Overcoming Anxiety in Your Family, Faith and Life (Part 1 of 2)

Your marriage can be healed. A Hope Restored Marriage Intensive from Focus on the Family can transform you and your spouse's relationship in just a few days. We'll go to this thing, but this is it. If this doesn't work, we're done. What we have now, it's way more than we ever had before and that I ever even dreamed of in the marriage. Discover more at HopeRestored.com. That's HopeRestored.com For me, anxiety is kind of a constant thing. I fight it a lot and it's just that persistent feeling that something's wrong, but it couldn't really tell you what it is. When I'm anxious, I think about the situation over and over again and I notice it more so in my chest with my heart racing a little bit. When I get anxious, it's like I drank too much coffee. I mean, my mind is racing and I'm jittery. When I worry, I get butterflies in my stomach. So at times when I get anxious, I get a little bit of heartburn, it just kind of builds up in my chest and it makes me feel a little second nauseous. Well, I wonder if you can relate to any of those comments and if you or someone you know does and you're dealing with fear or worry or anxiety, hang on because we've got some great help for you today. On focus on the family with Jim Dele. Thanks for joining us. I'm John Fuller. John, you can just look at the news. It seems like there's been a can of anxiety opened up and I think spiritually speaking, it's true. I think we are a more anxious culture than we've ever been and everything is causing us worry and doubt and we've got as the Christian community, we've got to get a grip on this. I had a friend of mine who's a non-believer, say if you guys are worried, we should be really worried as the non-believer is. Isn't that interesting? What are we projecting as the church in terms of our faith, our hope? And I don't mean that to sound like a guilt thing because we have to deal with anxiety. We have it in our extended family. So we deal with this as well, like many other people are. I think the CDC report was as many as 50% of 15 to 25 year olds are dealing with anxiety and depression. So this is something that is hitting almost everybody and I think it's going to be a topic that will really equip you or help you directly. So stick with us today. Yeah, this affects our family as well, Jim. And I just want to tell our listeners and viewers we do have caring Christian counselors here. And I really want to encourage you to connect with them. Reach out to us. We'll schedule the time for them to give you a call back. That's a really good starting point. If this is something you haven't really tackled personally, that number is 800-A family. And Jason and Tori Benemar here. We love having them here. They're going to share their own stories and experiences about dealing with anxiety, about the deep dive they've done into the Word of God in order to really provide hope and practical help. They're coaches, speakers and authors and they have a podcast called Beauty and Battle. They've written a number of books and the one we're talking about today addresses this topic. It's called Unshakable, a proven plan to crush anxiety, defeat overwhelm and conquer the fears that freak you out. And we've got the book and you can learn more about getting a copy and our guests when you click the link in the show notes. Jason and Tori, welcome to Focus on the Family once again. Good to have you as always. Thank you. Love being with you guys. Now just for the viewers and listeners, you've been married how long? 25 years. 25 years. My wife would say this about watching football. If I just knew things about the player, I'd be more interested. Like, are they married? Do they have children? Yes. So how many kids do you have? That's true. We have four kids. Our oldest is 23 and then the baby is 15. All right. So you still? You still got action and help? That's the years away from empty nesting. So you think? Yeah. Let's let them think that. There are a lot of people back there. They're about to back. We're just going to let you live in that idea. Still my hope. You know, anxiety. I set it up there. It does touch everybody and just about every family directly. And we've had it in our family and our extended family. First of all, when we're looking at anxiety, it's not fear. I mean, God gives us a sense of fight or flight that sometimes is survival. So what's that difference between fear and kind of debilitating anxiety? Oh, yeah. And I think you had such a great question. You had like a burglar or something. Oh, my gosh. We did. I'll tell you that story in a second. Actually, I have to tell you that story. She lived it probably even greater than I did. But fear is about a present or a past threat. Anxiety is a future threat. Anxiety is projecting fear into the future. And the specific fear is honestly the loss of control. So as we define anxiety in our book Unchakable, we talk about how fear is projected powerlessness. It's projecting powerlessness into the future. And we got that from the story where Jesus, remember when he was teaching the disciples and then he tells him, Hey, let's get in the boat and go to the other side. And then he goes in and take himself a little catnap. And then the wind in the waves, all of a sudden this massive storm comes up. And what are the disciples do? Well, they freak out. They're like, we're going to die. And you got to remember these are professional fishermen. These are dudes who made their living on the sea. And yet they thought we are going to die. And they woke Jesus up. And they're like, Come on, man. Get up. And Jesus was the first thing that he does. He rebukes the wind in the waves. Then he turns around and he rebukes the disciples. Why? Because they required him to calm down what was on the outside before they were calm on the inside. And what they said to him reveals to us that they were operating not by fear alone but by anxiety. They said, we are going to die. What does that mean? That means that we're not dead right now. But here's what's going to happen. This boat is going to dump over at some point. And we're all going to end up in the ocean. And we are going to sink to the bottom. We're going to black out and we're going to drown. Like they're projecting powerlessness into the future. We're not going to be able to control it. Jesus, don't you know this is happening to us? And so Jesus is like, stop all that. Can you imagine if Jesus woke up and he found the disciples rebuking the wind in the waves? But he would have commended their faith. So those guys were projecting powerlessness into the future. And Jesus actually rebuked him for it. And I like that definition. But Jean and I have fallen into this little trap of binging on I was pray. This cable show. Is it P.R.E.Y.? Yeah, P.R.E.Y. So it's about human beings that are out hiking or they're in the ocean. And all of a sudden they're being eaten by a shark or a knot on by a bear. So I would say, yeah, that's true. You wake up with a storm and you're freaked out for something. The Lord knows it shouldn't be something you're freaked out about. But I've watched enough of these shows with Jean to say that if a grizzly is gnawing on my head, I am freaking out. And this is fear time for sure. So there is time for fear. So take us to your story of your burglar. Yes. Okay. So this was years ago, the kids were really small. And we, at the time we had our master bedroom on the top floor. And we had an alarm system. And because Jason traveled often. I'm a naturally fearful person. And so I required that if he was going to be on the road that we had an alarm system. And so we had this alarm system. Jason's home. And in the middle of the night, I think it was like 2 a.m. We hear glass shattering. You're like the worst nightmare. What's happening? And just this huge bang followed by the alarm going off. And in that moment, Jason and I jumped to our feet or adrenaline is just kicking. It sounded like a fire truck in our living room. Yes. That's how loud the alarm was. And Jason's reaction was to yell downstairs, get out. I'm coming for you. You know, like we're here, like, you know, like speaking. That was good. Yeah, but then the funniest part was what followed is that this, I don't know. It was like a primal instinct. He just like rolled. It was literally like, I did scream. It was bad. This is a cream run for the real deal someday. I mean, this was real real legit fear. We were both freaking out. And so Jason, he makes out this huge scream. And then he kind of like literally gets on the floor and kind of army girls to get the kids. I did scream down the hall. Yeah, it's almost like he was trained for this moment. And he tells the kids to get into the bedroom. I'm already called 911 telling them what happened. We heard this loud bang. And now the alarm's going off. They said get into the master bathroom. So we lock ourselves in the master bathroom. We're on the phone with the police. We're like, okay, intruder is in our house. I mean, it's so scary. Police show up like a bunch of police show up. All the lights, everything. And I'm looking out the window watching them. They've got their flashlight. They're looking through the windows trying to find where somebody came in. And then they did they call up to the window. We look out the window and they said there's no sign of intrusion. Yeah, I had to give my man card over to them. And I'm up in the window, you know, on the second floor. And I'm like, hey, we good. There're like no signs of forced entry. You can come down. Yeah. So I'm like shaking walking down the steps. You know, you walk down the steps to find that the motion detector had just like just just fall to the ground and it shattered. Yeah, it was a classroom. It fell off the wall and shattered. Yeah. And so I'm upstairs. I'm like, I see Jason walk outside and start talking to the police. I'm like, are we safe? And everything's fine. Fall so long. Well, some listening or watching probably has they've had the real deal where there's been an intrusion. Yeah. So those things do happen, but what you took away from that is. Well, our bodies are wired with an internal alarm system that should alert us to danger. So that alarm had somebody truly broken in the house. The alarm would do its job. The problem is that when something else trips that alarm. And so what we say is that God created us to have fear. Like we should. Okay, so Jim, going back to your example, if I'm walking in the woods and I see a grizzly bear, healthy fear deal with it like run. Oh, I don't know if you're supposed to run from a grizzly or not. I think it's played dead with a grizzly. Play dead. Okay. Or you're supposed to get big and scream really loud. Okay. I don't think so. I'm joking. That's a disclaimer for anybody listening. Or you know, you're in Florida and you see an alligator, then maybe run. Yeah. That's a healthy fear. But what anxiety does is anxiety doesn't play on reality. It plays on imagination. Okay. It plays on whatever's in your mind. So anxiety then says, hey, I'm walking in the woods. There's going to be a grizzly. I bet you there's going to be a grizzly. And now, I said, you're not walking through the woods anymore. You're leaving the path because of what anxiety is doing. It's now imagining that that fear is there. Or in worst case scenarios, that anxiety is gripped a person so badly, they won't go to the woods. Right. Because they're already projecting or they won't leave their home. They won't be a grocery shopping. I mean, that is severe. Yeah. But I do want to pick up on that because I think the spiritual implication there, of what you're saying is when real things happen, you know, whether they're assumed or actual, like your indicator or your sensor falling on the ground, you guys didn't know. Right. And you're reacting out of that adrenaline. Or if somebody's actually an intruder, those are normal things where anxiety and fear are pretty understood. Yeah. But the spiritual problem is when you're projecting out in the future, your future will be detrimental. Or horrific or something like that. Speak specifically to the spiritual connotation of that because that's crippling in so many ways. Satan wants to do everything he can to keep you off the path that God put you on. Yeah. So he is going to do to you what he did to the disciples when they were in that boat. So here's the thing. You know, and I know it focused on the family, we talked to a lot of God followers. You have Jesus in your life. And if you don't, I just... We talked to them too. Yeah. And I just ask you to get on your knees and ask Christ coming to your heart and have God as your father. And you're going to find that not all things just work themselves out magically. You got some work to do, but God will definitely do something for you. But when we're talking to God followers, what you need to know is, is Jesus in your boat first? Is he in your life? You know, is he on the path with you? Secondly, is he freaking out right now? And thirdly, who's really in control? But Satan wants you to not think about any of that. He wants you to focus on what could be in your life. And all of that is ruled by fear, not faith. So what faith does is it projects power into the future because we know who's on our boat. We know that we're walking according to what God wants to... I mean, Jesus told the disciples, let's go to the other side. So they were walking in obedience. Look, if you're walking in disobedience, you should be freaking out about some stuff. But the spiritual connotation of this is all Satan is going to use projected fear to keep you off of the path. But you need to know, Jesus is in your boat. And if he's not freaking out, you shouldn't either. I think it's important we've kind of laid the groundwork, but the hope there. It's hard for people that have chronic anxiety to hear. Yeah, just don't perpetuate that anxiety into the future. It's easy to say, it's easy to hear. It's hard to do for people that have anxiety. So especially for the Christian community, I think you look towards 2 Corinthians 12 and the promise God is making us there, which is our only hope. I mean, when you get down to it, if you have that kind of stifling, crippling anxiety, you've got to get it into your heart that you're okay, that the Lord's going to take care of you. Even through death, may I say. That's right. Regardless of what happens, it is quite freeing to understand that. That not even death has a grip on us, because we have a life, eternal life with the Lord after this. It's good to hear, it's comforting, but do we really believe it? I mean, that's the core thing. So how does 2 Corinthians 12 comfort us? Let me read it because I don't want this to be a pop quiz on your. But it starts with, my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. When I was at the height of my anxiety battle, the Lord brought that scripture home to me to just let me know it's okay. Like, yeah, you're in a weak spot right now. And I felt like sick, very sick, and we'll get to share the story here in a little bit of what that all looked like. But when God came in, it was like, you know what, my grace is sufficient. That my strength is made powerful in your weakness. Like, in that moment, I was in such a weak state, and I really did find hope and comfort in that. You know, we've talked about this before on one of your other podcasts where trust is a choice that you make. And hope is the feeling that follows. You can't have hope if you don't first make the choice to trust. It came to a head for me in Vidalia, Georgia. And remember that town in particular, because you know, it's the home of the sweetest onion ever made. Vidalia, onions or whatever. And my brother and I at this point, I had been speaking professionally for like a decade. Public speaking was not a problem for me. Just before I was to get on stage about five minutes before all of a sudden I started having hot flashes. Like, I started sweating, my head started spinning. I honestly thought that I was going to pass out. My heart was racing like out of my chest. I had no idea what it was going on. Did you think it might be the flu? I thought something like that. I felt like I was having kind of a miniature stroke or heart attack. No, I'm serious. I mean, this isn't me. What's happening right here? Yeah. And I'm sitting there and I'm literally holding on to the table. And I remembered somewhere in the confusion of all of this that if you feel like you have a low blood sugar, eat some sugar and there was a piece of chocolate cheesecake. So I smashed that cheesecake. That's my solution for every now. Well, that didn't work. And I just started praying. And the only verse that I could think about was the Philippians 4 verse where it says, be anxious for nothing. But in everything about prayer and petition with Thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. And I'm like, God, I got to go up here and speak in front of all these people. I can't pass out. So I was having this fear that I was going to pass out. And I walked up there on stage. Unfortunately for me, I have twin brother. And he was speaking with me that day. And I brought my glass of ice water up there with me. And I stood on stage and David opened up and I had my glass of ice water. And I started pressing it onto my head. And I was just to get recovery. And I thought, God, I'm going to pass out. Either I'm going out voluntarily or involuntarily. I have got to control myself. And I was taking sips of water and my knees were shaking. And it got to my part. And I started speaking. And it started to wane a little bit. It started to calm down. And I felt like the Lord was giving me some reprieve. We were able to get through a 45 minute talk and I walked off of there. And I was wondering, what in the world did these people think about me drinking this cold water and pressing the glass against my head? We got done and David was like, man, you look like a ghost up there. What was wrong with you? And I was like, I think I almost had a heart attack or something. I don't know. Well, I began to look back at that. And I realized that was a panic attack. It was a full-on anxiety attack. Which you've never had never had before. Yeah. Never, ever. And I was not nervous to speak in front of people or anything like that. But the very thing that I was called to do now I was struggling to do. And it hurt. It felt like somebody poured boiling lava on my chest while I got dropped 10 stories in an elevator. Like a feeling like that. And it was just awful and it was a cluster mess. That was my first bout with anxiety. Yeah. And then Tori, pick it up. I mean, you're like... Yeah. I mean, it wasn't the Jason that I knew. Like, it was scary. It's scary to be someone who has never seen that before. And Jason is always, he's a very strong leader. And I looked to him for a lot of security in my life. And he's always the strong one. I'm usually the one more crippled with fear and anxiety. And then I'm seeing this happen. And it's a little bit scary at first. You're like, oh, what is going to happen? And you can easily start to think to the future. Like, how long is this going to last? What are we going to be okay? Is he going to be okay? And I remember just going to the Lord. I... One of the things that I'll never forget in that season was how... How Jason fought. It was... He fought so hard to break free. And this is where the book came from. Was that fight? The book was birthed out of a fight to come free from this. And so I was watching him. He was waking up early in the morning and going out in the sunlight. And just getting before the Lord and just hands open to the Lord, crying out to him. And I'm watching this. And I'm fighting with him inside, you know, in prayer and asking the Lord, what is my role? And what do I need to do? How do I get out of my... Because those feelings kept coming back. I kept, like, for the next, like, three months. I kept feeling like I'm going to pass out. I got to a point where I didn't even want to drive anymore. And I didn't want to public speak. I didn't want to do anything. And so she was watching me spiral. This is a really personal question for you, Tori. But I would think you mentioned how much confidence you had in Jason. How much you depended upon him for that stability and being the rock. Which allowed you a little bit of sway to, you know, have those emotional feelings. In this season, how did you process, uh-oh, my rock is not so solid. And how did that impact you personally? Like, did you have more fear? Like, what is happening? And what does this mean for me? Yes. Yeah. I think it was a moment for me, though, where I knew that I had no other option, but to depend on the Lord. Thank God that I knew where my strength comes from. And of course, in that moment, there were moments of shakiness of like, oh, what is this going to look like? But it was a place of desperation to where I knew the only place to turn was be to the Lord. It was so good about that. And what people need to understand is that is how the Lord works. Yes. We think it's all about Jason. Right. But what a great recentering for you, too. Yeah, it really was. I'm so thankful for that. But yeah, it was definitely a moment where I turned to the Lord and I was like, I've got to support him. I've got to be there for him. He's, he is really struggling. And so I felt like the Lord's like getting the fight with him. And so we began researching it together. We began reading everything we could on anxiety. And, you know, all the symptoms that we could think of, we're trying to figure out what is this. And one of the things that we quickly learned was that it's not just what we actually learned was that it's projected powerlessness. And I saw that coming through like every day, there were little things that Jason would say, what if I can't go to Trays Basketball game next week? What, you know, it was all these projections of powerlessness. It was built on itself. It was awful. Yeah. It was the worst deal in my life. Yeah. And so as I began to see, okay, this, what was exactly what was happening. And I began to ask the Lord, like, what, what are you saying through this? What do you, like, we need you to tell us what to do here. And I remember one morning, Jason, he looked so frail. He didn't, he looked like a shell of the man that he was. And he was sitting in front of our fireplace, because he was really cold. Like, even like his temperature, everything was off. And he was sitting in front of the fireplace with blanket. And it was just not. It didn't even look like Jason. And I, I kind of get a little teary. I think of it because it was hard to see him like that. And I can relate to so many other people out there that you're watching your love one. Go through this. And it's sometimes I think it's almost harder for the person watching it from the outside, because it's not the person that you know. Well, it's scary. Yeah, it's scary. Like what is happening? Yeah. And I have no control. Exactly. And neither does he. Yes. Yeah, exactly. And so I think he's so in control and takes such rain of our home. It felt like he was slipping away. And so I was just before the Lord, God, what, what is going on? What do you need me to say to him? What are you doing? What, what are you saying? Speak. And I remember very clearly, the Lord saying, you need to let him know that this soon shall pass. Like, this is not going to last a long time. You're going to be okay and it's not going to be that much longer. That makes a bit of courage. Yeah, cause I didn't know. I didn't know. I'm like, I hope you're... And you gotta go say this to him in a time when he's not himself and is he feeling that? Yeah, and there's kind of a part of me that's like, I hope I heard that. I hope that was the Lord. Hope that's just not me. And but I did. I went to him. I said, babe, I just, I really feel like the Lord just said, this is not gonna be much longer. This is, this too shall pass. And you're almost through it. Don't let go. Keep fighting. You're almost through it. That's incredible. I had to make you feel. I mean, hope I felt literally, I felt something lift in my spirit. Now, I had a lot of work ahead of me and I wanna tell you guys about it. But that day, I mean, when she offered hope to me like that, I felt like a lightning bolt in my body. You know, and we were raised bad. We're not like, you know, the prophetic, all that kind of stuff, but I'm telling you, I felt like that was a prophetic... Yeah, really? It was real for me. And I just felt it in my body. And that it was like the Lord was saying, there's a finish line to this. And that's when the Lord began to really do some stuff. And that's why I began taking notes, writing everything down I could about anxiety. But let me just tell you about how bad it got. Those feelings that I had before I was speaking at that place, it happened so bad. I passed out once in church, literally just sitting there. Somebody was giving a testimony, and they started talking about some accident that they had. And I'm not good with talking about bodily fluids, specifically blood. They started talking about that. I literally just passed out writing church. And so then now I started having a fear of passing out. And I'm like, oh my gosh, I almost passed out when I was on stage. I was speaking at Liberty University, and I was on stage there, and at one of their... Chappell. It wasn't in the big chapel, but it was at one of their business chapel classes. Almost passed out there, had to have them bring me a chair. I had to sit on it. Now, remember, I had already been speaking for a decade. I'm confident. I'm not scared to speak in front of anybody at any time. I'm not scared to drive. And now I don't want to do either of these, but it got to a point where I didn't even want to travel to Nashville, Tennessee from Charlotte to go see my son's basketball game. Like, when my family would go out to dinner, I'm like, all of my feelings were gone. It was like, it was burnt. It was charred. I wasn't mad or angry. I was just done. And for the first time of my life, I understood what depression must feel like. And I had, at that point, had businesses that ran themselves, investments happily married, healthy kids, financial freedom, everything that you could want. And yet, I felt done. And I just want to encourage some listeners right now that you feel done. That's exactly where God wants you, because He's going to build you right back up. And I felt at that moment, if I continue to feel this way, I would rather not live. That's dangerous ground. It's very dangerous ground. Now, I wasn't, you know, ruminating on suicidal thoughts or anything, but I did feel like I just don't want to continue to feel this. And it was at that moment I was in front of the fireplace, shell of a man, Torrey came up and gave me hope. So that's why we speak to people who have somebody in your life that's got to give them hope. That's the thing. Be patient with them, you know. Well, this has been a great start. We're going to come back next time, keep the discussion going and bring more of that hope and structure and how to think through these things. So if you're in that spot, I think we've laid the groundwork as to what might be occurring in your heart and your soul and in your life. And we want to be here for you. So get in touch with us, get this great book, Unshakable, Approve and plan to crush anxiety, defeat overwhelm and conquer the fears that freak you out. I can think of 10 people that need this just in my life. And I'm sure you're very similar. And it may be you, get in touch with us. Yeah, call today. Our number is 800, the letter A in the word family, 800, 232, 6459. Let us know you'd like to speak with the counselor and we can schedule a time for them to give you a call back and help you make some healing progress. You can also request Jason and Torrey's book Unshakable. Make a monthly pledge of any amount today and we'll send a copy of that book to you as our way of saying thank you for helping us strengthen and support families around the world. And if you're not in a spot to make a monthly pledge, we understand that. Make a one time gift that certainly makes a difference as well. And here's why your financial support is so important. A woman named Annie is a stay-at-home mom raising three teenagers. She wrote to us and said, I listen almost daily to your broadcast. The variety of your shows provides guidance and encouragement to me as a mom and wife. But also as a Christian, God is really working through this ministry. And I just love that comment, John. That's what we're aiming for to give people hope and help in Christ. And when we work together, marriages, our strength and parents are empowered, pre-born babies are safe through option ultrasound and so much more. So please be generous with your giving to focus on the family today. And again, our phone number 800, the letter A in the word family, or donate and get the venomous book when you click the links in the show notes. And thanks for joining us for Focus on the Family with Jim Dele. I'm John Fuller and fighting you back, as we continue the conversation with Jason and Tori Benham and once more. Help you and your family thrive in Christ. And thank you for joining us for this. Live your truth. A lot of people say that, don't they? But truth isn't something we decide. God has decided it for us. And it's our job as believers to share his truth with a world in need. I'll encourage you to do that through my podcast, ReFocus with Jim Dele. I visit with fascinating guests about important topics like gender confusion, cancel culture and more while helping you share God's love with others. Listen at ReFocus with JimDele.com.