Side Stories: Snack Attack

There's no place to escape to. This is the last podcast on the left. Side stories? That's when the cannibalism started. Side stories. Yes. Dude, I had fucking, I gotta listen to what happened to me this week. I was in San Francisco, I had a show at the Punchline. Love you Punchline. Great time. Absolutely. Also, sorry to Alaska. Can't wait. Cannot wait to be back there in April. April. We are going to come back. We promise. We're definitely coming this time. And it's not happening. We're coming. We've rescheduled this. We've rescheduled. We're coming. But while I was in San Francisco, I was slumming it a little bit. I took an Uber X and a RAV4 showed up. And at first I'm like, my wife's with me. I don't want to get in this fucking thing. Did you assault the driver? I was just worried that it wouldn't move. I was surprised it got to me. Honestly, I'm afraid to even put a woman in a RAV4. Yes. So it had one of those rear view mirrors that's like a camera instead of a rear view mirror. You know what I'm talking about? So it was filming you? It was filming. Against your consent? No, it was filming the back. Oh. It was filming the people behind us without their consent. But it was really nice. And it seemed I had a nice time in the RAV4. and i think that i've learned something as because we've gotten a lot of messages a lot of people say we're very insensitive recently yeah we get very insensitive about how we've been talking about the rav4 and you know a lot of people have rav4s and that's okay and i've been really sitting with a lot of people's opinions about the rav4 and kind of self adjudicating yeah about whether if i'm good or not thinking about the RAV4 and like yes I'm great but maybe not when it comes to the RAV4. I'm sitting in that RAV4 with my wife and at first I'm mad as hell and then I'm looking around I'm like this ain't that bad. She wasn't screaming? No she was just like at least it's not a Corolla Wow. She's changed Yeah and so we were you know we commiserated in that and we got to the place and we got out of the car. They got you to where you were It got us to where we were going. I even put some luggage in the back. It worked. And you could sit. I sat on the seat, had a seatbelt, air conditioning. The Rapplers had all the seatbelts. Well, I didn't check the middle, but Julie and I were both secure. Well, you're big enough to normally need the two. Yes, I know, I know. And usually I'm big enough to not even need one because my shoulders are touching either door. The roll cage. Yes. Your body's touching the roll cage itself. So I'm saying that I've learned and I've grown to know that if you drive a RAV4, you shouldn't have to call 988. Wow. Guys, this is one of the biggest... People come at us all the time and they're always so thankful about how we grow. Yes. All right. Usually it's just sideways. Sometimes we start small, right? We start small. Maybe there's a little procedure that might discourage your full growth. But we got just enough growth, I think, on this subject. Yeah. RAV4 drivers, we're not sorry, but we're thinking about saying we're sorry. Yeah, we're thinking about you and how hard your life must be stuck in that horrible can. And honestly, I feel like the care that should be taken for you is just the same amount of care that the BAFTAs took to really carve out and make sure a really special place for everybody to feel comfortable in that room. Know what I think would be a really nice thing for us to do? A cause for us. Helmets for people who have to drive and ride in RAV4s. Honestly, that'd be nice. Helmets. And then if there was like a cork-like situation for their mouths. And it's not just silence. them. No. It's to protect their teeth when they bite on it. Yeah, for when the airbags come out because their airbags are all full of sand. This is Side Stories. My name is Henry Zebrowski. I'm sitting here with Ed Larson and we have re-adjudicated our opinion on the RAV4. You're welcome. You're welcome. And this has just been there's so many learning opportunities this week for growth. Yeah, we got all kinds of updates. And we took one. We did. I took it. Yeah, we are a better person. I'm better person. He is. I'm better person because I was in a RAV4. Also, I do want to say I'm sorry to Frederick Brennan. I slandered quite a bit right before he died. So he died. Of course, we talked about it. Oh my God, that guy? Yes, the creator of 8chan. The guy that did start life off in a bad way, but then did his best to pull the nose up and try to discourage young men from getting radicalized on the internet and did everything he could. Frederick Brennan, he passed. Oh! Yeah, he's dead. Wow! I can't believe you were just making fun of that guy. Yep, it's how it goes. Isn't it funny? And a bad not funny. It's actually not funny, and I'm sorry. It's not funny? No, no. And unfortunately, he did pass because, unfortunately, Peyton Manning did use him as a long ball. Oh, yeah. Me just trying to honestly hide my pain with laughter. Jeff Saturday used him, and then he, Jeff Saturday gave him to Peyton Manning. Thank you. That was Peyton Manning's center. Wow. Yeah, thank you. So again, sorry to that guy. And we got some updates. I think we got a couple updates that we can go in before the updates. Before the updates, we got normal updates. Hold your finger off that fucking trigger, Rob. You wait, your goddamn ass. They fucking charged the brother in the cruise ship murder. All right, so First of all, we want to say congratulations to the police. They finally got their man. So when we arrived last year, this is not just a plug for Crime Wave at C2.0. Not certainly not that. The cops are on the boat. Please, everyone jump off. Because guess what? No stepsister got strangled to death on Royal Caribbean that weekend. No, this is a carnival cruise activity. We know that that is what they do over there. Her life was in limbo. You got to be careful over there. So we now know that Anna Kempner, who was a lovely young lady, was on a carnival cruise, docked at the dock the same weekend. We docked after the crime wave at C-1.0. There were cops everywhere. There were cops everywhere. We didn't know what was going on. This young lady was murdered by, now they're accusing her stepbrother. And this is actually, it finally happened because they've been kind of tiptoeing around actually charging the younger brother. The funniest part about the story is the parents were all like, oh yeah, he did it. Everyone threw him under the bus. Everybody was like, oh, he's a fucking creepazoid. He was obsessed with her. Absolutely. Yeah. Then why, can I ask, did you make him a roommate on a carnival cruise? I want to say four out of the five brother scenarios involve stepbrothers and sisters on cruises. Honestly, this is like... And I think that that's like a... It was just not good to do. I mean, not everyone has enough money for multiple staterooms. I'm not saying this is not money. He sleeps with her in there or someone's coming into the parents' room. Or somebody else goes in there besides the stepbrother that is sexually obsessed with the stepsister. Was he sexually obsessed? I think he was just like meaner and beat her up all the time. That's what they said, but also that's how young boys flirt. Yeah. What I think happened. Ask the fucking Christian church. Ask the Catholic church. That's how young boys flirt. They're always fighting and kicking. That's how they're doing. That's how they say yes to a priest. I mean, this is a fucking crazy story. It's like everyone's goddamn nightmare. You're on vacation, and one of your family members gets killed by another family member. Oh, yes. It's fucking horrific. This is horrific. The woman working, the housekeeper found her. Yes. Because he strangled her to death, and allegedly strangled her to death and stuff, shoved her underneath the bunk. What I think happened is they were roughhousing, and he took it too far and accidentally killed her and then tried to hide her body. that's my personal like that's me putting my like stupid like i wasn't there detective glasses on no of course we have no idea what goes on but i do think that also or did he try to do something weird and then try to shut her up and killed her in the process of it man i don't know it ain't good it's not good either way guess where it didn't happen royal caribbean and that's where you're want to go to crime wave and see 2.0 because on our i'm telling you we're gonna control the true crime on our cruise yeah and we're gonna have cctv cameras on the carnival cruise ship so we can watch the crimes as they happen live stream crime from carnival cruises onto the absolutely idyllic perfect royal caribbean cruise line don't look them up in the epstein files no you don't look it up. No, don't look it up. But just know that there's, again, boats aren't enough to blame. Boats aren't to blame for islands. Boats have done as much good as they've done harm. Yes, ask the Lusitania. Ask the Monitor and the Merrimack. Ask the Titanic. They know. They know down in Dadyville. Ask the old Exxon Valdez. So go to crimewave at c.com slash left. Buy tickets. We're going to have so much fucking fun on this cruise, and I swear to God, the only stepbrothers and stepsisters we are going to allow to choke each other are the performers that we invite with us that play those family members on television. That's right. Yep. Television enemy pornography. And that's, you know, free. Another update. Austin, the yogurt shop murderers have been completely exonerated. It's kind of crazy that it took this long because now that one guy got booked who died. The guy that we know that did the Yogurtland murders, he was dead already because they did that with like, I think it was DNA science later on in the fact. But they did actually say I'm sorry to the OG guys. Well, how about they give them some fucking money? You know, it took 30 years of their goddamn life. You'd think that I know that now, like, it seems like complicated. There's like another like, you know, that guy, Eric Dane, that actor, they put a big GoFundMe after he died for his family and then we know... How much money did Vanderbeek get? Oh my God, it was James Vanderbeek got like several millions of dollars after they bought that ranch and after they did. We know that he's like his wife was like an alternative health person and that James Van Der Beek essentially dumped millions of dollars into alternative health things that could have cured. He had curable cancer and he ultimately died of it. It's really sad, but that's why I feel like with GoFundMes, maybe for people that aren't previously rich and famous. I think that this could be a good use for a GoFundMe. That would be an interesting... For those people. Yeah. If you were to do that. I'm not setting it up. No, I'm not setting it up. But somebody else could. I mean, these guys deserve money. They do. If you would give them money, I would. I mean, who knows? I'd throw down if someone set it up. Yeah, sure. I'd throw down at least 50 for these fuckers, but they should sue the government. We should. Oh, absolutely. If you have an opportunity to sue the government, always sue the government. Take it. It sucks that the taxpayers have to pay for it, but get yours, baby. Hey, man, who cares? It all fucking comes out of the washers. Fake money anyway. All the money's fucking ones and zeros in a fucking box. Money's not real. No, so I got to ask you about this, Henry. This is important before we get to our updates, and I just need your natural opinion. We do also have an update. An update. Oh, another update. Well, the other, the thing I have to ask you about is two presidents this week have said aliens are real. How do you feel about it? First of all, Barack Obama was being extremely flippant. When he said UFOs were real, he did it in the spirit of the stupid podcast he was on. He was trying to be fun and cool. And guess what he is? Ultimately a disappointing mess. Like, which is what we found, right? As a country, right? Remember, can we all be on the same page as that? And so Barack Obama said that UFOs were real. He did it very flippantly. He said aliens are real. He didn't say UFOs are real. No, he did. Yes, you're right. And then he rolled it all back afterwards saying, statistically, of course they would be real. And then he said they're not at Area 51. Which is, I know that. I knew that. Anybody who's plugged in knows that, Obama. I didn't know that. Because they're at Wright-Patterson. Right? Yeah. So then we have our- Do you believe Obama more than Bob Lazar? No. Really? You believe Bob Lazar more than Obama. If there was somebody who actually got closer to the whatever the fakery that is going on into the center of this, they let Bob Lazar much closer to it because it would only make the president sound like a moron. Yeah. Like literally they couldn't have him even know. They couldn't even know that we were spending millions of dollars creating technology that was just mimicking the visuals of UFOs even back then. Yeah. So he would even it wouldn't even matter. so now we have obviously our current president pedophile is now he's doing this new thing right another distraction i'm not even calling it a distraction anymore there is no distraction he's no there are no everybody really everything he does and says sucks it's just also he has no thought behind it yeah every single thing is off the back of his fucking head he's got dementia he is got nothing he has no idea what's going on so he has been openly floating saying he's like Well, I've got this speech saying aliens are real that I'm just waiting for the right time to say it. So he's like saying he's like floating it. But he also said that Obama released classified information because he has no literal idea what the living fuck he's talking about. It's because he's trying to generate a headline. No one's buying it. It makes me believe in less. Any single thing he'd say into a microphone is not going to answer anything. You really think he's going to say something of substance at this point? I mean, I feel like if anyone's going to release this information, it's Trump. No, it's not. It's the anything that he would release is something that has been carefully packaged and handed to him. You think so? Yes. You don't think he's just going to flippantly be like, oh, this is, you know, they're all gone or it doesn't exist. like anything that would really be like like that level that level like if you believe the ufo lore if we actually believe the big mother load lore yeah that we've had these things since the 1950s yeah we got some advances in technology we're starting to maybe make some things that look like ufos yeah i think we're at the same ground level we were fucking 70 years ago and i think that your guy you have a bunch of now the worst of the worst of the worst that are going to try to talk about one of the most powerful mysteries of our reality yeah we don't know how this reality works we don't know where we're at we don't know why they're the whole universe isn't filled with endless life we don't know why they don't know why he has no fucking idea what's going on Anything he'd say wouldn't matter. It makes me not care about disclosure one bit. This is literally, I just watched Jeremy Corbell and George Knapp just had a brand new great piece of UFO footage out of Syria, unweaponized. And it's, I watch it. You could actually see the thing. You can see this thing go stop. You could see it go back and forth. You could see takeoff. It's a really good footage. And it don't quite make me as hard as it used to. Yeah, what do you think's going on? Just because it's because the world's on fire. It's not that otherwise it's that it's making me understand what are the mysteries actually here and what are the important mysteries and the important mysteries are you just coming out and trying to just say something about aliens like obviously is just such a deep smoke screen for whatever's going on. Yeah. And he's just going to say the smokescreen and doesn't matter. And the fact that he is got this in his back pocket and he's flippantly talking about it like it's deciding whether or not there's going to be a season three of a television show also shows just how important this is to them. OK, so we should really also think about that. If he has the speech and he's waving it around, threatening to give it. How important is that speech? Yeah, obviously not, because he already told us all he has it because he's a fucking moron. And isn't Obama making an alien documentary? He's doing anything but helping. He's literally anything but anything useful as an ex-president. He'll do. What? Dude. All right. So. But yeah, that's my problem. That problem makes me upset. I think that the very center of this is a mystery that we will never explain. And I think we can shelve it for a couple of years. Wow. I think that at this point, what we are seeing is evidence of every single piece of conspiracy theory thought that has been ridiculed, that has been put out. And we are now watching in real time be exposed. And nothing is more important than that story. Yeah. And with that, we're going to get our FJs. Yeah, baby. Hit our fucking music. My favorite song. It's an island adventure. It's an island adventure. Heck yeah, it's Jeffrey time. Oh my God. So I made it through about a half an hour of Les Wexner's deposition. Oh, this is what you want to start with. So this fucking piece of fucking shit, I have never, oh my God, Natalie heard me in the other room. I'm just watching this. Apparently not very good at keeping a secret. Dude. Oh my God. So I'm in the room. I sound like I'm at the BAFTAs, right? I'm just yelling at my screen. I'm just sitting here. I'm watching him talk and I'm just going, motherfucker, motherfucker. You know, like it's over and over again. Like I need a documentary made about me. Yeah. Not enough laughter at the BAFTA. Right? why so serious and so i went and i i i'm cursing at this motherfucker les wexner he has this ability now i'm seeing this thing and i nothing that makes me angrier than when an old man that he's he goes from he wants he's when he leaves that deposition room which also had members of they were supposed to have members of congress right none of the republicans showed up They sent all their assistance. Four Democrats showed up, I guess just because they had nothing to do. I don't know. Right? They were there. I feel like the Democrats should be busy and the Republicans should be there. Whatever. It's not the most important story of the century or anything. Oh, yeah. Who fucking knows? You fucking idiots. So Les Wexner is getting talked at by these guys. And all he does is he goes from the most powerful billionaire, right? He talks about it one way when you see him on the news. Yeah. And he goes in there. He is the most. Oh, shucks. I couldn't even tell you what Jeffrey was doing. You don't have that type of money to enact like that. That mother fucking liar lied through his teeth. He's laughing, joking about what's going on. He openly says, I don't think Trump and Epstein were friends. He said he never knew Epstein personally. Every single time they brought up an email that said, like, here's him saying stuff like you and I are embedded together in a crime organization and we need to act like it. like literally saying out loud, he kept going, I don't know what he's referring to in these. I don't know what he's talking about in this. Just the most, just like, I can't even, I kind of talked about like, he's like, so what happened when you, when you found out that Jeffrey Epstein was stealing money from you, they were trying to find out like a dollar amount and he wouldn't give it to him. It's always like, oh, you know, everything went into chaos when we found out Jeffrey was a crook. And it's like, they just are. And what we know that they enforced, Les Wexner forced the farmer girl, The girl that was kidnapped and kept on the Columbus grounds where Les Wexner house was where he allowed Jeffrey Epstein to live next to his house where she was kept captive and then was forced to change her driver license to the address of Les Wexner house That seems like hard evidence Right? But he looked at it and he's just like, never happened. Don't know these people. Don't know what's going on. Just managed to delete everything. And then we have the very famous moment where his lawyer, Michael Levy, says, if you answer another question with more than five words, I'm going to fucking kill you. And the thing is funny enough is that that obviously just the clip alone is so deeply enraging. Right. Even just watching them joking about how funny and cute it is. In that moment, he was talking about how Epstein gave financial advice to Google. Well, that's when he was throwing it. That was the one time he threw people under the bus. He threw Jeff Bezos under the bus. He threw Google under the bus and he threw Bill Clinton under the bus. Those are the only three names he dared mention. Right. Yeah. They're all coming for Clinton because Clinton actually did cut him off in 2008. But I will say I was listening. This is one of those things that all comes together in ways you don't understand. So part of what I do to shut my brain off and the crowd knows this is you just keep watching Epstein files. I know. But like, so I've been also trying to cut off my body cam footage. I'm trying to like so unfortunately I do. I listen to old Howard Sterns to just kind of delete my brain. Right. And I found a bunch of archives of the complete episodes. And I listened to them to just sort of relax. I watched this fun documentary about elephants stepping on landmines. Go ahead. Yep. Oh, so what happens? They lose their legs and they get prosthetics. It's actually very... Are you laughing about this? Is it funny for you? It's funny talking about it now with you. But the documentary itself is very upsetting. Yeah. Well, of course. but in 2003 they were like offhandedly talking about bill clinton doing this thing with it was ping pong balls i mean basically it was him talking about like they were all talking about how he was working with this young recent high school graduate that won this like science award it was like 19 years old and they kept talking about how he was like all over her and he was like touching her and like doing all the kind of stuff and you can kind of see like oh yeah there's that rapist do you think you thought she was maybe you thought she was a saxophone who knows i mean she was gold and very gold but i made it through about an hour of the les wexner stuff and then i jumped to clips and it's so deeply irresponsible and basically what it comes out is is that he is obviously he's the the simplest old man aw shucks just he's just a businessman yeah all shucks he only like made lingerie the most popular item he also uh was very obviously a closet he's a closet homosexual that is i thought he was out no because he's desperately in love with his wife oh okay because all he does is hide behind his wife it's like i know people marcus was even getting on me about that about even saying that it's just more just the only reason why even bring it up that about him is you're watching him hide behind his wife because he keep the whole time he's like well my wife would have had nothing to do with that and he keeps doing this thing like his wife kept him out of trouble that's what all these motherfuckers are doing and that's why fucking Ghislaine's the only one in prison Ghislaine's a fucking she's gonna when she gets out of jail I don't know what she's gonna do but it's it's gonna be bad I think that whatever we need to keep more than close eyes on Ghislaine I also have gotten a lot of feedback because honestly people were like, why are you mispronouncing Pam Bondi's name? Truly, I had no interest in learning it. And when I first, I never, you guys have to understand guys, is that I am It's what they deserve. I'm new to actually reading the news news. Yeah. Right? I don't, the news news is not something I normally had to pay attention to. I very rarely even cared about who was the district attorney and all these fucking people because I was a piece of shit. We need to be going back to Buffalo Wild Wings being able to sell boneless wings under the name Boneless. Yes. That's our territory. That was my territory. We're not going to be able to get to that today. So I'm learning about this. I'm learning things. So now I know her. I know that cunt's name is Pam Bondi. Alright? And I hope she gets torn apart by dogs. Yes. So that's it. Right from your grave. This is all just to try to add more mystery because people don't or actually don't want to talk about the real stuff like how Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell went to the very, very high end and basically were one of the main donors for about a decade of this very, very fancy private academy called Interlochen, which is where Chapel Roan went. I want you guys to remember this, too. This is one of those little things that you forget. Yeah. As people, right, Eddie and I were talking about this just in this this sphere about how we're lucky. few chance saying no kept us out of really bad places because you felt like a feeling about a guy now that you now know was on the Epstein list you didn't hang out with him right? It's weird right? How like all these things are all connected. Interlochen is one of those places where if you ever wonder why a starlet appears out of nowhere right? Like you wonder why Taylor Swift was given to us was packaged. She had like she like showed up at some big Hollywood party and like played guitar as she was walking down the stairs. She had a song written. A song was given to her. She wrote the whole, she came down. It was a whole thing. Jennifer Lawrence was given to us. Was created, right? She's great. There's nothing wrong. Just remembering that every single time you are one of you at one of these elite things, you actually do have quite a potential to rub up against some of the most fucking despicable people on the face of the planet because money seems to bring them. Yeah. Harvey Weinstein was at all the same events as Jeffrey Epstein while they were both donating to Democrats. Yes, where you know that they were on the other side and they did that to fucking cover up for themselves. So Interlochen, the Interlochen Center for the Arts, is this amazing, idyllic, now I guess it's about 100 years old, it's outside of Traverse City, and it has a large amount of celebrity, all these celebrities kind of came out of it. There's a lot of people that went and trained there. Chaperone was one. I just kind of brought it up, the fact that like you just be surprised who gets if you get to the right places who has access to you what people want to go to juilliard of course it's because it's there it's like there's and it has a pipeline there's like a thing you're you're getting involved harvard in an institution jeffrey epstein did the same thing so he would go and he like so he gave them he donated this building to Interlochen. And then from, I guess it was... It's called Zorro Ranch. Oh, God, I wish. I wish. And from 94 and 2000, he would go and stay at Interlochen with Gislein. And then what they would do is they would walk a little dog, a little Yorkshire Terrier, and they would walk and they would find a freshman and they would talk to him and they'd get to know him and they'd bring him out to the private house, start to groom him, happened many, many, many times. Of course, the school said we never had any complaints. Yeah. Which is, you know, mostly just because the thing is, is that what you don't understand is that in order for them to have a complaint, they have to receive the complaint and then enter it into some form of book. They have to care about it. They have to say it's a complaint. So what they can do is say they didn't get any complaints, even though we have one mother, basically, there's one man, had a whole crusade against Jeffrey Epstein. Right? During all this. At Interlochen? While this was happening. And they hushed it all up. Right? He gave 400 grand to the place over a decade. They now disavowed him. They took his names off of everything. Obviously, if that makes sense. They should give back the money. They have a... Hmm. They should send the money back to Jeffrey Epstein's estate. Or donate it to fucking people or child people who were... Some kind of... It's hard, right? Because I do understand. And they are, what they're doing is, is manipulating places that are in desperate need of money. Yeah. These high, high end. They have access to younger people. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And so he, they need the money. And so he, Jeffrey Epstein, probably the single most effective pedophile network organizer, maybe ever since the old days. Oh, yeah. Right? Like, he put his fingers. He's the Viacom. He put his fingers in all these great industries that he could manipulate very easily with his tremendous amount of cash that he got from who? Les Wexner. That's how it all started. And lots of other people. None of this is possible without Les Wexner. He did start it all. None of this is possible without him. When Epstein was down and out, he was staying at Wexner's house. Yes. And also, that was one thing. Look into that. There's a whole NPR stuff on it. It's fucking wild on Interlochen. But the main piece of news. Yeah, the big one. They got old boy. Oh, Landy. I was so sad. The day that our episode came out, they finally arrest Andrew Montbattam Windsor, formerly known as Prince. They arrested his fat, sweaty ass. And they brought him in for a couple hours for the very first time. How is his neck fatter than his head? Because that's where the food stays. He, uh, he, I, didn't it was like the first person, uh, what was it? The first person arrested, first royal arrested, I think since 1674. As soon as I saw that he was arrested, I was like, fuck this, this could have been a thousand years ago since the last time a prince was arrested. Dude, we are now seeing the UK actually gives a sort of shit, right? They are. Well, they released him. They got, they, well, they, cause he's probably, God knows what he said. Now it's all about what, what can we get? What, what's the evidence? He's like, you better kill me cause I know too much shit. all the evidence is gone either way all the evidence is gone at this point it doesn't matter what did come out was my favorite piece was his 72 teddy bears so prince andrew the not pedophile keeps an entire collection of little teddy bears dressed as navy men each one is so particular that um they are uh that he was he was so enraged to be downgraded from his home to the farm that they put him at, right? Because one of the big reasons is he said, I don't know if my bears can handle the move. Oh, see, the thing is you can have 72 teddy bears, you just can't care about them. This guy, well, he's... And this has to be something, because I have 10 stuffed animals, full disclosure. You like, yeah, that's... I got 10 stuffed animals. You're a cute guy. Yeah. I enjoy it. You're a cute guy. I mean, half of them are orcas. Yeah. And people give them to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't buy him i bought a couple i bought the doodong i like the doodong and i bought the like so you're saying that it's like cocaine that it's okay as long as you don't buy it yes yeah okay yeah so he was uh the sarah talked about like he's just disgusting he's just another example of a disgusting piece of shit and we now there's some talk so as we know that the russians taught epstein a skill of putting cameras in kleenex boxes so that was like one of the things that he would do That fucking blows. And there was some talk about whether or not. So Andrew used to go through with a fine tooth comb with his help to make sure that they were all properly organized by size and shape. And they had to be done. It would take hours for them to do it properly. The teddy bears? Yes. I mean, what else are they doing? He had two people. They got to do something. Organize the teddy bears again. I don't know. Fucking knows. Who fucking knows? I wish I had someone to go through my DVDs. I know, I'm telling you about it. I know, it's someone to fix my tire pressure. These guys, like, it is just, he's just such a fucking pervert, and they might kick him, kick him out. But they've got to put him in prison. They didn't even get him on the child shit. That was the part that fucked me up the most. They got him on espionage. Yeah. So they have him dead to rights on information that he sent to Epstein about financial moves that the fucking royals were doing so that he could get in on it. It's the definition of insider trading. And so he Prince Andrew, they didn't, of course, because they don't they don't got them. It's it's it's sad out there, ladies. We know that it's extremely sad out there for women in order for them to. This is what we were saying. This is why Kash Patel or that fucking moron. That's the reason why he said there was nothing to go on is because there is literally no video of Trump's face next to a newspaper with his penis entering into a child. Like there is no that. And even that wouldn't necessarily. It's like they that's what they're saying. Yeah. In terms of there's no quote unquote smoking gun because it's extremely difficult, as we know, to litigate and do sexual assault for regular people. Never mind for that. Because it's like because they hold this burden of proof. Like it's just like fucked up. A woman gets raped, has to go deal with an extreme physical search. You have to go up inside. You do all this. You get a rape kit done. The rape kit takes hours. Yes. And then it just sits. And then they just go. And so I think that it's going to be a. They're not going to get. We're not going to get the justice we want. Jeffrey Epstein being dead is the closest thing we got. I mean, someone's got to go down. I mean, Adia just quit. You know, lots of people are fucking. And Cunt Bondi just said straight up, that's what I'm going to call her. Cunt Bondi basically just said, we're not, they're done. We're done. Well, they're done for now until the fucking shit switches over and then we arrest her ass first. Well, show me a Democrat with a spine and I will show you and I might think. How many people from Trump's first term went to prison? I don't even know the number. It's got to be 20. Yeah, it doesn't matter. It's going to happen again. They're all going to get locked up except for him. Then they get released again. Then they get released. And then everybody goes, good game. And Democrats and Republicans go, good game, everybody. And walk away. And Peter Thiel just gives a bunch of money to fucking advance. To everybody. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To everybody. These people can be fucking... People suck my fucking dick. Well, you know, I'm angry. Yeah. But I'm trying to figure out how to be funny about it. So do you think Andrew's going to get any time or anything? No. You don't think for the espionage, nothing? No. I think that what he will get, hopefully, is an opportunity to kill himself in jail. That is what I think. I think that he's going to get an opportunity to off himself. He is legitimately such a... He is a massive liability. Yes. King Charles is trying to figure out what to do, but King Charles is going to be dead soon. and I think that his waste of space panty boy son is also gonna not is gonna shit the bed. Well he's gonna be king. Yeah well guess what good that's done. I thought they had power. They didn't do jack shit. So they're gonna again another group of fake ass people gonna ask my fucking D. Where's Al Franken? Al Franken's done dude. He broke unfortunately. I know. I wish he didn't but he definitely broke. We gotta find out. Who cares man? Honestly all I know is I think Jesse Ventura's still yelling. I definitely believe that Peter Buttigieg is going to lead the whole guillotine of the whole government. Don't worry. That brave man is absolutely going to step to the entire pedophile ring. Can we just make sure we're giving Bernie the same drug cocktail that we're giving Trump? Like, can we just make sure he stays alive? If you gave Bernie Sanders speed, he'd die. He has to be at Vermont speed. That's as fast as he can go. Cheese is all he could take. He's already had his moment. I have no idea how he's still alive. I have no idea how he's still alive. He's older than all of them. I just... We need a new batch. We do need a new batch. We could use a couple. We need all of them new. Step up, you fucks. Who? All right. I don't know. Maybe your sister. Speaking of... Jackie Zabrowski. She will be a guest here on Side Stories. Here she comes. We are recording this. Jackie's got her little baby smasher in there. Her little baby thrusher. Catch her. More than a smasher. Catch and release. No, I ain't releasing them. I ain't releasing them. Is your baby lawnmower diesel? Of course it is. Don't use leaded gasoline. Then it'll set on fire. Honestly, it's good old-fashioned propane. You can also grill some meats on top of the lips if you want. Clean burn. This is Jackie Zabrowski, my sister. She is talking about her UD. Yes, and you might know her from LPN Romanticy and Page 7. Who's the bitch? Who is the bitch? I'll tell you who the fucking bitch is. Is it you? It's me. Yeah. Yeah, because I voted this year. You voted this year? Yeah, I have. How? What? I had an old ballot. I filled it out. I just filled it out willy-nilly. That is really going to help. No, I save my I voted stickers and wear them on random days just to, like, confuse people. Just to scare people. What did I do? What did I make sure of? First of all. Also, did you wear this Mariah Carey shirt for me? Oh, I love my Mariah Carey shirt. Wow, it's really. Yeah, we got it at the show. I like this shirt because. Her breasts. I like wearing a pantsless. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it looks like I'm Mariah Carey and then it's just my balls are hanging out. Is that what Julie says? Oh, my God, Mariah. How did you get in here? Yeah, yeah. All right, now. Mariah, your balls have gotten so big. Thank you. I draw nipples on the balls. Let's pause here now and allow Jackie her time. The reason why Jackie is here today. She's reclaiming her time. Yes. She is actually here to plug something that's not on the network go. Yes. And I'm not talking about plugging up this hole on the bottom or plugging up this hole up top. Unless that's what you're into, you should give Slashfic a try. And while that sounds like you're going to be putting whatever you've got inside of my holes, Well, the answer is yes. In a way. In a way. Are you plugging the project? I am. Slash fic, check it out. It is a dating sim game where you can have sex with slashers that are based on different IPs. So I, my character. So not like serial killers, not real serial killers. No, I mean, they are. It's like there's leather. There's a Mike who's based off of Michael Myers. But there's no like Dahmer. No, no, no, no, no, no. Only, you know, IP killers. Oh, that's fun. So my, yeah, so they're these big, sexy guys. And now we've got Slash Fit Cuffing Season, which is the second part of this. And I'm coming in. My name is Penny. I am a Harlequin clown. I am based off of Pennywise. And I can know your deepest fears. Is there like a Jason who's like really fat and stupid and all the kids fuck with him? No, no, no, no. They're all just really hot. You just really want to. In fact, I didn't. Is he like a hockey player, Jason? Not in this. This is a heated rivalry crossover waiting to happen. My question is, did they get this passed by all these various copyright boards? No, because that's the thing. It's an illusion. That's why I'm Penny and I look nothing like Pennywise. Honestly, I'm really excited for you to enter into the world of video games. This is something you have been obsessed with for a very long time. I love dating games. I've been playing dating games for so long. And I have been wanting to voice a character in one of these games. And honestly, what's really cool about this company is that it's a woman owned. Get your balls up, woman owned. It is woman owned. And they are trying to have the creators keep their IP. So a lot of the money goes directly to the creators. It is funded by the creators. It's for the creators. In fact, I am now currently working on my own cryptid fuck game so that we can start banging cryptids. Wow. That's great. I love it. You know, Jackie loves coding. Yes. So, well, you know, she's down deep in the barrels of coding. Is just she just Penny's a chick. Yeah. Oh, yes. I know. I was like, but Jackie's playing her. Yeah. That's what I thought. That was weird. Is that why would you have an amorphous blob play a woman? The picture's up. Rob pulled up the picture up there. So I've got this like cat mask on and I'm they wanted me to be a bit of like a really insane Southern Belle. and so you either get fucked by the slasher or you get killed by us I love it So you one or the other And where can they find it They can find it on the app Dorian Get the app Dorian and all of it is free And you can now then, like, as you're playing the game, you can give your money directly to the creators for the crazier scenes. Oh, cool. So there's full titties. Just say the words. There's more. Are there titties when you fuck priests? Are there titties and dicks in it? There's not titties and dicks in it, But it is very it is written for us. Romant to see lovers out there and is very fun. Honestly, a lot of female identifying and queer people that are writing beautiful stories where I had no idea that I wanted to be called a piggy piggy by Leatherface. You know, it's a term of endearment. And I'm sick of people making an insult. How does Julie find it when you call her? Do you say quiet piggy to Julie? We love our piggy talks. Julie doesn't mind it at all. I am not recommending this to any other husband. Julie understands my love of piggy, and she knows that when I say piggy, it is a compliment. It's a compliment to her. Because pigs are smart. I call my wife. She's smarter than a fucking toddler. I'll tell you that much. Absolutely. I call my wife a woman. Yeah. How about Krampus? As you should. Krampus should have been a woman for periods. Oh, why? Kramps. It's cramps. Oh, because the cramps. Yeah. I don't. I didn't even think that. Honestly, I haven't had a cramp in like 10 years, so I don't know what it's like down there anymore. Yeah, she has a cramp. We started talking about the IUD. Oh, wow. It comes full circle, guys. That's amazing. That's amazing. I didn't realize it did more than that. Yeah, it zaps it all away. Wow. Well, now we have the positive plug out of the way. Yes. And now it's time for you to enter into the world of side stories because I'm sick of all the positivity you've been talking about up until this point. I am over it. I do a lot of positivity as well. I know. On the brighter side. Sick. And done with it. So you're upset with both of us. No, I'm just saying it's time to bring you both down a peg. All right. All right. So we got this first great story today. You talked about falling in love and what it's like getting out there dating. But no one ever really talks about the perils of marriage. I feel like that's a good thing that nobody really talks about. Marriage, you know, you're married now, Jackie. I am married. I like the Sheryls of marriage. Well, you know, it's a lot of Sheryls in marriage. If Sheryl's not being a big old bitch. Yeah, it sounds like you're stepping out with Cheryl. But the one thing you know, one thing you could take to the bank is that you don't actually know your partner. Never. The person you're sleeping next to is a labyrinth of mirrors. Someone that you'll never really even know. Even if they are a previous American Idol contestant. Whoa. Put the dog down. No, I can't. I can't hold Jim. No, you're being distracted. I can't hold Jim while we're having a story. You're being distracted. Look how sad he is. Get out. Look at this little guy. You're going to yell at him like that? He did this to me earlier. Champ gets numbers. You kidding me? This is for the Netflix crowd. I forgot. Yeah, this is for Netflix. We're fluffing it. Yeah, what are you talking about? Champ's good. Look how sad he is. Apologize to him. Apologize to Champ. I'm sorry, Champ. Thank you. Well, anyway, let's talk about this. Do you watch American Idol? No, I don't. You don't? No, I've never watched American Idol. I watched Dancing with the Stars this year for the first time, though. I did, too. It was surprisingly enjoyable. Delightful. What an absolute delight watching that Robert Irwin just... But did Robert Irwin kill his fucking family? I think not. He didn't even kill the stingray. And that sucks. He respected it. He should have fucking got revenge for his father. He should have been every day. Cookie-cuttering their fucking wings. He should wake up every day and stomp a stingray to death. I think on the side of his boat, he should have a stamp. Every time he kills a stingray, a stingray with a line through it. You're right. He's a pussy. Does it rip its guts out when it stings you? Did the stingray at least have the guts ripped out like the bees? No, it doesn't do work like that. It's not the same? It just stabbed the heart with the barb. It's an assassin. Yeah. A quiet assassin. That is in petting zoos. Yes, speaking of a quiet assassin. Oh, you're talking about champ? So this guy by the name of, he's a cute guy, cute guy. He is by the name of Caleb Flynn. He is a pastor. And he is a former American Idol contestant. Let's hear his interview over on American Idol. Okay. Rob. He's going to start playing the guitar for me. That's exactly what he does. My name is Caleb Flynn. I'm from Tip City, Ohio. I auditioned because everybody says music is all I know. It's what I live to do, and I love to sing, so that's why I auditioned. Maybe my wife kind of nudged me a little bit, too. My first thought when I got my golden ticket, honestly, all I could do was cover my face because I cried a little bit. I'm kind of a crybaby. I get it from my mom and my dad. But it was honestly just pure joy, excitement. I tried out for American Idol two or three years ago, and I didn't make it. And so to get this was all the more sweeter and all the more meaningful. So it was awesome. The person that inspires me to be informer, I guess, would say the Lord. I'm a music pastor. And so that's my job every week is to go up there and to sing and to connect. what I do on stage at the congregation. So first and foremost, obviously, is the Lord. The thing that makes me unique, you know, I absolutely love the Lord. I love my wife. She is very, very pretty. Do you call her a piggy? Cut! Yeah, get rid of this guy. Send him back to the Lord that made him. There's a good chance that happens. I will say, I do think that he did that to his own wife. So he said he loved his wife. And, you know, that means he means it. He killed her a little too much. So we did one of my favorite things in true crime is when a man calls in and tells the 911 operator exactly how he murdered the person. But in a third. Oh, as if somebody else had done it. So he calls and the first thing he goes is, yeah, I need an ambulance. Like, well, what's the problem here, sir? And he's like, my wife is shot three times in the head. Oh, my God. Oh, sir. He's like, it's so much chaos. Three separate shots in the head. I don't know how. And they're like, are the kids still in the house? He's like, yes, yes. The murderer might still be in there. And they're like, oh, my God. Do you think that the kids are OK? And he's like, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, the kids are OK. Oh, sure. Didn't even pretend to check on him, did Brett? No, none of it. And so he does one of those. Wow, he looks a lot different post-murder of his wife. Yeah, he's got what we call school bus head. Well, now that 13 years have passed since he was on American Idol, I think the issue is that what we're seeing here is age. Yeah, and that the Lord abandoned him finally. What I do like is that as he got older, his hair concentrated on a more pinpoint part of his skull. Yeah, he looks like a conehead. He looks like he's becoming a conehead. He's mid-transformation. Maybe that's why he killed her. He never got out of Tip City. Never left Tip City. Still never got out. Staying in there. He never gave the whole thing just slightly in there, then right back out. Jackie, do you remember? Do you ever watch Worst Cooks on Food Network? Yeah. First of all, the Ann Burrell story is harrowing. Oh, devastating. Absolutely devastating. I have no idea what you're talking about. Oh, Ann Burrell, somebody I loved on Food Network has now died by suicide. The most hardcore non-lesbian lesbian you've ever seen in your life. It's very sad. She had a hair like a fucking napalm tsunami. And she was quite a leader on the Food Network show, Worst Cooks. You liked her breasts, didn't you? No, she's gross. Oh, okay. But I mean that in a respectful way. I mean that in a respectful way. She's not gross. It's not like she's going to be right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. She's not gross. She's not my type. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everybody. That was my bathroom. Everybody's upset. It's fine. I'm Tourette's. I am Tourette's. All right? And I need you to understand that. That's what makes you such a great host. Yes, I am Tourette's. It's hard. And we should be thanked for allowing him to run this network. My disability makes me special and fun. Unlike the BBC, we have an editor. Yes, we do. We do. Two of them. Oh, God. Good Lord. But Ann Burrell, so she was found in a cascade of pills, dead in her shower. And they just now released that there was a suicide note. She had kept a suicide journal. And then do you remember that also from Worst Cook? Suicide journal? Yes. Where she had kept a separate document where she was writing all of her sad thoughts in. All of her thoughts. Extremely sad. It really fucked up. It's very sad. But it also on Worst Cooks. I'm totally against journaling, right? That's the problem. Journaling's the problem. I know how many people we know that have gotten, someone read their journal and they had to break up with their significant other. Well, it's because you shouldn't be reading the journal. You shouldn't be reading their journals. I know, but the person who, it's always the person who wrote the journal is wrong. Ed has to rest. This is the problem, though, is that I remember, I'll never forget when mom came into my room after having read my journal and she wrote, if you don't want someone to know something, never write it down. I was like, that's not... Yeah, what is this, La Cosa Nostra? I was like, it's just my high school diary. Journals are evidence. I love that Rob immediately brought up the diary of Anne Frank. It's not a journal, it's a diary. It's a diary of Anne Frank. Let's get back to something. It's Kenny. I always wanted to talk about also from Worst Cooks, that lady that killed her child that won Worst Cooks in season two. She killed her child? She killed her child. Food poisoning. No. My question is, Jackie, what is it with reality television show people and true crime? Because they're not real celebrities. They're just fucking shoved into a celebrity. Yes, Jackie. They don't have to earn it. I'm sorry. Ask the woman. Think about, honestly, think about the stunt casting of the show Chicago, right? It's being infamous. is the idea that Roxy Hart is always oftentimes brought in to be played by a celebrity. Why are you making this face at me? That's a big jump into Chicagoland. Why don't we take that to Chicago? Well, it's because on page seven, we've been talking about Whitney from Secret Lives of Mormon Wives is playing Roxy Hart, but she's not the first time a Roxy Hart is like Pam Anderson has played her. Yeah, they've stunt cast it. But the reason why they stunt cast that specific is because of the, especially with like reality television stuff like that. It's the idea of being infamous. Why was Renee Zellweger in the Oscar winning film? Because she won Oscars to do it. After the fact. Yeah, that was. But she knew what she was going to go get. It should have been Lisa Marie Presley. She can't pick her anymore. She's dead. Well, yeah, back in the day. Oh, she was alive then. I think she was too old then by then to play her. What, is she going to play up against Catherine Zeta-Jones? Catherine Zeta-Jones was like 65 years old in that film. No, she wasn't. She's not even 65 now. No, she looks fabulous now. I'm sorry, I forgot. I'm sorry, Henry. I apologize. Becoming famous no matter what. I think there is that part of, even in, you look at a Whitney from Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, that she was straight up like, oh, you want me to be the villain in this show so that I can get on Broadway? She's openly said, I will like keep giving me the villain edits. I'll keep being this bitch if it means I'm going to have a career after this. And so that's kind of how they spun it. And so how should we kill these people? Do they sing 25 or six to four? Chicago? Yeah, they throw the big band version of Chicago. That's through the, you know, the halftime. We both reach for the gun. We both reach for the gun. More saxophone. Yes. All right, so I guess you could say that. Dr. Zeta-Jones was approximately 31 to 33 years old during the production of Chicago. Approximately. Approximately. Approximately. So that would put her in her late 50s. If you have to put her age as approximately during a time period, there is some doubt. She's got secrets. Of course. And don't bring this up in front of Mariah Carey. Mariah Carey has pretended to not have a birthday for many, many years. Oh, no. Mariah Carey was forged. Yeah. She was not born. Mariah Carey was forged by natural water. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that was like the movement of water. Corn by the stone. Oh, yeah. Yes. So what's your advice for this guy? Oh, well, sounds like he already took care of his problem. The main problem was that he put the three bullets in her head and didn't save any for the kids. Because now he's got to go be a single father. Slash fic. You know? The game is coming out. You got to go to Dorian the App. Slash fic. Dorian the App. Also, if you're listening to this on Wednesday and if you happen to be in L.A., check out the Ripped Bodice because your wife and I are going to be doing a Monsters Against Ice show. It's pro-monster fucking as long as those monsters are not a member of ICE. Oh! So 100% of the donations go towards Churla as well. What about the Epstein list? What about it? I think that your wife is doing enough work on the Epstein list in some of her other things. I sometimes wonder if we're in the Epstein list, but like walking around inside of it like it's the back rooms. That's how Natalie and I are right now. Yes. That we just sort of kiss. Finding the monsters. We talk about what we just read in a separate room. You know, some different variance crime. So Natalie goes from the Epstein list to like straight up fucking monsters. Yes. And then you expect to have normal conversations with her? We don't. No, no, no, no, no, no. I don't expect to have. What? What do you mean? It's been very crazy because I recently I was watching the process of my husband's mother die. And during all of this, I've been listening to these. From top to bottom, soup to nuts. Oh, yeah. You watch it. It started at the hair. By the time I got to the toes, I was like, she's dust. But I've been listening to these just monstrous. monster and like these this like people are getting railed by 12 foot basilisks and then i'm holding my husband as he's crying and i'm just listening to this and you know the dichotomy of life isn't it beautiful it really is and speaking of the dichotomy of life there's so many ways for us to try to get back to nature yes you know you love monster fucking yes and we've been talking about monster yeah i do and it's really hard because i feel like we've been separated from nature by technology. You're right. We've been separated from our natural instincts. Yeah. And I think that's why it's really good to have you here to talk about the Kentucky man that was found covered in fur after he was allegedly caught having sex with a deer's corpse. Now, when you say covered in fur, are we talking he glued it to himself? I don't think it was that organized. Okay. I think he skinned a deer. Oh. Put on its fur. And then fucked its skinless corpse. Ellen Osborne. Oh, the same one. Didn't go out to find another deer? You know, it's surprisingly not that much information in this article. And for that, I want to say, shame on you, Local 12. Get more information. Shame on you, WKRC. I have so many questions. We already have a cover-up happening from the very tippity-top of the government all the way on down. and you don't want us to know whether or not he got the hair separate from the deer's corpse. He was fucking. Yes, he was covered in fur. For all we know, it's dog fur. To be honest, he's fucking an intact dead deer, but I don't think that's what it was. He also could just be Polish Italian. Oh, I mean, if you saw me fucking a dead deer and I also happen to be covered in dirt. Let's just posit this, right? Because right now it seems to be the big issue is, is that someone saw him covered in fur. That would seem to be the big issue, right? They saw him fucking a corpse on the side of the road. They called the cops. They got him. At first, it was this whole big idea that he was covered in fur. But now I'm starting to think, if I was dirty, right, in a ditch, I'm in a retention pond, I'm fucking a deer corpse, right? I'm covered in brown hair. Okay. If I'm already covered in brown, brown, brown hair, right? If I get slathered with dirt, it's very possible you would think I'm covered in fur. Yeah. And fucking the thing. Right. So the thing is very possible. Looking at the man himself, I think that Alan Osborne might have touchback hair. So you're saying you're triggered by this? No. That you feel that if you were... No, he could have not been covered in hair. He could have not been covered in fur is what you're saying. I'm commiserating and being a Sherlock Holmes. Okay. That's what you're doing. I'm unpacking. You know, do you think that the that the sheriffs, the people of this fine county, do you think that they think it's better if he was pretending to be a deer fucking the other deer that they're like, we got to let everybody know he's covered in fur because, like, at least he thought he was a deer fucking another deer. That's very optimistic of you. And I like that way of look, that way of thinking. Thank you. Yeah, I actually think that they like the idea that he's covered in fur. Because this might be a big jump, literally. But they're like, furries. That's them's furries. That's them's furries. They're pretty scurries. They're scurries. And in their head, they're immediately like, oh my God, San Francisco. San Francisco's here. San Francisco's here ruining our edible roadkill. They're coming down here. No, that roadkill was for it. That was for it. for stew. But that man, he made it dirty. He made it dirty. He dirtied it up. He put his Kamala Harris juice in it. It's his Kamala Harris juice. It's his Kamala Harris juice. He does look ashamed. I will say that. He got caught. His eyes are down. I think he's just kind of tired. He's not looking straight into the camera. I'm like, yeah! That'd be awesome. If he was looking in the camera with a $10,000 watt smile, like full, like if he had full, like veneers. Veneers, yes. Actually, this is a perfect time to bring this up. This is a part of our Monster Fucker show because there is a dog shifter in the world of Sookie Stackhouse. Thank God. He is a hot guy regularly. He's just like the owner of this bar. But then she started seeing this collie at night. And then she started noticing all these pregnant dogs around town. Hold on. He's a were-lassy? So he's a, yes, he's a were-lassy. It's all the animal fucking stuff I just don't like. My question for you, though, is he a, does he have a human brain when he's a dog, like if he's in his dog form, does he still have a human brain? And so it's the human brain choosing to fuck other dogs? Or is it a dog's brain so he has no control over it? It's a dog's brain. There's no way another man with a normal brain is trying to fuck dogs unless he's thinking that the dogs are attractive when he's a man. How does he shift back into being a human if he has a dog's brain? Because it's his job. Because the whole thing switches back. It's a where Lassie. How does he understand it better? Lassie at night, man during the day. He understands nothing. But that's not even the case. He shifts at will. I know. You're right. You're right. Thank you. I'm sorry. Thank you. I think he's a fucking pervert and he should be arrested. Well, this is what I was saying. Of course. There are times that you are supposed to be attracted. to this character in the book, and I'm like, I can't be because in my head, he's a dog that fucks other dogs. This is the thing. Again, get this off the screen, Rob. Get that off the screen. The devil inside her. Get off the screen. It's just a dog in there. This is my problem, right? Is it anything involving dog penises makes me want to put a gun in my fucking mouth. And the idea of this being... Oh man, my new boy, his little penis came out for the first time. he had such a good day chop him off what was he looking at Julie chop it off we're cutting his nuts off but I was happy I think it's showing that he's starting to get comfortable it's so comfortable let's get out of there I don't mind monsters having sex I'm in monsters that's why I just posit the question that not what I into Yeah well the cop said that he was actually kind of horny and then he got mad He like I antlery Antlery He's brilliant. Jackie's here on a short amount of time and I wanted to do something before she's allowed to leave. Okay. So on her show, page seven, she works with MJ Neffel, obviously for many years. There's a little thing that she likes to do on her show, a segment. She likes to do Snack Corner. I like it because you've called it Snack Attack, you've called it Snack Corner, you've called it almost everything except its name, which is literally Jackie's Snackies. It rhymes with my name, but I like that you hate it. I know. And Henry kept saying, I'm going to Snack Attack you on Tuesday. I'm going to Snack Attack you on Tuesday. And I was like, I don't know what that means. I'm trying to embrace you. I appreciate this. And so when I saw this... Which has never happened. No, no, we don't touch each other. Even like when their dad died. No hugs. Barely. We're not a touchy family. We're not a touchy family. And so I... Tiny touch. So I wanted to do... I wanted to snack attack you. Okay, all right. So Jackie's snack attack. Everybody knows this segment. This is Jackie's snack. And so no, it's Jackie's snackies. So Jackie finds obscure snacks and she springs them on her people, the guests on the show. But most of the time they're pleasant. and you like them. You like them. Yes. I try to be nice. Have you had any bad ones? Sure, of course we have. What's the worst snack you've had? Well, oh, we got the Thanksgiving Oreos and specifically they had a roasted turkey Oreo that was, it smelled so much like roasted turkey and an Oreo mixed together but the turkey was so turkey that it truly I did throw up. Yeah, Natalie also apparently threw up as well. Wow. I made sure there was no turkey in it for her. There wasn't any actual turkey in it. No, there's no real food in these things. I saw this, and I knew you had to try this. And I knew the only way it was going to happen is if we did it on camera and on mic. I'm so scared. I have no idea what it is. Do I have to eat it too? No. Okay, cool. So I saw this online. Only I have to do it? We are not sponsored by them. We have no idea. And I think that these are fine. So every year, apparently, Progresso Soups puts out a series of hard candies that they run out immediately. And I had no idea that they did this. We did Good Pud. We are still doing Good Pud. Good Pud Season 2 is coming out. We're coming at you. By the way, I find the term hard candy offensive. Thank you. I'm sorry. I have Tourette's. And so, Progresso. I said I'm sorry. I love I'm sorry I have Tourette's. So this one, it's a new thing. It's for this week. It's for this week. I can do it. Quiet, piggy. Quiet, piggy. And so this one I have here, this is a, they are Progresso Soup Drops. The tagline is soup you can suck on. Ooh. Now, the baby are right. They are limited edition. Wow. They sell it immediately. I had to buy it on eBay. I have heard about these. I've never been able to get them before. You got them on eBay. Wow, Henry. I bought them on eBay for us. They can just be free in nursing homes. They come in three flavors. Oh my god, it's like they're in dog food cans. Yep, so this one, soup drops. This one is, so they have a big one of... Italian wedding. They give you a big one of chicken noodles. I love to suck on an Italian wedding. So what they do here is they give you a can of soup. Right, so this is a can of chicken noodle soup. That is a can of soup. So you can compare. Well, you know what it is. What it is, yeah. No, no, no, that's some progresso-ass soup. Is that soup in there? These are soup drops. Now, I guess, is it chunky? Like, is there a melty center? Now, it says there are natural flavors. I hate to ask that. Natural flavors. Mmm. Oh, good. Okay. Everything's natural. Wait, but there's different kinds inside of the soup. So, it is beef pot roast. Cool. Chicken noodle. Ooh. And tomato basil. Ugh. So, which one would you like to try, Jack? Tomato basil is probably the only one that's actually kind of maybe good. I feel like if I'm going to do this, I should eat the beef one. First of all, let's hear it pop. Yeah, we know they're fresh. Oh, wow. Oh, yeah. Tennis balls. Okay, here we go. Let's see if we can figure out which one is which by color. I would. Now, the darkest has to be beef. There are all levels of brown. The darkest has to be beef. Yeah, no, they definitely look like there's little chunky chunks in them. All right, so which one do you want to do, Jackie? Do you want a red or do you want a brown? I guess I want to, I feel like if I'm going to do this, I should do a beef pot roast. But Henry, does that mean you're going to do chicken noodle? I'm going to take whatever this red is. Red is obviously tomato basil. Well, then I'll do, but one of it's like a brown. Do you want tomato basil? I'll do tomato basil because I feel like that's like a Bloody Mary. Here we go. This might be beef. Yeah, this with a shot of vodka. That's a thing. Yeah. Yeah. I want to see what you think. Should we do it all at the same time or should we take turns? Let's do it at the same time. Okay. All right. Watch out, champ. Oh, champ. You don't want these. He probably would love it. Three, two, one. Oh, God. Mine tastes like SpaghettiOs. Yeah. I kind of like mine. Honestly? Yeah, there's tomato basil. I like it. Mine's tomato basil. How'd you get tomato basil? You don't like the beef? You don't like the beef? Where's the beef, Jesse? This one's not good. This one's not good. Try one of the other ones. Try the red one. This one's not good. You want some of my coffee? Try the red one. It's good. I like the tomato basil. It tastes like SpaghettiOs. Yeah. I love SpaghettiOs. I will say. Every day I used to get home from school and I'd put on the Heidi cartoon and I'd eat like two cans of SpaghettiOs. Two cans of SpaghettiOs. I'm just joking. I'm just joking off to Heidi. I eat your SpaghettiOs. Actually, the tomato basil is actually much sweeter than I expected it to be. It's tasty. The tomato basil one is sweet. The other one does taste like roasted beef in a hardened form. A tomato basil one I would actually suggest to people. This is real. Honestly, I don't even want it. I'm just throwing it out just because I don't. Oh, barf bucket. We have a barf bucket today. Yeah, we brought one. No, the tomato basil actually really is. No, it's okay. It's more delicious than I expected. The other one, it's probably just like a bouillon cube. It's like sucking on a bouillon cube. I mean, you're talking my language. Some people eat bouillon cubes. You know, some people really need that dose of sodium and I say, God bless it. You can beef them. Why does it make my tongue burn? It is, I feel like the flavor's not going to go away anytime soon. It's still in my mouth. Yeah, yeah, it's really, I... Would you spit yours out? Yeah, just because I'm in the microphone. It is, and I will say sorry for everybody that hates the mouth sounds out there. I couldn't give a fucking shit if you have misophonies two people love it you know what it is I understand the misophonia people I get it every single time we always get emails about it but guess what man if you can't handle little tiny sounds how the fuck are you going to deal with 2026 get your shit together this is going to be a year full of tiny sounds a lot of Tourette's going on today yeah alright my fuckers well Jackie why don't you give that plug one last time so people know where they can find you Please, everybody, download the app Dorian and start playing No Champ You Can't Eat This Cough Drop. Start playing Slashfic Cuffing Season. You know you want to either bang me as a clown or get killed by me as a clown. Those are your options. But there are many ways in which I can kill you. So go check them all out at Slashfic Cuffing Season. Do you kiss or is it straight, you know, like brothel rules? No, let's just say it's not your normal kind of kissing. Wow. Oh. Let's just say, I mean, she's still a nightmare clown, so it's not going to be roses over here. But, you know. I still think we should have, like, a really fat, dumpy kid named Jason who everyone, like, beats up on. Put that in your movie. I love it. You were trying to get me to put the squonk into my cryptid fuck game as well. How funny was that? I always want the sad, fat one in there. I think it's fun. The squonker should be great because then somebody will be like, nobody wants to touch me. Nobody wants me. Nobody wants me. And he just farts out milk. But you can rail the hell out of a squawk. Oh, yeah. It's soft. And honestly, yeah. Fine, I'll sit here and wait till you're done. Pounding on it, pounding on it. Yeah, just letting it. No, I don't want to just let it happen to him, though. Can you imagine what kind of fat piece of shit you'd have to be to have? All consent, I guess. But like, can you imagine what kind of fat piece of shit you'd have to be to use Progresso soup suckers as cough drops? Oh, my God. Or to give it to someone and make them actually feel better. and be like, come on, just suck on a little bit of my soul. I mean, honestly, the chicken soup one, I could see the logic. Yeah. I could see the logic on that being what you should do, but obviously... I don't want to see it in my mouth. Shouldn't happen. I'll say, though, way less bad than I thought they were going to be. They really were not. I was nervous when you said that you were going to snack attack me. I was like, God help us. After Good Pud, it really could be absolutely anything. When is Good Pud coming back? It's my favorite show on the network. We are working on the script. for it. Okay, we're doing a whole thing for this. Alright, okay, good. It's gonna be great, though, and it's gonna be worth the wait. Can I come back as the bird again? Yeah! Maybe. That means we're gonna have to go back to the beach, and the Zabrowski's on the beach. It's never a good time. Hey, I got the same cup size as Annette Funicello, so why don't find me a little old surfer boy to play around with him? Alright. Jackie, thank you for joining us for Side Story. Thank you. We're talking about an 11-year-old boy who killed his dad because he took his Nintendo Switch away. Have fun! Hey, man! Dad deserved it! Life on your plane. Thank you, Jackie. I love you. I'm going to play your sexy video game. You're not going to, but support it. Buy it. I'll buy it. Just buy it. I'll buy it. You don't have to play it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, because it's not for you. It's not for me. See, I'm mad at Jackie Sims. I didn't bring this up on the show because the last time Jackie did Sims, she, like, created all of us. in the world, and then the fucking Sims killed Tootsie. Yes, all I know is that Natalie and I broke up, and I ended up living outside. Really? Yeah. Fucking killed Tootsie, and also, you got it wrong, Rambo died, Tootsie's fine. Tootsie's never going to die. Tootsie learned how to fly. Yeah, Tootsie hovered. I watched her the other day hover. She's my baby, I love her, she's my little girl. I'm glad that I don't have an 11-year-old boy. Dude, I am more thankful that we don't have kids every single time I read another story about children shooting their fucking parents. Yeah. So this happened. This kid's got to be stopped. It's allegedly, but we're pretty sure it happened. An 11-year-old boy had his Nintendo Switch taken away from his father. He was upset. He stole the keys to the lockbox. Looking for the Switch. He went for the Switch. And then he didn't find the Switch. He found a gun. He turned and he shot his father. Buckle, buckle. because he wanted to switch and then he went and hid in the closet. Dude, he's screaming, Daddy's dead, I killed Daddy. Dude, this kid, hardcore. He called the fucking 911 on himself. We understand that screen time can be a problem for the children. Let them watch Netflix. This is the thing, guys. Just give it to them. Honestly, at this show. 2026, man. Just give it to them. Just fucking give it to them. Just give it to them. What are we doing here? Yeah, they need it. They need it. That kid fucking over my fucking dead body? Yes. You can play a switch. I'll play it with you. Honestly, I'm kind of mad that the 11-year-old, if he really wanted to teach his father a lesson, you'd just hold the gun at him. Yeah. You know, like, and you'd be like, Would you fucking switch your decision, pops? Hey, daddy. Hey, daddy, looks like I'm your daddy now. I'm your fucking daddy now. Right? Oh, yeah. But he doesn't know about leverage. Yeah. And that's a problem with 11-year-olds that are armed. They understand they can be used for negotiating tools instead of just straight murder, dude. Because when you murder daddy, he gets it you're not going to get when they're treating you like an adult in jail, which they are. Well, he's going to the juvenile court. I thought they said they're treating him like an adult. This is the preteens lawyer told local outlets they had no comment on the case, but his goal is to get his client into juvenile court. He's literally not even a preteen. He's 11. Yeah, he's 11. He did it on his birthday. Oh, well, that's why. You can't take away the Switch. He just gave it to this game, the Switch. It's his birthday. I mean, if it's his birthday, you let him play with a gun. All I know is that certainly the Switch didn't teach him the lesson was to shoot what you don't like. I know that. Yeah. There's no way he was in like, I'm going to do like you do in Call of Duty. I'm going to fucking blow my father's brains out. Oh, my God. So my little nephew, he's like 10, 11, something like that. He's his kid's age. How does he even shoot a gun at 11? He's playing Call of Duty. my little nephew he's playing Call of Duty and I'm like you're playing Call of Duty and he's like yeah I play Call of Duty I'm having a good time I like Call of Duty it's a lot of fun I was like well what'd you do he's like earlier today I was playing against a Nazi and I ran out of bullets so I beat him to death with my helmet that's a real man that 10 year old I just told him if you saw a Nazi in real life beat him to death with your bicycle helmet that's it you learn it's crazy he said he was looking for the switch inside the safe and found the gun instead. Yeah. Yeah, should have done that. Yeah, that's why you got to do the combo lock safe. That's why it's more like... Kid can't figure that out. Kid can't be in the same place. Yeah, yeah. You really should never put the switch where the gun is. No, never. Honestly, because you never... I never want one or the other. Mm-hmm. I always very much want my gun. Also, don't have the kid. Yeah, the kid is the problem here. You raised him wrong. Give them the screen time. Talk about ultimately being immediately punished for raising your child incorrectly. Right? Isn't that sad? Yeah, obviously the kid's going to jail. He's 11. 11-year-olds, I just feel like it's just really strange to really think of the idea. It's like he just jumped into his head to shoot his father and dad. I don't think he thought about it. Kids don't understand deaf. We've learned that plenty of times on this show. No, no, kids have poor emotional. They don't get it. I didn't get it, you know? No. And so when you get a little older, you start getting closer to deaf. You're like, oh, wait a second. I'm not going to ride a bike. Oh, yeah. Live every day knowing for a fact that every moment you actually get closer to death. Yeah. And love the fact that you know that consciously because we're man and not animal. All right. And you could laugh at the face of death knowing that, oh, death tells me otherwise. What I'm going to do? Live on. Grow. Change. Before we close out, I got a request to the audience if you don't mind. Please. So this crazy ass shit, El Mencho, murdered the cartel leader. Mexico is on fire. Henry and I, we specifically stay away from cartels. We don't understand it. If somebody can give me a good download of what is going on in Mexico right now, side stories, LPOTL and gmail.com. We know that the El Mencho, the bosses of bosses of the Jalisco cartel was murdered. Now they are doing its full civil war. With the U.S. government. We gave them info. I just want to, I also love to know, because I've had several people reach out. when we talked about the Canadian that got murdered in Mexico about how... We didn't get murdered, he just got captured. He got captured, but basically they, Kash Patel again, in his wisdom, he basically revealed that the FBI helped. We're in Mexico right now. The United States government is in Mexico. We're always there. But now, I think we had a hands-off policy for a while, and now we are actively destroying the infrastructure that's currently held together by pieces of glue. So we're going to see how it goes, because it seems that the main problem with killing a big boss like this is that he had seemed to sort of like a stability. There was like a stability that it created. And there was almost like a kind of deep state government. Yeah, he climbed through his ruthlessness, but also like kind of seems like he kept everything in control. But the problem is that now, but that's bad, right? It's like the Saddam Hussein thing. It's like now we wiped out the guy. Now you're looking at all these various different separate parts all fighting each other to try to decide whether or not they're going to coalesce as one or all just be separate. Sidestories, LPOTL at gmail.com. Please. Thank you very much, guys. We got shows coming up. Yeah, we do. Side Stories is hitting the road. Yes, we talked about Crime Wave at Sea. Yes, Alaska is rescheduled. But we're also coming to Urbana, Illinois. Dude, very excited. Can't wait. Got a lot of good recommendations on food. Got a lot of good recs. I can't wait. That's going to be on March 14th. Come see Henry and I talk our fucking bullshit. We're going to have fun, you dear kids. Yes. Lexington, Kentucky on April 26th. Netflix is a joke. Allegedly. Allegedly. Allegedly. Netflix is a joke. That's going to be in Los Angeles on May 7th at the Avalon at 9.45 p.m. Come see that show. Rochester, New York on May 30th. And London, Ontario on June 28th. Also, if you want to come see me in L.A., I got stand-up on April 3rd over at the Lyric Hyperion, co-headlining with Amber Nelson. That's going to be fun. That's going to be amazing. I know Amber's got her own show. Amber's got her own fucking show every Friday over at the Clubhouse. Yeah. So you can see Amber every fucking Friday here in Los Angeles. So come see that shit. That starts in March. I'm going to do her first show on March 6th. So if you want to see that, that's a free show. April 11th, P-Funk Fest in Tallahassee. I'm going to be fucking all over that shit with Holden McNeely. And then me, him and Danny Bedrosian are going to drive to Jacksonville the next day and perform at ViStar Stadium. The Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp Stadium. I couldn't be more excited. And then July 10th, a salute to Bethlehem with Dan Becker and Ruby Deer, local heroes. I'm saluting Bethlehem for no reason whatsoever. You're allowed. And then also Newark, New Jersey at Justin Williams' new comedy club, the Newark Culture Club. That's going to be in Newark, New Jersey on July 12th. Tell that motherfucker I said hello. I will. I haven't seen him in a while. I'd love to see him. Also, just came down the pipe that they just announced that there was 50 pages deleted from the current Epstein file dump that specifically names Trump in a multiple victim account of him raping Giles. Yeah, the numbers of the files that exist for us to view change all the time. Yes. So screenshot everything. Oh, and I actually do want to give a bit of a shout out to this guy there is a person right now is this your new favorite dumper? It's a new great dumper this person has given up their lives, they've given up their job to go and do this full time EpsteinExposed.com they've given up their lives EpsteinExposed.com is probably the best of these websites I've seen because of how much information it disseminates It breaks it all down by a person, by types of documents, by typing up. So if you're like me and you're an Epstein head and you want to really fucking find a real efficient way to go through all these files, if you're a real EpsteinExposed.com. I have no skin in the game there. I have no idea. But that person is doing Satan's work. And they are, I feel like as a person, you could support. So go toss the money over there if you want to. I love that. Good. fucking keep never stop talking about it until more people are in prison i'm fucking sick of this shit everyone's too calm it's not ending all right it's not gonna end for us well of course i mean we saw how people still support the fucking catholic church yes so we don't need that on our hands oh your fun new pope just came out and said straight up he still thinks that trans people are going to hell so oh cool yes a new that's the chicago in him that's the just so you know he basically said they were like, they did this thing with the Pope where they asked him, like, so any new policies featuring gays and trans? And he's like, no change. Alright. So you like him. You like him. You guys like him, huh? Yeah, that's fine. Alright. Well. Bye! Hail Satan! Hail Willie Colon and Ebo Taylor, two great musicians we lost this year. This week, go listen to their music. You won't understand any of it if you understand me. Bye! That's my bad bunny noise. I've been working on. No, he's got a low voice. More photos. More photos. Why? I don't know how he does it. He's so masculine. He is masculine. It was this huge dog. You see that thing flapping? Yeah. It's cool.