's a chance you're going to win tonight, and you could do that at the end. Wait, if you've won before and you say double points, that song plays? Yes, exactly. That is so cool. All right, here's the story. I wake up like 5 o'clock in the afternoon, maybe 6 o'clock in the afternoon, and people in my town used to meet in this parking lot so we could figure out where everybody was going. And I drive up there. I'm, like, ready to have a big Saturday night, and people are fucking just walking like zombies, and girls are crying, and I'm like, what happened? And they go, last night happened. I go, what last night? And then they tell me that, and I had been doing some white crosses, some old trucker speed. If you put that in the clue, we'd go, oh yeah. You would have got me. I was doing some Zoomers and fucking Black Bettys. We came up on a one car accident and a fucking head was in the road. and everybody was freaked out, but I have zero memory of this, and it's haunted them. And then a couple people were mad at me because I said while this was happening, maybe he'll be okay. And I agree with Doug. It's a great line, but I can't take credit for it. I have no idea. Where it came from. I would have sold that head in a merch booth. That's fucking crazy. Yeah. It's not good. Do you get together? Do you have a reunion every year? Do everyone else just freaked out about it? And you're just kind of like, tell me about it again, man. I don't remember. And actually, I mean, it did affect me in a way. I kind of bottomed out. And then I just took 20 more years of drugs and alcohol. Oh, that's good. And I finally said, that's enough. Bucket. Yeah. It's the beginning of the end. Yeah. Wow. Big round for Ron Bennington. A little fun fact is that I ended up grabbing that severed head and it is the newest regular on Kill Tony, ladies and gentlemen. Watch it perform in New Minute every week. Straight to the stars. AI. Alright. Alex, where are our points at? In last place, tied with six points each, Louis J. Gomez and Tony Hinchcliffe. Brothers in arms. Tied. See, tied. Tied together in a union of people. Try mushrooms. All right. In third place with eight points, Big Jay Oakerson. In second place with 13 points, Ron Bennington. Thanks, everyone. Comeback kid. Wow. From worst to almost. Go ahead, Alex. And in the lead with 17 points, Doug Stanhope. Wow. I humbly accept all of your apologies. Ron, last time I saw a comeback like this, it was my back last night covered in cum. Because I had a comeback. Because I'm gay. Come on, everybody. Come on us back. I'm gayer than him and Tim Dillon. I'm just better at it. We have one more story, ladies and gentlemen. This is it. You guys ready for your final story? Come on. Yeah. Come on, folks. Alex. Anybody's game still, I believe, except for mine or Tony's. Alex, have you ever done triple points? That'd be insane. I mean, if we all agree. No one would ever have the balls. Oh, but Skankfest has to reinvent itself every year. I'm just a writer. It's just a pitch meeting. I mean I think the people would probably like triple points I don't think I don't want to feel like I'm manipulating the draft king's odds here's a problem I mean Doug you have a little bit of a lead here if we do go to triple points there could there's no precedent yet I don't know if that's... There's no precedent. Alex does have a very tight belly, according to her Instagram photos. She does. Even though if you skip past the ugly baby thing, she has a lot of bath, bathing suit photos. You go, oh, is that before that ugly baby came out of you? Oh, no way. She's the one that put the photos out there that I had to judge to prepare for this game. I know she won't pick one of my stories next for, is it triple points? I think it should be. You know what? Look, I'll give it up to the audience. I don't know how the audience feels about it. This is, this is, it is their festival. Clap your hands if you would like to see us go triple points. Holy shit. Holy shit. My fucking nose is bleeding. The pressure's unbelievable. Fucking laser showed up at the hotel with a fucking old school, like, bloody nose, fucking hanky, hanging out of his nose at, like, noon. And I go, oh, that's how skank fest works. He goes, no, you got punched in the face, and I thought he did the fights. He goes, no, no, I just partied too hard. Yes. Uncle Lazer fighting Jason Ellis tomorrow at skank fights. Oh. What? Uncle Lazer's going to get murdered tomorrow at skank fights. All right, we have one more story, and I guess this final story is going to be four triple points. Triple points. Doug was in the lead. He's risking everything right now for your entertainment. So the great Doug Sandhoff, thank you for being here. Not just everything, everything in The Happiest Baby on the Block by Dr. Harvey Karp. Doug Sandhoff, by the way, comes every year whether he's booked or not. Doug, there's certain years where he's like, hey, dude, I don't want to do comedy. I literally don't. He was like, I don't want you to give me a free ticket. I want to buy a ticket and just show up to Skankfest. He's a lunatic, but that's what you love. I'm a fan like you. He says he's a man of the people. Oh, I'm the man of the people. I'm one of you, except I get free drinks and shit. Doug, did you buy tickets to go on the Impractical Joker's cruise, too? Uh, yes, I did. Yeah, yeah. I bought the romance suite. They didn't know he was coming, he just came. Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah. I'm leaving this alone, but my wife has been threatening to fucking leave me for a blind fucking... uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. But, and then I start writing the jokes, and then she's like, oh, I don't know if it's gonna work out. I'm like, well, fucking tell me or not. Notebook paper costs money. Anyway, yeah, she's gonna leave me for some blind veteran that she met at a, work in a merch booth. Don't let your wife work the merch booth. I'm like, oh, my God. There's one left you take home, it's that. One more story. our final story, story number eight. Story number eight. Last night, I looked up two of the panel members on CelebrityNetWorth.com. What? You do? Okay, this is Tony or Big J because they're both climber faggots. I had two so you know each other's you wouldn't even know Doug's mushrooms just kicked in this was the moment everyone speaking speaking I Wait Yesterday on Legion of Skanks I was giving you shit Because you were You were like Reading all your fucking Emails I'm like how do you have time to do this And you found the guy that got robbed Allegedly Yeah So yeah you Doug, we're in the middle of a game. And I gave you shit. Hang on. I gave you shit for how do you have the time to be reading all your fucking emails while you're producing? Yeah, Doug's like, what are you going to do? Call those people in the middle of the night? He still sounds like Tony. But it's... I feel like it's somebody looking up me and you. You're looking up me and you? Tony wouldn't admit it. I'm going with Louis. No, so I don't, I mean, look, I don't think that Ron's looking up anyone's net worth. We wouldn't look up each other's. I already know your net worth because you're my best friends. I know literally exactly what your real net worth is. I don't need to look up celebrity net worth. Damn, I don't even know my net worth. I know your net worth. Am I all right? Well, I know how much you paid for your house, and I know how much you make per year. Is that what that means? So I can deduce it. Is that what net worth is? Actually, here's the problem. I don't know your fucking axe. where, like, I know, like, a Kreischer will always, like, I'll tell you what I made, so I don't know if you guys do that. Nobody here, except, nobody on the panel cares about that type of shit, except for Tony fucking Hinchcliffe. Wait, nobody. This is some L.A. to Austin horse shit. That whole energy and attitude. Can I bet, what do you call him? It's so funny, the big highlight. Can I bet that it's not Ron Bennington at a plus 28. Well, let's ask the audience. Can he do that? Can he change the rules yet again? Can I short sell on... He's a legend, but I don't care. We have integrity. I think it's Big Jay or Tony. I'm thinking Ron or Doug. It definitely could be me. It is. I'm throwing a fucking I'm going I'll go first I'll do it I'll strap up Doug Stanhope I'll go first Big J I put two N's in Tony and I didn't know if that would make it like two N's in Tony when is it his birthday? I don't have my reading glasses on Sorry, it took me a minute. It was an N-word joke, yeah. It took me a second. I was working on my spelling. I fucked up Tony. I put two N's in it. I should have put two N's with an I. Well, Big J changing his answer last minute. Because I think it is Big J. Puts me down foolishly for no reason. Tony, vote Big J. Tony, Tony, it's Big J. If it's not you, it's Big J. Just so you know, he's doing this whole song in the answer right now. It's not me. All right. I don't know the fucking rules. I don't even believe celebritynetworth.com. I know what they say I have, and they're wrong. Do they say it's more or less? More. By a whole bunch. Wow, Tony says Ron Bennington. My first thought was Ron. Very strange. My first thought was Ron. Let's see what we got here. It's all over the place. Tony, Tony, Ron. Alex. All of our answers are in. Stop looking at real estate in Arizona. Our final story of the night belongs to Doug Stanhope. Wow. Wow. Wow. I just picked up my wine bottle to speak into it like a microphone. How do you lose a game to somebody this not here? Two million. 2 million 8 million 1.5 million and helping us from the rear what a professional drug user hang on I will say that those numbers when you read them you go are they accounting for that I also spent money in my career? I know they're skewed, but it's always fun to, like, go, all right, what is... I know the numbers on those are bullshit, but I... Your ego will go, wow, like, even if they're fake numbers, is their fake number better than my fake number? More or less. Oh, yeah, for sure. If I was a gentleman of color... Don't think about numbers on mushrooms right now. It's a problem. Yes. If I was a gentleman of color and there was slaveauctionnetworth.com, I would be on it occasionally at night going, what am I compared to Kevin Hart? Kevin Hart's a ball of energy. Ego. Alex, where are our final scores? God damn it. Am I the biggest scorer since we did triple fucking points? It's... Maybe. This is going to be a new record. There's almost... It's almost... Impossible for it not to be. That's... Unless next... Season... They do quadruple points. Quadruple points! World's not ready. Quadruple points. We did quadruple points. The world already felt it. It's kind of like getting rid of the penny. Regular points shouldn't even count. Round up to the nickel, faggot. Doug. Doug. Doug. Doug. Doug. Listen. Listen. You heard that guttural cough? I have not heard back from Dave Attell, who I challenged to, instead of a fight, a flight of stairs. And us two with this fucking guttural, fucking emphysema-like lung cancer cough have to race to the top of a flight of stairs for charity, which is... I'll choose later when I'm sober. But, goddammit, I lost my point. It's okay, so Alex, our final score. Oh, no, no, that was my point. The guttural cough. You saw me smoking Tony's American Spirit cigarettes, so I didn't get the warning on the side. So if I do die of cancer, sue Tony. Because I didn't get the warning. I just got free cigarettes like just a gum-chewing teenager sitting here next to him. I didn't know they were dangerous. All right. Alex? Just take your points and go home. Shut up, Stan Hope. Welcome to another episode of Sue Tony. Who's ready for the worst day of their lives? All right. Alex, go ahead, please. Final scores. Helping each other out from the rear with six points each. Louis J. Gomez and Tony Hinchcliffe. Yeah. Right where I like to be. I love helping you out from the rear. That's right. Very exciting. In third place with eight points, Big J. Oakerson. My hero. Guys, it's not last. It's not last. In second place, second place scored 13 points. and your winner tonight with 29 points. Wow. Doug, stand home. Unbelievable. Wow. I say we stand like the 1968 Olympics and do the fucking Black Panther, Black Power fucking symbol. Doug, you get the happiest baby on the block. You get to take home your John Reap. Wait, I get my John Reap back? You get to keep John Reap back. I'm going to sell it on eBay. It will sell. You should sell it here in this room. How about a big round of applause for our amazing panel. Story Warrior, Ron Bennington. Story Warrior, Tony Hinchcliffe. Newest Story Warrior, Doug Stanton. Doug, you want to trigger it? You can trigger it off if you want. Let's head. You can say the words now. It'll go nuts for you. Do what? Triple points for it. We're going to go double or nothing? or a chip or nothing? Wait. Well, I don't know what the fuck. Tell me to sit down. Jesus, you're my life coach. I paid you $10,000 a month to be my life coach. Thank you so much. Thank you, guys, and thank you. I'm Big Jay Oakerson. I'm Louis Jay Gomez. We'll catch you guys next time on Story Wars. Until then, peace. Hold me a urinal. I'll be right there.