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And because we are the third leg of the wobbly stool kids are standing on today, this conversation is really important. You probably have heard the phrase, parents are only as happy as their unhappiest child. Sounds compassionate, but let's think about it for a minute. Because if my emotional stability rises and falls with my child's emotional stability, then our entire household becomes fragile. And fragility does not build capability. But let's talk a little bit about how we got here. Let's start with that. And we talk about the swings and extremes in the book of how parenting has shifted certainly in the last 30 years we've been counseling, but even back when we were growing up. And so we're going to zoom out historically for a minute because parenting has swung over and over like a pendulum. And we'll call them our own eras. And so we would start with needs-based parenting. We see those, we saw those back when we were growing up shifting to deficit-based parenting. We're going to talk about all of these two anxiety-based parenting to expert-based parenting. And every swing began with the best of intentions. Hang on to that as we talk about these. Okay, so let's start with needs-based parenting. In the needs-based era, parents focused on providing food on the table, clothes, opportunities, success. If you ask a parent then what they wanted most for their child, they would likely say, I just want my son to be successful. There wasn't a lot of emotional language. There weren't parenting seminars, counseling was rare, kids had independence, which was great. They rode bikes until dark, parents were macro involved, not micromanaging So there was one parenting book back in those days that my mom read. It was by Dr. Spock. It was called Baby and Child Care. The one takeaway for my mom was to smile at your babies a lot, which might be why that's a compliment Kathleen and I've always gotten over our lifetimes is that we smile a lot. But thinking about those things that David mentioned, that there was independence, that we were riding our bikes till dark, that parents were macro involved, not micromanaging, built in kids, responsibility, resourcefulness, and independence. But the other side of that might have been emotional under development. So the next generation swung to what we would consider deficit-based parenting. So deficit-based parents said, my parents didn't listen. My feelings weren't talked about. I didn't feel seen. And so they swung and they overcompensated for what they felt like they were missing in their own childhoods. I just want my child to be happy. I just want her to be confident. I want him to tell me everything, which we were hearing in our offices all the time in those years. And it sounds beautiful and so much of it really was. Kids learned emotional vocabulary. Parents showed up to everything. Connection deepened in these really rich ways. But here's where the overcorrection creeps in. When happiness becomes the goal, parents start protecting feelings at all cost. No discomfort, no disappointment, no failure. And without meaning to power shifts, we hear so much evidence of that. Yes. Kids become the emotional thermostat of the home. I remember a mom who brought her daughter to see me in those years and she had spent $7,000 on her parents' credit card in a month. And I said, tell me what you're, how are you handling that? And she said, bringing her to see you. I just wanted her to like me. Wow. Yeah. Such a shift. And guess what came next? Anxiety-based parenting. Anxiety rates skyrocketed. Technology pressure. Social media overscheduling. Parents felt panic. I just want my child to have tools. I just want to fix this. So the goal shifted to relief. And when relief becomes the goal, rescue follows. And we're seeing it every week. Parents carrying the backpack, parents emailing the teacher, parent intervening in every friendship conflict, parents negotiating every consequence, not because they're weak, because they're terrified. Terrified of being the reason their child struggles, terrified of messing up, terrified of failing. And I would add terrified of being the reason their kids are in counseling. That is certainly something we're hearing more about. And so now what we would call this era we're living in today is the expert-based era. Parents are looking for help. We are the most informed. You all are the most informed parents in the history of time, which is a huge gift. There are parenting apps, Instagram therapists, AI advice, podcasts, reels, courses. We're contributing to all of those things. We can ask a question and get 17 answers in 30 seconds, you all. And slowly, the result of that has been that we have stopped trusting ourselves. Let's bring back Dr. Benjamin Spock for a second. He said, trust yourself. You know more than you think you do. Contrast that with today. I don't know what to do, asked the expert. It worked. I guess I don't know what I'm doing. And that cycle repeats. Confidence shifts outward, capability erodes inward. And we find ourselves and what we talk about in the book is the relief, rescue, insecurity cycle. And here's the cycle we want you to think about. Relief, rescue, insecurity. Hold on to those three words. So a child melts down, you want relief, you rescue, rescue removes growth, insecurity increases. Then next time, the meltdown is bigger because the muscle wasn't built. You know, we are firm believers that we all need a little more laughter and a whole lot more grace. And if you are raising a child with ADHD, dyslexia, autism, or another learning and thinking difference, you know how intense some days can feel. The advocacy, the school meetings, the meltdowns, the moments when you wonder if you're getting any of it right. If that hits home, we recently found a podcast we think you'll really appreciate. It's called Everyone Gets a Juice Box for parents of neurodivergent kids. Check out a few episodes, including one about parenting regrets after an ADHD and autism diagnosis, and another about how, quote, fine isn't always fine when it comes to dyslexia. You'll appreciate the tone, it's honest, it's warm, it's funny in the way that only parents who truly get it can be. You can hear the relief in their voices when they realize they're not alone. It feels like sitting down with other parents who understand the mysteries, the multiple diagnosis, and the beauty in the middle of it all. If you could use that kind of community and encouragement, we really think you'll like it. To listen, search for Everyone Gets a Juice Box in your podcast app. That's Everyone Gets a Juice Box. Okay, I need to confess something. Patches staged a silent protest this week. A protest? She could not get settled in my bed, circling, sighing dramatically, flopping down, getting back up, and then I realized I had washed the bedding and forgot to put the bowl and branch sheets back on. Do you have some entitlement to work through? Yes. In her defense, I get it. She's got great taste, and here's the thing. Most people keep their bedding way longer than they should. Sheets start pilling, corners pop off, pillows flatten. You don't realize how much it's affecting your sleep until you finally replace it. We upgraded our bed with bowl and branch. There's signature organic cotton sheets, breathable pillows, and that waffle blanket, and the difference was immediate. The sheets are incredibly soft, breathable, and they actually get softer after every wash. The moment you lie down, the bed just feels better. Cooler, more polished, more inviting. Even dogs can tell. Apparently, if you think you need a new mattress, you probably just need new bedding. Most people start with the signature sheet set and then quickly upgrade the whole bed. I did, and now I'm not going back. Upgrade your sleep with bowl and branch. Get 15% off your first order plus free shipping at bowlandbranch.com slash raising with code raising. That's bowl and branch, b-o-l-l-a-n-d slash raising code raising to unlock 15% off. Exclusions apply. We have got to say this clearly. You all, and again, with so much grace that boundaries create security in kids. Too much power creates anxiety. If a child feels like they control the emotional climate of your home, it does not make them confident. It makes them afraid. They don't want that much power. Okay, let's talk about that too much power. I had an experience on an airplane not long ago. I was seated across from a great intention mom and what I would guess to be, maybe her four or five-year-old son. She had done the very thing that I remember often doing, which is packing ridiculous amounts of things to keep him occupied on the long journey. He played his way through all those good options, did okay for the majority of the flight, but about two-thirds of the way in, the captain came on as the captain does and says, okay, everybody find your way back to your seat because we're going to start the landing process. At that point, he was ready to get up and move around again. He announced that not just to his mom, but to all of us. I went down and she tried to explain to him gently that that was not an option right now and attempted to find something that might redirect him. That worked for a few seconds. She said, look, here's your cup of water. In his frustration in navigating the discomfort of the decline of the plane and his mom's best attempts, she was doing a lot of great listening. I even heard her reflecting back to him, things like, I can tell you feel frustrated. I can tell you feel overwhelmed and in response, he would either say or do something that was the evidence of these big feelings. He would yell, I want down. I'm done sitting. When those declarations didn't do enough, he began kicking the seat in front of him. Now, seated in front of him was a delightful older lady who happened to have her water in her hand at that point and she dumped that into her lap. Then he managed to grab the cup he had and throw that to the right and left. We all got showered as well. There were a lot of us getting wet. Not a lot of hydration happening, but a lot of people around him getting wet. What was sad to me in particular was two things. I think one, I saw this mom doing a remarkable job of helping him name his feelings. I didn't see a lot of attempts at helping him navigate these feelings and there weren't a lot of boundaries around him. There was a lot of attunement. There were not a lot of boundaries. She was apologizing for his behavior to the woman in front of him and the people getting splashed around him, but there wasn't any requirement on his part to do any kind of repair. I think this amazing little guy missed a lot of opportunity for navigating emotions and repair. I talk so much about recognize, regulate, and repair and raising emotionally strong voice. Those three Rs are so foundational. This little guy had the first one down, but the last two were missing. That's a picture of what we're talking about when we offer attunement, but there are no boundaries. Let's talk more about what happens in those moments. So hear us say loud and clear. Attunement matters. Connection matters. It's an incredible thing to offer empathy and to help kids begin to name their feelings, but it can't stop there. We've got to move from naming to navigating because attunement without boundaries backfires. We've heard parents say, I squat down, I validate, I breathe with them, and they scream louder because they need both. They need, I see you, and this is not okay. We talk incapable about support and challenge equal parts of both. Combination is so important, and we are. We're hearing more and more parents who are trying just attunement saying it doesn't work, and we have talked about this so much, but we see so many kids who would rather you be the coping strategy for them rather than doing the hard work of developing their own coping strategies. And to the degree that we talk about in the book, a culture averse to effort. And so it's not just kids individually in your home, which it is that, but y'all, our culture has shifted so significantly. And if you were just to think about the broader culture, we have smart homes, we have smart cars, we have smart beds, we have smart everything. And in that, we don't wait anymore. We don't endure anymore. We optimize. And parenting doesn't come with an optimization option. Parenting requires waiting, discomfort, effort. Eugene Peterson has a book called A Long Obedience in the Same Direction, and I think that could be the definition of parenting. And that's what we're struggling with you all so much in our world today. That's incredible. Okay, remember waiting rooms growing up? Remember being at the pediatricians office or the dentist office and how there was absolutely nothing to do except those old one out magazines that we're sitting on today. Highlight. I read so many highlight magazines. Totally. No screens, just waiting. What we want you to hear us say is that boredom builds resilience. Now we fill in every gap and in doing so, we shrink endurance. So what is a capable parent, you might be asking. Capable parents trust their instincts. Capable parents offer vast amounts of empathy mixed with strength, support and challenge. Capable parents offer boundaries and grace. Capable parents value resilience over relief. Sturdiness over success. Health over happiness and not just physical health. Capability over confidence. Faith over fear. And let's slow down there for a minute. Resilience over relief. That means I care more about the muscle being built than the emotion being soothed. Say that again. It means I care more about the muscle being built than the emotion being soothed. Sturdiness over success. It means I care more about who you're becoming than what you're achieving. Health over happiness means I understand that happiness is not the ultimate goal. Confidence can look loud and fragile when it's actually masked confidence. Capability is quiet and steady. Faith over fear means I will not let fear drive our home. Okay, I've been doing a little spring reset with my closet lately. Fewer pieces, better materials, quality over quantity, which is how I accidentally discovered something life changing. I feel a little nervous. 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Now available in Canada too. Go to qinc.com slash RBG for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com slash RBG. Okay, let's just be honest for a moment. At our age, we can't remember what we had for breakfast. Or where we parked the car or our login information for literally anything. If a website asked me to create a new password, I immediately need a snack and a nap. That's why I love that little purple shop pay button. You know the one where you're checking out online and suddenly there it is like a beacon of hope. No digging for your wallet, no resetting your password for the fifth time, one tap and you're done. It's the best feature in the chaotic world of online shopping. And it's powered by Shopify, the commerce platform behind millions of businesses worldwide and 10% of all e-commerce in the US. From global brands to businesses just getting started, Shopify helps entrepreneurs build beautiful online stores with ready to use templates, AI tools that write product descriptions and built in marketing tools to help customers find you. Everything from inventory to payments to analytics is in one place, making life easier for business owners and shoppers like us who can't remember our passwords. See less carts go abandoned and more sales go with Shopify and their shop pay button. Sign up for your $1 per month trial today at Shopify.com slash RBG. Go to Shopify.com slash RBG. That's Shopify.com slash RBG. All right, so before we close, let's get really practical. If you're listening and thinking, okay, I see it, I feel it, but what do I actually do this week? We want to give you four small concrete shifts, not massive overhauls, just course corrections. Number one, we want you to trust your instincts first. You have heard us talking about parents who are going to experts rather than trusting that you are the expert for your child. So trust your instincts first before you open the app, before you Google it, before you text your smartest parenting friend, pause and ask yourself, what do I actually think is right here? Not what would make this go away fastest, not what would make them happiest, not what would make me look like a good parent? What is steady? What is wise? What aligns with who I want my child to become? And then act on that. You are the expert regarding your child. You live in the house, you know their tone, you know their patterns, you know their tells even experts can guide, but you are the authority in your home. And when you act from your instincts, your child feels that steadiness. That's so great. All right, second idea, hold one firm boundary this week, not ten, one. Maybe it's we don't speak to each other that way. Maybe it's you are still going to school. Maybe it's screens are off at 9 p.m. Maybe it's if you say you're going to commit to this team, we finish the season. And here's the key. Don't hold it angrily. Don't hold it dramatically. Hold it calmly because capable parenting isn't loud. It's steady. When you hold a boundary without panic, you communicate I'm strong enough to handle your emotions and that builds security in kids. Three, stop doing two things that they can do. Y'all have heard us talk about this before, but we feel like it's so important to think about two things that your kids can do or almost do. Maybe it's packing their lunch, emailing their teacher, waking them up five times, referring every sibling disagreement, carrying their backpacks metaphorically or literally. Ask yourself, where am I being the coping strategy instead of teaching one? Where am I solving instead of scaffolding and then step back just a little? It might get messier before they get stronger, but strength always requires space. All right. And four, think about your own upbringing. Journal about it. Which types of parents were yours? What did they do that you were grateful for? What did they do that maybe you want to do differently? Remember our own awareness and work only serves to benefit the kids we love. All right. If you practice those four things, trust your instincts, hold one boundary, stop doing two things, do some reflection of your own, you're going to begin shifting from relief-driven parenting to resilience building parenting. And that shift changes everything. We want to circle back to something we said, but that's something that we feel like you can hold on to when things feel chaotic. It can become your own mantra. Sturdy is better than success. Healthy is more important than happy. Resilience lasts longer than relief and capable carries more weight than confidence ever could. Let that sink in. Sturdy over success because success can collapse. Sturdy holds. Healthy over happy because happiness fluctuates, but health sustains. Resilience over relief because relief is temporary. And we know that resilience endures. Capable over confident because confidence without muscles crumbles and capability remains. All right. So here's the last reminder. You're not going to rescue your child. You are going to help them discover the strength already inside them. You are not powerless, they are not powerless. You are not behind. You are not failing. You are capable. And when capable parents raise capable kids, that's a generational shift. And y'all, if this resonates with you, the book goes deeper. We talk about the swings and extremes. We talk about the shifts. I think you'll understand your own parents better. You'll understand your own parenting better. And so we would highly recommend it. It gives you ideas. It gives you capability building exercises. It gives you scripts for what can help in those hard moments. And the workbook for kids I am capable can certainly help to. It reinforces everything we're talking about in age appropriate ways that speak to the heart of where your kids are. And you all have heard us say this before and we just remind you it's got these really fun. We put a hundred capability building exercises. We call them CBEs in the book. Really fun things that you can do as a family. We have it broken down by eighties. We've got littles. We've got middles. We've got older. So please check out that part of the book. You all, we believe this moment matters. We believe we can change things for the kids that you love and change that also can bring you more freedom, confidence and capability. We are cheering you on always and so grateful to be on this journey with you. David, what a team we have that we get to call friends who help make this podcast possible. Chris Sterrett, our engineer, our management team at KCH. We are thrilled to be a part of the That Sounds Fun Network. Our music was created by the insanely talented Dave Haywood of Lady A. And if this podcast felt helpful to you, please consider subscribing, liking, sharing all the things. We are grateful for you and cheering you on always. IG is the investment platform that backs you. Take a reflexable stock, ISA, which gives you the freedom to withdraw funds anytime and replace them in the same tax year, all without losing your £20,000 tax-free allowance. And if that's not enough, pay no commission on your stock shares and ETFs when you invest with IG. IG. Trade. Invest. Progress. Your capital's at risk. Other fees may apply. Tax treatment depends on individual circumstances and is subject to change.
